When faced with a conflict, our natural reactions are based in biology.

  As described by the famous "Fight or

Flight" syndrome, impending danger spurs us to either attack or run away.  Unfortunately, "fight"
tendencies can lead to destructive arguments, while "flight" reactions make us avoid difficult discussions. 
And neither one will ever solve the problem! To replace conflict with problem resolution, you must override
your biology and make a plan for tackling those tough topics.  Here's how to do that:
 
Step 1:   Do the Prep

Managing a tough talk requires preparation.  If you try to "wing it", the conversation is likely to
deteriorate in a matter of minutes.  So here are the prep steps . . .

        Shift your emotions into neutral.

For this discussion, you need t

o have your feelings under control, not simmering right below the surface.  This means waiting
till your anger or hurt has subsided, then trying to view the situation more objectively.  Consider
these questions:  How would the other person describe this situation?  How would they describe
your attitude?  What would an outside observer say about it? 

        Clearly define your goal.

You must figure out what you want to accomplish with this conversation.  You will then be able
to keep the discussion pointed in that direction.  Otherwise, you may wander off into irrelevant
topics or rehash old arguments.  If you have trouble defining your goal, perhaps you just want to
get angry.  If so, delay this talk until you can figure out what you want.

Example:  Your project is being held up by a colleague who consistently fails to send you data when you
need it.  Your goal is not to criticize this coworker, but to find a way to get the data.

        Prepare a non-confrontational opening statement.

The first sentence out of your mouth will set the tone for the entire discussion.  The only time that you have
complete control of the conversation is when you introduce the topic, so you must choose your words carefully. 
Strive for neutral language which states the result you want and does not blame or judge . 

 Bad example:   “You are totally disorganized and never get your work done on time.”

Better example:  “I would like for us to find a way to meet the deadlines on this project.”

        Physically relax.

Reducing physical tension automatically reduces emotional tension.  So before your tough talk, take steps
to physically relax.  Take deep breaths, tense and release your muscles, go for a walk, visualize your
favorite vacation spot - or whatever strategy works for you.  You need to start this conversation feeling
relaxed, centered, and focused.

 
 
Step 2:   Focus on the Other Person

When we're irritated or upset, we want to immediately tell someone what they've done wrong and how they
should change.  That's just human nature.  But, unfortunately, this is the sure path to a non-productive
argument.  Instead, you should begin your tough talk by focusing on the other person.

        Tell them what you appreciate.

Find something that you truly appreciate about the person and incorporate that into your discussion.  This
may be difficult, but most people have some redeeming qualities.

Example:  “I really do appreciate the time that you have put into this project.”

        Describe their point of view.

Before launching into a lecture, describe how you believe the situation looks to the other party, even if you
don't agree with it.  This will let them know that you are not totally self-centered and have at least
considered their concerns. 

Example:  “Since you're working on several important projects right now, I'm sure that
you have a lot of competing priorities.”

        Ask questions and listen.

To more fully understand their point of view, and to show that you want this to be a two-way discussion,
you need to engage them by asking a relevant, open-ended question. Then listen - really listen.  Don't just
wait for them to finish so you can talk. 

Example:  “What are the most critical projects that you're working on right now?”
 
 
Step 3:   Say What You Need

You have to be willing to say what you need in order for anything to change.  Few people are good mind
readers.  Saying what you need works better than telling others what’s wrong with them.

        Make factual observations.

Try to differentiate fact from opinion and describe situations as objectively (and neutrally) as possible.

Example:  “You have a lot of high-priority projects, and I have a project that I can't
complete without your help.”

        Use I-statements.

An “I-statement” is simply a non-confrontational way to express how you feel or what you want instead of
criticizing the other person.  Start the sentence with "I" instead of "you", then say what you want or need.

 Bad example:  “You need to start sending me the data on time.”

Better example:  “I need to figure out how to get the data I need at the appropriate time.”
        Explain the "costs" of the problem.

Describe how this problem adversely affects you, the other person, the department, management,
customers, etc.

Example:  “Although this seems like a small project, it effects the development of our
next generation of products.  Until this project is completed, the product development
team can't establish a release date and the sales department can't take advance
orders.”

        Explain your feelings.

Telling someone how you feel is much more effective than acting out those feelings by yelling or sounding
irritated.

Example:  “I do get really frustrated when I can't meet my deadlines because I'm waiting
for this data.”

 
 
Step 4:   Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Remember that you always want to keep moving this conversation towards your goal.  This means exploring the
situation and looking for possible solutions.

        If you encounter resistance, explore, don't argue.

When someone pushes back, that's an invitation to argue - but this is one invitation that you don't want to accept. 
Instead, try to learn more about where the resistance is coming from.  This will help you figure out how to approach
them.

Example:    The other party says "Your project simply isn't a high priority at the
moment."  Instead of hotly defending the importance of your work, ask a question that will
help you understand the situation.  For example:  “Can you tell me what your schedule looks
like for the next two months?”

        Identify the real issues.

Don’t waste time arguing about symptoms instead of causes or about minor issues instead of major
ones.  Try to find the real source of the problem.

Example:  “I think the real issue is that we simply have conflicting priorities.  We're both
trying to get our jobs done and meet our objectives.”

        Look for areas of agreement and common goals.

In most organizational or personal relationships, the people involved have some common interests.  Agreeing on
shared goals can be an important step towards a collaborative solution.
 Example:   "I can certainly see the importance of your critical projects, and I'm sure you
can understand my concerns.  We both want to meet management's expectations, and those
expectations unfortunately seem to conflict.”

        Acknowledge your part in the problem.

Few issues are completely one-sided.  Try to see how your own actions, behavior, or inaction may have
contributed.  Consider the points made by the other person to see if they have validity.

Example:  “I may not have clearly explained to management what will happen if my
project is late.  They may not understand the connection to product development.  That
probably has made it a lower priority for them.”
 
 
Step 5:   Reach Clear Agreements

Remember that you always want to keep moving this conversation towards your goal.  This means exploring the
situation and looking for possible solutions.

        Look for creative compromises.

Frequently, "win-win" solutions can be found when people take time to explore the problem. 

Example:  “I don't think we can solve this without involving the people who set our
priorities.  So how about this - if we talk with both of our managers about these
conflicting priorities, perhaps the two of them can either make a decision or help us get
some clarification from upper management.”

        Agree on specific action steps.

To insure that something actually gets accomplished, you need to reach agreement on who will do what.

Example:  “If it's okay with you, I'll go ahead and set up a meeting with the two
managers.  I'll draft an email explaining the situation, then let you review it before I send
it to them.”

If all goes well with your tough talk, it may not even seem very tough after all!

Marie G. McIntyre, Ph.D.

All material on yourofficecoach.com is copyrighted to Marie G. McIntyre.  All rights

reserved.
  May be reproduced for non-commercial use with copyright and attribution to
www.yourofficecoach.com.
Commercial use requires permission: email mmcintyre@yourofficecoach.com . 

Everyone needs to give feedback to others from time to time.  If the feedback is positive, it's a pleasure. 
But sometimes constructive feedback is required to suggest a change in someone's actions or behavior. 
While these discussions can easily turn into arguments or conflicts, they should really be viewed as
problem-solving conversations.  The following suggestions can make feedback more comfortable and
productive. 
 
A.  MANAGE YOUR ATTITUDE
 Stay calm:  Unless a delay will result in disaster, never give anyone feedback when you’re angry
or upset.
 Be clear about your goals:  Know what you want to accomplish by having this discussion. 
Sacrifice smaller points in the interest of larger objectives.
 Express appreciation:  Sincerely telling someone what you appreciate can make constructive
feedback easier to accept.
 Don't criticize or argue:  You want problem-solving, not conflict.  If you start to criticize or argue,
STOP!
B.  EMPATHIZE
 Imagine their point of view:  Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes.  Anticipate their
reaction to your comments.
 Ask questions to understand their situation:  If you aren't sure of their point of view, then ask
questions and listen.  When someone gives you feedback, be sure that you understand their
viewpoint before you automatically launch into your counter-arguments.
C.  NEUTRALIZE
 Talk about facts and observations, not assumptions:  To reduce defensiveness, use neutral
language.  Focus on facts and observations.  Avoid accusations and blaming.
 Talk about the problem, not the person:  If you are upset with someone, don't talk about their
negative personality traits.  Focus on the issue.
 Share observations with "I-statements".  Minimize the word "you":  An "I-statement"
expresses what you have observed or felt, NOT what the other person is doing wrong. "You"
sounds accusatory, not neutral.  Instead of "You always" or "You ought to", try saying “I've
observed”  or “I've noticed . .”.
D.  EDUCATE
  Discuss the effects of the problem:  Explain why you are concerned about the situation – that
is, the effect on you, your co-workers, your work, the company, etc.  People often do not realize
the impact of their behavior on others, even when it seems obvious.
 Use reversals or analogies to shift their point of view:  Encourage the other person to see
things differently by reversing the situation – that is, putting them in your shoes – or using an
analogy to give them a different frame of reference.
 Describe your feelings with "I-statements": To convey how they are affecting you, try saying “I
feel“  or  “My problem is”, NOT “You never“  or “You should”.
E.  COOPERATE
 Look for common goals:  Identify shared interests, needs, or concerns as you try to solve the
problem.  Try to find areas of agreement.
 Engage in give and take.  Expand the options:  Be willing to make concessions and
compromises.  You may also be part of the problem!  Propose strategies and solutions that
neither party may have previously considered.
 End with action steps:  Agree on what will be different in the future – both what they will do and
what you will do.  Unless you end with action steps, nothing is likely to change.
The Best Way to Complain about Coworkers

All material on yourofficecoach.com is copyrighted to Marie G. McIntyre.  All rights reserved.

 May be reproduced for non-commercial use with copyright and attribution to www.yourofficecoach.com.
Commercial use requires permission: email mmcintyre@yourofficecoach.com .

Coworkers can be very annoying!   At Your Office Coach, we hear from lots of people who want their
colleagues to stop doing something – talking, whistling, coming in late, eating at their desk, wearing tacky
clothes, and on and on.  These complainers are usually looking for an easy, painless way to deal with the
situation.  That may be impossible, but here are some helpful suggestions.
 
 Question 1: Should you talk to the coworker or the boss first?
In most situations, talking directly to the person is preferable, since that gives them a chance to correct
the problem without getting in trouble.  But if your colleague is explosive or highly defensive, your
manager may be a better route. 
 
 Question 2: What should you say?
To make your complaint, try using a technique called “I-statements”.  With an I-statement, you focus on
the problem you’re having instead of what’s wrong with your coworker, then you ask for what you need.  A
well-worded I-statement, delivered in a friendly tone, doesn’t sound at all confrontational.
 
1st example: “Bob, I’ve been having trouble meeting my project deadlines because I don’t receive the
information from your group on schedule.  What can we do to be sure I get the information on time?”
 
2nd example: “I wish I had more time to chat, Mary, but I have a ton of work to do right now.  So I’m afraid
I need to limit our personal conversations to breaks and lunch for awhile.”
 
 Question 3: What if the person is a problem for everyone?
Group problems require group solutions.  So if the whole work unit is upset, then the message should be
delivered by more than one person.  Otherwise, the problem coworker may not recognize the extent of
the problem.   In some situations, it’s best for the whole group to confront the person.  In others, it’s better
for a couple of people to represent the group. 
 
Example: “Barry, we’re all having a problem with your coming in late almost every day.  When you’re not
here, we have to answer your phone.  And if we need information from you, you’re not around.  We didn’t
want to get you in trouble, so we’re talking to you instead of to the manager.  We hope that we can solve
this problem without involving her.”
 
 Question 4: What if talking to the coworker seems hazardous or pointless?
Then it’s time to go to the boss.  But you need to do it in the right way, because you don’t want to come
across as a whiner.
 
 Question 5: So how do I complain to my manager?
You must define the issue as a business problem, not a personal complaint.  Otherwise, your manager
may view it as a personality conflict.  And bosses really hate dealing with personal employee squabbles!   
 
Suppose, for example, that your coworker is spending a lot of time on personal phone calls.  You do not
want to go to your boss and say “Linda spends the whole day talking to her family and friends on the
phone.  You need to do something about this.”  That sounds too much like whining.
 
Better Approach: “A lot of Linda’s calls have been rolling over to me lately because her line is tied up.  As
a result, some of my own customers wind up going into voice mail.  I believe that a lot of her phone calls
are personal, so if you could talk to her about this, I would appreciate it.”
 
 Question 6: What if it isn’t a business problem, but it bothers me?
If the annoying behavior doesn’t affect work results in any way, then you need to work on your attitude
and just let it go.  We all must work with people who irritate us from time to time.