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2 Approach With Confidence By Mark J and Kezia Noble Thank you so much for purchasing
2 Approach With Confidence By Mark J and Kezia Noble Thank you so much for purchasing


2 Approach With Confidence By Mark J and Kezia Noble Thank you so much for purchasing

By Mark J and Kezia Noble

Thank you so much for purchasing this eBook. Due to overwhelming demand from students, who have been wanting my thoughts on this subject for a long time (combined with Kezia Noble’s candy-coated threats), I finally took the plunge and cancelled all private bookings for an entire 12 week period, so I could focus entirely on getting every piece of useful information into this e- book. Hopefully it will not only be an enjoyable read and a transparently honest, open account of my journey; but also a guide which is both easy to understand and apply, which will in turn serve to accelerate your current success rate with women to a whole new level.

Why now?

Partly because my boss is someone called Kezia Noble, and if anyone knows

Kezia well, they will know that she always gets what she wants. Kezia has been putting pressure on me for the last 7 years to release this e-book, and I

have always changed the subject whenever it came up.

because I was so busy with private clients and 7-day mastery students, but also because I wanted to make sure that all my advice was refined and fully

optimized, in order to get the maximum results when applied by others, regardless of how severe their approach anxiety was. So after 12 after

This is mainly


weeks of living like a hermit in my London apartment (only my girlfriend Kylie had access to me at that time - for obvious reasons), my book is finally ready!

This has been my area of expertise for 8 years now, and it’s a privilege to be able to share my insights, techniques, system, advice and material with as many of you as possible. This is the most comprehensive product ever released on this subject, and I know you’re going to get a lot of value from it for years to come.

I’ve been in your shoes

I know exactly how difficult, how crippling this type of anxiety can be. I

know the feeling of looking over at that girl, and just doing


I know the feeling of walking past that girl on the way to work and just not

finding the words. It can make you feel like there is no way forward. I’ve felt it and it sucks.

But I promise you now, stick with me, follow exactly what I tell you in this e- book, and you WILL destroy your approach anxiety for good. You WILL move forward in your journey towards becoming a more happy, confident and successful man. You will FINALLY have the tools to start creating the social interactions you’ve always wanted.

You officially have me in your corner now, so let’s go!

Welcome to “Approach With Confidence”.

Mark-J Head ‘Inner game’ and ‘Approaching Confidence’ coach on the Kezia Noble team.



Page No.

1. My Story


2. Not giving in to fear


3. What is approach anxiety & can you get rid of it?


4. Chemical Reactions


5. Fight or Flight


6. Positive vs Negative Adrenaline


7. Redefining AA


8. Give & Take


9. Excuses & Lies


10. How to Avoid Being “Creepy”


11. Advice For Older Guys


12. Approaching at night


13. Running out of things to say


14. Small Shifts


15. Blow Out Game


16. Bonus Tips/Techniques


17. Approach Anxiety & Social Anxiety


18. Summary / What We’ve Covered


19. Final Words & Next Steps




I remember the exact moment I realised that something had to change.

It was a cold February morning in 2007. Being winter in London, I was appropriately wrapped up in a variety of warm layers, sitting quite happily on a bench at a busy train station on my way to work. Sitting next to me, was possibly the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, a unicorn, a mythical 11. She was smiling into a cell phone, one of those old- school chunky ones (we didn’t have iPhones back then!). Now although she might not have been every guys unicorn, or every guys perfect 10, she was certainly (at the very least) every guys 8. But she was my 11 because not only was she recognisably beautiful, she was TOTALLY my type. I like petite girls (as I’m on the shorter side of things myself), who wear casual clothes rather than being too dolled up, because I think a woman who understands her potential with quiet confidence, is far more attractive than a woman who has all the goods on display. I remember she was wearing dark fuchsia pink shoes, which gave away a little bit of a clue that she wasn’t a conformist. She had perfectly styled blonde hair poking out of a grey woollen hat and a cute little expression on her face that made her look a little like one of the Disney characters that narrate the story, and it was one of those moments in my life I knew instantly that I’d regret not talking to her. I was not unprepared. I had done my homework. I’d read every piece of material from pickup artists (PUA), dating experts and confidence coaches that was available at the time, so I mistakenly thought I was fairly well armed.

And so the mental process began. I went through all this amazing material I could use, and successfully thought of something to say. It was funny, witty and had the right measure of impact. But then I instantly had another thought

“Wait a second, what about this instead?”

It was even funnier, smarter and more impactful than the first one. So I changed it to that. Good, job done. Phew! Then suddenly, a tsunami of other thoughts

Yeh, but what could that lead to?” “Will it make her laugh or leave her confused?” “Does it sound a little too confident?” “What do I say after that?” “Will she even like me in the first place?” “Am I too short for her?” “Where would I even take her on a date?”

As the train approached, she put the phone into her bag, rummaged around for something (girls always do that before getting on a train for some reason) and began to get up. I sat


there, thoughts whizzing through my mind. Each thought both better AND worse than the last. Then she started walking away

Thoughts still whizzing through my mind!

Then she got on the train,

Thoughts still whizzing through my mind!!

Then the train left,

Thoughts still whizzing through my mind!!!

Then the thoughts stopped.

Everything stopped.

She was gone.

I sat there for a further 20 minutes (2 more trains went past!), in possibly the worst state

I had been in for a long time. All that “thought”, all those “mental gymnastics”, and for WHAT?! She was gone! Out of my life forever. And what did I do about it? NOTHING!!!! Not even a single fucking word came out my mouth. All my so-called “cleverness” and in this crucial moment, it meant absolutely NOTHING.

Was this the first time this type of thing had happened? Presumably I had just experienced an uncharacteristic moment of fear in an otherwise seamless pattern of perfect approaches, right? Nope. I fucking wish that was the truth.

This is what I always did. Or more accurately, what I DIDN’T do.

Let’s rewind a bit

I never had trouble talking to people in general. In that sense I would be considered a

natural. I was confident and successful at work. I was always social, could make people laugh, cultivate friendships, connect with people and get them to soften to me without much effort. I wasn’t intimidated around women, even insanely beautiful ones. I felt comfortable in their presence and could talk to them easily. Added to this, I’ve worked in both advertising and sales, both of which are arenas where you have to think fast, be creative and be in control. So naturally, I thought those skills would translate easily into my social life.

Sounds like a natural to me, right? WRONG!!


This is simply not the case. Since 2009 I have taught soldiers, fire fighters, police officers, all manner of people with dangerous jobs. I’ve taught actors and stand up comedians who are incredibly confident in their natural habitat. But take many of these people away from that particular battlefield, or that stage, and they go to pieces. They can often be very shy, introverted, and want to avoid human contact at all costs because being themselves in public is too fucking hard. Remember, the front line, the sold out stadium or battlefield might not sound like a comfort zone for you, but it’s their comfort zone. They might shine in that comfort zone, but go to pieces when in someone else's.

So what was ACTUALLY happening to me?

None of these girls I was talking to were interested in me. None of them wanted me as a boyfriend. I wasn’t having any sex, any dates, anything. Up to that point, I had never really approached anyone properly. I had talked to women, sure, but I guarantee none of them knew what I wanted, or what I really thought, and so I never got anywhere.

I’d been with girls, sure, but it was more just an accidental thing. We’d been introduced by a friend, or it’d just “happened”. The planets had just aligned for me at times. But I’d never been in control of any of this, never had any choice in the matter. And that’s really all I wanted. CHOICE.

None of the girls I hooked up with were what I actually wanted. Either they were pretty, but had none of the qualities I like in a person, or they were funny and intelligent, but were not physically hot enough, or ‘my type’ enough. Most commonly, they were just

“ok”. They were kinda pretty, kinda funny, kinda

excited, or made me desperate to see them again. Let’s be honest here guys. We get goose bumps too when ‘that’ girl texts us, and if there’s no goose bumps, then there’s no real interest.


They never made me


So first I had to work out what I was doing wrong. I studied everyone I knew who was successful at this, and fairly quickly it became abundantly clear that they were ALL doing something I wasn’t.

Firstly, they were making it clear to the girl who they wanted that they weren’t afraid to show their strong intent upfront (we call this going in “DIRECT”). Secondly, their conversational skills were just SO good that every girl they spoke to seemed to be utterly mesmerized by them in a matter of minutes.

(Becoming her main priority in under 2 minutes is a skill never to be underestimated - ever!)


I had to find a way to emulate this. My conversational skills were already at a fairly good

level, so clearly my personal sticking point was that lack of clarity. So I decided, literally overnight, that this is what I was going to do, and so made these two promises to myself:

1) I’m going to have an interaction with every girl I find attractive, and make sure there is a positive outcome.

2) Every girl I find attractive is going to know that exact fact by the end of our interaction.

And so I went out to practice. And I got it wrong, A LOT. Over the next 6 months I had every type of reaction you can imagine. Everything I feared would happen, happened. I made it happen. I knew that to get past the fear of being direct, I just needed to experience it. I needed the “unknown” to become the “known”. This is where I developed “Blow Out Game” (discussed in more detail in Chapter 15). I had girls look at me bored, look at me with contempt, feeling awkward, offended, angry, every unwanted reaction you could possibly imagine.

I remember one particularly bad night when I was on holiday in Los Angeles. I had a drink

knocked out of my hand and the group of girls I was trying to talk to just laughed at me,

with those horribly hysterical laughter tones that penetrate right through your core (only a group of women can achieve this wicked but highly effective technique). Another time,

I remember one girl just said to me “Can you go away!” in front of everyone, and so off I went, tail between my legs. For some reason those two particular moments left a bit more of a wound than the countless other ones.

But as the months went by, I started to calibrate myself. I was used to the worst reactions by now, and so stopped caring about them. Strangely, the less I cared about the outcome, the less of those reactions I started to get. Slowly, my delivery started to improve and steadily my results started to change. I was now actually starting to apply the confidence I had in other areas of life to this one, and it had finally begun to pay off.

We all have insecurities about ourselves. Mine are height, and now age. I’m a shorter guy and have the kind of body that refuses to gain muscle no matter how many weights I lift, so every other man in every bar seemed to be taller and stronger looking than me. As my 20’s died away and I got into my 30’s, every guy seemed to be younger, more fashionable, more hilarious and more confident. But the more success I gained, the less I cared about these things. In fact, I started to learn how to use them as an advantage. When you realise and accept that there are things you can’t change (such as height, balding and age), you start focusing on what you can change, which was my first major step on to becoming more successful with women.


I worked out what worked and what didn’t. I painstakingly took notes over the years and pushed further and harder to develop my skills and knowledge, and in the process, I developed much of what is in this ebook. You know, if you’d told me that almost a decade later, I’d be known as a specialist in helping men to eliminate approach anxiety, and that I would be actually teaching and sharing my insights and knowledge to guys all over the world, I’d have called you CRAZY!

Who knew???!!!! I WAS BEYOND SHIT AT THIS!!!!

At this point (a few months after making those two life-changing promises to myself), girls were beginning to take this incredibly bold thing I was saying to them and react calmly, comfortably and happily to it. I was getting into conversations with complete strangers, starting to take numbers and occasionally arrange dates. By mid-2008 I had become totally fearless at approaching.

In 2009 I approached Kezia Noble for some training. I had done my research, and knew that she was exactly what I needed. There was (and still is!) no-one better in London to give honest, brutal feedback and take me to the next level. We arranged to meet soon after, and to my complete surprise, after just a few hours together, she had offered me a job! She was just blown away, not only by my story and skills, but by my ability to break everything down and explain exactly how to apply it. She was putting her own team together, and so was looking for the best (just like the Avengers!).

To have Kezia’s official “seal of approval” meant so much to me, and I instantly said “yes”. I started teaching students soon after, and have been working closely with Kezia ever since. So far I have coached over 10,000 men, teaching on every Bootcamp and every 7-Day Mastery Course we’ve ever done. Over time, coaches tend to develop specialities, and mine became conversation, inner game, daytime environment attraction skills, and of course approach anxiety. Since then, I have become known as London’s foremost expert in dealing with Approach Anxiety (or AA, as it will be referred to in this e-book).

Now I had to do this the hard way, but I’m giving you this information so you don’t have to! This is not going to be a guide filled with vague and ‘well meaning’ tips that I could have pulled out of the air or stolen from the internet. I’ve been out there in the field for 8 years, doing literally thousands of sets, to gather all this information together and streamline a system that you can go out and use RIGHT NOW!


Also, there are no abstract concepts here, that sound good when written on paper, but are too abstract to put into real life practice. I will not be attempting to blind you with fake science. Everything here, whether scientific or emotional is demonstrably true, and if applied WILL gain you tangible results with women.


Any guy who has struggled with their confidence when approaching women, has probably at some point felt very alone and inadequate. So the first thing is to stop feeling like you’re alone. You’re not. I’m with you now. I’m going to help you through this. If I can do it, you can do it, and you will do it.

So let’s get started.



“Never give in – never, never, never, never


nothing great or small, large or petty.

Never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy” – Winston Churchill

Over my time as a confidence and dating coach, having now taught a very large number of people, I have found that 99% of clients exhibit one or more of these three issues (or “Sticking Points”, as we sometimes call them):

1. Approach Anxiety

2. Conversation (“running out of things to say”)

3. Escalation (being flirty/sexual rather than just friendly)

So why spend so much time on just AA then? Because it’s the first barrier to entry, and if you’re falling at the first hurdle, you don’t have the opportunity to experience all the infinitely more fun aspects of the social interaction.

Have you ever had any of the following thoughts before approaching?

What if she rejects me?

What if she looks at me like a sleazebag?

What if I look like an idiot?

What if I’m humiliated?

What if she embarrasses me?

What if I forget what to say?

What if she has a friend with her?

What if I stumble over my words?

What if she has a boyfriend?

What if she’s too busy?

What if she’s too good for me?

What if she only likes tall guys?

What if she only likes muscular guys?

What if she only likes rich guys?

What if someone just approached her before me?

What if her phone rings and I’m left standing there awkwardly?

Yeah, me too.


I’ve you’ve ticked “Yes” to EVEN ONE of these, then you’re in the right place. I’ve thought (and experienced) every single one of these things, so I know EXACTLY where you’re coming from.


This e-book contains a number of exercises that I thought would be useful to boost your development. Most chapters contain at least one exercise. Actually doing practical things as we go along is hugely beneficial to this journey. The more attention you can give the exercises, the quicker your progress will be.

[EXERCISE 1] - Time needed - 10:00 mins Write a list of all the things you think when about to approach a beautiful woman. Don’t just think about it, write it down. Then come back to this eBook. This may be difficult to start with, so use the list I just gave you as a starting point. Try and be as detailed as you can. This list is useful to have, so you can look back at it periodically in your development and see which ones have changed and which ones have not, which ones are real and which ones are false. This is your starting point, so go deep into yourself and figure out how you really feel about this subject.

Fleeting as a single approach may be, it takes up a LOT of brain space. So if you’re reading this, and have been feeling these things, trust me, YOU’RE NOT ALONE. Every client comes to me thinking their AA is the most severe I’ve ever seen. It never is. Soon, they realise it’s just something we all have, and it can be defeated if you’re guided in the right way. Note, I said the RIGHT way. I’m a big advocate of the adage, “PRACTICE MAKES PERMANENT” (as against “practice makes perfect”). There is a lot of conflicting advice out there, so I’m here to make sure you are guided in the correct way.

Only PERFECT practice makes PERFECT.

This is helped by the fact that other than sales and advertising, I’ve spent large periods of my life working in the entertainment and law enforcement industries, which has made my experience unique, and which both require a number of similar qualities:

Quick thinking and rapid decision making.

Endless imagination.

Having faith in your ideas and words.

Being “in the moment” and committing to it.

Being in control of high stress situations.

Adapting to any situation and taking positive action.

Total core confidence.

However, the main overriding quality between everything I do is one simple thing:




Now, some might say you just need a bit of success to ‘become confident’. As Susan Jeffers puts it:

‘Every time you encounter something that forces you to “handle it,” your self-esteem is raised considerably. You learn to trust that you will survive, no matter what happens. And in this way your fears are diminished immeasurably.’ 1

There is an element of truth to this, of course. Success breeds success. Positive reference points reinforce good practice and produce more results. We know this to be true.

But how do we get to that point in the first place? How do we enable ourselves to be in a place where we can take that action?

Anyone who has trained with me will know that my sessions are slightly different than the norm. When it comes to AA, I don’t necessarily force my students to head straight into relentless action quickly. That is just essentially a desensitisation therapy based technique. Don’t get me wrong, desensitisation has a place in this process, but it is only part of it. The change attained by desensitisation alone is temporary. It will stop when you stop desensitising. When the coach is not ]by your side, when the planets are not aligned, I have found that it often loses its effect quickly. It’s like pulling the tops off the weeds. The garden looks nice, but the weeds are still there, waiting to return at any point, often when you least expect it.

So what makes the difference?


I fully believe that when you understand WHAT’S HAPPENING TO YOU, and WHY, and then add that to the desensitisation process, it will stick permanently. An epiphany is everything.

This is why in 8 years I have never failed to get clients to do their first ever direct approach. Not only that, but I have never really had to “push” a client. Of course I will do if need be, but if they truly understand why they feel a certain way, and why it’s no longer necessary, as soon as THEY make that choice, rather than me just forcing it upon them, the action is no longer so difficult, and as a result, they actually WANT to do it, rather than feeling that they forcing themselves to do it. Because when you understand

1 Susan Jeffers, Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway (Vermillion, 2007)


it, the fear no longer makes any sense. A cliché it may be, but it’s true: Knowledge is power.

In conclusion, approach anxiety makes us worry more than almost anything in social dynamics, and the key is to UNDERSTAND what is happening. Only then can we fully move forward.



“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

In this chapter, we’re going to actually delve into what approach anxiety actually is, and assess whether or not we can do away with it. By the end you should have a clear idea of what you can and can’t do in this battle.

The term “approach anxiety” is unique to the dating and social dynamics community, and as such, does not come with an official definition from an authorized source. Therefore, before we go any further, let’s define approach anxiety as we mean it when it’s referred to in this book:

Approach Anxiety - feelings of nervousness, awkwardness and distress a person experiences before and during the act of approaching and interacting with someone they haven’t previously met, usually who they are attracted to. 2

As I said, 99% of clients who I work with struggle with this one sticking point, and so the first question they will ask is always:

Can I get rid of my approach anxiety?”

Finally, the $64,000 question!!!!

You’re not going to like my answer (yet)




“What???!!!! That’s a terrible answer! How can it be both??!”

Let me explain. The answer is seemingly confusing because it has two very separate components:

NO - you CANNOT get rid of the physical sensation you are experiencing. You know that knot in your stomach? The way your chest pounds, your heart thumping harder and faster than Rocky Balboa? The feeling that your head is swimming and your body is hotter than a

2 NOTE: Approach Anxiety is similar to, but NOT the same as Social Anxiety Disorder, which I discuss in Chapter 12.


McDonalds apple pie? That is not going to go away, sorry. (Hint – it’s not supposed to, but we’ll come back to that). It will most certainly lessen in line with your practice, but they are entirely natural physical reactions when faced with having to make a decision to take action.

YES - you CAN change the emotional feeling that you connect to that physical sensation, and therefore transform it into a positive driving force for action that will allow you to get the results that you are looking for.

In conclusion, in this chapter we learned exactly what is meant by the term Approach Anxiety”, and that it may not be possible to get rid of all the physical sensations you have when it hits, but instead you need to change how you feel about it and how you process it in order to take the action you want.



“Chemistry is, well technically, chemistry is the study of matter. -

But I prefer to see it as the study of change”

Walter White, Breaking Bad.

I’ve never given this information to anyone outside our 7-Day Mastery Course, but Kezia has finally given me the green light to do this! In this chapter we’re going to look at a more tangible aspect of approach anxiety (AA). By the end of the chapter, you will understand the physical reality of AA, and how to use that information to start to get past it.

AA is possibly the most discussed “sticking point” (a problem or issue we might face) in the social dynamics world. It is metaphorised and analogised in so many different interesting (and some massively boring) contexts. I’ve seen speeches, read articles, etc on the historical, experiential, evolutionary and social viewpoints of AA, I’m sure you have as well. Fascinating for discussion in the pub, sure, but in my opinion not much that can be used IN REAL TIME. Over the last 8 years, I have found that far beyond anything else, the most effective approach to AA, the one to which my clients have all responded best, is the BIOLOGICAL.

My personal, more accurate definition of AA is as follows:

A socio-chemical reaction that causes nervousness when approaching, or about to approach, a person with the intention of being social.

This raises some instant questions:

What does this have to do with being BIOLOGICAL? Why did I earlier mention that it was NATURAL??


Adrenaline, otherwise known as epinephrine, is medically defined as follows:

A hormone produced by the adrenal medulla; called also adrenaline (British). Its function is to aid in the regulation of the sympathetic branch of the AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM. At times when a person is highly stimulated, as by fear, anger, or some challenging situation, extra amounts of epinephrine are released into the bloodstream, preparing the body for energetic action. 3

AA is the situational result of a flood of adrenaline, a neurotransmitter which is released when stressful stimuli are processed in the central nervous system. We are


physiologically affected by emotional response and memory, and this is how the body reacts. That is why it is NATURAL, and why the biological context is the most important in my opinion. Therefore, my term “socio-chemical” refers to a chemical reaction that occurs specifically in certain social situations.


Bloody hell, this is starting to sound like a Harvard science paper!! Stick with me here, I promise it’ll all make sense. We all know what this really feels like. You’re at a party, social gathering, event, or just meeting a new person and your body heats up like a kettle. You get sweaty and nervous and blood starts pumping. It’s your chemicals, your adrenaline going loop-de-loop inside you and making your life really difficult!! We know that nothing has changed in the world, we know there probably isn’t any danger nearby, so it MUST be what’s going on inside.

Therefore, if the reaction is natural, it must then also make sense that trying and GET RID OF IT is a moot objective. It is simply not possible. You cannot suppress adrenaline, except by taking other stimulants, which of course I DO NOT advocate!!

You know those times you have to drink 5 beers before you can even go over and say “Hi” to the stunning brunette at the bar?

You remember when you just needed a few quick cigarettes before approaching that beautiful girl outside Starbucks?

How did that FEEL? At the time you were probably too jazzed up to even notice what you were actually feeling, but what about after it all dissipated? A bit depressed, low, right?

We use these substances to dull the receptors and therefore allow us to take action. And although it seems to “work”, i.e we do take action, we can also destroy all the mental faculties we had in order to complete those actions effectively. In essence, “Dutch Courage” can make you take the first steps, but you’ll also talk absolute garbage to her, and so was it worth it? Not in my opinion.

If adrenaline is present, it’s gonna come out, one way or another. In most people, it manifests physically in a number of ways:

Tapping of hands/feet

Uneasy/swaying body language

Feeling of “heat” in the body/eyes/head

Shallower breathing, finding it harder to breathe deeply

Reduced control of your motor skills/movements

Reduced finesse with speech


Movement takes care of the physical symptoms to some degree. So if you have these symptoms, before trying anything else, do the following:

Spend a few minutes concentrating on slow, deep breathing. A good ratio is 1-4-2, so inhale for 1 second, hold for 4, exhale for 2. Then try 2-8-4, and so on. Do 10 breaths at any ratio you are comfortable with

Rotate your shoulders/neck, and shake out your arms /legs

Walk/jog for a few minutes

Do you ever get good ideas while you’re out for a walk? Ever have an amazing epiphany while dancing around in the shower? (ahem, not that I do that)

I always find my head “clears” when I’m moving about, so first thing is to get moving to start the process. Exercise can certainly lessen the physical symptoms of adrenaline and begin to clarify our thoughts.

BUT exercise is only going to help us to a limit. As I said earlier, the physical feelings will lessen, but they won’t go away entirely. So if you can’t get totally rid of the feelings, you need to redefine your objective, and by doing so, your understanding of AA will increase.

So let’s DECIDE together that our adrenaline is here to stay. It’s not going anywhere. What can that mean instead? What could be better options to get us past it?


There are two things you can do right now that will start using your adrenaline in the right way:

Gesticulation (hand gestures) - It’s a great idea to gesture when you talk. When people are talking authentically, they tend to signal with their hands. In a recent criminal study, people were split into 2 groups, and told to describe their journey into work. Half were told to lie, half to tell the truth. It was observed that people who told the truth “indicated” the route with their hands, because they could actually see it in their minds. The ones who were lying did not indicate anything, but simply made up the details verbally.

[ EXERCISE 2 ] – Time needed – 15:00 mins

Exercise (2a) – verbally (out loud) describe a journey you know well, maybe your route into work, and map it out with your hands as if you were giving directions to a tourist. Make your “gesticulation” very clear and defined.


Obviously, you don’t want to do this too much, otherwise you’ll look like a jester flailing about. [Note: if you are someone who does this TOO MUCH, try locking one hand in a pocket and gesticulating with the other]. However, controlled use of your hands is a good way to get the adrenaline out in small bursts. The next step is to use this in your normal conversation.

Exercise (2b) – verbally (out loud) tell a simple story/anecdote, this time perhaps one with an emotional or funny context, but now try to bring out certain words physically. For example, if the line was:

“I’d never been surfing before, I couldn’t believe huge those waves really


In this example you could bring out the word “huge” with a physical gesture like moving your hands apart to match the image of a big wave hitting your board. Or

“I saw that film for the first time and I loved it!”

For this one, use the word “love” and bring it out. When I think of that word, my arms come into my body and my fists bunch up with the energy you’d have if you were hugging someone.

Which leads to the second thing you can work on:

Emotional Verbal Expression - allow yourself to have a REAL EMOTIONAL REACTION when talking to people. Most clients initially speak in monotone when approaching because it feels safe and controlled, and they feel a strain in the voice otherwise, but actually if you do this, you are trying to suppress something that can’t be suppressed. Better to have real reactions, and allow your adrenaline to come out how YOU WANT IT TO. This will also have the huge advantage of creating emotions in the other person which will make the interaction go much smoother and make them warm to you quicker.

[ EXERCISE 3 ] – Time needed – 15:00 mins

Exercise (3a) – Tell an exciting story to yourself in the mirror, i.e. your first sexual experience. However, tell it in a monotone voice, flat in intonation, no expression. Just words, with nothing behind them.

Exercise (3b) – Tell a boring story, ie. the day you painted your bedroom. This time tell it with as much verbal expression as you can. Bring out the light and shade. Experiment with pace, volume and tone.


In conclusion, it’s important to know the physical relationship AA has with adrenaline, and how you can start to USE it rather than try to SUPPRESS it. From here, we need to learn about how we can use our minds to help this process.



“The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights” – Muhammad Ali

Now we know that adrenaline is one of the (if not THE) primary culprits in AA, how does it work? In the last chapter we looked at the PHYSICAL effects, in this chapter we’re going to unpack the psychological factors that adrenaline causes. When we’re done, you’ll have more defined mental strategies to get you past AA like never before.

Most of you, I’m sure, have heard of the term “Fight or Flight” (referred to later as FOF). For those who haven’t, it refers to the full body reaction that urges you to take one of two extreme choices and gives you the ability to do them.

More precisely:

“The fight-or-flight response, also known as the acute stress response, refers to a physiological reaction that occurs in the presence of something that is terrifying, either mentally or physically. The response is triggered by the release of hormones that prepare your body to either stay and deal with a threat or to run away to safety.” 4

Essentially, LIVE or DIE.

You see this response in animals, an instinctive hardwired response to survive. However, they don’t all do the same thing, do they? When threatened, cats will tend to instantly run, while dogs will bare their teeth and growl. Very different responses to the same threat.

So where might you or I encounter fight or flight? Most of us aren’t soldiers, or police officers, that have to deal with extreme physical danger on a regular basis. So what might be a situation involving immediate physical danger that we can all potentially relate to? Let’s say a bar fight. So imagine this scenario:

You’re alone in the crowded, noisy bar on a Saturday night. As your friends haven’t turned up yet, you decide to get a beer while you wait. You make your way to the bar, but on the way you accidentally bump into a tall, well built guy and spill his drink all over his shirt. He immediately gets angry and approaches you aggressively. Obviously, first you try to use reason, to be civil and to talk your way out of it. It doesn’t work. He is drunk and not listening to you. He starts to shout at you and move towards you with a violent look in his eye.


Words are no longer an option, something BAD is about to happen. What do you do?




A chemical reaction happens, your body floods with adrenaline, and you “choose” one way or the other. Even though this all happens in the blink of an eye, this “choice” is based on a number of logistical factors:

Size/strength (does he look like Arnold Schwarzenegger?)

Numbers (does he have an army of friends with him?)

Weapons (are they all holding pool cues?)

Your experience (are you the next Bruce Lee?)

All of these factors are based on one thing. CAPABILITY. The more capable you feel, the more likely you are to stand your ground. The less capable, the more likely you are to flee.

HOWEVER, I’m going to give you two very simple, practical factors that OVERRIDE the chemical instantly, and therefore allow you to take back control of the situation.

Let’s return to the bar for a moment. On this particular occasion, the logistical factors are:

- You are alone.

- You have no fight experience

- There are 7 of them.

- They’re all 6’4” and built like brick shithouses.

- They’re all carrying broken bottles.

Fight or Flight?

Unless you have a death wish, I’m guessing you chose flight. I most certainly would in that situation. However, given the parameters, consider these two eventualities:

1) You turn around to Flight (run), and there’s a BRICK WALL. What do you do?

2) You turn around to Flight (run), and your MUM/CHILD/NIECE IS IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. What do you do?

I’m fairly sure that for both those options, your answer has changed to FIGHT.



In example 1, the brick wall represents NO WAY OUT. If there is no escape, the only option left is to fight. Imagine a police officer for a moment. When a civilian walks past a robbery or a fight in progress, they experience fear. Only the most ethical people would put themselves in harm’s way and take any risk at all. If they ran, no-one would think badly of them. It’s not their responsibility within society. When a police officer discovers the same thing happening, he/she still has the same fear and desire for self preservation (believe it or not), we all do. However, they DO NOT have a choice. They MUST take action. So they do. The “brick wall” represents this lack of choice.

As an instructor, I AM THE BRICK WALL. When a coach is not available, this could also be

a wingman/friend. It could also simply be a way of thinking. You must develop the mental state of “the only way is FORWARD, the only option is ACTION”.

In example 2, a loved one being involved represents RISK/REWARD. When the reward is medium/low, the risk will always affect you. It has to. If dealing with your approach anxiety and getting great results with women is low down on your list, you are always going to feel it. However, I’m guessing it’s pretty high. If it’s super important to you, then the risk disappears.

How do I know this? A few years back, I auditioned for the lead role in the one of the biggest films in history. Had I got it, I’d have been a millionaire overnight, on every billboard, in every magazine. Who would not be nervous going into that audition room?? However, what would have kept me out of that room?


A death in the family (or something equally life-changing) aside, there is literally nothing

that would have made me not go.

“But you might forget your lines!” – PAH! “But you might mess it up!” – WHO CARES?!

The pay-off outweighed the “risk” by SO MUCH that the “risk” barely even registered on the scale. Now, if it had been a lower job, and I’d got the flu, I might have given in to the risk, and stayed home. Only because the REWARD WAS SO HIGH did I not even consider that an option. If someone had wanted to keep me away from that audition, they could fucking try, but they wouldn’t succeed, that chance is mine!!!

[ EXERCISE 4 ] – Time needed – a) 4 hours b) 15:00 mins

Find THE BRICK WALL and RISK/REWARD in your own life:

Exercise (4a) - For the Brick Wall, you could use something like a classic wingman bet in night game. Give a friend £200 (or any amount you DON’T want to lose) in £20 notes and


ask him to give one back each time you approach. That will give you the much need incentive, and more importantly the feeling of not having a way out, and so will ultimately push you forward.

Exercise (4b) - For Risk/Reward, write a paragraph, right now, about WHY becoming good with women is important to you. What does it mean? What would it change? How would your life be different if you succeeded? How would you feel? Make it VITAL! Then print it out and put it somewhere you can see every day.

In conclusion, we can see the IMMEDIATE CHEMICAL CHOICE that adrenaline makes for us when up against tough situations (Fight or Flight), and have indentified two ways of overriding this process in order to take the action needed.



“I still suffer terribly from stage fright. I get sick with fear. You just have to cope with it, take it on the chin and work through it, trying to use the adrenaline to perform.” – Helen Mirren (actress)

So we have established that this “decision” (whether to take action or not) is made for you by your adrenaline assessing all the available factors and immediately facilitating a full body reaction that leads one way or another.

Let me say that again

YOUR CHEMICALS MADE THE CHOICE FOR YOU and so inevitably stopped you from getting the number from the beautiful blonde girl sitting next to you at the coffee shop.

Are you happy with your chemicals choosing your actions??

Sometimes, YES!! Sometimes, absolutely not. So how can we control this? In Chapter 3, we learned that getting rid of the adrenaline is not possible. So now we know all this, how do we actually get past it?

Well, I have TWO ways to help you combat this Fight or Flight (FOF) adrenalin effect. A NEGATIVE method, and a POSITIVE method. I use both, at different times.

Negative Adrenalin Interpretation (NAI)

A clear example of this would be a car crash. A terrible thing to happen to anyone. However, it’s when your adrenaline is a hero. It’s times like these that it was DESIGNED FOR, and so steps up to do its job admirably. If we were to imagine what our adrenaline was saying as it courses through our body, it might be something like this:

“Mark, you aren’t capable of making decisions right now. I’ll look after you. I’ll control your organs, your brain, everything. You just sit down, relax, and I’ll take care of everything.”

And in those situations, I’m very grateful for it! I want to kiss my adrenaline and tell it what a great job it’s doing. It’s saving me from doing what I can’t do because of the extreme and dangerous nature of the situation.

The trouble is, what happens with AA, is that because we’re used to this particular response (adrenaline) to specific stimuli (fear/danger/risk), we associate the new


stimulus (a social interaction) with the old response (fear). Even though the situation is totally different, it’s saying the same thing!

“Mark, you aren’t capable of talking to that beautiful woman. You just sit down, relax, and everything will be ok.”

It’s basically looking right at you and calling you a BIG FUCKING PUSSY!!!

The difference is that this time I DON’T AGREE, AND I WANT YOU TO STOP AGREEING TOO!!!!!

I don’t want a chemical making my decisions for me this time.

and suddenly a torrent of adrenaline creates all the potential risks involved (or excuses, see Chapter 8), none of which are real. Therefore WE CREATE THE RISKS OURSELVES, so that we can err on the side of caution and stay away. Phew, we avoided the danger!

Didn’t we?

We see the beautiful girl,

So this time, YOU NEED TO STAND TALL, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, and proudly say to your


NO!!!!! You won’t take care of anything! I’ll do it. If you want to help me, let’s do it together as a team. If you want to get in my way, then FUCK OFF! I can handle this. I’LL take care of everything thank you very much.”

Imagine for a moment, that somebody told you that you WEREN’T ALLOWED to approach a girl, for one of the following reasons:

- Your race/ethnicity

- Your religion

- Your age

- Your level of wealth

- Your presumed “class”

Just imagine that for a while

How would you feel?




I don’t know about you, but I’d be FUCKING FURIOUS!!!!!!

The thoughts going through my head would be something like this:

How dare you tell me who I can and can’t approach!! I neither want, or need your permission to do anything, let alone speak to another human being! So take your


“permission” and shove it up your ass. I’ll do whatever I want, and nobody, especially you, is gonna tell me otherwise. Now get the fuck out of my face!

Phew!!! Got some anger out there! This rage, this frustration, can actually be very useful in taking back control of your actions and driving you forward to approach women if channelled correctly.

But what if our adrenaline isn’t trying to warn us this time? What if, this time, it was trying to encourage us? Let’s examine the other way of looking at this.

Positive Adrenalin Interpretation (PAI)

This time, when the feeling of adrenaline hits us, it’s as if it is speaking in a language we don’t understand. We hear:

“Blah blah blah blah blah!!!!!!

And so, because we can’t make sense of it, we associate it with the stimulus that we do understand, and assume (like before) that it’s telling us there is a risk, because it normally is. And lucky for us, we know how to deal with risks, we can flee. So we interpret it as:

Hey Mark, that woman might hurt us in some way, probably best to steer clear”.

But what if this time, your adrenaline is ACTUALLY saying

Hey Mark, look over there! There’s a gorgeous woman that you can meet. It’ll be exciting, let’s go say hi!!

The truth is, in social situations your adrenaline functions like a metal detector, like a DIVINING ROD in the desert. It has found something of VALUE to you, and it is simply indicating this. It is trying its best to be your ally, so just let it do its thing!

In conclusion, most of the time we listen to our bodies and implicitly do as we’re told. However, we’ve learned that sometimes, your body is giving you signals that DO NOT match the environment, and when that happens, we need to TAKE BACK CONTROL. We need to re-frame the situation and put it in the correct perspective. Only then can we take advantage of the huge force that adrenaline gives us, and use it to our advantage.



“Use your fear, it can take you to the place where you store your courage.” – Amelia Earhart

So if it’s no longer a case of whether adrenaline is present or not, but more of how it is to be used, what then are its potential motives?

1. To hold me back

2. To push me forward


You can CHOOSE to make your adrenaline into your worst ENEMY or your greatest ALLY.

If you CHOOSE to make it your enemy, you’re going to lose. Every time. However, CHOOSE it to be your ally? Now you’re cooking with gas. Now you have one of the best wingmen in history. A powerhouse in your corner. Remember Mickey from Rocky? An unflinching, uncompromising warrior guide, intent only on getting you into fighting shape. It’s just like that. Adrenaline is FUEL. But fuel can be used for many things. You could put it in your Ferrari Enzo and go at 200mph, or take that exact same fuel, fill up a £10 bottle of vodka, set it alight and blow the car to smithereens. IT’S UP TO YOU.

Think about it, if you DIDN’T have the adrenaline, you’d be walking around like a zombie! No expression, no excitement. It’s the fire in your eyes, the electricity in your veins. It needs to be there, it should be there. Are the butterflies in your stomach there to help or hinder?

[ EXERCISE 5 ] Time needed - Unlimited

RIGHT NOW you are going to RE-DEFINE AA. You are going to change it from AA to AE. Stand up (yup that means getting out of the comfy chair and actually doing something) and get in front of the mirror. Pull your shoulders back, stand tall, head high. Take a deep breath, and then say the following sentence as boldly as you can:

“I DO NOT have approach anxiety. I have APPROACH ENERGY and I’m going to USE IT!!!! “

You have just taken ownership of the feeling in your body. It is there, it’s yours and you aren’t afraid of it!!! Say it a minimum of three times. I want you to say this as often as possible, every day if need be.


You could also use:

Approach Excitement

Approach Excellence

Or even better, make up your own!!

[ EXERCISE 6 ] – Time needed – 10 mins

Take a piece of paper, and divide it into 2 halves, left and right. Head the left side with “Hold Me Back”, and the right with “Push Me Forward”. Under “Hold Me Back” – list all the ways you feel you’re being held back by your AA/ adrenaline, how it stops you, how it wants you to fail. Under “Push Me Forward” – list all the ways your new AE/adrenaline can push you forward, drive you into a new chapter of your life. How can it help and invigorate you, make you into a stronger person?

In conclusion, we can see that AA is essentially how you choose to define it, firstly accepting that it absolutely is a choice. Will it hold you back, or will it push you forward? You choose, and choose now.



“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” – Winston Churchill

Now that we have learned enough to begin to combat the adrenaline release we can get when approaching a beautiful woman, you’re ready for my most powerful tool in the fight against AA. I’m really excited to share this one with you! I would recommend reading this chapter through a few times to really take it all in. In this chapter you’re going to learn about my psychological strategy to smash your AA to pieces. This one is very important.

Before we go any further, consider this statement.


Now before you recoil in horror and think I’m calling you a selfish person in general, have no fear. I’m not saying that at all. What I mean by “selfishness” is “thinking of self”.

When approaching, do you ever think these things?

What shall I say?

Will she reject me?

Will I be humiliated?

How would I get her number?

Will she fancy me?

What do these things all have in common?


Interesting, eh?

Why do we do this?

Well, most of us live in a “take” society, particularly those of us in big cities. We want things all the time. Money, cars, jobs, sex, etc. Very rarely does anyone give to others, unless it benefits them in some way. For example, I work for you for free, because you might employ me later. I give you a gift, because you might give me one, hopefully an even better one!

We also ignore everyone that doesn’t serve our purpose directly.


Ever seen a homeless person and ignored them? Ever walked past a charity person and pretended to be on the phone? Ever strode straight past a person giving out fliers as if they didn’t even exist?

Let’s be honest. We all have at some point. Hopefully we’re not proud of this kind of behaviour, because it goes against the fundamental principles of humanity. But we do it regardless. City living is a big factor in this. If we don’t need or want something from someone, then I don’t have time for them.

The social dynamics/dating world is often sold the same way. GET results. GET dates. GET numbers. It makes sense, we all want those things. You pay your hard-earned money, you give up your valuable time, you expect a return on your investment, right? Sounds perfectly logical to me. But for those with AA, it’s a really bad place to start. You need to start in a different place. So where should we start instead?

I want you to burn the next word into your brain, tattoo it into your mind. Write it down, say it out loud. For those with strong AA, the next word is the most important in this entire eBook.


Let’s define it first:

Altruism: “


concern for the well-being of others” 5

Essentially this means giving to people, NOT taking from them. Which would fly directly

against the standard idea of “results” in dating. How can we get all the things we want,

if we don’t

We call this problem OUTCOME DEPENDENCY, and it’s the death of getting any of those results before you even start.


them? That sounds stupid, I DO want all that stuff. I’m confused!!!!

Let’s be all cultural for a second, and turn to possibly the greatest wordsmith of our times.

“Our doubts are traitors And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt.” 6

This is a quote from Williams Shakespeare’s classic play Measure For Measure. Didn’t think you’d get a bit of classic literature, did you? What Shakespeare is clearly saying is



William Shakespeare, The RSC Shakespeare: The Complete Works (Palgrave Macmillan, 2008)


that the fear of doing trumps everything else, and destroys every opportunity to get those precious “results” we prize above all else.

One of these “fears” we have is about being rejected, right?

So how can altruism destroy this aspect of AA? Well, let’s look at rejection. You know by this point, I love a definition!!

Rejection: The dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc


So again, essentially this is NOT GETTING WHAT YOU PLANNED TO GET.

So if your plan was to “get her number” or “get a date with her”, clearly it is possible to fail this objective. If you don’t get those things in each interaction, you failed to achieve your goal. Failure is not fun. In fact, it downright sucks. Who the hell wants to fail 50 times a week? I fucking don’t! You’ll quit by the end of the month if that’s your plan, trust me.

So just for now, let’s flip it. Let’s GIVE to people, rather than TAKE from them.

If rejection is the failure to get the thing you were trying to get, stop trying to get that thing. Simple logic, but sound. If there is NO outcome, there can’t be a rejection. You CANNOT BE REJECTED FROM GIVING SOMETHING. You just give it. Done. At this point, the nerves no longer make any sense.

Don’t believe me? Consider this scenario:

It’s lunchtime, you’re standing outside a coffee shop in a busy town centre. A beautiful woman is standing on the other side of the street from you. She is stunning, your

absolute physical type, a “Perfect 10”.

approach Sarah. Obviously, bear in mind the time of day. It’s the middle of the day, we most likely aren’t going to be taking this girl home to our bed right now. If that was the intention, you will be spending your hard-earned money, and giving up your valuable time to get coffee, drinks, dinners, with this person before that type of intimacy happens. Anyway, there she is, standing in front of you.

For now, let’s call her “Sarah”. You want to

[ EXERCISE 7 ] – Time needed – 5:00 mins

Write down what you want from Sarah right now. There is no wrong answer, what you think is all that matters. Answer as honestly and with as much detail as you can. Don’t just think about it, write a list of all the things you want from her.


Right, pens down!

So, what did you write? What did you want from Sarah?

A great conversation?

Her attention?

For her to like you?

For her to be intrigued?

Her phone number?

Facebook details?

A date with her?


A relationship?

Any of the following?

Yes to all? Maybe all except the relationship? Sex aside (which is an animal instinct we all have and shouldn’t be afraid to admit or act upon), none of the others make logical sense.

Don’t agree with me? Let’s continue.

I’m going to tell you some facts about Sarah. These are not up for debate, but absolutely 100% true facts about this girl. You are not going to change her, it’s just who she is. Bear in mind, this is not a judgement. It’s 2017, people can do, say and think whatever they want as long as they don’t hurt others. It’s your personal preference that matters here. Let’s see if anything changes:

1. She’s racist.

Still want all those things you wanted a minute ago?


Ok, let’s go on.

2. She’s not intelligent

Maybe? You sure? Remember, she’s gorgeous

3. She’s not funny.


4. She’s a serial killer

Some of you might still be saying yes to these. Hopefully most of you said no to at least one of them (hopefully number 4!!!). Obviously this is totally subjective, each to their own, and some people will want these things whatever the situation.


What is the point of this example?

Basically, if you want things from someone YOU DON’T YET KNOW, it means you’re coming from a WEAK PERSPECTIVE, which is as follows:

“I’ll have anyone. If she’s attractive, she can be the worst person in the world, and I’ll still buy her dinner, drinks etc, because I might get to sleep with an 8! Woo!!!!”

No. No. No. Not good enough. In fact, in my opinion, it’s pathetic. And in game terms, about as unattractive as it gets.

More importantly, think about it from a woman’s perspective. The weak perspective is the absolute pinnacle of neediness, and women have a finely tuned radar for neediness. It’s a MAJOR attraction killer, and anything you can do not to come across in this way will play very well in your success rate with the high calibre women I’m sure you all want.

Men will ignore anything for beauty. Don’t get me wrong, I love beauty! I like a beautiful sunrise, a beautiful landscape, and beautiful women, but that’s as far as it goes. It’s not important at all, even if you like it.

Have you ever heard a guy say:

“I don’t need her to be funny, my buddies are funny!” “I don’t need her to be intelligent, I read a lot!”


a hundred more. Maybe it was you that said them. People will date that girl for

months, years. Sometimes they marry that girl. Then 20 years later, when they realise that all their friends are having babies and not going out as much, and this person is the one you spend all your time with, you wish they did have these qualities. You wish you had searched a planet of 7 billion people a bit more thoroughly than just the other side of your office to find a quality partner.

If you agree that all this doesn’t sound like an attractive place to be coming from, then let’s shift your paradigm to the strong perspective.


“Yes, you are beautiful, that’s true. That’s the reason I decided to approach you. But when, and ONLY when I see the qualities of someone I like, would I even think about exchanging information with you and perhaps going on a date.”

So until a certain point in the interaction, I don’t know if I even WANT to take someone’s number or not. That word is important, WANT. It should be a choice, not something you do because you’re desperate to. (Note: this is slightly more daygame specific)


This is somewhat easier to achieve when you live in a busy town, where beauty is everywhere. I live in London, and so every bar, coffee shop, street, station, has attractive people in it. Every day of the year.

Consider this student’s story:

[ CASE STUDY 1 ] - Chris (32), Farmer from North Yorkshire, UK.

Chris was in a difficult position. He simply was not used to seeing beautiful women regularly. He lived in a rural area, and only met new people on rare occasions. Therefore, his surroundings led to an easily cultivated scarcity mindset. Every beautiful girl became hugely important, because he felt he might not meet another for ages, and so automatically he had given them enormous value. He had elevated them onto a pedestal of his own making. He did actually want to make a career move eventually, but not yet, and so I told him the only way this situation is going to change is if your surroundings change. And so I challenged to go into town centre three times a week, minimum, from now on, and if money allowed, to come to London once a month. He agreed, and it made a huge difference. Suddenly he was seeing an array on gorgeous women regularly, and so the whole thing became more normal. Beauty itself became more normal, and so the pedestal crumbled. He could finally see women for more than beauty, and therefore communicate with them more effectively.

Obviously, I understand that those of you not living in busy cities can’t just up and move. We all have family, friends, jobs, responsibilities. But you CAN take advantage of where you are. Take time to identify the busier places, and make sure to be there as often as you can. Is there a shopping precinct or mall? Are there any coffee shops? Be around people, around beauty, so that it becomes a normal thing as quickly as possible.

So, if an outcome based objective for an approach makes no sense if you’re coming from a strong frame, then what might be better? What might be giving, instead of taking?

Well, let’s use a direct approach as an example. For those who don’t already know, a “direct” approach is one that states your intent right from the beginning (as against “indirect” which does not). So that “intent” would usually be in the form of a compliment. So we need to think

What’s the point of a compliment? What would be giving, not taking? What would be altruistic? What could be an altruistic mission for even the most direct approach?


So simple. That’s all you need. “I want to make your day” is much the same.


Listen to these next words very carefully:

A simple, focused, positive, altruistic mission is the key to destroying AA at the root.

Most people try to ignore the nerves and power through, and honestly I applaud the effort. But then there is a gap. Like I said before, it’s taking the tops off the weeds.

THIS is literally WEED KILLER.

Without replacing the old mindset with a newer, healthier one, you have nothing. It’s about retraining and rewiring your mind from its negative echo chamber to a better one, rather than an empty one. In essence, we are doing some hardcore MIND MANAGEMENT.

This is where to start. If you can nail this, you are off to the races, I promise you. If you agree that the idea of making somebody else feel great is a good thing, that’s all you need to make strong start.

You may be thinking, “Bullshit! That’s way too simple, I can do that!!”

Then why haven’t you? Huh?! Why haven’t you been going out and approaching every day??

Because, like Shakespeare said, the fear stops people from taking the first step. Once the step is taken, everything else will fall into place. Yes, you need to learn things like conversation and escalation too, but if you don’t approach in the first place all those things are pointless!!!!

In conclusion, we can see that nerves all stem from thinking of ourselves. Don’t be selfish, think of HER. Make HER day better, rather than worrying about what YOU’RE GOING TO GET.

Keep it simple. For now, just make her smile.



“If you want to be successful, you must respect one rule:

never lie to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho

As human beings, we’re very good at making excuses and telling lies (some better than others, obviously). We also like to think we’re good at detecting them. So what’s the difference? Yup, you guessed it, let’s define them!

EXCUSE - an attempt to JUSTIFY a certain behaviour or action. LIE - an untruth meant to DECEIVE, the reasons for which could be many.

In general, we’re more comfortable with excuses. We make them all the time, and most of the time they’re harmless enough; to get out of work, to leave a boring party early, to not do the washing up. But we sometimes also make excuses not to do the important things in life, and/or to not take RISKS. Not to jump out of a plane, make a career change, end a relationship. Excuses justify why doing this thing might not be a good idea. Just like adrenaline, we give in to that which supposedly is protecting us.

Lies are different. They are meant to deceive, purposefully. Not all negatively, of course. Sure, we lie for bad reasons, to hurt people, to govern people, to cheat on people, but also to be tactful, to comfort. We’ve all lied at some point, and when needed we’re pretty good at it. But there’s one person who lying to is never comfortable.


Lying to yourself to is unnervingly awkward and uncomfortable, because there is no-one there to benefit from it. You might be saying “people do it all the time!”, and you’re right, they do. You might know someone who has dated (or even married) the wrong person, and everyone can see it but them. They lie to themselves that it’s ok, that they’re happy, and they do it for so long that the lie becomes a twisted version of the truth. Truth v2.0 if you will. The only time that person takes action is when something happens that causes them to see what everyone else sees. Essentially, to stop lying to themselves. The moment of clarity when you realise that you are lying to yourself makes you feel so uncomfortable, the only option is to change something, and change it now. This is exactly what WE need if we’re going to take action, and approach the gorgeous redhead across the street.

Its sting is most powerful when it has an effect on other people, the people you love, the ones around you. The most common example of this is an alcoholic. They can happily drink themselves into a stupor every night of the week and never look in the mirror to


reflect on what they’re doing to their life. It’s the moment they crash the car and nearly kill their wife or child as the car careers out of control, that they suddenly see the cold light of day. They see what this is doing to others, and the horror of reality hits them like a ton of bricks. The same could be said of obese people. They rarely see the extent of the problem until it involves others. Until they make a fool of themselves in front of a group of friends, or they see a wedding photo and feel mortified at how they look compared to everyone else. It’s a powerful moment.

Also, when we share these things, it vindicates our feelings and is yet another thing that stops us taking action. Imagine a group of guys in a bar. They see a beautiful woman and one of them wants to approach her. Suddenly he is attacked by AA, and makes an excuse:

“Oh, actually, she looks like a bit of a gold digger”.

Suddenly his friends all chime in

“Yeh mate, look at those heels!!” “Probably really snooty!” “Dodged a bullet there bro!”

Suddenly he feels better, and they all laugh about it together. His excuse now feels justified, and therefore validated enough for him to feel ok about not taking action. The pressure is off, and that is a relief. But imagine that same scenario if the guy was alone.

He sees her, he wants to approach. Suddenly, he thinks

“Actually, she looks like a gold digger!”

[a tumbleweed slowly drifts over a silent dusty road]

It’s not true. He knows it. He just made it up, how fucking pathetic. He feels depressed. Ever felt like him? I certainly have! I used to do this ALL THE TIME. Any excuse to make me feel that it was ok not to approach. And it would work. I’d have a great night and then on the taxi ride home I’d get a huge pang of sadness. Why? Because I’d let myself down. I gave in. I allowed my excuses to get in the way of my own happiness. How could I do that to myself??!!

Why am I dwelling on this bad feeling? Well, because most coaches will just ignore it. Tell you to set it aside, and go approach now!! I can see the logic. But like I said before, it’s how you feel, so I can’t (and won’t) ignore it. Otherwise it’ll come back when you least expect it. So instead of ignoring it, we’re going to USE IT.

So how can we actually USE to this feeling to combat our AA?


Well, this is my method. I don’t ignore excuses, or put them to one side. They are real. Anyone who has AA knows how real they can be. Not necessarily legitimate, but real. To ignore them would be to ignore your true feelings and wallpaper over them. So I like to work through them, so that together, we can actually see them for what they are in the cold light of day, rather than dressing them up in technique, which can bury them even deeper.

What I do is work through each excuse, one by one, with every client, until we change an EXCUSE, into a LIE. Because as we’ve said, we’re quite happy making excuses, but lying to ourselves is not good, and makes us want to take action.

[ CASE STUDY 2 ] – Adam (26), Sales Rep from Aberdeen, Scotland.

Adam came to me with what he thought wasn’t AA. He simply thought the world was against him. Every time he saw a girl there was an issue, it was just bad luck. So we went out and I could see instantly what the problem was. Every time it was the same. She’s too tall, too busy, has a friend with her, is going into a shop, etc ,etc, etc. So I called him on his bullshit. Firstly, I asked him whether any of this was altruistic? He thought for a moment, and then said “No.” Then I went through each excuse one by one and destroyed them. He stood there on the pavement, looking defeated. And then suddenly he realised that it wasn’t him that had been defeated, but just his negative patterns. Now he had a system that allowed him to call HIMSELF on his bullshit, hold himself accountable! From that moment, he was transformed. Within 5 minutes, he had approached 3 beautiful women, and is now one of my greatest success stories.

Here is an example set of excuses. We’re going to check them off one by one. Always be asking yourself, “Do I KNOW it? Or do I just THINK it?” Are these thoughts true, legitimate?

“I’m going to be REJECTED” – as we discovered earlier, if you’re being altruistic, there’s nothing to be rejected from. You’re not trying to get anything, so there is no rejection.

“She has a BOYFRIEND “ – is she with someone, or is she alone? If she’s alone, you made it up, 100%. If she’s with someone, are they actually kissing/holding hands? Could you approach and ask? Something like, “I know this might sound random, but you guys make a beautiful couple!” will gain you a real answer.

“She’s BUSY” – is she running down the road with a briefcase?! Does she have a phone in each ear? Or is she just walking down the street?

“I don’t think it’s APPROPRIATE to do this” – what the fuck does that even mean?!! What’s appropriate? Are we in church?! Are we in the middle of a business meeting?? No!!! If you don’t think you should be doing it, don’t do it. You need to be fully confident that you’re doing a good thing. It all starts here.


“What am I going to say/do?” – firstly, all you need in the moment is your opener. That should be very simple, truthful, direct. It doesn’t take long to teach the verbal and physical aspects of opening. But even so, take the time to learn the basics of game, structure of interactions, conversation, etc. We teach this on Bootcamps and the 7-Day Mastery course. However, to get started on conversation, have a look at Kezia’s “10 Hook Lead System” DVD (

At this point, when they are no longer legitimate EXCUSES, they are LIES. We are now officially lying to ourselves. All that’s left is either ACTION or INACTION – that comes down to whether you want it enough.

[ EXERCISE 8 ] – Time needed – 10:00 mins

Earlier we made a list of all the thoughts that come into your head at the point of approach. Now go through them 1 by 1 and write down whether they are real, or imagined. Do you KNOW them, or just THINK them? If you think them, what is your evidence? Is it legitimate? You don’t have to do these all at the same time. You could do them one at a time. E.g if you find that you are constantly thinking, “She’s busy”, just work on that one until you have resolved it before moving on.

In conclusion, it’s clear we make excuses all the time, and we also lie all the time. Lying to yourself is awkward and painful, so use this pain to drive you forward. Turn those excuses into lies, so all that’s left is ACTION.



“You know what? If it’s creepy to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I’m creepy.” – Howard Wolowitz (The Big Bang Theory)

I get this type of question ALL THE TIME

“What if I come across as creepy?” “How do I stop her from thinking I’m sleazy?”

In this chapter, we’re going to address this very common concern that guys have. It’s an issue that adds fuel to AA, so this chapter is here to put your mind at rest. It will help you make a better impression, and so help you move forward with your interactions.

I’ve experienced this feeling many times in the past. You’re in the middle of a busy bar, and you suddenly get an overwhelming pang that every woman is looking at you like you’re a creep. That even if you dare to approach, they will think of you as the weirdo that just shouldn’t even bother. That whatever you do, they’ll just look at you like a scumbag instead of hearing you out.

[ CASE STUDY 3 ] Alan (37), HR for a Financial Company, New York, USA.

Alan was his own worst enemy. He was well dressed, decent looking, good natured, athletic, funny. But every time he wanted to approach a beautiful woman, all of this fell to pieces, and he was filled with an overwhelming feeling that he was going to creep her out. He would have great banter with me, and then as soon as he had to approach, it would disappear. It was clear to me that his problem was a severe lack of faith in himself, a very common sticking point. He felt that if he gave into the more animal instinct that occurs when you see a woman (you know, the feeling you get when she walks by that makes you go “Damn!!!! She is hot!”) that he’d also regress into some kind of caveman or weirdo. The solution is simple. Remember who you are. Are you someone who says weird and inappropriate things to friends/family? If so, then ok, further guidance may be needed. But if not, then it won’t happen here. It just won’t. So I spent the day simply restoring Alan’s faith in himself, and finally he realised that he is simply not that person. Therefore WHATEVER the impulse, he is who he is, and will respond as such. And so slowly his faith returned, and could finally show his strength. From that day, he was a changed man.

My first piece advice is very simple. If you don’t want to come across as “creepy”, the answer is simple



Before you dismiss that advice as absurdly flippant, I want you to remember something. If we think about it, most of us actually do know what “creepy” looks & sounds like. We often notice it when other people are displaying it. We spot the drunk guy who’s letching all over the girl and won’t leave her alone. We notice the guy staring at the girl and following her around the club. Start paying attention to exactly what they are doing that makes you feel uneasy and note it for your own development.

There is a simple equation to how an approach will go, which is as follows:


If you are what you would consider a good person, you get a +1 for the 1 st part. If you think what you are saying (direct opener) is a good thing, you get a +1 for the 2 nd part.

Therefore we end up with:

+ 1 + 1 = +2

However, if (as many do) you have ended up with a minus number on the right, there are many things that can cause it. Self-esteem issues, her state of mind, how her does was, and a thousand more possibilities.

But this is IMPORTANT:


We are not alchemists. We cannot turn lead in to gold, I wish I could!!! There is nothing in that equation which is negative, creepy, sleazy. Sometimes we have to come back to

the reality of the world, and see that what we think is actually not the truth. It does not

reflect what’s actually happening.

Keep coming back to the equation, it’s very simple.

However, if you feel you are someone that doesn’t notice these commonly viewed “creepy” behaviours in yourself or others, these are some of the key things to watch out for:

Lingering touch

Overtly sexual language

Intensely flirty eye contact


At this point, I can hear you saying:


“But I thought those were all normal game techniques?!!”

Correct, they are.

ALL of the above things have a definite place in social interactions. The key is WHEN and HOW you apply them. Some of our trainers are more extroverted, energetic characters, while some are more smooth and cool. You cannot watch a YouTube video, see a trainer you like and try to emulate them exactly. That would be like reading a muscle magazine and trying to copy a champion bodybuilder’s diet and regime exactly. You have to find and embrace the style that suits your personality, and then calibrate what action suits that style. I tend to be quite high energy , so I had to find the perfect recipe of escalation that works for me, but for you it could be something totally different. The more action you take, the more data you have to decide this style.

Also, the above key things are usually more night-game oriented than daygame (though not always), so let’s look at them one by one. (Note: there will be more tips for night game approaching in Chapter 12)

Q: Is it ok for your touch to be lingering? DAY – It can be, potentially, but it’s usually not as welcome in these shorter interactions. Unless you have really built up a good connection and the interaction has become obviously flirty, keep the touch more light. I tend to keep daygame “kino” (touch) very simple, as I’m not trying to escalate in the same way, or toward the same goal. Arms are usually a safe place to touch someone here. NIGHT – Absolutely, WHEN the time is right. Physical escalation is VITAL for nightgame, as long as it’s at the right level, and calibrated to be suitable in the specific situation.

Q: Is it ok to use overtly sexual language? DAY – In my opinion, no. For daygame, I would be more concentrated on more polite, but still strong verbals, with some light teasing/flirting/challenging. There are no 100% rules here, so anything is possible, but if you’re worried about coming across as creepy, avoid all the words that have a sexual connotation unless it’s clearly the vibe. Words like “sexy”, “hot”, etc are not so welcome at 2pm outside Starbucks, but “beautiful”, “pretty” etc are ok, as long as they are clear, strong and get your message of interest across. For example, if you make a comment that she looks “sexy in that skirt” during the day, that is almost certainly NOT the reason she is wearing it (compared to nightgame), and so it will be unwelcome. NIGHT – Yes, 100%. Again, if you have judged that this person is on board with your level of flirtation, then it’s a vital part of verbal escalation. In fact, it is exactly this that can make the interaction into something great. There is nothing you can’t say if you calibrate it right. Unfortunately, you have to push the boundaries to find where yours are.

Q: Is it ok to use very flirty & intense eye contact?


DAY – You can, but it’s not necessary. You’re not escalating hard like at night, so I would mainly avoid it. Concentrate on warm, connected eye contact, with moments of flirty intensity that spice up the interaction and make it clear you’re interested. NIGHT – Yup, 100%.

Q: What if I get too near? DAY – Proximity is needed for a normal conversation, particularly in loud environments, but make sure you are NOT in her personal space for the initial approach. [Quick personal space test: Put your arms out in front of you, now take them out to the side. That ‘circle’ is your “personal space”]. When you approach during the day, don’t be in that circle for the first 10 seconds at least. Of course, when you’ve started to open someone, you then move into the normal speaking range, so that you can do kino, but just for the first 10 seconds we don’t want to give the impression of threat. The person you are approaching must feel safe at all times, otherwise nothing you say will be heard. NIGHT – At night, you can be as close as you want IF the situation allows. Just as HER proximity is an indicator of interest (or IOI, as it is sometimes referred to), you need to calibrate yours also. Too close too soon can be too much, but equally it can be the perfect move. Nightgame is all about judging the environment and the set and deciding what’s best. However, in principle, when you are already in set and escalating, then there is no “too near” for nightgame. In a noisy club, you might have to literally talk into someone’s ear right from the start.

In conclusion, there are simple ways to monitor whether your behaviour is coming across as “creepy”, or “sleazy”. We’ve learned that if you are self-aware, notice things in yourself that you notice in others and avoid the main things I mentioned in the chapter, you’ll make the best impression possible.



“I’m too old for this shit” – Danny Glover, Lethal Weapon

A lot of people out there are convinced that approaching women is exclusively a young

man’s game. They believe that once you get past a certain age, it’s no longer “acceptable” to approach, or that it gets impossibly difficult, or even feel it’s pointless as the reaction will be negative. This in turn can once more fuel the AA and make it difficult

to get started. In this chapter, I want to look at what the best options are for guys in the more mature age bracket, and hopefully restore your faith that anyone can do this.


you’re a more mature guy reading this now, do you ever think


She’s going to think I’m old enough to be her Dad

It isn’t appropriate to hit on her (there’s that bloody word again!!!!)

I can’t compete with all these younger men


so, then I’m here to let you know that NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

Now, that’s not to say we don’t all have our limits with the age of people we want to approach. I’m 35, and I definitely look at people of a certain age and decide they are too young for me. In this sense, we have to be somewhat realistic with our expectations.

Is it likely a 21 year would want a relationship with a 54 year old? Possibly, but probably

not. If we are in totally different times in our lives, want different things, it’s unlikely to work.

Is it possible for a 54 year old to ATTRACT a 21 year old? ABSOLUTELY.

Now, that’s not to say it won’t be without challenges.

DOWN. Grooming yourself properly and dressing well for your age is a huge bonus. My friend and our fashion expert Daniel Johnson released an eBook with Kezia that contains lots of great advice about this. Check it out here: ( whatgirlswantmentowear/).

You need to have the basics

Also, to attract a woman significantly younger than yourself requires exceptional confidence. As an older guy, it is expected that you carry an air of confidence, of gravitas. For that reason, the DIRECT APPROACH is almost always the choice. It is the type of no bullshit approach that will show the most strength. Older guys aren’t expected to play stupid games like younger men, they aren’t afraid to get to the point. Women respond massively to that strength, and clarity. It is hugely attractive.


[ CASE STUDY 4 ] Stefan (62), Investor from Stockholm.

Stefan was a successful guy in many ways. He had amassed wealth, and was still in great shape. However, as someone who was fairly recently divorced after a 30+ year marriage, he was not used to modern dating, and so regressed back to how he behaved when he was first on the market. This was backed up with a lot of stuff he’d read and watched on YouTube. However, he was not getting good results. It was all lines, humour, banter, no real substance. Humour is great, but not at the detriment of real emotions, or real conversation. I changed his approach drastically. I told him the drop all of that momentarily, and try the direct approach. Bring the gravitas you have in the boardroom to the bar and just tell people how it is, and own your situation. Immediate change. The response was so strong. Then we re-implemented all the humour back on top of that strength, and now he’s lethal.

Just as with all approaches, you may encounter some “resistance”, i.e negative sounding comments, such as “You’re too old for me”. Rather than run away with your tail between your legs, this a shit-test like any other, and more than younger guys, THIS is the moment you really need to OWN IT. You must be absolutely confident in your reality and not be affected by anyone else’s.

If you do face this type of verbal resistance, you can immediately strike a funny, self- deprecating but intensely strong line with something like:

“Damn right, I’m the oldest guy in the old people’s home, they just let me out to hit on beautiful women!”

“I’m looking for nurse. I need a bedbath!”

“I’m not old, I’m ancient! Which also means I’m very experienced.”

If you inject some humour into this, you can make a big impact. Younger women expect this type of self confidence from older men. If you struggle with this type of confidence, start by exuding this type of humour/strength on sets you don’t find so attractive or intimidating, and work your way up.

In conclusion, we learned that the best approach for older guys is to be direct. We also found that although you may get some initial additional resistance, your strength and confidence is all that needed to succeed. You will be expected to more confident than younger guys, so don’t play their silly games.




“Between the dreams of night and day, there is not so great a difference.” – Carl Jung

In this chapter, we’re going to go over the specific ways that you can get past AA when

As we saw in Chapter 10, daygame and nightgame can be very

different, so now we’re going to look at specific things you can work on at night.

should arm you with a number of more concretely defined ways you can develop, and therefore lessen any AA.

approaching at night.


I’ll be honest, I don’t like nightclubs.

When I was at university, I used to love them. I would go out all the time, and go crazy! But more than a decade later, I’ve lost my taste for them, as I’m sure a lot of you have. Maybe you’ve never liked them, they’ve just never been places you feel comfortable. Nightclubs can be loud, busy, intimidating places, especially if you have AA. They are social jungles, and need to be understood properly if someone that doesn’t frequent and/ or like them can make any kind of impact.

[ EXERCISE 9 (a,b,c,d) ] – Time needed – 3-6 months

Here are some top nightgame tips for those who have AA:

Exercise (9a) - Become acclimatised to the location/venue first – you need to be comfortable before you can take any kind of meaningful action in any environment. So before you jump into a 5-floor superclub and worry about hitting on a 10-set of catwalk models (which you will do in time!), first just go to a bar/club and hang out with a friend. Just experience the venue, the environment with no pressure. Get used to the music, the vibe. If you’re flying solo, just go there and hang out for 15 mins with a drink. Walk around the place, see how people interact. If you have a specific venue you intend to go to regularly, get to know it now. Find out when it’s busy, and when it’s more calm. The more you know the better, and the more comfortable you’ll be when you start making approaches.

Exercise (9b) - Identify different areas – the noisy dancefloor isn’t necessarily the best place to game. It has its advantages if you can dance well and want to rapidly escalate, but not everyone likes to dance. If you hate these noisy areas, find the areas that are more conducive to talking. These are places like the smoking area, VIP room and by the bar itself. If you can approach someone here, or move (“bounce”) a girl from a noisy place to one of these quieter areas, you can actually engage them in a better conversation, and therefore feel more confident. Also, once you’ve identified these areas, you can aim to lead women to them. This is also a good way to


isolate (talk to a woman 1 on 1, instead of in a group), which is very important in nightgame.

Exercise (9c) - Take small action, regularly, work the room – this is an exercise in building social proof, and is what Kezia calls “Social Snowballing”. If you have AA, forget about storming into a 5-set and closing them all, just concentrate on taking action. Just do something, anything. Cheers a girl’s glass, compliment someone on their outfit, talk to the barman, coat-check girl, etc. Small things. You know that feeling when you and another person clock eyes over the bar because the barman is taking ages? And then you see them again later and give them a nod of acknowledgement? That is the beginning of social proof. To “ work the room”, is simply to take action, however small, consistently. Also, these are important warm-up sets that can energise you for the rest of the night.

Exercise (9d) - Work on non-verbal communication – this is important. A lot of club/ bar game is non-verbal, and we know 75% of communication is non-verbal in general. One way to do this is to “Force IOI’s” – this means to use your facial expressions to flirt from a distance. This is a good way to test the water from across the room before you approach. Find an expression that works for you. Some people a classic smile works best, some a cheeky wink, some even stick a tongue out! See what you can get away with. If it is reciprocated, green light! If not, no-one saw anything, win-win!! Another tip is to take a dance class, e.g. salsa, to improve your physical confidence, which will in turn up your dance-floor game.

In conclusion, many of the skills in daygame and nightgame are the same, there are many crossovers. However, they can also be very different animals, and so knowing some definitive nightgame strategies is important. Getting to know the environment, working the room and taking small consistent action are the keys to success.



“There are many things that I would like to say to you,

but I don’t know how

– Wonderwall, Oasis

A lot of people’s AA is based on “what to say next”, or “running out of things to say”. We are not covering conversation in this ebook, but we are going to address certain ways to begin combating this sticking point. This issue is very common, and has three main paths to being fixed:

1. Altruism – If you are thinking too far ahead, you will never take action in the first place. As we learned in earlier chapters, the mission should be simple, focused and positive. You know the opener (if not, email me and I’ll advise a simple direct opener), and that’s all you need to know. What comes next is irrelevant to altruism, and so should be irrelevant to you in the moment of approaching. You had an impulse, and are simply acting on it to brighten someone’s day.

2. Structure – learn the structure of interactions, and this will give you a framework from which to improvise around, rather than having to improvise from scratch every time. This eBook is not going to cover the structure in detail (the next one will, so stay tuned!), but in essence it’s the following:

- Open (direct/indirect/hybrid)

- Transition (observational assumption)

- Mid-Game (conversation, connection, hooks)

- Close (number, kiss, etc)

If you want detailed knowledge on the structure of game, you can purchase my next eBook, or any of Kezia’s current products on the subject. Otherwise, email me or any of the team and we can advise you further.

3. Conversational Skill – this again is a whole topic of its own, one which I will be covering in the next eBook, and again we have neither the time or space to cover it in any depth here. However, one tip I will give you is to KNOW YOURSELF. The keys to conversation are knowing yourself and being able to recall all that information instantaneously. Again, if you want further advice on conversation, don’t hesitate to get in touch, or check out Kezia’s “10 Hook Lead (

[ EXERCISE 10 ] - Time needed – 10 mins


Next time you’re in the shower, going for a walk, or anywhere where you’re not actively engaged in something that requires thought, you can do this exercise. It’s essentially improv practice – pick a word at random (broccoli, umbrella), and just START TALKING. I want you to talk, out loud, about this subject for 1 minute without stopping. Difficult, eh? You may think impossible. I guarantee if there was a gun to your head you could do it. Then pick another word and go for 2 minutes. See if you can build up to 5 minutes. The point here is to get out of your head and just talk. This is where you find the gold. Beyond the lines, beyond the obvious, beyond the boring, is where the gold lies. So just keep talking and you’ll find it.

In conclusion, now we have some simple ways to stop the thought of “not knowing what to say” from getting in the way of us approaching women. A knowledge of structure, self- awareness and conversational mastery are very important to take your game to the next level. But it’s also vital to keep things simple and not think too far ahead. Be in the moment, not in the future.



“A journey of a thousand miles beings with a single step” - Confucius

In this chapter, I want to point out an important roadblock in most people’s development. This will deepen your understanding of your progress as a whole and allow you to enjoy the process more as a result.


Aditya (34), Teacher, Chennai, India. He had never approached a woman in his life. This dude had CRIPPLING AA. So we started slow, getting the basics down. I was working closely with him, and after a number of hours he did the first direct approach in his life. I was so proud, I wanted to hug him. He skipped back over to me, physically shaking from all the adrenaline coursing through his body. A minute later, after he’d calmed down slightly, he turned to me and said: “Damn, I wasn’t able to close her.” Close her????!!! The guy has NEVER done this before, and yet was angry at himself for not getting her number!! I wanted to shake him. I was so proud of what he had achieved in such a small amount of time, and wanted him to be proud, and so needed to explain to him the reality of what just happened. He had jumped so many steps ahead, and so lost sight of his achievement. As soon as he came back to the reality of what he had done, which he had NEVER been able to do in his entire life, he could actually enjoy himself.

This is actually very common. If this was any other skill, it wouldn’t even occur to us to think that far ahead. If you were learning the piano, would you expect to play Beethoven on day 1? If you were learning French would you expect to be able to discuss quantum mechanics on the 3 rd session? No! Of course not, it would be absurd. But because social dynamics and dating are things society tells us we SHOULD be able to do, we expect to just click our fingers and do it.

This takes time, just like anything worth learning. It’s a skill like any other. In fact, that itself is a huge shift. When you start, you have in your mind that maybe you’re just one of the ones that can’t do it. One of the ones that are destined to never chat someone up, never approach. When you get started, there is a switch, and suddenly you start thinking, “No, actually I can do this. Maybe everyone can. I’m not an expert yet, but if I put the time in, the results will come”.

As long as you are pushing yourself a step forward every time, you are doing well. But while on that journey, ENJOY your progress. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. There is no need to


take giant leaps. If you can, great! But one small step was good enough for Neil Armstrong, it’s good enough for us. It will also lessen the AA, by moving towards something tangible without always having the pressure of the “next thing” on our shoulders.

[ EXERCISE 11 ] – Time needed – 20:00 mins per day

Here are some simple small shifts you can make in daygame to lessen AA

Ask for directions – concentrate on just being relaxed speaking calmly

Ask for directions, then add a compliment at the end (can be about anything)

Give a non-direct compliment on its own (ie, “Excuse me, I just had to tell you that is a very cool bag!”)

Help a tourist if they look lost or need a photo taking

In conclusion, don’t worry about how far other people are going, or how far you think you should be going, just take a step forward. The next step is right in front of you. Small shifts are the way.



“The worst has happened, the next is best.” – Paul George (NBA basketball player)

I’m not sure how this rumour spread. I started teaching this as a total accident, and it has become one of the most requested pieces of game tech I’ve ever had. Literally, every bootcamp, someone will come over and say

“Mark, are we gonna do some of your blow-out game later?”


when I stop being yet again surprised they’ve heard of it, I say

“Damn right we are!!!!”

So what is Blow Out Game? Well, I’m pretty sure you can get a decent picture just from the name. But let’s be nice and plain about it. Blow Out Game is literally doing things that are intended to get you a negative result.


Well, most people’s AA is not actually based on reality. It’s not based on the fact that they’ve been blown out 10 times a night for years and now need help. No. Most of the time it’s based on what would happen “IF” they approached. It’s based on the thought of it. Essentially, it’s based on nothing, on the concept of the UNKNOWN.

Legendary American writer Mark Twain said it best:

“Some of the worst things in my life never even happened.”

The “Unknown” is a simple but unnerving concept. As terrifying as it might be, as soon as it has happened, it instantly becomes the “Known”, and therefore loses all its power over you.

Therefore, the objective of blow out game is to: make the UNKNOWN into the KNOWN.

So how do we do that exactly?

Well, first you need to identify what precise things you are afraid of happening to you. I imagine they will be one of the following:

Being slapped in the face

Having a drink thrown at you


Having a girl turn away in disgust

Being told to fuck off

Now, let’s be clear, none of these are nice things. This chapter is VERY SPECIFIC about this. We are NOT trying to score numbers or dates in this chapter, we are dealing with a very specific fear. I understand that this is not for everyone. It’s for those of you that have the balls to do something truly outside your comfort zone, to face your fears and conquer them head on. (Note: this is much more nightgame focused than daygame, although it can be done during the day)

If you think that sounds like you, let’s put it into practice:

[ EXERCISE 12 ] – Time needed – 4 hours

Go to a busy bar or nightclub. The ideal place is a meat-market where there are plenty of people, so you’re not worried about each set being seen by other sets. Ideally go with a friend/wingman, so that you can both just have fun and lessen each other’s nerves.

a) Do 3 small warm up sets – simple stuff, cheers glasses, etc.

b) Think of the most stupid, boring, annoying or ridiculous thing you could say to someone. It doesn’t have to be anything other than that. We’re not trying to be clever or funny right now. Something like “How are you?”, “Can I buy you a drink?”, “What time does this place close?” You will NOT get a great response. Most likely just a bored or annoyed shrug. If you feel like you can carry on, great. If not, end with something positive like “Have a brilliant night!” and eject with good energy.

c) Do 3 cheesy lines on women. I’m talking the classics, like “Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?” or “Get your coat, you’ve pulled”. These aren’t offensive in anyway way, but they are not great, as intended. Now you can try to up the ante with your delivery. Add some humour, see what you can get away with. You may be surprised at the response you get to these if you deliver them well.

d) Before you head out the door, try something totally out there. Give someone the most outrageously sexual compliment. This can be ANYTHING. Warning, this could potentially get ANY result, but that’s what we’ve been working toward. Luckily, we’re out the door in a minute. Say it, get the result, go back to your friend and laugh it off together as you head off into the night.

Phew, you did it!!!!!!!


You may have noticed something odd. Although we were looking for blow outs, often that doesn’t actually happen. Sometimes you’re trying to get blown out, and it doesn’t work!


Phil (53), IT consultant from Leicester, UK.

Phil was one of my first ever clients. I was probably as nervous as him, but for different reasons! He had been married for 24 years, divorced now for just over 2 years. He had been emotionally and psychologically abused by his ex-wife for a long time, and the effect on him was evident. He had zero confidence, and was terrified that women were going to be horrible to him.

Diagnosis: Blow Out Game.

So we went to a busy club, got ourselves acclimatised to the environment, and started to prepare. I explained what I wanted him to do, and of course he was resistant at first, but also very willing and brave. It took about 2 hours for him to be in a state where he could finally muster up the courage to do something. I found a pair of stunningly beautiful blonde girls sipping drinks near the bar, and pointed them out. The line I gave him, which has now become famous, was “I’ve got a boob phobia, can you help me cure it?” We agreed it was a stupid, unfunny line that would almost certainly get a response of rudeness or being ignored. Perfect.

Another 10 minutes of mental preparation and he was finally ready. We went over together, and he delivered the line to one of the girls, ready to be destroyed. A few moments of silence, after which she cupped her breasts and said “Mine are really small, I wish they were bigger.” Already, his mind was blown. He could not believe we were still there, and they didn’t instantly hate us! We then stayed with them for another 30 minutes, and took both their numbers. He could not believe what had happened. How the fuck had we done that??!!!!

Simple. At that point, he was so focused on just saying his line, that didn’t care about the result, in fact was expecting a bad one, so came across as fearless and unapologetic. That translates as very attractive.

In conclusion, Blow Out Game is not for everyone, but it’s a brilliant tool to make the


When you start to get really good at this, that’s part of the trick. You can turn every negative into a positive. Something that seems awful at first glance, could end up with you taking her back to your hotel room.


It makes you fearless and allows you to deal with tough situations.



We’ve covered so much already, and I know you have a bunch of exercises to do, but I wanted to quickly give you some extra bonus tips/challenges from my little treasure trove of techniques!

This should really amp up your development in the coming weeks and months. These are simple, but very powerful and I’ve used them many times over the years to push me forward into even the most difficult social situations and come out successful.

1) THE BOXER CORRELATION - The first mindset is a brilliant one for those times when you are too emotionally invested in each interaction to allow yourself to actually improve your skills. Sometimes, it is best to leave emotion to the side momentarily, attack the skill and then bring it back later.

We all know the basic principles of boxing, whether we've taken part or just seen it on TV. Even if you’ve never watched a match, you know the general gist. A pugilistic contest between two people, each of whom use a number techniques to defeat their opponent.

How can we use these techniques to focus our mind in social dynamics?

Consider a championship fight. It is the product of lengthy training and a myriad of perfected techniques. Jabs, crosses, hooks, uppercuts, combinations, footwork, strategy, and fitness. However, back in the gym, if you wanted to work on your hook punches, you wouldn't jump into a full match. No, you'd get a partner and go on the bag. Combinations, same thing. For speed, maybe you'd go on the speed- bag, do some skipping.

You can apply the same principle in-field. If AA is getting in the way of any specific part of your interactions, rather than thinking of each interaction as a whole, you can somewhat "dehumanize" each one and reduce it to a SKILL. You can say something akin to:

"Right, I'm going on the transition-BAG today"


then go into the field and just try out 20 transitions, again with NO

AGENDA FOR NUMBERS, KISSES, ETC. Same applies for opening, looking for hooks, kino, etc. The intention behind this pre-frame mindset is to allow you to focus solely on one particular skill, and so lessen the AA, which beforehand was attached to the person.


2) IMPROV - Nice and simple, this one. Consider taking an improv class . I do a lot of improv, and it gives you the ability to think insanely quickly. It also allows you to get out of your head, be creative and just say whatever’s on your mind without any thought at all, as per the exercise in Chapter 12. There are plenty of places that do drop-in classes, or beginner courses, so Google it and go have some fun!

3) APPROACH AT DIFFERENT TIMES - you may find that a certain time is more comfortable for you to go out and approach. This is ok, but will limit you. You need to experience what it’s like to do this morning, noon and night if you’re going to really conquer your AA and be able to take action WHEN YOU NEED TO.

4) APPROACH IN DIFFERENT PLACES – just as approaching at all different times is important, so is varying the location. If you only like doing it in the park, go to the shopping mall! If you only like quiet bars, go to a loud club! The more you diversify your environment, the stronger you will become and your AA will disappear into the past.

In conclusion, now you have some useful extra tips to make sure your AA stays away for good, you should be taking the field by storm in no time!



At this point, it is my ethical responsibility to define the difference between approach anxiety (AA) as we’ve been discussing it, and the medical term “social anxiety”.

Social Anxiety Social anxiety disorder (social phobia) is a persistent and overwhelming fear of social situations. It's one of the most common anxiety disorders. Social anxiety disorder is much more than "shyness". It can be intense fear and over simple everyday activities, such as shopping or speaking on the phone”. 8

Approach Anxiety - the feelings of being nervous, awkward and distressed before and during the act of approaching and getting to know someone they haven’t previously met, usually who they are attracted to.

From these definitions, it is clear even to those without any prior knowledge of mental health that social anxiety is a much wider and deeper issue, and one that will not be covered in this eBook. Although AA often has its root in social anxiety, it is a very specific social issue, and can therefore be dealt with. So let me clearly state that this eBook is in no way a medical/scientific journal, and I am not qualified to go into the complexities of social anxiety, nor would I even attempt to. If, having read this eBook, you feel that your issues go beyond what has been discussed as AA (ie. are you nervous in all social situations, not JUST talking to beautiful women), please seek further advice from a medical professional.

Phew, serious bit out of the way! Onwards.

In conclusion, social anxiety requires further help from medical professionals, whereas approach anxiety (AA), although similar in some ways, can be readily dealt with by means of understanding and practice.



“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” – Mark Twain

So just before we wrap this up and all head into the field to practice everything we’ve learned, let’s take a moment to summarize all that we have covered together in this eBook. You can print out this chapter and put it up somewhere where you can see it every day, as daily inspiration.

AA is the most common sticking point – we all have it, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

KNOWLEDGE, leading to positive action, is the key to killing AA forever.

You can change the EMOTION connected to AA, but not always the PHYSICAL symptoms.

The physical symptoms are just ADRENALINE releasing.

We NEED adrenaline, it’s natural and we can’t get rid of it.

We must learn to USE ARDRENALINE PROPERLY in order to succeed

When we feel FIGHT OR FLIGHT, there are ways to OVERRIDE THE CHEMICAL.

ALTRUISM is vital to get past AA. GIVE to people, don’t TAKE from them.

NERVES all come from being SELFISH, from thinking of self.

The mission for the direct approach should always be to MAKE SOMEBODY ELSE FEEL GOOD.


Take your EXCUSES and turn them into LIES. When you feel that you are LYING TO YOURSELF, action is not far behind.


For OLDER GUYS, you are expected to be more confident, so go DIRECT.

For NIGHTGAME, know your environment, and build social proof through small piece of action.

If you worry about running out of things to say, stick to the ALTRUISM of your opener, learn the STRUCTURE of game and concentrate on conversational mastery through SELF AWARENESS.

Don’t be in a RUSH TO SUCCEED. Allow yourself to BE PROUD of every action you take, every time you push further. It’s all brilliant.

Sometimes you can take the EMOTION OUT, and just practice the SKILL, just like a boxer would in the gym.

Take an IMPROV class to get out of your head and think quickly

Approach at different PLACES and TIMES so you can always adapt




Thank you again for taking the time to reading this eBook. I hope it helps you in some way moving forward in your social interactions and taking the first step towards a more confident you. The next step is to take what you’ve learned here and put it into practice. Either by going through the exercises suggested here one by one, or by investing in yourself and your future and working with us further. I look forward to hearing from you all about your progress, and working with some of you personally in the future. If you have any questions about any of this, don’t hesitate to get in touch with us.

So now you have the tools you need to begin to get past your Approach Anxiety and take the world by storm! If you follow the advice in this eBook, the world of social interactions can truly be your oyster. Now get out there, and TAKE SOME ACTION!!!

I know for a lot of you, this whole journey of dating, social dynamics, and developing total core confidence is very much unchartered territory. And so I will leave you with one final quote from a man for whom unchartered territory was a lifelong obsession, and went down in history because of it.

“You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore” – Christopher Columbus.

When you decide to set off on that journey, let me know, and we’ll say goodbye to whatever remains of your Approach Anxiety forever.

Until then