It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia - "The Gang Burns Out"

IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
"The Gang Burns Out"
written by
Michael Cleary
525 Union Ave. Apt. 3C

Brooklyn, New York, 11211
(347) 925-0806 11 30, 2018
COLD OPEN
TITLE: 9:20 pm
TITLE: On a Wednesday
TITLE: Philadelphia, PA
OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:
DENNIS (V.O.)
Just checked downstairs, and that’s
all expired too.
MAC (V.O.)
Frank, you need to buy more beer.
FRANK (V.O.)
Not happening. I just bought a
shipment a few months ago.
FADE IN:
INT. PADDY’S PUB - NIGHT
Frank, Mac, and Dennis are gathered around the bar. The pub
is almost empty, save two old, greasy, disheveled bums.
MAC
Yeah, well now it’s expired. We need
more.
FRANK
I’m not buying dick ‘til we sold what
we’ve got.
MAC
Nobody is going to want expired beer!
FRANK (INDICATING THE BUMS)

Those guys are lapping it up.
MAC
Both of them got their tongues cut out
in POW camps.
DENNIS
Mac’s right. We need better product. I
don’t want to keep serving these
mutilated psychos.
CHARLIE EXITS THE BATHROOM WITH HIS HANDS COVERED IN SHIT.

"The Gang Burns Out" 2.
CHARLIE
Dude, those toilets refuse to unclog.
MAC
Charlie, Christ, you gotta use a
plunger, buddy.
CHARLIE
What, this? Nobody cares.
MAC
People care! People care! Why do you
think nobody’s here?!
CHARLIE
Nah, man, people like it. It reminds
them of themselves.
DENNIS
Charlie, you wanna know I slept with
the waitress? By carrying myself with
dignity, and grace, and not sifting
through shit with my bare hands like a
monkey!
CHARLIE
Woah, dude, you can’t say that. It’s
racist.
MAC
What are you talking about?!
A HEATED ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT ABOUT THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF SHIT

AND RACISM. DEE ENTERS WITH A CUP OF COFFEE.
DEE
Guess what, another one of those
coffee shops just opened around the
corner.
DENNIS
There you go. These coffee shops are
stealing our young clientele.
MAC (TO FRANK)

Yeah, probably because their supplier
isn’t actively sabotaging the
business.
FRANK
You momos don’t know the first thing
about running a business.
DENNIS
We did it for years before you came
along.
DEE
It’s true, old man, you’re bringing us
down.
CHARLIE (INDICATING CUP)

You’re one to talk. You’re supporting
the enemy.
DEE
Of course I am. These coffee shops are
packed with beautiful male actors and
producers.
MAC
Hey, there’s an idea. If we started
selling coffee, we could get some
ripped Clark Kent-like dudes in here
and satisfy Dennis’ creepy young girl
fetish.
DENNIS
Oh, man, imagine it. A bunch of
confused college girls, new to the
city, missing their families, looking
for a new father figure. I’m in.
FRANK
No. Come on, this is our spot! Where
the gang chillaxes.
DEE
Run back to your sewer, deadbeat. If
we got some producers in here, I bet
they’d recruit me for my jokes.
FRANK
Fine. Let’s do it.
FRANK PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND WALKS AWAY AS HE DIALS A

NUMBER.
DENNIS
Really?
FRANK
You think you guys are hot shit? By
tomorrow morning, I’ll make this the
most successful coffee shop in all of
Philadelphia.
DEE
Yeah, right. How are you gonna do that
overnight?
FRANK (INTO PHONE)

Talonheart? It’s Warthog. I’ve got a
proposition for you.
MAIN TITLES:
TITLE: “THE GANG BURNS OUT”
TITLE: IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
THE PUB HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A COFFEE SHOP. IN ADDITION TO

THE BAR’S ORIGINAL SEATING, THERE ARE SEVERAL NEW TABLES,
BENCHES, CUSHIONED CHAIRS, ETC. WHERE THE LIQUOR USED TO BE
DISPLAYED, THERE’S NOW A MENU WRITTEN IN CHALK. AN ESPRESSO
MACHINE SITS AT THE END OF THE BAR.
THE PLACE IS PACKED WITH COLLEGE STUDENTS. THOSE WHO DO HAVE

THEIR COFFEE ENJOY THEMSELVES, WITH EVERYONE ELSE WAITING
IMPATIENTLY ON LINE. MANY ARE SLUMPED ON THEIR TABLES. DENNIS
FUMBLES WITH THE ESPRESSO MACHINE WHILE DEE SERVES AS THE
CASHIER. THE ESPRESSO LETS OUT A BURST OF STEAM.
DENNIS
God dammit, this thing burned me
again!
DEE TALKS TO THE OVERWEIGHT CUSTOMER AT THE HEAD OF THE LINE.
DEE
So the husband walks in and says, “Get
off my wife, fatass!” So the fat guy
rolls over twice, but he’s still on
top of her!
THE CUSTOMER STARES AT HER BLANKLY
DEE (CONT’D)
Christ, lighten up. Ha! Get it? Bonus
joke.
THE CUSTOMER IS STILL NOT AMUSED.
DEE (CONT’D)
Obviously you aren’t my intended
audience.
MAC EXITS THE BASEMENT CARRYING A TUB OF DIRTY DISHES. HE

APPROACHES DENNIS.
MAC
This blows. Why am I on dishes? There
are no beefcakes in the basement.
DENNIS
At least you can do your job. I’m
stuck here on this impossible space-
age technology. Can I just get a
coffee? I just want a coffee!
THE MACHINE BURNS DENNIS.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Dammit! How am I suppose to father
these women when I’m trapped like a
rat behind this counter?
MAC SURVEYS THE CLIENTELE. HE SEES ONLY HIPSTER YOUNG WOMEN,

SKINNY MEN, AND THE FAT CUSTOMER.
MAC (INDICATING FAT CUST.)

Wait, where are my Clark Kents? He is
not my Superman.
DEE
Tell me about it. This chubby-cheeked
bastard wouldn’t know a good joke if I
shat one in his mouth.
CHARLIE APPROACHES THE GANG.
CHARLIE
Hey, what’s the hold up. We got
customers, baby, customers!
DENINS
This damn machine is broken. When I
ask for coffee, all it does is attack.
CHARLIE
Jesus, Dennis, that’s the business.
You want, coffee, you gotta get
burned.
CHARLIE USES THE ESPRESSO MACHINE, LETTING OUT STEAM DIRECTLY

ONTO HIS ARM. HE SCREAMS IN PAIN AS THE CUP FILLS WITH
ESPRESSO.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Alright, now quit your yap yap yap yap
yap yappin’, you’re embarrassing
yourself. And Dee, try looking pretty
for the customers, okay? I’m gonna
check the toilets.
CHARLIE PASSES THE COFFEE TO DEE AND WALKS AWAY. DENNIS

STANDS SHOCKED AT THE WAY HE WAS JUST TREATED. THE FAT
CUSTOMER SNICKERS AT CHARLIE’S COMMENT.
DEE
Would you like several donuts with
your coffee?
SHE MIMICS HIM EATING SEVERAL DONUTS.
DEE (CONT’D)
Bub bub bub. Bub bub bub bub. Bub bu-
THE CUSTOMER THROWS THE COFFEE IN HER FACE AND LEAVES. A GOOD
AMOUNT GETS IN HER MOUTH, WHICH SHE SWALLOWS. HER FACE IS RED
AND BLISTERED.
DEE (CONT’D)
Oh, dammit! That burns! That really
burns! You fat bastard! These are not
the customers I wanted!
MAC
Of course not. Look what we’re
selling. Coffee and donuts? Where’s
the protein?
DEE
Guys, I’m horribly burned. Can someone
get me ice or something?
DENNIS
Christ, Dee, what do I look like? An
EMT? I can’t help you with that.
CHARLIE EXITS THE BATHROOM.
CHARLIE
This generation with their organic
nonsense. Nobody’s shitting, dude.
HE NOTICES DEE.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Is that what you think pretty is, Dee?
If you don’t take this seriously, I’m
gonna have to fire you.
MAC
You can’t fire anybody, dude.
CHARLIE
Oh, yes I can. Frank put me in charge.
ALL
What?
FRANK ENTERS WITH A CREW OF NATIVE AMERICAN DRESSED IN FULL

NATIVE AMERICAN GARB.
FRANK
Aloha, Bitches.
MAC
What’re these Christian hating Indians
doing here?
FRANK
This is Talonheart and his tribe. They
sold me the coffee.
DENNIS
Whatever. Listen, Frank, we gotta do
something about that espresso machine.
Every--
FRANK
Nope. I’m done.
MAC
What do you mean?
FRANK
You said I was brining you down? In
one night, I made us more successful
than ever. I’m not helping anymore.
DEE
This is not success. This coffee is
boiling and wildly bitter. Here.
SHE PASSES A CUP TO MAC. HE SIPS IT.
MAC
Wow. Yeah, that’s dogshit.
FRANK
I gave you exactly what you wanted. In
return, me and the new gang are gonna
do peyote in the back office. Charlie,
you’re the boss. Also Deandra, you’re
looking uglier.
FRANK WALKS TO THE BACK OFFICE WITH THE NATIVE AMERICANS.
CHARLIE
You heard the, man. Back to work.
DENNIS
Yeah, no, that’s not gonna happen. I
didn’t think it would come to this,
but to rule these minions, it looks
like I’ll have to pop it off..
DENNIS POPS OFF HIS SHIRT, DEMONSTRATING HIS ADEQUATELY TONED

BODY TO THE COFFEE SHOP. HE HAS SEVERE, GROSS BURNS AND WELTS
ON HIS ARMS. MOST PEOPLE WITH COFFEE DON’T NOTICE. THE ONES
WHO DO ARE DISGUSTED.
MAC
Jesus, dude, what’s wrong with your
arms?!
DENNIS
Oh, goddamn it! That goddamn espresso
machine! I’m... a monster!
THE CONSCIOUS CLIENTELE BEGIN FILING OUT. DENNIS INDICATES

HIS FACE AND PECS.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
No, come back! Don’t focus on these.
Look here. At this. And at these.
CHARLIE
Alright, that’s enough out of you.
DENNIS
Get your shit-covered mitts off of me.
CHARLIE
No, man, you’re gross, you’re creepy,
you’re disfigured -- you’re freaking
everybody out.
DENNIS
I’m not--
CHARLIE
Come on, you’ll love the basement.
CHARLIE LEADS DENNIS DOWNSTAIRS. MAC AND DEE ARE LEFT. AS

THEY TALK, THEY BOTH ABSENTMINDEDLY SIP COFFEE.
MAC
Alright, clearly this coffee thing is
a failure.
DEE
Clearly.
MAC
But I have an idea.
DEE
Lay it on me.
MAC
We’ll never get our ripped actors with
this shitty coffee.
DEE
No we won’t.
MAC
Unless we make it the ultimate power
fuel.
DEE
You’re losing me.
MAC
Dee, no beefcake wants this hot
coffee. It burns away muscle gains.
DEE
That’s not how it works. That’s for
sure not how it works.
MAC
Okay well if you’d let me finish--
you’re steamrolling me.
DEE
Fine, you’re right, keep going.
MAC
We need an all male menu. It’s time to
bring back fight milk.
DEE
I... don’t know about that.
MAC
Sure, it was intended for body guards,
but if we tweak the formula, make it
more cultured, add some humus maybe,
these artsy juggernauts would love it.
DEE
It sounds like a bad idea. It does not
sound good.
MAC
What are you not getting about this?
DEE
I tell ya, it sounds bad, but you know
what... let’s go for it.
MAC
For real?
DEE
I don’t know what it is, but I feel
great. I feel hopeful. We can do this.
MAC
You feel it too?
DEE
I feel it all over. I’m shining.
MAC
I feel the same! Listen, this coffee
it’s bad--
DEE
The worst.
MAC
But dammit if it isn’t rejuvenating.
DEE
Yeah, looks like the customers are
feeling it too.
THEY LOOK AROUND THE SHOP. THE PLACE IS PACKED WITH COMATOSE
PEOPLE SLUMPED ON TABLES.
MAC
Yeah, what’s up with that?
DEE
I didn’t wanna bring it up. Felt like
a bummer.
MAC
They’re relaxed. They’re rejuvenated,
and if we put fight milk in the mix,
they’ll be Supermen.
DEE
Yeah, yeah. I don’t understand it, but
I get it. I’m going down.
DEE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

MAC
Come on, Dee. I feel it too, but we
gotta ask Frank for money to buy
ingredients.
MAC DRAGS DEE TO THE BACK OFFICE. HE STRUGGLES BUT MANAGES.
MAC (CONT’D)
Gah, Dee, you bitch, your mammoth feet
alone add like 100 pounds.
INT. BACK OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS
MAC DRAGS DEE INTO THE BACK OFFICE.
MAC
Frank-- woah.
THE OFFICE DESK HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A POKER TABLE. FRANK
AND SOME OF THE NATIVE AMERICANS SIT AROUND THE TABLE. THE
OTHERS LAY INSIDE A NEARBY TEEPEE WITH A CAMPFIRE. FRANK HAS
AN INTRICATE FACE TATTOO AND IS BUG-EYED, CLEARLY FEELING THE
PEYOTE HARD.
FRANK
What?
MAC
How much peyote did you guys do?
FRANK
Ha! You’re right brothers. The white
man only accuses, never doing anything
on his own.
MAC
Whatever. Frank, we need money.
FRANK
I’m no longer with your tribe. If you
want my money, earn it from me. See if
the Great Eagle of Luck is on your
side.
DEE
Do it Mac. I know you can do it.
MAC
Yes. I will. For my homeland.
DEE
What?
MAC
Nothing, I was just trying something
out.
FRANK
The game is blackjack.
MAC
Very well. My lord and savior is gonna
shit all over whatever bird thing you
worship.
DEE
First, could you get more coffee.
MAC
That’s a good call. I’ll be right
back.
INT. BASEMENT -- DAY
DENNIS IS PACING AROUND THE BASEMENT. HE JUMPS AND YELPS IN

PAIN.
DENNIS
Ah, dammit! Oh goddammit!
CHARLIE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS CARRYING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE.
CHARLIE
There we go, buddy. You’ll be much
happier working down here with no
little girls distracting you.
DENNIS
This is ridiculous, Charlie, I can’t
work down here. These rats won’t stop
biting my ankles.
CHARLIE
Well, do you have cheese in your
pocket?
DENNIS
No, I don’t have cheese in my pocket.
CHARLIE
Then don’t worry about it. They’ll get
bored of you. They’re just excited is
all.
DENNIS
I’m not going to work in a basement
swarmed by rats.
(MORE)
DENNIS (CONT'D)
The whole point of this shop was for
me to cultivate a family of women to
sleep with.
CHARLIE
That’s not how it works. Look at you.
You’re disgusting. Nobody up there
would want you.
DENNIS
Do... do you really think so?
CHALRLIE
Trust me, you’re hideous. Stay down
here ‘til you heal up. Make some
coffee. I’m here for you.
DENNIS
Thank you. Okay, I will.
CHARLIE
That’s my boy.
CHARLIE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Make me proud.
CHARLIE EXITS THE BASEMENT. RATS BITE DENNIS’ ANKLES.
DENNIS
Dammit! Gaaa-- ...
HE COMPOSES HIMSELF. HE TRIES USING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE. IT

BURNS HIM.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
AAAHH I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I
will kill you!
RATS BITE HIS ANKLES.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Ah! Jesus, why?
INT. BACK OFFICE -- DAY
MAC SITS AT THE POKER TABLE. DEE IS COMATOSE BESIDE HIM. HE

JUST FINISHED ANOTHER ROUND OF BLACKJACK.
MAC
Hit me. Hit me. BOOM! Won again! Let’s
do another.
HE WAKES UP DEE WITH HIS EXCLAMATION.
DEE
Wha- what happened? Did you win?
MAC
I’ve won every single round! We’ll
have enough money to make our own damn
shop!
DEE
Yes! Yes, Mac, I knew it! I knew you
could do it!
FRANK
What are you talking? You’ve lost
every round.
MAC & DEE

What?
FRANK
You’ve busted every time.
MAC
What? No, that’s bullshit! I have 48.
My number is way bigger than yours!
FRANK
You can’t go over 21, prick.
MAC
That’s backwards! Why wouldn’t I want
the highest number possible?!
DEE
Oh, Mac, you bastard. You stupid,
stupid bastard. How deep in the hole
are you?
FRANK
70 grand.
DEE
What?!
MAC
That’s ridiculous, Frank. I’m not
paying you $70,000.
FRANK
Excuse me?
MAC
Yeah, obviously not.
FRANK
Are you trying to fuck me?
MAC
What?
FRANK
You trying to fuck Frankie?
MAC
Bro, I’m not paying you $70,000.
FRANK
You guys think cuz I’m not in your
crew anymore, you’re free to fuck me?
DEE
Nobody’s...
FRANK
You think I’m some joke?
MAC
What’s going on with you?
FRANK
Here’s a joke.
FRANK PULLS OUT HIS PISTOL AND SHOOTS A NEARBY NATIVE

AMERICAN IN THE KNEE. HE SCREAMS IN AGONY. THE OTHER NATIVE
AMERICANS QUIETLY ACCEPT IT.
MAC DEE
JESUS CHRIST! OH MY GOD FRANK
FRANK
I’m not your little bang boy,
comprende?!
MAC DEE
Yes, understood! Comprende! Comprende!
FRANK
You get me my money by tonight, or
I’ll paint the wall with your brains!
MAC
Frank, we can work this out.
DEE
Just to clarify, you mean Mac right?
Because I didn’t--
FRANK SHOOTS THE NATIVE AMERICAN’S OTHER KNEECAP.
MAC DEE (CONT'D)

Alright! We’ll get the money! Oh my God I don’t wanna die.
We’ll get the money! Please don’t let me die!
FRANK
Get me my money!
DEE
We’re gone! We’re gone!
INT. COFFEE SHOP -- CONTINUOUS
MAC AND DEE EXIT THE OFFICE IN A PANIC. CHARLIE CONFRONTS

THEM.
CHARLIE
Where the hell were you guys? Nobody’s
running the shop!
MAC
Charlie, we need you’re help--
DEE
Frank, he-- Frank.
MAC
We need money. How much has the shop
made? We need it. All of it.
CHARLIE
It’s made tons, but I’m not giving you
shit.
DEE
Oh, Charlie, Charlie please.
MAC
You don’t get it. Frank shot the
Indian and now we owe him $70,000. We
need it or he’ll kill us dude.
CHARLIE
Well, if you did your jobs instead of
playing with Frank, you wouldn’t need
money. I keep telling him not to do
that bridge peyote. He’ll shoot
anything.
DEE
Bridge peyote?
CHARLIE
Yeah, he bought the peyote under the
bridge with the coffee and a bunch of
other drugs. It always makes him
wacky.
MAC
Whatever. Dude can you help us?
CHARLIE
Of course. I know how to calm him
down.
DEE MAC
Charlie! You beautiful ghoul. We’re saved! Thank you dude,
We owe you our lives! what do we do?
CHARLIE
Oh, I’m not gonna actually help you.
MAC & DEE

What?
CHARLIE
You goofers abandoned my shop when it
needed you most. You’re fired!
DEE
Fine, just convince Frank not to kill
us!
CHARLIE
Up til now I was just your lil’ shit
boy. Nobody offered me help. You want
help, you gotta earn it! I learned
that the hard way.
MAC
Charlie, I will eat you, and your
heart, and everything you are.
CHARLIE
Pathetic. The second I earn power, you
beg for a helping hand. Help ya damn
selves! I wash my hands of you.
CHARLIE WALKS AWAY.
MAC
You’re just washing us off?!
CHARLIE
I’m washin’ ya off!
CHARLIE ENTERS THE BASEMENT.
DEE
Oh what do we do? What do we do?
MAC
Let’s get more coffee.
DEE
You’re right.
THEY START FOR THE BASEMENT.
DEE (CONT’D)
Wait! That’s it! I know how to get the
money.
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
CHARLIE TALKS AS HE TROTS DOWN THE STAIRS.
CHARLIE
Dennis, why are you not on the
machine?! We got-- woah
AS HE LANDS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, HE RECOGNIZES

DENNIS, NOW WITH EVEN MORE BURNS AND SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD,
STARING VACANTLY. HE’S LIMPLY HOLDING AN EMPTY COFFEE CUP.
THERE ARE SEVERAL HEADLESS RAT CORPSES SCATTERED ACROSS THE
FLOOR.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Good job with these rats, buddy. We
can put you to use after all.
DENNIS
No. I’m not here.
CHARLIE
Yes you are.
DENNIS
No. This wasn’t how it was meant to be
Charlie. It wasn’t meant, and so it
isn’t.
CHARLIE
Yes it is. Have you been sniffing the
paint down here, cause trust me, this
stuff is a cut above what you’re used
to.
DENNIS
I don’t sniff paint. And I don’t kill
rats. Or reside in a basement. I am
Dennis, the father. The ruler.
CHARLIE
No, you’re not. Hey!
CHARLIE SLAPS HIM AND GRABS HIM BY THE CHEEKS.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You’re Dennis, the grunt. You’re in
this basement because the world
doesn’t want you. It wants people like
me. Charlie, Earl of... Power.
DENNIS CATCHES HIS BREATH, IN AWE OF THE POWER AND CONFIDENCE

EMANATING FROM CHARLIE.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
I was gonna fire your ass. Good thing
you can kill rats. You have potential.
DENNIS
Really?
CHARLIE
Yes. All you have to do is submit
yourself to me. Do you agree?
DENNIS (GRUDGINGLY)
Yes.
CHARLIE
Good. I can use a grunt who knows his
place. First thing’s first, we’re
almost out of stock. Go the bridge and
get more of the mini coffee beans.
DENNIS
The what?
CHARLIE
Ah ha! It seems this grunt is also a
jester! Fetch the beans before I lose
my patience.
CHARLIE EXITS THE BASEMENT. DENNIS STANDS CONFUSED. HE

REACHES FOR A NEARBY CUP OF COFFEE.
RED DENNIS (O.S.)

Put that down.
DENNIS TURNS TO FIND ANOTHER VERSION OF HIMSELF ADORNED IN A

RED TUNIC. HE IS WEARING A GOLDEN CIRCLET AND CARRIES HIMSELF
WITH GREAT DIGNITY.
DENNIS
Who are you?
RED DENNIS
I’m you. Or rather, what you were.
DENNIS
I’m still like you.
RED DENNIS
Bah! Bah ha ha! The groveling roach!
Thinks he’s still in charge!
DENNIS
I am no roach!
RED DENNIS
You’re right. A roach doesn’t live in
basements, covered in grime and rat
blood. You’re worse than a roach;
you’re Charlie.
DENNIS
That bastard. He stole the control
over my domain. That goddamned
bastard.
RED DENNIS
Never to fear, child. Even gods are
prone to mistakes. But there is a way
out.
DENNIS
Tell me. Tell me now!
RED DENNIS
When the first God created man, he
also created fire, to erase blemishes
such as yourself.
DENNIS
I don’t understand.
RED DENNIS
This will burn, but then, you’re no
stranger to burns, are you?
RED DENNIS SNAPS. DENNIS INSTANTLY CATCHES ON FIRE. AFTER A

FEW SECONDS, THE FLAMES EXTINGUISH, ERASING THE BLOOD, BURNS,
AND GRIME FROM DENNIS.
DENNIS
It’s me. I’m myself again.
RED DENNIS
Are you?! Charlie still rules the
coffee shop meant for you.
DENNIS
He’s taken my home from me.
RED DENNIS
They’re all laughing at you.
DENNIS
It was a mistake.
RED DENNIS
And so you must fix it.
DENNIS
I must burn.
RED DENNIS
Burn.
DENNIS
Burn them all.
RED DENNIS
You want your home back?
DENNIS
Burn.
RED DENNIS
You must destroy Charlie.
DENNIS
Burn!
RED DENNIS
By destroying his home.
DENNIS
BUUUUU--
INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS
DENNIS WAKES UP ON THE FLOOR MID-SCREAM, SURROUNDED BY

SEVERAL EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE. HE’S STILL COVERED WITH BURNS
AND BLOOD.
DENNIS
UUUUUURN!!!
HE SPOTS A NEARBY CANISTER OF GASOLINE, GRABS IT, AND EXITS.
ACT TWO
EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - DAY
THE SCENE OPENS ON A LARGE PLOT OF UNDEVELOPED CROPS, WITH

MOST PLANTS JUST SPROUTING. THERE IS NOBODY IN THE VICINITY.
THE TRANQUILITY OF THE SCENE IS DESTROYED AS DENNIS’ RANGE
ROVER BURSTS ONTO THE SCENE, RUNNING OVER SEVERAL PLOTS AND
ALMOST CRASHING INTO A BRIDGE SUPPORT BEAM.
DENNIS EXITS THE CAR IN BLIND FURY. HE FLAILS THE GASOLINE

CANISTER IN EVERY DIRECTION, COVERING ANYTHING AND
EVERYTHING.
DENNIS
Steal the home and children of the
golden god? Make him a bean slave?!
Bean slave?! I’m a bean slave?! You
goddamned whelp!
A NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN BURSTS ONTO THE SCENE.
NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN

Wait, please, no! What are you doing
to my crops?
SHE GRABS HIM BY THE ARM. DENNIS WHIPS AROUND AND GRABS HER
BY THROAT.
DENNIS
Do I look like a bean slave to you!?

I- you- what?
DENNIS (FURY UNTETHERED)

ANSWER ME!
MAC (O.S.)
Dennis?
DENNIS TURNS TO FIND MAC AND DEE. HE HAS NOT YET RELEASED THE
WOMAN. THEY ARE MELLOW, CALMLY SIPPING COFFEE.
DEE
Hey, firecracker. What’s got you all
riled up?
DENNIS
Charlie stole my realm from me and
thinks there’s no punishment?
(MORE)
DENNIS (CONT'D)
My fury is an unrelenting meteor, a
blitzkrieg of raining fire- I shall
not be mocked!
MAC AND DEE LIGHT UP.
MAC
You’re trying to take down Charlie?
You know what, that’s probably easier.
Maybe if we knock him down a few pegs,
he’ll help us calm Frank down.
DEE
Yeah, then we can just keep the coffee
for ourselves.
DENNIS
Yes, and we can enslave Charlie as
well.
MAC
Well, I mean we can hammer out the
details after--

Please, wait. I don’t understand. Who
are you people? Did the bald troll man
send you?
MAC
You know Frank!
DEE
Funny you mention that.
MAC
Yeah, long story short, Frank’s gonna
kill us if we don’t get $70,000 by
tonight.
DEE
We were hoping you could send some of
that coffee our way for us to start
our own business.
MAC
Fight Coffee!
DEE
Well, still working on the title.
MAC
You must have crow eggs, right?

Please, take no more. He took
everything: our marijuana, our
mushrooms, our opium.
UPON HEARING OPIUM, DENNIS BEGINS TO PIECE IT TOGETHER AS THE

OTHER TALK.
DEE
Heyo, this is a full blown drug farm!
MAC
We’ll take everything you can give us.
DENNIS
Shut up! I have an idea.
MAC
Woah, somebody’s a grumpy grump
grumpster.
DEE
Come on, let’s mellow out and figure
out how to take down Charlie.
DENNIS
You idiots. I already know how.

Please let go of me.
INT. BACK OFFICE - NIGHT
TWO TWEAKED OUT COLLEGE STUDENTS ENTER THE OFFICE WITH A

PANICKING WOMAN WITH A BURLAP SACK OVER HER HEAD. THEY SIT
HER DOWN IN FRONT OF THE DESK.
WOMAN
Oh God, please don’t kill me. You can
do whatever you want to my body.
Anything, just let me live.
THE MEN REMOVE THE BURLAP SACK, REVEALING IT’S THE WAITRESS.
CHARLIE SPEAKS IN POOR, DEEP-VOICED COCKNEY ACCENT.
CHARLIE (O.S.)
Thank you, gentlemen. Help yourself to
some coffee.
THE MEN NOD AND LEAVE.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
So, it’s my understanding you’re in
need of a job.
CHARLIE TURNS AROUND IN THE SWIVEL CHAIR, REVEALING HIMSELF

TO THE WAITRESS. HE’S WEARING A SUIT, SUNGLASSES, AND A TIE
THAT’S NOTHING MORE THAN SEVERAL EXTREMELY TIGHT KNOTS. HE’S
PAINTED A BEARD ON HIMSELF AND THE REST OF HIS ACTUAL HAIR
BLACK. THERE’S A PAINT MARK UNDER HIS NOSE, AS HE’S BEEN
SNIFFING PAINT. FRANK, BUG-EYED, IS LAYING HIS HEAD ON
CHARLIE’S LAP, WHICH CHARLIE PETS AS HE WOULD A CAT.
WAITRESS
Jesus Christ, Charlie.
CHARLIE
I know not this man, only my thriving
business. Frank, contract.
FRANK OPENS HIS MOUTH. CHARLIE REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT A

FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER. HE UNFOLDS IT AND SLIDES IT TO THE
WAITRESS. IT READS “B MYN 4EVER” IN CRAYON. CHARLIE STANDS
AND PACES AROUND THE WAITRESS.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
Any objections?
WAITRESS
You had me kidnapped? I thought I was
gonna be a sex slave.
CHARLIE
I don’t know this Charlie you keep
mentioning. I’m Slick Goldlick, owner
of Philideplhia’s finest coffee shop.
Behold!
CHARLIE OPENS THE OFFICE DOOR. IT’S A SORE SIGHT. COMATOSE

BODIES, INCLUDING THE NATIVE AMERICANS, ARE STREWN ALL OVER
THE SHOP: ON TABLES, COUNTERS, THE FLOOR, ETC. THOSE WHO ARE
STILL AWAKE ARE BRAWLING TO GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE,
WHERE TALONHEART SERVES COFFEE.
CHARLIE (CONT’D)
You can have all this and more on one
condition. Never say no to me.
WAITRESS
Have you been sniffing paint again?
CHARLIE
Paint?
THEY EXCHANGE SEVERAL INCREDULOUS GLANCES.
WAITRESS
I’m out of here.
THE WAITRESS LEAVES THE OFFICE AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
CHARLIE FOLLOWS.
INT. COFFEE SHOP - CONTINUOUS
CHARLIE (NO ACCENT)

Wait, hold up, don’t you want this?
Look how pathetic they all are. Look
at my power!
DENNIS (O.S.)
Not so fast, worm.
CHARLIE SWINGS AROUND. THE REST OF THE GANG HAS ENTERED THE
SHOP.
CHARLIE
Did you just call me a worm?
MAC
He’s been calling us that the whole
way over.
DENNIS
You think these people are here
because of you? You couldn’t be more
wrong, idiot. You idiot! You life
stealing freakish idiot!
CHARLIE (TO MAC AND DEE)

Jesus, it’s like right off the bat
MAC DEE
I know, it’s ridiculous. I mean the man’s impossible.
He’ll just go right at you. So entitled all the time.
DENNIS
Shut up, all of you. You’re jealous.
Jealous because I was the only one--
THE WAITRESS STARTS FOR THE DOOR. DENNIS STOPS HER.
DENNIS (CONT’D)
Stay, whore. I’m trying to humiliate
Charlie.
AS DENNIS AND THE WAITRESS TALK, DENNIS TALKS PROGRESSIVELY

LOUDER. THE WAITRESS FOLLOWS SUIT UNTIL DENNIS EVENTUALLY
STARTS SCREAMING.
DENNIS (CONT’D) WAITRESS

Never in my life have I face You have no right calling me
the disrespect that you all a whore, Dennis Reynolds.
showed me on this day. I’ve just been kidnapped by
Throughout my existence- two drugged out goons, and I
There’s opium in the coffee! won’t allow--
There’s opium- Charlie put
opium in the coffee!
CHARLIE
What?
DENNIS
Those “mini beans” you put in with the
regular coffee? It’s opium. Yeah. And
none of you figured it out. But I did.
I did. Before any of you even could!
MAC
Is that why the coffee is so calming?
DEE
Oh shit, I’m addicted to opium now
too? That blows.
WAITRESS
Alright, it’s not safe for a
recovering addict to be around opium.
I’m out of here. Don’t kidnap me
anymore
THE WAITRESS LEAVES.
FRANK (O.S.)
What the hell?!
FRANK ENTERS THE SHOP FROM THE BACK OFFICE. MAC AND DEE HIDE
BEHIND CHARLIE.
MAC DEE
Oh shit! Christ no!
FRANK
Why’d you put my opium in the coffee,
Charlie?!
CHARLIE
I didn’t! I just used the coffee beans
and the tiny flavor beans.
DENNIS
Jesus Christ.
MAC
Frank, kill Dee, she wanted to steal
your drugs from the bridge.
DEE
You lying rat!
FRANK
Charlie, I was gonna use that opium to
knock out the alley cats for that cat
parade we always wanted!
CHARLIE
Oh, I’m sorry, man. Guess I screwed
the pooch on that one.
DENNIS
Hold it, just what the hell is going
on here? Frank, weren’t you supposed
to be on some sort of vision quest?
FRANK
Nah, I made it up.
ALL BUT CHARLIE

What?!
CHARLIE
C’mon, Frank. Why’d you tell ‘em?
FRANK
It’s not fun anymore if we can’t
celebrate with the cat parade at the
end!
DEE
Wait, so are you gonna kill us?
FRANK
Nah, I staged it. All of it.
MAC
What?!
FRANK
Yeah, I paid off the customers to come
here and gave Charlie a chance to
lead. I gotcha! I gotcha good!
DENNIS
Why would you do this?!
FRANK
You guys said you didn’t need me. I
wanted to show you things aren’t so
easy without Frankie to bail you out.
DEE
You caused all of our problems!
MAC
Why would you not just buy us new
beer?!
FRANK
And what? Piss away my dignity?
Besides, I didn’t buy the drugs.
Talonheart gambled away his
reservation to me, but I took his
crops instead.
THE GANG TURNS TO TALONHEART. HE STARES RIGHT BACK. A SINGLE

TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CHEEK.
MAC
Where the hell is there an Indian
reservation in Philadelphia?
CHARLIE
Under the bridge.
MAC, DEE AND DENNIS GROANS.
MAC
That’s a bummer
DENNIS
Yeah, puts your own problems in
perspective.
DEE
How did you fake shooting that guys
knees?
FRANK AND CHARLIE CHUCKLE.
FRANK
Yeah, yeah, about that. You had my
back up against a wall. I had to think
on my feet. He owed me a crap ton of
money anyway, so we’re good now.
DEE
Oof.
DENNIS
Man We really treat those guys like
dogshit, huh? Hahaha!
CHARLIE
You’re right. I mean who knows if
Columbus would’ve even found America
without the Indians’ help.
DENNIS
That’s not what I meant, no. And shut
up. From now on, whenever you wanna
speak, beg me first.
CHARLIE (TO THE GANG)

What’s his deal?
MAC DEE
Seriously, dude, it can’t What’re getting so worked up
always be an 11/10 with you. about? You’ll be fine
Listen, it’s fine you’ll get tomorrow, just sleep on it.
over it.
CHARLIE
You’re no better than Columbus beating
up the Indians.
FRANK
Them Reds deserve a break.
MAC
Hey, why don’t we give him the rest of
the beer? In the spirit of Columbus!
EVERYONE BUT DENNIS HEARTILY AGREES.
DEE
Don’t worry Talonheart, it’ll all be
worth it, pal!
THEY GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT. ONLY DENNIS AND TALONHEART

REMAIN.
DENNIS
This is awkward. I burned down your
home.

It&#39;s Always Sunny in Philidelphia - &quot;The Gang Burns Out&quot;

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It&#39;s Always Sunny in Philidelphia - &quot;The Gang Burns Out&quot;

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IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

"The Gang Burns Out"

525 Union Ave. Apt. 3C

OVER TITLES, WE HEAR:

INT. PADDY’S PUB - NIGHT

FRANK (INDICATING THE BUMS)

CHARLIE EXITS THE BATHROOM WITH HIS HANDS COVERED IN SHIT.

A HEATED ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT ABOUT THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF SHIT

MAC (TO FRANK)

CHARLIE (INDICATING CUP)

FRANK PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND WALKS AWAY AS HE DIALS A

FRANK (INTO PHONE)

TITLE: “THE GANG BURNS OUT”

TITLE: IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

THE PUB HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A COFFEE SHOP. IN ADDITION TO

THE PLACE IS PACKED WITH COLLEGE STUDENTS. THOSE WHO DO HAVE

DEE TALKS TO THE OVERWEIGHT CUSTOMER AT THE HEAD OF THE LINE.

THE CUSTOMER STARES AT HER BLANKLY

THE CUSTOMER IS STILL NOT AMUSED.

MAC EXITS THE BASEMENT CARRYING A TUB OF DIRTY DISHES. HE

THE MACHINE BURNS DENNIS.

MAC SURVEYS THE CLIENTELE. HE SEES ONLY HIPSTER YOUNG WOMEN,

MAC (INDICATING FAT CUST.)

CHARLIE APPROACHES THE GANG.

CHARLIE USES THE ESPRESSO MACHINE, LETTING OUT STEAM DIRECTLY

CHARLIE PASSES THE COFFEE TO DEE AND WALKS AWAY. DENNIS

SHE MIMICS HIM EATING SEVERAL DONUTS.

Bub bub bub. Bub bub bub bub. Bub bu-

CHARLIE EXITS THE BATHROOM.

FRANK ENTERS WITH A CREW OF NATIVE AMERICAN DRESSED IN FULL

SHE PASSES A CUP TO MAC. HE SIPS IT.

FRANK WALKS TO THE BACK OFFICE WITH THE NATIVE AMERICANS.

DENNIS POPS OFF HIS SHIRT, DEMONSTRATING HIS ADEQUATELY TONED

THE CONSCIOUS CLIENTELE BEGIN FILING OUT. DENNIS INDICATES

CHARLIE LEADS DENNIS DOWNSTAIRS. MAC AND DEE ARE LEFT. AS

DEE FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

MAC DRAGS DEE TO THE BACK OFFICE. HE STRUGGLES BUT MANAGES.

INT. BACK OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

MAC DRAGS DEE INTO THE BACK OFFICE.

INT. BASEMENT -- DAY

DENNIS IS PACING AROUND THE BASEMENT. HE JUMPS AND YELPS IN

CHARLIE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS CARRYING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE.

CHARLIE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.

CHARLIE EXITS THE BASEMENT. RATS BITE DENNIS’ ANKLES.

Dammit! Gaaa-- ...

HE COMPOSES HIMSELF. HE TRIES USING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE. IT

RATS BITE HIS ANKLES.

INT. BACK OFFICE -- DAY

MAC SITS AT THE POKER TABLE. DEE IS COMATOSE BESIDE HIM. HE

HE WAKES UP DEE WITH HIS EXCLAMATION.

MAC & DEE

FRANK PULLS OUT HIS PISTOL AND SHOOTS A NEARBY NATIVE

FRANK SHOOTS THE NATIVE AMERICAN’S OTHER KNEECAP.

MAC DEE (CONT'D)

INT. COFFEE SHOP -- CONTINUOUS

MAC AND DEE EXIT THE OFFICE IN A PANIC. CHARLIE CONFRONTS

MAC & DEE

CHARLIE WALKS AWAY.

CHARLIE ENTERS THE BASEMENT.

THEY START FOR THE BASEMENT.

INT. BASEMENT - DAY

CHARLIE TALKS AS HE TROTS DOWN THE STAIRS.

AS HE LANDS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, HE RECOGNIZES

CHARLIE SLAPS HIM AND GRABS HIM BY THE CHEEKS.

DENNIS CATCHES HIS BREATH, IN AWE OF THE POWER AND CONFIDENCE

CHARLIE EXITS THE BASEMENT. DENNIS STANDS CONFUSED. HE

RED DENNIS (O.S.)

It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia - "The Gang Burns Out"

It's Always Sunny in Philidelphia - "The Gang Burns Out"