THE OFFICE - "JIM'S INTERVIEW"

AN ORIGINAL SPEC SCRIPT

By: Jack Ritchey

3/1/2019 jritche1@gmail.com
 COLD OPEN
_________

INT. PAM'S DESK - MORNING

PAM at her desk, MICHAEL walking into the office.

PAM
Morning Michael.

MICHAEL
(as Hagrid)
Ahh, you're a wizard, Beasly! Beasly!
You're a wizard!
(she does not respond)
Did you see Harry Potter?

Pam's phone rings. Pam answers quickly.

PAM
Dunder Mifflin?... Yes. One moment,
I'll transfer you.

Pam transfers the call and hangs up.

MICHAEL
I don't like how you just say "Dunder
Mifflin" when you answer. What if you
said like "Dunder Mifflin, this is
Pamela".

PAM
I go by Pam.

PACKER enters, overhearing the conversation.

PACKER
More like Pam Anderson.

MICHAEL
Oh yes! No no - Do Jenna Jameson.
She's hot.

PAM
I'm not saying that.

DWIGHT
What about Gillian Anderson?
(to camera)
The truth is out there.

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 2.

PHYLLIS
I like Anderson Cooper. He's the host
of The Mole.

KEVIN
Ooh, and she can disguise her voice
because ____
he's the mole!

MICHAEL
Kevin, c'mon. Don't be ridiculous.
Pam, just tell people you're famous
pornstar, Jenna Jameson.

MEREDITH
What about Loni Anderson?

MICHAEL
Yes! Ohh, then say this is "WRRK...P
in Cincinnati"

PACKER
Cincinna-titty!

DWIGHT
And you're looking for special agent
Fox Mulder!

MICHAEL
Yes! Do it Pam, please?

PAM
I'm not going to-

The phone rings. All watch in anticipation. Pam answers.

PAM (CONT'D)
Dunder Mifflin... This is Pam.

All are disappointed.

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Well that's not going to last.

END OF COLD OPEN

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 3.

ACT ONE
_______

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - MORNING

Michael is interviewing KIRA, a young professional.

MICHAEL
I see you graduated from DePaul
University? That's a good school.

KIRA
Cum laude.

MICHAEL
C-, come loudly?

KIRA
Cum laude?

MICHAEL
(starts giggling, excited)
Hahaha... umm... that's a good
school... hahaha...

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Today is a big day here at Dunder
Mifflin. Today we get a new friend. A
real friend this time, not like
Imagination Jones. Dwight Schrute has
been promoted, and we're bringing on
someone to work under Dwight as a
junior sales man- or maybe even a
sales guy.

INT. JIM AND DWIGHT'S DESK - MORNING

TOBY is setting up Jim's desk. He lowers the desk chair.

DWIGHT
How do you know they'll be tall?

TOBY
I don't, I'm just setting it up.

DWIGHT
Fact: ten percent of people on earth
are too tall. And of them, two percent
are sinister.

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 4.

TOBY
That's not a fact.

DWIGHT
But it's a fact that some of them
might be sinister.

TOBY
I guess that's true.

DWIGHT
So then I'm right.

TOBY
I guess so.

DWIGHT
Say it.

TOBY
You're right, Dwight.

Dwight looks around to see if anybody else heard. Michael's

door opens and Kira storms out, purse in hand. Michael
follows calling to her.

MICHAEL
I'm not the one who came here with sex
jokes all over my resume, and if I did
you'd be rolling!

She exits, slamming the door. Michael stops to address Pam.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Weirdo. Pam, these interviews are
awful. They're idiots or they can't
take a joke. Losers. All of them.

PAM
This is Jenny, she's your 10 o'clock.

The camera turns to reveal JENNY, a tall woman sitting at

reception, who has overheard what Michael just said and did.

MICHAEL
Great. Good. Jenny Jackson?

JENNY
(standing)
Nice to meet you.

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 5.

MICHAEL
Nice- Did you hear all that?

JENNY
Yes.

MICHAEL
Of course. Good. Observant. Well
c'mon, let's do it, Jackson Hewitt.

They start toward Michael's office.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
So how's the weather up there? I know,
it's hotter because you're closer to
the sun.

DWIGHT
Hold it, Michael, I'd like a moment
with this candidate?

MICHAEL
No, Dwight, eat it. Ok?

DWIGHT
But-

MICHAEL
Eat it, Dwight. Put it in your mouth,
and eat it. Ok?
(back to Jenny)
So, were you from the Amazon, or...?

Michael and Jenny enter Michael's office and shut the door.
Dwight mugs to Toby suggesting she is tall and sinister.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Michael is interviewing people to be
my new sales partner. I asked if I
could interview them too, but Michael
said "you don't leave a corn dog next
to a goat and expect to eat lunch".

INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Dwight rifles through Jenny's coat on the rack, adds mouse

traps to pockets. Dwight sprinkles thumb tacks on the couch.
Dwight sets up a crude trap where a bucket of shredded paper
falls from above the door frame to the floor.

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 6.

DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Nevertheless, I'm going to be putting
these candidates through some tests of
my own just to make sure they have
what it takes to join me and be my
sales partner. I trust Michael, but
what he said is false.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
You can leave a corn dog next to a
goat and still eat lunch. So long as
you eat goats.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - MORNING

Michael interviewing DAVE, a young professional.

MICHAEL
So you worked at Hammermill?

DAVE
Yeah for about three years. I was in
the Buffalo market, then spent some
time in Rochester and moved to Ithaca.
My family is upstate, so I'm there
every other weekend-

MICHAEL
(in Jack Benny impression)
Rochester!?!

DAVE
I-uh... yes. Rochester, and Ithaca-

MICHAEL
(continuing impression)
No, no. Rochester!

DAVE
I don't- uh...

MICHAEL
Jack Benny!

DAVE
I'm sorry?

MICHAEL
Really? Wow. Only the fourth best
(MORE)

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 7.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Tonight Show host in history.

DAVE
Who was-

MICHAEL
Letterman. You know what? I bet I can
find him on YouTube.
(turns to computer)
Jack Benny... Benny...Benny Hill? You
know him right?

DAVE
Um, yes?

Michael pushes play, Benny Hill music starts. Michael watches

on his computer laughing while Dave sits awkwardly. Dwight
bursts into the room, Michael pauses the video.

DWIGHT
Pop quiz, hot shot!

MICHAEL
No, Dwight. Get out.

DWIGHT
No-no, just a quick question. I
promise it's professional.

MICHAEL
Fine. One question.

DWIGHT
Ok. If God were a piece of paper-
(to camera)
-which he is-
(back to Dave)
-would he be this beautiful, extra
thick glossy canary yellow with a soft
tint and soothing glow? Or this ugly,
crumpled piece of ordinary ugly
printer paper? Blech!

Both Dwight and Michael look at Dave anticipating an answer.

MICHAEL
It's a good question.

DAVE
I-uh...

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 8.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT
I peed on the canary yellow.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - CONTINUED

DAVE
I'm sorry, who is this?

DWIGHT
I'm your boss. And you're fired!

MICHAEL
(kicking Dwight out)
Ok, no. Get out. Out!

DWIGHT
(while being rushed out)
Pack your things!

Michael pushes Dwight out the office and closes the door.

MICHAEL
Sorry about him. He's awful and I
think he may have a mental disorder in
his brain or something.

DAVE
And he works here?

MICHAEL
Yeah. You'll be his partner. So
anyways, where were we?

Michael pushes play and Benny Hill music starts again.

INT. PACKER'S DESK - MORNING

PACKER
(on the phone, answering questions)
Yes, premium suite... platinum. King
sized... Priority... Continental...
Great. And last question, how far away
is the cheapest titty bar?

Phyllis overhears this question and is disgusted.

PACKER (CONT'D)
Perfect. Can I use the hotel shuttle?

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 9.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
This place is like a team. Like the
Harlem Globetrotters. Fun fact, my
uncle actually played for the Harlem
Globetrotters. Well, he played against
them. He was on the Washington
Generals. Lost every game. But, you
know. Same ticket price.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - MORNING

Michael is interviewing a pretty blonde, BETH.

MICHAEL
Have you ever played any sports?

BETH
I did cheer in high school, and a bit
in college.

MICHAEL
No, a sport. Cause cheer is just
like... yelling...

Beth stares in disbelief at the question.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Isn't it?

BETH
It's more than yelling.

MICHAEL
Hmm, ok... Is it, though? Because I've
seen it, and they just kinda yell.
(bad cheering)
Dun-Der Miff! Here- we- go! Yell- ing!
Cheer! Your! Name! Is! Beth! Anddddd
team! Win.
(no longer cheering)
So... Not a sport... Do you still have
the uniform?

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
And when you're adding to a team, you
look at the strengths and weaknesses
of your "bench". Strengths here would
(MORE)

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 10.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
be attitude, comedy, close to the
interstate. Two microwaves.
Weaknesses... I'd say Toby. Just a big
fat stinking weakness.

INT. OSCAR'S DESK - MORNING

OSCAR, working at his computer, is suddenly annoyed.

OSCAR
Oh what the hell.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

OSCAR
Dunder Mifflin doesn't use Microsoft
Office. Instead we have our own
version called "Offrosoft Micus". It's
slow, it's full of glitches, and
instead of "Clippy" the helpful
paperclip, we get "Stapley" the
talking cowboy stapler. Talking.
_______
Cowboy. _______
______ Stapler.

INT. OSCAR'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

STAPLEY is seen on Oscar's computer. Stapley is an animated

stapler in the cartoon style of Clippy bouncing around the
screen wearing a cowboy hat.

STAPLEY
Looks like you're fixin' to type an
email, partner! Need some help ropin'
up some typos??

OSCAR TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

OSCAR
It is the bane of my existence.

INT. OSCAR'S DESK - CONTINUOUS

STAPLEY
Whoooaaahhh there, little doggy! That
there's a repeated word!!

Kevin giggles as computery western music plays. Oscar

attempts to close out the program, but the music continues.

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 11.

INT. STANLEY'S DESK - MORNING

STANLEY has a fan running at his desk. Phyllis sits down

across from him wearing headphones. After a moment, Stanley
looks up annoyed, as we notice Phyllis is humming softly.
Stanley turns up the fan to a higher speed and her humming is
drowned out for a beat.

PACKER
(unexpectedly)
Can it Phyllis!

STANLEY TALKING HEAD

STANLEY
I could care less about Michael adding
to the staff. There are already plenty
of people working here that should not
be working here. Including myself.

INT. PAM'S DESK - MORNING

JIM enters, noticing Pam at reception.

JIM
Hi, I'm Jim Halpert. Here for an
interview at 11:30.

PAM
Ok, Jim. Hi, I'm Pam. You can hang
your coat. Do you want to have a seat?

JIM
(notices thumb tacks on the couch)
I'm fine. I'll just read a magazine.

Dwight peeks over to see if his test worked on Jim.

PAM
Ok, I'll let Michael know you're here.

Pam calls Michael. Jim hangs his coat, notices Pam.

PAM (CONT'D)
(on the phone with Michael)
Jim Halpert is here... Um, yeah. Ok

MICHAEL (V.O.)
(muffled from his closed office)
Rochester!?!

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 12.

PAM
Um, a city in New York?... Sorry. Ok.

Pam hangs up.

JIM
Hey, um... so this might sound weird,
and there's no reason for me to know
this, but that mixed-berry yogurt
you're about to eat has expired.

PAM
What? Oh my gosh, haha. How- how did
you know that?

JIM
They stopped making that packaging.
Like three months ago, so...

PAM
Wow, I uh... Thank you.

JIM
No problem. And hey, if I'm ever about
to eat some poison, you let me know.

PAM
Haha, I will. I will make sure nobody
poisons you.

JIM
Thank you.

PAM
Unless it's me.

JIM
Rude. You wouldn't.

Michael exits his office, approaches Jim, interrupting.

MICHAEL
Pam! Wow! It's Jim!

PAM
Yes, this is Jim Hal-

MICHAEL
No no, Pam. Wow! Pam-wow! Pam-wow!
(Shamwow Vince impression)
Made in Germany, you know the Germans
(MORE)

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 13.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
always make good stuff!
(to camera)
You follow me camera guy?

PAM
This is Jim Halpert.

MICHAEL
Jim, hi, hello. You know the Shamwow
guy, right?

JIM
Yeah, sure.

MICHAEL
Alright! Slam it up- five, high!
(gets a high five)
Ok, let's do this. It's your try out!
Gotta make the team! C'mon, we're
putting you in.

Jim follows Michael into his office, turns to Pam with a look
like "what's up with this guy?" Pam returns with a look
saying "I couldn't explain it to you if I tried". They share
a laugh, Jim enters Michael's office, and the door shuts. Pam
has a soft smile for a beat.

MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

(muffled, from his closed office)
Rochester!?!

END OF ACT ONE

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 14.

ACT TWO
_______

INT. ELEVATORS - AFTERNOON

Dwight stands at attention in front of the elevator as the

doors open to reveal STEVEN, a weak-looking interviewee, who
is startled to see somebody standing at the doors.

DWIGHT
State your business.

STEVEN
Um... is this um... D-Dander... Muff-

DWIGHT
Dander? Is this Dander? No. It's not
dander anything. It's called Dunder
Mifflin, and you will never forget it.

Dwight reaches into the elevator and pushes "one".

STEVEN
But I have-

DWIGHT
- you have failed. Now go home and,
take some time to learn the name of
the company that _____
won't hire you.
(to camera, as doors close)
What a boob.

Dwight turns to a stool holding a juice box and an open book.

He sits and continues reading. He clearly has been monitoring
the elevators since Jim's arrival.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Michael interviewing Jim.

MICHAEL
So. James... Halpert...

JIM
(after an awkward beat)
Well I -

MICHAEL
Did you find the place ok?

JIM
Yeah, it's just off the interstate, so
(MORE)

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 15.

JIM (CONT'D)
it wasn't a problem.

Michael looks to camera suggesting Jim noticed the strength.

MICHAEL
Yeah, it sure is. And you're
interested in sales?

JIM
I am, yes. I like talking to people,
and I feel like a sales job isn't
about what you sell, it's about the
people, you know?

MICHAEL
Yes. Thank you. People. very true.
Actually-
(opens desk and pulls out a People
magazine. Shows it to Jim)
So there you go.
(hands it to Jim)
You can keep that.

JIM
Um... thanks?

MICHAEL
(looking through drawer)
Actually... Actually I need that back.
That's one's a loaner.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I do think of myself as a team leader.
Like a captain. Or a coach. "Run!!!"

INT. OFFICE FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

Michael playing with a basketball around various employees.

Bouncing a ball off of the back of Stanley's head. Fake pass
to Dwight. Spinning the ball on his finger, but it keeps
falling off.

MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

When you bring on a new teammate the
veteran players get nervous. Am I
going to lose my spot in the lineup -
clients. How will my children eat?

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 16.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
Will I have to live under train tracks
and prostitute myself for sex and then
go to jail and get the electric chair
and die? So... that's probably what
they're all thinking.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Michael continuing to interview Jim. We see Phyllis and

Packer peeking in through the window nervously.

MICHAEL
What is this? I swear you are the
third person who has made this joke.

JIM
It actually means "with honors".

MICHAEL
Ohhh. Oh so it's like German?

JIM
Um...

PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD

PHYLLIS
I get a little nervous when there's a
new salesman. But I do like when
there's new men in the office. I like
the attention.

PACKER TALKING HEAD

PACKER
Me? Nervous about a new salesman?
Haha, who told you that? No.
Seriously. Tell me. Was it Kevin? Tell
me right now. Who told you that.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Michael continuing to interview Jim.

MICHAEL
So what else. C'mon, off the record.
Snap into it, slim Jim.

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 17.

JIM
Well after Penn I interned at Microso-

MICHAEL
Blah blah blah Microsoft. No. I wanna
know the man. What's your deal. What
makes Jim tick?

JIM
I don't know, um... I play guitar? I
like basketball.

MICHAEL
Yes! Basketball! Perfect. Favorite
player?

JIM
Dr. Jay, probably.

MICHAEL
(does not know who that is)
Yeah... yes. Dr. Jordan. Let me ask
you this. You're playing basketball,
and it's fourth quarter. The shot
clock is at one minute. And you have a
coach, and he's more than a coach,
right? He's your... not "leader"...

JIM
Mentor?

MICHAEL
Soul mate.

JIM
Oh.

MICHAEL
And you two just gel. And you go to
the park, and you watch music videos
together, and it's just fun, you know?
It's fun? Does that make sense?

JIM
I'm sorry is this still a basketball
scenario?

MICHAEL
(realizes he got lost)
Yes, it is... And the question is...
(MORE)

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 18.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)

What is a Shaq-attack?

Dwight explodes into the room.

DWIGHT
Pop quiz! Eat these index cards!

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Scared of a new salesman? Please. The
only thing that has ever scared me in
the history of the world is an
alternate reality where dogs rule the
earth and people are their pets. Also
The Ring.

PACKER TALKING HEAD

PACKER
(standing, now angry)
I want to know who told you I was
nervous, you damn liar!

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I'm not really looking for a long-term
career here or anything. I'm just
trying to figure out what I want to
do. But, I'm pretty sure it's not
this. Selling paper? This place just
seems like a drain. Just people
circling the drain.

INT. ANGELA AND OSCAR'S DESK - AFTERNOON

ANGELA completes something on her computer, sheepishly pushes

enter, and we hear Stapley chirp up.

STAPLEY
(from Angela's computer)
Yeeeee haw!! Your expenses have done
been reeeee-ported!

OSCAR
Why.

ANGELA
He's so cute, look at him. He has a
(MORE)

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 19.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
horse and everything.

We see Stapley on Angela's computer riding around on an

animated horse, firing guns in the air.

STAPLEY
(from Phyllis's computer)
Yeeeee haw!! Your expenses have done
been reeeee-ported!

OSCAR
Please not you too, Phyllis.

PHYLLIS
Where do you think he go those guns?

Computer music and gunshots continue.

PHYLLIS (CONT'D)
Oh, careful Stapley.

We see Oscar's dead-panned frustration as Stapley chirps up

again, from an unknown computer.

STAPLEY
(from unknown computer)
Yeeeee haw!! Your expenses have done
been reeeeeeee-

INT. PACKER'S DESK - AFTERNOON

Jim exits Michael's office, shutting the door. He walks into

the kitchen, then into the bathroom.

PACKER
Say who is this long tall orangutan,
anyway, Phyllis? Stanley? He's been in
there longer than anyone today.

STANLEY
Do I look like I care, Todd?

PACKER
You never look like you care about
anything.

STANLEY
Bingo.

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 20.

PACKER
Dammit Stanley!
(knocks pencils off his desk)
He's a snake, you better believe it,
and when he gets on board he'll be
just gunning for all our clients.

DWIGHT
I've been gunning for things my whole
life, only with real guns.

PACKER
We'll hear what you have to say when
he steals Rogan Law right out from
under you!

PHYLLIS
Nobody's stealing anything from under
anybody, Todd.

PACKER
(examining Phyllis)
Well obviously not from under you.

PHYLLIS
That's awful, Todd.

PACKER
Of course it's awful, Phyllis! I'm
awful!

Packer's cell phone starts ringing.

PACKER (CONT'D)
But unlike you suckers, I'm not going
to let daddy long-legs there eat up
all the juicy spiders.

He takes the call, stands up and starts out.

PACKER (CONT'D)
(on phone, walking out)
Jan. Todd Packer, thanks for
returning. Listen, what's a salesman
gotta do to get his tight erect buns
out on the road?

INT. CREED'S DESK - AFTERNOON

Creed sits with his head back, eyes unblinking, staring at

the ceiling for a beat. Meredith looks up from her paperwork

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 21.

and notices. She waves at him, whispers his name, snaps at

him. She throws a pencil at him. He suddenly speaks.

CREED
(unmoving)
Not dead.

Meredith returns to her paperwork un-phased.

INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Jim exits the bathroom to find Pam getting coffee.

JIM
Hey, Pam. Right?

PAM
Yeah, hey. How's the interview going?

JIM
Um... It's ok. What's with that guy?

PAM
Michael? Oh yeah. My theory is he was
an only child, but like a very only
child? Like he was alone in the world
and he was a child.

JIM
Haha, no, the other guy. He's kinda
pink-face looking? Or like a scared
owl?

PAM
Ah, him. Well. Remember when you asked
me to warn you about poison?

JIM
Yeah.

PAM
Well, if you take the job, enjoy this
moment, because you're never going to
go back to this time before you met
your desk-mate, Dwight.

Both turn to look through the window and see Dwight, leaning
back in his chair, making eye contact with them while
sharpening an ice pick.

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 22.

JIM
Is he going to kill me?

PAM
Just on the inside, Jim.

Pam pats him on the shoulder and leaves the kitchen. Jim
smiles, and notices she touched him.

JIM (V.O.)
Maybe not "circling the drain". That's
harsh. I mean some people are circling
the drain.

JIM TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

JIM
Not everyone is that bad.

END OF ACT TWO

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 23.

ACT THREE
_________

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Michael is staging a fake sales call with Jim.

MICHAEL
(on his phone)
So Mr. Halpert, I'm an important
business man, and I need paper. What
kind of paper can you sell me?

JIM
(faking on his cell phone)
Well Mr. Scarn, we have your standard
printer paper, and we have heavier
stock for invitations or formal pages.

MICHAEL
Invitations? Everyone I know has just
died in a boat fire.

JIM
I- I'm sorry.

MICHAEL
It's ok, I didn't like them anyway,
and that boat was unsafe for travel.
What else do you have?

JIM
Um, well we have envelopes?

MICHAEL
Ah, perfect for mailing my hair to
celebrities. What about legal paper?
After all, I'm on the Supreme Court.

JIM
I thought you were a business man.

MICHAEL
Oh, hang on.
(pretends to click over)
Yes? Hello Mr. President. This is
Supreme Court Justice, Michael Scarn.
What? Kill all of the terrorists? Why
that would be- _______________
Supreme Justice. Right
Away Mr. President.
(pretends to switch back)
I'm sorry, you were saying?

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 24.

Michael's phone rings while he's on it. He looks at the

extension and answers on speaker, reluctantly.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
What do you want, Dwight?

DWIGHT (V.O.)
(from phone)
Hello sir, I'm sorry about your boat.
We can offer you several funeral and
visitation cards for your tragic day,
as well as-

Michael hangs up on him.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
So far, this "Jim" has solved all of
my tests. He avoided the thumb tacks,
he didn't eat the index cards, and he
didn't even notice the severed cow
testicles. But I've got plenty left up
my sleeves.

INT. PAM'S DESK - EARLIER

Dwight sneaks to Pam's computer while it's vacant, updates

her scheduling information for Jim, and changes his name so
that it now says "Bim Halpert". He proudly shows the camera.

DWIGHT (V.O.) (CONT'D)

For example, I changed his name in our
directory from "Jim" to "Bim" Halpert.
An embarrassing typo like that is sure
to land him in the cross-hairs. So
there's a lot of green left to play.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
As General Patton said, I love the
smell of Napalm in the morning". And
it's only...
(checks watch)
Twelve thirty in the afternoon.

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 25.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
Yeah, it's been a crazy day, a lot of
people in and out. I don't know, they
all kinda run together, but Jim seems
nice enough. I guess you only remember
the last one, right?

PACKER TALKING HEAD

The interview chair is empty, however we see Packer in the

background through the blinds berating Kevin.

PACKER
Did you tell them I was scared?!
Huh??What the hell did tell them!?!

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Michael continuing to interview Jim

MICHAEL
I get a good vibe from you Jimmy
Dean's sausage. I think we have a real
thing going. Finish my sentence, let's
see if we can mind-meld.

JIM
Oh I was hoping we could talk about
salary, or-

MICHAEL
For lunch I ate...?

JIM
Um, I think you had a Filet O'Fish.

MICHAEL
Exactly! Man, are we gelling?

JIM
Well there's a wrapper right there.

MICHAEL
My name is...?

JIM
Michael.

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 26.

MICHAEL
(slaps desk)
Guuuhhhh! How are you doing this!?

JIM
So on the starting salary, are you
flexible on-

MICHAEL
Are you flexible on your starting...?
Jim, your starting...?

Jim does not answer, instead mugs to camera.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
(trying to get him to say "salary")
Starting sala.... salll.. c'mon...?

INT. ANGELA'S DESK - AFTERNOON

Kevin and Angela working

ANGELA
What was Tom's lunch expense in
Nashua?

KEVIN
(hands Angela a receipt)
Fourteen dollars and ninety-six cents.

ANGELA
(reading the receipt)
Sixty-nine cents.

Kevin looks at the camera to start smiling.

ANGELA (CONT'D)
(without looking up)
Don't.

KEVIN
I wasn't!

Michael and Jim exit Michael's office.

MICHAEL
Attention everyone -
(sees Toby sitting at Jim's desk)
Hey, hey, stupid. What are you doing?

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 27.

TOBY
I was just setting up his computer.

MICHAEL
Well go set it up by yourself in your
mind, dingus.

Toby sadly stands up and sulks away.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
We'll get somebody to clean that seat.
(addressing everyone)
Everyone! Hello. This is Big Jim
Halpert. We just spoke cum laude, and
I want to walk him around, introduce
him, see if he's a good fit. Jim,
anything you want to add? Address the
crowd. St. Peter's Back-silclca.

JIM
I'm just...excited to sell some paper.

MICHAEL
Oooh that's the drive. Look out.
Packer! Dwight, pretty soon he'll
coming for you.

PACKER
That's what she said.

MICHAEL
Oh man! That's what she says! Pack
man. That is filthy. I love that.

DWIGHT
Yeah right. I bet you can't lift a
tractor.

PHYLLIS
Can you lift a tractor?

DWIGHT
I could with two other men at the same
time.

PHYLLIS
But then you'd have help.

STANLEY
Oh well in that case this conversation
really matters.

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 28.

MICHAEL
Alright, Dwight wants two men at the
same time. So Jim this is the sales
team. There's Phyllis and Stanley.

We follow as Michael walks Jim to accounting.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
And over here is accounting. There's
Oscar, Angela, Kevin.

KEVIN
Hi, I'm Kevin. Do you have any candy?

JIM
Um, not on me.

KEVIN
Then- then why are you here right now?

MICHAEL
Oh, sorry Kevin. I got you. Here.

Michael tosses Kevin a chocolate bar.

KEVIN
(eating)
Mmm. Good. This is good. It's good to
eat you. I mean "meet" you.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I think our team here could be the
best ever. They say the Celtics were
the best ever. I say the Scranton
branch of Dunder Mifflin could take em
down, six games, no question. Not in
basketball though, that would be a
blowout. Not even close.

INT. OFFICE FLOOR - AFTERNOON

Michael continuing to show Jim the office.

MICHAEL
Over this way, there's Meredith,
Supplier Relations. And Creed.
(notices Creed isn't moving)
Creed? Creed!?

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 29.

MEREDITH
Not dead.

MICHAEL
Oh ok. Good. Sometimes we think he's
dead. And finally, Pam. Reception.

JIM
Yeah, we met already.

PAM
(playfully)
Did we? Jim? Is it? Or is it Bim?

JIM
(playing back)
Um, it's Jim.

PAM
So, not "Bim"?

JIM
No, I think Bim was here earlier.

PAM
Ok. "Jim". If you say so... It's nice
to meet you. "Jim".

JIM
Nice to meet you too, Pam.

They share a beat.

MICHAEL
It's "Jim", Pam.

Dwight is seen frustrated this test did not work.

INT. MICHAEL'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON

Michael wrapping up with Jim.

MICHAEL
So you've walked around, you know the
job. Now's your time. Do you want in?
Deal or no deal. Ring ring.
(picks up phone, hits buttons)
It's the banker. He says I'm Howie
Mandel. Don't shake my hand. He's
weird. Germs.
(stutters with the phone)

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 30.

What?.. hello?
(hangs up)
That was a person. Anyway, I think
this is a great fit.

Jim looks out Michael's office to see Pam at her desk working
on something. She gets up and walks to Jim's desk. He watches
as she places a nameplate on his desk that reads "Bim
Halpert". Jim smiles to himself.

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
You can join this team and we can
drive for the hoop. Right? So get on
up here. Get off the bench, Halpert!
What do you say. Finish my sentence:
"my answer to the job offer is..."

JIM
Um, sure. Yeah, I'll take it.

MICHAEL
Alright! Excellent! We'll get you
started on Monday, 8am sharp! Be here
or be squ-eere! Well, no. Actually. I
need to fire somebody or ...Hm. I
didn't think about that. We'll figure
it out. Welcome aboard!

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
Jim took the job? Well, that's good.
I'm glad. I'm very glad for him.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I am excited, yeah. Nobody actually
"likes" their job, right? They just
like the paycheck and the people. I
just have a feeling. Feels like I'm
supposed to... Just feels right. I can
sell paper.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
I do think bringing Jim on will help
our team. And it's pretty convenient,
because-

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 31.

INT. PACKER'S DESK - AFTERNOON - CONTINUOUS

Packer starting for the door. He flips everyone off as he

walks out. He is forced to return, having forgotten his keys.

MICHAEL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

-Todd Packer has taken a job on the
road, so it actually worked out great.
That would have been awkward. I think
he would have beat me up.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD - CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL (CONT'D)
They say a manager is only as good as
his latest hire, well then consider me
the Jim Halpert- est of managers.
(clicks on his computer and a Dr.
Dre song starts)
Doctor Jay.

INT. JIM'S DESK - AFTERNOON

Jim with his coat on, leaving, speaks with Dwight.

JIM
So I guess we'll be desk buddies.

DWIGHT
(ignoring Jim entirely)
I guess we will.

Jim starts to leave.

DWIGHT (CONT'D)
Oh Jim, one more question. How tall
are you?

JIM
(puts his hand in his coat pocket)
What's that?
(immediately pulls his hand out to
reveal a mousetrap on his finger)
Oww! What? How did-

DWIGHT
Hahaha! Ahhh hahaha "Desk buddies"...

PAM
I'm sorry about him.

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 32.

JIM
It's no big deal. I'll get him back.
I'll uh... I'll see you Monday, Pam.
Or was it "Bam"?

Pam smiles as Jim leaves. As he exits he passes by Roy, who

enters the office and immediately begins chatting and
flirting with Pam. Jim sees this, is concerned, then enters
the elevator and the doors shut. We then see Dwight's bucket
of shredded paper topple in doorway, missing both Jim and
Roy, sending paper scraps tumbling down.

END OF ACT THREE

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 33.

ACT FOUR
________

INT. OSCAR'S DESK - LATE EVENING

After work hours, Oscar working alone at his computer.

OSCAR
(typing, to self)
"...the end of the billing cycle. Our
website will-"

STAPLEY
(from Oscar's computer)
Stick em' up! This here's a bank
robbery! There are toooooo many spaces
between your sentences you varmint!

Oscar sits frustrated. He moves his mouse and clicks.

OSCAR
"Our website will begin-"

STAPLEY
Do you want to make that website into
a hyperlink, you city-slicker??

Oscar, more frustrated, moves his mouse and clicks.

STAPLEY (CONT'D)
Well slap yer boots and shuffle the
deck cause' we got a gambler here!

OSCAR
I hate you! You understand? I hate
you, you stupid redneck stapler hick,
you worthless animation, I hate you!

Oscar collects himself, breathes deeply. He clicks again.

OSCAR (CONT'D)
There. Sent. Thank god.

Oscar stands to put on his coat and begins packing up.

STAPLEY
Hold it there outlaw! You best put an
attachment on this got damn email!!

END OF ACT FOUR

END OF EPISODE

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