Understanding This Theory is Essential

to Being Trauma-Informed
My typically happy, well-adjusted 11-year old daughter was having a melt
downs of all melt downs. She was crying hysterically. I could hear her
wailing downstairs as she was upstairs. I could feel my heart rate rising
as her distress increased.
I called up to my husband; “What is going on with Hannah?” Granted, the
night before was a late Halloween night fueled by massive amounts of
sugar. That right there renders a dire state in the body – little sleep,
ample sugar.
My gut twisted as I heard her shrieking. It is the same gut distress I
experienced when she was a crying infant. It was an inner state I could
not tolerate. I had to comfort her in order to comfort myself.
I tried to give my husband room to console her but it wasn’t happening
fast enough. I mobilized to the sound of her sobs where I found her
hiding under the sheets crying in our guest bedroom. My husband was
telling her she had to go to her bedroom. I dart my furious eyes to him
and utter through pursed lips, “Why?”
My first instinct – the instinct I honed from 20 years of working with
children in various states of dysregulation and raising two children was –
be quiet. Sit quietly, wait, give her space, but not too much room, be
physically and psychologically present without touching her. Let her cry if
it’s discharging the excess energy effectively. In other words, if she is
starting to cry less and appears to be moving in the direction of settling let
her continue. Offer gentle and delicately simple words of comfort,
occasionally.
“I am here.”
“I hear you starting to calm down.”
“I am still here with you.”
However, my presence in that moment accelerates her arousal so I exit
and let my husband continue his attempt. In all fairness, I almost always
try and take over these situations because I am a master at helping
others regulate. But this is my daughter. My presence in that moment
signifies more threat in her body. More on why this is later.
My husband eventually helps her settle and she returns to her own
bed. Once she’s there she asks to speak with me. I help her cognitively
process her heightened state.
People often fail to recognize that there is no reasoning, no rational
cognitive process occurring in a state of heightened arousal. That
comes after someone has regained composure, settled, or calmed
down. This simple understanding is at the crux of being trauma-informed.
The way that I handled this situation and the awareness I have in this
circumstance is in large part thanks to Stephen Porges, author of The
Polyvagal Theory. Porges’ theory helps to demystify much of human
behavior and yet the vast majority of people have never heard of it. I
don’t know how anyone can truly be trauma-informed in the absence of
understanding his work. Part of the reason people may be unaware of his
theory is because it’s dense and often detailed in clinical or scientific
publications. I am going to do my best to translate his work in “normal
people” speak.
Porges contends that through the course of mammalian evolution we
developed a more sophisticated autonomic nervous system. Hard-wired
for survival, our primitive selves mobilized effortlessly into defensive
states (i.e. fight, flight or freeze). However, as humans evolved into a
more social and cooperative species, we developed physiological
features that supported what Porges calls, “the realm of social
engagement.”
The realm of social engagement is where relationships are built and
repaired. It’s kind of like the realm of unicorns, butterflies and
rainbows. Hope, trust, love, and healing abounds in the realm of social
engagement. When we are in this realm, we can speak with compassion,
we can access our “better selves” and we can co-regulate with
others. But if our bodies perceive threat, we can get hijacked out of social
engagement and mobilized into more defensive states.
Let me repeat, we mobilize unconsciously into defensive states of fight,
flight, or freeze reactions in the presence of perceived novelty or
threat. Otherwise stated, the vast majority of modern day human
misbehavior or problematic behavior (I.e. verbal / physical aggression,
noncompliance, hypervigilance, etc.) has been essential to our
survival. It’s through the development of our modern day phylogenetic
features that we gained some conscious control over of our actions. The
degree to which we can access these conscious controls is largely
dependent upon our perception of cues of safety in the environment and
in our interpersonal relationships. Developmental and acute trauma can
damage access to these conscious controls and shapes our perception of
safety and danger. Consequently, those with a trauma history are more
likely to defense mobilize in the presence of perceived threat or novelty.
This is where trauma-informed work should be focusing. How are we
creating safety for people? What are we doing to connote safety in our
environments – colors, textures, smells, objects, lighting, access to the
natural world? What about in our interpersonal relationships? Are we
aware of the prosody of our voice, the gestures of our face and body?
Moreover, do we know how to settle ourselves enough to regain access
to the realm of social engagement when we have been mobilized into
activation or shutdown in the presence of threat? When a child is
screaming in our face or our boss has pursed lips and a flushed face, we
experience our own defense mobilization.
The truth of the matter is we need to be cultivating more self-awareness if
we truly want to be trauma-informed and trauma-responsive.
“No one can ‘treat’ a war, or abuse, rape, molestation, or any other
horrendous event, for that matter; what has happened cannot be
undone. But what can be dealt with are the imprints of the trauma on body,
mind, and soul: the crushing sensations in your chest that you label as
anxiety or depression; the fear of losing control; always being on alert for
danger or rejection; the self-loathing; the nightmares and flashbacks; the fog
that keeps you from staying on task and from engaging fully in what you are
doing; being unable to fully open your heart to another human being.
Neuroscience research shows that the only way we can change the way we
feel is by becoming aware of our inner experience and learning to befriend
what is going on inside ourselves.” – Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps
the Score
In many trauma-informed change efforts, we hunger to learn more about
how to “help those” children, friends, colleagues that are experiencing
hypo or hyperarousal states (i.e. shutdown, aggression, agitation, non-
compliance). We seek to broaden our toolkit of trauma-informed
strategies. Strategies matter but what matters more is understanding our
own state – because the “hard to face” truth is our defense mobilization
can inadvertently contribute to the state of dysregulation we seek to ease
in another.
Remember what I described when I came upon with my daughter
hysterically crying in the bedroom? My defense mobilization was
communicated by the death glare at my husband and my momma bear
growl, “why?” I was defense mobilized because of my own lived
experiences and because she’s my daughter (who I am inextricably
biologically linked to). My defense mobilization inadvertently contributed
to an increase in her dysregulation. Fortunately, I recognized that in the
moment and exited. This is much harder to do then it sounds.
This is what I am trying to help people feel safe enough to do – to really
look at themselves. What triggers you? What do you need to feel
safe? What practices give you a sense of being grounded and
calm? Are you engaging in these practices regularly in your home, or in
the classroom, or in your work spaces to help modulate the stress
response systems of the collective?
The work of being trauma-informed and trauma-responsive is
complex. But there is a single great way to begin that is fairly simple –
increasing self-awareness.