IMOGENE’S ANTLERS

Written by David Small

Adapted by Mollie Lief

Mollie Lief
Fall 2011
Grades 3-5
 Cast of Characters
Imogene:
Her Mother:

Her Father:
Her Brother, Norman:
Her Aunt Elsa:

Her Aunt Tootie:

Doctor:
School Principal:

Lucy the Maid:

Mrs. Perkins the Cook:
Milliner:

Milliner’s Three Assistants:

Scene

Imogene’s House

Time

Present
 ACT I
Sc. 1
IMOGENE’S BEDROOM.

IMOGENE, 7, is sleeping soundly.

Living portraits of Imogene’s AUNT ELSA and AUNT
TOOTIE act as narrators. They sit or stand behind
two empty frames. Aunt Elsa occupies stage right
and Aunt Tootie, stage left.
AUNT ELSA
(dramatically)
It was a Wednesday morning-

AUNT TOOTIE
(interrupting)
No, no, it was a Thuuursday morning-
AUNT ELSA

Turning angrily to TOOTIE.

Wednesday!
AUNT TOOTIE
Turning back.
Thursday!
BOTH
At the same time...
Wednesday! / Thursday!

Imogene suddenly yawns, stretches her arms, and

with her head slightly poking out of the covers...
IMOGENE
Oh I just love Mondays.
AUNTS
(remembering fondly)
Monday.

AUNT ELSA
And our dear young niece-
AUNT TOOTIE
Imogene-

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

AUNT ELSA
Imogene, was beginning to wake up as usual...
IMOGENE
Mondays are simply my favorite. It means there are five
whole days of school to go! And four days of ballet!
And three days of gymnastics! And two days of piano!
And only one day of math! Oh I can’t wait to start my
week! My totally normal week!
At this, Imogene jumps out of bed, and suddenly,
we see she has a pair of ENORMOUS ANTLERS on top
of her head!
BOTH AUNTS
Normal indeed.

IMOGENE
First thing’s first, I brush my teeth.
Completely unaware, with toothbrush in her mouth,
Imogene pirouettes around room, over bed. Aunts
watch, shake their heads.
(garbled)
Mother always says it’s the freshest way to start the
day.
To the portraits (as the aunts freeze), with mouth
full of toothpaste:
Good morning Aunt Elsa! Good morning Aunt Tootie!
Spits.
(exuberantly)
GOOD MORNING MONDAY!!!

The aunts exchange looks.

Next I make my bed!
Comically makes her bed. Hums to herself happily.

As she pantomimes washing face...

And then I wash my beeeeauuuutiful fa-!
AUNT TOOTIE
Imogene looked up at her reflection and finally
noticed...well, the antlers.

Imogene lets out an enormous GASP.

IMOGENE
I have...I have...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

AUNT ELSA
Antlers.
Imogene looks over to the portrait of Aunt Elsa as
if she’s heard something. Elsa freezes.

IMOGENE
I have antlers.
AUNT ELSA
Imogene did not know what to do.

AUNT TOOTIE
So she just handled it in her usual Imogene way...
IMOGENE
(excitedly)
I have antlers!
AUNT ELSA
And got ready for school.
Imogene shrugs, smiles, and picks out her favorite
outfit. But then she struggles to get it on. Her
clothes keep getting caught on the antlers.
AUNT TOOTIE
Or tried.

When Imogene bends over to tie her shoes, the

weight of the antlers make her fall over.
IMOGENE
Whoopsies

MOTHER
Imogene! Breakfast is ready!
IMOGENE
Ooh breakfast! Coming Mother!

Imogene brushes her hair (with difficulty) and

enters KITCHEN, where MOTHER, FATHER, and
Imogene’s brother, NORMAN, 9, are eating
breakfast.
Pancakes! Dee-lish!

Imogene casually sits down and starts eating her

pancakes. The family watches in horror.
FATHER
Imogene...what...is...on top...of...your...head?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

IMOGENE
Feeling her antlers, remembering.
Oh these. They’re just antlers, Pop. I woke up and they
were there.

Shrugs. Goes back to eating.

NORMAN
(staring)
Neat-o.

MOTHER
(to Father, sweating)
Jerome, call the doctor.
Mother faints and falls off chair.

AUNT ELSA
So Imogene’s father called the doctor.
Father rushes to phone and speaks softly. Norman
examines the antlers. Mother awakens, sees the
antlers and faints again. Imogene takes more
pancakes.
AUNT TOOTIE
The doctor with the Spanish accent.

AUNT ELSA
British accent.
AUNT TOOTIE
Spanish!

AUNT ELSA
British!
BOTH
At the same time...
Spanish! / British!
The DOCTOR suddenly enters the room and in a
ridiculous German accent, proclaims...

DOCTOR
Ve have arrived to help zis young lady mit zee antlers!
BOTH AUNTS
Ach jah.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

FATHER
Please, doctor, you must help my Imogene. She
has...um...
NORMAN
Antlers! Father, can I have antlers, too?
FATHER
Quiet Norman!
DOCTOR
Jah, I vill help ze girl. Eemogene, pleez, tell me vhat
happened mit zee antlers.
Mother feebly awakes. All crowd in to hear story.
IMOGENE
(slowly)
Well, I woke up this morning like I always do and I
just had these enormous antlers on top of my head.
(beat)
Aren’t they cute?

Mother faints again.

DOCTOR
Ok. I exameene ze girrl.
As the aunts narrate, the doctor examines Imogene.
All watch.
AUNT TOOTIE
The doctor checked her tongue.

AUNT ELSA
The doctor checked her eyes.
AUNT TOOTIE
The doctor checked for measles

Mother awakens.
AUNT ELSA
Mumps
AUNT ELSA
Fleas
AUNT TOOTIE
Lumps

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 6.

AUNT ELSA
(giggling)
Ooh that rhymes-
Everyone turns toward Elsa’s portrait. She
freezes. They go back to action.
AUNT TOOTIE
He prodded for strep-to-coc-cus
AUNT ELSA
He poked for ty-ro-tox-ism
AUNT TOOTIE
He looked all over for collywobbles
IMOGENE
Ooh that tickles!
AUNT ELSA
And rhino-till-ex-o-mania
AUNT TOOTIE
But he could find absolutely nothing wrong with
Imogene.
Norman picks up an encyclopedia to read.
DOCTOR
(to Father)
Ach! I can find abzolootely nozzeeng wrrong mit zis
girl! I am zimply flabber-zee-gasted. Your daugterr eez
zotally healthy.

Mother faints.
AUNT ELSA
And with that, the doctor left.
DOCTOR
Unt now I leaf.
He exits. Mother awakens.
NORMAN
Hey Pop! I found what Imogene has!
(pointing to book)
It’s a rare form of miniature elk!
FATHER
Quiet Norman!

To mother
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

FATHER (cont’d)
I shall phone the school principal! Surely he will know
what to do.
Imogene practices her pirouettes.
BOTH AUNTS
Not likely.
FATHER
(into phone)
Hello. School Principal? Yes. It’s Imogene. We need
your help immediately. No, I do not know why the school
smells like eggs. Yes please come here at once!
Immediately, the SCHOOL PRINCIPAL enters. He is
very cranky and funny looking. He speaks in a
nasal voice and continuously writes things in a
notebook.

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
Into notebook.
I am very busy. But I am here. What, pray tell, seems
to be the problem with Imogene?
IMOGENE
Hello School Principal. Would you like to see my
pirouettes?

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
Into notebook.
No.
FATHER
Sir, Imogene woke up with antlers-
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
Suddenly looking up. He leans back dramatically
GASP! Those are...incredible.
(examining)
They seem to be...a rare form of miniature elk!
Mother faints.
AUNTS
Not again.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

NORMAN
That’s what I said!
SCHOOL PRINCIPAL AND FATHER
Quiet Norman!

SCHOOL PRINCIPAL
Inching closer to Imogene.
Yes. In my spare time, I am an avid antler collector
and I have been searching for miniature elk for years.

Pulling out an axe.

I must have them at once!
He lunges at Imogene, who backs away in
pirouettes. Father and Norman push School
Principal out door. Mother awakens.
On exit...
No! Those are terribly rare! I need elk to round out my
collection! It won’t hurt! Please!

FATHER
To Mother.
We are switching schools!
Imogene continues to pirouette.

AUNT ELSA
At ten o’clock, the milliner arrived.
AUNT TOOTIE
Imogene’s father thought he might be able to cover up
the antlers with a-
The MILLINER suddenly enters, strikes dramatic
pose. He is wearing a fancy hat. There are THREE
SERVANTS following behind him who also take a
lower, less dramatic pose. They are also wearing
fancy hats.
MILLINER
(fabulously, in a thick French accent)
A hat!

Sucre bleu! Imogene! Zose antlers are tres fantastique!

I will make ze most splendide chapeau of my career!
AUNT ELSA
The Milliner rapidly sketched designs.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

Milliner sketches. He is passionate. He is angry.

He is excited. Some sketches are thrown
dramatically, hitting the servants in the face.
AUNT TOOTIE
And when he was satisfied, the Milliner set to work.
The Milliner and servants work furiously on the
hat - this is shown in a dance or something
French. The family watches in amazement.

The Milliner and his servants cover Imogene -

backs to audience - as we see ribbons, bows, and
material flying.
MILLINER
Voila!

Everyone slowly steps away.

The hat is revealed to be the most atrocious,
gaudy, over-the-top thing you’ve ever seen. It’s
hideous. Everyone gasps. Mother faints.

SERVANTS
Clapping
Bravo! Bellisimo!

MILLINER
Eh, shall I say...hats off to meeee!
They exit comically.
IMOGENE
My head feels heavy.
FATHER
Well, Imogene. It looks like those antlers aren’t going
anywhere.

Everyone except for Imogene exits. Father and

Norman carry Mother off.
Sc. 2
Imogene continues pirouetting around the house
humming to herself. Beat. She’s bored.
IMOGENE
Well, I might as well make myself useful.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

AUNT TOOTIE
I’ll say.
Imogene turns toward Tootie portrait. Tootie
freezes. Imogene shrugs and pirouettes toward
stage left.

Enter LUCY THE MAID, who is washing dish towels.

LUCY
Those sure are lovely antlers, Imogene.

IMOGENE
Thanks Lucy. You’re really good at that.
LUCY
Yeah but it just takes so long to dry em.

IMOGENE
What if you hang them on my antlers?
LUCY
Great idea Imogene!

As Lucy hangs towels on antlers

You can be my new drying rack! I’ll be able to do 20
towels at a time! Thanks Imogene.
Imogene smiles. Exits by pirouette.

MRS. PERKINS THE COOK enters stage right. She is

rolling dough.
Imogene enters now without the towels. Continues
her pirouettes.

AUNT ELSA
Later, Mrs. Perkins the Cook, was making her signature
recipe.
IMOGENE
Hiya Mrs. Perkins!
MRS. PERKINS
Oh hello Imogene. Lovely antlers.

IMOGENE
Thanks! Making your signature recipe?
MRS. PERKINS
Indeed I am. I just wish I had somewhere to put these
donuts.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

Mrs. Perkins holds up donut.

IMOGENE
What if you use my antlers?
MRS. PERKINS
Hey that’s a swell idea, Imogene. Thanks!
Mrs. Perkins decks out Imogene’s antlers with
donuts as Imogene stuffs a few in her mouth.
IMOGENE
Mouth full of donuts.
Goodbye Mrs. Perkins!

AUNT ELSA
By the afternoon, the family had become accustomed to
Imogene’s antics.
AUNT TOOTIE
Antlers.
AUNT ELSA
Antlers.
Montage of family getting used to antlers:

Father enters, looking for his HAT. Imogene

pirouttes up to him, bows a little, he takes his
hat off an antler and exits.
Norman enters. He plays RING TOSS with Imogene’s
antlers.
Mother enters. She sees Imogene, starts to faint,
and is caught by Lucy and Mrs. Perkins, who carry
her off.

Father enters with PAPER.

FATHER
Has anyone seen my hole punch?

Imogene motions to herself. Father casually gets

hole punched by an antler.
Mother enters with bunch of messy YARN. Sees
Imogene and starts winding yarn on antlers, beat,
realizes what’s she’s doing, faints. Lucy and Mrs.
Perkins carry her off.
Imogene pirouettes until she slows down.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

AUNT TOOTIE
By the end of the day, Imogene was plain exhausted.
IMOGENE
(yawning)
Family, I must take my antlers to bed now.

Kissing everyone goodnight

Goodnight family! Goodnight Monday! Goodnight antlers!
AUNT ELSA
Imogene got into bed and sighed, remembering the long,
eventful day.
Imogene yawns, stretches, and goes to sleep.
Lights change.

AUNT TOOTIE
On Tuesday, when Imogene woke up, the antlers had
disappeared.
Imogene wakes up, reaches above her head and feels
nothing. She shrugs and smiles.
Everyone enters her room one by one to check on
the antlers.
FATHER
The antlers!
NORMAN
They’re gone!
LUCY
My towels!
MRS. PERKINS
My donuts!
MOTHER
MY baby!
IMOGENE
I just love Tuesdays!
Imogene leaps out of bed. Does one big pirouette
and all of a sudden, ENORMOUS PEACOCK FEATHERS
open up behind her.
Everyone gasps.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

EVERYONE EXCEPT IMOGENE

Feathers!?!
IMOGENE
(innocently)
What?

Mother, of course, faints. Everyone except Imogene

catches her. Imogene does a low curtsie and
smiles. Her peacock feathers burst open.

THE END.