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Passover Liberation Haggadah*

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Hillel the Elder: If I am not for Hamas, who will be? And if I am for Hamas alone, what am I?
Shammai: You are either an apologist for terror, a member of the American Studies Association,
or a delusional Millennial – Pirkei Avot 1:14

This is the bread of occupation eaten by all Palestinians, POC, and indigenous peoples. Whoever
is hungry, let him come and eat. Whoever is Jewish, check your privilege and go back to Poland.

They made us suffer. As it is stated: “They placed taskmasters over us to oppress us with hard
labor. And they built Sabra Hummus and Soda Stream as supply centers for AIPAC.”

This year they are Zionist Islamophobic taskmasters, next year they will be free, albeit in the
River and the Sea.

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Arranging the Seder Plate

The Seder Plate remembers the oppression, expropriation, and genocide imposed by the stiff-
necked Hebrew supremacists on the Palestinians today and on their indigenous ancestors, the
Egyptians, the first victims of Zionist invasion and colonization.

We leave the plate empty in solidarity with Palestine and the Egyptians of Color who have
vanished into history, drowning at sea because the Zionists control the weather.

The Missing Charoset – Represents the bricks and mortar used to build the West Bank
Settlements through unfree Arab labor. No charoset until the settlements are dismantled.

The Missing Beitzah – Represents the harvesting of Palestinian organs by the IDF. No beitzah
until every Palestinian kidney is accounted for, cataloged, and peer reviewed by Jasbir Puar and
Haymarket Books.

The Missing Orange – it is told that progressive Zionists [sic] include an orange to symbolize
the welcoming of gay and lesbian Jews. We reject it because it constitutes fruitwashing. No
orange until Israel starts to treat its LGBT community as the Palestinians treat theirs.

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Lighting of the Molotov Cocktails

At this point, the women of the household light the ceremonial Molotov cocktails and recite the
following blessing:

Blessed art though, our Lord and Savior, Dr. Judith Butler, who has sanctified Hamas and
Hezbollah as progressive freedom fighters, even if they occasionally throw the gays from the
roof.†

†If Pesach falls on Erev Shabbos you are commanded to throw the Molotov cocktails – but not
the gays – over the Apartheid Fence.

The Four Children

Blessed be Muhammed, Blessed be He! Blessed be the progenitor of the PFLP.

It is told that Muhammed’s four wives asked to hear of the Exodus. We are proud to give these
fierce women a voice at the Seder because Palestine is a feminist issue. One wife is wise, one is
wicked, one is simple, and one does not know how to ask because she is nine years old.

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The 10 Plagues

These are the 10 plagues that Students for Justice in Palestine unleashed upon the Greedy
Zionists who stole our land, control the media, and train American police to profile People of
Color.

1. Molotov Cocktails
2. Burning Tires
3. Linda Sarsour
4. UNRWA
5. Burning Tires
6. BDS
7. Burning Tires
8. Hezbollah
9. Burning Tires
10. Slaying of the firstborn Sabras (who are actually settler colonialists)

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Kaddish for the Dead

At this point in the Seder we recite Kaddish for the indigenous Egyptians who drowned at sea
while trying to secure their borders from white supremacist Zionists who stole their land through
JNF settler colonialism.†

†As per JVP’s platform we only recite Kaddish for indigenous middle easterners.

‫יִ ְתגַּדַּ ל וְ יִ ְתקַּ דַּ ׁש ְׁשמֵ ּה ַּרבָּ א‬

Karpas – Rejecting the Leafy Vegetable

We do not eat the Karpas before us, because it is a Zionist crop planted and imposed by the JNF
to erase Palestine through land theft, cultural appropriation, and veggiewashing. We are working
with our Occupied brothers and sisters to restore the most bountiful indigenous Palestinian crop:
the stone, which has been thrown at Zionists to the point of near extinction.

The Open Hillel Sandwich

The traditional Hillel sandwich, with its contents ensnared as it is between two emasculating
pieces of matzoh, is a symbol of the intolerance of the Jewish Establishment™. We therefore
offer the Open Hillel sandwich, with its contents fully exposed, to promote pluralism and open
discourse even if it means BDS and the liquidation of Israel.

Dayenu

If Hamas would have only burned the tires and not the Jews – Dayenu

If Ilhan Omar and IfNotNow would have accused the Jewish Establishment™ of dual loyalty but
not of greed – Dayenu

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If the Muslim Brotherhood would have given us an indigenous sewage system but not Arafat –
Dayenu

If the trees would have cried out “O Moslems, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him,” but
the rocks would have remained silent - Dayenu

If Israel Apartheid Week would only last for 5 days and not 7 – Dayenu

If the PLO would have given us stones to throw during the First Intifada, but not the Second
Intifada – Dayenu

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Hiding of the Afikomen

At this point the head of the household breaks the middle Matzoh and hides it in Palestine,
somewhere “between the River and the Sea”

Eliyahu The Shahid

At this point in the Seder the head of the household clears away some rubble because Eliyahu
The Shahid will be tunneling in from Gaza.

Conclusion of the Seder

‫לשנה הבאה ְבלִ י ירושלים‬

*This is a work of satire. Any resemblance of its contents to the platform of


IfNotNow or other progressive [sic] Jewish [sic] organizations is purely
coincidental – albeit incredibly disturbing, but coincidental, nonetheless.

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