Beyond the therapy room:

women's experiences of 'going

public' with song creations

Toni Day, Felicity Baker and Yvonne Darlington

Abstract

This paper describes the experiences of five women relating to the public performance of their work
created in music therapy. Performance within this project included the recording of their work and a
subsequent live performance at the launch of a CD created within the project. Programme participants
were interviewed and asked to describe their experiences of the song writing process, including recording
and the public performance of their work. All participants in the programme had experienced childhood
abuse and as such their song creations were intensely personal and at times included painful memories.
The women reported many different feelings during the recording and performance process. Overa ll, all
participants found this process to be worthwhile. Case vignettesipresent the experienc:es'of the women
involved in the programme. The paRer,conciudes with consid~~~tionsfor r:nu sic ther a . Jtk"X(% 'iti bne'rs. .
x'/' 1ft> _;;<;7</ "',./ ~,," /., ,.,~" ,'; .
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Keywords: music therapy, women /abuse~ performance, recormg, song writing, expe~~e~

Introduction clients has been specifically raised in the literature

Song writing is regarded as an effective technique in
achieving group cohesiveness, increasing self-
expression and self-esteem, improving interpersonal
communication, recovering repressed material and
enhancing insight into personal issues (Edgerton
1990) . Whilst many music therapists create audio
recordings of their clients' songs which may be used
for sharing with friends and families beyond the
therapy room (Wigram 2005; Baker et al 2008), ways
in which the songs might become a final product (i.e,
a recorded song) and the therapeutic relevance for
clients of recording and performing songs have only
recently been explored (Turry 2005; O'Brien 2006)
and are still relatively unknown.
Participant performance in music therapy is not in
itself a new phenomenon: however, the idea of
therapists performing and creating products with
only recently (Turry 2001). In discussing the history of
performance in music therapy over the past few
decades, Ansdell (2005) identifies a degree of
discomfort within the profession in relation to the
integration of performance into music therapy theory
and discourse. He describes views from the
"consensus model" of music therapy which consider
performance as counterproductive, professionally
confusing and possibly even dangerous for ill or
vulnerable people.
Although music therapy has traditionally been
conducted within the context of a health or education
facility, some music therapists also view ill-health and
disability more holistically, as part of social systems
(Ruud 2004) . The concept of community music
therapy developed in part from a desire to challenge
pre-existing notions of the absolute necessity for
patient confidentiality and privacy. Instead,

Beyond the therapy room: women's experiences of 'going public' with song creations
proponents of community music therapy suggest that,
by taking an individual's or group's music out of the
therapy room (through performance for example), a
ripple effect can be created within the community,
providing benefits not only for participants in music
therapy but also for the communities to which they
belong:
Music is not designed for privacy or
containment - it naturally reverberates,
permeates, goes through boundaries and
walls. And in doing so it calls to others,
attracts, gathers, connects people
together. It creates community.
(Pavlicevic 2004: 16)
In recent years, music therapists have been working
with a greater variety of populations and many have
chosen to perform publicly with their clients. In this
way, the music therapy process may also include a
focus on products to be heard outside sessions (Turry
2001; O'Brien 2006; York 2006). Turry suggests that
publicly sharing the results and accomplishments of
the music created privately in a music therapy session
can be a way of developing a sense of achievement
within the client and can validate the client's internal
changes. Public performances of music created in
therapy sessions can allow cIients to share personal
feelings and expressions with others in a meaningful
way.
There remains a paucity of literature exploring clients'
perspectives on recording and performing processes.
Existing literature does provide examples of
exploration of participants' experiences of the song
writing process, with discussions on client
experiences in music therapy (Amir 1999; Hibben
1999), client experiences of song writing
(O'Callaghan 1996), an investigation of the lives of
songs created by children with cancer (Aasgaard
2002), and theories about the benefits of using
creative methods (including music) to assist in the
process of recovery from childhood abuse
experiences (Amir 2004; Austin 2001; Montello
1999). Turry (2005) is the first known author to
document a client's experiences of performing her
song creations outside the music therapy context.
Whilst Turry's client (Maria) and the music therapy
process they followed together were significantly
different from those described in this project, his work
with Maria serves as a useful reference for continuing
the discussion relating to how music therapy
participants experience "going public" with their song
creations.
As York's (2006) account of a qualitative research
initiative informed by feminist theory shows, rich
descriptions can be found in women's reported
British Journal of Music Therapy Volume 23 • No 1 • 2009
experiences of performing processes. The women
involved in York's research were survivors of intimate
partner violence and joined together to create an
ethnographic performance piece about their
experiences. York outlines various outcomes
associated with this project and describes the
experience of going public with their creative works
as offering women an opportunity for their voices to
be heard and for the message of thei r work to be
shared with a larger audience. She writes that
'finding the courage to speak out, to be heard, to tell
one's story, is a potent part of the healing process of
survivors of intimate partner violence' (2006: 263).
The main purpose of this article is to report on
participants' experiences of a song writing programme
with a particular focus on the impact of recording and
performing their songs. It is hoped that this will
provide music therapy clinicians with opportunities to
reflect on the relevance of recording and performing
creative works in relation to a range of clinical
populations.
The Programme
The programme on which this research is based was a
parenting programme co-facilitated by a social work
colleague and the first author. It was developed as an
initiative of the family support programme at a major
teaching hospital in Brisbane, Australia. Participants
were women who had experienced childhood abuse
and were currently struggling in their parenting roles.
Over a period of twelve months, three separate
parenting groups were held, each comprising 12
workshops. A total of 20 women participated in the
programme during this time. The programme
culminated in the recording of the women's song
creations and public performance of their work. A
detailed description of the clinical processes utilised
within this programme has been published elsewhere
(Day 2005).
Whilst performance was not the focus of the
programme, participants asked for this opportunity to
'go public' with their songs. They wanted to educate
others about the long-lasting effects of childhood
abuse. Although the creation and recording of their
songs was traumatic, the subsequent live
performances of their songs appeared to provide
participants with a voice they had previously lacked.
This voice was particularly significant for these
women given the silence and secrecy that had
surrounded their experiences of childhood abuse. But
how was this programme experienced by participants
themselves and what did it mean for participants to
'go public' with their song creations?

In order to explore these questions, a qualitative
research project was undertaken which involved
interviewing five of the programme participants 2-3
years after the programme was completed. This
temporal distance allowed participants time for
reflection upon the significance and relevance of
'going public' and offered a unique perspective on
how performing song creations may be experienced.
With reference to this study of women who had
experienced childhood abuse and participated in a
group songwriting intervention (Day 2007), the
current article focuses on the women's reported
experiences of the recording and performing
processes.
The participants
Potential participants for this study were identified as
all those who had participated in the three groups. Of
a total of 20 programme participants, names and
current addresses for 11 were held at the agency.
Plain language statements of the research were sent to
the 11 women, inviting them to contact the first
author; four were returned to sender. Of the
remaining seven women, five telephoned to arrange
an interview time. The interview participants were
Kelly, Maria, jane, Tracy and vickv', The women
ranged in age from 25 years to 39 years at the time of
the interviews", They had all experienced childhood
abuse and reported that they had also experienced
abuse in their adult relationships. The experiences of
these five women are described below, supported by
direct quotations from their interviews. This is
followed by consideration of issues arising from the
interviews that have relevance for music therapy
practice.
Kelly
Kelly was 36 years old and single at the time of the
interview. She had endured physical and emotional
abuse as a child and commented that her family had
been involved with the child protection authorities for
much of her childhood. She had experienced
domestic violence in her adult relationships and had
struggled with substance abuse throughout her life. At
the time she was referred to the song writing
programme, her two children were living with her;
they continue to live with her now. At the time of the
interview, Kelly commented that she was "off all the
drugs" and "life is great". She spoke of her love of
I Pseudonyms have been chosen to protect participants' privacy.
2 The project was approved by The University of Queensland
Behavioural and Social Science Ethical Review Committee and
informed consent to interview participants was obtained prior to
conducting the interviews.
Beyond the therapy room: women's experiences of 'going public' with song creations
music being the "biggest thing that got me in
[interested in the song writing programme] because
music is excellent". Her obvious enjoyment of the
recording aspects of the programme appeared to
overshadow any recollections of painful emotions
experienced during the creation of the songs. She
seemed insistent on moving on with her life after the
programme and commented very positively about
how her life was progressing in general.
Overall, Kelly found the recording process to be "fun"
and a highlight of the programme. She was interested
in the whole process of recording and has since
considered sound engineering as a possible career.
She had little difficulty singing her words, seeming
more focused on the excitement of being in a
recording studio. She comments:
That was the best of it actually... getting
behind that bloody... standing behind that
microphone, singing those words, it was
great. I really honestly felt like I didn't want
to walk out of there. I wanted to stay there
and I wanted to just go, just keep, it was
really good that recording. I really enjoyed
that... standing in there and listening to the
things in the earphones and the standing
there like you are a music star (starts
singing). It was great mate. I got a real thrill
out of that... made me feel really important.
She also described positive feelings associated with
singing in public:
It was good, emotional but good ... That
was a brilliant night, like we were all on a
massive high, I can remember it... That was
fun! I think it was good too because it was
the end and we'd done it!
Kelly considered it important that other people had
heard the group's songs (and hence their
experiences) :
You know we were doing something for
ourselves and we knew that we were doing
it for other people because we were putting
down on CD so that other people could
hear it... that was a big thing I think. A big
big thing because we'd all been to groups
before, we'd all been to that sort of stuff but
we'd never had it heard by other people...
Maria
Maria was between 31 and 35 years of age' and was
separated at the ti me she was referred for the
songwriting programme. Since she was three years of
3 Participants were asked to indicate either their exact age or, if they
preferred, an age range.
age, Maria had experienced sexual, emotional,
psychological, and physical abuse leading to some
periods of placement in foster care. As an adult, Maria
had experienced domestic violence. At the time of the
songwriting programme, Maria had two young
children living with her and her main support was the
Parent Aide Unit. At the time of the interview, she
continued as the primary care giver for her two
children and was in a "very happy" relationship,
living with her partner.
Maria came to join the parenting group through her
contact with the social worker at the Parent Aide
Unit. She thought it would be a "waste of time" but
found the programme to be "a strength" for her,
instilling confidence. Maria reflected on mixed
feelings of excitement and nerves during the
recording and performing process:
I was excited, a bit on edge I suppose ... I
had a fun time. It was well worth the hard
work that was put in to start off with and
was a great learning experience.
Further to this, she found the process of recording
empowering. She initially asked the music therapist to
sing with her on the recording, but while at the
studio, she decided that she wanted to sing the song
herself. She explained:
It felt good. It was important for me
because it was MY song and ME singing it,
so it means it came from someone who has
been through it... I wanted to sing it myself,
even though I've got a terrible voice... Sort
of starting out me wanting you with me
singing and then finding out I was next and
just wanting to go in there myself... that
was MY song 'cause I wrote it and I wanted
my voice on it.
Maria described mixed feelings in relation to the
performance. On the one hand she found the
experience of performing live intimidating, but on the
other hand she found that the positive feedback she
received from audiences made it worthwhile. She
said:
Gosh, it was scary. More scary in front of
high powered people because they really
don't always want to listen and we had
Judy Spence [Minister for Family Services]
and we had government people who were
there and they listened. I think that the first
time it was hard looking out at people, not
knowing what their expressions are going
to be and whether they are interested or
not. But afterwards it was a Iittle bit easier
looking out. My body was always shaking
though, still scared out of my wits about
British Journal of Music Therapy Volume 23 • No 1 •
singing about my experiences but I think it
helped when they (the audience) came up
to you after singing and sort of commented
on how powerful the songs were and we
got an even better response when they
realised that we wrote it ourselves as a
group.
Like all of the other women interviewed, Maria
commented on the sense of achievement she had
gained by recording and performing her work. She
said:
Not many people can say that they've done
what I've done. Not a lot of people get that
opportunity to experience that feeling. After
all that hard work, you get a reward after it.
Maria felt that through the public performance of her
work, she had contributed to widening the
community's awareness of the long-term impact of
childhood abuse. Considering her initial anxiety,
Maria was asked whether she felt it was worth
performing live. She said:
Definitely, definitely, because I may be
exaggerating here, but I think it was us that
started the ball rolling a lot more with them
listening to real women who have been
there and done that or more now than they
listened before. Back then, there wasn't so
much on TV and now there's a lot more,
and they seem to be funding a lot more.
Not that I'm trying to get a big head or
anything, but I think that us women in the
group started or helped to start it
Jane
At the time of the programme, Jane was 36 years old.
She was divorced, had one child residing in her care
and was pregnant with her second child. At the time
of the interview, Jane had given birth to a third child
and was living in a relationship. She reported that she
had experienced physical, emotional, and
psychological abuse during her childhood, with her
mother identified as the main perpetrator. She had
also experienced sexual, financial, emotional, and
psychological abuse during her adult relationships.
Jane came to join the parenting group through her
contact with a social worker at the Royal Women's
Hospital who thought that she would benefit from
attending the programme. She explained that she was
in denial about her pregnancy, thinking that "it will
go away". She described her experience of the
programme as "very foreign":
awful 'cause I was surrounded by strangers
who all appeared to know each other... (I)
didn't want to talk to anybody 'cause you
2009
 feel very threatened ... the last thing you
want to do is face anything.
In time, jane began to feel more comfortable with the
group, describing it as being "like a friendship group".
When reflecting on the recording and performing
processes, jane commented on being nervous on the
day:
I was like 'oh my god I can't do this!' I was
so nervous ... I thought I'd still have a go at
this. It was very nerve wracking.
She suggested that some exposure to the studio
environment, more rehearsal time, and providing the
women with opportunities to hear their voices
through a microphone before the day scheduled for
recording would have helped to decrease their
anxiety. She said:
I'd never been in a recording situation in
my whole life and to hear you singing into
this microphone and it's perfectly your
voice... it's exactly, perfectly you ... it's like
'oh my god!' ... There was not enough
rehearsal time. Because you are putting
yourself out there, nobody likes rejection ...
Not all of us have musical voices and that
can be really hard too ... it would just be
nice for those of us (myself is in there) who
don't feel confident with our voices to get a
chance to somehow like ourselves, our
voices.
jane spoke of feeling detached from her song as she
performed. She was the only participant who
commented on adopting such a coping mechanism.
She said:
I felt separate to it. To me, it was a
performance. I felt detached ... you really
listen to it and hear it for the truth that it
is and then you go 'right, I've got a job to
do now', so you switch off from that and
you switch into I've got a job mode. So
you switch your emotions off and you
concentrate on trying to put across the
best performance you can... When we
did the launch I thought 'I can do that!'. I
was as nervous as hell but I thought,
yeah, I can do it! Massive high!
She went on to say:
It was a good feeling to get to that stage to
record it... Getting to the recording stage
was like graduating, 'cause we had cake
and coffee and, you know, it was like the
climax of it all.
Beyond the therapy room: women's experiences of 'going public' with song creations
Like Maria, jane was motivated by the thought that
the women's performances of their songs would have
an influence on community understanding and
attitudes, particu larly those of people from various
government authorities. Unlike Maria, however,
jane's hope was not realised: there was no tangible
change as a result of the performance. She said:
I think what I was wondering about at the
time was how is this going to touch them?
How is this going to make a difference?.. I
think it was important [to perform] because
I believed we were going to make a
difference. I believed that we were going to
create some kind of change, or some sort of
new approach that was going to happen
quickly, but I think the sad reality is that
nothing happens quickly enough.
Tracy
Tracy was between 31 and 35 years of age at the time
of the programme, had six children and had given
birth to another child just months before the follow-
up interview took place. At the time of the interview,
two of her children were adults and living
independently. Tracy reported having experienced all
forms of abuse in her childhood as well as domestic
violence within her adult relationships. She also
reported ongoing substance abuse issues and had
suffered depression for much of her life. Tracy found
out about the group through the emergency housing
that she was living in at the time. She felt she was
accepted by the group given their shared experiences
but found the songwriting aspect most important for
her "because I'd always thought of writing songs".
Tracy reported low self-confidence, based on her
perception of her singing abilities:
It was scary, because I don't feel confident
singing ... It was just a bit overwhelming,
but I'm glad they [other women in the
group] had more guts than I did. They got
up and sang but I did not want to ... I did
sing a little bit.
This was discussed further:
Therapist/Interviewer: Do you think that's just about
the singing or do you think it's
about the emotion or content
of the words?
Tracy: No, for me it's just the
singing! (laughter) The nerves
bit. I don't think I'll ever get
over that now ... I've had the
opportunity to sing before and
I just know that I can't do it.
However, Tracy did acknowledge that her
contributions to the lyrics were important to her, even
if sung by others.
Vicky
At 21, Vicky was the youngest participant. She was
single at the time of the programme and had two
children, one who was living with her and one who
had been removed from her care by the child
protection authorities. At the time of the interview,
she had re-married and had just given birth to a third
child who was living with her. She was in the process
of re-applying for custody of her other two children
who, by this stage, were both living in foster care.
Vicky had spent some time in foster care during her
childhood. She reported emotional, psychological,
and physical abuse during her childhood and had also
disclosed sexual abuse during the programme. She
had experienced all forms of abuse in her adult
relationships.
Vicky became involved in the programme through
her contact with the Parent Aide Unit and through
attending a previous parenting group. Prior to
commencing the programme, she recalled asking
questions about it: when informed that it might
involve recording a CD, she expressed her negative
expectations. For example, she commented that it
would be distracting "doing music at the same time as
other things such as talking through your problems"
and doubted its value. In reflecting on the
programme, Vicky described mixed feelings about the
programme as being sometimes beneficial and at
other times stressful. She explained that she had
benefited from being around people who were
prepared to listen, shared similar life problems and
were non-judgmental.
Vicky experienced the recording as stressful, mainly
due to the personal nature of the songs:
Some of it feels closer to you than other
things, so that's a bit stressful... You've got
a real understanding, it's really emotional
and it's really hard to sing things when it's
about memories, your own memories, so it
was sort of hard recording... It was hard,
just so personal... I couldn't detach
myself... because they were actual
memories and they were really linked with
memories ... it brought back things at the
time that I'd never tried to deal with.
Vicky was asked whether she considered the process
of recording worthwhile:
British Journal of Music Therapy Volume 23 • No 1 •
Therapist/Interviewer: So, considering it was stressful
and quite emotional, do you
think it's worth doing?
Vicky: Yeh, it was worth doing,
because you are going to be
stressed anyway about some
things. I think it's important to
deal with it, you have to
anyhow one day so.
Vicky had concerns about being judged by her
audience. Her comments were directed specifically
towards the gender of the sound engineer, but
reflected her more general fear of being criticised:
I found it a bit hard with someone else
there, the person that was recording. And I
hate to be sexist cause I know a lot of men
have gone through the same thing, but
being a woman with a man there I felt a bit
uncomfortable sometimes, not totally... it's
more bei ng worried about bei ng criticised
or having the person think, 'oh, how
stupid', these women are just complaining
about this, or trying to get attention. It was
more like that ... but he was quite nice ... I
thought he might think we're stupid and we
can't even sing - what are we wasting our
time for? It didn't really impact a lot, just a
Iittle bit.
Vicky also spoke of recording the CD as something
that was never really important to her; rather, it was
something that she did because she knew that it was
important to others in the group. Now she does
express feelings of pride:
It was never really important to me as a
person, but I feel proud of it now.
Sometimes I tell people we made a CD and
I talk about it. .. I've achieved something
and I talked about something and we all
helped each other in the groups. I've got
good memories of that.
Considerations for music therapy practice
The analyses of the interviews confirm that the public
performance and recording of songs created in group
therapy can be worthwhile experiences in themselves
and also further extend the therapeutic process. These
activities provide enjoyable experiences that can be
seen as a culmination of, even a reward for, the
emotionally challenging work that has gone
beforehand.
While all participants found the recording and
performance of their songs worthwhile, the process
elicited a range of emotional responses. Coupled with
2009
feelings of excitement and fun, participants also found
the performing process stressful. These experiences
related in part to the anxiety felt by participants before
they were about to perform. These findings are not
surprising, however, and are perhaps a typical
response to performance situations. Even the most
accomplished performers experience pre-performance
anxiety. York (2006) describes the performance
process that came from a feminist music therapy
programme by women who had experienced intimate
partner violence. She suggests that a question-and-
answer session following the first performance by
women involved in her study provided validation for
their courageous work. She also explains the
importance for her clients of including additional self-
care exercises such as meditation, relaxation and
Reiki in the performance routine.
The participants in this project also expressed fear of
being judged by their audiences, this feeling being
common amongst survivors of childhood abuse.
Austin (2001) describes how adults who have been
traumatised as children need to hide parts of
themselves because when they first came forth they
were not welcomed, understood or valued and
instead were judged, rejected and shamed. During
the programmes, the women involved discussed their
feelings of being judged by workers and society as
bad parents and people. It is not surprising then that
feelings of being judged by audiences and particularly
the (male) sound engineer were expressed as a
possible deterrent to performing songs in public.
Audience constitution must be carefully considered so
that the experience is perceived as supportive and
responsive to the client (Turry 2005). The audience
for this particular performance included friends and
family of participants, music therapy and social work
colleagues, workers in the field of childhood abuse,
and a representative of the state government
department responsible for family and community
services. The participants received considerable
support for their performances, with many positive
comments being made directly to group members on
their willingness to share their experiences.
All five respondents spoke in some way of the
importance of writing the songs, recording them, and
singing them live as a way of reaching out to others.
Johnson (1987), in his article addressing the role of
the creative arts therapies in treating psychological
trauma, discusses the function of performance before
an audience as important in the treatment of
victimised patients. He suggests that empirical
evidence for this view comes from the many groups
that have used performances such as theatre for
public confessions and for raising consciousness
about their particular disability or unique experience.
Beyond the therapy room: women's experiences of 'going public' with song creations
This was certainly confirmed by the women in this
programme.
Most music therapy literature relating to the treatment
of adults who have experienced childhood abuse has
documented therapeutic processes as being informed
by psychoanalytic approaches (Amir 2004; Austin
2001; Montello 1999). Authors have suggested that
the process of therapy in this instance should be
confidential and private and typically does not
involve any third parties either as an audience or in
any other fashion (Aigen 2004). The women from this
project offer a different perspective on the value of
involving an audience in the therapy process if it is
desired by the participant. They indicate that there is
indeed therapeutic potential in performing works
created in music therapy in public, as suggested by
authors such as York (2006). This is important for
music therapy clinicians, as it confirms that
performing the songs created in music therapy may be
a meaningful extension of the music therapy process.
Conclusion
Overall, comments from women who participated in
this project suggest that by performing songs in
public, women survivors of childhood abuse may
experience a sense of accomplishment and pride.
They may feel they are helping others in the
community who may have been abused as children
by contributing to the alleviation of their sense of
powerlessness. Whilst participants found going public
with their stories worthwhile, music therapists need to
continue to be aware that a range of different
emotions may be experienced by participants when
recording and performing their material. Participants
in music therapy need to be prepared accordingly for
these possible emotions and therapists need to be
prepared to support clients through various reactions
to this process. Due to the range of emotions
experienced by participants in this project, it is
considered important for future programmes
undertaken in this field to include additional
workshops following the recording and performing
processes. These should be aimed at expressing and
processing the emotions relating to the performance
experience.
Acknowledgments
The authors would like to acknowledge the courage
and spirit of all the women involved in this
programme and would particularly like to thank the
women involved in the research for sharing their
experiences so candidly.
Toni Day MPhil, RMT is Co-ordinator of Clinical
Training in Music Therapy at The University of
Queensland, Australia.
Felicity Baker PhD, RMT is Senior Lecturer and
Program Director in Music Therapy at The University
of Queensland, Australia. Email: f.bakerl@uq.edu.au
Yvonne Darlington PhD is Senior Lecturer and
Postgraduate Coursework Director within the Social
Work and Applied Human Services at The University
of Queensland, Australia.
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