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Finding the Best Version of Me

I’d like to tell you the story of how I turned from a corporate strategy consultant
@Management Consulting in Amsterdam, into a sanitation expert @PT
Haskoning in Jakarta. I didn’t have a stroke of insight, nor did I win the lottery or
become seriously ill. It was a reflective journey with many struggles that led me
to a more abstract and uncertain, but authentic path. I hope this story will be
helpful or inspirational to you if you have any ambition to contribute to a better
world but “life” seems to get in your way.

In 2015, I had a conversation with a new-made friend on a recruitment event.

We discovered that we were both very driven to contribute to a more
sustainable world. To my friend, this meant working on renewable energy
sources, whereas for me this meant contributing to improved water
management. We shared the same ambition, but in practise, we were very
tempted to pursue commercial and corporate positions when looking for jobs. I
quickly recognized many familiar arguments in my friend’s story, as to why
those positions were also reasonable: “a head start into a career”, “I want to
learn first and apply my knowledge to sustainability later on” or “I can always
switch to sustainability later whereas the switch visa versa will be more
difficult”. We shared these arguments, valid as they may be, in a more rapid,
passive and lower tone of voice than our dreams for sustainability. The sparks in
our eyes when we were talking about our sustainability dreams seemed
extinguished by the practical reality. We mumbled some kind of approval of our
own arguments, but then exchanged an understanding look and returned to the
rest of the party.

During the 18 months after that conversation on sustainability, I decided to

figure out what I really wanted in a job so I could make a balanced and conscious
decision before graduation. I was surrounded by many people who value
sustainability and again, our eyes were sparkling with all the wonderful plans we
were making for our future. However, when we started talking about concrete
career decisions, similar counter-arguments popped up. It did not matter
whether people wanted to work in the energy, water, resources or
entertainment sector; we were all strongly motivated and encountered the same
difficulties in making practical choices towards anything perceived as less sexy
or secure than a commercial position. It took lots of time, coffee interviews, rest,
intimate talks, inspirational videos and some more time, for me to realize that I
wanted to “to do good”, “work in a dynamic environment” and “make an impact”.
Abstract as it was, it was something to refer to when 100,001 job descriptions
were thrown at me. Between Fortune 500 companies, NGOs, governments and
many intermediate job descriptions, I thought all three of my wish-list items
could be pursued at Management Consulting. I expected to work in a dynamic
environment and to make an impact in this large, well-oiled machine of carefully
selected-consultants. The “doing good” part needed a little imagination to fully
convince me. Together with the list of arguments mentioned above, I chose to
believe my “impact” at “doing good” would be much stronger when I was
working at Management Consulting than anywhere else. Besides, I told myself, I
could always switch to sustainability ‘later’ if this job would not make me
happy…

After joining Management Consulting in 2017, I was lucky enough to participate

in inspiring projects such as analysing the national business model of renewable
energy in the heavy industry, re-thinking the funding model of a children’s
hospital and speed-dating with refugees. Those projects definitely made me feel
like I was “doing good”, yet it did not ignite the same spark as the abstract
dreams I had in previous years. These projects were often squeezed in between
“normal” work and I realized that living my dream had now become a secondary
instead of a primary goal. Most of my time was spent in a rush, executing
someone else’s ideas and often looking forward to the time after the next
deadline. I realized I was not “living in the moment” during conversations or
meals, although being mindful is important to me. It felt like I was carrying out
plans that other people had made for me, instead of living my own life. It felt like
I was not in control of my own time nor contributing to a more sustainable
world. Looking back, this does not surprise me as the first important item on my
wish list (“doing good”) was not entirely compatible with the commercial
activities of the firm.

In an attempt to put my dream at first place, I looked for role-models who were
able to combine their work with a powerful spark. Luckily, there were plenty at
the company; some consultants implemented their dreams by waiting for these
few “social” or “green” projects (renewable resources, pro bono, public sector,
etc.). Other consultants joined the company’s ventures that have different
activities and mission (e.g. Energy Transition). Others had a concrete plan for
their time after Management Consulting to follow their dreams (e.g. become
Minister and contribute to regularity in the country’s expenditures). The
common factor of all these role-models was that they were the best version of
themselves today. They did not speak of their dreams in past tense, like: “I used
to be really involved in entrepreneurial activities or mechanics, but now…“.
Neither did they talk about their dreams in future tense without knowing what
they really wanted in a concrete, practical way, like: “in 2 years time, I will have
learned enough or saved enough money to do what I really want”. They focused
on their present activities and how they are using their present capabilities.

In the process of applying the “tips” and “tricks” of these role-models, I realized I
couldn’t simply “copy and paste” their activities. The activities that make them
the best version of themselves, are not necessarily going to make me the best
version of me. Instead of focusing on their activities, I started focusing on the
question “what would be the best version of me today?”. Which activities and
qualities make me feel most proud and respect myself while complying with the
financial responsibilities I have? That is when I returned to my abstract dream of
improved water management and living mindfully. I had to conclude that these
were not going to be by my core activities at Management Consulting at the time.
I did remember companies involved in water management from my activities in
the past (e.g. Royal Haskoning DHV). It turned out they were willing to hire me,
enabling me to be the best version of myself. Partly due to the skills I learned at
Management Consulting, I was finally able to get up the courage to switch my
main activities from commercial certainty to a sustainable adventure. The
investment of 18 months of reflection to discover my abstract dream and
qualities, has paid off enormously. Instead of waiting for a burn-out, mid-life
crisis or winning the lottery to make this switch, I am making it now.

I can’t wait to hear which activities would enable you to be the best version of
yourself today!