Laying the Groundwork for Good Behavior

A for A.111ecede11/s

A nrecedenr< are everyrhing rha r happ~ns immediarely hefore a be-

havior-how you addrcss your d1ild, whar rhe child 15 doing nt rhc
time, e,,cn rhc look on your focc, Want your cbild ro go to bcd on
time? To rakc a barb or do a chore? To wll you whcre ,hc's goi11¡¡aftt·r
school? To li,ren bcttcr orbe llllort: ¡,hysically active' What hap¡x:ns
bcforc cach of th<">é bchav,ors, or bcforc rhe momcnr you wam ir ro
happen. grearly affectS rhe likdíhood that rhe behavior wíll occur.
Tcmperamenrs and fomily s1 rn :uions do vary, and difforenr ch ddren
will be more or less opposirio11 ~1I or coopcrntivc (as any parcn r with
more tban onc chil<l will tell yo u), but ír's , rill true rhat tbc way you
u~ 1111rcccden,s ,an iníluencc ., chil<l ro do wha r you wish . .. or
ddamanrly rdusc to do ir.
,\mecedenrs míluence ali kinds of behavror in t:veryday life.
A wave from a friend is an antccedcnr: whcn you wa lk over and
say bello, rhar's thc bchavior cucd by thc wavc; and thc plcasurc of
human conract is tht..' conseqmm ce. A warning nor ro ear spoiled food
i!-. nn antoctcll'ot, too, and it's i.ntenJ'-'J to lc.i 3d 10 .1 crnain lK.·havior:
ea ring o nly food thJt', safe to car. lf you ignore thar antoccdenr anJ
s,;arf down mold..:ovcrcd lu n~hmc~r. you'rt purnng )'Our;,clf in 1111c
íor rhc nX'morabl, ncgati ve conscqucncc o( P,illnful and n>tssy stom·
ach rroublc.
When we ser ou r to use anrccedcn"s consdou:,.ly, wc do ir bcc:.1uc;c
wc'rc conJi<lcnt thát 3 c<:rtilin nntecedent has au i.n.Bucncc ou whJt
happens next. So, ont· person invile.J out to a fa111.:y Jinner might
smrvc himscl i all day to ¡;c:.,r up to takc max-imom adv;rn1.1gc of thc
01,ponunity, bu1 anothcr might c.1t a sn,1<.·k bdorc thc dinner ta im·
provc her !.'. hanc<.-«. of Cxt'rd-.ing modcmrion :ind nm ovcrcating whcn
faced with all that fa bulous food. ln both cases, rh<' dlnner gucst
consdou~I)' dot..•s :,omcthing bdorc :.trriving chat wiU ha\'t: an dfe<:t
0 11 ho w he or ~be bt~h,1vcs ~u d1e meal.

Hm rhi.: dfccr of antcccdcms is 11or ,1lways so obv1ous. Oftcn, in

íact, 1hnt cífect harpc,,s at :l lcvcl wcll bdow our o wn C004:C.1ous
scnsc of whar wc'rc up to. For cxa mplc, dwrc's a fascinating ;1rca
oí r~arch in psychology C':ll!ed "pruning."' which mol-d)' con1:1ists
of prcscnring ,uc-~ tO pcopli: and thcn having tht·m cng,lgC in ~orne
sccmmgly unrd arcd ao1vil)', likc solvrn¡t a log,, problcm or arran~·
ing. :J li-tt o f word~ in :1lphalx:nc,1l cm.ler. l'anicipants in thc cxpcri•
111cms are 1101 awarc of 1hc rdationship bcrwccn rhc primrng cuc
anJ rhc 3<.'t.ivity ,hcy th.cn do. nnd yct thcrc'!. 3 mcasurnblc cffoc,
o n rhclr bl'h<l\'ior. Shov..·ing tC1.t parddp:.11us a briefrase-~1:ming.ly
inc1dentally - bdol't· .ii,king thtcm to 1.'.0mpk rc a ta~k 111:iJe thent
mort' C'OlllJX'tiuvt', but a. ghrupse of .1 back¡>ack niadc thcin more
c.oopcr;itivc wi{h othcr ... Thc smcll of :111-purpno;c: dc-ancr m:idc
rhcm nca ter. Pnrri,ip,tlnts who werc gh·en a warm cup o( coffcc
to hold ccndc<l ro s1.:c thc pcrsonalitics of pcople ,her cni.:ountcri.!<l
J uring thl' :,ruJr :as: :l. lnrle mon: .. warm;' emutionallr, 1h a.n <li<l
part1c1pant.s who J1dn't hold :1 n 1p of coffec. \'{ft,c;n :1skc1,.I wl1.i.c
madc t hcn, fccl n1orC' co1npctit1,·C' or nc.1 t·minded, or why 1hey íclr
thar rhc str::mgcr rhcy cn..:ounrcrcd h:id J warm pcr'>Onaliry, rhcy
couldn't idcnr:ify rhe priming intlueoce a,;; a cue. The research o n
priming shonld rcminJ ui,. d1ar ,ve'rc oftcn unn.w~rc oí how ante·
ce<lt>nrs have- :.t srronp. eHt:ct ou o ur t houghts. íeelinµ:s., an<l acuous.
Hm thc fa, 1 th.tt wc'rc ofo:n unJ \V<HC of thar cffect docsn'r dcrrac,
írom t hc1r po wcr.
Wh<.·n ir com,·s ro parcnring, rhc firsr thing ro bcar in rnind is «lai
most o í us rd>• lOO hcavtl)' on ronscqucnres-pumshmcnts, tSpt'·
cially. but a l.:o rcw:1rd'i-whcn wc'rc rrying r.o ch;mgc ,1 child\• bc-
ha\'ior or mindse1.1r·s narural ro frxare on rhe hcha\'iors or anirudcs
,ve don't w::im and thcm rcac-r to thc,n with rcprimand~ or promiscs
oí big rew:1rd:,, to tr~· to gét rid o( 1he1n. neither oí whkh wurks Véf)'
wdl. 'lhe human brain is actually harc.l-w1rc:d to rcspond to ncg.11ivc
stiinuli, so p.a.rc-nts sccking to cha ogc t1wir .:hildrcn ·s bcba\lior luv.: to
push bac.:k again'it thcir own human rcndcncr to lx· bcn cr a r nmidng
:1nd rcacring ro negnrivc rhan ro posicb..·e thing~.
You wilJ hnvc more succ.:tss, nml Uh: will b1.~(.•;.1:iic r for you .111<.l
for rour ..:hil<lren, ií >'UU t-.ike more nJ ,•-:1nrage o( thc p o w d uf tHl t~ -
ccdcnrs. Thcrc's ,1 gn:ar dcal you ,an do in ad\!ancc rhar w1il make u
vcry likelr that the behnYior you w:int wi11 harr-,cn whcn you w .i1tt
ir ro) whcrhcr what you'rc afr(:r ¡,. ,;:omcrh ing vcry spccific. likc doing
homework. or somerhiag more general, likc lisrening co you more :.H·
ctn(lw:ly or :,p~akíng t.::,pcafull)' or bc:111¡; moré mottv,lted to gt<t off
thC' ..:ouch.
This m(•;,1n., thar )'Oll h:we to knO\\I whar bcha vior:<. JOU would liké,
:rnd whcn you wanc 1hem. \\7hc n you h:l\'Can idcn of whar )'OU 're
lookiug for. it's casicr to ust.· anrc~cdcnr:t ro mJ.kc ir happ~n. Tharalso
~t.'h you out of th~ habit of just nocicinp, whar )'Ou Jon't wanr, and
unwiuiugly rciuíordng it wuh )-'our ex~:,pt•r,1ted ,t11cn11on. 1'11 have
more ros.ay abour .tll tha1 in thc ncxt c.h.tpwr, wbich con...·cntrates o n
thc.~htha,·ior it..clt. For now, ll'r'-t ,:;tick tu antcccdcm,:;,

You r an1.c 1; tJtle 111s Loolk it

L1:r·~ .start wuh M>m e cummon aypt-s uf ~mteccc.lt.'.'nb. J'II ~o thtou~h

thcm onc by onc. \'(lh:n wc'rc domg her<- is purring sorne eqnipmenr
iJl your t0olk1t- w~ys ro ~ t up thc bch:wior you wnnr.

Prompls 31't> ,tmcceJ ent~ t hat J,rectly rn~U'UCI á spt:dlk bt>h.tv1or.~u1.::h

as .. PJc:isc plck up thc dothl'S on your floor now.'' Thcy ran LX' verbal
inst1'11ction~, wrincn or phy,ical 1.-uc.; (:1 nOtt" on tlw rcfriµ:L'l'.HM <loor,
a lisr of thingc; ro do, .:olorcd snrirs. of rape on che fingc rboard of a
chilJ.'s úolin to guidc Lhc placcmcm of h.is fingers), gcst urcs t waving
to somcúnc tO ctlml' in or go o ut),phy,;kal guidani.:t· (puning a child'<.
ha nd\ in rhe proper position on a mu,;ical insrrumcnr nr a roo)), or
,noJcling (dcmon,croting how ro huid o fork or jump rop,). Eoch
Lype of prompt can b~ useJ alone or in combinarioo, and each is Ji•
rt"<:tcd 10w.i rd promoring .t dcsm:d rct-ipon~ by ,onvcymg whac 11 1s
and , soo1cti111rs, how to don.
lt's n,nural rn fovor onc typc o f prompr. Typic:11 fo mil y lifc, for in-
stancc, s.ec111s to fcmurc agrear dcal of verba) insrruction in rhe fo nn
of shouring from room ro room. ,,·hkh doc-sn't produce much in rhc
war of d~Mr<'<l bd1:1\'1or~. ('ílle co1Ht'nt o( Lhe shoultXI sr:.m:mtm is
equivalenr to a pro1npt - '' Comc i~1 hcrc and dc::m up 1his mcss )'Oll
nudc!'"- but thc dt'livcry 10 thc for m oí a shout fro,n a Jist:mcc w1ll
unclcrminc rht• rc(]UC'S t ,md is mor t' iikd r ro lt•-ad to non('omp liancc.)
Bur combining differem kind'í oí promprs i-. 111uch mor" effocrive. lf
you tdl yo ur child co dcan hcr room. that mt~ln work, brn it wiU be
morC'dft'c1ivt, espcdall>· whcn yo'l.l'rc 1ust bcginning co rry to estab-
li,h thc hch:wior a, a h:i bit, if you tdl htr wh:tt )'0~1 want an<l Ihc.:n
sa)', .. Lct'~ go <;tan ir cogcrhcr," and rhcn go ro her room with her and
rnodcl thc bchavior lpick up onc piccc of clorhú1g off thc tloor an<l
puc ir iu tlw l3undry bag). Or you cuulJ t í)' rnking rurns as a prompt:
1 do 0 11<:, you J o om:.
M.any pa rcms haV(_° an almost i nstinCLivc rrsistancc to -1 do ont,
yo u do onc: .. ,md cnhc:r ~och .:;tr::itcg1C'-. Undcrsr.md.1bly. thcy wanr
rheir child to he ,ndcpcnden r., ~rnd rhcy ic:1r rhar hclping him do every
linlc rask will not rcach him to Jo thinh"S on ltis own. Bue chnt·s J mb-
pl:tced worry. h ºs e!fü.·ient and ef("''t"tive to hl' do:.e b) Jl 6rst :md m
hd p a lol r:ar1) in 1ra ining, bccause: imrfotms bt:h,1vior and gcmng che
C"arlr srcps going ar{' thr most d1íhc-uh pan. Fir1111ng up rhe habit l:uc r
o n 1~ rclativcly c.1~y. 1-\ ~ more of rhc hcha \•ior oc,ur~ (m(lrc dcnning
up o n her own, more homcwork rime), it works wcll for i.l parenr ro
MOJl oifcring promp[) and batk off.
Fmling r~fors ru rilé gr.iJu:il r'-'lllO\'ll of 3 prompt. lf you abruptl y
rcmO\'t' a prompr too carly in tr,unmg, you 111;,\ )' be mtcrfcring wirh
1·ht• c-st.1bli~hiog o f ;t h.ih1t. Out if your child Hi cnt,sist'('ntly doing thc
bchav,or " 'hcn )' Ou prompr her to, )'OU can bcgut to rt ducc and fi.
nally omit thc prompr. For cxJrnplc reoKhing ~ nw onc.· ho w
9 tó serve
in tcnni,;; or how rn play rhe piano may ind ude remindcrs (prompro:;)
rcgarding how tú hol<l thc ra¡,;kcr or how to pla..:<: fingcrs on thc kc)·s.
As the begii111t!r learns. che narure oí d1e prornpt 1111)' c.:hangt> -from
.. , lold your fingers l1kc thi~ .. (wllh t hc re-Jdlí; r modding thc: pos1-
tion) ro 1ust sa>•ing thC' word {ing.ers \V-ithout Jny othcr ,;rnh.' tntllt or
mo<lding. Al~, ynu can providc promrr., k"" frcquc ntly. Thc corrc,-ct
behaviors are reinforc.:ed withour rem¡ndcrs, and 'ioon rhese behav~
lors <lo nor nccd to be prompwd u t aJJ, or o nly vcry rardy. fiually. t hc
behavior is rd nfur1.-eJ wirhou1 pr<->lltpt!I.
lf you are gomg to use jusi a verbal pro mpt, it hclps 10 rcmcmbcr
th:u thc more concrete .rnd spcútic the , tatcment, cho lx-ttcr. "Ple::i.;c
bring me th,· phonc" is much bcm.•r rh:m ''Could you bri n~ me rhc
phone?" (an opea-t'nded quesdon rhat n:JruraU>• leads a 1."hll<l to think,
"Yt"t- 1~rn, <t1p::1blc of brmgmg yo u tl1c: phone,"" bur no1 ucct:ss,.H'ilr to
9

bnng you t hc phonc- right no,v) or 1ust '' Bring me che phone," a com·
m:md th:1tdimm.1tl•o; ali pc.:;,ibility of choice, wit11 b.td c:ffc,:n. J will
gct ro in a minute. Sorlt thc opcn-cndcd qu~rion and rhc imperious
command ~r~ les:s cffc4."t1vc than m,1kiog u politc and ; p<.·dhc r1.,quc~t.
Similarly, "'Fix your shoes! You·n> nine yetu.s o1d!" is v<.!ry undea r
an<l opcn~nded; "Plc~~c llt' )1~>11r shoch11.:t:s'' 1-) much more likdy ro
prod urc dtt" rcsults )'OU want.
A.,, )'OU e.1n prohahly ,cll, t hi: .. plc-a~'" mattt.•r,; a grcar d<:,,1-borh
hccau..-.e ir .;:01weys a ~nsc of choice ro a chi)d :md hcc~rnsc ir ~rvci¡
tO t.:Onm.>I yoor own tone. 1t'5t h,1n.k'r tO ycll anJ 1i,pcok harshly whcn
yuu bt>gin wuh " pleas"." Choi~, 1.1 warm ront-·, a nd politenl.".SS :111 help
t0 produce thc:- rc.sult.) )'OU w ,ml, os 1'11 cxplnm wh,:n I tell you 3boui
01hcr sons. o( a111ccedcm~.
Firsr. though, onc smry ahom e-he impona ncc o f tone nnd "picasen
asan recedcnrs. One oí rhc morhers who c:m1e- ro r.he Ya lc P:1renting
O.:mcr for bclp co1nplainc<l t.har her ninc-ycar-old c.Ja.ught\:r, Rcna,
uevl'r lt.sti:neJ to hl'r wbcn i.he :i-.sktJ her to s<arr humt:work. prac•
rice hc:r ílutc, or hclp with sc-rting or dcJnns che LJblc. f askcd t hc
n1orhcr ro prercnd I was 1-ho ch1Jd to sec hnw shC' Jsked Rcnn to do
somcthing. Thc- mothcr madc vcry dcar .sta tcmcms about what ro
Jo: .. Go ro your ronm and ~tart pr:J cricing your Autc."Thc .;ontcnt u f
rhc prompr wa, pcrí<.'l't in d~Hit)'. But thc mue wa~ .i littlc har;h and
shc m:1dc no cffon co sofu:n rhc rc.:qucst, which thcrcfori: folt more.:
like 3n orJer. T he murher'!. oarural IOlll' u! voi..:e ~oumfoJ hJrsh to
bcgm with,cvcn whcn i,he w.is iu!t• ta11cing about w mcthing with 1m:
o r with thc s.raff at 1hc r arcntiog Ccorer. tind when sh,• 1,r,okc to her
daughrcr, it was CVl'n a hir hMsht.·r.
Thcrc is more t0 gcrring complinncc from o child rh.tn tone of
\'Oicc and prcscorariou, but J barsh wnc .:au ali by itM:lf J.;ad co noo-
coinph:ince. Wt' ha<l rhc mother p ra..:tke putLing "'please" in íront
oí her rr;qucsts. \\í'c :.1skt·d her ro smilc a ltnlc:, roo. Tht" .. picase" aud
thc smíl<.> hcl 1x-d ,,rnkr thc rcqucs1- mucli lcss harslt- thcy at OllCC
conrrollcd how rhc morhcr madc che srnmnenr (more .swccrlyJ ancl
in rhe process raised rhe liktlihood rhar thc ~hild would comply. (Try
i1 yoursdf. Evcn if che comcnt of a commanJ is ~r,.:rn. ir SOlmcb gcn-
1ltr if you smllc and say •·pk asc" 1whilr issuing it.) Wc also had thc
mothcr pr:1criCL' going ovcr to her d;rnglnér :mJ ,;¡wakmg mort: <;uftly.
<;o rhc fnll rackagc WA<. ro say "'pk·a~c,- srnile, .md go doscr ro rhc
chilJ ,o Rea,·, nlothcr ,011l<l <pC'1.k more softly ond ,till he hcard.
Rena almosr in~ramly began to ,.:ompl)• morl:' oft..-n wirh her mother's
rc1o.JUl'M~ ;mJ v1nuall)' :.toppcJ .irguing .rnJ t.ilking bac.:l, wh1<:h l1aJ
bc-cn a probk1n bcfore.
Nene thar wc didn•r a~k R<:m1·, mmhcr ro he any more lenicnt
o r to cha nge her policics ar all. \Vc- ju,;r hclped her make a couplc of
~light chang1,,.~ l1l che ronc of her anrc..xdcnrs.

Se1ti11,:, evttnts inílucn,c a b(hav1or w1rhour offurmg a ,.hrc..:-t, nar-

ro wly fucu.scd pro111pt. Thcy ser thc st.1.gc- for a bcha vior. For 1ns1.11tc!',
rcading ro a roung child 10 hd p him wind down bcforc bc:Jrimc will
increasc the chance~ o í a smoorh 1ramirion to .;,Jeep. Scrring cvents
C:Jn be broa<l in :,eopc or vcry <:,pecifü:, anJ rht)'r~ u!icd rhroughout
..-wrrd:iy life. Tht- á n.u3mun cookie smdJ w:ihiug tbro ugh thc ho uS(•
o n displ:.1y br .1 realtor or rhc: ~oft 1nusic onc: ht'ilrs whcn boarding :i n
.tirplnne are- ~crnng C\'C11ts for Jcsircd outl."omc1o: nrnking .u, offer 0 11
a housc, 1.lkin~ )·our sca1 calml)'· Farcnts argu1ng bdore Si:hool can
he a o:ctring evcnt for rhcir chifd bcinH noncomp1iJm .n 'i.;hool an<l
getring inro ,muble. \Y/e can break down 4iCtting e\•enrs funhc r inro
whcthcr rhcy makc n bcha\'"ior ntorc or lees~ likcly ro occur.
Dr1:~i. codes in i.d1ool~ are j. d,i ssic secdng, ewnt intenJt'<l to pro-
more disdplincd and ordc:rly l:,ch3vior. Drcss cocles m rt,<~t;tur~mu,,
si1111huly, doo'1 ¡llst gh•c thc proprictors ao cx..:usc to c~dm..lr some
pcoplc; thcy'rc al'-0 inrcndcd to incrc:.1 '-C rhc likcllhoud th:n dn.·s-.cd-
up cusromers will behnve coorreousi)', Cl\•tng ,1 child n good•narured
\'.h:.11lcngl.! {"I bcr yuu can't do chis") Í!<I ofu.m an dfoni.vc ~cningcvcnr~
l)c'.l'-:tuM." it hdps 1uotiv:Ht' the d lild ro rry ;) ()l.-'ha\ 1or, 1nae:uoing tht'
1

likdihood rhat i1 will happcn. l know of no gi;ncra lly acccpn·d sc• -

cmific expl:!.narion for cxacd>• why chalJc-nges work so wdl, bur thc
rcscan.:h dot'.S suggcst sorne possibi liries. lt -.hows us. rh,n compcririon
is n territic morivaror, and ir"s possible rhar .1 challcngc sers n¡) :ut un-
plic<l compcdtion with ~01m: ~tanJ ar<l. Hkc a runner h.'Sñuy himsdf
agamst thc dock. or with .1 peer group. Thar's wh~· tL can hdp ií you
add to thc challcngc '-<>methinl{ likc "lt's: OK if yúu can't do ü nüwi
be-cause it's rcall)' hard for a kid your ;tg_l', Bur maybc whcn you'rc
oldcr . . :·
A serting ewnt 1.:an :1l!.u make a behavior l,·ss likclt w happc.•n.
füumg .1 b1g mcal bdon: rou go 10 rhc ~11pcrm.~rk1:r dt-c:tcast~ thc
chances 1hat )'Ou i ll bu)' a Jot of food thcrc. S01t1c convcnicncc storc
nwncr, pipe d.a(skal mui-ic 0 11r tO thc parking lor tn dccrca-.c rhc:
likclihood 1har rccnagcrs will choosc m loircr ncar rhl' srore. And,
a!lc Rcn,ú, motbcr l~rncd, or<lcrin,g a chilJ ro Jo M.>mcrhing with a
dn ll sergcan.t tont urnk~s it lc)IS hkefy tb:lc the child \\'ill Jo it. '" You
gct ovcr hcn.· nghr rhis sccond! .. 15 a prompr, but rhc har~h tone and
stcrn tada l CXJ'lrcssion " '1th ,vh1d1 a parcnr dclhicrs that pro111¡:n also
coni:; rimrc n .s<.·tting cvcnt rh.n m..1lccs 1r lc:~'i likdy rh.u rhc chH<l will~
in tac[, gct over rhere righc ,hcn.
lf thcrc·~ cvcn a whiff of tocrdon in á <:ommanJ -anJ in this
t':<:unpl<:' rh.:r<.>'~ muc:h mor.: tlun a whiff, ~ini..'l' th<.> chLl<l is given 110
.1:,li1mncr of choice m rhc m,ttrcr - thc c;h1ld io: lcss likd)' ,o comply.
Onc iorerprt.'tatio,1 of why rhat=s so 1,; that bci11g coerced c,·c11 a llttle
lcads a child to aoucipatc conscquC'nccs h"'s 11..kely to t('grc1. Tha1 tsi
thc .. ur dsc" in thc implic<i ..do ir. or clsc" h .i conS(.'qucncc.ancl th3c
shadc.. rhc child'~ rcacuon ro thC' '"do it .. pan. Pcople in general are
risk-:n1crsc. :rnd t hc chilJ rcsp011ds ro ~om,'C.>•1c trying m force him
ro do X with the ..:onviction rJ1at X 1s not ~omethtnp. tht child would
0 1hcrwisc do and thcrcforc mighc have somc undc:sirablr: cffcns fo r
him. A s<-'Cond i11:rcrprc1,u1on 1s 1h:n bcing to1d to do son1c1 l1111g 1s
mildly Jvcrsivc and lcad" to escape hchavior. Onc co;capc bchavior ¡._
not to do whar you're heing rold rn do; another is leaving rhe sirua·
Lion. Force. or che thrcat of ir. is a .,·t·rsive an<l ÍU\'okc-s J reriction.
With almost áU)' mfl.sage, how u·~ Jdivt'r~ can diua1c \.,.hethér
yo u mercase or dccrcasc thc chance..: o f a cenain bc:havior, For cxam -
l' ll', horrls wan1 gucst~ to rcu"c thc1r 1-owcls, which ..:on~rvcs cncrgy
and sa\'eS mom.'y. Thc usual rcqu<.~t i~ ..:omcrhing likc " Hclp san· che
enviroumenr ::ind reuse your rowel~"' Th:n purel)' radonal :1ppronch,
ba~cd on a bclit·f 1hat C\'Cryon<.' woulJ reuse cowd:,. il th-.:)' Jusr und1.·r-
s1ood ho ,,1 1mporcanr ic 1s. doc-sn't \\ Ork ""'>' wcll. Undcrsrandmg 1s
.t prí'rt)' poor 1111)ti,•smr to cump1y with -a tcquc:-,r: pcopl<· who -,mok<:
undcrsrnnd rh,n ir·s bad for rhem~ but thcy do il any,va}r. But 1f thl'
horc:I ad,h ru Ihe mcss::igc somc sttuc1ncnr about orhcr guesrs rcus-
ing rhcir lOwds, u aeacrs rhc impression rh::n reusing tow<!I:,. is ,1 so-
,1,,l norm, wluch is a Mrongcr moi:1v.uor for co111pl1;m..:c ami thercby
nukc.s conscrvation 111u..:h mor<· ltke:ly ro oaur. So thc.· mcssagc should
s:1r ,omc1hing 1ikc "Thr(•c out of c::very four pcop1e who 1;r,1y iu thi.:;
room ha,•e reuscd rhcir rowcls'" and then makc rhc rcqucsr. The infor-
111:atl(ln tba t othcr~ a ré Joing it i.s a ~i.:tting, cvcnt that gt<..•,1tl) incr<.':'ISCS
1

th(' likrli.hüo<l of Lhe gut•s.r t'n~,1~ing in the JC'sir~<l beluvior.

As a pal"C'n&, s.Jying to your four-yr:ar-olJ, .. , ky, 75 pcr,cnt of other
íour-year·olds brus:h thL'lr l'Cí'th .. is n't going to \\'Ork. But you cmt :1;,1y
,;¡omcthing l ikc "You don'f hJ\'<' r<) hro"h rour K"Cth nnw"- or, Jur-
ing roiler trai.ning, '"You don'1 ha\'c co use rhe roilN "º"'. - " because
)'Oll '11 bl.' abk ro do Jt \Vhcn you :irc a biggcr boy." hwoking che .. blg·
ger boy"' i~ a ,.,.a )' o i S3)•ing rh:u all b1g boys brush thdr tt'ct.h, so
)'ou'rc o ffcr ing a sodal norm by ~aying rhat manr pcoplc do it, prrd
1:ihr:1sing it as a ch::ill('ngc, tmd you'rc oífcru1g cho,cc, ali oí which
incrcasc fhc chances of st11.:ct•ss.
 Hcrc's a s11muion I cncouu1crcd at thc Parcnuntt Ccntcr th,tt could
he addn.·s,;cd by conccnrrating on scrring cvcm'-. 1 was working wirh
a fuinilr oí fo ur thar included morher, fa rhcr, a scvcn·~'ear·old girl.
an<l a thrcc-ycar-olJ boy oainc<l ~fax. Thc <laugh,cr bru,hed bcr
teerh with no problcm, b lll M om anJ DaJ t:oulJ nut gi:t Ma.x ro
brush h1s tet1h on a regul,tr basis. O ftc11 lhc pan:nt.s- almosr alwa)'"
thc 1110 1hcf-would take ).fax to thc bathroo,n and stand thcrc m
warch him brush hi,;; ,ccth. Thcrc w ;.1-.: us;ua lly a Aghr. :md oft<.'n t¼u;·
morhcr "wnn .. b)' getring .\1lax ro pur rhe toothpasre 011 rhc hru"ih :rnd
bru:,h for ju:,i .1 fcw sc¡,;onds. Thcn che nrgum\!nt woulJ sltifr, pri:dkt-
ably, tu whethcr or not a fcw ~c.:uJ1J~ "'cuuui.....J" .ts h>Olh bru.1>hi11g.
Mom, who was normal!)• a prear casy~oing pcrson, found hi:rsdf
saying things likc .. Yo ur tccth a re all goiog 10 rot in your head :iod
pcoplc ,vill !-.t~\ '\Xfho'!- rhat parhcric old morhlt'S~ man?' and 1'11 say,
' Oh, hc's noc an old man; that"s my son, Max, -aad he nc.•,·cr brushc<l
hi:, ta:eth propcrly: ·· :>he: al:,u foun<l. he~d f t:ompJring \.fax 1..mfovor-
ably ro 1\ls SISl{'t: · Your stSter brushcd her tccth cvcry nir,ht wuh no
problcm whc:n .,he ,v;1.:. your agc. \Vh.u·s wrunp: with you?" Comp,1t·
ing a c hild ro a sibling tikc t his usuaUr lowcrst rarhcr rhan rai.scs,
your ..:bances of gcttlng. thc hchnvlor )'Ou wánr. becausc it comp.iri..·.,
him to unl)• on<.> orher person. as oppoS<.•<l ,o social aorming tas thc
ho1d :,tr.1t<g)' i::; ,..t.llcJ), whid1unpl1~ thtH mauy, m:111y J)<Oplt' prctty
much likc hinl ,arr) out thc- bchavior. Also. che comp.ui.sons w1H
build :-.fax's rc~ntmcnt roward hi'> ~i:.t4•r, which could ¡-um into ~1
i;ignificam dism.1crion and lcad him ro avoid hi~ parenr.s a linle more.
So thc ¡,;ompari~on~ dt.~rcascJ tb.c p;m:m:,' ..:han..:c.·~ of gctting woth
brushfog írú1u Mas on :t rcagul::ir b:lsis.
On<.'.C in ,, wh1lc ,he 11101-hcr wo uld cake rile bruslt from Max an<l
st.an brushing his t<'Nh hcrscH. but this rcqu1rcd a Iittlc fo rce a nd thc
.sítu,mon dctcnorarcd from rh,,.rc.·: ~fax crici!. rile.· frusrrarcd mothcr
oíren hru,;hed vengefull)', mcltdow-n.s ensu<.-d. r\s often as noc ~om
jusr lct it gu. not t vcn borhcring 10 rdl Max ro bru~h h1s rCt:th . sincc
tl:us Jrama O\.'CI' too1h brm,hing wo,ul<l inrcrferc: wnh a pt"'Jc,:fuJ ~J.
time, ,rnd shc wasn't willing to risk it. lkncr a we11 rcstcd chilJ wttlt
4

h.td o ral hyg1cnc, sltc hgurcd, than a child who',¡¡ both slcep·dc¡>r1vc<l
nnd roncn-t001hcd.
 \'(leaskcd rhc morhcr 10 pracucc dchvc-ring aotC't."Cdc111s 111 a d1(·
fcrcnt Wc .io;kcd her to walk Milx to thc h3rhroom :md say. in
W.J)'·
a calm and evcn nonch.ik1nr w::iy, "' I would likc you ro hrush your
rccth. ~,(o:,r ,hilJrcn who ,1rc four or fivc }'l.'ar~ olJ brm,h thcir rccth.
U rou Jon'1 wanr to o r c:::u1't Jo ic, t haL's OK . .M::iybe 1u~L ri.Jtst' your
inout h wuh a mouthíul of w,u~r." Su now shc's usinJt social norm ·
ing by tclling him that mosLchildr,cn his .tgc and oldcr Jo 11; sbc'~
o ffcring an implicir bue good·narurc<l ch:1Jlcngc hy im.·luding ••¡f yo u
do1ú w.inr ro orcan'r J o i t''; she',; oft'cring a choice by rclling him he
Jocsn'r hJvc: ro <lo it; ,rnd :i.hc's g1.:ning rid o i her own ,ouc of <lc:,pcra-
tion aud of amicip:u lng the btushing b,utl~, bOLh uf ,\ hich <lecrea:,,,t'J
thc likd,hood o f gcn ing any tooth brushmg om of Max. (And1 o n
thc hchnvior sidc, wh,ch wc'II gct 1-0 in 1hC' oc-xt ch:tpter, h-a\'iog Max
rinsc out his mouth is a good stan coward shaping rhc foil bch,n-ior
shc wancs, and she's :,lso using what"s callcd .. respo nse pnming "' hy
taking Max to rite bathroom. rhc first MCP w ward bru:.hing hi~ rccth,
wirhouLJ cmandin~ rhc wholc scqucncc <.'vt'r~· umc.)
So thry tric,:...l a f~w nights oí rhc ncw :i pproíl~h. At fit ~\, ~ax
washcd out hi"i mourh but didn't hrush. T hc n1o ther reponed bcing
a.ble w s1.1y low·ker, nonchuJnm. Tht.· nighr-. wcrc r,lc-asam-a lirrk
rinsr o( the n,ouch 3nJ thl'n oíf to b•.:d, with no sc<'nes. On rhc founh
nighl, he ,,aid he woulJ hkc..· to tí)' brus:liiug hi~ tcc1h. Thc modu:r diJ
not 1umr up aoJ dowo (shc uodcrs'lood that dC'spcration ..:ould turn
off thc hch:ivinrt but s:1id that wa:,. .. nic.'.C" anJ :1<.kcd if he w:.mtcd
her ro come in with him. He 5.aid 110 , bru,hcd hit. rrcch, :md Mom
walh-d him to bcd. Hi> brcath ,mtUcd likc fr<,h toOthpa>tc onJ ,he
commenh:<l how great thar '.>melled an<l what a big boy ht.' w:H, to
bru)h h1sow n 1<.'X:'th - Just likr: ~,tom ::inJ D::id J id. bht was 1mpn:s~<l
wu h 1hc clrn ng(.'$ ln rhc child; wc wcrc imprcs.scd wi1h her carC'ful
prncticc of thc antcccdcnr.:: with u,; and thcn her c~cnmon on che:
harrld ield-which wac:, in fac r, no, n h::mleñcld OO}'m orc:.

H,,:b• ant{ lmv-µrc,bab,lity Tl'l/lU'Sl:s. l')t-opfe Jo somc rhin.gs mort'

rcadil r th.1n othcrs whcn rcqucs.ts Jrc- madc o f thcm. Rcqu<.--sts l1kdy
to be complicd with are rC'Í('rrcd to J~ high·¡>robability rcquc.;rs:
"Picase come hcrc and hug me," íor ins1ance. or -Picase hdp Ul(' 6n·
ish ,hi" 1,·ftovcr .:1pplc pie.'' Orhcr rcqucsts 1n.1dt.• h)' p:ircnts .. ,allcd
low·probahiliry requesrs, a re fclis li kcly ro he complied wirh: ''Plc;1(¡('
do your chon.-st for instam::e. or .. Pk-a:,c ::i-rnrr your homcwork."Thc
Likehhood oí ::i chiJJ complrinG witl1 u low•probabilit>' requ<.-*St can be
greatl)' incn:ased by prcccJing it with t\\O or rhrcc h1gh·probab1ltt)'
tC'qucus- 1hat js, cmbcddrng so01c rcqucsts ut che co1ltcxt oí othcrs
can incrcasc compliancc. lf you wanr ronr child w do rwcnry minurcs
oí homework and shc rcnds ro rcs isr, >'OU c1111 begin ro devclop rhar
bchavlOr br firsr asking h<:r to Jo sumcthlug M11:·u usuafly Jo witb no
probtcm, like foeding rhc fish or bri nging ~·ou somethiug. Or tlke bt"t
to rhc storc: ,md ask her ro picase go gct a spc..:ific itcm thac shc likc,;
and put it in thc ~hoppiog can . Jf you stan w,th rhosc h1gh·prob·
ability rcqucsts ,rnd rhcn go to thc low·prob.ibilirr rcquc-.{, "' Nov.-·
picase ger smrred on your honwwork.,.. it's more likcly ro sun.X!<.·d.
Yo u n11gl1t cxpt:él thnt :'I chílJ ht,~ ~· lirmteJ éJp,1,;:1ty for doini:; whnr
shc's cold, a capadty you Jon't wanc to wasre by piling up mvi.al
rcquc-srs tO do thing,;, but rhc rc,-car~h tells U!i thc o ppo.,irc: rhcrc·s ;1
kind of bchaviornl momcnrn m, a ,cndcnq• for cornpliancc ro pcrsisr,
ao<l you ~an get it going wittl a series uí high·probability rc:<¡uc~n,.
Here·s a gooJ prn,.:tical example. A re-am ot res<.•,m.:hers Jescrilx-
a -.:,m.· 111 which the go,d was ro g1:r ~, 1wcntf·two-111011 tl1·old chil<l to
coopc-rarc w1th a complcx mcdt..:al proccdun.•. Thc bO)' liaJ a sen·
N• S howel com.lirion thi?t rct1uircd mulñr l~ ,;urgcrics. ,md he hnd a n
imravcnous linc rhar had to be l'.arC'd for by his parencs. Thc lin k·
b<>y woulJ nor kcep ,rill. He ki.:kcJ, he pullcd :n ,he stcrile linc, he
made (j(e diJticuh for him~df and h i~ parem!.-. Th~ low~probabifüy re•
qul.!Sr wa~ to ho1J still so thc me..111::al proctdurc- coulJ be completr:d.
Gcuing compliancc was achic\•cd by hrst go1ng through ~omc high·
prohnhility rcquc!-rs: "Ttn1ch your 'hcad/' ··,ay ·~1t:im/" .. Blow :Vfom
a kiss," and then "Hold srilJ.'' The lnst rc-quesr, a (Qw•probabiltr)' re•
I.Jlh,:St~ w-as mu,h 111orc likch• ro lcaJ to co111pli,rn..:..- whcn prc,.:cJcd by
che Jirst chr<."t', all high-probabiliry !l'equt>b.
And of ..:ourse, th1s rc,hnique works m tht' othcr dm:,tion. My
ad\'1Cc to prctccns a11d tccn~ is 10 L11~e h1gh~rrobah1luy rcq ucMs. lihcr·
:tll)'· :lnd not to Jusr stan oul wuh '"'Can I ha\'C :t SC('ond cdl phonc?
1low ahom a car?" ·n e t<.'C.·n who dr;iws on thc: lc..i,son.:; of rh i.:; b0<ly o f
rc;S<.>arch will begin wirh high-prob,1hiliry request~-" .May I kis~ your
check jgain bC<.,'auSC you are rhc bcu pari,:llt cwr? CouJJ I ser rhc <lin-
ner t:1ble :ind J o :lll oí the dl~he-~ by- iuyself wnigbt? 1 woulJ like an•
mhcr ,hure so I c;u1 do more co hd p maiumin rhc housc'" - .rnd tbe11
tack on 1hc low-prob.,biliry rcqucq hcrc. Aod u w1II hclr to allow
p.a rcm-. a fcding of choice (of which more hclnw): " Could 1ha\'C onC'
oí rhose lrnlian spom cars for m)' birrhdny? Eithcr rhc brighr yellow
o r rcJ woulJ be hnc." OK. 1 offor rbc- aJvkc to n•cni. whh tonguc U1
check, but the unJcrlyíni?, pranl'iph: u 1 plá~' is 110 jokt'.
And ,h1s isn·r just .1bou1 parcms and childrcn, of cour.sc.·. During
a study oí rcal-lih:' .situatiOll"i u1 \\,·hic.h hostagcs wcrc rnkc-11 during :l
robbny, :.rndio rran'-Cripts from thrcC' robbcrics allow<.>d :.1 r<'st•,m;hcr
to break clown mccractions berwcen rhe hosrnge rnkcr and law en-
for~c:nu:111 :igcnt~. Rt.-quest::t m.1<le of t he ho:,.r"'Jgt' t-Jkt.r thin ,, t:tc cfo.::t-
sifird as high-probabHiry-likd)' ro be compllcd w1d1-1nduded
"How can wc t:·Ontact rour wifr?"' ;rnd .. Picas" s¡x;II th:n nt1mc for
lll<' ... Thc low-probabiliry rcqucqs wcrc thC' ,;ricking poim.s: "Givc
up :'I ho!l-t~gc-; "Go to thc dour \vi,h ~·nur h,,nds up." Thc résuhs
showcd cha, rhe hchc-ag,e cake-r was mul'h morl.:' likd) co cumply wich
a low-probabili1)' rt:qu1.·:,.1 1f it w.i::t ¡pr«C'dcd by rhrc,'t: or mt1r1."' high -
l'lrob-abilit~· r-cqucst:s.

C:lmice. As I mcn ñoncd bcforc, choice i!i an anrel.'.cdenr. IÍ a child íeels

that h~ ha~ :., clioicc ;.1bo11t whcthcr to do wha1's ai;kcJ of him. hc's
mor1.~ likdy fO <lo j1, The ,hoice rnn be t:mpt)' oc trivial to you, but
it'::t not to him. " l'ur on :;1 3ar;ke1; wc;'re gomg outsiclc" migh1 b~ suf-
ficicnt to gc1 thc bcha\'ior you wan~, but ··r lcasc pu1 011 yüur 1.tckct
o r a .swcJrér-it'.s your chokc- and w,:'11 go oursidc" is much more
likrly co work. Especial!}' as rour child gcrs oldcr., you wnm co loo k
íor opponuniric::t ro gh1c rcul ..:hoicc~ bcrwc1.·n ahi:cn~Hiv"~ thJt are
both a 1X t'p1:1.bk~ Lo yoo. lí )'ou're ff)'utA rn gct a 1·duc 1:1111 child i_n ..
tcrcstc::<l in music lcssons but you ,don'c -.:-are ilS much .1bout wha,
~pc..:16c instrumcnt he pla),i;, r o u m,g ht takc hun 10 a mu-..ic storr and