Space Jam 2

SPACE JAM 2
Written by
@ashergr
2000 Avenue of the Stars

Los Angeles, CA 90067
424-288-2000
INT. BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
A YOUNG BOY (14, headband) rotates around the three point

line as an OLDER KID (16) feeds him the ball from the paint.
The Young Boy doesn’t miss.
SWISH.
OLDER KID
You know you’re gonna be great
right?
SWISH.
OLDER KID (CONT’D)

You’re great now. And still you’re
gonna be great.
SWISH.

You’re gonna get better every year.
SWISH.

And every year. You’re gonna be the
best.
SWISH. SWISH.

They’d kill to be you.
SWISH. SWISH.

They’re gonna beg to be where you
used to be.
SWISH. SWISH. SWISH.

And they’re never.
The young kid runs to the hoop and gathers the ball.
He pivots on a dime and explodes to the opposite basket.

Ever.
2.
He spins and glides the ball between his legs.
Crossover. Hesitation. It’s a handles clinic.
He approaches the basket and gathers into a euro-step.

Gonna come close.
He takes off and brings down a reckless two handed slam.
The young boy hangs on the rim for good measure. He swings
back and forth before dropping back to earth.
YOUNG BOY
You think so?
OLDER KID
I know so.
(beat)
Do you think you could kiss someone
and keep it a secret.
YOUNG BOY
Yes.
SUPERIMPOSE: Akron, Ohio. 1999
INT. STAPLES CENTER BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE: Los Angeles, California. 2019
The Lakers are playing the Hornets. Tony Parker dribbles the
ball past the half court line.
LONZO BALL
If I could just touch that ball,
then I’m sure I could score a point
or two.
BRANDON INGRAM
If we can control the ball, the
game will be ours for the taking.
JOSH HART
I wish we had the ball instead of
the other team.
KYLE KUZMA
Ball.
3.
LEBRON JAMES
What’s wrong with you
motherfuckers.
Tony starts to cook.
TONY PARKER
Écran! Écran!
LONZO BALL
He’s speaking in some other
language. I’m fucking scared.
KYLE KUZMA
Bron what do we do.
BRANDON INGRAM
I’ll kill him.
LEBRON JAMES
We should play basketball.
LONZO BALL
Got it.
JOSH HART
Great plan, LeBron.
KYLE KUZMA
That’s perfect we’ll just play
basketball, great idea LeBron
James, we got it, we won’t let you
down.
Tony dribbles between his legs. Lonzo bites and whiffs on a

steal. Tony blows past him and scores.
LUKE WALTON
TIME OUT!
INT. STAPLES CENTER SIDELINE - CONTINUOUS
The Lakers regroup at their bench. Luke is sweating bullets.
CLOSE ON: The scoreboard reads “LA 27 - 94 CHA”
JOSH HART
We can win this game guys. We just
gotta dig deep. Right, LeBron?
LONZO BALL
I know the score looks bad, but we
have got LeBron James on our team.
(MORE)
4.
LONZO BALL (CONT'D)

With a bit of digging we can dig
our way out of this.
KYLE KUZMA
With LeBron James we cannot lose.
LeBron stares at the scoreboard, not listening at all.
LUKE WALTON
Right, LeBron?
He snaps back to the game.
LEBRON JAMES
Yea...Yeah. Listen. Turning this
around is going to take more than
just one player. We’ve got to play
like a team. But if we trust in
each other we can come back from
any deficit, are you ready?
KUZMA / HART / BALL

Ready!
LeBron’s frown turns into a devilish grin.
THE COOL PART OF BLOCK ROCKIN BEATS by CHEMICAL BROTHERS

STARTS TO PLAY.
The players take the court in S L O W M O T I O N.
The ref blows his whistle. Game on.
INT. ROLLS ROYCE PHANTOM BACKSEAT - NIGHT
LeBron sits in the backseat with a big fuckin frown on his

face. He is probably upset because of the basketball game he
just lost. The car radio is also playing too.
SPORTS RADIO GUY 1

(o.s.)
Final score, did you watch this
game? The final score was Los
Angeles 48, Charlotte...
SPORTS RADIO GUY 2

(o.s.)
Charlotte 188!
SPORTS RADIO GUY 1

(o.s.)
188. Can you believe that?
(MORE)
5.
SPORTS RADIO GUY 1 (CONT'D)

They could’ve called this game in
the first quarter. Even LeBron
couldn’t save his team.
SPORTS RADIO GUY 2

(o.s.)
Never seen anything like it. I’ve
never seen a basketball game look
so unlike basketball.
SPORTS RADIO GUY 1

(o.s.)
In the fourth quarter the Lakers
were out-scored 62 to 13. And those
13 points? Entirely from LeBron
James.
LEBRON JAMES
Can you turn this off please?
DRIVER
(o.s.)
No, I’m drunk.
LeBron sighs and reaches into his duffel bag. He withdraws a

pill bottle and removes TWO PERC 30s. He eats the percs to
get hgih.
EXT. JAMES MANOR - NIGHT
The driver pulls up the driveway and lets Bron out. His house
is very big but he’s LeBron James so this makes sense.
INT. JAMES MANOR - CONTINUOUS
LeBron enters his home. He hangs his hat on the hat rack and
takes off his badge and gun to set them on the table.
SAVANNAH JAMES
I was up all night waiting for you
to get home.
LEBRON JAMES
Sorry, I was playing basketball for
Los Angeles.
SAVANNAH JAMES
I was worried sick.
LEBRON JAMES
I was on tv.
6.
Savannah (is lebrons wife if you didnt know.) And now she
looks LeBron up and down.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Are you eating those percs again?
LEBRON JAMES
(while on percs)
No.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Please LeBron. You can’t eat those
percs.
LEBRON JAMES
(eating a perc)
I’m not.
SAVANNAH JAMES
You think it’s fun? You have fun
when you do this?
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah.
SAVANNAH JAMES
I hope you’re having fun.
LEBRON JAMES
I gotta go prepare for the my next
basketball game. We are goign to
play an another one tomorrow.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Just quit James. Please quit. You
can’t keep doing this to yourself.
You can’t play basketball forever.
You’re thirty-four. You’ve played
over a thousand games in the NBA.
You’re the all time leader in
playoff minutes. Your game time is
more than thirty eight full days
and that’s not even touching time
spent practicing. The fact that
you’re still playing is nothing
short of inhuman, but it is not
going to last forever. Your body
has been telling you to quit for
years and if you don’t listen soon,
it won’t be your choice anymore.
These percs are not sustaining you,
they’re killing you. You want to be
a legend so bad, well you’re going
to die one.
7.
LEBRON JAMES
hop.
Savannah starts to cry a bunch. LeBron leaves the room.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
LeBron throws up into the toilet.
LEBRON JAMES
Blaaererghghhh... Pthewww. Sphhzz.
Fuck.
He wipes the bile from his lips and struggles to upright his
body. As he sways he sees his weak frame in the mirror. A
fraction of the gladiator he once was.
LEBRON JAMES (CONT’D)

I am having a hard time. I am
addicted to percocets. I am
struggling to carry both a losing
team and my own legacy. My marriage
is failing. My body is dying.
LeBron stares into himself.

At least there are no cartoon
animals involved in my life. I
think that would be too much. My
plate is very full right now.
THE CAMERA CRANES UP BEHIND LEBRON’S HEAD LIKE ENTER THE VOID
(sick movie). WE TURN ON THE Y-AXIS TO BIRDS’ EYE VIEW.
LeBron spits into the toilet.
WE SLOWLY DRIFT ACROSS THE BATHROOM TO THE TOILET.
LeBron flushes the toilet.
WE LAUNCH DOWN INTO THE TOILET AND FOLLOW LEBRON’S WASTE

THROUGH THE SEWER SYSTEM.
INT. SEWER SYSTEM - CONTINUOUS
FASTER AND FASTER. WATER RUSHING AND MIXING WITH TRASH. THIS
PART SHOULD BE VERY COOL.
WE REACH AN OPENING AND EMERGE INTO A LARGER SEWER ROOM.

8.
Bugs Buny is in the sewer and he’s a cartoon and he say the
famous line “whats up doc”
BUGS BUNNY
whats up doc.
TITLES: “Space Jam 2”
INT. SEWER ROOM - NIGHT
Tha cartoons from space jam 1 are down here and they live
underground like rats. Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd,
Porky the Pig, Tweety Bird, Sylvester, Yosemite Sam, and
Foghorn Leghorn. They all live like dogs in the sewer. Lola
Bunny is dead.
BUGS BUNNY
I need more cigarettes.
PORKY THE PIG

I don’t smoke.
ELMER FUDD
I used to smoke, but I stopped.
YOSEMITE SAM
I quit too, but I still smoke
spliffs.
BUGS BUNNY
Can everyone please shut the fuck
up unless you have cigarettes.
DAFFY DUCK
Cigarettes are hard to come by in
the sewer. They are a delicacy.
PORKY THE PIG

I never saw the appeal to smoking.
BUGS BUNNY
I want cigarettes.
ELMER FUDD
Addiction is hard to understand.
PORKY THE PIG

I know what it’s like to want
things.
BUGS BUNNY
Not like this.
9.
PORKY THE PIG

I want to go home.
BUGS BUNNY
I’m going to go eat some cigarette
butts.
Bugs leaves.
DAFFY DUCK
Don’t push Bugs. We all want to go
home. He is dealing with it his
way.
PORKY THE PIG

I wish I was fucking dead.
YOSEMITE SAM
You are bumming me out man.
ELMER FUDD
Chill.
PORKY THE PIG

At least prisoners know they are in
prison. You live in denial. Death
will be our only form of freedom.
DAFFY DUCK
The latest survey mission will be
back soon with a new report. We
must not lose hope.
YOSEMITE SAM
Marvin has a sick lazer gun.
ELMER FUDD
He does.
FOGHORN LEGHORN
I would do anything to get my dick
sucked one time.
Marvin the Martian limps into the room followed by Tweety

Bird. Marvin’s clothes are tattered. Blood spattered.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We are back.
DAFFY DUCK
Where is Sylvester?
10.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Sylvester the Cat was killed by
sewer monsters.
FLASHBACK - SEWER PATHS
Sylvester the Cat carefully swat walks around a corner.

Instantly his forearm is grabbed by a sewer monster. The
beast’s jaw locks into place and swings Sylvester’s body into
the concrete walls.
SYLVESTER THE CAT

AHHGHGHHHASHDFHHHHHH!!!
The beast crushes Sylvester’s forearm, turning it into a skin

sack of broken bones. The beast releases his grip and
disappears quickly into water, leaving Sylvester cradling his
mangled appendage. Sylvester tries to hold his arm but like
jelly it retains no shape or form.
SYLVESTER THE CAT (CONT’D)

My fuckign arm. My arm is ruined.
We have to go back.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We continue.
Three sewer beasts surface and latch onto Sylvester’s legs.
SYLVESTER THE CAT

AFHHGHHHHHGHHhHH!!
Their powerful jaws crush bones and move onto fresh sections
of flesh. Sylvester is pulled under and begins to fight to
keep his head above water.

(choking on water)
HELGP ME. I DORNT WAHNTA TEO DEIH!
PLEAGSE.
The beasts leave no piece of Sylvester untouched. The sewer

is filled with clumps of hair and flesh. The brown water is
tinted a deep red. Sylvester is crying.

(choking on water)
PLAESE. DONT. PLEAGSE HELGMP ME. I
DOGNT WANNA! I DONT WANNA DIE HERE!
A sewer monster latches onto Sylvester’s jaw and RIPS IT OFF.
Sylvester’s tongue freely dangles out of his new mouth hole.

His eyes stretch in permanent pain.
11.
More beasts descend on his body. They rip his paws off.
Finally one makes it to his neck.

Ihl me.
A sewer beasts rips his throat out, turning Sylvester into a

broken pez dispenser.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We should go actually.
BACK TO PRESENT
TWEETY BIRD
He died bravely.
ELMER FUDD
Was the expedition successful?
Marvin unfurls a large hand drawn map. The map is overly

annotated with scribbles, question marks, and notes. The
majority of routes are marked with giant red “X”s.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We traveled for three days through
the sewers. And we found-
TWEETY BIRD
-We found nothing. Sewer monsters
overpowered us at the Y-Pass. We
made no progress.
ELMER FUDD
God damn it.
DAFFY DUCK
We will persevere. Sylvester will
not die in vain.
PORKY THE PIG

Tomorrow I am going to kill myself.
INT. LAKERS TEAM JET - DAY
Everyone is wearing Beats by Dre headphones around their

necks. Some people are wearing a pair on their ears as well.
All the headphones are playing different songs incredibly
loudly. It’s impossible to hear anything.
LONZO BALL
We almost had them in the 4th
quarter, but they slipped away.
12.
JOSH HART
They just slipped away. We almost
had them.
KYLE KUZMA
It’s just one game. We’ll win the
next one. They slipped away. We
have LeBron James.
LONZO BALL
That is right. We do have LeBron
James.
JOSH HART
LeBron James is on our team.
LUKE WALTON
I have lost this team. We’re going
to miss the playoffs and Magic
Johnson will never give me the
antidote.
LeBron James turns the volume up on his Beats.
LUKE WALTON (CONT’D)

(aside)
LeBron. I need your help. I know
the team is terrible, but I need
you to pull through and win some
games for me. For us.
LeBron stares ahead.

He gave it to me LeBron. He gives
it to anyone who fails him. This is
my last chance.
LeBron points to a bag under his seat.

So soon? But. Yes, of course.
Luke turns and stealthily motions to a trainer on the plane.

Just the eight seed is all I’m
asking for.
LeBron ignores him.

Ok.
13.
Luke signals to the trainer again and leaves. The trainer

trails Luke by a few steps. As he passes LeBron he drops a
pill container into his bag.
LeBron retrieves the pill bottle and examines the percocet.

He’s gonna do them.
JOSH HART
I think I left my wallet in the
locker room.
LONZO BALL
I jacked off in a toilet and forgot
to flush.
KYLE KUZMA
strope.
LeBron does percocet.
INT. SEWER SYSTEM - NIGHT
ELMER FUDD
What are you doing Porky.
PORKY THE PIG

I’m tying a noose so I can kill
myself. I do not like being alive
anymore.
ELMER FUDD
Oh.
DAFFY DUCK
Don’t kill yourself, Porky. Our
situation is critical, but we must
not falter now. We need the
strength of everyone if we are to
survive.
PORKY THE PIG

I do not believe we will ever leave
this sewer so I will leave my body.
The sewer monsters have taken
everything from us, but they will
not take me.
DAFFY DUCK
I do not know what to say to
inspire hope when I have so little
myself. We have been trapped here
in the sewer for 23 years.
(MORE)
14.
DAFFY DUCK (CONT'D)

I know suicide will not help our
cause, but if you truly believe it
is the only option I will not stop
you.
PORKY THE PIG

See ya.
Porky the Pig kills himself.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

What’s going on.
YOSEMITE SAM
Porky the Pig is killing himself.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

He was weak. He was not built for
war.
TWEETY BIRD
He did not sign up for war.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Nevertheless.
BUGS BUNNY
I need cigarettes.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We must focus.
Marvin pulls out the sewer system map.
MARVIN THE MARTAIN

At the cost of Sylvester’s life I
believe we have plotted a crude
outline of the sewer monsters
feeding routines. If these routines
hold, we should be able to plan a
new expedition within the week.
PORKY THE PIG

Euhkh h hhh h.
Porky dies.
BUGS BUNNY
I’ll be back later.
Bugs leaves.
15.
FOGHORN LEGHORN
That didn’t look that bad. I might
kill myself too.
INT. STAPLES CENTER - NIGHT
Guess WHat The Lakers are losing again. Getting stomped by

the Suns or another bad team it’s not really important. It’s
like 162 to 51 or something. Very bad score for the Lakers.
JOSH HART
These guys are too good.
LONZO BALL
They’re too good at basketball is
what the problem is.
KYLE KUZMA
Maybe if they were worse we would
have a chance. But as it stands now
they’re too good at basketball.
Their skills exceed our own. Maybe
we should have practiced more. It
seems like the other team practices
a bunch. That could be the secret
to their success. All their
shoelaces are tied pretty tight
too. My shoes get untied three or
six times a game. I skipped
breakfast too and my dick hurts.
LEBRON JAMES
I miss Kyrie.
Luke Walton has totally sweat through his shirt. He’s nervous
because he’s the coach and it’s his job to win games. He’s
grabbing his collar and stretching it crazy far out lol.
INT. OWNER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS
Magic Johnson watches the game unfold behind the tinted glass
of the owner’s box. He stands with his arms raised and feet
shoulder width apart like the Vitruvian Man...
...completely naked.
He is getting sucked stupid. One girl is sucking his dick.

Another sucking his balls. A third sucks his ass.
Five girls on each side are sucking individual fingers. Two

girls on the ground are sucking on each foot.
16.
Another girl is tonguing his belly button. Two more on each

nipple. All in all there are 18 girls sucking him. His face
is stone.
The sound of this alone is terrible. Complete silence except

for the sound of saliva. This goes on for two whole minutes.
No cuts. This is the only scene I will not remove from the
script. I will not bend on this.
INT. STAPLES CENTER - CONTINUOUS
Devin Booker steals the ball from Lonzo. Lonzo grabs for the
ball, but crashes and eats hardwood.
LONZO BALL
No.
Booker moves to seal the game with a fast-break lay up.
LeBron trails him. He rises for a signature chase down

block...
...but LeBron has lost a step. He has been outclassed by the

younger generation. Booker checks behind him and finishes
effortlessly.
LeBron immediately hunches over, out of breath.
*ERRRRRRRR* The buzzer sounds. 176-54.
LeBron looks at his teammates. None of them made it past half

court. Kuzma is looking at the wrong basket. Bron sighs.
INT. OWNER’S BOX - CONTINUOUS
MAGIC JOHNSON
STOP!
The 18 girls from before stop sucking him.
He snaps his finger. A girl places a lit cigarette in his

mouth. Magic slowly turns and leaves the box.
INT. LEBRONS BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
LeBron slumps on the floor next to the tub. A cigarette is

hanging out of mouth. He’s nodding hard.
A knock at the door.

17.
SAVANNAH JAMES
(o.s.)
Bron! Bron, come out!
LEBRON JAMES
Heuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ghz.
The door handle starts to jiggle. It’s locked.
SAVANNAH JAMES
(o.s.)
I know you’re off those percs in
there!
LEBRON JAMES
Shkkkuuuurp. bop.
The weight of LeBron’s head comes crashing down into the

toilet. He spits the cigarette into the bowl.
LeBron grabs the lever for balance and flushes the toilet as
he rises. He goes to the door and unlocks it.

I was not. on percs.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Don’t lie to me James. You’re my
husband. Don’t say these lies to
me.
LEBRON JAMES
Listen. do you have any percs.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Why are you trying your hardest to
hurt me.
LeBron pushes his way past her into the bedroom. She follows.
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
LEBRON JAMES
I was in Trainwreck.
SAVANNAH JAMES
I can’t look at you anymore.
LeBron wipes all the drool off his face.
LEBRON JAMES
That’s fine. The cameras will look
at me.
18.
SAVANNAH JAMES
You are sick.
LeBron sits down at his computer desk and boots up Dolphin.

He starts to emulate Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door.
LEBRON JAMES
I have to play basketball tomorrow.
Please let me relax. I am mostly
not happy and I would just like to
relax for a bit.
LeBron misses action commands. He fucks up the multi-bounce.
SAVANNAH JAMES
There’s a bunch of cigarettes in
the tub.
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah. I will clean those up later.
SAVANNAH JAMES
You will, huh.
LeBron misses dodge commands.
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Ok.
Savannah goes to the bathroom.
INT. LBERON’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Savannah opens up the medicine cabinet and grabs the perc

bottle. She opens it and pours the pills into the toilet.
*FLUSH*
INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS
LEBRON JAMES
Did you flush my percs?
SAVANAH JAMES
(o.s.)
Yeah.
19.
LEBRON JAMES
I wish you had not done that. I was
planning on eating them to get
high. I can get more though, it’s
easy for me to get drugs because
I’m LeBron James.
Savanah enters the room.
SAVANAH JAMES
You’re LeBitch James.
LeBron throws his PS4 controller through the window. Glass

explodes everywhere and a car alarm starts going off.
LEBRON JAMES
I could kill you with one fuckin
punch.
INT. SPACE VEGAS OFFICE - DAY
Swackhammer is chillin in his office. If you don’t remember

swackhammer he’s the alien danny devito from the first movie.
His secretary walks in.
SECRETARY
Hello Swackhammer.
SWACKHAMMER
Hello Secretary.
SECRETARY
I have the business news for today.
SWACKHAMMER
Let’s hear it.
SECRETARY
We are doing business today here at
Space Vegas.
SWACKHAMMER
This is great news thank you for
telling me.
SECRETARY
Joe is on line one.
SWACKHAMMER
Thank you.
The Secretary leaves. Swackhammer picks up the phone.

20.
SWACKHAMMER (CONT’D)
Joe, how are you.
JOE ROGAN
(o.s.)
I’m ok.
SWACKHAMMER
Where are we on booking UFC 250 at
Space Vegas?
JOE ROGAN
(o.s.)
I gotta go.
*CLICK* The Secretary comes back in the office.
SECRETARY
How did your call go.
SWACKHAMMER
It did not go well. Joe Rogan is a
big tool.
(beat)
Can you jack me off for a little
bit?
SECRETARY
Yes sir.
The Secretary starts to jack Swackhammer off.
SWACKHAMMER
Very good.
The phone rings and flashes red.
Aw fuck.
(he picks up the phone)
Yes, sir. No-no he didn’t. I’ll get
right on it. I’ll handle it.
SECRETARY
Is everything ok sir?
SWACKHAMMER
No. If we don’t book a big sporting
event soon I’ll be killed. He needs
the new Space Arena to get filled
stat. We’re hemorrhaging money.
SECRETARY
He wasn’t happy?
21.
SWACKHAMMER
No he said he would kill me. We
need a big fight or a football game
or a-
SECRETARY
Basketball game?
SWACKHAMMER
Yeah, yeah. A basketball game might
be perfect. We need some more of
those weird little alien guys to
supercharge with stolen athletic
talent. And then we’ll make them
play or something. It should work
probably. Go get some of those
alien guys.
SECRETARY
Should I stop jacking you off?
SWACKHAMMER
Yeah, probably. I don’t think I was
going to cum anyway.
SECRETARY
Right away sir.
The secretary stops jacking him off and leaves.
The secretary was also a guy too.
INT. SEWER PATHS - NIGHT
Bugs Bunny is dry hitting a cigarette butt.
BUGS BUNNY
This sucks.
He throws the butt into the air and catches it in his mouth.
He sucks on it like a piece of candy.
BUGS BUNNY (CONT’D)

I do not like the sewer.
Bugs walks aimlessly through the sewer, occasionally tilting

his head back to spit the cigarette butt straight up before
catching it in his mouth again.
After a few tosses he swishes it back and forth and finally

spits it out. He keeps walking.
22.

Actually, I would like to keep
sucking on that piece of garbage.
He backtracks to the cigarette butt and grabs it, but his

stare lingers for a moment. Right next to it is a small pill.

Whoa.
Bugs picks up the pill and inspects it.

Oxycodone Hydrochloride. 30 mg.
He brings it closer to his eye.

Imprint A215.
He slides the pill out of his vision and looks ahead...
...and sees another blue pill a few feet away.
Bugs pockets both pills. He searches the area and finds even
more. Bugs follows the pill trail into the darkness.
INT. LEBRON’S BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS
Bugs bunny come out the toilet.
BUGS BUNNY
Oh shit.
Bugs starts walking around the house.
INT. LEBRON’S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
BUGS BUNNY
Yo.
R.L. STINE
Yo, what’s good.
Bugs daps up R.L. and sits on the couch.
BUGS BUNNY
I just came out of the sewer. Me
and my friends were trapped there
for 23 years. Some of them are
dead.
23.
R.L. STINE
Word.
BUGS BUNNY
Where am I.
R.L. STINE
LeBron’s house. He should be back
later. He’s playing basketball
right now.
BUGS BUNNY
Bet. Cool if I chill?
R.L. STINE
Yeah, post up. Mav is coming
through with weed soon.
BUGS BUNNY
I don’t smoke, but I’m down to
chill. You got cigs on you?
R.L. STINE
Yeah, you can bum out the pack. We
smoke inside too.
Bugs grabs a cig and lights it.
BUGS BUNNY
Sick.
R.L. STINE
How did you get trapped in the
sewer?
BUGS BUNNY
It was by accident.
R.L. STINE
Oh.
Maverick Carter comes in.
MAVERICK CARTER
I got the weed.
R.L. STINE
What is it?
MAVERICK CARTER
Gas.
BUGS BUNNY
Actually I will smoke.
24.
MAVERICK CARTER
Let’s get it.
R.L. STINE
I will roll.
BUGS BUNNY
We didn’t have weed in the sewer. I
mostly chewed cigarette butts.
MAVERICK CARTER
Foul.
BUGS BUNNY
Yeah. I found a bunch of Oxycodone
in the sewer though. I followed a
trail of them to get here.
MAVERICK CARTER
Those are probably LeBron’s
Oxycodone. He’s addicted to them.
R.L. STINE
Do you guys want to watch
something.
MAVERICK CARTER
Yeah I could watch something.
BUGS BUNNY
I should probably try to help my
friends. They are dying slowly in
the sewers.
R.L. STINE
Wolf of Wall Street?
MAVERICK CARTER
Yeah, that movie rules.
BUGS BUNNY
It is sick.
R.L. Stine puts the The Wolf of Wall Street Blu-Ray into the
Blu-Ray player and then he hits play.

Sick.
MAVERICK CARTER
Subtitles on?
R.L. STINE
What?
25.
BUGS BUNNY
You watch movies with subs on?
MAVERICK CARTER
Sorry, I’m tripping. Sometimes it’s
hard to hear though.
INT. SPACE VEGAS CASINO - DAY
The nerdlucks sit in front of slot machines, brain dead.

Empty glasses litter the area. They’re all smoking.
SECRETARY
How’s it going fellas?
Their eyes do not drift from the displays.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
It is.
SECRETARY
Yeah, I can see.
(beat)
Swackhammer has a proposition for
you.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Swackhammer enslaved us.
SECRETARY
And yet you are patrons of his
casino.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
We made a choice to be slaves to
the slots. Blue nerdluck is up two
hundred.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I’m up two hundred.
SECRETARY
It wouldn’t be anything you haven’t
done before. We need you to steal
powers and put on the greatest
space sporting event ever. But this
time...you’ll win.
BLUE NERDLUCK
The trick is to play all five
lines.
26.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
There are no tricks in slots.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I play three lines.
BLUE NERDLUCK
That’s retarded.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
It’s a value play.
BLUE NERDLUCK
Lol.
SECRETARY
Swackhammer wants to wipe the slate
clean. He would compensate you, you
all, more than fairly.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Blue nerdluck is up two hundred.
SECRETARY
The rest of you have outstanding
debts to the casino. This would
clear your markers.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
We do.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I owe large sums to prostitutes.
SECRETARY
We could settle those debts too.
GREEN NERDLUCK
He’s addicted to paying for sex.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I am.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
He’s the rain man of solicitation.
RED NERDLUCK
He is.
SECRETARY
That’s fine. As long as you can
play basketball.
27.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I do not care for basketball, I am
mostly interested in one-
dimensional, zero-sum sex.
SECRETARY
Great. So you guys are in?
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Yes.
RED NERDLUCK
I actually enjoy playing
basketball, I’m looking forward to
this. This will be a nice change of
pace for me.
BLUE NERDLUCK
(rubbing his dick n balls)
I need to fuck.
INT. LEBRON’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
BUGS BUNNY
This movie is great.
MAVERICK CARTER
Yeah.
R.L. STINE
Yeah.
Bugs smokes a cigarette.
MAVERICK CARTER
The girl is so hot in this.
R.L. STINE
Yeah.
BUGS BUNNY
Yeah.
Bugs continues smoking the cigarette.
MAVERICK CARTER
I don’t have any on me, but I would
do coke right now.
R.L. STINE
I would too.
28.
BUGS BUNNY
Should we get some?
R.L. STINE
I’m not plugged like that.
MAVERICK CARTER
It would be a reach for me. Maybe
when Bron comes back we could ask
him.
BUGS BUNNY
He could get some?
MAVERICK CARTER
Maybe he could get some.
BUGS BUNNY
Word.
R.L. STINE
That would be tight if LeBron could
get us some coke.
MAVERICK CARTER
Yeah.
BUGS BUNNY
How much?
R.L. STINE
I don’t do coke a lot, but I would
do some.
MAVERICK CARTER
Eight ball should be good.
BUGS BUNNY
Let’s get an eight ball.
MAVERICK CARTER
When LeBron gets home we’ll ask
him.
They watch three and a half episodes of Family Guy. One of

them is one of those episodes where they sing songs.
LeBron comes home.
LEBRON JAMES
Yo.
MAVERICK CARTER
What’s up.
29.
R.L. STINE
Yo.
BUGS BUNNY
Hey, I’m Bugs Bunny.
LEBRON JAMES
What’s good.
LeBron daps up Bugs.
MAVERICK CARTER
We’re chillin.
R.L. STINE
Do you want to hit this?
LEBRON JAMES
I’m ok. Kinda beat right now. We
lost again. Think I might just go
chill in the bathroom.
MAVERICK CARTER
Word.
LeBron leaves.
BUGS BUNNY
You didn’t ask him about the coke.
MAVERICK CARTER
I was going to but it didn’t feel
right.
BUGS BUNNY
What?
R.L. STINE
Mood was off.
MAVERICK CARTER
He just got home.
BUGS BUNNY
I’ll ask him if you don’t want to.
MAVERICK CARTER
Chill, I’ll ask him. I said I would
ask him.
R.L. STINE
Play another ep of Family Guy.
30.
BUGS BUNNY
My bad, I had it paused.
They watch three minutes of Family Guy.
R.L. STINE
This shit is so funny.
They watch five minutes of Family Guy.
LBERON JAMES
Yo, I’m back. Have you guys seen my
percs?
MAVERICK CARTER
Nah, I don’t think so.
R.L. STINE
Yeah, nah. I’ve been here the whole
time.
LEBRON JAMES
I think Savannah threw them all
out.
MAVERICK CARTER
Sucks.
BUGS BUNNY
Wait.
Bugs takes out some of the sewer pills.
LEBRON JAMES
Yoooo. Where’d you find those?
BUGS BUNNY
I got here through your toilet.
They were in the sewer.
LEBRON JAMES
You really saved me. I’m both
physically and mentally addicted to
pain killers. Anything you need
from me, I got you.
BUGS BUNNY
Actually, my friends are still
trapped in the sewer. I could use
some help rescuing them. They’re
dying.
31.
LEBRON JAMES
Consider it done. I promise I’ll
help you out with that. I’ve just
gotta do something real quick.
LeBron takes some of the pills and leaves.
R.L. STINE
Are you going to ask him or what.
MAVERICK CARTER
Listen. I am going to ask him.
INT. SPACE VEGAS HALLWAY - DAY
SWACKHAMMER
They’re in?
SECRETARY
It took some convincing, but I
convinced them.
SWACKHAMMER
Excellent. Great work.
SECRETARY
Should I jack you off?
SWACKHAMMER
No. Not right now.
SECRETARY
Ok.
SWACKHAMMER
Now that we have the players, we
need their talent.
SECRETARY
I’ve set up a meeting with our
research team to deal with just
that.
SWACKHAMMER
Perfect. When is that meeting?
SECRETARY
Later.
SWACKHAMMER
Great.
32.
INT. SPACE VEGAS SCIENCE LAB - CONTINUOUS
RESEARCHER 1
Thank you for coming to this
meeting.
SWACKHAMMER
No problem.
SECRETARY
No problem.
Researcher 2 pulls up graphs and Microsoft excel spreadsheets

and also more graphs.
RESEARCHER 1
When we previously ran this
experiment twenty-three years ago,
we stole skills from Charles
Barkley, Shawn Bradley, Patrick
Ewing, Larry Johnson, and Muggsy
Bogues. Even with this selection of
top tier talent, the Monstars lost.
But, did we really take from the b-
SWACKHAMMER
Who is Larry Johnson.
RESEARCHER 2
He was a power forward for the
Hornets and Knicks.
SWACKHAMMER
Who is Shawn Bradley.
RESEARCHER 1
Center for the Sixers, Nets, and
Mavs.
SWACKHAMMER
They were good?
RESEARCHER 2
Yes.
SWACKHAMMER
I’ve never heard of them.
SECRETARY
Wasn’t Muggsy like a midget.
RESEARCHER 2
He was small yes.
33.
RESEARCHER 1
That’s my point exactly. Did we
really take from the best talent
available? Between those five
players, do you know how many rings
they have?
SWACKHAMMER
I love Chuck though. He’s good on
TNT.
SECRETARY
He is.
RESEARCHER 2
He’s ok.
RESEARCHER 1
Zero rings. Bradley, Ewing,
Johnson, Bogues, and Barkley. None
of them ever won a championship.
SWACKHAMMER
We should have gotten better
players.
SECRETARY
Who is Bradley.
RESEARCHER 1
He was a center-
RESEARCHER 2
We fucked up last time.
RESEARCHER 1
LISTEN. We did fuck up, but this
time, we are not going to fuck up.
The computer did all the work for
us.
SECRETARY
The computer?
RESEARCHER 2
Based on these simulations, our
algorithm has determined the five
best players to steal power from.
RESEARCHER 1
We fed the computer not only
extensive game data, but huge
swaths of sports news, social media
posts, and expert analysis.
34.
RESEARCHER 2
The computer has assessed every
possible nook and cranny of the
sports world and delivered us the
perfect candidates.
RESEARCHER 1
And what’s so interesting about
these candidates... They’re not
even basketball players.
SWACKHAMMER
What.
RESEARCHER 2
You don’t need to win games, right?
You just want to fill seats.
SWACKHAMMER
(aside)
I am gonna need you to jack me off
later.
The Secretary nods.
RESEARCHER 1
The computer scrubbed every major
sports league for the perfect
combination of talent, showmanship,
and personality.
RESEARCHER 2
They’re actually mostly football
players. They’re not the best
basketball players...
RESEARCHER 1
...But they’re the best players to
get you to watch basketball.
SWACKHAMMER
The computer did this?
RESEARCHER 2
Computers are amazing.
SECRETARY
I’ve got a computer at home.
RESEARCHER 1
The search results for these
players were through the roof.
(MORE)
35.
RESEARCHER 1 (CONT'D)
During their respective careers
fans could not stop talking about
these guys.
RESEARCH 2
Some of them were so good, the
league actually had to stop them
from playing.
SWACKHAMMER
Really? They were so good, the
league stopped them from playing?
RESEARCHER 1
Exactly.
SECRETARY
That doesn’t seem right.
RESEARCHER 2
It’s right. THey were too good so
the league stopped them from
playing.
SWACKHAMMER
You’re positive there was no other
reason the league would get
involved? It was because they were
too good? They were suspended from
playing because they were too good?
No other reason? The reason was
they were too good? And you’re sure
about that?
RESEARCHER 1
Yes.
INT. LAS VEGAS BAR - DAY
An old man drinks and watches an NFL game. Despite his age
(70s) he still has an athlete’s body. A few seats down two
younger guys whisper and steal glances at him.
FAN
Hey. Can I ask you a question?
The old man drinks.
FAN (CONT’D)
You did it right?
The old man scoffs and turns away. He finishes his drink and
gets up.
36.
As he leaves another patron stops him. This guy is wearing a

trench coat and hat and he’s the Nerdlucks in disguise.
OLD MAN
I’m not giving any autographs.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
I don’t want one, Juice.
The orange Nerdluck slips into ooze mode and slides out of
the trench coat. He slithers up the man’s body and then up
the old man’s nose. The old guy starts tweaking, his eyes
roll back in his head.
As the Nerdluck slides out, the old man loses motor control
and falls into a bar stool.
FAN
Yoooooooo.
The orange nerdluck slithers back into the trench coat body.
INT. TRENCH COAT BODY - CONTINUOUS
Orange nerdluck slides into a glowing basketball in the

stomach of the trench coat. All the Nerdlucks are laughing a
bunch. Orange Nerdluck slides out of the ball.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Got him.
Blue Nerdluck takes out a gun.
INT. LAS VEGAS BAR - CONTINUOUS
A gun barrel emerges from the trench coat. Blue Nerdluck

shoots the fan in the chest.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
The Nerdlucks in their trench coat wait in the lobby.
A stocky black man approaches and calls the elevator. He gets

in the elevator. Just before the doors close the Purple
Nerdluck slips out of the coat and into the elevator.
EXT. CEMETARY - NIGHT
The Nerdlucks all work hard to dig up a grave. They dig and
dig throwing dirt all over the place.
37.
Red Nerdluck plunges his shovel into the dirt and we hear the
CLANK of shovel hitting coffin.
The Nerdlucks clear the dirt to reveal a coffin. Green

Nerdluck pries it partly open with a crowbar and Red Nerdluck
slips into the coffin.
In a flash of thunder we see the grave illuminated.
CLOSE ON HEADSTONE: It reads “A. Hernandez”.
LeBron James, Bugs Bunny, and three Mossad super soldiers

patrol the sewers. They are strapped up. LeBron has the Kel-
Tec SUB2000. Bugs and two Mossad soldiers use IWI Tavor X95s.
The lead Mossad soldier (Mossad Steve) is wielding three

deagles Santoryu style like Roronoa Zoro from One Piece.
BUGS BUNNY
Thank you for helping me rescue my
friends LeBron James.
LEBRON JAMES
No problem Bugs. Thank you for
getting me my percocets back. I
needed them.
BUGS BUNNY
Yeah.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
Hold.
Mossad Joshua and Mossad Eli clear the corner angle.
MOSSAD ELI
How much further?
BUGS BUNNY
It’s hard to tell. Marvin the
Martian was much better at the
cartography of the sewers. I mostly
ate cigarettes down here.
MOSSAD STEVE
Proceed with caution. I don’t want
any mistakes.
BUGS BUNNY
Are you going to make the playoffs
this year LeBron?
38.
LEBRON JAMES
We’ll be the eight seed.
MOSSAD ELI
They’re not making the playoffs.
MOSSAD STEVE
West is too tough.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
West is always tough.
MOSSAD ELI
They’re also ass.
LEBRON JAMES
My teammates suck and I’m on
percocet a lot of the time.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
Clips will get a bring a ring to LA
before he does.
MOSSAD ELI
Clips are not bad.
MOSSAD STEVE
Do not sleep on the Clips.
LEBRON JAMES
Please focus on the mission I do
not enjoy talking about basketball
that much anymore.
BUGS BUNNY
Also watch out for s-
A splash erupts in the sewer water.
The Mossad agents spring into action and expertly plug the
water activity with bullets.
SEWER MONSTER
AGHGHHDGHSDHGHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!
Blood rises to the surface.
MOSSAD ELI
Watch out for what?
Joshua blows the steam from his X95.

39.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
We’ve fought in the Gaza Strip.
This is nothing.
BUGS BUNNY
Nobody was shooting back at Gaza.
MOSSAD STEVE
Stay frosty boys. We’re not through
this yet.
MOSSAD ELI
LeBron you need to get back with
Kyrie or something. I can’t believe
you let him get away. That was your
boy. If he doesn’t hit that three
in game seven... You gotta do
something man. You bout to wash out
for real.
MOSSAD STEVE
Wait.
Steve puts his ear to the water and listens.
MOSSAD STEVE (CONT’D)

Check the blood. There’s not enough
of it.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
That was a kill boss.
MOSSAD STEVE
CHECK THE BLOOD.
Joshua lets his gun hang and combs through the mix of
coagulated blood and trash for the body. He puts his hand in
and fishes around.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
See, I told you we got him.
Joshua pulls the body out of the water.
It’s SYLVESTER THE CAT.
MOSSAD STEVE
IT’S A FUCKING TRAP.
Two sewer monsters surface and latch onto Eli.
MOSSAD ELI
FUCK!
‫למות!‬
41.
LEBRON JAMES
I think I got one.
MOSSAD ELI
We have to go back.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
We did not prepare for this.
MOSSAD STEVE
The sewer monsters communicate
across bodies of water through low
frequencies like whales. They all
know we’re here now. Turning back
would be suicide.
MOSSAD ELI
My right arm is fucked. I can’t
shoot. I’ll die down here.
MOSSAD STEVE
Use your left arm.
MOSSAD ELI
I can’t fucking shoot a rifle with
my left arm.
BUGS BUNNY
Did you guys see him stab himself.
LEBRON JAMES
I think i dropped my percs.
INT. SPACE VEGAS SCIENCE LAB - DAY
The talent basketball pulses and glows in a cool way.
SWACKHAMMER
We did it. With this talent on our
side we’ll be able to book the
biggest event in space vegas.
SECRETARY
Yes, that’s right sir. That is what
we are doing.
RESEARCHER 1
In this basketball we have
contained the powers of O.J.
Simpson, Ray Rice, Aaron Hernandez,
Rae Carruth, and Robert Rozier.
42.
SWACKHAMMER
Who is Rae Carruth.
RESEARCHER 2
He was a wide receiver for the
Panthers. His girlfriend didn’t
want to get an abortion so he put a
hit out on her. Carruth paid his
friend to shoot her a bunch when
she was eight months pregnant. She
died in a coma, but doctors saved
the baby. The baby had brain damage
though. Then Carruth went on the
run.
RESEARCHER 1
Police found him hiding in the
trunk of a car with $3,900 in cash,
candy bars, and a bunch of bottles
that he had been peeing in.
SWACKHAMMER
Who is Robert Rozier.
RESEARCHER 2
He played defensive end for the
Cardinals. He murdered seven white
people and their saved body parts
in order to join a secret sect of a
cult called Temple of Love.
SWACKHAMMER
Who is Ray Rice.
RESEARCHER 1
He was a running back-
SWACKHAMMER
I’m kidding I’ve seen the video.
INT. SPACE ARENA BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
SECRETARY
Great work getting this talent. Now
it’s time to ingest it into your
bodies.
GREEN NERDLUCK
Blue Nerdluck has a gun and he
killed someone.
SECRETARY
Cool. Please touch the basketball.
43.
The Nerdlucks gather around the glowing ball and touch it.
Their bodies begin to spasm and light shoots from the ball
through their bodies. Their skin pulses like boiling water.
They groan as their bodies change.
The Nerdlucks transform and become slightly larger. Like four

inches taller and that’s it.
SECRETARY (CONT’D)
How do you feel?
ORANGE NERDLUCK
I feel. Like. The same.
RED NERDLUCK
Me too.
SECRETARY
Do you feel like you’re better at
basketball?
The Secretary passes Green Nerdluck the ball.
Green Nerdluck dribbles it pretty well, nothing crazy, then

shoots and hits from three.
GREEN NERDLUCK
Yeah, pretty good I guess. I’m kind
of angrier too.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Yeah I mostly feel angrier.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I think I would do domestic
violence now.
SECRETARY
You’re ready to play basketball
though?
RED NERDLUCK
If I had a wife I think I would
kill her.
SECRETARY
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
INT. SPACE VEGAS SCIENCE LAB - DAY
SECRETARY
Things are not great.
44.
RESEARCHER 1
What’s wrong.
RESEARCHER 2
They’re not better at basketball?
SECRETARY
They are. They’re mostly more
violent though. They don’t seem
motivated to play.
RESEARCHER 1
Well, most athletes aren’t.
RESEARCHER 2
You know what they need? A coach.
RESEARCHER 1
Exactly. They have the talent, now
they just need someone to direct
it.
SECRETARY
You think that would work?
RESEARCHER 2
Sure, probably. I don’t care
really.
RESEARCHER 1
Go here.
Researcher 1 hands the Secretary a piece of paper.
RESEARCHER 1 (CONT’D)
This is where you’ll find the best
coach possible.
SECRETARY
The computer told you this was the
best coach?
RESEARCHER 1
Yes.
SECRETARY
It seems like the computer wasn’t
really 100 percent before so you
can see why I’m hesitant. This is
the best coach?
RESEARCHER 2
Sure. Probably. Listen, the
computer is never wrong.
(MORE)
45.
RESEARCHER 2 (CONT'D)
If he’s the guy the algorithm spit
out, he’s the coach for the job.
RESEARCHER 1
When you see him just have him
touch this basketball and his
talent or powers will be stolen or
yeah, that should work.
SECRETARY
Ok. I’ll trust you. I’ll find this
coach and take his powers for my
own. You are right. The computer
can’t be wrong.
INT. LAUREL HIGHLANDS STATE CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION - DAY
SECRETARY
Hello, I’m looking for JErry
Sandusky I need him to touch this
basketball.
INT. SEWER SYTEM - NIGHT
BUGS BUNNY
I’m sorry I brought you into this.
MOSSAD STEVE
We knew what we were getting into.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
I did not know what we were getting
into.
MOSSAD ELI
My fuckin arm man.
LEBRON JAMES
We are family. We support each
other. If you fall, stay down.
Another brother will pick you back
up.
MOSSAD ELI
Shut the fuck up LeBron.
BUGS BUNNY
I think we’re getting close.
Steve puts his fist up the way army guys signal “stop”.
46.
MOSSAD STEVE
This is it.
MOSSAD JOSHUA
How can you tell?
MOSSAD STEVE
The sewer monsters talk through
clicks and whistles, but they
signal warnings with low frequency
pulses. For the past two hours I’ve
been detecting regular pulses...
until now. They’ve gone radio
silent which means they have
nothing left to discuss. Around
this corner is their ambush.
LEBRON JAMES
You’re so smart Mossad Steve. Did
you learn this when you were in the
Mossad.
MOSSAD STEVE
Yes.
BUGS BUNNY
What’s the plan?
MOSSAD ELI
I can’t fight. My arm is done.
MOSSAD STEVE
You might not be able to fight, but
you’re the most critical member of
our offense.
MOSSAD ELI
How?
MOSSAD STEVE
Like this.
Mossad Steve pulls the pins on four of the grenades on Eli’s

belt.
MOSSAD ELI
No-
MOSSAD STEVE
Thank you, soldier.
Steve spinning hook kicks Eli with such force that he flies
around the corner. He lands with a huge splash in the water.
‫שלוש‪ ,‬שתיים‪ ,‬אחת‪ .‬עכשיו!‬
48.
BUGS BUNNY
I don’t think anyone wanted to
sacrifice Eli. I think all of us
believe that sacrificing someone is
wrong.
MOSSAD STEVE
Yes.
LEBRON JAMES
Of course.
BUGS BUNNY
But if someone has to be sacrificed
then I suppose it is fine to
sacrifice someone.
LEBRON JAMES
Yes.
MOSSAD STEVE
Of course.
BUGS BUNNY
And in that case as long as the
person we are sacrificing is not
me, I am fine with it.
LEBRON JAMES
Agreed.
MOSSAD STEVE
Did you see when I shot the sewer
king in the head. That was sick.
BUGS BUNNY
It was sick.
LEBRON JAMES
I can’t remember why we came down
here.
BUGS BUNNY
My cartoon friends. They were
trapped down here. Prisoners of the
sewer king.
LEBRON JAMES
So where are they?
MOSSAD STEVE
Oh my god. Bugs. Look at this.
49.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
We’ve gotta play some basketball.
Our first game is coming up.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I’m not practicing.
RED NERDLUCK
Yeah, no way.
GREEN NERDLUCK
fuck that.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Yeah, I don’t know why I said that.
I don’t wanna practice.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
Whenever I look at elevators I
start to see black. I want to hit
someone.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
We need to chill.
BLUE NERDLUCK
We should jack off.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
Gay.
BLUE NERDLUCK
Separately.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
Oh, bet.
GREEN NERDLUCK
Do you guys think it’s more racist
to never jack off to black porn or
to only jack off to black porn.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
What.
RED NERDLUCK
I don’t think you can be racist
while jacking off.
BLUE NERDLUCK
You can.
50.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
When you say black porn do you mean
the guy or the girl.
GREEN NERDLUCK
The guy obviously.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I’ll jack off to anything it
doesn’t matter to me.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
I think it’s more racist to avoid
jacking off to porn with a black
guy.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I don’t think it’s racist to do
that.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
You’re jacking off and a black guy
comes up, you switch it off?
GREEN NERDLUCK
What do you mean, “comes up”? Like
you’re not controlling what you
jack off to?
RED NERDLUCK
That’s racist.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I jack off to black girls all the
time. I’m not racist.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
But not guys?
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I don’t jack off to guys.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
But you won’t jack off to straight
porn with a black guy.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
No.
RED NERDLUCK
Once I pull my dick out, I can’t be
held responsible for what is on the
screen.
51.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I will jack off to anime and not
even the kind of anime that you are
supposed to jack off to.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
You’re racist dude.
PURPLE NERDLUCK
I’m racist? Hahaha. That’s rich.
I’m probably the least racist one
here.
BLUE NERDLUCK
I’m the most racist one here.
SECRETARY
What’s going on.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
We’re chilling.
GREEN NERDLUCK
Yeah, we’re chilling.
SECRETARY
It’s time to coach you guys. We’ve
got out first game next week. I’m
the coach too. I absorbed a coach’s
power and I think I’ve got a good
handle on this.
RED NERDLUCK
Who are we playing?
SWACKHAMMER
We’ve got some great opponents
lined up for you. I think you might
even recognize them.
GREEN NERDLUCK
Whose talent did you steal?
SECRETARY
Not important.
INT. SEWER ROOM - NIGHT
Porky the Pig’s decayed body swings from a noose.
MOSSAD STEVE
Whoever did this. We’ll make them
pay.
52.
BUGS BUNNY
Porky did that. He killed himself
earlier.
MOSSAD STEVE
Oh. Well where are the rest of your
friends.
LEBRON JAMES
I need a second.
LeBron takes his last perc.
BUGS BUNNY
I’m not sure. The last time I was
here, they were also here. And now
they are not.
Mossad Steve finds Marvin’s map.
MOSSAD STEVE
What’s this?
BUGS BUNNY
That’s Marvin’s map. He had been
working on it for years. There’s no
way he would leave without it.
LEBRON JAMES
I need to chill for a second.
MOSSAD STEVE
Something is off.
BUGS BUNNY
Where are my cartoon friends.
LEBRON JAMES
I think I missed a few basketball
games while we been down here.
MOSSAD STEVE
Oh my god. What’s this.
SWACKHAMMER
How is practice going?
SECRETARY
It’s fine. We should be ready soon.
By the way I’m not a pedophile.
53.
SWACKHAMMER
That’s great news because tickets
have sold out.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
Who would want to watch us play.
RED NERDLUCK
And who are we playing?
SWACKHAMMER
Some old friends.
Swackhammer pulls a big lever.
Mossad Steve pulls a small object out of some trash.
It’s a poker chip.
CLOSE ON: The chip reads “SPACE VEGAS”
MOSSAD STEVE
I know where your friends are.
Swackhammer releases the lever.
The looney tunes fall from the rafters. Daffy Duck, Elmer
Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, Marvin the Martian, and
Tweety Bird. They are all beaten bloody and hogtied.
SWACKHAMMER
Nice to see you again, Toon Squad.
DAFFY DUCK
You’re fucking crazy.
Tweety Bird coughs up blood.
ELMER FUDD
Just kill me already.
SWACKHAMMER
Kill you? No, no, no. You’ve got a
big game coming up. You should be
focused on that.
Swackhammer picks up a 50lb dumbbell with both hands.

54.
And as you know, basketball is a
five on five sport.
Marvin the Martian scans the room, counting his friends.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

No. No.
Swackhammer slowly walks to the pile of toons.
He raises the dumbbell up to his chest.
SWACKHAMMER
You all seem to have such great
stamina. I don’t think there will
be a need for any subs.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

STOP!
Swackhammer drops the dumbbell onto Tweety Bird.
His brain explodes. His eyes pop out like a Panic Pete doll,
but they don’t go back in. Tweety’s teeth fly out in
different directions. They slide on the hardwood.
SWACKHAMMER
You better clean that up before you
practice. Don’t want to slip and
roll an ankle.
Swackhammer leaves.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

AGGHHHHHHGHHHHHHHGHHDHAGHHHH!!!!
FOGHORN LEGHORN
Now I say-I say-I say he has
exploded our friends head.
DAFFY DUCK
I broke my leg when I fell. I don’t
think I can stand. I can’t move.
SECRETARY
I think we can win this game. Our
opponents do not look too strong
and we have been practicing.
GREEN NERDLUCK
Who cares.
55.
ORANGE NERDLUCK
We have not been practicing.
SECRETARY
Hey, have you guys seen any kids
around here? I kind of would like
to hang out with some young kids.
Steve rotates and examines the poker chip.
MOSSAD STEVE
Space Vegas.
BUGS BUNNY
Swackhammer is behind this. He has
abducted the toons.
LEBRON JAMES
Who is Swackhammer.
MOSSAD STEVE
The former owner of Moron Mountain.
Now he runs the biggest tourist
destination in the galaxy.
LEBRON JAMES
Space is real? Aliens?
MOSSAD STEVE
Yes.
BUGS BUNNY
We have to kill those mother
fuckers.
LEBRON JAMES
I would like to go home. I think I
have had enough of this.
MOSSAD STEVE
It’s too late to go back.
LEBRON JAMES
Perhaps this is my punishment. I
blamed my teammates while I slacked
off. I corrupted my mind and body
with percocet. I told my beautiful
wife I would kill her with one
punch.
56.
THE RETRIBUTION REMIX OF ASHES WHERE I WALK by KAMIYADA

STARTS TO PLAY.
BUGS BUNNY
When Swackhammer pays for his
crimes you will be absolved of
yours.
LEBRON JAMES
Really?
BUGS BUNNY
No. We can never escape our sins.
Mossad Steve cocks his three deagles.
MOSSAD STEVE
It’s time to fuck em.
BILL MURRAY
When we get to Space Vegas everyone
is my enemy. I’m going to let the
stick talk.
LEBRON JAMES
I miss my family.
INT. LEBRON’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
SAVANNAH JAMES
Have you seen LeBron lately? He’s
been missing basketball games and
he’s not in the bathroom.
R.L. Stine smokes weed.
R.L. STINE
Haven’t seen him.
MAVERICK CARTER
I have not seen him, no.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Did he say if he was going
somewhere? He’s not picking up his
phone.
R.L. Stine smokes weed.
R.L. STINE
I don’t think so. He was mostly
doing percocet.
57.
MAVERICK CARTER
He was with Bugs Bunny.
SAVANNAH JAMES
He was doing percocet with Bugs
Bunny?
Maverick pauses Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It seemed like they

would be able to watch and talk, but it is clear that
Savannah is not interested in watching at all. She keeps
talking over the show and they are starting to miss jokes.
MAVERICK CARTER
Bugs wasn’t doing percocet, he was
just smoking.
R.L. STINE
We were all chillin and then they
left.
SAVANNAH JAMES
He left with Bugs Bunny?
R.L. STINE
Yea.
Maverick presses play on Aqua Teen Hunger Force. They watch

twelve seconds of it. It’s the wisdom cube episode.
SAVANNAH JAMES
Neither of you have heard from
him??
MAVERICK CARTER
Eughhhh.
Maverick pauses Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
R.L. STINE
No.
SAVANNAH JAMES
If you hear something.
Maverick hits play on Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
SAVANNAH JAMES (CONT’D)

Please-
Maverick turns the volume up eight notches.

58.
SAVANNAH JAMES (CONT’D) TV

-tell me. Then I had an idea for a
(beat) dream vacation. I mean I had
I’m worried about him. the spread, OK. The beach.
The hotel. Then I wrote all
this all this down. Wrote it
all down. Really wrote it.
Like 5 pages. Fuckin lost it.
Savannah leaves.
MAVERICK CARTER
We should text Bron about coke.
INT. SPACESHIP - NIGHT
MOSSAD STEVE
We will be at Space Vegas soon.
Based on what I figured out through
research, Swackhammer is promoting
a basketball game tomorrow night.
The game will be a rematch between
the Monstars and your friends. It’s
sold out. It’s the biggest event in
space.
BUGS BUNNY
Thank you for your research.
BILL MURRAY
We need to hit them hard. Bum rush
the court and turn it into
columbine.
MOSSAD STEVE
No Bill Murray. We don’t have the
numbers.
BILL MURRAY
Fuck the numbers.
MOSSAD STEVE
Swackhammer will have top level
security posted throughout the
Space Arena. If we take him head on
we will die.
LBERON JAMES
I do not want to die.
MOSSAD STEVE
We must utilize stealth like the
video games Hitman or Hitman 2.
59.
BUGS BUNNY
I’ve never played those games.
LEBRON JAMES
I only played at my friends house.
BUGS BUNNY
I’ve heard they’re good.
LEBRON JAMES
They’re alright.
MOSSAD STEVE
This is how we’ll get in.
Steve explains the plan.
BUGS BUNNY
Ok.
LEBRON JAMES
I hope this works.
BILL MURRAY
If I think, even for just one
second, that this plan has been
compromised. That our cover has
been blown? I’m going to start
bustin.
MOSSAD STEVE
I’m begging you not to start bustin
Bill Murray.
BILL MURRAY
I was in the Garfield movies.
Bugs Bunny smokes a cigarette.
INT. SPACE ARENA SKYBOX - NIGHT
SWACKHAMMER
The Space Arena. The greatest
sporting and entertainment venue in
the galaxy. 300,000 seats and by
this time tomorrow they’ll be
filled with 300,000 wallets.
MAN IN SHADOWS
You’ve done well.
SWACKHAMMER
Thank you, Master.
60.
The man in the shadows blows cigar smoke.
MAN IN SHADOWS
See to it that this game goes off
without a problem. It should be the
first of many.
SWACKHAMMER
Of course, Master.
SECRETARY
I’ve been looking for some young
kids and I can’t find any.
MAN IN SHADOWS
What.
SECRETARY
Some young kids.
SWACKHAMMER
Not now.
SECRETARY
Would like to find one or two and
spend some time with them.
The Man in shadows vanishes.
SECRETARY (CONT’D)
Might try the internet.
INT. SPACE VEGAS JAIL CELL - NIGHT
DAFFY DUCK
This is bad.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We’ll make it through this. We just
have to stay alive.
Elmer Fudd punches himself in the face. A tooth pops out and
he uses it to slit his wrists.
DAFFY DUCK
Elmer stop. We can’t give up.
ELMER FUDD
I don’t want to end up like Tweety
Bird. If I’m going I’m going on my
own terms.
61.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We need each other now more than
ever. Please do not kill yourself
Elmer Fudd.
DAFFY DUCK
Bugs is still out there. He’ll come
for us. Someone will.
ELMER FUDD
Bugs? If he wasn’t killed by
Swackhammer then the sewer monsters
got him. We’re fucked. We die in
this cell or Swackhammer uses us up
and we die on the court. I don’t
want to give him the satisfaction.
FOGHORN LEGHORN
I gotta shit.
DAFFY DUCK
Elmer, my leg is broken. I can’t
walk. I may never walk again. But
this is not the way out. We can’t
give up.
ELMER FUDD
You should give up. I would have
more respect for your honesty than
your ignorance.
Foghorn Leghorn shits on the jail toilet.
YOSEMITE SAM
Do it then.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Yosemite Sam, please.
YOSEMITE SAM
He can make his own decisions. 23
years in the sewer only to land
here. I won’t judge anyone who has
been through what we have.
ELMER FUDD
Thank you.
Elmer Fudd prepares to cut himself. His hand shakes. He drops

the tooth. He picks it up. He drops it again.
YOSEMITE SAM
Coward.
62.
DAFFY DUCK
The game is tomorrow. We need to
find a weakness in the guard
rotation we can exploit.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

I don’t think any of the guards
will bend, but there is a weakness
in Swackhammer’s team. If we can
get to him, we can get out.
FOGHORN LEGHORN
Let’s do this.
Foghorn Leghorn grabs the cell bars. He flexes his hands

ensuring a tight grip. He cocks back his head and rams it
into the bars, knocking himself out cold.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Perfect.
EXT. SPACE VEGAS CASINO - NIGHT
BILL MURRAY
This sucks.
MOSSAD STEVE
Be patient.
BILL MURRAY
I mihgt kill a civilian.
BUGS BUNNY
Don’t do that.
BILL MURRAY
It is not my decision.
MOSSAD STEVE
You’re jeopardizing the mission.
BILL MURRAY
Slaat.
MOSSAD STEVE
Almost time. On my signal we move.
INT. SPACE VEGAS GUARD BOOTH - CONTINUOUS
Two guards sit in the booth watching security monitors and a

small TV playing Sportscenter. A third guard patrols outside.
63.
GUARD 1
Who you got in the playoffs.
GUARD 2
Who cares, Warriors are winning.
GUARD 1
East then.
GUARD 2
Bucks or Raps.
GUARD 1
No Sixers?
GUARD 2
No Sixers.
They watch the monitors for twenty seconds.
GUARD 1
Got anything going for the weekend?
GUARD 2
Probably check out the mall.
GUARD 1
What’s good at the mall.
GUARD 2
I like to dress nice there. I wear
nice pants, shoes, sometimes a
suit. I’ll wear something nice like
that and I’ll walk around and see
who’s there. Pretty soon I’ll find
a girl and I’ll follow her for just
a few seconds. Then I’ll run up
quick and grab her shoulder and say
something like, “Hey, Steph!” The
shoulder is good but sometimes I’ll
even grab her waist or her hand. I
try to use a different name every
time, but I end up using “Steph” a
lot. Once they turn around I let go
quick and start to apologize. I’ll
say, “I’m so so sorry, I thought
you were my friend Steph, I-I’m, so
sorry.” I stutter my apology a lot
to sell it more. I do that and they
always buy it because I’m wearing
nice clothes and I’m not that ugly.
It wouldn’t work if I was ugly or I
dressed bad.
(MORE)
‫עכשיו!‬
65.
BUGS BUNNY
What the fuck is wrong with you
Bill Murray.
Steve bats Bill’s hand away.
MOSSAD STEVE
Based on these schedules the next
guard change should be in two
hours. That’s two hours before
Swackhammer knows something is up.
LeBron rifles through the cabinets and fucks up the booth.
BUGS BUNNY
Take it easy.
LEBRON JAMES
I’m looking for painkillers. I have
not had a perc in almost 40 hours
and I’m experiencing withdrawal
symptoms like nausea, muscle
cramping, depression, agitation,
anxiety, and the craving for doing
more percs.
BILL MURRAY
Try chilling out.
BUGS BUNNY
Yeah, that could work.
LEBRON JAMES
I do not think it will work.
MOSSAD STEVE
We do not have time to experience
opiate withdrawal.
BUGS BUNNY
This is nothing. Pressure doesn’t
break you. Remember game six
against the Celtics?
LEBRON JAMES
I was not addicted to percocet
then.
SCOTT VAN PELT

(o.s.)
A bit of Lakers drama.
66.
BILL MURRAY
Hey. They’re talking about your
team.
CLOSE ON: Sportscenter on the TV
SCOTT VAN PELT

When we continue. We’ll be
discussing the Lakers vacancy at
head coach. Days after the news of
Magic Johnson’s resignation, Luke
Walton has parted ways with the
Lakers as well. More Sportscenter,
coming up.
LEBRON JAMES
Magic Johnson gave him AIDS and I
did nothing to help him.
MOSSAD STEVE
We need to focus please.
INT. SPACE VEGAS JAIL CELL - MORNING
ELMER FUDD
Foghorn Leghorn is dead.
YOSEMITE SAM
He’s not dead, he’s just given us a
way out.
DAFFY DUCK
Guard!!!
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Guard!! Guard!! Something is wrong
with Foghorn!
The prison guard walk in.
PRISON GUARD
You better shut up in there if you
know what’s good for you.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Look. We need a doctor, something’s
wrong with Foghorn. He’s passed
out.
PRISON GUARD
Like I give a fuck.
67.
DAFFY DUCK
We’re playing a game tonight. All
five of us. How do you think
Swackhammer is going to react when
he can only pull four of us to
play?
PRISON GUARD
Hmmmmm.
YOSEMITE SAM
Just get the secretary. He can
decide if it’s important enough to
deal with. You cover your ass and
we get Foghorn help.
PRISON GUARD
Take it easy....I’ll see if he’s
around.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Thank you.
The prison guard leaves.
ELMER FUDD
The secretary? He’s not gonna help
us.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

The secretary has worked in
Swackhammer’s office for years
doing nothing but assistant work
and jacking him off, but now he’s
coaching the basketball team? He
absorbed someone’s talent too.
YOSEMITE SAM
And I think I know whose.
The Secretary is now here.
SECRETARY
What’s goign on.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We need to talk to you.
SECRETARY
I heard someone was hurt.
DAFFY DUCK
We’re fine, we just need to talk
for a second.
68.
YOSEMITE SAM
We want to make a deal.
SECRETARY
It looks like he is hurt.
Foghorn Leghorn is still facedown on the ground.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

He’s fine. Listen. You’ve got to
let us out.
SECRETARY
Hahahaha. Alright see ya.
DAFFY DUCK
We can get you what you want.
SECRETARY
I’m sure. Good luck at the game.
With that leg you’re gonna need it.
YOSEMITE SAM
We can help with your... thirst.
The Secretary freezes.
SECRETARY
What.
YOSEMITE SAM
Since you absorbed that coach’s
talent, you haven’t felt the same
have you.
DAFFY DUCK
You take on more than just their
ability. You take on their mind-
set. Their feelings...their
desires.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

If you free us Yosemite Sam will
show you how to use the TOR browser
to access child pornography.
SECRETARY
You can’t be serious.
YOSEMITE SAM
I am.
ELMER FUDD
Jesus Christ.
69.
SECRETARY
How can I trust you.
YOSEMITE SAM
Free me. We’ll settle our business.
When you’re happy we come back and
get them.
The Secretary stares at Yosemite Sam. He pulls a gun on him.
SECRETARY
Let’s go.
The Secretary frees Yosemite Sam and shuts the jail.
The Secretary keeps the gun on Sam and walks him away.
ELMER FUDD
What the fuck.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

It was the only way.
ELMER FUDD
I wish I had killed myself so I
didn’t have to see this.
DAFFY DUCK
We were left with no choice. Rot
here for an eternity of torture or
seize an opportunity to escape. The
longer we wait, the fewer options
we have.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

“Victory comes from finding
opportunities in problems”
-Sun Tzu
ELMER FUDD
Sun Tzu was not talking about child
pornography.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

It was an old book, you can’t be
sure what he was talking about.
ELMER FUDD
It was called The Art of War not
The Art of Child Pornography. I am
sure I know what he was talking
about.
70.
DAFFY DUCK
You are overreacting to this. It’s
not like Yosemite Sam is going to
make child pornography.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

That would be wrong.
DAFFY DUCK
He’s just going to show someone it.
ELMER FUDD
There is no difference.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Ok YOu are being difficult. I admit
what we are doing is not an easy
decision. But there is a clear
difference between making child
pornography and consuming it.
ELMER FUDD
There isn’t. You’re sick both ways.
I feel fucking sick right now.
DAFFY DUCK
What is wrong with you. We are
fucking slaves. Tweety Bird has
been murdered. That psycho is going
to kill us all.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Honestly ask yourself, would you
succumb to a lifetime of actual
torture for your morals? Sure
they’re strong today, but how about
tomorrow? How about in a year? How
about in ten years?
ELMER FUDD
You haven’t given me the option.
We’ve been here one day and you
already made the decision.
DAFFY DUCK
You saw what he did to Tweety. The
longer we wait here the more likely
that happens to us. I won’t die
here.
ELMER FUDD
We should all die here for what
we’ve done here.
71.
Yosemite Sam comes back.
YOSEMITE SAM
We need to go now.
He unlocks the cell.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Get up Foghorn, the plan worked.
Foghorn Leghorn does not get up. Daffy touches him.
DAFFY DUCK
Shit I think Foghorn Leghorn is
actually dead.
ALISON
Hello Sarah.
SARAH
Hello Alison.
ALISON
What do you want to talk about?
SARAH
That is a good question. There are
many different things we could talk
about.
ALISON
I agree. The potential topics are
limitless. Perhaps we should narrow
them down to a core few and then
decide from there.
SARAH
Should we talk about a man?
ALISON
Hmmmm. I do not think that is a
good thing to talk about.
SARAH
Ok. Should we talk about the secret
pedophile rings that permeate
throughout the elite upper class?
72.
ALISON
I do not want to get suicided so
no. I do not think that is a good
thing to talk about.
SARAH
Ok. Should we talk about the
carpet.
ALISON
The carpet is nice. I like the
carpet.
SARAH
I like it the carpet as well too.
ALISON
Good carpet.
SARAH
I have created an idea of what the
carpet feels like based on vision
alone. I have not yet touched the
carpet, but through the power of my
brain I can imagine its texture.
The primary fibers used and the
tactile sensation they would
produce as I drag my hand through
it. I have created an idea of what
the carpet feels like based on
vision alone.
ALISON
Wow.
Sarah touches the carpet.
ALISON (CONT’D)
Now that you have touched the
carpet. How does the reality
compare with your imagined
experience?
SARAH
I could not have been more wrong.
ALISON
Ah.
LeBron, Bugs Bunny, Mossad Steve, and Bill Murray run by.
73.
INT. SPACE VEGAS CASINO HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
MOSSAD STEVE
We need to find the holding cells.
That should be where they are being
held.
BUGS BUNNY
Of course.
BILL MURRAY
I’m ready to die.
LEBRON JAMES
I need methadone or even better
would be more percocet.
MOSSAD STEVE
You’ve got to keep it together
LeBron. Swackhammer must know we’re
here by now. We can’t afford any
mistakes.
BUGS BUNNY
Please keep it together LeBron
James. I’m worried more of my
friends have been killed or
committed suicide.
LEBRON JAMES
I have decided not to keep it
together.
LeBron James leaves.
BUGS BUNNY
This is bad. How will this affect
our plan?
MOSSAD STEVE
It is not good Bugs Bunny.
INT. SPACE ARENA SKYBOX - CONTINUOUS
A security camera watches Steve, Bugs, and Bill Murray.
MOSSAD STEVE
(o.s.)
Not good at all.
MAN IN SHADOWS
For once we agree Steve.
74.
SWACKHAMMER
Master, I have terrible news. It
seems the toons have escaped. Most
of the Nerdlucks have been arrested
for violent crimes as well. Also
the Secretary has abandoned his
coaching duties and if our ISP
finds out what he’s been working on
we will be in even more trouble.
MAN IN SHADOWS
Do not worry about our ISP.
SWACKHAMMER
What should we do about the toons?
They must be recaptured before
tonight’s game. Who is going to
play?
The Man in the Shadows clicks a small remote.
A monitor turns on and shows footage of Yosemite Sam opening

the jail cell and freeing the others.
MAN IN SHADOWS
I’ve risked too much on this game
to lose now.
The Man flexes his left wrist. A sharp glare bursts from his
hand as several diamond rings reflect and catch the light.
MAN IN SHADOWS (CONT’D)

My whole life has been spent
gambling. People say, “Only bet
what you can afford to lose.”
(a beat)
I can’t afford to lose any more.
He moves his hands to control the Minority Report monitors.
He cycles through medical documents and arrives at five skull

x-rays. The outlines clearly belong to Daffy Duck, Yosemite
Sam, Marvin the Martian, Elmer Fudd, and Foghorn Leghorn.
There are small black squares in each skull.

I can’t.
The man clicks the remote.
On the security footage screen we see Foghorn Leghorn’s

motionless body. His head explodes.
75.
INT. SPACE VEGAS HALLWAY - DAY
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

We need to find a car or a
spaceship or a teleporter or
something that will move us away
from here.
DAFFY DUCK
I can’t keep up. I need a
wheelchair or something.
YOSEMITE SAM
There’s no time and I did not bring
a wheelchair.
Yosemite Sam shoots someone.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

The main problem is that we don’t
know where to go. We haven’t been
here before and that is working
against us. If we had been here
before we would know where to go.
But we have not.
DAFFY DUCK
Should we ask for directions.
YOSEMITE SAM
No.
ELMER FUDD
You should ask for directions to
hell, since you will be going
there.
DAFFY DUCK
Are you still complaining about
this cp thing.
ELMER FUDD
Yeah. I am still complaining about
it.
DAFFY DUCK
At this point I am forced to assume
you are making such a big deal out
of it because you yourself have
wrestled with your own pedophilia
and seeing the Secretary’s thirst
fulfilled forced you to confront
the demons you have been
suppressing your whole life.
76.
ELMER FUDD
I think child pornography is wrong
so you assume I am a pedophile.
DAFFY DUCK
I’m afraid that logic and reason
have given me no other conclusion.
BUGS BUNNY
Ehhhh, what’s updocs.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Jesus Christ. Bugs you’re alive.
YOSEMITE SAM
How did you get out of the sewers?
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

How did you get here.
ELMER FUDD
Yosemite Sam accessed child
pornography to facilitate our
escape.
BUGS BUNNY
Ehhh, that’s cool. But I’m thinkin
it’s time we blow this pop stand.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

You know how to get out of here?
BUGS BUNNY
Yeaaaaah. Let’s blow this pop
stand.
DAFFY DUCK
Christ, thank you Bugs. I knew you
would come back for us. I knew you
would.
BUGS BUNNY
Pop stand.
YOSEMITE SAM
Are you feeling alright? Do you
need a cigarette?
BUGS BUNNY
Ehhh, FOllow me. Right through this
door. Let’s go through this door
together.
77.
DAFFY DUCK
Let’s get the fuck out of here.
They open the door and walk into darkness.
INT. DARK HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
The dark hallway is lit by interspersed quasar LED tubes.
It seems to be a tunnel of sorts.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Where now Bugs?
BUGS BUNNY
HehYYyhhzZZzhhhhhh hoooiiiiih.
JJJjjbbbzzzzzz OOOpppooP
SSSSSSSSSSS tand.
YOSEMITE SAM
Bugs, smoke a cigarette and calm
down.
Bugs shimmers in the light.
BUGS BUNNY
Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-
wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wheuuts.
Yosemite Sam produces a cigarette and hands it to Bugs...
...the cigarette goes right through his hand.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

Oh no...
Bugs flickers in the light rapidly before disappearing.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN (CONT’D)

Hologram.
*KR-CHINK* The sound of a large lock echoes in the hallway.
DAFFY DUCK
We have made a large mistake.
BUGS BUNNY
Will this still work without
LeBron?
78.
MOSSAD STEVE
It has to. This is our only shot.
Steve and Bugs walk Bill Murray up to the customer service

desk in the casino. They have him in handcuffs. Steve’s
uniform is a little too baggy, but Bug’s uniform does not fit
him at all. His huge fucking ears are sticking out from his
helmet and canonically he is only three feet tall so the
pants and shirt don’t really fit him either. Also he is a
cartoon which looks different than real people.
MOSSAD STEVE (CONT’D)

Hello. We have just caught someone
who has been counting cards.
BILL MURRAY
I have been caught counting cards.
MOSSAD STEVE
Exactly. And now we would like to
bring him to a holding cell, where
would that be?
CUSTOMER SERVICE GIRL

That’s Bill Murray.
BILL MURRAY
Time for plan B.
Bill Murray raises his arm and activates his quick draw
sleeve gun system. The glock 42 rockets to his hand.
BUGS BUNNY
Bill, no.
BANG. Bill puts a hole in the service girl’s skull.
Her body wriggles a bit but manages to stand tall while blood
seeps out of the new hole in her face. Footsteps approach.
CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY

(o.s.)
Hey Tracy, did we reorganize where
the blanks are? A diamond member
needs a
A customer service guy appears out of the back.
CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY (CONT’D)

reprint of his player card, but I
can’t find the diamond blanks.
79.
Tracy’s body collapses. Her head collides with the counter

surface and stains paperwork with her blood. Her momentum
slides her face off the counter as her body folds on itself.
BILL MURRAY
Scream and-
CUSTOMER SERVICE GUY

AHGHggghGHhhHHHHHHHHHhhhHHHHHHHHH!!
!!
Bill dumps five shots into the customer service guy’s open
mouth. The bullets obliterate his teeth and create exit
wounds at the back of his throat.
The customer service guy collapses on top of the dead girl.

He is not dead, his body writhes and he chokes on blood.
The constant gurgling of fluids creates a geyser and pushes

chunks of his teeth out of the hole in the back of his neck.
BUGS BUNNY
Bill Murray what have you done.
*EEEEeeooHHHH EEEEeeooHHHH* A security alarm starts blaring.
MOSSAD STEVE
We have to go. They have probably
gained knowledge of the murders you
just did.
Bugs jumps over the counter and moves into the back room.
Steve grabs Bill and follows. They slam the door shut.
INT. CASINO CUSTOMER SERVICE BACK ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MOSSAD STEVE
We’re fucked. You shot two people
in the middle of a casino.
BILL MURRAY
(loading a new mag)
It’s about to be more than two.
BUGS BUNNY
Bill Murray, I am beginning to
think you do not care about
rescuing the looney tunes.
Bill Murray inhales alkyl nitrite.
BILL MURRAY
reeaaarrRRRGRGHHHHH!
80.
Bill lowers his shoulder and charges the door.
Inches before contact the door swings back open and knocks
Bill unconscious.
On the other side of the door is a riot shield. A flashbang

pops over the top.
MOSSAD STEVE
ClOS-
*pSHHHHHHHHEW* All white. Ears ringing.
We hear the clinks of more grenades rolling in.
The white light fades as a noxious gas overtakes the room.
By the time the light has faded completely Bugs, Steve, and
Bill Murray are completely passed out.
INT. SPACE ARENA BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
BUGS BUNNY
What’s going on.
MOSSAD STEVE
Where are we.
One arena light turns on.
DAFFY DUCK
Hell.
SWACKHAMMER
Welcome. To the big game.
BILL MURRAY
Let me out of these chains and I’ll
fuck you up bitch. I would scrape
you ho.
Bill Murray spits blood on the ground.
BUGS BUNNY
I’m wondering why I’m here.
SWACKHAMMER
You are probably wondering why you
are here.
A basketball rolls out onto the court.

81.
MAN IN SHADOWS
Put twenty minutes on the clock.
The Man steps out of the shadows.

Actually. Make that twenty days.
His bootcut jeans are revealed. Light catches his bald head.

It’s time for some good,
His hand emerges from the shadows...

Old fashioned,
...One, two, three, four, five....six rings.

Basketball.
It’s Michael Jordan.
MICHAEL JORDAN (CONT’D)

Motherfuckers.
INT. SPACE VEGAS SICK BAY - NIGHT
LEBRON JAMES
I need those percs.
LeBron punches clear through a glass cabinet. He grabs a

random bottle and retracts his glass impaled hand.
CLOSE ON: The bottle reads “Hand Sanitizer”

Percs.
LeBron tries to unscrew the top.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Yo.
LEBRON JAMES
Chamillionaire?
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Put that hand sanitizer down
LeBron.
82.
LEBRON JAMES
I need to get high.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
You’re the best basketball player
in the world. Look at yourself.
LEBRON JAMES
You’re probably not even real.
These are dope hallucinations like
in my favorite movie Trainspotting.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Why are you here LeBron. You made a
promise to Bugs Bunny. You said you
would help him rescue the Looney
Tunes. You said you would help him
rescue the Looney Tunes and here
you are. Alone. Running cabinets
for dope.
LEBRON JAMES
I can’t even fuckin think until I
fix up. Please leave me alone
Chamillionaire.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
I can help you. We want the same
thing.
LEBRON JAMES
I do not want to join the
chamillitary. Also you’re not real.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
I’m not real? Take this.
Chamillionaire gives LeBron James heroin.
LEBRON JAMES
What’s this?
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Heroin.
LEBRON JAMES
I mostly fuck with pills but I will
make an exception in this one case.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
This doctor’s office will have
works on deck.
83.
Chamillionaire produces a cooker. He mixes the heroin with

injection water and citric acid. Chamillionaire applies heat
and stirs the mixture. Next he adds a cigarette filter to
filter out the insoluble particles. He then draws the drug
solution into a syringe.
LEBRON JAMES
Let’s get it.
LeBron tourniquets himself. Chamillionaire injects him.

Thank you Chamillionaire.
There’s a knock at the door.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
No problem.
DOOR VOICE
(o.s.)
Heylo?
LEBRON JAMES
I have to wake up from this dream
now. You have taught me that I was
being selfish. I put my drug
addiction before my promise to Bugs
Bunny and I now realize that was
wrong.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
This is not a dream.
DOOR VOICE
(o.s.)
I coming in chu clean de floors.
LEBRON JAMES
Hahaha. hu.
LeBron’s vision distorts. Objects blend into one another. The

door opens and a janitor walks in.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
You’re nodding dumb off horse.
LEBRON JAMES
This is a nightmare and it is time
to wake up.
LeBron shoulders his kel-tec and shoots the janitor.

84.
JANITOR
AH! Heuhh.
The janitor crashes into his cart. The mop bucket is knocked
to the ground along with him. The janitor tries to stand up,
but his arms are weak. His arms slip on the mixture and he
crashes back to the ground.
JANITOR (CONT’D)
HeuuuuuUUUUUUUHHHHHH.
He tries again to raise himself off the ground. As he lifts

his chest we see blood pour out and mix with the cleaning
solution. He’s far too weak. He collapses again and dies.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Oh no man.
LEBRON JAMES
What have I done.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
We should leave.
INT. SPACE ARENA BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT
BUGS BUNNY
Why are you doing this Michael. We
used to be teammates. We were
friends.
MICHAEL JORDAN
I had money on the game you retard.
FLASHBACK - Space Jam 1

I’m putting money on the game.
NEWMAN FROM SEINFELD

Ok.
BACK TO PRESENT
MICHAEL JORDAN
The only friends I have are George
Washington and Benjamin Frankling
and the other guys who faces are on
the money.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

You don’t have to do this.
85.
MICHAEL JORDAN
You better shut the fuck up before
I kill you dog. It’s time to play
ball.
Michael throws a basketball at Elmer Fudd’s head. He’s

handcuffed and not totally paying attention so it just wrecks
his face, no chance at dodging it.

Do you think anyone would gamble on
a twenty day basketball game
between cartoons? You’d have to be
some sort of degenerate to do that.
Michael points to the suites that line the stadium.
Black outlines of people are visible in each suite.

Luckily I know a few.
BILL MURRAY
Basketball games are usually forty-
eight minutes long. Twenty days is
much longer than that.
DAFFY DUCK
Fuck that. I’m not playing. I
refuse to be your pawn.
MICHAEL JORDAN
Is that so.
MOSSAD STEVE
Do not defy Michael Jordan, Daffy.
YOSEMITE SAM
He has the upper hand.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

You should be a pawn.
Daffy Duck spits on the ground.
DAFFY DUCK
I’ll di-
*BOOM* Michael Jordan clicks the remote and triggers the

plastic explosive in Daffy’s head. His dome explodes and
chunks of duck brain fly all over the other toons.
MICHAEL JORDAN
What was that?
86.
Michael Jordan walks over and presses his toe into Daffy’s
skull. He grinds it into the floor.
BUGS BUNNY
You’re a fucking psycho.
BILL MURRAY
If we’re hooping I need some shoes.
I don’t have any basketball shoes.
THE SPACE JAM THEME by QUAD CITY DJs BEGINS TO PLAY.
MICHAEL JORDAN
(over PA system)
Let us begin.
MONTAGE
-The handcuffs unlock.
-Bugs, Steve, and Bill Murray put on red headbands. Yosemite

Sam, Marvin the Martian, and Elmer put on blue headbands.
-A basketball falls from the ceiling and the game begins.
-The game clock begins counting down from twenty days.
-Men in expensive suits frantically place bets through

landline telephones.
-Mossad Steve euro steps and scores. Yosemite Sam answers

with a three. The teams trade buckets.
-Michael Jordan rubs his bulge through his pants.
-Bill Murray throws up.
-Some bettors celebrate. Others freak out and break phones.
BACK TO SCENE
BUGS BUNNY
How do we get out of this.
MOSSAD STEVE
It does not look good. It appears
Michael Jordan has installed
plastic explosives in our skulls
that can be remotely triggered at
his will.
87.
BUGS BUNNY
I do not want the plastic explosive
in my head to be remotely
triggered.
BILL MURRAY
I was talking a big game earlier
but i am scared to die.
BUGS BUNNY
It killed Daffy Duck instantly.
MOSSAD STEVE
We have to destroy Michael’s
remote. Our only option is some
sort of electromagnetic pulse.
BUGS BUNNY
How do we set off an EMP?
MOSSAD STEVE
Like this.
Mossad Steve spear tackles Marvin the Martian. He grabs him

with one hand on his crotch and one on his throat.
MARVIN THE MARTIAN

no. Mossad Steve, what are you
doing.
Steve raises Marvin off the ground and launches him directly
into the scoreboard.
Marvin connects with the electronic scoreboard and creates a

thunderstorm of sparks. His body seizes before crashing down
to the court. Steve looks up to the skybox.
INT. SPACE ARENA SKYBOX - CONTINUOUS
Michael Jordan frowns at the damage to the court. He shakes

his head and stares at Steve. He presses the button.
Nothing.
Michael checks the remote and presses again. Nothing.
The monitors start to fuck up. Their pictures turn to static.
Michael presses the remote rapidly. Over and over. No

response.
He snaps it in his hand, tosses it, and exits.

88.
INT. SPACE ARENA BASKETBALL COURT - CONTINUOUS
MOSSAD STEVE
The EMP worked. Now’s our chance.
BUGS BUNNY
What about Marvin.
YOSEMITE SAM
He died for the cause.
BILL MURRAY
A warrior’s death.
ELMER FUDD
A jew threw him into a large
computer.
MOSSAD STEVE
Not important. Right now it’s time
for the final battle.
BUGS BUNNY
I am still in shock that Michael
Jordan has been so consumed by
greed. His eyes have hollowed and
his soul blackened. He killed Daffy
in front of me...but still. But
still I see my friend. My teammate.
I find it hard to accept the man I
once knew is completely gone.
BILL MURRAY
That’s fucking stupid.
MOSSAD STEVE
You never knew the real Michael.
Only a shadow.
YOSEMITE SAM
Michael Jordan is our foe and
tonight he will die by our hands.
BUGS BUNNY
You are right.
Bugs takes out a knife and cuts his hand deep. He squeezes
and allows the blood to drip out of his closed fist.

When my past feelings of friendship
arise I will focus on this pain in
my hand and forget them.
(MORE)
89.

Chicago Bulls legend Michael Jordan
will pay for his crimes with his
life.
INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Are you good.
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
You sure?
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah. I’m chilling off this heroin.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Cool. It’s going to be time for the
final battle soon. Will you be
ready for that?
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah. This heroin has gotten me
amped up actually.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Cool.
LEBRON JAMES
You’re good at driving this
helicopter Chamillionaire.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Thank you.
LEBRON JAMES
What’s the plan.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
I am going to fly this helicopter
into the main tower in order to
kill Michael Jordan 9/11 style.
LEBRON JAMES
What.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
I will emulate the style of the
9/11 terrorist attacks (aircraft
into building) in order to murder
Michael Jordan.
90.
LEBRON JAMES
Michael Jordan?
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Yes. He is the puppet master behind
this whole operation.
LEBRON JAMES
I didn’t know that.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
He is.
LEBRON JAMES
Even so. I can’t in good conscience
agree with this plan.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
It’s a good plan. I was talking to
Tim Duncan about it and he said it
was a good plan.
LEBRON JAMES
Tim said that?
CHAMILLIONAIRE
No. I was lying. I’ve never spoken
to Tim Duncan. About my 9/11 plan
or about anything at all. I don’t
know what he would say about it but
I thought the idea of a fellow nba
legend agreeing with me would
comfort you before the crash.
LEBRON JAMES
This is fucking with my high.
EXT. SPACE VEGAS ROOF - NIGHT
Michael Jordan twirls a spear that has an uzi attached to the

bottom end and a bunch of nails sticking through the top.
MICHAEL JORDAN
It was always meant to end like
this.
Steve digs his feet into the ground, setting his stance.
MOSSAD STEVE
Yes. It was always meant to end.
91.
BUGS BUNNY
All this, just for money? Tweety
Bird, Foghorn Leghorn, Daffy Duck.
All dead. Why Michael?
MICHAEL JORDAN
I love to gamble.
ELMER FUDD
Foghorn Leghorn killed himself.
It’s unclear if it was by accident
or on purpose.
BUGS BUNNY
Why?
MICHAEL JORDAN
I love gambling a lot. I also have
immense space debts to several
creditors and if I didn’t deliver
soon they would cut off my hands.
The revenue from the twenty day
game would have been enough to
cover my debts and then also keep
gambling some more.
BUGS BUNNY
Why did you trap us in the sewers?
MICHAEL JORDAN
I didn’t do that.
YOSEMITE SAM
What about the Nerdlucks?
MICHAEL JORDAN
Can’t remember.
BILL MURRAY
I’ll fucking kill you myself.
Bill Murray rushes Michael, but he effortlessly sidesteps

him. MJ carries his momentum into a wide swing of his
staff...
...the nail end connects with Elmer’s head, killing him

instantly.
Yosemite Sam draws his six-shooter and dumps it, but only
manages to hit Michael’s afterimage.
92.
MOSSAD STEVE
Michael Jordan is an expert in
stick-fighting, gun kata, and muay
thai.
Michael drags Elmer’s body across the pavement. Elmer’s blood

draws a bloody line in the ground. MJ puts his foot on
Elmer’s neck and rips the staff out of his head.
BUGS BUNNY
How do we kill him.
BILL MURRAY
He’s too powerful.
YOSEMITE SAM
We just form a fucking wall that’s
all we do.
Michael sinks into the ground before super jumping twenty

feet into the sky.
MOSSAD STEVE
MOVE.
Michael unleashes a bullet rain from his uzi pewpewpewpew.
Steve, Bugs, Sam, and Bill all split into separate

directions.
Michael crashes back to earth. Everyone attacks him, but he

spins and parries every strike and shot.
YOSEMITE SAM
His defense is impregnable.
BUGS BUNNY
We have not practiced fighting as
much as him.
MOSSAD STEVE
There may be only one way to break
his posture. A sacrifice.
BILL MURRAY
As long as I am not the one being
sacrificed I agree.
BUGS BUNNY
You already sacrificed Marvin the
Martian. Is it truly the only way?
I feel like we rely on sacrificing
too much.
93.
YOSEMITE SAM
Mossad Steve is a master of modern
war tactics. If he believes this is
the only option, I agree.
MOSSAD STEVE
It is the only option.
BUGS BUNNY
Who among us will die to tip the
scales.
BILL MURRAY
Not me.
MOSSAD STEVE
I will do it. My conscience has
weighed heavily for far too long.
It’s time I-
Mossad Steve runs into Yosemite Sam and slots one of his
deagles in the Sam’s armpit. He charges forward, blasting and
using Sam as a human shield.
Michael Jordan spins his spear and deflects bullets.
Steve dumps the magazine and continues his charge.
MJ moves into a javelin position and launches it...
YOSEMITE SAM
Heeuuh.
The impact is so powerful it knocks Sam and Steve back

against the wall.
The spear has pierced Sam’s heart and Steve’s stomach. They
are both pinned to the wall like a shish kebab.
MOSSAD STEVE YOSEMITE SAM (CONT'D)

AGHHH! FUCK. I ALMosT hAD (coughing up blood)
YOU. Bruap. Daj. Hhhhh .iii ...ji
iii.jjjjjhhhhhhh J jj.
Michael Jordan pulls out two sawed off shotguns.
MICHAEL JORDAN
Bill Murray and Bugs Bunny. Are you
ready to die or do you want to suck
each others cocks one last time.
*SWA SWA SWA*

94.
BUGS BUNNY
Kill us then. I’ve been dead for
years.
BILL MURRAY
We don’t suck each other’s cocks.
*SWA SWA SWA*
MICHAEL JORDAN
(raising shotgun)
That’s all folks.
*SWASWASWASWASWASWASWASWASWASWA*
A fuckin helicopter rises up behind Michael.
INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS
Chamillionaire hammers the cyclic.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
$15,000 for a picture mothafucka
say some shit to me now.
LEBRON JAMES
Jesus christ.
Chamillionaire tilts the helicopter on a 45° angle and

accelerates. The blades are aimed right at Michael Jordan.
EXT. SPACE VEGAS ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Michael Jordan spins and shoots at the helicopter...
...but the chopper can’t be stopped.
The blades lacerate Michael’s left arm first and cause him to
drop his guns.
In seconds the blades reach his chest and start to cut him.
MICHAEL JORDAN
FHAHEHHHHHHHHAFHGHHHHHH!!
Chamillionaire expertly halts the helicopter, allowing the

blades to only cut Michael a few inches deep.

AGJAJHFAHFHHHHHAHFHHHHHHH
FUAFUCKKKKKCKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
95.
INT. HELICOPTER - CONTINUOUS
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Get a picture of this shit.
LEBRON JAMES
You’re fuckin crazy man.
EXT. SPACE VEGAS ROOF - CONTINUOUS
Chamillionaire tilts the helicopter forward and allows the

blades to fully cut Michael Jordan in half at the chest.
BUGS BUNNY
Holy shit.
Bill Murray shoots Michael’s lower half a bunch.
BILL MURRAY
We did it.
Chamillionaire parks the helicopter on top of Michael

Jordan’s head. The helicopter crushes da fuck out of him.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
Nice to meet you Bugs Bunny. I am
Chamillionaire.
BUGS BUNNY
Hey.
LEBRON JAMES
Bugs, it’s so good to see you. Are
you ok? Did you rescue your
friends?
BUGS BUNNY
They are all dead except for Bill
Murray and to be honest he is not
really my friend.
Bill Murray continues shooting Michael’s body parts.
LEBRON JAMES
At least you are ok.
BUGS BUNNY
I do not think I am ok.
CHAMILLIONAIRE
On my album Ultimate Victory I
don’t say the n word at all. Not
even once.
96.
BUGS BUNNY
I need a cigarette.
Bugs sits on the edge of the building and smokes. His legs
dangle and winds blow softly. LeBron joins him.
LEBRON JAMES
I am sorry for abandoning you when
you needed me most.
BUGS BUNNY
It’s fine. You saved us. Michael
was fucking us up bad before you
got here. He threw a spear through
Yosemite Sam and Steve. He got both
of them in one throw.
LEBRON JAMES
I valued heroin above our
friendship. I will never do that
again.
BUGS BUNNY
You’re doing heroin now?
LEBRON JAMES
Yes.
Bill Murray is still shooting Michael’s dead body. For all of

this there is a constant sound of sustained distant gunfire,
a slight break for reloading, and then more gunfire.
BUGS BUNNY
What now.
LEBRON JAMES
I need to practice basketball. I
missed the playoffs this year
because my teammates suck and I was
addicted to percocet and i skipped
a bunch of games at the end.
BUGS BUNNY
Yeah.
Bugs Bunny smokes cigarette. He feels the wind on his fur.

Welp see ya.
98.
TYRONN LUE (CONT’D)

LeBron. You ready? Got a big season
in front of us this year. The boys
are even talking about winning the
whole thing.
LeBron rotates something small in his hand.
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah. Yeah I’m ready.
He tosses the small object into his gym bag.

Just gotta lace up, I’ll see you in
a second.
Lue nods and exits. The door closes behind him.
CLOSE ON: The object is a 1 month recovery chip
LeBron begins tying his shoes. The door opens again.

Yeah, I’m coming, I’m coming.
UNKNOWN VOICE
(o.s.)
I’m comin in chu
LeBron looks up to see a janitor.
JANITOR (CONT’D)
clean de floors.
LeBron’s eyes widen.
SNAP.
FLASHBACK MONTAGE -- LEBRON’S TRAUMA
A soft static sound begins playing. *skkkkkkrrrrxxX*
-- A POV shot of an indoor basketball gym roof.
-- LeBron clutches his weapon high on heroin in the space

vegas medical bay.
-- Young LeBron stands at center court, nervous.
-- The dead space vegas Janitor lies facedown in spilled

cleaning supplies. His blood mixes in.
The static gets louder. *skksskkrkrrkkkxkKRRKKKKXXXX*

99.
-- The older boy takes young LeBron’s headband off. LeBron

drops the basketball.
VOICE
(v.o.)
Hello?
*skkrKRKSRKKRKSSKKRKKRSKXKXKXKXKXXXXXXXX*
-- Chamillionaire injects LeBron with heroin. His eyes roll

back.
-- LeBron shoots the vegas janitor. The janitor crashes into

his cart.
VOICE (CONT’D)
(v.o.)
Helloooo?
-- The janitor struggles to pick himself up after being shot.
*SKRRSSXXXXXXXXXXX*
-- The older boy kisses LeBron.
-- LeBron shoots the vegas janitor.
VOICE (CONT’D)
(v.o.)
Hellllooo?
*SKRRSSXXXXXXXXXXX*
-- Chamillionaire injects LeBron with heroin
-- The janitor crashes into his cart.
-- The older boy gets on his knees. LeBron looks up at the

gym roof.
-- The dead janitor lies facedown in the cleaning fluid.
*SKSKKSKXKRKRKXSKKRSKRKXKSKXKSKRXKSRKX*
VOICE (CONT’D)
(v.o.)
Hellooo? Is some-
-- Chamillionaire injects LeBron with heroin
-- Chamillionaire fills the needle with heroin
-- LeBron shoots the janitor *BANG*

100.
The static stops. Quiet.
-- Basketball Gym, 1999 --
LeBron stares at the gym roof while the older boy pleasures
him. The gym is quiet. Suddenly footsteps.
A key turns.
A door opens.
A cart comes in. A janitor pushes it through.
JANITOR
Helloo? Is someone her-
LeBron panics and struggles to pull his shorts up. In a

frenzy he knees the older boy in the face.
JANITOR (CONT’D)
Oh my god. I’m. I’m sorry.
OLDER KID
What the fuck. What the fuck were
you making me do.
LEBRON JAMES
What- I- Making?
JANITOR
I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t be-You
shouldn’t be doing that here.
The older kid runs away.
LEBRON JAMES
I wasn’t.
JANITOR
(v.o.)
Clean de-
BACK TO SCENE
JANITOR (CONT’D)
Floors? I’m here to clean de
floors.
LeBron stares ahead.
A 1000 yard stare would not be long enough.
LEBRON JAMES
Yeah-I’m. I’m leaving now.
101.
LeBron grabs his bag and leaves.
INT. LEBRON’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
CLOSE ON: LeBron’s phone shows several missed calls and texts
from Tyronn Lue.
His phone buzzes again and LeBron turns it off.
He sits in his computer chair playing Paper Mario: The

Thousand Year Door. A cigarette butt hangs off his lips.
His arm falls off the armrest and hangs. A disposable

tourniquet is loosely tied to his arm.
He sets the controller down and taps a small bag, pouring

heroin into the cooker. He mixes the heroin with injection
water and citric acid. Next he applies heat and stirs the
mixture. He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and puts it
out on the table. He tosses the butt into the mixture.
LeBron draws the drug mixture into a syringe.
He flicks the syringe twice to rid the air bubbles.
THE SPACE JAM THEME by QUAD CITY DJs BEGINS TO PLAY.
QUAD CITY DJS

COME ON AND SLAM!
FADE OUT.
THE END

Space Jam 2

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SPACE JAM 2

2000 Avenue of the Stars

A YOUNG BOY (14, headband) rotates around the three point

The Young Boy doesn’t miss.

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

SWISH. SWISH. SWISH.

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

He pivots on a dime and explodes to the opposite basket.

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

He spins and glides the ball between his legs.

Crossover. Hesitation. It’s a handles clinic.

He approaches the basket and gathers into a euro-step.

OLDER KID (CONT’D)

He takes off and brings down a reckless two handed slam.

SUPERIMPOSE: Akron, Ohio. 1999

INT. STAPLES CENTER BASKETBALL COURT - NIGHT

SUPERIMPOSE: Los Angeles, California. 2019

Tony starts to cook.

Tony dribbles between his legs. Lonzo bites and whiffs on a

INT. STAPLES CENTER SIDELINE - CONTINUOUS

The Lakers regroup at their bench. Luke is sweating bullets.

CLOSE ON: The scoreboard reads “LA 27 - 94 CHA”

LONZO BALL (CONT'D)

LeBron stares at the scoreboard, not listening at all.

He snaps back to the game.

KUZMA / HART / BALL

LeBron’s frown turns into a devilish grin.

THE COOL PART OF BLOCK ROCKIN BEATS by CHEMICAL BROTHERS

The players take the court in S L O W M O T I O N.

The ref blows his whistle. Game on.

INT. ROLLS ROYCE PHANTOM BACKSEAT - NIGHT

LeBron sits in the backseat with a big fuckin frown on his

SPORTS RADIO GUY 1

SPORTS RADIO GUY 2

SPORTS RADIO GUY 1

SPORTS RADIO GUY 1 (CONT'D)

SPORTS RADIO GUY 2

SPORTS RADIO GUY 1

LeBron sighs and reaches into his duffel bag. He withdraws a

EXT. JAMES MANOR - NIGHT

INT. JAMES MANOR - CONTINUOUS

Savannah starts to cry a bunch. LeBron leaves the room.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

LeBron throws up into the toilet.

LEBRON JAMES (CONT’D)

LeBron stares into himself.

LEBRON JAMES (CONT’D)

LeBron spits into the toilet.

WE SLOWLY DRIFT ACROSS THE BATHROOM TO THE TOILET.

LeBron flushes the toilet.

WE LAUNCH DOWN INTO THE TOILET AND FOLLOW LEBRON’S WASTE

INT. SEWER SYSTEM - CONTINUOUS

WE REACH AN OPENING AND EMERGE INTO A LARGER SEWER ROOM.

TITLES: “Space Jam 2”

INT. SEWER ROOM - NIGHT

PORKY THE PIG

PORKY THE PIG

PORKY THE PIG

PORKY THE PIG

ERRRRRRRR The buzzer sounds. 176-54.