JULY 23rd, 2017

DRAFT ONE
1 EXT. APARTMENT - MORNING 1

PAN and PUSH IN on balcony.

2 INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 2

B-roll of hand turning the oven on and turning it up with

buttons to 415

EVIL SIMON (O.S.)

Communication... listen carefully...
you can do breakfasts in bed, you
can... take someone out on your dime,
but in the end if you're not hearing
what the other person's laying down,
you're toast.
(beat)
Gotta be attentive, that's the key to
a good relationship... that's the
key...

B-roll of hand grabbing bread from cupboard

B-roll of note that says "Evil Simon, for the last time the
'war on christmas' is not a real war and setting up for it
this early isn't going to bring you 'honour,' please take our
box of string lights back to storage. ~ Good Simon"

B-roll of hand turning the oven up 5 more degrees so its at

420

B-roll of hand tossing multiple pieces of bread in the oven.

B-roll of hand tossing pop tart in the oven.

B-roll of calendar with "Good Simon and Lady Date"

B-roll of hand opening oven and reaching for bread/pop tarts,

but accidentally touches hot part and clutches hand. Hand
then closes oven and moves to drawer, opens drawer and
extracts spatula.

B-roll of Good Simon sleeping in his bed.

B-roll of outside.

B-roll of hand using spatula to lay toasted pieces of bread

on counter.

B-roll of Good Simon's date night money stash.

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 2.

B-roll hand grabbing something from the cupboard.

B-roll of hand opening drawer and grabbing knife.

B-roll of light switch being switched.

Pan over to Good Simon sprawled on his bed in just a shirt

and boxer shorts now completely illuminated. He has a dress
shirt at his feet.

Good Simon wakes a bit confused and notices an iPad near him
with a sticky note on it that says "Play Me."

Good Simon removes the sticky note and presses play.

On the iPad screen is Evil Simon made up to look like the

doll from SAW.

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

Wakey wakey eggs an bac-ey.

GOOD SIMON
Simon!

CUT TO:

3 INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - TALKING HEAD 3

Talking head shot with Evil Simon looking like he just took
off his Saw Doll makeup.

EVIL SIMON (O.S.)

...oh... also mind games.

beat.

beat.

beat.

MICHAEL
(coming around bathroom corner)
Uhhh hey...

EVIL SIMON
(looking back over shoulder)
Ya?

MICHAEL
Oh sorry are you?

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 3.

EVIL SIMON
No no it's fine, what's up?

MICHAEL
Well... bout to do laundry annnd looks
like Good Simon used up the detergent
and things annnnd didn't replace them
even though-

EVIL SIMON
You bought them last time?

MICHAEL
Yep.

EVIL SIMON
(aside to camera)
And they call me the "evil" one.

MICHAEL
You mind if I use some of your pods?

EVIL SIMON
Ya ya go ahead.

MICHAEL
Coool ummm... and how do they... I
just like throw them in with the
clothes?

EVIL SIMON
Uhh ya like one per load, two if it's
big.

MICHAEL
Huh, easy enough.

EVIL SIMON
They're the best man.

Michael disappears into the washroom before popping out

again.

MICHAEL
Hey!
(beat)
Can't spell best without E.S!

EVIL SIMON
(points to ES on chest)
Uh.. ayooooo!

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 4.

MICHAEL
Ayyyy! Aha owe ya one!

Michael exits scene and Evil Simon turns back towards camera.

EVIL SIMON
(sighs)
So anyway... I... want to play a game.

CUT TO:

4 INTRO CREDITS 4

Intro Credits...

5 INT. APARTMENT - GOOD SIMON'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 5

Good Simon on his bed watching Evil Saw Doll Simon on iPad.

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

-ant to play a game.

Good Simon goes to pause video.

GOOD SIMON
Uhhh no.

EVIL SIMON
(peeking around corner)
It's rhetorical you have to.

GOOD SIMON
Simon now's not-

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

Until now, you've simply laid in
shadows, slapping your meat to
tentacle hentai-

GOOD SIMON
(squinting and shaking head)
I do not.
(into camera)
I do not.

EVIL SIMON(O.S.)
You should try it, it's great!

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

But today is different... today you
have an important first date with a...

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 5.

very special lady. And for that you're

going to need...
(holds up date night money stash
box, shakes it)
...money.

GOOD SIMON
I still have a credit card!

EVIL SIMON (O.S.)

No you don't I'm using it to see a
movie!

MICHAEL (O.S.)
Wait what kind of movie?

EVIL SIMON
New installment of a series that had a
good first installment, but was
thought to be dead because they
haven't come out with a new one in
ages.
(spikes camera)

beat.

MICHAEL (O.S.)
Pass...

EVIL SIMON
Okay then byyyyyyyee... have fun!

GOOD SIMON
(cringing and collapsing head back)
(to Evil Simon)
Ughh really not in the-

Apartment door audibly slams.

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

We're going to find out if someone
soooo... moody is worthy of that
night.
(beat)
Listen very carefully... on the floor
of your room I've coated your bread
in... as you can see, what appears to
be our deadliest allergy... peanut
butter. As you and I both know, the
slightest touch could send you into
anaphalactic shock, perhaps swelling
your throat and robbing you of speech.

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 6.

(beat)
At the foot of your bed is your only
good dress shirt. To cross to your
safety you must use it as an island,
ruining your ability to wear it
tonight on your date.
(beat)
You have a choice Simon... your
vanity... or your voice. Good luck.

GOOD SIMON
Well I mean obviously my voice.
(looking down at peanut butter
bread and holding nose)
(looks towards Michael's bedroom)
Michael... little help here?
(beat)
Michael?

Camera meanders to Michael's room.

Michael is folding laundry.

MICHAEL
Sorry pretty busy with laundry...
(under breath)
No thanks to you.

CUT TO:

6 INT. APARTMENT - MICHAEL'S ROOM - TALKING HEAD 6

Talking head with Michael.

MICHAEL
Hey I've told him before I'm not gonna
be one of those roommates that keeps
score, if you finish something,
replace it, that's all I ask...

GOOD SIMON (O.S.)

Evil Simon you're not even paying
rent!

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Ugh and like why he always need to cut
E.S. down like that?

Michael opens his mouth to yell.

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 7.

CUT BACK TO:

7 INT. APARTMENT - GOOD SIMON'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 7

Good Simon debating how to get across peanut butter sea.

Good Simon tries a couple techniques before finally becoming

frustrated and giving in to the "good shirt on peanut butter
technique."

Good Simon makes it to safety and looks into Michael's room.

Michael is folding a pile of laundry with his headphones in

while quietly mouthing Chainsmokers lyrics.

MICHAEL
(to self)
...we were staying in Paris... let's
show them we are better.. let's show
them we are, show them we are...

Good Simon makes his way into the Kitchen where on the
whiteboards is a giant dry erase sign that says "Your Next
Challenge Awaits" with an arrow pointing towards the
washroom.

Good Simon begins to head towards the washroom, but seems to

be conflicted about something.

He turns back and opens the cupboard to see that his pop
tarts are once again missing.

Good Simon then reaches behind the poptarts and pulls out a
roll of Garbage bags.

Good Simon opens the cupboard below the sink and pulls out
gloves and a face mask.

CUT TO:

Good Simon picking up the pieces of peanut butter bread and

throws them in a trash bag.

CUT TO:

Good Simon drops off the garbage bag near the apartment front
door. Then turns to the washroom. On the washroom door is
written in electrical tape "Remember... X marks the spot."

Good Simon shakes his head and walks in.

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 8.

Inside the washroom the Drifter's body from Episode One is

still in the tub, though now it's face is curiously covered
in duct tape.

GOOD SIMON
Wha... still? The one thing I asked of
him...
()

Good Simon then goes to work looking around the washroom for
the 'X'

GOOD SIMON
(sighs)
Okay... X marks the spot, x... marks
the spot.

Quick Hits:

• searching cupboard

• searching under toilet seat

• searching behind drifter

• finishes by moving a magazine on the top of the toilet

Underneath the magazine is the word 'RAKEL' in electrical

tape.

Good Simon rolls his eyes yet again before lifting the lid
off the tank.

Inside is a ziplock bag with another iPad in it. On the iPad

is a sticky note that says "play me"

GOOD SIMON
(to self)
Where is he getting all these iPads?

CUT TO:

8 INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - TALKING HEAD 8

Evil Simon talking head.

EVIL SIMON
Alright so you know how you always
hear about suicides in iPhone
factories... and how they have to put
up nets to stop jumpers... well
because _
i-PAD -

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 9.

(holds up iPad)
-factories don't get the same
attention. They don't even bother with
the nets. So if you wait long enough,
once the last of a batch of workers
paints the parking lot, you can just
waltz right in and nab an arm
full...only downside is afterwords you
might need new shoes...
(beat)
On the plus side there were kids
making my brand literally across the
road from the factory I went to...
(beat)
Talk about serendipity huh...

CUT BACK TO:

9 INT. APARTMENT - WASHROOM - CONTINUOUS 9

Good Simon presses play on the iPad and Evil Saw Doll Simon
pops up again.

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

Yes that's right, your ex marked the
spot. Because if you are worthy of
this new partner you must confront
____ past, do you have what it take to
your
overcome the old lazy loser you once
were?

GOOD SIMON
Evil Simon you're not even paying
rent!

MICHAEL (O.S.)
You know you're talking to an iPad
right!

GOOD SIMON
I thought you had your headphones in!

CUT TO:

10 INT. APARTMENT - MICHAEL'S ROOM - TALKING HEAD 10

Michael folding clothes in room talking head

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 10.

MICHAEL
(yelling to washroom)
Funny how there are certain
expectations we have of each other
hey? Things that would normally deter
gent-lmen such as ourselves from
arguments...
(beat)
(to camera)
I think he got the message.

GOOD SIMON (O.S.)

What???

MICHAEL
(to camera)
Ugh.. never listens.

CUT BACK TO:

11 INT. APARTMENT - WASHROOM - CONTINUOUS 11

Evil Saw Doll Simon on screen.

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

You asked me to get rid of this simple
drifter because you were too weak too.

GOOD SIMON
No that's-

EVIL SIMON (ON IPAD)

But if you would like to know the
location of your date night savings
you will have to lug him down deep
into the catacombs of this building
where your storage locker dwells.
(beat)
There you will find a plastic bin...
currently playing host to the acid
capable of dissolving the body, you
know... just like Breaking Bad...
begging the question... are you strong
enough... to deserve the happiness you
seek?

As the video ends Good Simon looks to the drifter in the tub.

Quick Hits:

• Good Simon trying to get the drifter out of the tub

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 11.

• Good Simon gets the drifter out of the tub

• Good Simon drags the corpse to the front of the apartment

and props open the door, then while catching his breath-

MICHAEL (O.S.)
Don't forget your toast!

Good Simon lugs the bag over his shoulder and starts to drag
the body as well as the toast bag to the elevator.

12 INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 12

Good Simon exhausted on the elevator with the bag of peanut

butter toast and what is clearly a body.

The elevator doors open to an unsuspecting resident.

GOOD SIMON
Oh um... no no no no... it's uh... a
Christmas tree?

The unsuspecting resident does not get on the elevator and

the doors close. Clearly the resident didn't believe him.

Good Simon looks exhausted. He's had enough of this day

already.

13 INT. PARKING GARAGE - CONTINUOUS 13

Quick hits of Good Simon dragging body across parking garage.

14 INT. PARKING GARAGE - OUTSIDE STORAGE LOCKER ROOM - TALKING 14

HEAD

GOOD SIMON
(catching breath)
So okay this is probably gonna sound
strange, and obviously I would never
tell Evil Simon this, but... going
through these, uh, what are they...
challenges? Is kinda putting how much
I care about this new girl in
perspective. Like I was thinking...
back there by that Camry-
(points off camera)
-and I don't know if there's been a
girl I'd do this for... ya know. It's
like a new appreciation...

CUT TO:

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 12.

15 INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - TALKING HEAD 15

EVIL SIMON
(seems sincere)
That's right, plot twist, turns out
maybe I'm not as machiavellianly evil
as I appear?

16 INT. STORAGE LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 16

Good Simon props open the door and makes his way into the
storage locker room.

He gently lowers the drifter's corpse to the ground and walks

towards the open unit locker. Inside is a plastic bin.

Good Simon enters the locker and opens the bin to find empty
laundry detergent bottle (or perhaps neutral simon) is in it.

Just as the realization hits him the storage locker door

shuts behind him and the lock can be heard audibly clicking
into place.

GOOD SIMON
Wha...
(looks down at lock then back up)
Why?

Camera pans to Michael standing outside the cage.

MICHAEL
(holding a TIDE laundry detergent
pod in his hand)
If you have to ask, then that's why.

GOOD SIMON
Dude c'mon, stop playing and let me
out.

MICHAEL
Sorry man, just following the rules.

GOOD SIMON
Rules!? What the fuck are you talking
about? Michael... Michael...

Michael stops just before the exiting. Has a moment of doubt,

then goes back towards the lock and reaches into his pocket.

GOOD SIMON
Thank you I knew-

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 13.

(Good Simon looks confused)

What the fuck is that?

CLOSE UP on Skor Bar Michael slides beneath the cage.

MICHAEL
So you don't starve.

Michael heads back for the exit.

GOOD SIMON
Wait wait wait! Whatever he's paying
you I'll double it.

MICHAEL
This isn't about payment, it's about
principle... well principle and
pods... which by the way we're
switching over to.

Michael leaves out the door and the camera pans back in on
Good Simon in the cage who is bewildered, absolutely
dumbfounded... until a rustle can be heard and Good Simon
looks down at the drifter's body.

The camera pans back outside the cage and we watch as the
drifter begins to rise from the ground and tear off the
garbage bags revealing Evil Simon.

EVIL SIMON
Gotta say I'm impressed. You must
really want to tentacle this girl.

GOOD SIMON
God damn it Simon where's my money?

EVIL SIMON
Uggh you were so close to earning that
date... but even after all you've been
through, you're still missing the most
important skill: listening. Had you
acted on what you heard and not what
you Saw then ma-

GOOD SIMON
What are you talking a- would you stop
monologuing! Where's my money? And for
the love of all that is holy would let
me out please.

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 14.

EVIL SIMON
But I've already told you where your
money is... don't you remember?

Evil Simon reaches into the peanut butter toast garbage bag
and pulls out a slice. Good Simon is bewildered.

EVIL SIMON
Almond butter G.S.-

CUT TO:

17 FLASHBACK 17

(1) Evil Simon in Saw Doll Costume saying "...what appears to

be peanut butter..." from earlier scene.

(2) Evil Simon taking out secret jar of Almond Butter.

CUT BACK TO:

18 INT. STORAGE LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 18

EVIL SIMON
-as harmless and feeble as the
liberals that buy it. You don't think
I'd really hurt my own flesh and
blood?

CUT TO:

19 INT. APARTMENT - LIVING ROOM - TALKING HEAD 19

EVIL SIMON
(beat)
Neutral Simon doesn't count... his
impact on the world was net zero.

CUT BACK TO:

20 INT. STORAGE LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 20

Evil Simon slides the slice under the cage where it's picked
up by Good Simon. He looks at it questionably.

EVIL SIMON
Tell me, what's that you're holding?

GOOD SIMON
Toast... with apparently Almond
Butter?

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 15.

EVIL SIMON
Don't you mean... bread with Almond
Butter?

GOOD SIMON
Well people don't generally call
toast...

Good Simon has epiphany.

CUT TO:

21 FLASHBACK 21

Hits overlaid with score from Saw:

(1) Evil Simon in Saw Doll Costume saying "...spread over

your bread..." from earlier scene.

(2) Evil Simon making holes in the tops of the toasts.

(3) Evil Simon taking money from Rainy Day Savings Box and
placing it into holes.

(4) Evil Simon lathering Almond Butter over top of holes. Pan
up to "Merry Christmas"

CUT BACK TO:

22 INT. STORAGE LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS 22

Good Simon snaps out of epiphany and tears through bread with
Almond Butter to find a dime.

Saw soundtrack fades into Evil Simon's phone playing the tune
in the storage locker room.

EVIL SIMON
Ohp... my alarm.
(pulls phone out and shuts it off)
There we go...
(slinging toast bag over shoulder)
Alright well... if you'll excuse me I
have a date I need to prep for... not
that I need to as I'm already equipped
with the most important feature of any
relationship-

GOOD SIMON
(defeated/annoyed)
Listening ski-

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 16.

EVIL SIMON
A huge penis... oh well ya that too.
Anyway don't worry, that box of
Christmas lights in there?

GOOD SIMON
(sighs)
No... you didn't bring it down from
the apartment yet.

EVIL SIMON
Damn... had tentacle manga stache'd
inside... coulda had yourself a fun
night too.
(beat)
Well... promise I'll be back to let
you out!
(beat)
But it will be much later... maybe
like... when christmas season begins?
You let me know!

Evil Simon leaves storage locker room.

Good Simon finds an iPad in his cell/locker. And turns it on.

GOOD SIMON
Let me guess...

Breaking bad intro music plays...

GOOD SIMON
Huh... nice surprise.

CUT TO CREDITS:

23 CREDITS 23

SIMON VS SIMON

STARING SIMON

AND ALSO SIMON

AND ONE NON-SIMON

24 INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LAUNDRY ROOM 24

Good Simon with Santa Clause hat and a TIDE PODS CONTAINER in
one hand tosses his peanut butter stained dress shirt into a
washer with his other. He then extracts a pod and while

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 17.

reading the container tosses the pod in with the shirt,

closes the door and starts the machine before looking up from
instructions.

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