SEINFELD: THE SWITCH

EPISODE 11 | SEASON 6

by

Larry David
Jerry Seinfeld
Bruce Kirschbaum
Sam Henry Kass
INT. PRO SHOP AT MANHATTAN PLAZA RACQUET CLUB - DAY

JERRY
C’mon lets go.

ELAINE
No wait, I gotta go in here and
pick up Mr. Pitt's tennis racquet.

JERRY
What's it doing here?

ELAINE
He wanted to have it restrung.
(To clerk)
Here, I need to pick that up.

LANDIS
Hello.

ELAINE
Oh, hi.

LANDIS
Jocylin Landis from Doubleday. I
interviewed you for a position a
couple of months ago.

ELAINE
Yes, yes, the one I didn't get.
(they giggle)

LANDIS
I was watching you play

ELAINE
Oh, I'm not very good.

LANDIS
No. You exhibited a lot of grace
out there.

ELAINE
Really? Grace?

LANDIS
Yes. So have you found anything
yet?

ELAINE
Uh, no. Not really.
 2.

LANDIS
You know you should keep in touch.
Something may be opening up in a
few weeks. Is that a Bruline?

JERRY
Oh, Bruline. Newman's got the same
one.

ELAINE
Newman plays tennis?

JERRY
He's fantastic.

LANDIS
Would you mind if I tried this out?

ELAINE
Uh, no... take it.

LANDIS
How will you get it back?

ELAINE
Um, I could come by your office and
pick it up tomorrow.

LANDIS
That's so generous of you.

ELAINE
Thanks

JERRY
You loaned her Pitt's racquet?

ELAINE
What could I do? She said there
might be something for me at
Doubleday. Oh wouldn't that be
great I wouldn't have to work for
Mr. Pitt anymore.

SANDY
I gotta get going.

JERRY
Oh, OK. Next time lets play ping
pong. It's easier to jump over the
net.

Sandy nods silently.

 3.

ELAINE
Bye

JERRY
Bye bye.

ELAINE
Have you noticed she never laughs?

JERRY
Hm. Really?

ELAINE
Yeah.

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

Kramer and George meet on the street.

GEORGE
Check that out

KRAMER
Whoa, you're dating this woman?

GEORGE
That’s right

KRAMER
George, you're becoming one of the
gliterratti

GEORGE
What's that?

KRAMER
Ya' know, people who glitter. She's
a slim gal.

GEORGE
And the amazing thing is she eats
like there's no tomorra'. I mean
I've never seen an appetite like
this. Desserts. Everything. I don't
know how she does it.

KRAMER
Maybe she's bulimic.

GEORGE
What?

KRAMER
Bulimic.
 4.

GEORGE
Kramer, she's a model.

KRAMER
Exactly

GEORGE
I have noticed she does tend to go
to the bathroom right after we
finish eating.

KRAMER
There you go monkey boy.

INT. PEPPERDELLA’S RESTAURANT - NIGHT

NINA
Mmm, Mmmm oh, so good, mmm, mmm.
Aren't you hungry?

GEORGE
Just enjoying watching you.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

SANDY
So did you like the movie?

JERRY
Yeah, it was OK. Frankenstein
didn't seem quite right to me. I
missed the sport jacket.

Sandy nods silently

JERRY (CONT’D)
Not that it was that nice of a
jacket. I mean it didn't fit him
that well. To me there's just
something about a monster in a
blazer. It shows at least he's
making an effort.

SANDY
(nods silently)
That’s funny.

JERRY
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

INT. PEPPERDELLA’S RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

NINA
Oh, I'm so full.
 5.

GEORGE
Yes, full. I love to be full...
love to sit back, loosen the old
belt and digest away for hours. Let
those enzymes do their work.

NINA
Will you excuse me.

GEORGE
Where you going?

NINA
I just need to freshen up.

George grabs Nina’s arm.

GEORGE
You're fresh. You're very fresh.
You seem very fresh to me. You're
very vital. I couldn't take you any
fresher.

NINA
George I need to freshen., George,
George, George...

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY
It was unbelievable. You're right
the jokes kept bouncing off her
like superman.

ELAINE
See, what did I tell ya?

JERRY
And even when she did like
something, she doesn't laugh. She
says, "That's funny." ... That's
funny!

ELAINE
Ooo, I better call that woman at
Doubleday and see when I can pick
up Mr. Pitt's racquet.

JERRY
I mean how can I be with someone
that doesn't laugh. It's like
...well it's like something!
 6.

ELAINE
Hello, yeah, hi. Uh, is Miss.
Landis there please. Wa? Oh, Gosh,
ah ok, she'll be in later? OK,
thank you. Uh.
(to Jerry)
This guy said she hurt her arm
playing tennis. ... Pretty bad.

George enters.

GEORGE
Well, I heard a noise.

JERRY
What noise?

GEORGE
You know, .. blah ...

JERRY
What blah?

GEORGE
From the bathroom.

JERRY
Oh, you think she was refunding?

GEORGE
Every time we go out to eat the
minute we we're done eating she's
runnin to the bathroom.

ELAINE
So you're concerned.

GEORGE
Elaine, of course I'm concerned.
I'm payin' for those meals. It's
like throwing money down the
toilet.

JERRY
In a manner of speaking.

GEORGE
Let me digest it. Let me get my
money's worth. Y'know what would be
good is if there was someone else
in the bathroom that could tell me.

Kramer Enters
 7.

KRAMER
Here's your scrubber back.

JERRY
Thanks

GEORGE
Hey, maybe I could bribe one of
those women that hand out the
towels in the powder room.

JERRY
A matron?

GEORGE
Yeah

Kramer nervously waves at to stop Jerry talking.

JERRY
uh, well I can't help you there

GEORGE
Wa?

KRAMER
Nothin’.

GEORGE
You know a matron?

KRAMER
Me?

GEORGE
You.

KRAMER
No.

GEORGE
Kramer...

KRAMER
Well, now look, just leave me
alone.

GEORGE
Well, what is it?

KRAMER
No, don't, don't make me
 8.

GEORGE
Wha?

KRAMER
No, I can't, all right I can't ...

GEORGE
Who?

KRAMER
... My mother's a matron!

ELAINE
Babs?

KRAMER
Yeah, there, all right I said it
there.. Ya' satisfied? Anything
else you want to know?

GEORGE
Kramer, Kramer, I need to know if
Nina is refunding.

KRAMER
Look, George, I can't help ya, all
right.

GEORGE
Why not? Why not?

KRAMER
Let me go. let me go. Because I
haven't talked to my mother in five
years. We just don't see eye to
eye. I don't even want to get into
my childhood. I'm still carrying a
lot of pain. A LOT of pain

GEORGE
Come on, Kramer.

KRAMER
I can't I can't

JERRY
Kramer you're going to have to face
her some time

KRAMER
b'd b'd
 9.

INT. DOUBLEDAY OFFICES - DAY

ELAINE
Hello. Oh, my goodness. What
happened?

LANDIS
I tore my humeral epicondylitis

ELAINE
Oh.

LANDIS
My doctor said it might never fully
heal. I may never play again.

ELAINE
Oh, you'll be playing ...

LANDIS
If I can't play tennis I don't know
what I'll do.

ELAINE
There are plenty of things you can
do, there's chess and uh uh mah
jong.

LANDIS
You don't know how lucky you are to
be healthy ...

ELAINE
... and biking and ..

LANDIS
What am I going to do?

ELAINE
... hiking ...

Landis whimpers. Elaine spots the Bruline.

ELAINE (CONT’D)
Could I ...

LANDIS
If I can't play tennis I have no
reason to live

Landis begins to cry.

 10.

ELAINE
You know it's not important I'm
gonna, ok, well, you know. Take
care of that condylitis.

INT. WOMEN’S POWER ROOM - DAY

Kramer and George enter.

KRAMER
Ma?

BABS
Cosmo?

GEORGE
Cosmo?

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY
Why didn't you just ask her for it?

ELAINE
I told you I couldn't. The woman
was crying about how she might
never play tennis again.

Buzzer

JERRY
Yeah?

GEORGE
Hi di ho.

JERRY
C’mon up. So when do you have to
get the racquet back to Mr. Pitt?

ELAINE
Augh, he's got a big match tomorrow
with Ethyl Kennedy

JERRY
He needs a three hundred-dollar
Bruline to beat Ethyl Kennedy?

ELAINE
He'll only play with his racquet
 11.

JERRY
Well, why don't you wait 'til she's
not there on her lunch hour and
just take it?

ELAINE
That's stealing?

JERRY
Stealing? You loaned her the
racquet!

ELAINE
I know.

George enters

GEORGE
Hey oh.

ELAINE
Hey

JERRY
So what happened with Kramer's
mother?

GEORGE
It's all worked out. Nina and I
will have dinner Thursday at the
restaurant where Babs works.

JERRY
What's she like?

GEORGE
Oh, she's a Kramer. And uh, while I
was there I uh happened to pick up
another juicy little nugget about
our friend.

ELAINE
Ah, I'm ready what?

JERRY
What is it?

GEORGE
I uh got the first name.

ELAINE
You found out Kramer's first name?
 12.

GEORGE
That's right. You ready?

JERRY
We've been trying to get it out of
him for ten years. What is it?

GEORGE
Cosmo.

JERRY
Cosmo?

GEORGE
Cosmo

JERRY
Cosmo

They all laugh.

ELAINE
Cosmo, cosmo?

Kramer enters.

KRAMER
What's so funny? ... wha?

ELAINE
Cosmo?

KRAMER
All right, OK So you the name now.
The cat is .a a a .. out of the
bag.

JERRY
Well I got to hand it to you. You
did a hell of a job keeping it a
secret all these years.

ELAINE
It's not such a bad name.

KRAMER
Well you know all my life I've been
running away from that name. That's
why I wouldn't tell anybody. But
I've been thinking about it. All
this time

I'm trying not to be me. I'm afraid

to face who I was.
(MORE)
 13.

KRAMER (CONT'D)
But I'm Cosmo Jerry. I'm Cosmo
Kramer. And that's who I'm going to
be. From now on that's who I'm
going to be. I'm Cosmo!

INT. SANDY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Jerry stands in the hallway. Sandy’s roommate opens the door.

LAURA
Yes?

JERRY
Hi, is Sandy here?

LAURA
Hi, you must be Jerry. Sandy's in
the shower. Do you want to come in?

JERRY
I would except I forgot to bring a
towel.

Laura laughs nice and loud.

INT. MONK’S COFFEE SHOP - DAY

JERRY
So the roommate laughed at
everything I said.

GEORGE
Wow.

JERRY
It was a great sounding laugh too,
kind of lilting and feminine. None
of those big coarse "ha's." You
know those?

GEORGE
Oh yeah: HA-A-A, HA-A-A.

JERRY
Yeah.

GEORGE
Hate the big coarse "ha." Hate
those.
 14.

JERRY
And the worst part of course is
that she also possessed many of the
other qualities prized by the
Superficial Man.

GEORGE
I see.

JERRY
So as you can see, I've got a bit
of a problem here.

GEORGE
Well, if I hear you correctly...
and I think that I do; my advice to
you is to finish your meal, pay
your check, leave here, and never
mention this to anyone again.

JERRY
Can't be done, huh?

GEORGE
The Switch?

JERRY
"The Switch."

GEORGE
Can't be done.

JERRY
I wonder.

GEORGE
Do you realize in the entire
history of western civilization no
one has successfully accomplished
the Roommate Switch? In the Middle
Ages you could get locked up for
even suggesting it!

JERRY
They didn't have roommates in the
Middle Ages.

GEORGE
Well, I'm sure at some point
between the years 800 and 1200--
somewhere--there were two women
living together.
 15.

JERRY
The point is I intend to undertake
this. And I'll do it with or
without you. So if you're scared,
if you haven't got the stomach for
this, let's get it out right now!
And I'll go on my own. If not, you
can get on board and we can get to
work! Now what's it going to be?

GEORGE
All right, dammit, I'm in.

JERRY
I couldn't do it without you.

GEORGE
All right. Let's get to work.

CUT TO:

MONTAGE:

Jerry and George prepare over coffee.

They walk the city streets talking.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY

GEORGE
All right. That's enough for today.
You're tired. Get some sleep. I'll
see you first thing in the morning.

JERRY
Aw, we can't do it, who are we
kidding? It's impossible! It's
true! You can't do the Switch!
Nobody can do the Switch! It was a
stupid idea to begin with! Let's
face it. I'm stuck with the non-
laugher and that's that!

GEORGE
We'll come up with something.

JERRY
Yeah, sure we will.

GEORGE
All right. See you tomorrow.

George exits... For a brief moment. Dashes back into the

apartment.
 16.

GEORGE (CONT’D)
I-I-I-I-I got it!!!!!

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - LATER

GEORGE
All right. Let's go over it again,
one more time.

JERRY
All right. So I tell Sandy that I
want to have a menage a trois with
her, and her roommate.

GEORGE
That's right.

JERRY
And you believe this course of
action will have a two-pronged
effect. Firstly, the very mention
of the idea will cause Sandy to
recoil in disgust, whereupon she
will insist that I remove myself
from the premises.

GEORGE
Keep going.

JERRY
At this point, it is inevitable
that she will seek out the roommate
to apprise her of this abhorrent
turn of events.

GEORGE
Continue.

JERRY
The roommate will then offer her
friend the requisite sympathy even
as part of her cannot help but feel
somewhat flattered by her inclusion
in the unusual request.

GEORGE
A few days go by and a call is
placed at a time when Sandy is
known to be busy at work. Once the
initial awkwardness is relieved
with a little playful humor, which
she [Laura] of course cannot
resist, an invitation to a friendly
dinner is proffered.
 17.

JERRY
Huh. Well, it all sounds pretty
good. There's only one flaw in it:
They're roommates. She'd have to go
out with me behind Sandy's back.
She's not gonna do that.

Another pause...

GEORGE
You disappoint me, my friend. Sandy
wants nothing to do with you. She
tells Laura, "If you want to waste
your time with that pervert, that's
your problem."

Final pause.

JERRY
It's a perfect plan. So inspired.
So devious. Yet so simple.

GEORGE
This is what I do.

INT. DOUBLEDAY - LATER

Elaine surreptitiously enters office and takes racquet.

KEITH
Can I help you?

ELAINE
Uh, no, I'm OK.

KEITH
Well then what are you doing with
that racquet?

ELAINE
Um, it's mine. Miss. Landis
borrowed it.

KEITH
Well, I'm sorry you can't take
that, no no no..

ELAINE
No no no, I can. I can. It's mine.
It's my racquet.
 18.

KEITH
Look sweetheart I don't know who
you are. I don't know what you're
doing here. But...

ELAINE
All right. I'm going I'm going

KEITH
Not with ...

ELAINE
Give it give it ..

KEITH
Leave ...

ELAINE
All right all right forget it. You
don't have to mention any of this
to Miss. Landis do you?

KEITH
I don't have to but I will.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Babs and Kramer

CLOTHWORTHY
Morning Cosmo

KRAMER
Hi Mr. Clotworthy

CLOTHWORTHY
How are you today?

KRAMER
Ah couldn't be better. Hi Lorraine.

LORRAINE
Hi Cosmo.

KRAMER
My mom Babs.

LORRAINE
Hi Mrs. Kramer

BABS
Lorraine
 19.

KRAMER
Yes, It's a fine day

OFFSCREEN
What do you say Cosmo?

KRAMER
Hey, everything my man.

INT. SANDY’S APARTMENT - DAY

SANDY
What?

JERRY
You know, I don't know the exact
pronunciation but I believe its
menage a trois.

SANDY
Ooo, that is a wild idea

JERRY
Uh?

INT. MONK’S COFFEE SHOP - DAY

KRAMER
You ma, know I've been thinking. I
want you to quit that matron job.

BABS
Yes, well isn't that just easy for
you to say. What the hell do you
think I'm going to do with myself?

KRAMER
Well maybe we could go into
business together. If you're clean?

BABS
I've been clean for two years.
Anyway what would we do together?

KRAMER
I've got plenty of ideas.

BABS
I've always believed in you Cosmo.
You know that?
 20.

KRAMER
So I want you to call that place
today and tell then that you're
through.

BABS
All right. I'll do it.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

NINA
Mmmm mm so good.

GEORGE
... so glad.

NINA
Will you excuse me I've got to
freshen up.

GEORGE
And why shouldn't you? Be fresh
Stay fresh

WOMAN
I'll be back. I'm not feeling very
well.

WAITRESS
Care to see our dessert menu?

GEORGE
Uh, yeah. Do you know Babs?

WAITRESS
Oh, yeah I was sorry to hear she
left.

GEORGE
Babs left?

WAITRESS
She quit today.

George runs to the bathroom - hears vomiting. He enters the

bathroom.

GEORGE
Ah ha!!!

NINA
What are you doing here George?
 21.

GEORGE
I was just wondering what it was
you wanted for dessert.

Nina leaves. The woman exits the stall,

GEORGE (CONT’D)
How 'ya feelin'?

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

BABS
Hi Newman

NEWMAN
Hi Babs

BABS
What are you doin'

NEWMAN
Minding my own business.

BABS
You'll never get into trouble that
way.

NEWMAN
What makes you think I'm lookin'
for trouble?

BABS
From what I hear you postmen don't
have to look too far.

NEWMAN
ha ha ha Well you know sometimes it
just has a way of finding you.
Cigarette?

BABS
Don't mind if I do.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

George knocks on Kramer’s door.

JERRY
Hey.

GEORGE
What happened to Babs. She never
showed up last night. The whole
thing blew up in my face.
 22.

JERRY
Ah, that's a shame.

GEORGE
Hey, what happened with Sandy. I
forgot all about it. Did you call
her?

JERRY
Yeah, I did. In fact I went over
there.

GEORGE
So what happened? She throw you
out? Eh?

JERRY
No actually, she took it pretty
well.

GEORGE
So what happened?

JERRY
She's into it.

GEORGE
Into what?

JERRY
The menage. And not only that. She
just called me and said she talked
to the roommate and the roommate's
into the menage too.

GEORGE
That's unbelievable.

JERRY
Oh, it's a scene man.

GEORGE
Do you ever just get down on your
knees and thank god that you know
me and have access to my dementia?

JERRY
What are you talking about? I'm not
goin' to do it.

GEORGE
You're not goin to do it? What do
you mean, You're not goin to do it?
 23.

JERRY
I can't. I'm not an orgy guy.

GEORGE
Are you crazy? This is like
discovering Plutonium... by
accident.

JERRY
Don't you know what it means to
become an orgy guy? It changes
everything. I'd have to dress
different. I'd have to act
different. I'd have to grow a
mustache and get all kinds of robes
and lotions and I'd need a new
bedspread and new curtains I'd have
to get thick carpeting and weirdo
lighting. I'd have to get new
friends. I'd have to get orgy
friends... Naw, I'm not ready for
it.

GEORGE
If only something like that could
happen to me.

JERRY
Oh, shut up you couldn't do it
either.

GEORGE
I know.

Elaine enters.

JERRY
Hey, what happened? Did you get
your racquet?

ELAINE
No, I got caught.

JERRY
What do you mean you got caught?

ELAINE
Her assistant caught me. And now
I'm probably not going to get a
job. He's going to tell Landis that
I was sneakin around her office.
 24.

JERRY
I still don't understand how you
can get in trouble for taking your
own racquet.

ELAINE
Meanwhile Mr. Pitt's got this match
with Ethyl Kennedy this afternoon.

Kramer enters.

JERRY
Hi Cosmo.

KRAMER
Thanks man.

JERRY
Hey, doesn't Newman have a Bruline
racquet?

KRAMER
Uh, Yeah, yeah, but he's on
vacation. Went to Baltimore.

JERRY
Hum, but you've got the key to his
place right?

KRAMER
Yeah.

JERRY
Well Elaine needs to borrow his
racquet. Just for today.

KRAMER
All right all right. Come on I'll
take you over to Newman's.

GEORGE
Hey, Cosmo what happened to your
mother last night. She hung me out
to dry.

They walk down the hall to Newman’s apartment.

KRAMER
She quit.

GEORGE
It would have been nice if someone
told me about it.
(MORE)
 25.

GEORGE (CONT'D)
I just think you could have said
something. That's all.

KRAMER
Don't talk to me George, talk to
her.

GEORGE
Well where is she?

KRAMER
I don't know.

The group enters Newman’s apartment.

INT. NEWMAN’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Babs and Newman are together on the couch.

KRAMER
Ma!!

BABS
Cosmo?

NEWMAN
We din, we didn't ... ... Cosmo?

FREEZE: