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Geologist
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Geologists are 'scientists' with an unnatural obsession with rocks and

alcohol. Often too intelligent to do monotonous sciences like biology,
chemistry, or physics, geologists devote their time to mud-worrying,
volcano spotting, fault poking, bouldering, dust-collecting, and high-
risk colouring.

One of the main difficulties in communicating with geologists is their

belief that a million years is a short amount of time and their heads are
harder than rocks. Consequently, such abstract concepts as "Tuesday A geologist in the field.
Morning" and Lunchtime are completely beyond their comprehension.
(This difficulty generates problems particularly when dealing with the
girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse and attempting to explain why you were "gone for so long" or why
something is taking "so long to occur.")

Contents

1 Geologists in Politics

2 Geologists in the Movies

3 Geologists in Popular Culture

4 Geologists in History

5 Geologists and Alcohol

6 Geologists and Breeding

7 The Great Geology-Geography Wars (1852 - last Tuesday, just after lunch)

8 The Great Geologist-Engineer Controversy

9 How do I become a Geologist ?

10 Odd Geological Formations: Recruiting a Geologist or the Geology Trap

11 How to spot a Geologist

Geologists in Politics
Geologists are in general apolitical as they feel Democrats and Republicans are just further proof in the
slowness of evolutionary processes. Also, they tend to not give a shit about hot political topics, such as
anthropogenic climate change, since each one of them can name at least 20 other geologic events that
are going to wipe our asses out way before sea levels rise and increased hurricane activity bother us.

If they were sober for long enough, geologists could find geologic flaws in all political discussions on
global energy usage, oil prices, ANWR, mid-east politics, etc. They also see how wrong Hollywood is in
all portrayals of geology in particular and science in general, in the movies and on any national news
program. In summary, when it comes to politics they just don't give a shit. They would rather be hiking
in a desert looking at beach sand that happened 200 million years ago.

The twin-island nation of Trinidad & Tobago in the Caribbean seems to be an exception to the rule

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when it comes to political apathy of geologists. The current ruling administration is headed by Mr.
Patrick Manning who began his career as a geologist for Texaco (now a wholly absorbed part of
Chevron Corp.). Additionally, Mr. Eric Williams Jr., a geophysicist, had been appointed Minister of
Energy. Mr. Williams has since resigned from this post and is under investigation for bribery charges.
Two other geologists, Mr. Fuad Khan and Mr. Keith Rowley have also had ministerial posts in the
current administration. However, Mr. Khan has also resigned from his post following allegations of
corruption.

The Governor of Nevada, Jim Gibbons, was once a geologist. Guess he wasn't very good at that either.
The current Mayor of Denver, Colorado, John Hickenlooper ("Hick" to the homies!) was a geologist in a
past life until he discovered being a "Baron of Brewpubs" in Lodo (an area that owes its history to the
confluence of the Platte and Cherry Creek, both uninspired geologically-controlled 'rivers') made *way*
more money than being a geologist. His background in geology is not well understood.

Geologists in the Movies

Geologists in the movies are nothing like the real thing. For example,
in a volcanic eruption or major earthquake, no geologist is going to
give a rat's ass about rescuing a dog even if it does belong to the
romantic interest's children. He or she will be far more concerned about
the mineralogy of the ash falling from the sky, the viscosity of the lava
flow and its movement across the substrate (which may or may not
include a village). Apparently immune to the asphyxiating effect of the
ash as it turns normal lungs to stone, the geologist will happily jump
around lava fields with a camera trying to get a good photo of a lava
tube.

Geologists are ice-age cool, although they typically do not look like
James Bond, being altogether too filthy to ever pass for a suave
Englishman. There has been one accurate portrayal of a geologist in a
B-rate movie, however. In "Trek of the Moon Beast", the mineralogist
turned into a flesh-eating monster at night. It is thought that this may be
a common occurrence among mineralogists. However, it is a well- Brad Pitt as a geologist.
established fact that field geologists are magma-hot. The details not
well known because field geologists tend to stay in the field most of the
time, where only other field geologists get to see how hot they are.

Another excellent portrayal of a geologist is in the Hollywood blockbuster 'The Core'. In this widely
known film the U.S. government has stopped the revolution of the earth's core (the magnetized liquid
outer core, anyway) via the use of sinister 'classified' science, and due to the impending doom of all of
the world at their hand from superviolent storms and world flooding, etc. the mighty U.S.A. feels it has
to restart the revolution of the core via the use of thermonuclear explosion, obviously. To administer
said explosives they use a craft made from Unobtanium, an alloy which is scarcely believable, ahem,
available I meant to say. (this film should not at all be considered an allegory on America's world policy
at present, honestly...ok, you've got me, it is!) Suffice to say they all live happily ever after and the few
billion tonnes of liquid outer core just plays along with no ill aftereffects or sequential flood-type
volcanism, the joys of being a Geologist. (** Dr. Josh Keyes-- the "geologist" character is actually a
Seismologist-- which is totally different. Seismologists study how energy propagates THROUGH the

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Earth and don't actually care about rocks at all. They also don't drink beer nearly as well. The whole
"playing the trumpet to a piece of granite" thing ... not so much).

Geologists are also portrayed in 'Armageddon', although a real geologist is quick to note how gravity
reengaged on the asteroid when the drillers (geologist wannabes) start throwing the boring casings.

A really good example of a retired geologist can be found in "SIX FEET UNDER". He was married 7
times and became crazy in the end.

Another typical portrayal of a geologist is South Park's character Randy Marsh, who is Stan's father.
Randy is named after South Park creator Trey Parker's own father, Randy Parker, who was also a
geologist. Randy displays many typical geologist tendencies such as being called a 'scientist', but
actually being of little use in many situations, and having a drinking problem.

In 'Ocean's Thirteen,' Brad Pitt's character disguises himself as a geologist and tricks the enemy into
installing a seismograph in a hotel. Brad Pitt's disguise is fairly accurate, with messy hair, dirty boots,
etc.

Geologists in Popular Culture

While the media rarely represents geologists to the general population, (excluding sound bytes on
Discovery Channel volcano specials), there was one recent attempt to integrate geologists into a
television program. According to various blog sources, CBS was looking to produce a new reality tv
show for 2008, after correctly predicting that the writers' strike would cut down on their ability to create
blue-toned dramatic shows centering around corpses. One of their production managers happened to see
a documentary on a volcanologist researching lava in Hawaii, and seeing the danger and excitement
inherent in people smashing molten hot 'magma' with rock hammers, pitched the idea of a 'geologist
survivor-type' show.

In December of 2007, CBS hired a production crew to pull the show together; the scenario was that nine
geologists would be placed in the field, where they would vote each other off based on their willingness
to do dangerous geologist type feats common to the field; like researching active volcanoes,
earthquakes, landslides, and landing in bush planes on glaciers. Geologists that weren't up to the task
would be voted off, and the last remaining "Hard-core geologist" would win a prize.

The production was plagued from the beginning. They were successful in finding nine geologists, 6
males and three females, between 25 and 50 years of age, and they quickly set up the first challenge;
researching an active volcano in the Phillipines. The geologists and camera crew set up camp near the
bottom of the volcano. The camera crew filmed the nine geologists bonding. The geologists were
supplied with alchohol (a common strategy to loosen up the cast in reality TV), but the camera crew was
surprised to notice that even after drinking gallons of the liquid, the geologists did not change their
behavior, and continued talking in an obscure jargonized language about 'bombs', 'breccia,' and 'lahars,'
none of which made for good reality tv.

This trend continued through the entire first challenge; the geologists were seemingly oblivious to the
camera, and the only interpersonal drama occured when the seismologist and structural geologist got
into a yelling match over the best recipe for chilli. When the camera-crew and geologists went up to do
research on the volcano, instead of sticking together, the geologists scattered into the landscape, and the

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camera-crew found themselves unable to find more than two at a time. Also, after listening to the
volcanologist eagerly predict just how soon the volcano would blow, the camera-crew became extremely
nervous and returned to the camp. The final result was almost no footage, and the editors were unable to
make sense of what footage their was because they had no idea what the hell the geologists were talking
about. Finally, few of the scientists seemed to understand the concept of 'voting off' another member.
After consulting a nearby university, the crew finally explained that they 'competing for a GSA research
grant.' This didn't go well either, as the geologists pointed out that they didn't have the time to write a
paper...finally, they were simply told to get rid of someone on some sort of criteria. After a council, the
geologists decided that whoever had the worst aim with a rockhammer would be told to leave.

The second event, landing in a bush plane in upper Alaska, was a complete failure. None of the
geologists were nervous at the idea, which destroyed the drama the crew was hoping for, and worse yet,
no-one in the production crew was willing to accompany the geologists to the site, out of sheer terror.
The result was that small cameras were given to two of the geologists to film themselves. When the
footage and geologists returned, the editors found tapes filled with footage and commentary about
mountains and 'glacial erratics'. Only ten percent of the footage featured humans, and most of that
footage was simply the petrologist standing by outcrops for scale.

By the time the production reached Hawaii, most of the camera-crew had quit (because of the steady diet
of chilli and the dangerous situations), and only five of the geologists were left; not because they had
been voted off, but because they had been over-excited by rock formations at various locations and had
refused to leave. More-ever, paying for an almost-constant supply of beer and transportation of the
geologists' luggage (piles of rocks), had almost exhausted the budget. CBS finally pulled the plug on the
project in January of 2008, despite their fear that they might be sued for withdrawing the promise of a
prize; however, none of the geologists sued, as they were still under the impression that they needed to
publish a research paper to receive the money.

Geologists in History
Geology began in Edinburgh 2.420MA when celebrated physicist James Clerk Maxwell built a time
machine, and went back to Scotland to give James Hutton the idea. Hutton then went to the Galapagos
Islands and passed on the idea to Charles Darwin. Hutton then invented the volcano, and modern
geology was born. Anne Heche, one of the few famous female geologists, made her name when she
discovered the W of Gondwanaland on an expedition to Brazil. Subsequently, while Maxwell was
distracted by an argument with Niels Bohr over the exact place in history for Avogadro's number,
Waldemar Lindgren stole the time machine and has since used it to visit every historic mine and mining
camp in the Western U.S., and in fact he continues to do so to this day. This is the reason you will see
Waldemar Lindgren's name on every publication regarding mining in the western U.S., and the reason
why his published writings exceed nearly 200 titles, not counting discussions, reviews, more than 1,000
abstracts, in addition to authoring numerous pajama related advertisments for various trade show
publications and haberdasheries in his spare time. Geologists had a revival in the late 23rd century when
the great Pete Kokelaar emerged from a crater on Montserrat and proclaimed himself an ignimbrite.

Geologists and Alcohol

There is a considerable, and still growing body of scientific literature that suggests that geologists are in
fact the world's first alcohol-based life form. Owing to a crucial imbalance in blood electrolyte levels

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(possibly caused by overexposure to bad rock puns) most find it necessary to imbibe vast quantities of
alcoholic beverages at every opportunity. If you ever encounter a geologist who is sober after 6pm, this
person is an imposter: possibly an alien; probably a geophysicist, marine geographer or hydrologist.
Alcoholism is an acceptable, even socially beneficial, disease for an active geologist. The mark of a true
geologist is the ability to draw up a systematic and colour coded diagrammatic representation of good
beer distribution across the globe, using no more than a tatty beer mat and burnt twig. **Note** ...
Geophysicists begin drinking after 8pm (after a 14 hour day of CMP, X/Y Coordinate, Shot/Receiver,
Offset, Band Width, AGC, LMNO, static, velocity, attenuation, multiple, stack, and migration
calculations have been sufficiently destroyed by the previous night of drinking or; they have cused a
computer a blue streak and thrown it down seven flights of stairs ...not to mention 'accidental' breakage
of tens of thousands dollars worth of equipment and/or loss of all data). In other words, to compensate
for the fact that they don't go outside.

Therefore the phrase "I am not an alcoholic, I am a geologist" has become quite common within many
student body's to explain their metamorphism from an organic based life form to a alcohol-based one.

Alternative conversation topics might include: a detailed consideration of the relative merits of differing
brands of gin (including those brands that may only be termed "gin" as "bug-infused lighter fuel" might
look bad on the risk assessment forms); whether a hangover is very useful or absolutely essential to the
correct practice of geology in the field; and how many crates of beer does it take to cause the average
4x4 to roll over/dump its rear axle/spontaneously combust. It has been observed that undergraduate
geology students are berated and whipped with bootlaces by their lecturers if they do not partake in late
night drinking on field trips (exception: university of Western Australia). Returning to university
without liver-ache is frowned upon by most (exception: university of Western Australia). Early
mornings in the field are usually fueled by coffee; however, water is optional in the brewing process and
filters are unheard of. In the absence of water, coffee will be brewed with leftover beer. In the absence of
beer, vodka, scotch, gin or tequila; coffee grounds may be chewed dry. This perhaps, is the reason it is
impossible to communicate successfully with a geologist in the field. Protective cover in the form of
beards shields geologists in a field party from sight of each other's gin-etched and coffee-coloured teeth.
The inability to grow a beard is one of the factors still hampering female geologists today, though some
have a really good crack at it.

Alcohol is also essential on field activities, either on late night scientific discussions or cold-weather
camping. Alcohol is used as an essential renewable fuel source for enlightened or hot topics and for
surviving in cold weather as a human "internal combustion" liquid fuel. It's known of geologists that
have survived on a pint of whiskey on the middle of the desert or in way-below freezing temperatures.

Alcohol is an essential companion and tool in the field (as well as out), just as important as the rock
hammer, Brunton compass, and hand-lens.

In recent years, geologists have become more inclined to imbibe absinthe in their efforts to better think
like a rock. The proper way to drink absinthe is to prepare a drink known as a green schist. Absinthe is
most appropriately consumed by straining a shot into a glass through an absinthe spoon containing a
sugar cube. Light the sugar cube. After it burns down, stir it into the glass with the spoon, then take the
shot. (DO NOT substitue aplite!). Add three shots of ice cold water (preferably from a receeding glacier)
and watch as the absinthe louches with the cold water and sugar. Caution, do not drink more than five of
these in one sitting! Also, ONLY trust female geologists that you observe slamming down shots of

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absinthe in a bar. You have been warned.

Most geologists start out as promising students and fall afoul of troublesome types during their tertiary
education, hence are rendered drug addicts which leads to the interest in dirt and solidified dirt
sometimes know as "rocks". At some point in the future emerging from their drug haze with a degree
and desire to head west where the money is being given away (note geologists always head west like
moss) they are forced to abandon their beloved illicit drug habits and become alcholics. Like a butterfly
but with a beard, and ear hair.

Geologists and Breeding

The prospect of month upon month of fieldwork in remote places has led to some interesting
evolutionary peculiarities amongst this species. Amidst only rocks and alcohol, with often long dark
nights eliminating the possibility of the former, and leaving only the latter, resourceful geologists fill
their time intermingling with other geologists. During this time, upcoming geologists earn their
"wings" (or more appropriately, their "hammer") by fulfilling one or more of the following electives:

a) Date a fellow geologist

b) Sleep with a fellow geologist

c) Have an affair with a geologist

d) Have an affair with a student geologist

e) Marry a fellow geologist

f) Marry a current or former student geologist

g) Date/Marry or have an affair with a driller

h) Marry a purveyor of alcohol

Combinations, or multiple repetitions of the above electives result in the true seasoning of a geologist.
An informal survey of geologists at 25 of the top 30 geology programs in the US News and World
Report 2005 rankings found that 84% of faculty and 78% of graduate students fulfilled at least two of
the above electives. Of tenured faculty surveyed, 98% had fulfilled at least three of the above. Surveyors
often examine such geological features.

The Great Geology-Geography Wars (1852 - last Tuesday, just

after lunch)
For eons, animosity has existed between those folk who understand what an eon is and those who need
help tying their bootlaces before a day in the field. However, the most recent escalation of violence
between the two warring tribes was sparked when, over a jolly fine supper in the Atheneum Club (turbot
und dill, en croute avec carpet sautee), Sir Roderick Impey Murchison was heard to say "Your mum,
what!" to Dr. David Livingstone. The avid bug-huffer retired in high dudgeon and went off to sulk in
Africa for years and years and years, only returning to civilization when Murchison was safely insane.

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And dead. In his absence, the serried ranks of the geographers could barely muster a token resistance to
the all-powerful, all-conquering, and devilishly handsome (yes, even Adam Sedgwick) geologists. Final
defeat came at the blood-soaked Battle of Roger Moor (similar to Marston Moor, but a bit smoother, and
orange) where the geographers were ignominiously routed owing to the superior firepower of the
geologists' flint-lock machine guns (but lets face it, any weapon with a rock integral to its design was
always going to terrify the pants off a geographer). Annual tribute is paid by the geographers in
recognition of this defeat, hence the odd obsession with tributaries often displayed by members of their
race. In general, it can be said that geographers are scientists that learn less and less about more and
more until they know almost nothing about almost everything, whereas geologists are scientists that
learn more and more about less and less until they know almost everything about almost nothing!

The Great Geologist-Engineer Controversy

Geologists, secure in their vague estimates have forever conflicted with engineers and their need for a
definitive, quantifiable answer since the building of the pyramids. The ancient Egyptian engineers had
determined that the Great Pyramid would require 6961105709.356732519874886510 metric tons of
stone blocks to construct. The ancient Egyptian geologists yawned and disagreed. When it turned out
that only 6961105709.356732519874886509 metric tons were required, the geologists sneered and said,
"I told you your calculations were wrong." The geologists, having been proven correct and superior,
have been envied by engineers since that fateful day. To this day, the distinction betwen the two is quite
simple, an engineer is a geologist with his brains knocked out.

Geology, being an art as much as a science, has always baffled and worried engineers, hence the
engineers' defensive weapons of pocket protectors, slide rules, black socks, and eventually computers.
But these have been no match for the geologist's rock hammer, hand lens, and Brunton compass (Note
that the Microsoft software engineers did not even include Brunton in Word's spellcheck dictionary).

While geologists have provided mankind with massive sources of energy such as coal, gas, and
flatulence, engineers have been relegated to merely designing tanks to hold these natural resources.

Geologists also outlive engineers, who bored by their pitiful existence often forsake engineering for
senior management and then have to deal with geologists who have become very skilled in manager-
baiting. A complex art that revolves around telling managers almost what they want to know but
phrasing it in jargon and vagaries to cause minor unstable mental episodes and periods of delusion
followed by depression. Many engineers end their days in cosy little rooms playing with amateur radio
or trying to coax a new computer to boot up in CP/M.

Geologists by way of their vastly superior intellect and immeasurable wisdom, often bypass the senior
management phase and are simply called upon to sit on boards and chair companies, whilst engineers
still have to actually do things to earn money.

Then, there are those odd combo-thingies that make no sense to a typical Geologist:

The Geotechnical "Engineer", and The "Geological" Engineer.

The problem with these people is that they will never truly fit in anywhere. They will want to be
qualified as both geologist and engineer, but this is impossible. The anal-retentive engineer side almost
always comes out when a geologist is in the room, and the beer-belly laugh is revealed at every office

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function, hence the engineers shy away. The two worlds just should not mix. Alas, the poor things never
saw this coming. Some will choose to hide their alter ego, but once you have that kind of brain function
driven into your head, you can never go back. You can always pick the extroverted geological engineer
out of a crowd. He (or she) is the one that looks at your shoes when speaking to you.

How do I become a Geologist ?

To gain employment as a geologist you must find someone willing to hire one. This, as you may well
imagine, is really very difficult. In preparation one could actually learn geology first at university and
then seek employment at the same university. A second, and far more practical, method is to skip
university and simply go and watch some geologists at work until you get the hang of it. Then off you
go to an oil company to hire out to them. Either way, in advance of employment you may be interviewed
by the oil company science staff - so make sure to bone up on the science basics like the "Scientific
Method" and "Avogadro ... something something". In particular you should be aware of the "Geologic
Method". In a nutshell that appears to be to go find some place where oil is being drilled (geologists call
this a "find"). Then get someone (known as "consultants") to spread the word that actually you started
the whole play. Finally, seek speaking engagements promoting the play. This will make you an
invaluable asset at the company. If you do much of this you should end up as an Exploration Manager in
short order and you will then no longer have many concerns with geology.

Odd Geological Formations: Recruiting a Geologist or the

Geology Trap
There are several ways that Geologists can be formed, most of them are
terrible and quite unnatural. It starts with an introduction to rocks by
some other lost soul. Here I will list a few of their methods:

1) Typically it begins at a third rate university when an unknowing

undergrad is lured into the Geology Department by "pretty" rocks.
"You like those?" "We've got more!" they beckon... He or she was
majoring in some kind of writing or art subject with no real future to A youngling geologist
speak of, which required four science credit hours for some reason, so discovers a rock.
he or she took the course in Geology. Big mistake.

The introductory course that this poor soul had to endure, along with plenty of kinesiology and
marketing majors that also decided to take the "easy" science class, featured a book called "Earth" or
"Blue Planet" or some other crap like that, which had definitions for words like "weather" and "climate"
that these future P.E. teachers and suicidal economists just couldn't comprehend. And the writer/artist
coasted by with an A-. Nice. Stick with it eh?

Then comes Mineralogy, and the selling of your soul to Satan, aka Exxon (or Halliburton) -- he goes by
many names... According to Paleontology, as this student finds out, Satan is not real, or is possibly a
Conodont, now fossilized and incapable of harm, and what the hell is a Conodont anyway?

Finally they finish this student off with a pagan festival called "Field Camp" and a Structural Geology
class to "round him out" (Average roundness is Subangular). The student endures endless trigonometry
and arbitrary measurement taking along with plenty of sandstone. "Where are all the pretty rocks?", the

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student mutters. Well sorry, Sally, they are not here. This is the freaking desert. That is prickly pear.
This town only has one bar with four American beers. Not enough to satisfy the now overwhelming
alcoholism that entered the student's life somewhere between Azurite and listric faults. And this is only
the beginning. Feel the fear.

2) Retirement from some "high-tech", mental health, or medical industry and back to school. Now you
are between 30 and 40, your fashion is skewed by something near 20 years, and either microchips, a
threat from Jimmy the obsessive-compulsive, nymphomaniacal, self-medicating addict, or the constant
flow of dead people encouraged you to study rocks. Peace of mind. Or so you think. Soon you will be
wondering which direction the paleocurrents of a .05 meter dune were flowing somewhere on top of a
mesa. But the fresh air will do your tired soul some good. Hell, they didn't even have to encourage you
with those shiny things and colorful rocks.

3) The most odd and horrendous mutation from normal human into a Geologist that I have thus far
encountered was the academic scholar. The details are all too terrible. A math professor. Rocks. That is
all you need to know.

How to spot a Geologist

To spot a geologist in the wild, look for:

Hand-lens, compass, pen-knife, handcuffs etc. tied round neck

with string.

Someone with a beard and Sandals... Jesus was a Geologist
(actually, carpenters back then were also stonemasons, so there is
some truth to that statement)

Someone who owns a pet rock and is not eight (in the case of
paleontologists, this will be their closest friend), with said 'pet' A fully-grown geologist.
often found hanging from keys.

Someone with not much enthusiasm on the subject of dinosaurs.
Geologists consider an event a 'mass' extinction only if 80% of the living organisms die and get
buried in sediment for conservation.

Someone explaining to airport security that a sidewall core covered in gunpowder residue isn't
really a weapon.

Someone who only includes people in photos for scale, and has more pictures of his/her rock
hammer and lens caps than of family and friends.

Some who, if they could travel to Jupiter's moon, IO, would think the coolest part about it was the
volcanoes and not the space travel.

Someone with a collection of beer cans/bottles that rivals the size of his rock collection.

Someone lighting a cigarette with a handlens focussing the sunlight, or a coat hanger stretched
between the battery terminals of a University van.

Someone who brings beer instead of water when hiking.

Someone whose lunch consists of rocks, instead of ordinary bread.

Someone who consumes tonsil-killing chili for dinner every night of the week, and warms it up in
a can on the drill rig engine block.

Someone whose child is trained to know the geologic timescale before being able to walk.

Someone with hair in a pony-tail (this applies to male or female geologists).

Someone who considers a "recent event" to be anything that has happened in the last hundred
million years.

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Someone who licks and/or scratches & sniffs rocks or in case of china clay will eat it to prove its
perfectly safe.

Someone who eats dirt and claims to be "getting an estimate of grain size"

Someone who will willingly cross an eight-lane interstate on foot to determine if the outcrops are
the same on both sides.

Someone who can pronounce the word molybdenite correctly on the first try.

Someone who has hiked 6 miles to look at a broken fence that was "offset by a recent
earthquake".

Someone who says "this will make a nice Christmas gift" while out rock collecting.

Someone who thinks a "sexual exploit" is lying naked on an outcrop so the satellite will
photograph them on the next pass.

Someone who hires student assistants with an eye to whether they can run slower so the bears get
them first.

Someone who can jump start a campfire in wet weather with the judicious application of a beer
fart.

Someone who from personal experience knows the difference between Arctic grade and summer
grade diesel fuel.

Someone who even on an average day in the field can make Indiana Jones look like a bit of a
klutzy wuss

Someone who looks at scenery and tells you how it formed.

Someone whose pockets tend to be filled with bits of rock.

Someone whose rockery moved into their spare room.

Someone who has more pairs of hiking boots than shoes.

Someone who wears hiking boots constantly, even for formal functions, and occasionally sandals
with (obligatory) socks

Someone who thinks of woodlice as trilobites but would tell anyone off who said so.

Someone who, when on a beach, will collect shells and try to explain their muscle scars to you.

Someone who prefers to explain the sequence of events shown in a cliff face to sunbathing.

Someone whose collection of petrified wood samples is stacked like cord wood.

Someone who plans extra time on trips to investigate road cuts along the way.

Someone who almost crashes his/her car looking at road cuts while driving.

Someone who often explains how their boozy coffee with whipped cream resembles a layered
igneous complex.

Someone who knows the phylum, kingdom, and genus of every ancient creature lodged in stone,
some of which look nothing like an animal, but can't remember his/her mother's, or spouse's,
birthday.

Someone who uses a geologic hammer to halve a boiled egg.

Someone who modifies his/her one yard pace to one meter in order to simplify pace-and-compass
mapping.

Someone whose radioactive ore specimen collection glows in the dark. It is so bright you can:

use it to read by.

illuminate your front yard.

use it as a landing beacon.

see it from Mars.

Someone who can identify the chemical formula for Cummingtonite...and chuckles like a junior-
high kid every time.

Someone stuck on the side of the road without a spare tire because it was removed to make more
room for samples or alcohol (or the spare is already being used on the other side of the van).

Someone who, when asked what this rock is says, "Leverite, so leave her right there."

Someone who walks out of a bathroom and asks if you noticed the fossils in the stall dividers.

Someone prone to Linnean mnemonic devices such as Keep Privates Clean Or Forget Getting

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Screwed.

Someone who can only relate to one "Rock Band" (besides BIF): Are We Not Men, We Are
Devonian!

Someone who enjoys their topography: Subduction leads to orogeny, and orogeny leads to relief.

Someone who walks into an art museum and looks at the floors and columns commenting on the
stylolites and fossils, rather than looking at the paintings.

Someone whose shorts expose way more leg than you ever wanted to see.

Someone who rocks the party and is the schist everywhere they go.

Someone who can say, "Gneiss Cleavage" or talks about slaty cleavage and means it in a non-
derogatory sense.

Someone who takes special interest in your granite countertops in the kitchen and after a few
minutes will even produce handlenses before giving other guests an igneous petrology lesson.

Someone who gets really upset when the countertop, which is obviously
mafic/aphanitic/metamorphic, is called granite and takes 20 minutes to tell you why you're wrong.

Someone with whom you cannot hold a lunch time conversation with in a food court, because
they are too busy analysing the tabletop for rare minerals.

Someone who can’t use a street map because it doesn’t have contour lines.

When helping someone move and you ask "is this box full of rocks?" They answer "yes, be
careful."

If you remain unsure, ask the subject to draw an annotated diagram of a trilobite. A true geologist will
immediately reach for their waterproof notebook - this is your opportunity for escape.

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Categories: Occupations | Geology

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