AN INDECISIVE MIND

I can’t say no, better yet, I don’t want to say no.

I am afraid of a two letter word. I honestly believe that by saying no, by uttering a two letter word can
either save you or tear you apart limb from limb.

So, as much as possible I seldom say that word and I am prepared to go through so much rather than say
NO.

We are living in a society that dictates just by saying no you are being a coward. By saying no, you are
lazy and by saying no, you are being disrespectful; even if you know deep down in your heart you don’t
like it, you have to say yes and put up with it because that’s how it goes.

I am an indecisive person in the eyes of so many people, they thought I couldn’t make up my mind or
cannot live through my words.

However, this is all wrong. Most of the time, I know what I want and I will not stop until I get it. My fear
is not breaking promises, its disappointing people. Those judging eyes, cruel remarks, and the
expectation of me understanding how they feel and adjusting to their feelings whilst forgetting my own.

I have been there. I have been trapped so my times in that kind of limbo, it has cost me so much that I
have learned to protect myself.

I remembered before, I accepted a job I didn’t want because my family wanted me to accept it. I felt in
my bones I didn’t belong there, I don’t want the job but they wanted me to continue working even if it’s
a soul crushing work. I watched myself spiraled down into depression just because I was afraid to say no.

It took me years to get my bearing back, it took me precious years to get back in to my feet and it took
me years to learn, no matter how long, to finally say NO.

A week ago, a friend of mine invited me to stay in an apartment with her, along with several other
friends, so we can all share on the cost. I said YES.

We first saw a cheap apartment, close to our workplace. I truly loved this place and this is the reason
why I said YES. It was cheap and very affordable. Made of concrete. 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, with
overlooking terrace and a laundry area, albeit a little cramped. But the place was really good. I would
have loved moving in there.

However, my friend’s fiancé didn’t love the place since it is a little far off from his work. We understood
and adjusted to his demands and looked for another one. I wasn’t around when they looked for the
second apartment but when they found another one, both close to our work and her fiance’s job, they
texted me and said its just like the one we saw. I said YES again.

The day came when I saw the whole place, it was made of wood, a little fire hazard if you ask me, 3 large
bedrooms but only 1 bathroom and I will be sharing the whole bathroom with 5 other people. 4 of
which have the same work schedule as mine.
At this point when I tried to backout, my friend got a little annoyed since she loved the place still. I did
not. I did not see myself living there.

I didn’t say anything and slept on it. The next day, I finally said to my friend that I won’t be joining them
on the apartment. This infuriates her and she lashed at me.

This is okay. I truly understand why she is angry. Although, it took a little but she forgave me anyways
and I am absolutely grateful for that.

The thing is, I realized, we are not allowed to change our mind. Even if we truly don’t want something.
The moment, we say YES, that’s it. We are bound already.

Binding someone by their words, especially if it involves of lot of stuff (money or anything else) is good,
it is not a bad thing. This protects our individual investment.

However, what I am trying to say is we should give chance to other people to think about something,
before we held them accountable. We should also give them a chance to backout especially if you will
not lose anything by having one lacking person.

In small areas in our life, we should be allowed to change our mind, up to some degree. Like product
replacement if you have not used the product, backing out on a party because something came up…little
things in life. Our working lives our controlled by our boss, our personal life is being manipulated by
social norms, at the very least, we should keep little areas in our life under our control.