1978 01 PDF

The Role of Sex in History
Jan. 1978 The Humor Magazine $1.25

Pharaoh Phawcett-Majors
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

- IGO's: 19 mg. "t
sv. per cigarette. I
'*&
#*:
.>r~
Por me, it's taste or nothing. That's why I smoke
Winston* Look, whether it's Winston King or Winston
. 100's, taste is everything in a cigarette. And
* Winston is-nothing but good taste aH the way.
Winston LT E R S
Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

100s
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.

B-I-C VENTURI.
The art of being way ahead
without being way out.
The speaker landscape is dotted with esoteric designs And our introduction of the System Monitor technol-
that produce marginal improvements at, unfortunately, very ogy redefined the loudspeaker's role, giving it the ability to
high cost. make the rest of a component system perform better.
We refer here to the not-uncommon practice of being Each represented a fundamental advancement in
elaborately different without being basically advanced. speaker design, not reserved for the affluent few.
At B-I-C, we believe that the finer art is being way This year, the addition of new Formula 3 and Formula
ahead without being way out. 6 models underscores that approach. Now there are seven
Our patented application of the venturi principle to B-I-C VENTURI Formulas, from a 2-way bookshelf to 4-way,
speaker design ushered in the high-efficiency era, with monitor-equipped tower.
many 'leaders' following our lead. We offer them as the best examples of the art.
The brains of the system;

the monitor control panel with
Amplifier Clipping Indicator.
Speaker Overload section and
Our new Formula 6 Spec II, Dynamic Tonal Balance Compen-
shown here without grille. It fills sation (automaticand manual).
a size and design (and price)
slot between the 5 and 7. The BlCONEX"- T-Slol Transducer
that expands sound dispersal in
reble and upper midrange to 180
degrees. Lower midrange and bass
cones mount coaxialiy, achieving a
The patented B-I-C VENTURI large (yet compact) 4-way system.
coupled path. Its multiplier effect
produces bass energy 140 limes
greater (and substantially purer)
than the same signal measured
directly at the woofer cone.
BIC VENTURI SPEAKER SYSTEMS

TOMORROW'S TECHNOLOGY TODAY
B-I-C VENTURI. Westbufy. N V. 11590. B-I-C. BIC VENTURI and BlCONEX are Iraoemarksol Bnlish Industries Co Division of Avne!. Inc In Canada: C. W. Poinlon. Toronlo.

A SPLIT SECOND
IN ETERNITY
Senior Editors: Tony Heridra, Scan Kelly Editor: P.J. O'Rourke

Design Director: Peter Kleinman
Executive Editor: Gerald Sussmaii Managing Editor: Peter J. Kaminsky
Associate Editors: Danny Abelson, Ellis Weiner
Senior Copy Editor: Louise Gikow Projects Copy Editor: Susan Devins
Art Director: Skip Jolmston
Associate Art Directors: Diana Feldman, Lisa Lenovitz
Art Assistants: Alison Antonoff, Phyllis Hochberg
Design Coordinator: Sylvia Grant Editorial Assistant: Chuck Bartelt
Submissions Editor: Betsy Aaron
Administrative Assistant: Janet Jaenchen
The Ancients Called It
COSMIC CONSCIOUSNESS Contributing Editors: Chris Cluess, Jeff Greenfield, John Hughes,
Stu Kreisman, Mitcb Markowitz, Rex May, R. Bruce Moody,
Must man die to release his loner con- Ted Mann, Emily Prater, Marc Rubin, Ed Subitzky, John Weidman
sciotimess? Can we experience momentary
flights of the soul (hat is, become one Contributing Artists: Neal Adams, Arky & Barrett,
with the iiait'cnc and receive an influx of M.K. Brown, Chris Browne, Chris Callis, Dennis Chalkin, Gil Eisner,
great understanding?' Ted Enik, Randall Enos, Shary Flenniken, Dick Frank, Matthew Goldman,
The shackles of the body its earthly Sam Gross, Gary Hallgren, Ronald G. Harris, Matthew Klein,
limitations can be thrown off and man's Phil Koeni;", Alan K'upperberg, Bobby London, Stan Mack, Mara McAfee,
mitifl can be attuned to the Infinite Wisdom Wayne McLougblin, Rick Meyerowitz, Don Punchatz,
for a flash of a second. During this brief
interval intuitive knowledge, great inspira- Ralph Reese, Charles Rodri[>ues, Alan Rose, Norman Rubinyton,
tion and a new vision of our life's mission Warren Sattler, Neil Selkirk, John Walker, Gahan Wilson
are had. Some tall this great experience a
psychic phenomenon. But the anciems knew Production Manager: George Agoglia, Jr.
it and taught it as Cosmic Consciousness Director of Circulation: George S. Agoglia, Sr.
the merging of man's mind with the Uni- Administrative Assistant/Press Coordinator: Barbara Sabatino
versal Intelligence. Office Manager: Penny Sommer
Let This Free Book Explain Publishing Directors: Matty Simmons, Len Mogel
This is not A religious doctrine, but the Publisher: William T. Lippe
application of simple, natural laws which
give man an insight into the great Cosmic The National Lampoon, Inc.
plan. They make possible a source of great is ii subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc.
joy, strength and a regeneration of man's Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mojjcl
personal powers. Write to the Rosicrucians,
an age-old brotherhood of understanding, Sr. Vice-President: George S. Agoglia, Sr.
for a free copy of the book, "The Mastery Vice-President, Advertising Sales: William T. Lippe
of Life." It will tell you how, in the pri- Vice-President, Finance; Charles Schneider
vacy of your own home, you may indulge Vice-President, Subscriptions and Product Sales: Howard Jurofsky
in these mysteries of life known to the
ancients. Address: Scribe N.X.Z. Advertising Offices. New York: Herman Brown, Jr., Advertising Miin.ijji-r,
Jason Bodii, Eastern Advertising Manager
National Lampoon. 635 Madison Avo., Now York.N.Y. 10022 (212)688-4070.
Chicago: William H.Sankc. Midwest Advertising Director,
360 N. Michigan Aw., Chicago, III 60601 (312)346-7115.
SAN JOSE (AMORC) CAUF., 95191 U.S.A. West Coast; Lowell Fox & Ajsotiatos, 16033 Venture Blvd., Encino. Calif. 91436 (213) 990-2950.
SEND THIS COUPON Southern Offices: Brown & Company
Nonhsidi- Tower, Suite 407,606S Roswdl Rd. NE, Atlanta, Ga. 50328
Please Include Your Zip Code
%~,~e~N3(X " NATIONAL LAMl'OON" MAGAZINE: "N!ati. L.i
^mii. Int. Tlie L.imf'iHiii nanii; i- u.e.l uuli ihe p
Njiliinnl L-inirtKin. 1m . h)S M*li-iin -Xivnue. X
The ROSICRUCIANS (AMORC)
San Jose, California %iyi ["la"" m liLtum'^H'rj'mi-iKiî "[x'rVl'i !"iiui enijl SUBSCRIPTIONS: PuMi^-d nminhly.H N'jtionul
Please send me [he free book, The Mastery
of Life, which explains liow I may learn to -nid J1K.A1 ,,l VS \Mtuw
use my faculties and powers of mind. Mi-\!.i>. .iiiJUin-iun NLi-nJ-.lj-jx^nim pinlji !vi-« Yorl, N.Y. jnj
CHANCE OF ADDRESS: Snh-.nk-r pk-J-. -*-nd thjnjs i4 *Uu
L»,.TI Mj(j.i;iiu, Oii M,i.li«.n Vnim. \i-« York. N.Y. 10022 Be ,11,
Name__________________________ U.A i... K.th AIW <v v-rt-L- t.v fh,iTi Bt POSTMASTER. PU-j-
Maiiin-er. N.Ki.nul l.jmr«>n Mjiyiitie. (-li M.idi-tui A.eiiN,. N.-H V,,,L. N Y. ADVERTISING INFORMA-
Address, TION: l..>nt*-r AJ«ni-int; Dirn-Mr, Njiiiui.il Limnnini M.iin:nu. Mi M.idi.oti Awnue, S\-« York, \.Y.
11X122. iw ..ill i212l ^S^-^^1 7l1 EniTORlAl- INI-ORMATION: tjmun Mil>n,i^nm> lidilnr. Nanoiia! L.im-
City jiimn M,II;.I:III, , d« M,kii.,.n ^vniiie, \e» Yiirk. N-Y k\122. or c..ll 1.212} 6HH-W7i>. Reiuni |i...|,i«v nni-t nc-
i.(Miir»iis all m.imi-tnpt-, dcnvini;-. .111J photugriiphi ûhmitteii ll" they .irt to Iv returned. PuNinlier assume-
State- _Zip Code

I NATIONAL LAMPOON
Infinity brings
high technology
to a new low.
Under $150.
Now there's a speaker at $139 ($145 A special cone treatment and other who and where he is. Test Qa (and our
east of the Mississippi) that has actually advances in our low-mass, high-excursion $180 3-way gem, Q D > with the fire and
been compared to our phenomenal $1200 Q-woofer delivers startlingly accurate drive of Dave Grusin on Sheffield, the
Quantum Line Source . bass as well as extraordinary midrange introspection of Almeida on Crystal Clear,
Our new Qa . the kind associated with 3 and 4-way the presence and transparency of Randy
It was conceived with much of the systems. Sharp on Nautilus.
same advanced technology and all of the Efficiency? You can drive Qa with Listen for proof: here's everything
commitment to excellence that gave birth as little as 15 watts/channel or as much you1 d expect from Infinity.
to the Quantum Line Source. as 150 comfortably. Except the price.
Both have our EMIT electromagnetic Now we're not saying that the
induction tweeter , driven by magnets of modest price of the Qa buys you $1200
the most powerful magnetic material in worth of speaker. But we are suggesting
the world: Samarium Cobalt. that you'll be bowled over by the price/
With its extremely low mass, EMIT value comparison with QLS.
instantly and accurately follows input And when you compare Qa with
signals, combining exquisite detail of mid other legendary speakers, a remarkable We get you back to what it's all about. Music
and high frequencies (to 32,000 Hz), thing happens. Speakers that used to ©1977 Infinity Systems. Inc. 7930 Deerin K Ave..
sledgehammer power capability and dis- sound great now sound wrong. Canuga Park. CA. 91304. (213) H83-4800 TWX 1910) 494-4919
persion to a degree never achieved by Get over to an Infinity dealer. A Pedestals optional
electrostatics or conventional drivers. toll-free call to 800-423-5244 will tell you In Canada: Gray Acoustics. Ltd. Markham, Ontario.

Sirs: farm,but good manners are still good
I've been married to Kris Kristof- manners, no matter how important
ferson for a long time now, but he's you are.
just as much a gentleman as he was Mr. and Mrs. American Farmer
the first time we met. To this day, Kris Cornbelt, Iowa
still takes the dishes out of the sink
Sirs:
before he pisses.
But, after all my years of intensive
Rita Coolidge
research into the question, 1 still have
Sirs: no idea why colored people wear
We all feel terrible. But it honestly funny hats.
never occurred to us that Bing might Margaret Mead
Sirs: want to ride in the cart. He seemed Margarcttavillc, Samoa
Look. In some countries, it's illegal perfectly content to run alongside.
to be a thief. In other countries, it's il- Sirs:
Manual Diaz
legal to be s murderer. In this country, You light up my wife.
Madrid, Spain
it's illegal to be a nigger. Nothing per- Pierre Trudeau
sonal; it's just the law. Sirs:
Sirs:
Johannes Vorster I haven't recorded in three years
I didn't mind the delays, or the
Prime Minister now. As a matter of fact, I haven't
stopover in Somalia, or the noise and
Republic of South Africa confusion.or the bullets, tear gas, and
Sirs: stun bombs, but I tell you it really
Demons in the form of dogs irks me when those snooty flight
ordered me to have Salvador attendants don't answer the call
Produced by buttons. Boy, pin wings on
Allcnde killed. Rick Waketnan
Richard ("Son of Uncle their tits and they think
Sam") Helms they own the airlines!
c/oC.I.A. Adolf Schmid
Washington, D.C. Cologne, Germany
Sirs: Sirs:
What's the big has- One reason that we
sle over Mideast for- didn't pick New York
eign policy, huh? I City to host the 1984
mean, after all, they Olympic games was
did kill Christ. because of that de-
Name Withheld centralization plan.
on Request You sec, New York
The White House City officials had
planned to have no
Sirs:
single Olympic Stadium
Any idea where I can
as such. Instead, different
get a pair of those cotton events involving Olympic
flannel pajamas that have feet
athletes were going to be held
in them and pictures of little
at a variety of locations around
bunnies and a twenty-eight-inch
town, including Flushing Meadow,
neck?
Shea Stadium, Madison Square
Arnold Schwarzeneggcr Garden, Roosevelt Raceway, hospital
New York, N.Y. emergency rooms, police stations, and
done a bloody thing. The baby
Sirs: screams, Yoko screams. There's the morgue.
Do you know if Chap Stick comes strained meat on me guitar. Cookies Olympic Site Selection Committee
in a rea! super jumbo size, and if so, in the piano. The house is full of Mt. Olympus, Greece
will it heal the clap? bloody noisy Jap relatives. It smells
Sirs:
A Troubled Teen like bloody fish all the time. Talk
[t has recently come to light that
Fayetteville, Ind. about pain! Look, I gotta go, the
the Federal government is a major vi-
baby's just had a shit on the eight-
Sirs: olator of its own Clear Water Act.
track.
Well, we've made the cars smaller. This, coming as it does so soon after
John Oh! No! Lennon
And now, for the first time in the his- similar revelations that the Federal
New York, N.Y.
tory of the American automobile, a government is a major violator of its
man can't strap a canoe on his roof and Sirs: own laws against wiretapping, mail
head for the great outdoors. You can I'm very surprised that Mr. Carter, tampering, and invasion of personal
blame the wahoo environmentalists president of the U.S., a world leader, privacy, makes me worried about the
for the destruction of this great millionaire, historic figure and all, apparent trend toward socialized
tradition. doesn't have the good sense to lift the crime in America. I'm concerned that
Henry Ford Fairlane seat when he tinkles. We enjoyed hav- loan-sharking, protection rackets,
Motor Suburb, Mich. ing him and his lovely wife stay at our narcotics sales, and counterfeiting
4 NATIONAL LAMPOON
will soon be targets for federal take-
over, and that the ultimate result will
be the same rising costs and declining
efficiency now found in such govern-
ment-owned operations as the Post
Office and Amcrak.
A Troubled Citizen
St. Louis, Mo.
Sirs:
It so happens that I have an alter-
native to your President Carter's con-
troversial illegal alien amnesty bill.
This is how it works; I declare myself
to be a Communist, and bingo! All il-
legal Mexican immigrants become po-
litical refugees. 1 mean, it worked for
Fidel.
Jose Lopez Portillo
President of Mexico
Mexico City, Mex.
Sirs:
We're pretty much supplying all the
military equipment and advisors to
both sides in the Ethiopian war
against the Somali-backed Ogaden
guerrillas down there in Africa, and 1
just thought I'd write and tell you
AKAI INTRODUCES
how things are going. Ethiopia has
scored a series of stunning victories,
driving all Somalian forces from its
THE PERFECT COUPLES.
Choosing a tuner and inte- pair it with the AT-2600 tuner.
borders, while the Somalian military grated amplifier is a lot like choos- Or the AM-2400 amp at 40
has completely overrun the Ogaden ing a mate. You look for things watts, RMS per channel, 8 ohms,
region and inflicted the Ethiopians
like compatibility, performance, 20-20,000 Hz at.15% Total
with massive casualties. None of that
appearance and, of course, fidelity. Harmonic Distortion. And the
no-win Vietnam crap for us.
Leonid Brezhnev Now AKAI makes match- AT-2400 tuner.
US.S.R. ing component separates foolproof No matter which perfect
with a whole new line of amps AKAI couple you choose, you get
Sirs:
and tuners. Paired on the grounds specs and features not found on
And another thing: I'd like to of total compatibility. And priced all-in-one receivers in the same
strongly object to the World Psy- to be affordable. price category. Improvements you
chiatric Association saying that Take the AT-2600 and the can hear.
there's "systematic abuse of psychiatry big AM-2800 amp, with a solid 80 Hear them today at your
for political purposes in the U.S.S.R." watts, RMS per channel, 8 ohms, AKAI dealer. And live in per-
That's nonsense. We absolutely do 20-20,000 Hz at .08% Total Har- fect harmony.
not use our mental institutions to in- monic Distortion.
carcerate sane political dissidents, be- OrtheAM-2600ampat
cause you'd have to he crazy to be a
political dissident here.
60 watts, RMS per channel,
8 ohms, 20-20,000 Hz at.1%
AKAI
Leonid Brezhnev
Ibid Total Harmonic Distortion. And
Sirs:
Pd like to set something straight.
The Carter White House does not
have an enemies list. We do have a se-
cret list (which includes myself, Bert
Lance, Andrew Young, and others) of
some pretty dangerous friends that we
have, but we do not have an enemies ART COLLECTORS:
list. For an 18" x 24" reproduction of this Charles Bragg etching suitable for framing,
Jody Powell send S2 to AKAI, Dept. NL, RO. Box 6010, Compton, CA 90224, ATTN: Couples.
Washington, D.C.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 5

The Socratic Monologue, 30
By Tony Hendra and Scan Kelly
Atlantis Solved Again, 33
ij By Gahan Wilson
The /Blunders of the Ancient World, 37
By the Editors
Sex in Ancient China, 45
By Gerald Sussman, illustrated by Maxi T.N. Chan
The Book of Sam, 49
By Sam Gross
A True Relation, 53
By John Hughes, illustrated by Warren SattJer
The Map Room, 56
By Tony Hendra and John Weidman, illustrated by Alan Rose, Bob Larkin, and George Stavrinos
True Gothic Romances, 61
By Danny Abelson, illustrated by Joe Orlando
The Golden Age of Show Business, 65
By Tony Hendra and John Weidman
Milestones in Archaeology, 70
By John Heinegg, illustrated by Chris Callis
The Cretins, 83
By Todd Carroll
Letters,4
Editorial, 8
Livid, 14
The National, 17
Roman Scandals, 26
Concerned Liberal Corner, 28
Funny Pages, 73
True Section, 89

SIX WAYS TO CLEAN-UP YOUR ACT.
If you play electric piano, organ, bass, the cleanest, clearest, and best possible
rhythm or lead guitar, or sing —]BL K Series reproduction of your music.
loudspeakers can make you sound better. And that's exactly why more professional
Each of these high-efficiency speakers musicians and performers choose JBL.
is specifically built, as only |BL can, to provide Maybe you should, too.
|BL K-Series Loudspeakers are available in six different sizes,

from 10" to 18!' Priced from $99 to $240.
GET IT ALL
itilbod Boulevard. Northridge. California 91329

"...All facts and personages of great importance
in world history occur, as it were, twice...the
first time as tragedy, the second as farce...."
Karl Marx
1 NATIONAL LAMPOON
*\WW*<T>'-
'- '-*•*•+??
SW
•&*%
•v.'l
W.v.
M •/*t ,
*-*'^
^ A'r;."'
* #58 ^1U^v>
:-;..*
The most -
refreshing taste
you can get =>*'
KC30L
KODL /r^.
*.*-
*Jo wonder if&America'sfl l menthol.

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous TO Your Health. *' Ki(ig:s,17 m'g."tar"1.3 mg. nicotine; Longs, 18 mg/'tar',
?\1 .3. mg. nicotine; av. per cigareite, FTC Report Aug. 77
«£"*•"-. ' -
LETTERS necessity of repeating the bill loudly take that offer from ABC and he's not
continued from page 5 over and over again to Senators James kidding.
Sirs: Eastland, seventy-three; John Stennis, A Curious Reader
Debate continues here in scientific seventy-six; Warren Magnuson, sev Toledo, Ohio
circles concerning theories of an ex enty-two; and Strom Thurmond, sev
panding universe. Many astronomers enty-five." Sirs:
and physicists believe that thtrc is an A Moonlighting Young Reporter I thought your readers ought to
ever-expanding number of theories c/o Washington Post know that close encounters of the
about an expanding universe, while third kind are illegal in Dade county.
Sirs: City Manager Joseph Grassie
other scientists argue that there will
Yeah, "Saturday Night Live" isn't Miami, Fla.
be an eventual collapse of all theories
maybe quite what it used to be, but
about an expanding universe, where Sirs;
there's one thing that makes the show
upon a new expansion of theories will How did you left-wing flakc-brains
an absolute must-see every single
begin. ever get it into your heads that the
time. That's Larraine Newman. God,
Professor Ed Carp, Ph.D. Baader-Meinhof gang had been mur
she's wonderful, sooooo talented (you
c/o Scientific Circles dered? Aren't you forgetting that
know she writes a lot of her own
University of California at Berkeley we're Germans? Man, we killed six
stuff)) and sex-eee. She's the tops.
Berkeley, Calif. million Jews and you didn't even
Thousands of Her Devoted Fans
All Over America know about it. Don't you think we
Sirs: could snufTa trio of parlor pinks on
Well, here's the news from Sirs: the Q.T. if we wanted to, for Christ's
Washington. Is there a hidden joke in the above sake?
"The House of Representatives, by letter? Did I miss something? Or is RJ. Germans
a majority of 354 to 4, has passed a using this column again for his own Germany
bill to abolish mandatory retirement selfish purposes? You know what I
at age sixty-five. Congressional lead mean, like, for instance, a clumsy at Sirs:
ers say the bill will receive a similar tempt to woo a well-known actress or, Speaking of the holocaust, who
overwhelming affirmation in the Sen just to give another example, a subtle pinned the "6,000,001" sign on the
ate, although certain delays are to be way of letting management know that back of my Pcndleton Shirt-Jac, huh?
expected due to the infirmity of Sena it's going to cost at least an additional Come on, 'fess up.
tor John Sparkrnan, seventy-eight; the twenty grand to keep him around this Peter Kaminsky
persistent forgetfulness of Senator worn-out giggle sheet for another Managing Editor
John McClellan, eighty-one; and the year. Because otherwise, he's going to National Lampoon
Loggins and Messina. Ending on a happy note.

This is the final recorded collaboration from Kenny Loggins and Jim Messina.
"Finale" is a two-record live album, featuring previously
unreleased songs as well as jubilant new versions of their most famous songs.
"Finale!' It's going to make millions of Loggins and Messina fans very happy.
On Columbia Records and Tapes.
10 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Technics designed the RS-9900US in
two com Donents for one reason:
To outperform all other cassette decks.
O O C> O
That's why, unlike other cassette decks, the Technics Technics RS-9900US. You've compared features.
RS-9900US is a "cassette system!' The world's Now compare specifications. Overall, you'll realize
first separation of a cassette deck into independent there's no comparison.
transport and amplifier units. TRACK SYSTEM: 4-track, 2-channel record and
The result is cassette performance that truly playback. 3 MOTORS: 1 direct-drive DC brushless
epitomizes contemporary cassette technology. And capstan motor. 2 DC careless motors for reel table
surpasses a number of today's open reel decks in drive. 3 HEADS: 2 HPF heads for record/playback.
significant areas of performance. 1 ferrite head for erase. FREQUENCY RESPONSE (CrCty-
With features in the transport unit like a closed 25-20,000 Hz ( ± 3dB). WOW AND FLUTTER: 0.04%.
loop, double-capstan, 3-motor drive. A 3-head system. WRMS. S/N RATIO (Dolby): 67 dB. HARMONIC
Pitch control variable by 10%. And full 1C logic DISTORTION: 1.4% (160 nWb/m 333Hz). SUGGESTED
control of all transport functions for absolute freedom RETAIL PRICE: $1,500?
and tape safety in switching modes. Technics RS-9900US. A rare combination of
With circuit technology in the amplifier unit audio technology. A new standard of audio
like a separate direct-coupled record amplifier. excellence.
DC reproduce amplifier. Headphone amplifier. "Dolby is o Ifademork of Dtjlby Laboratories, Inc.
"Technics recommended price, buf ocl'ual retail price will be sei by dealers.
Four independent Dolby* processors. Complete with
separate calibration for record and playback.
Continuously variable adjustment of bias and
equalization. Head azimuth adjustment. And internal
400 Hz and 8 kHz test signals.
Technics by Panasonic
Professional Series

THE LOUDSPEAKERTHAT LOOKS AT MUSIC
THEWAYYOU DO. JBLsLllQ
You're at a concert. The sound sur the way you do. Left. Right. Front. Back. and 71/2 pound magnetic assembly-
rounds you. There's a guitar. A piano. The LI 10 has almost perfect stereo normally found in 12" woofers. The
Some horns. You hear all of it. imaging—a result of precise, uniform result is smooth, accurate bass, plus an
But more than that, you hear each dispersion at every frequency. amazing level of efficiency and power
part of it. Each sound. Every sound. All Inside the LI 10, there's a brand new, handling capability throughout the
the sound. super-sophisticated crossover net entire system. (One more nice: You
Most loudspeakers can't do that. work designed specifically to match get more headroom for your ampli
They only meet you half way Only the brand new components. fier. Less clipping.)
left and right, all or nothing. JBL's new There's a new 10" woofer which
LI 10 goes all the way. it looks at music utilizes a massive 3" voice coil

Now look at the LI 10. The most
acoustically transparent grille JBL has
ever created is visually transparent,
too. You can see right through to the
satin black components inside.
If you'd like a lot more technical
information on the L110, write us and
we'll send you an engineering staff
Frequency Dispersion report. Nothing fancy. Except the
400Hz ~™-at2l<Hz at 10kHz specifications.
But you really should come listen
JBL's new $348 loudspeaker is part of the to the L110. And ask for it by its first
same research and development breakthrough name: JBL. You'll be getting the same
that created our no-tradeoff, state-of-the-art, Over four hundred of the leading recording
$1.740 loudspeaker system, the L2I2.
craftsmanship, the same components, studios in the world-from London to Los
If this graph looks familiar, it should. Our L212 the same sound heard in the very Angeles to Muscle Shoals to Munich to Tokyo
system produced an almost identical graph. top recording studios in the world. to Tennessee-use our sound to make theirs.
Shown here is Capitol Records in Hollywood.
GET IT ALL

\.\ Lmsing Sound. liK . 8500 B.llbod Blvd.. NoilhtuKi.o. i ,\M <>I3."> lliv;)i lidpliry loudspeaker from 5>Z07 to $3510.
testimony. man come to mind. It is curious to
OBSCURE
First, Socrates was a man, all men consider that whereas an assassin
are mortal, and most likely Caesar gives his victim a stroke with a blade,
was, too. Now, a man can die a death an oarsman simply gives his blade a
but once. In Caesar's case, the death stroke. Granted, on occasion, an oars
was by a stroke of the knife. But what man may also give the water a stroke
class of stroke by knife was respon with a blade. But that he should be
sible for his death? capable of either action must come as
Strictly speaking,there are four cat no surprise, as an oarsman is, in a
egories of ictus, that is, knife-stroke: sense, an amphibian, hence capable of
PHI1050PHY
(1) rictus, the misstroke or failed almost anything, even assassination.
stroke; (2) malictus, the injurious Indeed, were an oarsman to turn
stroke; (3) 5uf>erictus, the superfluous assassin, he would, most likely, in
stroke, or, as it is commonly called, stead of stroking his victim with a
A Decorative Column
hv Andrew Zimmerman
the would-have-been-fatal-if-not-for-
the-fatal stroke; (4) and invictus, the
fatal stroke.
blade, stroke his victim to death. A
disgusting deed! And we may well
shudder when we consider that only
The first kind, the misstroke, is a the impossibility of death by stroking
stroke that fails to coincide with the keeps it from common occurrence.
This Month; Livid
object—in this case, Caesar. Under Still, when we think upon the dan
A contemporary of Julius Caesar, Livid

is said to have written a philosophico-
fu'sttmcoanatormcal treatise, Con
cerning Dewlaps (or, Whirhcr
this category falls the stab that tore
Caesar's robe and the slice inflicted by
a random citizen on a loaf of bread a
thousand miles away on the shore of
gerous irreconcilability of reality and
impossibility, and how easily an oars
man may inadvertently or through
design duplicate the similar motions
Wattles.'). the Black Sea. of an assassin, it seems insane that we
A severe case of goiter apparently pro We call those strokes injurious should suffer the continuation of so
vided the inspiration for his work, al which harm the victim but do not numerous a class of potential assas
though he persisted in maintaining that kill. A stroke that slashed the thick sins. Potentially impossible assassins,
the fleshy appendage to his neck was an flesh of the neck but did not penetrate to be sure, but no less heinous for
heirloom of an unspecified substance the gorge is of this kind. that.
which he could unclasp any time he cared By superfluous stroke we mean Yes...now, where were we...fatal
to, only he didn't care to. There was some those strokes inflicted upon a being strokes...quite. Now, as only one man
truth in the denial, as the disease did run that is no longer being or will shortly could have dealt the fatal stroke, at
in the family. no longer be, irrespective of the in most only one man can be held to
There are those researchers who main flicted stroke. In carving a roast pea have been the assassin. To assert oth
tain that the affliction, whatever its na cock, one inflicts superfluous strokes. erwise, to maintain that there were
ture, accounts for his cognomen The fatal stroke is the stroke that several assassins, we must be equally
Lumpus, "the Cbu'n," though the major kills. Injurious strokes may contrib prepared to accept that Caesar, unlike
ity credit the name to his derisively re ute to the effect of a fatal stroke, but Socrates, was not a mortal and could
ceived ocuvrc. the fatal stroke is the stroke without die several times. And we are not so
By all accounts, it was, at best, a which the victim would not have prepared. Not in the least. No.
curious achievement, and is nou' consid died. Whereas other strokes may rain Now, as truth is the opposite of
ered a predecessor to some of the most lu in multiplicity upon a victim, the falsehood, and the premise of mul
dicrous scholarly undertakings of the fatal stroke comes but once. It was tiple assassins is undoubtedly false,
Renaissance. Only the follou'ing frag undoubtedly a fatal stroke that was then we must conclude not that Cae
ment survives. responsible for the death of Caesar. sar was killed by many assassins, but
Nor have we exhausted the fund of rather, by no assassins. In fact, his
N ow, the vulgar stubbornly persist all possible strokes. Those of an oars death was an accident. LJ
in preferring the evidence of their
senses to the dictates of philoso
phy. Upon presentation of what
seems to be, say, a dewlap, they would
undoubtedly aver that the thing in
question was indeed a dewlap, al
though, in fact, as any philosopher
knows, the object might well prove to
be a jowel, a flaccid gourd, or a jewel
curiously wrought. The same philo
sophical precaution also obtains in
public affairs. Consider the case of
Caesar.
The rabble assert they saw several
assassins plunge their knives into the
dictator. But a brief consultation of
philosophic principles will demon
strate the utter impossibility of their
14 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

WHEN YOU BUILD A SPEAKER
TO SOUND GREAT
ON EVERY PART OF THE MUSIC
YOU CAN'T CUT CORNERS
ON ANY PART OF THE SPEAKER.
A single HPM- 1 00 weighs almost 60 pounds.
The fact it weighs more than a Large Advent speaker, Bose 901 or JBL LI 00 is not an accident.
Our speaker frames are made of heavy cast aluminum instead of the usual stamped metal, so
you hear only the speakers vibrating and never their frames.
Our magnets are oversize to spare your ears needless distortion.
And our cabinet is made out of special compressed wood that's denser and heavier than ordinary
wood. So the sound is forced out of the cabinet instead of being absorbed by it.
Of course, not everything that adds to the sound of an HPM-100 also adds to its weight.
Our supertweeter uses nothing but a piece of High Polymer Molecular film to produce incredibly
clear and crisp high frequencies. ^
Our midrange driver
and tweeter have cones Individual controls for the
driver and tweeter. So you can
Incredible highs without / compensate for the acoustic
magnets, voice coif * _ > /
sharp response, but rigid or cone. I
fia ws in yoyr living room.
enough not to distort.

And our 12 inch woofer The 1 -3/4inch tweeter.
Its light but rigid cone makes
has a long throw voice coil sure guitars don't endup
and unique carbon fiber sounding like saxophones.
blend cone (instead of the A separate enclosure for the 4 Inch

typical cardboard cone) in the crossover unit driver so its sound waves don't interfere with
that work to produce the ihe woolerand tweeter. Or vice versa.
kind of realistic bass you

not only hear, but feel.
. Naturally, we could go
on. About our 12-1/2
feet of damping material.
Or about the aluminum
screws that keep our
•—"akers from falling out.
•yYe ordinarily used to
keep airplanes from
falling apart. Our 12 inch carbon fiber
But we figure at this blended woofer. Big bass
point you'd rather hear our sound doesn't come out
of small bass speakers.
speakers in person than
hear any more about them
from us. Cast aluminum speaker frames.
The/re not seen too often, which is
HPM-100
The all-around great speaker.
pan oi the reason speakers like this
aren't heard too often.

AIRQUALITY: OUTLOOK:
Acceptable ii * * * Bleak
SERVING THE NATIONAL LAMPOON SINCE 1975
VOLUME 1. NO.XCIV JANUARY, 1978 YELLOW STREAK EDITION 100CENTS
BUGS IN THE
ECOSYSTEM
ENDANGERED SPKCir.S: \ rare photo «f HIL- American |>nni[>liorii(.Lil on-kruadi.
Bronx, N.Y.-Attorneys for the White House went into

the U.S. Court of Appeals today in an attempt to overturn
Centuries after tins project
is rubble, the cockrojich will
INSIDE
We're no homos
still be Uoiirishing-n" onK
one of the most far-reaching environmental protection deci-
sions ever handed down by a federal court.
arrogant man will let these
creatures develop naiu-
but we love this Ladd
Last week. Federal Dis ral!v" According to Pevvier.
trict Judge Marvin Blail'arh scientists have found that
ruled that President Curler's Bhtihi the South Bronx cockroach
liiglih-iomed S100 billion animal indigenous Ilnds nutriiion. shelter and lour starving. ^hi
South Bronx Rescue Pro to the n mliborhood. "psvchic gratilicalion" from dren agamsi the ill
gram could not he launched "We" c not ag;iinst proa- slum tenements, particu- nf roaches whose
next monih liecau.se of "ir wc agree that the iarK unsafe buildings with would be endang
reparable damage 10 the Carter Administration's leak\ plumbing, lead-based the savasie. perm a
natural environment of the SIOO billion plan might pro paini. and inactive heating
region." Specitieallv Judge vide a few |ohs and homes svslcnis.
Blalfarb agreed with the for the people of the Bronx." "It's typical of Homo stipicn In ,1 related Mill
Environmental Protection said EPS general am use I chauvinism to assume that
Society (EPS) that the Webster Pewter Ml- "Bui we people are the onlv entities lire i!c pan in en i tr
South Bronx Rescue Pro- have to lake the lonu \ie\v whose rights should be

THE NATIONAL JANUARY. 1978
Mogadishu" Barely hours
Second City: after the world al large had

learned of the successful res
cue of the planes eighty-two
passengers and four crew
men by German com
mandos. Baader and his
The Underground
fellow prisoners were found
dead
A spokesman for West
German Chancellor Hel
mut Schmidt reported last
week that, in fact, the four
Goes Underground
West German officials have announced lh;ii their original tant sort of gangsterism. intentions and shot himself
radicals had erected an
entire city under the
Stammheim prison-an
underground metropolis
equipped with every com
fort and convenience.
account of the suicides of three German radicals members rowdvism. and terrorism. So in the head. "They had a multitude of
of the notorious Baader- Meinhof gang is in error, and have thev kilted themselves" Those accounts have now things at their disposal." he
released ;i new interpretation of the incident. Previous accounts of the heen disavowed bv West went on to say. "Depart
The initial explanation of incident also held that, just German officials, however. ment stores with up-to-the-
the deaths of Andreas ieast expected it." reported before he died. Andreas The newest interpretation minute fashions, wide
Baader. Jan-Car! Raspc. one unnamed West Ger Bander, speaking as his own of the apparent suicides ad screen cinemas and 'art
and Gudrtin linsslin, to man authority "The\ then hostage, was heard to de dresses questions that had houses.' tasteful specialty
gether with the failed sui threatened to kill them plore the son of world in puwlcd Germam and the shops, and intimate restau
cide attempt of a fourth selves if we did not set them which innocent guili) ter world when the bizarre in rants featuring the best in
radical. Irmgard M oiler, was free. Naturallv. we begged rorists were able to he ruth- cident was first announced. native gourmet cuisine. Also
that the lour had. upon re them to listen to reason, to Icsslv killed by a gang of How had the (bur managed modern and efficient hospi
ceiving word of an unsuc think of the lives that would terrorists merelv to further to secure weapons includ tals, two full-service banks,
cessful terrorist action on be lost. But the\ were ada their own specious political ing two guns. wire, and a low-prieed public transpor
their behalf in Mogadishu. mant. We tried to negotiate. ends. Similar!}. Gudnin knife -in their maximum tation, attractive pedestrian
Somalia, hijacked them but the\ were inflexible. Ensslin reportedlv begged securiu cells in Stuttgart's malls and "vest-pocket
selves in their own cells. They dcmanoed total free for mem from herself, hut Stammheim prison? How parks.' an international
taken themselves hostage. dom. $7 million in cash, a jei her pleas were met only had lhe\ managed to learn news kiosk, and Germany's
and killed themselves when to Bermuda, and four sets With sneers from herself. At so t|iiickly of the deaths of only franchiscd importer of
their terms were not met. of matched luggage with in the last minute. Jan-Carl three of four terrorists in an Blue Mountain coffee from
"They burst into their dividual monograms. We Raspc tried to escape, but aborted attempt to hijack Jamaica."
own jail cells when thev could not accede to this bla managed to divine his own and hold a Lufthansa jet in The discovery of the sub
terranean city now makes it
clear that the radicals could
All Star Dead Band, Take 47 have learned of the Moga

dishu incident via television,
telegraph, telephone, radio,
telex, holographic transmis
sion, or singing candygram.
All of these media were
available lo the four in their
underground complex.
As for the weapons with
which the three successfully
took their lives, speculation
is that they secured ihe guns
and wire at the sporting
goods store thai was parl of
the city. "It was just around
the corner from the good
bakery-the one with the
marvelous Dohos lone."
noted Swiss psychologist Al
bert Denker.
Thus the original story of
the self-hijacking has been
dismissed b\ West German
authorities as "hasty specu
lation done in ignorance of
the facts." When queried as
to how the four managed to
obtain the materials with
which to construct their se
cret ch\. government
spokespersons would only
say. "Germans can be quite
frugal and resourceful, as is
well known. We are an ener
getic people. And look at all
the spare time these people
T Wrecks. Binj; «ent flic strings of his heart. had."

JANUARY. mi-: NATIONAL
Principal photography commencing January 1,1978
Farrah Fawcett-Majors is
a musical comedy
Directed by Stanley Kramer with
Darth Vadar as Yasir Arafat • Peter Gushing as Dr. George Habash •

Lee Van Cleef as Faisal Omar Sharif as Hussein • Lee Majors as
Menahem Begin • Art Garfunkel as David Ben-Gurion • Timothy Bot-
toms as Yitzhak Rabin • Sammy Davis, Jr. as Moshe Dayan • Orson
Welles as the Gaza Strip-and special guest star Elizabeth Taylor as
the Suez Canal
Hear Gary "Israel" Bonds sing

the soon-to-be-released smash hit,
"Yasir, That's My Baby, Nasser, Don't Mean Maybe"
1UT3
Prepared under rabbinical supervision.

National Lampoon'sAn/mal House. .
Universal Pictures (due out in mid 1978)
THE SHOW
THE N.ifional Lampoon's "That's Nof Funny. Thrift Sick 1 '
PAPERBACKS
A slew of new ones romiMf.'. up from New Ampnr.in I ihr.iry
Samp name as the show, from Label 21
THE
RADIO SHOW
National Lampoon's True Facts Radio
now being heard five days a week on more than
?00 stations in the U S and Canada
NATIONAL LAMPOON
BEHIND ALL 635 MADISON AVENUE

NEW YORK, N.Y 10022
OF THESE THINGS Dear NatLamp: O.K., I'll laugh. Send me your idP
otic magazine. Here's my check/money order.
But I warn you, this better be funny.
IS THE Three years (36 issues) ..............................$14.00

(a saving of $31.00 over single copy purchases
and $4.00 over subscription price)
Two years (24 issues).........,..... ................... $10.00
(a saving of $20.00 over single copy purchases
and $3.25 over subscription price)
... the humor magazine.

There's only one magazine like the National Lampoon. Sure.
(a saving of $7.05 over single copy purchases)
National Geographic is good for a few laughs, and Ro//ing Stone Send my subscription to:
does great stories on the lady who started Vogue and long Name
dresses and lorgnettes. And I/me makes a lot of mistakes, which Address
are always funny, but it's hit or miss with those magazines. Na City State Zip
tional Lampoon is a/ways funny.
For each year add $2.50 for Canada. Mexico.
Add a new dimension to your life today- sly chuckles.Subscribe
and other foreign countries. Alt checks must be
to the National Lampoon
payable within continental U.S. or Canada.
REMEMBER! IF YOU DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THE NATIONAL
LAMPOON... YOU CAN'T GET (UN YOUR MAILBOX.

The
or
Hat
Trick
Situ- Shun takes a i icious
IbreclK'cl; Irnin !)a\c
Sdiiill/. Sclmn s head was
lost iii ilic action. Iml hi'
tu'iil on li» score llir<.'i'f>oaK
plore ways of building been grossly exaggerated, ian automobile today has
African Countries unity among the warring
commies. Tliis scheme
and added cryptically thai
the "condition of an Ital
nothing to do with prow
ess in the haiilefield."
also provides for the utili
Announce Plans sation of at least a portion
to Invade Italy
of (he enormous inventory
of military hardware that
was liuill up in these
countries due 10 competi
Testicle Donor
Joint Project Seen As Menus
of Kosleriiig l-nhy
tion heiwecn Russia and
the United Stales for in
fluence in this strategic
North African sector.
Plan Cancelled
Washington. D.C. The "Vifionul f-erlilin l-'oimdation
Mr. l.aiklee. in response
hits cancelled its federalK funded testicle donation
Addis Abbabo-Hatle laiklee, chairman of the Com- lo a reporter's question,
assured the Italian people dri\e. The driu1 mis ended after tailing lo solicit its
mittee of Solidarity for the Horn of Africa, today made
that tlie choice did not projected goal of 400,000 testicles. The testicles were
public plans developed by the Committee for a joint represent "any negative lo IK- giu-'ii lo infertile men wlio desired children. "To
invasion of Italy. Parties to the plan include Ethiopia, feelings" toward the Ital IK- honest with >ou," Dr. l-'viin McMurly said a( a
Somalia, and Eritrea. Both Somalia and Eritrea, a prov- ians, who once enjoyed Washington. D.O.. news conference, "we only got
ince of Ethiopia, are currently involved in armed con- considerable power as a three donations, urid two of tlicin rotted in the office
colonial presence in North
flicts with Ethiopia. ______________ t>efore we could figure out how lo free/e them." The
Africa. Mr. l.aiklee also
The unusual move ap screening of options on ventured the opinion that unused I'D driu1 funds will he transferred to the Na-
peared tn he the result of a the par! iif the committee, the image of the Italian lionat Association of Spare Colons, nil 11KW spokes-
careful and studied which was set up to ex soldier as "inept" had man said.
TA-DAAA.' MY LATEST FIRST, IT

INVENTION, THE ELECTRIC- MAKES ALL
"SPRING"
BUYtNGTOfJ
BUYINGTONS
O650L-ETE,1

THE NATIONAL JANUARY,
TV: "Sicks" and Villains

Shrinks Speak Out
A Comment on the "Kojak" Case images oC violence, crime, and brutality to the extern thai he
b\ Doctor Ziini was noi responsible lor his actions. In such cases, we psy
chiatrists are often asked. "What about it. doe?"
Being a professional in Ihc business of menial illness. I am Well, lei me put it to you ibis way. If LI man bludgeons his
often asked locomment on contemporary 'debates of various spouse to death with Volume Seven (Mom Io I'op) of the
sorts. The so-called "Kojak" trial in Florida is a perfectly rep l-'imrliifii'i/iti firiieiiiiiicci, should we therefore ban knowl
resentative case in point, combining as il does television, vio edge? (.'an the killer claim alphabet narcosis, and cop a plea
lence, and morality. The ease raises the following question: if of n(iisy-cuckoo? I think not.
a young man accustomed to a steac.lv diet of televised vio What our hypothetical homicide demonstrates is the prin
lence commits a violent crime, is not the programming ciple of "abuse." The murderer should have used the Eix-veto-
which conditioned him io accept and even approve of vio peditt to broaden his liori/ons. not flatten his male. Me. in
lence indirectly responsible for the crime? eflect. abused (he medium, (Freud tells of a gypsy molester
Let me answer the cjtiestion this way. If we allow thai who constantly abused mediums, but that's another story.)
"Kojak" is responsible for this young man's wrongdoing, Ditto lor TV. Thai silly lad in Florida might just as well
should not oilier programs he helt! accounutblc in ilieir blame waidling f'US for having turned him into an effete
turn? Why should the hijacker who holds a planeload hos bore as blame "Kojak" for converting him Io mayhem.
tage in order to gain the release of his imprisoned homo Lei me pin il another way. Suppose you mortally wound a
sexual lover be punished while Felix Uuger. the belter half sibling with a microwave oven should this in any way in
of "The Odd Couple." who may have conditioned ihc per fluence statistics on cancer deaths? Of course not.
petrator io approve of domesticated apron-clad males, is Icfl The purpose of television is not to make us violent. Far
free to mince around the kitchen and pout to his heart's con from il. The purpose of TV is to render us calm, placid, tran
tent? Why should embe//lers wear stripes while the game quil, and receptive to commercial messages.
show contestants who ideati/.c ruthless acquisitiveness pa -So. in this professional's opinion, if that kid thinks he can
rade through ihe streets with their bmiy? Doctor /inn get away with a plea of insanity, he's crazy.
Further, if the television set is adjudged a criminal in
fluence in our homes, we should turn our ullenlion io other
mechanical malefactors that may be working their insidious
evils even as you read this. Take as an example those smalt
Kn/ck Knack Paddy-Whack
statues that work as piggy banks, and slip a coin into a box
with a weighted arm or swallow quarters on metal tongues.
Should they be given a place in America's den's while larcc-
Give That Dog a Boner
nists arc incarcerated for thefl. as though the\ plucked the
idea of taking other people's money from thin air? What of
the electric carving knife or the blender, each of which en
courages the perception that organic mailer yields willingly
to being sliced, scrambled, or otherwise rearranged? How
many chain saw murderers or baby nniiilators have been
wrongly accused?
Ridiculous, you say? Patently absurd, obviously far
fetched? Surely no more than the claim made in all serious
ness in Florida, say I. hoping that the argument above serves
to prove that if we allow this irresponsible argument any cre
dence a! all. we will open up a gaping rent in our legal sys
tem big enough to drive a dishwasher through. Thank you.
The Uses of Illiteracy

by Dr. -Joyce Bothers
In a recent court case, the defendant's lawyers claimed
that ihe self-confessed murderer was not guillv by reason of
having habitually watched television, having become, in cf-
fecl. a television addici. so that his mind was clouded with UCLA vrlmlofiisls plan (u sliuK flic effect nf lurjjo rocks on canine Imliitf* patterns.

COMPLETELY
AW UTTERLY IF
Because no major record company would Sick!" is being distributed by Jem Records,
touch this album with your hands, we've 3619 Kennedy Road, South Plainfield, New
decided that we are the only people with Jersey 07080.
enough guts to produce and distribute our This coupon is for retail orders by readers
own record album. It is not for the faint of only, not for quantity purchases for resale.
heart. It's not brutal, frank, or obscene;
it's dirty! And very funny! National Lampoon Dept. REC775
Since it will appear on our own new label 635 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10022
(Label 21) and will be distributed in only a
handful of stores throughout the country, it is Please send me your album, "That's Not
possible that you won't find the album in Funny, That's Sick!" at $6.95.
your neighborhood al this time. If this is the Name______________________
case, you can purchase it through this ad.
The price is $6.95. The contents are out Address.
rageous, scurrilous, and oflensive. City__ .State.
Aitcfiiion, record stores: The new National There is no charge for shipping or handling.
Lampoon album, "Thai's Not Funny, That's
Fuel Economy Jan. 3

of tin* Month
Moves Kill 8:00 P.M. ABC. YOUNG DOCTOR BILLY. Billy Jones is twelve, a genius, the
chief surgeon at a major hospital...and he's in love. Mason Reese.
Rock Singer
Jan. 6
9:00 P.M. FYBC. CUFFS! While taking inventory in their pants warehouse,
Lenny and Sid stumble upon a time machine that transports them
to Paris during the French Revolution. Herh Edelman, Mickey
Rooney. Marie Antoinette: Fanny Flagg.
Winiiicil Area. Miss. A plane carrvtita IWL'niy-livi; niem-
het\u!'ilie l.ynru! Skynvril ruck ;mil roll jjroup cnisheil into
a wnodeil urea tixl;i\ utter tlio twin engine craft ran out of Jan. 10
gas. The pilot and copilnl wore both killed in the cnisli.along
9:30 P.M. ABC. JET SET SCAVENGER HUNT. Mike Rock socialite, jet-setter,
with Ronnic Van Xatuh. lead singer of ihe popular haml. a
uinuirNl. anil a Kick up wealisl. Compliance with President
professional scavenger hunter finds himself in Monte Carlo on the
t arici's lecjiiL-si lor fuel econoim IcaO the pilot in iituk'r- eve of the Grand Prix searching for Nikki Lauda's iron lung. Lyle
esiiinale the amount of I'm,1 1 needed lo make llu1 Jlisjln lo Waggoner.
Baton Rouge. Ihe plane, which was travell'ms: at lil'h-five
niph al the time ol'lhe cry-.li. is noted lor its excellent fuel
economy "The hand will eonlinue the lour." a spokesman Jan. 12
for llie Lynrwl Skvnyril jiroiipsmd.'Thev'll be doing a lot of 8:30 P.M. CBS. CHILDREN OF MANY NATIONS. A childless couple adopts eigh
hass- anil ilrimi-orienieil insirumeiitals. hut ihai\ what Uon-
teen children, all of different races and nationalities. Tonigftt, Toni
nie would have wanied,"
finds ou( she's pregnant. Donna Summer, David Cassidy, Rita
Moreno, Chief Dan George.
Major Weather Jan. 15

8:30 P.M. NBC. WAR ROOM JANITOR. Elmo is waxing the floor of the war room
Shortage Feared when lie notices a small blip on the radar screen. Scatman Cro-
thers, David Frye.
A report published h\ ihe American Society o(" Mete

orologists has raised the specier ol'a nationwide shortage ol' Jan. 17
weather in ihc awning, wars. "We arc using up weather at ;m 7:30 P.M. ABC. BACKFIELD IN MOTION. A middle linebaclier for the Sart Diego
unparalleled nitc." says the report, "and unless this reckless
Chargers is mistakenly awarded the Noble Prize for literature, and
consumption is slowed, there simply won't he enough lo «o
his home life turns topsy-turvy. Alex Karras, Abby Dalton.
around." ————————————————
The report notes that the The meteorological soei-
U.S. is now heavilv depend etv uri;es lhai a national
ent on imported weather, es- weather conservation pro Jan. 20
peeialK cheap Asian air and gram be instituted, to help 9:00 P.M. ABC. BEACH BLANKET VICAR. Heartwarming story of a young theolo
Canadian cold fronts, and eliminate unnecessary gian who opens a combination church-car stereo warehouse on the
that widespread economic weather use. They calculate beach in Malibu Heights. Jay North. Sister Crissy: Sissy Spacek.
itiul aesthetic hardship that savings of as much as
would result if they were re 25 percent could be
duced. "Outdoor resorts achieved by cutting hack on
and weathermen will be the nocturnal consumption Jan. 24
tiiM to feel it. hut it'll soon alone. "Most of our over 8:00 P.M. CBS. IESUS AND HIS NEW BEST FRIENDS. Home for the holidays
lilicr down to all of us." the night weaiher activity is 10- with Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Paul Lynde, George Gobel, and the musi
report warns. "Our major talh useless" they assert, cal Rttchie tamily.
topic of'conversation will he "After all. what do vou need
in danger of obsolescence." weaiher for when it\ dark?"
MAN, I HATE THE TASTE —YOU EAT IT

OF COFFEE — EOT I NEEP STRAIGHT FROM WHY
THAT MORNING LIFT— AND THE CAN?.' DILUTE
WHO CAN AFFORD SPEEP? IT?

Only Real
the natural cigarette
can taste so rich
yet be low tar.
Follow your taste to Real.
Your cigarette enhances its flavor Of course, the menthol in Real
artificially. AH major brands do. Real does Menthol is fresh, natural. Not synthetic,
not. We use only the finest tobacco blend You get a rich and round and deep taste,
and add nothing artificial. Nothing. A total taste that satisfies. Yet it's low tar.

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. Only 9 mg. tar.
©1977 R. J. Reynolds Tobocco Co.

and polish the columns. But, as you when I heard Caesar yelling, "Hey!
fellas know, there's no job less secure Too Brutey!" and rushed in just in
than a columnist's, and when Julius time to cool things off.
Caesar got impeached by Cassius and Speaking of Caesar, 1 have to laugh
Casca and Brutus, 1 figured it was when 1 read about him and Pompeia
about time to turn in my toga and and Clodius. Here's the real low-
hightail it out of that capitol. down.
But not without some fond memo Julius had been kinda suspicious
ries of high jinks and low jinks from about Pompeia for some time.
my years in the Senate, when I "Fishbreath," he told me as we were
worked rny way up from a lowly scrub getting ready for an important Senate
boy at the \bmitorium to become the session on the free school pablum
personal handmaiden and confidant program, "I want you to let me know
of more consuls and magistrates than everything that's going on with her,"
you could shake a staff at. It happened to be the night of the
R>r instance, I bet you don't know Good Goddess festival—you know,
that Julius Caesar was A.C.-B.C. where men are barred from the
Yup, and you know who his very se house—so I dressed up like a maid (I
cret passion was? Brutus himself! always did get a charge out of drag)
Their motto was, "When in Rome, do and kept a sharp eye on Pompeia. No
by Gluteus Maximus as the Greeks do," if you get my mean sooner had the festival begun when
ing. (And Caesar did have a good there was a knock on the door and
O
stia, May Ides, 44 B.C.-Well, it's eye—Brutus was broad-shouldered, this really butch voice says, "I'm here
an olive farm and a corn-dole pen barrel-chested—in fact, he was a first- for the Good Goddess festival. Please
sion for Old Fishbreath; kind of round draft choice for the Games. tell Pompeia."
a rough way to treat the man that Played Praetorian Guard.) Well, maybe the poor oaf thought
fetched and carried for the highest of Anyway, the way I found out was he'd fool somebody with that four day
the high for damn near fifty years in one night, Caesar and Brutus were on growth of beard under the veil and
the Senate; but it's better than being a their way home from the Caracalla thick, hairy legs under the gown, but (
signpost along the Appian Way, if you Baths, when Brutus suggested a trip knew it was Clodius sure as hell.
get my meaning (no wonder they to the docks over by the Tiber. Julie'd There was a big trial, but it didn't
called it the crossroads of the world). always,been curious about the S&M come to much—except as usual, the
I spent half a century on the Senate scene, but that night, things got a morons of the press got it all wrong.
payroll. Officially, my job was to clean little rough. I was on my way home Caesar said that although he didn't
continued on page 93
Taking up where Panama Kid

left off. A unique double
N barrelled offering of original
material Guaranteed to please
old and new fans alike. From
the band that's done it aL.
a new album
Produced by Jim Ed Norman (MCA-2307)

.MCA RECORDS
26 NATIONAL LAMPOON; Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Total Energy Response:
The reason why Jensen Lifestyle speakers
sound better than any comparable speaker.
Just what is Total part of the room. Not just the bass if
Energy Response? you're to the side of the speakers. And
Total Energy Response is the uniform not ]ust the treble if you're in front
radiation of sound throughout the whole of them.
listening area—at all frequencies. And it 2. Excellent stereo imaging. You
makes an unquestionable difference in hear everything that both speakers
the stereo sounds you hear. are putting out. Almost anywhere
Most speakers are to one degree in the room Unlike listeners of oth
or another directional. That is, part er speakers, who can fall victim to
of the room in front of the speaker gaps in the response characteris
gets the full sound. Bass, treble and tics, or "hole-m-the-middle" stereo.
midrange. While parts of the room 3. Excellent balance. Many other
to the sides of the speaker get just a speakers are hot on treble, or bass,
fragment of the sound. (See Fig. A) or both. But all that really means is
It's precisely this fault we set out that the midrange is often neglect
to correct. Because others may tell ed. Jensen sends the all-important
only part of the story. Often with midrange throughout a room every
just one response curve measured bit as much as the highs and lows.
from just one position —their 4. Total Energy Response is
optimum position. achieved in lensen speakers with
However their results don't look out any loss of efficiency. Which
so favorable when the test microphone is means a moderate output amp or
moved "off-axis!' receiver is still all you need for great
that is, to the side power—at all frequencies—throughout performance. Not a big super-amp.
instead of directly in the whole room.
iront oi these These speakers were conceived, de
speakers.
What gives Jensen Total
signed and tested for this. Tested from Energy Response?
Figure B illus every spot in anechoic "dead" rooms, A number of features. First, the ex
trates this, It is a reverberation "live" rooms, and
Total Energy Re tremely wide dispersion of the Lifestyle
simulated living rooms. Tuned Isolation Chamber™ midranges.
Figure A Ordinary sponse curve, taken Our finished products: remarkable dis
Speaker Dispersion Especially important are lensen's two
with test micro persion for the hard-to-disperse high fre
phones in all positions. When comparing tweeters: a 160° dispersion cone direct
quencies... 160° or 170° wide, depending radiator, and the 170° dispersion Mylar®
the Jensen (blue line) with a comparably on the model. Also expanded dispersion
priced "flat" speaker (red line), you can see Sonodome® tweeter. The sound input to
of the critical midrange response. And full, each of these drivers is precisely
how deficient the other speaker is in total rich bass that still perfectly matches the
radiated energy in the mid and mid-high monitored by lensen's exclusive ,
other frequencies for accurate sound re Comtrac* crossover network,
frequencies. This midrange deficiency is production. The way it's supposed to
unfortunately very common amongst which insures uniform energy
be heard. transfer between the woofer,
speakers, and gives many so-called "flat" You can see how midrange, and tweeter.
the sound from a For final command of the
Jensen is distrib Jensen Lifestyle's sound, behind-|
uted much more the-grille controls are featured.
evenly throughout These controls let you adjust the j
a room. And when treble, and in some cases, the
you're in your midrange, to the characteristics
own listening room Figure C lensen bfeslyle of your individual room.
LS-5 Dspersjon
. .you can/iear it. And with Total Energy Response...
there's more music to control.
What does ail this mean to you?
1. It means that with Jensen Lifestyle Hear the difference yourself...
Figure B speakers, you'll be able to hear all of the Stop by your local Jensen dealer
Total Energy Response Curve frequencies, all of the time, in almost any and hear for yourself the difference
response speakers a very "thin" sound Total Energy Response makes. It's the
The Jensen Lifestyle speaker, on the reason why Jensen Lifestyle speakers
other hand, demonstrates true Total sound better than any comparable
Energy Response. Uniform radiated speaker
For the name and location of your nearest Jensen dealer, write:
Jensen Sound Laboratones, Division oi Pemcor, Inc., 4136 N. United Parkway, Schiller Park, IL 60176.

Why has the infant, or as we de known for their reliability." Well and
cent liberals call him, the Natal Amer good, but arc we really talking about
ican, been singled out for treatment all young people here, or just a few
that makes the fate of Carthage look rotten apples? For example, when was
like an enlightened exercise in urban the last time that you read of an in
renewal? Is it because of his dimin fant running ofTto join the loboto-
utive stature and unprepossessing mized legions of the Reverend Moon?
physique? I think not. Try as I will, I Is it bands of infants who terrorize the
cannot find it written in the Con South Bronx and mug old ladies? Do
stitution that "Congress shall make infants stay up late at rock concerts,
no law abridging the rights of citizens popping pills and getting falling down
unless they happen to be very short drunk on cheap wine? Not even the
and cry when their mothers put them most confirmed ageists would have
down." Perhaps, then, it is because the the temerity to answer even one of
Natal American does not speak and these questions in the affirmative.
write English with the facility of, say, And what about our national se
a William Buckley? Again, this argu curity, and the much-bruited problem
ment collapses like the house of cards of leaks? 1 advise that you take an in
that it is when a quick examination of fant, any infant, and sit him down at a
S.A.T. scores reveals that the verbal top-secret meeting of the Joint Chiefs
by Peter Kaminsky skills of the average Natal American of Staff. Give him pen and paper.
are certainly no less than a freshman Give him a tape recorder, whether
T here comes a time in each nation's

life when good men can no longer
turn their heads from injustice, It is
a time when the call must go out
entering one of our institutions of
"higher learning."
No, these are simple answers, and
simple answers just won't do here. I
audio or video. Then turn him over
to the Russian (or Chinese) secret
police. Allow them to offer him the
most outrageous bribes; fast cars,
across the land to right the wrongs of believe the problem goes much fancy women, drug-soaked teething
centuries. Tyranny must be undone, deeper. I believe that it lies in the rings. Let them practice on him tor
or it shall be our undoing. I, for one, greed, cupidity, and selfishness that, tures that would make Idi Amin
can no longer hold my peace. taken in sum, make up our collective squirm and turn his head. I arn con
As all reasonable men would agree, national psychosis. fident that when all is said and done,
there is, living at this time in the And, clearly, we are talking about the Communist mind police would
United States, a large oppressed mi stark, naked, irrational avarice when not be one jot closer to unraveling the
nority that was dragged, through no we consider the benefits that would proceedings of that meeting.
choice of its own, kicking and scream accrue to our national existence were Yes, the infant keeps his counsel,
ing, to the bosom of our so-called de this downtrodden race accepted into exhibits the most chaste and sober
mocracy. Once here,its members were the ranks of first class citizenship. habits, and is in all respects an up
quartered in barred pens that could Ask yourself: has any Natal Ameri standing, 100 percent law-abiding citi
barely accommodate the average Hot can ever been convicted of a felony or zen. Yet, to paraphrase Rousseau,
tentot, and then forced to subsist on a misdemeanor? Has even one of them "The infant is born in chains, and is
diet of warm mush. even been accused of stealing a loaf of only declared free when he grows up."
Though they number in the mil bread, kiting a check, or blowing a Who will join me in a crusade to
lions, these unfortunates lag behind horn in a hospital zone? free the children? The present situa
all others in employment and income. No, never. tion is intolerable. It is a clear-cut and
And this in the much-vaunted "af "True enough^' you say "but after glaring miscarriage of justice... an
fluent society." The simplest and most all, young people, as a class, are not abortion. D
fundamental rights, things that you
and 1 take for granted, have for roo
long been denied them. To this day,
they are barred from owning a home,
receiving a bank loan, renting an
auto, or making a collect telephone
call.
While the black and the Hispanic
can, in theory, seek redress at the
polls, I am deeply saddened to report
that this group has, to all intents and
purposes, been excluded from the
franchise guaranteed all Americans
under the Fourteenth Amendment.
Needless to say, not a single one of
them has ever been allowed ro stand
for or hold elective office in the 201
years that this nation has laughingly
called itself a "republic."
1 refer, of course, to infants.
28 NATIONAL LAMPOON
VIRGIN ISLANDS RUM
(With the taste of the
Virgin Islands.)
Enjoy a taste of the
Virgin Islands tonight.
Mr. Boston Virgin
Islands Rum. Perfectly
clear, dry and every bit
as sunny as the Islands
that distill it. Makes
IMPORTED
RU
you wish you were there.
BB*G WORKD ROM THE VIRGIN ISLANDS IN

ran PHOT - Borneo BY MR mm nismi»
SOSlDti, MASS,. OWENSBOHO. KY.AlBH41.w- ••
Let Mr
Boston
make
your
party.
Virgin Islands Rum. 80 Proof. Imported and bottled by Mr. Boston Distiller, Boston. Mass.. Owensboro, Ky., Albany. Ga © 1977.

This is a pair of Bose Model 301 design. Asa result, a pair of Model These features make the
Direct/Reflecting® bookshelf 301s has woofers pointing straight Model 301 an unusual speaker
speakers with their grilles removed. ahead and tweeters angled out with unusually fine performance.
What's odd about them might ward. A large proportion of the Its suggested retail price—a little
not be immediately obvious, but high frequency energy is reflected over $100 per speaker— makes it
it's very significant. Unlike most off the side walls and then into the an extraordinary value.
pairs of speakers, they're not center of the listening room, rather You already know the Model
identical. Instead, the left-hand than being aimed directly at the 301 looks different from other
speaker is a mirror image of the listener. As in a live performance, bookshelf speakers. Now visit a
right-hand speaker. the listener is surrounded with a Bose dealerand hear
Bose goes to the extra trou ble balance of reflected and direct how different
and expense of making the two sound. This is the same principle it sounds.
speakers of the pair you buy differ used in the Bose 501 and in the
ent to provide the proper propor new Bose 901® Series III Direct/
tion of reflected and direct sound Reflecting speaker system. The
at high frequencies, a feature result is extraordinarily open,
unique among bookshelf speakers. natural, and spacious sound.
To accomplish this, each In addition, the Model 301 Dual
speaker is of an "asymmetrical" Frequency Crossover™ network
causes the woofer and tweeter to
operate simultaneously for more
than an octave, providing excep
tionally smooth midrange response
and an open spatial quality.
With the unique Direct Energy
Control, the Model 301 provides Better sound through research.
excellent performance in a wide For a free, full-color brochure on the Model 301,
write Bose, Dept. NL10, The Mountain Framingham,
variety of rooms, including small Mass. 01701.
Reflected Sound apartments and dormitory rooms. Patents issued and pending. Cabinets are
And it is truly small enough to fit walnut-grain vinyl.
in a bookshelf.
Solved Again by Gahan Wilson %iJ
Ever since Plato spoke of the lost

city of Atlantis to his disciples,
scientists and philosophers speculated
as to its whereabouts, or pondered
on its mysterious end.
Millions were spent on expeditions

in attempts to discover Atlantis,
but all ended in failure, if not in
actual embarrassment.
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. i avmnnv

By an ironic fluke of nature, an artifact thrust
up from the San Andreas fault pointed the
way to the fabled city's location.
\\
As more material accumulated, the Atlantean

hieroglyphics were translated, bringing about
an increasingly clear understanding of the
ways of these ancient people.
At last came the

big breakthrough,
providing entry
into the fabled city.
It soon became obvious

that the ways of the
Atlanteans and those of
their discoverers were
not unalike.
HNATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

More and more, the explorers felt increasing
kinship between themselves and this long-
dead civilization.
Indeed, the resemblances

were uncomfortably close.
The brilliant
technology of
the Atlanteans
was nowhere But what strange and fatal event
more clearly demonstrated than had caused this busy society to
in their "imperishable" fast come suddenly to a final halt?
food, still as fresh and edible
as on the day, untold thousands
of years ago, when it was served.
The remnants of a press
conference gave the
scientists their first
solid clue to the
cause of Atlantis's
doom. Translations of
reporters' notes
indicated a bold
new source of
power had been
invented and was
about to be tried,
in spite of some
misgivings regard
ing its safety.
Though the mortuary conditions of the city

seem to clearly indicate the results of activat
ing this unfortunate invention, the leader of
the expedition felt it
would be unscientific
not to complete the
investigation.
The present expedition, too, in spite

of some doubts, will probably feel it
necessary to pursue its inquiry to its
logical conclusion. L
THE BLUNDERS
OF THE
ANCIENT WORLD
THE HANGING GARDENS OF BABYLON

THE ACROPOLIS AT ATLANTIS
THE GREAT LIBRARY
AT ALEXANDRIA
*
What's weirder than a time warp, unique as a unicorn? A magazine that's totally new in
concept, a magazine that's brilliantly executed, a magazine that has real impact on its
readers- Heaw Metal, the illustrated fantasy magazine, is one.
Published by Twenty First Century Communications, the creators of National Lampoon, it

began in March of 77 with a limited distribution. Within months, its sales had tripled.
Heaw Metal has already gone far beyond any magazine of fantasy or science fiction in the
quality of its artwork, the daring of its stories, the number of copies sold.
We have quoted a fan who wrote to us: "Heaw Metal is better than being stoned. Almost."
You can subscribe today.

r ———————————————————————————————————— _ ————— . —————
HeavyMetal— 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N V 1002? NL 178
Yes, I want lo be a subscriber to Heavy_Metaj. the illustrated fantasy magazine. 1 realize that this
subscription entitles me lo deduct $8 00 from the subscription prices listed below.
D 1 have enclosed my check or money order.
BankAmericard ff ________________________
Bank a FypiraHnn DMe
month year
DOne year (12 issues). .................................... $18.00. Deduct $8-00-you pay $10.00
D Two years (24 issues). .................................... $26.00. Deduct $8.00-you pay $18. 00
D Three years (36 issues). ................................... $33.00. Deduct $8.00-you pay $25.00
Send my subscription to:
NAMF:
AnnBF«N-
CITY: STATF- TIP:

SEX IN ANCIENT CHINA
vagina. It was slanred, and Hi-longed

to a woman named I la-Shu. Lo-Ming
didn't know whal lo do with it, hut
was fascinated by its contractions, its
inner workings, and Us si range secre
tions. He examined the vaginas of
thousands of young Chinese women,
and they were all slanted one way or
the other. Lo-Ming thought this \vus a
sign from ihe Ciods, and proceeded lo
design and build everything in China
on a slant. Houses, roads, I u mini re
were all built on a slant. People had to
walk in a tilted manner. This was dif
ficult, but the Chinese were used to
adversity, and no one questioned it.
1W about 40,000 years, the Chinese
existed in fhjs slanted way of life. It
turned out that slanted const ruction
was an ingenious way of surviving
earthquakes and floods, because ihe
center of gravity was never the same
in any given area. Water simply rolled
off the earth and earthquakes never
and after a few days of discomfort he
gathered momentum.
found that his ac.hes and pains disap
peared. From his new upright posi
tion, he discovered he could easily
knock down and overpower his
slanted enemies and create the dy
nasty he dreamed of. Luang Ti unified
many of the warring but slanted states
of China under his rule, and vowed
to "straighten out" the country and
"put it back on an even keel."
Since Luang Ti felt a lot better
standing straight, he paid more atten
tion to sex. He is given credit for the
invention of foreplay. Luang in
troduced touching, squeezing, fond
ling, and heavy petting, but confined
it all to his own body. He got great
pleasure in feeling himself up, and
saw no reason to do it to others, espe
cially women. Even though the vagina
had already been discovered, men had
not yet figured out what to do with it,
or what to do with women at all.
Most women were eaten, or used as
slaves* The royal chef had over 9,000
recipes for cooking women, and
Luang Ti loved to cat little girls for
breakfast, especially with black bean
sauce.
Luang Ti liked to engage in hours
of foreplay on himself, while his reti
The Age of Luang Ti nue watched enviously. They were
in this position. He askecl his favorite
not allowed to imitate him. Eventu
herbalist, Slmng-1'u, for advice. The
ally, he would ejaculate all over his
J n 5,000 B.C., a tribal chieftain wise old man was about to retire on a
I named Luang Ti decided to form a pension, and had nothing to lose
I dynasty. The country was still con when he uttered the words, "Why
ducting its business on a slant, and don't you stand up straight?" Luang
LiumgTi was getting severe shoulder ! i put him lo death for this facetious
and back pains from doing everything response, but tried the advice anyway,

clothing, making stains that were dif S'hung suggested that they find all exquisite simply placed in the
ficult to remove. One of his advisors, women who possessed vaginas and women's outer lips. He would leave
a young poet named S'hung, said to put them to death. Obviously, said his penis in this vaginal "vestibule"
him, "Mighty one, why should you S'hung, this strange organ is an in for hours until he ejaculated. He did
ruin your beautiful silk robes and strument of H'sa, the Messenger of this for the rest of his life, traveling
suede riding pants? This strange sub Death. By the time LuangTi awoke from province to province, a pre
stance coming from the royal penis is from his coma, about fifty million cursor of Johnny Applcseed, not even
as difficult to remove from sucdc and women had been executed. When he knowing that he, too, was "planting"
. silk as the honey that flows from your heard of this, he lost his mind. His ;i new population.
nose. Why not allow your precious well-meaning but ignorant ministers For another 500 years or so,
fluids to enter an orifice of one of the had virtually destroyed his new Chinese males practiced the method
women before eating them?" source of pleasure. Before LuangTi of LuangTi, placing their penises in
LuangTi took the poet's advice, fainted, he knew he had felt the great the outer openings of the vagina and
but didn't get to ejaculate into a va est joy in the world, the secret of eter getting their pleasure out of this ex
gina for another seven years, concen nal happiness, and he wanted to quisite coupling. None dared to
trating primarily on cars and navels. spend the rest of his life doing what move their bodies, especially the
The first time he entered a vagina (he- he did to the striking redhead (she males, who were terrified of what lay
longing to a striking redhead named was the first to be killed, he learned, behind the first fraction of an inch of
Yu-Ming), he was so overwhelmed which saddened and enraged him the vagina. In the meantime, the Chi
with pleasure that he fell into a even more). LuangTi renounced his nese invented gunpowder, silk,
swoon, fainted, and remained in a throne and his kingdom, and pro ;ind paper. They built the first tele
coma for eight days and eight nights. ceeded to walk the length and breadth vision set out of bamboo shoots, win
While the great Emperor-God was of China looking for surviving ter melon, and dried mushrooms.
in a coma, his ministers and advisors women, so that he could simply put They invented the airplane, but de-
thought he would surely die. In re his penis in their vaginas. He had no tided to make it out of painted porce
venge for this heinous crime, the poet idea of what to do with it, but it felt lain. The silk toaster suffered from
continued
Luting Ti in his holy mission of re/jo/)i(/«lm# China (5000 B.C.
NATIONAL LAMPOON 47
SEX IN ANCIENT CHINA
ivnirmiW ___ _ _
the same lack of durability.
L
uang "I i's teachings became a
rigid code of sexual behavior for
China until the "happy accident"
occurred, and sex as we know it today
was invented. On or about 4200 B.C.,
in the province of SIVun, a magistrate
named Lu was having intercourse
with a young woman in a courtyard.
They were coupled quietly for an
hour or so when their mood was bro
ken by a vegetable TV set that was
thrown out of the window of a house
by an angry tailor. The TV set acci
dentally hit Lu on the buck, and
forced his penis deep into the
woman's vagina. They both screamed
in incredible ecstasy. The magis
trate thought he would be punished
for what he did. He had no idea
that a vagina could be so deep.
The woman felt intense waves oi
pleasure, and begged him lo do what
ever he had done again. And
so Lu asked the tailor to throw the
TV set out of the window once more,
striking him on the back. This time,
Lu unconsciously flinched a little in
expectation of the slight pain of get
ting hit, which resulted in a thrust of
his pelvis inward toward the woman's
vagina. Again she cried in ecstasy.
This was the fir si time a woman ever
received any pleasure from the sex
act. In fact, the woman was so over one with its intensity and ecstasy. It
come wirh pleasure rhat she suggested took the Emperor a full seven seconds
to the magistrate that he do without to recover his poise, behead the
the TV set thrown at his back, be
r
couple, and become swallowed up in
cause of all the time needed ro carry he invention of the orgasm is the full quake that followed. One
the set back to the fifth floor of the clouded in a little more mystery. who survived and saw the scene, a
house. Would it not be easier to The records show many who minor poet named Huan, claimed
flinch in expectation of getting hit by claimed to be its originators, but most rhat the lovers screamed, "Org!
the set rather than actually getting scholars and archaeologists give the Orgl" as they climaxed together. He
hit, she suggested. 1 he magistrate was credit to Lao-Mu, a minor minister in said that even after they were head
infuriated and humiliated by the in the court of Ching-Po, Emperor of less, they continued to move and vi-
solence of a woman making a sugges China in 5350 B.C. Lao-Mu, who also braie for another hour and a half
tion to him, no matter how humbly it invented the puppet, was having an under the debris of the crumbling
was put. Me refused her idea and con adulterous affair with one of the Em palace.
tinued to do it his way, this time or peror's concubines, a certain Wah- Of course, the lovers could have
dering his servant to run up with the Ming. They were in Wah-Ming's been screaming "arg" or "eeg," cries of
set and throw it down as quickly as chamber.s doing the sex stroke, or extreme pain. Whether they actually
possible. shih-poo, as it came to be called, when cried org was not important. The
However, [he next time Lu desired three events occurred simultaneously. point is that something pretty terrific
intercourse, he tried it without a TV A firecracker planted under their pil happened. This time, the innately
set or other heavy object being lows by Win-How, the mischievous conservative Chinese thought better
thrown at him, simply moving his nephew of Wah-Ming, went oft under of duplicating the event every time
body in the manner he had previously the lovers; an earthquake started, they wanted to enter the ultimate
improvised. The feelings that en which caused the ground beneath state of sexual ecstasy, especially sim
gulfed him and his woman were so them to crack and move violently; ulating the earthquake. Luckily, real
exciting that he could only compare and the Emperor himself burst earthquakes occurred quite fre
them to eating Velvet Chicken or Sau- through the doors to catch them in quently, and provided couples with
teed Oysters with Young Ginger. Lu, the act. The lovers suddenly had a many exciting orgasms before swal
the magistrate, had accidentally in- majestic climax, which stunned every lowing them up. I I
4« NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

THE BOOK OF SAM

WKftTS HE DOING
HER€? I THOUGHT
I TOLD YOU TO
COME flLONE
"Don't bother, that's Oncm.

"All right, nou1 that you guys have all
been briefed, you know what to do! . . .
The plague ii-ill begin at 0700 hours."
<Â
"It's the only way I can get it to stay on."

The National
Lampoon
Sells Out
\Vbuldn't you?
^
The Gentleman's Bathroom
Companion II iBOl 018)52 !iO
The National Lampoon Up
Yoursell Book-Searching >o< the
«ay 10 Ue a belle' you untu you die
iBOi017iS25G
The Naked and the Nude:
Hollywood and Beyond-
WafLamp Goes toiiie Movies.
1"° Tinsellown laid oaie
(BOI016IS2 50
The Best of National Lampoon, The Best ol National Lampoon, The Best ol National Lampoon, The Genlleman's Balhroom The Iron On Book-IS neal
No.3(BOl003;1973S25Q No. 4 (601006)1974 $2 50 N0.5(BOl009)!975S250 Companion-An aninoiogy of iranslers (of you' cheap T-shirls
smui tiom oui oacv cages (BOt012jS250
<BOIOObS250
The Best ol National Lampoon, The Encyclopedia ol Humor The Besl ol National Lampoon. The National Lampoon 1964 The Very Large Book ol
No.6 iSO'Olfj; >9/fiS? 50 0'iginal hysteria m aionaQelicai No.7 -BO'JIO'SJSOCiiC': High School Yearbook Parody Comical Funnles-A mgniy
oi(3e:(B01005)S2X O'iginal survey ol l'ie world ol
Use this coupon for your order.

National Lampoon Mona
Gorilla T-shirt HS1019) S3 95 naioaie l!ie prcducls you vvouKi like enclose C'ICCK a- -noi>ev
o'(te oiace 11 envelope ancseiwio
National Lampoon, Dept. NL-178
635 Madison Ave.. New York, N.Y. 10022
(SOIOOt)(BOi003)(BOt005)lBO-006)[BOl007)(BOI008)iB01009|
fBO'OIIKBOIO^KBOIO'&ifBO'Ote) -i!'"r-~"Bu'OiO; H'J 10 Oi S3 50 eacn
("TStOr9tS3 35each Circle sma* TIBOIUT ia>ge
iTSi02-!)S395eacn C»cie s-naii meaij'" U'ge
>TS1025)S395each Circle smai. neau-r- wge
rBNIOO')S3.85each S7!OiO'Mn S99C/'o- l-iree
(BNI002)S1500each
(BMi003ISi3.50eac'i
fBNI004)SI250each
(BO10l7|(BU1018IS250each
(Please enclose 50c pe: ordei to/ postage and Handling ]
New Voik Slate residents add 6' > ta>.
New vorkCily residentsaad8\ la*
1 naveencioseaa loialois _ .— _. .
(New York Ciiy and New York State residents, please add applicable sales laxes ;
(please (>nni)
National Lampoon Binder
3B5eatr: SV'lO
lor two S990l0rln.ee
National Lampoon Binder
Wilfiali 12 issues Iront 197-1 Cny _ __State____ _
(8N1 1002)S15.00each All 12 easebesuie tfiat yovi up cotfe is c,o:iecl)
issues from 1975 (BN1003)
Si350eacn AIM 2 issues from
1976(BNiOOijStS 50each
Ai-12 issues liom WT^tv'-ujSi

A TRUE RELATION OF THE INC A EMBASSY
TO THE PROVINCE OF NEW PERU
and Certain Observations Concerning
the Two-Legged, Four-Legged, and Six-Legged Savages
Who Inhabit That Blighted Realm,
As Recorded by a PRINCE OF THE INCA
by JOHN HUGHES
saw me as a short, brown, thick-chested God who had come

On Being Sealed in from the Wst to deliver them from their unhappiness.
•withGumea Pigs
and
the \kyage Across Hostile Seas
to the Land Called Spain
JiHE VOYAGE was long and difficult. My food stores
were insufficient, and I was forced to eat the guinea
'pigs I had brought along for sacrifice. The air inside
the tightly scaled Great Jar was hot and stale, and stank of my
body nnd its foul products. When at last 1 washed up on the
shores of "Spainland"' I was joyous, and thanked the Clods.
The natives rejoice at my arrival.
Of the Aberrant Inhabitants

of the NeuWorld
The Sea Jar served me well. i FFER I had claimed the land in the name of the Em-
\ pirc of the Inca and had given it the name New
\ was greeted immediately by the two-legged natives. They Peru, I turned my attentions toward a close exam
were awed and overwhelmed by my presence, and they ination of the two-legged natives. I was shocked by their aston
pointed at me and laughed with glee. I propose, based upon ishing ugliness. They were tall, lean, slender, and their skin
-the warmth and kindness of their greeting, that these natives had no hue. Their women had hideous round breasts that

.rex
..,.LI high upon their chests. Their eyes were a variety of gro The heathens practice a religious exercise called "praying"
tesque colors, and some poor creatures had colorless hair that in which they kneel (to make themselves less ugly), clasp their
matched their pasty skin. hands together, and beg for gifts and favors. They believe that
much begging in this manner will endear them to the Gods
and allow them to grow wings when they die. Those who do
not beg in this manner arc called "jew men," and when they
die, it is believed they go into a cellar and burn.
The squatty beauty of the Inez.

The fair, delicate ugliness oj the Native,
Of the Monstrous Mongrel Rulers

HE RULERS of New Peru are enormous, six-legged
creatures with two heads. One head is similar to that
Ibises of the llama, only five times the size. The other head
is smaller and resembles that of the white natives. The skin on
the upper body is strong like metal, while below, it is soft and
fur-covered. It speaks the wretched tongue of the white na
tives from the smaii head, and from the large head, it taiks in
a simple beast tongue. It has a penis the size of a mans leg. Its
great penis and its gigantic body make it an arrogant leader,
and it often will shit freely in the streets and splash its urine on
They who he$ the Clods for gifts
passersby.
are promised eternal iife as a bird.
Of the Day Called Sunday

!HE NEW Peruvians divide their time into "weeks!'
which consist of seven days. The seventh day is called
Sr'SundayT and on this day all work and commerce
ceases. The natives dress in uncomfortable clothing and gather
in large palaces for a carnival called "church." The carnival is
run by a jester who is called "father"' although he does not
touch women.
The large head contains the hraiu. The small head speaks.
Of the Heathens Foolish Gods

SHE TWO-LEGGED native has a virulence that is most
3ievident in his religion. His Clods arc foolish and pow-
scrlcss. He does not exalt them with palaces filled
with gold. He does offer them daily sacrifices of animals and
young women. He nails his Gods to pieces of wood.
His Gods are many, and they are bought and sold in mar
kets. They are metal or wood figures of frightened maidens
and tortured, half-naked men. These figures are hung on the
walls and worshipped. Thi' father cover* his lic\u! ii'ilh ti colorful cloth sack.

The carnival begins with the singing of sad songs. Then the ' mooo.' But they arc docile and civilized and do not rebel,
father begins a long, horrible oration in a strange tongue that although they arc much stronger and more sensible than the
only he speaks. The two-legged natives fear him and his mad two-legged men.
ness, and they hide behind benches and close their eyes.
Every Sunday, the heathens (i»nc to hide from the insane jester
who pretends to lie father of them all.
A heathen woman steals milk from a screaming cattle it'Oiiian
as her hahy ii taken to l>e hilled and made into gloves.
After the father'grows wear)- of his oration, he invites the
two-legged natives to come to him and make sacrifice. They At day's end, the catties return to their "barns," rude shelters
sacrifice not blood or virgins, as civilized men do, but rather that arc so crowded, the catties must stand up as they sleep.
small metal discs bearing portraits of their "king!' Following The two-lcggcd men live in warm and spacious shelters, and
the carnival, the heathens return to their homes, where they sleep on comfortable soft mats.
feast upon hca.tcd birds like those that they believe they be The cattle suffers an even greater indignation. After he has
come after death. worked so hard for the two-legged natives, he is often re
warded by being slaughtered. His flesh is then boiled and
Of the Agriculture and eaten, and his skin is made into shoes.
the Cattle Men Of the Inclusion of New Peru

ON NEW PERU, the two-legged natives do not control
jtheir agriculture. They do not know the soil or how
in the Realm of the Inca
ijto make it yield food. This knowledge is held and
j EFORE 1 returned to Cuzco.I selected a cattle whom I
applied by large, intelligent, four-legged, horned slaves called
i judged to be most intelligent, honest, and worthy of
"catties."
gfeJi': my trust, andi I named him governor ofc New Peru. 1
All day the male catties till the soil, as white natives wander
pledged the support of the Empire of the Inca in his rebellion
behind them. The two-lcggcd native docs not have the in
against the two-legged natives and their six-legged rulers.
telligence to understand agriculture, but still he observes the
When the catties overthrow their oppressors and arc supplied
catties, day after day.
with Inca knowledge and the seeds of our many plants, they
will raise much food and contribute wealth to the Empire.I_!
- Though he raises a variety of food for the white natives,

the cattle is fed only dead grass.
While the male catties are out working in the fields, the
two-legged native women steal the milk of cattle women by The Roya! Governor of New Peru and
pulling on the poor catties' dugs despite their pained cries of the territories of the New World.

THE GREAT MAP OF CRISTOBAL COLON
(CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS) 1492
Although it was for centuries assumed that Columbus made no map of his westward voyages, the chart below
was discovered among Queen Isabella's personal effects, recently unearthed in a third subbasement beneath the
Prado. Scholars speculate that the map was suppressed by the Spanish queen to avoid embarrassment both to
herself and to her protege.
56 NATIONAL LAMPOON
THE GREAT MAP OF FRANCESCO Dl PISO1494
PlSEMGA.
Also discovered in the queen's belongings was this chart, one of the first ever to be made of the New World. The
work of distinguished Sardinian cartographer Francesco di Piso (1401-1494), the map was commissioned by Isa
bella soon after she received the Great Map of Cristobal Colon (see map 1). It was Her Majesty's hope that di
Piso's chart could be released as the product of her favorite's voyage, but for obvious reasons, this was not
practicable.

THE LONG LOST WEEKEND OF
5:30 P.M., Friday, August 2, 587 A.D. A series of sudden and violent migrations change the face of Europe.
Early afternoon, Saturday, August 3, 587 A.D. Following extended turmoil and upheaval, the invading barbari
ans fragment into better-defined subunits, leading to a period of settlement and stabilization.
58 NATIONAL LAMPOON
EUROPE: AUGUST i-s, ssi A.D.
Sunday morning, August 4, 587 A.D. Sweeping northward from their Middle Eastern power base, the ancient
peoples of the desert wage ferocious holy wars, or jihads, which once again change the face of Europe,
Monday, August 5, 587 A.D. The invaders from the east fall back to secure their territories, while the tribes
that had been forced northwards do likewise. Shortly after breakfast on Tuesday, the Dark Ages begin.

-V \
'. :tt
THE GREEK SHEPHERD-

FIRST CARTOGRAPHER
OF THE HEAVENS

<>NE AFTERNOON, IN A
SMALL TOWN NEAR
ROME-,
RUM FOR /OUR

LIFE/ THE
GOTHS/
Kls fy^S ARE BUT THIN
SUTS AMP HIS /MOUTH A CRUEL
SASH, /ET THERE IS A QUIET
STRENGTH IN HIS BEARING
WHICH INTOXICATES >WE LIKE
A POWERFUL POTION."

ANPTHEM FATHER
OF WARRIOR SRUNT
RAN THE CHILDREN J THE GOPS
THROUGH ON A \ WERE PLEASED,
SKEWER THE LENGTH ] THAT DAX
OF A HUNDR£P*tE»J.
UHHf ALARIC-
ALWAYS MARCHING,
HOW CAN WE LOOT, \ WHEN WE
PILLAGE,/W£> HAVE / PEACH ROME,
TIME FOR _X WE HAVE TIME
WANTON T( 7° RELAX. CUT
DESTRUCTION?/ V OFF MAN/ EYES
HEADS' SEARCH
AMONG THE
GOTHS, BUT
IN VAIN, FOR
THERE IS MO
SIGHT OF THAT
ROME...ROME... HOW OFTEN HAVE ARROGANT
L LAIN ABED WITH W BOSOM OFFICERS
HFAVIMQ PREAMING OF &EING FACE, THAT
AV0NG ITS- SWIRLING THRONG6..;' PROUD.,.*
WAIT! HAVE you

FORGOTTEN YOU ARE
SAVA6BS? SHE MUST
HAVE A FAIR TRIAL' HE POESN'T
FVEN KHOW
^!$ I'M ALIVE!
W OH,THAT I SHOULP BE CLUTCHED FROM THE

VERY JAWS OF DEATH BY THIS NOBLE OFFICER.
HOW STRANGE AND WONDERFUL THAT
F-ROVIPENCE HAS DELIVEREC- ME INTO HIS
PROTECTING HANDS '*
COME, GOTHS..,
OUR NOBLY BORN
LEAPER ALARIC
CALLS US TO A GREAT
CfUNCJU...
THEN WE
WILL
CONSUME
HER WITH
HASTE...
...OUR.
SOUP IS,
SPILLEP/
IF SHE IS
GUILTY, THE SOPS
WILL CONSUME ,
HEP, WITH FIRE/
"SWIRLING THOUGHTS INFLAME MX

SENSES. MY CHECKS BURN WITH
CHILP,
DISGUISE YOURSELF
AMP JOIN THE
COUNCIL, OR THEX
WILL KILL
YOU WHEN THE/
RETURN
NOBLE SAVAGES.-
WE ARE READ/ AT
IAST TO SEIZE ROME FROM
THE SRASP OF THE
EFFEMINATE TYRANTS
WHO RULE A PEOPLE
GROWN IMPASSIVE ANP
CORRUPT WITH...
U6H/ HtS WORPS

ARE A1AGIC. LIKE
A GODS!
IT IS
DESPERATE
PtAM...
A BRAVE
SPFAKS SO &EAUTIFULLX ANP I SENSE THAT HIS HAU6HTX
MAMNPR IS BUT A SHIELP FOR A NATURE AS SWEET ANP
GENTLE. AS A BASE'S,"

THEY ^ >$FTER 217 PAYS Op SEISE..,
NOT FAR NOW,,. ESPECIALLX
WE WIUL LW 5£(6E WILL BE SOURFD
TO ROME BEFORE
THE HUNS AND THE BY OUR,
VICTOR//
VAN PALS REACH
HER,,, OR THE
MALCONTENTS FROH
THE NORTH'
fFLT FORMM...
ear ir's
VOU --HREE, GO INTO
CITY AMP TELL THE
COUNSELORS THAT ALARIC
IS RFAPX TO SEIZE THE
THRONE ANP SACK THE CKY, PAP/NG,
KILLING; AND PILLAGING AS
HE GOES,,, SOT ON M&
TERMS, GO NOW,
™—— • ^^—*-———•"••— i —i i,_ i i rf -• __
STRONG THIGHS SKIP THE FLANKS OF HIS "ONCE WITHJN THE CITtf J COULD REVEAL MY TRUE
HORSE IN A GREAT EMBRACE, VET ALARIC IS SMOOTH IPENTITX AMP SEEK SHELTER AMONG THE ROMftHS.,, IF
OF CHEEK, AMD HIS HANP SO SLIM IT IS LIKE. A I CHOOSE. PERHAPS SOME DIVINE HAND 19 GUIDING
FLOWER PRAPEP PELICATEi-X ON THE THICK HIL7 OF THESE eyENTS,,. A IARGE,STRONG HANP, FORCEFUL AND..,'
HIS GREAT SWORD."
WE PRING A MY LORD. THIS ONE IT'S TRUE.., IT 15

A1E33ASE FROM is A WO/MAN...AND WEITHER SOTHIC
ALARIC, KING I'LL SWEAR. SHE HOR BOLD... COME
OF GOTHS/ HAS A KOMAN HERE, MY
TYPE FACE.'
SEIZE THEM.'
CUT OFF THEIR
HEADS...FILTH/
ANIMALS, MARCHING
IN HERE LIKE YOU
OWN THE PLACE
THOUGH HIS
HANPS ARE
PLUMP AND SOFT
A WOMAN'S,
THEY HAVE
KNOWN ARPOR,
ANP THE TOUCH
THAT COMFORTS
*
PE6.TINY
HA6 tTECIPEI? I MWfrT
6ENTL£
N08LEAWN. THOUGH
HI* GLANCE £• -SHY,
I WOLJLP
HEART BEAT&
WITHIN
AMPLE

An Exhibit of Artifacts from the Panhellenic Musical Comedy Competitions,
507 B.O483 B.C.
Copyright © 2007
(By (termwionrtfihf National
Creek Lampoon
National Museum ni S/iow Inc. I
A students of ancient Greek theater are fa
miliar with the dramatic contests held be
tween rival tragedians, a furnace in which
were tempered the talents of such giants as Aes
chylus, Sophocles, and Euripides. What is not so
well known is that for several decades (507
B.C.-483 B.C.), parallel contests between the au
thors of comedy, musical comedy, and other
forms of light entertainment were held in the
agora, or meeting place, of the city of Athens. To
the chagrin of the tragedians, these contests were
far more popular than their own, and indeed
often parodied them mercilessly. It was these sa
tiric excesses which led to the demise of the musi
cal comedy contests; an obscure political
maneuver by Prince Popsycles the First-Nighter
attached an amendment to a law governing the
sale of grain requiring that henceforth, all musical
comedies were to end tragically/The contests
continued, but attendance dropped to nothing.
(The incident that is said to have finally inflamed
the wrath of the tragedians was a savage spoof of
Euripides' long-lost tragedy Pan, which was pre
sented downtown as a genuine work of the great
dramatist, but with the title Euripides' Pants.)

1. (Cover) Bowl or /(rarer (primitive of Hoofos Period. SO.} 3. (Not .shown) Engraved stone tablet, used as bill of fare
B.C.}- Ornamental with chorus line of boys and girls. For for food and drink (c. 500 B.C.). Engraving consists of (an
unestablished reasons, girls were played by boys, and vice cient) Greek lettering, indicating #yro.s, or sandwiches,
versa. One such krater was awarded annually as the prize available to the patron. Scholars differ over the content of
for the winning play, the supreme accolade of [he contest, the gyros, but the consensus seems to be that the staple in
and was known informally as a tonos. Around the middle gredient was goat meat, mixed with various vegetables and
of the bowl is depicted a scene from the winning play of herbs, such as colossal olives, jumbo olives, titanic olives,
the season, in this case Out on Olymp {505 B.C.). Other and garlic. Each gyro bears an obscure name (e.g., Henny
surviving kralers celebrate the following winners: Troy-ta- (?) Eurnenides, Manny (?) Menelaus), which appear to be
La {503 B.C.), Wings on My Head (501 B.C.), The Road to connected with the bas-relief portraits surrounding the bill
Rhodes (497 B.C.), A funny Thing Will Happen on the Way of fare itself. Scholars speculate that different gyros were
to the Forum (491 B.C.), Where's Helen? (488 B.C.), The named after celebrated actors, producers, and artists' rep
Soys from Syracuse (485 B.C.), Wings on My feet (484 B.C.), resentatives. This tablet was discovered in Sardis, to which
and Tarzan Goes to Greece (?) (483 B.C.). participants in the contests retired at the end of the festival
to await the decision of the judges. Towards the end of the
competition, a large, open-air kitchen was set up in Sardis,
and tables were arranged the length and breadth of the
city. The most coveted tables were inside the northeast
gate, where favored patrons would be "noticed" by arriv
ing celebrities.
4. (fig. 2) Hollow rock, two and a half meters in diameter,

constructed ot calcified, reconstituted t'eta. The interior is
equipped with hand grips,designed to accommodate an
actor The "rock" was a pivotal prop in the 506 B.C. produc
tion of O S/syphus.' Only once in the briet history of an
cient Greek musical comedy did one entry sweep awards
in all categories, and O S/sypnus,' was it. Records indicate
KOLO55AL... that judges were particularly impressed by the closing

number of the first act, in which Sisyphus left the stage,
HYLAfcIO*/.'
pushing the rock tortuously up the center aisle. As a
counterpoint to his grunts and groans, the actor inside the
rock taunted him with the derisive hit number of the show,
iux "Old Man Muscles." At the conclusion of the number, the

despairing Sisyphus allowed the rock to roll back onto the
r3V5KIN5//
stage, where it remained until the second act, which began
immediately.
TH* TIMON
OFATHCNS"
.3 meters
Fig.1
2. (f'£. ') Engraved marble slab, two meters by one meter.

The siab bears selected portions of reviews of the 492 B.C.
sensation,Greece.' It was discovered set into the wall of a
ruined trireme terminal in Corfu. In an age when all forms
of modern advertising were unknown, prodiu ers were
compelled to rely on the widespread distribution of such
slabs as a means of bringing the existence ot their show
and its reception by the critics to the attention of the
public. Since hundreds of slabs were required, the prac
tice arose of selecting only the key words in reviews. Re
search has shown, tor instance, that in the ( a--e ot (irccc >•' • ••-- „. -A i? **-.'.-> -.' - r -i.—-^^*--'-•**£ -
the firs! rexiew quoted originally read: "A stupendous heap
of i>oat dung. A colossal bore. If you Ihink vomiting doun J ~i . - <.- - 1 ."**• '•• ' iHK -^ ^V^'r- -' *" "
the Oclphic Oracle is a riot, vou'll find this abomination
"'^r* r. '•••'" * '- 'I -^t.^^--.-
hilarious." Fig. 2

5. through 11. (No! shown) Series of bronze plaques and
amphorae engraved with pornographic scenes, outside
and in- The plaques are uniformly stamped with what ap
pears lo be an angel, and are signed by wealthy Athenians
of the lime. The cost of mounting a production soared dur
ing the Golden Age (due lo democratic activity amongst
musicians, per formers and stagehands), and producers
were increasingly forcc'd to rely upon the largesse* of the
business community. To encourage these contributions,
producers held orgies for potential investors, at which por
tions of iheir shows were presented amidst unrestrained
revelry. These functions came to be known as Kacc.hub
audition^
12. (fig. ,'J) The world-famous Venus de Mi (f.ng. "me"), a

statue erected in 487 B.C. in celebration of the divine spirit
that, according lo the Greeks, motivated all actors and ac
tresses. Traditionally, it is said lo have stood inside the log
gia of Ihe exclusive Goats' Club in Athens, the habitual
gathering-place qf performers. Without doubt, the sculp
tor has captured the quintessence of dramatic self-expres-
sion-in a word, mimesis. The flawless Venus, arms raised in
triumph, seems to be bringing the. audience to its feet,
eclipsing everyone else on stage and riveting attention on
her and her alone.
13. (Not shown) Two sheepskin scrolls, on which is written

Act II, Scene 4 of Is Ptris Burning? (488 B.C.). The scene
contains many changes, cuts, and comments, the work of
Aeburos (591 B.C-482 B.C.), a specialist in rewriting and re
fining shows prior to their official openings. It was custom
ary for ancient Greek musical comedies to open "out of
Athens," usually in Delphi- Here, the show would be pre
sented to a one-person audience of the oracle. Depending
on the oracle's reaction, the show would either close im
mediately, proceed to Athens, or move to "somewhere on
Ihe Islands'' where it would be reworked in accordance
with the oracle's oflen cryplic review. The two great prac
titioners of this art were Aeburos and his younger contem
porary, Mikenicles, Ihe latter most famous, perhaps, for
having turned The Ancient and Horrible Myth of Medusa
into a smash-hit merely by changing the title to Hello,
Fig. 3 Gorgon.
ferti&^t^
. *_. •>• • y~I~y~Y^~^Tr >^r7^g^>' •j'--~J~\T^!^
The Parthenon as it might have looked

on the opening nighl of O Sisyphus!,
the landslide winner of all fifteen
tonoi in the year S06 B.C. (Drawing
dated 1807, by Lord Elgin Theater.)

Great Gift Books of
Fantasy Art
style, combining minute surface detail and tex
ture with images that evoke a grotesque and
startling fusion of the everyday and the bizarre.
9107. FRANK KELLY FREAS, THE ART OF SCI
A brilliant visual experience-a book lhat will
ENCE FICTION. The master ol science tiction
dazzle the eye and the rnind of anyone who
arl.di knowledge! 1 dean ol science lid ion illus-
sees it. B"," x 11 \". Softbound. Only $9.95
Iralors, and winner ol ten prestigious Hugo
awards Frank Kellv Freds otfers his lirsl collec
tion ol award-winning painting and drawings,
with i'j lull-color, full-page prints, over-40 addi
tional color plates, and numerous black and
while illustrations. For the serious art student
and collector as well as the science fiction fan,
Freas describes the evolution ot his technique,
his vie.w of science fiction illustrations, and his
personal approach to the art 121) pages, fV/' x
ir.Sollbound On(y$7.95
9101. VIEWS. Already a runaway best seller in

Europe and an underground sensation in
America, Views is the collected record jacket
paintings (for such groups as Gentle Giant, Os-
ibisa, and Yes), the fantasy book covers, illustra
tions, posters, sketches, and psychedelic
architectural designs of England's incredibly
talented young artist, Roger Dean. 160 over
sized pages, in brilliant color. 11Y' x 12" Soft-
bound Only$9.95 9103. ARIEL, THE BOOK OF FANTASY-Vol-
ume Two. The fanzine in a class by itself, beau
tifully designed and brilliantly edited, with full-
color illustrations by Frazelta, Corben, and
(ones, fiction by Moorcock, Ellison, Bradbury, 9108. WHITE WOMEN: THE PHOTOGRAPHY
and LeGuin, essays on Erodo and Frankenstein, Of HELMUT NQWTON. The cold, bnlhant eye
wonderful photos, posters, comics, and inter ot legrntUu I rench and American \'<>#uc|)ho-
views. BY' x 11V Softbound. Onty $6.95 lographer Flelmul Newton is focused,
Ihroughoul this book, on phanlasmagorical
images ol v\omen—in sell ings opulent, bizarre,
jnd mlrigumg. Designed b\ Bea Eeiller and
splendidly produced in Europe, this ouisized
volume me luHes HI tull-< olor pl.iles. notes bv
lhepholof>r,ipher. and tin inlroduclion bv Phil-
ippe Gainer, photographic c uralor ol Solhobv's
oi London l >"x IJ" Hardcover. Only$25.00
Hi-JvyMfWI Books,Oaut, NL 1/78

1,35 Madison An-., New York. N.Y. 10022
tin lii-cd Mini "h________ Si'iitl (lieck "' inonr

rinly I'dvjbliMu Heavy Metal Books
9104. ALBUM COVER ALBUM. The most imag
9102. MYTHOPOEIKON by Patrick Wood- inative, outrageous ail of our tirnr is on album
roffe. Mythopoeikon presents the paintings, covers, and here, full size, full color, are 700 of
etchings, book jacket, and record sleeve illus the greatest: Warhol for the Stones, Crumb for
trations by one of the world's most popular lanis. Peter Max for Meade Lux Eewis. Art that
fantasy/science fiction artists, with notes and catches and that matches the excitement of the
commentary by the author. Mythopoeikon greatest in jazz and rock. Edited by Roger Dean.
shows how Woodroffe has evolved a unique 12" x 12" Softbound. Only $10.95

photographed by Chris callis

by John Heinegg
Lord Alfred Cheshingham-WorcesteYshire

He gave us the story of food
s every schoolchild knows, professors and avert disaster. curry, shish kebab, and fried eggplant
it was through the efforts After leaving Oxford, Alfred (though the roast goat was a little
Lof Sir Alfred Cheshing- moved to London, where he exercised overcooked, and that fourth bottle of
.ham-Worcestershire, the his philanthropic bent with character wine a touch secco)—and was clearing
great English archaeologist, philan istic selflessness. R>r instance, he es his palate for the second course when
thropist, and gourmet, that the story tablished a home for orphan boys he discovered a curiously marked
of the origin and spread of food.was soon after his arrival. At great per stone in his soup. At first he was
wrested from the forbidding sands of sonal expense, he renovated a run furious; yet his wrath turned to won
the Persian desert, But the story of Sir down building in a disreputable part der as the maitre d' explained that it
Alfred himself has been widely ne of London, and filled it with young was actually an amulet, of great antiq
glected—indeed, almost suppressed. lads who had no other place to call uity, and that, according to legend, the
This is truly puzzling, for Sir Alfred's home. Mindful of his own fatherless markings graven upon it were mys
tale is a stirring one, full of courage, childhood (the elder Cheshingham- tical references to food. Such amulets,
dedication, and high adventure. Worcestershire had died in 1833, leav the maitre d' noted, were scattered in
Born in 1832, young Alfred was a ing young Alfred a fabulous inher abundance throughout his native val
clever sort, and easily won acceptance itance), he persuaded many local ley, in Persia.
into Eton and then Oxford. Here we gentlemen to become "big brothers" This account captured Cheshing-
find early instances of Alfred's to the boys. Through Sir Alfred's ef ham-Worcestershire's imagination,
vaunted generosity—for in each case, forts, scores of affection-starved or and he set about learning everything
he made substantial contributions to phans enjoyed the edifying society he could about the strange tablets.
the institution before he was and manly caresses of several gentle The markings, he found, were cunei
accepted! men a day! form; the "rock" was actually baked
Once in school, the young lord Such was the high moral character clay. But his queries about the "food
began a series of senseless tangles of these "elder brothers" that they myth" met only with dark mutterings
with small-minded authority that gladly contributed to the upkeep of of a "secret recipe."
were to plague him all his life. His the establishment, lest Alfred be Here again fate stepped in, with
penchant for three-hour meals ran obliged to advertise its existence and tragic consequences for Alfred, but
afoul of petty regulations about at expose their acts of charity to the great ones for mankind—such is the
tending classes and taking exams. public eye. It was a constant source of genial sadism of Clio, muse of history.
"The perpetual haste and ill-breeding embarrassment to Alfred that these Alfred, not content to provide shelter
here is appalling," he fumed in a letter donations always far exceeded the for his orphan boys, saw to their edu
to his mother. "I've barely time to cost of running the Home; this is cation as well, giving private tutelage
gulp down my morning muffins, eggs, doubtless why he operated it under to several and often organizing group
kippers, toast with butter and marma an assumed name. outings and entertainments for them.
lade, bacon, sausage, pudding, sweet The inadvertent nature of chance is He was conducting one of his beloved
pastries, fruit, tea, and brandy, when truly remarkable. Cheshingham-Wor Physical Culture seminars one eve
they're hounding me to go to some cestershire might well have spent the ning at his home when he was inter
foolish lecture. How is my digestion rest of his days pursuing such small rupted by the police. Incredibly, they
to survive?" Several times Alfred was but satisfying ends had not fate, in the were skeptical of Alfred's explanation
threatened with expulsion. But some form of a rock, intervened. One eve that he and the boys were reenacting a
how, the cheerful, cherubic lad, with ning, he was eating a simple dinner at nude wrestling event in the ancient
his restless hands and eagerness to a Middle Eastern restaurant—he had Greek Olympics. In consequence, the
please, always managed to appease his enjoyed the melons, souvlaki, mutton entire troupe was hauled off for a
continued on page 81
NATIONAL LAMPOON 71
: ^^W^
If you'd like to size up some ot our sizes, we II send

you one pack JOB one* point • two* five, two packs
JOB one • point • five and one pack JOB double
wide papers, all tor only a dollar (to cover cost,
The world's finest postage and handling).
Send to:
cigarette papers. PAPERS. Adams Apple DistCo, Dept NL1
5100 N Ravenswood. Chicago, IL60640
Best Quality, even burning,
and now in ail sizes. MS/MR/MRS
Get rid ot the blues with Aliotta/Haynes/
JeramlarTs new album ' Slippin Away featur
ing My Job gels rid ol the blues. Address
PAPERS BROUGHT TO YOU FROM FRANCE BY DISTRIBUTING'COMPAWY

CHICAGO 60G40 Zip I AM OVER 21 YEARS OF AGE

HEKAHCK / M WHAT'S WAT?
NOTHING. ITHfNK
MISHTK^VE
biEMEMBER HOW SOMETIMES
YOU TENDED TO HOLD BACK
ON BREAKING NEWS TO MDUR
PARENTS BECAUSE NOW AND
THEN THEY TENDED TO OVER
REACT ID fT AMD MAKE YOU WISH
YOU'D KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT?
SN/UF.I DON'T LIKE THE WAY DID YOU DRINK f>DUe>ADA

YOUR EYES LOOK/ 15 ALLTHE PINK V <5Ue>ADA
yoUR R3REHEAD WET? 5TUFF?HAV&
YOU USED THE
6AR6LE?HOW
YOUR
STOOLS
YOU SURE THOSE MOSEDROPS KACHKAH

WENT DOWN 9 DON'T WIMBLE KACHKA
AND MAKE THECHEST PACK t
COME LOOSE, GOTO SLEEP/ 1 KNOW SHE
MEANS WELL
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 7)

rMti EARTHLY REMAINS
VlR6cre€tTSEU6R /
x
74 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Vj 5>N/J5
5THU- NO

JEALOUS*
AT ODD
UP
&LAXEJ? WITH SUSAN
&er I OUTBACK
A/VP DON'T MAkZ A WITH H/S W/FE ANP
-/f you BACK TO M OFFICE.

we ail^knowthat
throughout history, the
French have given the
world so much to laugh
about Rabelais. Voltaire.
The Maginot Line. Viet
nam. The Citroen.
Catherine Deneuve. But
did you know about
French comics?
The editors of the
National Lampoon, some
of whom know people
who actually speak
French, sort of, have ran-
sacked hundreds of
French books and maga
zines to select this an
thology of French com
ics, and translated them
into what passes for
English around here.
Our standards were
high. We were looking for
satire, sex, wit, sex,
whimsy sex, and some
gratuitous violence to
present to you, our loyal
readers, French comics
(The Kind Men Like), if you
like French jeans, French
letters, French fries,
you'll like Frencft Comics.
Order your copy today,
and keep NATO strong.
National Lampoon Dept FC 1/e
635 Madison Avenue New York. N.Y. 10022
i enclose a rotat of $. .__. _ Eacn copy is $5.00 ($2.50 eacn plus soc for postage and handling). Please send to:
Name __.___ _ _______
(please print)
Address
: atv_ .state. -Zip-

. _ 4! OtltMORE SETA WWAT 19 IT WITH
W6 $mu HAS/6 | YOUR CO/APUU610N
f IPT68N AMNUT66
VOU CM HAVS
THE eer: C'
ARE YOU #««« VOU WAMT IT, 6KBXL WOHRY. (P I

TO SO THERE TOWKSHT? START QETTIN6 ,,., , PO IT, 6H£'LL WORRX
1HVOWSP WITH A SlBL , I GO WWAT'6 TUS 9IFF6RENCE ?
OUT AMP GET LAIPJ
IT'S THE $UBTLETY OP

YOUR 6WALL.OWMe65 THAT
. to\/eM6?l ME YOUR PRIGNP.
Hgv, 0ns MAN;

LOWS TIME NO6EE'-
WMAT'LL IT BE?

I KNOW I W "A FEW CASES I POKJ'T KNOW/
PON'T HAVE W OF « JIMMY I'LL HAVE
MUCH TO T AMP TH& TO THINK ABOUT
,' A WHICH HAS IT,..
SMALL CAMP- IN THE FAMILY I MEAN/
SITE, NOT I
REALLY *f& x-s/otv you..
ENOUGH TO
RAISE MUCH
ON — WHAT
po you $Ay
we...
, THE LAST TIME I KNOW, VOU P

NECKE-17 WITH A FELLOW, MAKE SOME- THAT &OT TH£M
ONE OF THE ff£AKS «SOT A (300C7
ANp- ATE THE
&LOC-K RIGHT
OUT OF HIS
A9K HER ABOUT IT SOMETIME.
KNOW, WOMEN/ AEE KfALLY BECOMING ^ / yEAH, yOU KNOW// 1 REMEMBER

FREER, MORE AT EASE WITH THEMSELVES-// IMPORTANT. : THEY C-OT ^ WHEN THERE
WAS ONLY
**?*,
&B7 MOV/M&, YOU OH ,:

POO&HtT CITIZ.&N GAVE HIM
HAIK9ALL..' A PIECE OF ^r£>04.4
BOOLA BAKK, ANC?
HE -47^ IT. NOW
WON'T COME PC>WN. FALL
HERE KtGHT WOW*
5\K.; AMP THAT'S
AN
fl
«w
~&
*i
^?T1>
"\*
^^*a

MILESTONES Who-Forgets:/ 'Truly this gift is fit to ALWAYS SATISFY HER!
continued from page /I
grace the palace of the god-king./ ' Rebel Rouserm a soft nippled latex ring designed to
night in jail. Sir Alfred's future lay in Henceforth will this new thing be stimulate her to greater heights of sexual excite
ment. Rebel Rouser fits snugly over the male organ
ruins. His Home was closed; his noble called food/ and it will be as a symbol and assists in
ideals exposed to spiteful, lewd suspi of my royalty.'/ And Sardo) in grat
cion. Mean-spirited men, with minds itude showered the One-Who-For
infected by bestial cravings, de gets with fine things/ and in gratitude
manded that he be brought co trial for brought him to the Great Ziggurat/
crimes too loathsome to name here. and made of him a most holy sacri
CheshinghanvWorcestershire refused fice/and the people bowed down in Rousers $3. 6 Rebel Rousers:
to honor the court with his presence; awe before the various parts/ of the six French Ticklers: $10. Satisfaction guaranteed or
full refund. Send to: Adam & Eve, Dept. DNLX-S
instead, with a dozen of his favorite One-Who-R>rgcts." 403 Jones Ferry Road, P.O. Box 400
boys and his six French chefs, he set It fit together perfectly, even to the Carrboro, NC 27510 .I..-*.
sail for Persia, and the mysterious origin of the One-Who-Forgets. For
Valley of the Tablets. the Chaka Khans are a people of west
After an arduous six-month voy ern Afghanistan, renowned, then as
age, the expedition arrived in the Val now, for the strength of their hashish
ley. So eager was be to start the and the weakness of their memories.
No experience required. Each month we ship I
diggings that he didn't bother to set To this day, they insist that they once you NATIONAL LP's to rate. "You keep LP's."'
upciimp, settling instead at a hotel in discovered something very important, We pay postage In return tor your opinion, you I
can build your LP collection. A small member-'
a nearby oasis. but they don't remember what it was. ship tee is required. "First come Oasis." Send I
Each workday began with the fifty- The interpretation of other tablets no money. For application write: "
EARS Dcpl. NL Box 10245 I
yard walk from the hotel to the site. was now clear. The one that read, 5521 W, Center St.
Milwaukee. Wl 53210 •
|
Fearful for the health of his boys, "Then the god-king Sardol II laid
Cheshinghanv Worcestershire hired a siege to the city of Urgreb, and the
team of Persian laborers to do the ac people of Urgreb ate their dogs, then
tual excavation, leaving the English their children, then the dirt of the
COMING
group free to concentrate on the theo earth"—this, Alfred realized, told of
retical and interpretive aspects of the the comical errors people made when
task. The English were on the best of first exposed to the concept of food.
terms with their dusky helpers; often, Sarclol II obviously introduced the
for diversion, they would descend Urgrebians to eating, but failed to ex
into the pits and labor cheek by jowl
with the Persians.
Months stretched to years, and a
plain what was and wasn't edible,
with the droll results described. But
despite such accidents, food had con
EARLY NEXT YEAR
tantalizing web of talcs emerged from tinued to spread; first through the
the ancient tablets. Yet something was ruling class, then gradually and com
missing. Who was the "Onc-Who- pletely to the lower classes as well.
Fbrgcts" so often referred to? Why Cheshingham-Worcestershire's dis
was he so important? Finally, on April coveries were truly momentous. By
22, 1858, the missing element fell into comparison, the celebrated labors of
place. The weather had been too in Schliemann were but the scratchings
MY
clement to think that day, so Alfred of an infant in a sandbox. Yet such arc
and his team had spent it in their the ways of fickle Clio that Sir Alfred
rooms, reenacting the Children's Cru never tasted of the cup of triumph.
NEWS WER
sade. Tired but uplifted, they were Anxious to report his findings to the
settling down to an evening snack. Royal Society, he booked passage
Sir Alfred and the lads had playful home on the Turkish freighter Icevit
ly removed their clothes and were Erdinc, where he was given a berth
PAR IDY
frolicking in a vat of lamb stew alongside a consignment of fertilizer.
when in rushed a boy with the crucial As day followed day on the long voy
tablet. Quickly licking his helpmeets age home, Lord Alfred grew tired of
off, Cheshingham-Worcestershire the company of odiferous Turkish
snatched it up and began translating. mariners, 'til, in a fit of melancholia,
Soon the story of the discovery of he hurled himself into the stormy
food rang out cross the hushed room: waves, whose finned denizens ap
"Lo, there came the One-Who-For- peared comely as Greek gods in com
FromDacron,Ohio
gets from the land of the Chaka parison with the sulking Mussulmen With All the ____
Khans/ and he was arrested for laugh of the crew. History last records Sir
ing to no purpose in the public Alfred in an entry in the captain's log
High School Yearbook ~
street/ and was brought before Sar- on the benighted Icevir. Characters,
dol, the god-king./ Then the One- "We threw over a life preserver, but
Who-Rargets presented the god-king/ he rejected it. He was last seen Comics, Crime,Corruption,
with a strange and wonderful new
thing./ The god-king was well pleased
whooping and hollering like a der
vish as he tried to mount a mature
and a Bunch of____
with this gift/ and said unto the One- nurse shark... from behind." I I Other Stuff
Raise Hell with
Mother Jones!
When Mary Harris "Mother" Jones was
99 years old, she was introduced to a
college audience as "a great humanitarian,"
"No!" Mother Jones roared. *Tm a hell raiser!"
Today MOTHER JONES magazine is raising her kind of OR CALL OUR TOLL FREE NUMBER:
hell. MOTHER JONES, a magazine of tough-minded ques
tions, not simplistic answers. An understanding magazine
that shares your disaffection with modern American culture
800 227-1464
(California residents call: 800: 722-39091
—and your distrust of many of the people in power.
Just look at the hell we're raising: M OT II I-! R
5fC In "A Case Of Corporate Malpractice" MOTHER
JONES exposed the huge pharmaceutical company that JONE MOTH E R
made sixteen million dollars from a birth control device
—even while they knew that women were suffering and JO
dying from its effects.
5ft "Bust Your Boss" told the whole story of Mobil's illegal I,KAR\"S
.SHACE (X.J1.0NIES
shipments of oil to Rhodesia during the embargo, FEMINISTS ON
including a daring ploy by a group of activists, an MCri'HERHOOD
insider's leak and a secret rendezvous at Penn Station THENKXT
to get the information out. SIX WARS
5|C "What You Don't Know May Hurt You" revealed the
disasters at a U.S.-built nuclear power plant in India MOTHER __ .__
that nobody would talk about —including General ~W^""V^L T WJ^lH-aulfcllAlinpEil • TIclBt-Milliin-IMIii'ln"
Electric, Bechtel, our government, India's. •• m\ ^k.1 •-• ' i,knT,,frr AtMincnoolkni • FtmiiisThcl.. M,'.
MOTH E R
^|V/I^lilA «»————^WWBT^TW™———mn
, f.,
And an Associated Press release just revealed that
MOTHER JONES is one of the 37 magazines used to pre
JONES
Ni-i. L.fi [.i
pare the daily White House news summary for the President.
I \» Wv«kl.
So now we know that Jimmy is watching our hell-raising too.

But like our namesake, MOTHER JONES also has a lighter
side, the prankster's touch and a ready ear for the warmer
moments in life.
%. "Peking! Peking!" is Li-li Ch'en's moving account of a
girl coming of age in China during the revolution: her
first famine, first love, first missionary school. (Winner
of a 1977 National Magazine Award.)
5|C "The Censored Doonesburys"- MOTHER JONES NL17R
printed Carry Trudeau's most notorious comic strips—

the ones you probably missed because they didn't appear
in most newspapers.
3fc And readers have had a chance to follow the hijacker
FREE ISSUE
D Sure, send me a FREE copy of MOTHER JONES.
that got away, meet Studs Terkel in an excerpt from his If I like it I'll pay you $8.88 (a 30 % saving) for a full
new oral autobiography, read about the history they year, 9 more issues. If I decide not to subscribe for any
never taught us in school, look at China's musical hit reason, I'll just mark "cancel" on the bill and that's it
parade, learn how to start an FM radio station. no further obligation.
Think you'd like to see what kind of hell MOTHER JONES Name_
is raising now ? Send for your free issue. If you like it, you
can get a full year (9 more issues) at the Special Introductory Address-
Rate of $8.88 - a regular subscription is $ 12.50. But if for Ciry___
any reason, you decide not to subscribe, just mark
"cancel" on the bill. And keep your free issue —it's our State- Zip
way of thanking you for spending some time with MOTHER JONES: I255 Portland Place. Boulder. Colorado 80302
MOTHER JONES.

Leatntnf input ModuW 00345
THE CRETINS:
IDIOT SAVANTS OF THE
ANCIENT WORLD
A Dr. Charles F. Car roll Audiovisual Learning Input Module
1. THE OLYMPIC STADIA NEAR PHAESTOS (2400-1750 B.C.)

Olympic contests were held every two to seven years. Pursuant to this end, a large segment of the population
gathered near Mt. Jukta, 18 km. to the southeast of Phaestos, for the purpose of erecting a stadium. Over
75,000 solid granite blocks were cut, each 2 m. by 1 m. by 1.5 m. in dimension, weighing approximately 850
kgs., and set out into an oval-shaped arena, consisting of three distinct tiers, each having a maximum capacity
of 55,000 persons. As the Games became more formalized in Cretin tradition, various procedures and rituals
were established, the most noteworthy being that of the Olympic Torch, introduced in 1828 B.C. (cf., Demaree,
The Cretin Torch, pp. 826-27). The torch was fashioned at the site of the Games at Phaestos, and affixed to a
permanent foundation there. To symbolize official commencement of events, 150,000 runners specially chosen
for the occasion shouldered the assembled stadium and carried it ceremoniously to the Olympic Torch at its
location in Phaestos.
Outing this era, three competitions were primary, the Discus, the Javelin, and the Decathlon, tn the case of
the first, a 'clay (later ceramic) disc, diameter 30 cm., weighing exactly 5 kgs., was laid out, whereafter the
athlete would attempt to leap over it. The Javelin event was similar, excepting that the jump was over a spear
rather than a disc. For the Decathlon title, considered to be the highest Olympic honor, contestants were re
quired to hurdle ten spears and discs stacked one upon another. At the completion of each Olympics, the sta
dium was destroyed to make room for succeeding Games. (See Poulos, Trie Cretin Approach to Stadia, p. 401.)

Leamingtnput Module 00345
2. THE CEREMONIAL URN OF AGHIA TRIADA (1835 B.C.)

This particular vessel is of the genera) class designated for official and religious functions, and as such, was
cralted with precise attention to detail. Of exceptional import to our discussion at present is the female courtier
represented on the face of the urn, in that an archetype of Middle Period dress (and the attendant social mani
festations inherent therein) is rendered in clear detail (cf.. Brown. The Cretin Clothes, pp. 188-89). Bold use of
color and graphic design dominate the form, and, in concert with a unique cut of (he neckline below (he breasts,
tends to create an aura of surprising sophistication. On the urn's reverse, we find a rear view of the same cos
tume. Here the scheme essentially persists, save for the appearance of two convex additions to the fabric in the
vicinity of the shoulder blades. Close inspection reveals the protrusions are not shaped to accommodate any
known contour within that portion of the anatomy. (See Conterno, The Cretin Clothes Direction, pp. 55-61.)
Several additional embellishments, including belt buckle, buttons, pocket, and collar, are also situated on this
particular side of the costume.

•aojnos am 10 aaioip am A"q A"j|oqM uijoj jjaij) SuiAuap Ijaqjo gaca jo luapuadapu) 'umnuituoa lejnpmjs 3uipi|s
e uo ajaM sa3en3uBj ua>|ods aqi PUB (enueuj aqj. 'Jaijjw am o} ejqejiEAe spunos jo uoiiBUiqiuoD AUE jo aAissajd
•X3 sq pinos s3ut||ads 914} jo Aue 'A|}usnb9suoo jaiîa 'auJEu siu, 0} UMOJ U9>(ods pjepuejs ou japun p9)E9i|qo
SCM JSJIJM aq} 9iou 01 Ajessa^su si ji 'aAoqe sqj o) aAi}B|3Jjoo -ajnjsod |en)d93uo3 sjqeaSeueuJ OJOLU e sauinsse
UOIÊISUBJ; uai\\ 'gsoqD at) Jepejeqa Xue XnenjjjA aieouqej o; uoi)do siq pasiwaxa ja)UM aj^t 'uoi(duosui qoea JB
}cgj pueisjapun noX j| '..g::,, aiueu siq suSis pue '3 o; y'A'S'd °J saqstM v '©-UJSpzx^ :snm aiueu s,v 3ui||ads
'V o} uoijejiAui ue SJIIUSUBJ) X|tuanbasqns 3 "UJggijJooo sd)UM pue '3 0} siueu s,v a^DiunuiujOD 0) saqsiM g
'J9)e-| -difuSj sajiJM v '9 <n atueu siq ajeotuniuujoa o^ saijsiM v :uoi^n)is |e?))aqiodAq 9ut«o||0j 94} aujuiex^
1»qBq(f|e mau am atuo3aq Anenjae pue apasjadns uam pjnoM uoisinaj qans— $aqeqd|e juaaaj
isoui aqj ui a5oq» UJQJ^ sjapejeqa jo SUDISJ?A uiajajjip Apjiiua 3uiinjiisqns jo uoijdo aq) peg jagdejSnjB? am
XqajeqM '9,/npnjjs jgpejpijo Suipijs paiujai SAP 4 3M idaDJoa UIJ9JQ 9Aipui)Sip 94) SBM 3uo| os JQJ Aueiu os dn
Sunn jeqj ijDOjq 3u||quinis a^ 'MON -JEO pies peq 34 paijsijes SBM 34 Hiun SfoquiAs jo saiJas e jno ajojM aq 'jeo
PJOM am ajesiuniuuiOD oj paqsiM UDSJQ e ji 'sni^j. 'LuopueJ }e sjapejeip Jtaq) pap9|as A|9Jauj suiieJO 'ajaifM
-9Sja aDjpejd am SCM SB 'SPJOM 3ijpads ojuj SJ9»9| asaqi aSuBjjB uem -taqt^ 'J9A9«oH 'sajrnino 3uuoqq9iau
jo sjduos SUIAJBA aq) uiojj J9}DEJEL|D B jo ;JB<| e jo 'SJ3PBJB43 9JOLU jo OM) jo uoijeuiqotOD jo 'japejeip e SUIUJGJ
'(K'EEZ 'dd 'Su/iu/vi ô A*e^ u/JsÔ at/l 'ajmgow '-p) v JESUIT jo UOIJEISUEJ} am jo uoijeaii
-qnd iBjjmi aq) sêiu jjodaj 514^ -uoipnJjsuoD s}i oj sAgif xa)duiOD )aA 'leiuaiuepunj 10 sauas e paJ3Aojsip
a B AVeau JQJ eiuStua oi;sm3uii e pauieuiaj ,;v Je«un,, PaU!l tyeindod 'iaqeqd|e uiiai^ am
('O'a OSET-009I) VAH1I31I3 QNV SISSONH JO STIOH^S ,,V.. dtf3Nn 3HJ. '£
e psAjasqo | 9jai]M 'ueaoo 94) oj uaaq SAB4 )„ :3uiaq sajdiuBxa OMJ 'S/BM |BJ9A9S ui peaj aq ABLU aSessed sgtjj.
Sb—
SPCOO wwvi ndur 8onut»i
Learning Input Module 00345
4, THE CRETAN BULL-LEAPING SPORT. AS DEPICTED AT THE PALACE OF KNOSSOS (1680 B.C.)
This greatly stylized entertainment was peculiarto Middleand Late Period Crete. A* the diagram indicates, a num
ber of ornately regaled female acrobats engaged in a maneuver over the head and horns of a moving bull; no
mean feat, requiring the utmost in skill and concentration. The movement may be described in seven segments:
1. Positioning: At a downward motion of the head, performer locks her hands and wrists around the horns. 2.
Leverage: At a subsequent upward motion, performer catapults in an arc to the rear. 3. Contact: Performer, in a
nearly upright position, touches the bull just above the hindquarters. 4. Secondary motion: Performer continues
on a slightly altered course downward. 5. Landing: Performer's movement is terminated in lateral position be
neath the bull. 6. Secondary contact: Base of performer's cranium is crushed by motion of hooves, severing
spinal nerve. 7. Final contact: Performer's diaphragm and internal organs are gored and torn apart by motion of
the horns (cf.. Friedman, The Cretin Style, pp. 99-101).
A STATEMENT OF CONCLUSION
Supra, we have unmasked the total Cretin. His basic patterns and appetites in such jurisdictions as art,
entertainment, fashion, letters, architecture, and behavioral expression are exhibited plainly, and in that re
spect, clearly apprehend for us the essence of his desistance. Reasonable men have differed for nearly a century
on this issue; some attributing the downfall of the civilization to military invasion; others citing earthquake and
disease— yet all were privy to a common body of information. However, all of the conjecture, all of the hypothe
sis. all of the extrapolation is, as of this moment, utterly moot, because the new evidence is in. And the new
evidence says Mr. and Mrs. Cretin didn't know shit They died because they were too stupid and ignorant to live.
It's as simple as that. Case closed.
Respectfully,
Dr. Charles FCarrolf

3
ffitxr
FROM
What great Christmas gifts for anyone who loves science fiction,
fantasy, or fantastic art. You can have one, two, or all three of these
books sent directly from the offices of Heavy Metal with a Christmas
gift card with your name on it. Merely fill out ttie coupon below with
your name, address, and your check or money order; then add to it
your gift list with the names and addresses of the recipients and the
exact titles of the books you want sent printed or typed next to
their names. We will send the books to them gift wrapped and with
a very special Heavy Metal Christmas gift card. A great gift!
PSYCHOROCK: Five stories by Sergio Macedo that have made

him a cult, figure wherever people have seen the sky rip open and
intergalactic bikers battle android overlords for the favors of god
dess-groupies to the sound of punk rock. Sixty-four pages in black
and white with a bizarre four-color cover, Large size 11" by 9".
$3.95. HM4010
ARZACH: All four of the brilliant, full-color adventures of Moebius's

pterodactyl-riding hero, acclaimed as works of genius when they
appeared in the first issues of Heavy Metal magazine. Plus the
amazing, animated story of the man who cracked the Cosmic Egg.
Sixty-four pages including thirty-two of perhaps the most astound
ing color you will ever see on paper. $6,95, HM4011
CANDICE AT SEA: A new comic heroine, in the great tradition of

Barbarella, Phoebe Zeitgeist, and Modesty Blaise, Candies, who
can't seem to find a thing to wear, is shanghaied, plundered, keel
hauled, and otherwise entertained for sixty-four pages of nautical
insanity. Sixty-four pages plus cover in perhaps the sexiest black
and white ever drawn. Heavy chrome coat cover, 9" by 11". $3.95.
HM4012
HEAVY METAL BOOKS, Dent. NL 178

6CH) Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022
Please send me Hie book bargain:; circled below.

Please aclcf 60c per tille for postage and shipping charges.
Enclosed find S ....... ... Send check or money order only.
Payable to HEAVY METAL BOOKS.
Sales Tax; For delivery in N.Y.C., add 8%. Eor delivery elsewhere in
New York State, add 6%.
D HM4010
Name ...
(Please print)
Address
City....... Slate. .Zip.

If you do not wish to cut the coupon in (his ad, but do wish to order, ploase pi tutor
type all (he necessary information and enclose it with a check or money order.

A FREE PLAYGIRL ISSUE!
YOURS FOR RETURN OF THE
"NO-OBLIGATION" COUPON BELOW...
If you don't think Playgirl is your kind
of magazine, that's prob
ably because you don't
know the new Playgirl
is more than just striking
male photography.
Actually, it's a lot more than
| that. And we'd give you a free
copy to prove it.
Playgirl has interviews with Ce
lebrities-Robert Redford, Mark
Lane, Billie Carter, and Henry
Winkler among others- It's fash-
ion, beauty, food and wines. It's practical advice on
travel, exercise, and life-style... In short, it's all the
things that contemporary women
want to know
about... need to
know about,
each and
every month. That's why
it's the fastest growing wom
en's magazine ever.
Read a free copy at home and
decide for yourself if you like
Playgirl... Without risk or obligation.
„ We're so sure you'll like the new Playgirl, we'll

send you a free copy for your inspection as part of
our 12-month trial subscription offer. Here's what to do:
Fill in and mail the coupon. We'll send your wrapped
introductory copy. Read it, enjoy it in your own home at
your own pace. If you like the issue, pay just $12 for the
first 12 issues (that's a full $9.00 off the newsstand
price!).
If you should
decide that you FREE OFFER!
don't like Playgirl, Great! Send me your latest issue, wrapped and
delivered to my mailbox. I understand that unless
KEEP YOUR FIRST ISSUE AS OUR GIFT. Just I cancel, I am entitled to 11 further issues to
write "cancel" on our billing when you receive it complete my full year of Playgirl at just $12—a
to end the matter entirely. You can't lose! $9.00 savings off the newsstand rate... and that
the free copy you're sending is mine to keep even
if I cancel on your first billing.
Name.
PLAYGIRL Playgirl Magazine

Box 45189, San Diego, California 92145
Address
City___
Signature
. State.
MAIL TO: Playgirl Magazine

.Zip.
Box 45189, San Diego, CA 92145

• According to a recent, rul were "so stunned they just soring testimonial dinners Mafia family.
ing by the I.R.S., edible stood there dead in their honoring captains of in Babe Nash, director of the
cheese sold as fish bait is sub tracks." New York Daily Mews dustry, and the Brandeis school's New York Devel
ject to excise tax as an "arti (Craig V Geof'frioiO "Man of ihe Year" award has opment Office, defends the
ficial lure." Wall St. Journal. • A copywriter for an aerial traditionally gone to some award by saying: "We're
banner advertising firm in open-handed bank president going on his charitable rec
• 'Hie US. Labor IViy can
Miami, Fla., proposed the fol or generous business mag ord," Walt Street Journal
didate for mayor of East Or nate. But Ihis year's testi
ange, N..L Charles Mack, was lowing sell copy lo the owner • According to Ur. Ivor
of a local carpet store: "Don't monial al New York's Plaza Mills, a professor at En
campaigning on a local Hotel was a little different.
street corner when he shook bea( your wife, beat your gland's Cambridge Univer
rug!' The carpet store owner Antonio Magliocci. founder
the hand of an unidentified sity, the stress of modern life
began to laugh so hard thai and head of IVerless Impor
man. Fifteen minutes later is making Knglish career
he swallowed his cigarette ters, is ihe first Brandeis women hairier. Dr. Mills
the man returned with a po "Man of the Year" who also
lice officer and had Mack ar and had lo be taken lo ihe claims that increased stress
hospital. Tl>i' Miami Herald has ihe distinction of appear
rested for stealing a diamond on women's brains causes ex
(BriggsGoddard) ing on the Justice Depart
ring off his finger during the cessive production of male
ment's 1%-i and 1970 lists of hormones, resulting in hairy
handshake. A spokesman for • Like many institutions llial organized crime figures, and
the US. Labor ['arty claimed chests and stomachs and
depend on financial contribu is identified in the New York
political harassment was be deeper voices, 'limmto Star
tions, Brandeis University Iblice Department files as a
hind the incident. Bridge • Police found Joseph M/i-
often raises money by spon member of ihe Cohimbo
port, Connecticut J'ost honey, forty-three, stuck in
(William Alexios) mud up lo his chin beneath
• A Times Square street ma
LtVBS OF THE &RBAT the bridge over the Fort
THIS MONTH: H>int Channel in South Bos
gician captured two would-
be muggers by changing a
AL0ER.T 1879-1955 ton. Mahoney had appar
silk handkerchief into a
WHILE ALBERT EltjSTEtN WAfi SESIfMA ffj PRINCE-TOM THE
&LPBRLV SCIENTIST VJOUI.f OPTEN
ently tried lo commit suicide
three-fool-long magic wand. ONCE. STOPPING A P£PE*>IISIAtJ CW T by jumping off the bridge,
The muggers had attempted but had jumped at low tide
to steal magician Tony Eeh- AS ft VOIJTH £MsT£itj ifiAf and landed in the mud. He
so wee-r AT A^.APS.M,C&
evarria's bag of magic tricks -Tt'AT 'II fi was taken lo the hospital and
while he was performing al treated for exposure. VPJ
Forty-fifth Street and Broad • Sam Capeloulo was hired
way in New York. Tony as a policeman in the subur
grabbed the bag back from ban town of Redmond, Wash
them and the muggers began ington, near Seattle. During
lo run away, so Tony chased his first day on the job, he
them until they were cor was being shown how to
nered in a vacant lot. The MAHAfyf.P TO WALK check an individual's crimi
trapped muggers then pixcf.ri-v IHTO AU OPIT.U
MAMUQt-E. A fllOTOf! -
nal record by using ihe po
picked up some lengths of HAPH£tt WHO CAtTURKP lice departments computer
scrap wood and began to ad terminal. The officer who
vance on Echevarria, but he was instructing Capeloulo
waved a red handkerchief at. fed Capelouto's own name
them and said, "This will hurt into the computer by way of
ya real bad if you don't leave an example. The computer
me alone." He then turned responded that there was a
the handkerchief i n to a bench warrant out lor Cape
magic wand, waved tlie louto's arrest on charges of
wand at the muggers, and £lfJ5T£=/*J MAXKIEV malicious mischief and van
said, "Okay, now let's fight." HIS OMCE PIVOKCEP
dalism to an automobile.
Police office Michael Ma-
COU6
Itl A STATEMENT ABOUI Capeloutos instructor (hen
honey, who arrived on the HIS P£et> LOVE. fOK HEP IVH£M QUEST /One? Ofj read Sam his rights and pro
scene just as Echevarria was
ME&/ITIVE ASPECTS Of HUc
CifJSTZIfJ SAlP files &HSTEM IS
. .,- , i_/e
ceeded to arrest him. Seattle
brandishing the wand, said
AftJ f:>!t.£L/-Efiir COOK IP SHE
WdKEtJ-J I WOUt-P PtVOKfE 'l£f -
PO'.VF-K ,<$ MO MOfE utlMfnuKAL. T/IAAi
Joiirnal-A Merican (Thomas
that the mugging suspects A. Athanases}

Various t'xrerb/s from KH- woman would destroy all his
plans. Meanwhile, the Secur
ity service workers gradu
Bullshit
ally uncover the truth about
the "tourist"Sam,who.in fad. Here are the endings to some "...Mr. Grilzsche said lhat lie
is the enemy of the people
things which you 'd only read believed the absurdity of war
Sami Ameni, a former collab
or fit through to find out Hie in Slaughterhouse I'"ive was
From New Albania. No. ?, orator ol the fascist invaders endings. even more of what he called
1977 of Albania. Trie con 'a seminal experience.' The
Cint'iiiiitogTaphy: Broken Ironialion which is orga
BOOKS Piper editor said. 'Reading it.
Thrends you sutler with the human
nized with the professor ol
This is one of the films lhat Trite Confessions by John race. As for Slapstick, despite
philosophy, and the veri-
has aroused great interest Gregory Dunne: The real all mockeries, it is a serious
licalion through archives,
among the audiences. Ms murderer gels killed iu an book. Like Buster Kcaton.
fully prove (lie identity of
subject matter is the revolu accident. Officer Tom Spel there is a human quality
this inveterate agent, despite
tionary vigilance of l he lacy knows this, but pins it about it that makes \ou cry.'"
the plastic snrgerv he had
people against (he enemies on criminally inclined Jack -Klaus Piper of R. Piper
undergone and Ihe ;iid of his
of the dictatorship of the Armstrong anyway. Arm Vcrltig. Munich, re the works
internal collaborators. The
proletariat. . . . strong dies in prison, before ol Kurt Vbnnegut. Cited by
evidence is turned over to
The film deals with the at being brought lo trial. Herbert Mil gang in "Pub
the organs of justice. Clark
tempts ol external enemies. learns who his fellow trav lishing: Pilgrim's Return to
\vlif). in collusion \vitli inter eller has been. lie goes away The Kimk of Mcrtyit by T. II. Gcrniaiu " in the Sctf York
nal enemies, want to blow up full of admiration lor ibis While: Merlyn returns and Times. October 2S. 1077
a plant ol special importance wonderful country which convinces Arthur to make
to our coimlrv. At every step lives free in" its own share ot peace with Mordred. None "If only we could raise
the enemies and saboteurs the sunlight! with the ardent theless, a battle ensues. Ar women to I he level of I he
are followed by the watchful thur is (apparently) killed. Panama Canal."
desire to return once again to
eye of the people, who un Guinivere enters a mon -Gloria Sleineii), com
the beautiful and happy
cover and destroy all t heir astery, and Lancelot becomes menting on the lack of prior-
Albania.
criminal schemes .... a hermit. it y given women's rights.
Tlie story begins in a l-'rnm Democratic People's Re Quoted in "Radical Right Ac
simple way. Mr. Clark and public of Korea. Illustrated Shall We Tell tin- I'midi-iil? cused of Obstructing K.R.A..
Mr. Sam come to onr country Weekly..\'".L' &l:~>). 1977 by Jeffrey Archer: President the iVr/f York Times, dale not
as tourists. Behind his dis. Durable and Smart Shoes Fdward Kenneth1 is saved available. ("Bullshit" re
guise as a tourist interested 'ftirncdOul from assassination by smart minds its readers that the
in trade, the latter is seeking The modern Pyongyang G-men. Panama Canal is approx
to reactivi/e a group of Vinyl Chloride Shoe Factory imately I wenty-one feet
agents. lie makes conlart is a great producer ol shoes FILMS above sea level.)
with Marko Ruvina. an old of various colours and styles.
agent in th<j service of for ...The respected and beloved "i am sick and tired of
eign espionage, who is reluc leader Comrade Kirn 11 Sung being put on a cross contin
tant at first but later begins taught; ually. II they want to fire me.
lo carry out the orders of his "The important task con let them do it now and give
buss. Sam. blindly. Marko ao fronting the workers of shoe 1.900: While !)<• Xiro and l)e- nit-- peace, . ,. ! am clearly a
tivixeslhe"crab"andDimilra, factories today is to make du pardieu are being simultane victim ol religious per
who works as a cleaner in the rable and smart shoes, niiher ously in a s t u r b a t e d b y a secution and this is another
offices of the plant. Through than increase their quantity," prostitute, she has an epilep evidence of the moral decay
the cleaner, Marko. the cun Us workers, mindful of the tic seizure. De N'iro. the of America."
ning and cynical old agent. great leader's leaching, arc- aristocrat, flees. Depardieu, -Anita Bryant. comment
gels hold ol a document all out to make heller shoes ihe Communist, slays to ing on reports that she might
taken from the office of the of grealer amount. help. The Fascists lose WWII lose tier contract with the
secretary Bcsa. during a mo They have found its secret and Sutherland dies un Florida Citrus Commission
ment's carelessness. Wiih the in technical innovation and pleasantly. in February due lo the back
document in his hand. Marko launched a vigorous in lash generated by her stand
sounds out Besa. pulling her novation campaign drawing I-lq tuts: It turns out that the on gay rights. She did sub
in a ven difficult position. on the successes made y o u n g in a n b I i n d ed t h e sequently lose the contract.
She is a good woman and through the introduction of horses to prevent them from From tin- Associated Press as
conscience-stricken about several effective proposals witnessing his congress wilh printed in the .\r/e York f'osl.
what her negligence in inlo production last year.... the stable girl. October^*. 1977
guarding Slate secrets has Bearing in mind the noble
led to. I !cr profound anxiety aims of the fatherly leader A Sfnri(tl Day: Loreti seduces
is soon over, because "-he who is deeply concerned lo Maslroianni. The Fascists
seeks tin- aid ol the State Se provide the people with throw him out of the country. moling VValden Books and
curity organs. much more good shoes, tin- She returns lo her lannly; he,
It never crosses Marko Ru workers continue In make presumably, lo homosex- t»r\ bv Jonathan Katz. Ap-
v ma's mi nd that this" tern lied" suc< esses in product ion. ualilv.

vffimk" />' u daily lea-
litre in I he Washington Star.
// consists of exferj)is front t-or-
cnnnrnl documents <>j till
kinds, sent to Ilia/ netcs/xtfier
anonyinonsl\ by ?>oi'erninetil
Team owner Ralph C. Wil
son said Shnpson's injury was
Over eni/tlovees. Tlir t'll/itiriiiii are
cofryriiflil ' i<)77 !>y flit' Wash
"a terrible blow to football 7,000,000 ington Star, (irr re/) rinled
u'ltli permission.
and to the Buffalo Bills.
"It reminds me of sonic- Guinness are drunk
thing that happened in the
past. H was two days after everyday /•'mm Hi/- Comptroller (ienera!
A'r/wr/.sv
The number of overtime
the bomb was dropped at Hi
roshima. I was there and Ihe hours for which an employee
feeling ! had then is Ihe same is entitled to receive compen
way 1 feel today about O.J's sation at the overtime rate
injury"
—re O.J. Simpson's most re
GUINNESS applicable to his basic salary
rate before.- reaching the pro
cent knee injury, one which
Guinness Sloul - Imporlad by IhBGumnsss-Harp Corporation. New York. N.Y rated atfyrejrate limitation
may end his attempt at besl- for the pay period in which
ing Jim Browns all-lime foot the overtime services were
ball rushing record. From the rendered constitutes I he
Associated Press as primed maximum number of hours
in the Sfin Francisco Chron of compensatory time which
icle, November 2. 1977 may be credited....
;V#; "Bullshit" would like lo From a Goddard Spare I'l/îil

sa/ii/e lisquire/»f initiating a Coitcr memo:
»i a n I lily rciidcr-send-in Several instances were
"Dubious Acliiei'cnicnf" >vc- noted where a 23()4(a)-(10)
lion in Iheir magazine. Imita D&F was utilized with fixed
tion if the sincerest form oj price R & D Form 247. When
theft, ice aliftiys say. ever this arrangement is uti
lized, proportions of R&D
vis-a-vis other effort and rea
True Masthead sons why a2:«M(a) |W) D&F
in lieu of a l-!3(M(a} (11) D&F
Edited by RJ.O'Rourke was milled, must be ex
"Bullshit" bvEllisWeiner plained in the Summary of
"Spoilers" by Damiy Abelson Negotiations.
"Facts" by Wendy Mogel
"Lives" by Bradley Rax.ook l'*rom ft />t'o/)ns<'// DC/>((>'/ni <'//t
Research: Chuck Bartelt (>/Defense direct/re:
Art; Diana Feklman If the amount apportioned
Contributing Editors: I" Hoxv or reapporlioncd for any ap
ard Lyons, Lawrence Hoch- ill mrart/nii; In III'' iustrntlinnf in Hi
propriation includes esti-
berger. Pedar Ness, Alan . wn tun mtikf tnif nl hmnf hv splitting u Sift// I'mniuin trunk mill mat e d r e i m 1) u r s e in e n I s,
Rose. Ben Fllard. transfers, or other items of
Contributions: We will pay anlicipaletl receipts, and al
$10 for every item used. $.?() locations are made in anlici-
for lj & w photos. $,'10 for pat ion of such reim
bursements, transfers and
color photos. Send to: True
Fads. National I.ainl>non. ().'i~> receipts, adjustments will be
Madison Ave.. New York, N.Y made in the amounts of allo
1002:-*. In case of duplication, cations, when required, as
earliest postmark is selected. will assure that the sums al
located with respect to each
Kditor's Note: The items which appropriation will not be in
a|i|ieui in UK- True Scctimi arc. (o excess of the amount appor
itu- hrst ol our iibiliiv to \-?v\[\
tioned or reapportioned lor
llicm. true. W<> will gladly rt'li-.-ui
usistliisui; llial c;in bv pnivcn use for each apportionment
false. Kvemhinj; else in tin- .\<i- period or the amount which
titina! l.utti/MiiH is fictional. V.\- will ultimately he realized,
ccpl UK'ads. whichever is less.

What's Vour Sign-Reader's Page II
A-l » ctfmhjone
DRIVING SCHOOL'
Funeral Home
«*•_—-.. ^^
'.en S. Rubin, Maywoad. N.I. TracvA nderson, Cheektowaga, New York
COMPUTE IMCTION
PARTIAL ERECTION
MATERIALS
Michael Wilson, Cttnoga Park, California
mOTEL
/fen Kasli. Reseda. California Atvin Keiner. Bluff, Utah Lett S. Rubin, Maywood. N.J.
92 NATIONAL LAMPOON TRUE SECTION

^ 2 f\
T
>
These are VEGETARIAN TIMES 5 sr

^ E
r- S
a ^ x.

tt
S3WIJL NVIHVX3O3A
Produced by Roy Thomas Baker,
ROMAN SCANDALS
ow tinned
Starcastle's music is
to my office in the Senate and said for more than the mind.
breathlessly, "Fishbrcath, Fishbrcath,
First it embraces. And
Cicero says come quickly, and tell no
one." then it captures. Sense
THE GIFT EVERYONE
IS GIVING EVERYONE Well, technically, I didn't work for it for yourself, in their
For the very first time on the Republicans, but that never stood new album,"Citadel"
the national level YORE in my way before, so I jumped on the
PETCOCK* is available in the
ORIGINAL, UNEXPURGATED
slave's back, and in a few minutes we
edition. were down by the Tiber River where
It is THE manual on the Cicero was trying to wring out his n'tThinkTwicaJCiianijeimiine/Ev
emerging art of Petcockery. toga and three or four burly Praeto
You cannot become a compe
tent practicioner without this rian Guardsmen were trying to piece
manual. ILLUSTRATED in together what had happened.
the mind of the reader in a I went over to one of them.
manner offensive to none but
"What happened?" I asked.
bold enough for all.
THE PERFECT GIFT for "All I know," says one, "is that this
every occasion and evert/ per- old coot is higher than a slave on a STARCASTLE.
son. Included is a PET COCK cross, and we've got ourselves two ex-
on a necklace which has been ON EPIC RECORDS
perfected by millions of re
Vestal Virgins." AND TAPES.
productions. Well, it took a chunk out of the
Don't let your friends or corn-dole budget, believe you me, but
loved ones be without.
those Guardsmen never did report
ORDER TODAY
PETCO COMPANY
poor Cicero. And he got up the next
P.O. BOX 3354
THOUSAND OAKS. CA 91360
day and blamed the whole thing on a
"Carthaginian conspiracy aided by
GENTLEMEN: Rush me certain well-meaning dupes of the
• copies @$9.95/copy. Add $1.25 I
' for postage and handling. Cataline."
| Name _______________ I People sometimes ask me what the
most memorable moment of my ca
I Street———————————————————
City & Stae ————————————
•
•
reer was. And surprisingly, lots of
I Dealer inquiries invited, I
folks think it happened just a few
THE
CLIMAX!
weeks ago, after Caesar was put
away.
"Wasn't Mark Antony's funeral
UNIVERSE
The only condom to stimulate the cli
toris directly, the Climax Condom will
urge you both on to the pleasures of
oration the greatest speech you ever
heard, Fishbrcath?" people ask me.
HAS A
mutual orgasmic release because:
1) Its remarkably thin latex transmits Well, no. You see, 1 heard the real
body heat instantaneously, speech—not the one some Levantine
2) The Climax Condom's unique tiny pimple-faced ghostwriter with a fancy
pliant spined based gives her the c)i-
toral massage she needs, and education wrote for him (a lot of Ver-
3) Safe, designed by one of America's gilian horseshic, if you ask me).
largest manufacturer of condoms, the What did Antony really say? Well,
Climax Condom is strong and reliable.
Designed to serve the needs of both he looked at the coffin, all laid out,
the man and his partner, the total sex- stared out at the crowd till they were
ual experience is now available all quiet and still, threw his head up
to everyone. Order yours today!
to the sky and said: "Tough shit."
Yes, I miss those days in Rome—the
free tickets to the games, the toasts
and songs around the Vomitorium,
Valentine Products Dept. NL1 the auctions when the judgeships
P.O. Box 20B8, Grand Centra! Station were sold. But Old Fishbreath knew
New York, New York 10017
Please send me: (Check Box) when his time had come to leave the
G $3.95 package of 6 condoms stage and seek a life of peace, instead
with spined base Code #125
Q $5.95 package of 12 condoms of the intrigues of—excuse me, some
with spined base Code "133 one's at the door.
n $8.95 package of 24 condoms
with spined base Code «141 A what? A fig-gram? How nice.
) understand that it will be discreetly pack And it's not even my birthday.
aged,
What do 1 sign with?
Name______________________
Hey, wait a minute—that's not a
Signature, quill. It's a stilleio'. Hey, wait a minute!
(I am over 18 years ot age)
I was with Cassius all the way. Hey,
Address.
come on, who do you think tripped
City___ Caesar, huh? Huh?
Stale. .Zip. ArmrrRggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! D -EPIC: MARC* REG C1977CBS IMC
94 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Back Issues
MARCH, 1972/ESCAPE! Wilh i-niier in Paradise. the Caiilornia Supplement, celebrity suicide notes FEBRUARY, 1976/ARTISTS AND MODELS: With Simply PK3SSO Art Dreco. Clowning Arouna wilh
the Psuillon parody. Swan Song ol Ihe Opei Road and doing il with dolphins Tils iheAffT/jeiM parody and Ihe Lincoln Nebraska Cenierlor ihe Pertormitig Arts
APRIL, 1972/25TH ANNIVERSARY: With Ihe 58 Butgemobiles The Playboy âlkxrt Shelter. Com APRIL, 1976/SPORTS: With Dogtistiing Site Joe* The Gtory ot Their Hindsight. Ihe US Olympic
rme Plot Comics. Frontline DaitisK ~iwaba',e Ihe Dating Newspaper anOAmos n Andy Handbook and The PI..-K Stops Here
MAY, 1972/MEN! With How lo Scene with C.hicks Tiie Men s Pages. GermameSpiiiaine Slacked Lite MAY, 1976/FOREIGNERS: '.V'tn "ie Times o' Indva Foreigners arouno! me World. EEC. Whateyer
Me Noiman the Baibanan a'-citlie'>vji. J'jt-wja!, the Tall Happened lo Vie: 1 . : J: i--i- ,u u "«: Culture Uul lures SHCIion
JULY, 197 2/SURPRISE! Wilt' Turd vViimi Lories me Refugee Pages. Ihe Little Black Book ol Chair JUNE, 1976/75th ANNIVERSARY: With Kelauver High School Reunion. The Story ot Douglas Air-
mail >vtao. How lo Be a He-Mac :*»••• mclii I'l'H.ol Jingo s Book ol Big Ships cralt Chris Miller s Al t!ie Movies Canadian Weakly, and anolher Bern ie Xpose
AUGUST, 1972/THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: With True Potties magazine. Trie Coronation oi SEPTEMBER. 1976/ THE LATEST ISSUE: With a complete Hst ol Bad Words. Western Romance
King Dick. Gahan Wilson s Miracle ol Senioniy and TaiesoHheSouih comics Part Three Brave Dog Magazine and the return nf bold iinr'p Fiu^k l cat hammerer
SEPTEMBER, 1972/BOREDOM: W"!i The Wide World ol Meal Our While Heniage. Bland Hoiei Hie OCTOBER, 1976 /THE FUNNY PAGES: With ;i • • •. i> • •>' NulS. the Aesop Brothers on
i Clunk Nrjti(i'i:ilGf!O(ii'i/ii"t: rwody, a*vl Hie President s B'olher coniic • ..',-• •.'!! •> "M.. .-••t > ,i: •';],> !;ji:k Odd Fiod". 1 ' i i ii ni.jfiiei comics and cartoons
OCTOBER, 1972/REMEMBER THOSE FABULOUS SIXTIES? Willi Bob Dylan and Joan Baei in NOVEMBER. 197G/SPECIAL ELECTION YEAR ISSUE; :..) :-iit.y(ixed' Thecomplele story ol
Smrne.r nian comics lorn wolle m Walls, and a long-suppressed Roiling Stonesaibum ir it loiviivnie oaiFi().KjFi stdFrjig l-ord d^:d Carlti louk-oiiKtii. ne traditional bribery, corruption.
NOVEMBER, 1972/DECADENCE: Wilh Sgl Shriver s Bleeding Means Club Sand Deteal Day Ihe and natural gas
Meat Ciiess Sei ihe F-etish Supplement, and Adla> Stevenson m Remnanls-ol-rjignily Comics JANUARY, 1977/SUREFIRE ISSUE: With Those La*y. Hazy. Crazy Final Days, lols Ol hilarious car
DECEMBER, 1972/EASTER: With Son-o -God comics = 2. Cfins Miller s Gill ol Hie Magi Greai toons sight gags, comes and the Saeniemlic American parody
Ivto.Tienis in Chess. Diplomatic Etiquette and Ihe Special Irish Supplement FEBRUARY, 1977/KENNEOY REINAUGURAL ISSUE: Wilh JFK s Fust 6,000 Days (l96^-1976),
JANUARY, 1973/DEATH: Wilh The Advenlures ol Oeadman, PlaydeaO magazine Children sSucKfe !hev*ige Voic(,T).ri •!>• A1.: 1 .n irc;]iid and Hie JacKie Memorial
Letters lo Santa tie Lasl-Aid Kit plus Borjbie f isfiei Snows You How 10 Seal Death MARCH. 1977./SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: With Poisonous Junk. Slufl That Blows Up. and
APRIL, 1973/PREJUDICE: Wilh AnIi-Dutoh Hale Literature. AH in de Famoly. Tiie Shame ol the Large Dangerous Flung:, That Go Fasl
Nonn. Proliles m Chopped Liver. Surprise Poster = A. and Iwy magazine APRIL, 1977/RIPPING THE LID OFF TV!: With T-Bird and Mon;a, T V magazine. Monday Night
MAY, 1973/FRAUD: Wilh Ihe Miracle Monopoly Cheating Kil Borrow Tins Book The Privileged indi Sleep. PBS Concordance and Dinah s Dumper
vidual Income 'ax Return, and Ganan Wilson s Curse bl Ihe Mandarin MAY, 1977/GAY ISH: Wilh (feliw hti'if'.-. anu C*iiok ireiijazine ftools-An Oral History, a report on
JUNE, 1973/VIOLENCE: Wilh Ihe Sevan Sec'el Japanese Techniques ol Sell Defense. Kit r> Ka- Mavapmos GocKiam Fafjiioli' Oy Rtidr tpjei jfiy in? TI.IFFI;I'I Capote parody
poodle Comics Gun Lusl Magazine ana flodiigues Hernophunnies JUNE. 1977/CAREERS: Willi riierj,er !<»»-. wptliai.kb guidance counselors summer joOs. place
JULY, 1973/SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: With Popular Workbench. TecHno-Taclics Non-Pollul- ment lesls u'live'sily liyT.ii S.Rvjrun s gel ucr; Irj, JIKI S.^m Gross
ing Power Sources. National Science Fair Projects, and the Jersey Cily Exposition ol Progress In JULY, 1977/SEX; With rw mev tat,*- "fc R*,V,.>« r>jioOy What Every Young Woman Should Know.
dustry & Freedom porn Hicks, skin books slroKemags .rid vw LJ-J It.;e Ltif uVestern Romance
AUGUST, 1973/STRANGE BELIEFS: With Psychology loOay parody. Son-o -Goo Comics = 3 AUGUST, 1977/CHEAP THRILLS: W.rr. Waiied fmes m.jgajine, Wore Tales ol Uncle Mike. Can I
Gahan Wilsons Si range Beliefs ol Children and Rucington's Fuzz Against Bunk geiaiobattheFVawo/ia/taiiipCFO/)' Sleeping with ine Stars andKicte
SEPTEMBER. 1973/POSTWAR: With UK parody, Nazi Regalia lor Gracious Lining. Whtiedove SEPTEMBER. 1977 /GROW UP!: W>ln Ine neallfi facts msurance madness Gidgel Goes Senile, a
comics Vicny Supplement Queue Magazine, and Military Trading Cards gwae to adults arciGanariWilsonsGrown jps Can Do Anything
OCTOBER, 1973/BANANA ISSUE. WHAT?: Wilh Saga ol Ihe Frozen Worth. G Gordon Liddy- OCTOBER. 197 7 /BEATLES!: With Mersey Mofitoo Fave'tive Paooearoes; Magazine. Beat Ihe
Ageni ol C R E E P. Amirak Mooel Tram Catalog, laiesot Mozzhn High School The Don Juan Sclxxji Mealies the unreieasect aiijurns of John. George. Rmgo. Paul, and Frank Sinatra. and Ihe aulhenlic
of Sorcery. anoB Kliban'sTurK McCanney autopsy reporl
NOVEMBER, 1973/SPORTS; Willi Sqoris Iffusfraied parody. Character Budding Comics. Doc NOVEMBER. 1977 /LIFESTYLES: Wtlh Besl Medcal Flea Mattel Busting Out Ol Skiburbia. Orgas
FeeneysScrapbooWot Sports Oddities Specially Spoils Magazines. 1976 Olympic Preview Al Tan- mic Backiasn While Rastalanans. arid Besi Nraroes in New York
Irum 1 O'Neils Temper Tips and Bat Day DECEMBER. 1977 /CHRISTMAS IN DECEMBER: With Ihe death ol Santa Claus. alternate
DECEMBER, 1973/SELF-INDULGENCE: Wilh the National Lampoon Building Our Sunday good lasit- covers cards presents, and Ihe Texas Supplement
Comics. Me Magazine An Anglo-Saxon Chnslmas. Praclicat Jokes lor iheVery Rich. Hov. Ed Subitjky
Speni HIS Summer, and PoonOear THE NATIONAL LAMPOON
MARCH. 1974/STUPID: Wilh the Stupd Apntude Test Kancer Kare Kosmelics. The Sluiwj Group,
and SlupiO News & "Aioria Report Oept. NL 178 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N.Y. 10022
APRIL. 1974/TRAVEL: Wiln Gahan Wnsons Paranoid Abroad. Airline Magazine. Amish in Space. Send me the following
RMS Tyrannic Brochure. 14B Countries You Can'Wisil. anO Welcome toCiieesenurg
JULY. 1974/DESSERT: With Famine Circle Magazine. Gahan Wilson s Baby Food. Corporate Fann No ot copies Issue Mo ol copies issue No ot
ers Almanac. Hodngues G astronomic Comique. and Guns anaSandivrclies Magazine ____ Mar 1972 _____ Mar. 1971 HeO. 1976
AUGUST, 1974/ISOLATIONISM AND TOOTH CARE; Wilh Agnew s A Very Sizable Ao/ance. Seeo _____ Apr 1972 ______ Apr 1974
Magazine. Executive Deleted. Soul Drinks. Su'pnse Rosier =7 and True Menu _____ May. 1972 _____ May 1974 Apr.,'1976
SEPTEMBER, 1974/OLD AGE: Wilh Unexciting Stories. Rodngues Senior Sex Old Laoies Home _____ July. 1972 ______ July, 1974
Journal and Battart Comics ______ Aug.. 1972 _____ Aug.. 19M June. 1976
OCTOBER, 1974/PUBESCENCE: Wilh VD Comics, Nancy Drew Meets Patty Hearsl Masluroa- ____ Sept. 1972 _____ Sepl, 1974 Sept 1976
iion Funnies and lampon Period Piece _____ Ocl 1972 _____ Oct.. 1974 Oct. 1976
NOVEMBER, 1974/CIVICS: Wilh The Rockefeller Art Collection Prison Farm. Constitutional Comics. ____ Nov. 1973 ______ Nov. 1974 Mov 1976
and Watergate Down ____ Dec IS72 _____ Jan.. 1975
JANUARY, 1975/NO ISSUE: With Negligent Mottle: Magazine Bruce McCalls Zeppelin Fifst High ____ Jan 1973 ____ Feb 1975 Feb! 1977
Comics. Watergate Trwia Test and Night o< the Iceless Capades _____ Apr. 1973 _____ Mar. 1975
FEBRUARY, 1975/LOVE AND ROMANCE: With American Bride Magazine. Going Down and Get _____ May. 1973 ______ Apr. 1975 Apr J977
ting Oil with Brando Histona de Amor An Evening al Dinglebernes. and The Si Valentines Day ______ June. 1973 ______ May 1975
Massacre _____ Ju.y 1973 ______ July. 1975 _____ June. 1977
MARCH. 1975/GOOD-BYE TO ALL THAT: Wilh Barbar an« His Enemies Gone wilh Ihe Wind 75 ______ Aug. 1973 ____ Aug. 1975 ______ July. 1977
E"cjiandlariO Ti>e'7SNobels.TtieHoienhiockmoilon and Trie New Sorter Paiody _____ Sept. 1973 _____ Sept 1975 ______ Aiig. 1977
APRIL, 1975/CAR SICKMESS: Wilh Wa'<n Rod Magazine Henry Ford s Diary, Beep the Bad Little _____ Oct.. 1973 _____ Ocl.. 1975 ______ Sept., 1977
Bus. The 1906 Bulge Buggies. The Tunnel Policemen's Ball, and Gahan Wilson's Shoes ____ Nov. 1973 ______ Nov 1975 ______ OCI.1977
MAY, 1975/MEDICINE: With National Safe. Terminal Flalulence Blue Cross in Peace and War. Rodn- ____ [Vc 1973 _____ Dec 1975 ______ Nov. 1977
gues Comedies ana Our Wonderful Bodies _____ Jan 1976 ______ Dec.1977
JULY, 1975/3-D ENTERTAINMENT: Wilh FagHag Mag. The Vespers ot )6!0. Hollywood. Hoorav
Mel Brooks is Goo Airport 69. and Glitter Bums I enclose a total of £__ All 1976 and 1977 issues are $1.50 each.
AUGUST. 1975/JUSTICE: With ihe Rockefeller Attica Report. Code ol Hammurabi. Citizen's Airesi 1975 issues are $2.00 each, and all issues before 1975 are $2.50 each
Magazine Inhenl Their Wind and World Nighi Court
SEPTEMBER, 1975/BACK TO COLLEGE: Wilh the Vassar Yearbook. Fooloali Preview. Scholastic
this amount covers purchase plus shipping and handling.
Scams. Academic Ploys, ano the Esquire Pa'ody
OCTOBER, 1975/COLLECTOR'S ISSUE: Wilh Pornography lor ihe DumD. Underwear lor Ihe Deal
M)-lhan<i! ogetyi Mirroi the Mayo Clinic and The Inlamous Cuban Hcino Farm My Name.
NOVEMBER, 1975/WORK: Wilh Fflrdinand Ihe Bulldozer. The Kitchens ot Sara Lee Trail ol Tiers
S/ii'fnug and Hire the Handicapped Address.-
DECEMBER, 1975/ MONEY: Wilh The Great Price War. Entrepreneurs, and a fortune parody
JANUARY, 1976/SECRET ISSUE: Wild JSChies Date with Destiny Ttie Men- York flewew ol Soote Cily___ Zip.
parody IRA Comics Couclied in Secrecy, and The Conspiring Pfiolographer
. State_.
96 NATIONAL LAMPOON
©B&WTCo.
8 mg, "tar". 0.7 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.
•J-
(it
•
BVCT1: We don't want your taste buds to go to sleep.
FACT reduces the aldehyde* gases that we believe muddy the flavor of fine
tobaccos so you can enjoy wide-awake taste.
E\CT2:\\fe have smoke scrubbers in our filter.

These Puritc® scrubbers work like magnets to reduce these same
aldehydes and let the fine flavor come through. ^•^••MMMMHHH
E\CT3:\\fe have a patent on flavor in " «««»

low W' cigarettes: #3828800.
Our Purite filter helps deliver flavor in a way so new we've
been able to patent it.
Add it all up. Low gas, low *tarj great flavor. That's a FACT.

That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health.
Available in regular and menthol.

How Panasonic got more thrust
out of Thrusters.
And more power
out of Matched Components.
Even for our sound engineers it was a tough distortion. But there's more to the 6800 than big
assignment- Improve Thrusters, the speakers power. A lot more. Like direct coupled circuitry
that had already created a sensation with their for solid power even in low bass frequencies.
extra speaker cone for that extra thrust of bass. And a loudness switch to boost the bass at low
So important in today's music. volume levels.
To make AM/FM tuning extra accurate,
there's a linear dial scale. Signal strength
£ meter. And AFC.
I The 6800's 8-track player/recorder features
automatic/manual record levels. Two level meters.
Repeat feature. And pause control.
For your records, Panasonic offers the
'automatic return, servo-belt-drive turntable,
model RD-3500. It comes complete with magnetic
cartridge, dust cover and the kind of performance
Specs your friend the hi-fi nut talks about.
And for private DUO-CO™ headphones
listening, put on our . -
lightweight Duo-Cone
headphones. [/..,
Panasonic Matched
Components. There are .
24 different combinations
that all say, "Hello, hi-fi. Goodbye,,
Thruslers SB-1800. Full range sound with an extra thrust of bass.
But they did it. Introducing Thrusters

SB-1800. It has what our engineers call "a
parabolic short horn." It
directs the sound, so the
room is filled with a sound
presence that's hard to
describe but easy to enjoy.
And our engineers even
went a step further. To power
Parabolic short horn. the new Thrusters, they also
For better sound direction
in Thrusters. created our most powerful '
Matched Components stere
receiver yet—the RA-6800 with a full 25 watts per IM^HM
channel, minimum RMS into 8 ohms from 40 Hz , hatched Components
Panasonic.
to 20 kHz with no more than 0.8% total harmonic
just slightly ahead of our time.

AH cabinetry is simulated wood.

1978 01 PDF

Hochgeladen von

Dokumentinformationen

Originaltitel

Copyright

Verfügbare Formate

Dieses Dokument teilen

Dokument teilen oder einbetten

Freigabeoptionen

Stufen Sie dieses Dokument als nützlich ein?

Sind diese Inhalte unangemessen?

Copyright:

Verfügbare Formate

1978 01 PDF

Hochgeladen von

Copyright:

Verfügbare Formate

The Role of Sex in History

Jan. 1978 The Humor Magazine $1.25

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

The brains of the system;

BIC VENTURI SPEAKER SYSTEMS

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Senior Editors: Tony Heridra, Scan Kelly Editor: P.J. O'Rourke

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. NATIONAL LAMPOON 5

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

|BL K-Series Loudspeakers are available in six different sizes,

itilbod Boulevard. Northridge. California 91329

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

*Jo wonder if&America'sfl l menthol.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

Loggins and Messina. Ending on a happy note.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

A contemporary of Julius Caesar, Livid

14 NATIONAL LAMPOON Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

enough not to distort.

blend cone (instead of the A separate enclosure for the 4 Inch

kind of realistic bass you

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

SERVING THE NATIONAL LAMPOON SINCE 1975

VOLUME 1. NO.XCIV JANUARY, 1978 YELLOW STREAK EDITION 100CENTS

ENDANGERED SPKCir.S: \ rare photo «f HIL- American |>nni[>liorii(.Lil on-kruadi.

Bronx, N.Y.-Attorneys for the White House went into

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Mogadishu" Barely hours

Second City: after the world al large had

All Star Dead Band, Take 47 have learned of the Moga­

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Directed by Stanley Kramer with

Darth Vadar as Yasir Arafat • Peter Gushing as Dr. George Habash •

Hear Gary "Israel" Bonds sing

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Samp name as the show, from Label 21

BEHIND ALL 635 MADISON AVENUE

IS THE Three years (36 issues) ..............................$14.00

... the humor magazine.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

TA-DAAA.' MY LATEST FIRST, IT

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

TV: "Sicks" and Villains

The Uses of Illiteracy

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Fuel Economy Jan. 3

Major Weather Jan. 15

A report published h\ ihe American Society o(" Mete­

MAN, I HATE THE TASTE —YOU EAT IT

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Taking up where Panama Kid

Produced by Jim Ed Norman (MCA-2307)

26 NATIONAL LAMPOON; Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc.

T here comes a time in each nation's

All Star Dead Band, Take 47 have learned of the Moga

A report published h\ ihe American Society o(" Mete