Getting to Know Your Three Brains: Part 1

psychcentral.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-three-brains-part-1

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, 8 July

LCSW 2016

Happy relationships make happy people. Perhaps the most important relationship we have
is the one with our self. In fact, the better the relationship we have with our self, the better
we feel, the easier life is and the better relationships we have with others.

When we judge our self harshly, we tend to judge others harshly as well. There is a direct
correlation between how we treat ourselves, how we feel and how we treat others.

Regardless of whether you believe it, you do have power to change for the better. How do I
know this? I know this because in my journey to become a health care professional, I had
the great fortune of learning about the brain. This knowledge helped me tremendously.

With simple knowledge about how the brain and mind work, which I will give you in this
series, we cannot help but think and feel about others and our self in a new and different
light. In my daily life, I use my understanding of my three brains to help me feel better and
to understand the people around me.

Here’s a simple example of how I use my knowledge of the brain:

I was invited to a party and I was getting more and more nervous about going by myself. My
nerves made me start to wonder if I should really go. “Maybe it is a mistake,” I started telling
myself. My mind started looking for excuses not to go.

Knowledge of my brain taught me that external events, such as going to a party by myself,
could shake me up in several ways. I used to think it was only my negative thoughts that
could upset me. In fact, five different types of experiences occur. I may be upset by:

1. My thoughts
2. The visual images my mind is making (we’re making pictures in our minds all the time)
3. Emotions evoked by the situation
4. Physical sensations evoked
5. My unconscious beliefs about my Self that going alone to a party brought up

How does being aware of these five factors help me? Now that I know they exist, I can
actively look for all of them, see which one of them is most affecting me, and work with my
brain accordingly. Moreover, not only can I work with my thoughts, images, emotions,

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physical sensations and beliefs, I can manipulate them in a wide variety of creative ways for
better or for worse. The way I work with my mind is all governed by the science I have
learned about how brain cells move, make new connections, or stay more entrenched.

Here’s what I noticed when I was dressing for the party:

My thoughts were “Will I know anyone?” “Will I feel comfortable?” and “Will I be appropriately
dressed?”

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Getting to Know Your Three Brains: Part 1
psychcentral.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-three-brains-part-1/2

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, 8 July

LCSW 2016

I had two visual images, one positive and one negative. In the positive one, everything was
going well. I saw myself talking to people and having fun. In the other, I saw myself standing
alone awkwardly, unable to penetrate the many conversations going on around me.

The emotions I was having were varied and conflicting, which is not unusual for the brain. I
was excited about the party, and I was scared I wouldn’t fit in. I was also palpably anxious.

Physically, I noticed my stomach was clenched and my breathing was shallow.

I was aware I had two conflicting beliefs about myself. When the positive image was in the
forefront of my mind, I saw myself fitting in and having conversations with others. My belief
when I had that picture in my mind was “I am fine and I can go to this party and survive no
matter what happens.” My negative belief went with my negative image of not fitting in. My
negative belief was: “I am different and weird and no one will be interested in talking to me.”
I noticed that when this upsetting image popped into my brain, it made me feel ashamed.

How did I use my knowledge of the brain to help myself? I mustered up all the mental
energy I had and chose to focus on the positive scenario. I actively pushed my mind in the
direction I decided it should go. I allowed my fear about going to the party to exist, but I
chose not to act on it. Additionally, I repeatedly reminded myself that if I felt embarrassed
for any reason, I would get over it, and ultimately be glad I at least tried.

So, to review, what does learning about the brain give us?

1. Power to work with our thoughts;

2. Ability to accept and channel emotions wisely;
3. Ability to recognize and control impulses;
4. Ability to calm emotions and the accompanying physical sensations they produce;
5. Ability to challenge our negative beliefs about our Self and others;
6. Enhanced ability to think through the best course of action that is in sync with what
we want.

Just as we have the power to enhance well-being in specific ways, we can interfere with well-
being in other ways. Being aware of the ways we further distress, such as the three
examples I mention below, gives us the opportunity to stop our brain from going to those
automatic places that make us feel worse. Knowledge of the three brains and the self helps
insure we don’t worsen our problems by:
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 Reinforcing negative beliefs and worries by replaying them over and over again in our
mind, which strengthens the wiring of those negative brain cell networks.
Amplifying negative feelings. We can choose to calm and work with painful feelings so
they diminish. And, we can choose to amplify “positive” emotions that feel good like
joy, excitement and pride in the self.
Not engaging in self-destructive behaviors, which predictably lead to more negative
feelings, which make us feel emotionally worse, which adds to physical stress and
pain.

In essence, the brain-work I am advocating gives us power and control over our mind as we
honor and accept ourselves fully.

Most of us live day to day by blocking aspects of ourselves that cause us pain or conflict.
But, we all know that blocking, defending, or burying things inside leads to symptoms and
more psychological pain. Understanding how to use the various parts of the brain to deal
with problems as they arise helps us live well.

We humans are complicated and nuanced, but our brains behave predictably. I find this
very reassuring — there is a reliable path to wellness. How long it takes to change the brain
and how to achieve the changes we want varies widely for each of us. But, the basic
principles are similar for us all. I hope to pass on practical and simple brain knowledge in
the next four parts of this series.

Stay tuned for Part 2, “The 3 Brains And The SELF.” I will shed light on what each of the three
brains do.

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Getting to Know Your Three Brains: Part 2
psychcentral.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-3-brains-part-two

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, 27 July

LCSW 2016

In Part 1 of this brain mini-series , I hoped to excite your desire to learn more about the
brain. In this post, you will learn what you need to know to enhance your well-being.

To begin, think of yourself as having not just one brain but three brains:

1. your thinking brain;

2. your emotional brain;
3. your body brain.

Although they are all connected, they act and are very different. The thinking brain conjures
your thoughts. The emotional brain is where emotions and impulses arise. The body brain
causes changes in the body when emotions trigger.

The body brain, therefore, controls changes in breathing, heart rate, muscular tension,
stomach and gastrointestinal tension and so on. The job of the body brain is to ready our
bodies for survival actions.

You can see in the picture above how the

body brain extends downward. It connects
the brain to the whole body through the
spinal cord.

Along with the three brains, we also have a

Self. The Self is the core “you.” The Self is
how you were born before the challenges
of life shaped you for better and for worse.
It is the part of you that, when fully
accessed, says, “I feel like me!” People who
have had excessive hardship may feel very
disconnected from their Self. That is
because the Self can hide if it feels threatened.

The Self notices what’s going on inside the mind and body, and frequently the two do not
communicate. For example, the Self could say about the thinking brain, emotional brain and
body brain respectively, “I am aware that I am thinking about what the weather will be
tomorrow,” “I am aware that I am angry at my boss and I feel an impulse to call him names,”
and “I am aware that I have butterflies in my stomach as I think about public speaking.” I
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strongly encourage you to practice using your Self to notice your thoughts, feelings,
impulses and body sensations. The Self assimilates all the information to use for our
greater good.

Why am I encouraging you to spend the emotional effort to notice what your three brains
are doing? Because when the Self takes the time to notice what’s happening in three brains,
change happens. The mere act of focusing attention on what you want to change, scientists
theorize, causes brain cells to fire. Brain cells that fire, in turn, cause brain cells to rewire,
leading to changes from small to transformational.

The Self can learn to question the three brains. Questioning leads to understanding, and
understanding tells us what to do next to help ourselves. When the Self questions an
emotion, it would ask, “What happened that just made me feel_________?” When it questions
a thought, it would ask, “What made that worry-thought about ________________ (fill in the
blank with a worry-thought) come up right now?” When it questions a physical sensation, it
would ask, “What made my stomach tighten up now?” When we listen to the three brains,
we have a better sense of what to do next. Building awareness, questioning, then working
with what we learn always leads to growth and change.

Here is a simple metaphor to help illustrate how your three brains and your Self work
together:

Picture an orchestra with three sections: horns, strings, and percussion. The sections
correspond to the thinking brain, emotional brain, and body brain. Now add the conductor,
who represents the Self.

The orchestra sounds much better when the conductor leads. Of course, the instruments
can still play if the conductor is absent. The problem is that without the conductor, the
instruments don’t play so well together because they are not coordinated. But when a
maestro steps in, he or she creates the most beautiful and harmonious music. I want to
help you all become maestros of your mind. As a maestro, you will have more power and
control to help yourself and others during hard times.

To be a maestro, we need to be very familiar with the three brains. To start, our Self needs
to learn to recognize the difference between a thought, a feeling, and a physical sensation.
We work with each one differently. Then we must practice communicating effectively with
the three brains. By befriending them and communicating with them in moments of
distress, we can gain power and control to help ourselves. People who work with their three
brains in this way feel more organized, and experience greater peace, calm and confidence.

In summary, awareness of the three brains allows us to work with them purposefully. When
we are in touch simultaneously with thoughts, feelings and body sensations, it is easier to
meet life’s challenges. When we know what we are feeling and can use our emotions and

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sensations the way nature intended, we function better and feel more vital, energized, and
alive. All of us can, at any time in our life, learn to conduct the three brains with expertise
pulling the best from them and showing them how to work together for our benefit.

Part 3 of this series will give you an actual experience of your three brains and your Self,
making everything I have shared more obvious.

Curaga/Bigstock

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Getting to Know Your Three Brains: Part 3
psychcentral.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-three-brains-part-3

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, 4 August

LCSW 2016

Click here to refer to Part 1 of this series and Part 2 if you want a
refresher.
We cannot think our way through an emotion. Emotions must be experienced. We have to
feel emotions viscerally, let them move through us until their energy releases. That is
precisely how we feel better.

Most of us spend a lifetime figuring out how to avoid emotions. But that’s because we don’t
know any other way to deal with them. It is not our fault that the culture we live in does not
value or understand the science of emotions or the role they play in overall wellness. The
great news is we can learn some basic brain science to help ourselves.

No doubt emotions and their corresponding physical sensations feel weird at best and
totally overwhelming and painful at worst. Our brains resist moving toward emotional
experience at first because, let’s face it, emotions are scary. “How big will the feeling get?” or
“Will I be able to stand it?” are just some of the concerns that can come to mind. The truth is,
we can all learn to tolerate and even embrace getting in touch with deep emotional and
physical experiences. The benefits include feeling calmer and more authentic!

Two-Minute Exercise to Demonstrate Your 3 Brains and the Self

Think of a recent experience that had some (but not too much) emotional punch to it. It
could be as simple as remembering a compliment someone gave you, a nice moment with
your child or partner, a moment of road rage, or a minor disagreement with a colleague or
partner.

When you find it, just stay with it so the memory grows stronger and stronger. Think about
the details of the story, noticing the images that go with the memory as if you are watching
a movie. Make the memory as vivid as possible.

Holding the memory in mind, see if you can label the emotion(s) that the memory evokes. If
tuning into your emotions feels scary or you notice you don’t want to, that is OK; just find
another memory that is less negatively charged. Part 5 will explain more about why we are
sometimes afraid, uncomfortable or reluctant to get in touch with emotions.

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Let’s go back to the exercise. What emotions come up for you? Sadness, fear, anger, joy,
excitement, sexual excitement, disgust, embarrassment, shame, nervousness or any
combination of those? Try on each emotion to see if it fits. Literally ask yourself, “Do I sense
sadness?” Then pause and check in to see if sadness is there.

Go through each emotion one by one until you find all those that fit. When you find the
emotion that fits best, validate it saying to yourself “I feel ________ (insert the emotion that
best fits).” There should be a click of recognition to tell you you’ve labeled the emotion
correctly. Great! If you’re having trouble, don’t worry and definitely don’t judge yourself. Just
read on, keep trying and you’ll get it with some practice.

Now, let’s check in with what is happening below your neck. If you slow down enough and
give yourself a good 15 seconds or more, you might begin to notice changes in your posture
and physical sensations. I cannot stress enough how important it is to slow down for this
part, as the body takes much longer to be perceived than the thoughts in your head.

Scan your whole body slowly — very slowly — from head to toe, seeing if you notice any
sensations that go with the emotions you’ve noticed. You might sense a weight or a
lightness; a muscular tightening or relaxing; energy up, out, or swirling cyclically; fast
heartbeat; quick or shallow breathing; dizziness; butterflies or a knot in your stomach, just
to name a few. You also might notice impulses to move: to fold in on yourself; to retreat; to
set a boundary; to stand, sit, yawn, or even to make a fist if you are working with anger. Rest
assured all emotions have associated physical sensations. In fact, what defines an emotion
is really just a collection of physical sensations that we come to recognize as a specific
emotion.

Lastly, know there are no right or wrong answers, just subjective perception of your internal
experience. Anything you notice is right, by definition.

So here is the intellectual explanation for what we just experienced: Your Self is the part of
you that conjured up the memory at my request and noticed the images, noticed the
emotions and noticed the body sensations. Your thinking brain spontaneously generated
thoughts that arose during the exercise like “I can’t do this” or “this exercise is stupid” or
“this is really interesting” or “This is too hard” or “I think I’ll make chicken for dinner.” Your
emotional brain experienced the associated emotions triggered by the memory. Your body
brain caused the changes you noticed in your body.

To notice your three brains and what they are doing requires patience, courage,
compassion, and acceptance for the aspects of yourself you judge as flawed or unlovable.
Anyone and everyone can work with thoughts, emotions and physical sensations to foster
positive change. Great job for trying!

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Stay tuned for Part 4, which will discuss triggers, the things in the environment that cause
our 3 brains to react.

Belitas/Bigstock

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Getting to Know Your 3 Brains: Part 4
psychcentral.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-3-brains-part-4

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, 5 September

LCSW 2016

Read more about getting to know your three brains: Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

The word “trigger” refers to anything that sets off the three brains to the point where you
become aware of a thought, feeling or body sensation. In the exercise from the last post,
you brought up a memory that “triggered” a feeling, thought or physical sensation. In other
words, the memory evoked some experience for you.

Triggers can be external or internal. External triggers originate from our surroundings. An
example of an external trigger is my mother’s criticism. As a result of her judging my outfit,
let’s say, I am triggered to experience anger, sadness or shame. Since my mother is in the
environment, this is an external trigger.

The weather can be a trigger. Some people are triggered to feel good on a sunny day or
gloomy on a gloomy day.

Triggers can be subtle or intense. Most triggers originate from the environment.

Internal triggers happen inside of us. Illness is an internal trigger. Some people, like my
grandmother, get depressed when they get the flu.

Feeling sick can trigger a wide range of emotional responses from the emotional brain. The
range of responses to illness can be quite wide: sadness, shame, fear, guilt, anger and even
joy and relief from not having to feel obligated to do anything but be taken care of. What
emotions does illness trigger for you?

Negative thoughts also trigger emotions. When we think we are not as good as someone
else, it triggers feelings. When we have proud thoughts about something we have done, that
triggers joy, contentment, guilt and others.

Anything can trigger any emotion. Even one emotion can trigger another. For example,
some people feel shame every time they get angry or sad. While emotions are universal
across sex, race, culture and gender, triggers are individual.

The three brains and triggers

Here’s an example: My husband’s desire to travel to Paris triggers my fear of flying.

My thinking brain says “This is so great. I love Paris. I can’t wait to go.”

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My emotional brain feels fear at the thought of flying. It generates new thoughts such as “I
don’t want to die. Is it worth the risk?”

My body brain causes my body to get tense. My heart rate increases and my breathing
stops for a moment.

Here’s another example.

David’s girlfriend, Jennifer, has two daughters who stay over every other weekend. It triggers
many feelings, including fear of not getting enough attention and anger for his “suffering.”

David’s thinking brain says “oh no, the kids are coming this weekend. I think those kids are
too coddled. They need to be more independent and better disciplined. Jennifer doesn’t care
about me. Maybe I should end the relationship.“

David’s emotional brain triggers the sadness of feeling alone and anger directed to both
Jennifer and her children. David has an impulse to disconnect from her and from his anger.
He also feels guilty about his thoughts and feelings. These many feelings all mix together to
cause anxiety, which is the emotion David is most consciously aware of.

David’s body brain trembles from anxiety. Anxiety also creates a knot in his stomach. His
anger causes his muscles to contract to keep the anger down. His heart beats faster and he
feels generally unsettled and agitated physically and mentally.

We all get triggered from time to time. It’s part of being human. How can we protect
ourselves and encourage our well-being?

We can control the environments in which we choose to put ourselves. For example, if I am
easily triggered into feeling shame about my body, I can hang out with people who make
me feel better about my body or worse about my body. Sometimes avoiding things that
trigger us is a good idea. However, sometimes we avoid situations that might be beneficial
for us in the long run.

We can work effectively with our feelings when we are triggered. We can get to know our
triggers well. We can learn where they came from and when, such as in childhood,
adolescence or adulthood. For example, highway driving triggers me because my mother
was terrified of driving and made me lie flat in the back seat when I was a little girl.
Sometimes triggers are fresh and new, caused by our natural survival core emotions being
set off in response to present danger or pleasure.

We can learn to move through our core feelings to feel relief, and we can learn to relate
compassionately to our shame and guilt to transform those feelings. We can also learn to
calm the anxiety in our body by grounding, breathing and other techniques. We can learn to

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challenge the thoughts our thinking brain makes in response to physical and emotional
distress.

The art of life is the balance between being vulnerable enough to interact with the world
and protecting ourselves from emotional triggers as best we can without overly restricting
ourselves. I like the emotional work and challenge of understanding my triggers, and when
possible, working to lessen them.

aetb/Bigstock

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Getting to Know Your 3 Brains Part 5: The Challenges to
Becoming Aware
psychcentral.com/blog/getting-to-know-your-3-brains-part-5-the-challenges-to-becoming-aware

By Hilary Jacobs Hendel, 23 September

LCSW 2016

Read more about getting to know your three brains: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4.

For most of us, at least initially, there exists an uphill battle to pay attention to our three
brains — even though it is ultimately very good for us. Since the foremost goal of humans
(from an evolutionary standpoint) is to survive external danger, we are biased to attend to
the external world. Looking inside takes willfulness.

Yet, we know that when our Self is aware of our three brains and “talks” to them, all of us
think, feel and function better. Why then, do so many people continue to suffer when
working with the three brains could help? Many good reasons!

Rightfully so, we are sometimes afraid, uncomfortable or reluctant to get in touch with our
internal world. Here are a few reasons that come to my mind on why deeply knowing our
internal world is hard. I bet you could add some more!

You forget to focus inward.

It takes too much work.
You choose not to know yourself deeply.
You don’t believe it will help.
You need the encouragement of another.
You can’t get out of your head and into your body.
What you find is too emotionally painful.
What you find, you judge as a personal flaw.
What you find feels physically painful.
What you find conflicts with your beliefs or morality.
What you find scares you.
What you find, you cannot assimilate, validate, or work with.
What you find causes awful sensations to be felt (i.e., the floor falling out from
beneath you or you feel like you will evaporate or disappear).
What you find you think others can’t accept.

These are excellent reasons NOT to be aware of the three brains and the SELF. Not being
aware then is a form of self-protection from all of the above.

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Obstacles can be overcome by tending to our inner world while we feel safe at the same
time. In fact, establishing safety as you get to know your internal world is fundamental to
everything I have shared in this series. None of us want to be traumatized (any more than
we already have been) by diving into our deepest self only to feel worse. I want to leave you
with the idea that it is absolutely possible to increase awareness of your emotional world in
a way that feels good-enough so you can reap the benefits I outlined in Part 1 of this series.

We can overcome most of the above obstacles above by first getting education on how
emotions and trauma affect us. We also benefit from learning how the brain and mind heal.
I recommend books on trauma, like Getting Through The Day by Nancy Napier, and books on
how the brain changes like Mindsight by Dan Siegel and How the Brain Changes Itself by
Norman Doidge. Education helps us understand that there are reasons for what we are
experiencing — it’s not just that we are “crazy” or “damaged.” As I have written elsewhere on
The Change Triangle, understanding the brain and how to work with our thoughts and
emotions, shows us a path to wellness that is predictable and makes sense. Education on
the brain reduces our shame about suffering and about needing others.

Sometimes we need outside help. Therapists trained in AEDP (Accelerated Experiential

Dynamic Psychotherapy), EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing), Somatic
Experiencing, and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, are just some of the methodologies that
emphasize the three brains. Or if you prefer doing it on your own, there are many self-help
tools like audiotapes that help guide you through your inner world. I love listening to Pema
Chodron’s Getting Unstuck and Unconditional Confidence. Lastly, I write notes to myself in my
iPhone calendar that say things like, “Remember to slow down and check in with your
emotions.”

I think of our internal world as an ocean. Depending on our viewpoint, oceans can seem
ominous and scary or beautiful and magical. Looking at your three brains through a lens of
fear, judgment, and physical constriction is like swimming in the undertow: Fear, judgment
and constriction will make your three brains seem like dangerous territory. But if we can
shift from fear and judgment to curiosity and compassion, we embrace what we discover.
We come to accept what we find. Thoughts, feelings and physical sensations become
experiences to work with for our own wellbeing. With practice, we get comfortable allowing
thoughts, emotions, and body sensations to flow as we notice them. When we can do that,
we have great power to heal from the past and deal effectively with life’s present challenges.

Approaching the three brains from an informed, relaxed, curious, compassionate, and non-
judgmental stance opens us up to seeing what’s interesting, beautiful, and colorful about us
even though we also feel pain. Then, when the waves of challenge or adversity tumble us
down, a “trigger,” we can ride those waves back to the shore, where calm and peace await.
We will emerge again each time wiser, stronger and feeling better about both our SELF and
others.

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