Burn

paper
without
harming
trees
Written by: zuhair
What to expect from this book
‘Burn Paper Without Harming Trees’, meant
to be titled ‘ A Humorous Approach To
Writing A Book’, is a book that is meant to
give you tips on writing your own book as
well as walk you through the necessary
steps so that you end up with a good book.
Additionally, personal experiences and,
obviously, humor will feature frequently
throughout the book. By the end of reading
this book, you should know how to write a
book, but whether you actually put those
words on paper is one of life’s mysteries.
Even if you don’t plan on writing a book,
you can still read it for the fun of it, that is
if you find it fun. Good luck, have fun and
thanks for choosing this book!
 Acknowledgements
I think it is important that I
acknowledge and thank all those
people who helped me in the writing
of this book, so first I would like to
thank my……..self and no one else.
In actuality, without God’s blessings
and his help, I could have never
written this. I would also like to thank
my family for supporting me as I
wrote this book, my teachers to
make me capable of writing a book
and my friends for doing nothing in
particular!
 TABLE OF CONTENT

Introduction………………………………........ If
Is it time? ……………………………………….. You
Is it a good idea? …………………….......... Were
What can I do?................................ Expecting
Generating ideas………………………………. Page
Gathering the necessary resources… numbers,
Researching…………………………………….. I
Planning and plotting……………………….. Am
Expanding the universe ……………………really
Naming the book……………………………… sorry
‘Bang’ goes the gun………………………….. To
Introducing the characters …………… Announce
Flashbacks………………………………………. That
Determination ………………………………… I
Waving the white flag………………………. Am
Killing off characters ……………………….. Too
Ending it all……………………………………… lazy
Perfection ………………………………………. To
Publishing your work………………………… Add
Baiting the audience …………………………them
Receiving feedback…………………………… here,
Dealing with jealous critics………………… Do
Implementation……………………………….. It
Again?.............................................. Yourself!
 Introduction
It sucks, but it’s true. This wasn’t supposed to be
what it is. About a year ago, I planned on writing a
science fiction book, which at that time didn’t seem
like a very difficult task, but oh boy, now after at
least five unsuccessful attempts, I’ve just cast the
idea aside. What you’re reading now is a book that
will go step by step to make your book writing
experience and the book itself a masterpiece. Even if
you’re here by mistake or because you had nothing
else to do, you might end up being motivated
enough to type your words on paper for others to
read. Now, I do realize that I myself am new to this
game, but I had and still have the burning desire to
write. You must note that I’ve written over a
hundred books in my time and I am definitely a
professional writer. I am sorry, that’s a typo, I
meant I’ve read a hundred books. I know it’s ironic
how I haven’t written a proper novel yet, but I will
be telling you how to do so. Don’t be afraid, you’ve
come to the right place! Whoever you are, whether
big or small, you have the potential to write, so ‘just
do it!’
 It is important to note that because writing on
writing is not a particularly interesting job, I will add
a hint of humor and my own cringy personal
experiences to make it readable for you and writable
for me. Also, if you are unable to detect the humor
or find it rude at times, please forgive me if you can,
if you can’t, it’s fine. So, when reading this book,
keep in mind, I will be making some jokes at your
expense, and if you’re sensitive, try being more
insensitive. If you read a little of this book and don’t
find it all that interesting or worth your worthless,
precious time, feel free to exit this book by putting it
back where they traditionally have belonged, in the
old, dusty bookshelf!
The main purpose of this book is to motivate me
and other writers to write, but that’s not all. For me,
this book is where I am talking to you as a friend
about writing. If you think you’re not worth my
great friendship and you think you might not be able
to retain the bond, then I think you have no purpose
in life. In this postmodern world where no one gives
a damn about anyone else, we, the writer and the
reader are talking and making a connection, sort of.
The fact that there are no limits to what I write
about and how I choose to roast you allows the
words to flow. Additionally, as this is my first book, I
can gather a lot of valuable experience which would
help me in the writing of my next book, if I ever
write one. In a nutshell, this book is mostly to help
me, while as a bonus, you get something too. That’s
because in the dimension I am from, that’s my
world, you’re insignificant there. Oh yes, now you
know my deepest darkest secret of how I’m a
nonhuman entity feeding off the emotions of those
reading the book, which makes me powerful, and
eventually, due to emotional overload, I will become
extremely powerful and rule the world! This is
actually the major theme of my science fiction book
I was writing. I might write it in the future, so be on
the look out.

Is it time?
One thing you need to brand on the back of your
head is the fact that it’s never too late or too soon
to write your first book. Obviously, if a ten year old
writes a short story, you can’t possibly expect it to
be as good as the work of Dan Brown because at
that age children have certain mental capabilities.
That reminds me that the ten year Olds of today do
have the potential to do great things, but instead
their minds are filled with memes, Fortnite and other
things I can’t quite mention here. Before you start
calling me a parent, I also love games and memes,
but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have enough time
for other things. The mental capabilities of a
thirteen, twenty one and forty year old are all
different, at least they should be. Experience is also
another factor that along with your biological age
can determine the quality of work you can produce.
Obviously, I am ignoring any super genius child who
has been writing since the age of minus three and
also that person who is the exact opposite. Now, I’ll
remind you that I am by no means discriminating
between people on the basis of their age, and if you
do feel like that is the case, consider getting an eye
check up.
If you keep on delaying it, saying ‘I’ll do it
tomorrow’, let me tell you, tomorrow never comes.
However, don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean
that you have exams approaching and you start
writing your romantic novella! I faced a similar
situation when writing my book, which I decided I
would start after my exams. In the meantime, I
planned and plotted out my book so I could get to
work without having to waste, rather, invest,
anytime on planning. Unfortunately, it’s sad how I
never got to even do a quarter, let alone the
complete book. On the bright side, I am still writing
a book, just a different one.
On the topic of time, let’s say school is over and
you’re free, don’t go on thinking it’s a good idea to
sit there in your writing spot and type away and do
nothing else or writing so little that by the end of
the summers you’re only done with two pages. I
highly doubt anyone will be on the former extreme,
rather, you would probably be leaning towards the
latter one. I am not saying it’s a disgrace to the
family to write only a couple of pages, all I am just
saying that if you want a full book, you need to
write it yourself. I think it would be helpful to add
this extremely famous quote which I just made up
while writing this paragraph, ‘A pen on its own can
do nothing, but with a hand, they still can do
nothing!’
Dedicating a certain portion of the day to writing can
be a healthy practice and the overall writing
wouldn’t seem like the ritual it is. Writing at night
when your eyes are bloodshot is not a good idea,
rather, try writing in the morning right after
breakfast, that is, if you have breakfast at nine or
ten and not after one, that’s called lunch by the
way.
A quick recap for any of you who just skimmed
through or someone with thicker skin on their head.
Start your book when you know you have the time
to do a significant number of pages, and when you
do start, don’t let silly Whatsapp messages ruin your
focus. Use your time wisely. Dedicate some minutes
of the day to writing, 45 to 60 minutes should be
sufficient. You can increase the time if you think you
can, but beware, pushing too hard would most
probably affect the quality of the work produced.

Is it a good idea?
There could be multiple reasons why someone, such
as you, might choose to sit down for once and type
away. A good reason to write is to make up for what
your hands have done. Don’t jump off to any
conclusions. What I mean here is that our hands
have sinned, such as the time when instead of
giving the dog food to the cat, you ate it yourself,
and other instances which cannot be mentioned
here, and writing would be the perfect action to
wash away your sins. Before any idiot thinks I am
actually serious, well, I am not. You can look at it
this way. Because you are busy writing, you would
think less about what you’re not supposed to, such
as how big of a failure you are. The basic idea here
is that due to your focus being on writing and not
something else, it becomes an effective way to
battle your addiction, any addiction. An important
point to note here is that you cannot counter your
addiction of excessive writing with writing even
more, that is, if any individual has such as issue,
which I highly doubt someone does.
Another benefit of writing is that it improves your
typing speed or writing speed incase you abide by
the traditional way. With your increased typing
speed you will be able to work faster at your
workplace, which might catch the eye of your boss,
which could lead to you getting a possible appraisal,
which could make you so happy that it pushes you
over the edge, and this excessive happiness could
make you start losing control over your body,
resulting in multiple organ failure, ultimately leading
to death. And just before you think this is an
exaggeration, we’ll, you’re wrong. This is exactly
how life works, deal with it. Other improvements
would include enlargement of vocabulary and lesser
spelling mistakes, which means you would no longer
have red ‘F’s on your science exams for spelling
mistakes and you can show off to your uninterested
friends how you now know the meaning of ‘foolish’
and ‘show-off’. Not that any of the two apply to you.
Other than that, while typing, you would look super
intelligent although this doesn’t necessarily
guarantee anything. Also, another very important
advantage of writing is that it utilizes your free time,
which instead of being spent scrolling down your
Instagram feed would be effectively spent writing,
hence, you might end up having a more productive
day.
When directly addressing the question ‘is it a good
idea?’, you should know that if you don’t know how
to write or make just too many spelling mistakes, it’s
best that you hang yourself. No, don’t do that, that’s
messed up. A better thing to do would be to hold off
for a while and read more books to get you on track.
The following extract will present to you how
spelling, grammar, punctuation and other mistakes
look like on actual paper and not just in your head:
I is staring down the chimmney. Suddenly soot my
noses. Safe me me cry. I a’m falling down roof. I
land on my ancle and crak my scrull.
If this doesn’t prove my point, then I don’t know
what will. However, you can also look at it in
another way. Such mistakes make the extract seem
slightly interesting, at least to me. I mean, who
doesn’t like those Pakistani people’s text where they
struggle to explain something, but fail miserably.
Not saying illiteracy is a joke, but such things are so
funny. So, if there is one thing you were supposed
to derive from this last chapter is that mistakes can
end up actually being works of art!

What can I do?

Now that you know that you will be writing and you
have decided to make room for it in your very busy
schedule which includes mainly eating, sleeping,
spending ten hours on Instagram and liking posts
from your friends and crying on not having real
friends, the next step is to decide what to write
about. You could write about your favorite sport,
car, person or thing to do. You must also decide on
what sort of writing you will be doing. Common
types include descriptive and informative. You can
also try becoming a fake Shakespeare by writing
poetry and plays or even write a book full of lyrics
that you wrote. I wrote a couple of lyrics, but
compiling them into one is a future plan, stay tuned.
If you’re writing a story, you can either do a full
book or write a short story, if you’re short on time.
A writing combined with a bit of humor or a full
joke book might also be your type of writing, but
you need to have a good sense of humor, which
might seem like something you have, well, I am
sorry to break it to you, but even if you’re the class
clown, having the ability to express humor in writing
is not even in the slightest way, simple. I am not
saying that I have the necessary sense of humor to
write a humorous book, rather, I think many others
can do so to, it’s just that humor in real life is very
different from humor on paper. Plus, who am I to
say I am better than you, it’s a known fact. Now, I
do know that sounds very arrogant, but don’t worry,
this is just on paper and for laughs, in real life, I try
to be as self depreciating as possible. Whatever sort
of, call it rude, call it edgy, humor you find in this
book, such as the times when I degrade you, the
readers, and call you names, it’s all just me messing
around. In actuality, I know you all guys are great
people. These are probably the most kindest
sentences you will find in the whole book, so mark
them.
Whatever you choose to write about greatly reflects
your personality and who you are, so choose wisely.
Someone writing a novel on teenage love has
probably never experienced it, at least the real deal.
Someone writing about plants and animals has
probably exchanged brains with their science
teacher. Somebody writing on how to rock on a
rocking horse is almost definitely a blockheaded, no
offense to anyone who wanted to do so, just
consider getting a check up with a local doctor, you
might have a problem. Lastly, somebody writing on
how to get away with murder has a corpse in their
garden shed, consider checking and calling the cops.
The genre you select will determine who your
characters will be, what would be some of the
settings and how will the story unfold. If you’re
writing a ‘fantasy’, dragons and magic are likely to
be present, while a ‘science fiction’ might include
time travel, extra terrestrial and high tech
equipment. Each genre has its own characters and
props which when used correctly can make up a
great book. However, to note here is that you are by
no means restricted to use only what is usually
used. You can try bringing space battles with
magical dragons, a detective trying to crack a case
on Mars an action packed fight scene with animal
disguised as humans or vampires feeding off zombie
blood, etc. The list just goes on. Genre fusion is
definitely a great idea, but make sure at the end
everything fits in.
I do realize that someone writing an informative
book or an autobiography might not find the above
that helpful. Well, anyone who is writing about how
your life as a teenager being very depressing, let me
tell you, that’s normal. You start to change into a
different person, which some people don’t want to
accept, thus, they make life hell for you. For anyone
writing an informative book on baby pigeons, you
can do so, but beware, baby pigeons only come out
of their nests as adult pigeons, which means you’ll
have to invade the privacy and bring uncertainty to
a lovely pigeon home, which would make you an
animal abuser, resulting in a ten year sentence. Are
you willing to wear orange overalls for ten years just
for your book? The question is, how much can you
give to get?

Making the decision

Consider the idea of writing a book very carefully.
Once you start, you have to end it. In all aspects of
life, a start always requires an end. Make sure you
know what you’re doing, writing a book isn’t that
easy of a job. You know yourself and your
capabilities the best, so ensure you have the ability
to start, write and complete a good book. I do know
that what I am saying here is demotivating, but it’s
better that you know now then face it later. If you’re
feeling super lucky and confident, go ahead do as
you please, the chapter ‘waving the white flag’ will
feature a little later in the book, that’s where you’ll
find information on how to drop and abandon your
book without completing it.
Now, don’t be all afraid, I believe in you. Whoever
you are, I believe in you. I believe that you do not
have the mental capacity to do it! The question that
arises here is that who am I to judge you.
Individuals in this post modern world have the
choice, flexibility and diversity to do as they please,
but they must also take responsibility for their
actions, hence, it is not my fault that you were born
with lesser brain folds, not that that makes you
anymore worthless then you are, your brain along
with many other organs can be sold for huge
amounts. If you’re looking forward to buying an
organ, the best place to start would be the deep
web where murderers who have extracted the
organs of their victims sell organs like lungs, hearts
and livers. Although all this might seem very dark,
let me tell you, as a result of all these shady and
illegal transactions done on the deep web, our
economy is becoming better, GDP is going higher
and people are living better lives! Thus, even bad
can result in good. I am kidding, all of this dark web
stuff is really horrible and dangerous, don’t even try
searching it up, this time it’s not a joke.
Cutting it short, it is a crucial decision, make sure
you know where you’re sticking your hand.
Therefore, before making your move, ask yourself
‘with the resources in hand, can I pull off a good
book?’ If the reply your inner soul gives is a no,
which is probably the case, consider selling your soul
to the devil. No, don’t do that, you’ll regret it.

Generating ideas
This step can be quite simply tackled. Just upgrade
your brain to level 45 to unlock the idea generator.
Sadly, no such thing exists, at least now and from
what I know. On the bright side, this is not a very
difficult task. You can ideas from quite literally
anywhere. You can go outside to your garden and
write down some descriptive sentences for possibly
a scene taking place in a natural, green setting in
your book. When I was super frustrated with my
book, I stopped for a while, had a swim and jotted
down a quick descriptive account on the way back,
which I am really happy about. Have a look:
Not fully Grey, nor fully blue, the sky radiated a hint
of purple. Buildings arose and fell like huge saplings
growing and dying, as the car sped through the city.
It was going at a rate way more than the limit, but it
didn’t matter, at least to the man inside. If anyone
was awake and looking out of their balcony, they
would see a zooming black shadow, which they
would probably dismiss as a fault in their eye.
If you like it I’m glad, if not, you probably have a
very bad taste in writing! So, like me, you can do
any refreshing activity, such as swimming (to make
the ideas flowing in even better, try staying down
underwater for longer than your breath. You will
then feel water breaking into your body through
your mouth, nothing to be surprised off, this is a
perfectly normal condition. As soon as everything
starts going dark, you’ll feel the best ideas coming
to you. I am glad I could help), then try taking ideas
from your surroundings, such as the pool itself, your
garden, a restaurant, the sky outside, etc.
Generating ideas isn’t very quick, so don’t be
surprised when none come. Be open minded, look at
everything from a different perspective, the
perspective of the protagonist in a particular chapter
or throughout the book. Let’s say, our protagonist
has lost his son in a car accident, you will now have
to look at the sky, garden, home, people, other
children, etc. with the loss of the protagonist
bearing down on you. So when you’re staring at the
pool, you’d see, playing the role of the protagonist,
smiling, happy families . Children would be laughing
and splashing around in the pool, while your child
isn’t alive anymore to do either of those things. How
would it feel to lose something you hold so dear and
then to see others enjoying that very thing? A
slightly sad and depressing paragraph, but that’s a
very good way to get very relevant and emotional
ideas that can up your game.
Another way you can generate ideas is by looking at
the work of other great writers. If you’re writing
horror or even otherwise, Darren Shan and R.L Stine
have stunning books with descriptive accounts of
fear. I wouldn’t say R.L Stine’s Goosebumps is very
scary, but it still is a work of art, which explains its
popularity amongst young readers. Darren Shan on
the other hand writes books for an older audience,
which explains why you might find it frightening at
times, at least to me. A book of his I read (can’t
remember the name) had this too vivid, descriptive
account of how a young person gets maggots in
their eyes. It states that the character tries getting
the maggots out by scratching into their empty eye
socket. This is probably the only thing I can
remember from that book due to its horror.
Other great writers include Lee Child, Anthony
Horwitz, Joseph Delaney and off course, Dan Brown.
Keep in mind that I chose to put these names here
because I find their books great, but this doesn’t
mean that other writers suck, it just means that
their books are really bad! I am kidding, I just put
these names in here because these came to my
mind. A book I personally really enjoyed and
considered my favorite is Andrew Gross’s ‘The One
Man’. Give it a go if you want, you won’t regret it.
Now, you don’t need to buy all these books because
I know you’re not filthy rich enough to make a fort
out of just these bestsellers, so just go with
whatever is available. Try looking for any book in
the dusty, old book self, untouched for a century, I
am sure you’ll find something. Another option is to
borrow a book or books, if you’re really into it, from
the library or someone you know. Lastly, you have
the option to buy the book from bookstore. Doesn’t
matter if you get one book, just make sure it’s
relevant to what you’re writing. Now don’t go on and
buy a ‘collection of Swedish swear words’ if you’re
writing on cute cuddly animals. The following extract
will explain what happens if you do so:
‘oh, look at that cute doggy!’ says the woman.
She proceeds to touch the dog’s head. The dog
stares dead into her eyes before he goes wild.
‘Helvete, bloody fitta fan’ she screams. ‘Get off me’.
Don’t any of you dare translate any of those words.
Now that I’ve told you not to, I am pretty sure you’ll
do the exact opposite. Curiosity kills, mark my
words! Done searching it up? By the way, as you
know, I am not Swedish, I just took these kind
words from Pewdiepie’s videos where he was
generous enough to teach nine year Olds how to
swear in Swedish. Next chapter!

Gathering the necessary resources

There is no possible way to wage war against an
enemy without arms, both, the ones attached to
your body and the one that you can use to end lives.
In relation to writing, you need to have certain
resources to write your book. If you don’t have a
laptop or any other device to write on or prefer the
traditional method of writing, it’s fine, nothing to be
ashamed of. Actually, there are a million reasons
why you should be ashamed of yourself, but writing
with a pen on a paper isn’t one of them. If you find
people making fun of you, tell them, at least you’re
trying to reach your goals by making use of what
you have, unlike them, who are just waiting for an
opportunity to knock at their door, instead of vice
versa.
It is important that you get a good quality pen
because when the pen feels good in your hands
(keep your corrupted minds to yourself) and when
it’s smoothly running on paper, you would write
better and be more confident about what you’re
writing, which can possibly lead to better quality of
work produced. I know it sounds kind of unrealistic
how the appearance and quality of pen can affect
the type of content you produce, but that’s how it
works, wind your head around it. The same applies
to a paper. If you’re writing on a low quality sheet,
chances are, you won’t feel as good and confident
about your work as you would when you use a
better quality one.
Now that we have the traditional way out of the
way, we have the common way of writing, which is
using an electronic device, such as a laptop. If you
have a laptop or computer you can start typing right
away, but let’s say, you don’t, that’s not a problem.
In this year, 2019, everyone has a smartphone,
even children as young as eight, you can download
any app which you think suits your needs the best
and proceed on writing. Now, I do realize that it is
this very hand held device, along with other factors
and reasons, that is responsible for people not
writing and reading books anymore, but if you have
what I call the ‘burning desire’ in you, you can
instead of doing weird stuff on your phone, use your
screen time more productively by writing. I am not
saying that using your phone is bad for you or sinful,
all I am saying is, it’s not helpful in most cases
either.
I think it would be useful to add my own experience
here, and if by any chance, you don’t want to read
what I have to say, you cannot skip this, because if
you try reading further against my advice, your eyes
will burn and plop into the hot tea you were
drinking. When I was writing my book, this book
you’re reading now, I used my phone. To make my
book writing a bit quicker and more graceful, I
bought a foldable, Bluetooth keyboard that fitted
into my pocket and I could carry it everywhere,
which meant I could type away as soon as any
opportunity approached. By the way, don’t even
think about copying my method, it’s copyrighted.
On the topic of resources, you must know that there
are unlimited resources so it’s fine to leave the tap
running. No, don’t do that. Resources are limited.
Your brain is a resource, it is limited, in all
seriousness. Your brain can handle a certain amount
of information for a certain time period, when you
try pushing the limits, it has a chance of shutting
down. For example, at the time of righting this, my
brain is at the verge of falling into the abyss. You
can say that I am edging! For all those nasty minded
people, edging is bringing anything to the verge of
finishing. Slide those eyes back into their sockets.
So, because of being tired, I am calling it a day
here, but that won’t affect you readers, you can still
go on reading. Such privileged people!
 Researching
This is a step that comes before planning because
you should first get your facts right. If you’re writing
a novel, research is less important, but you need still
do a bit. For example, if you have a car chase scene
going on in a country you’ve never been to or heard
about, you won’t know what the speed limit is,
whether people are still roaming around at three in
the morning, etc. Not knowing some crucial
information will definitely mess up your book. You
might even find people emailing you that in fact, the
speed limit in that particular country is actually
20km and not 180 as your book states. That would
be just bad.
Anyone writing a science fiction or fantasy book still
have a chance of getting away with misinformation,
but a book other than that needs to have well
researched information. Additionally, we have those
writing a ‘how to’ book, such as the one you’re
reading now, they need to do a bit of research too.
However, someone writing a book on how the fly
trap is actually a plant from Mars, is not in luck, your
book is supposed to be fried in facts and figures
because that’s how you’ll support your argument
and make people believe you. You can still get away
with made up researches, trust me, just have the
answer ready to someone saying ‘I couldn’t find any
such research’. Your response can be:
‘Look Madam, I have a military-grade computer that
gives me access to hidden information from
websites which are restricted to the general public
due to the sheer complexity of the information
present there, I fear that If you find that
information, you might never recover from the
agonizing trauma, it’s best that you stay out’.
Although there is no guarantee that anyone would
buy this, but I think it’s convincing enough.

Planning and plotting

Assuming that you made it so far, you’re either
actually interested in writing or you’re just enjoying
reading the book. Whatever the reason, keep on
reading. So, now that you have decided your
genre(s) and selected a topic to write on, you should
proceed to one of the most important steps,
planning. Ever heard that famous saying ‘planning
makes perfect?’ Yes, I am aware that I improvised
the saying from ‘practice’ to ‘planning ’, but who said
I can’t. Innovation is a very important characteristic
that a good writer should have. Innovation is the
name of the game. Innovation is the reason why we
have so many fantasy books with similar characters
and themes, yet all still have their unique twist,
making them all likable.
A good way to plan would be to list down all the
chapters you think should feature in your book.
These chapter titles/names can be changed later so
it’s fine if you don’t have very marvelous ones. Once
you have a list of chapters, add a statement that
best describes what is to come in that chapter. For
example, if you named the first chapter ‘humble
beginnings’, you can state ‘the origin story of the
main protagonist’ as the statement describes what
will be featuring in it. If you follow somewhere along
the lines, you should be left with a list of, let’s say,
twenty chapters, and a brief summary of what
you’re supposed to have in them. This is a smart
move because now you would have a time line, and
that would help you decide which piece of
information goes where.
Another way you can use to plan out your book is by
writing a proper one or two page summary of it,
covering all the major themes and major plot twists.
I am not giving an example here because I don’t
think it’s needed, and definitely not because I
couldn’t think of any. If you’re wondering why I
didn’t add a summary of my own science fiction
book here, well, that’s because I might write it in
the future, thus I can’t disclose anything from the
plot. If you do like this book, maybe look out for
that and other books too. Now, before I turn into
that desperate salesperson trying to sell something,
let’s move on. The salesperson who sticks his
business into other people’s noses.

Expanding the universe

If you haven’t guessed it already, this chapter is
about how to improve your vocabulary. Now, I am
aware that your mind only composes of memes,
inappropriate thoughts, jealousy, etc. but you still
have a chance on learning new words that you can
show off to people in your book. You can find so
much useful material online, that can really up your
book. I have been using this app called Poet
Assistant, which is just perfect for me. It has nearly
every word, gives synonyms to it and also gives
rhymes to it, which is very helpful to me when I am
writing lyrics.
Download which ever app or whatever website you
feel most comfortable with because, after all, I am
not the one writing a book for you, that is, unless
you unlock your supernatural mind powers and
somehow manipulate me to ghostwrite you a book.
Not surprisingly, there are other ways of making
others do as you want, I am sure you know those
ways!
Similarly, you can also improve your vocab and
express yourself better through words by reading
books. When you’re reading, have a notebook by
your side and as soon as you run over a new word,
note it down, my guess is that you’ll fill up that
notebook real quick. Once you’re done with a page
or a chapter, check the meanings of the new words
and then read the parts with those new words
again, this time you’ll understand it better, that is,
unless you’re absolutely dumb. The following is a
short story I wrote for a competition during the time
of writing this book. Over here you can see how I
would actually write a book, that way you can judge
how good or bad I write. Yes, it’s an open invitation
to judge me. You don’t necessarily have to read the
whole thing, just read how much you want. Whether
I won the competition or not, that is still not
revealed until a month from now, but that isn’t what
matters, it’s the effort. Have a look and enjoy:
Some of us knew we were contributing towards
mankind’s destruction, but there seemed to be no
way to slow down the inevitable process. It was like
you were stuck in this endless cycle where every
action you did had major implications collectively. If
you opposed the mighty wave, it would swallow you.
The Reminiscents were dying in strong belief that
they were part of a noble revolution, but, although
their donation is considered a significant contribution
by some of us, in actuality, they gave their lives for
nothing. Their resistance to conform to the Dark-
Truth movement portrayed the Reminiscents as the
real enemy. If they, instead of advocating that
suicide was a noble cause, joined hands with
everyone else and accepted infectology, there would
have been lesser wars and the world would have
been a better place.
Some of us still argue on how the Reminiscents are
the saviors, but when you look at how whatever
they are doing is only spreading violence and
individualism, increasingly, people have started
seeing them as the enemies.
The debate on the innocence and sacrifice of the
Reminiscents is however not the only problem faced
by us. People are dying everyday due to the multiple
diseases caused by the new and emerging
infectological gadgets. At the beginning when
infectology was first introduced in the early twenty
eight century, it seemed that it would bring
humanity peace and joy and give them the power to
fight back the non-human entities and the
extraterrestrials, thus eliminating all threats, but
something went wrong, at least that’s what they told
us. Over the years we have realized the truth, it
wasn’t a mistake, it was all planned. Now it seems
that it is our fault. None of us were innocent, most
of us knew of the dangers and the risk associated
with the use of infectological devices and gadgets,
but we were too engrossed in discovering the
abilities that God did not biologically give us. He
didn’t give us those abilities for a reason, but sadly,
we only found out when the toxicips had settled in
and destroyed our inner bodies.
Even though everyone knows they themselves
brought this upon themselves, we still kept blaming
the infectologists for discovering and studying
infectology, the wealthy for funding the research on
infectology, the Government for allowing the legal
use of infectological devices and gadgets and the
Reminiscents for not helping out when they were
needed the most. Honestly, it’s just a blame game.
No one wants to accept the fact that they messed
up when they bought their first infectologically
driven device.
The memory is branded to the back of my head. To
the fourteen year old me a sharp, mechanical claw
that would allow me to tear through metal was in
fact the most interesting thing my eyes had ever set
on. At first I thought the shop owner was joking
when he said 750 Rusties, but then I thought he
was drunk on some Malfunction, so I grabbed the
opportunity, handed him the money and was off to
my shed.
I only found out about how dangerous infectology
was after 15 years and hundred of upgrades to the
Clawaptor, but many experienced scientists
debunked it as only a myth. Fast forward to 2976,
the Government officially announced that within ten
years of using infectology, humans would start to
develop these toxicips that would start morphing
and transforming your inner organs into
infectological organs. As soon as I heard about the
deadly news, I was like:
‘Screw it!’
If I could have just simply thrown that evil claw
down the dump and everything would go back to
normal, it would have been great, but there was a
problem. I had used the Clawaptor for more than
the 10 years outlined, which meant the toxicips had
already most probably destroyed my insides. I would
have to live forever with infectology growing and
breeding throughout my body.
With red eyes and hunched shoulders I arrived back
home early from work. Katherinaline didn’t need an
explanation, she knew it. She had always loathed
that hunk of metal on my arm, but I refused to
abandon the object that gave me supernatural
powers. It’s sad how we turn a deaf ear to the
warnings, but when we discover the negative
effects, we blame others for not warning us enough.
Infectology is like barbed wire. Once you mess with
it, it entangles itself into you. Even if you somehow
manage to remove it from yourself, it leaves
unhealable marks on you. Gloominess always hung
in the air for me after that day.

An infected eagle fell from the cold night sky.

Perhaps if such an occurring thing would have
happened a millennium ago, a parent would have
asked their child to make a wish, but in the year
3007, there are no children. The Government
outlawed having babies, but even after the
Government fell, no one dares to do so. Someone
stupid enough to have a child is only greeted by the
Slayers who arrive with their deadly weapons at
your door and not only do they murder your child in
front of your eyes, but also wreck havoc and leave
your house wasted so that next time you don’t have
the luxuries to even think about having a baby.
It is true that if we don’t have children, there would
be no other generations and humanity would cease
to exist. Some of us with a little of our human hearts
left in our chests secretly hid their children, but the
slayers always know where to look. Our infectology-
ridden bodies are tracked all day. The second the
slayers detect certain movements and actions, they
add your house to their radar.
The eagle caught fire and erupted into orange upon
impact on the barren land. I was there staring as
pieces of metal flew around. The explosion was
nearby and if it would have happened a couple of
decades ago, when I had my human skin, I would
have gotten third degree burns. I flicked away a tiny
piece of burnt bird meat from my shoulder. I rose
and went back inside, after all, Katherinaline wasn’t
there to call me inside. The thought of Katherinaline
should have brought me tears, but none came from
my green infected eyes.
I still reflect on that wretched day when we fought.
At that time my brain was going through
infectological transformation, so I had little control
over myself. I had found out that Katherinaline had
secretly reverted to be a Reminiscent, and I wasn’t
taking it. Now that I think about it, she did the right
thing.
‘Why couldn’t you have taken me with you, Kathy?’ I
croaked.
I could feel tears forming, but none gushed forth. I
threw myself on to the creaky bed. Never before in
all these seven years of being without her did I
thought of it, but now it seemed like the only way
out. As everything went dark, Kathy’s last words,
before she turned up the gas and made the sign
with her withered fingers, echoed through his mind:
‘Our sacrifice will always be remembered’.

Extreme pain in his back was what brought him to

life. He wasn’t on the bed, he was on the huge
boulder where he and Kathy used to sit on outside
the house. He raised his head and strained his eyes
only to see the house on fire. That sent waves of
shock through his body. He got up to fight whatever
dared destroy the only thing he had left in his life,
but then he realized his mistake.
He recognized the familiar masked faces. He typed
in commands on the screen on the Clawaptor. His
greyish skin suddenly started evolving into patches
of metal. He was a menacing and dangerous sight to
look at, but when you looked at the three
opponents, you knew the war had ended before it
even started. There was no need for a gunshot to
signify the death match. All three Slayers rushed
forward developing thicker shells on their bodies.
Canons formed on their arms and their hands grew
large claws.
With his huge claws, he tore apart the metal formed
on the first Slayer and dug Clawaptor inside. A
second later, that slayer was blasted a hundred
meters away. The other two caught him from the
sides. One of them generated a sharp long knife,
and seconds later, Clawaptor along with the rest of
the arm was wriggling uncomfortably on the sand.
There was only little blood gushing as most of his
body had been taken over by infectology.
It was useless struggling. He then did what he was
destined to do since the start. He raised the three
fingers of his right hand, held then for three seconds
and shut them, while he muttered the same words
every Reminiscent muttered:
‘Our sacrifice will always be remembered’.
Ten seconds later, only a body sliced in half
remained.
 Naming the book
Your book’s title is the first thing your unsuspecting
victim will cast their innocent eyes on, so it has to
be a very good bait. Look at it this way, your
readers are like fish, your book is the hook and your
title is the bait. So, if the fish find a bigger and
better bait next to yours, they’ll slide their throats
willingly on to competing books. Now as I am
looking back at the previous sentence, I realize that
I just upgraded your book to the level of other
books. I don’t know what sort of thing you write or
how well you write, but just to get the point across,
your book has a potential to compete with amazing
books. After all, no book starts with a sliver spoon
between its pages, every book and its writer is once
insignificant.
When deciding on the title you have two options, to
add a title that makes it obvious what the book is
about, such as the title ‘Digital Fortress’ makes it
obvious that we’ll be dealing with technology, but on
the other hand, we have a title that is very different
from what is to come in the book, such as the title
‘HELLO… I LOVE YOU! GOOD BYE!’ seems
completely like romance, but it actually is a sort of a
travel journal based book (with a guy dying to find
love!). For example, this book you’re reading might
have been titled ‘How to stab your brother when he
is asleep’, but then, that’s not it because it’s too
misleading. You need to generate a title that isn’t
too misleading, which means that the title somehow
links to the magnificent words inside.
There are certain genres where you can use slightly
misleading titles, such as comedy and action. I once
read a book called ‘survival tips for lunatics’, doesn’t
the title sort of give away that it’s a comedy? I think
it does, screw your opinion (this statement was
made by a person who thinks that just simply dying,
regardless you die high or you commit suicide, is a
noble cause, I mean how dumb is that)! Similarly,
there is an installment known as ‘Storm’. The one
word just gives away that it’s an action packed
book.
In my opinion, one worded titles are just too good
to be true. The one word creates suspense. For
example, if you see the title ‘OBSIDIAN’ written in
bold black letters sprawled across a grey
background, wouldn’t you want to at least read the
back? If the answer is no, I don’t know why you’re
wasting your time reading this book.
An issue I would like to address is that don’t be like
me, I didn’t finalize the title of this book till the very
end. I just called it ‘A humorous approach to writing
a book’, but I would strongly urge you to not make
this same mistake. It is important that you know
what you’re doing before hand. Believe it or not, a
title gives you direction. If your title suggests that
it’s about animals and plants, I don’t think it would
be advisable to bring romance in, unless you’re
some sort of a super weird animal lover. Now don’t
get me wrong, I am talking about people who have
a strange love with animals. You can thank me for
explaining everything you need to know
appropriately without using certain words.

‘Bang’ goes the gun

If you’re wondering how on God’s earth does this
chapter name signify the start of your book, and yes
it does, well, competitions and races sometimes
start with a gunshot to the air, and hence, the name
of the chapter. If you still don’t understand the basic
idea here, then I do feel the same regret your
parents feel every time they look at you. Interesting
and innovative chapter titles will definitely catch
your readers eyes, which might lead to them taking
a chance by reading your book and, possibly, liking
it. This is unlikely, but still.
The next step is to actually put all those useless
words you have in your useless mind onto the low
quality paper you’re printing or writing on. No
offense, but this was important to motivate you.
Yes, demotivating words motivate you, according to
a study conducted in 2013, which was never claimed
to be untrue because it never existed. The study
mentioned is just a product of my imagination.
Your imagination plays a very key part when you’re
writing a novel, especially if it’s a ‘fantasy’ one. The
following is an example of a fantasy book without
the writer’s imagination : The Dragon blew fire from
its mouth, but then, it realized that blowing fire from
your mouth can cause you to get third degree
burns. Moreover, another revelation revealed that
dragons don’t exist and one moment later, nothing
existed. The end.
Now, I do realize that the only reason why I was
able to write an extract without using my
imagination is by using my imagination. No, it’s not
as complex as it seems, it’s probably that thicker
skin on your head getting in the way.
It’s useless putting so much time in planning, when
you don’t actually write the book. This means that if
you have done the planning, go ahead and start it
because that’s why you wasted your extremely
precious time reading this very important book.
From my experience, I can tell you, the first chapter
or chapters might seem fun and interesting to write,
but believe me, it becomes a weight bearing down
on you when you get further. The best way to tackle
this problem is by leaping off the cliff. No, don’t
even think about that. If anyone actually does it, it’s
not my fault, it was a joke. By the way, if anyone of
you readers is feeling depressed and down in the
dumps, well, don’t be, try being more rich, that
should help! On a serious note though, if thoughts
about suicide do happen to corrupt your mind, seek
help.
Now, as I was saying, if you don’t enjoy writing the
later chapters of your book, try writing one of the
last chapters, which are supposed to be where
everything unfolds, hence, they would be more
interesting to write. Similarly, if you find even
starting the book very boring, consider starting from
somewhere in the middle, where you think you
would enjoy the most, then you can come back and
complete the earlier chapters you skipped.
The writer’s interest is a very important aspect of
writing that must not be ignored. As mentioned
earlier, I was writing a different book before, but
overtime, I realized that I wasn’t enjoying writing it,
which could partially be because of the fact that I
couldn’t express myself and had to go by the
personality of other made up characters. Therefore,
I put that idea aside and started working on this
one. If you’re reading this, then I probably
completed this book and really loved writing it.
A very significant piece of advice you should take
from here is that if you don’t enjoy what you’re
doing, you shouldn’t do it. This applies to all aspects
of life and not just writing. However, don’t even
think about leaving school because you don’t like
studying, this small contribution you think you’ll be
making to my legacy would only increase the
number of unemployed people dependent on
welfare state benefits, that is, if the country you’re
living in does have a proper welfare system. If it
doesn’t, you can try picking up leftover food from
dumpster 203 down the block, that’s probably where
you find the most edible of foods. Adventure awaits,
complete the quest, good luck unworthy warrior!
Another very important thing you should follow
when doing one of the first chapters is try to give
limited information. The following is an extract with
a heap of information dumped on it (just like how
you were dumped into the garbage can, then later
adopted by your parents): The twenty three year
old, unemployed, workman slouched down the
street. He was never coming back to this street, at
least not to work. He would surely try a different
profession, he was sick and tired of hammering his
fingers to the floorboards. Illegal professions had
always attracted him as he had gotten a taste when
he was younger. He had an advantage. He had been
to hundreds of houses, people trusted him, he
would give them a thousand reasons to not trust
anyone again. He smiled as he pictured himself
breaking and entering into house number 69, down
lane 5.
What you will read next is an extract with limited,
but sufficient information: He didn’t even feel like
looking back at that God damned building where
he’d spent the last three years.
‘what a waste’. He thought
Instead of chasing his dreams, he dropped out of
school and worked for a selfish employer who
handed him a hammer, a box of nails and a wrench.
The man had planned on changing his game.
Illegality always attracted him due to the exposure
to it from a young age. There were so many
customers he knew, he could take advantage of
their trust. Anyone staring at him through the fog
would clearly see his evil smile staring back, still and
unfading

Introducing the characters

A book without characters is like tea without sugar.
It Is not impossible to write a book without
characters, but it would lack a proper plot because
there would be no living, thinking being to follow
that plot, making your book, seemingly,
uninteresting. However, like there are people who
drink tea without sugar due to a medical condition
or by choice, there are writers who are unable to
develop good characters and their storylines too.
Your main protagonist can be introduced in the first
chapter by his or her name, but when I was writing
my book (which is now on hold), I noticed that if
you refer to the character as ‘the man’, ‘a creature’
or ‘the dark form’, it makes it a bit more
suspenseful, and if the readers like the character,
they might continue on reading your book, which is
exactly what you want, to lure your helpless,
innocent readers into a trap using your words, then
you an slowly feed on them, one by one!
In my opinion, a character going through some sort
of a problem, such as attackers trying to shoot them
down or them being chased by mutated gorilla’s,
can help stimulate interest in your readers as well as
focus more on how the protagonist deals with issues
surrounding him or her, instead of having to give off
much information. This is obviously a tip to be used
early on in the book and also depends on whether
you want to take my advise or not. Let’s say you’re
near the end of the book and you need to introduce
a character, you won’t possibly call him ‘the man in
the red cape’ or ‘the girl with massive teeth’, rather,
it would be more advisable to refer to them by their
names, if they have any. If your character is
unknown to the world, has no alias, let alone, a
name, then I don’t know what to do. I can’t possibly
consider every single possible weird thing that goes
on in your brain and put it down on paper, that
would make this book R rated.

Flashbacks
Flashbacks are a very common feature, featuring in
many books. It is useful way of giving information of
the past for context in the future. Flashbacks are
usually emotional scenes where a character loses
someone or something, sees some wrong and sinful
act (such as the one you carry out every other day.
Have some control!) that haunts them for life, etc.
The advantage you get from having a flashback
scene in your novel is that you get to give the
readers the necessary information about the past
without having to go by order from past to present.
You can slip in about two or three flashback scenes,
but you can definitely go higher or lower. Keep in
mind that if you try going from present to past, then
to an earlier past, then to an even earlier past, then
to a past earlier then that past and then finally back
to present, I am pretty sure you’ll mess up the
timeline really bad. Although the above was an
exaggeration, what I mean here is that you have to
try to keep coming back to the present to keep the
reader in reality and not in some forgotten
dimension.
As flashbacks are present in many, if not most,
books, you can try referring and getting ideas from
there. Additionally, although I haven’t searched it
up, I’m pretty sure you can easily find useful
material on flashback sequences on Google. For
those of you don’t know what Google is, well, it is
goggle spelt by three year old. On the topic of
spelling mistakes, have you seen these kids flying
around spelling these easy words wrong, while
spelling inappropriate words perfectly. Good job
kids, I am sure your parents are proud of you!

Determination
The only reason why you got till here is because of a
bit of determination in combination with possibly a
bit of interest. Everything you started and then
continued consistently is because of determination
and the fear of your parents. For example, since the
time you’re going to school, you have a habit of
doing homework. You have to do it, you’re
determined to so, although I am sure other factors
play even bigger roles here. Determination is the
reason why your parents still wasted money on you,
taking that slim chance that you might be cured of
your foolishness, but you let all that money go down
the drain. There are numerous examples of
determination, far greater than those that can be
mentioned here.
In relation to book writing, it must be noted that you
can’t go on to complete the book until you actually
feel the urge too. For example, at the time of writing
this, I really want to play a game on my phone, but
then my other side jumps in and reminds me how
amazing it would feel when I see the product of my
work in my hands. Something to pick here for you is
that you should look at the long term advantages
you would get from writing a book, such as getting
famous in school, getting a new phone, not getting
kicked out from home, not being deprived of food
and drinks, etc. If you’re taking away one thing from
this chapter, then it should be that if you dreamed
of writing a book, make it reality. If you sit their in
your room reflecting on your failures and the bad
luck you brought to your house, you’ll never get
anywhere. Now go do it!

Waving the white flag

I didn’t want to put this chapter in here, but this is
an important topic we will be discussing now. If you
haven’t guessed yet by the chapter title, this one is
about how to just throw those sheets of paper with
unreadable words into the trash can, yes, it’s about
giving up. When I was writing my science fiction
novel, I got so fed up with it that I had to hold it off,
so you could say that I gave up. The presence of
this chapter might help me and other readers who
stopped doing their beautiful work, to get up from
bed and do nothing else. At least from your failure,
social media sites can enjoy more users. I assume
every reader would be familiar with the idea of
giving up, losing hope, packing your bag and leaving
home. No, I am talking about giving up writing your
book. I did quite severely warn you in the chapter
known as ‘making the decision’ that writing is by no
means, in any way, in the slightest, easy, so think
about what you’re getting into. A great friend of
mine recently sent me something on Whatsapp. It
read ‘writing might seem a little hard when you
start, but once you’ve written for a while, you’ll learn
that it is actually, even harder’.
Therefore, you should have tested the water with
one of your feet, but instead, you used something
else, it felt good, so you jumped right into the
lagoon, and now when you’re desperately splashing
inside, you realize you don’t know how to swim. As
the water seeps into your mouth, filling up your
heart and lungs, you reflect upon your mistake, but
it’s too late. Then the lights go out.

Killing off characters

If you master the art of character killing, it
determines whether your readers will remember a
certain character. You need to kill off your
character(s) in an emotionally charging way which
leaves your readers grieving for your protagonists. A
great way to increase the bonding between a
character and your readers is by allowing them to
look deep in to character lives. A character who is
desperately trying to achieve certain goals in life,
but failing miserably is a good theme you can follow.
You can have your main protagonist Trying to
reunite their family, but due to the antagonist’s
soldiers marching in, the protagonist is unable to,
and dies in trying to fight back for freedom.
An important point to note here is that once a
character is dead, a revival isn’t always a good idea.
If you keep killing off characters and then reviving
them, it would lessen the effect of character deaths
on your audience. Think about it. A character you
love is killed, you would be saddened. He or she is
then revealed to be still alive, you might be joyful.
However, the character is then found dead in the
sewers, you would be sad again, but not as much as
the first time. If this death revival situation keeps
going on, I think it’s safe to say, your book would be
found next to a dead baby in the dumpster!
The idea about the effect lessening every time is
referred to as marginal diminishing utility. It can
apply to anything and not just character deaths.
Marginal diminishing utility explains why the more
you consume of a product, service or experience,
you derive lesser satisfaction from it. For example, if
you consume a glass of water on a very hot day, it
would feel absolutely great, then the next glass
would also feel refreshing, but not as much. The
third one even lesser and by the time you reach
your sixth glass, you would loathe drinking water. I
found out from an educational video on YouTube
that if you drink about five liters of water, which
translates to about 18 standard cups, you’ll die,
what fun! Want to give it a go? Tutorials on how to
die are available online, tell me how it goes. I am
messing around, I strongly condemn you from doing
any sort of such activities. Besides, why just die,
living is so much better, you get to be oppressed
and abused. What’s better than that?
If you came here expecting to see ways of killing
characters, well, you just came to the wrong place. I
am not in to murder and violence. If you’ve read
through this book, you should notice that I am a
non-violent, kind and generous guy. Okay fine, I
think the last part of the statement might be a bit
inaccurate, but overall, blood and gore are not my
thing. I’ll give you some helpful suggestions if you
want though, here you go. You can stab your
character to death, let an earthquake swallow them,
have a sharp tree branch slid into their mouth and
all the way through, have a huge stone smash onto
their head, let those fancy trap axes slice your
character’s body into three and have them fall to
their death from a tall building. That’s all the ways
of killing I was able to gather.
If you want to murder someone in real life, I
suspect, you might have a psychological problem. By
the way, murder is prohibited, so if you dare do
anything stupid, get ready for prison. If you’re under
18 though, you might have a better chance of
making it out because you are considering immature
and less accountable for your own action, so if you
happen to get caught doing something illegal, just
drop to the floor, say indecipherable words, cry like
a baby and look up to the policeman with innocent
eyes. That should work, but I can’t ensure anything
as I don’t have personal experience in this field,
unlike some of you.

Ending it all
You started the book, giving limited information to
your reader, making them crave for more, then you
slowly increased the amount of information you
were revealing, now, you will give them the final
blow, and leave them wanting more of what your
hands have produced. Although I am aware that
every step in the writing of the book is important,
the ending is a very crucial point where your words
can define whether readers will remember your book
as a great book, so don’t mess this up, like you
always do in every matter.
If the ending of your book gives insufficient
information, the reader might be confused (like you)
on what just happened, which might frustrate them.
I mean who else wouldn’t be. You read the whole
freaking book only to find that last pages have been
torn off, at least that’s what it seems to be. On the
other hand, a book like this can be a very
unpleasant device which you can you use to torture
your friends. They read the whole book and still are
confused on what, how and why. A problem here is
that people nowadays rarely read books, which
means your torturing device has a reduced chance
of getting to the victims.
Usually books have a happy ending, but instead of
that, when you let the bad guys or antagonists win,
it makes your book stand out from other books and
also allows you to add another installment in the
future. The prime example would be Avengers
Infinity war and Avengers Endgame, both game
changing movies. If you haven’t watched them, it’s
probably because you live underground with moles.
The ending can also be an abrupt cliffhanger, but I
doubt that the readers would be happy about having
to read the other installment to find out about what
happens next, which means you’d probably receiving
emails from infuriated and frustrated readers. This
problem an be easily fixed. Don’t give any contact
email or website, that should be an effective way to
keep out the mob!

Perfection
I assume that you readers find the chapter title
deceiving because there is no such thing as a
flawless human creation, but that’s where you’re
wrong. Your aim shouldn’t be to make a flawless
book, rather, it should be to make an amazing book
by putting in all what you have. There is a difference
between the word flawless and perfection. You see,
although both words are subjective, that is, what
you find perfect might be hideous for someone else,
they are on different levels on the scale. Achieving a
flawless book is not possible, but you can surely and
definitely perfect it. I hope that none of you knew
any of the things I just mentioned in this paragraph
because now I feel that you people might have
known and I wasted my time, just like you wasted
your parent’s lives.
You can achieve perfection by perfecting your
imperfect work. This statement was definitely not in
the slightest, obvious! Anyhow, before I tell you how
to perfect your work, you must know that whatever
you do, your work will always be criticized by
someone, and in the case of some of you readers, it
might not be criticized because no one would dare
read your horrible book. Before you try imaginatively
strangling me, remember, what is horrible for me
might not be horrible for someone else. Keep in
mind that that ‘might’ is a big ‘might’, that means
that everyone will absolutely loathe your book.
Saddening isn’t it? ‘Why don’t people ever take me
seriously?’, I hear you say, well, that’s because you
are not serious about people taking you seriously,
the people around you are just unsupportive, you’re
not doing anything good enough to make them gain
seriousness or you’re just straight up, annoying the
hell out of them with your meaningless, non-serious
attitude! No offense intend, thus, none should be
taken, and if sill taken, follow the following steps: go
to your kitchen, find the sharpest knife you can find,
stare at it for a whole minute, then put it back
where you found it and proceed reading this book.
Now, let’s get back on track. How to perfect your
writing? I would strongly suggest that you do not try
perfecting your imperfect work before you end it.
That means, by no means should you leave your
book halfway through and try fixing and making the
first half better because if you do, you’ll get bored
adding and removing information from an already
formed chapter, so it’s a big ‘no’. I mean, if you’re
not stupid, you should clearly see that this chapter
has been added after the chapter ‘ending it all’.
Make the connection, you’re not meant to make
another draft before completing one, try doing that
at your own risk. Not that I’m am taking any
responsibility for any of the things I’ve mentioned in
this book, in all seriousness or humorousness. I
might have asked you to stab yourself or might ask
you later on in the book to harm animals, but that’s
a joke. Partially ,this book is meant to give you a
good time, while you also learn how impossibly
difficult, demanding, challenging and rough writing a
book is, and that would motivate you to write your
own. Yes, that’s exactly how it works!
I didn’t go off track, it was important that you know
some things, things like the things you learnt the
time when you were an innocent ten year old,
untouched by the realities of adult life, and this
Neanderthal from grade eleven just corrupts your
mind. If this is not how it was revealed to you, but it
was actually you who corrupted that grade eleven
kid’s mind, well, bravo. You have a bright future
ahead of you!
As I was saying, when you’re done with your first
draft, then for the second draft try perfecting your
work. For example, let’s say the following is a
statement made in your book:
‘once I found out that I was stupid, I really loved it.
Now, I excel at stupidity’
A more perfected version would be:
‘I didn’t know then, but now I did, and it felt
strangely good. Fast forward to today, now I teach
the course stupidity 101 at the nonexistent school of
weird arts’.
As you can probably derive, perfection can include
elaboration because to make your writing better,
you can make it more descriptive, that is, add more
information. For all those of you who think adding
excessive information is a good idea, try it, your
book will be a bestseller. However, perfection can
also be achieved through word reduction. If you
shred out some unnecessary words, your writing
would look cleaner and neater. To some extent, that
is possible and works but the following extract will
explain what happens when you become too
generous in cutting down words:
‘Her resentful eyes pierced through eyes. The man
away. Something surged through her the next
moment know it, she was on top of him. The man
took a bunch of slaps to the . This was followed by
scratching. After she was gone, the man was
uncomfortable sight look’.
I hope you had a great time trying to piece this
extract together. And yes, I am aware that this cut
version implies some weird things. I figured that was
the best way to get my important point across to
you frustrated teenagers. Its not rocket science, it’s
human science, if that wasn’t obvious. What are
you, three? It’s fine if you have the mental capacity
and processing speed of a three year old, but I
would strongly urge you to go to school. It’s usually
never too late, but in your case, I think we might be
in overtime. It’s useless crying over spilt milk, so I
think it would be better to mop that milk and even
throw away the infected mop!
If you think the act of perfecting seems a bit
difficult, it’s fine because it’s not like you can write a
perfect book the first time. Take my book for
instance, does this, by any means, look even near
perfect. No, at least that’s what I think so. I am sure
you’ve heard of the famous saying (actually a real
saying this time): ‘practice makes perfect’. I think
I’ve also innovated this very saying and used it
somewhere earlier, do you remember it? Just
asking, I know you have more things at hand then
just memorizing my book, nothing to be ashamed
of.

Publishing your work

Although I doubt anyone would want to waste the
space on their bookshelf by giving your disgusting
book space on it, there is still a slight chance that
some blind, deaf or any other mentally or physically
incapable person reads your book by mistake, and
their mistake could prove to make your day.
However, the question remains, how on earth will
you find thousands and thousands of incapable
individuals? Well, do not worry, I have the perfect
plan. First you hire some scientists to work on a
formula that guarantees to make someone lose one
of their biological abilities, such as hearing, sight,
movement, etc. It might take a couple of years of
rigorous testing and perfection to create such a
formula, but you can speed up things. When you
hire the scientists, make sure to get all the possible
personal information you can get, such as their
relationships with relatives and neighbors,
passwords to their phones, number of people living
in their house, etc. Obviously such questions will
raise an alarm, but there is a way out of this too.
Hire scientists who are literally so engrossed in their
work that they forget about everything else,
including the fact that their family is at risk of
torture and abuse.
Now, in the dead of the night, capture the scientists
and their families. Make sure to knock first before
entering the master bedroom though! Upon arrival
at the lab, flick the families into a medieval dungeon
with the bones and the stones. Yes, these specific
steps need to be follow to make it all work. After
starving the families to about one and half day, let
the scientists witness their state. Next, bring the
scientists to the lab and ask them to work their ass
off and get ready with the formula. Now, hire a
team of CGI professionals and ask them to make a
fake video of the scientists families getting tortured
and killed. If you’re really feeling it, you can actually
order some torturing devices from the dark web and
just enjoy the screams in real life. Upon displaying
the video with clever timing, you should hear the
microwave go ‘ting’ and a bottle of green liquid will
be presented to you.
Thus, if you would have followed the exact steps
directed, you should have a way to make normal
people lose their human abilities, which would lead
to them making the biggest mistake of their lives,
buying your book! ‘Why go through such a painful
and expensive process just to sell a book?’ I hear
you say. Well, I am aware that you can sell your
book through other ways too, such as by advertising
it, but in order to get guaranteed sales, this is the
only way. I think it’s time for the disclaimer now.
Just incase some of you have lost your minds or are
or high or something, this whole plan was just
played for laughs, you should never do any of the
interesting things I’ve just mentioned. If you ask
me, the repercussions aren’t that bad, it’s just a
lifetime in jail, what fun!
On a serious note, once you’re done writing, it’s best
that you publish your work because you spent
possibly weeks or even months completing the book,
why not expose it to the general public. I mean, it’s
just that a couple of readers will lose their eyes. If
you are publishing your book, then you have two
options, publish it digitally or physically. There are
multiple apps and websites with many users where
you can post your whole book. A very famous
website is Wattpad.com, that would be a great place
to start. If you’re publishing it physically, you have a
further two options: self-publishing or asking out a
publisher. Self-publishing can involve you publishing
just a couple of books yourself, possibly by using a
printer at home. It is beneficial because then you
can always print out more books as you need them
instead of having to get a whole lot from a
publisher. However, you might mess up where the
pages go or the page might end up being too big as
you’re not a professional, you have to accept that.
On the other hand, although there is a chance that
the publisher doesn’t find your work worth
publishing and reject you, this still is a better option
as you get books with good quality paper and the
size is perfect. Additionally, publishers almost always
have an editor too, which means that spelling,
grammar, punctuation and other mistakes are
corrected before they wreck havoc on the paper. I
would suggest that you first try out a couple of
publishers for whether they can publish your book, if
you’re unsuccessful (which will definitely be the
case), you an try self-publishing or digital publishing.
An important point to note is that don’t think that if
publishers are rejecting your book, it’s not good, it’s
actually even worst than they think!
 Don’t be demotivated, we all know J.K Rowling,
right? I heard from someone that she had to go to
so many publishers before someone finally printed
the first Harry Potter. I am not sure about how valid
this information is, but still, it does seem like it
would be better if no one accepted to publish Harry
Potter, I mean, look at J.K these days, she’s
revealing these weird information about the
characters of Harry Potter. I personally like her
work, but currently as I am typing, I see the last
installment off Harry Potter staring back at me, and
it’s the fattest book on the whole bookshelf! I guess
that was the idea, to scare readers from reading it
just by looking at its sheer mass! No wonder it got
rejected by the publishers.

Baiting the audience

Now, we all know that no one can read your filthy
book without knowing that such a God-forsaken
thing exists. So, first you need to make that you
have conveyed to as many people as possible that
you have written a book. Now that they know, try to
use and exploit them. Exploiting is fine, we’ve all
done it sometimes. For this, you just simply ask
people to advertise your book, possibly on Snapchat,
Instagram or Facebook. In order to increase your
win rate, you can personally message them, which
would lead to you having a higher chance of getting
your book to New people. This is not exploitation,
it’s just using your friendship ties. Just make sure to
unfollow, unfriendly or block them after you’ve taken
the favor because they will be back to take a favor
from you too. I mean, why on God’s earth would it
be in any way a good idea to help out people, that’s
just silly. In reality, helping people out when they
need you is a characteristic that good people have,
develop it.
Other than using your friends, you can also print out
flyers. It’s not very expensive if you have a printer
at home. Actually it’s not that expensive even if you
get printouts from outside either because after all,
you’ll only want to print no more than five hundred.
I think that’s how many you should get. You can try
smacking people on the road with a couple of flyers.
Just think about it, while you get to reach more
people, you get to experience the pleasure of
irritating them too. I mean who else doesn’t seek
pleasure from irritating others, if you don’t enjoy
that, it’s probably because you were born a defected
child. I am sorry I had to break it you before your
parents did. It’s better you know now than be
bullied in university. The basic idea behind these
sentences and many other sentences through out
the book is Exaggeration. In my opinion, I was
gifted by God the gift of exaggeration. I’ll give you a
quick tip now. If your genre is comedy, exaggeration
is a very important art to master. I am aware that
this tip was supposed to be in a different chapter,
but I was too lazy to scroll up and find it. Deal with
it, and if you can’t, that’s not my problem.

Receiving feedback
If you’re that sort of a person who says ‘I don’t care
what people say about me’, in that stupid squeaky
voice, well, I got good news for you, you’re not
getting anywhere in life, that’s great, right? If you
don’t hear what others say about your work, you
won’t know what people actually think about your
book. In some cases turning that deaf ear proves to
be helpful, but in the case of understanding what
your audience has to say, you need to hear them
out.
Obviously, if you don’t drop an email address or a
website, you’re spared of the spears that would
have otherwise slid through your skull. However, if
you’re writing a book once, chances are, you’ll write
another, and in order to make that book better than
the previous one, you need to know how to make it
batter. How does that happen? You ask your
audience.

Dealing with jealous critics

Writing and completing a book is a very huge thing,
I’ll give you that, so if you did so, give yourself a
stab in the back, then rush to the hospital to get the
knife out. Anyways, when you’ve done something
great, other people might get jealous. For example,
have you ever envied that friend who goes on
multiple holidays throughout the year and posts
these pictures of interesting activities on Instagram,
while you’re slumped down in a dumpster, sucking
on the public wifi of a bank? I know life can be sad
at times, but that doesn’t mean you try to put a
spell on those wealthy people. If you actually want
to put a spell, I can tell you how to.
Firstly, in order to have the powers of the dark, you
need to be super diabolical. You need to be evil
beyond comprehension. I can’t give you any
examples on how to be that evil, but once you are
that evil, you should be able to contact the Dark
forces. After a series of bargaining, you should be
able to strike a deal with the devils. Once you’ve
carried out the extremely devilish task put forward,
they should then become your slaves, at least that’s
what they claim to be. Now, you can just command
them to do whatever you want.
I am joking, don’t do any of this stuff. Plus, I just
made it up. Even if this method is real, you need to
reach that maximum level of evil to get black magic
on your side. I am repeating it again for the
blockheads, don’t be an idiot and try contacting dark
forces, it’s messed up.
Now, as I was saying, jealousy is a serious problem
and by looking at your magnificent work, people
might envy you. In order to feel better, they might
try degrading you and your work. Give no heed. Nod
your head and once their out of sight, just tilt it to
the right to let the false critiques slide out.

Implementation
There is a difference between the people who want
to see you fall and those who want to see you rise.
Some people criticize you for your own good, so that
next time, you can make an even better book. Once
you have a list of what people think you should
improve on, which can include improvement in story
development or using better vocabulary, you should
put those problems into the problem solving
machine and solve the problem. Even if you’re not
writing another book, the criticism you get can
greatly tell you about what people expect from a
book. Accepting criticism and then implementing the
advices does not just apply singularly to writing, it
applies to all aspects of life.
I do realize that this chapter and the one before are
contradicting, but that is because your eyes are
damaged. I’ll explain it again. There are two
separate things: jealous criticisms and advices. For
example, when people say ‘you don’t know how to
write a book’, you shouldn’t let that affect you, but
when someone says ‘I think if you developed so and
so protagonists story a little more, it would have
made your book better, you should take their advice
and implement it. If that doesn’t explain my point
then I prescribe you to drink 5 liters of water. For
those of you who don’t remember (I mentioned this
earlier in the book), drinking five liters is supposed
to kill you.

Again?
If you’re reading this chapter and then actually do
another book, good job man, I like the
determination. I now realize that I might be framed
as a sexist for saying ‘man’ and all those radical
feminists would drown me in a waterless pool. Thus,
just for the sake of all those feminists, here you go:
‘good job woman (minus the first two letters)’.
I mean, when you get so used to the traditional
‘man’, saying ‘thanks woman’ doesn’t seem right. If
you don’t agree, I think we’ve just found a living,
thinking feminist reading my book! Put that book
back in the book shelf before it catches fire! I am
kidding, feminist or male feminist or not a feminist
at all, you’re reading my book, what an honor to
brainwash you! I can’t thank you enough
If you’re doing it again, go ahead. Don’t just stop on
one! If you’re doing it again, make sure that this
time the writing experience for you and the reading
experience for your readers is better than before. If
such is not the case, I don’t see why you would
write again. Let’s say, if your first book reached 120
readers, your next book should be able to get,
possibly, 100 of those and an additional 200 people
to read your book. If you think these numbers are
too low, I would like to see you try getting more.
Yes, it’s a challenge. If you get higher, I will reward
you with absolutely nothing, but if you lose, I’ll ask
your parents to sell you as a slave!

Thank you note

Although I think it would be against this book’s
standards to thank you for reading it, but I think I’ll
deviate from the norm, just once. Thank you,
whoever you are to actually complete this book, it
really means a lot to me. I can’t believe that
someone would read my useless blabbering, but
thanks, I forever indebted. However, although
indebted, don’t expect me to repay you somehow.
With that out of the way, if anyone wishes to
express any sort of advice, my personal email
address is the place to do so:
Overpowered.lumberjack@gmail.com
I would really appreciate it if you could actually
inform me that you read the book, that way I would
know how many people read it. I don’t expect
thousands of people to read it, so even a couple of
emails would make my day.
I think that’s about it, it’s the end of our journey.
Like with all things in life, there is an end. I think it
would be useful to add a quote by Tony Stark,
commonly known as ‘Ironman’:
‘Part of the journey is the end’.
For some reason the quote seems kind of
incomplete, but it’s not like I made it up.
That’s it folks, see you in the next book or even in
real life. Peace out!