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Anarcelo L.

Sicat

Professor, Rheo M. Paguibitan

Understanding the Self

5th October 2018

A Self Reflection on the Resonance of Love Style Eros in the Self

I remember the first time I fell in love, it was so wonderful. Nothing

else seemed to matter except the idea of being together. It was the

first time I pledged my all to another soul, and for her I was willing to

sacrifice all my plans for my family. I was willing to stray away from the

role of provider left by my father when he passed away. With her, my

dream was simple: get married, have children, and live life happily

ever after as man and wife.

For four years I would experience bliss, in a passionate relationship

that never seems to fall short of excitement. Whenever we were

together the feeling was so electric the air almost crackled with its

intensity. I promised to love her forever, and I believed nothing could

ever keep us apart, because “love” conquers all! On our fifth year we

thought we were going to have our baby and thus decided to get

married, and at that time I felt sure that I already know what the future

holds for me.

Sadly, like the fable of the moth and the flame, if you ever get to

close to something that burns hot and bright, most definitely you will

get burned. A day before our wedding day her family canceled the
affair and had it not been for my best man, my family and I would have

suffered the humiliation of waiting in church for a bride who will never

come. I was devastated beyond words. The romantic love that brought

feelings of euphoria overnight turned into an agonizing emotional

turmoil, that almost swallowed me whole. If it were not for my mother

who patiently nurtured and mended my “self” I cannot say for sure

where I would be now.

With such as painful ordeal, one would think I would be wiser, sadly

I would love again, and again, only to be met by the same bittersweet

ending. For a time, I thought of myself as a person of inferior character,

and rationalized that there was probably something wrong about me,

and would blame myself incessantly.

Over time however, I would go on to engage in more relationships

and I would come to terms with the fact that the whole concept of love

is an illusion. Eros was still there and I genuinely love the feeling of

being in loved however the bitter experiences I have had, made me

cautious about truly “caring.” And perhaps there might have been

opportunities to love that I inadvertently missed, because I could no

longer convince myself that there was genuine love, except for that of

my mother and my family.

I have been living for quite sometime now, examining, questioning,

and doubting the feelings of others who claim to be romantically in

love with me. Especially with women, because deep down despite
being hurt so badly, I am still in some way attached to that promise I

have made with my ex-fiance from long ago. Therefore, I sought the

company of men who are heterosexual, because I know if I ever find

bisexual males they would most likely try to draw me into a

relationship built in the so-called love. At least with straight men, the

arrangement was plain and simple, I get physical pleasure in exchange

for material things.

Relationships like these are cold and empty and I am aware of it.

However, I have preferred this kind of set up, secured in the knowledge

that I am not being lied to by anybody. I am detached, viewing

everything as a form of symbiotic arrangement. And I have been

convinced that I am no longer capable of falling in love in the real

sense of it.

I am therefore, astonished to find out the result of the test

regarding the love style I have. It is a relief to know that perhaps

somewhere in my unconsciously I have not lost the propensity for

romance. In retrospect, I was not entirely satisfied and at times I do

feel guilty about the way I have been handling my relationships. This is

a sign of hope that for all my posturing as a cold and manipulative

being I am still someone who yearns for love.

Right now I am still comfortable with being single, and I guess if I

take into consideration the sociological and environmental factors, my

psychology towards Eros is that if at the right time and the right person
comes, I would probably allow myself to follow the dictates of passion,

however, unlike in my younger days I will not allow it to consume me, I

will love passionately but this time I will not pour out all my heart till

there is nothing left to give. I will love myself as much as I will love my

partner whoever he or she might be. And if by fate I shall be met again

with heartaches I shall conclude my reflection with the words from Lord

Alfred Tennyson: “It is better to have and lost, than to never have loved

at all.”