A Christmas Carol

SCENE 1

MAN SHOUTING: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to one and all.

BEGGER: Give a penny for the poor, governor. Penny for the poor.

SCROOGE: My partner, Jacob Marley, dead seven years today. He was a good one.
He robbed from the widows and swindled the poor. In his will, he left me enough money to
pay for his tombstone. And I had him buried at sea.

CRATCHIT: Good morning, Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: what are you doing with that piece of coal?

CRATCHIT: I was just trying to thaw out the ink.

SCROOGE: You used a piece last week. Now, get on with your work, Cratchit.

CRATCHIT: Speaking of work, Mr. Scrooge, tomorrow is Christmas, and I was wondering if
I could have half a day off.

SCROOGE: Christmas, huh? I suppose so. But I'll dock you half a day's pay. Now, let's see,
I pay you two shillings a day.

CRATCHIT: Two shillings and a halfpenny, sir?

SCROOGE: Oh, yes. I gave you that raise three years ago.

CRATCHIT: Yes, sir, when I started doing your laundry.

SCROOGE: All right, Cratchit, get busy while I go over my books. Oh, and here.
Here's another bundle of shirts for you.

CRATCHIT: Yes, sir.

SCROOGE: Let's see now, 50 pounds, 10 shillings from McDuff. Plus his 80 percent interest
compounded daily. Money, money, money.

SCENE 2

FRED: Merry Christmas.

CRATCHIT: And a merry Christmas to you, Master Fred.

SCROOGE: Bah, humbug.

FRED: Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge.

SCROOGE: What's so merry about it? I'll tell you what Christmas is, it's
just another workday. And any jackanapes who thinks else should be boiled in his own
pudding.
CRATCHIT: But, sir, Christmas is a time for giving. A time to be with one's family.

SCROOGE: I say, bah, humbug.

FRED: I don't care. I say, merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

CRATCHIT: Well said, Master Fred.

SCROOGE: Cratchit, what are you doing?

CRATCHIT: I was just trying to keep my hands warm, sir. And what are you doing here,
nephew?

FRED: I've come to give you a wreath and invite you to Christmas dinner.

SCROOGE: Well, I suppose you're going to have plump goose

- with chestnut dressing.

FRED: - Yup.

SCROOGE: And will you have plum pudding and lemon sauce?

FRED: Yeah. Boy, oh, boy.

SCROOGE: And candied fruits with spiced sugar cakes?

FRED: Yeah. Will you come?

SCROOGE: Are you daft, man? You know I can't eat that stuff. Here's your wreath back.
Now out, out, out. Bah, humbug.

FRED: Merry Christmas.

SCROOGE: And a "bah, humbug" to you.

CRATCHIT: That Fred, always so full of kindness.

SCROOGE: Aye, he always was a little peculiar. And stubborn. Customers. I'll handle this,
Cratchit.

SCENE 3

SCROOGE: Yes, what can I do for you two gentlemen?

CHARITY MAN1: Sir, we are soliciting funds for the indigent and destitute.

SCROOGE: For the what?

CHARITY MAN2: We're collecting for the poor.

SCROOGE: Well, you realise if you give money to the poor, they won't be poor anymore,
will they?

CHARITY MAN2: - Well...

SCROOGE: - And if they're not poor anymore, then you won't have to raise money for them
anymore.

CHARITY MAN1: Well, I suppose...

SCROOGE: And if you don't have to raise money for them anymore, then you would be out
of a job. Oh, please, gentlemen, don't ask me to put you out of a job. - Not
on Christmas Eve.

CHARITY MAN1: - We wouldn't do that, Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Well, then, I suggest you give this to the poor and begone. What's
this world coming to, Cratchit? You work all your life to get money, and people want you to
give it away.(pause) Two minutes fast. Well, never mind those two minutes. You may go
now.

CRATCHIT: Oh, thank you, sir. You're so kind.

SCROOGE: Never mind the mushy stuff. Just go. But be here all the earlier the next day.

CRATCHIT: I will. I will, sir. And a "bah humbug..." I mean, a merry Christmas to you, sir.

SCENE 4

JACOB MARLEY: Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Jacob Marley? No, that can't be. Gosh.

JACOB MARLEY: Ebenezer Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Go away.

JACOB MARLEY: Ebenezer Scrooge...Gosh, kind of slippery. Scrooge, don't

you recognise me? I was your partner, Jacob Marley.

SCROOGE: Marley, it is you.

JACOB MARLEY: Ebenezer, remember when I was alive, I robbed the widows
and swindled the poor?

SCROOGE: Yes, and all in the same day. - Oh, you had class, Jacob.

JACOB MARLEY: - Yup. No, no. I was wrong. And so as punishment, I'm forced to carry
these heavy chains through eternity. Maybe even longer. There's no hope. I'm doomed.
Doomed. And the same thing will happen to you, Ebenezer Scrooge.

SCROOGE: No. No, it can't. It mustn't. Help me, Jacob.

JACOB MARLEY: Tonight you'll be visited by three spirits. Listen to them, do what they
say. Or your chains will be heavier than mine. Farewell, Ebenezer.

SCROOGE: Farewell. Marley, watch out for that first... step. Spirits. Humbug.

SCENE 5

SCROOGE: What, what, what? What?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Well, it's about time. Haven't got all night, you know.

SCROOGE: Who...? Who are you?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Why, I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.

SCROOGE: Oh, I thought you'd be taller.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Listen, Scrooge, if men were measured by kindness, you'll
be no bigger than a speck of dust.

SCROODGE: Kindness is of little use in this world.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: You didn't always think so. - Come on, Scrooge, it's time to
go.

SCROOGE: - Then go. Spirit, what are you doing?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: We're gonna visit your past.

SCROOGE: I'm not going out there. I'll fall.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Just hold on. Not too tight now.

SCROOGE: Spirit, look out!

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: What's wrong, Scrooge?

I thought you enjoyed looking down on the world.

SCENE 6

SCROOGE: Spirit, I believe I know this place. Yes, it's old Fezzywig's. I couldn't
have worked for a kinder man. Why, it's old Fezzywig himself. And all of my
very dearest friends. And that shy lad in the corner, that's me.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Yes, that was before you became

a miserable miser consumed by greed.

SCROOGE: Well, nobody's perfect. And there, there's lovely Isabel.

ISABEL: Ebenezer. - Ebenezer.

YOUNG SCROOGE: - Yes, Isabel?

ISABEL: My eyes are closed, my lips are puckered, and I'm standing under the mistletoe.
YOUNG SCROOGE: You're also standing on my foot.

SCROOGE: Oh, I remember how much I was in love with her.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: In ten years’ time, you learned to love something else.

SCROOGE: Why, it's my counting house.

YOUNG SCROOGE: Nine thousand nine hundred and seventy-two. - Nine thousand...

ISABEL: - Ebenezer.

YOUNG SCROOGE: Yes? What is it?

ISABEL: For years, I've had this honeymoon cottage, Ebenezer. I've been waiting for you to
keep your promise to marry me. Now I must know, have you made your decision?

YOUNG SCROOGE: I have. Your last payment on the cottage

was an hour late. I'm foreclosing the mortgage.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: You loved your gold more than that precious creature. And
you lost her forever.

YOUNG SCROOGE: Nine thousand nine hundred and seventy... three.

SCROOGE: Please, spirit, I can no longer bear these memories. Take me home.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST: Remember, Scrooge,

you fashioned these memories yourself.

SCROOGE: Why was I so foolish? Why? Why? What's this?

SCENE 7

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell... I mean, I smell
a stingy little Englishman. I think I do. Yeah, I do.

SCROOGE: Please, let me go. Don't eat me.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: Why would the Ghost of Christmas Present, that's me,
want to eat a distasteful little miser like you? Especially when there are so many
good things to enjoy in life. See?

SCROOGE: Mince pies. Turkeys. Suckling pig. And don't forget the chocolate pot roast with
pishmachio... With smishmachio... With: With yogurt.

SCROOGE: But where did all this come from?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: From the heart, Scrooge. It's the food of generosity.
Which you have long denied your fellow man.

SCROOGE: Generosity. Nobody has ever shown me generosity.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: You've never given them reason to. And yet, there are
some who still find enough warmth in their hearts even for the likes of you.

SCROOGE: No acquaintance of mine, I assure you.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: You'll see. Here we are.

SCROOGE: Why did you bring me to this old shack?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: This is the home of your overworked, underpaid

employee, Bob Cratchit.

SCROOGE: What's she cooking? A canary? Surely they have more food than that. Look on
the fire.

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: That's your laundry.

CRATCHIT: Not yet, children. We must wait for Tiny Tim.

TIM: Coming, Father. I'm coming. Oh, my, look at all the wonderful things to eat. We
must thank Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Tell me, spirit, what's wrong with that kind lad?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT: Much, I'm afraid. If these shadows remain unchanged,
I see an empty chair where Tiny Tim once sat.

SCROOGE: Then that means Tim will? Where did they go? Spirit, where are you? Don't go.
You must tell me about Tim. Don't go.

SCENE 8

SCROOGE: Where did...? Who are you? Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?
Please, speak to me. Tell me, what will happen to Tiny Tim?

SCROOGE: Oh, no. Spirit, I didn't want this to happen. Tell me these events can yet be
changed.

GRAVE DIGGER : I've never seen a funeral like this one.

GRAVE DIGGER : Aye, no mourners, no friends to bid him farewell.

GRAVE DIGGER : Oh, well, let's rest a minute afore we fill it in, eh? He
ain't going nowhere.

SCROOGE: Spirit. Whose lonely grave is this?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Why, yours, Ebenezer. The richest man in the cemetery.
 SCENE 9

SCROOGE: Please. No, no, no. I'll change. I'll change. Spirit, let me out, let me out. I'll...
Oh, I'm back in my own room. It's Christmas morning. I haven't missed it.
The spirits have given me another chance. Oh, I know just what I'll do. They'll be so
surprised. What a wonderful day. Oh, there's so much to do. Oh, so much to do. I can't go
out like this. There, that's better.

SCROOGE: Merry Christmas to one and all. Well, bless me. Good morning, gentlemen. I
have something for you.

CHARITY MAN1: Twenty gold sovereigns. Oh, no.

SCROOGE: Not enough? Well, all right.

CHARITY MAN1: fifty gold sovereigns.

CHARITY MAN2- Really, Mr. Scrooge, it's...

SCROOGE: - Still not enough? Aye, you drive a hard bargain. Here you are.
One hundred gold pieces. And not a penny more. Not a penny more.

CHARITY MAN1: Oh, thank you, Mr. Scrooge. Thank you. And a merry Christmas to you.

SCROOGE: Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Oh, nephew.

FRED: Uncle Scrooge.

SCROOGE: I'm looking forward to that wonderful meal of yours.

FRED: Well, I'll be doggone. You mean you're coming?

SCROOGE: Of course I am. You know how much I like candied fruits
with spiced sugar cakes. I'll be over promptly at 2. Keep it piping hot.

FRED: I will, Uncle Scrooge. I will. And a very merry Christmas to you.

SCROOGE: Merry Christmas, and keep the change. Wonderful lads.

And now for Cratchit.

CRATCHIT: Why, Mr. Scrooge. Merry Christmas. - Won't you come in?

SCROOGE: - Merry Christmas. I have another bundle for you.

CRATCHIT: But, sir, it's Christmas day.

SCROOGE: Christmas day, indeed. Just another excuse for being lazy. And another thing,
Cratchit. I've had enough of this half-day-off stuff. You leave me no alternative but to give
you...

BOB: - Toys.

SCROOGE: - Yes, toys. No, no, no. I'm giving you a raise and making you my partner.
CRATCHIT: A partner? Oh, thank you, Mr. Scrooge.

SCROOGE: Merry Christmas, Bob.

BOB: And God bless us, everyone.