Character Description
Name
1 Jules Bond An International Man of Wears a black jacket,
Mystery. Visits many bow tie, white shirt,
foreign parts, and meets slicked back
many interesting people - hair. Always armed for
sometimes very briefly. protection.
2 Bruce Australian surfer and
Danunder private
investigator. Bruce
has performed
various commissions
for the late Baroness.
4 Arfur Dailly A shifty character,
who knows many
people. Arfur has a
finger in many
business pies.
Dress Code Secret Assistant Question No Answer Introduction
Baron was not really a Molly Mahone Why were you 1 I was trying toThe name is Bond, Jules
Baron! Actually a spy watching the find out what Bond. In the course of my
for Moldavia. The Baroness's happened to work, I have met many of
baron dissappeared home? the Baron? you. Some of you
long ago on a secret understand the nature of
mission. my business. For those of
you who do not, let me
explain. I am frequently
employed to check the
provenance of valuable
artefacts from around the
world - and sometimes
even people. That is to say,
I find out their past
history. I work for many
people and everybody pays
me. Most recently I have
been working for the
Baroness.
Often wears Has been working Bertha Do you 2 Yes, but G'day Cobbers and
Bermuda shorts, an for the Baroness Broadbotham know what I'm not Shiela's. My name is
open-necked for many years to happened going to Bruce Danunder and ust
Hawaiian shirt and try and find her to the tell you! for you who don't travel
sandals (no missing Baroness's much, I'm an
socks!). Digeridoo son. Secretly son? Aussie. Strewth. Tie me
can be supplied if found him in the Kangeroo down.
required. first two weeks I've been invited to this
but has been on a gathering 'cos I've been
retainer from the helping out her Ladyship
Baroness for the with a few interesting
last decade in problems of a private
order to maintain nature. Whenever I get a
his lavish lifestyle. few minutes, I chuck
another prawn on the
Barbie, and go
surfing. Any of you girls
called Barbie? No? Well,
just surfing today them.
Never to be found Arfur has been Meg Mystic Who did 2 From Most of you know me. I'm
without his selling fake you buy the Professor Arfer - Arfer Dailly. You
trademark Trilby hat Egyptian artefacts Egyptian Nutty wanna get good gear
and camel coat. (bought from artefacts McNut! quick, I'm yer man. Or at
Professor McNut) from? least I know a man who
to the Baroness. can. Always gotta see yer
wad first, o'course, 'cos I
ain't a trusting kinda
geezer.
I've been flogging gear to
her Ladyship for quite a
while now. But all the stuff
what I deal in is blindin' and
fully aufenticated by me
close associates. So, I
never, ever does any
dodgy deals.
 5 Mulch the Mulch was the late Always wear Saw Dollar Moss Lucy Lastic Who did 2 Dollar Me name's Mulch. I'm the
Gardener Baroness' gardener Wellies and has sneaking around you see Moss gardener hearabouts. Been
for many trousers tied with the grounds, and sneaking 'ere longer than I can
years. Reputed string. Jumper with steal the Hippo. around in remember. Never goes
never to have left the holes or worn green the nowhere - never wants
estate. jacket. Always grounds? to. I does all me
carries a trowel. Ladyship's digging,
sometimes I does 'er
burying 'n'all, har, har - just
my little joke you
understand. But I sees
everyfin what's goin' on -
the good, the bad and the
ugly. Nuffin get's past me.
6 Samantha Local reporter for the Wears no-nonsense Steals her reports Pinky Beasts Are the late 2 Some of My name's Samatha
Snoop Daily Herald clothing. Always from other Baroness's them are Snoop. I know this because
newspapers. Usually carries pencil people. Stole a precious fake - it's written on my press
covers church fetes, behind the ear and report from a collection of perhaps pass. I'm a brilliant
but fancies herself as a reporters secret and ancient and investigator for the "Daily
a great investigator. notepad. anonymous precious
all of Herald". But they keep on
source of artefacts them! making me report on
information who real or Church fetes, coffee
says that the late fake? mornings, and birthday
Baroness parties. Yuk!
collection of I've been investigating
artefacts from away for ages now, trying
around the world to find out just what's been
are FAKE! going on at the
Manor. And I'm very close
to discovering
everything. Oh, yes, I am!
7 Classy International Beautifully dressed Sold the antique Molly Mahone Why did 2 I wanted Hi, I'm Classy - Classy
Galore hairdresser and and elegantly French Clock to you want to get Galore. I often get my
beautician. Personal coiffed at all the late the fake Basil profile in high-profile
stylist to the late times. Always Baroness. Tried clock? Bossy to magazines.
Baroness. carries a hairbrush. to steal the clock swap it for I used to dress the
back in collusion the real Baroness's hair -
with George clock hairdressing's my speciality
Timepiece and - and gave her the most
Basil Bossy. fabulous facials. You can
see my hairdressing and
facial skills in this
photograph of the
Baroness. Doesn't she
look absolutely fabulous?
Being fabulous is my
speciality, too! Don't you
agree?
10 Rt. Hon Hammy is a Tomboy Often wears smart Has worked out Meg Mystic Why was 2 Because Well, hello everybody. Isn't
Phoebe of the first and stylish men's why the Baroness the she was this a super
"Hammy" order. Very clothing and a hat. was killed, and Baroness close to party. Everyone who is
Hamilton sporting. Frequently who dunnit. murdered? finding out anyone is
found at parties. what had here! Super! I'm the Right
happened Honourable Phoebe
to her long Hamilton. My chums call
lost son. me "Hammy" - sometimes
they call me
 "Dishonourable Hammy",
because of all my party
antics. I always go to the
most super parties - they
are always super because
I'm there. Isn't that super!

12 Mata Hairie Describes herself as Dramatic and Actually also a Bertha Who 1 The Well hello. I am Mata
a retired exotic colourful gown, with spy. Was Broadbotham rescued you Baron. Hairie. I am an exotic
dancer. Seems to lots of feathers. A rescued from certain dancer, now retired. In my
travel a lot, and very mysterious dramatically byt death? younger days, I danced
knows lots of people. person. the Baron, before exotically with my exotic
he fell to his snake, in many exotic
death. locations, all over the
world. I have met many
exotic persons, fed upon
much exotic food, and saw
many exotic scenes.
14 Dr. Sue A famous Dresses for jungle Expert in ancient Molly Mahone Are the 2 They all Hi. I'm Doctor Sue
Diggett archaeologist and exploration at all Egyptian Egyptian all fake! Diggitt. I have been
explorer of times. Wears a hat, artefacts. Knows artefacts interested in ancient Egypt
mysterious and and always carries the Egyptian real or all my life.
ancient tombs and a map. artefacts are all fake? I am quite sure that I am
temples. fake. But, did not the reincarnation of an
tell the Baroness! Egyptian princess. I have
explored the whole of
ancient Egypt, from the
Pyramids in Giza to the
Temples in Luxor. I have
swum in the Nile, and not
been eated by
crocodiles. So, I must be a
real Egyptian princess.
15 Princess The Princess is 42nd Blonde and Actually not a Pinky Beasts Is the 2 Real I am Princess Stella of
Stella of in line to throne of lovely. Wears a Princess, really a French Moldovia, 42nd in line to
Moldovia Moldavia and always beautiful gown and spy - known by clock real of the throne, after all my
reminds people how a royal tiara. Jules Bond and fake? uncles, and aunts and
royal she is. Mata Hairie cousins. I am a Royal
princess - I will graciously
allow you to call me Your
Royal
Highness. Princesses are
always gracious. Don't be
too familiar with me. Even
gracious princesses do not
like familiarity.
16 Jeff Setter Jeff is a male model - Jeff's trademark Knows that Lucky Alice Has Lucky 2 Yes. He Good afternoon. My name,
the new face of appearance Spurs cheats at Hairband Spurs got cheats at sorry, is this my good
Cavlin Klaim. Has includes tight jeans, cards. Caught cards cards! side? Ah. My name is Jeff
recently modelled a fashionable T- him at it red- hidden in Setter. I'm the new face of
acne cream but still shirt and handed. his Cavlin Klaim, so I'm sure
has spots. sunglasses. sleeves? you all recognise me from
the pages of those glosy
magazines. Spot cream is
so important for a man
these days, don't you
think? Of course, if the
 spot cream actually works,
I won't have a job any
more. So it will be back to
the casting couch for me.

18 T. J. Lucky is a Poker Always carries Has been winning Lucy Lastic Does the 2 Not Howdy folks. I'm T.J.
"Lucky" player and playing cards - (by cheating!) at Baroness always. S Spurs, T.J. "Lucky"
Spurs gambler. He has some up his cards against the pay her he died Spurs. Everybody calls me
pitted his wits and sleeve. Dresses late gambling owing me Lucky, on account of the
luck against the late like a well-heeled Baroness. The debts? a lot of fact that always lucky! It's
Baroness. cowboy. Baroness owned money. a gift, a miracle.
him a lot of I hail from the US of A, and
money. I've been on this side of the
Pond for a few years
now. I've been catching
every poker table from
Halifax to
Bradford. Whenever you're
in a gamblin' mood, I'm
your man. Just call for T.J.
"Lucky" Spurs.
19 Clarissa Clarissa is a Elegantly dressed Has wanted to Bertha Have you 2 Yes, but Hi, there My name is
Bradshaw sophisticated New at all buy the antique Broadbotham ever tried to the Clarissa Bradshaw. I come
York socialite. She times. Sometimes clock., but the buy the Baroness from New York -
has travelled carries a cigarette Baroness always Baroness's always Manhattan, to be
extensively. An old holder and wears refused. clock? refused! precise. There again, just
friend of the late high-heeled to look at me, you'd know
Baroness and a shoes. that.
frequent guest at the I'm a very old friend of the
manor. Baroness. I've been a
guest at the Manor many
times. Even though I've
travelled throughout
Europe, Africa and Asia,
but I've always made time
for my old friend of the
Baroness Arabella. Such a
sad loss.
20 Ian Beasts Son of Amy Ian looks like a Actually the Molly Mahone Who has 2 Gabrielle Hi, I'm Ian Beasts. I'm a
Beasts. Adventurer young Indiana Baroness's travelled Le Fee well known explorer. I've
and explorer. Well Jones. Always son. Kidnapped widely in been everywhere, from
read and well- wears a battered by Amy Beasts as Africa, apart jungles to deserts, tombs to
travelled. leather hat and a baby. from you? dungeons. I've been white-
carries a compass water rafting, and been
seasick on all of the seven
seas.
And now I've come back to
visit my dear old mum, who
I've not seen for
ages. Ahhh...
21 Rt. Hon. Alex is a world Wears very trendy Discovered the Pinky Beasts Did you find 2 Yes. An Hello, everybody. Just let
Alexander famous and cool real African anything African me take your photograph -
Snootipants photographer. Artistic clothes. Always artefact hidden in lost in the artefact um, um.. I'm the Right
and carries a state-of- the grounds while grounds? that Honourable Alexander
temperamental. Has the-art camera. taking looked like Snootipants. Oh, yes, what
been photographing photographs. a Hippo. a perfect shot, smile for the
the late Baroness's camera. Say cheese.
house and grounds I'm a renown photographer
for years. -I've taked picures of
everything and everyone -
even the lovely
Baroness. You can see
some of my work here.
I really like to get into the
subject I'm photgraphing, to
study it from every angle,
close-up, far away, even
upside down.
22 Mr. Basil Postmaster General. Always wears a suit Was asked by Alice Have you 2 No, most Good afternoon to you
Bossy Struts around as if he and tie. Wears a Lady Beatrix to Hairband ever certainly all. My name is Mister
was a real General. medal (gained for replace the real tampered not! Basil Bossy. I have worked
long service). clock with the with the for the Royal Mail all my
fake one, by Royal Mail, life. I started as a humble
intercepting the or stolen a postman, and worked my
Royal parcel? way up. I am now the
Mail. Actually, Postmaster General, and I
didn't do so! am in charge of delivering
the Royal Mail
hereabouts. I've even got
a long service medal,
which I polish every night
before going to bed.
The Royal Mail is vital. It
must all always get
through, though it may rain
or shine. The Royal Mail
must be delivered, be there
frost, or snow, or ice, or
even sunshine.
23 Gabrielle Gabrielle is a famous Always very refined Travelled and Meg Mystic Who 2 Lucrecia Darings, let me introduce
Le Fee ballet dancer. She and elegant. Often performed in knows Diva myself, I am The amazing
has travelled and wears a ballet outfit Africa. Knows what Gabrielle Le Fee ! I am an
performed all over (including tutu). that some of the happened amazing ballet dancer of
the world. late Baroness's the highest calibre.
African artefacts
to the Themost amazing ballet
are fake. Baroness's dancer of the century. I
son? have danced my way
across the world, not once,
not twice, but three
times_amazing But with my
amazingng talent, what
else could I do ? My public
just adore me!!
24 Madame Madame is a famous Has a very avant Tried to steal the Lucy Lastic Who knows 2 Georgy Ooo La La. I am Madame
Foo Foo French fashion garde sense of clock in collusion that the Porgy Foo Foo, the famous
designer. She has dress. Always with George Baroness French fashion
frequently designed wears brightly Timepiece. has a son? designer. Chanel, pah -
clothes for the late coloured clothes my designs are much more
Baroness. and ornate jewelry. stylish. De la Choix -
pah. My designs have
much more style. Armani -
pah. My designs have far
more style.
I have designed stylist
clothes for the baroness -
just look at her
photographs. Such style!
25 Mr. Georgy Mr. Porgy is the A strict school Knows that the Bertha Does the 2 Yes, but Good afternoon, boys and
Porgy Headmaster of a teacher. Often Baroness had a Broadbotham Baroness he was girls - oh, and parents
posh public school wears a masters son. Has been have a son? kidnapped too. Got to keep the
(Rishworth?). cape and schooling him for a baby. parents happy you know -
mortarboard and years. The son is that's wher ethe money is.
carries a book of unawake of his I am Mister Porgy - Georgy
poetry. real parentage. to my close chums. Yes,
that's right - Georgy
Porgy. And I do like pie.
I am headmaster of that
posh public school
Heathfield. I am of the old
school, and I believe that
children should be
beaten regularly.
26 George George is an Wears a tweed Constructed two Molly Mahone Have you 2 Yes, but Tick, tock. Tick,
Timepiece eccentric antiques jacket and fake clocks (each ever made only twice. tock. There's always a
dealer, specialising cravat. Always a copy of one of fake copies clock in my head. George
in clocks and wears several the late of any Timepiece is the
watches. watches, and Baroness's antique name. Tick, tock. Tick,
sometimes carries a famous clocks or tock.
clock. artefacts). watches? I have been dealing in
antique clocks and watches
for many years, and I have
never found one I could not
fix. Sometimes you just
have to talk to them. Tick,
tock. Tick, tock.
27 Professor Professor McNut is a Always wears a Been working on Alice Why did 2 To make Har, Har. Who me? I'm
J. J. "Nutty" famously mad white lab coat and a secret process Hairband you visit the sure that Professor J.J. McNut. Har,
McNut scientist. Seems to very shiny black to make fake Baroness? the fake har, that's Professor Nutty
have developed a shoes. artefacts look like Egyptian McNut. I'm a professor,
crazy laugh in recent the real artefacts har,har. I do secret, har,
years. Has been thing. Has tried were still har, sorry, I mean "hush,
seen visiting the out his process fooling hush" stuff. Har, har.
Baroness late at on some Egyptian her. I have made some crazy
night. artefacts - and discoveries, har, har, and
then sold the invented some cracking
artefacts to the stuff. Har har. You'd never
Baroness. believe the stuff I can
do. No one ever beleives I
can do stuff like that! Har,
har, HAR.
28 Jerry Eastend dealer and Wears red braces Has been ripping Pinky Beasts Do you fuly 2 What's a Wotcha. Me name's Jerry
Moneybags stockbroker. He had and a red tie. off the Baroness understand Stock Moneybags. I've got loads
been known to Always carries for years - the Stock Market? money. I've been trading
advise the late loadsa money (in investing her Market? ever since I was a boy -
Baroness on wads). money and started in a market in the
investments and keeping some of East End of London. I've
money matters. the profits for worked me way up to
himself. Doesn't Todmorden Flea Market,
actually then Oldham Market,
understand the before discovering me full
stock market at all potential in the Stock
- just pot Market.
luck! Also been If you've got money to
ripping off Matt invest, I'm your man.
Ursnott
30 Dollar Moss An American racing Dollar usually wears On the Lucy Lastic Did you 2 Yes, but I Vrrrm, vrrrrm. I'm Dollar
car driver. Dollar has overalls and driving instructions of the steal was asked Moss, champion racing
been a frequent gloves. Often Baroness, stole anything to do it by driver from the US. Since I
visitor to the home of carries his most the African from the the was a kid, I raced
the late Baroness. recent racing artefact and Manor? Baroness. everything: motorbikes,
trophy. replaced it with a gokarts, formula 1 cars -
copy he made even a giant tortoise
himself. Lost the once.
real artefact when Racing is an expensive
he was chased by business - vrrrm, vrrrm -
Mulch. the cars cost a lot of
money.
When I was a kid I used to
carve my own trophies -
now I just win them - vrrm,
vrrm.
31 Vincenzo An Italian Playboy Wears a blazer, Has also lost Bertha Have you 2 Yes. I Chaow, Bellos. Hare are
Vincente and member of the cravat and money to Lucky Broadbotham lost money suspect you all? I am Vincenzo
international sunglasses. Always Spurs. at card Lucky Vincente. The fabulous
yachting club. ready for a games? Spurs of Italian playboy you've all
Mediterranean cheating! been reading so much
cruise. about in your fabulous
glossy magazines and on
the fabulous Sky TV
channels.
Everybody in Italy and
everywhere I go with my
yaght thinks I'm just
fabulous. And I am
fabulous.
33 Lydia Lite Lydia is a successful Wears a slinky Was an old friend Lucy Lastic Was the 2 No! Good morning. Yes, it is
nightclub sequined dress and of the Baron, Baroness's indeed morning to me. I'm
singer. Always in an elaborate hairdo. before he met the husband Lydia Lite, and the night is
great demand. Baroness. Knows really a my day, and the day is my
that he wasn't Baron? night. I'm not usually up as
really a Baron, early as this, but I've made
but a Moldavian a supreme effort.
spy! I am a singer in the most
wondeful little nightclub in
world-renown
Bacup. Being so close, I
could just get here in time,
 even though the night is my
day, and the day is my
nght..

34 Trinny A renown celebrity Often found Supposed to Bertha Do you do 2 No, none Hello everybody. I'm
Haddock chef. Famous for her wearing her chef's have supplied the Broadbotham all your own of it! Trinny Haddock. You will
fish dishes and hat and carrying a food for the cooking? have seen my TV Cookery
prawn cocktails. wooden spoon - reading of the programme, which I do all
even when in will. But, it by myself. My
evening dress! actually all came programme's so good,
from Sainsbury's! much better than the Two
Far Ladies - personally, I
think they need to
diet. And that Naked Chef
chappie - well, he really
should keep his clothes on!
Today, we're going to be
having a splendid spread,
which I prepared earlier, all
by myself. I always
prepare everything all by
myself
35 Lucrecia The latest catwalk Always dressed in Was close to Alice Who has 2 Bruce Good afternoon. I am a
Diva model and face of the latest Bruce Hairband been Danunde world famous model, the
Chanel. Beautiful fashions. Has a Danunder. Bruce buying you r. But he new face of Chanel. I am
and glamorous. Has penchant for large has been buying diamonds? doesn't the new body of Armani. I
modelled clothes for rings - preferably her diamonds am the new legs of Pretty
the late Baroness. diamonds! from his ill-gotten
buy me Polly. I am Lucrecia
gains. But now anything Diva. I am Italian, I am
separated from any Russian. I am all things to
Bruce more. all people.
Modelling jewelry is my
favourite. I just love
diamonds. I have a passion
for them. Diamonds are a
girl's best friend, don't you
know.
36 Ivory Tinkle A world famous Always dresses as Met the Baroness Meg Mystic Where did 2 In a Hello. My name is Ivory
concert pianist. Ivory if about to give a years ago, when you learn to sleazy Tinkle. I play the piano in
has been giving recital. Very elegant Ivory Tinkle play the nightclub. packed concert halls all
private lessons to the and refined. played that piano piano? over the world, from the
late Baroness. in a sleasy Albert Hall in London to the
nightclub. Sydney Opera House in
Australia. My audiences
love me - everyone enjoys
my piano recitals.
I also give private piano
lessons to the rich and
famous.
I was the Baroness's friend
- her best friend, her
confidente, in who she
confided everything. Well,
almost everything.