How to Deal With Difficult People The Bully
(Expert Practical Advice) By Dr. Tony Fiore
Editor's Summary: Bullying at any age is a serious issue
for those being targeted by the bully. However, if you are
a target, you don't need to feel helpless. While you may
not be able to eliminate the problems associates with
working with a bully, your own behavior and strategies
can make a difference. Here's some ideas on how to
handle the bully.
Sixty-four year old Bill was a married retired executive
who sought anger management help on the insistence
of his wife Ann.
After 24 years Ann could no longer tolerate his bullying
behavior toward her, their children, and their friends.
He would often relate in an insulting, "get in your face"
way using a loud, intimidating voice that frightened
her.
She often felt like a little girl who was being scolded.
He gave her orders with no thought for her feelings or
how others were reacting to his behavior. If he did not
get his own way, he would often pout or withhold
needed finances from her.
Tactics Of The Adult Bully
As this case illustrates, emotional bullying occurs
when someone tries to gain control by making
others feel angry or afraid. It is often characterized
by yelling, name-calling, sarcasm, mocking, putting
down, belittling, embarrassing or intimidating. Ann
said that they had no friends because of Bill's
behavior. He was forced into early retirement by his
company due to alienation of upper management.
Bullies Often Have Personality Disorder
Like many bullies, Bill had a deep sense of
insecurity about himself. He completely lacked
empathy or the ability to perceive how he was
negatively affecting others.
He honestly didn't see himself as the problem and
was constantly in dismay when others around him
were devastated or offended by his behavior. Bill
had what is known as a "narcissistic" personality
disorder. He was only capable of interpreting events
from his perspective. Pre-occupied with himself, he
had little regard or understanding of the feelings of
others.
Can Bullies Change?
While research shows that most bullies are unable
to make deep changes to their personality, they are
sometimes able to modify their behavior to the
extent that they are more tolerable. Usually, the
motivation to change is inspired by outside
influences such as employers, spouses, or children.
Bill, for instance, desperately wanted his wife back
as he truly loved her to the extent he was able to
experience love. Other bullies we have seen in anger
management classes decided to change at the threat
of losing their job. Jim, a line supervisor in a
chemical plant, fell into this category.
The Case of Jim
An "old-school" manager, Jim often yelled and
threatened employees to motivate them to produce
more, thinking his behavior would be seen as positive
by the company executives.
Unfortunately, too many employees complained,
resulting in his being referred to Human Resources
for intervention. Turns out, Jim didn't want to be seen
as a bully, had no awareness others were seeing him
that way, and most certainly didn't want to lose his
job of over 25 years.
Thus, he was highly motivated to acquire more
effective skills to relate to employees while still
maintaining a high rate of production.
He did well in anger management as he learned our
tools of anger control- particularly the tool of
"empathy" which includes increased social
awareness (seeing how he is coming across to others)
as well as more sensitivity to the feelings of others.
Unfortunately, not all bullies are as responsive to
intervention as Jim was. Many bullies remain bullies
because they don't see themselves as the problem. In
this case, you may have to learn how to cope with
their behavior, if you are in an unfortunate situation
such that you need to continue to be with them but
survive.
Four Ways To Cope
* Focus on the positive attributes of the bully and try
to ignore the negative parts. For instance, Bill had a
very sweet and generous side to him when not being
a bully - a side Ann could learn to focus on to survive
the unpleasant times.
* Be confident and look your bully in the eye. Speak
in a calm and clear voice while asserting yourself by
naming the behavior you don't like and state what is
expected instead.
*Create a distraction or change the subject. Try using
humor or a well-chosen word to disarm the bully.
* Give the bully's ego what it needs. For instance,
Ann learned to praise Bill more and give him more
credit and acknowledgement for things he did do
well. While this tactic is a little manipulatory, it
nevertheless worked well to decrease the number of
times Bill bullied her. And it allowed Ann to survive
a difficult situation.
Dr. Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist, marital therapist
and certified anger management trainer. He is a Fellow of the
American Stress Institute and a Diplomate of National Anger
Management Association. He has received advanced training in
marital therapy at the Gottman Institute in Seattle,Washington. In
addition to his active clinical practice, Dr Tony regularly conducts
anger management classes in Southern California, consults and
provides trainings to companies for anger and stress management, and
trains anger management facilitators. He also publishes a monthly
newsletter "Taming The Anger Bee." With Ari Novick, M. A. he has
recently published a new workbook/manual: "Anger Management For
The Twenty-F irst Century - The Eight Tools of Anger Control."
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Tony_Fiore
Dealing with difficult people, bullies
A problem, any problem, is the difference between what you have got and what you want. Whenever
you think this difference comes about because of someone's actions or behaviour, you have what can be
called a people problem.
It does not matter whether you are right or wrong in your thinking; all that matters is that you are aware
of a gap between what you have got now and what you want and believe is being caused by someone's actions.
The actions may be those of your spouse, your children, your friends, your colleagues, your subordinates, your
boss, your competitors - anyone, in fact, and even yourself.
Difficult relationships
Conflict or discomfort among people can result from a number of behaviors, including:
- Unbalanced teamwork
- Lack of support
- Disagreements over approaches to particular issues
- Competitiveness over areas of responsibility or expertise
- Political beliefs
- Or any number of problems that occur when people simply 'just don't get on'.

The common factor is conflict: a direct disagreement between participants. Disagreements consist of both
the objective point at issue and the subjective emotional involvement invested by the participants. Both elements
must be addressed for effective resolution. Resolving the emotional side requires you to understand the situation
from the other person's point of view. This can be particularly hard when your personalities are very different.

We cannot get on with everyone we meet. All of us have character traits that will cause difficulty for
others. We need to understand those differences in order to cope with them. We also need to understand how
conflict can arise in dealing with a difficult person. Different personality types react in characteristic ways in
conflict situations. Recognising these dynamics is the first step to coping with the situation, and you can begin by
recognising your own role: are you the difficult person?
Improving your own response to conflict
Some tips on how to react when faced with difficult situations:
- Learn to recognise and control your defence mechanism
- Learn to listen
- Be open and receptive
- Ensure that you understand what is being said to you
- Learn about yourself, your own strengths and weaknesses
- Try to work on your weaknesses.

If you feel that your own behaviour is not the only factor in the conflict, perhaps the source of your difficulty is
an inability to find a shared basis for communication. That's why knowing about different types of difficult
people can help; personality types are a framework to assess your responses to someone and so understand how
much of the problem is them and how much is you. You can then alter your behaviour accordingly in a
controlled way to get results.

There will obviously be situations in which you do not have time to diagnose a personality type, but there are
some useful tips you can use:
- Watch the person to see if there are repeat occurrences of the behaviour. If it happens more than twice, it is
unlikely to be an accident.
- Think about stress, not only for the person involved but also yourself. Stress clouds the judgement and alters
your world-view.
- Try talking on a personal level to the individual. It might not resolve the difficulty in itself, but it will certainly
help in your assessment of your mutual situation.

Sometimes an external facilitator or mediation service can assist when two or more people would like their
relationships to be better. This often prevent problems from escalating and keeps the control of the outcome
with the parties concerned.

The rest of this factsheet looks at seven distinct types of difficult behaviour and at tactics for handling them
yourself.

1. Know it alls
Symptoms: Apparently very confident, the condescensing behaviour is hard not to resent. A know-it-all may
actually know what they are talking about, but can equally fake or falsify knowledge to maintain the same aura
of invincibility. The know-it-all, however, usually brooks no opposition or admits any other opinion.

Coping: Be prepared is the key motto here: make sure that you have a solid grasp of all key facts. State your
position in a less dogmatic, more open way but be careful with correcting errors: leave them a way of saving
face.

This coping strategy is, at first sight, submissive, but the aim is to get the over-confident person to accept you so
that you can work together. Controlling a situation does not always involve being dominant.

2. Moaners
Symptoms: Complainers are usually easy to spot. They often are people who are very comfortable in the way
they themselves do things but feel powerless to change the issue at hand. They may be very prescriptive, so that
any deviation from their accepted norm is automatically a source of complaint. Complainers rarely offer
solutions, however, as a solution may involve challenging their own perfection.

Coping: The best initial strategy is often to take the moaner at his/her own self-worth. Listen carefully to the
complaint and summarise it back to show that you have understood it. You can then reflect the complaint back
to the person by asking for solutions: "What do you want to happen?" "How would you handle this?" You
therefore engage the moaner into the conflict resolution process and force the person to look for positive
responses.

3. Procrastinators
Symptoms: Delay and indecision characterise the procrastinator, but this does not necessarily imply weakness.
Apparently indecisive people can often have a particular solution in mind and they use stalling tactics until they
get their way, or they may simply be unable to represent their actual position confidently. Such people may be
highly sensitive to external opinion.

Coping: Procrastinators will often need your active support to make clear the reasons for their indecision. You
have to work to make communication easy for the person and instill confidence that they will be heard. Try to
avoid putting such a person on the spot: having drawn them out, work actively with the person toward a
solution.

4. Bullies
Symptoms: Hostility, anger and selfishness are all qualities associated with the bully. They may be immediately
apparent, or concealed behind civility and adherence to social norms. A bully's attempts to assert dominance
may sometimes take physical form.

Coping: Bullies try to overwhelm opposition, so you have to make your point cogently and with confidence but
non-aggressively. Give them the opportunity to say their piece: let the bully run out of steam and take a more
tractable attitude. If you feel in physical danger, maintain eye contact and try to get the person seated. You will
probably have to deal with the issue raised there and then. To that extent, the bully may be perceived as having
got his or her way, but the key thing for you is to discuss rationally the point in a way with which you feel
comfortable.

Persistent or serious bullying is a form of harassment and is covered by legislation. If you have tried
reasonable measures to cope with a bully and have had little or no success, you can take more formal action,
either by yourself or with the help of colleagues. Keeping a record of your attempts to deal with the bully may
be helpful later. Being on the receiving end of bullying behaviour is never pleasant and can be very stressful.
You do not need to be alone as you consider your best options and develop your coping skills.

5. The 'Quiet Ones'

Symptoms: These people handle difficult situations by shutting down, withdrawing all but the basic minimum
communication methods. This can be aggressive as well as defensive behaviour, deliberately withholding a
response to sabotage a process. The key difficulty is that because of the withdrawal of communication, you
have less information on which to assess the behaviour and plan your tactics.

Coping: You need to provoke some sort of response, so you should ask open questions which cannot be
answered simply by 'Yes' or 'No'. You may need to invest a good deal of time in this process. When they finally
do open up, engage with the person actively but sympathetically; let them steer for a while. If no response is
immediately forthcoming, end the situation yourself and arrange another time for a meeting. Do let the person
know what actions you intend to take as a result of the meeting.

6. 'Killjoys'
Symptoms: Killjoys disagree with anything put forward, and sometimes even with the process itself. Often, such
a person actively seeks to pick holes in whatever is presented, just for the sake of it. This person may have some
personal issues, but in work-related cases, such an attitude is often linked to a feeling of powerlessness and
disappointment.

Coping: The main strategy is to accept their pessimism while projecting optimism yourself. You can also raise
potential problems and negative points yourself, so as to pre-empt negative comment. Make sure all points are
discussed before promoting your own solution but ultimately, you may need to be prepared to take action on
your own.

7. 'Nice' People
Symptoms: Nice people cause difficulties too. Someone can be personally agreeable, apparently sincere and
supportive, but will they deliver? For them, keeping everyone happy can be more important than dealing with
solutions.

Coping: Since these people have a need to be liked, show that you like them. Then you can actually begin to
address the issues. Often this means dealing with personal matters before the real issue at hand, such as
enquiring after family. Often nice people make a lot of jokes, which can hide deeper issues, so listen carefully to
them.

Tips for dealing with negative aspects in others

1. When you see someone go into attack mode or excess defensiveness, recognise that it is useless to argue with
them.

2. Realise that the person is feeling very insecure at that time.

3. Don't continue to push them because they will only get worse.

4. If the symptoms only seem to occur when the person is under stress, wait until another time to pursue the
discussion.

5. If they are always overly defensive or always attacking others, you may need to find another person to work
with who does not have the same problem.

6. Keep your own sense of self-confidence and don't allow yourself to be verbally abused.

7. If the difficult person is your boss, reconsider whether it's time to find a job elsewhere.
How GroceryAid can help?
You can contact one of our Helpline advisers, use the Ask a Question or Live Chat features to talk through your
particular situation.

Further information

Stress Management - Dealing with difficult people

Direct.gov UK - Dealing with bullying/discrimination at work

Health and Safety Executive - Workplace Stress

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