WEEK 4

CONCERN

According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, concern is to relate to (something or someone),

to affect or involve (someone): to be the business or interest of (someone). Therefore, it involves

the someone or other to relate for us to be concern. According to Karla Maclaren, concern for

others is an empathic aspect that is both crucial and tricky, because if you’ve got too much Concern

for Others, you may expend all of your time and energy on their needs while you essentially ignore

your own. On the other hand, if you show too little concern, your relationships may suffer because

others won’t feel your interest and they will assume that you don’t care about them.

Interestingly, I find that some people who actually have a great deal of Concern for Others

may shut down their empathy pretty early in life because they simply don’t know how to meet all

of the needs they perceive; these people can appear to be deceptively low in empathy when, in

truth, they may simply be low in empathic self-care skills.For an empath, others tend to be endless

sources of fascination, frustration, confusion, joy, struggle, delight, exasperation, comfort, and

discomfort.

In service to this empathic need for engagement, some of us will focus all of our attention

on others and totally ignore our own needs until we burn out – and we’ll address empathic burnout

throughout The Art of Empathy so that you can balance your Concern for Others with healthy

concern for yourself.

The world needs empaths, sure, but your health and well-being are equally important. If

you burn out, it’s very painful for you, but it’s also a loss in the larger sense. If you burn out, we’ll

have one less healthy empath in the world. Self-care and concern for others should and must co-

exist.

On the other side of this equation is a lack of concern for (or a lack of interest in) others, and I’ve

put forth the proposal that unconcerned behavior may be masking or obscuring hyper-concern or

hyper empathy (or empathy that has not been supported).

When I see an obviously sensitive and empathic person who exhibits very little Concern for Others,

my suspicion is that they’ve burnt out already; I don’t immediately think that they’re incapable of

empathy. If you scratch underneath the surface just a little, you’ll find that some of the angriest,

most anxious, most arrogant, and most antisocial people harbor a profound well of concern that

they’re either unable to manage, unwilling to acknowledge, or both. It’s very easy for a highly

empathic person to burn out and retreat inward, and I’d even go so far as to call that process an

empathic tendency. In a world where emotional awareness is often low-to-nonexistent, such that

Empathic Accuracy is continually impeded and skilled Emotion Regulation is rare, being highly

empathic can be a pretty grueling situation of uncontrolled Emotion Contagion. We tackle this

situation head on in this book, but just be aware: People (and animals) you might think of as

uncaring and empathic might actually be hyper empathic and burnt out. And the way you approach

them can make it better – or worse.

Most of us are gruff, cold, or angry toward those we’ve identified as uncaring – but I’ll tell

you, empath to empath, that a complete and constitutional lack of empathy is rare. It is hundreds

of times more likely that seemingly uncaring others are burnt out or impaired in Emotion

Regulation than it is that they are pathologically empathic; therefore, approaching them somewhat

neutrally is a more truly empathic thing to do. Too much coldness will only cement them in their

isolation (and confirm their belief that others aren’t worth their time), but too much warmth might

feel threatening. When a person is in empathic burnout, they can be likened to real burn patients;

their defenses are down, and their emotional pain receptors may be hyper-activated. Gentleness is

called for.

Concern for Others is about caring enough — or having the time and energy you need to care

enough — to skillfully empathize with others. So far, we’ve looked at the first four aspects of your

Six Essential Aspects of Empathy. Today, we’ll look at Concern for Others, which is your capacity

to care enough to show true empathy and compassion for others. Let’s revisit the six aspects so

that we can understand where Concern for Others fits into the larger picture:
1. Emotion Contagion: Before empathy can take place, you need to sense that an emotion is

occurring – or that an emotion is expected of you. There is currently great debate about how

emotion contagion occurs, and how we realize that emotions are required from us, but it is

agreed that the process of empathy is dependent upon our capacity to feel and share emotions.

Empathy is first and foremost an emotional skill.

2. Empathic Accuracy: This is your ability to accurately identify and understand emotional

states and intentions in yourself and others.

3. Emotion Regulation: In order to be an effective empath, you’ve got to develop the ability to

understand, regulate, and work with your own emotions; you’ve got to be self-aware. When

you can clearly identify and regulate your own emotions, you’ll tend to be able to function

skillfully in the presence of strong emotions (your own and others’), rather than being

overtaken or knocked out of commission by them.

4. Perspective Taking: This skill helps you imaginatively put yourself in the place of others,

see situations through their eyes, and accurately sense what they might be feeling – so that

you can understand what others might want or need.

5. Concern for Others: Empathy helps you connect with others, but the quality of your

response depends upon your ability to care about others as well. When you feel emotions

with others, accurately identify those emotions, regulate them in yourself, and take the

perspective of others – your sensitive concern will help you engage with them in a way that

displays your care and compassion.

6. Perceptive Engagement: This skill allows you to make perceptive decisions based upon

your empathy and to respond or act (if necessary) in a way that works for others. Perceptive

engagement can be considered the pinnacle of empathic skill, because it combines your

capacity to sense and accurately identify the emotions of others, regulate your own emotions,

take the perspective of others, focus on them with care and concern, and then do something

skillful based upon your perceptions. Notably, in perceptive engagement, you’ll often do

something for another that would not work for you at all – and might not even be in your best

interests. Perceptive engagement is about the other person’s needs.

These six aspects of empathy build upon each other, and while Emotion Contagion tends to occur

instinctively, the rest are more intentional and can be developed (or calmed down in the case of

hyper-empathy) with the empathic skills you’ll learn in The Art of Empathy.

DOCUMENTATION

Prepared and Reported by

MICHAEL LOUIE IGLESIAS

ABEL SECRETARY
ABEL IV-3