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NOVEMBER 2018 ●

IS THE
WORLD
OUT TO stop!
Recharge &
GET YOU? reconnect
retreat special
The simple key
to an easier life ‘WHY I MEDITATE’
Sapiens author
LIFE SCHOOL Yuval Noah Harari
● Avoid regret INTERVIEW

Chris
● Take back

control
● Deal with
Hemsworth
bullies On his greatest
fears, challenges
and passions
16-PAGE

love of man
For the
DOSSIER

A NEW ERA FOR US ALL

Masculinity redefined for the 21st century
Test: Identify your unconscious beliefs about men
 Contents
NOVEMBER 201 8

* COVER STORY
Page
26
Page
106
REGULARS
7 EDITOR’S LET TER
Page
Page
60
46 8 LET TERS
Page
39 9 I’D LIKE TO THANK …
Page
22
Page
52 11 THE FIX
Page
62
19 HARRIET MINTER
42 DIARY

Cover: Mark Veltman/The New York 102 THE WORDS

Times/Redux/Eyevine
130 HAPPINESS BOOK CLUB

22 * INTERVIEW

Chris
FREE
Hemsworth
“I love my wife
£48!
GIFT WORTH

and children
more than I can
62 * THE DOSSIER
possibly describe”
Being a man in
FEATURES
21 PERFECTLY IMPERFECT
the 21st century
Beth Kempton introduces the
Be part of Japanese concept of ‘wabi sabi’

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PHOTOGRAPH: BONNIN STUDIO/STOCKSY
64 REDEFINING MODERN MASCULINITY
26 * MURPHY’S LAW MAKEOVER We ask five very different men what they
Things can go right, discovers need to escape the dangerous ‘man-up trap’
fledgling optimist Eleanor Tucker
and create a healthy future for all mankind
30 SHARED VALUES 70 THE LOVE CHALLENGE
The guiding principles and passions John Williams embarks on a special journey,
of country girl Kate Humble with Psychologies at his side. He wears his
32 MY LIFE, MY WAY heart on his sleeve in discussion with Ali Roff

we’ll send you a fabulous Muddy Stilettos founder Hero Brown

welcome gift! See page 78.
keeps her finger on the rural pulse
39 * KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON
Business guru Sháá Wasmund
tells us how to get through bad times
40 ‘I FEEL STUCK IN MY CHILDHOOD’
Agony aunt Mary Fenwick helps a
woman who wants to move forward
72 ‘MANLINESS IS TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS’ The UK’s first
triple amputee Mark Ormrod’s truly
inspirational and remarkable story
74 WHAT GENDER STEREOTYPES HAVE YOU
BOUGHT INTO? Complete our insightful
test to help you identify which patterns of
thinking are affecting your views of people

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 3
 ContentsNOVEMBER 201 8

FEATURES
44 ‘I DON’T WANT TO BE A NEEDY SINGLETON’
Our award-winning coach, Kim Morgan, assists
a woman through her emotional loneliness
46 * MEDITATION AND ME
Bestselling author Yuval Noah Harari explains how
the practice altered his view of himself in the world
51 ORGASMIC LIFE: IN ALL INNOCENCE
Karla Newbey’s sexual journey continues
52 * DEALING WITH BULLIES
The UKCP’s Sarah Niblock outlines a strategy
54 UNBROKEN HOME
Child of divorce Charlotte Gray’s guide to a happy
childhood with a double dose of parental love
60 * REGRETS, WE’VE HAD A FEW
Oliver Burkeman on managing the ‘if onlys’

THE RETREAT
10 6 * REST, RECONNECT, CRE ATE
Retreat Editor Caroline Sylger Jones’s selection
of meaningful getaways covers all the bases
1 1 4 MEET ME IN MARR AKECH
Discover the treasures of Morocco, ambling
through a scented souk with Leona Gerrard
#360ME
116 ALL THINGS BRIGHT…
Be brave and decisive and give your haven a bold 82 THE PL AN
blast of the colours that reflect your personality Expert advice in four holistic sections – Mind,
122 THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY
Body, Spirit and Gut – for happiness, and pleasure
Make ours a leisurely brunch with an inventive 89 THE OPEN MIND
take on mid-morning fare with Lantana Cafe Eminé Rushton considers compromise and
comes to a serene awakening in the quiet night

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WHEN YOU’RE TRYING to create positive change, 94
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THE JOURNE Y
Soul-seeking Ali Roff ponders the way we see
men and finds common ground in empathy
BAL ANCE PL AN
Paul Rushton runs through the most beneficial
and mindful ways to consume life-giving water
RE AL NUTRITION
An apple or two a day is just what the doctor
ordered, reveals Nutrition Editor Eve Kalinik

4 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
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 Kelsey Media, Cudham Tithe Barn,
Berry’s Hill, Cudham, Kent TN16 3AG
(01959 541444, email letters@psychologies.co.uk) CONTRIBUTORS

OUR TEAM Meet three of the people who have taken part
Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker in the creation of Psychologies
Design Director Lynne Lanning
Creative Director Laura Doherty
Features Director Elizabeth Heathcote
Wellbeing Director-at-Large Eminé Rushton
Lewis Howes
Associate Editors Danielle Woodward, Anita Chaudhuri Lifestyle entrepreneur
Editor-at-Large Ali Roff American athlete Lewis Howes is the bestselling
Features Writer and Digital Editor Ellen Tout
Acting Picture Editor Leanne Bracey
author of The Mask Of Masculinity and The School
Production Editor Vee Sey Of Greatness – ranked one of the top 100 podcasts
Deputy Production Editor Leona Gerrard in the world on iTunes. On page 64, Lewis
Contributing Editors Wellness Nicky Clinch, Elizabeth Bennett, Larah contributes to our Dossier about men, in which he
Davies Body Hollie Grant Spirit Annee de Mamiel Mind Suzy Reading
speaks about suffering a childhood trauma, and
and Will Williams Gut Eve Kalinik Yoga Kat Farrants Nature Paul Rushton
Retreat Caroline Sylger Jones Health Hazel Wallace how he finally found healing by opening up about
ADVERTISING & PRODUCTION it. Hear Lewis chat to Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker
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Mary has made a living through writing for the
MANAGEMENT
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Finance Director Joyce Parker-Sarioglu I love translating big ideas into simple words, and
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6 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 A new world order
As inventor Richard Buckminster Fuller said, ‘You never change
things by fighting the existing reality. To change something,
build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.’
Karla Newbey explores this on page 51: how to let go of negative
beliefs and patterns, so she can reclaim her sexual power.
Relinquishing old ideas and creating a new way of thinking
is a theme that winds its way through Psychologies this month.
In our Dossier, we examine how to move on from the era of
Suzy Walker
Editor-in-Chief, with Oscar
‘toxic masculinity’, asking five men what a new model might look the office dog

like. Let’s co-create a world in which masculine and feminine

energies integrate in a healthier way, so we can all flourish.
This means making room for evolved thinking with meditation.
As the inspiring Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens, says on page 46: ‘I realised that
the deepest source of my suffering is in the patterns of my own mind.’ But don’t beat
yourself up if you find it challenging, as Lizzie Enfield writes on page 26: ‘Parting
company with the paradigms we’ve always known is no easy task!’ She’s right.
And that’s why our Life Leap Club will support you, and encourage you to be
compassionate to yourself, and others, when life doesn’t go to plan.

FIFR ERE
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now! transform bedtime. See page 78.

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N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 7
Viewpoint
Send your letters to letters@psychologies.co.uk and tell us what you love about our
magazine. You could win a six-month subscription, plus access to our new Life Leap Club!
Star
self
letter
Sweet
freedom
Ellen Tout was put out that her attempts to help
and guide those closest to her were rebuffed, until
she learned more about what it means to be free
L
ast year, I decided to go vegan.
I made the choice for ethical
reasons but, after learning
about the potential health
benefits, I was excited to share them with
my younger sister. Since childhood,
she’s suffered from low immunity, so
discovering how certain foods can help,
I eagerly made notes and explained it
to her. She rolled her eyes, changed the
subject and dismissed the whole idea
– she’s often like this when I try to help
her. I felt frustrated and overlooked.
Later that week, a colleague told me
I should eat dairy otherwise I’d make
myself ill. I felt shocked and judged, even
though she was not the first person to
react this way. Since making the change,
people often take it upon themselves to
question my health and nutrition.
But the incident made me think. Was it
actually any different from how I treated
my sister? If I want to be free to eat and do
what’s right for me, then isn’t it true that
I, equally, don’t have the right to tell
others, even those I care about, what to do?
Recently, I met speaker and coach
56 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E S E P T E M B E R 2 0 1 8
Share with us…
Share your photos and comments on Instagram @psychologiesmagazine,
or tweet us @PsychologiesMag both using #PsychologiesMagazine
@JulieSpencer4D: Today, the
sun still shines; what a truly amazing day.
I have been nattering with the Life Leap
gang and they are all such lovely people.
@PsychologiesMag #bekind
@DrRadhaModgil: So honoured
to be interviewed by the wonderful
@daniellewoody14 for @PsychologiesMag
in its Shared Values feature. I love
Psychologies magazine because it aims
to spread positivity, share advice and
inspire people to reach their potential…
exactly what life is all about.
@Gaby_Deschamps: I just bought
myself a @PsychologiesMag magazine
today, which I think means I vaulted to ‘wise
old owl’ in one fell swoop! #enlightenment
Get your weekly fix!
8 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE N OVEMBER 201 8
Gabriela Lerner, who talks about freedom,
and how by valuing it in ourselves and
others, we can be happier. What Lerner
means by freedom is our freedom to
choose – to be and act as we wish without
judgement – and honouring the freedom
of others to do the same. ‘If you immerse
yourself in the idea of freedom and use
it in your daily life, you will find it gives
you tremendous power, independence,
strength and peace of mind,’ she says.
‘I love you, now do as I say’
The concept of freedom is particularly
important in our close relationships,
she says. ‘Long-lasting, healthy and happy
relationships rely on it.’ This brings me up
short; I believe I respect the freedom of
others but, in situations like the one with
my sister, is it possible my desire to help
could be interpreted as overbearing or
even controlling? Although my sister
and I are close, we often argue. I decide
to spend time observing my behaviour
around her, as well as with friends and my
partner, and try holding back when I think
I might be encroaching on their freedom.
EVERYBODY’S FREE
T0 FEEL GOOD
Thank you so much for the feature ‘Sweet
freedom’ (September). Having read the article,
it reminded me how much I value my freedom;
to choose what I want to eat and do with my
Lerner explains that there are common
situations in which we might believe
we’re helping, but actually we’re limiting
the person’s freedom: a kind of affectionate
body. By getting frustrated with others who
control. She gives me some examples:
‘When you acknowledge and value that
your partner is free to leave their socks on
the floor, you can negotiate over it without
dismiss my ideas, it not only makes me look
resentment, anger or judgement.’
Try to think about what has motivated
your partner to leave the socks. Are they
tired? Is your anger reflecting more about
judgemental, but like someone who my
you than them? Perhaps if you wait, and ask
about their day, they’ll tidy up in their own
time. If you choose to discuss it, do so from
a place of respecting their freedom, rather
family and friends don’t want to be around.
than judgement. ‘To be free, we must
consciously choose to value freedom above
being right, and to let go of judgement.’
She gives another example: ‘When you
I realise now that it’s not my place to comment
ILLUSTRATION: GETTY IMAGES
acknowledge and value that your parents
are free to do what they want with their
money, it’s easier to feel less resentment
when you watch your inheritance dwindle.’
or say anything to them, but to simply continue
Although my sister is an adult, I still
feel a level of responsibility for her, and
I realise this may be curtailing our >>> on my journey and, if they decide to join me,
then I have wonderful company! Rafina
@rosemary
katecouldridge:
ABOVE I’ve got a famous
mamma! #sark #chocolates
@luciianngiftedart: @suzegedney:
ABOVE Lovely surprise ABOVE Scrapbooking
when my favourite while the boo naps. Can’t
@psychologiesmagazine keep all these mags!
arrived through my letter
box. I was in the middle of @melodyhallsit:
painting and decided that RIGHT Looks like I’ve got
as a work of art itself, it some catching up to do with
deserves a go on the easel! @psychologiesmagazine
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 feedback
AN APOLOGY
FROM THE EDITOR Letter of
gratitude
Our magazine stands for

I’d like to thank…

acceptance, kindness and
self-awareness, and that’s why I’m sorry I got it so
wrong in the ‘Energy vampires’ piece (August). It
was not my understanding nor belief that people
with BPD are energy vampires. I understood the Phil, my mentor,
confidant and former boss
piece to say that one in five of us struggle with a
personality disorder. ‘Energy vampires’, however, are
full-blown psychopaths with no conscience. I have
since reached out to the BPD community and we I’d been struggling so much at work. Mental
are working together to raise awareness of this
illness is too often overlooked and treated
stigma. See our article on understanding BPD at
bit.ly/2M9dLfW. Suzy Walker, Editor-in-Chief with disdain. You, however, supported,
encouraged and helped me to recover, thanks
to your patience and words of wisdom.
PHOTO COMPETITION
When everyone was ready to give up on
I took this photo recently of my daughter and me, you protected me and told me I was
her partner on a local beach. I was inspired by the worth it. It meant so much. I wanted to
calmness of the evening and the natural beauty
succeed and be the best I could be – and
around us. It was just one of those unplanned
beach walks, but I chose this moment for many you helped me to see my potential.
reasons... the landscape, the amazing evening sky, In the end, I left my job with your support.
the appreciation of life and freedom, their love for I left because you made me realise that I
one another and their casual ‘madly deeply’ pose.
needed to pursue my dreams to be happy.
I’ll treasure this image for many years. Julia
And now, I am happy and free. I feel that
I can finally spread my wings and fly.
The
winner I will be forever grateful for your kindness.

Ash
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N OVEMBER 201 8 PSYCHOLO GIES MAGA ZINE 9

 The Fix
News I Reviews I Books I Film I Art I Ideas
EDITED BY ELLEN TOUT

“Inadventure
my opinion,
is
mainly in the mind.
Adventure is
an attitude
ALASTAIR HUMPHREYS ”
‘HOMECAMP’ BY DORON AND STEPHANIE FRANCIS
PHOTOGRAPH: ALEXANDRA OETZELL FROM

Doron and Stephanie Francis are passionate advocates of our connection with nature. In their book, Homecamp (Hardie
Grant, £30), they describe, ‘A surge of joy, a feeling of wholeness, a spontaneous connection to something greater. Those
moments when the sun sets or rises, sitting quietly by a mountain or the sea. There may be a shiver down your spine – a kind
of release. That sense of belonging.’ Whether it’s a Sunday stroll, or travelling through America alone in a van like Alexandra
Oetzell (pictured), the book shares the inspirational stories of people who made the leap to living closer to nature.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 11
The Fix
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

Hanging banner,
£11.90, notonthe
highstreet.com
Seeing you in me
Think of a friend. Reckon you would
recognise them instantly? A study** found
that those we’re close to can become
‘absorbed into our self-concept’, that is,
our brains may struggle to distinguish
their face from our own. Researchers
showed people a series of headshots
– friends, celebrities and their own. The
task was simple: press a button when you
see your face. Reactions slowed when a
friend’s face popped up, suggesting our
self-image overlaps with that of our pals.
OUR KINDNESS PROJECT

HAVE A HAPPY HEART

Author David Hamilton is an advocate of
kindness. Here, he looks at how reaching
out to others has cardiovascular benefits

A UNITED STATES CENSUS It turned out the close

in 1960 found that not one
person under the age of 45
in the town of Roseto had
ever died of heart disease.
What’s more, the death
rate from heart disease for
the over-65 age group was
less than half the national
average. Quite a startling
couple of statistics, given
that the US has the
highest rates of heart
disease in the world!
community bonds enjoyed
by residents was responsible
for the phenomenon – now
known as the Roseto effect.*
Close connections foster
kindness, support and
friendship: cardioprotective
behaviour which safeguards
the cardiovascular system.
In a nutshell, being kind,
supporting people and
Friends
nurturing your relationships cushions,
are good for your heart. £24.50 each,
andshine.co.uk

Join Psychologies kindness tsar David Hamilton live on Facebook

@Psychologiesmagazine for his free 30-day kindness challenge every month,
next on 1 November at 1pm. For access to more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’
Life Leap coaching club, free when you subscribe. ‘The Five Side Effects Of
Kindness’ by David Hamilton (Hay House, £10.99) is out now

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 Culture Everyday
adventures
Weave wonder into your daily life and experience
your local area with a fresh perspective. ‘It was on
a drizzly day in London, clutching my camera, that
74% OF PEOPLE USE
AN ALARM
CLOCK TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
– AND NINE PER CENT OF THOSE
PHOTOGRAPH: YURY PROKOPENKO/GETTY IMAGES FROM 'EVERYDAY ADVENTURES'

OVERLAP BETWEEN SELF AND CLOSE OTHERS, ‘SAGE’, 2018; †HAPPY BEDS, 2018

I learned to love my city again,’ says author Anita

S KETAY ET AL, SEEING YOU IN ME: PRELIMINARY EVIDENCE FOR PERCEPTUAL
BY ANITA ISALSKA. *MALCOLM GLADWELL, ‘OUTLIERS’, (LITTLE, BROWN), 2008;

Isalska. ‘Through a lens, I saw my surroundings SLEEPYHEADS

anew.’ In her latest book, Everyday Adventures
(Lonely Planet, £12.99), Isalska encourages us
SAY THEY
all to embrace adventure in our home cities. STRUGGLE,
Try urban foraging, escape with your backpack
for a day, camp in your garden, or unlock the
HITTING
mysteries of your town’s abandoned buildings SNOOZE
MORE THAN
(pictured). The book is brimming with ideas of how
to liberate your traveller spirit at home. Each activity
has easy instructions plus, for inspiration and FIVE TIMES!†
insight, a case study of someone who’s completed
the adventure. These are, literally, eye-opening Alarm clock, £9.95,
quests that help us appreciate where we are. rexlondon.com
**

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N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 13
The Fix
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

Brave is beautiful
We all fear being vulnerable, but research*
confirms that others view our vulnerability
more positively than we perceive our own.
Experts call this the ‘beautiful mess effect’.
In various scenarios, people consistently
saw their own vulnerability negatively,
but were more positive about that of others,
apparently because we see them in a more
abstract light. The study backs up the idea
that what might feel like vulnerability on
Wash bag, £15,
the inside looks like courage on the outside. notonthehighstreet.com

92%
♥
Audible Our friends at Audible tell us why we should
books plug into Earpedia: Animals for a lesson and
a laugh about all creatures great and small
WE LOVE ‘Earpedia:
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In their mid-30s,
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N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 15
WE TWO
ARE ONE
Our clown-in-
residence, Emma
Stroud, reflects on the men
who have helped shape her life
My first clown teacher was a man
called Terry. He taught me to be
brave, accept my inner wisdom
and follow my creativity. (He also
had a great beard!) John, another
teacher, told me to never listen
to the constraints that others put
on me, and to always go forth and
be the best Em that I can be.
These two men have been part
of my journey (along with the
wise women in my life). As I raise
my son, I want him to flourish
with this knowledge, too. Look
at the men around you – what
wisdom can you impart to help
them be the best that they can
be? Men and women sharing
their insights will make the world
a better place for us all.
‘Man’ mug, £11.50,
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Join bananas Psychologies clown-
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month, next on 26 November at 1pm. For
more like this, join the ‘Psychologies’ Life
Leap club, free to all subscribers. See our
Dossier about men on page 62.
The Fix
Thought-provoking culture, creative ideas, insightful science and inspiring gifts

15
A DAY SIMPLY SITTING
AND WATCHING
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FROM THE STRESSES
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Martha Roberts, creator of The Colour File, investigates how
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH* colour makes us think, act and feel. This month, the shades of grey

WHAT DOES GREY mean to you? For friend but, Haller says, it can also be
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‘Regrets are the natural property of grey How to make your

Winter is coming. hair.’) But is grey all about melancholy,
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Deserved or not, grey has a reputation
could hide away and for grimness. It became a symbol of war
resurface in spring? and industrialisation in the 1930s (see
grey escape
● Push yourself out of your grey
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a drab rut, wear colourful clothes for one

It’s time to turn to

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Civil War) and became a metaphor for be extreme; if you’re wearing a grey outfit,
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recharge. Is there 1955 book by Sloan Wilson, The Man In ● Apply this to your home: if you have a
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someone who wants to seen as safe and sensible – ideal for ● Before you make changes, note how

help who you’ve been “ blending into a crowd of ‘little grey men’!
But the flip side of uniformity is safety,
unwilling to ask? What which colour psychologist Karen Haller
you feel, then how that shifts after you’ve
introduced colour. Do you feel energised?
● Are you having more positive

can you delegate? believes helps when times are hard. ‘In thoughts? Are you getting compliments
periods of uncertainty, people want to that boost your mood? Bye-bye grey days!
NINA GRUNFELD, retreat from the world,’ she says. ‘We
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bounce back higher’, gets you feeling more overwhelm and noise.’ So, it can be a @the_colour_file; karenhaller.co.uk
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 self
LESSONS IN ADULTHOOD

Should I stay
or should I go?
Thinking of leaving your job, but unsure how? Harriet Minter offers
some advice on making your exit and finding career freedom

A
few years ago, whenever I told someone what
I did, they’d respond with, ‘Wow, you must have
the best job in journalism.’ It was true, I did, but
my enthusiasm for it had ended. We all hit a point in our
career when we start to suspect it’s time to move on, but
we’re not sure what the next step might look like. We may
fear that we’ll be seen as flighty if we move around too
much, or we just don’t know where we’ll go.
We know that men are more likely to change companies
more often. They’ll jump ship every few years, building
their experience and their salary as they go. There are lots
of reasons given for this: that women stay for maternity
leave or because they’ve negotiated flexible working. Or
because we’re less likely to try and blag our way into a new
role than our male colleagues. I also think that men are
more inclined to take the risks that come with moving
jobs; they’re less worried about not liking the new boss,
not being able to do the work or not getting on with
colleagues. Plus, I suspect they simply believe they deserve
more in a way that women still haven’t quite mastered.
The best advice I’ve received on this is: leave before you’re
ready to go; don’t be afraid to stretch a bit further than
you think your experience will allow. Don’t wait until you’re
bored with your current role. For me, being unhappy actually
kept me there longer. I thought the unhappiness was my
fault and wasted a lot of time trying to fix it when, actually,
I should have just recognised that it was a sign to move on.
A wise woman once said: ‘Never stay where you aren’t
wanted.’ If you’re clashing with your manager or not getting
the support you need, this isn’t your problem to manage.
Remember, no company will ever be as loyal to you as you
PHOTOGRAPH: MARK HARRISON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP:

are to it; don’t wait around for recognition, just pack your
CAROLINE PIASECKI. STYLIST: KATE ANYA BARBOUR

pencil case and go. Whatever the breaking point is for you,
honour it. You aren’t meant to stay in a job that doesn’t
fulfil you. There is something bigger and better waiting
out there for you – it’s time to leave and find it.
For weekly wisdom from Harriet, sign up for her newsletter at tinyletter.com/
harrietminter. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @harrietminter

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 19
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HOW TO…
Embrace imperfection
Wabi sabi is a Japanese concept that helps us see the beauty in imperfection,
appreciate simplicity and accept the transient nature of life, says Beth Kempton
1 Pay attention
to nature.
Nature is the home of miracles,
complex growth, stories of
resilience and ephemeral beauty
emerging and evaporating. When
we take time to stop and look, each
WORDS: SUZY WALKER. PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES
of these gifts reminds us to take
notice of the fleeting beauty of our
own lives. Note the passing of the
seasons to help you stay present.
Tune into the rhythms of nature
to tune into your own natural
rhythms, so you know when to
surge forth, and when to relax.
2 Learn how
to fail.
There are six steps to learn from
failure. Be honest: state the facts
about what happened. Humility:
admit who you’ve been blaming
and the role you played. Simplicity:
identify the lesson. Impermanence:
name what was lost or gained and
what has changed you. Imperfection:
acknowledge the flaw – in you or
someone else – you must forgive
or embrace in order to move on.
Incompleteness: this is not the end
of the story. What will you do next?
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 21
emotional intelligence
3 Try to accept
yourself as you are.
Change is inevitable in life, so
trying to hold onto the past or
present is pointless. Be open-
minded. Your life is happening
right here, right now, says
Kempton. When your head
cannot find the answers,
remember that your heart
may know the way. Perfection
is a myth, you are perfectly
imperfect, just as you are.
‘Wabi Sabi: Japanese Wisdom For A Perfectly
Imperfect Life’ by Beth Kempton (Little, Brown,
£12.99) is out now
interview

22 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 interview

Chris Hemsworth
“Being a good
father is the
most important
thing to me”
Actor Chris Hemsworth, star of new film Bad Times At The
El Royale, talks about why he’s moved back to Australia, his
worst fear and the greatest loves of his life
PHOTOGRAPH MARK VELTMAN/THE NEW YORK TIMES/REDUX/EYEVINE

C
hris Hemsworth’s is ditching the
Spandex and comic-book capers that
made him a household name for a
crack at an altogether darker
character: charismatic cult leader Billy Lee in
Bad Times At The El Royale – his latest screen role.
Alongside an ensemble cast comprising Jeff
Bridges, Dakota Johnson and Jon Hamm, Bad
Times’ sinister mix of strangers and scoundrels
looks set to give Hemsworth the kind of creative
freedom that he excels at; from his career-defining
portrayal of Marvel’s Thor throughout a near
decade-long span of eponymous films and Avengers
projects, to a quirky cameo that flexed his comedic
muscles in the Ghostbusters reboot.
For all the 35-year-old’s fear of stagnating in
his recurring role as the hammer-wielding Norse
heavyweight – a concern which led to the cropped
hair and lack of Shakespearean overtones in the
latest solo outing Thor: Ragnarok – Hemsworth
has consistently looked for diverse roles. Having
grown up in the vast wilderness of Australia’s
outback, working on cattle and buffalo stations
for a time, Hemsworth’s looks, natural charm, >>>

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 23
 interview
>>> and athletic physique helped him quickly rise the ranks of
Hollywood, alongside both his brothers, Luke and Liam,
who would go on to find fame in Westworld and The Hunger
Games respectively.
Hemsworth insists there’s no sibling rivalry when it
comes to getting cast, even if he did beat younger brother
Liam to the lead in 2011 franchise debut Thor. Instead, the
tight trio have constantly lent their support to one another
across their careers – an integral part of Hemsworth’s
preference for the personal over the professional. Taking
nothing away from his myriad successes at the box office
– ‘Being part of the Marvel universe has been a blessing,’ he
says. ‘It’s given me financial security and the opportunity to
achieve much, much more than I ever thought possible’ – it’s
clear that Hemsworth’s true ambitions lay far closer to home
than Hollywood. In 2015, he relocated to Byron Bay with his
wife, fellow actress Elsa Pataky, and their children, daughter
India and twin boys Sasha and Tristan.
The interview
What do you identify as your greatest fear?
Boredom. I think that’s what drove me into this line of
work. There’s so much going on; different settings, different
movements, different people. It keeps me interested.
What’s been the biggest challenge
you’ve faced so far?
Having children! It’s much more
difficult than you think it’s going to be.
You have to change your thinking and
be completely there for them. But they
have also taught me what real love is
and what true responsibility means.
What counts most for you in life?
Being a good father and a good
husband. W hen I was younger,
I dreamed about having this kind
of life and that’s exactly what I’m
living now. In terms of work, a few
years ago, I would have settled for
much less than I’ve been able to
achieve – I never imagined getting
to this point in my career. But now
I see work as something I do for my
family, so that they can enjoy all the
advantages and benefits of whatever
success I have.
I am more mindful of leaving
24 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
“I like being able
to go into a project
with a little bit
of fear. It’s that
element of fear
that pushes
you harder”
enough time between projects to be at home with my wife
and our children. I’m also fortunate in that Elsa is totally
supportive of me, and knows that this is a very important
time for me as an actor and she understands if I have to go
away for three or four months. But we also make sure we
spend as much time together as
‘BAD TIMES AT possible. I am very conscious of my
THE EL ROYALE ’ responsibilities as a father, and I love
my wife and children more than
In ‘1960s-style noir thriller’ Bad Times I can possibly describe.
At The El Royale, Hemsworth plays
a nefarious cult leader alongside How has fatherhood changed your
Dakota Johnson, Jon Hamm and perspective on things?
Jeff Bridges. Seven strangers, each Your life becomes more focused and
with a secret to bury, meet at Lake
you don’t have as much time to get
Tahoe’s El Royale, a rundown hotel
distracted by unimportant things any
with a dark past. Over the course of
more. You become a lot less selfish and
one fateful night, everyone will have
you’re suddenly thinking almost
one last shot at redemption – before
exclusively in terms of creating the
everything goes to hell.
best possible life for your wife and
Hemsworth was drawn to
the screenplay written by Drew
children. But I don’t feel as though I’m
Goddard, describing it as ‘one giving up anything or making any
of the best I’ve ever read’. sacrifices. I had my share of wild
‘I desperately wanted to work times when I was younger, and that
with him again after Cabin In The kind of stuff was never that interesting
Woods, and I almost didn’t read the to me anyway. When I met Elsa, I was
script. I was like, “I’m in, whatever it very comfortable with the idea that
is. Let’s go, buddy!” When something’s she was someone who I wanted to
good enough, it reinspires you and sha re my l i fe w it h a nd bu i ld
reinvigorates you,’ says Hemsworth. something for the future.
 Hemsworth rose to fame as Thor, the Marvel Comics
superhero; here he is in Avengers: Infinity War
In the Ghostbusters reboot, Hemsworth portrays hunky-but-dim
receptionist Kevin. Right, at this year’s premiere of 12 Strong
You moved from Los Angeles back to your native
Australia – why did you make that decision?
The film business just overwhelms you in LA. You’re living
and breathing the business every day, and everyone is
talking about the same thing. There’s no escaping it. It was
starting to become oppressive, and Elsa agreed that it
would be a good idea to get away from that, the paparazzi
and all the attention, and move to Australia.
I also wanted my kids to learn something about their
father’s culture and be able to grow up in a place where you
are much closer to nature and the sea. We live just around
the corner from the beach and it’s a totally different kind
of world. It’s easier for me and Elsa to live without the
WORDS: VIVA PRESS. PHOTOGRAPHS:
attention – no one cares about movie stars here – and it’s
REX FEATURES; CAPITAL PICTURES
also nice for the children to get to know their grandparents.
It was the best decision we could ever have made.
Do you get your strong family instincts and values from
your own parents?
My parents gave me and my brothers confidence in our
As Curt in 2012 comedy-horror Cabin In The
Woods, co-starring Fran Kranz and Anna Hutchison
Playing charismatic cult leader Billy Lee in the upcoming
American thriller Bad Times At The El Royale
abilities and a feeling of security. They were very young
when they had us – my father was a social worker and my
mother was an English teacher – and we moved around
a lot. My parents worked for the Australian Childhood
Foundation and did a lot of work with children. I learned
so much from living in a remote Aboriginal community
out in the bush in the Northern Territor y. That
experience teaches you so much about basic human
respect and kindness for people who have very few
advantages in life.
What are your long-term goals and ambitions?
I want to keep learning and exploring interesting stories
and characters. I like being able to go into a project with a
little bit of fear, because it’s that element of fear that
pushes you harder. I also want to be a good husband and
father to my children. I’m living the life I always dreamed
of, and I want to do everything I can to enjoy a great future
with my family.
‘Bad Times At The El Royale’ will be released in UK cinemas in October
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 25
 It’s going
to be great!
Eleanor Tucker grew up believing that if something
could go wrong, it would. Then she realised there wasn’t
a storm on every horizon, and began to live differently

26 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8

T
he man at the supermarket
checkout asks, ‘Do you need
another bag?’ Unwilling to fork
out an extra 5p in return for more
plastic, I shake my head and overload the
one bag I have, squeezing in a carton of milk.
Ten paces up the road and the bag splits, my
My secret
shopping falling unceremoniously onto the
pavement. ‘Typical,’ says a voice in my head.
Gathering up bananas and washing-up liquid,
I pause and ask myself: ‘Is it really typical? Do
diary
bags typically break; does shopping typically end
up on the pavement? Why did you say that?’ The
answer comes easily: this narrative, the one that
says the worst outcome is the one to expect, is
what I grew up with. ‘Isn’t it always the way?’;
‘That’s Murphy’s Law’; ‘Expect the worst,
and you won’t be disappointed!’ You get the
pessimistic picture. The thing is, I don’t
Journalling has exploded in popularity, and little wonder
– it’s a great way to gain insight to your problems,
connect with yourself, and it can be a lot of fun, too.
Rachel Garnett discovers how to make the most of it
S
ince I started journalling 18
months ago, it’s become one of the
most helpful and insightful things
I do for myself. Yet, for a long time,
when friends talked about their
‘journals’, I dismissed the practice as the
same as diary-keeping – to be restricted to
teenagers wanting to detail their days away
from prying parental eyes, or for reminders,
such as ‘give cat worm pill’. Away in far-flung
places, I never wrote a word – why recount
experiences when I was living them?
How wrong I was. Diaries may
fundamentally be logbooks, but journals
are your words about who you are.   later, as I felt worries bubbling up again,
My mind was changed by a work event.
There, I met a woman who had impressed
me with her self-belief and confidence. She
psychology
like this Murphy chap. Not only do I reject
the idea that life is conspiring against me,
I don’t think the belief that it does serves
me particularly well.
I vividly recall, aged 15, going to the cinema
with a boy I’d met on the school bus. I got new
sandals for the occasion, which I think was one
of the Indiana Jones films. They rubbed my
feet raw and, on my return home, limping and
bleeding, I was met with, ‘Well, that was bound
to happen!’ The date was fun (some snogging
in the back row), and I hadn’t cared much
about the sandals rubbing but, after that
comment, I felt a bit flat.
‘The most important decision we make
is whether we believe we live in a friendly or
hostile universe,’ said Albert Einstein, and
I couldn’t agree more. But, as we all know,
parting company with the beliefs and >>>
amazed me by saying that when her
insecurities arise, she journals, and that
by leaving them on the page she frees herself
from them. I was sceptical, but heeding her
encouragement and wanting her tenacity,
I bought a cheap book full of blank pages,
with a pretty gold and pink cover; there
are no printed dates in a journal, so none
of the guilt of chronicle-free days.
I wrote how I worried that my presentation
and perceptions at a meeting would not be
well received. The words poured out. It felt
weird, even furtive.  I hid my journal among
other books on my bedside table. But days
I journalled that I felt like a balloon about
to pop, still stuck years on with a lack of
self-worth. Letting rip on the page became a
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 27
>>> paradigms we’ve always known is no
easy task. I decide, in order to lay this
imaginary childhood friend – nay, enemy
– to rest completely, I need expert advice.
Belief relief
I speak to life transformation coach
Corinne Worsley, who agrees that
expecting a negative outcome is not doing
me any good. ‘There’s a part of our brain
called the reticular activating system
(RAS) that filters the billions of bits of
data we’re bombarded with every day,
according to the guidelines we give it, and
those guidelines are based on our beliefs,’
she explains. ‘The RAS is always working
to prove our beliefs right, so it seeks
evidence to confirm our beliefs rather
than challenge them (confirmation bias).
If we believe in “Murphy’s Law”, we will
be inundated with evidence to prove that
belief right, and vice versa. The beauty is
that a belief is simply a thought we think
over and over again so, once we become
aware of the thought, we can change it,
create a new belief and start collecting
new data to support that belief.’
So far, so logical. But let’s rewind. Why
were my parents so fond of saying negative
things in the first place? ‘It comes down
to experiences, most likely in childhood,
which have caused us to adopt that belief
to protect ourselves from a perceived
threat,’ Worsley tells me. ‘A belief in
a universe that’s out to get you may be a
protection mechanism trying to keep you
safe from humiliation or vulnerability.’
My parents were war babies, born in
the south of England. Perceived, and real,
threats were commonplace, so I can see
why they may have simply copied the
attitude of adults around them. But,
although our beliefs often mirror those
of our parents until we’re adults, we then
“can‘Anything that
go wrong, will go
wrong,’ and ‘Typical’
made me ask myself,
‘Why will it go “
wrong?’; ‘Why is
it typical?’
have been vandalised… But, as I grew
older, I felt this attitude didn’t quite fit.
So I began to rephrase the words of that
inner voice. Noticing it comes first and,
once you do, you start to see how illogical
it sounds: ‘Anything that can go wrong,
will go wrong,’ and ‘Typical’ made me ask
myself, ‘Why will it go wrong?’; ‘Why is
it typical?’ Once I noticed the voice, and
questioned it, I began to notice it less often.
As I matured emotionally, a new
mindset emerged, which felt like a much
better fit. The day I first noticed it, I was
on the way to a picnic in a botanic garden
with a friend, Ali. We had young children
in tow – about five between us – and, as
we stopped at a cafe to buy lunch on the
way, it started to rain.
universe is actually working in my
Shine on my parade favour) doesn’t hurt one bit. It makes
Ali suggested we change plans. ‘It’s just things a lot easier, as it had during that
a shower,’ I said, hopefully. The queue potentially anxious wait with expectant
progressed slowly, both of us holding under-fives. Whether it’s true or not, I
freshly baked rolls ready to be filled with don’t care. It makes me calmer, happier
tuna mayo. The smell of the bread drifted and even braver because, by imagining
up and, excited at the prospect of al fresco the best will happen, it’s much easier to
carbs, I decided that when we stepped dive in. Think of a presentation at work…
outside again, the rain would have If you don’t believe you’ll forget what you
stopped. Ali, conversely, tensely googled have to say, or that your PowerPoint will
alternative, undercover venues on her go wrong, how much more courageous
phone. Ten minutes later, we spilled will you feel beforehand?
out onto the pavement into glorious Murphy still pops up, like he did when
PREVIOUS PAGE, GETTY IMAGES

get to choose again. Not everyone picks a sunshine! I’m clearly not in charge of the my shopping bag broke, which got me
PHOTOGRAPHS: STOCKSY;

different mindset, but I did – slowly. In my
teenage years, I thought that if you were
in a hurry, the traffic would be bad; that it
would rain on a bank holiday; that when
you needed to use the phone box, it would
weather, but this was a game changer for
me, and I actively altered my perspective.
It turns out that believing things may
turn out fine, or even the occasional
moment of pronoia (trusting that the
thinking: what is the perceived benefit
of uttering negative statements – for
myself, or anyone else? Worsley says that
for different people, there are different
reasons. ‘One is that if we believe that

28 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 psychology

How to stop believing

in an unfriendly universe
Life transformation coach Corinne Worsley shares her tips for
turning your back on Murphy’s Law and embracing positivity
l Notice the people prove to yourself ways that life
you spend most that there is hope. loves you, rather
time with. Are they l Be curious. than doesn’t.
hopeful? If so, why not Try thinking, ‘I wonder l Think of
try mirroring their way what might happen...’ someone whose
of being, just for a rather than saying, life seems to go
while, and see what ‘Well, I know how this well. What are they
happens? If they’re is going to turn out.’ doing that you could
not, try not to get l Think back emulate? Rather than
sucked into their way to a time when envying them, use
of thinking. Negativity you achieved them as inspiration.
can be contagious. something, and l Be careful what
l Start to cultivate what you did. See you affirm.
hope in small how you might employ If you spend your life
ways. Maybe it’s the same approach to repeating mantras
simply smiling at creating something such as, ‘Nothing’s
people when you’re out new in your life now. ever simple’, then
and seeing them smile l Start an evidence be prepared for life
back, or maybe it’s journal with proof to prove just how
setting yourself an that life is working complicated it is!
achievable goal to out for you. Document corinneworsley.com

“world
By believing the
is out to get
long, it’s part of our self-image. Or, maybe
we’d rather stick with certain misery
than reach for uncertain happiness;
‘I’m sure that won’t happen again.’ Or,
to put it another way: hope. Hope that we
can have an effect on our own lives; that
you, you live life and, by blaming Murphy, we avoid the we are in control. ‘Hope is also linked to

permanently discomfort of owning our own failures.’ a growth mindset,’ Worsley continues.
‘If we believe everything about us and our
disappointed; you “ The let-down loop life is fixed, then we have no hope and we

miss out on joy, But at what cost? By repeating this

meaning and love
no matter what we do, the universe is
conspiring against us, we can blame
our circumstances on other people and
outside forces.’ There are other reasons
too, she explains: ‘We may get more
attention than if life started working out
for us. Sometimes, we’re attached to our
struggle, because it’s been with us for so
negative internal dialogue, surely we’re
missing something? ‘We certainly are,’
says Worsley. ‘Believing that when
bad things happen, it’s “typical”, and
the world is out to get you, you live life
permanently disappointed; you miss out
on opportunities, joy, meaning and love.’
If this isn’t a reason to observe the
language I use, both in my head and out
loud, then I don’t know what is. But what
replaces ‘Typical’ and, ‘That was bound
to happen’? Words like, ‘Never mind,’ and
are powerless to make changes. However,
this has been proven to be untrue. By
adopting a growth mindset and believing
we can learn and change, we become
more hopeful, and therefore we have more
power over our own destiny.’
As I walk back from the supermarket,
cradling a bunch of bananas, I realise the
washing-up liquid has broken along with
the bag, and I left a lemon-scented trail
all the way home. But, do you know what?
That was a one-off. Not typical at all.
Pretty funny, actually.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 29
shared values
Kate Humble
The TV presenter, author and farm owner talks about the redemptive
power of walking and what she values most in her life
INTERVIEW DANIELLE WOODWARD
I love walking; it is so simple yet can be really life-affirming.
You connect with the seasons, solve problems, release sorrows
and find inspiration. I’m hoping my book about walking will
encourage people to reconnect with the outside world.
I quote well-known walkers in the book, such as Thoreau
and Dylan Thomas and others for whom walking has
transformed their lives, like Ursula Martin. When she
was diagnosed with cancer, her illness took away the life she had,
and she had to find an alternative, which was walking. She didn’t
see it as brave; it just made her feel normal again.
I enjoy wild weather; if you have dry feet and good
waterproofs, there is something invigorating about it.
Weather can change a landscape completely; it affects your mood,
what you hear, see and smell. Some of my most memorable walks
have been in astonishing weather. I climbed Sugar Loaf mountain
in Monmouthshire in a storm once, and my whole face was
throbbing with cold and every blade of grass was encased in ice.
You feel quietly proud if you’ve overcome a psychological
barrier that you may have imposed on yourself, but is
nonetheless significant. For me, it was taking part in a public
run; I felt oddly self-conscious but I overcame it by just ignoring
it and deciding to do it for myself. It was liberating.
I truly believe that the majority of people in the world are
good. When I travelled in Africa, I hitched everywhere. Once
I was in a truck with some male African workers. I asked the driver
to take me somewhere but he went in a different direction. I was
scared, but the driver had misheard where I wanted to go. He
apologised and flagged down a taxi for me and made sure I was OK.
I couldn’t present Strictly; I feel happier in the countryside
wearing muddy boots, surrounded by sheep! I decided early
on in my career that I was only going to do what I really love
because I thought being a presenter may not last for very long
30 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
and I couldn’t fake it. There’s been a general rise in interest in the
topics I love anyway – rural affairs and wildlife – so I’ve been lucky.
I’m a very independent person and I put that down to
having had a secure and happy upbringing. I did cause my
parents all sorts of hassle growing up, but my family were an
anchor, and that is the greatest launch pad anyone could have.
I went Eurorailing when I was 16 and travelled through Africa on
my own when I was 19, but I wanted to prove to my parents – and
myself – that I was responsible enough. They always let me know
that if anything went wrong, they’d be there, which was comforting.
The way education is going is sad; children should not be
judged on how good they are at exams, but on how curious
and creative they are. It should be rudimentary that every
child has access to the outdoors. There are many benefits to
the digital world but I believe we get a great deal more out
of life through face-to-face conversation.
We all need to be uplifted, rather than be depressed by
the things we can’t do anything about. I did a series called
Back To The Land about rural businesses that were taking risks,
being creative and doing what society says is unacceptable,
and it was so popular; people loved seeing others following
their hearts and doing something they believed in.
Self-reliance and kindness should be instilled in all of us.
PHOTOGRAPH: LEVON BISS/CONTOUR BY GETTY IMAGES
It’s sad if you notice someone because they have done
something kind – that should be part of everyday life, not
an exception. Injustice of all forms makes me angry, and the
fact that we’ve become a litigious society, where basic human
kindness can now be misconstrued as inappropriate, and
you could be sued if you help someone and it goes wrong.
We are a social species and we need to support and look after
each other, not undermine and annihilate each other.
‘Thinking On My Feet: The Small Joy Of Putting One Foot In Front
Of The Other’ by Kate Humble (Aster, £20) is published on 4 October;
humblebynature.com; katehumble.com
 my life, my way

“I love connecting with

people and helping
local businesses”
Started as a hobby, Hero Brown’s website,
Muddy Stilettos, has grown into the definitive online
lifestyle guide for women living in the countryside
WORDS DANIELLE WOODWARD PHOTOGR APHS LEANNE BR ACEY

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 33
 ABOVE Hero LEFT AND
still works BELOW More
from home outdoor space
sometimes, was a draw for
at the kitchen Hero when
table where she moved to
it all began the countryside

“It was hard to find anything to do locally that

I was interested in, so I thought, if I wanted to
be in the know about what ’s going on, there
would be others who would, too”

34 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8

ABOVE Haddenham,
in Buckinghamshire,
where Hero and her
family live. Cat Tickle
likes country living, too!
H ero Brown, founder of website Muddy Stilettos, looks
forward to her 20-minute commute to the office, as
she says it creates a healthy divide between work and
home. ‘I started the business working from home then, as it grew,
there was a point when there were eight people in my house, the
kids would get home from school, the cleaner would be there, too,
and it was mayhem!’ Now, she says, having that break between
her work and home life means she is also more productive.
Hero came up with the idea for Muddy Stilettos, the ‘urban
guide to the countryside’, when she moved to Buckinghamshire
from London. ‘I’d heard from someone that a singer did a gig
nearby, but it wasn’t reported anywhere. Also, it was hard to find
anything to do locally that I was interested in, so I thought, if I
wanted to be in the know about what’s going on, there would be
others who would, too. I googled ‘how to start a blog’, set up a free
one on WordPress and thought of a name – I made a list of words
about urban life and the countryside, then matched two I thought
worked together. Then I got a cheap logo design and off I went!’
The website is an online magazine for women with channels
my life, my way
“My parents lived in
Oxfordshire; I thought it would
be nice to move out of the city,
get more for your money and
take the stress out of life”
including ‘Things to do’, ‘Arts & culture’, ‘Eat out’, ‘Wellbeing’,
‘Beauty’, ‘Fashion’, ‘Travel’, ‘Kids’, and ‘Home’ – with a friendly,
direct tone to the content. As Hero explains, ‘It’s all our
opinions and it needs to be quick and immediate if you’re
scrolling on a smartphone, which most of our readers are.’
Fitting work around family life
Hero oversees editors covering 19 counties in the UK. ‘One of
our strengths is that we can provide an enormous amount
of knowledge from people who are actually checking it all out
first-hand,’ she says. ‘The editors are mostly working on their
own, fitting the job around their family, so I make sure we have
regular meetups. Although I love the flexibility, as the company
continues to grow, I realise that we need structure, too – from
Monday to Wednesday, I insist the Muddy HQ team comes into
the office, so we can get the week organised. Thursdays are more
flexible and, on Fridays, most people work from home. I also like
to be on my own sometimes, so that balance works well.’
Hero admits that learning to be a successful entrepreneur is a >>>
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 35

“My husband, Paul, is very much into
numbers, figures and facts, so watching
me run a business was torture for him!”
>>> continuous challenge. ‘Part of me used to enjoy the naivety that
comes with putting creativity above the money side of things
– because I love it so much I’d do it for nothing anyway!’ she says.
‘My husband, Paul, is very much into numbers, figures and facts,
so watching me run a business was torture for him! He kept
saying, “Look at your spreadsheets; what have you earned this
month?” And he was right; I knew I needed to get my head
around it all. It’s been a big realisation for me; that it’s easy and
more enjoyable for me to be the editor, so I tended to leave the
business side of things. I know now that I need support with
the creative side, so I can be released to actually run the business.
All the books I’ve read say something similar – that you need to
be on the business, not in the business – when you’re immersed in
the day-to-day, you can’t step away and think, “What do I have to
do next?” That’s boring for someone like me who likes to be in the
business, but the reality is that you can’t do both. And, as I learn
more about the business side of it, it’s becoming more enjoyable.’
As someone who has lived and worked in different countries,
including New Zealand where she got her first job in journalism
and met her husband, Hero believes she is ‘more impulsive than
adventurous, but I think it’s healthy to have big shake-ups
36 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
RIGHT The Muddy
Stilettos office is in a
converted 17th-century
granary, about
20 minutes’ drive
from Hero’s house
LEFT AND BELOW
Working on the
move – at her local
coffee shop NORSK.
– provides a change of
scenery for Hero, too
because you can sleepwalk through your life and end up 10 years
down the line wondering why you’re still at the same point. My
husband is braver than me and has influenced me; I’m often
ensconced in my own world, focusing on the immediate tasks,
and he always prompts me by making me think about the
future and how I can really make a difference to my readers’ lives.’
Heart in rural living, finger on the pulse
Hero recalls how she came to the decision to change her life,
when she was living in London with a young family. ‘Everything
felt like so much effort,’ she remembers. ‘My parents lived in
Oxfordshire, so I thought it would be nice to move out of the
city, get more for your money and take the stress out of life. I
always thought I’d made the right choice, but once I got past
the joy of hearing the birds sing and knowing the children could
roam round the garden, I was still craving something… I realised
it was the news – it’s what’s always driven me, the passion to
find interesting stories; the cool, new fun stuff that’s happening.’
Hero feels a strong responsibility towards her readers. ‘If people
visit places because of what I’m writing, I don’t want to give them
the wrong steer. It’s about trying to provide the right information

“I started the business from
home. As it grew, there was a
point where there were eight
people in my house, the
kids would get home from
school… It was mayhem!”
– we have a wide range of readers, from people who have children,
those who don’t, people who love modern places and others who
are into more historic locations… I just want everyone to be able
to choose the right thing for them. I made the ‘Muddy mantra’,
which explains how we work and means everyone knows
what they’re getting when they come to the website.
‘I’m not there to knock anybody,’ says Hero. ‘If I had a terrible
meal, I’d tell them in person. I decided to only publish positive
HAIR AND MAKE-UP: HARRIET THORPE; HARRIETTHORPEMUA.COM
reviews, so a bad experience wouldn’t be written about. You
have an immediate connection with the readers, as you’re doing
something nice for them, and they also affirm what you’re
doing by thanking you for recommending something they liked.’
The biggest initiative that helped drive the success of the
website is the Muddy Stilettos Awards. ‘Initially, I decided to
do awards for Bucks/Oxon, voted for by the readers. I thought it
would be a great opportunity to showcase what’s around and find
out about cool places, as readers could nominate them and we’d
also be supporting independent traders and giving them free
publicity. It’s completely free to enter and vote, and we give out
free stickers and certificates; I’m proud that it’s free, as most
awards charge to enter, and it generates massive amounts of
my life, my way
LEFT AND BELOW
The team at the Muddy
Stilettos head office.
Hero and editorial
assistant Sophie
Hadjikyriacos discuss
what’s on the agenda
LEFT The Muddy Stilettos
Awards are must-wins
for local businesses
publicity, so it works on all levels. We also don’t have an anonymous
judging panel; we trust the readers to make the right decisions.’
Always onwards and upwards
Does Hero ever take a moment to appreciate how far she’s come,
from the early days of having the idea to the growing business of
today? ‘Not really,’ she laughs. ‘I’m so involved in doing the next
thing, then the next, that I never really stop and think about it.
There are moments that stand out in my memory; I remember
calling my dad when I won the UK’s Most Innovative Blog in
2015 and he was so pleased for me, even though he had no idea
what a blog was! I’m always thinking about what to do next
– we’ve just launched Funfinder that works like an app,
geolocating you wherever you are and recommending places
we’ve endorsed. I’ve also got ideas for events – it’s non-stop.
‘I do think the ideal is to be able to get your fix of the
countryside if you live in the city or vice versa; to have a bit
of what you’re missing so, wherever you are, you can have
a better balance in your life. It’s what we all want, after all.’
To find out more, visit muddystilettos.co.uk and click on ‘Select county’
to discover what’s happening near you
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 37
 britain
v
cancer

Britain V Cancer
Jordan Desert Trek

Trek from the Dead Sea to ancient Petra and raise funds for the
cancer charity or hospice of your choice.
19-26 October 2019

For more information and to register online:

www.dream-challenges.com

For further information or to register please call us on

01590 646410 or email: events@dream-challenges.com
 work

Take back control

Bestselling author Sháá Wasmund MBE tells us how
to keep calm when things don’t go according to plan

T
here are times in life when
nothing seems to go to
plan. The client you were
sure was going to come through
doesn’t have the budget until next
year, the washing machine and
boiler pack up at the same time,
the girls’ trip you were looking
forward to is called off, your house
sale falls through, and you haven’t
exercised in three weeks.  someone for help; I always find that
Giving in, not giving up
All of these things have happened
to me and, on occasion, at the same
time. The truth is, it’s hard not to
lose it in these moments; either
that, or you end up giving up and
feeling like your life is always going
to be full of problems.
So, how do you keep your calm in
testing times, but also hold it together
for long enough to pull yourself out
of the rut? Contrary to what you
may think, I’m a believer in giving
in to how you’re feeling, at least for a
moment. Better to fall into it, accept
the situation for what it is, then get
back on your feet and go again.
But how do you turn things
around? The first thing I do is write
PHOTOGRAPH: MARK HARRISON. HAIR AND MAKE-UP:
down everything that needs to be
done to fix these problems. Then,
I look at the list and I cross out all
the points over which I have no
control, and I focus on the things
that I can do something about. Next,
I write down the possible actions
against each point on the list. Finally,
I force myself into taking action by
picking up the phone and asking
this simple act makes me fix things far
quicker than I ever would alone – a
problem shared is a problem halved.
In my experience, the easiest way
to keep calm is to regain control of
your situation; at least, as best you
can. When we feel out of control,
we spiral into a downward cycle,
and taking back control, even in
small increments, stops this spiral.
The moment we start doing, we
move away from thinking – we can
think and worry about many things
at the same time, but when we are
in the doing phase, we move away
from thinking.
No matter how bad things are,
keeping your calm will always help
you find a better outcome. Finally,
I remind myself of an age-old truth:

everything down. I draw a line down this too shall pass.

CAROLINE PIASECKI. STYLIST: KATE ANYA BARBOUR

the middle of a page. On the left,

Sháá Wasmund is also author of ‘Stop Talking,
I write down all the things that are Start Doing’ (John Wiley & Sons, £9.99). Join
stressing me out. On the right, I write her Facebook group at shaa.com/freedom

l Free coaching with the inspirational Sháá Wasmund!

For regular live coaching sessions with Sháá, see psychologies.
co.uk/Life-Leap-Club-New-Subscribers. It’s free to all subscribers.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 39
 Our agony aunt, Mary Fenwick, offers a new
perspective on whatever is troubling you

‘‘I feel stuck in my

‘‘
painful childhood

Q My mother has dementia. Our relationship has always

been difficult; her father was abusive and she repeated the
ugly cycle of violent behaviour towards me. My father is
a good man but he never put my needs on a par with hers.
They were appalling with money, and my husband and I sold our house
MARY FENWICK is a business
coach, journalist, fundraiser,
mother, divorcee and widow

to buy them a home. Despite this, Dad complains to other relatives GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY?
about what a terrible daughter I am and they no longer see me. I have a Email mary@psychologies.co.uk,
with ‘MARY’ in the subject line
wonderful husband and children, yet I feel lonely and empty without any
other relationships. I want to move forward, and to have a relationship FOLLOW MARY ON TWITTER
@MJFenwick
with Dad that doesn’t render me exhausted and angry. Name supplied

T
he emotional gymnastics
you’ve been through to
reconcile your experiences
of family life would exhaust
anyone. When I imagine selling your
house to provide for parents who didn’t
give you a safe home in the first place, it
takes me into a weird loop of thought
that’s difficult to describe. Maybe that’s
because it’s not a situation that can be
fixed with logic. It sounds as if part of
you can acknowledge your dad made his
want to expand from that base into the
wider world. A lot of avenues seem cut
off because your dad occupies them
with his version of events. Rather than
solve the problem as you see it now,
there are people who offer compassion
and practical help to get onto a different
page. The first is NAPAC – the National
Association for People Abused in
Childhood [see below]. In addition to
telephone advice, they point to research
which shows yoga or other movement
you to challenge difficult thoughts,
but to diffuse them to make them less
painful. ACT says we can choose the
legacy we want to pass on. Questions
may include: what words hook you into
memories and fear; what are you doing
that keeps you stuck; what do you want
to stand for in life; what would you like to
do more of to enrich your life?
Your kind of background can
sometimes be a barrier to human
connection, but you have managed to
PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA BIRKINSHAW

choice a long time ago, while another
part has held on to the ideal dad in
your mind. Carl Jung said life’s greatest
problems can’t be solved, only outgrown.
I keep coming back to that image of
a safe home. You’ve created it with your
husband and children, and now you
can be effective for recovery, while peer
support groups and realising that you
are not alone helps healing at any stage.
A second option is acceptance and
commitment therapy, or ACT. Below is
a link to a booklet of exercises to work
through. This approach does not ask
break the pattern of abuse and create a
loving family of your own. Please don’t
leave it there: more people need to hear
your story; sadly for him, I do not think
that your father will be one of them.
Contact NAPAC on 0808 801 0331;
thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Complete_
Worksheets_2014.pdf

JOIN OUR CLUB! WE’VE LAUNCHED A WORLD-CLASS ONLINE COACHING CLUB – AND MEMBERSHIP

“My anxiety is out of control after my latest breakup”
Q My partner has just broken
up with me and I don’t
think I can cope. I am
having panic attacks and my anxiety
is crippling. I’ve been through a bad
breakup previously, which took me
ages to get over, and I don’t know
how I can do it again. How will I get
through this? Name supplied
A
Whatever you did last time
worked, and it will again.
Humans are hardwired to
find rejection tough because it was so
dangerous for our ancestors to lose
touch with the tribe. One of the keys
“Should we move the whole family to make my partner happy?”
Q My husband has been low
for a while – a combination
of hating his job and where
we live and wanting a change. I like
where we are, but he wants to move
to the coast, even as far away as
Wales or Scotland.
I’m undecided, as I know it would
make him happy but I’ve built up
friendships, and we have two young
daughters who are settled at school.
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to
uproot us all, and it takes so long
to start again and make friends.
What’s your advice? Name supplied
A
I support your caution.
The risk is that you, as the
mentally stronger person,
end up with unsettled children, more
responsibility and less support. However,
it’s also a threat if your husband feels
helpless to look after his family because
IS FREE TO ALL SUBSCRIBERS. LEAP INTO A BETTER LIFE AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
will be finding other people – not
romantically, but to sit with you by
the campfire until you feel safe.
If your friends don’t seem like the
right people for this, then the website
for Anxiety UK [see below] is a
good place to start. They offer a
downloadable brochure about dealing
with panic attacks, which costs £2.49.
There’s a free meditation app for
members, a text service and reduced-
cost counselling (even lower cost for
students). I always learn something
new when I check out their resources
– today it was baking as a mindfulness
technique, because it draws your focus
he’s so unhappy. Is it possible to create
less of an either/or scenario and say,
‘I don’t want to move right now, but I’d
like to understand more about what it
might mean for us all?’ Those two little
words ‘right now’ leave the door open.
I also recommend counselling support,
so you can listen to each other about
what you each want from a home.
There’s a difference between running
away from something you feel is bad,
and running towards something good.
My concern would be whether there
is an element of what therapists call
‘pulling a geographical’ – making a
physical move to escape your own head.
The term comes from Alcoholics
Anonymous, because addicts are
tempted by the ‘magical power’ of a
fresh start. Many of us are similarly
tempted – but what if there are ways to
turn the place you are living now into
the place you want to be? Unusually, I’m
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 41
the life lab
self
to smell and taste, plus gives the
satisfaction of creating something new.
I’m focusing on the anxiety because
working on this will give you the
confidence that you don’t need another
person to make you better in any way.
An intimate relationship is a wonderful
gift, but we do survive and even thrive
as single people, as long as we have
friends. One of the best ways to feel part
of something bigger is to find what
you can contribute. The simple fact of
having shared your story here will help
others feel less alone, so there’s already
a community that is grateful to you.
anxietyuk.org.uk
recommending a book which I haven’t
read, but I’ve ordered it on the strength
of the reviews as ‘a series of research-
backed ways to be happy in a new home’.
My short answer is: consider joint
counselling before you spend money
on a move, and read This Is Where You
Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are
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at 7pm Agony aunt Mary
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their fullest lives Madison Square Garden. a man in the 21st century,
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on masculinity in the modern world in our Dossier from page 62 podcast-ukcp

42 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 diary

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 43
 “ I don’t want to be
a needy singleton”
Our award-winning coach, Kim Morgan, speaks to a woman
who is fulfilled in many aspects of her life, but still feels lonely
ILLUSTR ATION ANDREA DE SANTIS

Session “Since my friends have settled down, they have less time for me”
one
Monica* came straight from her yoga class to
our first session. She looked great – toned and
glowing with health. She spoke confidently about herself: ‘I’m
37 and I think I’m happy about being single. I enjoy my life,
I have a great job and a lovely flat. I’m training to become a
yoga teacher, I travel, I host a monthly book club, I’m learning
Japanese and I’ve got a really good bunch of friends.’
‘But…?’ I ventured.
‘I don’t know,’ replied Monica, ‘but there is a “but”.’
Monica looked unsure. ‘I think it is that I don’t have
one special person who is there for me emotionally. My
friends are great, but I worry that I lean on them too much
for support. Some of them are married with kids and they
don’t always have time for me, which makes me feel like
a bit of a loser. I don’t want to be the needy singleton.’
Monica burst into tears. I was taken aback, as she had
seemed so calm and collected up to that point.
I waited before asking: ‘What is making you upset?’
NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED

She shrugged and made a quizzical face.
I hazarded a guess: ‘You have come to see me for a reason
and I am not clear what it is yet. You said you think you are
happy about being single. Are you here to explore whether
you want to remain single?’
‘I think I am lonely – not socially, but emotionally. I chose
to be single, but I didn’t choose to be lonely.’
I asked Monica if she would like any homework from
me. She said she was quite shocked by her realisation
that she was lonely, and just needed time to process it.
*

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44 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8

Session Redefining emotional intimacy
two Monica had done a lot of thinking. She said: ‘I know
that being on my own is not the same as being lonely.
Everything used to be fine. I’ve always given and got back a lot
of emotional support from my friends, and I haven’t felt lonely
or isolated. Things have changed since more of them have settled
down and started having families. They don’t have anything left
to give me because they have other priorities now.’
I asked Monica to come up with all the things she could think
of doing to get more emotional intimacy in her life. She gave
me a long list: ‘Be more vulnerable, ask for help, tell my friends
how I am feeling, get some new single friends, do some
voluntary work, get a cat…’ She stopped at this point and
laughed out loud. ‘I can’t believe I just said that. I am turning
into the cliche of a single woman with cats!’
‘What would having a cat give you?’ I asked. Monica went
quiet and muttered: ‘Someone to love, I guess.’
We talked about whether she was truly looking for a partner
to love. She really didn’t know the answer, so Monica decided
that she would try some of the other things on her list first
before thinking about dating again. ‘I just don’t want the
answer to everything to be about being in a relationship.
Being single is an OK choice, too. Being a successful person
does not have to mean marriage and kids.’
“ As adults, we learn to mask our
“ and self-worth. If you aren’t getting one of your core
feelings, from others and ourselves
Session Feeling is freeing
three The next time I saw Monica several weeks later,
she was buzzing with enthusiasm. She’d become a
volunteer for a charity that supported elderly people. She was
visiting 87-year-old Elsie, who was full of wisdom and humour.
Every week, Monica went to Elsie’s flat and they talked about life,
books, travel and everything else under the sun. She told me: ‘I
think I actually love Elsie. She gives me back more than I give her.’
Monica had started to think about other lonely people in
her city and had set up a social media group called ‘Only The
Lonely’. She had attracted lots of members and they will be
having their first face-to-face meetup soon. As she left, she
said: ‘Once I named it and admitted out loud that I was lonely,
it freed me up to do something about it – thank you.’
As I watched Monica walk away, yoga mat under her arm,
I reminded myself that loneliness is hard to detect in others
and that even the most busy people can be emotionally lonely.
EXPERTS WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE. SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/LIFE-LEAP-CLUB-NEW-SUBSCRIBERS
the life lab
coaching
Coaching exercises
NAME THAT FEELING
We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge, and we
can’t tame what we don’t name. We often express
what we’re thinking but not what we’re feeling. It’s an
important and useful practice to stop and give a name
to the emotion we’re experiencing. Think about how
easily children can name their feelings and express
them, too! As adults, we learn to mask our emotions
– not just from others but from ourselves as well.
Grow comfortable with accessing your feelings
by writing in a journal daily for a month:
‘Today I am feeling…’
Happy, sad, angry, scared, ashamed, guilty, proud,
excited, lonely, loved, loving, vulnerable, confused.
Increase your vocabulary of feeling words and get
used to acknowledging the wide range of emotions
you have throughout each day. After a while, you can
look back and notice patterns in your feelings. What
are they telling you?
GETTING YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS MET
Humans all have similar emotional needs which
must be fulfilled to give us a sense of self-esteem
emotional needs met, you will feel that something is
missing in your life. You may not even realise why.
This is a great exercise to help you discover which
needs are being met for you and which are not. It may
be that you require more attention but less privacy.
Bear in mind that everyone is different.
Think about how far your needs are being met
in all of the following areas and who or what is
meeting them:
● Attention ● Belonging
● Privacy ● Achievement
● Status ● Fun
● Sense of control ● Intimacy
● Emotional connection ● Purpose and
● Security meaning
If you notice that you have some needs which are not being
met enough for you, think about new ways in which you can
actively seek to get these fulfilled. Make a list of other
people who can support you and new things you can do.
For more from Kim, see barefootcoaching.co.uk; @BarefootCoaches
philosophy

Why I meditate
As a bright but anxious teenager, Yuval Noah Harari, bestselling
author of Sapiens, discovered meditation and his life changed forever.
In an excerpt from his new book, 21 Lessons For The 21st Century,
he explains how it remains at the core of his vision, and wellbeing

W
hen I was a teenager,
I was a troubled and
restless person. The
world made no sense
to me, and I got no answers to the big
questions I had about life. In particular,
I didn’t understand why there was so
much suffering in the world and in my
own life, and what could be done about it.
All I got from the people around me and
the books I read were elaborate fictions:
religious myths about gods and heavens,
nationalist myths about the motherland
and its historical mission, romantic
myths about love and adventure, or
capitalist myths about economic growth
and how buying and consuming stuff
would make me happy. I had enough sense
to realise that these were probably all
myths humans ever create, but it didn’t
offer satisfying answers to the big
questions of life. On the contrary, it
encouraged me to focus on narrower
and narrower questions.
I eventually found myself writing
a doctorate at Oxford University about
the autobiographical texts of medieval
soldiers. As a hobby, I kept reading
philosophy books and having
philosophical debates but, although
this provided endless intellectual
entertainment, it hardly provided real
insight. It was extremely frustrating.
Eventually, my good friend, Ron
Merom, suggested I try putting aside the
books and intellectual discussions for a
few days and take a vipassana meditation
course. ‘Vipassana’ means ‘introspection’
and presumed it must involve all kinds
of complicated mystical theories. I was,
therefore, amazed by how practical the
teaching turned out to be.
Breathtaking revelation
Our teacher, Satya Narayan Goenka,
instructed students to sit with crossed
legs and closed eyes, and to focus all our
attention on the breath coming in and
out of our nostrils. ‘Don’t do anything,’ he
kept saying. ‘Don’t try to control the breath
or to breathe in any particular way. Just
observe the reality of the present moment,
whatever it may be. When the breath
comes in, you are just aware – now the
breath is coming in. When the breath goes
out, you are just aware – now the breath
is going out. And, when you lose your
PHOTOGRAPH: OLIVER MIDDENDORP

fiction, but I had no idea how to find truth.
My quest in academia
When I began studying at university,
I thought it would be the ideal place to
find answers – but I was disappointed.
The academic world provided me with
powerful tools to deconstruct all the
in the Pali language of ancient India.
I thought it was some New Age mumbo
jumbo and, since I had no interest in
hearing yet another mythology, I declined
to go. But, after a year of patient nudging,
in April 2000, he got me to go to a 10-day
vipassana retreat. Previously, I had
known very little about meditation,
focus and your mind starts wandering
in memories and fantasies, you are just
aware – now my mind has wandered
away from the breath.’ It was the most
important thing anybody ever told me.
When people ask the big questions
of life, they usually have absolutely no
interest in knowing when their breath >>>

46 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 philosophy
>>> is coming into their nostrils and when it is
going out. Rather, they want to know
things like, ‘What happens after you die?’
Yet, the real enigma of life is not what
happens after you die, but what happens
before you die. If you want to understand
death, you need to understand life.
People ask: ‘When I die, will I just vanish
completely? Will I go to heaven? Will I be
reborn in a new body?’ These questions
are based on the assumption that there
is an ‘I’ that endures from birth to death,
and the question is: ‘What will happen to
this “I” at death?’ But , what is there that
endures from birth to death? The body
keeps changing every moment, the
brain keeps changing every moment, and
the mind keeps changing every moment.
The closer you observe yourself, the more
obvious it becomes that nothing endures
even from one moment to the next.
A moment of clarity
So, what holds together an entire life?
If you don’t know the answer to that, you
don’t understand life, and you certainly
have no chance of understanding death. If
and when you ever discover what holds life
together, the answer to the big question of
death will also become apparent.
People say: ‘The soul endures from
birth to death and thereby holds life
together,’ but that is just a story. Have you
ever observed a soul? You can explore this
at any moment, not just at the moment
of death. If you can understand what
happens to you as one moment ends and
another moment begins, you will also
understand what will happen to you at
the moment of death. If you can really
observe yourself for the duration of a
single breath, you will understand it all.
The first thing I learned by observing
my breath was that – notwithstanding
the books I had read and the classes I had
attended – I knew almost nothing about
my mind, and I had little control over it.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t
observe the reality of my breath coming
in and out of my nostrils for more than
48 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
“ I lived under the
impression I was
the CEO of my life.
Meditation showed
me I was not the “ I was 24 years old when I went to this
CEO, I was barely
the gatekeeper
10 seconds before my mind wandered.
For years, I lived under the impression
that I was the master of my life and the
CEO of my own personal brand. But, a
few hours of meditation were enough to
show me that I had hardly any control
of myself. I was not the CEO, I was barely
the gatekeeper. I was asked to stand
at the gateway of my body – the nostrils
– and simply observe whatever comes
in or goes out. Yet, after a few moments,
I lost focus and abandoned my post. It
was an eye-opening experience.
As the course progressed, students
were taught to observe not just their
breath, but sensations throughout their
body. Not special sensations of bliss and
ecstasy, but rather the most mundane
and ordinary sensations: heat, pressure,
pain and so on. The technique of
vipassana is based on the insight that the
flow of mind is closely interlinked with
sensations in the body. Between me
and the world there are always bodily
sensations. I never react to events in
the outside world; I always react to the
sensations in my own body. When
the sensation is unpleasant, I react with
aversion. When the sensation is pleasant,
I react with cravings for more. Even when
we think we react to what another person
has done – to Donald Trump’s latest
tweet, or a distant childhood memory, the
truth is we always react to our immediate
bodily sensations. If we are outraged that
somebody insulted our nation or our god,
what makes the insult unbearable is the
burning sensations in the pit of our
stomach and the band of pain that grips
our heart. Our nation feels nothing,
but our body really hurts.
Do you want to know what anger is?
Observe the sensations that arise and
pass in your body while you are angry.
retreat, and had experienced anger
probably 10,000 times, yet I had never
bothered to observe how anger actually
feels. Whenever I had been angry,
I focused on the object of my anger;
something somebody did or said, rather
than on the sensory reality of the anger.
I think I learned more about myself
and humans in general by observing my
sensations for those 10 days than I had
learned in my whole life up to that point.
And, to do so, I didn’t have to accept any
story, theory, or mythology, I simply had
to observe reality. The most important
thing I realised was that the deepest
source of my suffering is in the patterns
of my own mind. When I want something
and it doesn’t happen, my mind reacts by
generating suffering. Suffering is not an
objective condition in the outside world,
it is a mental reaction generated by my
own mind. Learning this is the first step
towards ceasing to generate more of it.
Which world is real?
Since that first course, I began meditating
for two hours a day and, each year, I take a
long meditation retreat of a month or two.
It is not an escape from reality, it is getting
in touch with reality. For at least two
hours a day, I actually observe reality
as it is while, for the other 22 hours, I get
overwhelmed by emails, tweets and cute
puppy videos. Without the focus and
clarity provided by this practice, I could
not have written Sapiens or Homo Deus.
For me, meditation never came into
conflict with scientific research – rather,
it has been a valuable tool in the scientific
toolkit, especially when trying to
understand the human mind.
Yuval Noah Harari is the author of ‘Sapiens’ and ‘Homo
Deus’ (both Vintage, £9.99). His new book, ‘21 Lessons
For The 21st Century’ (Vintage, £18.99) is out now
 in partnership with Ollie School

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The Ollie methodology is all about empowering
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N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 49
women v cancer
cycle milan
to venice
10-14 October 2019

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To take part you need to pay a registration fee of £149 and raise minimum sponsorship funds of £1,600.
 orgasmic life

In all innocence
Is it possible to embrace your sexual energy without judgement
or shame? As her journey continues, Karla Newbey explores
shedding negative emotions associated with past experiences

W e all have a history; throughout

our lives, our experiences shape
us. Negative ones can cause
us to disassociate from parts of ourselves.
Unconsciously, we pick up messages from our
family, friends, teachers, the media and culture
that cause us to reject aspects of our personality
as we learn to doubt or judge. I came from a
household where sex was not embraced – rather,
the subliminal messages I picked up were that
sex was dangerous and men were dangerous.
Becoming whole
Many of us have experienced some kind of
non-consensual sexual contact or even abuse.
In last month’s column, I discussed my first
experience of sex: being raped at 13. How do I
now heal this wound and continue on my tantra
journey? If I allowed this part of my history to
stop me on my path towards sexual fulfilment,
it would mean it still had power over me.
On my first tantra workshops, I’d learned to
express my ‘no’. One of the pillars of the Shakti
Tantra teaching is that you have to listen to your
body and be able to act on your ‘no’ before you
can progress. Since then, I’d been wielding my
‘no’ in all areas of my life – including with lovers.
As I learned to stick up for myself and speak my
truth in any given situation, I also became aware
that this wasn’t a skill I had at 13 – I didn’t tell
anyone about my experience until I was an adult
– and, although there was sadness and regret
ILLUSTRATION: JESSICA DURRANT/GETTY IMAGES
Despite the benefits for many, I wasn’t
interested in spending years in therapy,
analysing the complex belief systems and
experiences that prevented me feeling
pleasure. I wanted to focus on creating a
positive, new mindset that would serve me
better. As inventor Buckminster Fuller said,
‘You never change things by fighting the
existing reality. To change something,
build a new model that makes the old
model obsolete.’ This was a journey
towards pleasure and, as much as
possible, I decided it should be fun.
I wanted to see if I could rediscover
my innocence, to find out if I could
fully exist in my sexual energy
without judgement or shame.
Hilly Spencerley, founder of Shakti
Tantra, says, ‘Before we can fully expand
into pleasure, we have to let go of negative
beliefs and patterns created by past experiences
or picked up in childhood, so that we can
reconnect our sex to our hearts. We have to feel
the innocence of our sexuality again.’ I needed
to find out if this was possible for me, so I booked
onto the third workshop of their mixed tantra
programme: Innocence. Here, the idea was that
I could reconnect with my inner child, not by
becoming childish, but by experimenting
with embracing childlike innocence from
the perspective of the adult I now was.
Armed with a soft cuddly toy and a furry

attached to this realisation, I felt a lot of power onesie, the requisite props for this weekend
as I became more confident that I could express event, I headed towards another new beginning.
myself better in the future. So, what was next? To be continued…

Karla Newbey is attending the Women’s Shakti Tantra programme,

shaktitantra.co.uk. The women’s programme has five levels, which
run as consecutive workshops, spread out over a year. Innocence is the
third workshop. For details on Karla’s journey, visit yabyum.co.uk and
follow her on Twitter @karla_newbey. For those seeking support as
survivors of sexual abuse, contact thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 51
 How do
you deal
with bullies?
In our column and podcast series, Professor
Sarah Niblock, CEO of UKCP, explores real-life
challenges that affect us all and how therapy
can help. This month, we look at how to handle
the bullies we meet in our lives
B ullies, we’ve all encountered them. Whether
they’re intimidating bosses or colleagues,
controlling partners, shaming relatives, even
unnerving neighbours – their impact is felt deeply. We
come across them at work, in the street and online. Our
computer screens are a powerful tool for good, until
faceless trolls start attacking with words of hate.
A growing body of evidence confirms that bullying
is one of the worst experiences we can endure. It attacks
our sense of self. The effects are profound, long-lasting
and acutely felt. Research shows that those of us who
have been bullied are more likely to suffer from mental
health issues, suicidal thoughts and depression.
It’s not you, it’s me – or is it?
As children, we’re led to believe it’s just an inevitable part
of growing up. We blame ourselves when we are victims of
bullying – maybe I could do something differently, why
me, why not that person? Let me tell you straight, there’s
nothing wrong with you. Some of the most successful icons,
including Katy Perry, Rihanna and Beyoncé, have shared their
own experiences. Our psychotherapists report an increased
compulsion to bully in today’s competitive society. In
a world of winners and losers, people will do anything to
inflate their fragile status, including pulling others down.  ‘success’, where are we to channel our feelings of inadequacy
So much so, that a national police hub has been set
up to crack down on bullies who commit online hate crime
against other internet users based on their race, religion,
52 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
sexual orientation,
disability or gender.
In the therapy room, it is
very telling that bullying tends to come up only much later in
the conversation, if at all. This is because, all too often, those
who experience bullying find it so shameful – whether as the
perpetrator or recipient – that they can barely speak of it.
Just as in childhood, most adults ignore the bully because
we’re taught that not reacting divests them of their power.
Yet in protecting ourselves from further hurt, we’re in danger
of burying those acutely painful feelings of shame, rather
than addressing them.
But what if you are the bully? Many of us feel regret at
childhood or even more recent misdemeanours. It does
not mean that you’re a bad person. Psychotherapists
describe bullying as a transferring of shame. When our
own shame feels unbearable, one coping mechanism is
simply to project it out of ourselves and onto another
person. The effects are temporary, do not remove – and
may even compound – the original shame.
Certainly, the internet makes it easier for bullies to project
their own feelings of inadequacy onto others, perhaps
complete strangers. The avatar dilutes any shred of empathy
even further. With social media ablaze with representations of
if we don’t meet that ideal? Talking can definitely help and
is the first step in tackling the matter, whether it’s a current
situation or something that happened many moons ago.
 in partnership with UKCP

ASK THE EXPERT…

Psychotherapist Sue Cowan-Jenssen
talks about ways in which we can
combat bullying behaviour

Q What is the definition bully’s motives and actions,

of bullying? you take the focus off yourself
There’s no legal definition and turn it on them. The bully
of bullying, but I think of it as wants to feel better by making
repeated behaviour by an someone feel worse.
individual or group with the
aim of demeaning, shaming, Q If you think
humiliating or threatening you use bullying
another person. This can behaviour, what steps
occur within a family, peer can you take to change?
group, school, workplace, If you find yourself tempted
community or online. to bully, you also know that it’s
coming from an unhappy place
Q If you feel that you in yourself. It requires looking at
are being bullied, unwanted feelings and admitting
what can you do about it? that your need to find relief
Speak up. Being bullied can from these feelings is making
feel shameful because you you cruel. If you bully, it is
wonder why it’s you that is because you have contempt,
being targeted. Talking is a rather than compassion, for the
powerful antidote. Ideally, if it’s vulnerable part of yourself.
What should we do if we think we’re being bullied? happening at work, report it. If you could have more
If it’s taking place at work, keep a diary with dates and In the podcast [details below], empathy, you wouldn’t have
details, and speak to your employer or HR department for I mention a technique that can to ‘dump’ your pain on another.
guidance. You may also have a trade union representative help when you feel attacked, Compassion for self and others
you can consult. One of our biggest fears about making which I think of as the ‘mirror’ is a crucial anti-bullying tool.
a complaint at work is that it will mark us out as weak, technique. By honing in on the suecowanjenssen.co.uk
or that it could even escalate once the accused finds out.
LISTEN TO THE TALKING THERAPIES PODCAST
What you can do How to deal with bullies
Psychotherapists recommend that anyone witnessing Listen to psychotherapist Sue Cowan-Jenssen and UKCP’s Matt
a bullying incident support the recipient, so that they’re Nicholls discuss the shame bullying creates and strategies to stop
not confronting the issue alone. Or you might wish to it. See psychologies.co.uk/how-handle-bullying-podcast-ukcp
PHOTOGRAPH: PÅL HANSEN. HAIR AND MAKE-UP: CARL STANLEY

speak to the bully or harasser directly. Alternatively, if

the bullying is actually happening, react with questions
such as, ‘Why are you saying that?’ – pushing the
statement back onto them.
Bullying is a hugely complex topic manifested in myriad
ways. What’s clear is that whether you’ve been bullied or
have done the bullying, it is not a reflection of how good
a person you are or a sign that something’s wrong with
you. Working with a UKCP psychotherapist will help you
to confront your vulnerability, address emotions that may
have been buried for a long time, releasing you from their
control, so that you can live your life with confidence.
About the UKCP and how to find a therapist
● The UKCP Alongside professional ● To find the right therapist,
log on to psychologies.co.uk/
support for our members, we are the
leading research, innovation, educational find-a-therapist and look at our
and regulatory body working to advance Life Labs Channel of experts
psychotherapies for the benefit of all. who may be able to help, or visit
Our membership includes more than psychotherapy.org.uk/find-a-therapist
8,000 therapists and 70 training and to locate a therapist near you.
accrediting organisations. Members
work privately, in public health or
third-sector organisations, offering
a range of approaches for couples,
individuals, families and groups.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 53

Unbroken
home
Divorce happens, but it doesn’t have to damage the
children. Charlotte Gray, whose parents separated
when she was three years old, offers a guide
O ne week, I live at Mum’s,
the next, at Dad’s; except
on Tuesdays, when I
always stay at Mum’s no
matter which week it is, and Wednesdays,
when I always stay at Dad’s place.
Growing up the child of a ‘shared-
parenting’ agreement in the late 1990s
was still unusual, and I used it to good
effect in the playground. Even more
unusual was the idea that you could be
a happy, functional child of a ‘broken
home’, but that’s the way it was for me.
Now aged 28, I look back on my
relationships
childhood with gratitude. My parents gave
me a stable, happy foundation. And these
are some of the ways in which they did it…
1
Shield a child
from drama
I don’t remember my
parents’ separation
– it happened when I was three. Later,
family members would insinuate that
it was less than amicable, but I was
protected from this. On the occasions
when they had to see one another >>>
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 55
>>>

“suggests
Recent research
a 50-50
parenting split is the
healthiest choice for
children, especially “
those between the
ages of three and five
– pickups, drop-offs, parents’ evenings –
they were, for lack of a better word,
formal. Information got relayed clearly
and quickly, with polite smiles and
pleasantries. The topic of conversation
rarely veered from me, my school work,
and my extra-curricular activities.
‘As a therapist, one of the things that
I’m always encouraging couples to do
is consider the needs of the child,’ says
Denise Knowles, a family counsellor

from the relationship charity Relate.
We all know this, of course, but it is not
so easy in real life, and I saw it slip
a few times, when Mum called Dad
stingy, and he bit back with some
comment about her less-than-frugal
spending habits. But it never broke
out into a full-blown row.
‘As long as parents can maintain
a reasonably respectful – I’m not even
going to say amicable – relationship
with one another, then that seems to
benefit the children,’ says Knowles.
“haveDaily
to lose the bond that I’d built with you,’ rules may
Dad said. ‘I had no intention of being
a “McDonald’s father”, so we agreed been different
that because we were both working, but, for the most
part, my parents
it was practical to share your care. We
felt it would have the least traumatic “
impact on you if you saw both parents would talk about
for a good amount of time.’
Back then, I was the only child in my the big things
school to live between homes. But it is
becoming more popular. Last year, the from single-parent households.
UK Fatherhood Institute reported that Although I can’t speak for others,

2
more than half of separated dads shared I don’t recall pining for a happy nuclear
Find a residential childcare with the mother equally or took family. Or giving it much thought at all.
situation that

works for all
Each childhood memory
I’ve held onto takes place in one of two
homes. The houses were less than
a mile from one another, with my
secondary school in between. I have
no memory of how this setup came
to be, but Dad tells me it was the only
logical option when he and Mum split.
‘I’d always been very involved in your
care so, when I moved out, I didn’t want
sole care of the child at least once a week.
My parents’ belief that it was the
‘least traumatic’ setup may have been
on the money, too. Recent research by
Uppsala University in Sweden suggests
that this 50-50 parenting split is the
healthiest choice for kids, especially
those between the ages of three and
five. The study also found that children
from shared-parenting families had
‘fewer behavioural problems and
psychological symptoms’ than those
3
Try not to
fret over
separate rules
The day-to-day logistics
of living in two homes could be a real
minefield. Aside from constantly
forgetting where I’d left my science book
and getting scolded by teachers for it,
there were the ‘flip-flop rules’. Each time
I crossed the threshold of one of my
homes, I was subject to different

56 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8

“knowing
I have grown up
they both
care, that they are
both an equal part
of my life; I can
turn to either of “ I asked both parents – separately. Mum
them in times
of hardship
parentally enforced guidelines.
Mum’s rules were quite lax. She let
me eat whatever I pleased and spend
hours on the phone at night, calling
my friends. At weekends, we would
binge-watch box sets together, order
takeaways and gossip.
Dad’s rules were stricter, involving
less TV time and almost zero fast
food. He and my paternal grandma
– who I saw frequently – encouraged
me to spend my time reading, playing
games and exercising. Of course,
at the time, being denied Happy
Meals and made to swim once a week
felt like an unthinkable injustice,
but I now understand the rationale
behind both sets of rules.
PHOTOGRAPHS: EVGENIJ YULKIN/STOCKSY
‘There may often be a bit of a
split, but that’s not uncommon
when there are two parents living
together either,’ explains Knowles.
‘I will often say to parents: it’s not
a bad thing if you’ve got different
approaches. It’s about how that
difference is explained to the child.’
4 Don’t undermine
your ex
Daily rules may have
been different but, for the most part,
my parents would talk about the big
things. From whether I should apply
to grammar school to if I was allowed to
go on school trips abroad, they handled
each issue together. Still, one memory
sticks out, when they failed to present
a united front, and it left a lasting
impression. Like most young girls, I’d
wanted pierced ears since I’d been old
enough to glance into the window of
Claire’s Accessories and see the joyous
event taking place. When I was about 10,
was open to the idea; Dad, on the other
hand, called it ‘self-mutilation’ and
repeatedly refused to give his consent.
A year or so later, while we were on
holiday, Mum took me to a jeweller
on a whim and I got my wish. She then
dialled a number, smirking, and put
me on the phone saying, ‘You’d better
tell your dad.’ It wasn’t her proudest
moment. In hindsight, I see this for
what it was – a passive-aggressive move.
Maybe I saw it at the time, but I was
too giddy with my new studs to care.
I’d thought Dad would tell me off. He
didn’t. He barely spoke about my pierced
ears at all except, years later, humorously
noting that I’d paid someone to ‘put
holes in my body’. I can only assume
that he chose not to rise to the bait – it
worked: Mum didn’t pull that one again.
5
Unite when
it matters
Despite the rare bouts
of pettiness, there’s one thing of which
I’m truly proud. When it mattered, my
parents came together to support me.
I was around 13 years old when a bout
of depression hit me. The low moods,
lack of sleep, sick feeling – it was scary.
I didn’t want to go to school or even
leave the house and, at times, I didn’t. It
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 57
relationships
was a temporary teenage wobble, fixed,
if not easily, then quickly, with a little
understanding and a lot of listening. As
much as I struggled, I know my parents
did, too. The two of them came together.
I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have
come through this bleak period without
their actions, but it helped. Instead of
demanding that I ‘buck up,’ they asked
me what was wrong and heard me when
I said I truly didn’t know.
6
Focus on
building bonds
Don’t get me wrong, my
childhood wasn’t perfect.
I argued with Dad as a teenager. I argued
with Mum for longer. I screamed things
in anger that I should never have
screamed. These are the lowlights, but
you get the idea. Thankfully, I had the
chance to work through these teething
problems with both my mum and dad,
and figure out how to overcome them
with them both in the picture.
‘The fact that, from an early age, it was
shared residency, rather than contact,
your parents were given the opportunity
to say, “When you’re with me, we’ve got
to work out how we’re going to get
through the less-than-lovely times,”’
says Knowles. ‘That’s part and parcel
of developing a healthy, rounded
relationship with both parents.’
Fast-forward and I’m a young adult,
who has solid relationships with my
mum and my dad. For that, I count
myself lucky. I’ve grown up knowing that
they both care; that they are an equal
part of my life; and that I can turn to
either of them in times of hardship.
While I can’t imagine a different
single-parent childhood or how it would
have turned out, I can say that, for me,
this route worked. I don’t see myself
as the former child of a broken home, but
the former child of two stable and loving
households. Twice as much drama, but
twice as much love and support, too.
relate.org.uk
 Coach yourself
New
series
to a better work life
Are you considering hiring a qualified coach but don’t know who to choose? We are excited
to present the Psychologies-approved ‘Find a coach’ directory, in partnership with Barefoot
Coaching. Here, respected coach Pete Mosley helps a reader with a professional problem
The ‘Psychologies’-
endorsed ‘Find
a coach’ directory,
with Barefoot
Coaching, provides readers with
a choice of top coaches, all
with postgraduate training and
accredited by the University of
Chester and the International
Coach Federation. Find a coach
who suits you, to help you navigate
and transform your life – in the
areas of work, relationships,
parenting and leadership.
Editor-in-Chief
BAREFOOT COACHING
Psychologies’ partnership
with Barefoot Coaching
gives you the tools to find a coach
who meets your needs. Barefoot
Coaching has been at the
forefront of coaching and coach
training for 25 years. It has a
proven track record as a provider
of high-level coaching and coach
58 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
ASK THE EXPERT…
Pete Mosley, author of ‘The Art of Shouting Quietly:
A Guide To Self-Promotion For Introverts And Other
Quiet Souls’, gives advice on workplace confidence
Q I am an introvert and find
it difficult to speak up at
work. I’m great at my job but I feel
overlooked and invisible. How can
I increase my self-belief?
Confidence is best built in a series
of tiny steps. At work, it’s difficult to
gather all the courage you have and
talk up in a meeting. Suddenly, all eyes
are on you, and the danger is that you
freeze or fumble your words. Here’s
how to focus people’s attention on
your ideas, and not on you.
● Prepare a simple document that
summarises what you want to say
– a mind map, flow chart or a
basic bulleted list. Make it visually
appealing with a low word count.
training to organisations and Postgraduate Certificate
senior executives, nationally in Business and Personal
and internationally. Coaching is one of the most
well-established coach training
Train as a coach with courses in the UK. Barefoot runs
Barefoot Coaching
The Barefoot Coaching
regular, free introductions to
coach training throughout the
International Coach year. Visit barefootcoaching.
Federation- accredited co.uk/taster-morning to book.
● Ask whoever is leading the
meeting if they will add your topic to
the agenda, so it’s not you trying
to break into the flow of the meeting.
Or, enlist a colleague to introduce
the subject and hand over to you.
Give everyone a copy, and lead
people through the document. See it
as your script, to keep you on track.
● Let people know you’re willing to
talk about your ideas one-to-one.
Your colleagues will appreciate
that you’ve given them something
structured to consider, and your
boss will be happy you’ve spoken up.
● Don’t worry about being a bit
wobbly at first. This technique
works and, over time, will help you
build confidence and gain respect.
Pete Mosley helps people grow confidence in
themselves, their ideas, and connecting with
others. ‘The Art of Shouting Quietly’ (PSB
Design & Print, £12.99). petemosley.com
Listen to the
podcast:
Our monthly podcast
of Kim Morgan and Suzy Walker discussing
coaching dilemmas is on the ‘Psychologies’
Podcast Channel on iTunes and SoundCloud
 in partnership with Barefoot Coaching

WORK
HOME
10 Rate how
FAMILY fulfilled you
feel at work,
then create a
plan to up it
5 by 3 points
MONEY this month

10 5 1 5 10

ADVENTURE FRIENDS
5

RELATIONSHIPS WELLBEING
10

The wheel of life

Cut out this page and put it somewhere visible. Use the wheel of life, a classic coaching tool, to improve
your working life and work-life balance. The wheel allows you to focus on improving one segment of
CUT OUT AND KEEP

life at a time, while giving you an overall picture of all the parts that comprise a happy life

This month, we are
concentrating on work life
l Focus on how you honestly feel about
work, then give it a score – with 1 being
awful and 10 being brilliant.
l Brainstorm with a friend or hire a
✂
l Break it down into baby steps. What
would improve your work life by 1 point?
(For example, creating a new admin
system, or clearing your desk?)
l What would improve your work life
by another point? And another? Maybe
workload. What action can you take?
Could you experiment with a different
way of thinking to raise your score?
l Every month, we’ll address different
segments of the wheel – but feel free
to work on all parts of your wheel of life

coach to figure out ways that you can you need to initiate a conversation at the same time. Refer to it frequently
improve the score by 3 over four weeks. with a colleague or boss about your to track your progress. Good luck!

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 59
psychology
The last word on…
Managing regret
Oliver Burkeman helps us reflect on life decisions that
were not right for us, and learn from them for the future
T he Danish philosopher Søren
Kierkegaard had a downbeat approach
to regret: ‘Marry and you will regret
it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or
don’t marry, you will regret it either way.’ But
he had a point. It often seems as if regret is
inescapable, and some of it probably is. But, by
understanding what kind of choices you regret
the most, and why, you can build a life that you
will look back on with satisfaction.
Accept your limitations. It sounds defeatist,
but a first step towards a regret-free life comes from
acknowledging that you won’t do some of the things
you dream about (because you have a finite lifespan)
and that you will make mistakes along the way
(because you’re flawed, just like the rest of us). That
makes it easier to reconcile yourself to regrets, but
also helps avoid future ones: once you realise you’ll
never follow every path you can imagine, you can
concentrate on picking the most important ones.
Focus on the ‘ideal self’ more than the
‘ought self’. Recent research suggests we’re
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES
more distressed by ‘ideal self regrets’ – when
you fail to follow your dreams – than ‘ought self
regrets’, when you behave badly, say by cheating
on a partner or failing to spend time with an ageing
relative. That’s not an argument for being unethical,
60 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
but rather for pushing yourself to take risks in
pursuit of your ambitions. And don’t expect that to
feel great at first: experiencing fear in the present is
often the price you pay for reduced regret in future.
Reframe the past. Psychotherapists have long
understood that the stories we tell ourselves about
the past are at least as important as what actually
happened. The point isn’t to pretend your life didn’t
take a regrettable turn, but to seek meaning in
the experience. Did it increase your capacity
for empathy, reveal your resilience, or lead to
important friendships? All your past experiences
helped make you who you are, so there’s a good
chance the ones you regret played some role in
the things you currently value.
Try time travel. When facing an important
life choice, asking, ‘What will make me happiest?’
can lead you astray. You’re more likely to make
regret-proof decisions by imagining yourself in old
age, looking back on life, and asking what you’d like
to be able to say you had done. Or imagine someone
else delivering a eulogy at your funeral: what do
you wish they could truthfully say about your
life? Start living it that way, right now, and you’ll
almost certainly never regret it.
Oliver Burkeman is author of ‘The Antidote: Happiness For
People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking’ (Canongate, £8.99)
 Dossier

Project
mankind
In this Dossier, we ponder the
question: what does it mean to
be a man in the 21st century?
How can our menfolk take care of their
emotional health and thrive? We talk to five
very different men about what it means to be
a man, what needs to change to leave behind
the era of ‘toxic masculinity’ and how men can
break through the walls that hold them back
from expressing their emotions. Plus,
inspiration from Mark Ormrod, former
marine, coach and speaker, who talks about
taking responsibility in challenging times.
Then, make sure you turn to page 74 and
take our test to discover what unconscious
beliefs you might be holding about the men in
your life, and what you might need to let go of
to create a new era for all mankind.

FOR SUPPORT AND EMOTIONAL WISDOM, JOIN OUR LIFE LEAP CLUB – FREE TO SUBSCRIBERS! WE’RE IN IT TOGETHER!

62 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
GO TO PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK/SUBSCRIPTIONS FOR COACHING MASTERCLASSES AND WORKBOOKS
Dossier

How to be a man
in the 21st century
Could a better understanding of the men in our lives bring
more harmony to the world, and true equality for everyone?
We ask five very different men what needs to happen for their
mental health to flourish, how to abandon ‘toxic masculinity’
and create a new future for all mankind

“The more I talked about my trauma,

the less power it had over me”

L
ewis Howes is was five years old. For 25 years, I had kept it a secret. I
The New York Times didn’t tell anyone. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.
bestselling author I thought no one would love me if they knew that about
of The School Of Greatness and a lifestyle me. Once I started to process the trauma, I could start to
entrepreneur. A former professional American heal. The more I talked about it, the more power I had
football player, he is currently in the national over it and the less power it had over me. For 30 years, I

men’s handball team. His The
School Of Greatness podcast has
been downloaded 75 million times
and is ranked one of the top 100
podcasts in the world on iTunes.
In 2013, Howes was recognised by
former US president Barack Obama
as one of the top 100 entrepreneurs
in the country under the age of 30.
‘In my personal life, and my career,
I’d always subscribed to traditional
notions of masculinity. Work hard, be
tough, win at all costs, be aggressive.
1in8
would sit in bed for hours, suffering
with anxiety. Once I learned to heal
the trauma, I could sleep again. It
gave me inner peace,’ he says. ‘Even
if men haven’t experienced trauma,
I want them to be able to access a
men in the UK wide range of emotions, and also
has experienced  to be able to express them.
‘I was building a business around
a mental health “greatness” and it didn’t seem like
problem* a smart financial move to write a
book about vulnerability and
masculinity,’ he says of his latest
STUDIO/STOCKSY. *MENTALHEALTH.ORG.UK
WORDS: ALI ROFF. PHOTOGRAPHS: BONNIN

As a straight “jock” guy, I was not allowed to share my
emotions,’ he says. ‘My pain, my fear, my anxiety? I
had to swallow them or be called multiple derogatory
names. Until my late 20s, about all I was doing was
suffering. The torment of my school years – having
trouble reading, being big and awkward and enduring
my fair share of bullying – was so profound, I could
hardly stand to be alive. Four and a half years ago,
I opened up about being raped by a man when I
book, The Mask Of Masculinity, ‘but it was the only next
step I could take. I’m now committed to helping men
end their suffering, to find a way to be vulnerable, to feel
less lonely, to express themselves, access inner peace
and for ways for them to create meaning, fulfilment,
love and connection in their lives.’
‘The Mask Of Masculinity: How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create
Strong Relationships, And Live Their Fullest Lives’ (Hay House, £14.99)
To hear the podcast of Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker interviewing Lewis
Howes, go to the ‘Psychologies’ Podcast Channel on iTunes and SoundCloud >>>

64 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 65
Dossier

>>>
“I think the nuclear family got a bad
rap, and I see that as a big mistake”

J
ordan B Peterson is a clinical
psychologist and professor
(now on sabbatical) at the
University of Toronto. He has a strong following of
young men, and has been in the headlines recently
in relation to several controversial gender-related
subjects, including debates around monogamy and
gender-neutral pronouns. Here’s what he has to say
about being a man in the 21st century…
‘There has been an overwhelming improvement in
living standards in the last 100 years, and it’s been
accelerating since the year 2000. Far fewer boys are
going to grow up in poverty, as a percentage of the
forms of relationships between men and women
provide for the possibility of that at least. So, my
sense is that breathing new life into old forms would
be a useful thing for us to do. If people aren’t able to
establish meaningful lives to tie them into a family
and the community in an engaging way, they are
more likely to become depressed. People need a
place and a purpose and a pathway forward. Part
of it too, of course, is the rate of technological change
– it’s more difficult for people to plot a pathway
forward, but they have more opportunity as well.
‘So, that’s the challenge: ensuring that people have
a place that they can carve out for themselves as

1a minute
world’s population, than has things change rapidly around
been the case in the history them. Again, that’s why I
of the planet. That means think that emphasis on the
more boys will be healthy traditional forms provides
and able to get schooling people with a certain amount 
and make use of their of stability,’ says Peterson.
talents. So, on a global level, Around the world, ‘All sorts of things are
things look positive for
men,’ he says.
on average, we lose a thrown into the relationship
mix now that we don’t really
‘More locally, in the West, man to suicide every understand. Dating apps
there is some conflict
between men and women
minute of every day * like Tinder are unbelievably
revolutionary. Tinder lowers
right now, as we work out the cost of rejection to virtually
our respective roles in the aftermath of [the social nil, and it makes sex more freely available to at least
changes that followed] the birth control pill – but a small minority of men – but the probability that
I suspect that we will probably muddle through as that’s a useful social innovation is, I would say, zero.
we always have,’ he says. It takes all the responsibility out [of relationships].
‘There’s also an ideological battle – the criticism ‘It doesn’t seem to be good for men or women
directed at the hypothetically tyrannical and to reduce intimacy to a technologically mediated
patriarchal structure – that does no one any good, series of one-night stands. And, if you treat people
as far as I’m concerned, least of all boys, who risk like that (as a means to an end, essentially,
having their ambition and high levels of activity because it seems to me that a one-night stand is
conflated with oppression and tyranny. It’s just short-term mutual pleasure and little else) then you
not helpful!’ says Peterson. basically reduce the interaction between men and
WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION

‘I think the nuclear family got a bad rap, and I
see that as a big mistake because that is the very
place people find key meaning in their lives. Career,
productive and meaningful use of your time outside
of work, family and an intimate relationship – that’s
pretty much 90 per cent of life. And the traditional
women to only that. I can’t see that leads anywhere
other than to something approximating a
psychopathic view of the world,’ says Peterson.
‘I can’t see how that can possibly be good for
anyone, men and women alike.’
Listen to the ‘Jordan B Peterson Podcast’ at jordanbpeterson.com
*

66 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 “I knew what it was like to be hugged. As
a man, I knew what it was like not to be”
T
homas Page McBee, a
trans man and author
of Amateur: A True Story
About What Makes A Man, gives his insight into
gender stereotypes and the reality of masculinity
in the modern world.
‘I started taking testosterone and transitioned in 2011
when I was 30. I became a man when the headlines
screamed that there was a crisis in masculinity.
A certain kind of man, it seemed, was disappearing
and dying and killing and overdosing,’ says McBee.
‘There is a “man box” used by sociologists in the
classroom. Boys are asked to draw a box and, inside
it, write phrases about being a man. What they choose
is a troubling primer in male socialisation: Do not cry
openly or show emotion. Do not express weakness or
fear. Demonstrate power and control (especially over
women). Do not be “like a woman”. Do not be “like a gay
man”. This is what is thought to be a “real man” by boys.
Suddenly, I had more privilege and power as a
white man of a certain age, but the trade-off made me
spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. I knew what it
was like to be hugged by my friends. As a man, I knew
what it was like not to be. I knew what I’d lost. I realised
I would have to abandon what one sociologist called
“my humanity” to uphold the false beliefs of the man
box. We need to challenge the old idea of masculinity.
Feminism taught women to do this about their own
gender a long time ago, but men need to look at our
behaviour and ask why we are conforming to certain
cultural expectations. Genuine inquiry is profound.
‘But I have a lot of hope for the future,’ he adds.
‘Young people are more open to possibilities…
of what gender can be; and they are more fluid in
their understanding. It’s up to us to keep having
these conversations, to question and challenge old
models that don’t work any more. To build equal
relationships and societies; to create a world free of
violence; to tackle the masculinity crisis – we must
first acknowledge how we are each failing, right now,
to see the full spectrum of humanity in ourselves,
and in others,’ he says.
‘Amateur: A True Story About What Makes A Man’ (Canongate, £14.99)
To hear the podcast of Editor-in-Chief Suzy Walker interviewing Thomas Page
McBee, go to the ‘Psychologies’ Podcast Channel on iTunes and SoundCloud >>>
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 67
Dossier
“We think men and women speak the
>>> same language but, actually, we don’t”
F
ormer teen magazine
agony uncle Mike Gayle
is a bestselling author,
whose books often explore male friendships, and
have complex protagonists at their heart.
‘I have a close group of friends I see weekly yet,
regularly, it will only be after the event that we find
out someone’s lost a parent or getting a divorce,’ says
Gayle. ‘It’s hard for men to talk, even to long-term
mates. Because men don’t discuss their emotions, when
problems do occur, we think we have to deal with them
alone, and that others aren’t going through similar
things. I think women are better at dealing with their
mental health – they have a support network and can
connect with other women faster – whereas I see the
opposite for men. We may have had strong friendships
when we were younger, but it only takes a couple of job
moves to lose friends and become isolated.
‘Your partner is often the only support you have.
However, you want to be the sort of man you think
“Men haven’t learned the skills to
manage our emotions and needs”
M
indfulness expert
Ed Halliwell was deputy
editor of men’s magazine
FHM in the 1990s, before retraining as a mindfulness
teacher, when he found that meditation was a useful
tool in helping him combat depression.
‘Thirty years ago, there were more defined roles for men
or, at least, a sense of what a man was “supposed” to be.
Wonderfully, a lot of that has broken down, which has
created possibility, but also uncertainty around what it
means to be a man,’ he says. ‘The generation of men below
mine have more flexibility, openness and willingness
to be vulnerable, and are more able to speak about their
experiences. They have an emotional intelligence that,
perhaps, men my age don’t have, and the highest rates
of suicide are in middle-aged men. I wonder if that is
because we grew up with these fi xed ideas: Men have to be
strong; men don’t talk; men are unemotional. We haven’t
68 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
your partner wants: strong and dependable, but there
are times when you cannot be that person, when you
need to say, “I can’t cope.” When you strip away
the things society defines as “being a man”; success,
financial security and so on… there is life beyond that
– and it’s a better life,’ says Gayle.
‘If you can make a man’s first experience of opening
up a non-scary one, where he feels listened to and
understood, he might be willing to talk again. It helps
to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. A way to do that
is to read books with male voices; hear their interior
monologue; understand a man’s way of thinking. I write
about men going through emotional change – creating
characters and situations with which men can connect.
I’ve had so many men tell me, “I thought I was the only
one going through that,” or, “You’ve written exactly what
I was feeling.” Problems arise when we think men and
women are speaking the same language when, actually,
we are not. It helps to be aware of that.’
‘The Man I Think I Know’ by Mike Gayle (Hodder & Stoughton, £14.99)
learned the skills to manage our emotions and needs; to
even understand what they are. To be able to open up and
speak, and hear what other people are saying, is part of
healing. What we’ve learned until now is not to do that.
‘Since I started to look at who I am through mindfulness,
I’m seeing patterns that are part of my evolutionary heritage,
and when they aren’t helpful. That can be difficult for men
my age – to untangle from ideas about who we should and
shouldn’t be,’ he says. ‘I’m glad mindfulness and social
and emotional education is happening; emotional health as
standard, not something we’ve got to take a remedial step
towards. Taking responsibility for our health is key.
‘If a man wants something to change, a first step has
already been taken, because the recognition something
is not working, there’s a crisis, an episode of depression,
or just a lack of meaning, means there’s motivation and
a willingness to examine the problem. He’s on the road.’
For more on Ed Halliwell’s mindfulness courses, go to edhalliwell.com
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 69
Dossier

Smart love
Q+A

Is there a clever way to seek love? John Williams, founder

of The Ideas Lab, vows to find out in a special Psychologies
project. He chats to Ali Roff about what brought him here,
and what’s next, as he launches The Love Challenge…

Q
You’re embarking on an exciting mission to
help yourself and Psychologies readers find
partners in a more intelligent manner. What
is your inspiration for this?
I’ve undertaken all sorts of projects in my business, but dating
women. How do you do it with integrity and without
overstepping the mark? It’s one of the questions we explore
in The Love Challenge. We need to have difficult conversations
about what’s OK, and what isn’t, to move forward.

and love has never been the focus of any of them. I’ve had
relationships but never met anyone I want to spend my life with.
My dad died when I was a baby, so I grew up without a father
figure, which made the issue of masculinity complex for me
because I’ve never had a role model. I also had low self-esteem,
which I’ve worked on, but that has influenced my dating life.
Q
What can you tell us about dating smarter?
A lot of people rely on online dating, and it can
work but, actually, for the amount of time you
put in (on average, people spend 15 hours a week browsing
Tinder and online dating profiles), only a small minority of
these dates become long-term relationships. Online dating

84%
I’m OK once I’m in a relationship, but I find can turn the whole exercise into a
it difficult to meet people. It becomes harder shopping experience – there’s always
as you get older because others your age are another swipe and another person.
coupled up. When I was struggling with low I interviewed Jean Smith of
self-esteem, I felt as if I was always on the back Flirtology – she’s one of our experts
foot. After my last relationship ended, I
realised something’s got to change if I’m going
of men believe on The Love Challenge podcast
– about how to flirt on the street;
to find somebody who I want to be with long friendship is vital strike up a conversation with anyone,
term. I thought, ‘I can’t be the only person,
man or woman, who has this problem!’ That’s
to men’s positivity anywhere, starting with asking a
complete stranger for directions.
when I decided to create The Love Challenge. and wellbeing *
Then, you ask a more personal
I’ve been talking to top experts for a podcast question, something like, ‘Can you
for Psychologies to learn innovative ways to approach dating. recommend a good restaurant?’; or, in the supermarket,
I’m applying what I learn to my own life and reporting on the ‘Do you know what sauce would go well with this pasta?’
process. I’m also inviting the experts to help me create Now, you’re asking for a personal opinion and practising
a transformational online experience for people to take their the lost art of initiating a conversation. You get better
own Love Challenge in 30 days this November. results having live contact with somebody than you do
flipping through online profiles.

Q
We can’t wait! Why is now the right time?

Me neither! I feel like we’re in an interesting
period. The #MeToo movement has made the
relationship between men and women extra charged. It’s
a great movement, but it means there’s increased sensitivity
about what is appropriate, and what isn’t, when men approach
Q
Men are usually the initiators. How can they
do that in a more authentic way?
I talked to John Cooper, a dating expert for men,
and he told me about the old model, when men use
psychological tactics to engage women as quickly as

70 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 possible, when the only thing that matters is getting her
phone number. His approach is to flip it and say, ‘My only goal
is to enjoy the process.’ We follow what we enjoy, so it becomes
31%
about how you enjoy talking to women and how you like going
on dates, rather than focusing on impressing a
person. I went out with someone who suggested
sitting in the park because it was a sunny day.
I thought, ‘Can you do that on a date; just hang
out?’ I thought you had to book a restaurant or
have a plan. To focus on enjoyment is a better
way to date; to ask, ‘Where can we go to have
of men (v 19 per
fun, even if we decide not to see each other cent of women)
again?’ It’s mindful and authentic dating.
feel they should be
the breadwinner
Q
How can psychology help
us date smarter?
I interviewed therapist and relationship expert
PHOTOGRAPH: BONNIN STUDIO/STOCKSY. *THE HARRY’S
Natasha Curnock about morphology, which is about body type
MASCULINITY REPORT, 2018; **THECALMZONE.NET
and personality styles. A mesomorph is the athletic type, and
they’re all about action. Ectomorphs are slim and often tall;
they think things through. An endomorph is pear-shaped, and
considers feelings. Say, for example, you’re faced with a
challenge: an endomorph will first process their emotions, an
ectomorph will come up with a plan and a mesomorph will leap
into action. What’s this got to do with relationships? It’s about
how we relate to each other. Ectomorphs, the thinkers, can’t be
in close contact for too long. If they’re having an intimate
conversation, they’re likely to want to go away and disconnect
for a bit. Endomorphs, the feelings people, will sit comfortably
in the presence of others for a long time.
Another consideration is attachment theory. If we have a
good relationship with our parents, particularly our mother,
we will develop a secure attachment style.
This means we can go into a relationship
and be intimate and allow ourselves to be
vulnerable, but not lose ourselves in the
relationship. If you don’t have a good
relationship with your mother or primary
caregiver, say because they have a mental
health problem or are not physically or
emotionally available, that will affect
your attachment style. You end up in one
**
of two primary dysfunctions: anxious
attachment style or avoidant attachment
style. Avoidant is somebody who avoids getting too close or
dependent, and anxious means needing constant reassurance
that the relationship is OK.
Q Is it possible to heal; to move past the behaviour
stopping you from having a happy relationship?
Yes, and that’s what I’ll be exploring in the podcast.
We’ll be looking beneath the surface to find out what really
works in finding love, and breaking some of the old ‘rules’ to
find a smarter, more authentic and more successful way.
Follow John Williams’ journey in his ‘The Love Challenge’ podcast for
‘Psychologies’ at psychologies.co.uk/love-challenge-podcast; theideaslab.org
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 71
Dossier
“Being a man is about
taking responsibility
for your life”
When he became the UK’s first triple amputee, Mark
Ormrod realised that manliness is more about living
up to your full potential than being an alpha male
INTERVIEW RIN HAMBURGH PHOTOGRAPH GARETH IWAN JONES
B
efore doing what I do now,
I was a Royal Marines
commando. In September
2007, I was deployed to Afghanistan
for a six-month tour. On Christmas
Eve, while on a routine foot patrol,
I stood on and detonated an explosive
device and became the UK’s fi rst
triple amputee from the confl ict.
I actually think I was pretty lucky.
When something like that happens,
there are two ways you can go. You can
think, ‘Why did this happen to me?’
Or you can look at it, assess it and say,
‘Well, there isn’t a lot I can do about it
now, so I’m just going to get on with
it.’ That was my natural go-to attitude.
In the beginning, it defi nitely shook
how I saw myself as a man. I used to be
6ft 2in and weigh 16 stone – not from
being fat, but from being fit and lifting
weights. All of a sudden, at my lightest,
I was just over 9 stone and, without
prosthetics, stood at 3.5 ft tall. One day,
I was a Royal Marine – one of the fittest
professions in the country – the next,
I was in a wheelchair, not even able to
72 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
sit up without someone helping me.
That really hurt at the beginning.
I based a lot of who I was on being
the alpha male macho guy, and it
all got taken away from me.
I had a few low moments in the
fi rst few weeks after being injured.
When I started doing rehab, it was
really difficult physically. I realised
physio is just as hard as military
training, and it made me think,
‘If I can do this, then I’m still the
man I was before.’
For me, being a man is about living
up to your potential holistically;
as an athlete, as a husband and as
a father. It’s about trying to reach
your potential in all those areas
of your life and not making excuses
for why you can’t do this or that.
I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all
when it comes to being a man. It’s about
taking responsibility for your life
instead of blaming everyone else,
the situation or the government,
for what’s gone wrong.
markormrod.com
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 73
Dossier

Test

What stereotype do you

need to challenge?
Limiting beliefs about men (and women) hold us all back from
having more meaningful, equal relationships. Take our test to
find out how unconscious bias influences your view of the sexes

1 Do you think many men

in positions of power:
♥ Have supportive women
l Deferred to and looked after
◆ Kind but hard to talk to
♥ Never really there for you
■ Rock
♥ Equal
◊ Best friend
◆

5 9
behind them
◆ Can compartmentalise The world would be In intolerant moments,
their feelings a better place if: you can’t help thinking
l Are doing a job that women ♥ There were more women that some men need to:
could do equally well in positions of power ♥ Grow up
■ Have more self-confidence ◆ We all talked to each other more ◊ Open up
◆
than many women l Everyone was judged on their l Wake up

2
individual merits ■ Man up

10
Which quality would most ■ People got back in touch with
put you off a potential old-fashioned values Generally speaking,

6
male partner? men need a steer on:
■ Passivity In terms of professional ◆ Communicating with women
♥ Immaturity success, the biggest hurdle l Understanding women
◆ Awkwardness for women is: ■ What women want
l Arrogance ■ A general belief that women are ♥ Taking more responsibility

3
nurturers, rather than hunters
If a boyfriend was always ♥ Women have to shoulder the bulk WORDS: SALLY BROWN. PHOTOGRAPHS: BONNIN STUDIOS/STOCKSY

late to meet you, you
would be most likely to think:
♥ It’s ridiculous – how difficult is
of society’s emotional labour Circle the answers that
◊ A lack of confidence and self-belief
◆ you most closely agree
l A cultural bias that favours men
with, then add up the

7
it to be on time?
symbols. Read the
l He seems to think his time is more If a man was to criticise you,
section (or sections
valuable than mine he might label you:
– sometimes there’s more
◆ He has no idea how infuriating it is ♥ Too controlling or bossy
■ Why can’t I meet someone ◊ Too emotional
◆
than one) you circled
more reliable? l Too easily offended
most, to find out what

4
■ Too demanding or needy stereotype you have

8
Growing up, your bought into, and how it
father was: An ideal partner is your: affects your perspective.
■ Solid as a rock l Biggest ally >>>

74 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 75
Dossier
What stereotype influences your thinking?
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ♥
You’ve bought into the ‘men
are big kids’ stereotype
Do you dismiss men as being ‘like children’ or ‘useless’?
Maybe you’ve made that sweeping judgement because he
doesn’t always sort the whites from the coloureds, forgot a
birthday, or sometimes arrives later than the agreed time.
It can be hurtful to be on the receiving end of ‘non-
committal’ behaviour, or lack of attention to detail, in a
romantic relationship – but, while you might claim that
your dismissal of men is ‘just banter’, the truth is it’s more
likely to be a defence mechanism against disappointment.
The cost to you is how you adjust your behaviour or
expectations based on this stereotype. Do you hold back
from taking risks in relationships because you expect to
be let down? Do you shoulder more responsibility or take
on more jobs because you don’t trust him to do them well?
The trouble with giving people labels is that they tend to
live up to them. If you’ve felt irritated, frustrated or hurt
by an ‘affectionate’ put-down, you’ll know how toxic
stereotyping can be. Raise your expectations of the ‘big
kid’ in your life for a week, and see what happens.
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ●
You’ve bought into the ‘men
have it easy’ stereotype
No periods or childbirth… More likely to be respected
at work, or get the job in the first place… Less likely
to suffer from low confidence or mood swings… Not
expected to ‘be nice’ or make everyone happy… Can
turn up in the same clothes all week and no one will
bat an eyelid… You can reel off reasons you think men
‘have it easier’ than women – and, yes, it’s important
to acknowledge and fight inequality, but you also
need to tap into an inner dialogue that empowers you.
If you constantly tell yourself that the world is
weighted against you, how does that make you feel?
We may have work to do in terms of equality but finding
an inner dialogue that inspires you, not demotivates you,
will help you build personal power. If your inner narrative
generates more resentment than determination, which
keeps you stuck in a place of inaction, gently replace
that inner script with one that enables you to challenge
the status quo. What do you need to do differently to help
you feel more empowered and question this stereotype?
76 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ◆
You’ve bought into the ‘men
are from Mars’ stereotype
‘Men aren’t in touch with their emotions.’ If you’re
nodding, you’ve fallen for the ‘men are from Mars’
myth. There’s no doubt cultural expectations differ
for boys and girls, and men may be more likely to
absorb the message that it’s good to be stoic, but
science shows little structural difference between
the male and female brain, and men have a need for
meaningful human connection, just like women.
You’re not being smart by attributing conflict
or misunderstanding to a man’s ‘lack of emotional
intelligence’, you’re limiting yourself and missing out
on an opportunity to understand the real dynamic
between you, including the part that you play. Every
man is an individual and deserves to be treated as
such. If you judge someone as ‘repressed’ or ‘in denial’
because they don’t react in the way you would, you may
be missing or dismissing the way they are expressing
emotion. Try approaching each relationship with
a ‘beginner’s mind’ and see what reveals itself.
IF YOU SCORED MAINLY ■
You’ve bought into the ‘knight
in shining armour’ stereotype
You might not admit it, even to yourself, but you are
holding onto the erroneous belief that all your problems
will disappear when you are with the right man. This
gender ‘conditioning’ is truly the stuff of fairy tales
– princes and distressed damsels – but the trouble with
putting men on a pedestal is that the only way for them
is down, and you are setting the scene for failure, then
disappointment. What potentially follows is resentment
that he can’t take responsibility for, or fix, difficulties in
your life. That sense of him coming up short can be a toxic
undercurrent, colouring the way you both feel and behave.
The added cost to you is that this stereotype increases
the risk of losing your sense of self, or deferring your
personal authority. The relief you may feel at not having
to make decisions will be short-lived, until you realise
the man you’ve elevated is not a demigod, just a flawed
human being like you. You know that there is nothing to
stop you getting on that horse and galloping towards a
happy ending of your own making!
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 77
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p82 The Plan l p89 The Open Mind Embracing the spaces in-between l p91 Feel Beautiful Products to soothe
and renew l p92 The Journey Gender quality: do men really need to man up? l p94 Balance Plan Life-giving water
l p97 Wholistic woman Henrietta Norton looks at natural remedies for PCOS l p99 Real Nutrition The awesome apple

EDITED BY EMINÉ RUSHTON

“autumnal
Wild is the music of the
winds amongst
the faded woods
”
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH
PHOTOGRAPH: MOSUNO/STOCKSY

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E 81
The plan
#360me
Every month, the #360me team will be sharing our baby-steps approach
to leading a healthier, happier life – expert-endorsed and real-life approved
GOOD EVENING
“Rower Holly Hill recently shared an
insightful tip with me about making
evenings feel longer, especially during the winter months.
Instead of zoning out in front of the TV after work,
dedicate some time every night to reading or learning
a new skill, such as playing a musical instrument. These
activities are more productive, and I’ve noticed making
this switch means the working day doesn’t feel quite so
encroaching” Hollie Grant, Fitness Editor @thepilatesPT
SHARE YOUR #360ME JOURNEY
FOLLOW US #360me @eminerushton
@psychologiesmagazine, psychologies.co.uk
82 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
29%
The number of people suffering
strokes or heart attacks as a result
of diabetes will increase by 29 per cent
by 2035, according to research by the
British Heart Foundation.* There are
four million people living with diabetes
in the UK, but this is expected to rise
to more than five million over the next
20 years, partly due to unhealthy
lifestyles and growing obesity rates.
Slippers,
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CLASS SLIPPER
‘I’m a sucker for a slipper, and I follow
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covered up as the weather starts to cool.
These cosy, comfy and funky slip-ons from
Mahabis are just the ticket – they’re made
to last, so will see me through many a year,
and their non-slip soles are a bonus when
I am dashing around after the children!’
@eminerushton
 the plan

#360me
body
Gently transformative
ideas for a happier body

#360 LOVES...
These fantastic new books explore
the essentials of good health

NEAL’S YARD
REMEDIES
COMPLETE
WELLNESS BOOK,
THE AIR THAT I BREATHE (Dorling Kindersley,
£25) From balms
‘In traditional Chinese cells and brain with much-needed oxygen, and oils to soothe,
medicine, the bridge which is vital for all our bodily processes. to foods that help our gut thrive,
between autumn and winter is the season We take in essential qi (energy) from the a wonderfully #360me look at our
of our lungs. One of the best ways to air, which the lungs use to perform many wellbeing, from these holistic pioneers.
strengthen the lungs is to breathe deeply. functions that keep us healthy. To relieve
It sounds simple but most of us only ever stress, go for a walk in the crisp, clean
THE COMPLETE
take shallow breaths. This not only affects autumn air, and fill your lungs with GUIDE TO BREAST
our immune system but our memory and heavenly qi; allow it to wash through CANCER by Trisha
energy levels, too. When we breathe deeply you, to calm and revive you.’ Annee de Greenhalgh and
and with intention, we are flooding our Mamiel, Spirit Editor @ademamiel Liz O’Riordan
(Vermilion, £14.99)
” The first evidence-
based book about
-TO-TRIGGER-SHARP-RISE-IN-HEART-ATTACKS-AND-STROKES-BY-2035

Lumie
Bodyclock breast cancer, written by two highly
My Lumie
EDITED BY: ELIZABETH BENNETT. PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES;

NEWS-ARCHIVE/2018/AUGUST/GROWING-DIABETES-EPIDEMIC

Spark 100, £75, respected doctors who have both

STOCKSY. *BHF.ORG.UK/WHAT-WE-DO/NEWS-FROM-THE-BHF/

johnlewis.com survived the disease.

alarm clock
is a must THE LONGEVITY

as the mornings get BIBLE (Godsfield

Press, £14.99)

darker. It wakes you “ A completely

holistic examination
up gradually, as if real sunlight of the science-
supported factors
is slowly filling up your bedroom that enable us to live fuller, happier
and healthier lives – for longer.
CATHERINE TURNER, WELLBEING EDITOR @CATHERINEYOGI

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 83
 spirit
Lift your spirit with these
great finds and useful insights

PERSONAL
PAPERS
“Kikki.K’s
infectiously optimistic founder, BARE YOUR SOLE
Kristina Karlsson, brings Spirit Editor Larah Davies invites us to take off
our shoes and walk barefoot outside, a practice that
wellbeing more tangibly into rebalances and renews us, physically and emotionally
our lives and, with the Paper
Lover’s range, she blends ‘Earthing by Clinton Ober (Basic inflammation, which can lead to

mindful crafting with tactile, Health Publications, £23.95) examines
how earthing – walking barefoot
pretty stationery. I love The on the earth – reconnects the body
Ultimate Paper Lover’s Book with negative ions in the ground and
for rainy-day projects with the restores balance for the positive ions.
The Earthing team reveal how
children, and secret solitary an excess of positive ions can create
moments, when sticking and
colouring just seem to make
life better” @eminerushton
JOIN THE
DOTS
‘I highly
recommend
this captivating
and inspirational
book about
embracing the The More Beautiful World
Our Hearts Know Is
idea that we’re all Possible by Charles
living in a state of Eisenstein (North
Atlantic Books, £15.99)
mutual symbiosis
The Ultimate Paper – interconnectedness or “interbeing”.
Lover’s Book, £48,
kikki-k.com Its message stuck with me.’ Nicky
Clinch, Spirit Editor @nicky_clinch
asthma, Alzheimer’s and arthritis. On an
emotional level, earthing ‘grounds’ the
overabundance of stimulation from our
mind, body and nervous system, which
can increase our anxiety and stress.’
Larah Davies, Spirit Editor
@ibizaretreats
PODCASTS
WE LOVE
Sharing the power
VITAL VOICES
‘This series of uplifting interviews
with women in leadership equips
those with business, marketing and
communications skills to expand
their enterprises, provide for their
families and create jobs in their
communities. Listen at itunes.apple.
com/us/podcast/vital-voices-
radio-podcast.’ Larah

84 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 the plan

#360me
mind
This month’s food for thought... Tell
us how you get on by using #360me

12weeks
New research* published in the
Journal Of Neuroimaging highlighted
a link between a regular tai chi practice
and both physical and psychological
benefits. Participants in the study,
conducted over 12 weeks, saw marked
I AM, I CAN
improvement to their brain metabolism ‘This is a powerful mantra. The first part, “I am”, allows
and muscle energetics. you to own how you feel in the moment. The “I can” part
encourages you to focus on what lies within your control.
I like to draw on the “I can” to remind me of a strength that I have which will help
me step up to meet the demands of a situation. For example: “I am tired” is the
honest truth – but “I can also be resilient and motivated”. Or, if I am confused,
SILENCE IS I can call on my curiosity and resourcefulness to find clarity. Experiment with

A VIRTUE your “I am, I can” and see what you tap into. It’s an empowering excercise.’
Suzy Reading, Mind Editor @suzyreading
“While I was
on a silent retreat in India,
”
the teacher said to me, ‘Silent MAN V
is an anagram of listen’ – and MACHINE
What
you seek is
PHOTOGRAPHS: GETTY IMAGES; STOCKSY. *SCIENCEDAILY.

it was a light-bulb moment for

me! It highlights the value of
‘The subtitle of this
seeking
“
COM/RELEASES/2018/04/180419100204.HTM

enlightening book
being quiet in order to really
hear, not only to reconnect
is “What Artificial
Intelligence
you
with ourselves, but also with Teaches Us About
Being Alive” – a The Most Human “THIS QUOTE FROM
others. Not listening is what Human by Brian Christian
great take on how AI (Penguin, £9.99) RUMI NEVER FAILS TO
INSPIRE ME”
leads to miscommunication” can help us see how
Catherine Turner, Wellbeing Editor robotic we’ve become, and what we Will Williams, Mind Editor
@Catherineyogi can do to rediscover our humanity.’ Will @willwilliamsmeditation

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 85
 gut
Nurture your gut health for
an overall feeling of wellbeing
”
This is one
THE FACTS ABOUT TURMERIC of the most
Each month, we raise a topic for the consideration effective
of medical doctor Hazel Wallace, who gives us her
balanced, research-backed and definitive explanation all-natural
allergy Quercetin and
‘It’s not as straightforward
as a sprinkle of turmeric in
studies of curcumin use
high-dose supplements
But certain foods, like black
pepper, boost absorption.
remedies Vitamin C Complex,
£33, theorganic
your curry because, despite to improve how easily it is My advice, therefore, is to out there! pharmacy.com

curcumin’s impressive
properties on paper, it has
one big drawback in that it
has poor bioavailability (the
amount we can absorb and
use). This means you have
to consume quite a bit for
a therapeutic dose. Most
THINK
absorbed, so the end result
is unlikely to be equivalent
to the turmeric we can buy.
A review of 28 turmeric
and curry powders found
tiny amounts of curcumin,
with a maximum of 3.14 per
cent in turmeric powder.
continue to add turmeric
to curry or a latte; It’s also
To build up your
good on roast cauliflower.’ body for next year’s
Hazel Wallace
@thefoodmedic high pollen counts,
‘The Food Medic For Life:
Easy Recipes To Help You
start taking natural
Live Well Every Day’ by Hazel
Wallace (Yellow Kite, £20)
remedies, aloe vera, “
bee pollen and raw
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86 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 the plan

#360me
CAULIFLOWER SOUP WITH
CURRY-FRIED APPLE
I don’t know whether you’re a genius or evil
when you ‘hide’ protein-rich butter beans
in soup, says Ylva Bergqvist in ‘30-Minute
Vegetarian’ (Hardie Grant, £16.99), but my
guess is the former! Nutritious and creamy.

SERVES 4
lO live oil, for frying and to serve

l1 onion, diced

l2 garlic cloves, crushed

l800g cauliflower

l200g cooked butter beans

l500ml cashew or almond milk,

unsweetened
l300ml water

l1 tbsp freshly squeezed

lemon juice
lSalt

FOR THE CURRY-FRIED APPLE

l1apple, peeled, cored and diced
lOlive oil, for frying

l2tsp curry powder

l100g pumpkin seeds

lSalt and freshly ground

black pepper

1 Fry the onion and garlic in the
olive oil in a large saucepan over
a medium-low heat for around
5 minutes, until soft.
2 Remove the green leaves from
the cauliflower, cut them into
smaller pieces and reserve them.
Cut the rest of the cauliflower
PHOTOGRAPHS: LENNART WEIBULL, FROM ‘30-MINUTE VEGETARIAN’ BY
powder and fry until soft.
Add the pumpkin seeds
and ensure everything is
warmed through. Season
with salt and pepper.
5 Drain a little of the
milk from the saucepan
into a bowl. Blend the

into small pieces. soup until it is smooth.

YLVA BERGQVIST; GETTY IMAGES; STOCKSY. *SCIENCEDAILY.COM

3 Place the cauliflower, beans Reintroduce the milk

and nut milk in the saucepan.
Add water to cover the contents,
put on the lid and cook for
around 15 minutes, until the
cauliflower is completely soft.
4 To cook the apple, put the
apple and reserved cauliflower
leaves in a frying pan with a little
olive oil, sprinkle over the curry
and/or water and dilute
to your preferred
consistency. Season
with the lemon juice
and salt.
6 Top the cauliflower
soup with the fried apple
and a drizzle of olive oil,
to serve.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 87
FIGHT
COLDS
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FLU
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HR Iher balmedic ine.co.u k

Eminé Rushton reflects
on life’s trade-offs and
demands, and remembers
to nourish herself with serenity and
acceptance in rare moments of quiet
Still of
the night
D
uring all my years of motherhood, I’ve been
juggling full-time work with wanting to be
as present a parent as possible. I’ve stretched
and split myself into pieces in a bid to be home for bed and
bath times, up before babies to meet deadlines and make calls,
and sobbed my heart out when inevitable train diversions
took me away from that promised bedtime story or
nuzzling feed. It has not been easy. There, underneath
so much of it, was that palpable knock of my heart, and
tension, worry and guilt, with their caterwauling catcall,
underlining the black-and-white fact that I have a family
to support, and that I have chosen to be the working parent.
Shifting boundaries
In the past year, however, so much has changed. I no longer
commute to work, which is undoubtedly the most enormous
blessing. Yet, working from home has also come with
emotional caveats. With just a single door separating my
work from my family, lines are continually blurred… the
PHOTOGRAPH: PAUL EDMONSON/STOCKSY
kids think nothing of hopping over the threshold and onto
my lap, as I type, edit or talk on the phone. During school
holidays, when I must still work, my husband is forever
shooting up the stairs with a wagging finger to usher them
away, containing them temporarily behind another closed
door. But, there I am… and there they are… still, somehow,
together in the same house but also, mostly, elsewhere. It’s
the oddest feeling and it has, in many ways, meant that life
the open mind
#360me
feels even more non-stop than it did before, when (that
old parental joke) one went to work for a rest.
At night, there’s that temptation, too, with my work right
there, to step back into that room and get a little bit more
done to lighten tomorrow’s load. My sacred evenings, which
are punctuated with rituals, breath, yoga and reading, have
become that bit shorter – as my girls grow older and their
bedtimes edge closer to my own, there’s a sense of coming to
the end of one’s day with just a handful of crumbs to peck at.
Because of this, I have learned that the most important
thing I can do at the end of each day is… absolutely nothing
at all. No phone to prompt me, no notepad to tempt me, no
book to excite me. I may have only an hour before I fall into
bed but using it for something slow, simple and restorative
is what redresses that balance. Being still. Lying down.
Breathing. Bathing. Meditating. Watching the moon. This is
when the dust settles. This is when the busyness shows itself
for what it really is – a symptom of wanting more: wanting to
do more; wanting to be more. To be still, then, is the opposite:
an act of complete acceptance. A radical act of saying to
myself, in whatever moment I choose to do so, that nothing
more is needed of me. I am enough.
Wellbeing Director-at-Large
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 89
 A Natural
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 1
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● willowbeautyproducts.co.uk

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“ At ‘Psychologies’, we believe that how we feel

“
is more important than how we look
FOLLOW US #360me @eminerushton @psychologiesmagazine lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 91
 Man,
oh man
Men should x… Women
should y… Ali Roff explores
the preconceived ideas we have
about men, ‘success anxiety’
and how empathy might help
us find equality for all

T here is an elderly man I’ll always remember

– he was eating an ice cream alone at the seaside.
I found it heartbreaking. My friend commented
that it was probably the last way he wanted to be perceived.
She was right: I knew nothing about the man, so why did I feel
health, the way they deal with and share their feelings, and
the pressures that they face. During a recent exchange with
a couple of male friends I see at the gym every morning, I was
almost jubilant to hear one of them raise the subject of the
pressure they feel to have their life ‘together’ – to have everything
sympathy for him? My reaction tells me something about how in place: the car, the house, the job, the relationship – the
we commonly view men, and what it means to be a man in our very thing I have been exploring and hoping to cultivate
society. Ultimately, feeling sorry for him was more about my awareness around in this column. My other friend sprang
own discomfort at a man appearing vulnerable. Men should to the edge of his seat: ‘Exactly! I beat myself up, striving
be strong, silent and indestructible, right? towards this idea of success, but nothing
Wrong – and I know this at my very core. I’m Disable ‘should I do is ever good enough!’
conscious about creating space for vulnerability in thinking’ A few days ago, I received an email
my relationship. I take care to allow my husband ● What ‘shoulds’ do you feel from a man who had discovered my
a safe place to share his emotions. I don’t expect about others? Men, women, website, saying that he wished there was
him to provide for me; we provide for each other children, family and friends? a similar one for men. He felt trapped by
as a team in every way possible. And yet, despite ● How can you be more the judgements around perceived success
this, societal conditioning obviously has a empathetic towards others, – the emphasis on the trappings of wealth
subconscious grip on the way I see men in and challenge your ‘should’ and having perfect families, perfectly
the world – like it does so many other things. preconceptions? provided for by the man of the house.
The ‘shoulds’ rear their ugly head again. ● If you free others from I had previously thought my male
the ‘shoulds’ you impose friends did not experience the same
‘The man-up trap’ on them, how can you free
level of ‘success anxiety’ as me; I look at
yourself from the ‘shoulds’
I’ve had many interesting conversations with many of my male pals and see them flying
you apply to your own life?
male friends while writing the masculinity financially. But, despite the injustice I feel
Dossier this month – around men’s emotional about the gender pay gap, it seems no

92 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 the journey

#360me
Tip
of the
month

“ Ifouwer stcanoryshare
STRESS ASSESSMENT
Start an activity diary to
with measure your stress levels.
someone who Keep a record of everything
responds with you do during the day, the time
empathy and the task took and your stress
understanding, “ levels surrounding it – one being
shame can’t low and 10 being high. After a
survive few days, examine your entries.
BRENÉ BROWN
What patterns can you see? This
is your chance to become more
aware of your experiences and
find creative ways to better
Don’t miss the opportunity to
Challenge
old ideas confront the stereotypes you manage your time, and stress.
may have about men on page 74

matter how much money we earn, many of us still feel the

pressures of success anxiety, and that is a lesson in itself. MINDFUL READING
Another enlightening remark was by a friend who
admitted he believed he couldn’t live up to his girlfriend. Solitude: In Pursuit
‘She’s got her life all sorted out; she’s so impressive! If we Of A Singular Life
broke up, she would continue to thrive, but I would sink. In A Crowded World
I self-destruct so I can prove to myself that I’m not good by Michael Harris
(Popular Philosophy, £9.99)
enough for her – it takes the pressure off having to match
her.’ His revelation struck me because it was so honest and I’m an extroverted
vulnerable. And, while men and women face many of the introvert so, while I’ve
same demands, his words highlighted the differences loved my busy summer,
between us in terms of success and our openness around it. I inevitably find myself
Research* shows men still feel the pressure to be the craving time alone after
MASCULINITY AUDIT, COMMISSIONED BY CALM

provider and, perhaps for some, the success of modern the glut of weddings, BBQs and group activities.
PHOTOGRAPH: LAURA RICHARDSON. *THE

women underlines their perceived shortcomings. One
thing is clear to me, my friend’s frankness enabled me to
feel empathy for him. I truly believe that by being open,
honest and by sharing our experiences, empathy works
both ways, which is essential if we want gender equality.
Follow Ali Roff @AliandConnieRoff and download her free five-day
‘Self-Love’ course at aliandconnieroff.com. Follow Ali’s journey for more
inspiration and ideas on Instagram @aliroff, and find out more about
her yoga and mindfulness retreats at aliroff.com
However, I often get it wrong – holing up for too
long creates an unhealthy dip in my wellbeing;
there’s a big difference between being alone and
loneliness. But, when done properly, solitude
can enrich our lives dramatically, Harris argues
beautifully. One for introverts and extroverts alike, as
we naturally begin to hibernate as winter creeps in.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 93
 balance plan
#360me

Water
of life
Paul Rushton considers the most
beneficial and mindful ways in which
to consume water – for optimal
health, balance and reflection

A
lmost all civilisations have bloomed by rivers, from
the Ganges to the cenotes of Yucatan; sacred, vital
water has been a font at which we have worshipped
long before we could import it in plastic from beautiful
Polynesian islands. Ayurveda would suggest that water
be stored in glass or copper. Like the moon to which it is
intimately linked, water brings calmness and coolness. In
stillness, it reflects the sattvic mind; a mirror to the universe.
As it is still or flowing, ice or vapour, ocean or droplet, water
is nuanced and so are the ways in which it is optimally used.
The Ayurvedic answer to how much water we should drink
is equally nuanced and the question, perhaps, better reframed
to how we should drink it. Unlike revenge, water is best served
warm. A glass first thing in the morning, with an optional
slice of fresh ginger or spritz of lemon, cleanses and prepares
the body to digest. Cold or ice water is taxing to our systems.
It reduces our bodily resistance, hampers digestion and leads
to excessive mucus production. Instead, we should sip when
we are thirsty and during mealtimes, where it combines with
the food to ease its path. As the Rig Veda tells us, water is ‘the
PHOTOGRAPH: GETTY IMAGES

very breath of people’ – true life force. By hydrating gently

and gratefully, we can find the river; brilliantly reflect and
gracefully flow. balanceplan.co.uk; @thebalanceplan

94 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
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Weybridge, Surrey KT13 8AL More information is available at www.eudeamon.com

How can I deal with polycystic
ovary syndrome naturally?
Each month, bestselling author and speaker, Henrietta Norton, answers
a health question and offers advice. In this issue, she takes a look at the minefield
that is PCOS, and gives holistic suggestions to a reader with the condition
T
he prevalence of PCOS is thought to be five to 10
per cent of women, and involves a constellation
of clinical and biochemical features. Women with
PCOS produce a higher amount of a group of hormones called
androgens, such as testosterone. It is thought that this excess
is made by the adrenal glands and ovaries and is both affected
by, and causes, imbalances in insulin, which is a pivotal
hormone for blood-sugar management. It’s also thought
that PCOS is genetic, so women with a family history of
diabetes may have a higher risk of developing the condition.
These imbalances in both androgens and insulin can
result in symptoms including an irregular menstrual cycle,
acne, excessive body hair, weight-management issues, mood
changes and reduced ovulation or anovulation (cessation of
periods). Some women who experience a number or a few
of these symptoms would be diagnosed with polycystic
ovary syndrome. However, some do not experience any
of the symptoms, but still present with polycystic ovaries.
The pivotal role of diet and exercise
PCOS is a complex condition involving multiple systems,
PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK
and therefore requires holistic support, with diet and
exercise playing a vital role in any treatment plan. It is
important to support healthy glucose regulation with a diet
low in grains and high glycaemic foods, refined sugars and
trans fats, and rich in fibre from a variety of vegetables
and pulses, as well as nourishing fats, such as seeds,
wholistic woman
#360me
nuts, olive oil and avocados. Reducing your exposure
to synthetic compounds that interact with hormone
receptors – whether environmental, dietary or in
cosmetics – can also be helpful. There is evidence
to suggest that the health of the digestive system,
detoxification efficiency and thyroid function can also
influence the development and progression of PCOS,
as well as our exposure to and management of tangible and
intangible ‘stressors’. Finding the right support to help you
achieve more ‘pause’ and balance in your daily life is crucial,
whether that’s through gentle massage, reading, music or
time spent in nature. Regular exercise outside improves
your body’s production of sex hormone binding globulin
(SHBG), which helps to regulate oestrogen and testosterone,
as well as support mood, stress and weight balance.
In nutritional medicine, we also use a combination of
nutrients and fatty acids, including chromium, alpha lipoic
acid, omega-3 fatty acids, B vitamins, magnesium, zinc
and vitamin D, as well as a number of helpful herbs. Work
with a naturopath or nutritional therapist to find the
most appropriate supplement plan that works for you.
Our expert, Henrietta Norton, is a registered
nutritional therapist, a women’s wellbeing
writer and expert, and co-founder of food-grown
supplements brand Wild Nutrition.
wildnutrition.com; @wildnutritionltd
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 97
 Iron contributes to the reduction
of tiredness and fatigue

• No preeservatives, colourings or flavourings

• Non co onstipating liquid formula
• Highlyy absorbable iron gluconate
• Vitamiin C to increase iron absorption
• Suitable for vegetarians
• Suitable during pregnancy and breastfeeding

Available from selected stores:

Tesco, pharmacies and health stores

Subject to availability www.floradix.co.uk
 real nutrition

#360me
A is for
apple
Forbidden fruit? Nutrition Editor
Eve Kalinik is very much tempted by
the benefits of the adaptable apple

A pples have been used in multiple idioms: ‘the apple

of my eye’, ‘the apple never falls far from the tree’ and,
probably most famously, when it comes to nutrition
anyway, ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’. Apples certainly
have anecdotal celebrity, and maybe this is due to their myriad
health benefits. Firstly, apples are one of the best sources of
pectin, a non-digestible fibre, which can have positive effects
on gut health, helping to keep things moving along. Pectin also
encourages the growth of beneficial gut bacteria; and supports
these microbes to produce butyrate, an important anti-
inflammatory substance that is necessary for the health of cells
in our colon, and has a protective role for our immune system.
Secondly, apples are a rich source of many different polyphenols,
types of antioxidant compounds, that can also have a ‘feeding’
effect for gut bacteria. One of these antioxidants is quercetin,
which may support the immune system and, since apples also
contain vitamin C, this can have a twofold impact on potentially
enhancing immunity. Both pectin and polyphenols found in
apples have been associated with improved lipid metabolism,
meaning healthier cholesterol levels and overall cardiovascular
functioning. There has also been a link between apples and better
blood sugar regulation that can help with weight management.
However, try to eat organically grown apples as they are one of the
fruits with the highest use of pesticides when farmed otherwise.
Although the proverb says an apple a day, technically, it is
thought to be closer to two to really tap into the benefits but,
if it is just one, it will add up. When apples are lightly stewed
(with skins) pectin is more easily accessible to our gut bacteria.
I suggest making a batch with a sprinkle of cinnamon and leaving
in the fridge to dollop on top of porridge or spread on sourdough
toast with almond nut butter. You could also add julienned to
homemade slaw for a fruity twist, or just crunch into one whole
as nature intended: sweet and simple. evekalinik.com; @evekalinik

Eat Visit Cook

Willy’s Apple Cider Buy local apples as air miles

Vinegar with the on this fruit really rack up
Mother, £5.95, is made for no good reason – we
PHOTOGRAPHS: STOCKSY

from fruit that’s been have delicious Brit varieties.

untouched for 300 Check out farmers’ markets
years. Unfiltered and or visit an orchard and pick Try the recipe for ‘Stewed cinnamon
unpasteurised, this your own. Have a look at apples and honey kefir cream’ in
is one special souse! pickyourownfarms.org.uk my book, Be Good To Your Gut
● coombefarmorganic.co.uk to find your garden of Eden! (Little, Brown, £20). ● amazon.co.uk

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 99
TRY 3 ISSUES FOR £3!
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 The Retreat
p102 The Words New season, new reads, new inspiration l p106 Well Travelled: Retreat Special Reconnect
with you on restorative getaways hand-picked by Caroline Sylger Jones l p114 48 Hours Miraculous Marrakech
l p116 Living Be brave and create a vibrant, colourful home l p122 Feasting ‘Brunch’ is the new buzzword!

“receiver
The thankful
bears
a plentiful
“
harvest
WILLIAM BLAKE
PHOTOGRAPH: CAMERON ZEGERS/STOCKSY

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 101
‘

Book
of the
month

Why I write… BRIDGE OF CLAY

By Markus Zusak
(Doubleday, £18.99)
Author and word fanatic, Russ Litten, is The bestselling author of The
writer-in-residence at education charity First
Book Thief returns with a lush,
Story. Here, he defines his love affair with his craft
lyrical and conflicted look at

W
hat does writing mean to me?
Everything, really. I can’t
remember a time when I didn’t love
reading and telling stories. From a very
young age, I was devouring comics about
spacemen and dinosaurs, and filling
exercise books with my own fantastic
felt-tipped worlds. Gradually, the speech
bubbles above my characters’ heads
became bigger, pushing the drawings
out of the frame. Fiction became my
favourite playground. I had a Christmas
story published in the local paper as part
of a primary school competition and,
ever since then, it’s always been there;
this unshakeable habit. I realised long
ago that my state of mind deteriorates
if I don’t write almost every day. Writing
is self-therapy. Capturing an emotion
a handy escape hatch from the appalling
horror show that is much of the modern
world. A blank sheet of paper is another
universe waiting to happen. It’s always
a relief to go there.
I write every day, so it makes sense to
try and earn a living out of it. Apart from
books and commercial writing, I’ve been
blessed to work with First Story, the
Writers in Prison Network and Arvon,
whose creative writing workshops
allow people to explore the redemptive
wonders of the written word.
Writing encourages empathy, which
I think we’ll need in abundance through
the coming decades. It has been my
function and duty to myself all my life.
I also think it’s a form of prayer; an
agnostic’s prayer – a way of talking to
masculinity, in all its strengths
and weaknesses. The five Dunbar
brothers are growing up without
grown-ups in a ramshackle house
where they make their own rules.
They are a jostling, rowdy, fighting
family, who are mourning their
dead mother and disgusted by
the father who abandoned them.
But then Clay, the fourth brother,
quiet and haunted, heads to his
father to help him build a bridge,
(both literal and metaphorical),
upending all the old certainties, and
opening the way for forgiveness
in their raging, ruptured lives.
WORD OF THE MONTH

in words makes it feel more real.
Of course, it’s not all heavy mind soup.
Writing, for me, is also pure evasion,
Curglaff (n)
the most hidden part of ourselves.
Russ Litten is author of ‘Scream If You Want To Go Faster’
(Cornerstone, £7.99), ‘Swear Down’ (Profile Books, £7.99)
and ‘Kingdom’ (Wrecking Ball Press , £10); russlitten.com

We are sure that you

First story The charity changes lives through writing, believing there is dignity experienced the surprise
in every young person’s tale. We bring professional writers into secondary schools in
low-income communities, to foster students’ creativity and communication skills. of curglaff at some point
We’ve helped many young people tell their stories, and the majority are now more over the summer – it’s the
confident, write and read more, and are more engaged with their school communities.
For information, and details of how to support us, go to firststory.org.uk or email us at info@firststory.org.uk  shock felt when plunging
into cold water.

102 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 the retreat

The
words
Summer might be over, but it makes
way for blankets, bedsocks and long
nights cuddled up with a good book.
Doesn’t sound so bad to us…

Paper
therapy EVENING MUSINGS
There’s no better time to
get into the habit of writing than
with an evening review. Think
about your day by writing in your
journal, using these prompts: what
was your greatest achievement
today? What emotions did you
Bloody Brilliant ignore or overlook? What learning Shark pencil cases
cases,
Women can you take into tomorrow? £1 each; Africa book,
£2, all uk.flyingtiger.com
By Cathy Newman Jackee Holder is an author, coach and facilitator. jackeeholder.com; @jackeeholder
(William Collins, £20)

“
In the roll call of history, it’s often
the men that get honorable Memories warm you up from the inside.
“
But they also tear you apart
mention – with the exception of
Elizabeth 1, Queen Victoria and
Florence Nightingale. Here, Cathy
HARUKI MURAKAMI, KAFKA ON THE SHORE
Newman redresses the balance
with a spirited look at the ‘pioneers,
revolutionaries and geniuses
The Bus On Thursday
EDITED BY ALI ROFF. MAIN REVIEWS: EITHNE FARRY.

history forgot to mention’,

PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK; GETTY IMAGES.

championing the complex, By Shirley Barrett (Fleet, £12.99)

independent-minded women who There’s a careening out-of-control pace to Shirley Barrett’s brilliant
changed all our lives for the better. second novel, as it rushes headlong into a darkly funny story in the
She concentrates on modern company of a riotous, jinxed heroine. Eleanor has survived breast
Britain, and celebrates biologist cancer, is single, and hasn’t much going on in her life, so she takes
Anne McLaren, whose work in a supposedly dream teaching job in out-of-the-way, eerie Talbingo.
genetics paved the way for IVF, And then the nightmare really begins, as revealed in her
as well as the suffragettes, hilarious blog, when she finds herself at the mercy of some
Barbara Castle and Anita Roddick. very strange locals, with some very worrying ways.

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 103
 the retreat

“
books

Get ready for Halloween. La Rochelle We were the

nautical globe lanterns in stainless
steel, from £69.95, cuckooland.com people who were
not in the papers.
We lived in the
blank white
spaces at the edges
of print. It gave us The Corset
more freedom. By Laura Purcell
(Raven Books, £12.99)
We lived in the “ In Laura Purcell’s second

gaps between thrilling, chilling Gothic tale,

teenage Ruth Butterham is
the stories a seamstress, who believes
she has an uncanny ability
MARGARET ATWOOD,
to cause harm with the
THE HANDMAID’S TALE
power of her stitches.
Imprisoned for murder, she’s
visited by young, well-to-do
LOST IN TRANSLATION and educated Dorothea, who
is convinced there’s a

Mamihlapinatapei rational explanation

for Ruth’s crime and her
murderous creations.

Language: Yagan But the more she hears

of Ruth’s story, with all
(Indigenous language of the Tierra del Fuego bitterness, betrayal and
region in South America) deadly dresses, the more
A meaningful look between two she wonders if science
can be a match for the
people – both wanting to initiate supernatural, in this
Unsheltered something, but reluctant to begin. deliciously dark mystery.
By Barbara Kingsolver
(Faber, £20)
In the present day, Willa Knox is
grappling with a falling-down home
and fraught family life. In the same
Discover
COOL CAT
house in 1871, teacher Thatcher Cat owners rejoice! Finally,
Greenwood is chaffing against the a book designed to help you
conventions of small-town life and not only create a happy home for your cat,
a new marriage – his closeness to but also understand the inner workings of
intellectually curious biologist Mary their mind, so that you can live together
Treat proving a far cry from the harmoniously. It’s a fascinating and funny
constraints of his own life. read, with great illustrations for anyone
PHOTOGRAPH: STOCKSY

In alternating chapters, both Willa who loves or lives with cats.

and Thatcher come to realise that, while ‘Total Cat Mojo: The Ultimate Guide To Life With
the future may be uncertain, shelter can Your Cat’ by Jackson Galaxy (Penguin, £12.99)

be found in the bonds of the kindred,

and the strength of the human spirit.

104 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
Next
month Reclaim your life
Take control of your situation, work and space

Plus…
l Worry not! l Life coach the world in freedom
Can you combat ‘I don’t want to go as a digital nomad
overwhelming anxiety home for Christmas’ l Money mindset
the natural way? l Living the dream How much is enough?
l Calm down, dear We explore if it’s truly Make the leap from
Stop feeling irritated feasible to travel scarcity to abundance
PHOTOGRAPH: TRINETTE REED/STOCKSY

Don’t miss the DECEMBER

issue – on sale 30 October
106 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 well travelled

Retreats to help
you live well
As our world ebbs and flows in highs and lows, retreating
helps us step back, reassess and rejuvenate, so we can re-enter
our lives and re-engage, infused with positive energy. Reignite
your creative self, work through strong emotions, use the
power of silence to heal, or refresh with yoga and holistic
treatments… These are Retreat Editor Caroline Sylger Jones’s
best retreats for 2019, tried and tested by writers who care >>>
 ABOVE FROM LEFT Atsitsa Bay, with its glistening blue waters and pebbled shores, is the ideal backdrop for creative
expression – whether you paint, draw or write your way to wellness on the Greek island of Skyros; quiet time on the beach
at dawn releases the artist; at Artful Retreats in Crete, art therapy provides a mindful space for recognition of your needs

>>>
Reconnect with your creative being
ATSITSA BAY, SKYROS, GREECE
SET IN A HILLSIDE park a stone’s throw from a number
of pebble beaches, Atsitsa Bay, one of Skyros Holidays’ two
locations on the island, is the perfect creative environment.
From July until September, sign up for two courses a day
from a choice of eight. Topics and teachers change weekly,
but yoga, singing and creative writing are staples. Other
activities include painting, drawing and making mosaics,
as well as mind, body and sport options. Everything is
optional, so you can create a bespoke one- or two-week stay.
Guests congregate for lovely Mediterranean buffet-style
meals, eaten on wooden tables under a pergola in the open
air. Accommodation is in rustic huts with communal showers
in the geranium-filled garden. The retreat is set up is as a
community, with participants pitching in with everyday
tasks. You’re encouraged to participate in 45-minute ‘oekos’
group meetings: small daily gatherings where people share
in turn whatever comes up without judgement, comment or
advice. Atsitsa Bay has a way of restoring self-belief. Bring
an open mind for an affordable adventure that leaves one
feeling that it’s never too late to start anything.
l More information: From £675 pp sharing, including accommodation, all meals
and course-based programme. 01983 865566; skyros.com
ARTFUL RETREATS, CRETE
ENLIGHTENING AND CLEVER, art therapy retreats
take place a few times a year on set dates at two tastefully
converted villas on a private olive grove estate, a short
walk from the heritage village of Gavalochori. Retreats
are led by Cretian art therapist Penelope Orfanoudaki
and mix art therapy principles with yoga, walks, tasty
Mediterranean meals and visits to local artists.
You don’t have to be ‘good at art’ to attend, and you
won’t learn how to paint or draw. Instead, expect an
exciting creative space to help you become mindful,
express yourself and rediscover your needs. Art therapy
retreats are especially useful for those with stressful
lives, who want to live more in the moment. There are
no rights or wrongs in the creative process, and there
is no need for an aesthetically pleasing result. The art
therapist does not interpret artwork, but will encourage
participants to reflect on what they have created, and how
it relates to themselves. Workshops take place in a lovely
studio, outside on terraces beside olive trees and fragrant
herbs, or by the pool. Book for 16-19 or 21-26 May 2019.
l More information: From £702 pp for three nights and four days, including
all meals, classes, activities and transfers. +30 698 587 5903; artfulretreats.com

108 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8

ABOVE FROM LEFT At the Talalla Retreat in Sri Lanka, yoga is taught twice daily by seasoned professionals in the beachside
shala. You can also ‘Fall in love with your yoga practice’ on a dedicated retreat; be inspired by the contrasting surroundings
of crashing ocean and whispering forest and, if surfing is your passion and water your natural habitat, Talalla is ideal for you
Relax and rejuvenate in paradise
TALALLA RETREAT, SRI LANKA
ARRIVING AT TALALLA is like stepping into a picture
postcard: hidden at the end of a mile-long stretch of golden
sand, fringed with palm trees; the sea scattered with fishing
boats. Set just east of Matara on Sri Lanka’s south coast, it’s
a laid back, boutique hotel with a wellness
offering that was founded 20 years ago and
has been drawing loyal fans ever since for
“Accommodation
yoga, Pilates, Ayurveda, surfing and rest. is in bamboo huts,
Set in lush gardens, the hotel is open all with outdoor
SARAH GARBETT; NIKI NATARAJAN; PAUL RUSHTON. PHOTOGRAPH:
year and has a 20-metre freshwater lap pool,
bathrooms (and
WORDS: JANE ALEXANDER; SASHA BATES; ELIZABETH BENNETT;
an Ayurvedic spa, yoga shala and fitness
area. Accommodation is in bamboo huts, sometimes
with outdoor bathrooms (and sometimes
cheeky monkeys)”
PREVIOUS PAGE, MICHAEL ABRIL/GALLERY STOCK
cheeky toque macaques monkeys) or
modern villas with sea or pool views. Rooms
are minimally decorated but all have rustic four-poster beds,
comfy seating areas and traditional wooden furniture.
Talalla is all about balance, and specialises in holidays with
a wellbeing twist, where guests choose how active and healthy
they want to be. There are no strict diets or meal plans – instead
there’s a mix of Sri Lankan and Western dishes, with an
abundance of tropical fruit, fresh fish and inventive veggie
well travelled
curries – but there’s also excellent coffee, cocktails and desserts.
Twice-daily drop-in yoga classes are held in the breezy
beachside shala with views of the ocean, taught by a rotating
roster of experienced teachers. In the morning, it’s an energising
practice, while the evening is a restorative
mix of yin and breathing, but both end in a
much-deserved shavasana to the hypnotic
sound of breaking waves. In between, swim
in the crystal-clear sea, tot up lengths in the
pool, surf or take it easy in shaded hammocks
or at the spa for Ayurvedic-inspired massages,
herbal body scrubs and tropical facials.
For a more immersive wellbeing holiday,
Talalla offers all-inclusive packages with
a focus on yoga, surfing or wellness. These
have a more regimented schedule and are a great option for
solo travellers. On the ‘Fall in love with your yoga practice’
retreat, there is twice-daily yoga as well as meditation,
including visualisations, walking and ecstatic dance, and
workshops covering alignment, philosophy and home practice.
l More information: From £45 pp per room per night B&B.
+94 41 225 9171; talallaretreat.com >>>
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 109
 ABOVE FROM LEFT The Bridge Retreat, in rural Somerset, is the brainchild of Donna Lancaster and
Gabi Krueger, where baring your soul to like-minded people in a protected space is a truly restorative
experience; sensitive care delivered with professionalism in a restored farmhouse in the English countryside

>>>
Detoxify emotionally and heal your heart
THE BRIDGE RETREAT, SOMERSET
‘TO WITNESS AND BE WITNESSED’ is a powerfully
intimate, necessary and yet rare event: simple in theory,
but difficult to find in practice. It is this bearing witness
that The Bridge aims to facilitate in its unique five-night
healing experience. In a gorgeously refurbished farmhouse
in rural Somerset, groups of eight to 14 people gather to
work through the painful losses, traumas and childhood
betrayals that may be influencing their decisions on an
unconscious level. The philosophy is that if loss is not
acknowledged overtly, it will seep out surreptitiously,
revealing itself in illness, depression, poor relationships or
plain unhappiness. The Bridge helps people recognise, feel
and share their grief with others who care, who will hold
that knowledge gently and without judgement. At the helm
are highly skilled therapeutic facilitators: co-founders of
The Bridge, Donna Lancaster and Gabi Krueger, who have
pooled their experience to devise a powerful healing
journey, delivered compassionately and professionally.
The Bridge venue, 42 Acres, plays a substantial part
in creating a safe, nurturing atmosphere: calm, enveloping
rooms; lush all-encompassing nature; and plenty of
delectable, healthy food, in which you can clearly taste
not just on-trend and powerfully nutritional ingredients
– turmeric, coconut oil, kefir, cinnamon and seeds – but
also the genuine love and creativity that has gone into
making the inventive and appetising combinations.
Specific details of the programme are kept secret (for
no off-putting reasons, but because the experts feel they
defy description when taken out of context). What can
be revealed is that The Bridge combines valuable psycho-
education – psychological theory is explained in clear,
concise and digestible form – with exercises that involve
using the body and voice, considered rituals, and pair and
group work, to explore the unconscious and embodied
‘wounds’ that have become so much part of us, that we
believe they are what ‘normal’ feels like. The aim, say
the founders, is to support people in achieving optimum
spiritual, emotional, physical and intellectual health, in
order to live life to its fullest potential, and to share their
gifts with the world: ‘Crossing The Bridge takes courage
of heart, wisdom of soul, and vulnerability of emotions,’
are their heartfelt words of encouragement.
l More information: From £2,650 pp in a shared room with full board, full retreat
programme and pre- and post-retreat support. 07510 325304; thebridgeretreat.com

110 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 well travelled

ABOVE FROM LEFT Path of Love UK headquarters is Buckland Hall, a stately property in scenic Wales, where
soul-searching participants seek release from their emotional shackles, using the mystical, non-religious
principles of the Rajneesh movement; by the end of the intense experience, strong connections are made

PATH OF LOVE, WALES AND WORLDWIDE

PATH OF LOVE AIMS to heal, end self-defeating patterns,
and open the heart to love, awareness and personal power
in brave groups of around 70 participants, with an almost
1:1 ratio of staff to guests. Retreats are
held around the world, from Australia
to the United States and Brazil. In the
“It might involve
UK, home base is Buckland Hall, venting suppressed
a large hotel deep in the Welsh
countryside, surrounded by grassed
rage via punching,
terraces and beautiful woodland. wrestling and
The retreat is physically challenging,
with mammoth dance meditations and
screaming, or
its trademark ‘burns’ – long, intense dancing wildly”
and cathartic sessions with music cleverly
selected by the resident DJ, to guide the large group to
deep release. This is where Path of Love staff come into
their own, intuiting exactly what each participant needs.
That might involve venting suppressed rage via – safely
contained – punching, wrestling and screaming, or
dancing wildly and passionately, or softly, cheek to cheek.
Alternatively, they may offer you the chance to be held,
with unconditional love, as you come to terms with past
betrayals and sorrow. Outside these therapeutic
processes, you spend time in small groups, each guided
by two facilitators and a team of support staff. It’s said
that, by the end of the week-long retreat,
your group will probably know you
better than your family and friends.
Expect to delve into the darkest depths
of your soul, sharing shame, guilt, anger
and heartbreak in a supportive and
non-judgemental space.
Path of Love is the ‘heartchild’ of
former Osho sannyasins, Rafia Morgan
and Turiya Hanover and, like the
mystical Rajneesh movement, it’s a bit
Marmite – you’ll either fall passionately in love with it
or shake your head in sceptical bemusement. It also has
a deeply spiritual edge, while remaining strictly non-
religious. Alongside the wild catharsis sit contemplative
processes, intended to open your connection to a wider
sense of consciousness. It’s heady stuff.
l More information: The next UK retreat is 8-15 November. From £1, 800 pp for
the programme plus £450 for accommodation. + 39 338 370 4893; pathretreats.com >>>

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 111
 ABOVE FROM LEFT At the bottom of Mount Batukaru, on an ancient site that has served as a sanctuary for centuries,
lies the Bali Silent Retreat; practise yoga and meditate peacefully under the guidance of Sang Tu and Patricia, who
provide a range of accommodation surrounded by lush rice fields, far from the madding crowd in the tourist hotspots

>>>
Declutter your life in a veil of silence
BALI SILENT RETREAT, BALI
NON-PROFIT AND OFF THE GRID, Bali Silent Retreat is
a consciously created, beautifully designed safe haven in the
Tabanan region of southern Bali. Situated on four hectares
of land at the base of Mount Batukaru on the site of an ashram
dating back to 1487, it offers the chance to blend into the
background and go about your day in total peace, practising
the art of doing nothing, or working out what you do need.  Patricia, are present much of the time, with Sang Tu
There are meditation and yoga classes in the mornings and
afternoons, led by English-speaking volunteer teachers from
around the world. And there’s plenty of wandering to do
– through the organic kitchen and medicinal gardens or the
small labyrinth. When you feel tired, you can relax on a huge
bean bag in the common space with a book from the library,
take in the serene, pastoral views, hang out in the shady
yoga ‘bale’ (think open-sided dome with wooden floor)
or meditate under the holy water spout.
Every day, there is a free ride to wonderful local hot springs
and, once a week, to a butterfly farm (the only place with an
internet connection for miles). There are also stargazing
beds on which to recline, a ‘crying bench’ where you can let
out suppressed emotion, and a jungle path, carved out to take
you down through the lush tropical vegetation and over a
bamboo bridge to the river. Apart from the teaching of yoga
and night talks, the silence is only broken three times a day
by the meal gong, informing you that the consistently tasty
spread is ready but, if you do need to chat or use your phone,
there is a designated area in which to do so. 
Founders, Balinese Sang Tu and Bali-based American
often guiding a walk through the rice fields, as well as the
UNESCO-protected surrounding area. She also delivers
talks in the evenings. Stay in one of three types of
accommodation, from dormitory to private bungalow, all
of which are simple but immaculate. In the bungalow, ginger
tea is left on your veranda at 5am. If silent meditation, such
as vipassana, appeals to you, this retreat is the perfect
introduction, and you can check in for as long as you like.
Otherwise, it can be the perfect antidote to the touristy side
of Bali, and somewhere you can interact with the Balinese
people without it feeling staged. Sunsets over the rice fields
and mountains ground and astound in equal measures.
A day pass is also available but, in all cases, book ahead. 
l More information: From £19 pp per night in a dorm to £70 pp per night in
a private bungalow, including all meals, classes, nightly talks and excursions.
+62 852 3734 7608; balisilentretreat.com

112 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8

ABOVE FROM LEFT A traditional machan hut is a place of solace and reflection on the coconut plantation that houses the
Shreyas retreat, not far from Bangalore in India; one of the poolside cottages for retreaters, who can embrace a time of
simple joy surrounded by nature; regular meditation brings deeper exploration of self, and the chance to properly relax
SILENT RETREAT, SHREYAS, INDIA
ON A 25-ACRE organic coconut plantation near Bangalore,
Shreyas embodies the rich Indian spiritual tradition that
recognises the essential divinity in everything. It is easy to
accept this among the coco palms and shocks of bamboo,
birdsong ringing through foliage, beaming
greetings from staff and tented garden
rooms, where sleep is infused with nature.
“With silence
As well as yoga, Ayurveda and comes permission
nutrition-led wellbeing programmes,
silent retreats are run all year, with the
to step back,
hush bringing a deeper exploration of observe and rest…
the gentle, customised schedules. (How
long you are silent and who you are silent
openness and
with can be customised.) Days flow mindfulness”
around hatha and ashtanga yoga, and
sound meditation with hand-picked teachers facilitating
deep rest, immersion in nature, restorative spa treatments
and revitalising practices such as yoga nidra (psychic
sleep) and trataka (candle meditation). With silence comes
permission to step back, observe and rest deeply. It allows
for openness and presence, mindfulness and mindlessness.
Mealtimes are a delightful meditation to savour slowly,
well travelled
when produce from the organic gardens and dairy from
home-raised cows contribute to tantalising, thali-style,
sattvic dishes, which vibrate with vitality and flavour;
the kind of nourishment and satisfaction only drawn from
care and variety. The gardens also provide
medicinal herbs used to prepare oils,
scrubs and masks for use in the spa,
where treatments and therapies range
from Ayurveda and naturopathy to mud
therapy and acupuncture, and authentic
massages include abhyanga, Balinese,
Thai and Swedish – every one graciously
and expertly rendered.
Options such as walking meditation,
cooking lessons, tending the organic
gardens or sharing a meal with the children at the Shreyas
orphanage invoke a simpler way of village and ashram
living. With bodily restoration, comes the higher prize
of a peaceful conversation with our deeper selves. With
silence comes surrender and a simpler, purer joy.
l More information: From £2,287 in a garden or poolside cottage, inclusive
of service charge and government tax, for a seven-night silent retreat.
+91 99 161 1 0434; shreyasretreat.com
N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 113
Magical
Marrakech
Leona Gerrard uncovers a world
of snake charmers, spice sellers
and souks in Morocco
48
the retreat

travel
M
HOURS
arrakech is a delightful shock to the
senses. I can’t believe that in just over
three hours, I’m in the midst of the
medina, being walked by my guide to the riad where
I’ll be staying, which contains exquisite green-tiled
floors, fountains, fez hats and birdsong. A refreshing
mint tea later, I receive directions to the market,
heading for the main square and souks. I’m dazzled
by treasures: silks, leather, silver, hand-carved trinket
boxes and baskets. I haggle for a small wooden box
with a toy snake inside for my son – 50 dirhams…
‘That’s a good deal,’ the riad manager tells me later.
The day ends with a traditional hammam scrub;
black soap with olive stones and eucalyptus is used
to exfoliate and cleanse the body – Moroccans go to
hammam baths weekly to partake in this ritual. I sleep
peacefully after this deep and spiritual relaxation.

Secret gardens and daydreams

Morning prayers wake me from my slumber, and I’m
ready to explore. This time a hair-raising taxi ride to
the Marjorelle Gardens, restored by Yves St Laurent
and Pierre Bergé, who first became enchanted with the
gardens when they visited in 1966. The surroundings
remind me of childhood African holidays mixed with
Asian adventures. Lotus flowers drift on peaceful
ponds, alongside the tallest palm trees imported from
the South Pacific, east Africa and India.
Dinner is in a hole in the wall… at least that’s the
restaurant’s name in French – Le Trou au Mur.
I float to the rooftop on the breeze, enticed by a chilli
passionfruit cocktail and some barbecued mixed lamb
meshoui. As I leave Marrakech, I feel I must somehow
have uncovered a magic lamp in the souk, because I’m
sure a genie has granted one of my wishes… this.

Romantic riad
Leona was hosted by Wix
Squared, a tailor-made tour
operator. Wix Squared
offers a two-night trip to
Marrakech staying at Riad
Farnatchi, from £400pp,
PHOTOGRAPH: 4CORNERS IMAGES

including accommodation,
transfers, a royal hammam
at Farnatchi Spa and
flights with British Airways.

wixsquared.com, 020 3808 6383; riadfarnatchi.com; trouaumur.com

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 115
 the retreat
living

An unapologetically
vibrant saturated
blue shade enlivens
this dining area. The
gleaming Tom Dixon
copper pendant and the
light, modern furniture
balance out the boldness
 This homeowner follows
no rules when it comes
to choosing colour,
so the grey-green walls,
the yellow Ligne Roset
armchair, the red
vintage rug and blue
paint were all part of a
layering process that
evolved over time

Bold and
beautiful
Expressing your true self in your home takes guts,
but it’s time to let go of the fear of being judged and
surround yourself with vibrant, energetic hues
PHOTOGRAPHS BY CATHERINE GRATWICKE
EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD

A U G U S T 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 117
 THIS PAGE This RIGHT In this living
eye-popping mural with room, the furniture is
electrifying papaya, hot upholstered in three
pink and busy patterns different velvets, with
brings the kitchen to personality introduced
life. The colour scheme via cushions, artworks
continues with apple and accessories. Green
green on the walls and velvet curtains throw yet
bright metal stools another shade in the mix

118 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 the retreat

living
A uthor of new book Be Bold, Emily
Henson, says: ‘Interiors, emotions and
lifestyle choices are all interconnected.
The way we decorate our homes directly correlates
with the way we feel.’ Henson admits that she was
inspired at a low point in her life to decorate with
‘joyful patterns, gutsy colours and exhilarating
paint treatments’, and how, even though she wasn’t
feeling bold, she was creating a home for the way
she wanted to feel. She says: ‘Allowing yourself to
be bold takes courage and you have to let go of the
fear of being judged, but sometimes it’s important
to fake bravery until you really feel it.’
There are lots of ideas on how to experiment
with paint, creating a riot of pattern, and
choosing furniture in unusual shades, such as
pale pink, sage green and aquamarine. Henson
also takes a peek behind the doors of some bold
homes full of character, to give you inspiration
for your own vibrant room schemes.
‘Be Bold: Interiors For The Brave Of Heart’ by Emily Henson
(Ryland Peters & Small, £19.99) is published on 9 October
Thanks to a tight colour
story of black, white, blue
and mustard, the large
kitchen/dining room
doesn’t feel overwhelming.
The Mosaic del Sur
encaustic tiles that line
the wall between the
pantry cupboards create
an interesting feature
 the retreat

living
Frida Kahlo
cushion
cover, £31, Coushto
iansnow.com armchair,
£262,
houzz.co.uk

Go for it!
Roberts Revival Uno radio
radio,
Bow floor If you’re unsure where to begin
lamp, £89, Dibrell bar
£149.99, johnlewis.com
made.com when adding bold touches to your stool, £74.99,
Orla Kiely plant pot, rooms, thinking about the colours wayfair.co.uk
£40, cuckooland.com you like and are drawn to is a great
starting point. As well as paint – test
the waters by painting something
small; paint part way up the walls of a Cactus
vase, £42,
room and leave the top white; or use abodeliving.
two different colours on a wall – you co.uk
can also add colour and pattern with
textiles, furniture and accessories.
Look out for items that catch your
eye to fill an empty corner or add a
sense of theatre to a room, creating a
work of art – how about an oversized
floor lamp or a rabbit pot hanger?
Definitely a talking point!

Cobalt vase, £13.95, Rabbit pot hanger, £7,

annabeljames.co.uk marquisanddawe.co.uk

Reader
Clockwise from
offer
back: glass and
vase, both £3.99 Harper velvet sofa,
each, tkmaxx.com; £1,500, sofa.com
tumbler, £3,
johnlewis.com
ITEMS. OFFER CLOSES ON 30 NOVEMBER 2018
POSTAGE AND PACKING IS £2.95 FOR THE
FIRST ITEM AND £1.95 FOR ADDITIONAL

Psychologies readers
can buy a copy of Be Bold
(RRP £19.99) for the special
price of £14, plus postage
and packing.* To order, go to
rylandpeters.com and quote
the code BOLDPSYCHOLOGY
Bamboo basket set, £95, at the checkout.*
outthereinteriors.com
*

N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E 121
 the retreat
feasting

Let’s do brunch!
Break out of the usual breakfast-on-the-run routine with these
mouthwatering ideas from Lantana Cafe Breakfast & Brunch
RECIPES SHELAGH RYAN PHOTOGRAPHS KATE WHITAKER AND
ADRIAN LAWRENCE EDITED BY DANIELLE WOODWARD

A ustralian Shelagh
Ryan, author of
Lantana Cafe Breakfast
& Brunch opened her first cafe
in 2008 to introduce to London
FRENCH TOAST WITH HONEY ROAST
FIGS, ORANGE MASCARPONE AND
TOASTED ALMONDS
Nothing says ‘Saturday morning’ better than French toast. The orange
everything she and her co-owners, mascarpone cuts perfectly through the thick, eggy brioche.
Michael Homan and Caitlin Ryan,
love about the thriving Aussie
SERVES 2 1 Preheat the oven to 180°C, gas mark 4. Mix the
cafe culture. They’ve since opened mascarpone with the cream, orange zest and juice
l 125ml mascarpone
another three branches and have in a small mixing bowl. Cover and set aside.
l 2 tbsp single cream
captured favourite recipes in l ½ tsp grated orange zest, 2 Place the figs, cut-side up, on a baking sheet. Drizzle
a new book, which celebrates the with honey and roast for 15-20 minutes until
plus extra to serve
most important meal of the day caramelised. Remove from the oven and set aside.
l 1 tbsp freshly squeezed
and shows how versatile it can be. Meanwhile, scatter the almonds on the other prepared
orange juice
Ryan says she is ‘one of those baking sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes until golden.
l 4 ripe figs, cut in half
annoying morning people that wake Remove from the oven, cool, then chop if desired.
lengthways
early and full of energy. I know many l Clear honey, to drizzle 3 To make the French toast, whisk together the
people find it hard to be adventurous eggs with the milk in a large mixing bowl. Add
l 100g whole almonds
with breakfast, especially if you need the vanilla and granulated sugar, and whisk again.
l 2 eggs
to be out the door in 10 minutes. But, Transfer to a shallow dish and set aside.
l 100ml milk
for those days when you have the l ¼ tsp pure vanilla extract 4 Melt a little butter in a large frying pan set over a
luxury of time, breakfast or brunch medium heat. Dip each slice of brioche in the egg
l 1 tsp granulated sugar
can be gloriously indulgent’. mixture one at a time. Let the slices soak up the mix
l 2-4 thick slices of brioche
There are creative takes on fruit for a few seconds, then turn over to coat the other side.
l Unsalted butter, for frying
and grains, inspiring ideas for eggs, l Icing sugar, for dusting 5 Place the egg-soaked brioche in the hot pan, one slice
baked savoury tarts, numerous at a time, and cook until golden. Turn over and cook for
l 2 baking sheets, greased
colourful salads and beautiful a few minutes more until both sides are golden.
and lined with baking
breads and bakes. Take a look at the Transfer to a clean baking sheet and put in the oven to
parchment
selection we’ve chosen here and get keep warm. Cook the remaining slices in the same way,
planning for a delicious weekend adding a little butter to the pan, if needed. To serve, cut
brunch – as Ryan says, ‘You might the brioche slices in half, overlap the slices on the plate
just find yourself becoming an
and top with the figs, mascarpone and almonds.
annoying morning person.’
Sprinkle with orange zest and icing sugar, and serve. >>>

122 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 the retreat
feasting

FISH FINGER BAPS

WITH PLUM
KETCHUP MAYO
We all feel nostalgic for this comfort
food classic. Our Asian twist on this
humble sandwich transforms it into
something quite sublime.

SERVES 2
l 2 x 280g firm white fish fillets, such as cod,
haddock, pollock or hake
l 3 tbsp plain flour
l ¼ tsp ground white pepper
l ½ tsp sea salt
l 1 egg, lightly beaten
l 40g panko breadcrumbs
l ½ tsp dried chilli flakes
l 1 tbsp freshly chopped flat-leaf parsley
l 1 tbsp finely grated Parmesan cheese
l Vegetable oil or sunflower oil, for frying
l 2 tbsp Plum Ketchup*
l 2 tbsp mayonnaise
l 2 brioche burger buns, halved and
lightly toasted
1 little gem lettuce, leaves separated
Reader
l

l 2 tbsp coriander leaves three shallow dishes. Mix the flour, white pepper offer
CUCUMBER AND RADISH PICKLE and salt in one, pour the beaten egg into another,
l 5 tbsp rice wine vinegar then combine the breadcrumbs, chilli flakes,
l 4 tsp sugar parsley and Parmesan in the third.
l ¾ tsp sea salt 3 Using one hand to do each step, coat the fish
l 1 cucumber, thinly sliced into discs using fingers, one by one, in the seasoned flour, then in the
a mandolin egg wash, shaking off any excess; then roll in
l 4 radishes, thinly sliced into discs on the breadcrumbs to coat. Transfer to a clean plate.
a mandolin 4 Pour 1cm of oil into a large frying pan and heat.
l ½ tsp black sesame seeds To check if the oil is hot enough, put a breadcrumb
into the pan and, if it sizzles, it is ready. Cook the
1 For the cucumber and radish pickle, mix fish fingers in the hot oil until lightly brown, then
the vinegar, sugar and salt with 2 tablespoons turn over and brown the other side. Transfer to
of water in a small saucepan and warm over a lined baking sheet and place in the preheated
FOR THE RECIPE FOR PLUM KETCHUP SEE THE

a gentle heat until the sugar and salt have oven for 3 minutes. Psychologies readers
FOOD CHANNEL AT PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK

can buy Lantana Cafe

dissolved. Remove from the heat and add the 5 In a small bowl, combine the Plum Ketchup* with Breakfast & Brunch for
cucumber, radishes and sesame seeds. Stir the mayonnaise and mix together. Set aside. To the special price of £6
and transfer to a sealable container. This assemble, put a generous spoonful of the plum (RRP £9.99). To order,
will keep in the fridge for up to one week. ketchup mayonnaise on the top and bottom of each go to rylandpeters.com
and use the code
2 Preheat the oven to 180°C, gas mark 4. Cut toasted brioche bun. Place two lettuce leaves on LANTANAPSYCHOLOGY
the fish fillets into fingers. Depending on the each bun, then the fish fingers, and top with some at checkout. Offer valid
size of the fillet, you should get about four per Cucumber and Radish Pickle, coriander leaves and until 31 December 2018.
fillet – approximately 3 x 8cm each. Line up the top of the bun. Serve.
*

124 P S YC H O L O G I E S M A G A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
SAUSAGE AND EGG MUFFINS WITH SMOKED CHEDDAR,
WILTED SPINACH AND SRIRACHA HOLLANDAISE
When I opened Lantana, I vowed I’d never put eggs Benedict on the menu, as I felt it was served in every cafe and I wanted
to be different. After a few years of gentle, but persistent pressure, I relented and this twist became one of our bestsellers.
SERVES 4 l 2 egg yolks
l 4 good-quality Lincolnshire or l ½ tsp apple cider vinegar
Cumberland sausages l 1 tsp freshly squeezed lemon juice
l 1 tbsp olive oil l 1 tbsp sriracha hot sauce
l 100g Applewood smoked Cheddar l A baking sheet, lined with
cheese, sliced baking parchment
l Knob of butter, plus extra for
buttering the muffins 1 For the hollandaise, melt the butter in
l 150g baby spinach a small pan over a low heat. Remove from
l 4 muffins the heat and skim the white solids off the
l 4 eggs, fried, over easy surface with a spoon and discard.
l  Sea salt and pepper 2 Put the egg yolks, vinegar and 2
SRIRACHA HOLLANDAISE teaspoons of cold water in a heatproof
l 150g unsalted butter bowl and sit the bowl on top of a saucepan
of barely simmering water. Make sure
the base of the bowl does not touch the
water. Using a metal whisk or hand-held
blender, beat the egg yolks until they
lighten in colour and double in volume.
3 Remove the saucepan from the heat,
but keep the bowl over the saucepan, and
add the melted butter in a steady trickle,
whisking or beating constantly. Once
all the butter has been added and it has
reached a mayonnaise-like consistency,
stop whisking and stir in the lemon juice,
sriracha sauce and salt to taste. Keep
the hollandaise somewhere warm with
a piece of clingfilm touching the surface
to stop a skin forming.
4 Preheat the oven to 160ºC, gas mark 3.
Remove the casing from the sausages
and shape the sausage meat filling into
four flat round patties.
5 In a frying pan, heat the olive oil over a
medium heat and fry the sausage patties
on both sides until browned. Put on the
prepared baking sheet, top each patty
with a slice of cheese and place in the
preheated oven for a few minutes until
the cheese has melted. Return the pan
to the heat. Melt a knob of butter in the
pan, then add the spinach and toss until
just wilted. Season and transfer to a bowl.
6 Slice the muffins in half horizontally
and lightly toast. Butter both insides. To
assemble, put the muffin bottoms on
four serving plates, sit a sausage patty
with the melted cheese on top, then some
spinach, then a fried egg, and spoon
some hollandaise on top. Put the other
halves of the muffins on top and serve.
 the retreat
feasting
Add character
to your kitchen.
Metal hanging
sign, £4.95,
rexlondon.com Enjoy quality
drinking chocolate
like no other. The
Velvetiser, £89.99,
hotelchocolat.com

A stylish toaster
with £20 donated
to charity. Dualit
toaster for Breast
Cancer Haven,
£195, dualit.com

Liven up the
morning. Orla
Kiely Bonnie
Bunny egg cups,
£19.95 for two,
hurnandhurn.com Serve breakfast

The brunch club

in bed. Tray, £9,
A delicious
Blogger
creative-tops.com
non-dairy
alternative. Start the day with spotlight
Almond a smile. Breakfast The origins of this culinary tradition are
mylk, £2.45, mould, £8.99,
farmdrop.com kitchencraft.co.uk hazy; some historians believe it comes
from the meals after hunting, which were
lavish affairs with a wide selection of sweet
and savoury dishes. Others refer to the
tradition growing in the US after the
Second World War, when Sunday became
the main day when the family ate together
and going out for brunch was a celebration.
Today, it’s an indulgence on a weekend
when you’re not pushed for time, so This beautiful blog,
why not get creative with a new take on elizabethskitchendiary.
traditional brunch options? How about co.uk, is the brainchild
corn fritters topped with smashed avocado
A touch of luxury. Cacao Breakfast Tea, £5, hotelchocolat.com; BOKA Choco of Canadian expat
and poached eggs? Or French toast with
Mallow Cereal Bars, £7.50, bokafood.co.uk; Pukka Organic Latte, £4.99, and mum of three
tesco.com; Pip & Nut Chocolate Orange Almond Butter, £3.95, ocado.com strawberries and a drizzle of nut butter?
Elizabeth, who now
lives on the Shetland
Islands in Scotland.
BEAUTIFUL BRUNCH Cookbooks for a marvellous mid-morning mouthful There’s a section
devoted entirely to
breakfast; find creative
ideas, such as ‘Coconut
PHOTOGRAPH: ALEKSANDRA JANKOVIC/STOCKSY

1 2 3 4 and mango breakfast

parfait’, ‘Apple and
cinnamon French toast
casserole’, and ‘Cottage
cheese crepes’. You’ll
1 The Little Book Of Brunch by Sophie Missing and Caroline Craig (Square Peg, £16.99) 2 CARAVAN: find everything you need
Dining All Day by Laura Harper-Hinton, Miles Kirby and Chris Ammermann (Square Peg, £25) 3 Brunch to prepare a brunch
Life: Comfort Classics And More For The Best Meal Of The Day by Matt Basile and Kyla Zanardi
(Prentice Hall Press, £19.99) 4 LEON: Breakfast & Brunch (Conran Octopus, £6.99) spread to impress!

126 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N OV E M B E R 2 0 1 8
 our P
t
GeEE A P
FR

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BECOME A RELAXATION TEACHER OR

looking for an
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HYPNOTHERAPY CAN HELP YOUR Low Self-Confidence holding you back?

MIND BOOSTYOUR HEALTH! Confidence and self-esteem
are the most influential
Hypnotherapy is often thought of as a method to only help
elements in finding success
smokers quit or for weight-loss. Many people don’t realise that it
in your life. Our expert
is also linked with bringing relief to a wide range of other health
Confidence Coaches can
problems too. Used for centuries, it often involves being guided
empower you to be more
into a deeply relaxed trance-like state, during which an
assertive and to find
experienced therapist encourages positive changes to help
success using your unique
tackle your problem. Here are five problems you might not have
skills and talents. Feel good
realised hypnotherapy can help with:
about yourself, change
1. Dealing with stress. career, find a partner, enjoy
2. Coping with IBS social situations, start your
own business, speak in
3. Pain management
public…Whatever your goal,
4. Healing trauma with confidence, you can
5. Overcoming phobias and bad habits achieve it!

As it grows in popularity, demand is growing for well-trained Book your sessions today and never allow low self-confidence to
therapists. LCCH International has training centres across the hold you back again! (Sessions in Lancashire or Skype sessions
UK offering a variety of courses. available)

To find out more contact h

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 Happiness
Book Club

You can fight your

fear of failure
Vanessa King of Action for Happiness, author of 10 Keys
To Happier Living, recommends Wire Your Brain For Confidence:
The Science Of Conquering Self-Doubt by Louisa Jewell

D
espite being competent in several areas of our
lives, many of us don’t feel good enough. Even
when we have success, we can question it or
attribute it to someone or something else. Why do we do that?
To some extent, self-doubt is normal, helpful even, if we are
struggling with a difficult challenge, and it can motivate us to
learn or seek help. But, if we are unsure of our abilities and the
daily outcomes that stem from those abilities, it can lead to
procrastination and hold us back from doing things that
help fulfil our dreams. We are also more likely to experience
anxiety and depression. Chronic self-doubters spend less
time positively focused on the task in hand and more energy Wire Your Brain For Confidence:
avoiding being seen to fail. This fear of failure can cause us to The Science Of Conquering
Self-Doubt by Louisa Jewell
consciously or subconsciously self-sabotage so that, when we (Famous Warrior Press, £11.95)
fail, we have a reason for it, rather than putting our self-worth
on the line. However, researchers have found that the actual Questions to discuss
experience of failure is rarely as bad as we anticipate. We also ● When has self-doubt
underestimate how much we’ll regret not doing something. held you back or led to
So, how do we overcome chronic self-doubt? This book procrastination?
includes many science-backed strategies to try. At its heart ● What is one area in your life
is understanding that self-doubt is our belief about our where you’d like to build your
abilities or lack thereof, rather than our abilities themselves. confidence and competence?
We need to find ways to challenge these beliefs. It’s the ● What is a small learning

act of trying which enables us to build a greater sense of opportunity; something

competence. Jewell suggests setting learning goals rather to try that would help you
ILLUSTRATION: LESLEY BUCKINGHAM

than performance ones, remembering that mastering build your skills in the area
something new takes small steps and several ‘failures’ along you identified above?
the way. This is one way to gradually build our confidence
and courage, and make achieving our big goals less scary.
Next month, we’re reading ‘The Psychobiotic Revolution: Mood, Food
And The New Science Of The Gut-Brain Connection’ by John Cryan,
Scott Anderson and Ted Dinan (National Geographic Society, £17.99)

130 P SYC H O LO G I E S M AG A Z I N E N O V E M B E R 2 0 1 8
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