Name: [Jordan Gomolin]

To: Dr. Timothy Oleksiak

Date: [7/26/19]
Subject: [Post High School Problems]

The purpose of this memo, and overall essay, is to reflect back on pivotal aspects of my life and

to understand how certain events have altered my current views of the world. In this memo, I will

address the details that my work contains, some of the problems I have faced and hope to

correct, as well as, the venues my work might be best suited for.

My essay is a reflection on key points in my life. These key points, are adversities that I have

had to fight through. Mainly, my struggles with depression and anxiety, as well as a certain

physical ailment I have had to endure. My work is centered around these very matters, which

relate to the idea of exigence. Exigence, in my eyes, is a problem that should be addressed. In

my story, I aim to eradicate the notion that life should have a specific course of action for each

person. In specific, the notion that there is only one type of path each person should follow in

there lifetime. Through the details I share in my essay, I hope people can realize that it’s ok to

deviate from your intended plan and still end up ok.

My essay is timely and relevant because mental health is a huge issue in our society. Especially

so in young people, and even in professional athletes. Furthermore, mental health issues affect

everybody, no matter what your status is in life, and I feel stories like mine are important to hear.

I feel my story can fit a wide variety of venues. I would say a venue like ESPN, or Bleacher

Report, would be a great host for my essay. Both of these websites are great for disseminating

info, like scores of games and highlights, but they also post articles about people's stories. Most

of these stories revolve around overcoming some sort of adversity. My story is centered around

sports and mental health, and for that reason alone, I feel my story would be a good fit.

Jordan Gomolin

ENG 306
Dr. O.

7/26/19
Post High School Problems

Growing up, I had it pretty easy. I was relatively happy. What was their not to be happy

about? I had two great parents, parents who were very successful in their own profession. This

made it easy for them to provide me with almost anything I desired. I felt a sense of protection

from them, the type of protection a young person should feel from their parents.

I have two siblings, but growing up, I felt like an only child. My brother is thirteen years

older than me. My sister is ten years older. By the time I was able to understand the world

around me, they were gone. I was left with my parents.

I am extremely close to my parents, especially my mom. My friends, as well as certain

family members, would always tell me that I needed to start distancing myself from her and

begin doing things on my own. I never listened to them. My father is a quiet man and always

told me to do what makes me happy, and to do it to the best of my abilities. For me, that was

soccer.

Soccer was my drug. It was a way for me to get out of my head. In high school, I lacked

confidence in many areas. Soccer is what kept me afloat. It gave me a sense of belonging and

purpose. Our varsity highschool soccer team was one of the best in New England, and probably

one of the best in the country, and I made the team as a freshman. I started on this powerhouse

prep school team as a freshman. Throughout my four years playing for Beaver Country Day, we

raised several championship banners onto our gym wall, and I was the recipient of many

individual accolades. I will never forget making the New England All Star team as a junior, or

being named to the All-League first team as an underclassman. My most notable

accomplishment, in my eyes, was being named captain of this team during my senior year.

What made me feel the best, however, was the interest I was getting from college

coaches. Through my high school team, and club team I also played for, my Gmail inbox was
flooded with college coaches fighting for my services. This started as early as freshman year

and continued well into my senior year. Coaches, from different parts of the country, would

come to watch me play at various tournaments. I remember looking into the stands at various

fields and seeing coaches chatting my mom up. They were easy to spot, usually wearing their

teams crest on their chest and sporting a clipboard. My mom loved the attention I got, as she

took pride in my athletic abilities. I used to tell people she was my agent. Handling the business

side of my recruitment, while I focused on my on field performance. This partnership worked

well.

I committed to Wheaton College in the fall of my senior year. They were the first college

to show real interest in me, and they kept on me during my four years of highschool. They were

a small New England college, with a powerhouse soccer team. A team that had produced many

professional players in the years past. I spent my senior year of highschool fantasizing.

Fantasizing about my future school, in specific. Besides my fantasizing, I worked. I finished

strong during my senior year in all senses. Besides producing quality school work, I worked my

ass off, in preparation for my collegiate soccer career. My senior year of high school was a year

I will never forget. I felt like I had the world in my hands. I felt indestructible.

Oh boy, I was so wrong.

A lot has changed since my senior year of highschool. My mom tells me that “life hit me

in the face,” and I would agree with that statement. I didn't make it at Wheaton. A bad foot injury

suffered in preseason was the start of my demise. Not being able to play killed any confidence I

had. I was stuck on the sidelines watching my teammates play. For any athlete, they know how

depressing that can be. On top of my injury, I became severely homesick. I was only a forty

minute drive from home, but for me, it felt like I was in another world. I was a mama's boy, and

yes, I missed my mom. I missed my friends from home. I missed my childhood room. All these

different emotions struck me at once, and I lost it. I was always an anxious kid growing up, but

during my short stint at Wheaton, it escalated to new levels. Panic attacks kept me up at night,
and for someone who had never experienced one before, I was scared shittless. Not sleeping

only intensified my anxiety, to the point of no return. Intrusive thoughts took over and that was

something completely new to me. I started to think negatively. Very negatively. I was always a

happy kid, and it frightened me how my mind could change on me so quickly.

I left Wheaton during the beginning of the school year. I begged my parents to get me

out of there, and they finally obliged. The dean of Wheaton was a big soccer fan, and he had

heard about me. He gave my parents all their money back for the school year, and told me he

hoped I would come back. I don’t think what he did was even allowed, but I am thankful he bent

the rules for a young kid going through something.

I thought coming home would eradicate my problems. I was painfully wrong. I wasn't

even home, actually. My house was getting renovated, so I was living with my mom and dad in

a two bedroom apartment in Chestnut Hill. Things only got worse for me, as I was left alone in

this apartment all day. I had an injured foot, as well as an injured mind. The foot limited my

mobility, but the mental pain is what crushed me. My dark thoughts only got worse, as I started

to feel ashamed of myself for leaving school so soon. I thought my friends would be the answer,

but I was too embarrassed to even see them. They were all in college locally, but unlike me,

they were IN COLLEGE. They were doing what they were supposed to do. I felt like a loser. The

scariest part, for me, was feeling completely hopeless. I knew I was struggling, but I did not feel

like I could change it. My mother, a well known psychologist in Boston, set me up with a shrink.

This shrink gave me pills, and these pills made me more sad. This state of sadness lasted for

several months.

I don’t know how it happened exactly, but I started to put my life back together. It was

very tough, and for the first time in my life, I realized that their were certain things that I could

only do for myself. I internalized the notion that people could support me, but that I was going to

have to be the one to make things better. So make things better is what I did. I started to play

soccer again, in hopes of regaining the form I once had before the injury. In addition, I got a job
working for Uniqlo, a retail clothing store near my house. It was my first real job, and not being

in school, I worked real hours. At least 30 hours a week, sometimes more. For a kid from an

upper class family in Chestnut Hill, this was a reality check. However, I loved it. I didn't

necessarily love the actual work I was doing, but I loved how I was growing as a person. I made

several friends at this job, as many of the workers were in the same age bracket as me. I even

met a few girls that I liked, and they happened to like me back. It took some time, but I started to

feel happy again.

I enrolled in a couple classes at UMass Boston in the spring, as my mom is also a part

time professor there. At this point, I was feeling close to my old self, but I was apprehensive

about taking classes at UMass. Although my mom had taught there most of my life, I had never

actually visited the campus. I did not know what I was walking into, but I had no choice in the

matter, truthfully speaking. Education is a must in my family, and as long as I was under my

parents roof, I would be pursuing that education somewhere. My life was shaping back together,

but the big elephant in the room, was what I was going to do for school. Wheaton wanted me

back for the next fall. The idea sounded nice, but as time went on during that spring semester at

UMass, my whole mindset changed. I fell in love with UMass Boston. My professors were great,

the students were great, and they even had a great soccer team I came to find out. I realized

that, much like at Uniqlo, I enjoyed being in an urban community, filled with hard working

students. Students who primarily were not handed money for an education, but rather, had to

work themselves to afford it. I came to the decision that this was going to be the best place for

me to continue my education, and I phoned everybody at Wheaton and told them that myself.

I have learned to stay level headed in life. I feel this is key for survival. By this I mean,

not ever getting to high, or to low. Life has a funny way of testing people when they least expect

it. I know this because I have gone through it. I have lived it. Better to be cautious, then not

prepared.
 My time at UMass has gone on, and is on the verge of completion. I have been a good

student and have definitely met some awesome people. However, last summer was not good

for me, as I fell into another battle with bad depression and anxiety. I didn’t really have a reason

for these symptoms to come back, but as I have learned, you don’t need to have a concrete

reason to be depressed or anxious. This negative cycle lasted all summer, and almost led me to

withdraw from school this year. I was able to pull it together, barely, and attend school at UMass

this year. The fall semester was not easy, but just like during the first time this happened, time

healed my mental wounds. It still frightens me to think about those dark times, times were I lost

the desire to do anything. I don’t know who I am when I get into these bad mental states. In

addition, I forget who I was before. It really is an emotional state I can't describe. I hope nobody

has to feel this type of pain.

I am a very shy and anxious person. People, especially girls, laugh in disbelief when I

tell them this. They think I am always joking. Girls think I am a ladies man, but I am really not. I

had dreams of going to a “traditional” college and actualizing these fantasies, but it didn't end up

happening. Instead, I lived at home for most of my time at UMass, with no great social life. It

was somewhat sad, and thinking about it now, it probably contributed to the depression I

encountered at times. However, things changed this past December.

I work at the gym Equinox, as a front desk associate. It’s a great job to have as a college

student, but that's not the point I am getting at. The point is that one of the other employees

there was gorgeous. She was a lifeguard, meaning we worked in different departments,

meaning we never really saw each other. She didn't know who I was, but I wanted her to. At our

holiday christmas party, I saw her, and subsequently, approached her. I had never approached

a girl in my life like this, but something told me I had to. I am glad I did, because she is now my

girlfriend. We hit it off that night: dancing, laughing, and maybe just a little kissing. We went on

an official date the following week, and man, I was hooked. Seven months later, and I am
hooked even more. I truly love her, and there is no better feeling than having that love

reciprocated.

Since I met her, life had been progressing well. She gave me a sense of confidence I

never had, and I loved it. She gave me such a sense of assurance in myself, that I even moved

out and got my own apartment! Things were moving in the right direction! I felt somewhat like I

did during my senior year of highschool, indestructible!

Nonetheless, life had to hit me in the damn face again, harder than it ever did before.

Since graduating high school, as mentioned previously, I had dealt with two bad

instances of depression and anxiety. However, the hardest thing I had to deal with actually

happened very recently. I started to experience numbness in my legs and arms on May 24, as I

was taking my last final. It all really didn't hit me until the late afternoon, when I arrived home. I

told my father, a know it all doctor, the symptoms I was feeling. After conducting some strength

tests on my lower body, he looked at me with a worried face, and asked me if this was really all

the strength I currently possessed in my legs, or If I was just joking with him. I told him I was

serious, and he rushed me to the emergency room at the Beth Israel. He got me in there fast,

and I am so thankful he did.

They first told me I had MS. I lost it. Tears ran down my eyes as the X Rays they took on

my body, as well as brain, were lighting up with anomalies. I told the doctors I wanted to go

home and they said no. I didn't leave the hospital for almost a week. More tests were run on me,

and steroids were being injected into me to fight the disease from spreading. The steroids were

also crucial in helping me regain the strength that I had lost in my body. It was not a fun time,

but my family was there every step of the way. That girl I mentioned earlier, the one I love, she

was there also.

I remember making a prayer that awful first night in the hospital. I am not big into

religion, or god, but I felt I needed to try and connect with some higher spirit. The wish I made

was simple. I wished the doctors would tell me that they made a mistake and that I don’t have
something as serious as MS. I knew something was wrong with me, but I wanted it to be less

serious.

I don’t know what kind of god I believe in, but I am starting to believe in something. My

exact wish, as of now, came true. It turns out the doctors did make a mistake, and instead of

MS, I have Neuro Lyme. Neuro Lyme is Lyme that spread into someones neurological system.

MS and Lyme are often misdiagnosed with each other, and the doctors told me that they are 95

percent certain that I just have this form of Lyme and not MS. I will have to wait until this

upcoming December for another MRI to confirm this. Of course, I still have a disease that is

potentially dangerous, but I have been treated for it. I had a port catheter put into my arm for a

month, where heavy doses of antibiotics were pumped into me everyday. My strength in my

body is almost fully back, and I am optimistic about the future.

It’s still crazy for me to think about my life over these past four years. It didn't really go as

planned, but I am ok with that. I used to be more upset about what happened at Wheaton, but I

learned to accept it. My sister told me after my second stint with depression and anxiety, that

everything happens for a reason. I am not one for cliches, but that sentiment stuck with me.

These battles with my health, both mentally and physically, have toughened me up a whole lot.

Currently, I feel stronger than I ever have. I have withstood very tough times, and I am proud of

myself for that. My path since high school has been different from most of my peers. Almost all

of them went far away to traditional four year colleges and are now graduated. I still have some

time left in college but that is fine. I have learned to accept that everyone's path is different. Life

is a marathon, and my course has been a bit rocky since high school, but I am one year away

from graduating college. The thought of that excites me, especially knowing the things I have

had to endure.

The biggest takeaway I hope anyone can grasp from my story, is that adversity is apart

of life. Furthermore, that things don't always go as planned for any individual. No matter who

you are. However, that doesn't mean that things are tarnished for you, or for anybody. Life is
precious, and as long as I am breathing, I am going to try and make the most of it. I encourage

everybody to do that, even if they think they greatly deviated from their desired pathway.

Annotated Bibliography

Love , Kevin. “Everyone Is Going Through Something: By Kevin Love.” The Players' Tribune,

2018,www.

theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kevin-love-everyone-is-going-through-something.

The Players’ Tribune is a forum that allows current professional athletes to write on various

topics. The article I chose to use is a piece written by Kevin Love, a star basketball player for

the Cleveland Cavaliers. The topic of his work centers around mental health issues, primarily his

own struggles with depression and anxiety. Love details his own first experience with panic

attacks, and it was almost identical to mine. I feel I related to this piece the most, and it is also

reassuring to see someone in Love’s position deal with the same things I have had to endure.

Obviously, I wish no one had to deal with issues like this at all, but Love’s truthfulness about his

struggles, could help the everyday person deal with their battles.
Lubarsky , Olivia. “The Invisible Competition: Mental Health Within Athletics.” Mental Health

America, 26 Feb. 2019, www.mentalhealthamerica.net/blog/invisible-competition-mental-health-

within-athletics. A

A story of a college athlete that mirrors mine in some way. This piece is in The Mental Health

America journal, and is written by Olivia Lubarsky, a student-athlete at Towson University. She

chronicles the struggles that modern day collegiate athletes face, in terms of athletic

expectations, versus the battles that many of them face internally. She then goes into her own

story of being a college athlete and dealing with an injury, much like I did. As mentioned, her

story is very similar to mine, and was good to read before starting my own essay.

Ali, Shainna. “The Invisible Competition: Athletes and Mental Health.” Psychology Today,

Sussex Publishers, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/modern-mentality/201805/the-invisible-

competition-athletes-and-mental-health.

An article written in Psychology Today, by Shainna Ali. The piece was different, in that it was

broken down into many different topics, with each section touching on something new. One

section was focused on talking about the stigma regarding mental health. One section talked

about the need to get help if you are struggling. These were two of several sections that

touched on all things mental health.

“Athletes Are Admired, Idolized, and Often Distressed.” Healthline, Healthline Media,

www.healthline.com/health/athletes-and-mental-health#6.
This story, published in healthline, is also about high level athletics, and how that can lead to

struggles with one's mental health. The piece talks about the hardships many professional

athletes have to endure before reaching the top level, and how many viewers might not realize

how that affected them mentally. I never really thought about this topic in this way, and it was a

very timely and fascinating read.

Flanagan, Linda. “Why Are So Many Teen Athletes Struggling With Depression?” The Atlantic,

Atlantic Media Company, 17 Apr. 2019, www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2019/04/teen-

athletes-mental-illness/586720/.

Another story about an athlete who was obsessed with their chosen sport and suffered a

grueling injury. Much like myself, this person did not know how to handle adversity, as they had

never really been injured before. Putting so much effort into the sport their whole life, this

woman was now faced with a hard time. It’s so interesting reading about other people's

hardships, as I am finding many of these stories are identical to mine. When I got injured, and

became very down, I thought I was the only person dealing with this issue. It can be a very

isolating feeling, but years later, I am realizing I was one of many.