Lack of Intimacy: Living in a

Sexless Marriage
www.marriage.com
3 mins read

I
ntimacy issues are not uncommon, and they can certainly be
difficult to handle or awkward to address. The reality of a
sexless marriage can be downright devastating for those living
in a marriage without intimacy.
Intimacy pertains to the close, connected feelings partners build with
one another over time; and the physical and emotional bond that is
achieved in healthy relationships.

Living in a sexless marriage: How it

affects partners
A lack of intimacy in marriage for men can be a major source of
anxiety and frustration. Sometimes a lack of sex will trigger a man’s
insecurities and in the long-run, can, can have damaging effects on
his self-confidence.

Related: How Important is Sex for A Man

On the other hand, a lack of intimacy in marriage for women can be

just as damaging– however, not always in the same way. Women
tend to connect on an emotional level, whereas men tend to connect
on a physical level. This is not to say that sex is not an emotional
experience for a man, or that women don’t receive physical pleasure.
It is about the different social programming in men and women.

Related: How Important is Sex for Women

Many men for example, subconsciously have set standards for

themselves that define their role in sexuality. His self-confidence and
ego are tied to his ability to deliver to his partner. Likewise, a
woman who has most likely been socialized to nurture, may feel a
lack of love and intimacy in marriage, during times when her partner
seems less affectionate or withdrawn. This is because women equate
affection with love, and a woman would only withdraw affection if
something went wrong. This is not the case for men at all. A
withdrawn husband may be deeply engrossed in a thought or project,
or he is stressed about a problem at work, for example. When he is
done mulling it over, he will come back and give his wife his attention
again.
Can a sexless marriage survive?
As for those marriages which are sexually inactive for a long period
of time, this is a very valid question.

Many marriages do survive without romance, emotion, passion, and

sex, but even in cultures where marriages are strictly utilitarian,
engaged in for the purpose of economy, religion, or duty, sex and
intimacy are often still integral in these situations as a duty of a wife
to her husband, and vice versa.

Though it may sound strange, it’s actually pretty smart and sensible
–the people of these cultures recognize the undeniable existence of
their basic primal urges, and whether for the purpose of procreation
or not – they support one another in this area as well.

How does one cope in a marriage without

sex?
This may be an unfair question; the question essentially asks how to
do more with less. Coping with a marriage lacking in intimacy looks
like a plant trying to cope without water.

A better question might be, is a marriage without physical intimacy

really a marriage?

We’re not talking about the normal ebb and flow of things; when
intimacy decreases and rises. We are talking about complete
stagnancy of sexual marital intimacy. A plant without water might
still have green leaves, might enjoy the rays of sunlight, and it might
even be alive, but the truth is, it is droopy and lethargic, it’s sad, and
it has lost its vibrancy. This metaphor resembles the state of a
marriage without intimacy.
Tips to fix a sexless marriage
Being in a sexless marriage is always awful. Most often, partners
realize that it happens slowly as the sex dwindles and happens just
once in a month or less frequently. It can get frustrating or partners
may become complacent (like roommates) or both. Either way, a
marriage like this has deep rooted problems that need to be dwelled
on and fixed.

Here are a few things you can do to:

1. Ask yourself and your partner how you both got here.
2. Discuss your needs openly with each other.
3. Don’t blame your spouse for the situation. Ask yourself what
was your role in this?
4. Use ‘I’ statements vs ‘You’ and refrain from becoming angry
or blaming your partner.
5. Tell each other that you both will make the commitment to
fix your intimacy issues.
6. Start by holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes,
initiating physical contact
7. During the day, when you are away at work, send each
other romantic texts, express how you miss them and how
you can’t wait to get back home.
8. Talk to each other, cuddle while watching movies at night,
enjoy a delicious meal together, have a bath together, or
massage each other.
9. Take care of your health and physical appearance. Keep
yourself fit and attractive.
10. Stop being clingy or complaining. No one is attracted to
someone like that. Instead, cultivate your own interests and
pursue your hobbies and passions.
11. Don’t be afraid to share your fantasies with your spouse.
12. Detox your relationship. This means leave the bitterness,
anger, resentment aside and start to treat each other with
love, kindness, and affection.
13. Practice forgiveness in your marriage.
14. Get out of your way to love and serve your partner.
15. Play sex games.
16. Celebrate little successes together.
17. Attend a marriage retreat.
18. Plan weekends and holidays. You don’t have to go to far
flung and expensive destinations – even small picnics
together work.
19. Look at the past and remember the time you were
passionate about each other. Bring those moments back
again in your present and in future.
20. Seek counseling. Professional experts can help you out in
understanding your issues and guide you to work it out
together.