Kerala Theological Seminary, Kottarakara

Sub: An Assignment on Marriage and Family Counselling

Topic: Pastoral Care and Counselling through Crisis and Change

1. Addictions problems
2. Sexual Problems in marriage
3. Parenting issues and childless family Submitted to: Rev. Shinoj John
4. Divorce and Single Parenting Submitted by: Prayojan Parichha
5. Patriarchy and intimate violence Submitted On:

Introduction:

1. Addiction Problems:

What is addiction: Addiction means losing control over the use of a substance or an activity. Addiction is a kind of
slavery; it’s a person becoming slave to one or more substances or behaviors. An addict is one whose drinking or drug
abuse pattern causes continuing problems in life because the person has developed physical and psychological
dependence on it.

Persons with addiction usually continue to live with their addictions even though it may ruin their health, destroy their
family relationships, damage their friendships, jeopardize their jobs, wipe out their family’s savings and cause several
other serious problems in life. Addiction refers to imbalanced and self-destructive behaviors, like dependency to
chemical substances, power, money, work, suffering, irresponsibility, parasite behavior, media, sex, codependence and
violence. Varghese pg 217.

1. 2. Kinds of addiction: There are two kinds of addictions: chemical addiction and behavioral addiction.

(1) Chemical addiction is strong dependency on chemical substances like alcohol, tobacco, cannabis (ganja), opium or
prescription drugs. characterized by strong physiological and psychological need and compulsive inability to resist using
the substance.

(2) Behavioral addiction is getting addicted to behavior: like gambling. eating, excessive spending, sex, mobile phones,
internet and pornography. When an individual is addicted to one or more substances or behaviors, that phenomenon is
called multiple addictions. Sometime person may be addicted to alcohol. tobacco and gambling at the same time. Pg
-218

1.2.1. Substance and Dependence: Substances Like alcohol and tobacco are used for medical and religious
purpose, then it is called substance abuse. Use of harmful substances without specific need or approval is called
substance abuse. When a substance is taken over and above the allowed quantity or frequency, then also it is called
substance abuse. When prescribed medicines are used after the prescription period or more than the prescribe quantity,
then it becomes substance abuse.

Substance dependence is a condition featured by a cluster of cognitive, behavioral and physiological symptoms
indicating that the individual continues the use of the substance despite significant substance related problems. There is
a pattern of repeated self-administration that usually results in tolerance, withdrawal and compulsive substance taking
behavior. This condition is generally called addiction. 219-220.

1.2.1.1. Criteria for Substance Dependence/ Addiction: According to Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental
Disorders, three or more of the following maladaptive patterns can be considered as criteria for substance dependence.
1.2.1.1.1. Tolerance: A need for increased amounts of the substance to achieve intoxication or desired effect or
diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of the substance. A person who used to drink 30 ml of alcohol
may need more alcohol after six months to get the same effect. Slowly more and more of the substance is needed to get
the required effect. The volume and frequency increases as days and years go on. This phenomenon is called tolerance.

1.2.1.1.2. Withdrawal symptoms (abstinence syndrome): If the same substance is not taken in due time or in due
quantity, several physical and psychological symptoms will develop. The person may experience restlessness, irritation
and anger, shivering, convulsions, hallucination and delirium tremens, when the supply is cut off. This phenomenon is
called withdrawal symptoms. The person will take the same substance again and again to relieve or avoid withdrawal
symptoms.

1.2.1.1.3. Excessive use: The substance is taken in larger amounts and over a longer period irrespective of associated
problems.

1.2.1.1.4. Helplessness: The person would like to stop or control use of the abused substance, but becomes helpless due
to tolerance and withdrawal symptoms.

1.2.1.1.5. Preoccupation: A great deal of time, energy, effort and money is spent to obtain the substance and to use the
substance. The person will be always preoccupied with thoughts and action plans of getting and using the substance.
Thus the person forgets or neglects other important things in life. Pg-220.

1.2.1.1.6. Occupational, recreational and social impairment: Important social, occupational or recreational activities
are given up or reduced because of the substance abuse. The person may be absent or late at the office, may forget to
pay the bills in time, may forget to collect the child from school and may ignore other important responsibilities.

1.2.1.1.7. Ignoring danger alerts: The abuse of the substance is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or
recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to worsen with continuous use. The person may ignore
doctor’s advice to stop drinking or stop using the substance.

1.2.1.1.8. Hazardous operations: Recurrent substance abuse in situations in which it is physically hazardous like
driving a vehicle under the influence of alcohol or drug or operating a machine while intoxicated.

1.2.1.1.9. Legal problems: Recurrent substance related legal problems such as arrests, suspensions, dismissal and
imprisonment.

1.2.1.1.10. Social and interpersonal problems: Continued substance abuse despite having persistent or recurrent social
or interpersonal problems like arguing or quarrelling with family members or at work place. This includes denial,
accusation, physical abuse, withdrawal from social life and suicidal attempts. Pg-221.

1.3. Disease aspects of alcoholism: Alcoholism is a disease and it steadily increases. There are three noticeable phases
in the development of Alcoholism: early phase, middle phase and chronic phase. Each phase has its own signs and
symptoms.

1.3.1. Early Phase

1.3.1.1. Increased tolerance:

1.3.1.2. Black out: During a black out: He walks, he talks, and he drives, but has no recollection of it afterwards.

1.3.1.3. Preoccupation with drinking:

1.3.1.4. Avoids discussion about ones drinking: When a person recognizes that something is going wrong with his
drinking pattern, he starts disliking any reference to his drinking. Pg 228-229.

1.3.2. Middle Phase

1.3.2.1. Loss of Control.

1.3.2.2. Justification. Everybody notices that he is drinking more than before and questions him about it. He states
numerous reasons for his drinking: tension at work, pressure from family and even the weather. He would tell his friends
that he is drinking because his wife nags him. He would tell his wife that he drinks because his friends are forcing him.
He has many reasons for his drinking but none is real.

1.3.2.3. Grandiose behavior. As drinking progresses, he realizes that he is losing respect and regard that others had for
him.

1.3.2.4. Aggression. Pg -229.

1.3.2.5. Abstention for a temporary period. By now he is forced to deal with many problems triggered of by his
drinking. He might develop health problems; his wife may threaten to leave him or he may have received a memo from
the work place. His friends and family members would advise him to stop drinking. In an effort to deal with these
problems or to convince others that he can abstain from drinking.

1.3.2.6. Changing the drinking pattern. In an effort to regain control over drinking he may change the alcoholic beverage
that he is drinking and even the place and people with whom he drinks.

1.3.3. Chronic Phase

1.3.3.1. Binge drinking. He starts drinking almost continuously on a 24-hour basis for a few days at a stretch. After a
few days he will not be able to continue and stops drinking. At the end of each binge, he is in a shaken, frightened guilt-
ridden condition and promises never to drink again. But after a few days he will start again.

1.3.3.2. Decreased tolerance. Heavy drinking affects his health especially his liver and he is unable to drink as much as
he used to. He gets intoxicated even with smaller quantities of alcohol. The family thinks that he has reduced the amount
of drinking. They do not realize that his health is in a dangerous condition. iii. Ethical breakdown. The alcoholic starts
telling lies. steals or borrows in order to maintain his supply of alcohol. P-230.

1.3.3.3. Paranoia and hallucination. Alcohol affects a person psychologically. He becomes suspicious of his wife,
family members and others and believes that others are plotting against him. Wife is the most affected person and may
try to run away, commit suicide or end the marital relationship.

1.3.3.4. Deterioration in functioning. The person becomes unable to function without alcohol. P-231.

1.4. Medical Complications of Alcoholism: Alcoholism is a disease and if not arrested, may lead to many medical and
psychiatric complications. Such as Alcoholic Liver Disease, Gastrointestinal Disease., Heart and Circulatory System,
The Nervous System, The Endocrinal System, Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms, Mental and Emotional Functions. Pgs.
231-234.

1.5. Alcoholics Anonymous: Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is one such group which was founded in USA in 1935 by
two recovering alcoholics called Bill and Bob. AA is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
strength and weakness, merits and demerits and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and
help others recover from alcoholism. The primary purpose of AA members is to stay sober and help other alcoholics
achieve sobriety. There are many other self-help groups like AI-anon (fellowship of spouses of alcoholics), Al-a teen
(fellowship of children of alcoholics) and ACOA (fellowship of adult children of alcoholics). Pg-240

1.6. Problem of Alcoholism in the family/society: Family is an abode of persons with trust, respect, love, kindness and
responsibility. Yet occasional tensions can appear now and then and healthy families are able to manage it and they find
joy and fulfillment. In the alcoholic families the opposite is the norm. As many as one in every four families suffers
emotional pain and suffers consequences. Alcoholism is an intergenerational disease. Scaria pg-32.

Alcoholism is a devastating phenomenon that wrecks the roots of our families. If we want to empower the cords of our
family, we have to make our families alcohol free. Pg-32 35.

As a result of alcoholism, there is a partial or complete lack of communication. It results poor or non-existent parenting
skills poorly run and managed homes with no set schedules, structure and discipline. In such families there are
ineffective role models for children who grow up to repeat family issues in their own families. There happens more
conflict in the family including arguing, fighting and physical abuses. Such families may be isolated from the
community. 33.

1.7. Co-dependency: Living in a problematic environment, family develops ‘co-dependency-behavior. If an individual

‘s (family ‘s) life has become unmanageable as a result of living in a relationship with an addicted person, it is called co-
dependency. Like the alcoholic, the family becomes organized around the denial of alcoholism and the maintenance of
the drinking behavior. Alcoholism disrupts the homeostasis (equilibrium) in the family and produces a reactive
pathological adjustment in all members of the family.

Co-dependence is an emotional, psychological and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s
prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules-rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as
well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems. Co-dependency is a maladaptive. compulsive
behavior pattern of family members characterized by preoccupation and emotional dependence on another person. It is a
response to emotional pain and stress with preoccupation and extreme emotional dependence on a person. It leads to a
condition wherein it affects other relationships. (Sharon Wegscheider). In relation to alcohol, co-dependence describes
the individual who has become submissive to or controlled by alcohol as the central organizing principle in the family
and or the dominance of the alcoholic. 235.

1.8 Drug addiction: When a person ‘s chemical use has reached the point where the body has adapted itself to the
continued presence of the drug in the body to the point when the drug is now necessary to carry out normal biological
activity, then it can be called drug addiction. DSM IV has categorized three stages of addiction: preoccupation/
anticipation, binge /intoxication, and withdrawal/negative affect. Pg 242.

These three stages are categorized: First, constant cravings and preoccupation with obtaining the substance; Second,
using more of the substance than necessary to experience the intoxicating effects; and experiencing tolerance; Third
withdrawal symptoms and decreased motivation for normal life activities.

There are four main categories of such drugs (1) Stimulants: amphetamine, methamphetamine, caffeine, cocaine and
nicotine. (2) Sedatives and hypnotics: alcohol, barbiturates, benzodiazepines (like valium). (3) Opiates and Opioid
analgesics: morphine (for relief of severe physical pain) and codeine (these two are naturally occurring opiate
analgesics), semi synthetic opiates such as heroin (brown sugar), oxycodone and hydrocodone and fully synthetic
opioids (meperidine, pethidine and methadone). (4) Hallucinogens: LSD and psilocybin.

Amphetamines (formerly allowed in inhalers and cold medications) are stimulants. Cannabis (ganja) is another
stimulant, it produces a sense of well-being (euphoria), a relaxed, calm, drowsy, dreamlike state with a feeling of
disconnection from the ordinary world. Opium is taken from a plant called poppy. Derivatives of Opium include smack,
junk and dope, which could be eaten, smoked or Snored. Intravenous administration of opium derivatives would
produce high sexual feelings. Pg- 243-244.

1.9. Tobacco (nicotine) addiction: Tobacco belongs to the Nicotiana family of plants. Dried and processed leaves of a
plant called Nicotiana Tabacum is referred to as Tobacco. During primitive periods, people used to burn tobacco leaves
for religious purposes. it was believed that the pleasurable effect caused by inhaling the smoke of tobacco created a kind
of affinity towards it and they also believed that by inhaling this gas, God would be pleased.

The name nicotine originated from Jean Nicott, the French ambassador to Portugal, who introduced tobacco to France.
It is believed that he helped the queen of France to be relieved of chronic migraine and stomach ailment by snuffing
tobacco. Tobacco is believed to be one of the major killers in the world. Tobacco related ailments include heart disease,
lung and mouth cancer, peptic ulcer, smoke cough, chronic bronchitis, pulmonary tuberculosis, etc. Pg -244.

1.10. Rehabilitation of alcoholics and drug addicts: For those who have been treated for the physical effects of
alcoholism or drug addiction, the next step may be a rehabilitation programme in a residential centre
(privately/publicly). Their aim is to enable people to learn to live without drinking or taking drugs, to find out why they
took the substance in the first place, and to understand what it has done to them. Most church-run rehab agencies work
on the basis of the rehabilitation of alcoholics and drug addicts. The idea of ‘God as you understand Him’ gives
spirituality an important place in the life of the recovering addict, and helps give a focus outside the self. Referrals are
usually made through medical or social services, but it is useful to know the system in your nearest ‘rehab’ unit, as they
may vary. 72.Marion

1.11. Some other behavioral addictions:

1.11.1. Selfishness and Adjustment Problems: All relationship problems start with selfishness. it focuses on self-
gratification. It focuses on pleasing oneself and on always being right, whatever be the cost. A good marriage, friendship
or relationship. cannot exist where selfishness exists. It destroys love and affection that two people may have for each
other. Pg-32.

1.11.2. Addiction to Serials: When men are addicted to alcohol, women are addicted to serials. It also has repercussion
in the family. A serial culture has far reaching impact on our value system. Pg-33.

1.12. Role of Parents: Most researchers find the age group 16-25 pro-dominant in their statistics, implying that the
youth at homes are more involved. One expert maintains. "The best prevention of drug abuse is good parenting and the
best place for preventive attitudes to develop is in the family. The child should experience unconditional love and
acceptance and be encouraged to develop his or her own personality."

The parents should value the child's participation in the family, recognize the child's strengths and encourage them,
spend sufficient time with their children, regard the child's friends and deal with them fairly, parents should be patient
enough to listen to the problems of their child. Parents should themselves do what they want their child to do.” They
should understand their problems but be firm (thus saying, 'As your parent I cannot allow you to engage in harmful
activities' etc.). Be supportive in helping out to find ways out from life's problems. 274. Zubeno

1.13. Pastoral Care and Counselling for the addictions: As we find in the New Testament, Jesus was compassionate
in His dealings with sick persons. We also need a compassionate approach to alcoholics and addicts. Care and
compassion are two essential elements of ministering to addicted persons. We are not supposed to condemn, label or
marginalize such persons. On the other side, dealing with alcoholics and addicts is extremely difficult that needs a lot of
divine grace, understanding attitude and a willingness to walk an extra mile with them.

Addicted persons are to be treated medically and psychologically. Addicts and their family members are to undergo
counselling. At the same time are to be treated with spiritual balms. Spirituality is the best medicine for any kind of
addiction. The church has a responsibility to provide medical care, psychological care and spiritual care to all persons
with chemical addiction and behavioral addiction. Clergy and all church workers need to be trained properly to deal
with persons of addiction. Addiction is one of the grave and growing issues in our society and the church has to address
it properly. 247.

2. Sexual problems in marriage:

2.1. Sexual Challenges

2.1.1. Unsatisfied Sexual life: To have a successful and satisfied family life, there should be a satisfied sexual life.
Sexual intimacy is essential for a long-lasting relationship. But in many relationships, the partners fail themselves to
satisfy the other.

2.1.2. Frigidity: It is a condition in which woman is unable to achieve or sustain sexual arousal. A woman is sexually
active only when she is assured that her husband loves and cares her more than anything else. Since such a loving
atmosphere is lacking many women are unable to enjoy their marital life.

2.1.3. Sexual Assault: Many relations suffer from sexual assault from the partners. It can also be called 'wife rape'
although it seems to be contradiction in terms. Because of wrong impressions about sex life, husbands use their wives
against their consent and it results in feelings of frustration and failure in marital relationship.

2.1.4. Infidelity: Few marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity. It undermines the
foundation of marriage itself. Instances of extra-marital relations are not seldom among our people. There may be many
reasons that lead to such a situation.

2.1.5. Sexual Disorders or Aberrations: Disorders such as masturbation, homosexuality and sadism affect many
marriage relations. There are modern trends to legalize and accept such deviations. Efforts are underway in India also to
legalize homosexuality. Many marriages fail due to undue demands of perverted sexual activity which is unacceptable
for the other partner. Pg-25-27. Scaria.

Some people exhibit paranoid tendencies. Such people have a pathological tendency of doubting their spouses and even
grown-up children. Many families face crisis because of problems created by in-laws. Fault finders who put the blame
for everything on others are a problem by themselves.

Comparing your spouse with another person evokes only a negative reaction and aggravates problems. Children who
behave irresponsibly, carelessly and are mischievous create a lot of problem in many families. Some people lack a sense
of responsibility and accountability and are sluggish, lazy and unwilling to take up responsibilities with initiative. For
some people money is everything. Giving undue importance to money, positions, comforts, luxuries and economic
status over and above other values of permanent importance can create serious problems in the family. T.J pg-39.

Most of the sex related problems in marriage have emotional reasons behind them. While 90° of men suffer from
emotional problems, only 70-80% of women have emotional problems affecting their sex-life. This is caused mainly by
excessive criticism, blame, judgment, fear, argument, hatred, sorrow etc. Misunderstanding generally generated by
anxiety, fear of inadequate performance, emotionally dominating partner etc. Guilt is a major factor in creating problems
in sex life. There can be sublimated guilt feeling about painful and damaging memories of past experiences (Pre-martial
or extra-marital sex, sexual violence including rape, alcoholic parents) related to sex in someone’s life which block a
healthy attitude to sex and sexuality.

Some people, resort to using alcohol and drugs to enhance sexual ability. They fail to understand that these things only
increase desire for sex but takes away the ability to perform. Lack of knowledge or misunderstanding or wrong
information regarding sex are spread by the media, movies, pornographic literature and some mediocre writings and
publications. Pg- 46-47.
3. Parenting Issues: Parenting is a way of living together in which children get enough ‘basic trust’ to have the courage
to become adults, enough insight to find their own way in society, enough ideals to make their own life-project and
enough faith and belief to enter upon an independent relation to God. Heije Faber, "Parenting", Dictionary of Pastoral
Care and Counseling, edited by Alastair V. Campbell (London:ISPCK,1987),182

3.1. Issues

3.1.1. Many parents recognize over the issues of limits control, discipline, and punishment. The search for appropriate
and effective parenting methods may lead to frustration and confusion: parents are often over whelmed with the issues
and are perplexed by the array of approaches offered by specialists. J. M. Hester, "parents/Parenthood", Dictionary of
Pastoral Care and Counseling, edited by Rodney J. Hunter (Bangalore: Theological Publications in India, 2007), 825.

3.1.2. Authority: It is the use of power and coercion. Many parents tend to become authoritarian and overuse their right
to dominion: they are rigid and controlling; they demand much and have very high expectations. Such parenting is
inadequate and non-biblical. follow above foot note

3.1.3. Parents may use their children in open or in subtle and hidden ways to serve their own egoistic ends. Ex: children
are expected to secure a sate living for their parents. They are not allowed to leave their parents alone-in this way they
do not get an opportunity to become adults. Heije , pg- 182.

3.1.4. Parents may see their children as a personal property therefore children do not get enough stimulus to try out the
adventurous and unsafe aspects of life not do; they get enough encouragement to enter into deeper relations with other
people. They may feel uncertain and guilty, when they grow up. 182.

3.1.5. Parents may be over anxious and may always what to be sure about what their children are doing or thinking. In
this way they do not get enough opportunity to develop basic trust. 182.

3.1.6. In consequence of these patterns of education and behavior the right balance between dependence and
independence, which in the process of growing up gradually must shift towards independence, is not found. Children
then become too rebellious or too submissive. 183.

3.1.7. Adopted children often have special Problems with their parenting. Parenting in this case must be aware that the
‘mystery’ around the real parent’s main haunt the child and that therefore the balance of nemeses and distance is often
fragile. 183.

3.2. Pastoral care for parenting: In pastoral care, problems of parenting are often put before the pastor. In order to be
able to help, some knowledge of family therapy is advisable this also helps to identify which problems must be referred-
the minister should always be aware of the temptation of taking sides. Some insights into the problems of modern
family-life and of modern youth culture help to gain more objectivity. Heijer –

Behind all this must stand a ‘theology of parenting’, a conviction concerning parenting in the light of God. Three things
seem essential: (1) Parents receive their children as a gift and as a responsibility, they may enjoy having children and
must see it as a task. (2) The thrust of parenting is towards the future. For which the children must be educated. (3) In
being a family in this way a community is build, in which the light of God’s parenting becomes visible. Hejer.

3.3. Effective Parenting: Parents definitely know more than what they think, but they are not yet sure or ready to
practice it with their children. Some of them don’t have the patience to deal with their children carefully and
responsibly. Having a partner (doctor or engineer) is not so difficult but being a right partner is very difficult. Children
are the gift of God and parenthood is a privilege given by God. Being effective parents to children is an important aspect
of parenthood.
Proper education should be given to the parents so that the next generation can grow and live more effectively and
meaningfully. Many of them even curse a child their own existence because of their ineffective way of dealing with
children. In most cases parents themselves are responsible for the children’s behavior. They make the children to do it.
The following is the response of a son to a continuously punishing (beating) father. “lf you beat me again. I will beat
you black and blue". Alter hearing this statement from the son the father did not beat him at all. He could have stopped it
even before. Parents role in the family and the way they deal with children should be well studied. Pg- 61-62 T.J.

3.4. There are some areas where parents should support and help their children.

3.4.1. Parents may have enough love towards the children, but let the children enjoy and experience that love. Parents
should communicate that love. Don’t be stingy in expressing that love.

3.4.2. Learn to appreciate the children when they do good things.

3.4.3. Never compare your child with another person even your own children. Comparison leads to conflicts, but help
them to develop a competitive spirit in their life.

3.4.4. Learn to be good friends to your children instead of being judges for them. Help them to have the freedom to
share everything with their parents. Don’t stop them when they share their views and feelings.

3.4.5. Be a good model to your children in your words, deeds and actions. Never give them a chance to see the
contradiction in our behavior and statements.

3.4.6. Never be fighting parents at home. Pg-62.

3.4.7. Let the children know their abilities, potentials and talents. At the same time let them know the limitations too. We
must help them to accept their limitation and live within the limitations.

3.4.8. It is better to discipline than to punish. It does not mean that you should not punish them at all, but punish them
only when it is inevitable. Children should learn to obey their parents out of love, not out of fear.

3.4.9. There is a possibility for children to commit mistake. In such situation’s parents should not blame each other. If
you do that children will take advantage of your fight.

3.4.10. Children should have the freedom to enjoy nature, freedom to play and freedom to relate to others. These are
part of their learning process. They must have the freedom to watch TV., but help them to use it responsibly.

3.4.11. Adolescents should have the freedom to know economic status of the family. That will help them to be more
responsible in dealing with the money, instead of being spend thrifts.

3.4.12. Some parents hate their children for their mischievous behavior. You can hate their behavior not the person.

3.4.13. Do not use the children as a channel to fulfill your unfulfilled expectations of the past. Let the children exercise
freedom and let them live a responsible life of their own. You should definitely consider the needs, expectations, talents
and tastes of your children.

3.4.14. Lack of communication in the family will create lot of problems in the lives of children. They grow as separate
islands and keep a separation in everything. Some of them become selfish and others lose their intimacy in the family.
pg-63.

3.4.15. Parents should learn to discuss family matters with their grown-up children as that will make them more
responsible in the family and in personal life.
3.4.16. You stop teaching the children i.e. teaching the morals and ethics of life. Let them learn it from your life.

3.4.17. Do not hurry up to correct your children, instead you wait for some time and let them correct by themselves.

3.4.18. Parents availability at home is very important. Giving company and fellowship to your children is as important
as your profession or may be more important than your profession.

3.4.19. Keep yourself away from all vices like (alcohol, smoking, chewing tobacco etc.)

3.4.20. Parents (husband & wife) should respect each other, so that the children can respect you.

3.4. 21. Learn to keep your promises, if not, you discuss the matter with them seriously and explain why you could not.

3.4.22. You should learn to give God to your children as you struggle to give education to your children. In short parents
have a responsible role in making their children into responsible citizens. Parents attitude will help the children to
develop good personality in their life. 64.

4. Childless Family: Childlessness is also known as infertility in the pastoral care and counseling. Infertility is defined
as the inability to conceive a pregnancy after a year of trying, or repeated failure to carry it to term. Secondary infertility
subsequent to a successful pregnancy-is a more stubble form, but one which affects perhaps half of all infertile couples.
R.O. Evans, "Infertility", Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling, edited by Rodney J. Hunter (Bangalore:
Theological Publications in India, 2007), 579 .The incidence infertility has already has nearly tripled in the last twenty
years, owing to a variety of environmental, medical, and sociological factors.

4.1. Problems of childless family: A family exploring their infertility will experience physical, emotional, spiritual,
social and perhaps, financial stress. Anger, fear, sadness, failure, helplessness guilt, embarrassment, loneliness and envy
form a constellation of intense feeling. R.O. Evans, "Infertility", Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling...

So, taken for granted by most, conception may become a profoundly traumatic matter for infertile couples. They are
subject to remarks which are insensitive and often wrong. “Don’t you want kids? “Don’t you want another child?” “At
least you have one child, be glad for that”. Just relax or adopt, then you will get pregnant”. In addition to stress on the
individuals, infertility creates great stress on a couple’s marriage. Regulated sex, blame, resentment and fears about the
spouses leaving contribute to the stress. In many ways the process of coming to terms with infertility is one of mourning
and the dynamics are similar. The situation is complicated however, the grief is real: the loss of an image, of a dream, of
a family, the joys and trials of parenthood and of genetic continually a link with the past and future. R.O. Evans,
"Infertility", Dictionary of Pastoral Care and Counseling...

4.2. Pastoral counseling for childless family: The pastor can contribute to the helping and healing the couple talk
together about the feelings attributions and meaning which are a part of their infertility experience. The couple may not
be informed about medical factor of where to find competent medical help. The pastor may help them explore
possibilities they might not have considered or have been reluctant to consider. The couple may need encouragement to
enjoy and expand other aspects of their lives. The church may be a community of faith where the vulnerable suffering of
such couples can be shared in a context of God’s incarnate love. The pastor may connect them with people in the
community of faith who have experienced their struggle as well as refer them to resources such as RESOLVE. It is
important to recognize that the pastor may have to take the initiative in talking with these couples, since many will keep
the problem hidden, and may even drop out of the church. Thus, they may emerge with stronger new ways to express
their generality as a part of the larger family of God. R.O. Evans, "Infertility", Dictionary of Pastoral Care and
Counseling.

5. What is divorce: We have seen that marriage is a Covenant of Companionship. A divorce, then, is the repudiation
and breaking of that covenant (or agreement) in which both parties promised to provide companionship (in all its
ramifications) for one another. A divorce is, in effect, a declaration that these promises are no longer expected, required
or permitted.

The OT concept of Divorce: The word for divorce in the OT that occurs in the phrase “bill of divorce"("Shepher
Kerithuth" (bill or certificate of cutting off)- mention it in foot note (Deut. 24; Isa. 50:1. Jer. 3:8) means “to cutoff."

The NT concept of Divorce: The most prominent NT word means “to lose from, to put from, put away, send, release or
dismiss. All these ideas are inherent in the word. For instance, apoluo (apoluo=divorce by putting away. The NT also
uses the phrase "a bill of divorce" (from LXX, biblion apostasiou) A very important term is Cherizho=to separate by
divorce and the last word of importance-aphiemi, "leave, send away, divorce"= to leave by divorce. is used of someone
who is relieved of his present occupation. Here, the idea is that the association has been broken. In another source,
apoluo is used to express the idea of permission to leave a country. Pg-32. Jay. E.

5.1. Some of the legal aspects of the dissolving of marriage we can state.

5.1.1. Annulment (cancellation) is the legal process of declaring that a marriage has not been properly constituted when
force or duress has been used in establishing the marriage or when one or both members are below legal age. The
marriage can be dissolved in this way. Intoxication, consanguinity. feeblemindedness or insanity, prior marriage, and in
some states interracial marriage are also grounds for annulment.

5.1.2. Desertion, often called “the poor man ‘s divorce," exists when one member of the marriage leaves the other with
or without his knowledge. The courts can be resorted to in order to bring the deserting member back or to force him to
support the wife or child. However, for many of the poor legal aid is too expensive and welfare help is the only recourse.

5.1.3. Separation is the state where the couple no longer lives together. but neither is allowed to remarry, and the
husband is responsible for the maintenance and support of the wife and children. This may be a preliminary step in
interlocutory divorce decrees, or it may be a relatively permanent situation as in the case of Roman Catholics.

5.1.4. Divorce action is the legal process in which the couple engages actually to dissolve the marriage. The action may
be either criminal action or civil action. The former applies to charges of assault and battery, neglect, desertion, or
contributing to the delinquency of a minor. The latter applies to petitions to dissolve the marriage. actions for support
and harmony, and for custody and right of visitation and companionship with the children. Charles William pg-

5.2. Divorce Counselling: As a part of this the counselor needs to point out the emotional cost of divorce, particularly
as the husband or wife verbalize these feelings.

Self-Esteem: There is a considerable loss of self-esteem. The man has invested considerable time, money, and effort in
building a home and in getting his wife and children financially established. To lose this is to lose a considerable part of
himself. The wife, perhaps more than her husband, as her feelings of success as a person bound up in whether she
succeeds as a wife and a mother. When divorce is imminent, she suffers considerable loss of self-esteem in her own
eyes. Along with this is the loss of status in the eyes of friends. above foot note.

Involvement of Children: There will be difficulties with relatives on both sides. particularly if custody of children is
involved. The grandparents have not had a falling out, and may not understand the inability to see the children as
frequently. If the divorce action is contested, brothers and sisters may line up behind the partner in what looks like a clan
tight. Misunderstandings of the family are multiplied as the separation actually takes place.

Drastic Change: The couple will undergo a drastic change in personal habits. :in plans, and in their whole style of life.
Quite obviously there will be a change in their sexual and affectional expressions, though in leading up to divorce they
have probably accommodated themselves to this. But the habits of work and play, of vocation and evocation change as
the two now become single again. The husband, if in a public profession, may have to secure another job; the wife may
have to start work again. The plans for retirement are quashed: the children’s education may now take a different turn.

Pain of Loneliness and Separation: The Most important to face is the pain of loneliness and separation, if the husband
takes a room apart before the divorce, or if the wife goes to live with relatives, these feelings are experienced and
expressed in the counseling at this point. The counselor helps the person to verbalize them and to experience them fully
rather than to deny them by projection or frenzied activity.

After the divorce: the pastor owes it to the couple or to one party at least to continue the counseling process. The person
may have serious religious qualms regarding the divorce and he comes to see the pastor to talk these over. He married
with the full intent of staying with his spouse “till death do us part," and now feels guilty in breaking this vow before
God. The pastoral counselor does not reassure at this point, but accepts these feelings and helps him to verbalize
additional feelings.

The primary feelings center in the loss the person has suffered in the departure of his mate. Counseling after divorce is
very similar to grief work which the pastor does after the death of a loved one. A marriage has died, and both parties
react to this loss as though they were bereaved.

Religious qualms: Religious qualms are not genuinely faced until this period though they may be raised earlier. Prayer,
either silent or verbalized, is appreciated at this point. The pastor may move into the church sanctuary at the end of a
session in his choice. The person can sit in the pew or kneel at the altar with the pastor as the forgiveness of God is
acknowledged in his life. The author favours the Protestant pastor’s standing, kneeling, or sitting beside the parishioner
in this process. He is not a mediator type of priest, but one who has experienced God’s forgiveness and continually
stands in need of its renewal just as the parishioner does. His counseling role has underlined this through the weeks in
the face to face relationship. It is not contradicted in this symbolic act of prayer. same foot note.

5.3. Pastoral Care of the Divorced Who are not Remarried

Unfortunately, many people think that if one is civilly divorced, but not re-married outside of the Church, is
excommunicated and thus excluded from the reception of Holy Communion and the Sacrament of Penance. However,
everyone is to keep in mind the fact that the civilly divorced couples remain married to each other in the Church, though
they are obviously living apart after obtaining the decree of civil divorce. It is unfortunate that even some parish priests
take such harsh steps and exclude them from the reception of sacraments which is not correct. CCEO can. 24 says, “The
Christian faithful have the right not to be punished with canonical penalties except in accord with the norm of law”.

If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection
of inheritance, item be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense. Catholics who are separated or divorced but not
remarried are members in good standing of the Catholic Church. They are free to participate fully in the life of the
Catholic faith community. For example, if one is divorced but not remarried, one may-

-Attend Holy Mass and receive Holy Communion unless otherwise impaired by mortal sin. Pg-223.

-Celebrate the other sacraments (except Marriage or Holy Orders).

-Have a Catholic funeral and be buried in a Catholic cemetery.

-Serve as a baptism sponsor (Godparent), Confirmation sponsor or as an official witness to Christian marriage.

-Serve as a liturgical minister, such as lector, extraordinary communion minister, hospitality minister, musician or
cantor.

-Hold leadership positions in the pastoral council or parish committees and boards.
-Have the children baptized.

-Serve as a catechist and so on.

5.4. Pastoral Care of Couples Who Cohabit, Who Are in Mere Civil Union and Who Are Divorced and Remarried

All these people are objectively living in a state of mortal sin and may not receive Holy Communion. They are in great
spiritual danger. Of these three groups, the first two have no real excuse. They should marry in the Church or separate.
Often their plea is that they cannot afford a church wedding which is very expensive. Pastors should take special care to
teach our people these matters. pg-220.

Pastors must be aware that many of these sins are committed out of ignorance. Hence, they are to regularly preach and
teach on the gravity of sin and its evil consequences, the 6th and 9th Commandments of God, and the sacramental
nature and meaning of Christian marriage. The catechetical programs for the children, youth, and the adults must clearly
and repeatedly teach these truths.

Pastors and the whole community of the faithful should help the divorced so that they do not consider themselves as
separated from the Church. Let us not forget that the divorced and remarried are and remain members of the Church'
because they have received Baptism and retain their Christian faith. The Church loves them and suffers because of their
situation. The aim of pastoral action should be to make people who are entangled in civil marriage understand the need
for consistency between their choice of lifestyle and the faith that they profess. Pg-221.

Pastors should try to do everything possible to induce them to regularize their situation in the light of Christian
principles. They should be encouraged to listen to the word of God, attend the sacrifice of the Mass, persevere in prayer,
contributing works of charity and the community effort for justice, bring up their children in the Christian faith, and
cultivate the spirit and practice of penance and thus implore, day by day, God’s grace.

The Church forbids any pastor to perform ceremonies of any kind for divorced people who remarry. The Church,
naturally, distinguishes carefully the case of those who have not caused this kind of situation but are rather its victims,
while remaining faithful to their marriage vows. They should be praised for their example of fidelity and Christian
consistency, which takes on particular values a witness before the world and the Church

In the context when there is so much of pressure inside and outside the Church, to permit reception of sacraments to
those in irregular marriage situations, let us also remember that the actual reception of the sacraments alone is not the
only means of grace. If the spouses voluntarily accept their exclusion from the sacraments in the spirit of true
repentance, this also can be a powerful source of grace for them.pg 222.

6. Single Parenting: Although, the term ‘single parent’ is used synonymous with single mothers in many contexts, a
single parent may be a man or a women, who embarked on that role by experiences that generates great sorrow (e.g.,
constant thoughtlessness and irresponsibility on the part of the spouse causing the divorce, or the anticipated long-term
departure of the spouse for job) or great revenge (e.g., spouse desertion to engage in an illicit relation) demise of a
parent, medical conditions may result in single parenting, unmarried mothers and women’s employment and social
involvement. etc. Jessy Jaison. Pgs 108-114.

6.1. Effects of single parenting on children and ways to facilitate children’s holistic development amidst agonies.

6.1.1. Emotional trauma and blaming.

6.1.2. Behavioral and cognitive concerns in development.

6.1.3. Spiritual and mental struggles (negativism, criticism, irritability).

6.1.4. Financial pressures and lack of parental role model. Jessy Jaison. Pgs. 115-119.

6.1.5. Social stress: Single parents who single-handedly carry the challenges of parenting, always look for social
support. Social support can be defined as “the degree to which individuals have access to social resources, the form of
social relationships, on which they can rely". Daniel, Barnabas. Distant half distressed heart, (Delhi:ISPCK,2008),25.

6.1.6. Physical (biological) stress: In single parent households, when a single person takes the responsibility of two, they
may not be able to take care of their physical needs. That means they may not be able to regulate the proper functioning
mind and body. This will result in psychosomatic diseases which emerge through four different phases. They are psychic
phase, which is marked by psychological and behavioral symptoms of stress (e.g. irritability, disturbed sleep, loss of
appetite etc.). Daniel, Barnabas. Distant half distressed heart. (Delhi:ISPCK, 2008),23.

6.2. Multi-Dimensional Needs of Single Parents in Handling Stress. It may worthwhile to discuss some of the
supportive tips listed in “Parenting Your Child” in managing extra stresses in single parenting. Emotional Health (single
parent must be consciously aware of their need to maintain his/her own emotional health), Physical Care, action Plans,
spiritual Care, cognitive Wellbeing- Jessy Jaison pgs.123-125.

6.3. A Biblical Perspective of Single Parenting:

In Bible we find, where God Almighty sends His angel to seek after the slave woman, the deserted mother Hagar (Gen.
16:8). The compassionate God has been portrayed here who is attentive of the needs and struggles of His people. Angel
of the Lord “found” her means God sought after this lone mother. The angel gave her guidance on where to go and
shared with her the hope of what God has in store for the future of the child. Jessy Jasison pg. 126.

6.4. Pastoral Care and Counseling for Single Parenting

The central task of the pastor is to enable the counselee parents to examine their own feelings about the children in
relation to the divorce. Does the divorced person blame the children for the marriage breakdown? Is there an attempt to
overcompensate for having only one parent in various subtle ways? Does the parent feel, perhaps without
acknowledging it, that he really did want to eliminate the influence, and hence the threat, of the mate on the children’s
lives? Does the remaining mate feel adequate to the task of parenting?

The pastor may allow the parent to discuss, and possibly role-play, difficult situations relating to the divorce. For
example, the child may ask, “Why don’t you and (daddy mommy) live together so we can all be happy?” The parent
must be helped to be both supportive and honest in the answers to this and similar questions. In response to this
question, the parent might answer, “I love you and will continue to be with you, and (daddy mommy) loves you also.
We just could not seem to work together, somewhat like you and (name of a child) sometimes have difficulty playing.
We felt we could all be happier as we are now than if we had stayed together and fussed with each other all the time.” It
is important that the answer convey to the child that the parents are still clearly and definitely dependable and available
according to their children’s need.

7. Patriarchy: The word patriarchy literally means the rule of the father or the “patriarch” and originally it was used to
describe a specific type of “male dominated family” the large household of the patriarch which included women, junior
men, children slaves and domestic servants all under the rule of this domination male. Now it is used more generally to
refer to dominant, to the power relationships by which men dominate women, and to characterize a system whereby
women are kept subordinate in a number of ways. The subordination that they experience at a daily level, regardless of
the class that they belong to, takes various forms-discrimination, disregard, insult, control, exploitation, oppression,
violence within the family, at the place of work, in society. Rodney-

7.1. Patriarchy as violence inside the family:

The statistic suggesting nearly six million wives will be abused by their husband in any one probably do not represent
an increase in domestic violence throughout much of history, male violence towards women and children has been
socially, legally and religiously endorsed. Many of the time the abused women keep the issue as a secret one in order to
social acceptance and respect in the society. Another major issue discussed in family studies in domestic violence in
India, mostly violence against women. There are numerous stories of women who are trapped in abusive relationship
and there is no ending for their intolerable plights at the hands of their husbands and the extended family members.
There is various reason cited for such violence against women, beginning from the simple reason that there is excess salt
in the dish to the issue of dowry, etc. Paul, Weaver, Pastoral Care and Counselling (A.P: Authentic, 199.)

8. Intimate Violence.

The family’s capacity for intimacy is what makes possible for the balance between autonomy and mutuality that we
have identified as the hallmark of interdependence. It is easier to be truly separate within a family when one can count
on warmth and caring to keep people to gather. At the same time people are not likely to risk being close unless they
have the freedom to be separate and distinct individuals within the intimate community. Respect for the particularity of
another is what makes genuine intimacy possible. Herbert, Anderson, The family and pc. (Philadelphia: Fortress press,
1984).

8.1 Intimacy presupposes identity.

Being intimate is possible only if there is an “I” who is both subject and the object of the interaction. Relationship of
affection that is necessary for human survival and ordinary becomes a relationship of intimacy as the child’s identity
develops, some families, however, many remain affectionate but never become intimate because of the limits that are set
on becoming separation rather than intimacy. Without permeable boundaries, the distance that intimate relationship
become isolation. Genuine intimacy is possible only in those family that we have learned how to gather together. Above
footnote.

8.2. Physical Intimacy:

Physical intimacy is a central part of family life. People are promoted to marry because they find physical intimacy with
a particular person satisfying, within the bond of marriage, and given the mutual respect of marital relationship, there is
freedom to explore and celebrate erotic love ad a dimension of physical intimacy. Incest and other forms of sexual abuse
are a violation of the physical and emotional boundaries that normally makes emotional intimacy one variant of family
interdependence.

Human being needs to be connected to others in order to survive emotionally. The promotion of autonomy and equality
of women as well as men has made intimacy in the family harder rather than easier. If intimacy presupposes autonomy,
we now have the possibility for deeper level of mutuality in the family. Same footnote

8.3. Cause of Intimate Violence: Deep disturbing and destructive situation are experienced when the marital partners
and the extended family member fail to maintain an emotional nurturing and supportive relational environment. Verbal,
emotional, sexual and physical violence diminish the quality of marital relationship and deeply disturbed the psychic
development of children. Much attention is given to physical violence where as little or no focus on verbal, emotional
and sexual violence in the families in India today. It is been observed that deep disturbance and disharmony is created
by one or more of these forms of violence. Same foot

8.4. Way to solves intimate issues: In the emotional sphere, setting others at a distance makes it possible to share a
doubt or sorrow or joy within family without fear of being swallowed up system. The most positive way of managing
conflict, while also enhancing the possibility of its resolution, is to prevent others family members from being drawn
into the conflict. Same foot note,
Reflection:

Conclusion:

Bibliography: