Return of Faith Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider Chris

Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider Christians
Carissa Jane S. Marcos1,2,3,4, Allana Michaela R. Lamorena1,2,3,4, Nikki Patricia E. Mina1,2,3,4,

Romulo M. Calvo Jr.2,3,4,5
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Department of Psychology
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College of Arts and Sciences
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Research Development and Innovation Center
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Our Lady of Fatima University
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Research Adviser
March 2016
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Endorsement
This thesis entitled: “Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider

Christians” prepared by Carissa Jane S. Marcos et al. of PSY3Y2 – 1, in partial fulfilment of the
requirements for the degree Bachelor of Science in Psychology has been examined and now
recommended for Oral Examination.
This is to certify that Carissa Jane S. Marcos et al. are ready for the Oral Examination.
Romulo M. Calvo Jr.

Adviser
This is to certify that the thesis entitled: “Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of
Evangelical Backslider Christians” prepared and submitted by Marcos et al. of PSY3Y2 – 1,
successfully passed the Oral Examination on March 3, 2016.
Roy Paul J. Avila, MAED

Chair
Rudy M. Danganan Jr. Bonnavie A. Vergara, MAED

Member Member
Engr. Wilfredo M. Basilio

Dean, College of Arts and Sciences
Certificate of Originality
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We hereby declare that this thesis is our own work and that, to the best of our knowledge and
belief, it contains no material previously published or written by another person nor material to
which to a substantial extent has been accepted for award of any other degree or diploma of a
university or other institute of higher learning, except where due acknowledgment is made in the
text.
We also declare that the intellectual content of this thesis is the product of our work, even though
we may have received assistance from others on style, presentation, and language expression.
Carissa Jane S. Marcos

Principal Investigator
Members:
Allana Michaela R. Lamorena
Nikki Patricia E. Mina
Romulo M. Calvo Jr.

Adviser
Date:
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Table of Contents
Endorsement i
Certificate of Originality ii
Table of Contents iii
List of Figures v
List of Appendices vi
Abstract 1
1.0 Introduction 2
2.0 Literature Review 3
2.1 Theoretical Framework 3
2.2 Variable Discussion 3
2.2.1 Backsliding 3
2.2.2 Faith 5
2.2.3 Returning of Faith 5
3.0 Research Methodology 6
3.1 Research Design 6
3.2 Research Locale 6
3.3 Key Informant Selection 6
3.4 Research Ethics 7
3.5 Research Instruments 7
3.6 Data Collection 7
3.7 Data Analysis 8
4.0 Results 8
4.1 Respondents’ Background 8
4.2 Data Analysis and Themes 9
4.2.1 Collaizzi’s Method 9

4.2.1.1 Doing What is Not Supposed to be Done or 10
Not Doing What is Supposed to be Done
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4.2.1.2 Internal Factors 11
4.2.1.2.1 Commitment to the Faith 11
4.2.1.2.2 Convictions as Moral Compass 12
4.2.1.2.3 Struggles with the Christian Life 12
4.2.1.2.4 Compromises in the Christian Walk 13
4.2.1.2.5 Intentional Isolation 14
4.2.1.2.6 Apathy towards Convictions 15
4.2.1.2.7 Feelings of Distress 15
4.2.1.3 External Factors 16
4.2.1.3.1 Influence of Non-Christian Peers 16
4.2.1.3.2 Expectations of People from being a Christian 17
4.2.1.4 ‘Loss’ of Object of Backsliding 18
4.2.1.5 Realization of the Need and Desire to Recommit 18
4.2.1.6 Love, Grace and Acceptance Experienced 19
4.3 Emergent Framework 21
5.0 Discussion 21
Conclusion 23
Recommendation 23
Acknowledgements 23
References 24
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List of Figures
Figure 1: Construction of Backsliding 21

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List of Appendices
Appendix A: Consent Form 26
Appendix B: Interview Questionnaire 28
Appendix C: Research Budget 30
Appendix D: Timeline 31
Appendix E: Validation Letter 33
Appendix F: Interview Text 34
Appendix G: Glossary of Terms 99
Appendix H: Curriculum Vitae 100

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Abstract
Backsliding is perceived as doing what is not supposed to be done or not doing what is supposed
to be done intentionally. This study aimed to better understand the phenomena of backsliding and
what causes the return of faith; providing a psychologically comprehensive theory. Three
participants who were attending Christian Organizations and residing in the province of Rizal and
NCR were selected. Unstructured audiotape interviews using a validated semi-structured
questionnaire were conducted. The unstructured interview underwent Collaizzi’s method of
analysis which identified significant statements and converted them into meaningful information
(Shosha, 2012). The results generated internal and external factors that construct backsliding.
Internal factors are the innate perception, tendencies or subjective experiences of a backsliding
Christian. The external factors are the external influences that were present in backsliding.
Keywords: Backsliding, Christian, Return of Faith, Religion

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1.0 Introduction
Religions offer an understanding, an explanation or some form of truth about the nature
and mysteries of human life, man’s purpose, and transcendence. It often supports the belief in
God or a Supreme Being, afterlife, rituals, and prayers. The religious worldview has greatly
influenced and shaped the human approach to morality, society, and its constituents. Numerous
people have found religion to be “a profound, satisfying and fulfilling philosophy” in their lives
despite the history of issues and problems related to it (Sweetman, 2007).
According to a comprehensive demographic study conducted by the Pew Research

Center’s (2012) Forum on Religion & Public Life in 2010, there is an estimate of 2.2 billion, or
one-in-three (32%) of Christians worldwide; making Christianity the world’s largest religion that
is also widely recognized in the Philippines.
The researchers define backsliding as the regression in the spiritual walk of a Christian,
determined by the decreased effort or total loss in one’s spiritual commitments, like: church
attendance, church involvement, Bible reading and study, prayer, worship, scripture meditation,
evangelism, serving, stewardship of time and money, scripture application and the like.
This study focused on Born-again Christians - who were born again or renewed by the
Spirit of God. These people believe in the divinity of Jesus, and in the authority of the Bible. That
it is by faith in Christ’s sacrifice that they are saved and granted new life for transformation.
Christians are to live for God and to imitate Christ (Gentry, 2015). They tend to experience
discomfort in their pursuit, despite of their faith and involvement in church; having the tendency
of suspending or compromising their beliefs (Compere, 2010).
Most people outside of Christianity have a vague idea about the Christian way of living,
but this study was aimed to identify the factors that cause Christians to backslide and to return to
their faith. Ultimately, the researchers aimed to provide a psychologically comprehensive theory
about backsliding.
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2.0 Literature Review
2.1 Theoretical Framework
The researchers used Leon Festinger's Cognitive Dissonance Theory (McLeod, 2014)
where it is stated that people are seeking consistency in their thoughts, beliefs, and actions. As
one experiences these conflicts, they experience a feeling of discomfort caused by the dissonance.
The feeling of discomfort urges a person to act in an effort to eliminate the conflict and
discomfort he is experiencing; either by pursuing to act according to his belief, changing, or
abandoning his belief. This can become a repetitive cycle of trying to abolish feelings of
discomfort, like when the feelings are reinforced by a stimulus or a situation. The researchers
chose this theory because it explains why Christians sometimes compromise their decisions and
actions; that their backslidings were efforts to reduce feelings of discomfort caused by a conflict
between what they do and believe.
2.2 Variable Discussion
2.2.1 Backsliding
Defecting Born-again Christian is likely the term for backsliders. The psychology of
backsliding proposed by Dag Heward-Mills (2011) deals with how the backslider thinks that
affects attitudes; that attitudes lead to actions that will eventually become behaviour pattern.
Becker and Geissler (2009) stated that one of the causes of backsliding is also the loss of peer
group. Social support and accountability are important elements that if lost, will make it harder to
return.
Another instance is the system of Filipinos discussed by Evelyn Miranda-Feliciano
(1990) in her book. The popular ‘bahala na’ belief of the Filipinos affect the quality of their
personal relationship with Jesus Christ because of mistrust. ‘Pakikisama’ is another factor
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because it makes Christians compromise their principles with things that contradict with their
belief.
Anxiety is a mental condition, natural reaction to stressful situations and feelings of

tension. The idea of having a relationship with God indicates that the contentment from God’s
love should be enough for these people to gain happiness in this world but anxiety prevents that.
It is important to understand that it’s actually a symptom of anxiety when there would be a
shaking of faith and changing of thought processes for one to remain negative and hopeless. It is
the result of distrust to God’s plan and not being committed to God (Calm Clinic, 2015).
Another matter is the issue of apathy among Christians. Apathy is defined as the absence
or the suppression of emotion, feeling, concern or passion. It is also indifference to things that are
supposedly exciting and moving. But periods of apathy are viewed normal in adolescent stages
and in coping with stressful situations. However, the apathy in the life of Christians makes them
stagnant in their Christian life and passive in taking in learning from the Bible (Buckle, 2015).
2.2.2 Faith
“The art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing
moods.” – C.S. Lewis (1952). Faith requires consistency; continuing to seek one’s beliefs and
supporting them with their actions.
A study conducted on 2005 led by Smith and Denton reported that most religious youths
either do not really comprehend what their own religious traditions say, or they do understand it
but simply do not care to believe it. Studies find that the main reason people abandon their
Christian upbringing is unanswered intellectual questions (Nazworth, 2015).
Rachel Blass (2013) dicussed faith in terms of underlying psychological factors such as
needs, wishes, tendencies, etc. She stated that because of personality and psychological
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limitations of people, they are bound to accept groundless claims of the existence of and
relationship to God. In other words, people’s belief in God was created to fill the gaps that they
experience; the need to be protected, loved, punished, restricted from desires, need for mercy,
perfection, and power. It is out of the needs satisfied from believing in a supreme power and a set
of rules or beliefs that people choose to have faith rather than having to think, decide and act on
their own; providing a tendency to blindly accept and follow traditional claims.
Christianity has different ways to nurture and maintain one’s spiritual walk. Whitney
(2014) enumerated some of them in his work as spiritual disciplines. These spiritual disciplines
are church attendance, church involvement, Bible reading and study, prayer, worship, scripture
meditation, evangelism, serving, stewardship of time and money, and scripture application. These
disciplines were used for this study as the criteria for the commitments Christians had prior to
backsliding, the changes experienced during backsliding and the changes in these disciplines after
returning to their faith.
2.2.3 Returning of Faith
Steven Tighe (2015) suggested in his study, that a once-and-for-all commitment to Christ
may not be enough. He negotiated that there is often multiple commitments that an individual
experiences. The need for recommitment may have a connection with different life stages that
could have caused a change in cognitive understanding, social context, locus of authority, and
moral reasoning—as well as changes in the young person’s image of God and identity
development.
Research Question 1: How is backsliding constructed?

Research Question 2: What are the factors that lead to the return of faith?
3.0 Research Methodology

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3.1 Research Design
The researchers used a qualitative case study approach. A qualitative study gives
emphasis on naturalistic observation and provides a description on the qualities of life (Madrigal
& McClain, 2012). Case study was specifically chosen because it is “well-suited for extensive
and in-depth descriptions of complex social phenomena and depth of analysis is one of the
primary virtues” (Baškarada, 2014).
3.2 Research Locale
The participants of this study came from NCR and the province of Rizal. They came from
different Born-again Christian organizations or churches that were Evangelical. The researchers
met the participants within the agreed locations.
3.3 Key Informant Selection
Purposive sampling represents a non-probability sampling technique and its main goal is
to focus on a particular population that is best to answer the research questions. Purposive
sampling was used in this study. The researchers chose this sampling because the study will talk
about the faith of Born-again Christians only and mainly cover the faith of backsliders. The
researchers had connections to Born-again Christian organizations, like Victory Christian
Fellowship and Christ’s Commission Fellowship. The criteria for the participants were: (1) self-
identified backsliders, (2) aged 18-25 or young adult, and (3) leading an accountability group
before backsliding.
3.4 Research Ethics

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A set of guidelines was observed by the researchers to make sure that the research did
not have any conflict with research ethics. (1) Principle of Integrity, that promotes accuracy,
honesty, and truthfulness. (2) Principle of Respect for People’s Rights and Dignity that respects
the dignity and worth of the respondents, and their rights to privacy, confidentiality, and self-
determination. It also aims to respect cultural, individual, and role differences.
3.5 Research Instruments
The researchers used a semi-structured questionnaire validated by three (3) professionals

who majored in psychology for the interviews. The interview was conducted to determine the
sources of backsliding and its futility. The researchers used voice recorders. Pens and papers were
also used for note-taking, etc.
3.6 Data Collection
The following were conducted accordingly to the study. (1) Briefing the participants. (2)
Conducting the semi-structured interview. (3) Debriefing the participants. (4) Transcribing the
results. (5) Analyzing the data collected. The anonymity of the participants was observed.
3.7 Data Analysis
Colaizzi’s method of data analysis includes understanding the data and identifying
significant statements which in turn were converted into formulated meanings (Shosha, 2012).
Colaizzi’s data analysis method was used to ensure that the participants’ experiences were
correctly interpreted.
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4.0 Results
4.1 Respondents’ Background
The participants were selected using the purposive type of sampling. The respondents
were 18-25 year old Evangelical Christians who were leaders of accountability groups in their
respective churches before backsliding and have now returned to their faith.
R1 is a 22 year-old male. He grew up in a Born-Again Christian environment. Despite his

exposure to Christianity at an early age, it was in 2009 when he made a personal decision to
accept Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior. He is now serving in the music ministry and leading
an accountability group. He is currently taking his undergraduate course in Psychology, residing
in Antipolo.
R2 is a 21 year-old male who was raised in a Christian family, but made the personal
decision to accept Jesus Christ in 2008. He is currently taking his undergraduate studies in Music
in one of the renowned schools in Manila. He is also an active leader and musician in his church’s
youth group.
R3 is a 23 year-old female who also grew up in a Christian family. It was in 2006 when
she personally accepted Jesus Christ. She finished Bachelor of Science in Mathematics from a
state university in Manila. She has been married for two years and has one child. She is currently
employed at an insurance company. She used to be active in their youth group where she worked
as a leader and musician before backsliding. She is currently a member of a couples’
accountability group which she regularly attends to.
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All the respondents were leaders prior to their backsliding and only one of them isn’t
currently leading an accountability group. Only one of them is married.
4.2 Data Analysis and Themes
4.2.1 Collaizzi’s Method
The researchers analyzed the data gathered and developed themes according to the
patterns they noticed in the respondents' respective answers. The following are the themes and
their meanings along with the statements of the respondents that support it.
4.2.1.1 Doing What Is Not Supposed to be Done or Not Doing What Is Supposed to be Done
Intentionally
As Christians, the respondents follow ideals that are based on the Bible or their
convictions. They are encouraged to live according to these ideals and when they fail to do so,
they consider it as a conscious act of disobedience which is how they define backsliding. They
often make decisions that are in contrast with their Christian ideals, but in line with their personal
want or will. Backsliding could also be when they believe God is leading them to do something in
faith, but refuse to out of doubts, fears or simply not wanting to.
However, simply committing one or both of these does not automatically mean
backsliding. It is only when they consistently continue in these ways, eventually shelving their
“personal relationship with God” by not doing their spiritual routines, leaving their church,
avoiding their accountability groups or not communicating with God; all of which were things
they used to do on a regular basis. This may be out of going after what they personally prefer,
frustration, or rebellion.
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“Definition pala ng backsliding... Rebelling intentionally... Aware ka.

Alam mo.” (Definition of backsliding, by the way… Rebelling intentionally…
You’re aware. You know.) – R1
“Denying Jesus. Tatalikod ka and lalakad ka palayo. So parang,

makikipag-break ako, ganun... Lahat ng tinuturo ko dati, dinis-obey ko lahat yun.
Parang, sinasabi ko... wag niyong gawin ‘to, and then ginawa ko sila lahat... not
walking the talk. Basically I was doing it kasi nagalit ako kay God, nagtampo
ako kay God... It was a rebellion. Parang, sinadya ko talaga.” (Denying Jesus.
You’re gonna turn your back and walk away. So it’s like, I’m gonna break up
(with Him), like that… All the things I used to teach, I disobeyed. It’s like, I was
saying… ‘don’t do this,’ and then I did them all. Basically I was doing it because
I was mad at God, I was holding a grudge against God. It was a rebellion. It’s
like, I did it on purpose.) – R2
“Baksliding is... parang... blatant and conscious na disobedience to God,

meaning, alam mo yung teachings niya... kino-convict ka na and all pero
ginagawa mo parin yung opposite nung sinasabi...” (Backsliding is… like a…
blatant and conscious disobedience to God, meaning, you know His teachings…
you feel convicted and all but you still do the opposite…) – R3
4.2.1.2 Internal Factors
The researchers categorized the factors that construct backsliding into two: internal and
external factors. Internal factors pertain to the innate perception, tendencies or subjective
experiences of a backsliding Christian. The internal factors are their commitment to the faith,
convictions as moral compass, struggles with the Christian life, compromises in the Christian
walk, intentional isolation, apathy towards convictions, and feelings of distress.
4.2.1.2.1 Commitment to the Faith

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Commitment is when they make God or Jesus Christ the master of their lives, living by
God’s will or purpose which they learn from reading the Bible, praying, seeking counsel, and
their convictions; following their sense of God’s leading. The respondents mentioned that to
backslide, there must be a commitment first. It results to involvement and transformation; a
“personal relationship with God” which they all described to have begun when they accepted
Jesus Christ as their “Lord and Savior”.
“It (accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior) implies Lordship and total
surrender of my life. God should be the one who calls the shots in my life.
(Decisions should be based on God’s will and purpose).” – R1
“You can’t call it backsliding kung.. hindi kayo nag-connect, tapos

umalis ka. You have to be connected first. You have to be engaged, you have to
be involved. Then all of a sudden, bumitaw ka. That’s backsliding to me.” (You
can’t call it backsliding if.. you didn’t connect, then you left. You have to be
connected first. You have to be engaged, you have to be involved. Then all of a
sudden, you let go. That’s backsliding to me.) – R2
4.2.1.2.2 Convictions as Moral Compass
Convictions are subjective ideals of what one thinks and feels as right or wrong (not
necessarily and explicitly defined by their religion or faith). This could be especially applied to
moral “grey areas” in which the Bible or the church may not consider as directly right or wrong.
The respondents’ belief system, experiences, upbringing and social influences formed their
convictions. The respondents mentioned that they often felt convicted to stop continuing in their
backsliding and start abiding by their beliefs.
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“Ang dami nang time na nangusap si Lord. Na baka malaman at alam

kong walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag. Alam ko na malalaman. Pero nagtuloy
pa din ako. Ang tigas nga ng ulo ko eh.” (Many times, the Lord was speaking to
me. That I might be found out and I know that there’s no secret that won’t be
made known. I knew that it will be found out. But I still went on. I was really
hard-headed.) – R1
“I was aware… I was doing something wrong... I know the truth. I know
what I have to do. But I can’t do what I have to do.” – R2
4.2.1.2.3 Struggles with the Christian Life
Struggles are the difficulties Christians experience within themselves. These could be
present when they experience difficult situations, conflicts between what they want and what is
right according to their faith, or when they encounter their weaknesses.
“...sinurrender ko siya kay Lord ng paulit-ulit pero di ko siya nagawa,

because I love doing it... I cannot help but to really do it....” (I really surrendered
it to the Lord over and over but I couldn’t stop, because I love doing it… I cannot
help but to really do it.) – R1
“...even being on the right track, kahit tama na yung teachings... for
some reason, nakapag-backslide pa din ako... there was struggle pa rin talaga...
inatake yung weakness ko.” (Even being on the right track, even though the
teachings were already right… for some reason, I still backslided. There still
really was a struggle. My weakness was attacked.) - R2
4.2.1.2.4 Compromises in the Christian Walk

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Compromises are often made either by slacking off their spiritual routines or by lowering
their standards of what is right or wrong in order to justify their decisions or actions that are in
conflict with their convictions.
“Minsan nakakaligtaan ko magbasa ng Bible... prayer, lahat, halos lahat

- fasting, tithing... Naco-compromise ko lahat... Since nga I have the struggle
hindi ko ni-reprimand yung sarili ko... May mga times na hindi ko tinutulungan
yung sarili ko na i-restrict yung sarili ko… And siguro sa mga maliliit na yun,
dahil dun, nag-lead siya sa sin…” (Sometimes I forget to read the Bible…
prayer, everything – almost everything – fasting, tithing… I got to compromise
everything… Since I had the struggle, I didn’t reprimand myself… There were
times that I didn’t help to restrict myself… And maybe because of those little
(compromises), because of those, it led to sin.) – R1
4.2.1.2.5 Intentional Isolation
Christians often withdrew themselves from their families and fellow Christians. They
often described their relationship with others as distant and inauthentic despite the efforts of their
support systems to reach out to them. They mostly hid that they were backsliding because they
felt ashamed, fearing rejection if they were found out.
“I tend to withdraw myself sa church... I cut everything, lahat ng

communication... Facebook, nag-deactivate ako... Natiis ko na i-cut lahat. I lived
a life as if wala akong parents.” (I tend to withdraw myself from church… I cut
everything, all communication… Facebook, I deactivated… I bore to cut
everything. I lived a life as if I had no parents.) – R1
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“...since yung nag-backslide ako... sirang-sira yung relationship ko with

the family, I was so distant... Nagrerebelde ako, nagsisinungaling ako, even... to
my friends. Yun nga, sa mga disciple ko dati, di ko na sila kinausap.” (Since I
backslided… my relationship with my family was really messy, I was so distant.
I was rebelling; I was lying, even to my friends. And to my disciples before, I
wasn’t talking to them.) – R2
“...yung nagdi-distance sa sarili mo sa kanila kase alam mong may mali

kang ginagawa eh... tas... ikaw yung parang nire-reach out… ikaw pa yung
lumalayo... Tendency ko, naglilihim ako... puno ako ng lies...” (You distance
yourself from them because you know you’re doing something wrong. They
reach out to you but you keep distance. My tendency was, I hid things… I was
full of lies...) – R3
4.2.1.2.6 Apathy towards Convictions
Backslider Christians become apathetic by dismissing their convictions or avoiding

circumstances that would arouse it. As they continually dismiss their convictions, it becomes less
effective. This makes going back to their faith even more difficult, furthering their backslide. The
respondents all mentioned a point wherein they became numb to their convictions.
“...naging calloused yung heart ko... Natakpan kasi siya ng galit at poot
eh, guilt, so parang hindi ko nararamdaman dati yung standard. Yung
conscience ko nawala... Wala akong pakialam… walang holy-holy ngayon... Di
ako magbabasa ng Bible. Wala talaga. I'm not talking to God.” (My heart
became calloused... It was covered with anger and hurt, guilt, so it was like I
couldn’t feel the standards before. My conscience was lost. I didn’t care. Nothing
holy. I wouldn’t read the Bible. Nothing. I wouldn’t talk to God.) – R1
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“Parang naging calloused heart.. nag-manhid na nga siya kasi parang

nagui-guilty nga ako pero tinutuloy ko paren.” (It’s like your heart became
calloused. You were already numb because you felt guilty but continued on
anyway.) – R3
4.2.1.2.7 Feelings of Distress
The respondents experienced distress in various forms. They experienced feeling

unhappy despite going after what they initially wanted. They felt lost and hopeless.
“Di ko alam kung pano mo pa ko mase-save dito. Di ko alam kung pano

mo pa ko mapu-pull out dito (backslide)... There’s no getting out of here.’” (I
don’t know how you’re gonna save me, how you’re gonna pull me out from
here… There’s no getting out of here.) – R2
“…hindi talaga ako masaya kasi alam ko na hindi ko siya napli-please

eh... tas at the same time chaotic talaga yung relationships ko sa iba’t-ibang tao
sa family ko... yung nakikita mo na out of order talaga yung buhay mo... so hindi
talaga happy that time parang temporal lang.. temporary lang talaga yung
happiness na kunwari that time na ginawa ko yung sin…” (I really wasn’t happy
because I knew I wasn’t pleasing Him… and at the same time, my relationships
were really chaotic… you could see that your life was out of order… so I really
wasn’t happy that time, only temporary happiness like from the times I was
sinning.) – R3
4.2.1.3 External Factors

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The external factors pertain to the external influences that were consistently present in
backsliding. These factors are the influence of non-Christian peers and the expectations of people
for being a Christian.
4.2.1.3.1 Influence of Non-Christian Peers
During backsliding, the respondents surrounded themselves with non-Christians; friends

who tolerated changes in their lifestyle or behaviour. It made it easier and justifiable for them to
continue doing what they were not supposed to be doing.
“Pero before kaya siya natri-trigger kasi I tend to go to my worldly

friends, wherein they always tell me na ‘wag na kasi ganyan… wag ka na diyan,
dito ka naman talaga belong…’ parang ganun. Though di nila yun directly
sinasabi sakin, pero the way they treat me during that time, ganun talaga…”
(Before it was triggered because I tend to go to my worldly friends, wherein they
always tell me ‘Don’t be religious… don’t join there, this is where you belong…’
Though not directly, but the way they treated me implied so.) – R1
“Syempre sila yung mga kasa-kasama ko… non-believers parang di

naman nila que-question-in... okay lang yun sa kanila kasi di naman ganun yung
convictions nila.” (I was with them… non-believers. They wouldn’t question
me... they were okay with it because they had different convictions.) – R3
4.2.1.3.2 Expectations of People for being a Christian
Deciding to be a Christian comes with adhering to certain ideals, which means there are
certain expectations of a Christian. It causes pressure within Christians to live up to those
expectations. However, failure to do so caused them to feel shame and hypocritical.
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“Every time kasi I fail sa leadership I tend to backslide. I tend to

withdraw myself sa church. Because of guilt.” (Every time I fail in leadership, I
tend to backslide. I tend to withdraw myself from church. Because of guilt.) – R1
“Yung commitment ko sa church kasi... talaga naging inconsistent…

yung di mo nabibigay yung best mo, tsaka parang… feeling mo ang hypocrite mo
kasi... nagle-lead ako… tapos parang may mga maling area ng buhay ko.” (My
commitment in church… became really inconsistent… like you’re not giving
your best, and you feel like a hypocrite because… I was leading while there was
a wrong area in my life.) – R3
4.2.1.4 ‘Loss’ of Object of Backsliding
One of the events that initiated the return of faith for the respondents was the loss of
object of backsliding. The object of backsliding is whatever they have chosen over their faith.
Christians commonly call it as “idols” in their lives, defined to be “things loved more than God”.
It could be a particular “sin” or wrongdoing, relationships, etc. Christians found backsliding to
have been pointless after losing what they backslided for in the first place.
“…mali yun. Kasi it led to something else eh... feelings na mas naging
mahal ko siya kesa kay Lord… It wasn’t my plan to break up with her... He made
a way na magkahiwalay kami. Hanggang sa yun nga, dinagdagan pa ni God.
Parang gumawa pa si God ng way para mas malayo pa ko.” (It was wrong.
Because it led to loving her more than the Lord. It wasn’t my plan to break up
with her. He made a way for us to separate. Until, God eventually made a way to
take me further away.) – R2
4.2.1.5 Realization of the Need and Desire to Recommit

25
The realizations of the respondents led to the return of their faith. Subsequent to chasing
after their desires, the respondents realized how the happiness they achieved from those desires
was only temporary. They got tired of living empty and miserable lives after realizing that they
could have better and fulfilling lives like they used to before backsliding. These realizations
urged them to turn away from their wrongdoings, surrender their lives and go back to their faith.
“Ang hirap naman mag-follow sayo (Jesus), ang hirap naman mag-stay,
pero na-realize ko na mas mahirap pala kapag wala ka.’” (It’s difficult to
follow you, to stay, but I realized it was harder without you.) – R1
“Then I realized na, God really put me there in place na di ko kaya… so

I can finally realize, so I can finally learn... there are really things na kaya kong
i-overcome yung weakness ko through Him.” (Then I realized that God really put
me there in a place I couldn’t handle on my own… so I can finally realize and
learn that I could really overcome my weaknesses through Him.) – R2
“Napagod na ako na... mag-disobey… dun sa feeling na guilty pero

ginagawa ko parin naman. Napagod kang makita na nasisira yung buhay mo tas
parang... napagod na akong nabubuhay ng hindi talaga based dun sa word ni
God, parang hindi talaga based dun sa kung ano ba yung tama... Initially yun
talaga yung reason kung bakit ako nag return sa faith... Pero yung factor talaga
is... after all meron kang awareness na hindi eto yung buhay ko dapat... parang
yung feeling, pati yung mga circumstances... parang trigger lang siya... Parang
para bumalik ako... for me to come to my senses... na this is not the life that God
wanted for me.” (I got tired of disobeying, of feeling guilty but contuing in my
ways, of seeing my life become a ruin. I got tired of not living according to
God’s word, according to what’s right. Initially, that’s the reason I returned to
faith. But the real factor is, after all, you have awareness that this is not how my
life should be. The feelings and the circumstances, were only triggers for me to
26
go back… for me to come to my senses… that this is not the life God wanted for
me.) – R3
4.2.1.6 Love, Grace and Acceptance Experienced
Another factor that led to the respondents’ return of faith was the love, grace and
acceptance they experienced from their families, faith communities, and God. They mentioned
how it helped in overcoming their shame and fear. They also interpreted it as God’s love
exhibited through their faith community. The respondents emphasized how they felt that losing
their object of backsliding and their realizations was still God’s work. That it was God’s grace
and love that sought after them to go back to their faith despite their shortcomings and failures,
and that their return was in response to that overwhelming and moving experience.
“Sabi niya (mom), ‘Anak, tanggap ka namin...’ Ayun yung time na na-
encounter ko talaga yung love ni Lord... Kasi yung acceptance. Nauna muna
yung acceptance, nauna muna yung grace. Na-realize ko na grabe I'm still
loved...” (She said, ‘Son, we accept you…’ That was the time I really
encountered the love of the Lord… because of the acceptance. Acceptance came
first, grace. I realized that wow, I’m still loved.) – R1
“Dun ko na-experience ulit yung grace... na ganun pala yung extent ng

love niya. To the point na siya pala yung gagawa ng way para makabalik ako...
na-disciple ako. I met new friends... I was experiencing yung love ni God through
those people. I just saw God move.” (That’s when I experienced grace once
more… that that was the extent of His love. To the point that He was the one who
made a way for me to come back…. I was discipled. I met new friends... I was
experiencing God’s love through those people. I just saw God move.) – R2
“My parents and their constant prayers and guidance. Sila parents,
constantly nag-remind sakin ng love and forgiveness ni Lord kaya big factor sila
27
sa pag-return ko.” (My parents and their constant prayers and guidance. My
parents, constantly reminded me of the love and forgiveness of the Lord, so
they’re a big factor for my return.) – R3
4.3 Emergent Framework
Figure 1. Construction of Backsliding
This figure shows how backsliding, defined as “doing what is not supposed to be done or not
doing what is supposed to be done intentionally” is constructed. Internal and external factors
construct the said concept. Internal factors pertain to the innate perception, tendencies or
subjective experiences of a backsliding Christian. While the external factors pertain to the
external influences that were consistently present during backsliding. These factors influence the
construction of backsliding.
5.0 Discussion
28
Based on the results, the researchers theorized that backsliding is constructed by doing
what is not supposed to be done or not doing what is supposed to be done intentionally, internal,
and external factors. There are seven internal factors. The first one is the commitment to the faith.
One cannot backslide if reasonable commitment to a belief is not established, contrary to Rachel
Blass’ (2013) theory that Christians blindly accept and follow traditional claims. The second
factor is the conviction that serves as their moral compass. These are the subjective ideals formed
by belief systems, experiences, upbringing and social influences. The third factor is the struggle
in the Christian life and in adhering to beliefs, and the fourth factor are the compromises in the
Christian walk. The cognition based from the convictions, struggles, and the compromises affect
the attitudes and are manifested in actions. This confirms Dag Heward-Mills statement that how a
backslider thinks affects his attitudes, manifesting in behaviour. Contrary to the assumptions, it is
not simply the church failing backsliders intellectually (Smith & Denton, 2005) that lead to
backsliding, but more on the pursuit to go after the desires that are discouraged in Christianity.
The fifth factor is intentional isolation, confirming Becker and Geissler’s (2009) statement that
the loss of peer group is a cause of backsliding. It is the effect of fear of judgment base on anxiety
that leads them to isolate themselves, causing the actual loss of Christian peer groups. The sixth
factor is apathy towards convictions. It was evident that backsliders become dismissive and
avoidant about how their Christian life should be. The last factor is the feelings of distress, which
is actually a result of anxiety. Experiencing feelings of anxiety has a domino effect: Examples of
these are [1] fear and the feeling of being judged, [2] self-condemnation and guilt resulting to
feeling ashamed of going back to their faith, [3] feeling undeserving of restoration which doesn’t
necessarily mean having doubts and distrust in God’s plan, contrary to the article by Calm Clinic
(2015). [4] Filling an anxious and vacant heart with things other than God which later on results
to feelings of emptiness. And [5] apathy makes them resistant to try and go back to their faith,
dismissing and avoiding their convictions (Buckle, 2015). On the other hand, external factors
pertain to the influence of non-Christian peers and the expectations of people from Christians. In
the book of Evelyn Miranda-Feliciano (1990), it was discussed that “pakikisama” has a
significant effect that will lead Christians to lowering their standards that contradicts their belief.
Backsliders tended to be aloof from their Christian peers, surrounding themselves with non-
Christians instead. Furthermore, it is confirmed that Christians are expected to nurture their
spiritual walk through church involvement and church attendance as part of their spiritual
disciplines (Whitney, 2014).
29
The factors that influence the returning of faith are as follows: ‘loss’ of the object of
backsliding, love and acceptance from their faith community and support system (e.g. family), a
shift in the individual’s perception of how God views them (i.e. loved, shown grace, and
forgiven), and realizations from being tired and unhappy of a life without direction in comparison
to the fulfilling lives they once experienced prior to backsliding. It is evident that Steven Tighe’s
(2015) suggestion in his study is true, that a once-and-for-all commitment to Christ may not be
enough. That there are multiple commitments, as there were in the cases presented in this study.
Conclusion
The phenomena of backsliding is perceived as doing what is not supposed to be done or

not doing what is supposed to be done intentionally. The researchers came up with a theory that
backsliding is also constructed by internal and external factors. Mainly, it is out of a Christians’
contradicting personal desire that hindrances to adhere to their faith are formed, eventually
leading to backsliding once sought after.
Recommendation
This study explains the backsliding in the life of Evangelical Born-again Christians.
Since there is little knowledge of this concept, further studies could be generated from this study.
Future researchers could conduct studies on backsliders from other religions, as well as for those
who did not return to their faith. Another study could be done for backsliders in mid-life age that
could generate different results. Among other interesting phenomena is when Christians jump
from one church to another. Lastly, the researchers recommend the exploration of the various
kinds of backsliding that are not confined to religion but in other concepts like weight-loss
journeys, trainings, transitioning to a vegetarian or vegan diet, etc.
Acknowledgement
30
We would like to acknowledge and thank our parents, professors, classmates and friends
for helping and guiding us in completing our thesis.
31
References
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Article 24), 1-25. Retrieved from September 1, 2015 6:53 pm from
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Becker, F. & Geissler, W. (2009). Aids and Religion Practices in Africa.

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http://www.thinkingfaith.org/articles/20130611_1.htm
Blass, R. (2013, June 13). Faith and the Psychologists: On How Atheist Psychology Serves Faith.
Buckle, K. (2015, March 1). Psychology of Indifference. Retrieved Aug 18,2015 8:57pm from
http://www.gratiaplenacounseling.org/the-psychology-of-indifference/
Calm Clinic. (2015). Anxiety in the Bible. Retrieved Aug 19, 2015 9:04pm from
http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/anxiety-in-the-bible
Compere, J. (2010). Towards the Light. United States of America: Writers Cramp Publishers.
Feliciano, E. (1990). Filipino Values and our Christian Faith. OMF Literature.
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http://www.newsmax.com/FastFeatures/born-again-christians-beliefs-
denominations/2015/04/17/id/639260/
Lewis, C.S. (1952). Mere Christianity. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.
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Madrigal, D. & McClain, B. (2012, September). Strengths and Weaknesses of Quantitative and
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emotional-high-says-nancy-pearcey-cp-interview-1-2-137420/
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in alliance with Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.
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Appendix A
Consent Form
Research Title: Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider Christians
School: Our Lady of Fatima University - Antipolo Campus
Researchers: Carissa Jane S. Marcos

A. Purpose and Conduct of the Study
The purpose of this study is for the researchers to understand the life of a Christian and the factors
that causes them to struggle and to have inconsistencies in their faith. They also aim to provide a
psychologically comprehensive theory about backsliding. This study will be conducted through a
semi-structured interview (voice recorded), and the researchers will get in contact with the
participants for follow-up upon their availability within the next three (3) months in any case that
it is necessary.
B. Risks and Inconveniences
There are no reasonable or foreseeable risks. The participants, however, may feel discomfort
while opening up their personal life during interviews with the researchers.
C. Possible Benefits for the Participants
This study would be beneficial to the participants by enabling them to express their thoughts and
feelings regarding their faith and experiences; and by helping them resolve some of their concerns
related to the study. It could also serve as an eye-opener to some people who are not aware of
and make prejudices about their situation.
D. Compensation
The food expenditures of the participants throughout the research process will be provided by the
researchers.
E. Provisions for Injury
If there would be injury or harm that occurred to the participants during the research process, the
researchers will not be liable to it.
F. Contact Person
If there are any questions or concerns regarding the study, the participants may contact Ms.
Carissa Jane S. Marcos, via cellphone, 0926-467-1978/0933-033-4245, or email,
ceedgemrcs@gmail.com.
G. Voluntariness of Participation
34
The participants are free of any coercion in participating in the study. They may also withdraw in
the research process anytime they want.
H. Confidentiality
The researchers will be responsible of the welfare and dignity of all involved in the process. All
gathered data (e.g. voice record) will be confidential.
Your signature below indicates that you have read and understood the information given above
and that you voluntarily agree to be a research participant for this study.
____________________ _______________ __________

Name of Respondent Signature Date
35
Appendix B
Interview Questionnaire
Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of a Backslider Christian
Research Questions:
1. Why do some Christians tend to have inconsistencies with their faith?

2. What are the possible influences that reinforce the tendencies of a Filipino Christian to
backslide?
3. What are the factors that influence the returning of faith?
4. What are they doing before and after they backslide?
Faith
1. When did you become a Christian?
2. How engaged are you in your Church’s activities?
3. What made you stay in the faith?
4. What made you stay in the church?
5. What are your spiritual routines?
6. How consistent were you with your spiritual routines?
7. Were there any compromises in your commitment to the faith?
a.) If yes, what are those?
8. Were there any compromises in your commitment to the church?
b.) If yes, what are those?
9. How do you describe your relationship with family, friends, work mates?
10. How do you describe your relationship with your churchmates?
11. On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 – being the lowest; 10 – being the highest), how seriously do you
take the principles and teachings of your faith?
12. How relevant is your faith to your everyday life?
13. How relevant is your faith when you face struggles in life?
Backsliding
1. What is backsliding for you?

2. Did you consider yourself as a backslider?
a.) Why/Why not?
3. When did you start backsliding?
4. How was your relationship with your family, friends, and strangers?
a.) Did your backsliding have any effect to your relationship with your family, friends,
and strangers?
b.) Describe your relationship with your family, friends, and strangers during that time.
5. What were the changes you experienced when you backslided?
Returning of Faith
1. Why did you return to the faith?
2. Why did you return to the church?
3. What were the factors that influenced you to return?
4. How did you come to think of it?
5. What did you feel when you returned to your faith?
6. Can you say that you are now firm in your faith?
a.) Why/Why not?
7. Were there any struggles when you returned?
a.) How did you deal with them?
8. What are the changes you experienced when you returned to your faith?
36
Additional Question:
- Do you see any possibility of you backsliding again in the future?
37
Appendix C
Research Budget
Price Quantity Total

Ateneo Library Research 30 9 270
Participants
Token 100 3 300
Food 200 2 400
Instrument
Printing 1 500 500
Manuscript
Proposal 15 3 45
Final Defense 43 3 129
Proposal Fee 1500 1 1500
Final Defense Fee 2400 1 2400
Total 5544
38
Appendix D
Timeline
Gantt Chart
39
40
Appendix E
Validation Letter
CERTIFICATE OF VALIDATION
This is to certify that Carissa Jane S. Marcos and her co-researchers’ made questionnaire
of the thesis entitled “Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider
Christians” has undergone checking of the interview guide questions used in the said study. Thus,
after editing this research tool, I have checked and approved that these questionnaires can be
administrated to the respondents of this study.
This certificate was issued for whatever purpose it may serve.
______________________
Signature over printed name
Date: __________________
41
Appendix F
Interview Text
Respondent 1
Interview Questionnaire Transcriptions
I: Game.
P: Ahh! This is it..
P: Pag umiyak ako… Wag kayo tatawa ah?
I: Syempre naman no... Okay. First question… When did you become a Christian?
P: Okay...Technically yon lumaki ako na... I mean nabinyagan ako sa Catholic. Pag nakita mo
yung... Birth certificate ko Catholic. And ah, lumaki ako sa Christian community. Nasabi ko sa
kanya 4 years old pa lang ako, first ministry ko na… Tambourine sa JIL… So lumaki akong
ganon... Bible study, ‘Hallelujah, Praise the Lord’ talaga.. Lumaki ako sa ganun talaga... Pero
nung sinurrender ko yung buhay ko kay Lord, that was… When I was in 1st year college... 2009.
I: First year college?

P: Six years na akong seryoso…
I: How engaged are you? Gaano ka katutok sa church activities?
P: Ay sobra! Kaya nga nag Bible school ako non eh. Isipin mo buhay ko, bahay-school na puro
God pa tapos church... Haha! Oh diba! Eh di ako na, diba? Puro Christian... Kaya nga nung
napunta ako sa ICCT, grabe, na-culture shock talaga ako.
I: Ay, really? So this is the first time that you…
P: Na pumunta ako sa isang…
I: A non-christian school?
P: Ah... Hindi... Nung elem... Nung highschool kasi pa-tweetams pa eh… Walang masyadong
nagmumura, hindi naman ganon ka ano... Pero dito?! Grabe! Wow! Iba talaga…
I: So di naman nag shake yung faith mo non?
P: Ay di naman. Eto? Dito? Ay di na! Ako nga yung nagiimpluwensya sa kanila ngayon eh.
I: Pero how engaged were you in your church activities?
P: Ha?
I: Gaano ka ka engaged sa church activities mo.. Ngayon?
P: Ngayon?
I: Sa church mo ngayon..
42
P: Current talaga ha? Kakapalit ko lang ng season eh. Kase na sa point kasi ako ng ano… Ng
parang gusto ko mag-focus sa school... Pero it doesn't mean na walang discipleship, sabi ko nga
sa inyo na sa sistema ko na talaga yun eh… I do One to One sa school.
I: Pero, uhmm, nagmiministry ka ba or…
P: Yeah, i do.
I: You're just attending ganyan?
P: I do ministry... Pero ano, pero, hindi na tulad before - every week. Ngayon kasi sobrang
kapag…
I: Pag kaya?
P: Pag kaya.
I: Anu-anong mga activities yon?

P: Sa church... Music team, stage management, since manager ako, nasabi ko sayo kanina, oo nga
pala kaya pala parang natatanong sila, hindi pala nila alam... Ahh, stage manger tapos, ahh ,may
mga events na yon like Leadership for 12… Discipleship, ano to, journey. Discipleship track
parang aral ng pataas ng pataas parang ganon. Tapos mga event, Christmas parties, mga ganon,
pupuntahan naman ako.
I: Are you involved in a group… Accountability group?

P: Ah! Yah yah yah! Sabi ko nga sayo, clingy friends! Yan! Yung mga ano ko yan, accoun..
Accountability group yan. And aside from that yung Victory group ko sa leader ko.. Yung ako
yung member.
I: Yes.
P: Oh yan yan. Ahh…

I: So, you're not that accountable to your members?
P: Yung ako.. Yung nilelead ko, accountable ako sa kanila, pero yung mga ka members ko, we
are accountable to each other. Parang check, check, check, check yan. Sinasabi ko yung mga...
Sample, may mga struggles ako, di ko sinasabi sa victory group ko yon, yung mga ano basta,
ayan, di ko sinasabi yan, syempre.
I: Okay…
P: Pray for me kasi may kalandian ako ngayon… Yung mga ganyan…
I: (laughs)
P: Edi na-stumble sa akin yan... So mga dito ako sa mga kasama ko sa circle ko talaga na, bro,
bro, may mga, may lumalandi sakin ngayon…
I: Because you want to be careful?

P: Of course!
I: Stum..
43
P: Na ma-stumble sila... So yung mga kasama ko... Pero hindi naman lahat eh, kase di naman
lahat mature sa loob ng circle namin.
I: Susunod na thesis natin yan, stumbling blocks. (Laughs) Pero okay... What made you stay in
the faith?
P: The people? Ahh... The love of God, of course. Ahh, the grace. Cliche, pero… The people. It's
really the people and my auntie, specifically. Nararamdaman niya kagad... Pag nawawala ako..
I: Bakit sila?
P: Kase... Naniniwala ako na pag nawala ako, di lang ako yung maaapektuhan... And because the
life... The life that I have is not about me.
I: Okay. So, same thing din why... Why you stayed in the church? Because of the people?
P: Yah. Kase ganto yan eh, parang sabi nila... Ako kasi, nagdadasal ako, “Lord ang hirap naman,’
sabi ko. ‘Ang hirap naman mag follow sayo. Ang hirap naman mag stay. Pero na realize ko mas
mahirap pala kapag wala ka.’
I: Hmm... Tweet na yan…

P: Diba? Parang... It's hard to follow Jesus, but it is more harder not to follow him... I've been
there. (Laughs)
I: (laughs)
P: Malalaman niyo yan pag nag angat na yung questions. Grabe sobrang…
I: Actually…
P: Like ngayon, tatanungin mo ako ng ganyan, I tell you... Ang... Ah! No, no. Parang kaya ako
magstastay at magstastay ako. Sa mga tao na yan.. And at the same time… Because of my
experience before kaya ako magstastay.
I: So what are your ano... Spiritual routines.
P: Actually, I hate routines, kase pag... Pag may routine kasi nangyayari sakin parang feeling ko
religiosity.
I: Ahhh... Okay.
P: Sakin ah? That's why I always... Kunwari, for example sa devotion ko, creative ako… Hindi
ako yung paulit-ulit, kase… Kapag routine kasi diba parang… Same yung cycle nung ano mo
diba? Parang..
I: So basically, what we're asking is what your spiritual disciplines are.
P: Ayy! Diba. Ano bang question?
I: Yon.. Yung routines kasi yung nandito. Pero, ahh... What we mean is yung ginagawa mo for
your spiritual nourishment…
P: Ahhh. Number 1…
I: Spiritual discipline…
44
P: Ahh. Yah, yah, yah. I got you. Parang ano, parang, for example Bible reading. Yan yan. That's
one of my routines, but I make sure na hindi parepareho yung way ko of reading my Bible.
I: May pabaliktad...
P: (laughs) Ginagawan ko siya ng creative way. Parang magbabasa ako ng ibang… Ng book
along with the ano, para... Para ganahan.
I: May specific time ba na etong time na to walang makakagulo sakin..
P: Ah yon... Kailangan iba-iba rin… Di ako nagbibigay ng specific time.. But I make sure na
hindi yun yung tira-tira kong oras… I make sure na hindi yun yon.
I: Okay.
P: Ahh, ano pa ba? Worship. Ayon. Solitude. Yan mga ganyan. Kailangan meron talaga akong...
Siguro yung solitude hindi siya everyday. Di ko siya ginagawa everyday. Ginagawa ko siya
siguro kapag nararamdaman ko necessary na siyang gawin.
I: Necessary na siyang gawin?

P: Nalalaman ko naman yun kapag kunwari over fellowship na... Parang..,
I: Ahhh.
P: Lagi na na ako may kasama…
I: Parang alone time mo…
P: Ahh alone time.. Yes, alone time. Me time.

I: So ano, gaano ka.. Gaano ka ka-consistent sa mga ginagawa mo?
P: Di ko nga masabi na consistent nga ako eh, kasi... Meron kasi akong ugali na kapag... Hindi ko
gagawin yung isang bagay without the value of doing it. Understanding the value. Tska kapag
blurred sakin yung value... Parang ayokong gawin. Ayokong gawin to’ out of obligation and out
of ano lang dapat kailangan kong gawin.
I: Kapag di mo feel…
P: Though discipline necessary kasi yon. Necessary. Kapag discipline kasi kailangan mo siyang
gawin kahit na hindi mo feel. Ganun ang discipline eh. That's why minsan wineweigh ko talaga
siya. Ahh eto ba yung klase ng discipline na kailangan ko siyang gawin kahit na hindi ko feel o
eto yung klase ng routine na kapag hindi ko feel kailangan hindi ko gawin. Parang kapag hindi ko
naintindihan yung value hindi ko gawin. Kailangan hindi ko siya gawin. Okay, bigyan ko kayo ng
example para mas ano. For example yung Bible reading... Sakin ano na siya, parang given na yon,
kumbaga, I have... Nakuha ko na yung discipline of reading my Bible. Ilang beses ko na nabasa
yung Bible from cover to cover. And kapag may mga times na parang kunwari antok na ako, di
ko na talaga babasahin yan. Kasi wala rin eh… Kung hindi ako disiplinado, kahit inaantok ako
babasahin ko yan para madisiplina. Nagegets ba? Eh since hindi ko naman issue na yung
discipline ng pagbabasa ng Bible, pag inaantok ako, I believe na kailangan... Hindi ko na dapat to
basahin, kase wala rin naman akong matutunan. Nagegets niyo? Parang...
I: Oo..
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P: So may mga... Wineweigh ko siya… Kapag kailangan ba siyang hindi gawin kapag hindi
mo… Naiintindihan yung value o kahit na hindi mo naiintidihan yung value kailangan mong
gawin? Parang ganon. So yung mga ganon. Weh! Kroo kroo yung mata mo eh ohh!
I: Wait lang… May tanong ako. Ano naman yung mga nandun sa other side?
P: Yung mga discipline…
I: Na dapat mong gawin kahit di mo feel?
P: Oh tithing. Yan. Tithing part yan kasi hayy nako. Laging hindi ko feel.
I: (laughs)
P: Pero kailangan ko. Pero kailangan ko talaga siyang gawin. Kailangan ko siya gawin. Kumbaga
kahit na hindi ko naintindihan yung value, kahit na isipin ko na pera ko to eh ahh.. Minsan
dinadaya ko, kasi diba sabi every 10% diba. Minsan dinadaya ko pa. Mga ganyan.
I: Ako di pa ako nagtitithing eh, kasi uhm yung parents ko nagtitithing…

P: (laughs)
I: So yung money na binibigay... Kasi wala akong work, I don't have money that I receive from
my own. Tas ang sabi sakin ng Dad ko, you start tithing when you get your job and you.. And
God blesses you with money that's your own, kasi yung baon mo natithan ko na yan. Kasi yan
yung income natin as a family. Yung 10% niyan I already gave to God, I gave back to God, so
basically natithe na yan. It's your choice kung gusto mo mag tithe pero...
P: Sakin… Ginawa mo kasing choice yung pagtatithe, it's not about kasi the gesture eh, it's about
the heart. So, every time I do tithing... It's really about the desire.
I: Paano yun pag wala kang heart?
P: It's really ano yun nga you're disciplining yourself... To give. Because if you're not faithful
with small things, kapag binigyan ka ni Lord ng malaking pera, mahihirapan ka.
I: What if…
P: Kasi yung discipline…
I: Katulad ng sabi mo diba yung Bible reading, uhmm, naging hindi mo na siya kailangan i-
discipline…
P: Kasi I have that... I have the discipline.
I: Paano if you already have the discipline of tithing, tapos you don't feel like tithing?
P: Why?
I: Diba? Eh hindi kase sabi mo di mo na kailangan eh. Diba? So yung tithing in a sense parang
sinasabi mo…
P: Wait lang… Context ko sa Bible reading kapag antok ka na. In a sense of parang tingin mo
may maiintidihan ka pa... Pero sa tithing kasi wala kang lusot diyan eh..
I: Wala kang lusot..

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P: Oo, wala kang lusot.
I: So ang sinasabi mo yung discipline wala kang lusot. I mean you really have to do it.
P: Depende din sa discipline.
I: Like for example praying
P: Praying! Sa praying…
I: Saan siya nagfafall?

P: For me doon ako sa… Doon ako... Parang ano yan... Parang tithing sakin ang praying. Wala
kang lusot. Kasi for example inaantok na ako. Grabe, kaya ko ngang makipag text ng kahit antok
na antok na ako. Mag vibrate lang yan tititigan ko lang yan tapos magrereply ako… Kaya ko nga
yun eh, eh kung kaya ko pala lalo na kung nakaganyan lang ako makikipag usap ako kay Lord...
Diba, parang… Hello! Ayaw mo lang talaga makipagusap (laughs). Ayaw mo lang talaga
makipag usap kaya ang dami mong rason. Pero walang lusot ang prayer. Sakin ah? Like tithing.
Pero yung bible reading kase kailangan kasi buhay to. Diba buhay to, buhay yung katawan mo.
Para makapag... Maintindihan mo. Ganun eh. Gets ba?
I: How about other spiritual ano nourishments..
P: Fasting…
I: Disipline din sayo yon?
P: Discipline ang fasting. It's a part of spiritual discipline. Kase…
I: How often do you fast?
P: Ayun nga eh... (laughs)
I: (laughs)
P: So eto yung bagay na kailangan ko talagang pilitin. Pilitin kase hindi ko pa siya discipline.
I: Ahhh.
P: Parang alam mo yon… Parang minsan dinadaya ko pa. At sabi ko kay Lord one meal fast
biglang chumichicha chicha ako... (Laughs) Yung mga ganon. Parang ano ba yan… Grabe.
I: Pero hindi ka nagfafast like, gadget fast, mga ganon.
P: Eh isa pang pandadaya ko yan eh.

I: (laughs)
P: (laughs) Ginagawa kong kadayaan yung gadget eh, pero... Pero kaya ko naman talagang
walang gadget, yung ang point non, maghahanap ako ng hindi ko kaya. Ayon ang... Yun ang
thought ng fasting. Kaya kong hindi mag facebook! Talaga. So bakit facebook yung ifafast ko?
Ahhh, yung mga ganyan. Yung mga tipong di ko kaya. Kunwari magsalita. Ayan! (Laughs) Ayan
di ko talaga kayang…
I: (laughs) Ang hirap naman yan…
P: That's it. Diba? Magbabasa lang ako bible. Magpepray lang ako.
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I: May ganon? May ganon talaga?
P: I did. I did it.
I: (laughs)
P: Naiintindihan na nila yon... O kaya isusulat ko, gets na nila… Feel ko more on physically like,
ah, yung cravings ng katawan mo... Parang iaano mo siya... Kunwari yung talking... Kasi I love to
talk. Halata ba? (Laughs) I love to talk so parang, ‘Lord, I will sacrifice. Just for the sake na
magfocus ako sayo, magbasa lang ako ng Bible.’ Ganon… Try niyo. Saya non. Media fast. Diyos
ko! Ilang beses akong nagtangka. Paglabas ko ng bahay may TV. Ay nakatingin na ako ng TV!!
I: (laughs) So hindi mo kaya?
P: Ang hirap eh. Paglabas ko may mga… May mga big screen tapos may mga alam mo yon…
I: Ako hindi ko siya pwede i-fast kase di naman talaga ako nanunuod ng TV.
P: Oo, yung mga ganyan pa ayan.. Radio, may maririnig ka sa labas na mga ano…
I: Were there any compromises in your commitment with the faith?
P: Yes. Yun na yung tanong ah?

I: Sa faith… What are those?
P: Flirting...
I: give us everything... na cinocompromise mo sa faith mo.

P: Flirting... Ano pa ba? Uhmm… Yung ano, self-entitlement yan. Di nagpapatalo… Kaya
mahilig ako sa debate eh. Sa school nako pag may mga debate forum... I can prove you wrong!
(Laughs) Ano pa ba... Yun lang. Yung mga pride, pag snatch out ng glory ni Lord... Kapag
kumakanta ako sobrang... Glory to me. (Laughs) Parang ganon.
I: Pero compromises din your ano ah in your life as a Christian.. Time with the God ganyan...
P: Yah yah of course... Minsan nakakaligtaan ko magbasa ng Bible. Tapos ahh... Prayer lahat
halos lahat, fasting, tithing... (Laughs) Nacocompromise ko lahat.
I: (laughs) Okay.
P: Bakit ba? Siguro dahil busy ako mga ganon… Sobrang pagod sa school…
I: How about to the church?

P: Yes.
I: Ano yung mga yon?
P: Like ah.. Sa discipleship journey kasi ng church, before ka mag Victory Week... Yung retreat
nila... You need to first finish the One to One, yung tool ng One to One. I always… Fail that...
Ayy not always, like for example, this... Last Saturday, nag conduct kami ng Victory Weekend,
yung retreat. Saturday and Sunday yon. And then Friday kinausap ako nung Pastor... Sabi niya,
‘Anong chapter na si ano? Tapos na ba mag one to one si etong bata?’... Edi dun palang
kinabahan ako sabi ko, ‘Patay alam na...’ Kasi nagtanong eh... Kasi normally kapag niregister mo
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yan... Dapat tapos na yan. Parang ganon. So since niregister ko siya, tapos yon, pero… Pero hindi
pala. I mean ako hindi ko siya tapos...Hindi pa kami tapos niregister ko na siya. Parang ganon. So
nung sabi niya... Sabi niya, ‘You know what, bro, you lied to the church. You lied to admin.’
Sobrang na convict talaga ako non. And hindi siya natuloy. So sinabi ko don sa bata, ‘Sorry,
bro.’ Parang kasalanan ko pa. Ayun talaga nag... Nag repent talaga… Umiiyak talaga ako non..
Nung Friday. Eto lang Friday. Sabi ko, ‘Bro, I sinned agaist God, I sinned against the church, I
sinned against you. Parang pinush pa kitang mag lie. Chineck mo: Yes, I'm done with One to
One. So parang, Bro, I'm sorry’ ganyan. Umiyak din yung bata. So talagang it's a lesson... Lesson
talaga sakin yon. Yung mga compromises ko yung mga... More on.. More on rules talaga ng
church. Kasi nga ako parang it's... Hindi ako legalistic eh. Para huh? Bakit kailangan yung One to
One na tool yung mag ano... Eh kung baka ma meet... Ma encounter niya si Lord sa Victory
Weekend, ba't eto pang tool na to yung magiging hinder or hindrance para… Hindi ko rin alam.
I: Diba ang Victory Weekend is the Baptism?

P: Oo. Yah. Diba... Diba dapat hindi? Ba't yung tool? ‘Laban sa tool!’ Parang ganyan pa ako eh.
May mga... Kaya lang kase yun nga again, the authority. God... Si God binigay yung authority sa
church, you need to submit. Yun yung pagkakamali ko. I lied. So I repent. Sabi ko, ‘You need to
tell that to your Mom… na I lied.’ Sabi ko, ‘Whatever the, kung ano maging consequence non,
tatanggapin ko.’ Even the church... Sabi ko nga kung ayaw nila… Tatanggalin nila ako sa
leadership... Kasi I lied eh. Kasi na small lang yun, sabi ko nga sa inyo yung value ko ng sin na..
Ay mabigat eh. Kasi sin is sin. Yan tayo… Nasagot ko ba?
I: Yes. How do you describe your relationship with family, friends, and workmates... Wala ka
namang workmates ngayon eh... Schoolmate.
P: Improving. Hehehe.
I: (laughs)
P: Improving…
I: Bakit dati ano ba yon?

P: I don't want to improve eh... Dati... Parang gusto ko tanggapin niyo ako kung ano ako. That's
it… Kung anong meron tayo yun yon. Pero ngayon I strive to... I strive to improve talaga. May
maiimprove pa to. Lalalim pa to. Malayo pa pagdadaanan natin. Parang ganon. Looking forward
to that. Both (family and friends). Ayy sa mga classmates ko naman, more on purpose ko talaga is
to evangelize them, to disciple them. Yun talaga…
I: How about churchmates? Most of your friends naman churchmates. Right?
P: Yes sa churchmate naman, nagbabawas ako ng kaibigan.

I: Why?
P: Kung alam niyo lang... Paglabas ko ng church, bago ako makarating sa exit ng mall mga siguro
one and a half hour... ‘Uyy kamusta?!’ Onting lakad ‘Uyy kamusta?!’ Ganon. So parang gusto ko
na ma-filter kase nga parang nakakapagod pala yon.
I: (laughs)
P: So parang ako dati..
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I: Pwede naman friends pa din pero may time na next time na kayong mag catch up. Alam mo
yun? Makasalubong mo, ‘Hi! Bye.’
P: Pero kasi parang pag marami kang friend, pressured ka na pansinin. Ayoko na ng ganun.
Parang gusto ko yung parang… Basta gusto ko na yung parang may circle of friends talaga ako
na again vulnerable ako.
I: Ahhh
P: Go to quality relationships! More... More than casual. Kung casual, okay… May mga casual
talaga pero more on yung.. Ayoko yung masyadong marami.
I: So gusto mo mag focus doon sa quality relationships?
P: Yahh. Di na.. Kaya ngayon si ako napepressure na pansinin lahat. Secured ako na I have this
circle of friends. Na kahit ang pangit ng tingin mo sakin okay lang. Wala naman talaga.. Hindi ko
naman talaga kayo mapiplease eh. Parang ganon. Ayan mga ganyan. Okay lang yon. Hindi
masama yung ganon.
I: On a scale of one to ten, one being the lowest and 10 being the highest, how seriously do you
take the principles and teachings of you faith?
P: How ano?
I: Seriously…
P: 10…
I: How relevant is your faith to your everyday life?
P: Very relevant. Uhmm...

I: In what way?
P: I live by faith
I: And not by sight?
P: Yah.. And not by sight. That's why... I need to be accepted more on on my faith than on the
things that I see. So traffic? Okay yung fruits ko.. Parang ganon. Every.. Hindi ko sinabing
perfect ako, nalalaglagan din ako ng prutas, pero ganun ko siya tinatake. Parang kunwari traffic,
more than dito sa.. More than naman maapektuhan ako ng nakikita ko, titignan ko yung faith...
Yung parang pinanggagalingan ng faith ko. Kase yun yon. Yun yon eh. I live by faith and not by
sight. That's how I apply that principle.
I: Eh before?
P: before hindi. I live by sight. (Laughs)
I: (laughs)
P: Most of the time. Kunwari ginawa mo sakin to, eh yun din ang gagawin ko sayo. Di ko
tatanungin kung ‘Lord ano bang dapat dito,’ walang ganun ganun. Mata sa mata, ngipin sa ngipin
tayo. Traffic? Nako talaga.
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I: So since you became a Christian, you see... Iba na yung perspective mo no? Parang you're
seeing through a different lense?
P: Oo!
I: Or eyes actually… Seen through different eyes na hindi mo na siya nakikita as… Lahat may
meaning na eto yung will ni Lord ganyan ganyan..
P: lahat may meaning?
I: Di naman lahat like technically lahat. Bakit ganon kulay neto… (Laughs)
P: (laughs) Ay di naman.. Mga situations lahat may meaning. Basta situations lahat may meaning.
Kunwari naghintay tayong dalawa sa kanila, sakin divine appointment yun. Nakapagusap tayo ng
tayong dalawa lang.
I: Pag na cancel plans mo.. Usually diba mababadtrip ka?
P: Oo, pero again it's always a character building. Para akong nagpipreach no? Kulang na lang
mag amen kayo.
I: Sige lagay na din natin sa scale of 1 to ten, 10 din?
P: Yung ano?
I: Faith... To your everyday life.
P: Oo.. Ahhh! Sige babaan ko baka parang naglilie naman ako.
I: (laughs)
P: Di naman kasi lagi eh.. Mga 8. Kunwari pag bagong gising, mga unguarded moments. Mostly.
Parang minsan hindi ko na mapractice yung faith ko sa mga unguarded moments. For example
pag sobrang pagod ako, gutom ako. Mga ganon. Bagong gising. Walang tulog. (Laughs) Ayan
yon sobrang ano. Sa babae, pag meron. Diba may mga ganon mga unguarded moments niyo yun
eh. So kaya siguro improve... Kailangan ko ng improvement.. Siguro mga 8. Yan.
I: Next, how relevant is your faith when you face struggles in life?
P: How relevant yung faith ko sa struggles... When i face my problems… Syempre sobrang
relevant lalo nyan dyan sa.. Sa problema kasi... It is a testing of faith eh. Every time that you are
undergoing through parang painful.. Painful process ganyan.. Uhmm the the the the sanc the
sanctification part after ng salvation diba.. You have this salvation tapos may sanctification ewan
ko kung pinagaralan niyo to ah? What's next.. Glorification. Dito may ah.. Naalala ko yung sabi
ng prof, ganito yung sanctification process. Yung high points and low points ng life mo ganyan.
So ibig sabihin if this, kung eto yung high eto yung low, for example sobrang.. Nung nakilala mo
si Lord eto ka no.. Bumagsak ka. Pag umangat ka, bumalik ka kay Lord, mas mataas yung iaangat
mo sa inangat mo nung una. So yung faith mo mas ano. Pero pag bumagsak ka mas babagsak ka
kase sa una mong kinabagsakan. That's.. Mararamdaman mo yun. Ganun. Patindi siya ng patindi.
Extreme. Hanggang sa ang tanong saan ka pagdating sa dulo? Nasa taas ka or nasa baba? That's
the question eh. Ano yung resolution mo? Babalik ka ba o hindi? Kase parang yun yon eh. So
ngayon sakin yung faith.. Sa sa circumstance na meron ako, sa mga problema, sobrang relevant
kasi ano yun eh.. Hindi ko pwede sabihin na sa kinabagsakan ko walang faith dyan.. Meron dyan.
Actually I remember the.. Remember when Peter walked on water.. The moment that peter.. Eto
yung everytime sa faith ah.. The way i identify my faith.. Si peter talaga laging nakikita ko dyan.
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Kase I doubt God, tapos I deny Jesus. May mga ganon ako eh. Kumbaga ako si Peter. Parang siya
yung sinasalamin kong ako. Nung naglakad siya sa tubig, that's faith. Pero nung lumubog siya,
that's faith. Saan yung faith mung lumubog siya? Nung tinawag niya si Jesus... So diba kailangan
may high at low talaga. Kailangan yun eh. Hindi ka lagi nakatungtong sa tubig at naeenjoy yung
pagtungtong sa tubig at namamangha ka sa miracles ni Lord. Pag bumagsak ka yung tipong
feeling mo kasalanan mo rin. I mean kasalanan mo siguro dahil nag doubt siya.. Kaya siya
bumagsak.. Pero doon pa rin eh.. Again may faith pa rin doon na inistir si Lord. Yung faith na
trust. Talaga na Lord.. Faith who calls God. Parang ganun eh.. That calls God. parang Lord.. Yun
yung mas gusto ni Lord na faith, yung tumatawag sa kanya. Kaya mostly dito nakadepende kung
gaano kataas yung angat mo. Kasi yun nga, kung di naman ganun ka tindi yung binagsakan mo,
hindi naman ganun katindi yung iaangat mo. So.. Kaya mapapansin niyo balanse yan. Ganun ka
tindi.. Ganun ka tindi.. Palaki ng palaki. Pa extreme ng pa extreme. Na experience ko siya sa
buhay ko. That's my point. Yung mga high points and low points sa buhay ko. Seryoso ako pag
kunwari onting problema lang ngayon tapos parang nawawala ako kay Lord, parang feeling ko
ang tindi.. Parang feeling ko mawawala ako forever. Yung ganun. Seriously parang hindi siya
pang bata yung problema. Patanda ng patanda. Pahirap ng pahirap. Ganun.
I: Pero before?
P: Ah! What before?
I: De kasi nabigay mo na yung now.. Pero before? How relevant was your faith when you face
problems?
P: Ahhh. Di ko nakikita... Dati kasi pag may problema ako don ko lang talaga naappreciate si
God most of the time.
I: So siya yung 911 mo?

P: Pero di yung time na nag start ako mag struggle ah? Nag start akong bumagsak. Mga medyo
matagal pa. For example nag fall na ako, so magrerebel ako. Rebel, rebel, rebel, rebel. Hanggang
sa biglang may blessing ganyan parang mararamdaman mo bigla love ni Lord. Sobrang tindi
parang.. Yon.. Pero pag okay ako medyo mas less yung appreciation tska less yung feeling. So
dito sa pagbagsak ko mas nakikita ko yung faith ko, mas nakikita ko siya. Pag okay kasi ako
medyo, luh kamusta na kaya ako. Matibay ba ako o no ako. Ganon. Medyo nagaalangan ako sa
sarili ko. Pero pag doon nakikita ko talaga. Ah eto ako. Eto yung status ko. Grabe. Ngayon ko
lang naencounter yung mga tanong na yan..
I: What is backsliding to you?

P: Siguro partly... A person who backslide... Backslid… Ano siya… Ahh... May guilt?
Kumbaga... Wait lang... Defenition pala ng backsliding... Rebelling intentionally.
I: Rebelling intentionally..
P: You decide… I mean.. Aware ka.. Alam mo.. Though for me there's mababaw at mabigat na
backsliding. I mean i'm not talking about apostasy ah? Wala to tatanggalin ko sa utak ko yan.
Dito lang.
I: Ano ang mababaw at mabigat?
P: mababawa yung for example.. Mababaw kapag bago yung tao tapos biglang nawala. That's
mababaw. Kunwari tumanggap kay Lord tas nawala after a week bumalik di kinaya that's
mababaw. Pero yung isang backsliding.. Kunwari leader na ganon. Mabigat yon. Naka depende
yan sa walk kay Lord.
52
I: do you consider yourself as mababaw or yung mabigat?
P: i experience both. Syempre nung una nung nawala wala ako kay Lord nung bata bata pa ako.
Highschool pa ako non. That's mababaw. Kasi hindi naman talaga ako ganon ka genuine kay
Lord at that time eh. Pero I consider myself backslider at that time. Parang, Lord hindi..
I: hindi ako ummatend?
P: ay di naman.. Yung nagmumura ako sa school.. Yan.. Babaw diba? Di ko alam symptoms lang
pala yun. Ayan. So I consider myself malalim, kasi, ayun nga again, nagtuturo ka na.. Diba sabi
nga teachers are more strictly judged. So probably pag teacher ka, iba ang judgment sayo. So
kapag nagkamali ka bg galawan, at intentional mong ginawa yon, mas malupet pa yun diba. Mas
malupit yon. That's ah.. Medyo malalim na backsliding na yun. Pero pag nagkamali ka ng big
time pero hindi mo naman sinadya or parang sinful nature lang talaga at gusto mo mag repent,
hindi ka pa nagbabackslide non. Kasi nga nagrepent ka eh, pero dito yung parang intentional mo
talagang ginawa. Tas ang bigat. Tas teacher ka pa. Parang... Ahh. GG. Mabigat na backsliding
yon. Okay..
I: do you consider yourself a backslider?
P: yes
I: why or why not?
P: eto na ba, kekwento ko na ba?
I: wait lang ah tignan ko kung may question pa... De sge.. Why lang muna..
P: yes because again based on my definition, I intentionally withdraw myself.
I: okay. So when did you start backsliding noon?
P: ahh magfofocus ako sa isang event.. Isang evemt lang ah? Marami ako kasing.. Pero eto yung
major.
I: yung pinaka mabigat na backsliding..
P: anong tanong?
I: when?
P: ahh.. Do you need to know the exact date?

I: no. Not really.
P: okay.. When i was... 4th year highschool sembreak. Ayy 4th year college sembreak to second
sem. November.
I: okay.. Yun na yun no? Okay sige. Kwento mo na lang.
P: what happened?
I: yes, what happened.. Why did you backslide?
P: So naka kotse kami nagpababa ako sa Cubao, and in short naglayas ako. So eto yung tinatawag
ko na hell month ng buhay ko. Kasi lahat ng sin ginawa ko. So ahh. Pumunta ako sa friend ko,
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ang bahay niya sa Cavite. So doon ako tumira, I cut everything. Lahat ng communication. So I
cut.. Isipin niyo ah? Papasok na to ng second sem.. Mag oopen na yung semester. So cut. Cinut
ko yung relationship ko.. I mean cinut ko lahat.. Facebook, nag deactivate ako, tas nagsend ako
ng video. Actually nakasave pa yung video sa messenger ko. Nasa yahoo messenger.. Nag sorry
ako na wala na talaga akong plano bumalik. And during those time na nakatira ako sa friend ko,
lahat ng sin nagawa namin… Ahh... Nag babar kami everyday. Inuman. Yosi. Mga di ko
ginagawa. First time kong gawin. Yosi tapos uhmm. I remember bar ako no tas lasing na, lahat ng
makasalubong ko hinahalikan ko. Ganon. Sobrang wasted. Tapos.. Hindi ako nag drugs. Hindi
ako nag drugs… Yung mom niya Christian, sinesermonan pa ako non. I mean motherly love
talaga like hindi ako naiirita. Umiiyak pa nga ako eh. ‘Alam mo mahal na mahal ka ng nanay mo
kahit na ganyan yung nangyari sayo…’ Hindi ko matake na sira na. Kaya ko siya ginawa. Kaya
ayoko na. Parang for me relationship.. Parang wala na to.. Relationship.. Hindi siya nageexist
talaga at all. Parang walang totoong relationship, kase nasira eh. Parang ayun yung nasa isip ko
non. Nasaktan ko yung mga mahal ko sa buhay.. Sobrang yun yung naramdaman ko. And at the
same time galit ako sa sarili ko, galit din ako sa Diyos. Kasi parang... Hindi naman sobrang galit
kay God pero parang.. Sabi ko ko Lord ba't mo naman kasi ako binigyan ng gantong klaseng
problema. Parang... Ang dami... Ang dami ng time na nangusap si Lord na baka malaman at alam
kong walang sikretong hindi nabubunyag. Yung ganon. Parang… Alam ko na malalaman. Pero
nagtuloy pa din ako. Ang tigas nga ng ulo ko eh. Parang.. At ang dami kong altar call na ginawa.
Na parang Lord nirerepent ko to sayo. Isipin mo yun parang yung extreme side na sinurrender ko
siya kay Lord ng paulit ulit pero di ko siya nagawa because I love doing it. Parang I.. I cannot
help but to really do it talaga. Because of the sinful nature. And nasa isip ko nun, hala baka hindi
ako part ng chosen people. Parang ganon. Parang siguro kaya siguro ako ganto kasi parang di
naman talaga ako part ng salvation. Di naman talaga ako pinili. Yan. May mga ganyan akong
questions na parang ahhh. Wala to. Wala palang kwenta lahat ng pinagagagawa ko. Parang pinilit
ko lang pala yung sarili ko.. Yung Tita ko pala pinilit.. So parang lahat ng nagyari sakin nung past
non sense. Walang kwenta lahat sakin yon. Parang lahat crap. So parang ano pang sense ng buhay
ko. So nagpakasarap ako. During that hell month nagpakasasa talaga ako. Everyday lasing. Ahh.
To the extent na gumising ako ng na sa ibang bahay ako na hindi ko kilala yung kasama ko.
Seriously. Ganun siya. Ganun ako kababoy non.. Na.. Nagchuchurch ako non tandaan niyo yon.
I: umaattend ka pa din?
P: umaattend ako ng sunday... I don't know why. Pero dahil sa routine ko na.. Religious diba.
Parang.. Umaattend ako kahit ibang church basta church... Ahhh... Basta paulit ulit lang yon.
Hanggang sa naramdaman ko na.. Naging aware ako na hindi ko na siya kayang pigilan. Parang
bangin na tuloy tuloy ka lang pababa. Naramdaman ko siya. Parang naging aware ako na para
siyang bangin. That's.. That was na.. Parang kumapit ako sa isang bato.
I: wait lang.. Saan ka na umaattend ng church neto?
P: ahh. JIL. Basta paiba iba eh.

I: ah pero yung regular na inaattendan mo..
P: hindi. Hindi yon. Cavite ako neto.. Na sa Cavite ako neto... Tas yung naging aware na ako na
parang hala... Impyerno na ako. Parang ganon. Napakapit ako. Parang Wait lang.. So.. Eto yung
Sunday ko na.. Gusto kong ma encounter si God.. Lord kausapin mo ako. Kase grabe everyday
ako umiiyak during that time.. Every time ako umiiyak na hindi ko kinakausap si Lord. Kine
question ko lang yung buhay ko. Kinequestion ko sarili ko. Tas yung alam mo yun. Nilabas ko
sa.. Nilabas ko yung.. Nilabas ko siya sa sex, yung mga questions ko. Nilabas ko siya sa pleasure.
Parang... And then... Etong Sunday na to.. Etong kakaibang Sunday na to parang gusto kong..
First time kong gusto kong kausapin si Lord... Umattend ako doon sa church ko.. Tabernacle of
Faith sa Cubao. Sa gateway lang kasi yun eh. And eto yung time na I don't feel like raising my
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hands. Pero sige Lord.. I'll raise my hand. Para akong hypocrite. Para akong bago. Parang yung
pagtaas ko pa ng kamay parang feeling ko kakaiba. Parang di siya.. Parang normal kasi diba..
Pero parang eto, parang first time ko siya gagawin.. And while raising my hands, sa peripheral ko
may tumatakbo sa side ko. That was my Mom... And she's crying.. Sobrang na.. Grabe.. Sabi niya
anak tanggap ka namin. Parang kung ano man yun.. Tapos parang ganon.. Sorry talaga ako..
Sobrang ano.. Sobrang naano.. Ayun yung time na naencounter ko talaga yung love ni Lord.. Kasi
yung acceptance.. Yung ganon. Tska para akong nabunutan ng tinik. Kase parang.. Since na alam
na nila yung struggle ko.. Ahh. Parang.. Alam niyo yun.. Ahh. Tanggap. Wala ng ano.. Wala na
akong tinatago sa kanila. Napaka sarap pala ng feeling na yon. Walang tinatago. Bunyag ka sa
lahat.. And then.. Di naging madali pa after non. Di pa ako bumalik kay Lord non. Sabi ko nga sa
inyo parang.. Kasi inaaccess ko pa yung nangyari sa buhay ko. Parang di ko pa rin tanggap na sira
na talaga… Yun nga sa psychiatrist ko lang na realize na.. Well before nung psychiatric session,
parang sabi ko Lord, papaano ko mag.. Parang paano ako babalik sa dati? Parang ganon. And
then that was the time na dineal sakin ni Lord yung repentance talaga. Eto yung part na.. Kasi
nahuli ako eh. So ang repentance kasi, kung nagsosorry ka talaga.. Hindi ka dapat nahuli. Kung
gusto mo talaga magbago dapat nung umpisa pa lang nagconfess ka na. So yung real repentance
talaga yung.. Yon. Magoopen ka... So ang ginawa ko inopen ko siya sa school. Inopen ko siya sa
school. Kahit na alam ko na probably maapektuhan yung school. So inopen ko siya sa school...
Inopen ko siya sa school. And then the school.. Parang sabi nila sakin, di ka qualified to.. Mag
second sem... Sakit non. Sabi ko grabe. Pero sabi nung dean sakin, you know what i appreciate
you. Kasi kung nalaman namin yan sa iba.. Expelled ka. Pero dahil nagopen ka, much grace sayo.
Kasi yun yon eh. Parang it's ah.. Humility yun eh na nagopen ka sa kanila. Pwede ko naman
talagang hindi iopen para magtuloy tuloy ako at makagraduate ako.. So ayon. Ahh... So yon..
Ahh. Ginawa nila, since na hindi ka magsesecond sem, magkakaroon ka.. Magcoconduct kami ng
psychiatric session sayo for free. So free yon. That time, healing time sakin yon. Tapos after non..
Ahh. Ang painful. Sobrang binuksan. Binulatlat ni Lord lahat. Family issue namin. Lahat! Bakit
ako ganito.. Parang ganon.. May connection sa dad ko sa nanay ko. Kasi yung issue ng about
homosexuality parang naopen lahat yon. Saan nanggaling, bakit ko nagawa. Spiritual
transference. Mga ganyan ganyan. Naintindihan ko lahat... Kaya ko kanina sinabi na graduate
ako, ayoko kasi ma spoil. So sasabihin ko sa inyo, di ako graduate ng Theo. So di ko siya
natapos.. Di ako nakapag second sem. Isipin niyo yun. So consequence. So partly you need to be
responsible of the consequences of your actions. So part of repentance.. So tinanggap ko…
I: question lang. Bat di mo naisipang ituloy. Second sem na lang naman.

P: dahil uhmm... Hindi ko natapos yung psychiatric session. So kasi ang requirement ng school
kailangan makita muna yung improvement. Eh ako again, hindi ako legalistic. So ang gusto nila
mangyari habang walang improvement, wala ring ministry, eh nung pumunta ako sa victory nung
inopen ko to, victory allowed me to minister. Kasi iba yung context nila ng ministry. Hindi
dapat.. Hindi porket nagsusuffer ka ng ganyan wala kang ministry or nag sin ka. Hindi ganun ang
context nila ng ano. So parang nahurt yung school na nag ministry pa din ako kahit na hindi nila
inallow. Eh ako hindi ako legalistic. Sabi ng church, edi.. Bat naman ganyan yung school mo
napaka legalistic naman. Nagrepent ka naman okay ka naman, so anong gusto nila mangyari?
Laughs maging perfect ka, mawala yung struggle, eh di naman mawawala yun eh. Medyo
legalistic ang school so.. Sa akin, okay na yan, nagbenefit na naman ako doon sa mga nalaman ko
eh. I don't have to..
I: during the time na nag backslide ka.. How was your relationship with your family..
P: cut..
I: friends, even sa strangers.

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P: laughs paano ba.. Basta yung pagtingin ko sa relasyon walang kwenta. So family, nagawa ko
nga silang iwan eh. Natiis ko na icut lahat. I lived a life as if wala akong parents.
I: how about your friend? Yung friend na kasama mo that time?
P: christians wala.
I: no as in yung friend na kasama mo that time.

P: ginagamit ko lang siya.
I: so wala din kwenta sayo yung..
P: oo, wala siyang kwenta sakin. Ginamit ko lang siya.
I: i see. pati yung strangers?
P: yes
I: okay so..
P: and I want to hurt God as well.

I: you wanted to hurt God?
P: yah i wanted to hurt God. I believe i'm hurting god during that time. Kaya parang..
I: you knew and you did it on purpose?
P: yahh. Kaya nga yung sabi ko sa inyo yung backsliding is intentional rebelling eh. Ganun siya.
Kasi yun yung naramdaman ko nun.
I: okay.
P: hindi ko sinabi yung definition na finifit ko sa istorya ko. No. Nasabi ko yung definition kasi
eto yung storya ko. Eto yung naramdaman ko talaga. So yung definition ko based on my
experience.
I: what were the changes that you experience when you backslide? During ah.
P: no 1 naging callous yung heart ko, kumbaga may mga sin ako na.. I mean kasi yung standard
ko before diba parang mataas. Kunwari pag sinabi kong..
I: madali kang ma burden?

P: kunwari tanga ay huhuhu doon magmura na ako wala pa rin akong nararamdaman. Nung mga
una meron, pero hindi eh. Natakpan kasi siya ng galit at poot eh. Guilt. So parang hindi ko
nararamdaman dati yung standard. Yung conscience ko nawala. So yun yung mga changes.
Parang.. Gusto ko talaga tong gawin.
I: wala kang pakialam?
P: wala akong pakialam. Tska parang buhos kung buhos. Sin kung sin. Walang holy holy ngayon.
Wala akong kahit isang percent ng holiness na gagawin. Di ako magbabasa ng Bible. Wala talaga.
I'm not talking to God.
I: pero in the back of your head alam mong ginagawa mo to para saktan siya.
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P: oo yah. That's not holiness. Laughs
I: pero ibig sabihin..
P: basta walang bahid ng holiness.
I: next.. Returning of faith naman, osige eto naman. Give us an example of recent na backslide. I
mean yung na sa victory ka na.
P: eto yung sa bestfriend ko.
I: yun yung pinaka mabigat din?
P: ah wait lang... Every time kasi I fail.. I fail sa leadership i tend to backslide. Kapag may failure
sa leadership. Parang ganon. I tend to withdraw myself sa church. Because of guilt. Not because..
Iba na yung.. iba na to ah.
I: kasi feeling mo you're not worthy.
P: yes.. Yes. And I don't.. I don't deserve anything from God..

I: so umaattend ka pa din ng church pero deep in your heart..
P: no i'm not.. Hindi ako umattend ng church non.

I: ahh nag withdraw ka?
P: nag withdraw ako.
I: how long was that?

P: nagtaka nga yung mga leaders ko eh. Di ko rin masabi eh. Parang shocks. Eto na naman ako
bata na naman. Parang. Lord.. Kailan ba to matatapos? Parang ganon. Grabe. Grabe. Sobrang
down. Sobrang down ko non. Kasi isipin mo after psychiatrical, nagkaroon ng restoration sa
family namin and all of this blessings.. Nagawa ko na naman.
I: when was this?

P: ahh i forgot.
I: 2010 mga ganyan?
P: no no no. Just.. I think this year or last year lang siya. Sabi mo present eh.
I: how long were you withdrawn from church? Na hindi ka umaattend..

P: ahh i forgot. Sorry.
I: pero matagal?
P: siguro mga month din.

I: okay.
P: tapos nung bumalik ako hindi pa din ako nakabalik ng totoo. Parang bumalik ako para
mawalan ng question. Para hindi ako maquestion.
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I: so sa loob loob mo nagbabackslide ka pa rin?
P: oo. Ganon.
I: okay.
P: now..
I: how did your relationship with the people changed during the time na nagbabackslide ka?
P: i withdraw with them.
I: iniwasan mo din sila?
P: kasi parang feeling ko hindi accountability yung makakatulong. Kasi isipin mo. Nagawa ko
nga siya those times na accountable yung mga tao sakin eh. Sa tingin ko hindi accountability
yung solution dito. Ako na talaga. So hindi ko kailangan ng tao. Parang hindi ako gagamit ng tao
para makabalik ako. Kung babalik ako gusto ko yung decision ko. Na okay kami ni Lord. Parang
ganon. Pero dahil nakikita ko na imposible siya mangyari, nung time na yun ah? Alam ko
imposible mangyari, so wala talaga akong kinakausap…
I: Okay so.. Ano naging.. Nabago sayo non? What were you..
P: what happened was inopen ko sa leaders ko na grabe yung struggle ko, though di ko sinabi
yung specific. So sabi ko parusahan niyo ko. Gusto ko ng ano..
I: disciplinary action?
P: yah yah. Umalis ako ng music team. Nagtayo ako ng guard rails. Yon. So yung mga taong to,
eto yung mga taong nagchecheck sakin everyday…
I: may gusto ka pa ba ishare about backsliding? Na baka maging useful for our study.
P: as long as you are aware of yourself, you are safe.

I: ano nga pala iniisip mo during this time na nagbabackslide ka?
P: actually hindi ko siya ma identify. Madefine. Ma describe kung ano yung iniisip ko. Pero na sa
isip ko lang non, more on kailangan maging masaya yung katawan ko. Masyado ako nadeprive
eh. And at the same time..
I: na deprive?
P: guys remember we are in this sinful body alam ng katawan mo na.. Lahat ng gusto ng katawan
mo hurting kay Lord. Automatic yon. So nung time na.. Nagigive in talaga ako sa sin.
Deliberately.
I: what were you thinking?
P: alam mo nasasaktan ko si god.
I: parang naoover power ng gusto mo.. Naooverpower ng nature mo yung gusto ko na iplease si
God, na hindi siya saktan.
P: oo. Yun na yon. Why? Kasi yung purpose ko nawala eh. Yung reason mo to live. Yung
nasaktan yung mga mahal mo. Ganun siya eh. Parang yung sense of life nawala.
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I: eh how about this second time? I mean etong recent.
P: etong 2nd time kasi kakaiba kasi ahh eto na yung nagkaroon na ako ng father image kay god
na yah nagkamali ako pero you're my father and you will always accept me.
I: pero this time were you thinking na.. Was it the same na naoverpower yung desire mo
personally yung na sa situation ka na yon.
P: different to. Why? Kasi umalis ako sa church for the reason of may nasaktan akong..
I: so you sort of thought that you were a failure?
P: oo, yun nga. Failure sa leadership. Ganyan ganyan.
I: so you left?
P: that's why i left. Pero yung takot ko kay Lord, nandun.
I: what were you thinking during the time na wala ka sa church?

P: takot na takot ako kay Lord, nung unang backslide di ako takot kay Lord. Rebellious nga kasi
eh.
I: apart from being takot uhmm was it also like feelings of unworthy na..
P: ah! Number one bumaba talaga tingin ko sa self.. Bumaba self esteem ko.. Tapos yung.. Yung
strength ko, feeling ko, hindi ko siya strength, weakness ko siya. Relationship. Lahat weakness.
So parang lahat talaga negative. Lahat ng tingin ko sa paligid ko, negative. Negative. Yung
ministry ginagamit ko lang. Parang ganun yung mga lies ng enemy sa utak ko.ministry ginagamit
mo lang yan para masabi mong okay ka talaga, pero sa totoo lang di ka talaga okay. Nangyari na
nga sayo yan eh. Mga ganon.
I: ahh. So yun yung mga iniispin mo sa sarili mo?
P: kaya umalis ako ng ministry. Kaya yung self-medication ko non, aayusin ko to ng walang
ministry. Aayusin ko to ng walang tao sa paligid ko.
I: so it's just you and god?
P: yes. Kaya nga naiintindihan ko, it will always affect their decision. Para if ever na.. Para wala
rin maging rason na umalis ka ulit, kasi foundation mo nagiging tama na.
I: okay. Ngayon, dito na tayo sa returning of faith. First question is...
P: may kekwento pa ba ako?
I: ahh sige. Meron pa ba?
P: sige pag may naalala na lang ako.

I: why did you return to the faith?
P: grabe ang init ah! Why?
I: what were you thinking? Ano yung nag push sayo na bumalik?
P: saang backslide yan?
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I: uhmm sige.. Pareho. Yung una muna.
P: iba kasi talaga sila eh. Doon sa una, acceptance kasi. Nauna muna yung acceptance. Nauna
muna yung grace. Overflow. Na realize ko na grabe I'm still loved. But dito sa second time, it's
my decision to go back, regardless of.. Parang doon ako sa wanting God. I want you God.
Paglalaban kita kesa sa sin na to. Kesa sa nararamdaman ko.
I: so it was your choice?
P: yah.
I: pero what motivated you to go back?

P: what motivated me? Laughs impyerno
I: laughs
P: alam mo yung parang.. Tska yung fear of the Lord.
I: yung love for him?

P: yah yah yah. Yun na talaga yun eh. Parang I.. Hindi ko nakikita yung sarili ko na forever
akong lost.
I: so walang factor sa environment mo na nagsabi.. Na nagpush sayo na babalik ako kay Lord.
P: wala actually bumibigat pa nga eh. Kais parang condemning eh. Tagal mong nawala sa church
ah? Nag backslide ka no? Mga ganong..
I: really ganun ba?

P: ganun naman sa church eh. Kapag hindi ka lang nakapag church ng mga dalawang linggo na
busy lang naman. Kamusta ka? Okay ka lang ba? Ahh okay lang ako.. Ahh pwede bang okay lang
talaga ako. Mukha ba akong di okay? Porket ba dalawang linggo ako nawala hindi na ako okay?
Parang ganon. May mga ganong commotion ng church eh. Diba?
I: samin kahit na alam naming nag backslide, pag hindi niya ioopen, we're not gonna talk about it.
Parang ganon. Kasi merong mga times na nakikita mo din sa twitter, sa facebook, nagpopost ng
inuman, yosi..
P: ayy ako never akong ahh.. Ginamit ko ba ang social media?

I: did you use it as an outlet of expression or expressing your..
P: oo pero more on realization na siya. Parang..
I: parang quotable quotes na?
P: oo. Makikita niyo. Mga sarili kong gawa talaga na hugot. Na pwede mong gamitin.. Kasi
parang mga tipong brokennes should not be my license to sin. Mga ganyan. Every time. Every
time na.. Basta yung mga about brokenness na yan sobrang grabe yan. Dami kong nagawang
quote diyan.
I: okay. Sige. So nung bumalik ka sa faith because you were motivated by the fear of God na
baka sa hell ka mapunta
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P: laughs mga ganon
I: and because you love him as well, tska decision siya na babalik ako
P: oo. Tska na solve na talaga akong babalik ako.
I: so i think you're aware na merong mga nagbabackslide tas hindi bumabalik ng church
P: wait lang ah, narinig ko kasi yung word na aware eh. tandaan niyo, yun nga yon. Parang the
moment that a person is aware of what's happening in him, safe siya. Kapag kaya niyang.,. Pag
kaya niyang aralin yung mga nangyayari sa paligid niya.
I: ahh so if you can tell what you're doing..
P: yes
I: right and wrong
P: yes. Aware ka. Pag aware ka. Safe ka. Makakabalik ka. Kaya everytime na there's a person in
my circle that lalayo siya kay Lord, whatever.. Anong ginagawa ko? Ginagawa ko siyang aware.
Ginagawa ko siyang aware.
I: you ask them if they're aware?

P: no no! I don't ask them if they're aware. I make them see.. I make them aware of what's
happening. Malalaman niyo kung bakit. I don't know. Actually I still don't have the ano eh. Bakit
nga ba? Pero naiintindihan ko na sa ngayon talaga. Na kapag aware ka sa mga nangyayari.. Sabi
nga kasi sa ano.. Awareness is key to change. Mabaho hininga mo. Di ka aware. Naaware ka.
What happens? Toothbrush ka. Ganun.
I: laugh tama
P: ganun siya. Pero eto meron kasing mga nag babackslide tapos magrerecommit kay God, pero
hindi na bumabalik ng church. As in parang alam mo yun. Hindi na nila inaidentify yung sarili
nila with the church bla bla bla. Pero ikaw, why did you return to the church?
I: thankful ako na nung backslide ako victory ang bagsak ko.
I: victory ka na?
P: hindi.. After diba

I: ayy okay so
P: diba yung church tas yung mom ko. Doon ako nag church sa dati kong church. Nang time na
yon before kami mahuli.. Before kami mahuli ng pamangkin ko, ininvite niya ako dyan. So nag
attend ako ng FNY pa non. So hindi ko pa cinoconsider na home church yon. Nagaattend pa ako
sa dati kong church, TFI. So yung time na nakita ko na parang ayoko na munang tignan yung
issue, di na nakakatulong yung TFI sakin, transfer akong victory. Grabe. Ano yung question mo?
I: why did you return to the church?
P: yon. Pinakita sakin ng victory value ng church. So if you will se one to one, nag one to one ako
non, they seek salvation, lordship.. Para akong umuulit non. Fresh from backsliding pa non. So
parang yahh salvation repentance
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I: so doon mo talaga fully naintindihan
P: oo! Kaya yung foundation ko ngayon nga sabi ko sayo ang tibay eh. Kasi nga how they do the
discipleship journey sobrang ano.. Yung church inexplain niya sakin na charcoal. Remember
that? I don't know if you know the charcoal principle. Na kapag nagaalab yan, pagsama sama mo,
pag hiniwalay mo yung isang charcoal manlalamig yan. So iniisip ko eh kailangan. Every time na
sabi ko.. And i'm always telling this principle to my victory group. Sinasabi ko sa kanila na every
time na you feel na parang ayaw mo mag church, that's the best time na mag church ka. If you
feel like not worshiping God, that's the best time to worship God.
I: i have to ask you.. There must be a great difference doon sa culture ng church mo sa church mo
ngayon? How did you deal with that change? I mean.. Sige ano yung differences and how did you
deal with it?
P: doon sa first church, very humanistic kasi sila. Meron silang humanistic view. Na everything
that you do it boils down to me. God loves me so much. Parang ganon. Humanistic. I hurt God. I.
I. I. Pero dito sa victory they emphasize god loves you. God do it for you. Parang yung bida don
si God hindi ikaw.
I: ahh alright. So dun sa dati parang..
P: ako eh.
I: love ako ni lord.

P: ewan ko kung naiintindihan niyo siya ah? Pero..
I: naiba yung perspective?

P: yah, iba eh.
I: it's not about you.. Dati puro I I I.. Ngayon mas nagegets mo na it's not about you.
P: siguro para mas magets niyo pa, yung nakikita kong view ni God sakin. Pero this time nakita
ko view ko kay Lord. Parang ganon. Eto si Lord. Eto si Lord. Eto si Lord.
I: kung ano yung character niya?
P: oo. Yah, that's it.

I: so parang before ang iniisip mo kung paano ka tinitignan ni Lord..
P: oo, yung ganon. Masyadong ako. Puro ako. Parang ganon. Humanistic ang view kasi netong
church na to. Eto sobrang center kay God. Character.
I: so..
P: so, wait lang ah? Kapag nakita mo kasi yung character ni God, everything will fade eh. The
way you see yourself. Every time na nakikita mo yung character ni God, everything will.. Every
thing is just fine. Laughs wala kang pera? Tignan mo yung character ni Lord ah masesecure ka..
That god is the god who provides. Parang ganon.
I: okay, so. What were the factors that influence.. Okay wait lang.. Yung sa return mo don sa
ngayon sa victory. Sa pangalawa, yung recent mo..
P: ano?
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I: why did you return to victory? As in yung recent ah na nawala ka for like a month.
P: actually I consider myself nawala kay Lord not nawala sa church.
I: ohh during that time?
P: oo.
I: kasi you were still.. Nakakausap mo pa din yung mga churchmates mo..
P: oo.
I: okay so parang inabandon mo hindi yung church..
P: oo. Because it's all my fault eh. I have that in my mind na kasalanan ko to eh.
I: nobody else is accountable?
P: oo. Kaya nga sabi ko sayo hindi accountability naging problema. During that time accountable
yung mga tao sakin, walang may mali. So..
I: so doon mo lang na realize na ang problema talaga sayo?

P: oo. Ako talaga. Galing talaga siya sakin. The way I deal it, I deal it with myself. With God.
Alone. Nagpapapray lang ako sa mga tao. Pero umalis ako sa ministry para di ako ma secure sa
ministry. Parang ganon.
I: what were the factors that influence you to return?
P: factors that influence me...

I: gusto mo mag focus doon sa ano sa recent..
P: siguro dahil may mga testimonies akong naririnig na... May nakakabalik naman talaga eh.
I: parang sila nga nakabalik...
P: oo. One thing yung kay Amalayer. Si amalayer nga pala naging bestfriend ko. Victory siya
before.
I: hindi na ba ngayon?
P: dahil sakin. Nag away kami. Basta ibang storya naman to. Pero to hindi ako nag backslide dito
kasi alam kong tama talaga ako, na kay Lord ako non. Siya talaga yung wala. May attitude
problem kasi talaga siya. Pero na deal na naman. Historymakers and then babalik ata daw siya..
Balita balita ko babalik daw siya Victory kasi nagka problema.. Sabi ko character na talaga yan.
I: okay kayo?
P: okay pero alam mo yung resolution na.. Dahil Christian tayo maging okay tayo. Pero yung
relationship.
I: ah hindi pa narerestore yung relationship.
P: oo.
I: but you already forgave each other?

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P: oo! Ako sobrang clear na. Gusto ko na nga ulit siya maging kaibigan ewan ko lang sa kanya.
Mas mahirap maka move on ang babae.
I: laughs pinagiisipan ko
P: ahh wait lang influence.. Testimonies tapos God himself. He's talking to me. He's knocking at
the door of my heart.
I: laughs
P: deh seriously
I: so you come to think of it.. Naisip mo siya ulit na bumalik.. Dahil yung memories mo..
P: tska nangungusap si Lord. And yung auntie ko rin. Sobra. Yun pala. Malaking factor auntie ko.
Ramdam niya kasi pag nawawala ako eh. Iiyak yun sakin. Naalala mo ba to?
I: ah so pinapaalala niya sayo yung dati?
P: oo, yung mga ginawa ni Lord sa buhay ko.

I: yung mga breakthroughs.
P: oo! Yung mga ganyan. sobra. Narealize ko, oo nga naman. Iyakan kami ng auntie ko. Mas
close nga kami kesa sa mama ko.
I: alright. Pero basically okay. Yung dgroup leader mo.. Vgroup leader mo, alam niya yung
naging struggle mo sa identity mo before?
P: oo. Alam niya lahat.

I: kaya mo naisip yung mga influences na yun dahil din niremind sayo ng Aunt mo?
P: oo, malaki yung factor na yun. Kase iba rin talaga kapag ang nagsasalita sayo yung kilalang
kilala ka eh. Kesa ron sa taong di ka naman kilala tas nagaadvice sayo. Parang mas mahirap siya
tanggapin. Pero pag yung taong kilalang kilala kabulukan mo at inadvicesan ka, alam mong
reliable yung advice diba. So sobrang malaking tulong yung sinabi niya sakin na makakabalik ka
may tiwala ako na makakabalik ako. Kasi sinabi niya eh. Eh siya lang naman nakakakilala sakin.
So kapag sinabi niyang babalik ka kilala kita, naniniwala ako sa sinabi niya. Ah babalik ako.
I: pero alam ng tita mo?

P: ano?
I: yung recent? Na struggle
P: hindi, hindi.
I: pero hanggang ngayon nakakausap mo pa siya? yung tita mo?

P: oo, kasama ko lang sa bahay yun diba?
I: ahh oo nga pala.. Doon nga pala siya.
P: pero casual na lang kami kasi busy ako sa school.

I: uhm, what did you feel when you return to the faith?
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P: i feel complete... Na mas kumpleto pa doon sa dati.
I: mas stronger?
P: yes.
I: can you say that you are now firm in your faith? Yes or no?
P: yes.
I: why?
P: pero i do not guarantee myself na hindi ko mawawala ulit. Pero alam kong babalik at babalik
ako.
I: okay. Kasi may tanong din dito sa dulo.. Do you see any possibilities of you backsliding in the
future?
P: i have. 100% possibility pa.

I: pero for you it's a constant na babalik ka?
P: yes. Hindi man maging constant yung backsliding ko, pero constant yung pagbalik ko.
I: were there any struggles when you return? Medyo nahirapan ka bang makitungo sa mga
kasama mo? Or feeling mo jinujudge ka nila or something.
P: kasi di naman nila alam eh.. Tas yung mga accountability partners ko, inaaccept.. parang alam
mo yun, grace talaga. Mas nahirapan ako sa consequences.
I: alright.
P: actually ganito yan. Ang pinaka nahirapan ako lagi sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon..
Yung pagpapatawad sa sarili. Dun ako lagi nahihirapan. Dung part. Yun talaga. Dun talaga yung
sobrang.. I tend to do consequences of my own.
I: kasi you're frustrated with yourself?

P: oo, sobra. Kaya nga.. Kasi.. Lagi kong sinasabi yun every time na nagcocounsel din ako ng tao.
You know what kaya ka nahihirapan magpatawad ng tao kasi, hindi mo pa napapatawad yung
sarili mo. I'm always telling that. Mahalin mo yang sarili mo. Hindi mo kayang mahalin yung..
Kaya nga sabi sa command love your god with all.. Tas love your neighbor as you love god.
Hindi naman ganun eh. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. So ibig sabihin minahal mo
muna yung sarili mo, bago ka nagmahal ng iba.
I: so ibig sabihin you forgive yourself first before you forgive others..
P: yes. Magooverflow yan. Forgiveness sa sarili every time na nagsisin.
I: laughs
P: kunwari nasaktan ka sa pagibig.. Patawarin mo yung sarili mo na hinayaan mo yung sarili mo

na saktan ka ng tao. Yung mga ganon. Kasi choice mo yun eh.
I: oo, you allowed yourself to be vulnerable.

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P: every time na.. I cried.. I cried mostly doon sa thought na kapag kinakausap ko yung sarili ko..
Sorry… if ginamit kita. Di ko inisip yung kapakanan mo. I'm always telling that to myself.
Umiiyak ako. Kasi masyado kong ginamit tong katawan na to. Ginamit ko masyado yung
freedom ko. Na hindi ko naisip na nasasaktan pala ako. Napapagod. May future ako na sinisira
ko. You know what, make it a habit. Sobrang improving. Pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko. May
reservation. Alam mo yun. Healthy.
I: so how did you deal with the struggles?
P: it's like papaano ko finaface yung temptation diba?
I: teka lang. Yung struggle na sinasabi ko is yung consequences.

P: ahh okay. I face it.
I: you face the consequences?

P: i face the necessary consequences. Not the consequences na gusto ko ma experience. Kasi I
tend na parusahan yung sarili ko. So kapag ganon, yung mga gawa ko medyo ginagawa ko, may
mga tao na nagchecheck sakin. Check mo nga kung.. Kasi gusto ko tong parusa eh. Hindi naman
dapat ganun. So yung mga necessary. Yung makakatulong talaga para maimprove ako next time.
So for example yung pag alis sa ministry. Kailangan tanggapin ko talaga yon. Or ah, wag muna
mag lead. Ayun tanggapin ko yun. Tapos yung mga grounds… Ganun ka seryoso. May mga
resolutions kami. Kailangan eh. Kailangan eh. So kung ganon.. Kung seryoso ka talaga, dapat
gumawa ka ng action.
I: pero sobrang helpful yung mga yon? Was it helpful to you?
P: yes, at first.
I: parang najujudge ka din no..

P: oo, actually sabi ko pa sa leader ko.. Nag struggle ako kasi parang sabi ko.. Bakit di na lang
kasi pag may nagtanong edi sabihin ko ganun ako? Anong problema? Testimony naman yun ah!
Sabi kong ganun. Kasi parang ayoko na eh. Pinipilit nila baguhin yung kilos ko ganyan ganyan.
Naiinis ako! May pressure.
I: so they wanted you to act more like a man?
P: oo!
I: na walang feminist?
P: oo. Eh naiinis ako! Hindi ako yun eh! Tska ang binabago naman sakin yung inner eh. Issue pa
ba yon? Parang ginaganon ko. Sabi niya oo issue yan, kasi may naiistumble. So nung
naintindihan ko yon, probably inoonti-onti ko. Pero parang sabi ko sa leader ko kung pipilitin mo
akong.. Kung kay magtatanong sakin ng ganon, sasagutin ko talaga. Tapos tatanungin ko siya
anong problema mo. Laughs
I: laughs
P: kaya mararamdaman niyo minsan pag na sa church ako, intimidating ako. Kasi I want to be
intimidating.
I: so iniiwasan mo kasi na ma-confront?
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P: laughs oo. Tska diba parang nakaka inis kasi minsan feminine kilos.. Tinry ko naman na
medyo sobrang boy, ang dami naman nayabangan sakin. Oh saan ako lulugar?
I: laughs
P: Seriously. Ang daming nayabangan sakin nung time na sobrang ano ako yung tipong, kung
kumilos ako lalaking lalaki. Kasi pinipilit ko siya, hindi naman natural yun. Kaya yung mga tao
parang ano to.. So parang ang hirap ng tension. Sobra yung tension sakin. So ginagawa ko nung
resolution ko, kaibigan ko lang. Diba nung nagbawas ako?
I: yung kayang tanggapin?
P: wala na akong pake kung ano yung..
I: yun yung pinaka nakatulong sayo?

P: oo. Sa victory group ko sabi ko sino ba yung nastustumble dahil babading bading akong
kumilos, pwede kayong lumipat.
I: you really say that?

P: oo, pero di ko sinasabi na ganun ako. Sinasabi ko lang kung sino nastutumble sakin na medyo
malambot ako kumilos, pwede kayo lumipat.
I: may mga lumipat?
P: wala. Kasi alam nila relational ako eh. Kuya ako eh. Kuya ako sa kanila. Tas ang maganda pa
don, ang strategy ko sa discipleship, lahat ng magulo cinoclose ko. So kahit na yung bata ayaw
sakin, kapag yung magulang sabi dyan ka, wala kang magagawa. Magulang nagsabi eh.
I: I just have to ask it again.. Meron ka bang mga struggles emotionally? During the time na
bumabalik ka? Like feelings of kaya ko pa ba to? Talaga bang..
P: yung idea na going back to start.

I: kasi parang pag nag backslide ka, back to zero..
P: pero, pinarealize sakin ni Lord at through dun sa vgroup ko na there's no such thing as back to
zero.. He compared it to the command in computer, yung undo. Diba.. Undo command is, diba
nagkamali ka, ibabalik mo lang sa original. Parang ganon yung go back to zero. Edit mo lang.
Nagkamali ka, undo. Parang ganon. Parang there's no such thing as that go back to zero. Pero
God is always giving us a new start. It's a new. It's not going back. It's a new. Yung concept..
Kasi nga yung forgiveness ni Lord, para siyang stain remover na it's not.. Kunwari nagkastain
yung damit, ang stain remover, ang ginagawa niya, tatanggalin niya yung stain. Pero yung
forgiveness ni God more than stain remover. Tatangalin niya yung dumi, gagawin ka pa niyang
bago ulit yung damit.
I: mas malinis?
P: hindi mas malinis. Bago. Pagmumukhain ka niyang bago ulit. Sk yun yung ginagawa ng
forgiveness ni Lord. So every time na nakakabalik ka, syempre you experience the forgiveness.
Kaya ka nga nakabalik eh. So ibig sabihin, you're new. Ibig sabihin, you don't go back to start,
but to start anew. Gets ba? Walang go back.
I: parang ano level up. Lumelevel up kasi yung struggles.
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P: ayon! Yon.
I: natanong ba namin what you felt during the time na nagbabackslide ka?
P: oo.. Hindi ako masaya.
I: okay so you're consicously eebelling against God, trying to hurt him, you wanted to hurt him,
pero you weren't happy.
P: alam mo kung bakit? Kasi i know..
I: kahit napepleasure yung body mo?
P: yes. Kasi i'm aware... I'm aware of my purpose. Nagegets ba? Sinong matutuwa don? Alam mo
yun? Gustong gusto siya ng katawan mo, masarap siya, pero hindi naman siya masaya talaga.
Emotions ang inaano natin dito, kasi kung yung feeling lang, I mean yung pakiramdam ko,
physically masarap. Gusto yun ng katawan mo eh. Pero emotionally hindi. Sobrang hindi talaga.
I: so you would say the same sa second time? Yung sa recent naman? What did you feel during
the time na nag backslide ka?
P: ayun, syempre galit ako sa sarili ko. Ayun, that's it.
I: how were you able to forgive yourself?

P: yung time na marami na akong ginawang kalokohan kasi binubugbog ko yung sarili ko. Parang
naawa na ako sa sarili ko. Parang ganito ka na lang ba? Mga questions na ganun. I: Hanggang
dito ka na lang ba?
P: Hanggang dito ka na lang ba? Parang ayan na ba yung gusto mong buhay? Yung hope ang
ibinigay sakin kasi eh. So para makuha ko yung hope na yun, I need to forgive myself.
I: in view of hope?
P: oo. In view of hope kasi nga.. Ay in view of God's forgiveness as well. Remember first and
foremost, you need to understand the forgiveness of God. That the forgiveness of God, and scope
non yung past, yung present, tska yung gagawin mo pang sin, so aware.. Again, aware ako.
I: okay, last question. What are the changes you experience when you return to your faith? Both
dati and yung recent.
P: syempre first maturity. Yung sa totoo lang ha. Every time nakakarinig ako ng sin ng ibang tao
or nag sin sakin yung tao, madali ako magpatawad. Bakit?
I: and you don't judge easily?

P: oo. Bakit? Kasi grabe ako eh.
I: kasi you experienced the same forgiveness?
P: tska grabe din kasi ako. Kumbaga kung icocompare ko yung sarili ko sa taong to, mas grabe pa
din ako. Sa context ko. Syempre iba iba tayo ng context ng struggle tska ng sin eh. So sa context
ko, mas grabe yung oinagdaanan ko. Grabe yung mga pinag gagagawa ko. Una yung maturity,
yung acceptance sa ibang tao. Mga ganon. Sobra. Kaya sa VG ko, parang.. Kaya pag may
nahihiya mag open up sakin, sabi ko di naman kita icocondemn. Kung alam mo lang pinagdaanan
ko. Mga ganyang salitaan. Yun pa, yung part pa na may nag accept sayo, so parang, kung ako
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tinanggap na ako, ba't di kita tatanggapin. Parang ganon. Kung ako pinatawad ako, ba't di kita
papatawarin. Kung ako minahal lang din ako, kahit di ko deserve, bakit di ako magmamahal na di
deserve na tao. So lahat ng mga ginawa sakin ni Lord, again, the end goal, sabi ko nga.. All
hardships, struggles, painful process ng buhay, it all boils down to one end - that's for the glory of
God. It's Christlikeness talaga. Character building. Likeness ni Lord. Kais yung likeness yung
nawala satin nung nag sin si Adam eh. So parang every time na babalik ka, again yung likeness
mo, yun yung purpose talaga eh. To redeem the likeness. To redeem the identity.
I: yung recent naman? What were the changes?

P: actually sabi mo both eh..
I: So generalized na siya
P: oo, ganun din. Nung finorgive ko yung sarili ko parang ganun. Pag nakakarinig ako ng paulit
ulit yung sin, gustuhin ko man maging impatient, wala na. Patient na talaga ako.
I: laughs
P: gusto ko man pagalitan na pasaway ka! Gusto ko man sumuko. Gustuhin ko man sumuko.
Wala na talaga eh. Kaya kong tiisin.
I: so you know the struggle is real?
P: yes. And kaya netong magbago, kasi.. Hindi makakatulong yung pagsuko mo sa kanya.
I: okay. Yehey!!
Respondent 2

I: When did you become a Christian?
P: Hindi na kasama ‘to?
I: No..
P: Okay. Uhm, June 2007. Encounter.. ay, 2008, sorry. Tawag sa retreat na yun ay “encounter”..
I: Sa old church yan?

P: Old church.
I: Okay..
P: Well, second church ko siya.
I: Second church.. ano ba yung first mo?
P: Sa Provident, somewhere there. I became a Christian when I accepted Christ as my Lord and
Savior.
I: Kelan yun?
P: June 2008. June 10, 11, 12.

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I: Next is, how engaged are you in your church activities?
P: Very engaged.
I: Like, dati and now?
P: Yep. Kasi family ko, I mean, sa church na yun, isa sila sa pioneers, founder, parang whether I
like it or not, I had to be active.
I: In what way ba ‘to? In what way yung activities mo?
P: Ministry-wise.
I: Next is, what made you stay in the faith?
P: Grace.
I: Grace.. what is faith pala to you?
P: Hm?
I: Ano.. ano yung definition mo ng faith?

P: Uhm. It’s my response sa grace na na-receive ko.
I: Hmm, okay.. Then ho- uhm, can you explain to me bakit uhm, when you experience that grace,
na paano ka niya napa-stay sa faith?
P: Well, again, it’s an expression. Parang that grace, that love na na-experience ko, was over-
very overwhelming. Sobra-sobra. It was incomprehensible, and di ko din maintindihan bakit
feeling ko, I have to parang just dedicate my life to this cause.. kung bakit I have to have this faith
so..
I: So kelan mo siya nararanasan, like in ganitong situation, talagang malakas yung faith ano..
when or ano, how? How?
P: Pag nate-test siya.

I: Example?
P: Pag natri-trigger weaknesses ko.
I: Weaknesses?
P: *laughs*
I: So, uhm, paano siyang weaknesses?
P: Ah, well, anything na parang pwedeng makapagg damage sa faith ko. For example, idols or
things na.. distractions.
I: For you?
P: Yep.
I: Okay. Next is, what made you stay in the church?

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P: Faith. *laughs*
I: Faith again..
P: No, grace yung kanina eh. What made me stay in the faith, is grace. What made me stay in the
church, is faith. Yeah.
I: Okay..
P: So basically parang, me staying in the church is my expression and my response to grace.
I: Okay, wait. Hmm let me ask you. Para sayo ano ang church?
P: Uhm, well, church. Parang people.. ay, parang eto. This is church. *points to CJ, CJ: Ang laki
ko eh ‘no?* *laughs* Haha, joke lang. Well, church is the people I have fellowship with. Where
God assigned me na makasama ko or..
I: It’s a, it’s a what?
P: It’s a congregation. It’s a group of people.

I: Hmm okay. Next is, what are your spiritual routines?
P: Alright, so... Sunday, nagchu-church ako. Then Monday to Friday, ayun nga, quiet time
everyday. Tapos yon. Pra-practice.
I: Everyday. Yeah, and then practice. I mean, parang, gagawin ko yung commitments ko. For
example, Saturday or Sunday, uhm, kailangan ko tumugtog. So part pa din ng commitment ko,
Monday to Friday, kailangan ko aralin yung piyesa, Or gawin ko yung mga kailangan kong
gawin, assignments, sa church, okay. Tas yun, uhh, kasama sa spiritual routine ko is mag-share
ng gospel. And pagdating ng Saturday, yan, Elevate. Yon. Spiritual routine.
I: Why are you doing those things?
P: Again, faith. Yeah.
I: Okay. *laughs* Next is, how consistent were you with your spiritual routines?
P: Uhm, situational. I mean, rather, seasonal. Dipende. For example, busy ako with my other, for
example school. Or yun, na-stumble ako, or in the verge of backsliding ako, or nag backslide
ako, or distracted ako. Yung consistency ng spiritual routines ko, dipende sa consistency ko.
I: Okay. Next is, were there any compromises to your commitment to the faith?
P: Well, definitely none.
I: None? At all?
P: Yeah.
I: Never mong..
P: Ngayon ba o kahit dati?
I: Dati, kahit dati.

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P: *sigh* Sakin, okay lang na malabag ko yung gusto ng parents ko, dati. Okay lang din na
malabag ko yung sariling gusto ko. Para lang magampanan ko yung mga commitment ko sa quote
unquote faith.
I: Okay.. Next is, were there any compromises in your commitment to the church?
P: Wala, kasi parang I was more willing na mag compromise sa sarili ko, sa mga ginagawa ko
para lang ma-prioritize yung church. Dati ‘to ah.
I: Hmm, okay. Next is, how do you describe your relationship with family, friends, or
workmates?
P: Parang broad ah.. Hmm.
I: Churchmates, classmates..
P: Ayos lang, I have no problem.. Issue ko lang sa friends, bigla kasi ako nawawalan ng friends.
It’s not my fault. For example, yun, lilipat ng church, so... nawalan ako ng communication sa mga
dating ka-church. O kaya, kunware lilipat ako ng course, mawawalan ako ng communication sa
friends lang, yung nag-iiba-iba. Pero with my family, consistent naman.
I: Pano yung consistent niyo sa family?
P: Yon. I mean, normal.
I: What’s normal?
P: Nagkaka kulitan, minsan di nagkaka intindihan, pero madalas, okay, okay siya.
I: Okay siya.. Next is, how do you describe your relationship with your churchmates?
P: Basically, my family and friends are my churchmates. *laughs* So ayun, same question lang
for me, actually.
I: On a scale of 1 – 10, 1 being the lowest, 10 being the highest, how seriously do you take the
principles and teachings of your faith? How seriously?
P: Well, of course, 10.
I: 10 being the highest..

P: That’s how serious it is for me pero, if we’re going to talk about kung paano ko siya
nagagampanan, *laughs* siguro mga 7 or 8.
I: Why?
P: Hmm? I mean, I’m pretty inconsistent, ganun. And I think it’s impossible for someone to reach
10.
I: Next is, how relevant is your faith to your everyday life?
P: Well, basically without faith parang I don’t have direction, I mean ligaw ako. Parang, I’m just
gonna be following my emotions..
I: What do you think will happen pag naligaw ka?

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P: Backslide, *laughs* basically. Parang.. parang property ako ng world, ganun. Na parang I’ll be
chasing after the wind, yun.
I: How relevant is your faith when you face struggles in life?
P: Well, it’s what keeps me hanging. Kahit sirang-sira na ko, sirang-sira na yung pagkatao ko,
feeling ko parang wala na kong kwenta, parang.. ‘causes I know na parang, there’s a God who
loves me. Parang.. someone, parang took all those pain, parang, well actually took all those
suffering away from you na, bakit pa ko magrereklamo. Parang, what keeps me alive.. for
example, sabihin natin na sa health points ko, sabihin natin is 100 maximum. Tas merong parang
something devastating na nangyari sa buhay ko, and damage niya is 99.9, okay? So 99.9 minus
100, dapat negative negative na, but because of faith, there’s .1 na natira, parang, always may
naka-hang. Laging may .1, never siyang magiging 0.
I: Where do you think it came from?
P: Came from? Alin?

I: Came from, yung.. the thought na parang may 1 percent pa din, ganon.
P: Well, the fact na parang, ay, parang.. I believe na God has a purpose ba’t nangyare ‘to. Parang
that faith, believing na, I know God is in control. It’s part of God’s sovereign plan.
I: Hmm.. okay. Backsliding part. First question is, what is backsliding for you?
P: Denying Jesus.
I: Denying Jesus..
P: Yeah. Tatalikod ka and lalakad ka palayo. Parang ano, mang-iiwan ka sa ere, na andiyan na
tapos iniwan mo pa. You can’t call it backsliding kung.. hindi kayo nag-connect, tapos umalis ka.
You have to be connected first. You have to be engaged, you have to be involved. Then all of a
sudden, bumitaw ka. That’s backsliding to me.
I: Okay. Second, did you consider yourself a backslider?
P: Yeees, because I was stupid enough to think na “I don’t need this anymore. What for? It’s
senseless.” So parang, makikipag break ako, ganun.
I: How did you come up with that decision?
P: Kase nasaktan ako eh. Parang.. feeling ko na, nabig- parang naloko ako, na parang hindi ko
maintindihan.. Basically yun, di ko maintindihan kung bakit nangyari yun. Parang, my faith
wasn’t strong enough. Yung 1 na natira, tanggal pa siya.
I: Hindi mo naintindihan bakit nangyari yun, ano yung “yun”?
P: Yung.. whatever yung reason kung ba’t nasaktan ako.
I: Later, we will ask you to tell the story during the times you backslided.
P: Alright.
I: Next is, when did you start backsliding?
P: Specifically ba?
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I: Mmhmm.
P: I was 14, yung umalis ako sa church, yung umalis yung family namin sa church.
I: What did you do?
P: Well, parang lahat ng tinuturo ko dati, while I was a preacher na dati nun.. Lahat ng tinuturo ko
dati, dinis-obey ko lahat yun. Parang, sinasabi ko wag mong gawin ‘to, wag niyong gawin ‘to,
and then ginawa ko sila lahat. Sa party, I got drunk. *laughs*
I: So, yun lang? Party? Partying?

P: Ano, not really partying, parang.. parang just not walking the talk. Yeah. Actually, funny,
parang nangyare nun is yung first time na nalasing ako, andun yung isang disciple ko rin. Nakita
niya ko. Na parang..
I: Anong nararamdaman mo nung time na yun?
P: Natatakot ako, syempre. “Huwag mo sasabihin ah, wag mo ko susumbong ah.” Kasi parang,
alam ko I was doing something wrong. I was aware na I was doing something wrong.
I: Wait lang, kunyari wala pa yung disciple mo nun.. ano, how do you feel at that time?
P: I was rebellious. Basically I was doing it kasi nagalit ako kay God, nagtampo ako kay God.
Feeling ko niloko ko. It was a rebellion. Parang, sinadya ko talaga.
I: Next is, how was your relationship with your family, friends and strangers? Tapos yung sub-
question is, did your backsliding have any effect on your relationship with your family, friends
and strangers?
P: Well, definitel, uhm.. Kasi sakin, yung relationship ko with my family, with my friends, and
even sa strangers directly related siya sa relationship ko with God. Okay? Kung okay ako with
God, kung sobrang close ako kay God, sobrang close ko sa family ko, sa friends ko, I’ll have this
parang eagerness para mag-share ng gospel sa strangers. Pero since yung nag backslide ako,
basically, sirang-sira yung relationship ko with God, nag rebel ako kay God, nangyare, sirang-sira
yung relationship ko with the family, I was so distant, okay? Nagrerebelde ako, nagsisinungaling
ako, even with, to my friends. Yun nga, sa mga disciple ko dati, di ko na sila kinausap. Ganun. So
nawalan ako ng friends.
I: Hmm. Okay.
P: And di na rin ako nag-share ng gospel nun. Wala talaga. Kasi dati sobrang.. biro mo, makakita
lang ako ng stranger sa labas, kunyare, mag-isa ako sa labas, tas makakakita ako ng stranger.
Parang, I have to share the gospel to this person. Parang lagi ako naco-convict na mag-share ng
gospel. Ever since, yun nga, nasira yung relationship ko with God, nawala yon. Actually even up
to now, parang yung relationship ko with the strangers, parang, that compassion that I had before,
di pa rin nababalik.
I: Okay. Next is, what were the changes you experienced when you backslided?
P: ...well, my perception in life changed, while my life as a whole changed. Ayun nga, everything
I was living for, yung church, quote unquote church, parang nabigo ako. I felt the change. Parang
nawalan ako ng meaning sa life, nawalan ako ng purpose. Parang bigla kong tinanong sarili ko,
para saan ba yung mga ginawa ko? Where do I go from here? Ganun.
I: Okay, so what were you doing that time? Yung iniisip mo na “wala nang sense yung life ko.”
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P: I was lost. Naghihintay ako. Naghihintay lang ako. Ano mangyayare? Parang, hindi ko
dinesire, parang, na bumalik sa faith. It wasn’t part of my plan, na bumalik sa faith. I mean, kung
sinadya ko mag backslide, yung pag return ko sa faith, kahit kelan hindi ko sinadya.
I: Hmm okay. May gusto ka pang i-add bago tayo mag returning of faith?
P: Regarding sa backsliding?
I: Oo. Kwento mo na yung backsliding experiences mo.
P: Okay. Alright, I mean.. pwedeng-

I: Pero first, I want to ask lang. I want to ask.. kino-consider mo ba na saved ka na noon nung
nasa ibang church ka? Kasi there’s big differences eh. Meron ba? Malaki ba yung difference nung
Christian walk mo nun sa Christian walk mo after mo umalis dun sa church? I mean, like, di ba
laging sinasabi na, sometimes when you experience bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh, you have to ask
yourself, kunyare, consciously, you’re rebelling against God, kasi you know na papatawarin ka
niya, yon, you have to consider, you have to think, “did you really become a Christian? Were you
really saved in the first place?”
P: Sakin parang, when I rebelled against God, parang it didn’t matter na patawarin niya man ako
or hindi. Kasi I was angry eh.
I: Okay. So tell us the story.

P: I mean, pwedeng after nung return of faith na? Kasi di ko makwe-kwento yung pagba-
backslide ko pag hindi ko nakwento yung pag return ng faith ko.
I: Sige. Why did you return to the faith?
P: Actually, I did not return to the faith. Parang..
I: What? You did what?

P: I was returned to the faith. Gets mo? Nung sinabi ko kaninang di ko sinadya, di ko plinano, di
ko inisip na bumalik sa faith.
I: Paano?
P: I felt like, parang, siya mismo yung nag-carry sakin pabalik sa faith. He was the one who made
a way para bumalik ako sa faith. And he brought me to CCF. Di ko plinano pumunta ng CCF,
parang, di ko plinano na magtaas ulit ng kamay.
I: Oo.. what were you thinking na okay, binalik niya ko ganun? Anong iniisip mo na ano you’ve
come to a decision na nandito ulit ako, parang ganun.
P: It was when, parang yun nga. Dun ko na-experience ulit yung grace. Dun ulit na.. na-refesh
sakin yung grace. Actually, mas tumama pa. I mean, tumama na.
I: Ano iniisip mo dun nung na-refresh sayo yung grace?
P: Actually, umiyak ako. Iniyak ko talaga yun. Parang you can expect na ganun pala yung extent
ng love niya. To the point na siya pala yung gagawa ng way para makabalik ako. Kasi yun nga, I
really never planned na bumalik. Pero parang, sabi sa song “when I’m lost you pursue me, lift my
head to see your glory”.
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I: Okay. The same with ano, parang why you returned to the church? The next question. Same?
Why did you return to the church?
P: Ayun, faith. Because na-build up na yung faith ulit. Because I once mistaken the church as
faith. So dahil.. uhmm, na-return na yung faith ko because of grace, and because of faith, nag-stay
ako sa church ulit.
I: So next is, what were the factors that influenced you to return?
P: Well.. na-disciple ako. I met new friends.. Tapos..
I: How did you feel at that time? What? Pano? Why? Why did you feel na ganito, na you met new
friends..
P: Well, I was experiencing parang yung love ni God through those people. Parang yun nga...
I: You felt what? Ano naramdaman mo?
P: Na despite yun nga, my unworthiness, andito pa rin ako. Parang despite how I messed up,
despite sa naging failure ko.. I’m still standing. I’m still authorized by something.. na to still have
joy despite sa sinful nature ko. Na tumugtog pa rin, or ma-involve sa ministry, despite sa naging
rebellion ko. Yun.
I: Okay. Next, how did you come to think of it?
P: What do you mean?
I: Parang sa lahat ng sinabi mo, how did you come to think of it?
P: What do you mean how did you come to think of it?
I: De.. yung pag return ng faith yun. How did you come to think of returning?
P: I didn’t think of it nga. I didn’t do it. It happened to me.

I: How did it happen? Sabi mo di mo plano pumunta ng CCF? You just walked into?
P: No, parang.. dinala ako. For example, parents ko. Sabi, oh dito tayo magsimba. Parang, I never
expected na yun na pala yun. Kasi hindi ko naman- hindi ko hinanap eh. Hindi ko hinanap.
Parang hindi ko sineek na bumalik ako.
I: But did your family ever stop attending church at some point?
P: Yeah.
I: For how long?
P: Months.
I: Months, tapos one day they just said na “let’s try this church?”
P: Mmhmm. Actually, nagsimula kami nun sa main. Masyado daw malayo. Tapos di talaga kami
makaka- di din namin mai-involve yung sarili namin sa main. Tas ayun, sabi, merong CCF sa
Marikina. Na we should try. Then that’s it.
I: Initially, when you went to CCF Marikina, or kahit CCF main, naramdaman mo na na this is it?
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P: No, it was very systematic. Parang yun nga, parang, kinausap muna ko ni kuya Mark, “uy,
okay ka ah. Gusto mo mag audition?” ganito.. tas ganito. Yun. I made friends ulit. Parang
somehow, nare-refresh sakin yung atmosphere ng church, ganito, pero this time parang, tama na
yung concept. Tama na yung teachings. Tama na yung focus.
I: Next, o may ia-add ka pa? Wala na? Okay. What did you feel when you returned to your faith?
P: I’m on the right track. Again, finally, I’m thankful. Yun nga, guilty. Na if nung nag backslide
ako, I felt stupid dahil I was in faith. This time, when I returned to faith, I felt stupid na nag
backslide ako. Ganun.
I: Okay, next is, can you say that you are now firm in your faith?
P: Very firm in my faith.
I: Why?
P: Well, I know that it’s the truth. I know na..
I: Na?
P: Hmm?
I: Na?
P: This is what the gospel is all about. This is what Jesus is all about. This is what God is all
about. Parang ganun. I experienced it. Hindi ko lang siya nalaman, I experienced it.
I: Okay. Next is, were there any struggles when you returned?
P: Well, yeah.. I had to make amends sa mga, parang, naapektuhan ko nung nag backslide ako.
For example, inaway ko yung dati naming church. Kailangan ko makipag bati sa kanila. Pati yung
mga, yun nga, yung nakakita sakin. Yung mga naka witness ng pagba-backslide ko. I had to tell
them na I was in the wrong part of my life. This is where I am now, so, I hope na di ka na-
stumble, ganito.
I: Yun lang? Yun lang yung struggle?
P: Well.. the process itself of restoration it’s a big struggle. I mean, di nam- never naman nawala
yung struggle eh. I mean the fact na even after ko nag return sa faith, nagbackslide ulit ako.
Definitely it meant na there was a struggle.
I: When did you feel na you were back na talaga?
P: I was discipling again. Yun, parang na-overwhelm ulit ako ng love, parang I was expressing
yung love. Parang.. again. It wasn’t an intention. It was an expression.
I: Okay.. what were the changes you experienced when you returned to your faith?
P: Well, di siya changes.. parang bumalik yung dati. Pero of course, may changes din. Since
magkaibang church, and this time tama yung concept. Na I’m on the right track, and I’m sure na
I’m on the right track. Yun lang.
I: Okay. Do you think you will still backslide again in the future?
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P: Love that won ba ulit ‘to? *laughs* Well, I don’t know, I’m not one to tell right now. I don’t
know.
I: Pero, I mean, you know, yung backslide na.. Ano bang definition mo ulit ng backsliding? Yung
denying Jesus.
P: Yeah, tumalikod ka pero there has to be an involvement, a commitment..
I: Pero yun, what if.. de, kasi nakapag backslide ka na again right?
P: Yeah.
I: Na hindi umaalis ng church tsaka nagse-serve ka pa din? So basically yung backslide for you is
something na more on your personal..
P: It’s not, ano siya.. yeah, it’s sa relationship mo kay God.
I: So do you think that can happen again pero are you sure na babalik at babalik ka? Something
like that. Is there like something in you..
P: Well, the pattern here is that magba-backslide ako intentional siya. Na sasadyain kong mag
backslide ako. Sasadyain kong saktan si God, sasadyain kong mag rebel. Pero always na yung
magre-return ako sa faith, di ko siya sinadya. Parang he’s always the one who makes a way para
mabalik ako sa kanya. Parang that’s grace exhibited.
I: So even if you backslide, it’s not you?
P: He’s gonna carry me back. Gets ba?
I: Okay.. But para sayo, what does it mean to be a Christian?
P: Wait lang.. dapat may sagot ako dito sa kanina eh. Well, being Christian doesn’t mean na you
ano.. pwede ano, what it’s not to be a Christian? *laughs* Kasi a lot of people think na, di ka na
Christian once nag backslide ka.. di ka na Christian pag nagstru-struggle ka.. yung iba pa nga
sobrang extreme na, parang di ka Christian kung mahirap ka. Di ka Christian kung di mo kayang
yumaman sa buhay. What makes you a Christian is that God loves you. And uh, you accept that
love. Me loving God doesn’t make me a Christian. But what made me a Christian is that God
loves me, and because of that love, na-build up yung faith sa heart ko. I have to love God, I have
to love people kasi his love is so overwhelming, incomprehensible.
I: Kwento mo na yung sa backsliding.
P: Okay. Well, bullet number one, okay... Prologue.. *laughs* Nung nag church kami, uhh, dito
ako nag Sunday school. Uh, dito naging Christian.
I: Uhm, wait lang. Since when ba kayo naging Christian? Did you grow up in a Christian
environment...?
P: Uhm, pinanganak ako na Christian... ata. Basta yung nagkamalay ako sa buhay..
I: Wala kang remember na Catholic kayo dati?
P: Well, Catholic school ako eh. So meron akong Catholic stuff na na-experience.
I: Pero Christian ka pinanganak?

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P: Christian. ‘Cause I remember, kinder pa lang ako, toddler pa lang ako, nasa Sunday school na
ko. Okay? So yun. We’re there sa first church, okay, uhm.. wala akong kamuang-muang dun kasi,
bata pa ko, pero sobrang active ko. As in sobra, kasi active yung parents ko. Active yung family
ko, so I have to be active as well. So naging vice president ako ng Sunday school,
I: *laughs*
P: *laughs* Sobrang plastic ko nun na parang after ng Sunday school, parang sobrang good boy
ako. Kunyare lumalabas na yung mga p- during Sunday school, napaka pasaway ko. Hindi ako
nakikinig, tuwing pagkain dun lang ako bumabalik ulet. Isang beses nga, sobrang ingay ko,
napalabas talaga ako ng Sunday school. Tas yun. Pero, during.. kunyare tapos na yung Sunday
school, lumalabas na yung mga parents, susunduin na yung mga bata, magliligpit na ko ng table,
tas magliligpit na ko ng chairs.. good boy. Tas yun. Until dumating yung time sa youth ministry
na ko, ako yung pinaka bata, ako palagi bine-baby.. yun. Parang I was thankful na ganun ako
lumaki kasi I grew up in a Catholic school na parang iba yung environment. Feeling ko kung
hindi ako naging active sa children ministry nun tsaka sa youth ministry, siguro sobrang pariwara
ko. Kasi grabe rin yung influence sa school. Tas yun. And then, tumagal, siguro mga 12 or 13
ako, nagkaron ng conflict sa church na yun, pero it didn’t cause me to backslide. Kasi.. alamo
yun? Hindi pa na-build yung commitment ko kay God eh. Parang, di pa ako naga-accept talaga
nun. Wala pa kong kamuang-muang. Yun, so di pa siya- di pa ko nag backslide nun. Okay? Tas
yun. Nung nagka conflict sa church na yun, yung isang pastor dun, yung nagdisciple kayla mama,
umalis siya.. tapos, gumawa siya ng sarili niyang church, in-invite niya sila mama, tsaka yung
mga disciples niya. Dahil dun, naging founder na din sila mama nung church na yun, parang
kami nag-start ng church na yun, and dun talaga ko mas na-involve pa. Kung ano yung kina-
active ko sa first church namin, parang ten times nun. Okay? And then shortly after, dun sa
church na yun, I encountered God. Encountered Jesus sa isang retreat, that’s when I accepted him
as my Lord and Savior. Tas yun. Ah, dun ako na-expose sa discipleship. Dun ako nakapag share
ng gospel. As in, parang all-time high ako. Parang everyone was, parang considering me as “Oy,
youth pastor ‘to. Pastor ‘to paglaki. Grabe yung fire ng batang ‘to. Grabe yung gift ng batang ‘to,
grabe yung skill.” Parang I was everyone’s kid. Parang sobrang taas ng tingin sakin. Kasi grabe
yung involvement ko eh, grabe yung fire ko talaga eh, grabe yung passion ko sa ginagawa ko sa
church. Because of that, natuwa ako. I was pleasing everyone. I was pleasing the church. Ang
dami kong disciples, ang dami kong fruit, ginagawa ko lahat ng sinasabi ng church na gawin ko.
Lahat ng sinasabi sa conference, grabe yung.. parang yun. Ano, I was the church, church ano..
uhm.. ano ba?
I: Protege?
P: Parang ganun.. Pero at the same time I was the church’s pet. Kasi ginagawa ko lang kung ano
yung gusto nilang gawin ko. Yun. So I fell in love.. with the church, with the system, with the
church. Akala ko, minahal ko si God. Akala ko yung minahal ko, yung mga dini-disciple ko. But
I was just loving myself. Although, yes, I experienced yung love ni God. Kasi nalaman ko kung
paano niya ko sinave. Nalaman ko kung pano niya ko ni-redeem. I experienced the cross.
Naintindihan yu- naintindihan ko yung cross.
I: Ano.. kelan mo na-realize na parang, parang para lang sayo yun? Parang ganun.
P: We’ll get there.
I: Okay.
P: Okay, so yun. Nangyare, yon, sa church na yon, sa second church na yon, nagkaron ng
conflict. Kung ano yung naging conflict sa first church namin, yun rin yung naging conflict sa
second church na yun.
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I: Ilang years pala? How long bago nangyare yun?
P: Three years. Yung pang three years.
I: Yung pang third year ng church na yun?
P: Oo, pang third year na. Ayon, nagka conflict. Naaalala ko nung paalis kami ng first church,
ayaw naming umalis ni kuya. As in, parang umiyak kami sa youth leader namin. “Aww,
pinapaalis kami ni mama, sabi nila mama lilipat na daw kami.” Ganito.. tas yun. Kinausap ko yu-
kinausap namin ni kuya yung parents namin, ayaw talaga namin umalis ng church na yun. Kasi
clingy namin sa friends namin eh. Isa pa yun, iiwanan namin yung friends namin. Pero yun nga
since parang wala pa kaming kamuang-muang nun, akala namin church is, yun nga yung friends,
ganun. Second church, parang, nangyare ulit yun. Yung aalis kami ng church, iniyak namin kayla
mama, kayla papa ni kuya na ba’t ganito? Di ba? Ba’t nangyayari ulit? Akala ko tama na yung
ginagawa namin. Di ba? Parang ang taas na nung respeto sakin ng mga tao, ganito, yung fruits ko
nakikita niyo naman, eto yung mga nadi-disciple ko.. anong nangyare? Mali na naman ba?
Anong- kung mali pa ‘to, ano na yung tama? Okay? Tas yun. Parang, I had no choice. Kailangan
namin i-obey yung parents namin so sobrang labag man sa kalooban namin, kailangan namin
umalis sa church na yun. Nangyare yun. Parang, sobrang hurt din sila mama of course. Parang
ayaw pa nila ma-involve sa church. Up to the point na, wala kaming church talaga nun. Pero ayun
nga, since sa church na yun, ang na-establish sakin, is dapat okay yung relationship ko sa church.
Nevermind yung relationship kay God. Di ko naging priority yung relationship ko kay God. Kaya
nung nawala relationship sa church, definitely wala ako relationship kay God. Parang yung
naging bridge sakin sa relationship ko kay God nun, is yung relationship ko sa church. Okay? So
nung nawala yung bridge, nawala yung friendship ko kay God. Nang dahil nalito ko, parang yun
nga, ano pa yung tama? Parang, kung mali pala yun, edi parang, mali pala lahat ng prineach ko,
mali lahat ng pinagtuturo ko, mali lahat ng sinabi ko. So why would I even bother doing all
those? Why would I even bother, ano parang, obey- obeying Lord or abiding sa mga- or being,
staying true sa mga sinabi ko? So binaligtad ko. Parang, kung hindi eto yung tama, ano yung
tama? So triny ko yung alam kong dati na mali kasi baka yun yung tama eh. Although alam ko
naman talaga sa sarili ko na mali siya kasi I was rebelling na kay God. Sinadya ko. God, oh
ganito ah, I give my all for you, *laughs* okay, ah so, passion- nakita mo yung fire ko, lagi ako
nagpre-pray nun. Lagi ako nagde-devotion naman, lagi kita kinakausap, dami kong sinacrifice na
time ko, even pagiging studyante ko, up to the- kahit nagdi-disciple ako ng mga sobrang mas
matanda sakin, 1am na ko umuuwi, kahit 2nd yr. high school lang ako, tsk, ba’t ganun? Saan
napunta yung effort ko? Di ba, I pleased you, bakit mo ko ginanito? I really rebelled to God. I had
no plans of coming back. ‘Se, anong mangyayare, magkakamali na naman ako. Natatakot ako na
kapag bumalik ako, tama ba ‘to? Ganon. Baka maulit na naman. Tas yun ang nangyare. I
rebelled. The world became my god again. Yun. Nawala yung church, nawala si God sakin. Yun
ang nangyare. Then yun, after months of being idle. After months na walang church, walang God,
all of a sudden, parang yon, yung friend ni mama na na-meet namin sa first church na nasa CCF.
In-invite kami. “Uy, attend kayo sa CCF. Maganda dito, okay siya. Walang pressure. (Ganun.) Di
kami G12.” *laughs* Yun, attend kami. Um-attend ako kasi parang, kasi ang sasarap ng pagkain
sa St. Francis nun! May shawarma dun na sobrang gusto ko, tas may mga ice scramble pa, tas
parang-
I: May ganun nung time na yun?
I2: Sa St. Francis, sa floor bago yung church mismo.

P: Mmh. Tas parang, sobrang nagagandahan ako sa podium nun, tas andun yung megamall. Tas
parang family bonding din. Parang, okay, sige. G tayo. Tas yun, parang sinign-up pa ko ni papa.
Ayaw na ayaw kong mag camp nun sa Jzone U-belt. Pero ayun, sinign-up ako. And then parang
slowly, di ba, parang it was nostalgic.. pero still, I had no plans of coming back. And then yun.
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Ahh, in-invite na kami um-attend ng CCF Marikina kasi nahihirapan nga kami. Tas yun, sobra. I
mean, coming from a backslider.. nung first attend ko nung Jzone Marikina, Moving Forward,
January 28, 2011.. na-bless ako. Parang sabi ko, I missed this feeling. Okay, sige, let’s see what
happens. I’m gonna stay, I’m not saying I’m coming back.. say I’m just gonna see what happens.
Kasi yun naman naging life ko nung nag backslide ako eh. I’m gonna see what happens, so..
napunta kami sa CCF Marikina, I’m gonna see what happens. So what happened, uhh.. nabalik
ako sa ministry, agad-agaran. Two weeks, just two weeks after nung uhm, lumipat kami, napunta
kami ng CCF Marikina, nasali ako sa music team.. I made friends.. and without knowing, without
realizing, I was back. Pero yun. For example, it was like falling in love rin. Kasi ako, pag nai-
inlove ako, di ko sinasadya din talaga. Parang, I just wake up one day and realize, “Oy, I love this
person already.” Ganun. Parang ganun yung nangyari, di ko sinadya-
I: *laughs*
I2: Sabi ko sa inyo eh, never ask him about love.
P: ..okay, in-involve ko yung sarili ko sa ministry.. In-involve ko yung sarili ko, nakipag friends
ako sa mga Jzone people, tas one day, I just saw myself, again, crying to God. Parang I just saw
myself na, uy, bakit ako ulit nagtataas ng kamay? Ganito? Anong nangyare, parang.. ginusto ko
ba ‘to? Parang hindi ko plinano ‘to ah, pano nangyare ‘to? I don’t know what happened, pero it
happened. Again, di ko sinadya. Yun nga. And then I learned, it was taught to me, it was grace. It
was more than- it was beyond mercy, it was grace. Ayun. Ayun, I got involved sa church. All
time high- well, di naman all time high pero ayun. Discipling, ganun, bumalik ako sa spiritual
routine ko, ayun. And bumalik yung- yung relationship ko kay God. And since iba yung teaching
ng CCF sa dati naming church, with ah, CCF nalaman ko na what really matters is the
relationship mo kay God. Discipling, relationship with God pa rin. Ministry, relationship with
God pa rin yun. Ayun. Tsaka I was in the right track, okay? Alam ko nang tama ‘to. Alam ko
nang tama ‘to. Alam ko nang tama yung ginagawa ko, okay? But then again, for some reason, nag
backslide ako. Pero this time, hindi-
I: How did you know though?
P: Na?
I: Na you were in the right track?
P: Yun nga, parang I learned the Bible itself. I experienced it. Parang, na parang GLC din, ganun.
One truth, ganun. *laughs* So yun. Pero even, even being on the right track, kahit t ama na yung
teachings, okay, for some reason, nakapag backslide pa din ako. This time, yung naging cause
niya is distraction. Basically, it’s distraction. Okay? Well, my faith wasn’t strong enough, di siya
na-build up enough, na parang, there was struggle pa rin talaga. Eto na, parang ang nangyare is,
inatake yung weakness ko. So nagka relationship ako sa isang girl, medyo naging LDR siya kasi
lumayo rin siya. Kilala ni CJ ‘to, yun.
I2: The one from Canada..

P: So naging, nag backslide ako, kasi parang, this time, there was- nagkaron ng second choice.
Nagkaron ng second- nagkaron ng second option. Di ako tumalikod, pero, iba na yung pumili ko.
Parang lumipat ako ng choice. Gets?
I2: Parang may kang prinarioritize.
P: Oo. So, well.. andun pa rin yung concept na nakipag break ako kay God. It’s either God or this
woman, ganun. Di naman ako na-hurt sa church, di ako na-hurt. Siguro ang naging factor din dun
is nag-shift ako sa school. Oo, kasi yun nga. Nawalan ako ng friends sa school, tapos parang uhh..
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dahil sa sakit din dun, naging factor na lang siya na nag seek ako ng affection from someone..
well, parang, long story short, parang yung pagiging carnal ko yung nanalo sakin. My faith
wasn’t strong enough- it will never be strong enough, anyway. So ayun, nag backslide ako.
Minahal ko si Alicia kesa kay God. Di ko naman pwedeng sabi- although sinasabi ko dati nun na,
“Lord, mahal kita kaya kailangan ko mahalin yung taong ‘to kasi you’re the one who taught me
how to love..” pero-
I: *laughs*
P: *laughs* yun.
I2: Pero di ba di ka umalis ng church this time?

P: Oo, di ako umalis ng church.
I2: Why? Why did you stay?

P: Huh?.. Kasi para sakin nun, parang, ginawa ko yung church na way para maging connected pa
rin ako kay God.
I2: Did you think na.. okay, so di mo naman kinonsider na phase lang yun? Yung pag backslide
mo for a girl?
P: What do you mean?
I2: Kasi parang sometimes, pag nagba-backslide ka, iniisip mo, babalik ka din.
P: No, parang same. Parang I’m gonna see what happens din.
I2: Parang go with the flow lang?
P: Yeah, parang bumalik ako dun sa go with the flow concept because of girl, because of
nangyare sa school. Tas yun. And then, nangyare, and since di ako umalis ng church, involved pa
din ako sa ministry, nagkaron ng camp, ahh... Move 2013, okay and, na-re-encounter ko si God.
Again, di ko plinano. Di ko plinano na ma-re-encounter si God. Di ko sineek, di ko dinesire na
bumalik.
I2: Pumunta ka lang dahil leader ka?

P: Yeah, it just happened. Um-attend din ako kasi yun nga, di naman ako umalis ng church. So
parang I had to be there because part ako ng ministry, nagbayad sila mama..
I2: And people didn’t know that you were backsliding?
P: Somehow they know, dgroup leader ko alam niya. Pero majority, hinde. Nalaman na lang nila
nung nag kwento na ko dun.
I2: Sa Move?
P: Oo. Yun. Again, di ko plinano. It just happened. And then sa camp na yun, I just saw myself
again crying, I just saw myself na nagtataas uli ng kamay, my life surrendered. Then 30, after ng
camp, na-surrender ko na kay God si Alicia. Pangalan niya, Alicia. Okay? So eto na, bumalik na
ko sa church. That became my breakthrough, actually, naging breakthrough ko siya. Kasi nung
bumalik na ko sa faith ko, then nawala na si Alicia, nawala yung distraction. Wala, dito na ko
talaga ginamit ni God. Kasi eto na yung time ng generation ko eh, yung generation namin na
maglead ng church eh, kasi masyado nang matanda yung previous generation. Ayan, we’re
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leading na, okay, guys, organizers tayo, hanggang sa naging coordinator ako ng ganito. Tapos
hanggang sa dumating yung time na kuya Rodel personally asked me, “Okay, Ejay, you’re the
one who’s gonna lead this generation.” I was discipling again, okay, my disciples- may mga
disciple na rin siya. So parang, I was back, Lord! I was back. Okay..
I2: But there was a time na ano, di ba? You were asked to step down for a while? Disciplinary
action? That’s just what you told me.
P: Kanino?
I2: Kay kuya Rodel?
P: Because?
I2: That you were asked to..

P: Yeah, we’ll get there. Sa third backslide ko. *laughs* Bakit? Haha. Okay. So yun. All time
high again.
I2: Pwede palang isang respondent lang, three cases na eh. Haha!
P: Okay, eto na. All time high, tapos yun. I was directing na, actually better. Kasi dati part ako ng
music team, that time nagdi-direct na ko sa music team and I was being eyed na by tito Vic,
“Ikaw papalit sakin,” ganito.. tas yun. Naging GLC Coordinator din ako for Elevate. Eto na, Lord,
sobrang ginagamit mo ko, and this time I’m on the right track kasi CCF ‘to Lord, so parang, ang
ganda ng teaching, I understand grace na talaga. This is it, Lord, I love you. Then all of a sudden..
there’s this girl.
I: *laughs* Okay..
P: And then, di ako na-hurt. Walang nangyare, dumating lang yung girl. Na parang Lord, eto na,
ini-slap- sinampal ko na si Lord. “Lord, I love her more than I love you.”
I2: Si Maddie ba ‘to?

P: Mandy.
I2: Ah Mandy na.. (He had Michaela, Alicia, Mariel, Maddie and Mandy LOLZ)
P: Nag start kay Yeye tapos napunta kay Maddie tapos dun na nagsimula. Basically it was my
ano, parang, uhh.. kasi tumatanda na ko *laughs*
I: *laughs* What does that mean?
I2: You felt like you had to have someone na?

P: Ganun. Parang yeah, parang de, hinde. Parang worldly needs, ganon.
I2: Ah okay.
I: Worldly needs...
I2: How did that start?
P: Hmm?
I2: With that girl that made you ano, made you backslide for the third time.
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P: Siguro ganito, uhh, yung third- eto siguro, eto siguro yung pinaka iba sa pag backslide ko.
Yung third time na nag backslide ako, di ko siya sinadya. Di ko sinadya na mag rebel ako kay
God, it just happened.
I: It just happened nay un yung weakness mo?
P: De, it just happened na nangyare siya. Parang di ko naman-
I2: It was also very fast.
P: Ah yeah. Sobra.
I2: Sobrang bilis.
P: Yeah. So yun, it happened. Di ko siya sinadya. Di ako nasaktan. As in parang, sinampal ko na

lang kay God na Lord, mas mahal ko siya kesa sayo. Di ko rin ma-explain, why it happened. Pero
kung pano, kung panong it just happened na bumalik ako sa faith ko. Parang yun din yung
nangyare that third time, it just happened na nag backslide ako. It just happened that I had this
weakness, and may dumating na naging Delilah ko. Gets mo? Parang regardless kung gaano ko
ka-strong, gano ko ka-Samson, nagka Delilah ako. Ayun. Pero there’s one thing na di nagbago
din talaga is yung fact na-
I: Wait, pero yung alam mo na weakness mo siya di mo siya parang nalayuan na oh, weakness ko
‘to, parang ganun.
P: No eh, kasi parang, it was a weakness eh, so parang regardless kung ano yung will ko. Sabi ko,
“Kuya Mark, ayoko na pero di ko kayang gawin.” Ayoko pero di ko kaya makalayo, gets mo?
I2: Ah, oo, we all know what that feels like. *laughs*
P: *laughs* Okay? Parang dine-deny ko pa kay Lord.
I2: Lord, Christian naman ‘to, friends kami.

P: Oo, Christian naman ‘to and siguro entertain ko na din kasi I’m on the right one eh, ganun.
Parang i-entertain ko na lang, kasi parang. I’m gonna see what happens, Lord. I’m attracted eh.
So ganun, parang akala ko di ako maapektuhan eh.
I: Yun nga kasi parang, nag- andun ka na sa edge tas trintry mo pa parang..
P: At first, stage zero. Ano ba stage zero? Denial. Sobrang denial. As in parang kahit ilang beses
ako nire-remind nila kuya Mark,..
I: Bakit natawa si CJ?
P: Nila CJ, oo ilang beses nila ko nire-remind. “Oy ikaw, ayan ka na naman eh.” Ganun, parang
ganun eh. Parang, alam mo naman mangyayare, masasaktan ka eh, okay. Actually, in fact, I
know- I know.. alam ko sa sarili ko masasaktan ako. It just so happened na weakness ko ‘to.
Lord, di ko kaya. Lord, di ko kaya, hindi ko kaya. Ba’t nangyare sakin ‘to? Di ko kaya. Ba’t ako
na- ba’t ko siya nakilala? Okay? Lord, alam mo di ko kaya ‘to. Okay, Lord, sabihin na natin it
was true love, whatever that is. Love man ‘to, totoong love man siya, it doesn’t matter. The fact
is, in love ako and mali yun.
I: Mali yun?
P: Kasi it led to something else eh.

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I: Na?
P: Yun nga, feelings na mas naging mahal ko siya kesa kay Lord. Kahit dineny ko pa, naging idol
ko ‘tong babaeng ‘to. And then yun, di ko na alam-
I2: To the point that he isolated himself, he broke up with me.
P: *laughs* Yun nga, stage one- stage zero, denial. Stage one, isolation. Lagi kaming
magkasama. And even kahit sa bahay na lang nila, andun yung mga kapatid niya, kasama niya sa
bahay. Then kaming dalawa lang magkasama sa kwarto, ganun.
I: Sa kwarto?
P: Yeah. That bad.
I2: Yeah, and you scolded me, oh my goodness.
P: Yeah. Then, when I was there, nalungkot na lang ako kasi..ganito yung nangyare.
I2: Sa room?
P: De, kasi.. I was there na. parang I was too involved na, kami na.
I2: Wala lang label?

P: Hinde, kami talaga. Naging kami.
I2: You always said you guys were unofficially official.
P: *laughs* Is it? Kasi di ko rin na-realize. Di ko sinadya, di ba? Na mag backslide. Di ko rin
sinadya na ma-fall. It just happened. Yun, one day, I just saw myself, Lord, ang layo ko na naman
sayo. Yun. Lord, di ako lalapit sayo kasi di ko kaya kasi mas mahal ko talaga siya. Lord, parang,
eto na talaga. Baka dito na lang ko. ‘Cause I don’t really see myself coming back to you. Di ko
alam kung pano mo pa ko mase-save dito. Di ko alam kung pano mo pa ko mapu-pull out dito,
kasi mahal ko talaga siya. It doesn’t matter, kahit naiwanan ko na lahat ng, yun, friends ko sa
church. Kinalimutan ko na yung grace mo.
I2: The funny thing was, you were still active in church.
P: Yeah!
I2: You were serving, together, even.

P: Yeah, yep. Parang ginawa ko pang excuse na, Lord, kasama na siya sa ministry dahil sakin.
Yan, na-involve siya sa ministry, dahil sakin yan. Gumagawa siya ng lyrics, dahil sakin.
Kumakanta siya diyan, ganyan, ganyan. Ginamit mo ko so ano, parang, this doesn’t mean
something ba? Na wala lang?
I2: It’s good because ano, I brought her to ano- closer to you.
P: Oo nga eh, parang, because of me din a siya umiinom. Because of me nagbago siya, yun.
Parang consolation prize ko na lang ‘to, na- pero mahal ko talaga siya. Yun nga, naging point ko
nun, nag backslide ako because I loved something else. Uhm, dumating ako sa point ng life ko na
di ko kaya mahalin si God, kasi..
I2: Mas may mahal kang iba?

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P: Ye, kahit gustuhin ko man, gustuhin ko, Lord, I wanna love you, pero I can’t, hindi ko kaya.
Okay, it’s beyond my will. Okay? Flesh na talaga ‘to, purely flesh, purely weakness. Na wala na,
wala na kong will power. Wala na, balewala na. There’s no- there’s no getting out of here. Then
yun. Yun nga, parang, nagbago yung pagba-backslide ko ngayon kasi hindi ko sinadya.
I: Wait.. for you, wala na yung willingness, parang ganun?

P: No, I was willing. I was willing. I wanted to go back, eto na, parang, hindi, I wanted to-
I2: In the back of your mind, you wanted to go back?
P: Oo, I wanted to- Lord, I wanna love you but- pero bakit di kita magawang mahalin? Di kita
kayang mahalin kasi mas mahal ko talaga siya.
I2: So basically, it’s like you know na kay God talaga dapat yung focus mo and si God talaga
dapat love mo?
P: Mmh. I know the truth. I know what I have to do. But I can’t do, what I have to do. Kasi eto,
weakness ko na eh, di ko na kaya. This was, eto ang kalaban ko dito, sarili ko na. Ang kalaban ko
dito, weakness na. Kung yung sa first, actually ang naging problem ko ay yung church. Yung
second, ang naging problem ko, si Alicia. Sa third, ang problem ko, di si Mandy talaga; yung
sarili ko. So this was me facing my weakness na. Kasi paulit-ulit eh. From..
I2: Yung first, it was lack of knowing, yon?

P: Yeah. Basta, si Alicia talaga problema nun. Kasi yun nga. Parang, wala lang. Hindi din na-
establish sakin na si God talaga eh. Yung third time, eto na nga, all time high na eh diba? Parang
alam ko na talaga kung ano yung dapat ko gawin. Ang kalaban ko na talaga dito is yung sarili ko
nga. That was a battle na I couldn’t win. Yon. Yung third backslide ko, it was the most different,
parang it was new kasi yun nga, di ko maintindihan ba’t ako nag backslide. Gets ba? Pero if there
was one thing that stayed the same, it was God who made away para makabalik ako. So ikwe-
kwento ko.
*laughter*
I2: This is it.

P: So kami na, alam ng family niya, alam ng family ko na kami. Alam ng mama niya, (malaking
factor yun na alam ng mga katulong ah) alam ng lahat ng naging katulong nila na naging kami,
alam ng dgroup leader niya, ng mga ka-dgroup niya, alam ng uhmm siblings. So I thought legal,
kasi alam. Just the fact na alam, akala ko legal. Pero yung father di alam ah, yung father niya di
alam. Pero lagi akong pumupunta sa kanila, parang- parang anak na din nila ko kasi lagi ako nasa
kanila talaga. Di alam nung father na kami. So during this one faithful day, during this one
faithful day. Pumaso- pumunta ko sa bahay nila, lunch time. Nag doorbell ako. Pinagbuksan ako-
eto yung set-up ng bahay nila ah, ay teka lang pinagbuksan ako ng katulong nila kasi may gate.
Kasi townhouse sila eh. May gate, nag doorbell ako, pinagbuksan ako ng katulong, tas naglalakad
kami papunta sa bahay nila, sa townhouse. Tas nauna pumasok yung katulong. Andun ako sa
labas, nagtatanggal ng sapatos ko, tapos sila.. kunyare eto yung entrance ng bahay, eto yung
dining table, sila kumakain. Nauna pumasok yung katulong. Di alam nung katulong yung
pangalan ko, a actually. So unang tinanong- tinanong nung dad sino yung dumating. Sabi nung
katulong, “Yung boyfriend po ni Diane.” Nung narinig ko yun, papasok pa ba ko? Parang gusto
ko suotin ulit sapatos ko tapos tumakbo na ko.
I2: Abort mission!
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P: Abort, abort, abort, abort!! *laughs* Sobrang ano, disbelief ng dad. Pagpasok ko, tinuro niya
ko, “Eto? Eto boyfriend mo?” Parang.. kasi parang he treated me as his own son. SObrang bait
niya sakin tas parang Gini-A-G-O ko lang siya. Ganun. It was so sly na parang I sneaked into
their lives tas parang, ang ganda ng pagtrato nila sakin, tapos yun. Di lang yan, parang ang laki pa
ng kasalanan ko kasi parang because of that, even his own wife, had to lie to him. Buong pamilya
niya had to lie to him about me. Yun, tinago nila. So he really felt betrayed. Ganun yung naging
damage nun. So yun, umakyat siya sa taas, nag-usap sila ng wife niya. Tas bumaba si tita Peach,
sabi umuwi daw muna ko kasi di daw talaga maganda yung lagay. Well, long story short, we
broke up. And uh, it was something na I never saw coming. It was something that I never
planned. Parang, okay, nag compromise nako. Lord, sige. Even if it is hell, I love her. Lord, it
doesn’t matter. Yun nga eh. It wasn’t my plan to break up with her. My plan was to be with her
forever na. *laughs* Wasn’t part of my plan.. ang plan ko is itama lahat ng naging mali sa
relationship nay un. Before malaman ng dad, ipapaalam ko na. Pero di yun plan ni God eh. Ano
man yung plan ko, mas malakas plan niya. So He made a way na magkahiwalay kami. Hanggang
sa yun nga, dinagdagan pa ni God. Kailangan ko na umalis ng CCF Marikina, kasi there’s CCF
Masinag. Imbis na maging awkward kami sa CCF Marikina, kasi magkasama kami supposedly.
Parang gumawa pa si God ng way para mas malayo pa ko. I just saw God move. Hindi lang yun,
parang.. nung paglipat ko ng CCF Masinag, I thought parang all time low na naman ba ko?
Babalik na naman ba ko sa pagiging parang penguin ko lang? Tas parang, yun nga. Parang kasi
paglipat ng CCF Masinag, I was being appointed pa na “Oy,” ina-approach ako ng leaders talaga
na parang, “James, we want you to lead this ministry, we want you to be the one to lead this
ministry.” Di ba? Parang, Lord, bakit ganito?? I said no, I said no to both. Parang, it was grace.
He brought me there. It just happened. I never planned it. I never wanted it pero it pursued me. Di
ba? It went after me. I was lost. Di ko kaya. Then I realized na, God really put me there in place
na di ko kaya, so I know.. so I can finally realize, so I can finally learn, okay, there are really
things na kaya kong i-overcome yung weakness ko through him.
I: Wait, may question ako. Di ko maintindihan yung it just happened. Can you explain?
P: Well, you can’t say it’s grace kasi, if you worked on it. You can’t say it’s grace, kung
trinabaho mo. You can’t say it’s grace kung plinano mo, kung sinadya mo na bumalik. It’s only
grace kung ikaw yung minahal, kung ikaw yung binalikan, okay? Backsliding, ikaw yung
lumayo. Returning, isn’t you returning. Pero siya, lumapit sayo ulit may dalang papel. Ako, wala
akong choice kundi tanggapin yun kasi sobra yung love eh. Okay, yun. Bumalik yung faith ko.
Because of that grace, bumalik yung faith ko. I am so loved by this God, anong magagawa ko?
Ano pang magagawa ko? So yun. And here I am right now at present, I really don’t know kung
magba-backslide pa ko or whatnot. Kasi kung magba-backslide man ako, siguro magiging excited
pa ko kasi, okay Lord, sasaktan mo ko? I know you have something great. Ire-reveal mo pa sakin
kung ano yung grace mo pero meron pa pala. May matututunan pa ko, mas makikilala pa kita.
I’m really excited kasi I know, na mawala man yung love ko sa kanya, i-deny ko man siya ng i-
deny. Maging Peter man ako, kahit i-deny ko pa siya ten times. Magkamali man ako, I might fall
again, I might backslide again. One thing’s for sure. He’s just there. He will never change. And
grace will pursue me. Although di ako magpapa-baby, okay? *laughs* He will help me change.
So yun. That’s my story.
Respondent 3
I: Faith para sayo ano yung definition ng faith yun muna tayo?
R: Ng faith
I: Oo in your own understanding parang ganun wala namang maling sagot

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R: Edi for me pag sinabi mong faith yun yung parang yung yun yung regradless of the situation
nan dun yung parang nan dun yung belief mo nan dun yung commitment mo to what you believe
in so
I: Commitment
R: Parang meaning uhm whether you you will see whether you see whats coming or ibig kong
sabihin ayun firm ka pa din dun sa sa sa commitment mo dun sa parang certain truth na
pinanghahawakan mo
I: Uh uh ano naman po uhh what does it mean to be a christian parang sa inyo para po sa inyo
para sayo
R: To be a christian for me is to first to give your life to Jesus, surrender your life to god and
hence once na na surrender to your life to god ideally bat parang mag ffollow yung
transformation sa life mo
I: Uh okay tama naman
R: Ideally and biblically

I: Haha
R: Di ko lang idea yon
I: First question **When did you become a christian?
R: Saan yon
I: No yeah kasi yung research question para lang makita nyo
R: Ahh okay
I: Pero for thesis lang tlga

R: When did ahh pero parang nakita ko yun ah anyway Nagstart ako maging christian yung de I
grew up in a christian family kasi pero yung time na nag accept ako nasa highschool ako nun eh
siguro third year highschool third second year highschool
I: Ahh
R: So mga ilang taon na anong year ba yun 2005 ata or 6

I: Parang lumalaki palang ako nun
I: Hahaha oo nga eh
I: Parang nasa elem palang ako nun

R: Sa ano
I: Elem
R: Ahh elem
R: Ilang taon ka na ba 19 diba

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I: mhm
I: Uhm pangalawa pong question uhh **How engaged are you in your church activities
I: Well uhh yung church activities yung second question pwede po yung past nyo tas pwede din
yung present parang ganon
R: mhm yung sa past ko super engaged ako as in kase yun nga nag start ako kase I serve in the
music ministry dun tlga ako nag start so parang dun na naging routine ko na sya as in pag sinabi
mong routine weekly ka tlga nasa church hndi lang weekly parang three twice a week nan dun ka
sa church bukod pa dun sa sunday tapos uhm ayun nga later on syempre kumbaga parang sa
office lang yan eh may leveling so ibig sabihin parang later on syempre nakita na commited ka
ganyan parang sinama ako sa mga leaders ganyan may hinahandle na rin na dgroup ganyan tapos
ayun part ng parang ano ano na yun core
I: Core
R: Naging part ako nun sa marikina so
I: Sa Elevate nyo
R: Mhm ahh jzone pala
I: Haha
R: Nakakatanda nga pag jzone ang tawag eh feeling ko ang tanda ko ganun tas yung mga bata
elevate so yun noon super engaged ako parang super active
I: Oo
R: Pero ngayon kasi ngayon yung hndi ako masyado active although nung mga last year ay tama
last year december bumalik kasi diba nagka nag family ako so nag stop ako for some time eh
more than one year so mga december 2014 yun yung nag start ulit ako mag serve pero sa music
lang nag gguitar lang ako yun lang yun lang kinomit ko pero nung kasi hndi sya hndi sya yung
kasing en kasing frequent na weekly talaga parang kasi sa antipolo ayun nga nag paalam naman
ako dun sa musical director namin kung pwede kunwari once a month lang or twice a month
I: Okay
R: Pero netong mga september kasi ano eh july eh july onwards nagpaalam ulit ako na mag pause
muna kasi nga lumipat kami sa may bandang masinag so syempre medyo mas malayo so parang
sabi ko ano minsan lang naman ako maka akyat ng antipolo kasi mag cchurch kami minsan sa
masinag so ayun so far hndi pa ako ulit tumutugtog nung bandang august tumugtog ako for some
time pero hindi yung frequent na may schedule tlga ako so pero pinag pppray ko din na sana kasi
parang given na yung ano eh busyness ko eh so parang tuloy kasi exams ko nga sabi ko yun kasi
yung reason ko lumipat at the same time family time tas yung exams pero kase nga yung exams
ko nga parang tuloy tuloy lang yun eh so iniisp ko ano hintayin ko ba na matapos exams ko eh
ang tagal tagal pa nun so parang tsk feeling ko nacconvict din ako na alam mo yun na dapat
gamitin ko rin yung yung talent ko for god so yun past and present
I: Next is ano **What made you stay in the faith yung commitment na sinasabi mo knina
R: Ako so far kase alam naman natin mahirap ang buhay i mean in general ang buhay puro
problema so parang what made me stay is yung nakita ko na for the past years na yun nga parang
as a christian nakita ko na si god faithful tlga parang yung faith yung obj yung faith mo
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nagmmaterialize kasi nakikita mo na nakikita ko na si god nung time na down ako talagang nan
dyan sya to the rescue so alam mo yun meron kang awareness na yung yung object of faith mo
faithful sya tapos parang ayun nga parang no matter what hndi ka naman nya iiwan so yon that
me stay that what made me stay pala
I: tama
I: Uhm **What made you stay in the church
R: In the church pag sinabi mong church yung group of so ako yung fellowsihp tlga kase
fellowship and discipleship kase sobrang importante sya eh parang hndi sapat na naging christian
ka tapos yun nga lord lord pray pray ka kailangan tlga yung fellowship so uhm yun yung nag
pastay sa akin kasi helpful naman tlga sya sa christian faith mo parang pag may times na diba sabi
ko nga nung first ss session natin parang pag may times na down ka parang nakaka pag narinig
mo yung mga stoies ng mga kadgroup mo yung mga friends mo parang alam mo yon makikita
mo na ayy pinagdadaanan ko rin yan ah so might as well parang pwede ko rin gawin yung
ginagawa nya ganun parang yun nga mga advice so nakatulong sya sa buhay hndi lang naman sa
spiritual side kahit practically kumbaga tas yon diba parang wala naman krineate na mabu ma
parang mabuhay mag isa so importante tlga yung fellowhip yung nasa church ka kaya yon nakita
ko yung importance nun
I: Next is **What are your spiritual routines?
R: Ako parang spiritual disciplines toh noh
I: Oo
R: So yun prayer quiet time although yung quiet time ko tlga ngayon parang ano which is for a
long time na rin ganito parang kasi ako nag qquiet time ako sa byahe diba may mga bible app tas
may mga devotional na rin sa no yun dun ako nagbabasa kasi nga parang well jinajusti di ko
naman jinajustify pero ang ano ko wala kasi akong time sa umaga na super early morning na
magbabasa ako kasi nung nung nag aaral pa ako college ginagawa ko yun eh nag jjournal pa ako
diba marami ka pang ballpen na kung ano ano ang kulay ganyan na parang ngayon alam mo yun
I: Haha oo
R: Nahihirapan na akong gawin yun pero syempre kailangan tlga meron kang ano eh parang
kailangan may feeding ka so pag morning sa byahe dun ako nag babasa ganyan or pag nag aantay
basta yon laging laging sa byahe pero minsan nagagawa ko lang minsan yung early morning sa
bahay pero ganun din parang thirty minutes lang tas itutuloy ko nalang yung the rest basically
dun, sa tas syempre yung prayer parang hndi naman yan legalistic na may specific time so
everytime kapag ka gusto ko kausapin si God
I: Uhm **How consistent were you with your spritual rou uh routines? routines pala
R: Dat sinagot ko pala. Ayun ano sya siguro in a week parang may na mmis out parin ako na one
two days na pero alam mo yun parang hndi sya yung pag namiss nag miss ka ng one whole week
parang hndi ka na christian ibig sabihin parang syempre nan dun parin yung prayer tas parang
well yun yun na yung sagot pala in a week parang may na miss parin na one or two days so
I: Uhh **Were there any compromises in your commitment to the faith? If yes what are those
R: None de joke
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R: Well ako syempre la uhm eto yung mga personal questions eh pero sige sagutin ko nalang din
okay lang naman syempre unang una yung when i lost my virginity ng hndi pa naman ako kasal
so premarital sex tapos yung family ng boyfriend ko tas nung time na yon yung buhay ko kasi
parang hndi naman mga military persons yung magulang ko pero strikto rin sila tas parang feeling
ko alam mo yung parang suppressed ka ganyan
I: Suppressed
R: Oo parang ganun yung kasi parang supre pero hndi ko sinisisi sa kanila ah after all choices ko
parin yan eh pero parang suppress nga so dumating sa point na hala bat yung mga classmates ko
ganyan anong anong term dun yung, ano yun crisis identity crisis parang nag gaganon ako nun
bakit yung mga classmates ko naman ano nakakagala ganyan ganyan tapos yon so so yun nga
parang dun nag umpisa yon tapos at the same time ano ba yung tanong baka lumihis ako ayun
mga compromises yun nga parang ayaw ng parents ko na mag boyfriend ako pero nag boyfriend
ako ganun syempre nasa bible naman dapat mag obey ka ayun
I: Uhm **Were there any compromises in your commitment to the church? If yes what are those
R: Ako tingin ko ano related na sya dun sa answer ko sa seven kasi like diba nung time nga na
naghhandle ako dgroup syempre parang commitment ko sa church yon kasi nag ddisciple ka pero
at the back of it pala nag ccompromise nga ako diba in other areas of my life so ang nangyayari
parang na affect tlga yung yung commitment ko sa church kasi like yung sa dgroup parang naging
tlga naging inconsitent tas alam mo yung di mo nabibigay yung best mo tsaka parang ang feeling
mo ang hypocrite mo kasi alam mo sa sarili mo na hypocrite ka kasi alam mo yon parang nag
nagllead ka tapos ano nag llead ako tapos diba parang may mga maling area ng buhay ko tas
parang ayun nga later on syempre ano pa nga ba iexpect mo inalis t lga sya sa akin ni god lahat
kasi na nung time na yon talagang kinausap ko naman yung leaders ko sa church sila Kuya rodel
ate summer ganyan sabi ko syempre parang kumbaga ako na yung nag approach na theres ano
theres parang theres an area in my life na hndi tama so parang bibitawan ko muna yung ganyan
ganun dgroup ganun so yon
I: **How do you describe your relationship with your family, friends and workmates?
R: Yung present yan anong present na banda?
I: mhm
R: Ano yung sa family kasi nga diba medyo magkalayo na kami ayy magkalayo kami pero i mean
hndi na ako nakatira sa kanila
I: Mhm mhm
R: Pero andun parin yung andun parin yung kamustahan although sa mga kapatid ko hndi ko sila
yung all the time na nakakamusta pero pag nag kikita kami parang ayan bonding ganyan kamusta
kasi kaming magkakapatid hndi kami yung tipong sweet na ehhh sabi ko hndi kami sweet uyy ate
ganyan ganyan hndi kami ganon pansin pansin naman ni ceejay yon so pero parang kahit na hndi
kami ganon ramdam ramdam naman namin sa isat isa na parang love namin yung isat isa tapos
parang ako kasi uhm maburd madali akong maburden pag dating sa family kumbaga kahit na
nung nag aaral pa kahit medyo nagloloko ako kahit ngayon may family so may family na ako
parang ayun nakikita ko may problema sila financially or ano ganyan parang madali akong na
aaffect so parang ganun kahit kahit hndi ako expressive na uy ano love kita ganyan ganyan
parang inexpress ko yon yung concern ko yung parang thoughfulness kapag ka yun tinetxt ko sila
uy kamusta ganyan ganyan pero ang lagi namang sagot okay lang ganyan pero syempre bu bukod
kasi dun sa pagkakamusta parang sinasama ko yung prayer tas hanggat maaari kung kunwari
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finances problema nila parang support pa rin naman ako dun so ayun okay okay yung relationship
ko with family tapos uhm with friends naman normal lang ano wala naman akong kaaway so ano
lang happy tapos yung ako din kasi sa friends parang parang lalo na nung nagkaron ng family
parang mas naging ano ano ba yung personality ko na parang childish pa minsan jolly pero kapag
mga matters of life alam mo yun yung mga eh na experiences ko sa buhay ko madali ko ano ko
sya parang ganun ganun ko lang sya iexplain so ikaw Ah bago ka mag problema sa boyfriend mo
ganyan ganyan ganyan parang ganun ako sa kanila parang prangka lang pero like kunwari like
yung katabi ko kasi ano actually igles INC nga yun pero kumbaga kasi nagkaroon sya ng
boyfriend sa office tas parang medyo na ooff na maraming tao sa office na ooff na sa kanila kasi
super PDA sila so parang parang pinag sasabihan ko sila na ano lang pero cool lang kami na (sabi
ko na) hmm wag nga kayo masyadong pda sa office noh professionalism ginaganyan ko sila i
mean tas parang kapag may problem ako madali rin naman ako mag confide although syempre
finefilter ko rin kapag ka marital issues hndi parati kasi hndi naman maiintindihan ng mga single
so pero pagka general ayon open lang workmates yung current kasi ngayon current work ko
ngayon ano hndi ko pa lahat close yung mga tao i mean uhh de kasi marami kasi kami sa
department so hndi sya yung tipong lahat friends mo although lahat acquiantance ko pati ano
nakakatawanan pero okay naman yung relationship ibig sabhin wala namang issue
I: Okay uhm **How do you describe your relationship with churchmates?
R: Yung churchmates siguro ili ililimit ko nalang sa ano sa dgroup yun ayon yung dgroup ko
dgroup namin sobrang ano sila parang sobrang close kami kasi syempre kung maexperience nyo
alam nyo naman yung setting sa dgroup eh na parang sobrang open ka talaga ganyan so alam mo
yun kahit na ako kasi yung bunso sa kanila na parang minsan bunso pa ako sa kanila obvious
naman kasi ako yung pinakabata so alam mo yun kahit bunso parang cool lang din nagtatawanan
kami na parang kaedad ko lang sila ganyan tapos alam mo yon yung umiiyak ka sa kanila
tumatawa ka sa kanila para ka lang baliw ibig kong sabihin lahat ng ano naeexpress ko sa kanila
ayon
I: **reads the question *teachings of your faith
R: Ako ibbase ko toh sa obedience ko kasi pag sinabi mo na you takes god seriously diba ibig
sabihin parang ginagawa mo so seven haha
I: Seven haha
R: Ten perfect
R: De parang yung principles oo pinapaniwalaan mo pero diba parang di naman ena enough yung
pinapaniwalaan mo eh makikita mo tlga sa actions eh so alam ko inconsistent i mean may mga
disobedience pa tlga kahit sabihin mong maliliit lang yan disobedience parin
I: Uhm **How relevant is your faith to your everyday life?
R: Ako ano uhm everyday kasi diba morning nag ppray ako so parang relevant sya kasi kung
walang faith parang hndi naman ako mag ppray to god to guide me sa araw na yon parang alam
mo yon may mga araw tlga na parang na pag na miss out ko yung pagppray kasi parang yun yung
way of expressing your faith eh diba pag nag pray ka kasi alam mo na pwedeng igrant binibigay
ni god so may mga araw na pag kunwari na miss out ko mag pray in the morning yung parang
feeling mo ang gulo ng araw mo yung parang wala sa order ganyan tapos feeling mo pa yung mga
desisyon mo hndi mo pa napagisipan ng mabuti ganyan so sobrang relevant sya kasi parang sya
yung yung faith ko talaga parang yun yung guide ko tlaga in this day eh so yon pano ako papano
ako kikilos papano yung alam mo yun yon
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I: ** How relevant is your faith when you face struggles in life?
R: Yung sa struggles naman alam mo yun kapag nag sstruggle ka kasi parang super sobrang
importante nung faith kasi, dahil sa faith ko kapag may struggle or may problema parang yun
yung way eh yun yung bagay na para mag ano para mag continue ako para mag move forward
para hndi ako mag give up so kasi kung mag ffocus lang ako sa problem sa problema parang wala
hndi na ako mag mmove forwarde eh pero because of faith parang yun yung way mo para
kumbaga parang uhh isurpass mo lahat para ma surpass ko yung mga struggles ko
I: Uhm sa second part po sa backsliding first question uhh **What is backsliding for you?
R: For me back backsliding is is uhm blay parang blatant ganun parang conscious blatant and
conscious na disobedience to god meaning parang alam mo yung teachings nya pero, kinokonvict
ka na and all pero ginagawa mo parin yung opposite nung sinasabi kasi yon
I: **Do you consider yourself as backslider?
R: Yes.
I: Why?
R: Once in my life ay thrice haha
I: Haha
R: Ayun nga so backsliding base nalang sa definition ko talagang may point actually parang
every level nga ng buhay ko eh
I: Haha
R: De kasi nung highschool ako nag ano ako at some point nag loko loko ako tas nung college din
so nag work na ako diba so yun nga ang pero why not kasi nung time na yon alam ko na ayaw ni
God yung ginagawa ko pero tinutuloy ko paren tapos tatlong beses pa diba parang
I: Hehe
R: So yun
I: San na nga ba
I: When did you start backsliding

I: Ay eto
R: Wala kayong copy
I: Ay ay meron po
I: So nung yung nagbackslide po kayo highschool college tsaka work

R: Oo nung nag start ako mag work, pero parang ang pangit pakinggan pag backslide ano. Hindi
ko naman inaano inaaway si God pero alam mo yun sa actions mo tlga, opposite nung sinasabi
nung word ganun.
I: Yung number four
I: Number four ako na

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I: Wait lang during the time na backslide yun diba number four
I: Eto yes
I: Oo yung relationship
I: **During the time na nagbbackslide ka how was your relationship with your family friends and
strangers
R: Aham nung time na yon syempre unang una sa family ano ka eh alam ko feeling ko kasi tlga
may effect yon kapag ka hndi kayo okay ni god parang yung relationship mo sa ibang tao
talagang na aaffect in such a way na nung time na yon kunwari sa family parang lagi akong
bugnutin
I: Bugnutin
R: Oo kasi parang alam mo yun alam mo na may problema ka sa sarili mo actually hndi mo sila
problema eh kasi parang madalas nagkaka conflict kami pero ang totoo hndi hndi naman sila
yung problema eh ako sa sarili ko may problema ako that time so ang nangyayari parang hndi
talaga alam mo yun pwedeng ganun hndi tlga steady yung relationship ko sa kanila kasi bukod
dun syempre alam ako na hndi lang naman ako nagdidisobey kay god pati sa parents ko so parang
sa mga kapatid ko rin parang hndi rin ako magaling na example kasi yon, sa friends naman siguro
sa friends isasama ko na yung mga churchmates tsaka yung mga kadgroup nung time na yon pag
alam kong may mali akong ginagawa talagang aloof ka sa kanila tas parang ayaw mong alam mo
yon ikaw na yung nag ddistance sa sarili mo sa kanila kase alam mong may mali kang ginagawa
eh alam mo na ang dgroup kasi is a venue for for you to be ano tawag dito accountable and to be
checked parang parang ma check ka uy kamusta ganyan pero ako
I: Hows your heart?
R: Oo diba parang parang ano ako eh di ko iniiwasan ko sila so syempre affected tlaga
relationship ko kasi nung time na yan si ate joan syempre parang kahit di mo sinasabi alam ko
nagtatampo sya kasi nga di lang yung tampo na uy di mo na ako pinapansin hndi ganun pero yung
point na dgroup leader mo ako tas parang alam mo yon ikaw yung parang nirreach out ka nya
ikaw pa yung lumalayo ganyan so yung strangers kebs lang na uhh haha strangers pati wala lang
okay lang
I: Haha
I: Uhh yun na rin yun

I: **What were the changes you eperienced when you backslided?
R: During ba'to?
I: Oo during
I: Yung changes na nakita mo habang ginagawa mo yun
R: Syempre unang una pag ka nung time na yon nung nag ddisobey ako ano eh syempre may mga
usual routine ako like sa ministry ganyan sa family so nung time na nagbbackslide (Thank you)
nung time na nagbback yung pwede bang dalin yung baso kasi parang hndi ko naman mauubos
I: Haha
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R: Okay. Yun nga yung changes syempre parang nagbago tlga yung routine parang yung usual na
every saturday
I: Anong anong na ffeel mo nung time na yon?
R: Syempre na gguilty ako nagguilty ako at the same time alam mo yung parang yung yung
stubborn ka parang ang tigas ng heart mo na Oo reach out nyo ako hndi ko kayo ano parang wag
nyo uhh parang nagmamatigas ako ganyan
I: Ma pride ganyan
R: Mhm pride tas parang at the same time time na yung nag bbackslide ako parang ano lang eh
ano tawag dun parang image lang yung strong ka pa rin eh, parang oy wala akong problema or
parang wag nyo akong kausapin di ko kailangan ng tulong parang ehm alam mo yon okay parin
ako pero deep inside din andun yung se nag sself pity ka kasi pumapasok yung thoughts ko na
ganun si satan kasi eh pagka may ginagawa kang kasalanan tas parang dumating k kasi nung time
na yun kunwari nag sin ako parang mag ssorry ako kay god lord sorry parang nagguilty na tlga
ako pero ginagawa ko parin sya kasi nan dun din yung nag sself pity ako dahil nga parang kasi si
satan din yung enemy uyy ano ang sama ng ginawa mo ganyan ganyan parang wala di ka na
katanggap tanggap sa church ganyan so
I: So ang ginagawa mo nag sself pity ka pero op opposite parin ng ginagawa mo parang kung ano
yung
R: Parang ganon
I: Oo
R: Pero parang alam mo yun parang dati yung
I: Opposite sa word ni god parang ganun

R: Oo ibig sabihin parang kinocondemn ko yung ginagawa ko
I: Pero
R: Pati yung sarili ko pero alm mo yun wala pagka nahulog ka sa sin tapos hndi mo sya yung mga
proper way para ma overcome mo yung sin pag di mo ginawa yon tlagang ano sya eh parang
chain rec parang chain ano tawag dun chain reaction sya
I: Oo
R: Kumabaga kasi nag sin ka
I: Pero alam mo yung proper way na gawin para
R: O oo
I: Pero di mo lang po ginagawa
R: Oo kasi like yon nung time na yun syempre una una palang dapat dapat sinabi ko na agad sa
dicipler ko tapos dapat nung sinabi ko tlgang sinunod although dumating kami sa point na ganun
yung yung tipong kunwari sabihin ko yung sa mga relationsip kumbaga dumating sa point na
open pa ako na ate ganyan meron nag paparamdam sa akin na ako naman ate type ko toh ganyan
ganyan pero yung mga after nun yung pag nag komp wala pag talagang kunwari kinonvict ka ni
god tas di mo pinakinggan yon tas nag patong patong parang tutuloy tuloy sya kasi katulad non
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ganun kunwari na convict ako nung una naman sinasabi ko pero nung nagkaroon ako ng first
compromise di ko sinabi
I: Ohh
R: Nung nung nung mga sumunod na parang wala na nasanay na ako na hndi ko na sinasabi all
by myself nalang
I: Parang naging callous heart
R: Oo parang naging callous yung heart ko
I: Nag manhid na
R: Kasi yun nga nag manhid na nga sya kasi parang naguuilty nga ako pero tinutuloy ko paren so
wala parang joke time yung pag ka guilty ko diba yon
I: Haha pero ate ano uhm kunwari diba syempre po yung ginagawa nyo non parang syem medyo
may part na ginusto nyo din pero di po kayo masaya while doing those?
R: Nung time na yon alam mo yon
I: Kahit gusto nyo sya

R: Kasi alam ko eh alam ko na disobedience sya tas parang diba sabi nga nila kapag ka nag
bbackslide ka or ano ka parang nawawala lang yung fellowship mo god pero yung relationship
andun parin so parang alam ko na hndi yun yung gusto ni god eh pero nag mamatigas nga ako so
ehm hndi tlga ako masaya kasi alam ko na hndi ko sya napplease eh tas at the same time chaotic
tlga yung relationships ko sa ibat ibang tao sa family ko tas yun nga yun nga yung nakikita mo na
out of order tlga yung buhay mo so ako out of order sya so hndi tlga happy that time parang temp
temporal lang temporary lang tlga yung happinnes na kunwari that time na ginawa ko yung sin
parang oyy ang saya ganyan ganyan kunwari yung pag bboyfriend
I: Oo parang may temporary parang may temporary pleasure parang ganun

R: Mhm mhm (means Agreeing)
R: Like kunwari yung pag bboyfriend parang ay ang saya kasi kilig kilig aldub aldub diba pero
after naman wala pag uwi ko alam kong ayaw nila yon so tendency ko nag lilihim ako ganyan
tapos di kasi basta ganun lagi akong actually nung time na yon parang puno ako ng lies kasi ang
tingin ng parents ko parang bait kong bata kasi active pa ako sa church although may pagka
maldita na tlga ako dati pa I mean pero parang ayun nga tingin nila okay ka lang kasi school ka
lang naman tas nag cchurch ka pa so parang alm mo yun pero di nila alam na sa school pala
parang iba yung image ko ganyan so ngayon actually karamihan naman dun alam ng mga
magulang ko in general eh pero yung mga ib ang daming detalye na hndi naman na nila alam eh
nung mga pinag gagawa ko nun sa school
I: Yeah ako din
I: Haha
R: Haha, hot toh?
I: Ayaw mo ba
R: Okay lang bagay naman sa akin ano kasi hot

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I: Hot
I: Haha
R: Sige Thank you ah
I: Wait lang
I: Ate may may gusto ka pang iadd parang sa backsliding part
...
I: O balikan nalang natin?
R: Balikan nalang natin

R: Feeling ko ang dami kong too much information okay i mean de parang sangay sangay na mga
sinasabi ko
I: Oo
R: Pero sige kung may naisip nalang kayo okay

I: Uhm sa last part uhm returning of faith
I: Returning of faith na bumalik na

I: Okay so first question uhm **Why did you return to the faith?
I: Uh Bakit?
R: Unang una napagod na tlga ako
I: Napagod
R: Yun naman yun eh actually kahit sino tanungin nyo napagod na napagod na ako na ayun nga
mag disobey napagod na ako dun sa feeling na guilty pero ginagawa ko parin naman napagod
kang makita na nasisira yung buhay mo tas parang alam mo yun napagod ka na napagod ka ng
nabubu napagod na akong nabubuhay ng hndi tlga base dun sa word ni god parang hndi tlga base
dun sa kung ano ba yung tama ano ba yung tama na ano ba yung tama which is yun nga na yung
buhay ko na lalong lumaban kay God so nakakapagod yon yung parang initially yun tlga yung
reason kung bakit ako nag return sa faith kasi gusto mong ano eh gusto mong napagod ka gusto
mong anong ginagawa mo pag napapagod gusto mo mag pahinga gusto mo mag recharge so
I: Ahh napagod ka
I: Next dun is yung **Why did you return to the church? pero basically parang ang tendency nag
bbackslide pag nasa church naman pero personally sayo parang why did you return to the church
parang ganon
R: Ako ano personally kasi alam ko na ano sya eh connected sya eh kapag christian ka it will
follow na you will hndi yung church as a building or as a group or as a ano ba parang
organization pero yung nasa ano ka circle of uhh fellow ano mo fellow believers importante sya
so nung time na yun alam ko na kapag hndi ako alam mo yun nag return ako sa faith parang nan
dun ulit yung faith mo kay god gusto ko ulit syang i-obey pero wala naman ng circle ng kunwari
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ang circle ko parin is yung yung mga ksma ko na na friends ko na backslide, ano tawag dito mga
BI
I: mhm mhm
R: Parang wala mahahatak ulit ako pababa so hindi naman sa kase gusto ko ulit talagang ginusto
ko tlga nun parang back on track na parang back to basics ka so yun
I: Oo
R: May iadd pala ako dun sa ano yung relationship sa friends pero hndi naman big deal hndi yung
relationship ko sa friends nung during that time yung sa mga churchmates ganun aloof ako pero
yung mga friends ko na BI dun ako okay syempre sila yung mga kasakasama ko sila yung
kunwari not for anything kunwari non-believer parang di naman nila qquestionin uyy bat ka nag
bboyfriend diba ayaw ng magulang mo na parang wala okay lang yun sa kanila kasi di naman
ganun yung convictions nila eh so ayun naalala ko haha
I: Hahaha
I: Uhm **What were the factors that influence you to return?

I: Oo
R: Meron ba akong ano
I: Wala haha
R: So number one syempre factors una yung napagod na na parang conjusted ka so pangalawa
yung out of yung k parang yung chaos na yung buhay mo tapos third, yung ehm ay siguro yon
yon kasi yung next question parang medyo related
I: Oo yun nga how did you
I: Ay wait lang wait lang so pero uhm so

I: Yun din yung itatanong ko sana eh
I: More on ano po ate yung factors na nag iinfluence sayo inyo bumalik yung feeling nyo na yung
na naramdaman nyo na parang pagod na tlga
R: Ako nung time na yon parang pagod na

I: More on feeling
R: Oo parang yun yung nag trigger
I: Yung nag trigger
R: Pero yung yung factor tlga is ano eh after all meron kang awareness na hndi eto yung buhay ko
dapat na yung na ano eh so parang yung feeling pati yung mga circumstances ano lang sya eh
parang trigger lang sya
I: Oo
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R: Parang para bumalik ako du for me to come to my senses na alam mo yon na this is not the life
that god wanted for me na parang god wants me to syempre hndi yung ganun na may feeling ka
lagi na lagi kang ako ah parang lagi akong takot lagi akong lagi akong guilty ganyan kasi parang
I: Oo
R: Ano ba yung life presumed life na gusto ni god na ipamuhay ko diba yun yung parang
fullfilling tas lagi kang ano wala yung mga ganong worries wala yung mga ganong problema so
ayon
I: Nasagot na ba yung how did you come to think of it
I: Uhm ay sige ate pwede nyo bang i ano ikwento sa amin yung yung moment one of the parang
moment na nag decide kayo na parang ayoko na tong buhay na toh
I: Nag give in parang ganun

I: Parang this is too much parang ganun pwede nyo bang ikwento sa amin yon kung merong
ganong moment na napaisip na tlga kayo na
R: Actually ang moment nung nag college ako nung nag retreat ako
I: Ahh
R: So nag attend ako ng retreat actually ksama ko nun yung boyfriend ko that time na hnd
I: Taga ccf yun

R: Hndi sya ccf hndi sya uh hndi sya believer agnostic nga sya I mean for anything ah i mean ano
sya ganun tapos hndi nga alam ng parents ko nakasama sya eh pero yung mga syempre
churchmates yung mga church ksma ko sila dun sa retreat parang ayun nga si ate joan yata ay oo
yung dgroup leader ko alam na boyfriend ko sya pero nung time kasi na yon nagguilty guilty yun
nga nagguilty na ako parang ayoko na din tlga tapos lalo na yung nag retreat syempre dun ko
narinig na yun nga nung time na yun kasi pang youth kasi yon diba so parang yung obedience sa
parents importance nun ganyan tapos kumbaga yung boyfriend ko nun hndi nya inexpect kasi
after the retreat right after the retreat mga the day after mineet ko sya tas parang yun nga sinabi
ko na nagulat nga sya kasi hndi nya inexpect siguro parang inisip nya para lang kami nag attend
ng bakasyon parang kasi hndi naman sya christian eh sa akin syempre iba impact nun gusto ko
tlgang parang gusto ko tlgang tumalikod so kinausap ko sya na yun nga we have to end this kasi
na cconvict ako dahil actually hndi gusto ng parents ko tapos ganyan ganyan syempre hndi nya
naintindihan ano pa nga ba ieexpect ko hndi nya naintindihan kasi naging bitter pa nga sya nun eh
parang syang ewan kasi
I: Haha
R: Tinext ko sya
I: Na
R: Pero basta nakalimutan ko na yung tinext ko basta tinext ko sya na after namin mag meet sabi
nya who you wow kahit kabisado mo yung number ko basta ganun yung parang bitter sya in
denial sya
I: Oo
R: Pero yon yun nga yun yung instance na nag return ako sa faith tas after non yun na tuloy tuloy
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I: Ahh
R: Isa lang ba gusto mo pati yung yung ano rin after work na yung bago nga akong married
ganyan
I: Oo
R: Edi naging boyfriend ko nga si ano non-christian boyfriend na husband ko na ngayon ganun
din kasi feeling ko nga mas malala yung ano ko nun eh kasi siguro may pride sa sarili ko na wala
parang feeling ko dahil grumaduate na ako parang kaya ko na sarili ko pero maling isipin yon so
yun kase when it comes to our christian life wala namang ganun eh kapag ka kailangan mo ng
accountability tlga so ako nung time na yun ano eh diba naging aloof nga ako tas parang nag stop
din ako maging accountable nun eh kumbaga pinilo ko kase yung parang nag ano na nag nag
bunga na nag bunga yung na-start kong mali like kunwari nag-umpisa sa hndi ako consitent sa
spiritual routines ko tas hndi narin ako naging accountable tapos ngayon medyo trabaho sa office
tas ganyan mabilis ang mga pangyayari tapos ayun nga nung time na yun nung actually yung sin
ko nga non parang yun nga sexual immorality that time parang kinausap ko na yung sa may
husband ko rin ay boyfriend ko nun sabi ko na ganun din same story itigil na natin toh kasi ayoko
na pero nung tlagang nag compromise parin ako eh kahit ganun eh kasi ang sinabi ko lang itigil
lang namin yung physical intimacy pero kami parin parang which is sobrang imposible naman
dahil nan dun na ako sa relationship eh tapos nung hndi ko na i aano yung control na control para
ma control ni God yung sarili ko alam mo yun hndi na sya mag proproceed don pero ayun nga
parang sabi ko continue ang relationship so hndi sya katulad nung sa panga yung sa ano nung
college ako na nag hinto tlga yung relationship namin so tlgang naka balik ako sa ano parang ang
nangyari siguro parang inuntog narin ako ni god sa pader kasi nung time na yun na sabi ko stop
na natin toh yun yung ano nalaman ko pregnant na pala ako so parang huli na ang lahat kasi
I: Oo
R: Kasi parang huli na ang lahat kasi wala na andyan na pero syempre ano tawag dun sobrang
devastated ako sobrang di rin alam gagawin ko tas actually up to now naman eh gradual yung pag
return ko sa faith i mean nan dun parin yung faith ko kay God pero yung bumalik sa dati sobrang
di sya ganun kadali kasi
I: Dahan dahan
R: Lalo na mer marriage kasi toh eh ano na to eh lifetime toh so parang yung husband ko hndi sya
christiano so parang yun nga yung kinuwento ko sa past ano ko magkaiba kami ng conviction tas
magka iba kami ng belief lahat kunwari nalang sa pag ttithes yun ano yun eh command yun sa
bible diba sya hndi nya maintindihan yon yung una syempre nung una nung bagong kasal kami
yung parang pinlease lang ako sige uh oh sige para para kay god ganyan pero later on lalabas at
lalabas rin naman tlaga kapag hndi tlga christian yung tao kasi katulad non yung mga ganon hndi
tlga nya kaya ngayon although ito pinaalam ko na toh sa discipler ko kasi ayaw nya nga nun diba
ang ginagawa ko pag ka mag sasabi ako ng sweldo ko sa kanya netlang yung tithes ko kunwari
ten thousand ten percent one k so sabihin ko nine k lang sweldo ko ganyan
I: Haha
R: Pero kasi kinonsult ko sya sa dgroup leader ko kasi parang feeling ko that time nagguilty ako
na tama ba toh kasi parang nag lilihim ako kasi kinacounsel kami na transparency ganyan ganyan
so tama ba toh dahil di ko sinasabi yung totoo ganun tas sabi nya naman hndi daw kasi nga bago
ko pa naman sya maging asawa kristyano na ako eh so bilang christian may mga, bilang christian
may mga command si god sa bible na talaga naman first and foremost kailangan ko tlga i-obey
yon hndi nga sya obligation eh
100
I: Ano toh talgang command
R: Automatic na sya na negosiable so yun sinabi naman nung dgroup leader ko na okay lang yung
pero kunwari kasi yung isa ko pang tanung nun parang meron akong pinahiram na pero sa ganito
tas hndi nya alam so yun yung mga hndi dapat pero kung tithes ewan yun nga yung mga ganung
bagay long term yan eh long term babaguhin ni god so nag return na ako sa pero hndi ibig sabhin
na yung life na gusto ko sana dahil christian ako aay parang nag balik ako hndi tlga agad na yun
yung ano yun nga work in progress parin naman yung husband ko ayun tsaka yon kapag marriage
kasi parang isa na kayo isa na kami so yon mahirap sya ~~~~~ hndi sya madali
I: Haha mukang
R: Pero ayun
I: Eto natanong mo na tong five
I: Di pa
I: Sakto yung five **What did you feel when you return to your faith? Pero sabi mo gradually
pero explain mo nalang yung nararamdaman mo pag nara nararamdaman mo everytime na feeling
mo nag iimprove ka or to your faith parang ganun
R: Siguro mag umpisa ako dun sa pinaka una nung time na nag return ako sa faith nan dun yung
kasi diba sabi mo nga it follows yung pag return sa church nan dun yung feeling na parang lie yun
lie yun ng enemy eh parang hala ano parang worthy ba ako deserving ba ako na bumalik na
parang ang dami kong ginawang kasalanan pero yun nga lies sya ng enemy tas talagang ganun eh
kahit bumalik ka na kahit na alam mo sa sarili mo na ano tawag dito na talagang nag balik loob ka
parang iddescribe ng enemy yun babato nya yung mga thoughts na uyy ano parang grabe kaya
yung ginawa mo parang yung mga tao dyan hndi naman ganyan yung ginagawa eh parang ganun
yung so at some point nung nag umpisa ako mag return sa faith parang may ano tlga yung may
mga self pity moments tlga tas yun yung na feel ko pero grabe nung medyo lumilipas na parang
na feel ko na naki nakikita ko hndi lang feel eh kase mere feeling eh parang nakikita ko tlga kay
Lord parang nag balik loob ako tlgang binabago muna yun ano tlgang binabago nya tlga yung life
mo tlga parang ano constant or inevitable tlga yung problema pati pag cleanse tas inevitable din
yung minsan sasabay ka ganyan pero yung naffeel ko sobrang na overwhelm ako kasi nakikita ko
na lord parang toto totoo tlga na kahit na hndi ka tawag dito ayun nga hndi hndi ka naging faithful
parang faithful parin sya so yun masaya lang
I: Haha
R: Well masaya
R: Haha nakasimangot
I: Haha
R: Ayun
I: Uhm ** Can you say that you are now firm in the faith?
R: Binabasa ko to kanina eh naiisip ko lang, Kasi parang ang hirap ang hirap mag ano eh anong
term dun parang pag sinabi mo kasing firm yung faith parang tinanung na mature ka na ba
I: Ahh oo
101
R: Which is ako kasi ang belief ko dun sa question na kung mature akong tao o hindi parang hndi
sya answerable by yes or no parang work in progress ganun, so eto so work in progress pero sige
for the sake of the question. Tingin ko oo fir yes firm ako kasi after all nan nga yung ano eh
parang yung faith si god na yung nag lagay sa heart ko nun eh so, kumbaga hndi ko sinasabi na
magiging roller coaster yung buhay ko na mag ssin ako babalika ako sin ako babalik pero ang
ibig kong sabihin parang no matter what mag rremain parin yung faith ko na si god faithful sya
tas parang lav love nya din ako parang kahit anong mangyari tlaga babalik parin ako sa kanya
I: Uhh parang ah okay

R: Sige go
I: Uhh hndi ano uhh dib so ano nalang ang question nalang ano pero firm ka doon sa process yun
nalang sa process
R: Pag return
I: Oo
R: Ang masasabi ko Oo kasi siguro na parang naka dag dag na may family na ako para kang
parang bilang christian kasi sa family de tatlo kami diba baby ko si husband parang bilang ako
yung christian alam ko na ano ko sila eh accountability ko sila so kung kung ako madadapa
babagsak ako parang nadadamay sila which is parang i cant ano ba parang hndi ko i cant bear yun
nga diba laging tinatanung yun sa mga services parang na iimagine mo ba yung family mo ikaw
nasa heaven tas sila nasa hell i mean pag nasa heaven ka na makikita mo sila nan diba parang so
nag aano tlga ako nadadapa parin ako when it comes to pag win dun sa husband ko iwin sa faith
nya pero after all parang binabalik lang tlga ako ni god eh so parang dun din yun nanggagaling
yung firm ko yung pagiging firm ko din sa faith na ayun hndi hndi ko naman sya gagawin mag
isa so si god naman ang tutulong sa akin
I: Parang nasagot na yung
I: Na answer na yung seven
R: Asaan?
I: Hndi parang na answer na din yung seven
I: Yung struggle
I: Were there any struggles when you returned?
I: Yung next is **What are the changes you experienced when you return to your faith? Mga
pagbabago from the start and from now parang ganun
R: Eto naman hndi ako mag start sa umpisa kasi medyo mas chaotic to eh
I: Haha
R: Na restore yung marriage ganyan so ngayon well yung changes syempre nakikita ko tlga na
uhm ako sa sarili ko parang mas naging firm din yung faith ko nung nag retun ako sa faith parang,
hndi ako holy ah i mean hndi i mean hndi ako banal banal or whatever pero ang ibig sabihin
parang mas nagiging patient ako sigruo when it comes to my self nalang pero i mean patient ako
sa circumstances sa tao ganyan tapos at the same time changes siguro yung physical aspect
naman yung parang nagkakaroon din ng order yung family ko kasi diba dati nakatira sa in-laws
ko tas ngayon na parang nag bukod na kami so parang mas mas nakikita ko na na-aaply yung mga
102
roles as husband and wife ganyan kasi before nun nung dun ako sa in-laws ko syempre hndi hndi
kam hndi ka maka-aura na ano eh reyna eh kasi may ibang reyna
I: Haha ah oo
R: Yun yung lagi din sinasabi sa akin sa counseling kasi parang kaya inaadvise na pag nag asawa
ka dapat hndi tlga kayo titira sa parents ng either kaninong parents kasi nga parang in a kingdom
isa lang yung queen isa lang yung king hndi pwedeng dalawa so na parang bilang nanay ng
husband ko syempre queen sya dun
I: Oo
R: Syempre gusto ko rin pag nasa ano parang gusto ko na ma-implement or ma-apply yung role
ko as wife so nung time yun nga nakita ko yung changes eh dahil si god inayos na nya nagkaron
hirap na hirap rin kami noon nung nagbubukod kami kasi sabi ko nga sa inyo nagbalikan kami
hndi naman kami nag sama kasi nga syempre parang namang ewan kung nag kabalikan kami tas
bumalik din ako sa in-laws ko eh parang ang nangyari kasi nun nawalan din ng work yung
husband ko so parang ako lang yung nagwwork eh syempre hndi pa kaya kahit mag ipon kami
ganayn so alam mo yun nung time na yun parang ang hirap ang hirap isipin lord parang ano ba
yan so ang ang ano tawag dito nag ninanag ko pa nga kay god nun parang lord ano ba yan parang
nababalikan na nga kami tas parang gusto ko na nga na mag ayos kami tas parang hndi naman
kayo parang alam mo yun hndi ko nakikita yung provision parang hndi gusto namin magbukod eh
para maayos yung family pero later on nga parang mali talaga yung impatient ko eh kasi parang si
god may right time naman tlga sa lahat ng bagay so yun nga ngayon yun nakita ko naman after all
inano parin naman nya parang kapag nag balikan kami tapos pag yung set up namin nga eh
magulo so another ano ulit yun another ipagppray pinagppray ko parin na yung set up nga namin
kasi magulo diba dahil nagkakasakit si baby pag ka binabyahe namin ganyan. ayon expectant ako
na yung mga changes noon parang nakikita ko rin sya na sa mga next din na chapters or next
struggle tas makikita ko parang magkakaroon ulit ng changes kasi ano ba parang kasi tinulungan
din naman kami ni god at first parang nasagot ko ba yung tanong
I: Oo
R: Yun
I: Last question **Do you see any possibilities of you backsliding again?
R: Dapat merong tayong lie detector test eh
I: Hahaha
R: Kasi syempre sasabihin ko yes pero diba parang ay su sabihin ko pala No
I: Oo haha
R: Syempre No haha
I: Haha
R: Hndi parang ayoko rin naman isipin eh nadadan ulit ako sa ganun kasi ano sya parang alam mo
yung diba yung sa rat yung dag
I: Mouse?
R: Mouse na ano yung nasa pabilog sya na ano tawag dun

103
I: Ah yung parang laruan nya playground nya
R: Oo, ganun lang sya ng ganun
I: Ahhh
R: Tas parang hndi naman sya makakarating to anywhere
I: Kaya nga ahh
R: So parang ganun kasi sya for me eh na kunwari backslide ka ng backslide wala wala kang
mararating parang
I: Ganon lang ng ganon
R: Mhm mhm parang wala wala kang reward sa heaven kahit sabihin mong christian ka tsaka
after all backslide ka mag back mag bbackslide ako ng mag bbackslide parang christian ba tlga
ako parang ganun
I: Ah oo
R: So ako hndi ko nakikita yung possibility pero ayoko isipin haha
I: Hndi mo makita yung possibility

I: Any additional questions
I: Wala naman
I: Kayo po ba may gusto po ba kayong balikan na question

I: Oo, i-clarify
R: Mga nakaraan hndi na binabalikan

I: Hahaha
I: Hugot
R: Nakakainis noh seryoso yung usapan

I: Oo nga
R: May nakita akong ganung Meme eh
I: Haha
104
Appendix G
Glossary of Terms
Accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior - Christians believe that Christianity is about a
personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, which no one can impose to you; thus, it
means personally deciding to put your faith and trust in Jesus Christ and to live according to his
will
Accountability Group - (in Christian context) a group of people helping and encouraging one
another to overcome sins and struggles and to stay remain faithful in their walk with God
Bible - the collection of sacred writings of the Christian religion
Compromise - the lowering of personal standards to justify discouraged decisions
Faith - complete trust or confidence in someone or something; strong belief in God or in

doctrines of a religion
Grace - (in Christian belief) the free and undeserved favor of God
Grey Areas - a subject or problem that people do not know how to deal with because there are no
clear rules about it
Idols - (in Christian belief) anything that replaces God; anything that is strongly loved, admired,
or desired more than God
Sin – anything that is against God’s will and purpose

Spiritual Discipline/Routine - regular performance of actions and activities for the purpose of
cultivating spiritual development
Weakness - a person or a thing that one is unable to resist or likes excessively

105
Appendix H
Curriculum Vitae
Carissa Jane S. Marcos

Principal Investigator
Name: Carissa Jane S. Marcos
Address: 20 Mt. Clemens St., Mountainview Vill., Brgy. Sta. Elena, Marikina City
Birthday: December 27, 1995
E-mail Address: ceedgemrcs@gmail.com
Mother’s Name: Ma. Maybelle S. Marcos

Father’s Name: Arturo B. Marcos
Sibling/s: Arthur John S. Marcos
Educational Attainment:
Level School School Year
Tertiary Our Lady of Fatima University (Antipolo) 2013 – Present
Secondary Marikina Catholic School 2008 – 2012
Elementary St. Gregory Elementary School 2005 – 2008
Appendix H
106
Curriculum Vitae
Researcher Member
Name: Allana Michaela R. Lamorena

Address: 23 Reed St., Filinvest East, Antipolo City
Birthday: September 19, 1997

E-mail Address: allanalamorena@gmail.com
Mother’s Name: Rachel R. Lamorena
Father’s Name: Alan Michael P. Lamorena

Sibling/s: Alan Raphael R. Lamorena
Alan Miguel R. Lamorena


Tertiary Our Lady of Fatima University (Antipols) 2013 – Present
Secondary Dee Hwa Liong Academy 2009 – 2013
Elementary Dee Hwa Liong Academy 2003 – 2009
107
Appendix H
Curriculum Vitae

Research Member
Name: Nikki Patricia E. Mina
Address: 1278 Camden Ave. Brookside Hills Gate 3, Cainta, Rizal

Birthday: September 15, 1996
E-mail address: mina.nikki15@gmail.com

Father’s name: Leonardo Mina
Mother’s name: Marie Vic Mina
Siblings: Sophia Victoria Mina

Tertiary Our Lady of Fatima University (Antipolo) 2013 - Present
Secondary Faith Christian School 2009 - 2013
Elementary Faith Christian School 2006 - 2009
Kid’s World Christian Academy 2000 - 2006
108
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Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider Christians

Carissa Jane S. Marcos1,2,3,4, Allana Michaela R. Lamorena1,2,3,4, Nikki Patricia E. Mina1,2,3,4,

This thesis entitled: “Return of Faith: Psychological Implications of Evangelical Backslider

Romulo M. Calvo Jr.

Roy Paul J. Avila, MAED

Rudy M. Danganan Jr. Bonnavie A. Vergara, MAED

Engr. Wilfredo M. Basilio

Carissa Jane S. Marcos

Romulo M. Calvo Jr.

2.0 Literature Review 3

2.1 Theoretical Framework 3

2.2 Variable Discussion 3

2.2.3 Returning of Faith 5

3.0 Research Methodology 6

3.1 Research Design 6

3.2 Research Locale 6

3.3 Key Informant Selection 6

3.4 Research Ethics 7

3.5 Research Instruments 7

3.6 Data Collection 7

3.7 Data Analysis 8

4.1 Respondents’ Background 8

4.2 Data Analysis and Themes 9

4.2.1 Collaizzi’s Method 9

4.2.1.2 Internal Factors 11

4.2.1.2.1 Commitment to the Faith 11

4.2.1.2.2 Convictions as Moral Compass 12

4.2.1.2.3 Struggles with the Christian Life 12

4.2.1.2.4 Compromises in the Christian Walk 13

4.2.1.2.5 Intentional Isolation 14

4.2.1.2.6 Apathy towards Convictions 15

4.2.1.2.7 Feelings of Distress 15

4.2.1.3 External Factors 16

4.2.1.3.1 Influence of Non-Christian Peers 16

4.2.1.3.2 Expectations of People from being a Christian 17

4.2.1.4 ‘Loss’ of Object of Backsliding 18

4.2.1.5 Realization of the Need and Desire to Recommit 18

4.2.1.6 Love, Grace and Acceptance Experienced 19

4.3 Emergent Framework 21

Figure 1: Construction of Backsliding 21

Appendix A: Consent Form 26

Appendix B: Interview Questionnaire 28

Appendix C: Research Budget 30

Appendix E: Validation Letter 33

Appendix F: Interview Text 34

Appendix G: Glossary of Terms 99

Appendix H: Curriculum Vitae 100

Keywords: Backsliding, Christian, Return of Faith, Religion

According to a comprehensive demographic study conducted by the Pew Research

2.0 Literature Review

2.1 Theoretical Framework

2.2 Variable Discussion

Anxiety is a mental condition, natural reaction to stressful situations and feelings of

2.2.3 Returning of Faith

Research Question 1: How is backsliding constructed?

3.0 Research Methodology

3.1 Research Design

3.2 Research Locale

3.3 Key Informant Selection

3.4 Research Ethics

3.5 Research Instruments

The researchers used a semi-structured questionnaire validated by three (3) professionals

3.6 Data Collection

____________ _ ____