A Blog About Blogging: Part I

Stephen Weber
August 2, 2015

Introduction
A bit over a year ago I set up a web site for my professional work as educator, composer,
pianist, organist, and general dabbler in anything creative, time-consuming, or of little
interest to the general public. When I set up the site I noted the host’s blogging feature. I
remember thinking, “Yah, like I’m going to use that.” As you can imagine, throngs of
people have visited my site to peruse its tidy little links and categories, and to marvel at
the anonymity and mediocrity of a career saturated with other individuals equally
insignificant, based on the general public’s view of arts and education practitioners. Of
course, I’m too cheap to pay for various web parasite organizations that claim they could
significantly increase web traffic and commerce for personal web sites such as mine. I’m
also too cheap to pay for the web host upgrade that allows you to actually sell things on
the site, which wasn’t my intent anyhow. I realized years ago that my creative work and
general putzing in the form of compositions, recordings, original art, poetry, photography
manipulations, and fractals would not sell. They’re simply NOT for public consumption.
All of this led me to the following discovery: I could actually use the blog feature at my
web site, given the minimal traffic, and who would know or care? I could then publish
the blog, knowing that it’s likely not to be read. Finally, I’d plaster links to the blog all
over social media to instill guilt in all my friends, relatives, and colleagues when they
choose not read it. All of this makes no sense, of course. But before you proceed, I must
reassure you that I have the credentials and background to garner your respect and trust
as a new blogger (see Figure 4 ½ below). The caption below outlines some noteworthy
qualifications and experiences I bring to the table.
Figure 4 ½ - Stephen Weber is a seasoned coffee drinker,
can belch the alphabet, can pronounce (and spell) over
20% of words in the English language beginning with the
letter K, owns a 2000 Nissan Sentra with nearly 200,000
miles, can sing the opening line of the Canadian National
Anthem by heart and in tune, and excelled in social studies
classes up through third grade.

I should also mention here that I’ve researched blogging extensively, so you can rest
assured that I know what I’m doing. For example, in preparation for this particular blog I
read a portion of two blogs by unknown and uninteresting bloggers, I looked up the
definition of blog in the dictionary app on my phone, and I discussed blogging with the
neighbor lady, who doesn’t own a computer, but she does get the Sunday paper. Finally,
to insure viability of the blog I’m now writing, I vetted it through a number of outlets to
make sure it met the rigorous standards for internet blogging: the barista at a local coffee
shop I went to once, a college football player who passed Freshmen English, and a few
neighborhood kids who displayed a general disinterest in reading, but kindly took a break
from vandalizing a neighbor’s home to chat with me.
Like many of you, I suspect, we see a blog post or feed and do one of three things: 1)
immediately disregard it, 2) clink on the link, read the first few lines, find it lacking in
interest, and then close the link, 3) read most or all of the entire blog and then wish we
had that time back. It’s quite possible that by now you’ve already done number 2 above.
Anyhow, in keeping with your expectation for an author to state a thesis to guide the
reader, I’m going to put forth this weak and uninteresting focal point now: THIS IS A
BLOG ABOUT BLOGGING. Note the subtle relationship to the title of this particular
blog. This thesis should have been in the first paragraph, where you would expect it, but
you were too caught up in the verbose background information and too irritated by what
was or wasn’t happening in this article to notice. I should also state here that if I were
grading the material you’ve read thus far (which is my inclination as an educator), I
would have already taken off significant points for a tepid and ineffective thesis, for an
apparent attempt to confuse the reader, and for a myriad of other syntax and structural
issues. Moving forward, however, I fully intend to support, evade, and trivialize the thesis
through contrived but reliable data, cohesive contradictions, linear illogical arguments,
and unnecessary and highly-crafted rambling. I may, at some point, also set a record for
the most commas in a sentence (see previous sentence).

Picture of the writer of this alleged blog, inserted for three reasons:

1) To gain the trust of the readership. Clearly, if this

fellow can be this contemplative and reflective
about pastry, he is certainly to be trusted as a
writer on much more serious matters.
2) The writer just discovered how to use the photo insertion
feature of MS Word and wants to display his
technological savvy, further gaining the trust
of his audience.
3) Always use visuals to engage your audience. Everyone knows that.

4)

It’s All About Perspective

Many blogs tout some sort of amazing revelatory insight or perspective. Some people
have a gift for this. These are the people that “have the floor” at the bar or at family
gatherings, or speak at high school commencements. We’re all in awe of this rare breed
that can spontaneously belch out pithy nuggets of random synthesized information. Either
that or we want them to go away. Anyhow, it’s probably best for everyone if I don’t share
my thoughts on most matters. I tend to be highly guarded when it comes to my
perspective on most matters, and it takes me forever to formulate opinions. I’m also
uncomfortable with bringing attention to myself, evidenced by the rare use of first person
in this tome or the periodic peppering of the document with pictures of myself. I’d rather
consider you an educated and skeptical audience, able to formulate your own opinions
and ideas without someone telling you how to think. And you thought I was a pessimist.
I’m not in the business of offending readership through snide remarks, cynicism, scathing
sarcasm, and general rudeness, so you can rest assured as you progress through this
rivetingly facetious document that you’ll be spared that. I certainly don’t want to initiate
a kerfuffle with the readership, since you’ve taken time out of your busy schedule to
peruse this bit of nonsense. Nor do I intend to sway readers or public opinion, but I’m
suggesting here – and you must necessarily agree with me on this point – that I’m always
right, and whatever you encounter in this document is informed, unbiased, and
completely infallable.

Such Interesting Lives

Many people out there live lives with rich and diverse experiences and they have gripping
stories to tell through their blogs. I’m always thrilled to hear about your Extraordinary
Trip to the Grocery Store, the Time You Tripped Over Your Dog and Spilled Your
Coffee, your Advice on How Eating Only White Foods Makes Your Colon Happy, Eight
Multisyllabic Words To Live By, or how your Trip to Waurika, Oklahoma, To Go
Noodling Forever Changed Your Outlook on Life. These blogged tales are rife with
intrigue and border on the epic. I just can’t compete with that stuff. You really don’t want
to hear about what goes on with me. I thrive on the mundane, the vanilla, the invisible,
the lukewarm, the Chicago Cubs. Any attempts I might make toward creating drama and
intrigue would be contrived, and the below average reader would just see right through
that.

Figure 3a.II – “Damaged Finger”: An example of the high drama and intrigue in the life of the author.