A Few Thoughts About Kite Hawks, Part I

Stephen Weber

August 12, 2015

I’m pleased that you’ve come back, readership, for yet another blog on universally
irrelevant subject matter. You can expect the same irreverence, lack of purpose, and
tiresome mumbo jumbo, a standard firmly established in my first three-part blog on the
topic of blogging. Since I am still a novice blogger, not having yet reached professional
status, I thought it prudent to vet my work through some esteemed colleagues,
republicans supportive of the NRA, my auto mechanic, and a few other people I
encountered on the street that expressed a general disinterest in reading. Though I
consider the first blog extremely successful, my wife referred to it as “methodically
disinteresting, but, without a doubt, minutely above average for a non-professional
blogger”, so with that type of extreme praise, you can expect this one to be a meager
upgrade in quality from the first set of blogs. However, not wanting to set a high standard
that can’t be achieved on a consistent basis, I promise to deliver sub-par material to make
it easier on myself in the future. By the way, if you see this one through to the end, I
actually do try to make a few serious points.

The author, pictured here deeply reflecting on

the topic for this, his current blog, and
wondering why the coffee he ordered is taking
so long. It’s this type of deep reflection and
lofty insight that you can expect from the
author, who spent the greater part of the last
50-plus years contemplating and processing
useless information that he can arrogantly
share with an unsuspecting, but needy, public.
A Bit of Background Before I Get to the Point

Today’s topic has to do with the challenges of living in the dangerous world in which we
all find ourselves. It’s astounding that we live as long as we do, given the plethora of
perils that can result in our dismemberment, disfigurement, death, moving to a deserted
island, or relegation to hospice care. Our ability to carry on as productive, minimally-
functioning adults can be altered or terminated by disease, accidents, reality TV, a visit to
Detroit, fast food, or crippling kite hawk attacks. Now, I have no idea how I can help you
most of those, but I think I have some helpful advice on how to protect yourself from
unexpected but occasionally crippling kite hawk attacks; this will be the focus of my
discussion moving forward, with the obligatory tangents along the way. Notice that I’ve
selected a universal problem here, seeking to reach and impact people everywhere, hence
the capacity for this blog to EXPLODE all over the internet via posts, reposts, re-reposts,
news feeds, and eventual TV news network coverage and invitations for the author to
appear on late night talk shows. What I’m providing here is precisely why I feel
compelled to blog; I WANT TO HELP. I want us all to live in a better world.

A Bit More Background Before I Get to the Point

On a more serious note, the topic of kite hawks has been one of keen interest to me.
Before I reveal how to protect yourself from life-altering and debilitating kite hawk
attacks, I should lay out the history and background of my interest and experience to gain
the trust of the readership. I’m all about anything aviary, having watched birds in nature
since I was a youngster, though being quite oblivious, in general, to their existence. At a
young age, I could sometimes spend minutes a day observing my dog mindlessly bark
from the living room window at frolicking birds in our yard. I also owned a pet budgie
parakeet for a few years, so I’m aware of the vicious nature of things with wings, having
been bitten on numerous occasions while cleaning the cage of the family’s beloved noise-
making-poop-producing-foul-mouthed-crazed-and-constantly-ranting-will-not-die-
budgie-parakeet from hell. I’ve also done a quick walk-through of aviaries in lesser-
known zoos in the Midwest, always wearing a hat while doing so. Finally, I recall coming
across a book in a box in my garage years ago called Beginning Bird Watching (I suppose
with a title like that there must be an advanced edition as well?). The book was given to
me by my grandfather, evidence of my genetic disposition to all things “ornithological”
(Yes, that’s a word; at least we’ll assume it is since spell-check didn’t flag it). So, as you
can see, I’m an expert on the subject of kite hawks, though they weren’t mentioned once
in that paragraph, except the topic sentence and this closing sentence.

I should, at this point, make a case for the relevance of this discussion of kite hawks.
Simply stated, it’s only a matter of time until this alarmingly graceful and territorial
predatory bird wipes out the entire human race (well, at least in Texas). You’re probably
thinking, “Well, it’s just Texas, right?” And I honor that line of thinking, finding it
humorous and valid. It also pleases me at this point that you’re still engaged in the
conversation here, but I need to move forward, if you’ll allow. I want to raise awareness
that this unnerving kite hawk situation could go beyond Texas borders. As a resident of
Oklahoma, I’ve observed over the past years a substantial influx of kite hawks. I’ve also
observed that each year the kite hawks become less tolerant of humans, and, in general,
more aggressive toward humans (See Figure XXX.3 below).

Figure XXX.2 - Remains of an ancient victim of a

ruthless and merciless kite hawk attack. These
remains are housed in the National Museum of
Ireland, a moving testament to the need for kite
hawk safety blogs, to educate and alert the
general public on kite hawk behavior and how to
avoid ending up looking like this.

Some More Background Before I Get to the Point

Mowing the lawn used to be a singular task in our household, meaning I did it myself.
This summer it has become a two-person job because of kite hawks. I’ve prided myself
on the fact during my 33 years of marriage to Lesa, I’ve always mowed the lawn and
done the weed-whacking. She has spelled me on a few occasions, taking the lawn mower
for a circuitous spin here and there, but mowing has always been a task I enjoy, much
like watching Let’s Make a Deal, car shopping, and putting on a wet swim suit. Mowing,
and yard work in general, has always given me “think time” to let my creative mind
wander, to come up with important blog topics like this one, and to solve complex world
problems.

Lately, though, I’ve had to engage Lesa actively in the yard work process, all because of
kite hawks. These beautifully vicious creatures have nested in trees in our neighborhood
and hover, glide overhead, and occasionally swoop down. This all sounds very graceful
and harmless to the average reader. However, I have considerable experience with kite
hawk attacks, so what I’m sharing here comes with valuable years of cowardly ducking,
cowering in fear, making bird-like gestures and occasionally screaming colorful language
skyward. So now Lesa serves as a “lookout” and/or decoy so that I can mow with slightly
less fear of being dive-bombed. This is the kind of woman she is, willing to sacrifice
herself for my safety and well-being. The irony in Lesa serving as decoy is that kite
hawks don’t attack women, but there’s Lesa standing in the middle of the yard, looking
toward the skies and warning me, as I mow, when a kite hawk is descending and/or
approaching. I’ve also strategically placed other decoys around the yard to further
confound the bombers from above (See photos below).

So far these decoys have been ineffective in deterring kite hawks from entering air space
above our yard. Nevertheless, they serve two other ancillary purposes: they are quite the
conversation pieces when we have guests, and they give me nightmares when they’re in
the house so it’s best they reside in the yard. Part of the problem, I suspect, in their
ineffectiveness as kite hawk decoys is that it’s difficult to determine the gender of the
first two; if they are indeed female (as I suspect the one on the right is), they will not
likely be attacked, given kite hawks’ genetic propensity to only maim or dismember
males.