July 20

I’m still wary of my relationship, as far as loyalty goes. A lot of things just don’t add up, which is
probably why I haven’t addressed it.

For one, I’ve seen the texts. I almost can’t forget what I read, even if it isn’t entirely convicting.
Still, why tell someone you cheated if you didn’t? But then, why also go through the extra
trouble of reassuring me that you aren’t cheating? Who is it that you’re lying to? I really don’t
get it. The consequences would be far worse if she were lying to me than if she were lying to
her best friend. She tells me that her sex drive is nonexistent, but then you mention to your
best friend that you were with someone else. And honestly, I don’t want to address it. A part of
me wants to sit back and let her tell me if it is true. Somehow, I don’t think we get to marriage
without confessing what we’ve both done. And I’ll admit, I’ve at the most only entertained a girl
over text. I haven’t slept with anyone else. Not even hung out with a girl alone since I’ve been
in a relationship, really. It’s not that I don’t trust myself, I just respect her enough to keep my
distance. It just seems as if I don’t get that same respect.

Full disclosure, though – I forgive her already, hypothetically. This isn’t an “oh please, I’m sorry,
take me back” type of forgive. It’s more of a “I understand why you did what you did, but it’s
still fucked up” type of forgiveness. The first type of forgiveness led me down a path I’ll never
go down again. I can’t hide my emotions from people anymore, especially those who really
deserve it. I definitely should’ve been more upfront about how Brittany hurt me those years
ago, but I don’t get that opportunity anymore. But now I have to find a way to deal with my
current relationship in a way that expresses how upset I am that she would even consider being
with someone else, but also expresses that I just want a solution to the problem. That’s why I
hate that I love her so much. Maybe since I’ve already been cheated on, it doesn’t really faze
me as much. But I still want her. And of course, there’s always the possibility that I have no idea
what’s going on and she’s actually been 100% faithful and only telling me the truth while
showing a different person to everyone else she knows. Ironically, that’s what she accuses me
of. In any case, there’s a serious lack of honesty in this thing and I don’t know how to address it.
When I’m with her, I try to be honest as possible. I don’t have anything to hide. When I let her
win the argument, or don’t say anything, it’s probably because I’ve realized that she has a point
that might solve the issue, even if I do still have things that need to be said. But with her, it’s
always that she makes her points, and then when we disagree, she goes immediately to say
something she thinks will hurt me – whether it be something about being with someone else,
or that I somehow think I’m better than everyone because I’ve made it out of my childhood
situation, neither of which is true. It just sounds like we have so much work to do and so much
to learn about each other, but I’m afraid that we can’t make a space between us where we can
be vulnerable comfortably. I want to know if she’s been with other people without the pressure
of her thinking that I’ll leave if I don’t get the answer I want. I know deep down it’s just sex if
my suspicions are correct – I know she loves me and values what we have together. My
question is why do it, and how can we get past it? I know I haven’t been the most emotionally
available person, but truth is that I try so hard to be. It’s just that when you feel this pressure to
take care of home and provide, sometimes there’s no space for emotions until things are taken
care of. That’s probably the perfectionist in me speaking, but I tend to keep my emotions under
check, even in relationships, and I think that may be a turn off for her. It’s just ironic, because in
the same breath, I also get called clingy. She calls it “walking and chewing gum” – doing two
things simultaneously that have nothing to do with one another, but truth is, all I do is walk and
chew gum and a whole bunch of other shit. She never sees that because she doesn’t value it.
Like yeah, she loves that I take care of her and make her feel good, but she doesn’t realize the
emotion and the love that goes behind it. There’s a reason for everything I do, so when I spend
on her, it’s to make her happy. Not to prove to her that I have money and take care of her.

I’m just tired of being misunderstood, and I can’t help but feel it’s my fault. It’s my fault for
being too strong for too long and taking literally everything to heart over the course of the
relationship, and maybe even life. I take it and keep my emotions to myself – most likely why
people just do what they want while I do my best to try and keep peace. If people only knew
the bullshit I go through to try to keep them happy. It always seems to be enough for
them….until it isn’t.

I still dream about disappearing from this life. Not dying, or killing myself. Just fading from this
life so that everyone else can live as if they never knew me, while I just start a new life where
no one knows me. I just don’t know if I’d start over as a new person, or just live in seclusion.
These days, it’s been the latter. Somehow, I just feel that for every bit of joy I bring into
someone’s life, I bring a slightly less than or equal amount or pain, and that’s uncomfortable for
me. I never want to hurt anyone – ever, but especially not the people I love. Sometimes, I really
doubt if I even deserve my own life. The people who love me, the success I’ve “earned”, the
relative comforts that I enjoy as a part of my daily life – I feel like none of it is real sometimes.
Nothing is binding. And I know this sounds suicidal, but it honestly feels like I have nothing
keeping me here. Then I think of how many people would be heartbroken at my funeral – some
who genuinely cared for me and tried to understand who I was and who I tried to be for
everyone I know and love. And then, those who only took from me all my life without any
consideration of anything I might’ve needed from them and never got. I can only imagine that
majority of the people I know will fall into the latter category. But I’m not even mad at those
people – those people have taught me that in this life, people do what benefits them the most.
It basically means everyone’s out for themselves and no one really gives a damn about
someone else’s feelings. That might not be a hard and fast rule, but it’s definitely one that holds
for most people I’ve met. It’s why I do my best to appreciate good people – it’s honestly rare to
find someone in this life who understands what a real love is. It’s from those people who I learn
what it is. I just never knew that it involved more pain than anything. Love is pain – at best, your
brain has told itself that you can deal with this pain. At worst, your heart has convinced your
brain to endure it long beyond the time for you to let go.

I used to write poetry often, and I think I need to start back. But with so much on my mind
these days, I’m just writing to be vulnerable while my emotions are still fresh. Someday, maybe
someone will find this close to empty soul of mine and love it. Until then, it looks like everything
I have will keep getting poured out into this journal and a saxophone. It seems like that’s the
only place they have value these days.