1

Copyright © 2017 by TonyOKPEREJr

All rights reserved.

No portion of this book may be used, reproduced,

transmitted, or stored in a retrieval system, In any form or

by any means without written permission from the

publishers with the exception of brief excerpts in magazines,

articles, reviews, etc.

To order, Contact
tonylechad@gmail.com

Facebook, Twitter and Instagram: @TonyOkpereJr

Cover Design by Sam Godfrey

Edited by, Ehimen Ikenye

2
Dedication
This book is dedicated to all leaders trying to find the

balance between competence and character, struggling to

be who they really are and trying to meet up with the

standard the world has placed over them.

I believe as you journey with me, you will find the answers

you seek to discover, develop and excellently deploy your

leadership capacity for global relevance.

3
Acknowledgement
I would like to appreciate some key players who without

them this book wouldn‟t be a reality.

To Joel Nmalagu, thank you for been a friend and never

given up on me in my dark days.

To Queenette Patta, for been a source of encouragement

and inspiration.
To Gospel Ekwere and Peace Itimi who literally pushed me

to start the Lead2Lead online classes. Thank you for your

love and support

To Chucks Mordi my unofficial assistant who kept me on my

toes and always reminding me of my deadline.

To Tseyi Ejueyitsi for believing in me and adding a

professional touch to this piece.

And to the Almighty God who has always remained faithful

and made me who I am today.

4
Table of Contents

My Story ................................................................................ 6
Mentors and Coaches - Why do I need them? ... 14
Wounded Emotions ........................................................ 36
You Too Can Lead ........................................................... 50
Leadership Lessons from the streets ....................... 56
Lead the Future ................................................................ 64
Good Success – Purpose Journey ............................. 72
Loving the Man in the Mirror ..................................... 84

5
CHAPTER 1

My Story

It all started in 2013 while I was a youth corps member

serving at the Federal University of Technology, Owerri. I

had such an amazing time making new friends and

mentoring lots of students on campus. However, after a few

months into NYSC, I began to ask myself some questions

about my life like who I was and what I really wanted to do.

Somehow my eyes fell on one of my old notepads and I

immediately started to read through it. I soon realised that

most of the things I‟d written in that notepad were written

while I was in secondary school. You see, in my secondary

school days, I read, meditated and wrote a lot of

inspirational stuff. I had no plans for them but I was known

for always writing stuff down.

Later on, I looked through my recent journal and discovered

that the things I wrote down in my four years on campus as

6
an undergraduate were not as much as what I had written
down in my two years of active personal development

process in secondary school. It was then I realised that I had

missed out on so many things because I was not committed

to a personal development plan as I was in secondary

school. After this realisation, I cried about it. Though I had a

great time on campus, affecting lives and having so much

influence, I felt I could have done better if I had been

committed to a personal development plan.

After this unexpected experience, I started writing my goals

for the next 10 years, drew up a personal development plan

for myself, wrote down the number of books I wanted to

read, the programmes I wanted to attend and the things I

wanted to do within the year. There was a revival in my soul.

I was determined to make up for lost time.

Ladies and gentlemen that was where my journey started

from. I thank God for my good friend Gospel Ekwere; he

7
was one motivation that kept me burning the midnight
candle.

Few weeks after this rejuvenation, I started asking further

questions about what I wanted to do with my life and all I

know I have within me. That was when I began to see myself

teaching leaders in different capacities. I said to myself, “one

day I would be called the leader‟s leader.” I started studying

a lot about leadership and translating the principles of

leadership into everyday application. I began to create

courses even though I wasn‟t sure where or what I wanted

to use them for, but I created them anyways. It really felt

good being able to identify something I was willing to do

anything for - I could spend hours teaching on leadership

and solving leadership problems.

When I completed my NYSC, I got a job in a software

company and was enjoying the office life and working hard
to provide IT solutions. I learnt a lot about passion,

8
commitment and sacrifice. But after a few years, I started
having this sense of dissatisfaction because I knew I could

be more and do more; I was struggling with remaining

where I was, of course, the job offered financial security

especially in the harsh economy. It took a while, but I

resigned from the job. So there I was, no job, no money, just

me and my dream. I didn‟t even understand fully what it

meant to run a leadership academy but I went with my

dream and put in all my effort.

So for over a year, I was hosting seminars, events, trainings

and church programmes in Benin City. Thankfully, I got

invited to speak at some schools and even travelled to

speak at events in some other states. Things were getting

better until I asked a question that turned my life around; I

asked God what was the next level for me. That‟s a habit I‟ve

cultivated over the years; though I have my plans I still seek

God to know what His plans are for me. There in my quiet

9
time, we had a long conversation and he told me that I
needed to move to Lagos.

Ladies and gentlemen, all my life, I never liked Lagos. I had

so many excuses and some of my friends fuelled my

ignorance. I said things like: Lagos is too busy, the

competition is high, stress is just too much, I don‟t want to

live that “Lagos life” etc. I didn‟t know I was crafting myself

to be a local champion in my field and afraid of getting out

of my comfort zone. Then God said to me: “son, if truly you

want to win on a global level, you need to first play at a

national level, and you cannot win in a game you never

played.”
That was a light bulb moment for me as wisdom shone

bright in my face. This happened in December 2015, and

before the end of December, I had relocated to Lagos with

neither job nor interview. It was an „Abrahamic’ experience

just like when God said to Abraham “go to a land that I will

10
show you” [Gen 12:1 - NIV]. It was me trusting God in
uncertainty.

I obeyed, came to Lagos, stayed without a job/money for

about 2 months. I made a decision that I wanted to work in

a church simply because I wanted to practice what I had

learnt about leadership and people development. I

understood that the best place to test the level of your

influence is to work with volunteers and not necessarily paid

staff. Working there gave me the opportunity to gain more

leadership experience, learn lessons, build valuable

relationships and build on my business plan. But while I was

without a job, I knew I couldn‟t stay idle, I didn‟t have any

platform, I didn‟t know anyone I could easily network with

others but I felt that it wouldn‟t make sense to me to

network just to get a platform, so I took an online coaching

course and started a WhatsApp class called Lead2Lead. It

was difficult starting up as I had never done it before. I was
scared that people wouldn‟t buy into it, I wasn‟t that much

11
of the social type who‟s always online, I just had tons of
reasons why I felt it couldn‟t work. I loved the live training

sessions where I could connect and relate with my audience,

but after my friends, Gospel and Peace, encouraged me to

start up, I took the bold step and did and today, the
lead2lead WhatsApp class is one of my major

accomplishments as the inspiration from that group has

birthed other training programs and businesses.

The class was born from a need to add value people in my

space. I was never the type who liked to receive without

giving. I believe so much in reciprocity. So despite the

challenge I had, I never stopped being me. I had to find a

way to express what I have on my inside.

Today, I am still on the journey. Trust me, the world is yet to

see the best of me, and I know that for you who‟s reading
this, there‟s something in you; a business, an initiative, a
product or an NGO that the world is waiting for and I pray

12
that as you read this book, you will inspired, motivated and
empowered not only to think differently but to take action

in the right direction.

13
CHAPTER 2

Mentors and Coaches - Why do I need them?

By Peace Itimi

My Focus would be on mentoring because I have noticed

that a lot of people have different ideas on what mentoring

is and what it is not. After an extensive study on the subject,

I believe I can give you concrete information on this topic.

- What is Mentoring?

- What Mentoring is not

- Difference between Mentoring and Coaching

- Common Mentoring misconceptions

- Importance of Mentoring and Coaching

- What to look for in a Mentor and/or Coach

What is Mentoring?
A lot of people have different ideas about what mentoring

is and so first of all I‟d like to clarify both terms. Ideally,

mentoring is a relationship in which a mentor helps a

14
protégé reach his or her God given potential. Mentoring is
like having an ideal aunt or uncle you respect deeply, who

loves you at a family level, cares for you at a close friend

level, supports you at a sacrificial level and offers wisdom at

a MODERN Solomon level. Having a mentor is not like

having another mother or father. Mentoring is more of 'how

I can help you' than „what I should teach you.‟

Side note: Coaching is more of „what I can teach you.‟

Mentoring relationships are usually long lasting but

realistically, not all of them last a life time. Some very

productive mentoring relationships are short term.

Mentoring is a relationship, not a contract, a deal or

agreement.

Side Note: Coaching can be a contract.

15
Mentoring is a relationship in which a lot of public and even
the private masks we wear are dropped so that mentor and

protégé can communicate at a behind-the-mask level.

Ideally in mentoring, there is a bonding of hearts. It‟s a

commitment.

Allow me to digress; I recently got into a mentoring

relationship. Entering it was scary because I understood it

was a commitment to be 'open, sincere and to learn'. And

as we started, we had to get to know each other. It was then

that I fully understood the fact that mentoring is a

relationship. It is like dating someone. You know that initial

stage where you have to get to know and understand each

other honestly so the relationship can be productive? That's

how mentorship is like and so it is important to enter a

mentoring relationship with someone you respect, care

about, believe in and enjoy being with. I'd talk about these
in details later.

16
Back to base. Though when mentoring begins, the mentor is
considerably more experienced than a protégé, with time

the friendship should grow to be a more balanced and

progressively equal friendship. The truth is, mentoring is

informal. It is simply two people who enjoy each other and

want to see each other win, helping each other over a

period of time. So you may ask, if most mentoring is

informal, why formalise it? Let me give a practical example.

For instance, we might desperately need to talk at 2am.

However, in most relationships, particularly with people we

look up to, we would feel uncomfortable calling at 2am in

the morning. True or true? But if you define a mentoring

relationship, and agree that being matured all round is the

bottom line focus, a mentor can say to the mentee that “I

am the one person you can call at 2am in morning.”

Maturity over a lifetime is the focus. Not necessarily a skill

set... But all round maturity. A mentor is not just a life coach
but a life helper. Not just teaching but helping and
supporting.

17
Next up is what mentoring is not.

The Truth is that mentoring in itself could be similar to

some other concepts and so it is important we clearly

distinguish between it and other similar concepts.

One, mentoring is not evangelism or discipleship. While

evangelism and discipleship are focused on spiritual matters

and require only respect, mentoring focuses on all round

maturity in all areas and requires respect as well as

chemistry. Evangelism and discipleship is focused on the

“lead disciple‟s agenda; mentoring focuses on the protégé‟s

plans and agenda. What I mean is that, in discipleship, the

lead disciple is focused on his agenda, his plan of what he

thinks the disciple needs to know to be mature scripturally

or at least to have a solid foundation.

18
Secondly, mentoring is not modelling. Modelling isn't
mentoring either but modelling is a huge part of mentoring.

The primary difference is that mentors are personally aware

of their protégé and want to use resources to help the

protégé reach their God given potential. However, a person

you have never met can be a model for you. A biblical

character that you admire can be a model. Modelling is a

part of the mentoring process.

Thirdly, mentoring is not apprenticeship or coaching.

Coaching focuses on skill development or training in a

particular area. Mentoring focuses on all round

development. This brings me to the basic differences

between coaching and mentoring.

Differentiator #1:

Coaching is task oriented. The focus is on concrete issues,

such as managing more effectively, speaking more
articulately, and learning how to think strategically. This

19
requires a content expert (coach) who is capable of teaching
the coachee how to develop these skills.

Mentoring is relationship oriented. It seeks to provide a safe

environment where the mentee shares whatever issues

affect his or her professional and personal success.

Although specific learning goals or competencies may be

used as a basis for creating the relationship, its focus goes

beyond these areas to include things, such as work/life

balance, self-confidence, self-perception, and how the

personal influences the professional.

Differentiator #2
Coaching is performance driven. The purpose of coaching is

to improve the individual's performance on the niche. This

involves either enhancing current skills or acquiring new

skills. Once the coachee successfully acquires the skills, the

coach is no longer needed at least at that time.

20
Mentoring is development driven. Its purpose is to develop
the individual not only for the current job, but also for the

future. This distinction differentiates the role of the

immediate manager and that of the mentor. It also reduces

the possibility of creating conflict between the employee's

manager and the mentor.

Agenda is set by the mentee, with the mentor providing

support and guidance to prepare them for future roles. With

coaching, the agenda is focused on achieving specific,

immediate goals.

Very simply, what I mean is this: mentors focus on all

around development. They work with your personal goals,

struggles and challenges. Coaches on the other hand guide

you on particular niches of life; career, finance, etiquette,

business etc.

21
Mentors are more like life coaches but while coaches will
have a schedule or curriculum they use to train people on

NPL or public speaking or online business management, a

mentor would flow with the mentee's needs and questions

and growth level per time. This way, mentorship is usually

more long term than coaching. Coaches stop after they feel

they have taught you all you need to know on that

particular subject while a mentor, even when you don‟t talk

for two years would always be there when you need help,
support or general advise. Now, people have different

misconceptions about mentoring and mentors, in the next

three points, I will attempt to debunk those misconceptions.

Mentoring Misconceptions:

1. Mentors must be really old: Mentoring thrives with

experience and not age. Age is not really a factor.

You will agree that maturity is not always dependent

on age. There are some 50 year olds with narrow
minds and some 20 year olds who think more

22
 maturely. We should pick mentors not based on age
but on their experience, level of mental maturity and

their willingness to pour out knowledge into us to

make an impact.

2. Mentors must be perfect: This misconception usually

causes people to feel unqualified about becoming

mentors. Mentors don't have to be perfect and have

all the answers. Just caring and being there when

needed and knowing the resources or people to

direct their mentees to is what truly matters. A

mentor‟s role is sometimes to be the answer,

sometimes to have the answer and most of the time

to know where to find the answer. Knowing how to

connect a protégé to resources (personal network,

seminars, books, etc.) is a key role for the mentor.

The truth is that while anyone can be a mentor, not

everyone should. But we must not let the knowledge

of our weaknesses cause us to refuse to mentor
someone who can benefit from our strengths,

23
 knowledge and experience.

3. Mentoring process must have a curriculum: Believe

me, no such curriculum exists. The process is unique

to each protégé. Learning is based on the protégé‟s

agenda, needs and growth level.

Every person is different, every friendship is different. And

every mentoring relationship is different. It involves two

people from different backgrounds, styles, fears, interests

and ages, so flow. Listen to the mentee. Now that we have

covered the basics of what coaching is, what mentoring is,

and what mentoring is not, let‟s move on to the importance

of having a mentor or being a mentor.

First of all, I want everyone to think back to 5 years ago.

Remember how immature you were compared to now? The

fears and questions you had? Remember how you were and
where you were? Now, think of three adults in your life that

24
you really respected and looked up to and who you had
some sort of relationship with. You know those adults who

knew your name and would say 'Hi Isaac how are you
doing?‟ Those adults you heard your parents say were

successful or that uncle or aunt in church who was doing

well. Now imagine, one of them had come up to you and

said 'I know a lot of young people and you are one of the
outstanding ones. I have been praying about it and I would

like to be your mentor.‟ Imagine if one of them had said 'I

want to be one of those people you can always talk to or

ask any question; one person who desires to see you win in
life and will always be there.‟ Think, would that have made a

great deal of difference in your life? For me, I know the

impact that having older friends who were always ready to

listen, advice and support me had in my life and how they

helped me grow and mature faster than my peers. This in its

essence, that thing that would have made you say „yes‟ is
the reason why mentoring and coaching are invaluable.

25
Mentoring makes all the difference in the world. Having
someone more experienced in life can help you avert lots of

mistakes. And rather than taking the longer route to

success, you take shorter one because your mentor tells you

what to do and what to avoid. We need people to guide us.

One thing life has taught me is that God uses the people in

our lives to bless us. He is the Chief Strategist and so

people, mentors and mentees are invaluable. There are

some of us who God has placed in us the grace to take

younger people under our wings. Don‟t relent, because you

would make a whole lot of difference in their lives. There are

some of us here who have a burden to find someone who

we can be accountable to, someone who would teach us,

guide us and support us. Don't relent in finding one. They

would make the journey a lot easier and sweeter and would
make all the difference in the world.

For clarity purposes though, allow me list out some more

points on the importance of mentoring and coaching.

26
 1. Mentee's are able to learn and grow under the
mentor's guidance

2. Mentee's are able to experiment with creative

solutions to problems within a safe and supportive

environment.
3. Mentee's become stronger and more intentional.

We can look at it in another perspective.

i. There are professional benefits. Coaching or

mentorship gives the one been coached or mentored

a sort of head start in the work place. Hence often

resulting in increased likelihood of success.

ii. Mentorship provides some emotional benefits. They

help us find a balance in the mountain of life. A lot of

people feel utterly alone, they feel threatened by

thoughts of the future. A lot of people don't know

how to make the transition between being

teenagers/youths into adulthood. Too many people
are on the mountain of life alone, and so they need a

27
 prayer partner. They need someone who understands
how fear works, how hard the transition to adulthood

and responsibilities can be. They need someone who

is emotionally and spiritually stable to help them go

through that phase of imbalance and constant fear

and worry. A mentor can be these things and more.

A coach can be experienced in that field, show you the skills,

the books, the people to meet so you make a huge career

break and maintain it. Please reread these benefits.

This is why you should go meet that young girl or young

boy you know has potentials and tell them, you want

mentor them. This is why, you need to meet that person

with experience and knowledge and tell them you want to

be under their wings. We all need extra hands to move

forward.

What to look for in a mentor

1. Your ideal mentor is one who is honest with you.

28
 2. One who is a role model to you
3. One who is deeply committed to you

4. One who is open and transparent

5. One who is a teacher

6. One who believes in your potential

7. One who can help you define your dream and can

give a plan to turn your dream into reality

8. One who is successful in your eyes

9. One who is open to learning from you, as well as

teaching you

10. One who is willing to stay on your agenda and not in

his or her agenda

How to be a great protégé:

1) Admire
2) Appreciate

3) Be considerate
4) Love.
5) Give

29
Choose one you really enjoy learning from and being with.

For those who want to be mentors -

What to look for in a mentee

1. Your ideal protégé is one that you believe in

2. One that you like to spend time with naturally.

Chemistry is important in mentorship

3. One that makes it easy to keep helping and

supporting
4. One that is teachable

5. One who respects and admires you

6. One who is self-motivated

Also, you can choose a mentee who will make it with or

without you. There are those who are naturally born leaders

and those who will not make it without you, choose

whichever one you are most attracted to.

Warnings:

30
Be careful about being a mentor or protégé to the opposite
sex. Be very careful. It is also necessary that you have

mentors who are of same faith and values as you, this is

very important.

Lastly;

How to be a great mentor:

1. Love

2. Encourage
3. Be open

4. Check your motives

5. Relax

Q and A

What if you're a Muslim/Person of Another Religion?

Have a mentor or mentee with the same faith and belief

system as you. Our belief system goes a long way in

determining our lives and decisions. So as not to clash, let
your mentor be in the same faith as you.

31
Can a mentor also have a mentor?

Yes, a mentor can have a mentor. For instance, right now

you can be a mentor to some students in secondary school,

while you have a mentor who is already married and stuff.

You will agree with me, that there would always be

someone you have something to teach and yet, you may

still need guidance from someone else.

What is the difference between mentors, role models and

spiritual fathers?
Mentoring is not evangelism or discipleship. While

evangelism and discipleship are focused on spiritual matters

and require respect, mentoring focuses on all round

maturity in all areas and requires respect as well as

chemistry. Evangelism and discipleship are focused on the

evangelist or lead disciple‟s agenda but mentoring focuses

on the protégé‟s agenda. What I mean is, in discipleship, the
lead disciple is focused on his agenda, his plan of what he

32
thinks the disciple needs to know to be mature scripturally
or at least to have a solid foundation. A mentor cuts across

every area of your life

What do you do when you have a mentor of the opposite sex

and you start developing “intimate” feelings for him or her?

Remember one of my warnings was to avoid a mentoring

relationship or coaching with the opposite sex because the

more you guys get to know each other and share

experiences, feelings may develop. If it does, please cut off

the relationship, so you don‟t complicate things.

Are mentors more effective and efficient than spiritual

fathers?

Mentors are not necessarily more effective and efficient

than a spiritual father, just that a spiritual father may end up

focusing mainly on your spiritual maturity but a mentor can

cut across all aspects, your spiritual life, career, relationships,
finance etc.

33
Can one of your family members be your mentor?

Yes one of your family members can be your mentor; your

dad or mum could be.

Can one have more than one mentor?

Yes, you can have more than one mentor. In fact, a

mentoring relationship can be effective for a while and then

you may have to move to focus and develop another area

of your life and rather than having than being stagnant or

competitive, you may have to connect with some other

mentor who can grow you in that area. Be careful about

having several mentors at the same time because every

individual has his/her uniqueness and ideologies and things

may get confusing... But if you can handle it, sure, go ahead
and learn from as many people as possible.

34
35
CHAPTER 3

Wounded Emotions

Experience is not the best teacher, but evaluated experience

is, because you can go through several experiences and

learn nothing from them. „Wounded emotions‟ are an

everyday reality we live, talk, smile, laugh and even try to

love with them. But the truth is, even though the bible and
pastors say love the Lord with all your heart and love your

neighbour as yourself, how does my pastor expect me to

love others with a wounded heart?

So guys listen up to this story, some of you might know it

because it‟s from the only historical book I love reading. It

tells of a man who was travelling down a road with a dream,

an intention and goals. As he travelled, he fell among some

bad guys, some of us call them fine boys on the road and

they dealt mercilessly with him, wounded him, took all he

had and cut his journey short leaving him to die on the

36
road. It continued that capable hands, rich folks, guys with
cars came along that path, saw him wounded, but didn't do

anything about it. People we naturally expected to be of

help didn't help. They left him to die until a freelancer came

around and took him and tended to his entire wounds. I

believe you might know this story.

Now I took up this story because many of us, if not all of us

have encountered some thieves in our lives who had stolen

something(s) from us and have left us wounded. Naturally,

most people prefer to focus on themselves and be in a

comfortable situation before helping or showing love to

anyone. Some wounds happened to us as children, some as

teenagers and some as adults. We all have our stories of

past hurts and emotional ups and downs. I know I‟ve got
mine, but here's what I want to address today. Some of you

may be smiling, thinking you are okay, you've gone past it,
nothing hurts you, you don‟t really care but the truth is,
there is a wound within that might be covered and it's

37
secretly rubbing you of your ability to connect and relate
well with others.

For some, you consciously or unconsciously have made

decisions out of pain and it has now formed a mind-set and

for years, you have been running with such unconscious

decision. I hear some people say, I WILL NEVER LOVE A

MAN AGAIN IN MY LIFE! You hear things like: human

beings are not to be trusted: You see wives who cannot

submit to their husbands, young ladies who will never take

instructions from a male figure, a man who can't receive

help from another man let alone a woman. In fact, I see lots

of people who can't give or receive love simply because

they are hurting on the inside. And please, don't think of

anyone else right now because I'm talking to you. We are all
a product of nature and nurture. We are all walking-

wounded. So your experiences in life have made you who

you are today. Good or bad experiences.

38
Now Emotional wounds will affect.
1. How you see yourself – Identity

2. How you respond to other people – Communication

3. How people treat you – Relationship

4. How you react to other people when they touch your

pain – Response

5. How you see God – Worship

So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to show you

some attitudes/behaviours that we express when we are

wounded and how to deal with them.

1. Performance driven - always wanting to prove a

point or prove somebody wrong.

2. Domination and control.

3. Angry.
4. Negative thoughts.

5. Moral failure.
6. Depression.
7. Low self esteem.

39
And so on and so forth.
So whenever you see negative behaviour in someone, don‟t

be quick to judge, just know that that person is hurting. Our

behaviour is produced by our feelings and feelings by

thoughts. So whenever you want to deal with behaviour,

trace it to the feelings, and to deal with the feelings, trace

the thought.

1. How you see yourself:

Now some of us at one time have felt:

Alone
Unwanted

Not valuable
That nobody cares

I'm the cause of my family problem

I‟m a bad person

Or you felt,
Dirty or used

40
Forced
Violated

Not good
Unprotected

Been taken advantage of

Life is just hard and painful

Or you've felt,

Rejected
Unloved

Worthless
Thrown away

Or you're the type that your parents had a hard time with

you. You were always yelled at, scolded, always

disapproved, never appreciated for the little you did and it

made you say to yourself: I can't measure up, It's always my

fault, I'm not good enough, I can't do anything right, I'm a
failure, I'm inadequate.

41
Yeah, these are some feelings many people do live with

every day in their hearts and no matter how little you think
it is, they all are wounds. Do you know what follows next

after these feelings? Pain, tears and fear but worst of all is a
decision leading to a corresponding ill action. A teenager

who was sexually abused at 10 is likely to feel dirty,

unprotected, forced and of no good and could lead her to

sexual promiscuity and a complete emotional detachment.

A female child whose parents never complimented or

showed love to her, who were never there, would go with

any guy who makes them feel relevant and beautiful.

There are 4 basic survival needs of every human

- The need to be significant

- Certainty and comfort

- Uncertainty and variety

- Love and connection

42
So when people feel or behave a certain way, it‟s only
because they are trying to meet those needs.

2. How you respond to others.

Have you ever tried to unknowingly shake someone who

has an injury in their palm? What's the usual response?

Withdrawal; the person would quickly pull out their hands

and tend to the wound you just touched. Now what if

someone unknowingly shook you on a palm where you had

a wound? Definitely, you would do the same. You withdraw

from the love expression and focus on yourself so as to

tend to your pain and the other person feels bad for

causing you pain even when the motive was out of love.
Although, they didn't mean to hurt you but because you

were in pain even an act of love becomes a source of more

pain. This is exactly why for some persons, no matter how

much you try to love them; it seems you are hitting a brick
wall. And for some of you reading this book, you know
people have tried to love you, but you've not been able to

43
receive the love because of a mind-set and a wound
secretly running like a program in you. Your emotional

wounds can really affect how you respond to others and it

affects your relationships.

There was a time in my life when I never asked anyone for

help or anything because I always felt stupid and rejected

when I asked for help from someone and they made fun of

me, couldn't help me or said ”no”. So even when there was

someone to help, it was difficult to receive it because I

didn't want to feel insulted or indebted by receiving help. I

told myself, only God can help me with what I need, people

can't, and I don‟t need anyone. That was a lie I believed.

That mind-set made me miss lots of contacts, friends and

connections that would have been a blessing today. But

thanks to God I'm free.

3. It affects how people respond to you.

44
Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by people.
When you are hurting and people know you to have a

certain way of responding to them in some matters, they

will naturally withdraw from you because nobody wants to

touch your wounds and they wouldn't want to get on your

bad side.

When you are hurting, you can't keep friends because

friends will always want to talk to you and do something

about those wounds and because some people cover their

wounds, they become defensive whenever some issues are

raised in the area of their pain. So sometimes, some persons

give up and decide not to talk about it again and leave you
to your fate. I guess probably the reason the good

Samaritan was able to help the wounded man was because

he was unconscious and couldn‟t deny nor resist help for his

wounds. The truth is that covered wounds don't heal. Selah

4. Emotional wounds affects how you see God

45
Many of us think we love God, but God doesn't think the
same. We live in a generation where someone is busy telling

people that he's my son, but the son never says to anyone
that‟s my father. It is impossible to validate your love for

God if you cannot express it with the man you see. Many
people who have had certain negative parental experiences

have actually grown up to see God the way they saw their
abusive father. They are rebellious and are not really able to

submit to spiritual authority. We all, at one point of pain or

the other must have questioned God, his existence or his

ability. Some have asked questions like if you are there, why
did you allow this to happen? For some they ask; why is this

happening?

Some weeks ago I was discussing with a friend and we

started praying. While praying, I didn't know when I said

Please God, I take God beg you. In the midst of the prayer
we both burst into laughter. Now that's me. For somebody
else going through pain, they might not be that modest.

46
I've heard some persons give God ultimatums; „Do it or I‟ll
backslide.‟ Some of you may even be thinking GOD IS

ANGRY WITH YOU, because you know vividly what you‟ve

done, what you've been through, the actions you took

because you were hurting, So many things can make you

believe God is angry with you. So you hold on to the hurts,

the pain and guilt and you hold on to unforgiveness. I need

to make an announcement. GOD IS NOT ANGRY WITH YOU.

He is aware of all the hurts, the pains, you‟ve been through.

He's even aware of the wounds you are covering. And

believe me, He wants to heal you. He wants you to love

again, to trust again, to believe again. He wants you to feel

good about yourself again. You don't have to prove

anything to anybody. If you can get it right with God, you

will get it right with people.

In case you are asking, Tony, how do I know if my wounds

are covered or healed?

47
We‟ll do this quick exercise: Get a pen and a paper, alright.
Write this down and be honest with yourself;

1. Who is it that you blame, hate or are angry at for

what happened to you?

2. What did they do to you?

3. How did it make you feel?

Now here's how you know. After answering those 3

questions, take note of how you are feeling now after

remembering it? If after answering those 3 questions, you

still have any form of negative feelings: anger, depression,

regrets, detachment or decisions leading to withdraw, then

you are still hurting. Healed wounds don't make you feel
pains, they make you feel victorious. Healed wounds

sometimes are like the trophy from a battle won. And in

order to get that feeling of victory, you have got to first:

- Believe that God is not angry with you

- Forgive yourself and get rid of every guilt and shame
- Forgive the person, friend or parent who hurt you.

48
- Receive God's love to love and connect again.

Thank you

Q and A/Comments
- L2L back2back is a HIT

- Wow! I just went through yesterday‟s class again and I am

getting the „rhema‟ from another perspective this morning,

thank you sir.

- Thanks very much Pst. Tony. You‟ve just healed a wounded

heart.

49
CHAPTER 4

You Too Can Lead

You have heard the saying; a great nation is great because

in it you find great people. The question comes to mind,

what makes a person great? Let me put it this way, what

makes YOU great? Selah

A lot of people have their leadership seed locked up simply

because they haven't come to the consciousness of

greatness inside of them. You still see yourself as

inadequate. You believe Barrack can do it, Bill can do it,

every other person can but not you. Why?

It‟s all because YOU ARE JUST TOO CONSCIOUS OF

YOURSELF! You find yourself asking - What will people say?

- What if they laugh at me?

- What if I don't do it up to standard like it should be?

You say „but I‟m not just as good as John.‟But guess what,
the moment you take your attention off yourself and start

50
focusing on someone else's need, you will find a huge
outburst of greatness and fulfilment in you. Write this down:

THE DEATH OF SELF IS THE MANURE FOR THE LEADERSHIP

SEED IN YOU! Selah

Can you remember the last time someone was really

grateful to you, maybe in tears and in your heart you felt,

oh, that was nothing? Ever had such experience? Yeah.

That's the truth. Sometimes people tend to value what you

have inside you more than you who is carrying it. Why?

Because it wasn't yours to keep in the first place. The

greatness in you is not for the keeping, it‟s for the giving.

The problem with some of us is that we feel that what we

have is too small or insignificant for others to value. I want

to use an illustration, please bear with me and don't laugh

too much.

In a man lies thousands of sperm, but it doesn't get him

pregnant, he doesn't feel it's as a burden or weight. But
when just one of that sperm gets into a woman's egg, it

51
changes her life for the next 9 months and beyond. Listen to
me, there is a sperm; yes I said a sperm in you, it will do

nothing significant if left inside you, but in the life of

someone else, it could mean the whole world. I tell you, you

are the answer to someone's business, relationship,

entrepreneurial, family or political need. Whatever sphere of

influence you find yourself, there is a seed in you to meet a

need.

Now here are some questions you need to ask yourself.

What seed are you willing to give into your world? Who and
what are you ready to take responsibility for? If you decide

to unleash one seed and take responsibility for just one

thing, you will be amazed at the difference you will make

and the impact in your world. Like Daniel Otabor said, it‟s
not about the position; it‟s all about the things in life you

are putting back in position. We live in a broken world

where people don't care when they see things that are out
of position, they believe someone somewhere is responsible

52
for putting it back in position. With that kind of mentality,
we will keep walking by and ignoring the brokenness of our

family, our society, our business and even our lives. I know
you want to say that‟s true, because you know one or two

persons who always ignore stuffs for others to take care of,
but actually, you have been ignoring some stuff. There are

things about your life that would have been better if only
you took responsibility for it. Yep.

Friends, here's the truth. Leadership is simply influence.

There is someone's problem out there you can solve with

what is inside you. Simply decide to take responsibility for

your seed and solve someone else‟s problem besides yours.

Look beyond your own issues and seek to help someone

else solve theirs. In that, you will find the courage and
answers to that which you seek. Be someone's miracle

today. You too can lead.

Q&A

53
 - How do you identify someone's problem?
The foundation or one of the most fundamental skills

required in leadership is relationship skills. Now I'm not

saying you go around asking people what their problem is,

but around you, you can definitely see people's

discomforts, you hear complains, you see things out of

position and not rightly placed, there are things you see
and it just angers you and something in you wants to do

something about it. Those are the things you should take
cognisance of.

- How do you discover the particular sperm in u?

There is a process to that of which it isn‟t generic. It is been

said that PASSION + TALENT = PURPOSE. Well, it‟s good for

a start. Find what you are really passionate about, (love to

do, angry about when not properly done) then discover

your talent - what comes naturally to you. Having a Coach

will really help you in this area

54
Comments
- The greatness in you is not for the keeping, it‟s for the

giving; Deep, insightful, useful knowledge and wisdom all

over this room.

- @Tony I'm really glad our paths crossed at such a time at

this. I have been going over tonight‟s lecture and beyond

what everyone has said, the Holy Spirit is ministering more

stuff to me.

- Tony Rocks
- I was greatly impacted guys, thanks so much for this

wonderfully packaged opportunity. God bless you Mr. Tony.

55
CHAPTER 5

Leadership Lessons from the streets

This afternoon, I was in a leadership seminar hosted by

Total Perspective UK. We were being trained on a topic

titled "The Brave Ones". Just before the seminar started, the

facilitator asked a very simple but interesting question. He

simply asked "What is leadership?" I thought I was going to

hear some answers that will blow my mind or at least make

me write something new in regarding the definition of

leadership, but I was surprised to hear the things I heard.

You needed to hear definitions. Then it struck me.

How do we expect people to clearly deliver what they

cannot even define? In almost every sphere of influence,

you need good leadership to be effective. Even a bad leader

needs good leadership to be effective.

When a blind man leads another blind man, yes we all know
they will both fall into a ditch, but it took good leadership

56
to lead (influence) the other blind man to follow until he too
fell into the same ditch. So, whether or not you are having

that sense of leadership, whether you see yourself as a

leader or not, whether you are giving the orders or you are

at the receiving end, everyone needs leadership skills to be

effective in his/her endeavour. So be frank with yourself,

wherever you are sitting, standing, walking and reading this.

Answer these questions? What are you doing to become a

better leader? What are you doing to equip yourself with

the appropriate leadership skills?

I have been researching for some months now, asking

questions, and seeking to know more about myself and

about leadership. I have been exposed to leadership for

over 16 years, but in the last few months, I have begun to

see this leadership thing from a whole different perspective.

Let me start by giving you these tips, they will help you.

57
  Just because you are a leader in position does not
make you an effective leader.

 Knowledge does not make the leader, it takes more

than what you know about leadership

 Just because you know leaders, read leadership

books, acquired some certifications and received

some level of appraisal for some skill set, does not

make you effective in leadership, it takes more.

Over the months, I have had certain encounters that made

me question the balance between what I know and what I

actually do. That's the challenge many of us face in our

leadership, we try to do what we know is right and should

be done in order to produce certain results, but we find

resistance from the people who are supposed to back us up.

And based on the resistance we become frustrated, not

knowing what to do; we begin to ask ourselves questions

on how to get through to these kinds of persons. In the
process of thinking through situations like those I‟ve

58
mentioned, I came up with the following lessons, which I
call leadership lessons from the streets.

But first, let me say something about the streets. „The

streets‟ is the place where people don't really care about

who you are or what you've achieved. As a matter of fact,

they are unaware of your accomplishments or the strength

of your vision. And if you make any attempt to share these

with them thinking it will earn you their respect, things may
turn out worse. „The streets‟ is made up of the kind of

people who don't see your spirituality, faith or beliefs as

relevant enough to convince them to have a second

thought. Simply put, „the streets‟ only sees and knows you
for what you are doing now.

It sees only the present. It answers to the now. This may not
make sense to you now, but think of it, 80% of your

confidence as a leader comes from what you have done and

achieved over time. By default, you expect that when people

59
see your records, they can give you some level of credibility
based on it. That's the normal expectation.

But you must understand, what you see as normal is not the
normal in „the streets‟, they have their own definition,

standards, focal point and so your standards for

measurement differ from theirs.

So if you try to convince/win/influence them based on your

own scale, you will have just an audience of one. So as a

leader, seeing that all I have done and accomplished over

the years doesn't really count and yet I have to exercise

leadership anyways, I had to change my perspective and

approach. First, I stopped expecting people to interpret and

do things that they haven't been trained or empowered to

do. I discovered that I wasn't getting anywhere by placing

demands where I haven't made any investments personally.

For God's sake, it‟s the streets; you don't expect them to be
like you: life and environment has shaped them and their
mind is set in ways you can only imagine. So if you want to

60
make that mind shift, here are some lessons that will help
you.

1. „The streets‟ is selfish - If what you are bringing to

the table does not have some form of benefits to it, it

is never interested. And if you are trying to take out

something, it will fight you, not necessarily because

of what you are taking away, but it is fighting to

retain the benefits of what you are trying to take

away.

2. „The streets‟ does not really care- the street doesn‟t

really care about what you know until it sees you

really care about it. You don't bombard it with

instructions, demands or telling people in it how you

want things done or how you want them to deliver.

No. You will never get the response you expect. You

must go the extra mile and I mean the extra mile to

look beyond its weaknesses and selfishness and
everything you hate about it and see the needs

61
 instead of the faults. When „the streets‟ sees you are
really keen about its needs more than your

expectations, it will listen to you.

3. You need patience for the streets - Personally, I have

low tolerance for foolishness and nonsense. And so

when I see people exhibiting any of these traits, I try

to correct them and when I am not seeing the results

I expect, I log off. But lately, I‟ve learnt that it takes

the virtue of patience to actually lead. A leader who

wants to make impact on the streets must not only;

- Be wise to sell benefits

- Care so as to win hearts

- But also be patient to teach.

You need enough of patience to train, train and

retrain, demonstrate and model what you want to

see in them. „The streets‟ may be slow to learn, but

once it does, its commitment to you and your

leadership will be unquestionable.

62
So if you are reading this and there's someone around you
whom you have given up on, maybe because you have tried

all you can to make him think differently, to live differently,

or you have tried to upgrade their level of thinking to that

of excellence but your attempts have all failed and you feel
like writing them off, I challenge you to challenge yourself

today to see how you can approach them with what you
have learnt today. Speak their language, get to know their

heart and you‟ll be surprised you both have more things in

common than you thought. You may be the only person

who could actually reach that person; all you have to do is

not to try harder, but try differently. Challenge yourself and

tell yourself that I can win the streets. I can win the lanes; I
can win my world for true leadership is exercised in the

streets not on a seat.

63
CHAPTER 6

Lead the Future

I speak to a lot of coaches, speakers who have their

platforms on camp grounds, Whatsapp, Facebook and

others. And you will agree with me that ever since you
accepted the responsibility of giving what you have to

impact your generation, it‟s not been as easy as you

thought. The books you had to read, the seminars you had

to attend, the tough questions you had to ask, decisions

you had to make and the consistency in being disciplined

simply because you wanted to be at your best in both

delivering and giving quality content. And Yes, I know it isn‟t

easy being good at what you do. Simply put, it isn‟t easy
been successful. A lot of hard work is being put into it but

here's the big question: what‟s the point of your success if

someone cannot sit on it and do greater things? What‟s the

64
point of your success if you can‟t be successful in having a
successor?

Many of you must have come across organisations, families,

churches and ministries that lost their sense of direction

when they lost their founding leader. Why is that? It is

because sometimes leaders succeed in the place of

empowering themselves to lead and can be successful but

fail in the place of empowering others, not only to succeed

as leaders but on ”how to” empower someone else to

succeed as leaders. Yes “how to”, very important. It's one

thing to tell people about what to do. It's another thing for

them to actually know “how to” do it. And I've seen leaders
who get frustrated simply because they suddenly discover

that their successor is not as successful as expected because

they couldn't raise a successor for themselves. Many great

leaders die and all they ever stood for is lost to the wind. In
Lead the future, I'm going to help us understand some key

65
points in empowering people who can actually empower
others so your impact will forever be remembered.

1. FOCUS ON TEACHING THE PRINCIPLES NOT THE

RESULTS
This is very important in building leadership in others.

People need to understand the why before what in other

for them to remain loyal to a course. Yes, sometimes you

get people to do things without letting them know the why.

That can pass for a while, they will do it because you are the

leader, the boss or you‟re in charge. But knowing what to

do isn't enough to drive people to do them. They've got to

understand the why.

Why do I have to read fifty books in a year?

Why do I have to attend all these events?

Why do I need to be up at 4AM in the morning?

Why do I really have to set goals?

Why do I have to be committed to this personal
development?

66
Why, why and why?
Until you make them understand why, the impact of your

leadership will be temporary. People are more committed to

a course when they see the relevance of that course and the

consequence of their inaction to it. In trying to make people

understand why, you should find yourself teaching

principles. In life we have causes and effects. Everything falls

under causes and effects. Focusing on results, telling them

what to do, doing everything yourself, is you feeding them

with the finished product. You may celebrate together but

you have not empowered them with the necessary

information and tools to prepare that same finished

product. On the other hand, focusing on principles, is first

letting them understand why, how to and involving them in

the process.

2. BUILD YOUR LEADERSHIP AROUND A VISION NOT

YOURSELF

67
In the five levels of leadership, the third level is where
people follow because of what you have for the

organisation; this reveals your levels of competence and

your ability to deliver. People naturally follow people who

are courageous and successful in their field. So yes, you‟ve

got some followers. Good. You‟ve got some good number

of group members, you‟ve got some audience, fans that

cheer for you and compliment you on what you do. But ask

yourself, do these guys only follow me because of me, or

they follow me because of what I stand for, what I believe

in? It would shock you to know that many members of staff

in an organisation do not even know the vision of the

organisation let alone internalise it. Don't get me wrong, At

first people may come in because of you, your ability, your

charisma and all that, but as a leader with posterity in mind,

your job is to move them from been just committed to you

to been committed to the vision you stand for.

3. CLEARLY ARTICULATE YOUR SPIRIT

68
Every great leader has a spirit. And by spirit, I don't mean
faith or babe or whatever spirit means in your area. By spirit

I mean, your culture. Certain attitudes you can be reckoned

with. Every great leader must not only cultivate a culture,

but clearly articulate it to those they is leading. That spirit

must be seen everywhere, anywhere they are represented.

There are certain persons, when you see their level of

excellence; you know exactly where they are from. Some are

identified by their dressing, language, creativity, friendship,

boldness, etc. To lead the next generation, you must

cultivate a spirit and clearly articulate it in such a way your

people buy in and exhibit it as well.

I will give you five summarised processes of empowerment

as given by John C. Maxwell.

Empowering others to empower others is not complete

until you complete this circle.

69
1. I do it - you must be able to excellently do
whatsoever you want your people to do that they

admire you and are willing to learn from you.

2. I do it and someone is watching - In that confidence

in your ability, whatsoever it is, this stage involves

you having someone learning from you and picking

your brain as to why and how you do what you do,

what's the process behind the scene.

3. You do it and I am watching - in this stage, you allow

them take the lead while you watch them do what

you've always done, they put to practice what they‟ve

learnt from behind the scene.

Note - this is one of the most difficult phases,

because only leaders with a healthy self-esteem and

feel secure in who they are will allow others get to

this phase.

4. You do it - In this stage, you are now confident that

they can deliver and produce the same results and

70
 even better results and then people are admiring
them and willing to learn from them.

5. You do it and someone else is watching - This is the

last stage and most important stage of

empowerment, here you ensure that not only were

they able to learn from you, they are able and secure

enough to teach that which they have learnt from

you to someone else.

71
CHAPTER 7

Good Success – Purpose Journey

I realized that everyone is on a journey of some sort, some

move with a sense of direction while others are just in

motion without really knowing why they are moving or

where they are going to. That‟s what we usually refer to as

just existing and not living; we are not truly living until we
have a sense of direction for our lives. That direction will

shape our decisions, our choices and determine our values.

So we have heard people say hey, do what you love. Follow

your passion. Entrepreneurship is the only way to wealth.

Many ask the questions, what is your purpose? What's your

passion? These questions are probably the most asked

questions by public speakers and pastors.

Some go further to say; follow your passion, do what you

love to do, there's greatness inside of you. And all the

motivational speeches you can think about. Yes. All these

72
are good talk. Good motivation. Good speeches. Trust me, I
love motivation. They are essential for life. I've heard some

people say motivational speeches don‟t last, because after

some time the effect fades away. Yes, you are right. That‟s

why you need it every day. If as powerful as the scriptures

are it can still be recommended for daily study, how much

more motivational speeches? Selah

See there are three sets of people in this passion circle.

1. Those that had an idea, started and fell.

2. Those that have ideas and are yet to start.

3. Those that have no idea at allˆ

Well, for now I'm going to be focusing mainly on number 1

and a little of number 2.

What is Passion?

73
Passion in simple terms is an intense desire or enthusiasm
for something. Synonyms for passion are fire, heat, energy,

emotion, etc. At some point in your life, there was

something you saw yourself enjoy doing and willing to do it

all day without considering the benefits to you. You just did
it and enjoyed the fact that it was something that added

value to someone else and you loved the fact that you
could make someone else feel good about themselves. You

were happy someone was grateful to God because of you.

Yes I know there's that something you loved to do so much

or something that gets to you and angers you when it's not
done right. I believe you know what I mean and I believe

you've got passion for something at one time or even now.

It is common for people to take that desire and form a

business out of it. So ....

You love to sing, so you want to be a musician.

You love to speak, so you want to be a public speaker.

You‟re passionate about children, so you want to start up a
day care centre.

74
You‟re passionate about relationships, so you want to
become a relationship coach.

Wait a minute please. There‟s is more to you than just doing

what you love to do. Or building a business around it and

that is your *WHY* of why you're doing what you're doing.

Yeah, you may say oh, I've heard that before. But here's the
truth. You think you know your why until I ask you to write

it down. It will shock you to know that you will have a

minute of silence trying to write the why of what you are

doing.
Why do you want to start that business?

Why do you want to be the next ***?

Here's an analogy. Imagine a man driving down a lonely

highway, he loves driving so much and luckily for him, he is

driving a red Ferrari. He is a superb driver, he knows his way

around his ride. So yeah, he sets out on the road, drives for

75
hours and hours enjoying himself, cruising the highway for
hours and hours.

Two questions come to mind;

1. Where is he going?

2. Why is he going there?

Now he keeps driving and all of a sudden he runs out of gas

in the middle of nowhere. He's stuck. Yes he loves to drive.

But can't find the fuel to keep driving and has no clue of

where to get some. He sits in the car thinking of what to do.

Many passionate people are like this guy. Stuck in an

assignment, asking questions about how they can start

moving again. But I'm following my passion, how can I be

stuck when I am following my passion? Why don't I feel the

energy and love for this assignment like I used to?

Questions begin to arise here and there.

Here are some thoughts about passion.

1. Passion is simply the fuel for your assignment.
2. Passion is to be used not followed.

76
 3. Passion is not constant, sometimes it‟s high,
sometimes it‟s low and sometimes like the gas in the

car, it can run out. So do the things that refuel your

passion

4. Passion will not take you to your destination, only a

well-executed assignment in the line of purpose can

take you to your destinstion.

So guys, my action point for you right now is to;

1. Rediscover the WHY for doing what you do.

Especially for those of you who feel like giving up on your

assignment because maybe you got tired, you didn't find

the encouragement to go on. Last year October, my system

and my phone memory card crashed and I lost my valuable

documents including my manuals, training materials and all

the write-up on my company LECHAD and the inspiration

behind Lead2Lead. I felt the loss and I gradually began to

forget why I started the group and why I was doing what I
was doing. So things became blurry, I focused only on my

77
corporate job and began to lose out on a lot of stuff. Few
weeks ago, I began to feel the frustration more and more

and I began seeking and seeking. I then found some

manuals I wrote and sent to my friends via email. I was able

to recover some of my documents, then it got better, I went

through my old dairy where I wrote everything about

LECHAD and Lead2Lead. And believe me I felt a huge rush

within me, I felt passion rising again. I began to remember

why I started all this in the first place. I began to see the
consequence on the society if I don‟t do what I‟m supposed

to do.

My why started getting clearer to me. And guess what,

you‟re reading my book today.

The only way the man stuck in the car will ever get off the
car and find a way to get gas for the car is if he remembers

why he set out for that long journey in the first place. It may
be to see his beloved, to seal a business deal. Something

78
somehow must be in view. Your why is why you will rise
again. Your why will keep you growing.

2. Re-evaluate your company and activities

If all the people around you daily are low thinkers, low
achievers and small minded people, it doesn't matter how

big your dream is, they will shrink it to their size. You must
deliberately surround yourself with purpose driven people

who are moving at the speed you intend to move. I had to

listen to some persons who asked me questions as to what

really is happening and so on, and just talking to them

stirred up the passion in me to carry on. Also you must

evaluate your everyday activities, what are the things that

drain you and what are the things that energize you. Do

more of your energy givers and less of your energy drainers.

Whether it be activities or people call the shots. Then get

feedback from those you serve. Ask them questions. Let

them tell you how you've been a blessing to them. I know
the encouragement I get when I read through most of the

79
feedback from my previous trainings and knowing how
much it has changed their lives with tangible proofs and not

mere words. Trust me guys, your testimonial is a good way

to encourage anyone who blesses you. Practicing and

seeing the results of a teaching brings so much joy to the

teacher and it empowers them to do more as it has done to

me. So seek feedback, it will help you

3. Give out of what you have

Yes you are not where you want to be, you're struggling to

gain some passion and you may be stuck. But never allow
your present predicament to stop you from helping others

rise. For where you are now, someone is dreaming to be

there. So help people up even on your way up. Give out of

what you have and what you can.

4. Set structures for accountability

Many great minds don't become great men because they
lack the humility to subject themselves to be disciplined.

80
See, you must have someone whom you are accountable to.
When you set a goal, let somebody know about it (someone

with sense o). So when you fail, attach a consequence for

defaulting and when you succeed, attach a reward too for

succeeding.

5. Dance to the audience of one

Guys, as much as we love to have people encourage us and

tell us how we've been a blessing to them. Sometimes,

people around you may just be trying to pull you to the

ground. They will deliberately want to drain the life outta

you and say discouraging things to you. In this case, you

must understand that ultimately you dance to the audience

of one which is your creator that gave you an assignment to

fulfil.
Sometimes you may not feel like doing it, sometimes you

may just take some things casual and be okay receiving pay
checks where as deep inside you, you know what you are
supposed to be doing. Friend, you wouldn't want to

81
succeed and at it end you discover you‟ve been busy
running someone else's race. So I urge you, draw strength

from knowing that you are in the will of your Maker and no
man‟s opinion should define you as who you are or what

you should do.

Ladies and gentlemen

My name is Tony Okpere Jr.

I'm your Leadership Coach

Thank you for having this date with me today.

I love and appreciate your support.

Q&A/Comments

- God bless you my brother for sharing from your

bowel of wisdom

- This blessed me Sir. Exactly what I need right now.

God bless you.

- I only went through the class now, Great content and

delivery. God bless you Tony
- You sparked a fire inside me.

82
 - Great stuff, amazing delivery. Thank you for who you
are and all that you represent.

God bless you bro.

83
CHAPTER 8

Loving the Man in the Mirror

Moments with Jennifer Iwuoha

Who is the man in the mirror? The man/woman in the

mirror is you. You need to love you before you can love
others or imbibe value into others. Now what is love? We all

have our different definitions of the word „Love‟. But I'll

leave us to answer that self-love is a way of relating to

yourself that does not involve harshly judging or punishing

yourself for every mistake you make or every time someone

does better than you. It could also mean loving oneself

unconditionally. Let's go into the bible. The greatest

commandment is to love your neighbour as you love

yourself. What this means is that you can't give what you

don't have. You can't love another when you don't love
yourself.

84
I'll be talking to us on low self-esteem, factors that
contribute to low self-esteem, inferiority complex and

building your self-esteem.

What is low self-esteem?

It‟s believing that there is something innately wrong with

you.
Factors that cause low self-esteem include;

- self-pity
- Lack of confidence

- Physical factors
- Appearance

I‟ll be sharing my personal experience.

Few years ago before I got admission into the university I

had issues with myself. I had serious low self-esteem. I

always had this feeling that there was something wrong

with me. I couldn't discuss properly with others for fear of

not saying the right thing. Even when I tried to I was
constantly humiliated and downgraded. I felt I had nothing

85
to offer. Sometimes I felt so empty. When I entered into the
university it became tougher and I had to hide my true

personality, I was seen as shy and dull especially in year one.

After my first year, I went home and I confided in my

younger brother. One thing we should realize is that no one

is too young or old for you to learn from. He helped me

work on myself. I bought books and I read as though it was

an exam. I put so much effort that I can say I‟m proud of it

today. You need to get out of that self-pity syndrome and

work on yourself.

Note: Shame and self-criticism lead to inner rebellion.

Lack of confidence, workaholic syndrome, constantly

looking for other people‟s approval and doing so much for

so little are all indicators of a low self-esteem. When you

don't believe in you no one else will. In our society today,

we see a lot of people living in false fallacy simply because

86
they have refused to accept who they really are. Self-esteem
means believing in one‟s capability.

How to boost your self esteem

- Identify your weakness

- Challenge the negative story about yourself

- Learn from others‟ mistakes

- Forgive yourself

To improve yourself you need to;

- Manage your weakness

- Be real

Self-love / self-esteem can lead to;

- Less anxiety and depression

- More optimism
- Better recovery from stress
- Better adherence to healthy behaviour.

87
You need to ask yourself this question: WHO AM I?

When you answer this question sincerely and accurately,

then you‟ll be able to appreciate you better. We are all

uniquely different; no one is born same with another.

Realize it‟s all about you and no one else. Each time you

look at the mirror, who do you see? Yourself of course! Love

that person you see, take care of the image you see,

pamper the image you see, educate the image you see,
don't put the image in harm‟s way. Buy nice fragrance

(perfume) for that image; give that image a clean haircut, or

a nice weave. Treat that image the way that you want

people to treat him/her. Create an enviable standard for

that image. Statistics has proven that people who love

themselves are likely to function more effectively in life.

Remember no one can love you better than you.

Moments with Cynthia Bryte Chinule

88
I‟m going to be sharing on self-love and increasing your
personal value. Self-love has to do with;

1. The way God sees you as a person

2. Accepting the abilities he has given you.

3. Acknowledging that his strength is made perfect in

your 'weakness'.

4. Being YOU

Being Me!
I will share some experiences I‟ve had. In my secondary

school, people became obviously taller than I was, some

were admired as being prettier and I just wondered what

made me the way I was. I wasn‟t growing so tall like them,

and was shy of my personality. I loved to laugh a lot and I

remember when a classmate told me I looked like an old

woman when I smiled with my teeth open, so she advised I

changed the way I smile. I started smiling with my mouth

closed. Self-pity started setting in. I became shy and
withdrawn.

89
One day, I was in a church service and the Pastor shared

about how we are beautifully made. I was convinced

beyond doubt. I decided to accept myself the way I was. I

started smiling with the teeth open, not minding who

taught it made me look old. Once I embraced my beauty

and loved myself the way I was made, I was happier. Shortly,
people complemented me and lots of people started

complementing my smile. Today, my most beautiful pictures

are those taken with open-teeth smiles.

So I asked myself one day, was the person who told me I

looked old blind? People will ALWAYS have their opinion

about who you should be, what you should study, where

you should work, and maybe when you should breathe. You
will love yourself more if you are YOU. You are not trying to

please people or live up to anyone‟s standards. Love

yourself enough to go for your happiness, regardless of
people‟s opinion, provided you have analysed their opinion

90
to see if it is truthful and should be taken. People will not
really celebrate you or your choices till they see you 'win'.

I remember when I developed love for Mathematics, as

against being a doctor everyone wanted me to be. Everyone

thought I was crazy.... They were like you need to study a

professional course.... What job will you do with

Mathematics? And so on.

I put on deaf ears because I knew I will suffer as a doctor. I

knew myself well and loved myself enough not to try to

please people. Yes I was an intelligent kid but I didn't like

biology. Studying and passing it usually sucked some of my

blood. I was an average biology student; I dreaded studying

it but was an excellent Mathematics student and could

study it for hours. I chased my dream to become a

Mathematician, despite all pressure. I graduated with a first

class and came out as the best graduating student in

Mathematics from my University. That‟s asides all other
awards, scholarships and the international funded travel I

91
received as a student. Guess what? Now, everyone calls me
a Mathematician. They now see my choice was better. They

have now seen the professionalism they were looking for.

No one knows you better than you know yourself.

One reason people tend to hate themselves or feel like they

don‟t love themselves is because they are trying to fit in,

when they have been called to stand out. One thing that

can help you love yourself is success in your dreams. Living

your dreams gives you a fulfilling life. Success is not for

weak people. It‟s for people who are firm in their pursuit. A
good practise of self-love is helping people see the good in

them. Letting people see the good in them will make you
see yours faster. Helping people achieve their dreams will

help you achieve yours faster. When you look in the mirror
and you see someone who has fought the battles of

wanting to fit in, the battles of peer pressure and the battles
of self-pity, you will see yourself as a strong person. You will

92
love yourself and celebrate yourself. I do hope that
someone, in turn, will help another person love themselves.

Tony, people will see you the way you see yourself. People

will value you based on the value you place on yourself. No

one will pay you anything beyond the capacity of your self-

perception. So in order to change how people treat/see

you, see yourself differently by re-introducing you to

yourself. For your self-love to take a new level, you must

settle the issue of identity. Take out time to define and

describe what you want the world to say and call you. Never
let the world define you but personally write your story in

blood and let the world tell it.

Some tips.
Manage what gives you emotional satisfaction: If you

know compliments get to you, then give yourself some,

whatever you know tickles your fancy, manage it properly
because people usually gain advantage over you with the

93
things you need. Speak your love language to yourself so
it‟s not news when someone speaks it to you. Be guided

enough to reward yourself with emotional investment.

Sources of value
Maker - Who made you?

Rareness - How rare are you?

Purpose - Are you with a purpose?

Price - What‟s the price for your soul?

Relationship - What is your most treasured relationship?

Longevity - How long would you live?

Answer these questions; it will reveal something to you. If

you can, answer it here and now, that‟ll be great.

Q & A/Comments

- I don't celebrate people anyhow but I must say that

you have touched me from a distance.
- Do you think 'poverty' can lead to low self-esteem?

94
 - Don't you think being an orphan (like someone who
lost his/her parents at neonate stage) can lead to low

self-esteem?
- Do you think maltreatment can lead to low self-

esteem?

Yes poverty can lead to low self esteem

Yes all the aforementioned factors can lead to low self-

esteem if not properly handled

I will like to add something, sometimes circumstances drive

us to discover our potentials in life. Poverty can be a driving

factor to discovering yourself worth.

95
Meet the Author
Tony Okpere Jr. is a well-respected and sought after

leadership and personal effectiveness Coach. His drive and

pursuit for excellence earned him the pet name “Mr

Excellence”. He is the Lead Facilitator of LECHAD; a

leadership and personal development Academy, Convener

of the Lead2Lead Initiative; a platform designed to inspire

and empower youths to embrace self-leadership causing

them to always look within for solutions rather than external

factors. He is a corporate Emcee, Host, Entrepreneur, public

speaker and an author

He helps individuals discover, grow and excellently deploy

their leadership capacity for global relevance.

His experience in management and leadership in corporate,

social and religious organisations has given him the

credibility as an authority, a voice and mentor to thousands

of young people through his various platforms.

He is exceptional in the field of consulting and training;
employing cutting edge technology and techniques, he

96
drives the message home with his unique speaking skills. He
brings out the best in every one of his client.

He is committed to see you reach for your best without

losing your truth and your identity.

Speak with Tony today via:

Email: teeokpere@gmail.com

Facebook: Tony Okpere Jr

Twitter/Inst: @TonyOkpereJr

Let‟s connect:

I would love to hear from you,

Let me know how much this book has helped you.

97