Trainer Try-Out Report

1.
Trainer Try-Out
SENTENCE STRUCTURE TEXT STRUCTURE
& PUNCTUATION & ORGANISATION
The shoes which I tried on for the shoe were ok. They brief introduction (B2)
simple connectives were good for sport and all the things which you do in
(A2) sport but all the rubber on the end of the shoe carrys
on coming off and it gets very hard to run if your
whereing a shoe like that when your doing sport.
accurate sentence
demarcation (A2) some divisions help with
The shoe lase carry on coming un done too . So if the
basic content grouping
comma supports shoe shop sold them to somels and they were doing (B2), but continuation
sentence division of topic later on
running or some thing to do with sport, they cound fall
(above A2) weakens effect
over and hurt there selves. (below B2)
modals (A2)
It’s maded out of different materials and they are,

letter for the top bit of the shoe rubber for the end of
the shoe which gives you the grip on the floor.
reference builds up
hard spundge which the rubber goes under. Last of all connection (B2)
simple adverbials the shoe lase to trie up your shoe but it’s not very
(A2)
good. I think they cound improve by getting harder
glue to stick down so that the rubber will not come off.
incomplete
sentences To not get the shoe lases to be so slippey so that they
(below A2)
come un done not so easly.
noun phrases with The shoe is light blue and a dark blue and white stripe
limited expansion
going down the middle. There are small tips going
(A2)
alone the end of the shoe
SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

Summary
Evidence of some sentence variation in the form of simple adverbials and expanded noun
phrases supported by mostly accurate sentence demarcation leads to Band A2. Development of
incomplete sentences to clarify meaning necessary for award of higher mark in the band.
Band A2 – 2 marks
COMPOSITION & EFFECT

• Report includes some explanation (so that the rubber will not come off), although in
places coverage limited to description (light blue and a dark blue and white stripe) (C2).
• Writer’s view of the trainers not consistent (They were good for sport / they cound fall
over and hurt there selves) (below C2).
• Some informative word choice (hard spundge, slippey); other vocabulary is general
(sport, good) (C2).
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Summary
Presentation of ideas as a simple report on the trainers, with some development of explanation
and use of detail, provides sufficient evidence for award in Band C2. For a higher mark in the
band, the writer’s attitude to the shoes would need to be more clearly expressed.
Band C2 – 3 marks
TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

Summary
Use of an introductory sentence and some division of content gives the text basic structure and
suggests award in Band B2. Although there is some connection through reference, further
evidence of grouping ideas (for example, a continuous section on shoe laces) would be
necessary for higher mark in the band.
Band B2 – 2 marks
2. Trainer Try-Out
correct sentence I like the shape and the colours, ecspacally the grip it
demarcation (A2)
was amazing I like the fake lacis. I think youv’e done
really well and I hope you sell them soon because I
want some. The detail is ok but thats not so bad.
commas in list (A2)
They are good for: football, running, rounders, rugby divisions between
and cricket. There grip is good on wet grass and dry sections indicated (B2)
simple subjects and

grass and on hill climbing. I went to football training
verbs used with them I scored quite a lot of goles. The next day
repetitively (A2) developed section
I went to my running club, i was the slowest until I had
(above B2)
those trainers. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I tapt
the ball at rounders and legged it round and found a
whole rounder. For rugby I scored 10 trys and 10 drop
simple adverbials
(A2) kicks everybody was amazed by this. Next was cricket
that was pretty good although I got tripped up I never
got caught out.
use of pronoun instead
The only bad things were that you needed to put more of ‘the trainers’ weakens
modals (A2)
comefort in, they need to looke more sporty because reference within sections
(below B2)
my friend started saying I was being stupid and also
you might need to put side lasis on them, and make
them thinner because there a bit to chunky at the top.
simple joining (A2)

I will thankyou for letting me borrow the trainers and
concluding statement
for me to test them out and when your done i will be (B2)
glad if you could sell some to me and my friends.
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Summary
Use of modals and simple adverbials, together with simple joining and the repetitive use of
subjects and verbs indicates Band A2. The higher mark is confirmed by sufficient evidence of
full stops and capital letters to demarcate sentences and the use of commas in a list.
Band A2 – 3 marks

• Several aspects of the trainers are considered, with some examples (I went to football
training with them); content development in first section not sustained (C2).
• Writer expresses mainly positive views about the trainers (I like the shape and the
colours) (C2).
• Some detail included (side lasis, to chunky); informal style (legged it round, your done)
dominates over more formal language (There grip is good on wet grass) (C2).
Summary
This report includes coverage of different points with some development, including a recount of
the writer’s experiences with the trainers. These features, supported by some detail, lead to the
top mark in Band C2. Balance of content and greater stylistic consistency would be necessary
for award in the next band.
Band C2 – 5 marks

Summary
Division of the text into sections and a concluding statement gives basic overall structure and
suggests award in Band B2. Although internal reference is not secure, the inclusion of a
developed section of content justifies the higher mark in the band. Evidence of an introduction
and maintenance of reference within sections necessary for award in higher band.
Band B2 – 3 marks
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3. Trainer Try-Out
I have been wearing the new trainers for a week and I introduction followed
by sections
expanded noun feel that overall they are pretty good. I have been able contributes to whole
phrases (A3) to use them for all of my outdoor activities. text organisation (B3)
When I went bike riding the trainers were comfy and

easy to do up. They didn’t hurt my feet and were a
adverbials (A3) good fit.
At school in the sports lesson I thought they were

okay but weren’t as fast as my other trainers, but I
correct use of
omission could still run and jump and do everything I needed to.
apostrophes
(above A3) When I went to the park with my friends I thought that connection
they were okay but good because although I went in maintained through
references (B3)
correct demarcation the mud they didn’t get that dirty because they weren’t
(A3) white.
topic of ‘trainer
I think that the colours and design was good because
repetition of design’ expanded
subjects and verbs they look really fashionable. I think that the stripe within the paragraph
(below A3) down the side is great and all my friends want a pair. (B3)
I think that the design is the best bit about them but
they’re also good for sports. Although they aren’t very
fast you can still do the basic things like running,
jumping and skipping.
subordinating
connectives (A3) I would give these trainers an eight out of ten. A good
way to emprove the new shoes is to make them topic of
‘improvements’
comma in place of a faster, when I’m in my normal trainers I am quicker developed within the
full stop (below A3) paragraph (B3)
than when I’m in the new ones. I also think that for
younger children you could change the laces for
something a bit easier for them to use. conclusion weakened
by repetition
I would give these trainers 8 / 10. (below B3)

Summary
Although there is some repetition of sentence openings and comma use is not secure, support
for Band A3 is evident in the use of adverbials, expanded noun phrases and subordination.
Accurate placement of commas to mark some divisions in developed sentences would be
necessary for higher mark in band.
Band A3 – 4 marks
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• Points developed with examples of trainer use (When I went to the park) and justification
(the stripe down the side is great) (C3); some repetition of points weakens coverage
(weren’t as fast / quicker than when I’m in the new ones) (below C3).
• The writer’s reasoned approach is evident (you can still do the basic things) (C3); some
consideration of another viewpoint (for younger children you could change the laces)
(above C3).
• Informative style includes some generalisation (outdoor activities, fashionable) (C3).
Summary
The writer’s opinions are expanded with relevant examples and suggestions, which results in a
developed report on the trainers’ suitability and leads to an award in Band C3. Less repetition of
content at the end of the report would be necessary for award of the highest mark in the band.
Band C3 – 7 marks

Summary
Evidence of topic development within paragraphs supports organisation of sections and suggests
Band B3; this is confirmed by the use of reference and a logical overall structure. A more secure
conclusion would be necessary for award of the higher mark in the band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
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4. Trainer Try-Out
Dear Sir,
The trainers were great, I tried them out and I really
liked them. It seemed like I could run faster that I have overall text structure:
ever ran before, like I could jump higher than I had introduction (B3)
ever jumped before. I also think I became more
subordination (A3)
popular at athletics class. paragraph development:
content developed
The special features are so cool espeicialy the sound around a topic (B3)
comma to separate and lights. At first the sound made me jump when I
clauses (A3) started running along the running track, but now I’m
used to them. I think they are totally cool. The 24
expanded noun carrot gold tounge was my favourite and the gold Nike
phrases (A3) tick. The colours were a bit dull but they were ok in the
end. The jagged slots on the bottom of the shoe
meant I didn’t fall over once. Its good that there was
seethrough plastic around the rim of the shoe so you sequenced points (B3)
see the nitro lights.
They are definetly suitable for sports and leisure
adverbials (A3) activities. The extra grip, bouncy rim of the shoe, and
the slimline shape make it all the better.
Although there is room for improvment like the style
needs to be improved the flick up at the shoe needs to
varied modals (A3) be flatter to make it even faster. Also the coulours
were a bit origanal they could be more imaginative conventional phrase
integrated into text,
instead of the every day silver and red.
supporting structure
On the whole they were a great new type of trainer. It (B3)
accurate was a great expierience for me and I would love to
demarcation (A3) conclusion (B3)
have some of my own someday. I think you will have
a great time selling these and you will make a lot of
money. Thankyou for letting me try them out and good
luck.
Yours faithfully,
[name]

Summary
Use of subordination, adverbials, expanded noun phrases and varied modals suggests Band A3;
mainly accurate sentence demarcation and a comma to mark division within the sentence justify
the higher mark. Further use of varied connectives necessary for award in the next band.
Band A3 – 5 marks
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• Balanced coverage includes developed points about several aspects of the trainers
(special features, improvment) (C3).
• The writer maintains a positive approach and gives helpful advice (the shoe needs to be
flatter to make it even faster) (C3).
• Descriptive detail (seethrough plastic, bouncy rim) supports informative purpose (C3).
Summary
This report provides a consistently detailed review of the trainers’ suitability, combining the
writer’s opinions with suggestions for improvement. These features lead to an award of the
highest mark in Band C3. Adaptation of ideas (for example, consideration of other pupils’ views
or other activities) necessary for award in the next band.
Band C3 – 8 marks

Summary
Grouping of ideas into an introduction, a series of expanded points and a distinct conclusion
gives overall structure to the text and indicates Band B3; evidence of topic development within
sections confirms the higher mark. For award in a higher band, further links between sections
(for example, between introduction and conclusion) would be necessary.
Band B3 – 5 marks
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5. Trainer Try-Out
Dear Mr [name],
My school has been testing a new type of trainer from
your sports shop. This is my opinion.
comma used in
place of full stop
Grip is an asset to every trainer and yours did not fall
(below A4) below average, one person wore a pair of your
trainers and another wore their one trainers. Both relevant development of
people ran ten yards then stopped suddenly. Your ideas within the
trainers only skidded an extra one yard while the other paragraph (B4)
trainers skidded four yards and furthermore, the
wearer fell over backwards. It is clear to say that grip
varied connectives
(A4)
passed with flying colours. relationships between
paragraphs (B4)
The next test we did was strength and permeability.
First, we pulled the sides away from each other until a
rip appeared and on your trainers we measured fifteen
centimetres while on the other trainer we only got to
additional words for twelve. Our other test was permeability. We poured
shades of meaning
water into the shoe until it leaked. Your shoe
(A4)
absorbed one hundred and twenty-five millilitres while
the other one only managed eighty-five. We can
officially say you have chosen the right materials and
range of verb forms have made it waterproof.
(A4)
Unfortunately nothing is perfect and in this case it is
the fact that it needs to be the latest in fashion if it
expansion adds is going to be on every nine to fifteen year old’s
detail (A4) limited paragraph
birthday list!
development (below B4)
The final down side is nothing major but is enough to
put most parents off – the price! In my opinion £29.99
is far too expensive, try lowering it by ten pounds at
the maximum.
range of
punctuation: If you follow my points of improvement , every sports
commas or shoe shop in the country will be desperate to have
dash one in their window!
exclamation mark Yours sincerely,
(A4)
[name]

Summary
Evidence of varied connectives and verb forms, expansion and additional words suggests award
in Band A4; the higher mark is confirmed by the use of a range of punctuation. For Band A5,
further accurate use of commas to support longer sentences would be necessary.
Band A4 – 7 marks
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• Report form adapted to include details of tests (Both people ran ten yards, We poured
water into the shoe) and relevant opinion (needs to be the latest in fashion) (C4).
• Comments suggest informed opinion (Grip is an asset to every trainer); other relevant
viewpoints considered (enough to put most parents off) (C4).
• Precise language supports factual style (permeability, one hundred and twenty-five
millilitres) (C4).
Summary
In this thorough report, the writer’s chosen approach is consistently supported by careful
selection of technical language and presentation of opinions relevant to the shop manager’s
interest. These features lead to an award of the top mark in Band C4. Greater emphasis on the
final point (price) to increase impact would be necessary for the award of Band C5.
Band C4 – 11 marks

Summary
Whole text structure supported by links between paragraphs indicates an award in Band B4.
There is also evidence of the expansion of main ideas within individual sections; however,
weaker paragraph development towards the end of the piece limits the mark to the lower one in
this band.
Band B4 – 6 marks
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6. Trainer Try-Out
This is a report on Ticks Trainers new sports trainers,
purchased from Sam’s Shoes.
I found that the trainers material was satisfactory and

comfortable. The new fabric has made my sporting
sentence variation: experience worthwhile. The soft material that the tounge paragraphs varied in
developed length and structure
was fasioned from cusioned my shin greatly, and I have
sentence with (B5)
controlled use of found no faults in the material, although I did find that if I
several subordinate stepped in a puddle, my feet got slightly wet.
clauses (A5)
The design of the shoe was beneficial, also, as the small
holes on the top cooled my feet down by allowing air in and
body odour out. The shape of it also made my foot comfortable, paragraph with clear
as, I believe, it is fasioned from a material that gives way to the focus, with content
foot. The laces were a little bit to short, though, and I had to tie organised by contrast
sentence variation: (B5)
them up a lot because they slipped over each other.
short sentence (A5)
The soul of the shoe had a good grip on concrete and
wooden flooring, although slipped a lot on grass. The rubber
material has good friction with the ground.
My personal opinion on the colour choice for the trainer is

focus of sentence that it was a large range of colours. Some of the colours,
varied for emphasis though, would have been stained easily had they been near
(A5) mud or other things.
It was difficult to remove the smell from the trainers and ,

after using several different products and even putting my
trainers in the washing machine, I found that it was
impossible to rid them of their odour.
range of
I suggest you improve the trainers by water proofing them, controlled overall
punctuation for
clarity: giving the laces a rougher surface (therefore increasing the structure:
commas friction), improving the grip on the soul even more, content links back to
brackets previous paragraphs
darkening the colour scheme (to reduce staining) and use
possessive apostrophes (B5)
fabric that will not absorb body odour.
(A5)
Apart from the above, the trainers were completely paragraph sequenced
satisfactory, and I compliment Tick’s Trainers for making by connection to
them and Sam’s Shoes for purchasing and retailing them. previous ideas (B5)

Summary
Controlled use of developed sentences – varied in length and focus to express the writer’s
meaning – supported by a range of punctuation, used almost always consistently, provides
evidence for the top mark (Band A5).
Band A5 – 8 marks
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• Selection of content provides emphasis on positive and negative detail relevant to the
shop manager (small holes on the top cooled my feet down, after using several different
products); informative reflection (had they been near mud or other things) (C5).
• Writer’s thorough explanations of experiences with the trainers are convincing (although
I did find that if I stepped in a puddle, even putting my trainers in the washing machine)
(C5).
• Formal style supports clear expression (impossible to rid them of their odour); technical
language consistently used meaningfully (therefore increasing the friction) (C5).
Summary
The writer’s experiences of using the trainers have been effectively adapted into report form,
offering the shop manager comprehensive coverage and informed opinion. The sustained style
and consistency of approach merit the award of 12 marks (Band C5).

Summary
Individual paragraphs, varied in length and organised in different ways according to purpose,
are carefully placed to create an overall text structure that connects ideas together. These
features support the award of the highest mark (Band B5).
Band B5 – 8 marks
7. A Busy Place
SENTENCE STRUCTURE PUNCTUATION &
TEXT STRUCTURE
swimming pool
its very noisey you could easily get a headache
repetition of there is a lot of people here its very very crowded
subjects and verbs
(D2) aswell. its loud there’s a lot of shouting across
the pools – children having fun calling there occasional sentence
names telling them things laughing. There’s lots demarcation (below D2)
of splashing from other people jumping in the

pools. Theres also shouting from people running
simple joining (D2) so its very noisey people are loud round and in
the cubicles playing about with the doors opening
and closing them. Its very loud and the parents
noun phrases with pronoun reference (D2)
simple expansion
are a bit annoyed with the older children because
(D2) they have babies.
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SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
Summary
Although demarcation is limited, the use of a pronoun reference, simply expanded noun phrases
together with simple linking and repeated subjects and verbs provide sufficient evidence for
Band D2.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Content provides brief description of different aspects (children having fun, other people
jumping in) (E2).
• Writer’s response to swimming pool is evident (you could easily get a headache) (E2).
• Some vocabulary to suggest activity (splashing, running) (E2), although there is also
repetition (very noisey, loud).
Summary
This simple account describes busy activity at a swimming pool. Inclusion of the writer’s view
and some careful word choice justify award in Band E2; however, less repetition of content
would be necessary for the higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 2 marks
8. A Busy Place
TEXT STRUCTURE
The show ground is a very busy place with lot’s
of people and animals. People crowding all the
fences to watch all the animal’s show and lots of
people pushing and shuving to get to all the cake sentence demarcation
stall’s, and farm shop’s. There is quiet a bit of (D2)
noun phrases with
some expansion noise with horses cantering around making
(D2)
banging on the ground. There will be lots and
repeated subjects lot’s of car’s. and people running and walking
and verbs (D2) around. There will be lot’s and lot’s of stalls
and burger carvan’s and places were you can sit
simple joining with down and have a drink. There is lots of lorries
and (D2) simple concluding
and horse boxes. And there is alot of activity and comment (D2)
movement everywhere.
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Summary
Simple joining and repetitive sentence openings, with some variation through expanded noun
phrases, suggest Band D2. Mostly accurate demarcation and the presence of a simple conclusion
confirm the mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Some description of the showground suggests a busy atmosphere (crowding all the
fences, lot’s and lot’s of stalls) (E2).
• Writer’s feelings apparent through description (pushing and shuving) (above E2).
• Some vocabulary adds detail to description of activity (cantering around), though other
choices are general (car’s, a drink) (E2).
Summary
This description of a showground includes some detail to interest and suggest different aspects
of a busy place, indicating award in Band E2. Some indication of the writer’s feelings justifies
the higher mark, although further coverage of the scene supported by descriptive vocabulary
choices would be necessary for award in the next band.
Band E2 – 3 marks
9. A Busy Place
TEXT STRUCTURE
adverbials (D3) Walking down the crowded street , I saw
people pushing and dashing everywhere. There was
movement everywhere, every person was doing
expanded noun
something. It was either laughing or jokeing and talking
phrases (D3) out loud to each other. People on their bikes trying to links between ideas (D3)
get through the groups of people dotted everywhere.
When someone talked, other people started to talk commas support
aswell. Everyone had a look of happiness on their divisions (D3)
faces. Knocking things over as they went by, they

variation in subjects
(D3) didn’t even bother to pick them up. It seemed like a
total traffic jam, waiting for ages to get past people who
were walking slowly. But I didn’t mind because I could
see people were happy.
subordination (D3)
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Summary
Evidence for Band D3 includes the use of subordination, varied subjects, expanded noun
phrases and adverbials. Use of reference between sentences and commas separating clauses
supports the mark.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• Description of different activities provides a balance of coverage (People on their bikes,
Knocking things over) (E3), although detail is limited.
• The writer’s point of view is explained (waiting for ages / I didn’t mind because) (E3).
• Vocabulary supports impression of a crowd (pushing and dashing, a total traffic jam)
(E3).
Summary
The writer’s description of a crowded street includes some carefully chosen vocabulary and
suggests a busy but cheerful atmosphere. These features give evidence for Band E3, although
more detail to interest readers (for example, further description of some of the different types of
people) would be necessary for the higher mark in the band.
Band E3 – 4 marks
10. A Busy Place

TEXT STRUCTURE
The market in Deltonby is very busy and
variation in subjects crowded. There are lots of children running
(D3)
around and getting in people’s way. There’s a
horrible smell of different cheeses. People are
always wanting to push past to get away. You connection through
can always hear the fruit seller wanting to sell ongoing reference (D3)
adverbials (D3)
fruit by shouting about how wonderful his fruit is.
There’s a wonderful smell of waffles battling the
smell of the cheese. Everyone wants to get to
expanded noun
phrases (D3) the stall that sells what they want to buy,
quickest. Most people want to rush so that they
have more time to have a picnic , or so that they comma supports
find a picnic spot. The market sellers all are division (D3)
subordination (D3)
trying to get people to buy their products. There’s
secure demarcation (D3)
entertainment aswell which makes it even more
crowded and even more noisy.
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Summary
Use of varied subjects, expanded noun phrases, adverbials and subordination, together with
secure demarcation, a comma to separate clauses and connection in the text, provides evidence
for the award of Band D3.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• Description includes a balance of market seller (the fruit seller, trying to get people to buy
their products) and market-goer activity (Everyone wants to get to the stall) (E3).
• The writer’s attitudes to different aspects of the scene are conveyed (horrible smell of
different cheeses, wonderful smell of waffles) (E3)
• Word choices appeal to the senses (push past, can always hear, battling the smell of the
cheese) (E3).
Summary
Coverage of different aspects of the market, including description of the writer’s feelings and
sensations from within it, provides interest and leads to the higher mark in Band E3. Further use
of descriptive vocabulary – for example, to suggest mood – would be necessary for award in the
next band.
Band E3 – 5 marks
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11. A Busy Place
TEXT STRUCTURE
At the concert people dance to the music playing
whilst trying to get close to the band on stage.
People pushing through crowds to get food and
text organised around
varied connectives
drink. No-one says excuse me or exclaims that main idea of movement
(D4) they are sorry for pushing, they just carry on (D4)
walking without a care in the world. Noise is
created, not just by the band, but the fans too.
People protest as they push the other person out
of the way. The band stops playing but no-body
range of punctuation:
knows this because of the excitable and cheering commas to mark
crowd. The obaying crowd soon notice and divisions in varied
sentence positions
silence is created for a millisecond and noise dash
builds up and up and up. There is now movement (D4)
everywhere – even the people on stage are

donating something to the movement. Soon,
economy of everybody is shuffling through the crowd to get
expression:
expanded clause food and drink but, even the person selling food
expanded phrase and drink is worn out by the movement of the
(D4)
crowd. The people singing stop.

Summary
Use of varied connectives in complex sentences and expanded structures for economy, together
with ideas organised to link through the text, suggests award in Band D4. Although range of
punctuation is limited, the varied use of commas is sufficient to confirm the mark.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Description depicts realistic concert setting (trying to get close to the band); coverage
takes reader through several stages of activity (just carry on walking) (E4).
• Writing suggests hostile environment (No-one says excuse me, worn out by the
movement) (E4); writer’s overall impression not entirely clear.
• Stylistic choices emphasise sound and movement (excitable and cheering, shuffling);
repetition creates tension (builds up and up and up) (E4).
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Summary
This description of a concert uses effective vocabulary and accounts of different moments in
time to give a vivid picture of the scene, meriting an award of the higher mark in Band E4.
Further development of the writer’s attitude towards the situation would be necessary for award
of Band E5.
Band E4 – 7 marks
12. A Busy Place

TEXT STRUCTURE
There were lots of people rushing around looking at
their lists on the trolleys.
Everywhere you went there was a click of a button at
phrases for detail the counters and a CD playing in the background. It
(D4) makes you feel that all the wall are closing in on you.
The place was always hot and stuffy with people
breathing also there was a lot of germs around with
people coffing or sneezing.
organisation supports
In every section of the store was some sort of noise ideas: sections give
examples of noise (D4)
for example if you’re looking at clouthes a hanger
would screech across the rail.
varied connectives
(D4) When you are having something to eat a plate
smashes or a fork drops onto the floor. Also wheels of range of punctuation:
trolleys sharply splinters when you stop to get capital letters for
something out of the freezer which makes a click as abbreviation
omission apostrophe
the plastic door rubs against the metal frame. comma to support division
dash
Every now and then the lights would flicker giving you (D4)
expansion for a shock as the light streeks through the corner of your
economical eye.
expression (D4)
The toilet doors thump and the stairs creek as people
walk up and down. As you turn round the corner, you
see a man on a ladder placing boxes next to each
other.
This place was a giant wearhouse which sounds
echoed off of the roof which came shooting down in
and around your ears.
Giant metal struts keep the roof up which are
connected by string. Any minuite it could fall down.
The place it is makes you feel that anything could
happen – at any time.
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Summary
Sentence structures with expansion, phrases for detail and varied connectives suggest Band D4;
connection of a theme through sections of text and accurate use of a range of punctuation justify
the award of the top mark.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Supermarket setting explored primarily through sound, as different parts are described
(click of a button, a plate smashes, sounds echoed off of the roof) (E5).
• Writer’s controlled view interprets the setting as unfriendly (makes you feel that all the
wall are closing in on you, giving you a shock) (E5).
• Style consistently supports purpose through descriptive choices (screech, sharply
splinters) and figurative language (shooting down in and around your ears) (E5).
Summary
This convincing, developed description uses a range of stylistic effects to present the writer’s
view of an everyday setting as a noisy, hostile environment, fully meriting an award of Band
E5.
Band E5 – 8 marks
18 | P a g e
13. Pip Davenport
Pip Davenport was born in 1850 4th Janury in Slewsberry.
Pip helped his uncle at the fun fiar in the day and studyed
all night. He invedead new rides and won prizes for this.
Pip rote books about fair grounds with his wife Hettie.
Pip died were he was born in Slewberry in 1920.
Pip Davenport was a very nice man he was kind to anyone.
He was very help full and. He was so imainatave.
Pip did get angry easy.
repeated verbs (A2) Pip Davenport stayed carm if he was angry.

When Pip was a kid he always done as he was told.
When Pip was a child he never ever liked fiar rides he some divisions
sentence always liked to study. indicated (B2)
demarcation (A2)
Pip married when he was 20 years old. Pip lost his mother
contrast relationship
and farther when he was 16 years old and lived on his own.
occasional (B2)
sentence variation After marriage he thourt about inventing fair rides. Pip
(A2) inveted some cool rides like the merry go round and the
goast trian. Pip also invedead the bumber cars with a
simple connectives savety helmet.
(A2) connection built up by
Pip also ived rolacosers some for babys and some for older
reference (B2)
children and adults to.
repeated subjects Pip inveded the big weell and a small weell for all ages he
(A2)
checked it to see if it was safe the carages were safe so it
was ready to be put on the fiar.
simple noun
phrases (A2) Pip also inveded the grasshoppler wich went up and down
and round and round.
occasional Pip was a very usefull man even though his pearents were
expansion of noun not there he lived to be proud of him self.
brief concluding
phrases (A2)
Pip was a man of use and is lived to be rembered by evey remarks (B2)
one to be thankful of him.

Summary
Evidence of repeated subjects and verbs, together with simple connectives and occasional
sentence variation suggest award in Band A2. Sentence demarcation is mostly accurate;
however, the lack of commas limits the mark to the lower in the band.
Band A2 – 2 marks
19 | P a g e
• A simple account of Pip’s life; some detail about the rides (with a savety helmet, went up and
down) (C2).
• Attitude towards Pip is evident (very nice man) but not consistent (Pip did get angry easy.
Pip Davenport stayed carm if he was angry.) (below C2).
• Vocabulary is mostly general (kind, liked, safe); mixture of formal and informal language
choices (some cool rides, thankful of him) (C2).
Summary
This straightforward narration uses mainly simple language choices. Inclusion of some detail
about the main events and description of the fairground inventions provides further evidence for
Band C2; however, inconsistency of viewpoint keeps the mark to the lowest in the band.
Band C2 – 3 marks

Summary
The opening section of text is mostly copied from the prompt. Nevertheless, what follows
shows evidence of simple sequential organisation of some events in Pip’s life, finishing with a
short ending and suggesting Band B2. Inclusion of some divisions between events and reference
connections justify award of the higher mark in the band.
Band B2 – 3 marks
14. Pip Davenport

noun phrases with
limited expansion
(A2) Pip Davenport was an intelegent man he had overall text
organisation:
wild imaganations on fair ground rides he took after
subordination introduction (B2)
(above A2) his uncle. even though
he didn’t have any education because he didn’t go to
omission
connection built up by
apostrophes school.
reference (B2)
(above A2) He died on his doorstep whilst coming home from a
repeated subject night club. He died October 15th 1920. Some of pips
and verb (A2)
wild inventions was the walser and the merry go round.
some events in basic
But the one who made him who he is to day was the chronological sequence
simple connectives (B2)
rollercoaster ! pip wrote a book wich got an award he
(A2)
carried on writing books with his wife but his other ones
were not as succsesfull. He made money but not
simple noun
phrases (A2) enough to make him a millionare like he would of been attempt at ending
today. His wife died at the age of 95 on November 13th weakened by earlier
sentence mention of Pip’s
demarcation (A2)
1935.
own death (B2)
20 | P a g e
Summary
The use of simple noun phrases and connectives, together with repetition of subject and verbs
and mainly secure sentence demarcation, suggests an award in Band A2. Although there is no
evidence of commas, the presence of some varied subordination and the use of the omission
apostrophe (above A2) justify the higher mark in the band.
Band A2 – 3 marks

• Although the placing of events is not consistent, the life story includes some detail to interest
(died on his doorstep) and some explanation (because he didn’t go to school) (C2).
• Viewpoint is evident through comments on Pip’s character (was intelegent) and evaluation
of his achievements (were not as succsesfull) (C2).
• Some detail given in formal biography style (at the age of 95 on November 13th 1935); other
choices are general (school, home, money) (C2).
Summary
The inclusion of some detail and evidence of the writer’s point of view provide some
development of events in Pip’s life story, sufficient to merit the middle mark in Band C2.
Further consistency of form (placing of comments about Pip’s death at the end) necessary for
highest mark in band.
Band C2 – 4 marks

Summary
Evidence to reference links through the text build connections and indicate a mark in Band B2.
The organisation of most events to form a chronological sequence, together with the inclusion
of introductory comments, is sufficient for the award of the higher mark in the band.
Band B2 – 3 marks
21 | P a g e
15. Pip Davenport
Pip Davenport was born on the 4th of January 1850 in the
small town of Slewsbery. Scince the age of two he was
always facinated in funfairs.
adverbials (A3) When he was five, he went to a primary school called

‘Pineby’ named after a famous poet called edward pineby. topic development: use
secure demarcation of a paragraph to
(A3) He spent 4 years at the school. At the end of 1859 he expand the theme of
went to Slewsbury comprehensive, and by the early days education (B3)
expanded noun of 1868 he he got a degree in thecnical engincering .
phrases (A3)
overall organisation:
shifts in time help to
In 1871 he stole a ruby from a museum for one of his guide the reader (B3)
experiments and spent 5 painstakingly slow years in
subordination (A3)
Slewsbury prison when he was freed he had changed he
development weakened
studied funfairs and got a job at a local fair, during the
as paragraph contains
use of commas to night he studied ideas for new funfair rides. during several different sections
mark divisions in a of content (below B3)
his carrer , he invented the first roller coaster called the
sentence (A3)
‘train of doom’ the ferris wheel and the waltzer. He retired
in 1915 and in 1920 he perished in a house fire at the reference limited to links
age of 70. back to first paragraph
(below B3)

Summary
Expanded noun phrases, subordination and adverbials indicate award in Band A3; evidence of
most sentences demarcated with full stops and capital letters, together with some use of commas
within the sentence, justifies the higher mark.
Band A3 – 5 marks

• Detail and explanation (named after a famous poet, stole a ruby from a museum for one of
his experiments) creates interest in the life story (C3); balance weakens at the end as
significant events are dealt with briefly (below C3).
• Some phrases indicate writer’s attitude to events (painstakingly slow) (C3); but not
consistent.
• Stylistic features support biography form; formal address (early days of 1868, perished),
informative vocabulary (a degree in thecnical engincering) (C3).
Summary
Despite some difficulties with the balance of content, this piece includes relevant detail about
Pip’s life to interest the reader, whilst maintaining biography form. Combined with some careful
word choice, this is just sufficient to merit Band C3; however, more consistent evidence of
viewpoint and further development of content (for example, about the fairground inventions)
would be necessary for a higher mark in the band.
Band C3 – 6 marks
22 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of a developed paragraph to expand a particular topic and time references to guide the
reader through the text lead to Band B3. However, the mark is limited to the lower in the band
by less clear section divisions and weaker use of reference in the second half of the text.
Band B3 – 4 marks
23 | P a g e
16. Pip Davenport
Pip Davenport was born in the 4th January 1850 in
adverbials (A3)
Slewsbury. When he was born his mum died, so he
lived with his dad. They went on lots of adventures
together they, also went to the fair, they really enjoyed it
commas used to whole text organisation:
separate clauses there they went on lots of rides, but mostly roller
use of Pip’s age helps to
within a sentence coasters, then when Pip was 7 his dad died, and then guide the reader through
(A3) the sequence of events
he had to live with his Uncle Henry he became a nice
(B3)
use of past tense kind, gentle, helpful, and caring person. By the time Pip
(A3) was 29 he started inventing rides for the fun fair with
his Uncle Henry first of all he made the Cups and topic development:
expanded noun Saucers, then he made the Twister, and after that he section on Pip’s rides is
phrases (A3) introduced and
made the merry go round with a little bit of help from his expanded from an
Uncle Henry. The rides he had invented were, and still opening sentence (B3)
are very popular for the little kids, and for the adults.
Pip won a prize for all his hard working inventions,
because they were so good.
subordination (A3) When Pip was 43 years old his Uncle Henry died, then connections maintained
within paragraphs (B3)
he had no one left, and was very sad, Then he met
sentence Hettie the woman of his dreams, and got married to her
demarcation when he was 44. He loved her loads they even wrote topic development:
inaccurate or section on Hettie
ignored (below A3)
books together about all the fairgrounds one of them
expanded by related
was called Happy and Sad, but that one was about his information about the
adverbs (A3) life (an autobiography) it sold really quickly, and when books (B3)
he was 57 he was rich. Pip, and Hettie had 3 children
together, but in 1920 Pip died, he was 70 years old.
24 | P a g e
Summary
Use of adverbials, expanded noun phrases, subordination and adverbs, together with appropriate
use of past tense suggests award in Band A3. There is some evidence of commas correctly used
to support division within the sentence; however, repeated weaknesses in sentence demarcation
limit the mark to the lower in the band.
Band A3 – 4 marks
25 | P a g e
• Biography includes a balance of events (started inventing rides, Then he met Hettie) and
explanatory comment about Pip’s life (so he lived with his dad, because they were so good)
(C3).
• Writing maintains positive attitude by portraying Pip as a good person (nice kind, gentle,
helpful, and caring) and worthy of admiration (even wrote books together) (C3).
• Some phrases provide interest (the woman of his dreams, Happy and Sad) (C3); however,
other vocabulary choices are general (live, made, good) and the level of formality is not
consistent (loved her loads, an autobiography) (below C3).
Summary
Events in Pip’s life are presented in the form of a biography with some detail and comment to
engage; the establishment of a positive viewpoint provides further evidence for Band C3.
Greater consistency of chosen style (formal or informal) and careful selection of vocabulary to
interest would be necessary for highest mark in band.
Band C3 – 7 marks
26 | P a g e
Summary
Shifts in time, indicated by Pip’s age, are used to organise events sequentially. Within sections,
there is evidence of topic development and pronoun reference to maintain connections. These
features, together, merit award of the higher mark in Band B3.
Band B3 – 5 marks
27 | P a g e
17. Pip Davenport
On the 4th January, 1850 a gifted inventor was born into the world.
Pip was born in Slewsbury, into a rich family of two. Little did Pip
know how special he really was…
varied reference to Pip
As Pip grew older it was eaier to see how talented he was. At the and Billy (B4)
additional word and age of 11/2 yrs Pip was confidently walking and at the age of 2 yrs
clause create shades pip was saying words some adults struggle to say! Sadly, when Pip
of meaning (A4) was only the young age of 4 years pip’s mother, Eva, had a heart
attack and died. This left poor pip’s father, Billy, heartbroken .
When Pip creeped to the age of 10 years old he was employed, by

variety of
helping his Uncle Henry at the funfair all day. Meanwhile at night,
connectives (A4)
Pip started his job at inventing.
complex sentences After 3 hard working years of inventing, Pip created the carasoul, paragraph development:
(A4) and did a deal with his rich Uncle to place it only in his funfair. Sir paragraph used to
develop the theme of
Davenport, as they then called him , won tons of awards and
Pip’s growing success
prizes, including a place in the ginness world records, 1863, for the
(B4)
youngest successful inventor of his time.
10 years later Sir Davenport had invented (as well as the carasoul) relationships between
what he called the wheel, and the first ever working roller coaster. paragraphs created by
Pips father soon came out of grieving . Billys’ diary said, contrast and connection
simple sentences
(A4) “ I have to be the proudest father ever. Thank-you god”. Also in his in theme (B4)
diary Billy described Pip as very hard working and kind.
range of verb forms 7 years later at the age of 30 years old, Pip was engaged to Hettie
paragraph with limited
to develop meaning Moon. His wedding was huge . Over 2,000 people attended development (below B4)
(A4) including the queen of Slewsbury.
Sir Davenport just didn’t stop ! No one would believe that 2 years change of theme in
after Hettie and Pip’s wedding, they had stuck their heads together second part of
range of and written a book all about fairgrounds. Sadly the day pip and paragraph limits
punctuation (A4): Hetties book was published, Billy was mysteriously murdered… development (below B4)
possessive apostrophe;
ellipsis; When Pip reached 69 years he was transported to hospital with a
speech marks. serious stroke . Everything was done to try and save Pip but on his
70th birthday 1920 pip died …
Pips life was described as a roller coaster, and Pip was also
described as a roller coaster. “He just didn’t know when to stop”,
quoted his distrought wife Hettie.
28 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence variety, including expanded complex sentences with the use of different verb forms
and connectives, indicates award in Band A4. Evidence of a range of punctuation confirms the
higher mark in band, although further consistency of usage would be necessary for award of
Band A5.
Band A4 – 7 marks
29 | P a g e
• Diary comments (Billys’ diary said, “I have to be …) and quotation provide convincing
adaptation of biography form and create interest (C4); unexplained dramatic event (Billy was
mysteriously murdered) weakens overall impact (below C4).
• The writer’s informed stance is established through inclusion of detail (ginness world
records, 1863, Over 2,000 people attended) (C4).
• Emphasis created through stylistic choice (Little did Pip know, Pip was also described as a
roller coaster); some language is vivid (distrought) and precise (serious stroke) (C4).
Summary
This thorough and informative account of Pip’s life uses adaptation of form and carefully
selected language to create a biography to interest and engage, justifying the award of the top
mark in Band C4. Further control of content choice (for example, full integration of dramatic
event into the biography) necessary for award of Band C5.
30 | P a g e
Summary
The overall structure of the biography, established by paragraph divisions, is further shaped by
meaningful links between some of the different sections. Within some paragraphs, there is
evidence of varied reference and development of relevant detail, leading to an award in Band
B4. However, weaknesses in paragraph development towards the end of the text limit the mark
to the lower in the band.
Band B4 – 6 marks
31 | P a g e
18. Pip Davenport
Here is a biography on the life of Pip Davenport, who was
born on the 4th January 1850, an amazing inventor that
virtually foundered the theme parks we visit today.
Pip was born on the 4th January 1850, (in Slewsbury) and
grew up working with his Uncle. ,
people would say that he was a born inventor because of
the way he liked to tinker with machines. When Pip was old development of an
enough he started work at his local fairground, helping his individual paragraph to
Uncle, free of charge. At night Pip studied mechanics and chart the stages of Pip’s
rise to success (B4)
the way machines work. Over the year Pip started to create
new rides, such as the carousel and tea cups, then he had
short sentence for a majour break through . The first ever rollercoaster was
effect (A5) built. This was the fastest ride around. Thousands of people overall organisation:
wanted to ride it. Pip became so wealthy he opened a new contrast between good
range of times and difficult times
punctuation (A5): fair ground. Soon after he won an an award, for the national emphasised by
consistent fairground of the year, and was in newspapers everywhere. paragraph division
capitalisation of marking new theme (B4)
names When the first world war began , Britain against Germany,
Pip Davenport was forced to join the army forces and
war theme developed
became a tank technition. In the battle of the Somme, Pip
use of passive (A5) with relevant detail (B4)
was injured when he was shot in the leg and lost an arm
due to shrapnell from a shell. In 1918 Pip returned and
married Hettie Davenport at a late age of sixty eight years
old. Pip and Hettie donated lots of money to hospital funds,
controlled use of
several subordinate which was to buy new equipment, to help the rest of the
clauses (A5) soldiers who were injured in the conflict.
With Pip now, being disabled, he started writing books controlled return to
fairground theme gives
range of about fairgrounds and the rides. One of his best sellers was
structure to whole text
punctuation (A5): one, which he was inspired to make after the war, called (B4)
commas to organise war machines. In this he had plans for creating a plane ride.
information within
Hettie gave birth to two children, who were called Samuel lack of paragraph break
the sentence
and Edward. Before he died he told them to carry on his to mark new topic
inventions and then he passed away, in 1920, at his hom weakens overall text
structure (below B5)
town of Slewsbury.
In conclusion many off the rides today are all thanks to the
born inventor, Pip Davenport.
32 | P a g e
Summary
Meaning is developed through the controlled use of passive constructions, expanded sentences
with subordinate clauses and a short sentence for effect. These features, combined with accurate
and consistent use of a range of punctuation marks, merit the award of the top mark: Band A5.
Band A5 – 8 marks
33 | P a g e
• The opening and ending of the biography place Pip’s life in a wider context (virtually
foundered the theme parks we visit today); the war theme is purposefully integrated into the
life story (now, being disabled, he started writing books about fairgrounds) (C5).
• Controlled viewpoint: portrayal of events encourages sympathetic interpretation (forced to
join, to help the rest of the soldiers) (C5).
• Stylistic features create a formal, explanatory address (people would say) with precise use of
technical language (army forces, tank technition, conflict) (C5).
Summary
In this engaging and imaginative account of Pip’s life, carefully selected content is developed
and convincingly interwoven with the events given in the prompt. An authoritative viewpoint
and consistent style contribute to this presentation and warrant the award of the top mark (Band
C5).
34 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of individual paragraphs extensively developed with relevant detail – together with an
overall text structure where links provide both contrast and connection between sections – leads
to the higher mark in Band B4. For the top mark (Band B5), maintenance of paragraph divisions
to shape the end of the text would be necessary.
Band B4 – 7 marks
35 | P a g e
19. Memories of the School Year
My most fun activity of the scholl year was drawing in sentence demarcation
with capital letters and
repetition of verbs art at the begining of the scholl year. My biggest full stops (D2)
(D2) challenge was in numaracy we were making false
fracshons into normal fracshons. My most exiting
moment was when we played football in P.E. My most
simple noun phrases enbarising moment was when I ran into the gollposts
(D2) connections built up by
outside on the feald. My frends laft lots and so did I but
reference (D2)
after a while the lahthafer stoped. I’ve ingoyed playing
simple adverbials
(D2) with my frends playing things like tig and things like
that. At the beging of the scholl year we went down the
simple connectives dell and played football but my best thing of all about
(D2)
this year at scholl is scoring in football down the dell.
36 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence demarcation and reference, together with the use of simple connectives, adverbials,
noun phrases and repetition of verbs indicate award in Band D2. Some evidence of comma use
would be necessary for the higher mark in the band.
Band D2 – 2 marks
37 | P a g e
• Recount gives brief coverage of some different memories (in numaracy, when we played
football) with occasional development (the lahthafer stoped) (E2).
• Some positive evaluation evident (I’ve ingoyed playing) (E2).
• Word choice mostly general (ran, frends, things) with some repetition (football) (E2).
Summary
This straightforward account of some school memories contains a little expansion of content
and gives an indication of how the writer felt about the experiences, leading to award in Band
E2. Some word choice to describe detail would be necessary for the higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 2 marks
38 | P a g e
The best ever thing of all, about this year at school sentence demarcation
consistent (above D2)
was going to the trip with my class, and teacher.
repeated verbs (D2)
My most exciting moment this year was going to the fire
station, and being resuced from a burning caravan.
limited expansion of My biggest challenge was when we had sports day,
noun phrases (D2)
and all year six had to be Leaders of a house colour.
simple connectives The most embarrassing moment was red nose day and
(D2) pronoun reference not
all the teachers kept on looking at us . entirely clear (my class/
all year six) (below D2)
simple adverbials Finally the most fun activity was doing barn dancing at
(D2) the hut when we all got nurvers but in the end it was
brilliant.
39 | P a g e
Summary
The use of simple connectives and adverbials, together with some expanded phrases and
repeated verbs, suggests Band D2. Although the connections between sentences are limited,
secure demarcation confirms the mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks
40 | P a g e
• Content includes brief coverage of several memories (going to the fire station, sports day),
with limited development of each (E2).
• Some of the memories are commented on from the writer’s point of view (The best ever
thing of all, it was brilliant) (E2).
• Some word choice adds detail (a burning caravan, nurvers); other vocabulary is general
(trip, had, doing) (E2).
Summary
In this simply presented piece, the writer recounts a series of memories relating to different
school experiences. The inclusion of evaluative comments and some attempt to interest through
detail, merit the award of the higher mark in Band E2.
Band E2 – 3 marks
41 | P a g e
My most fun activity at school was when we went to sentence demarcation
subordination (D3) silver house. We had to dress up as victorians and do (D3)
every day life things that the victorians would do. I was
a ladies maid.
My biggest challenge at school was when I joined the
expanded noun Athletics team and had to compeet with other girls and
phrases (D3) development of ideas
boys from different schools. I was among some people
within sections (D3)
from my class as well as some from the other class .
adverbials (D3)
My most exciting moment at school was when we went
to do activities and did challenges like zip line and
absailing. we stayed for a week in dormoritries with our
friends .
42 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence features, including the use of subordination, expanded noun phrases and adverbials,
suggest award in Band D3. Although commas are not used, evidence of idea development
within sections and mostly correct demarcation confirm the mark.
Band D3 – 3 marks
43 | P a g e
• The account presents balanced coverage of three different memories; use of detail to interest
(ladies maid, absailing) (E3).
• The writer’s expression of attitude or feeling, implicit in the use of the prompt wording (My
most fun activity), is not further developed or emphasised (below E3).
• Accurate word choice supports purpose (compeet, dormoritries) (E3).
Summary
The writer’s memories are developed by the use of detail and accurate vocabulary to provide a
balanced recount of three different school experiences, providing evidence for Band E3.
Expression of the writer’s comments or attitudes towards what is described would be necessary
for the higher mark in the band.
Band E3 – 4 marks
44 | P a g e
These are my following memories since the beginning sentence demarcation
varied subjects (D3) of year six. Some of time we had such fun times (D3)
including to time when we went to the science
workshop and we made rockets that was my most
enjoyed activity. My most biggest challenge to face was
adverbials (D3) to write an absolute perfect story but fortunately I got
their in the end. Well, I suppose tough challenges are commas to mark
divisions within the
subordination (D3) worth doing because the next time you face the same sentence (D3)
one you can do it. I have got to say, my most
embarrising moment throughout the whole year was
when I tripped over at the school disco and everybody reference maintains
connections between
looked round at me. ideas (D3)
In conclusion throughout this year so far has been
rather embarrising, challenging and fun. But when I
start my first year in secondry I hope its exciting, fun
but I just hope not to trip because that would very
embarrising.
45 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of sentences developed by the use of subordination and adverbials, together with some
variation of sentence subjects, suggests Band D3. Reference links between ideas, sentence
demarcation and some use of commas to separate parts of the sentence confirm the mark.
Band D3 – 3 marks
46 | P a g e
• Some development of each memory gives balance; detail to interest (made rockets, absolute
perfect story, everybody looked round at me) (E3).
• The writer’s attitudes and opinions to the memories are expressed (fortunately, I suppose
tough challenges are worth doing) (E3).
• Vocabulary choice supports chosen conversational address (Well, I have got to say, just
hope) (E3).
Summary
The inclusion of detail and comments on each memory results in a balanced piece that provides
interest in the coverage, leading to an award in Band E3. The use of informal words and phrases
suits the purpose of the account and its consistency justifies the higher mark in the band.
Band E3 – 5 marks
47 | P a g e
This year I have done a variety of activities. The most
expansion for fun activity has to be when we do science experiments.
economical We have ranged from putting a steradent in a bottle of
expression (D4)
cold water to investigating micro-organisms by just
leaving food out to rot . My most exciting moment is
varied connectives when I was picked for the main part in the school play
(D4)
although this also withholds my most embarrassing range of punctuation
used accurately (D4):
moment because, unfortunetly, I forgot some of my commas;
lines on the big night. dash.
complex sentence
(D4) My biggest challenge has probably been–strangely, yet omission apostrophes
truly – being picked for the football team. You see, I
wanted to kick the ball: my feet didn’t I was just so
short, simple nervous. I conquered it but it was to late. We lost 9-5 .
sentence (D4) main ideas supported by
organisation (D4)
My all-round favourite moment has to be all of the
brackets
above (apart from losing!) and: playing with my friends,
learning new things and our new teacher miss Jones. It
was a strange year this year. Wasn’t it?...I really like my
school and I’ll be sad to go.
48 | P a g e
Summary
Complex sentences with expanded clauses, varied connectives and the use of a simple sentence
for effect suggests Band D4: further evidence is provided by a range of punctuation, used with
accuracy, and organisation that links ideas within the text.
Band D4 – 4 marks
49 | P a g e
• Adaptation includes the use of one memory to reflect two contrasting feelings (although this
also withholds my most embarrassing moment) (E4); ending weakens thoroughness of
coverage (below E4).
• Comments give an insight into the writer’s character (I wanted to kick the ball: my feet didn’t
I was just so nervous) (E4).
• Some stylistic choice adds interest by precise reference (investigating micro-organisms) and
description of feeling (conquered) (E4).
Summary
The memories presented in this account use detail and comment effectively to describe the
writer’s feelings and responses, meriting award in Band E4. Further focus on the selected
memories (rather than listing of further memories at the end) necessary for higher mark in band.
Band E4 – 6 marks
50 | P a g e
I have spent a lot of very treasurable memories from
this year at school. I would now like to share them with
everyone by writing them on my page of the book.
There have been many very exciting things throughout range of punctuation
used accurately (D4):
the year: school trips and sports, workshops, however colon;
none of them can replace our visit to Woodfarm. It was capital letter for place name;
dash;
definitely the most thrilling time, as well as my biggest
comma.
challenge; we had to work as a team. The best
complex sentences example of this was an amazing activity – caving.
with expansion for We had to work together to get out of the caves in
economical
expression (D4) complete darkness .
My favourite all round subject has to be topic. I learnt

so much, whilst having so much fun and finding the
varied connectives
lessons thourally enjoyable. The best part was making
(D4) posters about the circus, it was also the most
embarrasing moment, as I has to show it to the whole
school!
Out of everything though, the most fantastic thing was connection of ideas in
making new friends that I will remember and treasture the text (D4)
forever. This year, my last at this school has been

wonderful! I hope I am as lucky next year in my new
secondary school.
51 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence for Band D4 includes organisation of sentences to develop and link main ideas,
together with a variety of complex sentences. The correct use of a range of punctuation marks
confirms the award.
Band D4 – 4 marks
52 | P a g e
• One memory is given priority and emphasis above others (none of them can replace our
visit, definitely the most thrilling time) (E5).
• Writer’s evaluation of the experience is reflective (we had to work as a team, I learnt so
much, whilst having so much fun) (E5).
• Use of patterning contributes to effect of ending (This year, my last at this school has been
wonderful! I hope I am as lucky next year) (E5).
Summary
This lively account effectively explains as well as conveys the writer’s enthusiasm for the
recounted experiences, and uses emphasis and personal reflection to focus attention on
particular moments. These features, in combination, lead to an award of the top mark, Band E5.
Band E5 – 8 marks
53 | P a g e
25. Save it
Class 6L at Fairborne primary school have some good simple introduction (B2)
ideas, why you should recycle and what it would do to
the wildlife.
noun phrase with
limited expansion
(A2) recycling: is a good thing to try and do because if you divisions between
sections of content (B2)
just through it on the floor, when you can just put it in
repetitive use of
connectivesbecause the recycling bin.
and if(A2)
litter: you should put it in the bin because if you
use of modals (A2) just though it on the floor it would be a messie and
a smellie invioment.
Wildlife: you would have less habitats and less animals reference builds up
occasional sentence
around so if you clean it up we would have more animals connection (B2)
demarcation
(below A2) every year.
use of commands So put your rubbish in the bin and save animals and simple contrast links text
creates some sentence
give them back there habbitate so you will have a more together (B2)
variation (A2)
cleaner and healtheyer invioment. And no more bad
clauses simply smells so you would have more animals and less
linked (A2) rubbish.
54 | P a g e
Summary
Although correct sentence demarcation with capital letters and full stops is limited, the presence
of some sentence variation, use of modals and expansion of some noun phrases provide
evidence for lower mark in Band A2.
Band A2 – 2 marks
55 | P a g e
• Content includes attempts to persuade (you should, more cleaner and healtheyer) and some
explanation; balance is limited by repetition (because if you just though it on the floor) (C2).
• The writer’s view on the issues is expressed simply (a good thing) (C2).
• Some word choice is general and repetitive (good, animals) with occasional variation
(habitats); other attempts at formality mainly limited to words from the prompt (invioment)
(C2).
56 | P a g e
Summary
In this piece, simple statements seeking to explain the writer’s point of view and persuade the
reader are presented in leaflet form, providing evidence for Band C2. Expansion of ideas in
some places to reduce repetition would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band C2 – 3 marks
57 | P a g e
Summary
The use of an introduction and brief sections provides evidence of straightforward overall
structure. This, together with connections through simple reference and contrast, leads to the
higher mark in Band B2. Development of content within sections would be necessary for award
in next band.
Band B2 – 3 marks
58 | P a g e
26. Save it
Litter
simple contrast provides
repetition of • We should allways put litter in the bin.
connection between
subjects (A2) • We should never drop litter. sentences (B2)
• Litter is very bad to the environment.
secure demarcation
(A2)
Recycling
• We should always put paper in here.
use of modals (A2) • We should never mix rubbish up.
• Recycling is very good to the environment
text divided into sections
Water use (B2)
simple connectives
• Some-times we all use to much water but we should
used to link clauses
(A2) not because we do not have unlimited.
Transport
• We should not always drive because the petrol fumes
repetitive use of
because(A2) are bad to the environment.
• Walking is alway been better than car’s.
noun phrase with Wildlife
limited expansion
(A2) • All the rubbish that has gone in the river that is
making it hard for the wildlife to live.
reference back links
• The wildlife in the forest. it is hard for them to live conclusion to previous
because of the litter text (above B2)
Do all this and you will see a differance in the world.
brief conclusion (B2)
That will make the world a better place.
59 | P a g e
Summary
Use of simple and repetitive connectives, together with modals and a noun phrase with limited
expansion give evidence for Band A2. Mostly secure sentence demarcation with full stops and
capital letters justifies the award of the higher mark in band.
Band A2 – 3 marks
60 | P a g e
• Content gives brief coverage of several aspects related to the topic, with some attempt to
explain (because we do not have unlimited) and persuade (Do all this and you will see) (C2).
• The writer’s opinions convey an attitude towards the environment (Litter is very bad) (C2).
• Occasional detail supports purpose (petrol fumes, forest), but vocabulary is predominantly
general (bad, car’s) (C2).
61 | P a g e
Summary
This simple leaflet presents brief bullet points to persuade the reader about several aspects of the
environment; some relevant expansion to support writer’s viewpoint suggests Band C2.
However, more evidence of careful word choice would be necessary for the highest mark in
band.
Band C2 – 4 marks
62 | P a g e
Summary
Although reference within and between sentences in the main part of the text is limited, the use
of contrast within a simple overall structure provides sufficient evidence for Band B2. The link
established between the conclusion and previous text leads to the award of the higher mark in
band.
Band B2 – 3 marks
63 | P a g e
27. Save it
This is a leaflet about things that need to change.

overall text structure
adverbials (A3) If these things do not change the earth will change completely. includes introduction
For example there will not be any oxegyn or animals will die. and brief conclusion
(B3)
Water Use
This year there will be a drought as people are using to much
subordinating
water. Examples of people using to much water is when brushing
connectives used teeth. The reason this is wasting water is because they leave the
non-repetitively
tap running in between them brushing their teeth. If people carry
(A3)
on doing this instead of turning the tap off people might have
a large shorted of water.
Another way of wasting water is when people have a shower or developed sections of
expanded noun content grouped by
phrases (A3) bath everyday. A way to stop the same problem of the water
subheadings (B3)
shorted is to have one twice or three times a week.
Litter
Every year thoasands of pieces of litter are picked up. The main
cause of litter is when people stick chewing gum to the floor. It then
cost hundreds of thoasands to clear it up, and even then it doesn’t
commas between always come off of the floor. There are other causes of litter that
clauses (A3) can’t be helped. Like when rapper falls out of coat pockets.
Sometimes people see it fall out of their pocket, but just ingnore it.
varied subjects (A3) Litter doesn’t look very attractive either. Chocolate rappers, cans, connections maintained
chewing gum and much more. within sections (B3)
Wildlife
Wildlife is being threatened. Recently fox hunting has been band
mostly secure as it is cruel but people go against the law and carry on.
weaker development
demarcation (A3) Also people are out every night with load music and destroying and integration of
land. content within a section
(below B3)
LETS MAKE A CHAGE
64 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of expanded noun phrases, subordination, adverbials and some variation of subjects
lead to Band A3; secure demarcation and use of commas to support sentence divisions confirm
the higher mark in band.
Band A3 – 5 marks
65 | P a g e
• Points about water use and litter are developed with examples (when brushing teeth) and
explanation (people stick chewing gum to the floor) (C3); balance limited by underdeveloped
section on wildlife (below C3).
• Writer’s concern about environmental damage is conveyed throughout the leaflet (earth will
change completely, destroying land) (C3)
• Some word choice supports persuasive purpose (hundreds of thoasands, threatened) (C3),
but chosen level of formality varies (The reason this is, can’t be helped).
66 | P a g e
Summary
This leaflet includes development of relevant content, expressed from a point of view that
makes the writer’s feelings clear. Despite some weaknesses in style and balance, there is just
enough evidence overall to merit award of the lowest mark in Band C3.
Band C3 – 6 marks
67 | P a g e
Summary
Organisation of ideas into an introduction, conclusion and some developed sections of content
justifies Band B3. Although there is also evidence of reference within sections, weaker grouping
towards the end of the piece limits the award to the lower mark in band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
68 | P a g e
28. Save it
Do you think that you are doing everything you can to save the connection established
environment? If you do check the checklist. Recycling do you walk between introduction
question varies and conclusion (B4), but
sentence type as much as you can do you have baths or showers if you limited linkage between
(above A3) have a bath is it big or small Do you litter . Those are the introduction and
thing’s that you need to worry about. subsections (below B4)
1. Recycling
Recycling is simple to do, all you have to do is put it in the right bin,
sentence boundaries
incorrectly if you recycle you would be making a difference to wildlife, recycling
demarcated with paper would be the best woodlands are being cut down each day and
commas (below A3) thus the animals go to
2. Litter
Litter is a main value of pollution, litter usually oucurs in and around
subordinating main city’s like New York, London, Paris and many more. Litter is a
connectives (A3) killer for nature, bird’s can choke on something like a bit of tissue
or a bird can get stuck in a plastic beer holder other bigger animals
reference varied to avoid
can get in the beer holder in there mouths so thus they cannot eat. repetition within a
varied modals (A3) On new years eve people think that on that night they have a pass to developed paragraph
litter. More like a one way ticket for nature, littere’s are selfminded and (B4)
in a way hoolergans who never think of the consenquences and go
smashing other peoples property but in this prospective they are
destroying mother natures property and other people’s prospective of
the world.
Wildlife
adverbials (A3) Wildlife is connected to Litter and Recycling but there is one thing that reference to previous
is’nt really connected to any of those subjects. Destroying habbitats for sections contributes to
factories, houses and other building’s. Some people like to go hunting just overall structure (B4)
expanded noun
phrases (A3) for fun not for food or for fur for warmth it’s just for the fun of it. Also some
people crush plants kill animals and after they do something like that they
laugh about it with there friends.
sequence of clauses We all hope that the person who read this changes his/her way’s and
joined with and if you do think your doing the best you can try harder all the time and
(below A3)
never stop trying to save the environment. Together we should stand.
69 | P a g e
Summary
Use of adverbials, subordination, varied modals and expanded noun phrases suggests an award
in Band A3. Although there is some variation in sentence type (above A3), consistent
weaknesses in sentence demarcation limit the award to the lower mark in band.
Band A3 – 4 marks
70 | P a g e
• Development of points about litter and wildlife includes examples (bird’s can choke on
something like a bit of tissue) and explanation (just for fun not for food or for fur); coverage
of recycling is more limited (C3).
• Writer’s strong feelings about the environment expressed through opinion (hoolergans who
never think of the consenquences) (C3).
• Word choice supports persuasion with emotive vocabulary (smashing, destroying) (above
C3), but not consistent (cut down).
71 | P a g e
Summary
In this leaflet, the writer combines emotional appeal with some informative detail in order to
persuade the reader, leading to an award of the highest mark in Band C3. Further adaptation for
the readership (for example, more suggestions for how friends and family can help) would be
necessary for award in the next band.
Band C3 – 8 marks
72 | P a g e
Summary
Connections between introduction and conclusion help clarify overall structure and suggest
Band B4. This is confirmed by further reference to relevant content within and between
developed paragraphs. Stronger links between the introduction and the topics dealt with in the
leaflet would be necessary for the higher mark in band.
Band B4 – 6 marks
73 | P a g e
29. Save it
Do you know how much damage you are making? Do you introduction and
want to see beutifal things get ruind? Well stop right there conclusion connected by
use of different
questions (B4)
sentence types: because we are going to tell you.
question and
command (A4) Loath Some Litter! reference to the same
All over the world people are dumping there litter and killing the idea is varied as ideas are
developed within a
wildlife. Some of the animals get trapped on litter and cut them section (B4)
some variety of
connectives (A4)
selves, others choke this leads to there terrorising, terrible, tragic
deaths that they don’t desserve. Recycle your rubbish now!
Wasteing Water!
Everybody is wasteing the good water in the world by washing
cars and other things When many other people need good,
expanded phrases clean water to drink, wash with, wash clothes and make meals.
(A4) Think about other people not just yourself!
Terrorising Traffic!
Did you now your killing your pets, other animals and all the
children in the world by polluting the air with final exclamations create
the fearsome fumes of your car. No? Well you are so put a link between all sections,
supporting structure of
stop to it. help us to help and Save the world. Save the World! text (B4)
additional words How to Help?
(A4)
You can help us by coming to the town hall from Monday to
Sunday for the next two weeks.
Please help us Your our only hope!
limited range of Do You want to be a hero or an Enemy? Please come to the
punctuation used
correctly (below A4) town hall and sign the Petition
Sign the Petition Save the World!
74 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence variation – including different sentence types, varied connectives and expanded
phrases – gives evidence for an award in Band A4. The limited range of punctuation leads to the
lower mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks
75 | P a g e
• Adaptation evident in urgent, personal appeal to persuade reader (stop right there, Recycle
your rubbish now!) (C4).
• Writer portrayed as challenging readers’ ignorance about the issues (No? Well you are so put
a stop to it.), although pleading at the end weakens effect (Your our only hope!, Please
come) (below C4).
• Stylistic choices attract attention and support persuasive purpose: alliteration (Wasteing
Water); questions (Do You want to be a hero or an Enemy?) (above C4).
76 | P a g e
Summary
This succinct leaflet adapts content by emphasising the urgency of the problem and directly
appealing to the reader, leading to award in Band C4. Further control of viewpoint to maintain
impact would be necessary for highest mark in band.
77 | P a g e
Summary
Text structure is maintained by the organisation of content into clear sections connected by
common features. This evidence, combined with development of ideas within sections, leads to
the higher mark within Band B4. Emphasis on most significant ideas (for example, by
development of final section) would be necessary for the top band.
Band B4 – 7 marks
78 | P a g e
30. Save it
Dear Reader. Thank you for taking the time to read this leaflet.
We at Fairborne school beleive if you do read this leaflet than you to can
help improve the enviroment we live in.
The first topic we would like to include in this leaflet is recycling. If you structure made clear
recycle you are doing good for yourself and others by: across the text (B5)
varied sentence • Recycling things to be made into new things.
focus: use of passive
(A5) • Getting rid of your useless junk.
• And saving your own enviroment! structure of individual
If everyone spent 20 minutes a week taking their newspapers, tins and paragraphs varied (B5)
bottles to the nearest recycling bins, then we to can make a difference in
just 20 minutes!
The second topic is, wildlife and litter, you know and we know they do not
go together. Why? You ask, heres why, animals can get badly hurt by
short sentence for broken bottles, sharp tins ect. And it can ruin there enviroment aswell as
emphasis (A5) ours. Do you want litter to hurt animals and wildlife? I think not. You and
your friends could arrange a “litter pick-up” where you go around your
controlled use of local area picking up rubbish as a fundraiser or just for fun! Like who can reference within the
subordination get the most in a set time limit! paragraph gives emphasis
within long and clear focus to main
Our third issue is our use of water and water waste. When a family of four
sentences (A5) idea (B5)
have a bath, they may empty and refill it 2 or even 3 times this is a bit of a
waste isnt it? To resolve this try only emptying it once maybe not at all! In
range of the summer paddling pools are a big hit, some people just tip the water
punctuation:
away if the fun wears out! Try using it to water the plants, they’ll
omission
apostrophes (A5) appreciate it in the boiling sun! So don’t throw it away, reuse it!
Our fifth and final issue is transport. Do you know what that black smoke
is coming out of your car? No, we’ll tell you pollution! Thats what! Think of
all the cars in the world! Millions! All pumping the same waste out of the comment draws attention
back! We cant make everyone sell or send their cars to the scrapyard, but to structure and gives
if children walked or cycled to school instead of the car or bus then, added significance to
paragraph (B5)
beleive it or not, it will help the enviroment.
Thankyou again for reading this leaflet. Keep it for future reference, when
range of you’re done with it, recycle it! You too can make a difference, you to can
punctuation: S.O.E!
commas for inserted
Do it today, Save our environment. Are you up to it? We know we sound
comment (A5)
repetative, but you can help.
79 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence variation, in the form of longer, developed sentences, a short sentence for impact and
the use of passive indicate Band A5; evidence of a range of punctuation, used mostly correctly,
confirms the mark.
Band A5 – 8 marks
80 | P a g e
• Selection of detail emphasises relevance to reader’s life (You and your friends could
arrange, coming out of your car) (C4), although particular readership not consistently
addressed (When a family of four, some people).
• Leaflet gives impression that writer is well informed about the issues (heres why, we’ll tell
you) (C4).
• Use of slogan-like exclamations supports persuasion (So don’t throw it away, reuse it!, you
to can S.O.E!) (C4).
81 | P a g e
Summary
Thorough coverage of environmental topics, presented persuasively through suggestions and
examples made relevant to everyday situations, leads to Band C4. Use of stylistic choices to
support leaflet form merits the highest mark in band, although further adaptation to specific
readership necessary for award of Band C5.
82 | P a g e
Summary
Use of sequencing throughout the leaflet and placing of ideas for emphasis help define the
overall shape of the text, suggesting Band B5. These features, combined with varied
organisation of paragraphs and clarity of focus, merit the award of the top mark.
Band B5 – 8 marks
83 | P a g e
31. It’s a Mystery
84 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION
Summary
Use of simple noun phrases, connectives and adverbials, together with repetitive subjects and
verbs leads to Band D2. Some evidence of linkage between sentences and sufficient
demarcation with capital letters and full stops confirm the mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks
85 | P a g e
• Brief coverage of several aspects of the setting (funney smell, this noise, The water);
emphasis on events in final sentences (E2).
• Character’s viewpoint inconsistent (I am so scary / So that was it, That end of that) (below
E2).
• Some descriptive word choice (cackerling; look like monsters), although other vocabulary is
general (floor, people, stairs) (E2).
86 | P a g e
Summary
Despite a focus on story events at the end, this simple opening shows evidence of descriptive
form and uses some vocabulary to suggest a mysterious setting, justifying Band E2. Less
uncertainty of character’s viewpoint would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band E2 – 2 marks
87 | P a g e
Ali stood silently, looking at the door. With a

slow creaking sound, it opened. Taking a
deep breath, Ali walked inside …
simple connective The door slamed behind her she tried opening
(D2)
it but it was lokced she was frightend. It smelt use of inverted commas
like dead rats it was black and scary she to demarcate direct
speech (above D2)
repeated subjects coudlnt see a thing. She heard someone
(D2)
calling her it was repetedly calling her “Ali Ali
Ali” it cried “fowlow the the sound of my voice.”
simple adverbials She followed. she thought it was her friends connections in text built
(D2) up (D2)
messing around. She felt even more scared it
called her name agian “Ali Ali Ali” she started
running. The voice got louder it must have
simple noun phrases been folowing her. She saw a door. she ran occasional demarcation
(D2)
inside. she found it was a closet. she dint feel (below D2)
that scared she rang the fire birgade to rescue
her.
88 | P a g e
Summary
Features such as repetitive sentence subjects, simple noun phrases and adverbials all provide
evidence for Band D2. Although sentence demarcation with capital letters and full stops is
limited, the use of inverted commas for speech (above D2) and some connection between
sentences support the mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks
89 | P a g e
• Content includes description of the voice (repetedly calling, it cried, got louder) within
coverage of events (E2).
• Writing adopts Ali’s perspective (she coudlnt see a thing, she thought it was her friends
messing around) (above E2).
• Word choice is mostly general (voice, name) with occasional attempts to interest (slamed,
smelt like dead rats) (E2)
90 | P a g e
Summary
In this straightforward account of a character’s experiences, some description is used within the
event sequence to create mystery, suggesting award in Band E2. Although vocabulary is
limited, the use of Ali’s viewpoint supports the setting and merits the higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 3 marks
91 | P a g e

consistent sentence
Ali looked around and it was pitch black. He put demarcation (D3)
his arms out to fell the walls and everything else.
He walked forward and tripped over something.
Ali picked up the object. The object was thin and
had a bigger, rounder bit at the end. Ali felt it he
found a button. Ali pressed the button and a light
expanded noun came on the thing he had tripped over was a
phrases (D3) commas to show
torch. Looking around, Ali saw a basket filled with
divisions within the
apples, another basket filled oranges and three sentence (D3)
adverbials (D3) other baskets filled with bananas, peaches and
strawberrys. Ali could smell lovely fresh fruit. He
ongoing reference
heard a noise which sounded like come get your
maintains connections
fruit, your fresh and golden fruit. Ali turned around in text (D3)
subordinate clauses so that he was facing the door and just before he
(D3)
could walk out a hand went on his sholder and inverted commas signal
said ‘you shouldent be hear”. speech (D3)
92 | P a g e
Summary
Subordination, expansion of noun phrases and adverbials indicate Band D3. The mark is
confirmed by use of commas to support developed sentences, mainly secure demarcation,
inverted commas and references that maintain links in the text.
Band D3 – 3 marks
93 | P a g e
• Detail contributes to mystery (thin and had a bigger, rounder bit at the end); coverage
includes appeal to different senses (Ali could smell, He heard a noise) (E3).
• Ali’s point of view is established (Ali felt it) and maintained throughout the piece (a hand
went on his sholder) (E3).
• Some choices suggest a magical setting (filled with apples, golden fruit) (E3), although
elsewhere vocabulary is less descriptive (the walls).
94 | P a g e
Summary
Use of detail, balanced content coverage and maintenance of Ali’s viewpoint create a
mysterious story opening and give evidence for Band E3. Further descriptive word choice to
increase the sense of mystery would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band E3 – 4 marks
95 | P a g e

expanded noun It was very dark but Ali could make out
phrases (D3)
a box in the corner. With the little bit of light secure sentence
shining from under the door she decided to demarcation (D3)
walk over to the box . The light stopped
shining and the smell was her only guidence.
variation in subjects opportunities to use
The room smelt musty and old. She felt the commas to support
(D3)
wall and felt dust all over her hands. divisions in developed
sentences ignored
All in a moment a light came on. Ali could see (below D3)
that the room was like an attic but in the dark
adverbials (D3)
it looked like a dungon. Ali took little stept
text organised around
(to frightend to move and to touch things). idea of character moving
The floorboards began to creak. Then there towards the box (above
D3)
subordination (D3) was a sweet smell leading her to the box in
the corner – which she had noticed earlier.
96 | P a g e
Summary
Varied sentence subjects, expanded noun phrases, adverbials and subordination give sentence
structure evidence for Band D3. Although there are no commas, secure demarcation and
development of text around a main idea (above D3) confirm the mark.
Band D3 – 3 marks
97 | P a g e
• Different aspects of room presented as Ali moves towards box; characterisation adds detail
(to frightend to move and to touch things) (E3).
• Ali’s point of view is maintained (smell was her only guidence, felt dust all over her hands)
(E3).
• Word choices support descriptive purpose (musty, dungon, creak) (E3).
98 | P a g e
Summary
Through careful vocabulary choice and detailed description of Ali’s reactions, this story
opening presents a mysterious setting and merits the higher mark in Band E3. Further adaptation
(for example, some detail about the box to build suspense) would be necessary for award in
higher band.
Band E3 – 5 marks
99 | P a g e

It was pitch black. Ali could not see a thing, yet she could
variation in
connectives (D4) find her way around easily. Had she been here before?
Something definatly seemed familiar about this place.
Ali could just smell the scent of the rotting, decaying rocks
throughout the text,
expanded phrases which built up the four walls around her. How old was reference supports
express ideas emphasis on main ideas
economically (D4)
this place? Surely a long period of time, as Ali could tell
in each section (D4)
from the material the entrance door was made of and the
smell. Was someone in the room?
Ali was beginning to be unsure of this place. She heard a

short, simple
sentence for effect drip, drip, drip. What was it? A leaking pipe?
(D4) It was a mystery. She heard footsteps creeping around.
Who was that?
She could taste the sawdust from the air flying around into a range of punctuation
used accurately:
her mouth as she walked around. Why was there sawdust
commas, question marks
here? The splinters in the other doors scratched at Ali’s and an apostrophe to
skin. This was not a good experience. mark possession (D4)
Who was in the room? Why were they in the room? Why
did they open the door to Ali?
100 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of simple sentences for effect and longer, complex constructions, a range of accurate
punctuation and references to support organisation justify the award of the top mark – Band D4.
Band D4 – 4 marks
101 | P a g e
• Description suggests setting for a realistic mystery story (sawdust from the air, splinters in
the other doors) (E4).
• Control of viewpoint shown through Ali’s changing reactions to setting (find her way around
easily, beginning to be unsure of this place, not a good experience) (E4).
• Some stylistic choice supports adaptation (rotting, decaying rocks) (E4), although questions
for suspense are overused (below E4).
102 | P a g e
Summary
Descriptive detail, used convincingly to portray a character’s response to a mysterious setting,
gives evidence for Band E4. However, more selective use of questions for stylistic effect would
be necessary for the award of the higher mark in the band.
Band E4 – 6 marks
103 | P a g e

varied connectives The door slammed shut behind Ali. He coughed as text organised with
(D4) reference to Ali’s
he inhaled the dry, stale air that was inside … this position (D4)
tunnel? Ali couldn’t see 5 feet in front of himself. He
began to walk , with no idea where he was going,
down the tunnel. Soon Ali came to a flight of stone
steps. The tunnel seemed to drop down into a strange
green light. Ali began to descend into the darkness.
He shut his eyes as he went down the steps. Suddenly, range of punctuation:
the smell of rotten fish hit Ali right in his face, which omission apostrophe
commas
caused him to walk back. Ali slowly opend his eyes, question mark (D4)
and to his amazement gasped. Right in front of him,
expansion for was an underground cave of monumental size. A river
economical slowly gurgled below him, that led to a giant stone
expression (D4)
structure which towered above Ali. The sound of water
dripping scared Ali.
short sentence for He looked across the cave. There was something
variation and effect
(D4) strange on the floor … but what?
104 | P a g e
Summary
Inclusion of varied connectives within developed sentences, expansion for economy and a
simple sentence for effect lead to Band D4. Evidence of a range of punctuation and clear
organisation of ideas confirm the mark.
Band D4 – 4 marks
105 | P a g e
• Visual detail placed to give impact to final description (underground cave of monumental
size, giant stone structure) (E5).
• Reader shares Ali’s restricted viewpoint (shut his eyes, the smell of rotten fish hit Ali) and
sense of uncertainty (something strange on the floor… but what?) (E5).
• Precise, descriptive vocabulary consistently supports creation of mysterious world (inhaled,
gurgled, towered) (E5).
106 | P a g e
Summary
In this vivid description, the writer develops character viewpoint to engage the reader and
combines this with detail selected to appeal to the senses. This effective presentation of a
mysterious opening leaves unanswered questions in the reader’s mind and merits the award of
the top mark (Band E5).
Band E5 – 8 marks
107 | P a g e
37. Dear Diary...
Tom’s Diary
some accurate I had a great day … Because i went to the Betch with my chronological
sentence mum and dad and sister my sister was realy moody wen structuring of events
demarcation (A2), (B2)
but elsewhere we got their we made a sand castle and went in the sea
boundaries are then we had a swim in the little swimming Pool they hd
ignored
(below A2) their. I asked if we could have an ice cream so his dad
some reference in both
Bought him one. Me and my family had a Picnic on the diaries to a common
sand they had loads of tastey treat’s and then they went event (B2)
on the Jet skis. Then we all wen’t home and feel asleep
and we had a big roast dinner. My dad took me over the abrupt ending
simple connective Park to go and Play football with my friends I scored 4 (below B2)
used repetitively
(A2) goals.
see you
soon tom
limited expansion
of noun phrases Sara’s Diary
(A2) I had an awful day … my little Brother frew sand at me use of contrast between
my dad frew me under the water my mum Pulled my hair sentences (B2)
and when I had an ice cream my Brother made me drop

it so I can’t have one. The best bit was when we had
simple cross-reference
lunch because I had more than my Brother. But when we between diary entries
wen’t on the Jet skis I feel of and nerly drownd. When we (B2)
wen’t home and fell asleep in the car when we woke up
my Brother came over to me and gave me a cudde and
simple noun he bought me an icecream with his money. My mum took abrupt ending
phrases (A2) (below B2)
me out shopind with my friends and I got 2 dresses and
2 tops.
See you
Soom Sara
108 | P a g e
Summary
Limited expansion of phrases and predominantly simple connectives give evidence for Band
A2. Greater use of full stops and capital letters to mark sentence boundaries necessary for higher
mark in band.
Band A2 – 2 marks
109 | P a g e
• Entries include coverage of events to interest (nerly drownd) although development is
limited (C2).
• Attitude expressed in Tom’s diary (realy moody, tastey treat’s) but less evident in Sara’s
diary (below C2).
• Some use of detail (roast dinner, dresses) but other vocabulary is general (water, money);
sign-off (see you soon) is informal (C2).
110 | P a g e
Summary
Accounts of Tom and Sara’s day out, written in the form of diary entries, with occasional
attempt to interest through word and content choice merit an award in Band C2. Use of Sara’s
viewpoint to create contrast would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band C2 – 3 marks
111 | P a g e
Summary
Simple text structure, in the form of two event sequences, together with some reference to
common events and characters offer a straightforward pattern and suggested Band B2. Some
overall shaping, such as a brief ending to the events, would give evidence for the higher mark in
band.
Band B2 – 2 marks
112 | P a g e
38. Dear Diary...
Tom’s Diary
I had a great day… at the zoo. I saw a zebra and it
variety through
first and third came up to me and I stroked it. I asked mum to give me
person subjects
(A3) some food, so she got the bag of food and passed it to
me. Then the Zebra poked its head into the car and
started to eat the food. Mum pulled the bag away because development of a
section: connected
she though the zebra would eat all of the food. Mum started sequence of events
focus on the giraffe
to drive along the road to the next set of animals. I (B3)
commas support could just see a big wall with a little head popping up at
sentence structure
(A3) the top. It was a deraf. Sara said to mum to drive strait
past the derafs because she doesnt like them but mum
didn’t . when we finley got to the derofs, one of them shifts in time help to
came up to me and started to lick my hand. Its lips were organise content
expanded noun (B3)
phrase (A3) all spungy and soft.I could not wait untill lunce because I
was starved but mum onley gave me a drink and a chese
sandwig. But I couldn’t wait untill I got home and tell every
adverbials (A3) body what a good day I had. I also couldn’t wait untill I
could go there again.
variety of
Sara’s Diary
subordinating
connectives (A3)
I had an awful day… at the zoo because Tom kept
getting what he wanted and I kept getting left out because
of him! I didn’t like the animals because they kept staring
sequence of events
at me, specilay that deraf that came over to the car. The (giraffe + lunch)
common to both
expanded noun onley thing I liked best at the stupid zoo was lunce entries (B3)
phrase (A3)
because I can’t think of anything else that was fun and
exsiting. Mum kept driving around and stopping at the
animals that my brouther Tom wanted to see, also he had
correct sentence
some food to feed the animals with and I didn’t. Tom didn’t continuous references
demarcation (A3) link through entire
even leve some food for me to give to the animals. I never entry (B3)
want to go there again.
113 | P a g e
Summary
Use of adverbials, expanded noun phrases, subordination and variety of person, supported by
accurate demarcation and comma use in developed sentences, merit the higher mark in Band
A3. More variety of sentence type and greater range of punctuation necessary for award in
higher band.
Band A3 – 5 marks
114 | P a g e
• Development of common event to amuse: Tom’s detailed account of seeing the giraffe (little
head popping up) (C3); repetition (couldn’t wait untill) results in some loss of pace at end of
Tom’s entry (below C3).
• Contrast between Tom’s enthusiasm (tell every body) and Sara’s dislike (the stupid zoo,
didn’t even leve) sustained (C3).
• Descriptive vocabulary in Tom’s account (poked, spungy and soft) combined with word
choice in Sara’s entry (staring, that deraf) emphasises contrast in attitude (C3).
115 | P a g e
Summary
Coverage of interesting common events from two different perspectives, using the form of diary
entries, gives humorous contrast and indicates Band C3. Descriptive words and phrases add to
the effect, although greater control of pace would be necessary for highest mark in band.
Band C3 – 7 marks
116 | P a g e
Summary
Two parallel sequences, with some developed sections and continuous reference, together with
some marking of time shifts help maintain structure and indicate Band B3. Evidence of section
development in Sara’s diary (eg about the lunch) would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
117 | P a g e
39. Dear Diary...
Tom’s Diary
I had a great day … we went to Action Park. I had a whale of
a time because we got there early & didn’t have to wait in a
adverbials (A3)
queue. The first thing we did when we got there was go on
connected sequence:
the roller-coasters, well me and dad did because were brave. Tom’s comments about
Mum didn’t because she a scardy cat & Sara didn’t because the roller coasters
developed beyond the
she has azmar, well I think she could have gone on some sentence (B3)
rides but was too frightened. In the first hour me a dad went
expanded noun on the two most terrifying rides called Colossous and
phrases (A3)
Nemisus. After that we had lunch, which was very, very tasty.
During lunch Sara seemed very miserable. later we decided
to go to the arcade, I won £10.00. Nextly we went on a water
ride which Sara could have gone on but didn’t want to get connected references
(B3)
wet. Me, dad and mum loved every bit. We then went on a
some weakness in
comma use
ride called deternaiter, it was a ride that drops from a 200
(below A3) feet in the air. It started to raid so we headed home.
Sara’s Diary organisation of the

whole test: in both
I had an awful day … during our family outing at Action Park. I entries, shifts in time
some commas and place support
correctly support the
hated every bit because my silly brother, Tom consistantly divisions into sections
structure of longer (B3)
sentences (A3)
was teasing me. All I did there was watch a 4-D movie in a
theatre called Pirates, it bored me to death but the rest of my
family laughed all the way through it. The first hour or so at
Action Park all I did was watch Tom and dad having fun. Tom
varied subordinating
connectives (A3) was playing with me. I didn’t like it, so I pulled away and varied references
(above B3)
ended up stepping in dog droppings. So after that Mum
insisted we ate lunch so we did. At lunch Tom spilt his drink
all over me. I was drenched from head-to-toe. We then went
to the arcade. On the way there my £20.00 note got blown in
some range of corresponding
punctuation a tree. With the change I had, I used it on the slot machine. sequences: Sara’s diary
(above A3): mentions lunch +
capitalisation, I came back with nothing and Tom won £10.00 (how unfair is arcade (B3)
brackets
that.) I went to get a drink from the stoole outside, while I was
waiting I got soaked even more than I was (from Tom’s
drink) 5 minute after I came back we went home.
variety: use of third
person and first
person (A3)
118 | P a g e
Summary
Adverbials, expanded phrases, variety of subordinating connectives and use of first and third
person suggest Band A3. Despite some weaknesses in comma use, other evidence of accurate
comma use within correctly demarcated sentences, together with some range of punctuation
lead to the higher mark in this band.
Band A3 – 5 marks

• Coverage of common events creates humour (me a dad went on the two most terrifying
rides; all I did was watch Tom and dad having fun); pace maintained in both entries (C3).
• Tom’s diary includes comment on Sara’s attitudes (I think she could have gone on, seemed
very miserable) (above C3).
• Informal remarks (scardy cat, how unfair is that); some descriptive word choice (drenched,
soaked) emphasises contrast with Tom’s diary (C3).
Summary
Two contrasting accounts of a theme park outing, presented with detail to amuse and in a style
which supports diary form, indicates an award in Band C3. Inclusion of Tom’s thoughts about
Sara justifies the top mark in this band.
Band C3 – 8 marks

Summary
The diary entries are linked by common sequences of events; sections of the text are marked by
changes in time and place. These features indicate Band B3; evidence of section development
and connected reference to characters (including some varied reference) justifies the higher
mark in band.
Band B3 – 5 marks
119 | P a g e
40. Dear Diary...
Tom’s Diary
I had a great day ... we went to the zoo and saw the best ani-
mal in the world it was the lion! It was a great sunny day too!
What makes it better is that it was my idea and Mum & Dad
listened. I bet Sara is dead upset she wanted to go to a sentence indicates
range of structure of text (B4)
punctuation (A4): ‘fashion shop’ Hah! Let me start from the beginning:-
quotation marks,
colon
... Hmm. Lets see, yeah, first I jumped out of bed and went
downstairs. I had a beaming smile on my face because I had
a dream about going to the zoo and I wanted to go today to
relive the expierience. When I got into the kitchen who was section develops
detail about decision
there, but Sara asking Mum to go to the shops. I immediately to go to the zoo (B4)
– but less development
turned on the crying technique and off to the zoo we were! of Tom’s experiences
complex sentences at the zoo
with varied All the way I was so – so, so, so happy. I even got to feed the
connectives (A4)
seals! Life is so great know. I’m so happy I’m the youngest.
simple sentence Mum and Dad always listen. Tomorrow I’m gonna have to
(A4)
keep well out the way of Sara. She will try and crush me but
still that’s all for know tomorrow will be another story ... link between entries:
both refer to feelings
about the following
sentence boundaries Sara’s Diary day (B4)
ignored (below A4)
I had an awful day ... we had to go to the zoo because of
that pesky little brother of mine. – that’s if he really is my
brother. I never get what I want it’s so unfair. I wanted to go
range of to the fashion shop but no – I had to go to the zoo instead. It
punctuation (A4):
dash, was even a sale so dad didn’t have to worry about money.
omission apostrophe
You know, sometimes I wander why I haven’t bursted. OK,
now lets talk about the day. Well, first I asked mum if we sentence introduces
next section (B4)
could go to the shops when Tom started pestering mum to go
to the zoo – such a wimp. Of course mum said yes! Then we
sentence variation
to suggest went into the car on a 1 hr journey to the zoo. That was the
conversational
language (A4) worse bit probably, Tom was so happy and he showed it by section develops
singing about lions. The finally we got to the zoo we had to detail (B4)
walk through this huge bird cage with millions of birds in it

and they all pooed on me. To make matters even worse my
best friend, Hillary was there. I knew she wouldn’t laugh out words mark
loud but I could see it in her eyes. Tomorrow in school I’ll be chronological
adaptation of verb sequence of
forms (A4): a laughing stock you see if I don’t. Oh, I don’t know, one day section
simple past, and group text
modals I will crack. I mean what did I do to deserve this, eh! The only together (B4)
good thing was when the trip was over.
120 | P a g e
Summary
Complex sentences with varied connectives, adapted verb forms, use of a simple sentence for
effect and different sentence types combine to indicate Band A4. A range of punctuation
supports meaning, although further consistency would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks

• Adaptation through character (turned on the crying technique) and contrast in attitude
amuses, eg Tom’s enthusiasm (Life is so great) matched with Sara’s despair (To make
matters even worse) (C4), although coverage of zoo in Tom’s diary is limited.
• Contrasting viewpoints evident: Tom and Sara refer to each other throughout (I bet Sara is
dead upset; he showed it by singing) (C4).
• Word choice supports character contrast (beaming, crushed, pesky, pestering);
conversational style provides interest and liveliness (Hmm. Lets see, yeah; Oh, I don’t know)
(C4).
Summary
In this pair of entries, differentiated characters are created and sustained, as the events of the day
are recounted in an entertaining style. These aspects emphasise the contrast in response and
provide evidence for Band C4; further content coverage in Tom’s diary to parallel Sara’s
experience would give highest mark in band.

Summary
The structure of the whole piece is indicated by clearly marked divisions in each diary entry;
references to common events offer further support by linking the two entries. These features,
together with evidence of some developed sections, justify the higher mark in Band B4. Greater
development of Tom’s experiences at the zoo, grouped to create an expanded section, would be
necessary for award of the top mark.
Band B4 – 7 marks
121 | P a g e
41. Dear Diary...
Tom’s Diary
I had a great day ... I was excited as soon as I got told that
we were going to the Roman mueseum by Mum and Dad. It
was fasinating to learn all about Romans. We got a map to
see where we wanted to go but we let our feet lead the way.
We got to build our own tapestry on the wall out of small
use of commas not
secure (below A4) mosaque squares. There was also an artist impression of
where the Romans walked on mosaques, I found that really
controlled structuring
intresting. Near the back of the museum there was a wheel (B5): Tom’s diary
with the Roman alphabet on it, my name was DPV. By that builds up to most
significant event (B5)
time my whole family was starving so we stopped for lunch.
It was lovely, we had burgers and chips. It was nearly time to
have a look at the other half of the mueseum but this time reference to location
we decided to have our map. First lf all we headed of to the supports shaping (B5)
additional words for
nuance of meaning
Roman armour room where you got to see a model Roman
(A4) soldier dressed in golden armour with a shield and a sword. specific event given
emphasis in Tom’s
In the same room behind glass there was necklaces and diary forms a
expansion adds detail jewlery that had been found by arciololigists. They seemed developed section and
(A4) contrasts with Sara’s
very fragile and delicate and if touched they would probably brief summary of the
rest of the day (B5)
snap. It looked like it took ages to carve the patterns onto
the real bronze.
To sum up I had a lovely, eventful day!
adaptation of verb
forms (A4)
Sara’s Diary
controlled structuring
I had an awful day ... we went to Roman mueseum, I’ve (B5): ‘tapestry’ event
mentioned in both
varied subordinating always to go there, oh how did you tell I’m being sarcastic? It diaries and given
connectives (A4)
was so boring, I begged and pleaded not to go right from the greater prominence in
Sarah’s diary
beginning. My feet hurted where we trampled round every
tiny inch of the mueseum. I decided to cheer myself up by
helping Tom build the tapestry but it just put me down even
word order used for
emphasis (above A4) more because it was far too hard, but Tom managed to do it
and he’s younger than me! By the time we got to write
our name in Roman I was bored stiff. What a stupid idea it
was to write your name in Roman only people from sadland later events dealt with
would do that! Oh, to make matters worse we stopped at more briefly(B5)
every single fact sheet, and there was 200 of them. I
range of punctuation
(A4), but some was tired, bored and just overall FED UP! I mean we
overuse of
exclamation marks
must have been the first family to stand there and look at
(below A4) every single fact sheet. I hope we never go back there again!
122 | P a g e
Summary
Grammatical variety, including complex sentences, adapted verbs and expansion indicate Band
A4; use of word order for effect suggests the upper mark. Evidence of punctuation range
(including consistent capitalisation for proper nouns), but further control of commas and
exclamation marks would be necessary for award of the top mark.
Band A4 – 7 marks

• Character indicated by content choice: Tom’s account reveals his interest (small mosaque
squares); selection of comments in Sara’s diary shows her negative attitude (it just put me
down even more) (C5).
• Viewpoint supports characterisation: Tom’s reflection focused on his thoughts about the
museum (would probably snap); Sara’s centres on her embarrassment (he’s younger than
me; first family to stand there) (C5).
• Tom’s fascination reflected in precise language (golden armour, arciololigists, fragile,
carve) and contrasts with Sara’s generalisation and colloquial choices (people from sadland,
every single fact sheet) (C5).
Summary
These diary entries successfully present the same events through the eyes of two different
characters, selecting content to vary emphasis and using word choice to suggest two writers
with contrasting perspectives. This engaging and amusing piece therefore merits the top mark.

Summary
The organisation of ideas in these two diary entries emphasises the characters’ contrasting
attitudes to common events; Tom’s diary builds to a climax with developed detail, whereas
Sara’s diary focuses on earlier events. This purposeful variation in the length and development
of sections shapes the whole text and justifies an award of the top mark.
Band B4 – 8 marks
123 | P a g e
42. Endangered Creature
sentences correctly
A Tongo lizard is a endangered creature demarcated (D2)
because it can eat up any sort of animals

even humans. They like to live in the dark
simple connectives and they live in a Nest they all don’t like to a sentence boundary
(D2) live with each other and they live in woods ignored (below D2)
and Rain forests. They mostly come out at

repetition of night. They are very dark coulered so you
subjects and verbs
(D2) can less see them in the night and they have
very scale skin and a long tail. They are very
dangeros because they can sting you and
noun phrase with
expansion (D2) make you very ill and they are poiseness and
you couled die. Now days there are very few
connections limited
of them and it may become extinct. They top pronouns
referring back to the
use of adjectives also eat plants and all sorts. They mostly live lizard (below D2)
(D2) in countrey’s like pensilvania, U.S.A. and lots
more places.
simple adverbial
(D2) comma (D2)

Summary
Although connection in the text is mainly limited to simple pronoun reference, evidence of
sentence demarcation together with adjectives and some expansion lead to an award of 2 marks.
Variation of sentence construction – particularly subjects – and more developed use of reference
necessary for award in the next band.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Information about the lizard includes several aspects, eg location (woods and Rain forests),
appearance (very dark coulered) (E2), although attempt at explanation is confused (because
it can eat up) (below E2).
• Description is mainly objective (like to live in the dark) with some evaluation (you couled
die) (E2).
• Some careful word choice (Nest, scale) but there is also vague reference (all sorts, lots more
places) (E2).
124 | P a g e
Summary
The description contains relevant detail about the lizard’s behaviour and appearance. Despite an
unsuccessful attempt at explanation, the informative approach, together with evidence of a
mainly objective viewpoint merit the higher mark in Band E2.
Band E2 – 3 marks
sentence The Tongo Lizard lives deep down in the secure sentence
developed using
subordination congo where it feasts on nice crunchy leaves. demarcation (D3)
(D3) Its claws are 20cm long so they can climb up
overuse of
trees like a monkey. But this creature is exclamation marks
getting extinct because humans are going to (below D3)
chop down all the trees (which has nice

some variation in
subjects (D3) crunchy leaves wich the Tango Lizard feast
on.) And now there is only about 20 Tango correct use of
brackets (above D3)
lizards left in the world!!! It can whip any
sentence
development lacks animals what try to attack him (like bugs) with
control (below D3) his tail! He has very good eyesight he can development of ideas
about lizard’s methods
see bugs from over 200 metres away so he of defence (D3)
expanded noun can be prepared to whack them with his tail!!!
phrases (D3)
So if you want to save these creatures take
action now!!! reference back to a
variation in structure: previous part of the
adaptation of verbs text (D3)
(above D3)
adverbial (D3)

Summary
Evidence of developed sentence structure, expanded phrases and varied sentence openings
suggest Band D3. Despite some loss of control (sentence expansion, exclamation marks),
grouping of content and use of back reference confirm the mark.
Band D3 – 3 marks
125 | P a g e
• Account is informative (20cm long, from over 200 metres away); some attempts to develop
content (because humans are going to) (above E2).
• Objective description sometimes evident (climb up trees) although writer’s evaluation
dominates (nice, good, take action now) (E2).
• Some choices support description (like a monkey, whip, attack), but effect weakened by
overemphasis (with his tail!!!) and repetition (nice crunchy leaves) (E2).
Summary
This account includes information about the lizard’s habitat and lifestyle to interest the reader.
The use of some supportive vocabulary and explanation justify the higher mark in Band E2.
Balance between the writer’s views and impersonal description, together with greater stylistic
consistency, necessary for award in next band.
Band E2 – 3 marks
The tongo Lizard lives in the Jungle he

makes his nest out of twigs way up in the comma used in list
(D2) but not
trees. They eat leafs, fruit from any tree nuts consistently
and acorns. Tongo Lizards are big. they have

a Green scaley Body with lilttle yellow eyes
expanded noun
phrase (D3) and small black claws. for hunting and connections built up
(D2)
eating there food. There used to be over
6000 Tongo Lizards now there are only nown
sentence boundaries
to be about 5 if all the wild animals like foxes, using full stops and
capital letters not
wolfs and more keep on killing them they will secure (below D2)
become extinct. therefor there will be no
subordination used more tongo lizards. the more the wild animals some development of
to develop sentences ideas (reasons why the
(above D2) come the less creatures that come. If People lizard is endangered)
(above D2) – but final
can rescue the tongo lizards now we might sentence on another
topic weakens idea
be able to keep them going. Tongo Lizards development within a
section
are nown to be one of the fastest creatures in
Europe.

Summary
Some sentence development through subordination and expansion give partial evidence for
Band D3. However, sentence demarcation is not secure, and, though reference between ideas is
evident, inconsistent grouping of ideas keeps the mark within Band D2.
Band D2 – 2 marks
126 | P a g e
• Description includes explanation (for hunting and eating there food, therefor there will be);
several aspects covered (makes his nest, They eat) (E3) although there is some repetition of
points (wild animals).
• A detached viewpoint is evident (nown to be); writer’s feelings are apparent but do not
dominate (we might be able to keep them going) (E3).
• Specific vocabulary adds relevant detail to description (twigs, acorns, small black claws)
(E3).
Summary
This is an informative description of the lizard, covering a range of content and including
explanation of its endangered status. These features, presented from an objective stance, merit
Band E3; less repetition of content in the second half necessary for higher mark in band.
Band E3 – 4 marks
The Tongo Lizard lives in South africa. It eats

demarcation of
flys, wasps, bees and other insects.The Tongo sentences consistent
(D3)
lizard is green with orange spots and black
expanded noun
phrases (D3) patches on its skin. It has a very long tongue
which also has orange spots. It has long claws
and a very long tale.
subordination (D3)
The tongo lizard is endangered becuase when it

incerts insets the stings will harm there throats.
It is also endagered because they can not hatch
adverbials (D3)
eggs and so this will not help it. connection between
ideas: reference back
(D3)
alot of people thing ‘Tongo Lizards’ are

poisonous as they spit out purpul liqued. But grouping and
development of
sciencetists beleive that they only do this to ideas (D3)
varied subjects (theme of poison)
(D3) prerect themself. The liqued is not poisenous at
all, you may even find The lizards in zoo’s.
127 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of grammatically sound sentences with some development (subordination, adverbials,
expansion) together with grouping of ideas and mostly secure demarcation merit Band D3. Use
of sentence structure for economy of expression, particularly in the first section, and more
evidence of within-sentence punctuation necessary for award in highest band.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• Informative coverage includes description, appearance, behaviour (spit out purpul liqued)
and risks to survival; detail supports explanation (to prerect themself) (C3).
• Impersonal stance established (alot of people, sciencetists beleive); writer’s viewpoint
relevant but not intrusive (may even find) (C3).
• Choice of words contributes to factual presentation (throats, hatch) (C3) although there is
some repetition (orange spots, poisonous).
Summary
The balanced account seeks to explain some interesting facts about the lizard, including reasons
for its endangered status. This, combined with a detached approach and some precise terms,
merits the higher mark in Band E3. For award in higher band, further adaptation of content
(such as appeal to reader) and selection of descriptive vocabulary to avoid repetition would be
necessary.
Band E3 – 5 marks
128 | P a g e
varied connectives The Tongo Lizard is a very beautiful and

(D4)
unique creature. It has dark green scales and
use of emphasis to
variation in
bright red markings. Its most distinctive feature focus on main feature
structure: passive (D4)
is a flap of dazzeling yellow skin, stood up right
(D4)
on the top of its head. It has very short but
powerful legs. These creatures live in
attempts to express rainforests. Where they live on branches of
idea economically trees. Tongo lizards eat small insects such as:
is not entirely colon used correctly
accurate ants, crickets, grasshoppers and also (D4)
(below D4)
cocroachs. But these amazing lizards are being
killed by people cutting down the trees in which
final sentence
they live in. Tongo Lizards are in great danger
shows economical of being extinct. I think that if the Tongo Lizards coverage: But indicates
expression of ideas start of section on
in complex did become extinct it would be a tragedy, for risks to survival (D4)
sentence expressed
accurately (D4) these creatures are so amazing and wondeful.
variation in accurate comma use

structure: use of within the sentence
modal (D4) (D4)

Summary
Despite some lack of control with ambitious structures, other secure evidence of developed
sentences offering variety and economy of expression suggest Band D4. This is confirmed by
the use of emphasis to organise ideas, together with mostly accurate punctuation.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Content is detailed and covers several aspects; adaptation evident in appeal (great danger of
being extinct) (E4).
• Writer conveys awe for lizard’s qualities (beautiful, unique, powerful); informative approach
sustained (E4).
• Vivid visual description (dazzeling yellow skin); emotive appeal (tragedy) (E4) although
slightly weakened by use of first person (I think) and repetition (amazing).
129 | P a g e
Summary
This descriptive piece combines informative detail and thorough content coverage with
expression of concern for the lizard’s plight, justifying an award of the higher mark in Band E4.
Slightly greater stylistic control would be necessary for Band E5.
Band E4 – 7 marks
sentence variety: The Tongo Lizard is a herbivore and will eat about
use of adapted organisation: use of
verb forms (D4) any plant in Indonesia. It particularly likes palm emphasis (D4)
leaves and reeds so they are mainly up trees or in the

water. They are hard to spot with there khaki and
murky brown scales, however they were hunted by comments about
use of passive appearance grouped
(D4) humans many years ago. Tongo Lizards are together, supporting
thorough coverage (D4)
approximately the same size of a flattened brick, and
just as heavy. Their slimy, sticky tails help them to
climb up rough surfaces as well as their dagger-like
claws. Their glowing, red eyes are like rubies and are
varied connectives
(D4) their disadvantage in defense. They were given the
name Spiny Devil by the Aztecs whom thought they
range of punctuation
were evil spirits and slaughtered thousands. The few used accurately (D4):
economy of commas,
expression (D4) that live among us are hiding in the palm trees hyphen,
waiting until they are given the respect they deserve. use of capital letters for
proper nouns

Summary
Sentence variety is evident in the form of passive structures, adapted verbs and economical
expression. These features, combined with a range of correct punctuation and well-organised
ideas, justify the award of Band D4.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Effective placing of content adds significance, eg detail of Aztecs’ belief (thought they were
evil spirits) sequenced after visual description of lizard (E5).
• Authoritative voice sustained through geographical (Indonesia) and historical explanation;
writer’s view evident but controlled (slaughtered, the respect they deserve) (E5).
• Images support description (dagger-like, like rubies); technical vocabulary used
meaningfully (herbivore / plant) (E5).
130 | P a g e
Summary
This report presents a rich description of the lizard integrated with a knowledgeable explanation
of its endangered status. The selection of style and content for purpose and convincing
viewpoint justify an award of the top mark.
Band E5 – 8 marks
48. Can I Stay Up?

SENTENCE STRUCTURE TEXT STRUCTURE &
& PUNCTUATION ORGANISATION
Scene 1
Joe: (pleading) Dad, can I stay up to watch
something special on the TV tonight?
Dad: I don’t know, it depends on what it is ...
dialogue includes
Mum: (coming into the room) ... And what time it
questions (A2), finishes.
but question
marks are not used
(below A2)
Joe: It finishes at ten ‘o’clock Please can I watch it.
Dad: Well it’s on a bit late.
Joe: Please I’ll do the washing up after tea lines spoken by
different characters
tonight. PLEASE! support sequence
(B2)
mum: Joe we’ll tell you later ok go put the oven
on to warm up please!.
Joe: Can’t you do it.
Dad: Joe do, as your told.
pronoun connection
Joe: But dad. between sentences
simple noun phrases
(A2) Dad No but go, and do what your mum tells spoken by different
characters (B2)
you too.
mum. It will only take a minute.
attempt to use (Joe comes back into the room).
commas to mark
clauses (above Joe: Can I watch that program please.
A2), but elsewhere
commas inserted mum: you can watch it for half an hour. simple division
between events
inaccurately Dad. Then go to bed. using stage
(below A2)
Joe: Oh thanks mum. I'll do the washing directions (B2),
although not
up for one week, and I will clean my bedroom consistent
playscript
conventions for two weeks.
(brackets and (Joe goes to his room excited for the program)
colons) are mostly
used (A2) Joe: THANKS MUM.
Dad: What you doing.
Joe: Going to tidy my room.
events drawn to a
Mum: Do it properly. simple conclusion
simple adverb used
in stage directions
(Joe finally watched the program, and went to bed a nine through stage
directions rather than
(A2) fifteen.) dialogue (B2)
131 | P a g e
Summary
Use of simple noun phrases, an adverb and inclusion of questions indicate Band A2. Incorrect
use of commas and some weaknesses in sentence demarcation suggest the lower mark in this
band.
Band A2 – 2 marks

• Dialogue between characters is relevant to the topic; Joe’s persuasion is represented (Please
I’ll do the washing up) (C2) although reasons are not developed.
• The writer suggests Joe’s insistence through his repeated requests (Can I watch that program
please) (C2).
• Vocabulary choice is mainly simple (tidy, bedroom); some attempts to use conversational
features of language (Well, Oh) (C2), but not for persuasive effect.
Summary
Playscript form is maintained and relevant content is presented, with some impression of
conversational language. Some development of characters and the persuasive theme necessary
for higher mark in band.
Band C2 – 3 marks

Summary
The marking of simple divisions between events, and some use of pronouns for reference lead
to Band B2; evidence of a brief conclusion indicates the higher mark in band. More
development of events through dialogue necessary for award in higher band.
Band B2 – 3 marks
132 | P a g e
49. Can I Stay Up?
Scene 1
finishes.
expanded noun
phrase (A2)
Joe: Its a Horror film & it finishes at 11:45
Mum: no way you’ll be to tiered for school.
Dad: whats it called & what age. topic of ‘age’
Mum: I dont care what it called I want to know what age it is. introduced –
Joe: its a 12.
repetition of subject
and verb (A2) Dad: its not that bad.
Mum: its a 12 its too old for you your not watching it and thats
and then developed
that. over a series of
Joe: (pegging) Mum I am 11 its a 12 I am about connected comments
as characters discuss
16 weeks to young. Please. it (B3)
simple adverb
and adjective (A2) Dad: (gently) Love come on let him watch it its a Horror & a
12.
Mum: (angry) its a Horror he might get nightmares.
subordinate clauses
Dad: Yes but if he does it his own folt for pegging to watch it.
suggest Joe: yes mum I don’t care if Iget nightmares
possibilities
(above A2) Mum: yes but if you have nightmares you’ll end up running to
me.
Joe: no I whot Oh please mum please Dadevery one at
school will be talking about it tomorrow & I whot beable to say
anything about it because...
Mum: (huffing & puffing) You whot of watched it
Joe: Yes please please PLEASE!!!!
Mum & Dad: (Shouting) Ok if only you will shut up.
evidence of correct
sentence change in time
demarcation (A2) (1 & a half hours later) develops plot and
but elsewhere
many boundaries Mum; look supports overall
organisation (B3)
are ignored
(below A2)
Dad: ha he pegged to watch this & know he’s a......
Mum: and know he’s asleep.
Dad: (get up turns the T.V. off & goes to bed.
Mum: (get a blankit puts it over Joe
& goes to bed. Morning!
context of final events
Joe: (Sleepily) I am up. not entirely clear (below
Mum: come on B3), weakening ending
slightly
Joe: (goes back to sleep).
133 | P a g e
Summary
Use of simple adjectives and adverbs in stage directions, together with some expanded phrases
place the script in Band A2; some subordination suggests the upper mark. Greater consistency
and use of punctuation necessary for award in higher band.
Band A2 – 3 marks

• Attempts to develop persuasion and character within playscript form, including Joe’s
reasoning (every one at school) and use of stage directions (Mum: (huffing & puffing)) (C2).
• Some evidence of attitude towards characters: Dad portrayed as sympathetic to Joe (let him
watch it) (C2).
• Some language features suggest authentic dialogue (Joe: because… Mum: You whot of
watched it) (above C2).
Summary
Presentation of characters, some development of the persuasive theme and evidence of
viewpoint suggest Band C2; the use of conversation features justifies the highest mark.
Maintenance of pace at the end necessary for award in higher band.
Band C2 – 5 marks

Summary
Introduction and expansion of a relevant topic within a logically structured text give evidence
for Band B3. Greater clarity of events at the end would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
134 | P a g e
50. Can I Stay Up?
Scene 1
finishes.
expanded noun
phrase (A3) Joe: (Putting puppy eyes on his face)
It finishes at 10:00pm Mum.
Dad: (getting stressed)
You stayed up late last night. stage direction
establishes new section,
subordinate clause Mum: (putting hands on her hips) contributing to overall
suggests possibility text organisation (B3)
(A3) I agree with your father.
Joe: (Begging drops on his knees)
But mum, it’s the last show of the series. If you let
me watch it I’ll go to bed half an hour early and do
mostly secure
sentence the washing for week.
demarcation (A3)
Mum: (sighs) You said that last week and you reference to previous
only did one plate. Well not even that. sentence maintains
connection (B3)
variation in
sentence structure
Joe: (face hangs) Please mum, I’ll will do
to give impression the washing and besides I am thirteen.
of spoken language
(A3) Dad: Joe this is all your getting twenty
minutes.
Mum: Yes Joe, that’s all your getting, but you topic development:
some use of content links with
commas to don’t have to go to bed earlier or do Joe’s words from
separate parts of a earlier (B3)
sentence (A3) the washing. Don’t forget we are
going out tommoro
Joe: (face relaxes) Thanks mum, thanks
conclusion of scene
dad, your the best. (bounds up to his relates to earlier
conversation (B3)
room like a dog).

Summary
Mostly secure demarcation and some evidence of commas, together with conversational
sentence variation and expansion lead to Band A3. Greater use of subordination necessary for
higher mark in band.
Band A3 – 4 marks
135 | P a g e
• Detail to interest and amuse reader also develops content: Joe’s bargaining (do the
washing…) and Mum’s response (C3).
• Scene is mostly presented from Joe’s point of view, supported by stage directions ((face
hangs), (face relaxes)) (C3).
• Choice of ‘dog’ image (puppy eyes) increases persuasive effect and adds impact to ending
(like a dog) (C3).
Summary
Use of detail, word choice for persuasive effect and development of viewpoint lead to an award
in Band C3. Further development of content (for example, detail about the programme) needed
for highest mark in band.
Band C3 – 7 marks

Summary
Use of stage directions to give overall structure to the playscript and links between the content
of sentences suggest Band B3. More development of topics within the speech of individual
characters necessary for higher mark in band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
136 | P a g e
51. Can I Stay Up?
Scene 1
finishes.
topic expansion: Dad’s

Joe: (thinking) words introduce the
first topic, which is
Erm, I don’t know. I think it’s 11 or somethink. then further developed
Mum: No, thats too late! by Mum’s question and
some Joe’s response (B3)
opportunities to
Dad: Well we don’t know what he wants to watch yet do we.
use punctuation Joe: Yer, exacly, Dads right.
ignored (below Mum: Well what is it then?
A4)
Joe: It a film called Space age. It’s really cool. There’s this man
who comes along and steals all the space ships and......
Mum: (butting in)
short sentences I don’t know, what do you think Steve?
and interrupted whole text
speech (A4) Dad: (excitedly) organisation: change
Oh yer, he’s gotta watch it, I watched it when I was his age and it’s of conversational
the most fantastic film I have ever watched! topic from ‘content
of film’ to ‘shower’
Mum: I know, but he’s got to have a shower at half 6 because he establishes a new
sentence variation: didn’t have one tonight. section (B3)
different question Dad: Or the night before.
types (A4)
Joe: (pleading)
Oh, but Mum, It won’t be on again
and all my friends Mum and Dad
subordination let them watch things.
creates sentence
complexity (A4)
Dad: Yes, but were not them are we. connections
Joe: (looking sweet) maintained by
reference back to
But Mum, I’ll go to bed early tommorow night I promise. previous speaker
adaptation of verb Mum: (angrily) (B3)
forms to refer to NO! I think it’s to late and you have to get up
past and future
(A4) early in the morning
Joe: (begging)
Mum, can I please just watch half of it, Please, Please, Please?
Dad: Go on Maxine, let him watch half of it.
It’s not rude or scary or anythink.
Mum: Ok, but only half and if you don’t get up at half 6, you will
NEVER stay up late again.
Mum’s decision
range of You hear me. provides a resolution
punctuation
including commas (Jumpping up and down) and allows events to
and apostrophes of Joe: Oh Yes! Thanks, Mum, Dad. Your the best!!! move towards
omission (A4) conclusion (B3)
137 | P a g e
Summary
Variety of sentence types including speech-like question forms, along with adapted verbs and
the combination of complex and simple sentences indicate Band A4. Use of a range of
punctuation supports this judgement, but further accuracy necessary for higher mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks

• Pace is maintained by lively, engaging interactions which develop debate around the issue
(and… Mum: (butting in) I don’t know / Dad: (excitedly) Oh yer, he’s gotta watch it) (C3).
• Viewpoint is controlled: Mum’s attitude gradually softens as a result of Dad’s persuasive
support for Joe (Go on Maxine) (above C3).
• Choice of words and phrases contributes to the spoken quality of the dialogue (or somethink,
do we, are we) (C3).
Summary
Development of relevant exchanges between characters to interest the reader, presented through
convincing dialogue, leads to Band C3. Sustained use of viewpoint merits the highest mark in
band.
Band C3 – 8 marks

Summary
Use of changes in topic to structure the text, together with some development and expansion of
individual topics, give evidence for a mark in Band B3. The organisation of ideas to lead to a
conclusion and reference connections between speakers suggest the higher mark in band.
Band B3 – 5 marks
138 | P a g e
52. Can I Stay Up?
Scene 1
finishes.
range of Joe: It only goes on until 9:10, please, pretty please...with a cherry
punctuation: on top!
dashes and ellipsis
used to represent
Mum: So, what program is it?
spoken features Joe: (getting excited) It’s an extra long episode of
(pauses, – (start singing the theme tune) ... ‘The Simpson’s’ Da-Da Da... variation in reference
continuation) (A4) to the programme (B4)
Mum: (shouting) NO!
Dad: You know how we feel about letting you watch that awful
program.
Mum: (sighing) I know that you think that we are harsh, Joe, but it topic of ‘quality of
programme’ is
isn’t educational! introduced and there
(Dad walks out of the room) is some development
(B4)
Dad: (shouting from the kitchen) Anyway Joe it’s school tomorrow,
and I doubt that any of your friends will be watching it.
Joe: But I have to watch it, otherwise I won’t find out what happened
to lisa!
Mum: Maybe your friends will tell you at school. sequenced section:
adaptation of verb related topic of
forms to refer to (Dad walks back in with a cup of tea) ‘friends watching
future and Joe: But Dad said that they probably won’t be programme’ is
past (A4) developed by
watching it either! interaction between
(Mum and Dad both sigh) Dad, Joe and Mum
(B4)
Dad: Joe, do you actually know how lucky you are?
(Joe grunts)
Dad: In my day we were lucky to get to stay
up until seven o’clock!
(Joe yawns with boredom)
Dad: (frowning) Joe, just listen to me, young man!
Do as I say and go to your room!
Joe: What’s the time?
Dad: Look for yourself. you know how to tell the
phrases repeated time. end section provides
for effect (A4) Joe: (looking at the clock) Oh no! It’s 9:00 already a conclusion, and also
supports structure by
I have already missed most of ‘The Simpsons’. linking back to an
Mum: (sarcastically) Oh no! what a disaster! earlier theme in the
Dad: Well if you haven’t seen the first bit then discussion (B4)
there is no point watching the last ten minutes!

Joe: (rolling his eyes) Whatever!
complex sentence Mum: Don’t speak to your father like that!
followed by one-
word utterance (Joe switches the television on)
(A4) TV: Yes, Bart, always do what your parents tell you!
Mum: (turning it off) See, even The simpsons children have to listen
to their parents!
139 | P a g e
Summary
Accurate use of a range of punctuation to give the impression of speech, together with variety of
sentence structure and adaptation of verbs justify the higher mark in Band A4. Further
consistency of punctuation needed for the top mark.
Band A4 – 7 marks

• Stage directions support character differentiation ((sighing), (sarcastically)); Joe’s reactions
change from initial enthusiasm (It’s an extra long episode) to apathy (Whatever!) (C4).
• Joe portrayed as willing to challenge his parents’ authority (But Dad said that); Mum gives
impression of adhering to principles (C4).
• Some word choice supports characterisation (young man) and sharp commands indicate
parents’ change in attitude (go to your room! Don’t speak to your father like that!) (C4).
Summary
Adaptation of playscript form to develop character and control of viewpoint indicate Band C4.
Further selection of language choices to show differences between characters needed for highest
mark in band.

Summary
Sequencing of content and sustained development of topics related to the main issue indicate
Band B4. Establishment of a link between the ending and previous ideas in the text merits the
higher mark.
Band B4 – 7 marks
140 | P a g e
53. Can I Stay Up?
Scene 1
finishes.
Joe: It’s the biggest football game of the season, Arsenal are against
Manchester United.
Mum: I don’t know, those games are on very late.
(Making a praying sign.) control of content
variety of sentence Joe: Go on I’ll be the only one in the class who didn’t watch it. focus within
types includes dialogue: Mum
imperative Dad (frowning): You did watch T.V. last night, you introduces the subject
and question (A4) watched that game show. of the spelling
test; Joe deliberately
Mum: Your father has got a point, and you have avoids continuation
your football match and spelling test tomorrow, you of the topic; Mum
returns to the topic
want to do well in them don’t you? which is then
Joe (thinking): But watching the football tonight would um...er... help developed further
by Dad (B5)
me for my game tomorrow,
some evidence of
a range of
it’ll give me some tips.
punctuation used Mum (getting up): What about your test Joe, you
with accuracy want to do well in that don’t you.
(A4)
Dad: Yes your education is more important
than football, Joe
Joe: But football keeps me healthy and just yesterday you said
health is more important than anything.
some opportunities Mum (going out of the room): Joe you always watch something why
to use punctuation don’t you forfit T.V. tonight for watching something tomorrow?
have been missed
(below A4)
Joe: can’t it be the other way round?
Dad (exasperated): Joe you’ll just do this tomorrow like you did last
night.
Mum (coming into the room with a coffee): Joe I have decided that if sequencing
you watch T.V. tonight you have to wash up for the rest of the the contributes to shape
of text: Dad’s
complex sentence week. comment begins a
and short utterance
(A4) Dad: No need all this time we’ve bee bickering, the new section and also
refers back to whole
match has finished. conversation (B5)
Joe (mortified): Oh no!
Mum: Oh well sweetie you can watch the hilights
tomorrow but now you can go to bed.
Joe (accepting defeat): Ok, night mum, night dad.
(Joe goes upstairs)
adaptation of Dad: Ha! He fell for it again! strategic placing of
verb forms (A4) Mum: Worked like a charm! events: quick
changes of setting
(Upstairs in Joe’s bedroom) and action provide a
Joe: Ha! they fell for that trick again! double plot twist at
the end for maximum
(Joe turns on the T.V. happily and watches the match.) impact (B5)
141 | P a g e
Summary
Some variety of sentence types, a combination of complex sentences and short utterances
together with adapted verb forms indicate Band A4. There is a range of punctuation, but some
weaknesses suggest the lower mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks

• Adaptation includes quickening of pace for comic impact and indication of character
reactions ((exasperated), (mortified)) (C5).
• The writer deliberately withholds Joe’s true perspective on events until the final line (C5).
• Stylistic features differentiate between characters (Oh well sweetie); a change to short
sentences (Worked like a charm!) and word patterning (Ha!) contribute to ending (C5).
Summary
The writer has adapted playscript form to full effect, selecting viewpoint and style to produce a
lively and humorous scene that merits the highest mark.

Summary
Control and shaping of the whole text, apparent through management of topic between speakers,
back reference and the effective manipulation of events at the end justify the award of the top
mark.
Band B5 – 8 marks
142 | P a g e
54. It’s my favourite meal
PUNCTUATION & TEXT
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
ORGANISATION
My favote kind of food is Ravaoil.

sentence correctly
If you haven’t taste it before demarcated (D2) but
you should it is brilliant! If you like elsewhere a boundary
some subordination is ignored
(above D2), but use is Tomoto suce you be ok, also you
repetitive should try it if you like meat.
It is cut out into a pack simple, repetitive
shape with curly edges. It doesn’t pronoun reference
back to ‘Ravaoil’
really smell of anything but what links sentences
simple connectives
used to link clauses you can smell is the steam (below D2)
(D2) coming of the Ravaoil so it
can get hot, but it is naice. short statement to
end the piece (D2)

Summary
Sentence demarcation with full stops and capital letters, simply connected clauses and a brief
conclusion lead to an award of 2 marks.
Although there is some subordination, further evidence of expansion and connection within the
text would be necessary for an award in the next band.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Brief description of the meal’s appearance (pack shape) and attempts to help the reader
understand what it tastes like (If you like Tomoto suce, if you like meat) (E2).
• Some sentences convey the writer’s enthusiasm for the meal (it is brilliant!) (E2).
• Occasional word choice supports description (curly edges, steam) but vocabulary is
predominantly general (hot, naice) (E2).
Summary
The inclusion of some relevant detail about the meal and some impression of the writer’s
enjoyment provide evidence for Band E2. However, more descriptive vocabulary choices
would be necessary for the higher mark in this band.
Band E2 – 2 marks
143 | P a g e
PUNCTUATION & TEXT
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
ORGANISATION
My favourite dish is Tuna Pasta. It is just evidence of secure

plain heated up pasta with tuna emptied sentence demarcation
over the top of it. (D3)
subordination (D3) It has a nice smell because it isn’t too plain or comma used to
too fishy. The top of the dish looks like a bush, separate clauses
adverbial (D3) because the tuna is shreaded into tiny little (D3)
pieces.
expanded noun
phrases (D3) The pasta should fill up a full size plate. The connections in text:
tinned tuna is best because the oil makes the reference back to
the previous
tuna more juicy. This makes the tuna more sentence
softer which is easier to chew. establishes link
(D3)

Summary
Although there is limited punctuation within the sentence, evidence of secure demarcation
together with expansion, subordination and reference between sentences justify the award of
3 marks.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• The description covers several aspects of the meal, including some visual detail (tiny little
pieces) and attempts to inform the reader (looks like a bush) (above E2).
• Parts of the writing give a positive impression of the meal (more juicy, easier to chew) (E2).
• Some vocabulary choice supports the description (fishy, shreaded) but this is not consistent
(nice smell) (E2).
Summary
The description promotes the meal and some words and phrases add detail and interest.
Attempts to develop coverage and explain the meal to the reader suggest the higher mark in
Band E2.
Band E2 – 3 marks
144 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE PUNCTUATION & TEXT

ORGANISATION
secure demarcation
My favourite meal is a Jacket potato. of the sentence is
sustained throughout
It is thoroughly enjoyable to eat. the piece (D3)
variation in subjects
(D3) The smell is breathtaking and amazing.
You can taste it dissolve in your mouth
as quick as a mouse running across a
subordination room. It looks fluffy and has the most
contributes to
sentence complexity magnificant colour. It looks as yellow
(D3)
and as tasty as a vanilla ice cream.
The delicious, crispy skin is edible connections in text:
expanded noun too. It looks fantasticly tasty and a new topic (skin)
is linked with the
phrases (D3)
amazingly good. I could have it previous section
(D3)
adverbial (D3)
every day of the year. Everything
about Jacket potatoes are divine. There
could not be anything bad about
it. The skin is a wonderful brown colour
some weakness in
like the branch of a tree. the grouping of
ideas (below D3)
Jacket potatoes are
definately my favourite meal.

Summary
Some grouping of ideas is not secure and comma use is limited, but nevertheless, evidence of
expansion, adverbials, sentence variation and consistency of demarcation justify the award of 3
marks.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• Different parts of the potato are described (The skin), some with visual images to help the
reader (like the branch of a tree) and some reference to other senses (The smell is …) (E3).
• A consistently enthusiastic attitude is maintained (enjoyable, amazingly good) (E3), but
some evaluative comments are general rather than specific (below E3).
• Some vocabulary choices are precise (dissolve) and add persuasive appeal (fluffy, crispy)
(E3).
145 | P a g e
Summary
The use of images to describe the potato, together with consideration of other senses and some
careful word choices, show an awareness of purpose and indicate a mark in Band E3. More
specific use of evaluative comment would be necessary for higher mark in band.
Band E3 – 4 marks

ORGANISATION
My favourite meal is pizza with chips

because it smells lovely and heavenly.
adverbial (D3)
When you look at it you see a circular shape development of ideas
with a brown crust sarounding the hole thing. within sections (D3):
spatial references used
The top of the pizza look creamy to organise this
subordination (D3)
with cheese. At the bottom of the pizza is a soft paragraph
dough witch all adds to the taste. In the middle
is a thick coat of tamato sauce. The chips are yellow comma used to
separate clauses
and soft, also they are long and thin. (D3)
expanded noun
phrases (D3)
It tastes like melted cheese on toast with
tamato sauce but even nicer. It tastes creamy
adverbial (D3) secure sentence
and it’s hot. When you eat it the taste lasts demarcation (D3)
in your moutn. It melts in your mouth therefore
making it delisious and making it the best meal
ever.

Summary
Expanded noun phrases, adverbials and sentences extended by subordination give evidence for
Band D3; development of ideas and secure demarcation confirm the mark. Further use of
punctuation within the sentence and greater variation of sentence structure would be necessary
for award in highest band.
Band D3 – 3 marks
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• Thorough coverage includes visual description of different parts of the pizza (brown crust
sarounding the hole thing) and developed reference to taste (creamy, like melted cheese)
(E3).
• Evaluative phrases create an attractive impression of the meal (all adds to the taste, but even
nicer) (E3).
• Careful selection of phrases adds specific detail to description (circular shape, soft dough,
thick coat) (E3).
Summary
Use of detail, well-chosen vocabulary and the sustained development of content contribute to an
appealing description and lead to the award of the higher mark in Band E3. Further adaptation
for the reader, particularly at the beginning of the piece, would be necessary for an award in the
next band.
Band E3 – 5 marks

ORGANISATION
sentence variation range of

(D4): simple sentence My favourite meal is ackee and saltfish. It’s an punctuation
amazing dish full of colours so vibrant it catches includes
accurately placed
your attension straight away. The fragrance makes apostrophes of
your mouth water. It gives you stress releaf when omission, brackets
(D4)
subordinate clause you smell it.
contributes to
sentence complexity It’s also like a festival of textures such as soft and
chewy. In the end (when you finally placed it in your
phrase contributes
expanded phrase mouth) you’ll feel an explosion of flavours so to shape of text by
expresses meaning
economically (D4) heavenly you’ll want more and more each time. The creating emphasis
(D4)
best thing about it is that it satisfies your apetite
additional word to whatever you feel. Its also quite easy to make.
give shade of
meaning (D4) Ackee and saltfish was originally made in Jamaica.
My auntie was the first person who made me ackee
varied connectives
link clauses (D4)
and saltfish when I was five and ever since then
it’s been my favourite meal. You can eat it with
short imperative for bread, dumplings or nothing at all. Come now! Your
effect
life time experience is yet to come.
147 | P a g e
Summary
A range of connectives, expanded phrases and varied sentence structures give evidence for Band
D4; this is supported by organisation which creates emphasis together with accurate
punctuation.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Appeal to the reader is integrated into the description (when you finally placed it in your
mouth) and used for final impact (Come now!) (E4).
• Viewpoint is authoritative: writer makes informative comments (originally made in
Jamaica) (above E4).
• Words and phrases to interest and excite (vibrant, festival of textures, explosion of flavours)
(E4).
Summary
The writing presents a persuasive and knowledgeable description, which appeals to the senses
and conveys the reasons for the writer’s enthusiasm, leading to an award of 7 marks. Slightly
more description of the meal itself would be necessary for 8 marks.
Band E4 – 7 marks
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ORGANISATION
My favourite meal is a roast meal – Roast appropriately used dash

contributes to range of
Beef. The taste of the roast beef is a treat punctuation (D4)
worth waiting for. The gravy cooked with the although elsewhere
there is incorrect
meat will be a treat anyday. punctuation use
(below D4)
The braised carots and pastnips taste like

sentence complexity: stars melting in your mouth. The yorkshire
expanded phrases
(D4) puddings drowning in gravy is the best treat
you could ask for. The gravy, the roast beef
and pea’s taste like sunbeams.
The smell wafts underneath doors and organisation (D4):
sentence complexity:
spread throughout the house, slipping through first part of the
paragraph focuses
additional clauses key holes, welcoming you towards the on smell –
link ideas together
within a long but well spectacular meal awaiting you in the
structured sentence kitchen. The sight of the churines of
(D4)
gravy, the bowl of vegetables, and the – the switch to
appearance creates
platter of meat, and the tray of yorkshire emphasis
pudding is irresistable.
varied sentence thorough coverage
structure (D4): The thing that makes it so special, (D4): final
simple joining with is that you look forward to having on a paragraph develops
‘and’ used for effect theme of
Sunday. The very smell of it, you only ‘specialness’
smell once a week on Sundays. Having it in the
additional words for
emphasis (D4) evening, then going to bed, feeling warm full, is
also a treat that a roast dinner provides. range of
punctuation (D4):
correct
capitalisation

Summary
Controlled management of complex sentence structures varied to support meaning, together
with developed organisation of ideas and mostly correct punctuation, merit the award of 4
marks.
Band D4 – 4 marks
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• Content is well placed to arouse reader’s interest: the description of the entire meal (The
sight of the churines …) delayed for impact (E5).
• The writer convincingly emphasises the significance of the meal (only smell once a week on
Sundays) (E5).
• Word choice consistently appeals to the senses (wafts, drowning in gravy); use of detail
enhances description (braised, platter) (E5).
Summary
The description creates excitement by building up anticipation, as well as exploring the meal’s
impact through the senses. This full account reveals why the meal is special from the writer’s
point of view and justifies an award of the top mark.
Band E5 – 8 marks
150 | P a g e
60. Time for a Change?
One big problem will be for kids who walk to school.

evidence of
adverbials (above In the morning at 7:00am it may still be dark. In the
A2), but their use morning it is very hard to see children if they are
is repetitive
wearing dark clothes.
Some children who usually sleep late might end up

subordinating
connectives falling asleep in lessons.
(above A2)
Another bad thing is that the kids don’t get any time
to muck around with their friends. Another thing is
repetitive subjects that mums and dads arn’t usually home and are connection built up by
(A2) pronoun reference (B2)
usually working.
When kids get to school they are often hungary and

have breckfast when they wake up, but with this they
indication of
have to survive on the nights before dinner. As well additional
as that the ones that walk to school have to go to information to
follow (B2)
school and to excercises before breckfast.
simple connectives
with some connected
variation (A2) Breckfast is not at all good for people with milk
vocabulary develops
allergies because if there is cereal then can’t have topics (B2)
milk on it.
If there is lessons all morning with out a break then although the piece
accurate use of does not have an
sentence you might a cramp in your hand. Overall this change introduction, there is a
demarcation (A2) is not a good idea. concluding statement
(B2)

Summary
Some sentence features (adverbials, subordinating connectives) characteristic of A3, but
repetition of sentence openings and very limited evidence of commas keeps the mark at the top
of Band A2.
Band A2 – 3 marks
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• Some relevant content and explanation of ideas (because if there is cereal); address to
audience less secure (switches between kids and you) (C2).
• Writing expresses opposition to new timetable (big problem) (C2).
• Some vocabulary supports persuasive purpose (survive) or is specific (allergies), but
elsewhere simple terms are used (C2).
Summary
There is some evidence of the development of content and the piece maintains a simple but clear
point of view. Greater use of persuasive vocabulary would be necessary for a mark in the higher
band.
Band C2 – 5 marks

Summary
The piece has some overall shape, and there is evidence of connections within the text; greater
grouping of ideas and organisation within paragraphs would be necessary for Band B3.
Band B2 – 3 marks
152 | P a g e
some variation in I think the new timetable is great! I love the fact we brief introductory
use of modal verbs statement (B2)
can do alot of sport because I think I’m a sporty
(A3) additional
person. Also as you may not know, I love working so
information
I agree with the amount of time we have for lessons. indicated (B2)
adverbials help to
Sometimes I think assembalys fun but I’m not too
vary sentence sure about the arrangement about the assembaly
openings (A3)
time. If we have breakfast at school I think that
use of pronoun to
minght be a problem because some people are fussy refer back (B2)
sentence
demarcation secure eaters and they may not have anything. Now the
(A3) registration thing I think can be a bit of a problem with
me because I hate registration and as it says on the attempts to indicate
use of comma to divisions between
separate parts of time table there is alot of time being spent on that. I sections of text (B2),
sentence (A3) but effect weakened
have quite alot of bad points to be made too. firstly, I
as content not
adaptation of verb just don’t really agree with the assembally because I always grouped
form (passive) think some kids would prefer to do some work logically
(above A3), but (registration)
elsewhere limited instead. Also I do think it’s good because I think when
variety of teachers read things out to you I think it’s fun and I
subordinating
connectives adore him practice because I love singing. And
another bad thing I think is Registration because
again we could be learning things.
some weaknesses
in the control of
longer sentence
structures
(below A3)

Summary
Some variety of adverbials and modals suggests Band A3; there is also mostly correct sentence
demarcation. Less repetition of connectives and more control over the development of long
sentences would be necessary for the higher mark in this band.
Band A3 – 4 marks

• A series of opinions, with some explanation, covers several areas of content (C2); however
initial support for new timetable unbalanced by main emphasis on problems.
• Writer’s attitude is expressed (I agree with) (C2), although views are not consistently held.
• Some vocabulary supports persuasive purpose (love, adore) (above C2), but other choices
are unspecific and repetitive (registration thing, read things, bad thing).
153 | P a g e
Summary
The writing expresses relevant views about several aspects of the new timetable, with some
development and attempts to use language persuasively. However, weakness in consistency of
purpose keeps the mark within Band C2.
Band C2 – 5 marks

Summary
Some simple overall organisation of text together with some use of cohesion lead to Band B2.
However, weaknesses with the grouping of similar ideas suggest the lower mark in this band.
Band B2 – 2 marks
154 | P a g e
Firstly I would like to say that the new timetable may conventional
some variation of organisational words
modal verbs (A3), have many good points but also a few bad points. and phrases are
but also some Unfortunately you will have to get up early, and will integrated into the text,
repetitive use helping to give overall
(below A3)
have to have enough energy to do some energetic structure (B3)
excersises.
use of commas to Although you will be getting up early, that will result
separate phrase (A3) in you having the whole afternoon off.
You will have 4 hours of tiring work non-stop, with
subordinate clause no break, but then you will have them over and done
expands sentence
(A3) with so you can relax and enjoy yourself in the logical link within the
paragraph connects a
afternoon. Furthermore the lessons wouldn’t be related point (B3)
verb forms varied spread out so you would be very busy.
and adapted Although you may think that you won’t be very
(above A3)
to refer to: energetic for the exercise session at 7.20am it may
continuous action help you to wake up and help you to concentrate
more when you are doing your work.
future time However, you will get a fair bit of homework so I think organisation within
the homework club is an excellent idea. You will be the paragraph: an
past time opinion is given and
able to get all your homework done, so you have then backed up with
more time to do some sport and other fun things. reasons (B3)
In conclusion to what I have said so far, I think the
adverbial varies new timetable is a fairly good Idea. although you
sentence
construction (A3) have to get up early, it may result in a few students connections
being late. maintained by
reference back to
I hope what I have said has been interesting and previous ideas (B3)
worth listening too.
Thank you.

Summary
Extended sentences, adverbials and some accurate use of commas with mainly secure sentence
demarcation suggest Band A3; evidence of adapted verb forms (above A3) takes the mark to the
top of the band. Less repetition of modal verbs and greater range of punctuation would be
necessary for the higher band.
Band A3 – 5 marks
155 | P a g e
• The opinion piece is clearly in support of new timetable: writing anticipates possible
concerns (Although you may think) and emphasises advantages (help you to concentrate)
(C3); the effect is slightly weakened by ordering of points and limited appeal.
• Writer portrayed as giving careful consideration to both sides and coming to a reasoned
conclusion (C3).
• The polite style (would like to say) is supported by formal language (In conclusion), and
some words help to persuade (relax, enjoy) (C3); however, word choice is mostly
unadventurous.
Summary
A series of relevant points designed to persuade a school audience is presented, suggesting Band
C3. More effective ordering of points and more use of vocabulary to interest and appeal would
be necessary for a higher mark in this band.
Band C3 – 6 marks

Summary
Organisational devices – used meaningfully to guide the reader through the text – together with
some elaboration of topics with explanation lead to Band B3; more consistent development of
paragraphs at the beginning of the text would be necessary for the higher band.
Band B3 – 5 marks
156 | P a g e
sentence There is no reason why we should start school earlier we

boundary will be at school for the same amount of time any way. The
ignored
(below A3) Registration should take no more than five minutes so our
reference to
assembly will only be fifteen minutes long! We won’t fit a lot previous idea
variation in
modals (A3) in fifteen minutes. Usually we would have a story a song helps maintain
links (B3)
and a prayer and we only just manage to fit all that in half
an hour.
paragraphs used
There is no reason why we should change times, all it’s to group
ideas (B3),
doing is making us go to school earlier! but some
use of comma weaknesses in
splice (below A3) development
We won’t get a lot of fresh air there doesn’t seem to be and ordering
enough time to go outside for a few minutes! The only fresh
subordination air we will get is from the sports club and sometimes you
introduces
conditional into don’t have to go outside to do sports!
sentence (A3)
If school closes at 1:30pm that meens most of us won’t paragraph develops
adverbial phrase get any dinner until about 2:00pm we wouldn’t have eaten an idea (hungriness)
begins sentence (B3), but focus not
(A3) for five and 1 half hours! We won’t have enough energy to entirely sustained
get through the day. Without fresh air or food we won’t (returns to ‘fresh air’
theme)
have enough energy to do work and sports and if we get up
earlier , we will be tired.
comma supports
division within
sentence (A3) If we get homework when are we supposed to do it. We
will be spending too much time catching up on food drink
and fresh air. And we would probably go to bed earlier to
catch up on some sleep. So you see theres no need in
doing something if you don’t really need to do it. And we
variation in don’t need to change the times and come to school earlier.
subjects (A3) Everything would be fine if we just stay the way we are.
I’ve got a question, why do we need this and why do you

want this. Nothing will change. I have to say in my opinion final paragraph
emphasises writer’s
I think everyone would like it if we stuck to our normal view and provides
questions and an
imperative add times. I’ve given you enough reason now try give us some conclusion (B3)
variety to sentence reasons why you want to change the times or do you agree
types (above A3)
with everyone else?
157 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence variety is created by modals, adverbials and subordination, suggesting Band A3.
However, weaknesses in punctuation, including sentence demarcation, limit the award to the
lower mark in Band A3.
Band A3 – 4 marks

• Writing persuades by emphasising negative impact of change (wouldn’t have eaten for five
and 1 half hours!) (C3), although there is some repetition of points.
• Writer’s expression of strongly held views suggests concern for situation (C3).
• Direct address (we, So you see) (C3); rhetorical questions (above C3) consistent with spoken
approach; some simple vocabulary used repetitively (food, fresh air) (below C3).
Summary
Writing engages with direct address; views are supported with explanation; sustained approach
gives evidence for Band C3. Less repetition of ideas and greater use of vocabulary to persuade
would be necessary for a higher mark in this band.
Band C3 – 7 marks

Summary
Grouping of points, mostly supported by paragraph divisions, allows organisation of whole text
and gives evidence for Band B3. More consistent development of ideas within individual
paragraphs would be needed for the higher mark in this band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
158 | P a g e
I think that it would be an excellent idea to change the school

timetable to the one propossed. It may meen getting up very
varied
early in the morning, but after a while you would get used to it! reference to
This scheme is all ready in use in France, so now lets make it the new
timetable
variation in happen in Britian as well. avoids
sentence type:
repetition
imperative (A4)
(B4)
If we had our Regestration and Assembly in the morning we
would know what was going on in that day before it happened.
It would mean we would all know what to except. It would take a
lot of stress out of our lives as well so we know what to expect in
the lessons. Also, we usually sing in assembly, so that would
help us to wake up a bit more.
some repetition
of sentence developed
opening
The idea of having an excersice session - or P.E or Games - is paragraph:
(below A4) simply excellent. It would make us a lot more healthy because it main idea
introduced
is so early. Usually it would have been in the afternoon when we and
were are all still a bit tired from break time and the other lessons. consistently
supported by
Also for those who haven’t woken up yet - figuritvly speaking - it explanation
would be great to sort them out. (B4)
range of
punctuation I really like the idea of having breakfast in school because it
within
means you could talk to your friends and refresh yourself after
the sentence:
dashes and that tiring, but fun, exersice session.
commas used
to enhance less
meaning I especially like the idea of having all the lessons in one big successful
(A4) idea
block! Usually you would just be arriving at school now, but if this development
new timetable was introduced you would all ready have got three weakens
paragraph
out of the five parts of the day over with!! Another good thing (below B4) –
about lessons being in one big block is that you get the usual some
overlap and
three lessons all together instead of bieng spread out all through repetition of
the day. points
longer, complex If the old school day was kept you would only be half way
constructions paragraph
used in through it, but if the new one was introduced you would only have development:
combination one hour to go before you went home. The final part of the day contrast used
with short, to expand
simple would be the easiest - and the funniest. Sport or Homework club. topic (B4)
sentences An excellent way to end the day.
and phrases
for emphasis
(above A4) So you know the right choice to make. It’s obvious!
159 | P a g e
Summary
Varied sentence structures and types, along with a range of correctly placed punctuation,
suggest A4; further variation of sentence openings would be necessary for the higher mark in
this band.
Band A4 – 6 marks

• Range of persuasive approaches combined, including enthusiastic direct address (lets make
it, you know) and encouragement (you would get used to it) (C4). However, there is some
content reiteration.
• Writer adopts knowledgeable stance (all ready in use in France) and appears convinced of
own opinions (C4).
• Formal style almost always maintained through vocabulary choice (propossed, scheme,
figuritvly speaking). Persuasive language interwoven with content (would all ready have got
three out of the five parts of the day over with) (C4).
Summary
Thorough coverage of points combined with a confident, persuasive explanation of views lead
to an award in Band C4; less repetition of content would be necessary for the higher mark in
this band.
Band C4 – 9 marks

Summary
Evidence of overall shape and paragraph divisions support grouping of content; more
consistency of within-paragraph organisation would be necessary for the higher mark in this
band.
Band B4 – 6 marks
160 | P a g e
As you will probably know, our school is thinking of making introductory

additional words paragraph
some very big changes to the timetable. We have been establishes
for nuance and
asked to talk to you today about our reactions on this new context and
emphasis (A4)
clarifies purpose
timetable. These are my views. of speech (B4)
The school would open at 7.00. This is a very early start
and would mean pupils having to get up extremly early,
adaptation of reference back to
verb forms especially people like me, who have to catch a bus in the previous
extends scope morning. sentence
of time reference increases
(A4): continuous The combined registration and assembly time is only 20 connections
action, passive minutes, and since registration takes at least 5 minutes, by and avoids
repetition
the time everone is in the hall, there would only be about 10 (B4)
minutes for assembly. Therefore we could not talk as fully
variety of
about things as we do now, and would not be able to have
subordinating us children speak to you as I am doing now.
conjunction (A4) contrast with
On the plus side, we have a 40 minute exercise session previous
to wake us up before having our breakfast in the hall. I paragraph is
made clear (B4)
secure and think this is a wonderful idea and would be nice to have
varied use of
commas to
breakfast with your friends, but breakfast should be before
support meaning Exercise session, registration and assembly, yet still at 8.00.
(A4)
Another thing I like about the new timetable is the fact
that instead of 5 hourly lessons, there is only four, and to
make up that extra hour there is a sport or homework club.
some variation in I’m sure that you, like me, love the idea of having a
sentence type
used for effect homework club. Not having to do homework at home?
(A4) Brilliant!
There does not seem to be a lunch hour in this new
conclusion
range of timetable, so you would have to have your lunch after given, although
punctuation (A4) school closed, which would be a very late lunch. Therefore opportunity
includes for paragraph
possessive although the new timetable has many good points, I still feel division ignored
apostrophe strongly the school’s timetable should stay the way it is. (below B4)

Summary
Evidence of a good range of simple and complex structures and verb forms used to extend
meaning, together with commas and other punctuation, leads to Band A4; greater use of varied
sentence type or word order for effect needed for the higher mark in this band.
Band A4 – 7 marks
161 | P a g e
• Coverage of points is thorough as consideration is given to both sides of the argument;
adaptation evident in selection and emphasis of most appealing points (Not having to do
homework at home?), although weakened by brief conclusion (C4).
• Writer positioned as one of the pupils gives impression of identifying with audience’s
concerns (I’m sure that you, like me) (C4).
• Simple, direct language increases immediacy of speech (as I am doing now); strategic use of
emotive adjectives (wonderful, Brilliant) to persuade (C4).
Summary
Adaptation and effective use of stylistic choices to present the writer’s opinions in an appealing
way merit the award of 10 marks; more effective use of conclusion to reinforce points would be
necessary for the highest mark in this band.

Summary
The structure of the text is clarified for the reader and links are developed within paragraphs,
suggesting Band B4. Further consistency of paragraph divisions towards the end would be
necessary for the higher mark in this band.
Band B4 – 6 marks
162 | P a g e
66. Eyewitness
ORGANISATION
Date of accident 7/12/02 Time of accident 18:00
What happened
noun phrase with
simple expansion Well, I was walking home from a bad day at
(D2)
school when I head a sqwel that come from a
heghe. I bent down to look and I saw five baby
sentences start fox’s! So I carried on home to tell my mum (shes relationship between
repetitively (D2) events indicated (D2)
a animal doter). I was about half way when a car
came zooming past me (going about 60-70
mph.) I carried on walking when I heard a crash accurate use of
simple phrase to exclamation mark
describe (D2) the car had swerved out of the way of a fox! The (D2)
car was red and small. I run to see if the diver
was ok. He was and so was the fox, but the car
simple phrase to
indicate position
was unfrountert. The fox, old ran up the road not
(D2) relising what had happened.

Despite some insecure use of tense (come, run), sentence structures include evidence of simply
expanded phrases and some development to clarify the order of events. These features,
combined with mostly accurate sentence demarcation, lead to an award of 2 marks.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Some description of the car (red and small), but other detail (a bad day) does not always
support the informative purpose of the account (E2).
• Attempts to establish an objective view of the scene (saw five baby fox’s!) are somewhat
limited by the emphasis on the eyewitness’s role in the incident (E2).
• Account includes a mixture of informal, conversational language (Well, ok) and more formal
abbreviation (mph). There are some attempts to describe sounds with precision (sqwel,
zooming, crash) (E2).
163 | P a g e
Summary
The inclusion of some relevant detail supported by some descriptive vocabulary choices
provides evidence for Band E2; however, greater emphasis on information relating to the fox or
driver, rather than the eyewitness, would be necessary for the higher mark in this band.
Band E2 – 2 marks
67. Eyewitness
ORGANISATION
Date of accident 4th November 03 Time of accident 3.25pm
What happened
position indicated by A fox was slowly walking across the road then events expresse
simple phrase (D2) mainly as a simple
the driver came speeding down the road. The sequence (D2)
car tried to swerve away from the fox
simple connective but bash into a tree. As the driver was ok he
(D2) stepped out of the car to see if the fox was all
right. But unforchently the car was badly evidence of
repetition of
damaged. The driver tried to catch the fox to accurate sentence
subject (D2)
demarcation (D2)
make sour It was not hurt. The man called for
limited expansion help I went over and took the man home.
of noun phrase
(D2) The man phoned the police to let them know
what happend. The man gave them
continuous action inconsistent
a ruth detail of he was speeding. hopfully the capitalisation
expressed through
verbs (D2) man and the fox was not hurt. (below D2)

Use of simple connectives to link a basic sequence of events, varied by occasional expansion
and inclusion of phrases to show position, leads to the award of 2 marks. Mostly accurate
sentence demarcation supports the award of this mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks
164 | P a g e
• Some attempt to present detail of event sequence (called for help, phoned the police); some
explanation for audience (to make sour It was not hurt) (E2).
• Writer mostly describes what happened from an objective position (a tree, The driver), with
occasional comment suggesting writer’s attitude (unforchently, hopfully) (E2).
• Some vocabulary choices are specific, supporting an accurate depiction of events (bash,
stepped), but other references are very general (the car, the fox) (E2).
Summary
Although the use of detail is not consistent, there is evidence of a simple but relevant account of
events to inform the audience. There is sufficient evidence of a detached viewpoint to merit the
higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 3 marks
68. Eyewitness
ORGANISATION
Date of accident 4th November 03 Time of accident 3.25pm
What happened
sentence developed
I was walking along the road when I heard a a variety of
by subordination
relationships
(D3) terrible noise from far of it’s like the sound of between different
screeching and squeeling tyres. Suddenly I saw events are
indicated (D3)
a fox running of unhurt, but now a car came of
the road and left a fog of smoke and a disturbing
adverbial varies bang. attempts to use
sentence construction commas to
(D3) separate parts of
The next thing that happend was that the smoke sentences (D3)
lifted and the car of the door opend, to my
suprise I saw a unhurt dazed young man. He
was very shaken, and of most annoyed of the
wreck of the car.
expanded noun
phrase used to
convey description The car was in a much worse state, the bumbers
(D3) bent, and the bonnet was in the cab! in fact it some sentence
demarcation
was a writeof. simply for the man he just walked ignored (below D3)
off.
165 | P a g e
Although there are some inconsistencies in punctuation, there is sufficient evidence of
developed sentence structure and organisation of content just to merit the award of 3 marks.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• Several details support the purpose of the account; coverage includes different stages of the
changing scene (fog of smoke / smoke lifted) and reaction of the driver (very shaken) (E3).
• Writer gives the impression of a detached observer; personal opinions (terrible, to my
suprise) are evident but are not the focus of the account (E3).
• Some descriptive words are carefully chosen for effect (screeching, squeeling); formal style
apparent in description of car (tyres, bumbers, bonnet), although not completely sustained (a
writeof) (E3).
Summary
This piece presents a fairly comprehensive account of the incident, including detail about how
events unfolded and the consequences for the driver, car and fox. To gain a higher mark in this
band, greater consistency of style would be necessary.
Band E3 – 4 marks
166 | P a g e
69. Eyewitness
ORGANISATION
Date of accident 12/3/03 Time of accident 4:00 pm
What happened
some repetition of I was walking home from school and it was a

sentence openings sentence shapes
(below D3) nice clear sunny day. But something happened. account by indicating
I was nearly home when I saw a little fox on the contrast relationship
between previous
opposite side of the road, now I’m an animal sentence and
expanded phrase for lover, so I thought It was cool seeing a fox, so, next section of text
spatial description (above D3)
not thinking I shouted across the road, “Come
(D3)
here Foxie, c’mon, c’mon.” The fox ran across
the road, but I only just noticed the car coming a range of
towards it. The man who was driving the car saw punctuation,
including omission
adverbial varies it just in time and he swerved the car, but apostrophes and
sentence
construction (D3)
unluckily straight into a tree. The fox was so commas, is used
accurately (above
scared it scampered away. But the driver of the D3), but there is also
car was very upset he had only got the car some inconsistency
in sentence
yesterday and it was wrecked. I was so scared demarcation (below
subordinate clause
clarifies information he would blame me I ran home as fast as I D3)
(D3) could.

Events are clearly organised, and there is evidence of expanded sentences and correct
punctuation. However, some repetition of sentence structures and insecure sentence punctuation
limits the mark to Band D3.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• The account describes the whole chain of events; explanation of the eyewitness’s thoughts
and actions engages but is also mostly relevant to the incident (not thinking I shouted…)
(E3).
• The writer chooses to involve the eyewitness directly in the incident; however, an
informative approach to events is also maintained (E3).
• A conversational style is adopted (now, cool) and held fairly consistently; some vocabulary
choices support precise description (scampered) (E3), although others are less specific (nice)
(below E3).
167 | P a g e
Summary
The writer’s decision to give the eyewitness a role in the accident slightly weakens the focus on
the key event; however, the moment-by-moment record of happenings contributes to a full
description of the unfolding scene.
Band E3 – 4 marks
70. Eyewitness
ORGANISATION
Date of accident 9.4.03 Time of accident 8:35
What happened
verb forms adapted
for purpose (D4):
simple past As I was walking to school, a fox came out of range of punctuation
evident (D4);
nowhere and ran infront of a car. The car comma separates
was not speeding. Due to the fox running on the sections within a
continuous action sentence
road the driver swerved into a tree to dodge the
fox. The man was not harmed by this and got dashes used
appropriately to
out of his car. The fox - not injured - ran into a insert comment
passive
nearby forest. The car was badly damaged as into a sentence
fumes came from the back of it. The bonnet was
in peices from it colliding with a tree. The man omission
apostrophe used
was shocked and shaken up, although not
correctly
complex sentences
with varied
physically injured. I asked the driver if he wanted
connectives (D4) an ambulance but he replied “No, I’ll be fine.” As text organisation:
I was there at the time, I phoned the fire brigade time-related
comments separate
to come right-away because I was afraid that the
sections of the
car might set-alight. I tried to keep the man well account (D4)
away and calmed him down.

Complex sentence structures and adapted verb forms give evidence for Band D4; accurate
punctuation and control over the organisation of the text support the award of 4 marks.
Band D4 – 4 marks
168 | P a g e
• Selection of detail builds a clear picture of events (fumes came from the back of it, bonnet
was in peices); description covers several aspects of the situation (appearance of car, reaction
of driver) (E4).
• Eyewitness’s comments suggest careful observation and responsible attitude to the incident
(I was afraid that the car …) (E4).
• Stylistic choices include use of technical terms (colliding, physically injured) and words that
contribute to precise description (dodge) (E4).
Summary
The form of an account is adapted to provide a full description of events from an informed point
of view. Further coverage of the context of the accident (eg positioning of car or fox at different
points in time) would be needed for the higher mark in this band.
Band E4 – 6 marks
169 | P a g e
71. Eyewitness
ORGANISATION
Date of accident 13/4/03 Time of accident 3:30 pm
What happened
I was walking home from school taking my normal

route, when a small red car came skidding round the
bend. Suddenly a fox darted out, it was a young male
expanded noun pronouns and nouns
phrases include fox who was limping slightly. He darted out - rather are used in careful
subordinate quickly for a fox that was limping - right in front of the combination to
clauses, conveying provide cohesion to
information car, the car swerved to avoid the creature, it then hit the account,
economically (D4) a tree. avoid ambiguity and
support textual
organisation (D4)
adaptation of verb Steam rose from the bonnet and boot, the front of the
forms to express a car looked like an acordian and a front wheel had
range of meanings, information is
including time rolled off. I thought the driver would be hurt badly but grouped to give
shape to each
reference and he was not, he stepped out of the car and checked it section of text (D4),
possibility (D4)
over, he was a young man, no older than 21 and he description of the car;
had short blonde hair. His red jumper and jeans were description of the
driver
dirty and covered with sticks and leaves from the
additional words tree.
included to suggest
nuance of meaning
(D4) By this time the fox had darted away to safety. From
what I had seen and the way the driver was now
commas are used to
pacing up and down, talking to someone on his clarify the structure
mobile phone, also the fact that the fox had darted of long, complex
sentences (D4),
away rather quickly , they were both unhurt from the although elsewhere
accident. The rescue people then came for the car, there is evidence of
comma splice
and I did not see the fox again. (below D4)

Despite some weaknesses in range and quality of punctuation, ample evidence of complex and
varied sentence structures and the consistent control of textual organisation merit the award of 4
marks.
Band D4 – 4 marks
170 | P a g e
• Throughout the account, priority is given to comprehensive coverage of relevant
information; detail used to give a full picture of the driver’s behaviour at different stages of
the incident (E5).
• Events depicted from the point of view of a thoughtful passer-by; careful differentiation of
factual detail (covered with sticks and leaves) and inference (From what I had seen) (E5).
• Stylistic features, including figurative language (looked like an acordian), verbs for precision
(skidding, darted, limping) and formal reference (normal route), combine to present an
informative, vividly described account (E5).
Summary
The apt selection of content and use of stylistic features to engage and inform produce a
developed and purposeful description of events, as if seen through the eyes of an observant
witness. The account justifies the award of 8 marks.
Band E5 – 8 marks
171 | P a g e
72. The Queue
David and his mum were shopping

in London then David saw a poster divisions in narrative
simple verbs (A2) about a new called zoom 3 and he indicated by paragraphs,
got really excited, so they queue but not consistent at end
up and his mum told him that she of story (B2)
would buy it for him.
some evidence of The doors opened wide and a
correct sentence herd of kids ran in including David,
demarcation with the shop had so many people in it
capital letters and full that it was like an elephant
stops, but comma splice standing in a bird cage. Everywhere unclear pronoun
sometimes used in place you looked there were children. reference (not B2)
of full stop (A2) David tried to find the game
because there was one left,
eventually he got it.
contrast marked between
But someone else had it too a
sentences (B2)
girl not one of them would let go.
simple adverbials
Suddenly a boy came over and
provide occasional
yanked it out of their hands.
sentence variation (A2) time-related clause
David and the girl became
friends good friends that is. As suggests new section
(B2)
the day went on David and the girl
less evidence of became bit like family because
sentence demarcation at they knew quite alot about each
end of piece (not A2) other unfortunately the girl had to some pronoun reference
move house and they went to characters builds up
different ways in life and when connection in story (B2),
clauses linked with
they got older they did different but elsewhere there is
simple connectives,
sometimes
ways and David coached the repetition (not B2)
English fooly team and the girl
repetitively (A2)
become prime minister so they
both became famous.

Summary
Simple sentence structure with some limited variation (eg adverbials) leads to Band A2. Some
weaknesses in sentence punctuation suggest the lower mark in band.
Band A2 – 2 marks

Summary
Attempts to divide the story using paragraphs and time references lead to Band B2. Some
repetition and lack of clarity in character and pronoun reference suggest the lower mark in band.
Band B2 – 2 marks
172 | P a g e
• Character development limited as reported speech used rather than dialogue (his mum told
him); some attempt to develop events (Suddenly a boy came over) (C2).
Viewpoint: some observation of David’s feelings (really excited) but not sustained (C2).
Some attempts at precise vocabulary to describe behaviour (yanked) but use of figurative
language is not entirely successful (C2).
Summary
Use of story form, some evidence of viewpoint and development of events suggest Band C2.
Lack of character development supported by dialogue or description justifies lowest mark in
band.
Band C2 – 3 marks
173 | P a g e
73. The Queue
Daniel and his mum was walking bast a shops
when he saw a poster in the window Daniel said,
use of simple "can we get in the queue and get that game”.
connectives to His mum said, “of couse get’s get the queue.”
link clauses (A2) Daniel cade here people taking and he even hard
that thay was only 20 games in stock. A little girl
was standing behand Daniel and his mum all relationships between
on her own then Daniel said, clauses: events taking
“Hellow have you came for the game too”. place at the same time
The little girl said, (B2)
“Yes I hard it is a grate game.”
dialogue provides Daniel was just about to say same thing
some variation of
when a man came out of the shop and shouted,
sentence type (A2)
“exeq me can I have your atenstn I would like
you to now we have got a new game So I will
have no pushing going into to
shop, the shop….is now…open.”
some sequences not
The evey body pushed though the door but
demarcated with Daniel and the girl pushed though the shop use of paragraph
door but thay was only 1 game lefte Daniel division (B2)
punctuation (not A2)
and the little both gabed it then the little girl said
“I get it frist it’s mine”
“But….but why was you so nice to me outside,
simple adverbial (A2) Daniel said sadly
“If I would have non thay was 1 left I would not
have been nice to you o.kay” the little girl sniged
missing/repeated the little girl. attempt to shape story
words cause unclear But before eney one cade say aney thing ales by drawing attention
sentences (not A2) a women walked in and should at the top of her to an important event
“Jade I though I told you you are not alad eney (above B2)
think alse today now but it down right now,”
the little girls mum said
some evidence of
(Jade’s mum) attempt to vary
sentence “But mum it only a game” Jade ciyed reference to same
demarcation (A2) No we’re going hame now but it down and get character (above B2)
but no question out of the shop,”
mark (not A2) So the little girl Jade gave to game to me and
she walked out. confusion of 1st/3rd
“Mum I’ve got one can I have it” Daniel ask person (below B2)
simple expansion (A2)
“Of couse you can” his mum said
Then a little boy came in and
Said, “mum” thay are no more left”
His mum said “wall we will have to came back
a nover day”.
Then undure her broth she said, “are not”
174 | P a g e
Summary
Simple attempts to vary sentence construction through speech suggest Band A2, but some
incomplete sentences and inconsistency of demarcation point to lower mark in band.
Band A2 – 2 marks

Summary
Some evidence of paragraph division and organisation of the story sequence lead to Band B2.
Greater clarity of reference to characters would be necessary for award in a higher band.
Band B2 – 3 marks

• Some development of events: entry of Jade’s mum prepared for by earlier reference in queue
(all on her own). Dialogue between characters interests reader but detracts from pace (C2).
Viewpoint: main outcome suggests moral framework as Jade’s disobedience is punished (above
C2).
Vocabulary choices often simple but occasionally apt (atenstn) or descriptive (gabed).
Humorous ending attempted (are not) (C2).
Summary
Story form used to present a moral tale with attempts to amuse reader. Some development of
characters through direct speech (C2) although more developed use of pace and balance
between dialogue and narration would be necessary for mark in higher band.
Band C2 – 5 marks
175 | P a g e
74. The Queue
Lee and his mum were at the large Shopping

Centre buying clothes for the summer. They
some variety of stopped to have lunch at Burger King and then
subordinating carried on. Lee was moaning because he
connectives (A3) detests shopping but his mum dragged him
along anyway. some logical divisions in
text help shape story,
but other transitions are
When they were walking the passed the games
less meaningful (B3)
store. They started to wonder why there was
such a long queue. Something cought his ey
on the Shop window. “Mum” he yelled “the new
fragmented sentence and game I have wanted for ages.Can we join the
different sentence types end of the queue please?” “No” she replyed firmly,
in dialogue (A3) “we are shopping for clothes not silly game toys.
We will come back later.” “They will be gone”.
inverted commas mostly
used correctly (A3) “Ok then if we don’t get in in half an hour we varied reference to same
will carry on” she replyed shaking her head. character links through
adverbial adds variety “Thanks Mum, you’re the best” he flipped into whole text (B3)
(A3) the back of the queue. “Stop doing those silly
flips of yours you’ll hurt yourself one day”.
tense varies
“Stop fussing.”
appropriately (A3):
present in speech The man came to open the shop and everyone
past for narration poured in knocking some items off the shelf.
“Carefull” the man shouted but no one herd
him as there was so much other noise going
noun phrases mostly on around him.
simple, with occasional
variation (not A3) Lee picked up the last game but some one else
got hold of it too. they gave it too Lees mum
and the girl got to have it. So they walked away
Lee was in a mood and the girl skipped happily.
Lee went home and there was a parcel sitting on

the kilien table with his name on. he unwrapped
connected events
sentence demarcation it. It was the new games from Lucy Smith. He
not always secure within paragraph
shouted with glee. but how it got here so fast?
(not A3) develop from main
he didnt know until Dad told him she dropped ‘topic’ sentence (B3)
it off. She had saved it behind the counter of
her shop in the shopping centre.
176 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of sentence variation through adverbials, different sentence types and subordination
leads to Band A3. Limited phrasal expansion and some weaknesses in sentence punctuation
suggest lower mark in band.
Band A3 – 4 marks

Summary
Use of paragraphs to divide groups of related events, and development of events within the
paragraph lead to Band B3. More secure use of time and place shifts to shape story would be
necessary for higher mark in band.
Band B3 – 4 marks

• Adaptation of story events to provide surprise at end of story. Relationship between Lee
and Mum built up through dialogue and narration (Lee was moaning) (C3).
Viewpoint: reader experiences events mostly from Lee’s perspective – adds interest to ending
(how it got here so fast?) (C3).
Conversational language between characters creates realistic impression although use of
speech not sustained. Some vocabulary choices are descriptive (poured) (C3).
Summary
Character development, maintenance of viewpoint and realistic dialogue supporting adaptation
of events suggest Band C3. More interaction between characters to support second half of story
is needed for higher mark in band.
Band C3 – 7 marks
177 | P a g e
75. The Queue
‘WOW!’ Ed was standing infront of the
variation in verb use to biggist shop in town – the toy store.
convey a range of There was a huge poster in the window
meanings (A4): advertising ‘zap’ the latest computor game.
continuous action Ed pressed his nose against the smooth
past tense glass. He could feel the game with his reference to main
characters (Ed, Trish)
modal fingers and he knew he had to buy it.
present tense and the game
‘Mum! Mum! Come look at this!’ Trish
passive established in the first
came over, pushing her way through paragraph and link
construction crowds of people queueing to enter the through whole text
store. ‘Okay I’m here, what is it now?’ unambiguously (B3)
‘Oh Mum look ‘zap’ it’s been relased, set
free, waiting for children to pick it up and
enjoy hours of fun playing it!'
full punctuation of direct ‘Oh yes. Now come on we’ll be late!'
speech (A4), although ‘Mum! Please won't you buy it for me?
some opportunities to PLEASE!'
use commas within the ‘No Ed.’
sentence have been ‘It can be my birthday and christmas
missed (not A4) present!'
‘You’ve already used up your birthday
and christmas presents
on that games console you never use
anymore.’
‘MUM! I’LL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU
AGAIN!’
After lot’s of begging and pleading
and whining from Ed, Trish gave up. They paragraph boundaries
got into the queue and waited. Ed support main changes of
phrases expanded to recognised a girl near the front of the location and clarify the
allow additional levels shape of the story
queue but he couldn’t think where he’d
of detail (A4) (above B3)
seen her before. Half an hour later the
doors opened.
The crowd forgot about queuing and
just ran into the shop.
The people at the front of the queue got
shoved aside. Ed ran in he kicked a few
people and elbowed others out of the way.
He lost his mum in the big rush.
178 | P a g e
combination of The stand was in sight. The stand
simple and complex upon which stood: ‘zap’.
constructions used (A4)
Oh know there was only one game left.
within-paragraph
The girl from the queue was about the
organisation: events
same distance away from the game as ed.
developed from the
They both ran forward and grabbed the game.
introductory sentence
‘It’s mine!’
about the stand (B3),
‘No mine!’
although control is
‘What's happening?’ Trish rushed forward weakened by the rapid
‘Oh hello Gabby!’ ‘Hi Aunty Trish!’ Gabby said. resolution
‘Aunty?’ Then he rembered ‘Oh your my cousin!’
Gabby and Ed share the game.

Summary
Evidence of variety and range in sentence construction, expansion and range of punctuation lead
to Band A4. Some inconsistency within sentence punctuation suggests lower mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks

Summary
Support of story shape through paragraph divisions and secure reference and development of
ideas within sections lead to the upper mark in Band B3. Further control of overall text structure
is necessary for award in higher band.
Band B3 – 5 marks

• Differentiation of main characters established through Ed’s attempts to persuade his
mum. Attempt to prepare for ending (couldn’t think where he’d seen her) (C3) – but
weakened by pacing.
Viewpoint maintained: Ed’s efforts to get game portrayed with humour. Events (He lost his
mum in the big rush) do not have serious consequences (C3).
Detail used to suggest convincing character feeling (pressed his nose against the smooth glass)
but little description of inside shop (C3).
Summary
Character development and events supporting chosen viewpoint merit Band C3. More effective
use of pace and description is needed for higher mark in band.
Band C3 – 6 marks
179 | P a g e
76. The Queue
Zac walked quickly along the pavement. He

wanted to go to the toy shop. They had been
shopping for quite a long time and so far it had
been boring and tedious, they had been looking
at clothes for Mum. so he wished to go to at
least a couple of good shops.
range of punctuation As he approached the shop, his attention was
used accurately (A4):
drawn to a bright green poster on the wall. He
speech marks
began to read the poster aloud. “New game,
ellipsis
varied sentence
here today... Mum, mum look at this it’s a new
demarcation Simpsons game! Can we buy it? Please!” “Well,
comma we’ll just see what its like first!”
omission apostrophe
The only problem was that the shop didn’t
open for 15 minutes and there was a huge line
of custommers who probably wanted to buy the
game too. Zac was feeling anxious, what if there
phrase expanded by wasn’t enough? But, there’ll probably be hundreds internal paragraph
subordinate clause organisation: theme
there! Yes, but there is loads of customers. Zac’s
(A4) of Zac’s growing
head was full of thoughts, he felt like he was
going to explode! “How long to go mum?” asked anticipation develops
Zac. from opening
sentence (B3)
“Oh, em, just five more minute’s love.” replied
mum. Zac looked at the poster again to try to
pass some time. The game looked exciting and
only five pounds and ninety nine pence.
180 | P a g e
comma splice (not A4) Zac noticed a man at the door, the shop was
now open. Zac was normally a polite boy, but,
additional word gives
specific meaning to
he really wanted this game so he pushed his
sentence (A4) way into the building and ran to the board games. attempt to use
He ran as fast as a cheetah, and grabbed the paragraph boundary
first game he saw. He rushed to find his mum. – but division
does not fully
At the checkout there wasn’t much of a queue support story
and they were out in a flash. They walked back developments (B3)
to the bus stop and waited for the bus. As soon
verbs used to express as the right bus came Zac leaped into the air,
differences in meaning
he couldn’t wait to get home, his best friend Tom
(A4):
was coming over for tea, they would be able to
continuous action
play it whilst watching tv.
possibility (modal)
When they arrived home, as soon as they paragraph boundary
got inside the house, Zac grabbed the phone signals change in
and punched in the numbers of Toms mobile location to home
phone number. Ring, ring! Ring, ring! “Hello, (B3)
Tom is that you?”
“Yes of course its me! It is my mobile!”
“Do you want to come over now!”
“Yes, I’ll get my mum to drive me”
Ding, dong! Zac rushed to answer the door.

“Hi, come on in!” Zac showed Tom his new game
punctuation and and they began to read the instructions. “I’ll be
sentence construction the blue one” Shouted Zac “I’ll have the red one proper nouns and
weaker at end of piece then!” said Tom pronouns clearly
(not A4): link character
some missing full stops They played it most of the time that Tom was references
simple connectives there and Zac was glad he bought it, Buzz throughout the
lightyear was of the favourite toy shelf and in text (B3)
used repetitively
its place was his new simpson’s game. “Sorry
Buzz! Your getting old now!” Zac thought to
himself.

Summary
Variety in use of verbs and expanded sentence construction together with punctuation range
merit Band A4. Some inconsistency in comma use suggests lower mark in band.
Band A4 – 6 marks
181 | P a g e
Summary
Divisions supporting story shape and evidence of internal paragraph development lead to the
higher mark in Band B3. Build-up and inclusion of main story complication is necessary for
award in higher band.
Band B3 – 5 marks

• Adaptation evident in development of main character’s reaction (Zac was normally a
polite boy) (C3), but lack of event development precludes full build-up of tension.
Viewpoint: anticipation in queue given emphasis as wait is portrayed from Zac’s perspective
(what if there wasn’t enough?) (C3).
Language choices in dialogue are convincing (Can we buy it? Please!) and distinct from style of
narration (The only problem was that…) (C3).
Summary
Interesting presentation of main character, consistent style of dialogue and narration and use of
viewpoint lead to Band C3. Greater adaptation of events is necessary for award in higher band.
Band C3 – 8 marks
182 | P a g e
77. The Queue
“Cool!”
“YES!” cried everyone as Jamie and his mother
passed the queue “What’s all the fuss?” asked
Mrs Harper, Jamie’s mother,
“Mum!” gasped Jamie, amazed that his own
mother didn’t know what all the commotion was
about, “Only the follow up to ’BAT FLAP’ is out
today!”
His mum looked blank, “In this shop! The game
punctuation is accurate
’The Bat King’ is out.
and varied, particularly Please can I queue up for it? PLEASE? I’ve got
to enhance meaning in my money on me!” He gave his mother an innocent
direct speech (A4): look, so innocent she just had to give in. “OK, but
dash afterwards we’re going to the groceries – relationship between
speech marks with understood?” “Yes mum,” sighed Jamie as they the story opening and
concluding comma joined the back of the queue. resolution contributes
ellipsis to indicate to overall structure of
unfinished speech narrative (B4)
As they waited, children were trying to open the
doors but they wouldn’t budge. People tried to
catch a glimpse of the game, but didn’t succeed.
After half an hour, the store still wasn’t open and
everyone was getting bored. “If they don’t open
those doors in five minutes we’re going,” said
Mrs. Harper firmly
“But Mum.......” began Jamie,
“No Jamie, I’m sorry. You can get it tommarow.”
she compromised. Jamie spent the next 4 minutes
wishing for the shop to open.
When the doors finally opened, he cheered and
subordinate clause ran inside the shop to the shelf where the games
expands phrase (A4) were. As he ran he thought to himself “Cor, they’re
going quickly, I hope there’s one left for me.’
183 | P a g e
A few metres away from the shelf, Jamie lept. He reference to events
lept for the game and grabbed it. But so did varied to avoid repetition
someone else. ”Oi! This is my game! Get of it!“ (B4)
shouted the other person. However, when Jamie
looked up it was a girl, Kelly from school. He let
go of it as his mother was always telling him to be
adverbs allow shades nice to girls. She snatched it and held it tightly.
of meaning to be She stuck out her tongue at him and ran off to the changes of mood and
described (A4) Counter. Jamie’s mum came over and put a gentle focus between
arm round him. ”Oh well,“ she sighed ”Maybe next characters adds shape to
time.“ the narrative (B4) –
although structure of final
Jamie looked at the shelf and thought of how close paragraph could
he had come to the game. He thought for a minute be further developed
he could even see it. Wait – he could. ”Here,“
spoke Kelly, ”You have it, I don’t have enough
money,“ His eyes opened widely and hugged her
”Just take it. This is so painful.“ she walked off
feeling sad. ”YES“ shouted Jamie and ran to the
till as fast as he could, not believing he actually
had it. The game was £29.99. Luckily, he had
£30.00 and was able to pay and run home to play
it.
As he ran out of the shop, he cheered and punched
variety of connectives the air. However, sitting on the bench was Kelly
(A4) who was crying. He went over to her and sat down
beside her. ”You can come and play it with me, if
you like, “said Jamie, ”They looked at each other relationship between
until Kelly finally said “Yes.” They ran off the story opening and
home and really enjoyed the game. “BUT WHAT resolution contributes
ABOUT THE GROCERIES?” called Mrs. Harper, to overall structure of
variation in verb use narrative (B4)
but found that they had already started running
(A4)
down the street and probaly couldn’t hear her.
“Oh well, guess it’s just me,” she sighed.

Summary
Varied and secure sentence construction together with accurate use of a range of punctuation
leads to the higher mark in Band A4. Greater manipulation of word order for emphasis is
necessary for highest band.
Band A4 – 7 marks
184 | P a g e
Summary
Organisation of whole story supported by links within text, and use of mood contrast to give
internal shape lead to Band B4. Further management of paragraph development is necessary for
higher mark in band.
Band B4 – 6 marks

• Changes in pace help maintain interest in events – slow frustration of queue (but they
wouldn’t budge). Action in shop (lept…lept…grabbed) and relationship between Jamie
and Kelly develop through story (C4).
Viewpoint: control shown as key events portrayed from Jamie’s point of view – his increasing
awareness of Kelly emerges (the other person…when Jamie looked up it was a girl, Kelly
from school) (C4).
Engaging storytelling style is sustained; interactions between characters supported by
narrator’s comments (amazed that his own mother didn’t know...) (C4).
Summary
Use of pace, development of character and events, consistency of style and management of
viewpoint for effect lead to highest mark in band. Further use of detail for setting would be
necessary for award of highest mark.
78. A New Toy

ORGANISATION
spoken style (D2) Hi evreybody wev’e got a new Toy For your sentence demarcation
mostly accurate (D2)
babys to have a friend and stop that winying.
repetition of
He or she can eat food and drink and also,
subjects (D2) bark like a real Dog! So if any burglers come he or she
will scare them off like mad. Only 30.00 in cash! so inconsistent
capitalisation
head over here and buy! buy! buy! all you can. So (below D2)
adverb supports
Come over to Katys toy barn! or post or Phone on
persuasion (D2)
(000088) and are web. www.KATYStoybarn.co.uk!
imperative sentence Please come it will be great! (it comes with its own bed
types (D2) similar content not
and bowls.) always grouped
together
simple connectives (D2)
(D2)
185 | P a g e
Summary
Use of clauses which are mostly simple or linked with and or or, repetition of subjects and
verbs, simple adjectives and adverbs used to support persuasion along with mostly accurate
punctuation lead to a mark just into Band D2.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Some description of toy’s features (bark like a real Dog) with explanation of its appeal to
the audience (stop that winying) (E2).
Viewpoint: content included to impress audience (scare them off like mad) (E2).
Stylistic choices focus on persuasive appeal (buy! buy! buy!) (E2).
Summary
Conversational style of address and clear evidence of purpose support the award of a mark in
Band E2. There is sufficient, if uneven, coverage of points to merit the higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 3 marks
79. A New Toy

ORGANISATION
some variation in
sentence types (D2): Snoze, is a brand new interactive toy who full stops and capital
statement interactes with his Snoze friends. He talks letters used mostly
imperative accurately (D2)
to you, tells tickling jokes that even your
adjective supports gran’ll like. He'll tell you his deepest darkest
persuasion (D2) secerts, that no one else knows. You
can tell him your secerts and become best
freinds. attempts to group content
(D2)
repetition of subjects Becareful when you play games he is an
and verbs (D2) expert, and he is the fastest Snoze in all
of Snozeville, and he will want to race you.
simple connectives On a night he will keep you company
link clauses (D2) and chuddle you tight.
Their are three different Snoze mam
dad and baby snoze. All sold at only Argos
use of conventional
advertising sentence
and Index.
(D2)
186 | P a g e
Summary
Attempts to vary sentence types and group content in sections support the award of 2 marks.
Accurate sentence demarcation adds further evidence for this mark.
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Advertisement form is maintained and some features of the toy are described in detail
(tells tickling jokes) (E3).
Speaker presents friendly relationship with audience, with attempts to create humorous appeal
(even your gran’ll like) (E3).
Vocabulary chosen for persuasive effect – (brand new / best / fastest) (E3).
Summary
Although coverage is somewhat uneven, the use of humour and the conversational tone lift this
advertisement into Band E3. To gain the higher mark in the band the style of address to the
implied audience would need to be sustained throughout.
Band E3 – 4 marks
187 | P a g e
80. A New Toy
ORGANISATION
variety of subjects The Amazing Toy Company have invented a new

(D3 content grouped by
toy for children and adults! They are proud to varied references to
present, ‘My Favourite Bin,, Tin-Tin!’ the same thing (D3)
When you put litter in his mouth, he says “Well
adverbials vary commas support
done,” and according to how much you put in, sentence structure
sentence construction
(D3)
you get sweets! And a new feature for adults is (D3)
this – a ‘get-out-your-anger’ feature!
Tin-Tin is made out of rubber so when you hit some variety of
him, it dosen’t hurt your fist and wobbles all pronouns (D3)
subordination (D3)
over the place! He is very spacious and can
come in Red, blue, or even multicoloured! This
expanded noun brand new toy needs no batteries so you can
some overuse of
phrases (D3) have him for as long as you like!
exclamation marks
Easy to unfill, this talking bin is just the right (not D3)
thing for you!! Also, for younger children, Tin-Tin
comes with eyes and moving mouth! See if you
can get the rubbish in his mouth!
So, Tin-Tin comes in fun mode, eating mode and final paragraph
play mode so you can me sure there is a mode supports grouping
of content (D3)
for whatever mood you’re in! Available from
Woolworths and Argos!

Summary
Use of adverbials and expanded noun phrases adds to variation in sentence structures.
Punctuation is also accurate and varied, but text organisation is weaker; on balance, the piece
merits 3 marks.
Band D3 – 3 marks

• Content is detailed, with several points being developed to interest the audience (it
dosen’t hurt your fist) (E3).
Viewpoint: positive view of the toy is presented; speaker’s knowledge is established (E3).
Persuasive phrases are used throughout the piece, interwoven with more descriptive phrases
(the right thing for you / very spacious) (E3).
188 | P a g e
Summary
Balanced coverage of the toy with several features clearly identified, but address to the audience
is less assured. Some uncertainty caused by the broad focus on children and adults, but the
careful combination of description and persuasion pushes the piece to the upper mark in E3.
Band E3 – 5 marks
81. A New Toy

ORGANISATION
Do you wish you could carry your radio varied punctuation

use of rhetorical
questions for impact ANYWHERE you like? Do you want to be the (above D3):
(D3) only person at school who has a cool dvd question marks
commas in lists
subordination adds system, which lets you make your own c.d’s?
brackets
sentence variety (D3) Well you can with the new, ultimate, Mega apostrophes
Master blaster, it has all the gadgets you need.
conversational With an amazing radio that turns on and off
language (D3)
with the power of your voice. Full with a top of
use of topic
incomplete sentence the range dvd system and c.d player. If you sentence to
for impact (D3) desire have the newest gadget around, then organise content
come down to Fantastic Gadgets in Galton, (D3)
expanded noun down Boxton road. Don’t worry you won’t
phrases (D3)
brake the bank as the Mega Master Blaster commas support
only costs £25.52 and comes with a FREE cd sentence structure
(of your choice). For more details phone (D3)
000055 or pop down to Fantastic Gadgets and
consistent use speak to our freindly staff. You don’t wan’t
of present tense (D3) miss out on this brilliant offer!

Summary
Use of varied sentence structure, further supported by punctuation including commas to mark
phrases, suggests 3 marks. Greater organisation of content would be necessary for highest band.
Band D3 – 3 marks
189 | P a g e
• Overview of product given (new, ultimate, Mega Master blaster) with appropriate
supporting detail (top of the range dvd system); address to audience apparent (you … the
only person at school) but not sustained throughout (E4).
Viewpoint: writing gives impression of concern for audience’s budget (Don’t worry you won’t
brake the bank) (E4).
Persuasive focus established by choice of positive vocabulary (amazing radio / brilliant offer)
(E4).
Summary
Thorough coverage of points relating to the product and consistent focus on persuasion point to
a mark in band E4. More effective use of stylistic features would be necessary for higher mark
in band.
Band E4 – 6 marks
82. A New Toy

ORGANISATION
phrases used for Hey Kids! repetitive structures used

effect (D4) to link text (D4)
Heard of the best thing!
ellipsis (If [you have] The greatest thing! connected verbs link text
not) used for effect (D4)
The most amazing thing!
(D4)
If not than listen. The new robot Rob is
pronoun establishes link
ready to stop crime!
between sections of text
expanded noun In his super silver armor he’s bullet proff (D4)
phrases (D4)
and invinceble!
And to defete crime he has his electrifying some variety of sentence
demarcation (D4)
laser gun!
But thats not all, if you talk to him he’ll
answer back!
subordination (D4)
So don’t miss this huge offer only £14.99
at all toy shops!
Rember he’s coming to save your town. effective closure (D4)
190 | P a g e
Summary
Use of shortened structures and expanded noun phrases varies sentence structure. Less varied
punctuation but the sentence structure and organisational features of the text merit the award of
4 marks.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Some comments and details designed to interest child audience (electrifying laser gun)
(E4) but other appeals more relevant to adult audience (ready to stop crime).
Viewpoint: direct address (Hey Kids!) is sustained by conversational tone; speaker is both
knowledgeable and enthusiastic (If not than listen) (E4).
Vocabulary choices reflect persuasive and descriptive purposes of text (super silver armor /
huge offer) (E4).
Summary
Advertisement form is adapted with the establishment of an implied question and answer
scenario. Appeal to audience would need to be clearly controlled in order to gain the higher
mark in the band.
Band E4 – 6 marks
191 | P a g e
83. A New Toy
ORGANISATION
variation in “Are your toddlers getting bored with their

sentence teddy bears? Well not any more when you buy
construction (D4) Bubbles! The teddy bear that keeps your tod-
thorough coverage of
dlers happy for hours. They'll be having bubbles point (D4)
variety of of fun! Your toddlers won't get bored any more
connectives (D4)
and you'll be able to put your feet up and enjoy
although
repetition of then the peace and quiet.
Your toddlers will be busy with bubbles all day: paragraphing used to
(below D4)
support contrast (D4)
In the morning they'll be dancing and playing
lots of fun games! After lunch they can get range of punctuation
their brains working, while they answer some (D4):
time references
questions about colours, then after a nap they question mark
varied (D4):
exclamation mark
future can sing along with Bubbles. Then at bedtime comma to support
present they'll fall fast asleep while Bubbles sings a sentence structure
lullaby. colon
Some of the games include: Hide and seek,
modal verb Pressing her hands feet ect., Find something time phrases used to
expresses green and Act like a seal. structure content (D4)
possibility (D4)
If Bubbles gets dirty just take out the
batteries and pop her in the wash!
practical
Bubbles is soft to cuddle and play with.
information grouped
Bubbles comes with a juice carton, a question (D4)
book and a set of clothes.”

Summary
Variation and control of sentence structures, accurate punctuation and the organisation of
content support the award of 4 marks, even though control of organisation is not sustained
throughout.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Comments and detail consistently addressed to adult audience (Are your toddlers getting
bored with their teddy bears?) (E4).
Viewpoint: knowledge of product establishes speaker as authoritative voice (Your toddlers will
be busy … all day) (E4).
Stylistic device engages audience (Bubbles … bubbles of fun) (E4).
192 | P a g e
Summary
Opening paragraph establishes persuasive purpose and subsequent content is adapted to the
adult audience focusing on educational and social benefits of the toy. More use of stylistic
devices appropriate to the genre would be needed for the highest band.
Band E4 – 7 marks
84. The Moving Statue
SENTENCE STRUCTURE PUNCTUATION
One day me and Tom was feading the duckes and then Tom saw a sentences
series of clauses, mostly
usually
statue. Tom said "come here Sophia" so I wet to her and then we demarcated
by capital
grammatically
accurate but
wet clooser to the statue . It was moving the statue was madt out of letters and
full stops
speech-like in stownand it saw us and came clooser and clooser it was innums. It
structure (A2)
said "I am King Sam whats youer name I said" Sophia and this is
repetition
of simple verbs
Tom." In the bushishs there was a man how mad muney by seting
(A2) people up. We toock the statue home the man in black saw me and
Tom going home. Tom said "he wat fited inand I said "we will put
him in the gurig none gos there eney muer. The man in black was
clauses joined to
establish sequence called raspyootn was very ugley he had Spost on her fas. Me and
(A2)
Tom had our dinre and then we got the statue and took him to the
noun phrase
woldos because he eat wood. When he is finsh he has to go in the
undeveloped and goringch. That night the man in the black coot brock in the
repeated (A2)
garingch and nicked the Statue and puat him in a Lagch. Tom and
me wock up and went to see the statue but when I owpened the
use of adverbial door we saw the garich door was owpened and we ran to see where
denotes shift in
time (A2) he went and there was a lotter. We got a dog and the dog led
meand Tom to th statue Tom said "Look it's the man in the black
cooted" and I said " and there is king Sam. You de stat him and I
will sav the statue Tom mad the man. Chaser and I ran to sav the
statue I sat on the statue naned and said "we hav to sav Tom. The
statue ran and saw Tom and the man in the black cooted and he put
up the man u throo him and Tom said "you hav to go home", me
and Tom put him con the staner me and sam staied to criy and so
we wens nome to bed.
193 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Summary
Use of clauses linked with and, when, so and then; repetition of verbs and connectives; limited
use of adverbials leads to a mark just into band A2
Band A2 – 2 marks

• Beginning establishes time and place (One day me and Tom was feading the duckes); simple
recount of a series of events (C2).
• Use of dialogue (Tom said “Look it’s the man in the black cooted”) adds detail but not
always clearly (C2).
Summary
Narrative form used to present a recount of events loosely structured round the statue’s actions;
some development of characters through direct speech; shifts in time and place sometimes
awkward, making the plot hard to follow; on balance this leads to Band C2
Band C2 – 2 marks
PUNCTUATION
Summary
Mostly accurate use of capital letters and full stops; other punctuation is incorrect (speech
marks) or omitted
Band B2 – 2 marks
when The peple have gone away from the park the statue can play
clauses joined again wif the toys and some times he swims in the water wen ducs
to sequence
events using are in therer he feeds them like there his pets. and one time robers
and, when and
because came and tryd to blow up the toys he herd a boom!!! and then he use of
exclamation
adverbials gos and lows when he sise the Broken toy he caches the rober by marks (above B1)
used to
establish Puching him and it rilly herts the rober becose he is mayde from
time (A2)
stowne. then the cops cume and he Rushis back to his stown and some awareness of
full stops (B1)
clauses joined waches the Robers go to Jaille
(above A2) random use of
upper and lower
simple noun case (below B1)
phrase (A2)
194 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Summary
Clauses mainly grammatically accurate; linked clauses are speechlike; tenses sometimes
confused
Band A2 – 3 marks
195 | P a g e
• Writing relates simple chronological sequence of actions of a moving statue; some attempt to
create a beginning, middle and end; passage of time marked by simple connectives and
adverbials (when, some times, one time) (C2).
• Vocabulary choice and some detail help to expand the story (it rilly herts the rober becose he
is mayde from stowne) (C2).
Summary
Writing gives brief sequence of broadly chronological events, including relevant details,
meriting the middle mark in Band C2
Band C2 – 3 marks
196 | P a g e
PUNCTUATION
Summary
Exclamation marks used appropriately; full stop marks end of long sequences but overall the
lack of punctuation leads to the award of 1 mark
Band B1 – 1 mark
197 | P a g e
sentences
demarcated by
capital letters and
One day I went to call on Jake and Jeff to see if they want to play in full stops (B2)
subordinating the park. Unfortunately they were grounded so I went and called on
connectives vary
sentence structure Molly my girlfreind she could come out. I went with Molly she was
(A3) good company but not as good as Jake and Jeff. I ofered Molly a apple
her fafrite fruit she replied "yes please". We sat down and ate by the
pronoun confusion pond when they finshed they throw the core into the pond AND
(below A3) suddnly the statue in the middle took a jump and court it the Statue
noun phrases
jumped back in the same postion it was. Molly let out a terrible yell I
use of dots to
(A2) joind in we were fritend to death. We ran home to Mollys house and create tension
impatiently told her mum the story. Mollys mum did not belive them (above B2)
but said but went witho them to see high a apple coar She drooped the
apple coar in and nothing happend... all fell sillent them Molly, mum
adverbials
(A3) said to molly "you are grounded for a mounth" "for that" "but mum"
mum was to quick and grabbed her by the arm finley molly stalked of
home. Mollys mum went to my mum and toled her all of it I got
speech-like
sentence structure grounded to for a mounth. I stamped up the stairs and into my room I
lacking just remeberd my long rope mabye I courd climb out my window and
discrimination
(below A3) call on greg I got my lony rope out of the cupbord and tied the end
of it to my window I opend the window and let the rope fall out it fited
perfectly I climbed down it and fell to the garden I sneked out and
called up greg he came out and we ran to the park I told him my
story of the statue hed got a stone and chucked it at the statue it
jumped and court it Cool man said greg he jumpe in and the statue
use of
corte him and took him under a bridge the statue came back but not exclamation
greg!!! marks (B 2)
198 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Summary
Variation in sentence types; subordinating connectives give explanations and move plot on;
adverbials and noun phrases add detail; sentences sometimes speech-like or confused in focus,
suggesting the award of the lower mark in this band
Band A3 – 4 marks
199 | P a g e
• Sequence of events with a beginning, middle and end demarcated by shifts in place; ending
is unexpected but appropriate (C3).
• Narrator’s character emerges as his thoughts and feelings are revealed (we were fritend to
death; I stamped up the stairs) (C3).
• Problems posed, creating suspense, then solved (I got grounded to for a mounth… mabye I
courd climb out my window), although statue rather incidental to boys’ adventure (C3).
Summary
The sequence of events is explained and developed with a suitable conclusion; narrator’s
character is evident and attempts are made to create suspense, meriting the higher mark in Band
C3
Band C3 – 7 marks
200 | P a g e
PUNCTUATION
Summary
Although some elements of punctuation belong to a higher band (dots to create tension; speech
marks), sentences are not always marked, making them overlong; therefore Band B2 is
appropriate
Band B2 – 3 marks
201 | P a g e
There once was a statue in a joyful park where happy children

subordinating
played. The statue was a 2nd world war Genaral who looked at
connectives children play every day. So one day he was bord and decided to
clarify time (A3)
go on a stroll, maybe a stroll wasnt a great Idea but he strolled
here and there and then he found an airport. He got on a plane but
the plane was to light so he went in a jumbo jet it flew to london. comma to mark
clause (above B2)
He walked through London crushing anything in his path.
Suddenly he saw a car about to crush a child he ran faster and
adverbials used faster until he flung himself across the road caught the little boy
in different and when he saved the kid his mother thanked him, he felt like a hero
positions (A3)
again like in the war times he was published in papers. capital letters and
simple noun He walked on with a gold medal presented to him by the mayor. full stops accurate
phrase (A2) (B2)
In the city he saw everything he even watched Wimbledon.
He carried on his stroll seeing other war heros. Some were even
friends of his.. He carried on walking and came to a great big
palace and he thought about trying to see the Queen he thought it
wasn't best to bother her and became a statue again and he is still
there standing gard outside the palace.
202 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Summary
Use of different sentence types and adverbials in different positions varies sentence structure;
simple noun phrases add basic details; further development needed to gain higher mark
Band A3 – 4 marks
203 | P a g e
• Plot is developed through the statue’s interaction with the boy he saves (C4).
• Character’s viewpoint revealed through his thoughts and observations (he felt like a hero
again); narrator’s voice also evident (maybe a stroll wasnt a great Idea) (C4).
• Story starts with an attempt at literary opening; events in story work towards an imaginative
ending in which the statue returns to his original state in a new location (C4).
Summary
development of interaction between the characters, and of narrator’s and character’s viewpoints
together with a suitable ending lead to Band C4; more expansion required to gain higher mark
in this band
Band C4 – 8 marks
204 | P a g e
PUNCTUATION
Summary
Sentence demarcation generally accurate; one clause marked by a comma; other opportunities to
demarcate clauses are missed
Band B2 – 3 marks
205 | P a g e
subordinating
connective
clarifies time (A3) One day I was walking along the park, when I came to a beatiful attempts to mark
pond it had clear sparkling water, but there in the centre of the pond clauses with
1st and 3rd person comma (above
subjects used to was the most beatiful statue. B3) leads to
vary sentence overlong
structure (A3) sentences
It was a statue of a mermaid. It had long , red hair, a purple tail and
use of commas
some variation of brown eyes. Water came out her mouth and she was holding a in lists correct
sentence types golden mirror, she was leaning agianst huge boldour. (B3)
(A3)
The next day I went to the pond and the beatiful statue had gone.
Then I saw water coming out someones mouth. I looked in the pond
adverbials used in
There I saw the beatiful statue.
different places in
order to establish
location and I was shocked, it came to life, it danced around the pond like a tadpol
characteristics
(A3) it was the most wonerfut sight.
expanded noun The next day I saw a handsome, human statue he had short, black
phrase (A3)
hair, white tatterd shirt and black, tan trousers and blue eyes.
incorrect sentence
demarcation
repetitive use of The next day he was gone, I looked into the pond There I saw both (below B3)
adverbial phrase
(A3) statues dancing around the pond I herd them sing. They kissed
without knowing they turned into humans,
206 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Summary
Variety of subjects and sentence types used effectively; adverbial phrases and expanded noun
phrases suggest higher band; however, repetition of phrases and overlong sentences makes Band
A3 appropriate
Band A3 – 5 marks
207 | P a g e
• The story follows a sequence and has a suitable conclusion; time-related phrases are used to
move the story on but are repetitive (C3).
• Narrator’s reaction is revealed (I was shocked; it was the most wonerfut sight) (C3).
• Detail included to create interest (it had long, red hair, a purple tail and brown eyes) (C3).
Summary
A broadly chronological sequence with some development; reactions of narrator revealed
through direct and indirect comments; shifts in place are indicated but passage of time not very
clear, indicating that the lower mark in Band C3 should be awarded
Band C3 – 5 marks
208 | P a g e
PUNCTUATION
Summary
Sentence demarcation is generally accurate; some correct use of commas to separate adjectives;
commas sometimes used instead of full stops; paragraphs attempted (above B3). Overall this
piece is judged to be in Band B3
Band B3 – 5 marks
209 | P a g e
verbs used to
refer to
continuous
action and past One afternoon I was playing in the park when I noticed the old
events (A4)
mermaid statue moving slightly. Her white stone hand was waving
controlled use of happily at the ducks and her fish like tail was swaying slightly. I was
1st/3rd person
subjects (A4)
amazed, she had been there for fifty years and never moved an inch.
I watched her waving for at least three minutes until, to my
variety of
subordinating
astonishment, she dived into the pond and swam joyfully with the
connectives used
to mark changes
fish and ducks.
in time (A4) The ducks started to get angry and annoyed with her when she
started bashing into them, so they started chasing her around the
pond, so she jumped back onto her rock, which was part of the
statue, and they left her alone.
overuse of I ran home to tell my mum what had happened but she didn't believe
so (below A4)
me so I dragged her back to the park. To my surprise, while I was
varied verbs away, her statue was gone and I knew straight away that the ducks
used for effect
(A4) had got so cross they had pecked her away and she had crumbled
adverbials into the pond.
used in
different Mum was angry with me for making things up, but just as she was accurate
positions (A4)
telling me off an eerie outline appeared in the water, it was the marking
of clauses by
noun phrases
mermaid. From now on, whenever I go down to the park, I always commas (A4)
express see the figure of the mermaid, and once I even saw a fish shaped tail
relevant details
(A4) poke out of the water and it swayed from side to side as if it was
waving at me........
210 | P a g e
SENTENCE STRUCTURE
Summary
Variation in sentence structures achieved by use of different subjects and sentence types; verb
choice is appropriate and varied; expanded noun phrases and adverbials express ideas clearly
Band A4 – 6 marks
211 | P a g e
• The story is well paced and structured; interactions between the statue and narrator are made
to seem mysterious (an eerie outline; as if it was waving at me…) (C4).
• The narrator’s viewpoint is established (To my surprise/astonishment) and maintained (C4).
• Imaginative ending (as if it was waving at me) and interesting vocabulary (white stone hand;
swaying slightly) engage the reader, despite some repetition (started, so) (C4).
Summary
Style and tone consistent; the characters of the narrator and the statue are clearly
distinguishable; the unravelling of plot with shifts in time and place adds to overall effect;
reader engaged by build-up to imaginative ending, suggesting the middle mark in Band C4
Band C4 – 9 marks
212 | P a g e
PUNCTUATION
Summary
Commas used accurately to demarcate clauses; other sentence demarcation accurate; paragraphs
support shifts in time, place or viewpoint; series of dots used to mark deliberately unfinished
ending
Band B4 – 6 marks
213 | P a g e
90. Mysterious Object
mainly simple
sentences, with What it looks like
some evidence of
compound • it is big with spot and it has clueres with
sentences (D2)
heararowned it's head.
Where it was found

verb tense
not consistently • it is sound in the Desvut.
appropriate to
heading
(below D2)
What it could be used for
bullet points used (D2)
• it could be used for a myowveyum but not consistently
punctuated
• it could be used for the zoo
• it could be used for cachin crine must
simple verbs used
repetitively (D2) • it could beused for helppingold.
What will happen to it now

words not separated
(below D2) • A rich man wuld found it and make him
muney.
214 | P a g e
Summary
Simple sentences complete the format appropriately but require more development; use of bullet
points appropriate but punctuation not consistent
Band D2 – 2 marks
215 | P a g e
• Writing completes the format appropriately but with limited detail and development (it has
clueres with heararowned it’s head) (E2).
• Some limited attempts to use adventurous vocabulary (Desvut; myowveyum) (E2).
Summary
Individual characteristics identified but no clear overall picture emerges; vocabulary generally
limited making Band E2 appropriate
Band E2 – 2 marks
216 | P a g e
predominantly What it looks like

simple sentences
(D2)
it Looks like a three feet tall egg the coller is yellow punctuation omitted
(below D2)
Where it was found

it was found underground in a dark forist.
clauses joined
with and (D2) incorrect
What it could be used for capitalisation
(below D2)
it could Be used for Eeating and selling.
verb tense not

appropriate to
heading I Left it in my Garden and It cracked open and went sentences sometimes
(below D2) demarcated by
Awag. capital letter and full
stop (D2)
217 | P a g e
Summary
Mainly simple sentences; tenses sometimes used inappropriately; capitalisation inconsistent;
opportunities for punctuation missed
Band D2 – 2 marks
218 | P a g e
• Information in each section is relevant to purpose of the report.
• Appropriate vocabulary is used to describe the object.
Summary
Object is recognisable as type of egg; links between the sections are logical but a higher band is
not awarded as word choice and development are limited
Band E2 – 3 marks
219 | P a g e
What it looks like

lots of windows big and round can fly used by mistry
mixture of notes crichers rilly fast brit red crushed on erth cant travel
and simple
sentences (D2)
frow spuse has lazers straped to it made of metel
sentences demarcated
by capital letters and
Where it was found full stops (D2)
In the river tems under water.
What it could be used for inconsistent use of

not grammatically upper and lower case
accurate (below flying in space Blowing big roks up in space so it don't letters (below D2)
D2)
smash in to them ciling meatelers weryherey so it can't
kill lots of peple if it lands on them

git Rusty. The crichers will diay and fish will live int
so will sharks sting rays/Rays/namle fish.
220 | P a g e
Summary
Writing switches between note form and simple sentences, suggesting a lack of control;
inconsistency of demarcation makes text difficult to read, suggesting lower mark in the band
Band D2 – 2 marks
221 | P a g e
• An attempt to present lots of competing information about appearance and function (E3).
• Reader is presented with evidence of the mysterious object’s many attributes, but these are
not well ordered (E3).
• Imaginative word choice relating to space and underwater (lazers, river tems, sting rays)
(E3).
Summary
Attempts to write in note form and poor punctuation sometimes make this report hard to follow;
specific and detailed vocabulary used; sections link together, e.g. the object is made of metel; in
the river tems and therefore Rusty); more evidence of organisation and viewpoint would be
needed to gain a higher mark
Band E3 – 5 marks
222 | P a g e
What it looks like

relevant and It looks like an egg. It is a Ryhnodino birdegg. The coluer
precise information
conveyed (D3) of the egg was blue Missed full stop
(below D3)
Where it was found accurate sentence

expanded noun demarcation (D3)
phrase expresses It was found In Africa and it was born in 1859. A person
relevant detail
(D3) who lived in Africa found it and he became rich and he was
poor first.
verbs sometimes
appropriate to What it could be used for
headings but not
consistent (below It could be used for puttuing in a musium. It could be used
D3)
for putt ing in a Zoo.

It will go in the musium and they will make sure it dosen't
hatch because they are go-ing to put it in a freezing
machine.
223 | P a g e
Summary
Statements usually grammatically accurate; tenses not always appropriate; expansion limited;
punctuation mostly accurate, using capital letters and full stops; some difficulties with
organising links between clauses
Band D3 – 4 marks
224 | P a g e
• Relevant information about the mysterious object given under each heading (E3).
• Vocabulary choice includes words used for precision and authenticity (hatch; freezing
machine; Africa) (E3).
Summary
Appropriate vocabulary used to provide relevant information about the object; information in
Where it was found section drifts into narrative; overall this piece of work is judged to be in the
lower end of Band E3
Band E3 – 4 marks
225 | P a g e
What it looks like

This particular object is spotty and fury it's a lepord
grammatically
accurate statements skin it looks like it is from an extremly powerful male.
present relevant
information (D3)
Where it was found
sentences only
noun phrase This Lepord skin was found in the sand by the beach demarcated by capital
expanded through letters and full stops
adjective string in America. (below D3)
(D3)

tenses are
appropriate to It could be used for a carpet a pillow a duvet or a coat
headings (D3)
anything that is made of fur even handbags.

It will be examined by scientists.
226 | P a g e
Summary
Grammatically accurate sentences; tenses appropriate to heading; sentences sometimes overlong
as opportunities to use commas in clauses missed, suggesting that the lower mark in Band D3 is
appropriate
Band D3 – 4 marks
227 | P a g e
• Relevant information in each section about the mysterious object (E4).
• Use of precise and specific vocabulary (This particular object; extremly powerful male)
implies an objective/expert viewpoint (E4).
Summary
Links between the sections present a coherent picture of the mysterious object; further
development of final section needed to gain the top mark
Band E4 – 6 marks
228 | P a g e
information is What it looks like

conveyed
succinctly (D4) A half - man, half - horse. This creature has the tail of a
accurate and varied
lion, head of a cheetah, and the hooves of a gazel. It's sentence
demarcation (D4)
upper torso is of a man and it's lower torso is of a horse.
expanded noun
phrases effectively
grouped together
(D4)
They usaly have dark hair on the horse body.
spaces in layout
used to organise
Where it was found information (D4)
It was found in the rainforest of Austrailia. It appears to

like hot, wet weather.

use of passive The saliva of this beast can be used to cure diseases, to
voice to describe
function of object make you invinsable and give you mysterious powers !
(D4)
It can also be used to guard your house at night.

correct use of
It will be sent back to Austailia, in a Wild Life enclousia, commas to mark
clauses (D4)
where a female was found.
229 | P a g e
Summary
Noun phrases and adverbials convey information economically; passive voice develops
description of object; sentence demarcation accurate and varied; commas used to mark clauses;
spaces in the layout organise information, suggesting award of Band D4
Band D4 – 6 marks
230 | P a g e
• Writing retains focus on the object, giving the reader a clear picture (E4).
• Use of technical terminology places the writer in a position of knowledge (hooves of a gazel;
Wild Life enclousia) (E4).
Summary
Ideas imaginatively developed; specific and technical vocabulary adds credibility; further
development of the final section, e.g. linking it more closely with the previous ideas, needed to
achieve highest mark
Band E4 – 6 marks
231 | P a g e
96. How fit are you?

attempts to extend Doing bick riding is ceeping your body's warking;

sentences but not no discernible opening
always successful when you are getting more and more exasis, when sentence (not B2)
(not A3)
you are on your bick for eqllise an haura. When you
two adjacent sentences
topic-related go on a bick ride you might wont to tack a bottle of linked by cycling (B2)
subjects and but logic within elements
personal you begin water, so that you can Keep on going un till you have of the sentences is
sentences with unclear (not B2)
simple present had enoth exasise. Exasise is Good for you because
tense and modal
verbs (A2) it keeps your hart helf and warking propley. You
mostly accurate should tack lots of water in every day, so that your
capital letters and
full stops whole body is warking and helfy. When you are
demarcate sentences
(A3)
walking to school your body is warking and getting simple connectives join
lots of engey so that your hoart Keeps warking. ideas within sentences
some incorrect use (B1)
of capital letters When you are doing wate lifting, you are yousing
within sentences
(not A2) your strenth and you are getting fit. When you are
doing roller-skating your legs are warking and so are
repetitive use of a
small number of your arms.
connectives (A2)
232 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence shows that all aspects of Band A2 are included in the writing, leading to the award of
the top mark in the band.
Band A2 – 3 marks
233 | P a g e
• A list of activities is given; report is aimed at children but lacks a suggestive tone; benefits
are apt but repeated (it keeps your hart helf and warking propley; so that your hoart Keeps
warking) (C2).
• Vocabulary choices are appropriate but repetitive (warking; helfy; hart; exasise) (C2).
Summary
Report identifies four activities and appropriate, if repetitive, reasons support the chosen
activities; the intended readership is maintained but the lack of overall encouragement merits
the middle mark in this band
Band C2 – 3 marks
234 | P a g e
Summary
Most of the links in the writing are within individual sentences rather than between groups of
sentences
Band B1 – 1 mark
235 | P a g e

series of mostly
grammatically correct
clauses linked
you can keep fit when you are takeing your Dog for a no distinct opening sentence
repeatedly with by, or; walk are playing on your bike but if you do not have a
some clauses
grammatically incorrect bike are a dog. you can keep fit by playing with your sequences of sentences
list things to do to keep
(A2)
frend's at home are at School. you can all so keep fit fit (B2)
personal you mainly by eating lot's of food whout is good for you. and
used to begin
sentences followed you can all so keep fit by drinking drink's what are
by modal can;
topic-related subject good for you. Joging is a nufer fing what will keep adjacent sentences
linked by topic (B2);
Joging and present
tense is adds variety you fit. Joging is good for your leg's. Sowe please development of ideas
(A2) limited to two sentences
try and keep your selef fit. tank you.
some sentence
boundaries correctly
demarcated with full
stops and capital
letters (A2)
but some boundaries
incorrect
236 | P a g e
Summary
The sentence structure and demarcation support the award of a mark in Band A2; the attempt to
vary sentence beginnings merits top mark in this band.
Band A2 – 3 marks
237 | P a g e
• Informative points use activities from prompt (playing on your bike) and ideas from the
reading stimulus text (by drinking drink’s); reasons for suggestions related to title (keep fit)
or to assertions of benefits (good for you; good for your leg’s) (C2); you consistently
indicates general reader (C3).
• Vocabulary choices are topical but general and repetitive (keep fit; drinking drink’s; good)
(C2).
Summary
Information shows evidence of elements of Band C2; the limited vocabulary choices suggest the
middle mark in this band; the consistent targeting of the reader on its own does not merit a mark
in Band C3.
Band C2 – 3 marks
238 | P a g e
Summary
Evidence of sequencing sentences securely places the writing in Band B2 despite the lack of an
opening sentence.
Band B2 – 3 marks
239 | P a g e

expanded noun phrase

(not enough for A4) children from all around the world are fit by Sports brief introduction (B3)
like Jogging and Skipping I could go on for ever

sentence openings are saying them. Why Don't you do Sports and get fit
varied but some lack
control (A3)
it's good for your mussles. NOW lets tell you about sequences of sentences
develop information
reel Sports from children a boy age 9 is a body about an example child
(B2)
many sentence builder he's so big and muserly he's gonew fall a
boundaries unmarked;
some awareness of full part When he's older so you do sports out there. if some unexplained
connections between
stops (A1)
you Jogg to school evry day thats ok but then take ideas (B2)
some simple deep breaths after wards. When you Jogg for to
connectives (A3)
long your musles will avergerly hert you don't partially assimilated
facts from the Feet
Want that do you or pull a mussle. Not only First leaflet (B2)
Jogging Makes you fit but the hamer does all

questions and
exclamations vary afletics Make you fit Yes it Does so you Joyne
sentence type (A4)
afletics Now and get fit but remember don't eat fat
modal verb omitted,
on food you want to eat apples.
changing statement
from advice to
command (not A2)
240 | P a g e
Summary
Not enough evidence of features in Band A3 or A4 to gain a higher mark.
Band A3 – 4 marks

• Adopts a chatty, informal tone to target readers; jogging is described in more detail (C3);
limited reasons linked to fitness (good for your mussles; Makes you fit) (C2).
• Consistent upbeat tone; some information is incongruous with pleas to keep fit (he’s gonew
fall a part) (C3).
• Vocabulary choices identify activity and/or its effect (hamer; afletics; deep breaths) (C3);
some words are overused (big and muserly; pull a mussle) (C2).
Summary
The consistent informal style and positive tone in conjunction with some ambitious vocabulary
choices leads to an assessment just into Band C3.
Band C3 – 5 marks
241 | P a g e
Summary
Sentences generally linked by topic; some illogical connections merit the lower mark in Band
B2.
Band B2 – 2 marks
242 | P a g e

sections organised
SWIMING in paragraphs;
signalled by
Children will injoy swimming. They could go ealy in subheadings (B4)
occasional use
of adverbials the morning before school. Swimming is good
and expanded
noun phrases (A4) becaues you use every bone in your body. If they
can not swim then I'm sore that they could find an no opening or
range of connectives concluding
(A3) swimming center that would give swimming lesons. statement (not B3)
Roller-skating
Roller-skating is rely fun. When you get the hang of
each section focuses on
different sentence
it. It's very good exasizes. you use alot of enage one activity (B3); some
beginnings achieved by up. Alwase take a bollat of water with you. When organisation within
varying or repositioning paragraphs not always
the subject (A3) you go on a long disdunts run. logical (not B4)
RUNNING
running is the best exases you can get. If you run introductory phrases
to paragraphs
too far with out water you dehidrate. you use your attempted (just B4)
some incorrect
sentence demarcation
arm's and leggs alot. In the morning you could run
(not A2); some to the swimming pool.
boundaries marked
correctly (A2) Jodo
you get fit at Jodo. Is one of the fuenst and safest
structures lack control
evident in earlier spots in the wold. you use you hands and legs.
sections of text (A3)
Same as running. You could take your children
there in the evening. So if you wan't to be fit come
to Jodo.
243 | P a g e
Summary
Variation in sentence beginnings and use of connectives indicate a mark in Band A3; despite the
use of noun phrases and adverbials, the sentence demarcation suggests the lower mark in the
band.
Band A3 – 4 marks
244 | P a g e
• Ideas arranged and adapted for a newspaper format (C3); intended readership switches
between parents (You could take your children there in the evening) and children (running is
the best exases you can get) (C2); benefits slightly differ according to the nature of the
activity (C3).
• Positive aspects of exercise given (Roller-skating is rely fun) but some reasons are not made
to sound appealing (you use alot of enage up; you use your arm’s and leggs alot) (just C3).
• Vocabulary is varied and appropriate (swimming center; enage; long disdunts; safest) (C3).
Summary
Report generally engages the reader with appropriate information given; most aspects of Band
C3 are demonstrated but the lack of consistency in addressing the target readership merits the
middle mark in Band C3.
Band C3 – 6 marks
245 | P a g e
Summary
Text is well-structured into sections but more organisation within paragraphs would be needed
for Band B4.
Band B3 – 5 marks
246 | P a g e

The British Heart Foundation recommend that we

an opening question
immediately varies should do one hour of exercise every day. Are we introductory section
sentence type (A4) (B4)
doing that? I worked out four things that you could
do every day.
noun phrases with
limited expansion
First all an easy one, walking to and from school. text organised into
(A3) Even if you live far away you can park the car and three paragraphs:
introduction; details
walk the rest of the way and do the same going of activities and
when to do them;
home. Secondly you can cycle. Just twenty minutes general benefits of
varied sentence openings exercise (B4)
(A3) perhaps after school. Third, playground games.
You can have fun doing them you do them every
day and they are exercise. Plus you can do them
mostly accurate sequencing words used
sentence punctuation with a friend. Finally ball games. They're fun, to order second
(A3); full stops
sometimes used instead energetic and they're a exercise. You can do them paragraph
of commas to mark
phrases or clauses (not
in your back garden.
A4) If you do these things and perhaps some
other things your heart will be healthy and so will all final paragraph less
you body. You'll have a job well done. You'll feel well ordered (not
B4)
consistent use of pleased with yourself and I can certainly say that is
general pronoun you to
offer advice; I used to a good thing. If I do the vacuum cleaning I feel
support claims (A3)
good about it and I get some money. So have a go
and become a fit, happy and feel good person. The
pronouns used to avoid vacuum cleaning is a exercise to and you might get concluding sentence
repeating activity (A4)
re-emphasises
some money at the end. So rember have fun in your opening (B3)
exercise don't their a chore.
247 | P a g e
Summary
More variation in sentence structure and expanded noun phrases or adverbials would be needed
for Band A4.
Band A3 – 5 marks
248 | P a g e
• Opening section identifies and involves the reader (Are we doing that?) (C4); balanced but
brief coverage of activities (just C4); general benefits given but not linked to specific
activities (C3) (your heart will be healthy; You’ll feel pleased with yourself).
• Consistently positive viewpoint containing elements of persuasion (So have a go and become
a fit, happy and feel good person); authoritative voice attempted (The British Heart
Foundation recommend) (C4).
• Some activities made to sound appealing as well as manageable (easy one; you can do them
in your back garden) (C4); everyday vocabulary used (good thing; job well done) (C3).
Summary
The effectiveness of the report in addressing and persuading its target readership to exercise
leads to an assessment just into Band C4; the brief description of activities and simple
vocabulary results in the lowest mark in this band.
Band C4 – 8 marks
249 | P a g e
Summary
Overall the organisation of the first two paragraphs results in a mark in Band B4.
Band B4 – 6 marks
250 | P a g e
Most people enjoy exercise, yet not everyone first paragraph sets the
context for the report
dose enough of it, it is recommended that each (B4)
expanded noun
child has at least one whole hour of exercise.
phrases (A4) You do not have to do the exercise all at once
four paragraphs
short bursts throughout the day should still give deal with each
recommended
you that hour of exercise: · activity in turn (B4)
pronouns used to Roller-skating is a fun and easy way too
avoid repeating
subject (A4) exercise, it is also enjoyable because you can do
it in groups of any amount, from by yourself to a bullet points signal the
start of each new
group of five or six. But if you are exercising in section (B4)
this way always were; elbow pads, knee pads

and a helmet. ·
introductory phrase
sentence demarcation Swimming is another very effective way of links to previous
mostly accurate; attempts section (B4)
to use a more advanced exercise. It is also keeping your arms and legs
range of punctuation;
some commas correctly strong. Swimming is, like roller-skating, enjoyable
demarcate
phrases/clauses (A4) because you can join clubs and swim with
your friends. You are most likely to swim at
weekends or out of school, but some schools
now have swimming lessons in the cricculem. ·
Ball games, can exercise most parts of the body,
in football you obviously are exercising your feet,
but if you happen to be the goal keeper you are connections are
made between ideas
using both your hands and your feet. It is the within paragraphs
same in tennis you use your arms to hit back the (B4)
adverbials define
activities (A4)
ball, and your legs to run about. In baseketball
or netball you use your arms to pass the ball and
your legs to run and jump.
Walking is an afficiant way of exercise because
no concluding
your doing it most of the time from walking to statement (not B4)
sentence construction is school and walking back home, to walking to
varied and controlled
(A4) your lesson's, or maybe on a school trip or in a
museum.
251 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence structures are varied and a range of punctuation is used, meriting a mark in Band A4.
Band A4 – 6 marks
252 | P a g e
• A wide range of activities presented with a diverse readership in mind; extra guidance/advice
sometimes given (You are most likely to swim at weekends or out of school; always were;
elbow pads, knee pads and a helmet) (C4).
• Gentle persuasive tone adopted; use of impersonal it implies an authoritative stance (it is
recommended that each child has at least one whole hour of exercise) (C4).
• Individual activities sound appealing and manageable (your doing it most of the time); some
precise technical language is effectively incorporated in the text (elbow pads; helmet;
cricculem; afficiant way) (C4).
Summary
An effective newspaper report; the balanced coverage and development of individual activities
results in the top mark in Band C4.
253 | P a g e
Summary
Despite the lack of a conclusion the overall organisation of the text is best typified by Band B4.
Band B4 – 6 marks
254 | P a g e
102. What might Have Happened?

ORGANISATION
mainly simple legs ran and register up. legs ran as hard as she
sentence structures
(D2);
some simple
could she ran out of the park Spider her friend was
connectives in the league. She ran up the hill but as she got to some sentence
(just D3) boundaries demarcated
the top of the hill she was tried out. She did go on with full stops and
capital letters (D2); some
round the old stone brick church past the white unmarked boundaries
personal subject
used repetitively wash fort, through the school grounds past the commas separate listed
(D2) elements of Legs' race
black brick castle, down the steep road. But as but without consistency
(not quite D3)
attempts to convey she was going down the road she was drarwing
Legs' thoughts
through chaining of with a girle Hannah she was going in front of legs.
speech-like clauses
(D2)
So legs ran as fast as she could legs came fiffth it
didn't matter at least she got it the first five. The
next day legs was in the news papper the head line sequences of sentences
develop final idea (D2)
was Ran a race for her uncle it had a picture of her.
She was so happy her uncle was ok.
255 | P a g e
Summary
A simple but well-structured piece of writing; not enough elements of D3 – at the top of Band
D2.
Band D2 – 3 marks
256 | P a g e
• A simple series of events (E2) with a slight final new twist (the head line was Ran a race for
her uncle) (just E3); places from the original story included (round the old stone brick
church, white wash fort); race description lacks development (not E3).
• Elements of Legs’ character/feelings revealed (ran as hard as she could; She was so happy
her uncle was ok) (E3); some simple vocabulary used repetitively (ran, go on) (E2).
Summary
An appropriate but simple conclusion leading to the award of the higher mark in Band E2; on
balance, the final twist is not enough evidence to merit a mark in Band E3.
Band E2 – 3 marks
257 | P a g e

ORGANISATION
mainly simple The race began. leg's was in the lead then Spider full stops and capital
repetitive sentence letters demarcate some
structures (D2) was in the lead. this cared on for an few more sentence boundaries
(D2)
menits. Till spider was in the lead. leg's had to
some inconsistencies stoped for a few mints. Then she was off again.
with tense (D2)
then she new if she cared on she dehdate. She
could not go on. But then she saw some water on a simple connectives
sequence events in
mostly simple table she drank the water and was off again. She the story (D2)
action verbs (D2)
cort up with Spider then Siper fell leg's stoped to
look after Spider. She gave an pigg back ride to the
some attempt to vary
finish. She had drew with Spider. the crowd was
capital letters
subjects (D3) chiring louldly. Spider was taken to hosatall. he sometimes used for
proper nouns
had broken an leg 8 monts later Spider was back to
his old sef running arand the place and race leg's.
time adverbials
signify changes in
time (D3)
258 | P a g e
Summary
Some evidence of Band D3 but lacks sentence variation or consistent sentence demarcation – at
the top of Band D2.
Band D2 – 3 marks
259 | P a g e
• Race described in a chronological sequence; attempt to create uncertainty about whether
Legs would finish the race (She could not go on) (E3).
• Narrator gives some indication of Legs’ feelings (then she new if she cared on she dehdate);
Legs’ actions consistent with the original story (leg’s stoped to look after Spider) (just E3).
• Factual details describe the race (leg’s was in the lead then Spider was in the lead) (E2).
Summary
An appropriate ending with some limited character and plot development but lacking a sense of
how the race affected Legs; awarded the lower mark in Band E3.
Band E3 – 4 marks
260 | P a g e

ORGANISATION
dialogue includes some attempt to

fragments of "good" she cried organise story ending in
realistic speech paragraphs (D4)
(D4) She stared of very fast She was panting hard.
"come on legs you can do it" her ankel cryed. She
was 10th 11th 12th and now she was last She sped some awareness of how
to use full stops and
occasional on like a cheater, she couldn't do it her feet weer so capital letters, but
sentences not demarcated
compound
sentence (D3),
hot they flet like they weer on fier. accurately (D1)
mainly simple She stoped she tuck her shoes of sped of agen O
structures (D2)
NO! they weer niley finshed She sped on even
cwier sparkes flad out from onder her soses she
was so tied now she couldn't do it. And then, she time adverbial indicates
consequence of her
unvaried use of
personal pronoun fell over a stick flat on her face. She cryed out tiredness (just D3)
she (not D3)
"I can't do it" She stoped ther in the midel of the adverbials used for
precision (D4)
track.
What she didn't relis was she had don it she was speech marks demarcate
dialogue accurately
liyeing on the finsh line she had come 13th (D4)
261 | P a g e
Summary
A range of evidence from Bands D1 to D4; overall it was awarded the bottom mark in Band D3.
Band D3 – 4 marks
262 | P a g e
• Ending involves reader; race development pacy but not always controlled (she tuck [off] her
shoes… sparkes flad out from onder her soses); interesting but credible final twist (What she
didn’t relis was she had don it she was liyeing on the finsh line she had come 13th) (E4).
• Legs’ motivation is implicit; her actions indicate her determined character ([she] sped of
agen; She sped on even cwier) (E4).
• Dramatic tension created; similes and words/phrases reveal how difficult Legs found the race
and emphasise her speed (she couldn’t do it her feet weer so hot they flet like they weer on
fier) (E4).
Summary
The ending draws the reader into the drama of the race and creates an element of suspense; its
effectiveness outweighs the slight illogicality, leading to the award of the top mark in Band E4.
Band E4 – 7 marks
263 | P a g e

ORGANISATION
expanded noun
phrases accurately
The starter shot his pistol and the race began. Legs most sentence
mark sections of the ran the first ten metres without losing her breath. boundaries demarcated
race (D4) accurately (D3);
The next forty metres she ran panting she was in no commas to mark
phrases/clauses (not D4)
sixth place she just needed to get infront of Spider
some variation in who was in fifth. The last part of the race she ran in
sentence structure (D4)
pain clinging to her side because of an aching
stitch. Soon she started to feel dizzy and faint. adverbials signal passing
of time (D3)
some subordinating When she got to the finishing line Legs felt so dizzy
connectives form
complex sentences (D4) she fainted not knowing where she had come in the
race.
She woke up in a hospital bed an hour later her conclusion organised
into paragraphs; a new
controlled attempts to
vary use of Legs and
uncle was in the bed next to her and her mum was paragraph used for a
new location or speaker
she (D3) nestled by her side. (D4)
"Where did I come?" questioned Legs.

adverbials used for "Fifth" replied her mum.
precision (D4)
"So I did it," cried Legs," I came in the first five."
Legs was so pleased with herself she jumped out of
dialogue includes
realistic question and bed and hugged her uncle.
answer sequence (D4)
"That was a day to remember, " said her uncle.
"It certainly was," replied Legs. direct speech
punctuated
She never forgot that race again. accurately (D4)
264 | P a g e
Summary
Variation in sentence type and construction as well as paragraphing points to a mark in Band
D4.
Band D4 – 6 marks
265 | P a g e
• Race sections depicted with a sense of competitiveness (she just needed to get infront of
Spider who was in fifth); a problem creates suspense (Soon she started to feel dizzy and
faint); overall ending is well-plotted and engaging (E4).
• Legs’ attitude and motivation implicit (“So I did it,”; she jumped out of bed and hugged her
uncle) (E4).
• Vocabulary choices give an insight into how difficult Legs found the race (panting; aching
stitch; dizzy and faint) (E4).
Summary
The ending credibly concludes the original story and involves the reader in the drama of the
situation; effective use of knowledge from the original story merits the higher mark in Band E4.
Band E4 – 7 marks
266 | P a g e
106. Feature Article

question marks and

some full stops used simple headline (B2)
correctly but sentence Oran's Life
demarcation not adverbial locates
secure (not A2) Last week round about 7 o'clock an Alien came to earth we report in time (B3)
have interveiwed the little man or thing

we have found out that his name is oran and he lives on the
sentences, linked basic introduction
with simple connectives planet otoperery. Here is the interveiw. (B2)
(A2)
Hello little man, were do you come from?
I come from otoperery and my name is Oran
organisational signal
Hello oran is there more people like you? to lead reader through
the text (B3)
Yes on my planet theres some.
simple adverbial of
place (A2) What do you eat ?
I eat moggly. pronoun reference
What is moggly? used appropriately
within
It is what you earthlings call a tipe snail sections (B2)
commas used in list do you eat any think else?

(A2) Yes I eat yones and Hogone
what are yone and Hogone? simple questions and
dialogue not signalled answers, speakers
with inverted commas,
yones are leaves squeedsed in to a tipe of cheese and differentiated only
by line breaks (B2)
capitals not used Hogones are a tipe of ice cream.
consistently for names
(not A3) What do you like and dislike about your planet ?
I like the food there, the colour of the planet and the sparsens ideas linked by related
vocabulary (B2)
simple verbs often there but I don't like the bolly wogle plants
repeated eat, are, like,
mainly present tense Why don't you like the bolly wogle plants?
ending is abrupt
I don't like them because they are smelly and are to hard to without conclusion
(B2)
say.
occasional
subordination (A2)

Summary
Simple sentence structure with some limited variation leads to band 2; insecure punctuation
inhibits understanding and points to the lower mark in the band.
Band A2 – 2 marks
267 | P a g e
• Introduction gives setting and introduces main character. Selection of information limited
but appropriate with some development of one aspect of Oran’s lifestyle (his eating habits).
(C2).
• Signals about Oran’s strangeness brought in early (‘little man or thing’) and maintained
through the use of invented words that are later explained (almost C3).
• Some detail and attempts at character development (you earthlings) (almost C3).
Summary
Simple piece; limited coverage of topic and lack of detail and description suggest band C2;
attempts to highlight ‘strange’ aspects and awareness of reader justify the top mark in this band.
Band C2 – 5 marks

Summary
Basic introduction followed by a string of questions and answers; some links through related
vocabulary and pronouns.
Band B2 – 2 marks
268 | P a g e

A Boy from Mars!

mixture of short questions
and longer compound attention grabbing
sentences (A2) headline (B3)
There was a boy found in whale's today June 1999 playing
some expanded noun with another little boy called Joe wood. A man called Kyile simple opening (B2)
phrases (A2)
harper found him in a park and thought he looked strange.
Kyle asked. What is your name? Oran he Replied. coverage limited (B2)
some evidence of Where do you live? Oh far far away from here. do you live at
correct sentence
demarcation, less the other side of the world? not realy. Then his little friend Joe
towards the end; some questions used
use of capital helped him out and said he come's from Mars. like section
letters not secure subheadings to
(not A2) What is it like? organise text (B2)
I always have home work i never have holidays and my mum
pronouns used for
clauses are linked
is a Artist she draws posters and my dad cleans the planet i reference (planet/it)
(B2)
with simple have four sisters called milky, silky, tilky
connectives,
sometimes and flow. reference back to
repetitively (A2) earlier information
What does your planet / look like? (B2)
commas used in list of It is very strange from hear it is very small and round there are
names (A2)
always related vocabulary
question marks used links ideas (B2)
appropriately (A2)
stars out because it is very dark but we have light from the
floor.
exclamation marks i never stop having home work i am the only Boy!
for emphasis (A2) Would you like to move over her?
some links within
no speech marks yes and no yes because ive got Joe and no because i would paragraphs or
(not A3) between clauses
miss my family. but
some unsuccessful
attempts to use i could not have a better life. ends abruptly without
apostrophes (not A3) conclusion (B2)
some subordination (A2)

Summary
Punctuation inconsistent but attempts to vary sentence construction place this piece towards the
top of the band.
Band A2 – 3 marks
269 | P a g e
• Format and style mainly appropriate to task. Information given appropriate but simple (C2).
• Some signals about Oran’s strangeness, but these are not developed (C2); some recognition
of Oran’s viewpoint – from here it looks………., I would miss my family (not enough for C3).
• Some imaginative vocabulary choices (milky, silky, tilky and flow; light from the floor) but
mainly everyday ideas (homework; small and round) (C2).
Summary
Article generally engages reader with appropriate style and information given; lack of detail and
development led to the award of the middle mark in Band C2.
Band C2 – 4 marks

Summary
Organisation of text is simple; internal connections are clear.
Band B2 – 3 marks
270 | P a g e

LIFE ON MARS DISCOVERED
explicit headline (B3)

time setting Last week we discovered Life on mars, we have got an introduction to give
adverbial (A3)
interview with young oran who we found wondering the streets of background (B3)
variety of subheading to guide

London. the reader (B3)
subordinating
connectives different strands
introduced through
Oran was seen wondering the streets when Andrews deans questions probing some
aspects of Oran’s life
subordination extends bumped into him, Oran told Andrew he was lost and he told Andrew (B3)
meaning and varies
sentence structures the whole story, he told the press.
(A4)
An Interview with Oran
some pronoun reference
Is there lots of people on mars? unclear (not B3)
verbs and tenses No, not really there is only my family and my friends family, Smez
varied to express a
range of meanings wanted to come here with me but he's not old enough.
(discovered; was found
wondering; was lost; What sort of things do you do?
wanted to come; have We have invented many games that we play and we never get bored
invented; could send;
says; would like to go). of them.
(almost A4) some references linked
Where do you get your food and what do you eat? within a question and
expanded noun
We are all vegetarians so we eat carrots and lettuce that we grow. answer sequence (B3)
phrases What does your dad do?
My dad and gretol (my friends dad) make all the wooden things like short paragraphs used
but transition between
qualifier word adds
chairs and tables so we have a good life. sometimes awkward
(B3)
precision Well that was our interview with Oran, maybe we could send some
awareness of commas
astronouts to explore life on mars. ending re-establishes
evident, but not used Young Andrew says he would like to go and see oran in space so authorial ‘we’of
appropriately (comma opening (B3)
splices) (not A3) maybe he could have his record of youngest astonaut ever.
Well we found life on mars who look like humans.
some sentence
boundaries marked
correctly, sometimes
line breaks used (A1)
Editor, Sam Johnson

Summary
Varied sentence construction, use of verbs and subordination give evidence for band A3.
Inconsistent punctuation leads to the lower mark in the band.
Band A3 – 4 marks
271 | P a g e
• Awareness of reader shown through engaging headline, contextual information and ending
(almost C4). Selection of pertinent material with some variety of focus (C3) but topics are
not developed (not C3).
• Reporter’s voice is evident but sense of Oran’s ‘strangeness’ is limited.
• Informality of style and use of spoken stylistic devices appeal to reader (almost C4), but
interplay between main characters is basic and there is little character development (not C3).
Some vocabulary, particularly verbs, effectively chosen (e.g. discovered, wondering, bumped
into, invented, explore).
Summary
An editorial voice implies a wide range of elements within the strand are covered. Although
lacking in detail, it has a clear sense of audience indicating Band C3. More effective use of
detail and description needed to achieve higher mark within this band.
Band C3 – 6 marks

Summary
Basic structure of article is sound indicating Band B3. Internal links and paragraphs are present
but not clearly developed suggesting the lower mark in the band.
Band B3 – 4 marks
272 | P a g e

evidence of varied
sentence lengths and Oran, Tells About His Life Oran intervied by Ben Seymour
constructions e.g. clear sections related to
subordination to extend purpose. (Headline,
Oran is the first ever real life alien. He is famous for his boots. Joe Marut is the only introduction, verbatim
meaning (A3)
human to own a pair of Orans boots. interview, additional
Oran is 161 years which means he's a child on his home planet. Here is my interview reported information,
with him. interviewer’s conclusion)
some attempt to vary
(B3)
question openings
although becomes Ben: Hi Oran how do you like earth? within sections ideas are
repetitive later in the developed and expanded
Oran: I like it, it's rather wet though.
piece (A3) (e.g. What..) (B3)
Ben: Is it true that you live in the Sahara desert?
Oran: Yes
Ben: Well what do you eat?
simple comparisons
expanded noun phrases Oran: Scorpions, beetles and snakes implied – but not
aid precision (A3) Ben: Er, um a meal fit for a king developed (B3)
Oran: A what?
Dialogue reflects Ben: Don't worry
realistic speech (A3) Ben: Whats your planet like?
Oran: It's dry, dusty with no rain questioning is
disjointed in places
Ben: What are your holidays like?
pronouns used Oran: actually we only started them a few weeks ago
appropriately Ben: what's your planet called?
Oran: Poodleshnik galactic
tense choices Ben: Are your new found holidays nice?
appropriate (mainly
present; past and future Oran: Yeah they're alright
where needed) Ben: What was it like before holidays
Oran: It was horrible everyone had to work, no half terms nothing like that at all.
Ben: Thanks Oran, bye
sentence boundaries Oran: yeah bye.
linked references
correctly marked in prose
sometimes provide
text (A3), but demarcation Oran also mentioned that his race, called the Kurchons were 98.5% water. Oran is connections and avoid
largely overlooked in
the only exeption. They live to 480, they become an adult at 300. They can only be repetition
transcript of interview
killed by a blow to the head or chest. They eat a type of plant called Sphcani which to
commas often used humans, tastes like chocolate.
appropriately, sometimes
The Earth has rain and sun. Two things which Poodleschnick Galactic are without.
in lists and to separate
clauses although sometimes The Kurchons are half young, half old. They have white hair and wrinkly hands but a
splice sentences (A3) childs mind and body. They don't drink, just eat.
conclusion includes
apostrophe used I personaly think Oran's a nice bloke. I feel that the Kurchons had a tough life before personal comment and
appropriately Oran did his homework. He still won't give me a pair of boots, the meanie. One thing, revisits opening reference
(B3)
just imagine 480 years of work! Well thanks for reading oh and by the way we're
some ellipsis for
economy interviewing Joe Marut next week.

Summary
A variety of sentence structures used confidently and expanded phrases develop meaning.
Punctuation mainly secure.
Band A3 – 5 marks
273 | P a g e
• Clear headline and introduction followed by a series of interesting facts presented through a
combination of report and interview formats (C3).
• Formal/informal tones varied appropriately, revealing the interviewer’s assumption that Oran
is ‘interestingly unusual’ (C3). Oran’s character, however, is not evident.
• Contrasts emerge by implication as details are juxtaposed.
Summary
There is a clear awareness of purpose and audience, and the personal voice of the reporter is
conveyed (Band C3). Greater development of Oran’s character or more effective use of
description would have contributed to a mark at the top of this band.
Band C3 – 7 marks

Summary
A well shaped article in which reader is guided through clearly signalled sections. More
cohesive links within and between sections required for an award in a higher band.
Band B3 – 5 marks
274 | P a g e

Out of this world!

complex sentence An alian or a martian, this boy is one of the two. He has caused great confusion headline is engaging
constructions are and introduction well
varied and between scientists saying thats its impossible for an intruder from out space to focused (B4)
controlled (A4) make their way to earth. But believe me Its happened, and I know this because
yestarday I met the boy who has caused all this havock and I thought he was
paragraphs are ordered
noun phrases out of this world. logically and different
expanded with
Oran has bright green spikey hair, orange eyes a very long nose and a yellow aspects of Oran’s life are
subordination (A4)
body. He told me that he needed to be that colour because of the Hydras that developed within each
one (B4)
live on his planet. If you looked like any ordinary human they would rip, and tear
extensive use of you to shreads but if you looked bright its like a warning sign so they will not
shifts in theme
complex verb phrases attack you. He also said that in his planet it was very fassionable to grow your supported by paragraph
(A4) (needed to be
hair as long as you could if you where a boy and to have all your hair shaved divisions (B4)
that colour; would rip,
and tear you to off if you where a girl! Odd.
shreds; grow your hair Next I asked Oran what his planet was like. He said that it is very hot and red
as long as you could) internal paragraph
and you often get some of your skin burnt off by the lava shooting out of structure guides reader
volcanos! I also asked him if it hurt when you got burnt by lava but Oran just through sequence of
expanded qualifying ideas (B4)
showed me a scar on his forehead that had been burnt by lava and I assumed
clauses provide
shades of meaning that it would have hurt.
(A4) I decided to ask Oran what they do for fun in his planet and he told me that
thematic and vocabulary
they ate food for fun. They eat bits of comet. 'They are very crunchy exclaimed links evident within and
short sentence used Oran.' They also eat fire balls which are very hot and spicy. I said, 'what else do between paragraphs (e.g.
for effect (A4) you do for fun' and he replied 'I do my homework for fun and I also do more Heat: red, hot, burnt,
burning lava, volcanos,
work for extra credit. It asked him if he ever played with his friends but he said fireballs) (B4)
adverbials vary
sentence focus nothing and turned away so I stopped at that question.
I asked Oran if there was anything else he wanted to tell me about his own
planet and he said what he liked and what he hated. he liked how hot it was
and he liked doing homework and he hated that his planet was red. 'Its so deep
paragraph developed
and dull' he said in a low voice. from general to specific
a range of All in all I think Oran Is a very nice alien or boy and I don't think theres anybody through detail and
punctuation used (A4) who would'nt like him. I think more scientists should stop thinking about the contrast
but some
inconsistencies e.g. scientific side of this and they should start thinking about the realistic side that
inappropriate use of Aliens could come to Earth.
commas or speech
marks; missing question conclusion adds reflective
marks and apostrophes comment linked to
preceding information (B4)
Rebecca Laws reporting for the Zodiak.

Summary
Extensive expansion throughout develops meaning and precision. Controlled selection of a
range of sentence types leads to band A4. Inconsistencies in punctuation lead to the lower mark
in the band.
Band A4 – 6 marks
275 | P a g e
• Report connects interesting and informative content with ideas about scientists and their
views about aliens; headline and introduction are engaging and conclusion refers back to
beginning (C4).
• Reporter’s voice is maintained; a range of aspects of Oran’s life and personality are
presented and interspersed with evaluative comments from the reporter (I think more
scientists should…) (C4).
• There is a conscious addressing of the reader (…believe me Its happened and I know this
because….). A sense of Oran’s character as rather serious and different emerges through the
dialogue and the interviewer’s comments (..turned away so I stopped..) (C4).
Summary
Reader’s interest is engaged and sustained throughout. Information interspersed with description
and comment and appropriate reporting style is mainly maintained. Characterisation not fully
developed leading to the middle mark in the band.

Summary
The organisation of the whole text is supported by paragraphs which are consistent and
developed leading to band B4. Cohesive links within and between paragraphs point to the
higher mark in the band.
Band B4 – 7 marks
276 | P a g e

the article is clearly

a range of sentence ORAN THE OUTER SPACE BEING structured; headline and
structures and Oran is a small boy found recently in a shower block at a camping site. Nothing to write introduction are
expanded phrases engaging and direct
vary the length and an article about I hear you say. Well, Oran is from Outer Space and, I think you'll agree,
that makes it a whole lot more interesting altogether! (B5)
focus of questions
and express subtleties Oran arrived here, on Earth, from a planet he calls 'Ezthelent.' Here is how he described it
of meaning (A5) each section well
in a recent interview:
signalled, key themes
"It is red, flat land, which stretches endlessly as far as the eye can see. There are trees, highlighted then
commas support
the structure of but they are a lot more attractive than yours. Ours sparkle in the sun and drop the most developed within
longer sentences delicious fruit called Eaglewumps. That is what we live on - scrumptiously tasty, always paragraphs (B5)
(A5) available and ever abundant fruit. I can't imagine that anyone wouldn't just always love to paragraphs follow
adverbs give eat them because they are so fragrant and calming as well as filling and nutritious." logically, questions
emphasis and I asked Oran what else he could tell us about life on his planet and how it compared with probe and develop
extend meaning ours. information given
(A4/5) earlier (B5)
"Well, on Ezthelnet we have woc's (a type of cow), gip's (a type of pig), tac's (a type of
cat) and esroh's (a type of horse). So although in appearance my home planet is quite connections built up
sentence complexity
different from here, in other ways it is almost, but not quite, the same!" between ideas
and variety –
subordinate clauses "Yes, I can see exactly what you mean Oran! Can you tell us something about how your interplay between
(sometimes people are different from us?" interviewer and Oran
embedded) used to
link ideas and He went on to tell me that on his planet all the people look the same. They all have
extended phrases to blonde sticky-up hair, a bright, young-looking face and old, wrinkly hands. They call links between questions
develop descriptions themselves Orantoes. Everyone is called Oran but has a number after their name. and answers (B5)
(A5) "My real name is Oran 5246359872025," Oran proudly told me, a big smile on his face. comments relate to
Hilarious! answers given
short sentences used Orantoes entertain themselves by playing Jockhopperoni, a game where they have to previously (B5)
for effect (A5) walk up the walls wearing Moonibooties, (specially designed for each individual) then
verbs vary time jump off and try and land on someone. It is a dangerous game but fun in Oran's
unfamiliar word
references opinion.
introduced and explained
Oran came to Earth to learn about holidays. then adapted and re-used
punctuation is "Every day," he said. "Someone comes to Earth to learn about a certain subject and can (B5)
accurate and varied to only go back when they have completed the task. They do this by making friends with a
enhance clarity; human. My human friend is called Joe. I completed my task only this morning and now I
(accurate sentence have to report back home. I have enjoyed my time here, nonetheless I will be glad to see coverage well paced and
demarcation, speech even (B5)
my own familiar surroundings again."
marks, commas for concluding
lists and to separate "Yes. I can understand why you have mixed feelings. I feel it too." paragraph supports
clauses, question Well then, now we know that Orantoes live on Ezthelent, play Jockhopperoni, eat organisation of ideas in
marks, exclamation Eaglewumps and come to Earth to do their homework. I think being an Orantoe must be whole text by
marks, brackets) lots of fun. Don't you? By Jamie Wilson summarising and
commenting upon them
(B5)

Summary
Variation in construction, length and focus of sentences, combined with secure use of tenses,
expansion and subordination and full range of punctuation merits the award of 8 marks.
Band A4 – 8 marks
277 | P a g e
• Manipulation of the audience is controlled. The initial direct address (…. I hear you say…..I
think you’ll agree…) immediately engages the reader and interest is sustained by content
selected to inform and entertain. Detail and description balanced alongside character
development (through dialogue and personal comment) and humour (C5).
• Tone of address ironic and tongue-in-cheek. A combination of reported fact and viewpoints
revealed through dialogue between reporter and Oran (C5).
• Engaging report style is adopted; interactions between Oran and interviewer reveal
characters and attitudes as well as interesting information. Interplay well paced and
supported by personal comment, both direct (Hilarious!) and implied (I feel it too.) (C5).
Summary
Consistency of style, authoritative tone and control, manipulation of audience, balanced
coverage, use of detail, description, character development, viewpoint and personal comment
are confidently managed to produce an effective article gaining the highest mark.

Summary
Presentation of whole text effectively managed to guide the reader. Paragraphs structured for
clarity and logically ordered. Internal developments within paragraphs give the article shape and
combine a range of cohesive references to interlink sections leading to the highest mark.
Band B5 – 8 marks
112. Instructions Leaflet

Shorter task - Example 1
How to use these boots Warnings and How to care for your
safety information boots
• wear them on your feet
• wear them with socks • Dont put them in a hot • Keep them in a cool
• wear them on a colder Place place
muddy day • Wash them every day • put them some where
• dont wear them for bed • Dont polish them safe
• dont wear them in the • Dont let anyone else • Keep them clean
sun wear them • leave them in a box
• leave them in a dark • Dont leave them outside when your not wearing
place • Keep them away from them
Babies • Keep them tidy
278 | P a g e
Summary
Mainly simple repetitive phrases and imperatives: overall content and presentation suggest Band
D2,
Band D2 – 2 marks

• Simple list of instructions but lacking explanation about what the boots can or cannot do
(almost E2).
• Basic informative style (E2); vocabulary is appropriate but simple (E2).
Summary
The style is clear and direct but is lacking in detail, therefore the lower mark within Band E2 is
indicated. More developed instructions and explanation would be required for a higher band.
Band E2 – 2 marks

safety information Boots
Just stamp both feet twice
on the ground and walk Don't leave them out in Never fling them when
forward. You may need to the sun, rain wind or they you take them off.
say please and thank you. will be blown up You are Always, always feed them
Use the boot wisley! able still to take them out. mud.
Stars make you clime up You may leave them NEVER LET DOG or
the walls quickly. inside for when you need ANIMALS nere them!
Have fun with WALL them.
CLIMBING BOOTS! We advise you not to tell
your mum and dad!

Summary
Although there is evidence of some variation, sentences are mainly simple in construction with
little expansion. Basic sentence punctuation secure. Organisation of ideas is appropriate.
Band D2 – 2 marks
279 | P a g e
• Leaflet is informative and the advice given is mainly useful but not always explained or
developed (E2).
• Reader is addressed in a direct friendly tone; (Have fun with...; ...not to tell your mum and
dad!) (E2).
• Style is engaging and there is some imaginative content; imperatives are used appropriately
for effect (E2).
Summary
A basic sense of purpose supports the award of a mark in Band E2; sufficient coverage and
engaging content merits the higher mark in the band.
Band E2 – 3 marks

Pull the string to make them
up so you can wear them. Don't put these shoes near fire Buy new shoe laces every
If it is raining press the boat because the material starts to week because the light
boots button and suddenly melt. bulb in them that makes
floats appear under your If the shoes pop up to much and you see your shoes in the
boots. smother your feet press the dark will run out.
Also the solar powered sun emergency stop button. Please polish them with
dial can only be used in sun Don't wear them for longer than our new super, super
and not waterproof. 3 hours because rubber may polish because it makes
start to explode. your shoes feel new again
Do not go in the sea with these (every 2 weeks.)
boots on because the salt can
seriously damadge them. If
someone has the same boots as
you don't go near them because
your boots will probably scream
and it will start crying and flood
wherever you are!

Summary
Variation in sentence structure and appropriate grouping of information by sub-heading
suggests band D3.
Band D3 – 3 marks
280 | P a g e
• Information and advice given is both appropriate and useful; instructions supported by
explanations (E3).
• Formal tone mainly maintained (...solar powered sun dial can only be used...) but
occasionally weakened by selection of inappropriate content (...your boots will probably
scream and it will start crying...) (E3).
• Impersonal style generally consistent; precise vocabulary choices add detail and engage the
reader (solar powered sun dial, emergency stop button, waterproof, smother).
Summary
Consistency of style and viewpoint, together with the inclusion of descriptive and explanatory
details, justifies the higher mark within Band E3.
Band E3 – 5 marks

• To turn the suction pads
on, press the red star.
• To turn the suction pads • Do not walk up walls without • Do not wear them in
off, press the silver turning the suction pads on. mud as mud will not
moon. • Do not walk without doing the come off the boots.
• To do the boots up press boot up. • Do not wear them in
the gold sun. The boot • Do not fly within 10 foot of over 35oC as the boots
will close and you will be water. Doing so, your boots will melt.
safe. will explode taking your feet • Most importantly wash
• To fly, type in FIRY on with them. them twice a day with
The keyboard on the sole • Watch out for dogs they can only ice cold water or
Of the boot. think your boots are one of About - 50oC.
them as the boots are dog fur.
• Do not walk up bathroom or
Any walls which contains tiles.

Summary
Clear presentation and appropriately ordered information justify Band D3. More varied sentence
constructions needed for the top band.
Band D3 – 3 marks
281 | P a g e
• Leaflet successfully addresses purpose; relevant information selected to be clear and
informative (E3).
• Impersonal tone of address largely sustained (occasional slips – Watch out for dogs) (E3).
• Style is precise and succinct with some carefully chosen vocabulary; important details are
easily located (E3).
Summary
Instructions are clear and an appropriate style is adopted – Band E3. Fuller explanations and
more imaginative content required for the higher band.
Band E3 – 5 marks

safety information boots
First make sure that the
boots are cool when you For walking up walls and on Clean your boots after
use them. This will make ceilings make sure you walk every time you use them.
them contract and fit jerkily sticking the boots fimly to Use a mixture of 1.2 glass
snugly to your feet. the surface on every move. of warm water and one
Next practice on the ground NEVER attempt to run tablespoon of Fairy liquid
getting your boots to stick. anywhere (only).
Push both feet firmly onto while wearing these. If you are Do not use them more
the floor then you should incompitent or it is your first time than once a week as the
feel a strong pull which using the boots DO NOT walk warm water, used to clean
means you are secure. on them, will make them
Shake your feet to be walls or ceilings. ALWAYS make slack so they will not
unstuck. Use the same sure that you are supervised by tighten when used - this
technique for walking on another being while using the could be potentionly
walls and cellings. boots. NEVER let animals or dangerous. When the
Warm up the boots to make pets near these boots. colour fades on your
them expand and realse boots then they need to
your feet. be recycled and sent back
to us and made into new
ones. (address on back).
282 | P a g e
Summary
Sentence structure is varied and manipulated for effect; evidence of a range of punctuation
almost always used correctly. Textual organisation allows for clear and consistent grouping,
highlighting and developing the main ideas.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Information is included to instruct and engage the reader; explanations develop
understanding and support the purpose of the writing (E4).
• Tone of address is consistently direct and authoritative; formality is sustained throughout
(E5).
• Style adopted is helpful and precise; imaginative practical details and well chosen
vocabulary (practice, contract, expand, imcompitent, supervised, potentionly).
Summary
Opening establishes an authoritative tone, maintaining the reader’s confidence throughout.
Content is detailed and adapted to purpose, leading to the higher mark in Band E4; more
consistent development of ideas or stylistic devices used for effect would secure the award of
the highest mark.
Band E4 – 7 marks

These boots are very good safety information boots
fun but also dangerous. If Warnings These boots will last a
you follow these • Always make sure you put the long time but can be
instructions carefully, you code in or else the boots will broken quite easily. This is
will be wall-walking all day. over heat, then explode. how to make sure this
1) Put in the code of stars • Make sure you are stuck doesn't happen.
on the bottom by firmly to the wall or you will Once a week polish your
pressing all the stars on fall off. shoes with the polish
the sole of the shoe at • Always think wall-walking or included in this pack.
once. else your boots will not work. Once a month give your
2) Put the shoes on and Safety Information boots a good wash so the
think wall-walking. These boots are valuable and dirt that has clogged up in
3) Go up to a wall and can break easily so if you follow the stars will come out.
jump. You should now be all these rules, you will have Follow these rules and
Stuck to the wall. perfect boots. your boots will never
You can now walk up the break.
wall. Happy wall-walking! Treat them well and you
can enjoy your boots for a
long, long time!
283 | P a g e
Summary
Combination of complex and simple sentences used for effect; accurate punctuation with strong
organisational control and presentation support the award of 4 marks.
Band D4 – 4 marks

• Informative, concise, clear and developed content shows awareness of audience; important
ideas are highlighted (E5); text type adapted for different sections.
• Authoritative voice is credible and sustained. The reader is addressed directly, manipulated
and convinced. Tone is appropriately formal, but in places also warm and persuasive (E5).
• Approach and style are varied within sections. Precise details used to clarify information and
advice and to aid instruction (E5).
Summary
Carefully selected content is presented with explanation in a clear and varied format; control
and precision are combined with an engaging style leading to the award of top marks for this
piece.
Band E5 – 8 marks
118. Just below Level 3
5 Albert way
CH2 3TM
Mimford
25.04.01.
94 High Street
Brockston
Dear, David Beckam, Broklin.
I would like to invite you to our Summer fair it is on 29th April 2001. We would like you to
organise a football match and show us some of your skills and for you to put together a
teachers football match and you can play as well. We would allso like you to be one of the
people who play wet the teacher, you have to put your head through a peice of wood and
people through wet sponges at you. After all that you and Broklin may come to the infant hall
and have a Drink of skosh and a ice lolly.
Yours fathfully
Lewis Ford
284 | P a g e
Purpose and Organisation
This brief letter opens with a personal invitation (I would like to invite you) which gives some
factual details about the date of the proposed event. However, there is no indication of the
reason for the invitation and the letter moves on to focus on the list of events in which the
invited guest is expected to participate (organise a football match, play wet the teacher). There
is some elaboration, but this is restricted to a short explanation about the nature of the game.
Attempts to persuade are limited to the offer of becoming involved in events (teachers football
match) and detail of the refreshment arrangements. Some basic organisational features are
present: the letter establishes its sender and its addressee appropriately at the beginning and end,
with the address and date also given. Overall, the simple structure and basic awareness of
purpose merit an award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
In this letter most clauses are linked by the simple connective and, giving a speech-like
impression. Most sentences begin in a similar way with the first person pronoun, either singular
or plural, but one starts with a generalising comment (After all that). The vocabulary is
predominantly simple but occasional expansion adds interest to the writing (wet sponges). There
is some variation in the use of verbs (would like, can play, may come).
4 marks
Punctuation
Full stops and capital letters are used correctly in half the sentences in this letter. Some capital
letters are also used correctly in the addresses and greetings, but there are some inaccuracies
(way in the address, Drink). Commas are used inaccurately, as in the introductory salutation
(Dear, David Beckam, Broklin).
4 marks
285 | P a g e
119. Level 3
Dear Mayor,
I am writing to you to ask if you will acompany our school at a Summer Fair to raise money for
Charity. Year 6K have decided it’s going to be you because more people will come then. To
raise the money, we will be charging £1.00p a person and inside, we will be having stolls of
games, things to eat and drink, a big bouncy slide and at the end a talent show and disco.
We will not be charging you to get in because your our special guest, but there are little glass
jars that people are taking around, so maybe you could put some pennys in there.
It will be held on the Monday 27th May 2001 in our school field. We were hoping if at the end,
you could give alittle speech about charity to everyone there.
We hope you can come.
Yours sincerely
Year 6K Felston Junior School
P.S. Here is the Schools telephone number if needed 0387-627-5245

Basic letter organisation is evident within the body of the text: there is an introductory statement
with a direct appeal to the guest (I am writing to you) and the final sentence of the letter refers
back to this, indicating the wishes of the writer (We hope you can come). Information about the
event is not consistently grouped, but the letter does give details about all aspects of the fair
including reference to the activities, the date and the place. In some places, generalisations
(things to eat and drink) are combined rather unevenly with precise details (a big bouncy slide).
However, awareness of purpose is shown through the attempts to persuade, for example by
emphasising the guest’s importance (it’s going to be you because more people will come then)
and also offering an incentive to the guest (We will not be charging). Some letter layout
conventions are used, including a post script. Overall, the presence of some organisational
features appropriate to a letter, and some attempt to persuade result in an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
The connectives if, but and so are used to link ideas together in a logical way, and because
develops explanations. Within sentences, subjects and verbs agree and, in addition, there is
some variation in the use of subjects (I, Year 6K, we). Most of the vocabulary is simple, but
appropriate to the context (stolls of games) and, in places, there is expansion (little glass jars).
4 marks
286 | P a g e
Punctuation
Full stops and capital letters are used to demarcate most sentences correctly, and to punctuate an
abbreviation (P.S.). In several places, commas separate clauses, phrases and items in a list. An
apostrophe is used to signal omission (it’s). Some initial capital letters are used accurately for
proper nouns (May) but there is also some inappropriate use (Charity).
5 marks
120. Just below Level 4
Stanley Junior School

Carlton Road,
Toncaster,
T34 9GH
Tuesday 1st May, 2001
To Gerry Halliwell,
I’m Lauren Green from Starley Junior School. I am a really big fan of yours. I like your new song
‘Its raining men’, and I’ve read about you lots of times in magazines. I was a big fan of spice
girls too. I like the song Hola.
At school we are planning an exciting event to raise money for disabled people. Our teacher
said to ask someone famous to come. We will have clowns for entertainment. There will be
music and dancing. Everyone is going to dress up, and there will be prizes for three people who
dressed up the best. I am going to dress up like you. There will be a jumping castle, face
painting, food and some people are going to preform a dance for us. I think most of them are
going to dance to spice girls.
Please could you come, everyone will be so happy. We asked the disabled people to come to
our school on that particular day. We also asked them "Who do you want to come to our
school". They said Gerry Halliwell thats why I’m writing a letter to you. Please come.
Yours sincerely
(Lauren Green)

This letter is clearly structured into three sections which each support the persuasive purpose of
the writing. The introductory paragraph prepares for the request by conveying the writer’s
attitude through personal comment (I am a really big fan of yours). In the second paragraph, the
context of the event is immediately established and, as points are developed, there are attempts
to appeal to the reader’s interest by the use of detail (music and dancing) and further personal
statements (I am going to dress up like you). The request itself is presented in the final
paragraph (Please could you come). Reference to the beneficiaries of the event strengthens the
persuasive appeal (They said Gerry Halliwell) although some impact is lost with the repetition
of the final appeal. The layout of the letter is mainly appropriate, including an address and a
conventional ending phrase. Overall, the organisation of ideas and the persuasive appeal to the
reader merit an award of 15 marks.
15 marks
287 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
Many sentences in the piece are short first person statements of opinion or fact, with some
repetition of subjects (I, We). There is some generalising (lots of times, entertainment) and in
one place there is an attempt to vary the sentence structure by the use of an initial phrase (At
school). Expansion is used occasionally (new song, jumping castle) to add interest to the writing
and some words give precise reference (magazines, disabled) but much of the vocabulary is
simple.
4 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences are correctly punctuated with full stops and capital letters. There is also some
evidence of the correct use of commas, in the address and in the letter to separate clauses within
the sentence and items in a list. Initial capital letters are used fairly consistently for names, and
omission apostrophes are correct on three occasions although others have been missed (Its,
thats). The spoken question ("Who do you want to come to our school”) is enclosed with speech
marks although a question mark is not used. Quotation marks demarcate one of the song titles.
5 marks
121. Level 4
Felston Junior School,

Felston,
FE5 3KG
26/4/2001
Dear Marcus,
We invite you to our cricket tournament on the 4th-5th of May of this year at Felston Junior
School. It will start at 10 o’clock in the morning, and should continue to about 3 o’clock in the
afternoon. It will be held in the Junior school hall (on both days) and will contain 12 teams from
1A to 6L. It will be played as per the 1999 World Cup except for that it will be 20 overs per team
only. There will be 39 matches in total with two seperate pitches in 3 halls. You will be asked to
make the draw for the matches, umpire the top-profile match (which will be decided by our
rankings), present the prize, (more on that later) and star in a friendly match with your 5
favourite players of the tournament. For the prize can you ask both the Somerset team and the
England team to sign a bat for the winners/runners-up?
There is a good reason to come to the tournament - all proceeds will go to help disabled
children who want to play cricket and other sports. It should be lots of fun not just for us but for
you as well!
Yours sincerely
Class 6K
288 | P a g e
This piece opens with an invitation and introductory information about the nature of the event,
the date and location. It goes on to provide details of the event in a structured and logical way,
revealing exact knowledge of the planned event. Throughout the first paragraph, information
and explanation of the guest’s role are presented clearly (You will be asked to make the draw for
the matches). A parenthetic comment (more on that later) refers forwards in the text and
contributes to its overall coherence. The first paragraph closes with a sensible request for help
with the prize. There is less emphasis on persuasion, although the second paragraph focuses on
the recipients of the proceeds of the event and closes with a suitable concluding sentence (It
should be lots of fun not just for us but for you as well!). Layout is appropriate to the form of a
letter, including an address and relevant greetings.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Generalised statements are used (all proceeds will go) and some phrases use expansion to
achieve precise reference (top-profile, friendly). Subordination adds extra information (who
want to play cricket), although not all attempts are equally successful (except for that it will be).
The vocabulary is well chosen and in some places specific to sport (overs, pitches, umpire and
tournament). Pronouns and tenses are consistent throughout, and there is a shift from present to
future time at the beginning of the final paragraph. There is, however, some repetition of the
phrase will be.
5 marks
Punctuation
Capital letters and full stops are used with accuracy to demarcate sentences. There is one correct
question mark and an exclamation mark provides an emphatic conclusion to the final comment.
Commas are also used to separate clauses within sentences and in the address and greeting.
Other punctuation includes parenthetic brackets, which are used three times, a dash and an
apostrophe to signal omission (o’clock).
6 marks
289 | P a g e
122. Level 5
Felston Junior School

43 School Road,
Hull,
England.
LN2 3KA
2nd July 2001
Ant and Dec,

S.M.T.V Studio,
The Broadway,
London,
England.
Dear Ant and Dec,
RE: Special Guest appearence.
I am writing to ask if there may be a chance that you would appear as our SPECIAL GUEST for
a charity talent contest. The contest will be collecting money for a Hospice in Tayshire. It will be
acheived by members of school around this area, performing their own special and individual
talent, including singing, dancing, comedians and even magicians and musicians.
You would be expected to host the contest also to judge the contestants, anounce and award
the winner with a medal.
If you would kindly agree to attend then you will not only be helping us but also the Kids and
Adults at Taycombe Hospice. As you know you cannot save the lives of these people but can
help them have a better chance of less pain and to live the rest of their lives happy.
I’m sure you will agree that this contest is helping people in many ways and that you understant
that having you two as our special guest you will bring alot of publicity to our organisation.
Our school knows and appreciates that you have a busy scheadual and very busy showbiz lives
but please if you could fit this event in please do, don’t just pretend, we and all the people at the
Hospice need you help.
You will be pleased to know that more than half of the class voted to have you as our special
guest and would love to meet you, therefore please consider our request to you Ant and Dec
and help us in our show as it would help very much. Everyone would be extreamly dissapointed
if you could not make it, but if you can FANTASTIC!
The show will be held at the town Hall and is programed to start at 7.00pm on Friday 7th July
2001, and predicted to end at 9.45pm, as there will be over 20 children compeating in the
contest all taking about 5 mins per act.
As I say please read this letter carefully and consider our points and pleads.
Yours Sincerly,
H. Moore
290 | P a g e
This well-structured letter is consistently persuasive while also presenting essential information
about the charity event. The opening sentence adopts a tentative and polite approach (I am
writing to ask if there may be a chance) which is maintained throughout the letter. The nature of
the event is initially established and the piece goes on to outline the duties of the guests and then
attempts to persuade by a variety of techniques. These include seeking the agreement of the
reader (As you know; I’m sure you will agree), emphasising the significance of the guests (you
will bring alot of publicity) and using a direct appeal (please consider our request to you Ant
and Dec). The ending of the letter is slightly less successful as the practical details are dealt with
hurriedly; however the final, generalised appeal supports the purpose of the writing. The letter is
presented using formal conventions including both the school address, the address of the guests
and an underlined heading. The integration of persuasion and information and the organisation
of information using paragraphs justifies the award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
The formal tone of the letter is established by conditional clauses (If you would kindly agree),
and the use of passive (would be expected, will be held). Alternative phrases or pronouns are
used to make links through the text and avoid repetition (the Kids and Adults at Taycombe
Hospice / these people / them). Some words are carefully selected to provide detail (comedians,
magicians) and other vocabulary is adapted to the persuasive purpose, suggesting the attitude of
the writer and others involved (happy, extreamly dissapointed, FANTASTIC).
6 marks
Punctuation
The majority of sentences are correctly demarcated. Commas are frequently used to separate
clauses and phrases in sentences; they are also used accurately in both the addresses and in the
greeting. Capitalisation of initial letters is used for proper nouns (Tayshire) but there is also
some misuse (Kids). Apostrophes have been used for omission (I’m, don’t) and an exclamation
mark is used for emphasis. Other accurate punctuation includes a colon and time references
(9.45pm).
6 marks
123. Just below level 3
Dear pepal of Trokton
We have just finist a brand new park fore evryone to enjyoy. Inside the park ther is a childrens
playground a duck pond a vegetable growing area a grassy part fore the kids to play ball gams.
And a picnic area for the hole famaly to enjyoy. This park was wanse a unused pese of land
with piles of rubish in it. But now its a park. Please put your rubish in the bin cos we are trieng to
keep this a tidy park. So please come to the park please.
291 | P a g e
Purpose and organisation
This simple piece presents a short series of statements that show some awareness of purpose. A
suitable audience is indicated (pepal of Trokton) although the use of letter conventions is not
appropriate. The first sentence relies heavily on the wording in the prompt to provide a brief
introduction. Information about the park’s content follows in the form of a list and there is some
attempt to elaborate (fore the kids to play ball gams). There is no explanation of how the park
was made, but there is some reference to its changed state (unused pese of land; But now its a
park) and a specific request to visitors about looking after the park. Although the attempt to
persuade in the final sentence brings the piece to conclusion, it does not support the purpose of
the writing. Overall, the presence of an introduction and some information about the park lead
to an award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
In places, there is simple expansion of words and phrases from the prompt (childrens
playground, duck pond) although this sometimes leads to repetition within the piece (fore
evryone to enjyoy / for the hole famaly to enjyoy). Much of the vocabulary is simple but some
phrases add interest (brand new, piles of rubish). The writing starts in the first person and
continues less personally. Phrases and clauses are sometimes linked by connectives (And, But,
cos).
2 marks
Punctuation
Almost all the sentences in this piece start with a capital letter and end with a full stop, although
in one place a full stop and capital letter are used incorrectly to separate a phrase from the rest
of the sentence. There is correct capitalisation of a proper noun (Trokton) but there is no other
evidence of punctuation within the sentence.
4 marks
124. Level 3
Community park
how it was built
In 1999 a group of people got together to make a community park. We made a butiful garden
out of a old patch of grass.
keeping it tidy
In the park you will see many bins. In the last 2 years we have picked up 1,762 peices of
rubbish. If we keep it clean it will be here for many years to come.
What is in the park
We have loads of things to see and do. Theres a playground for the kids and a cafe for the
adoults.
292 | P a g e
Information on the park
If you need any help getting around just ask at our information desk.
We thank you all for coming and we hope you have had a nice day and that you come again.
Thank you!
Open – Monday to
Friday 8am to 10pm
Saturday to
Sunday 8am to 9pm

This piece is organised into a sequence of brief sections introduced by subheadings. Although
there is no generalised statement to begin the writing, the first section (how it was built) is
logically positioned to establish some background information for the reader. The first sentence
gives some indication of the park’s history, but development is limited to stating contrast
between the park’s past and present appearance. The use of first person is not appropriate to the
type of writing and reduces the impact of the impersonal opening (In 1999 a group of people).
A direct address to the reader (you will see) and the inclusion of explanatory detail adds interest.
However, the focus of attention moves abruptly back from the specific to the general and the
content of the park itself is rapidly dealt with. Both the concluding section and final greeting
appeal to the reader, and the writer uses suitable layout conventions to present the opening
hours. Altogether, the organisation of information into a form appropriate to an information
leaflet and some attempt to appeal to the reader justify an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
Although some clauses and sentences start repetitively with the personal pronoun We, there is
some attempt at variation (In the last 2 years) and impersonal sentence structures (Theres a
playground). Much of the vocabulary is simple (bins, kids, nice) but in places expanded phrases
add interest (butiful garden, old patch of grass). Some phrases and clauses are linked by and
although there is also use of the conditional if.
4 marks
Punctuation
Every sentence in the piece is correctly demarcated with capital letters and full stops. An
exclamation mark is used for emphasis, and capital letters are used for some of the initial letters
in the subheadings, the opening title and the days of the week. A dash appropriately punctuates
the opening hours, and a comma is included in a large number (1,762).
5 marks
293 | P a g e
Community park
Pic of park
The new high quallaty park in Leeds was made from the work of the volonteererss and the
money from sponsered events. It came about when the council wanted to get rid of some waste
land. The park has several features which include the pond which is home to some rescued
ducks and some fish, the local school uses it for pond dipping.The
vegetable patch is for any one who wants to help grow some veg,
when the veg is ready it gets sold at the market and the profit goes to Pic of
the park. The picnic and play area are for families who want to came pond
and have some thing to eat there, there are sandwidges at the shop.
The play area is very safe with no sharp edges or hard tarmak, there
is a football net for older children. There is also fantastic bird shows with
the star Edward the egal and on Saturdays there is a garderning
Pic of egal clud.Every thing in the park is free ecept the shop. Let me take this
chance to remind you to look after the park, there is litter bins all around
and please don’t damage the flowers.

Information in this leaflet is developed through the use of detail to interest the reader.The piece
is organised into three sections, although this is not supported by layout. A short introduction
establishes context and provides some explanation as to the park’s origins. The longer middle
section places emphasis on the park’s contents, as specific aspects are systematically presented.
Variety is created as points are elaborated in different ways; there is explanation of how parts of
the park are used by the community (local school), opportunities for participation (any one who
wants to help), and description of a relevant process (it gets sold). The development of points is
sustained, and indication of special events creates emphasis (the star Edward the egal). The
final section makes a direct appeal to the reader with a polite request and indication of how the
park should be treated. Although there are some weaknesses in presentation, the structure of the
piece and developed coverage of subject matter just merit 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
In several sentences subordinate clauses are used for specific reference (families who want to
came). Expanded phrases contribute a further level of detail (sharp edges, older children) and in
one case provide explanation (rescued ducks). There is some use of generalisation (came about,
several features) and elsewhere the selection of vocabulary allows precise expression
(volonteererss, sponsered, tarmak). Tense is varied appropriately as past tense is used to refer to
the making of the park (wanted) with present tense used consistently for current information
giving. A formal written style is used for the request (Let me take).
5 marks
294 | P a g e
Punctuation
Some of the sentences in this piece have been demarcated with capital letters and full stops.
However, at other sentence boundaries a comma has been used incorrectly in place of a full
stop. There are two examples of capitals used for the initial letters of proper nouns (Leeds,
Edward) and an omission apostrophe (don’t) but other punctuation within the sentence is not
evident.
4 marks
126. Level 4
Weyton Community Park
Weyton Community Group has just finished turning some unused land into a communal park for
everyone to enjoy.
Unpaid volenteers from Weyton Commity have just spent six months and one thousand pounds
to create a park fit for everyones needs. The inside and perimetre fencing were made from
recycled wood to save money and the environment.
The main features of the park are a vedgetable garden, buy your own patch of land and grow
anything you wish. (Contact Weyton Council for further information on buying land). A large
duckpond with over ten species of ducks, a picnic area - including five wooden picnic tables and
benches. Also there is an outdoor playground that goes unsupervised. Any child under the age
of eight must be supervised by a parent. (Weyton Council will take no responsibility to missing
or injured children.) Included in the childrens playground is a slide, swings, monkeybars, tyre
swing and a full-size football goal. Lastly, to the side entrance of the park a large grassed area
is situated.
The park was worked on for a while and it would be a shame if it was ruined before many
people had a chance to use it’s facilities. For conservation reasons please stick to these rules
when using Weyton Parks facilities.
1. Please put all lifter in the bins provided.

2. Clean up dog muck that belongs to your dog and dispose of it in the bins.
3. If you see or hear of anyone vandelizing the park, please report it to the police or Weyton
Council. It will be sorted out.
4. If you are fortunate enough to have bought a vedgetable patch, please keep to you own
and please do not ruin others.
By sticking to these four simple rules Weyton Community Park can be enjoyed for years to
come.
Come and visit Weyton Community park and enjoy a day outside. Facilities are free and
vedgetable patches are not expensive to buy.
295 | P a g e
This piece uses paragraphs to structure the information methodically into several sections, each
with a clear purpose. Initial explanation of the park’s history introduces the dual themes of
community and conservation that are sustained throughout the leaflet (Unpaid volenteers,
recycled wood). Development of detail in the following paragraph builds a picture of the range
of facilities in the park, and shows awareness of audience by reference to the choices offered
(grow anything you wish) and how the visitor may use the park (supervised by a parent). The
visitor’s role in looking after the park is the central focus of the next section; presentation of the
points in list format communicates the information clearly using a convention appropriate to the
text type. Explanation of the reasons for rules (it would be a shame) provides context which
supports the overall themes. The inviting tone of the final sentences brings the writing to a
suitable conclusion. Overall, effective structuring of the text and balance between explanation
and information leads to an award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
In one paragraph, generalising words and phrases are used to help the reader understand the
organisation of the text (The main features, Also, Lastly). In some places, expanded phrases
convey precise information with economy (five wooden picnic tables, missing or injured
children). Conditional structures in complex sentences express possibilities and alternatives (if it
was ruined) and there are attempts to control the tone of the requests (please report it) although
this style is not entirely consistent (It will be sorted out).
5 marks
Punctuation
Almost all sentences are accurately demarcated with capital letters and full stops. There is
evidence of commas used to separate clauses within a sentence and items in a list. Other
sentence punctuation includes capital letters for names, brackets and a dash. However, in one
word an apostrophe has been inserted incorrectly (it’s).
6 marks
127. Level 5
Weyton Community Park

The 12 acer unused wasteland on the outside of Weyton town was a vandalised area, used by
boustrous youths for motorbiking, rubbish dumping and fire burning. But this all changed when
Weyton community group decided to change it all. For six whole months they worked all day
and into the night, turning the area into a wonderful park. The land that was giving the town a
bad name now made everyone feel proud of living near it!
Information kiosk
Just as you enter the park gates you come to the useful information kiosk, where staff can
answer questions or give you any advice you need.
You can pick up this handy information leaflet and location map which is vital when visiting the
park, and only cost 50p which goes on planting seeds in the flowerbeds!
296 | P a g e
The Pond And Its Wildlife
The pond is located in the middle of the park and is very popular with the local people. With
ducks, geese, Bill and Bob the swans, a family of otters, and much more wildlife, the pond will
amuse you for hours.
Endangered Animals Have A Safe Home

Weyton Park is very special for endangered species. It has a large spacious enclosure, housing
over twenty different kinds of endangered birds from all around the country. You’ll be amazed at
how many you can find. We also have badger sets hidden all around the park, sorry but public
cannot disturb them or they will move away. This would be a great loss to the park.
Dog Walking Fields

Dogs can roam anywhere in these enclosed areas and can enjoy a good run in the long grass.
Please could all dog walkers use the provided poop-scoopers and bins.
Kids Club And Adventure Playground

Kids can enjoy visiting the friendly clubhouse and discover new activities which are fun and
educational. Trips are included to the vegetable patch, the Pond and endangered animals
enclosures. For 50p, children can have a snack. Trips last a morning, activities can last any
amount of time.
Vegetable Growing Area

This is a small field where adults and children experience growing their own food. They can
plant their seeds and watch them grow. Look after their vegetables and take them home when
they’ve grown. This involves coming back every two weeks to see how their vegies are growing!
Café, Toilets And Ice Cream Vans!

The café in the park serves tea, coffee and soft drinks. Scones and a range of different cakes
and light snacks at great prices. Toilets are situated at every entrance to the park and at the
pond. These are cleaned twice daily.
An Ice Cream Van is situated at the main gates.
Keep The Park Tidy

Please keep the park looking tidy and respectable, for you, and the animals. Bins are located
around the park.
Here are some comments from people who have visited the park.
"This is great, everything’s really interesting!" "I want to come here again and again!"
Mark Gifford (9) Becky Dobson (12)
Essex Stalby
"Everyone loved it!"

The Wright family
Holtwell
Other people really enjoyed it so why not come or come again. We hope to see you soon at
Weyton Community Park.
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Contributions of money are greatfully recieved at the information kiosk, for staff and gardeners
work voluntarily. Thank you, and have a nice time.
Dave Cooper (manager and producer of park)
Map of Park

The organisation of this well-written leaflet allows for thorough and engaging presentation of
information. The general heading Weyton Community Park introduces the opening section. A
combination of generalising sentences together with some inclusion of detail delivers a succinct
account of the park’s history. Suggestion of the writer’s attitudes adds impact to the contrast
between past and present (boustrous youths; all day and into the night). The seven sub-sections
each focus on a specific area of the park. Some sections make direct appeal to the reader (You
can pick up); others convey explanation more impersonally (This involves) whilst maintaining a
friendly tone. Management of detail draws attention to points of particular relevance to the
visitor, and acknowledges the range of the leaflet’s potential audience (dog walkers, adults and
children). A short section on looking after the park provides a device for moving from specific
comment to the general, and leads to a fitting conclusion which incorporates the reactions of
visitors. Overall, the sustained interweaving of information and comment supported by
paragraphing merits an award of 21 marks.
21 marks
Grammar
Style
Variety in sentence type and structure helps sustain interest through the piece. For example,
there are second and third person sentences and requests (Please could all). Passive sentences
are used to alter the focus of attention (are greatfully recieved). Precise selection of vocabulary
maintains an informative tone (vandalised, situated, Contributions). A range of subordination is
used to connect information within the sentence (when, where, which) and sometimes
contributes to the economy of expression (hidden all around the park). The spoken style of the
visitor comments (This is great) at the end provides effective contrast with the rest of the leaflet.
7 marks
Punctuation
There is evidence of commas used to separate phrases and clauses in complex sentences and
items in a list, but sometimes punctuation within the sentence has been missed (sorry but).
Capital letters have mainly been used for names and initial letters in subheadings. Apostrophes
are used correctly to indicate omission (You’ll) and brackets enclose additional information.
Sentence demarcation is accurate; however there is some overuse of exclamation marks.
6 marks
298 | P a g e
One sunday morning Alex and Liam were geting out of bed, at the Palace Hotle so they cach
their plane at Birmingham Internashnol Airpart to get back to spain.
When the taxi came they bouth put their lugde in the boot of the taxi and were taken to the
airpart. When they got in side, they waited until it was timeto go to the checkout Alex fargot his
pass port. Liam remembered his but he wanted to wait far Alex to go home to get his passpart.
When Alex aventerley got back he had his passpart with him. But they had missed their flight so
they talked until the next plane came.
When it was 3pm the last plane to spain had come. When they got to the check out they put
bouth of their bags an the elervater and got on the plane. Just befar tackoff every one was given
a sweet to suck, so their ears didn’t pop. The flight only took about 2 hours and when we got off,
their was our Mum Michelle and our Dad Keith waiting far us to go home

This is a simple chronological account which outlines the action but includes little character
development. There is some detail of the trip to the airport (put their lugde in the boot) but the
key event (Alex fargot his pass port) is briefly mentioned and there is only indirect suggestion
of how Liam might have felt about waiting (aventerley). As events transfer to a new setting
some details are mentioned (given a sweet to suck) and the description of the journey is brought
to a rapid conclusion as the characters arrive at their destination and narration switches to the
first person (when we got off). Overall, the narration of a series of connected events and the
introduction of characters leads to an award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
The connective When is used repetitively to move events on in time with occasional variation
(until, Just befar) and but is used twice to establish contrast. Much of the vocabulary is simple,
but some word choices are appropriate to the situation described (checkout, tackoff). The story is
mainly narrated in the past tense, and there is agreement between subjects and verbs.
4 marks
Punctuation
Many of the sentences in this piece have been correctly demarcated with capital letters and full
stops. Capital letters are also used accurately for names of people and places (Palace Hotle)
although this is not entirely consistent (spain). There is some evidence of commas but in most
cases the usage does not support sentence structure.
4 marks
299 | P a g e
129. Level 3
It was Tuesday 23rd August and the time was 10 o’clock am.
Today was a very special day, it was Joe’s birthday.He was 14 years old today. He had blonde
hair and green eyes. He was going to a restauraunt with his friends. Joe’s best friend was Alex.
they had been best friends since they were six years old. Alex was very forgetful. He’s so
forgetful that he has to write a list and sometimes he only needs some milk. The other friends
he was inviting were Jack, Robert, Amy and Kate. They were all at Joes house talking about
what things Joe had for his birthday. But of course, Alex wasn’t there, Guess why? Yes he had
forgot.
The others went round to Alex’s house to tell him to go to Fordwick with them. They got there
and Alex said Oh I forgot sorry. I’m going to take my cat for a walk oh I mean my dog.
It was getting closer to 8.00 now and they had just come back from Fordwick.
Kate said "I had better go round to Alex’s house to remind him about tonight" "Good idea"
replied Jack. When they were ready they went to the restauraunt.
They had booked a table at the Anchor. Everybody was there, even Alex.
They were at the table and they had had their desert.
At half past nine a cake was supposed to be brought out as a suprise for Joe. It was quarter
past nine so Amy whispered to Alex.
"What time did you order the cake for”.
"What cake" replied Alex
‘The cake for Joe’s birthday".
"Oops" screamed Alex
‘Let me guess" said Amy "You’ve forgot".
Alex ordered another cake and it came in at 10.00pm. Joe opened it and found out that it said.
Happy 12th birthday and not happy 14th birthday.
They all looked at Alex and guess what he said.
No he didn’t say I forgot he said sorry I thought he was 12.
‘Alex" said Jack
you are so forgetful.

A friend’s birthday dinner provides the setting for a character’s forgetfulness in this
straightforward narrative. Some relevant detail is included in the opening, but the sequencing of
statements shifts attention erratically between Joe and Alex, and the other friends involved are
simply listed. There are attempts to introduce humour through examples of Alex’s forgetful
behaviour, and his direct speech to his friends (oh I mean my dog). Although the restaurant
scene is only briefly established, there is some dialogue between Alex and Amy. However,
Joe’s reaction to events at the dinner are not made clear, and the story ends rather rapidly.
Nevertheless, the concluding address to the reader (guess what he said. No he didn’t say)
supports the coherence of the piece as it echoes the narrator’s previous remark (Guess why? Yes
he had forgot). Overall, events are organised into a beginning, middle and end, and the
presentation of some interaction between characters lead to an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
300 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
In places, connectives are used to express relationship in time (When) and explanation (so)
although other clauses and sentences are linked simply with and. Vocabulary is predominantly
simple (friends, milk, tonight) but some words create interest (desert, supposed) and there is
some variety in the description of direct speech (whispered, screamed). There is some
expansion, but it is repetitive (very special day, very forgetful).
4 marks
Punctuation
The majority of sentences are correctly demarcated with capital letters and full stops, although
not all questions are punctuated with question marks (What time did you order the cake for).
Inverted commas are used to show where most direct speech begins and ends. There is evidence
of commas used correctly to separate items in a list and some phrases and clauses within the
sentence. Initial capital letters are used consistently for proper nouns.
5 marks
130. Level 4
Alex, a very forgetful boy, had been picked to go on a school camp holiday.
When they got there it was late at night and Mrs Evans had told them that Mr Richards was to
be staging a tormoment the next day. Alex, Tim, Stephen and Adam allways went around in a
group, and hoped they would be on the same team.
After a good night’s sleep, they all got up very early and had bacon toasties for breakfast. When
they had finished, they out onto the field were Mr Richards was waiting.
"Right," roard Mr Richards, over all the exciting chatter. "Today we will be having a little
competition. I will split you up into 3 groups of 4 and give you your tasks. Right, first team
captain .... Alex. Second..... Dan and third.... George."
Alex was so happy, he had Steve, Adam and Tim on his team. Alex looked at the paper he had
been given. It said, YOUR TASK IS TOGET THE GOLDEN EGG BY THE RIVER. When you
have read this destroy it. Alex set up a little fire and burnt the paper.
After a while, Adam said, "So what is the task then Al?"
Alex replied, "Eer....... Ooops."
"Oh Alex you idiot, don’t tell me you’ve forgoten?"
"I think I have", replied Alex.
"Right," said Adam, "sit down and have a good long think".
So they all sat down, but Alex just couldn’t remember.
Then they heard a cold voice saying, "Ha, forgotten the task have you?"
They turned round, it was Dan and George followed by their team members.
"Shove off," bellowed Alex.
301 | P a g e
"Ooh we are narky today," chortled George. "Come on then, Dan. Eh I’ll race you to the river
were the egg is."
"Ar yeah", replied Dan with a proud voice.
And off they ran.
"Hey lads," screamed Alex, "It’s just come to me, we have to get the egg from by the river."
"Nice one man," roared Tim with excitement.
So they set off to the river to get the egg.
"I know a shortcut," said Steve. "You go through them bushes.
"So off they went, taking Steve’s advice. Then they got to the river. There it was the gleaming
golden egg.
"We’ve got there before them," said Alex. So he grabbed the egg and ran back to camp.
"Well done Lad’s," shouted Mr Richards. "You can have a gold medal each for that."
And after that there was no doubt about it, Alex was a hero!

The development of events in this piece allows the forgetful character to turn a difficult
situation to his advantage. Opening narration establishes situation and main characters, and the
reader is prepared for later events by the inclusion of detail that becomes relevant as the story
progresses (Alex’s forgetfulness, the school camp tournament). Interest is maintained as the
day’s activity is introduced through the teacher’s spoken announcements (I will split you up)
and close observation of Alex’s actions. A sense of urgency is conveyed as relationships
between the boys are indicated through interaction - first between Alex and his friend and then
with Alex’s rivals (“Ha, forgotten the task have you?”). Events are moved on through dialogue
as George’s inadvertent clue provides the turning point leading to the success of Alex and his
team. Although the boys’ reactions to their unexpected triumph are not given, the story is
brought to a suitable conclusion by the teacher’s spoken congratulation. The logical
organisation of events and meaningful dialogue between characters leads to an award of 15
marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Complex sentences are used throughout the narration, for example to support the sequence of
events (When they got there, After a good night’s sleep), express possibility (hoped they would
be) and connect information economically (paper he had been given). Vocabulary in the
characters’ dialogue suggests an appropriately colloquial style (Ooh we are narky) and
well-chosen words and phrases are used to describe the manner of speech (a cold voice,
bellowed, chortled). Tense is suitably varied between past tense for narrated events and present
tense for direct speech.
5 marks
302 | P a g e
Punctuation
Capital letters are almost always used consistently within the sentence for proper nouns, and
sentence demarcation is accurate. Dialogue is correctly punctuated with commas and speech
marks. Other punctuation includes commas to support complex sentences (Alex, a very forgetful
boy,), ellipsis, question marks and an exclamation mark. In many places apostrophes are used
appropriately to signal omission, although there is one example of incorrect use (Lad’s).
6 marks
131. Level 5
Alex jumed up in a cold sweat! "Just a nightmare, about a forgetful character!" he mumbled to
himself. He dreamed about forgetting to turn up at his best friend Jim’s wedding, when he was
to be best man! He fixed the covers and went back to sleep, with a grunt.
"Alex! Alex! Get up! It’s my wedding day!" Jim’s words buzzed in Alex’s ears like an alarm clock.
He yawned and lazily glanced at his real alarm clock. It was 8 in the morning! The wedding was
at 10! He slumped out of bed and woke himself up with a splash of ice cold water!
They were behind schedule by the time they got to the car. Fields and country cottages flashed
by.
Alex’s head thumped from the stag night the previous evening! Typical man!
“We all know how forgetful you are.......” began Jim.
"But I’ve got everything! Just relax mate!" laughed Alex, still half asleep.
Finally! They arrived at the small country chapel just in time! Jim ran like a mad-man, but Alex
just strolled through the pretty chapel garden.
"Hurry up! Come on!" snapped Jim.
"Just chill man! We’ll get there!" sighed Alex. He was always cool as a water lily! No - cooler!
Water lilies aren’t as cool or as relaxed as Alex!
The organ played it’s soft tune. "For better or for worse!" Jim smiled.
"You may now exchange rings as a sign of this holy matrony," said the vicar in his melencholly
voice.
‘Psst! hissed Jim. Alex smirked fumaging for the two wedding rings in his suit pocket.
The light faded from Carly’s (Jim’s bride’s) twinkling blue eyes. The smile dropped from Jim’s
face. Alex was no longer without a care in the world, like a water lily! He was sweating like a pig!
He shook like a leaf and his heart thumped like 10 tons of lead! His pocket was empty!
Emma, the bridsemaid, let out a great sleepy yawn. Everyone stared at her. How could she
remain calm when the atmosphere was so tense and heavy? How could she remain calm when
everyone else was stunned into silence?
She stood up. Her eyes glinted wickedly. She let out a long laugh!
"Hey! You are stupid!" people stared at her mouths open, quite dumfounded!
“I almost FORGOT to mention! I picked up the ring from Alex’s place last night because I knew
he would forget!"
"But how?" Alex gasped.
"Well, you’re so forgetful, that you left the door wide open when you went to spend the night at
Jim’s house!"
303 | P a g e
The tense atmosphere broke. People laughed and clapped! Emma calmly handed Jim and
Carly the rings.
"Emma you’re an angel. Alex you’re a forgetful character!" laughed Jim. Smiles broke out once
again!
Two years later Jim and Carly have a lovely little boy called - ALEX! I wonder if he shall be
forgetful too?

A well-chosen topic and detached style of narration allow for the comic development of adult
characters in this engaging tale. Description of Alex’s behaviour as he wakes conveys his
lackadaisical attitude. The groom’s sense of urgency quickens pace and introduces the rapidly
unfolding situation (Get up! It’s my wedding day!). Contrast and relationship between the two
men is developed both through their dialogue and the description of action (Jim ran like a
mad-man, but Alex just strolled). Detailed observation of how the characters react (The light
faded, The smile dropped) builds tension and focuses attention on Alex’s change of mood. The
introduction of a new character prepares for the resolution and allows the reader to share the
surprise as the bridesmaid’s previous actions are dramatically revealed. The narrator’s amused
tone, evident throughout the piece, leads to a suitably light-hearted concluding remark as the
story finishes with a question (I wonder if he shall be forgetful too?). The development of
relationship between characters and the controlled management of a complex plot, supported by
paragraphing, justifies an award of 21 marks.
21 marks
Grammar
Style
Imaginative vocabulary choices add a layer of detail to the description of movement (glanced,
slumped, fumaging), and the selection of words in expanded phrases conveys setting and
atmosphere precisely (small country chapel, melencholly voice). A variety of speech styles helps
to differentiate between characters: Jim communicates in short commands (Hurry up!), Alex
uses relaxed, casual language (Just chill man!) and the vicar’s address is formal (You may now
... ). Figurative language is used for effect (like an alarm clock, cool as a water lily) although in
one paragraph there is some overuse. Among the longer, complex sentences, simple statements
are used in places to vary the pace (His pocket was empty).
6 marks
Punctuation
With very few exceptions, sentences are demarcated accurately with capital letters and full
stops, question marks or exclamation marks. Speech marks and commas are used to present
dialogue correctly in almost all instances. Apostrophes are used to signal omission (I’ve) and
possession (Carly’s) although there is one inaccuracy (it’s).
6 marks
304 | P a g e
Where Sam arrived he did not know. he couldnt think strat because of the tallking flowers. They
wher yellow with blue stems. Same asked them "where am I?" They replide "how would we now
we cant move!” “Sorry.” muted sam. Sam wonded around hearing the od, "get of my butifle
face." Then he found him self on top of a car that had crashed into him, he was flaying. he
thought but he wasn’t, the car was and it was talking to him. Sam panded "wher am I?"
"Youre in my mouth" the car chucled "and how shuld I now my eys are not on in the day and at
night a cant see!" "ow" sam said and carid on walking. next he came to a place wher the hole
city was inflatabul. and people wal ked with long ear’s and had no legs and ther eys wher on
ther fingers! Then he asked "wher am I?" no reply they coudnt spicke. Then the book grew legs
and walked of Sam followd it. it led bak to the talking flowers and jamped in to a vortex, thet led
him bak to earth. He hit his head and lost his momory, so the book wated for its nex victom to
take to the year 100,000000. his next victom will be you wit owt a doute!!!

This story recounts a series of encounters in a fantasy land. There is an attempt to create interest
in the opening event through description (yellow with blue stems) and Sam’s direct spoken
exchange with the inhospitable flowers introduces humour. Some indication of character is
evident but this is limited to Sam’s repeated confusion and the car’s consequent amusement.
There is some reference to other unusual sights (hole city was inflatabul) and although this gives
rise to one further interaction between Sam and the strange environment the situation is not
developed (no reply they coudnt spicke). The introduction of the book, though not prepared for,
provides a means of bringing the events to conclusion as it quickly leads back to reality (Sam
followd it). In the final sentence the simple narration switches attention away from Sam rather
abruptly and finishes with a direct address to the reader (will be you wit owt a doute!!!). The
presentation of a sequence of events and some interaction between characters justifies an award
of 9 marks.
9 marks
305 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
In some places events are moved on simply (Then, next) but elsewhere connectives provide
explanation (because, so). Some vocabulary is basic (flowers, car, legs); however some
variation is evident in the description of speech (muted, chucled) and narration of events (vortex,
momory, victom). The inclusion of repetition for effect in character speech ("where am I?",
"how would we now" / "how shuld I now") suggests the use of a written style.
4 marks
Punctuation
Sentences at the start of the piece are demarcated with capital letters and full stops but as the
writing continues there are many sentences without an initial capital letter. Commas are used
but they are not usually placed appropriately within the sentence. Question marks are used to
punctuate questions and inverted commas demarcate direct speech.
-2 marks
133. Level 3
Sam had a look round in the place that he had travelled to, he walked round looking for clues.
He notices an old teddy on the floor, he said to himself this is mine, some children walked
through the door e know it’s yours we are your great, great, great grandchildren."
"How did you know I would be here"?
"Because we sent for you, we put that book there."
"Why" said Sam.
"We wanted to see you."
Sam went down the stairs with the children.
"Are names are Harry and Kylie."
"Would you like a drink asked Kylie. "Yes please" sam answered.
"Vanilla cream or strawberry slush" said kylie.
"Vanilla cream please" answered Sam After that Harry and Kylie showed Sam around the
house, in the town. "Would you like to go on the fair Sam"?
"Please, after all I’m sill only fourteen."
306 | P a g e
They went on the Big wheel, pepsi max, The Big one, Rollacoster Tycoon 2 and The Sky High.
"That was the best fair I have ever been to" gasped Sam. Sam, Harry and Kylie all went back to
the house.
Sam cooked a roast dinner up for them to eat.
After that Kylie said "Shall we get a movie from the vidio shop."
"Yes of course we can, I’ll go and get one, now.
They watched The fantam.
"I think it is time for me to back to past" said Sam.
"No don’t go sam" shouted Kylie.
"I have to" sobbed Sam.
"Bye, we will never forget you, sam".
With that Sam disapeared back to the past.
Fifty years on and sams great, great, great grandchildren were born.
Sam came up with suggestion for names, Harry and Kylie.
“Here they can have my teddy” said Sam.

A futuristic encounter forms the basis of this story. In the opening, interest is created through
the main character’s reactions as he tries to understand the situation (he said to himself this is
mine). A spoken exchange between Sam and his descendants offers further explanation.
However, as the dialogue continues it becomes everyday and the impact of the unusual
relationships between the three characters is considerably weakened until Sam’s final reply
(after all I’m sill only fourteen). A change of setting moves the story on, although the fairground
rides are simply listed and the rest of the day’s events are described with little detail or
comment. Nevertheless, the characters’ emotional reactions to Sam’s return to the past are
presented through dialogue and the conclusion includes a time shift and reference to the story
opening (they can have my teddy). The organisation of events into basic story structure and
attempts to develop character through dialogue lead to an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
Much of the vocabulary in the piece is simple (door, went, house) although in places there is
expansion (strawberry slush, roast dinner, vidio shop). There are some attempts to describe the
ways in which characters react (gasped, sobbed) and dialogue includes some variety of sentence
structure including different types of question (How did you know; Would you like). A
connective is used for explanation (Because) and there is an example of story-telling language
towards the end of the piece (With that).
4 marks
Punctuation
Capital letters and full stops demarcate most sentences although some boundaries at the start are
incorrectly punctuated with commas. Question marks are used at the end of two questions, and
inverted commas mark the beginning and end of direct speech in most cases. There is evidence
of commas used correctly to separate items in lists.
5 marks
307 | P a g e
Sam found he was sitting on a grass bank. There was huge sighn saying Sunny Vale this way
hea steep hill. He clamberd over hill and saw a city.
The Sun was beating down on the river which lead to Sunny Vale. Sam walked over the
cobbled stared at all the buildings. There were big ones, small ones, tat ones and thin ones, but
the one the he was most interested in was the round one in the middle of the city.
He saw an infomation desk and went to ask where he was.
"Excuse me sir’ said Sam
"what do you want’ the main said grufly
"Where am I" Sam said weiruly
"Sunny Vale and cos your new you go and see the King, there’s a good lad"
Sam ran of to the tall building and knocked on the circle door. It opened Sam went in relutently.
The floor was marble the walls had bright pink carpet on it. Talk about mixture! A old man
comes out and snatches the book from him. The man had died his head blond and his beard
black, his eyes were a deep blue so blue they might have been black. He was wearing a fluffy
pink dressing gown and panda slippers.
"Kneel befor the King" a slave said and pussed him down. Sam almost cracked up laghthing, he
looked like a nutter not a King but he thought better of it.
“This one will be a great servent” the King ordered The gards chucked him in a damp dark room
with two other figures. Sam stared all round the room for a way to get out. Then it clicked the
bars on the window were sound proff and there was an old mirror he got the mirror and put it in
the soundproof bars and an alarm din’t go off.
He got out safly and so did the other two figure who are called MR and MRS taylor. There was a
pile of rubbish and on top of that was his book.
Sam said he wanted to go home so he turned the pages to the year 2001 and found himself in
his bedroom safe and sound. He said to himself Sunny Vale isn’t that Sunny..... is it?
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In this well-organised piece, the main character’s time travel provides a starting point for a
chain of events in a folktale-like setting. The beginning of the story establishes the setting.
Detail (The Sun was beating down, cobbled bridge) creates interest and sets up the expectation
that Sunny Vale will be as attractive as the name suggests. A move from the general to the
specific prepares for Sam’s encounter at the information desk, and the hostile responses (what
do you want) contrast with the previous scene and quicken the pace. Sam’s instruction to
present himself to the king transfers the action to a new setting. The vivid description of the
king’s humorous appearance (panda slippers) in combination with the brutal ceremony ("Kneel
befor the King") adds significance to Sam’s mixed reaction (almost cracked up laghthing;
thought better of it). The final scene of imprisonment is briefly dealt with but allows some
development of character as it shows Sam’s resourcefulness which leads to his escape. The
story ends suitably with Sam’s restoration to the present. Variety in pace, and the development
of the main events through description and direct speech justify an award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Some words to describe movement have been well chosen (clamberd, pussed him down,
chucked). In places, expanded phrases provide a further layer of descriptive detail (bright pink
carpet, damp dark room). Adverbs are used to support characterisation (grufly, weiruly,
relutently) and there is an example of repetition used for effect (big ones, small ones ... ). With
one exception, the past tense narration is consistently sustained, and complex sentences are used
to express information with economy (who are called).
5 marks
Punctuation
Many of the sentences in the piece are demarcated with capital letters and full stops, although in
one section of text the ends of several sentences remain unpunctuated. Inverted commas are
used to signal direct speech. There is one example of a question mark used correctly, and in one
sentence commas separate clauses and phrases. An exclamation mark and ellipsis are used
appropriately.
4 marks
135. Level 4
He looked around, he had no idea where he was, then almost at once he saw a black cab pull
up by the road and a young girl – around the age of six – stepped out. She was wearing a long
black dress and she had a hat perched on the top of her head.
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Sam looked at her eyes, they were a lovely light blue. He thought the girl looked familiar but
thought better not for him to ask for her name, for he was quite a bit than her.
He saw a man selling flowers on the other side of the road so he crossed over and had a look at
them to see if there were any that his mother might fancy, for Sam’s dad never dreamed of
buying her some flowers once in a while.
For a moment Sam thought that the man behind the stall was looking at him, but he was wrong.
The girl who had got out of the cab was standing right behind Sam. Sam spun around and
looked at the girl for a while. As he was just thinking to him “That looks just like my mother” a
man walking a dog called out “Sarah". Almost at once the girl shot off in that direction.
Sam thought nothing about the girl and turned around to carry on looking at the flowers. There
right in front of him was his bezzie mate Callum. "Alright Sam". "How did you get here then?"
asked Callum. Sam told Callum all about the book that Callum gave him read and as soon as
he opened up the cover he got sucked up inside and ended up here. Callum told Sam that the
same thing had happened to him because he had a copy of the same book at home. Sam told
Callum all about the girl that came out of the cab and about how much she looked like his
mother, as they were walking along the road to get an ice cream. Callum asked Sam weather
there was anything else about the girl that reminded him of his mother, and then Sam
remembered that the girl had the same name as his mother. They decieded to go and see
weather they could catch up with the girl and see if they would be able to ask her some
questions. They walked past a park and there she was! The girl was standing right outside the
entrance of the park. The two boys scampered up to her and asked for her full name. She
replyed "Sarah Webster’. The two boys couldn’t believe it.
They now knew that standing right in front of them was Sam’s Mum as a little girl. They asked
her where she was going but didn’t mention at all that Sam was her future Son. She told them
both that she was being sent away to France because her parents had enough of her. Sam
couldn’t believe it. As soon as the girl said that she needed to leave because she would miss
her journey Sam and Callum told her to show them where her parents lived. In the end she told
them and they all went to see them. When her parents opened the door Sarah ran behind the
side of the house. It took a very long time but after about 20 minutes they had explained to
Sarah’s Parents that loads of people would love to have a daughter of their own and there they
were just giving theirs away. Sam and Callum knew that the parents had made the right
decission to keep Sarah living with them. Sam was so pleased when at last he got home and
his mum and her parents were talking to each other at long last.

The controlled management of time creates a framework for the story. The arrival of the girl in
the opening paragraphs is related from Sam’s point of view, combining visual description with
his own personal reaction to events (He thought the girl looked familiar). Sam’s unfolding
realisation that the girl is his mother is revealed through his actions (choosing flowers for his
mother) and thoughts. A shift in focus (his bezzie mate Callum) is used as a device to explain to
the reader how the characters were transported to the past. There is a slight loss of pace as Sam
tells Callum about the girl, but the plot moves on as the boys confront Sarah and react to her
words (The two boys couldn’t believe it). The brisker pace is maintained in the final paragraph
as the setting moves to Sarah’s house. Reported interaction between the boys and Sarah’s
parents takes the story towards a positive resolution. A time shift to the present brings the
narrative to conclusion and emphasises the consequences of Sam’s achievement (talking to each
other at long last). Although the piece relies heavily on narrative explanation, the development
of character and structuring of a complex series of events merit the award of 18 marks.
18 marks
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Grammar
Style
Throughout the story, a range of sentence connectives is used to link ideas within the sentence
(so, but, because, weather, if). The use of time phrases supports the variation of pace (For a
moment, Almost at once, As soon as). Expanded phrases give precise reference (a man selling
flowers, The girl who had got out of the cab) and some vocabulary provides visual description
(perched, spun around). Pronouns are used with accuracy to connect reference through the
piece.
5 marks
Punctuation
Direct speech is punctuated correctly with speech marks. In some complex sentences, commas
have been used to show divisions between clauses. Other punctuation includes the appropriate
use of dashes (– around the age of six –), apostrophes for omission (couldn’t) and possession
(Sam’s) and an exclamation mark for emphasis. Sentence demarcation is almost always correct,
and capital letters are used correctly for names, although there is occasional misuse (Son,
Parents).
6 marks
136. Below level 6
Guess Who?
This person is a Jamaican woman. She is safe and soft but disobey her and her voice cracks
like a whip and she sends swarms of sharp stinging words to stop you. Her hair is thick like the
roots of a mango tree and just as wild. Her skin is black as Black River towns namesake but far
cleaner. Her eyes are flickering fires when she is angry and pools of warm hot chocolate when
she is happy. She wears colours of the rainbow and is as tall as an amazon with as just a
frightening call. (hoome-Worrrk!) Her laugh is as loud as a waterfall and her smile as long as the
Nile. She is a truely incredible person with hidden talents bursting into bloom like tulips. If she is
tired she sways like a palm tree in the wind and I tuck her into bed and watch over the amazing
creature that is of course my mother.
Commentary
Beginning with the title (Guess Who?) this piece uses the conventions of a guessing game as a
device to structure the text, with the ‘answer’ (that is of course my mother) providing a
conclusion to the writing. A series of images combines to build a dynamic and
multi-dimensional picture of the mother, and the appeal to a range of senses contributes to the
impression of liveliness and movement. The theme of contrasting emotions introduced in the
second sentence is developed in the description of eyes (flickering fires; pools of warm hot
chocolate). However, some impact is lost as the images become less imaginative and the
patterning repetitious (loud as a waterfall; long as the Nile). In places the complexity of the
narrator’s attitude towards the mother is subtly conveyed through behaviour (tuck her into bed)
and suggested by humour (frightening call. (hoome-Worrrk!)) but elsewhere opinion is
communicated more simply (truely incredible person), leading to some unevenness of tone.
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Much of the vocabulary is uncomplicated, although there are some well-chosen alliterative
phrases (swarms of sharp stinging words) and verbs to imply movement (bursting, sways).
There are, however, lapses in consistency of style when more informal words and phrases are
used and in one place an ambitious attempt at an image leads to confusion (as black as Black
River towns namesake).
The chosen form means that the majority of sentences are simple, leading to a lack of variety
and a tendency to list similes. There is some use of more complex sentences at the end of the
piece.
Spelling is accurate apart from truely, although words are mainly simple. Sentence punctuation
is correct, but there is a missing possessive apostrophe in towns – the only place where one is
necessary – and no use of commas, which were needed in the last sentence with the parenthesis
of course.
This piece shows some features of level 6 in its overall shape and the effective use of
descriptive techniques. However, the chosen style is not sustained throughout, sentence
structure is not varied effectively, and the range of both vocabulary and punctuation is limited.
These weaknesses prevent the piece reaching level 6.
Marks
Composition 3
Presentation 1
137. Below level 6
‘Good luck Theseus. I’ll be waiting for you.’ I kissed him goodbye and as soon as he plunged
into the depths of the maze I felt like I had been standing staring at the door for an eternity, with
only a piece of string and the eerie sounds of the night for company. I felt almost as tense as
Theseus must have been. My heart pounding, my ears throbbing. I tugged at the string for
comfort and in return the string tugged back. As the moon clouded over the night turned pitch
black. I could see nothing, but for Theseus it must have been terrifying. He probably couldn’t
see a thing at all. Another roar. I felt like crying out for Theseus. I tried but my mouth was too
dry and nothing came out.
Again I had to tug the string. Nothing. I tugged again still nothing. But then as I tugged again for
what must have been the 100th time there came back a series of tugs which seemed to tell me
that he was alright and that I shouldn’t worry. But I was not convinced and my heart began to
race again. Anxiety swelled through my body till I could take it no longer.
“Theseus." I cried to the night.
“Theseus, o, Theseus. Please come back."
My cries were eaten by the thin night air. I was now gasping for breath and tugging like a mad
woman. I thought I saw him at the door. I grabbed him but his skin felt cold and he seemed to
be almost flat. I drew back in horror and it was not after all Theseus but just the marble door
through which he had disappeared.
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Commentary
This piece focuses clearly on Ariadne’s perspective, and there is an attempt to create
atmosphere and indicate her fear and isolation through setting (the eerie sounds of the night; As
the moon clouded over) although this is largely restricted to the first paragraph. There is some
effective use of figurative language (eaten by the thin night air). A more ambitious attempt to
develop a hallucinatory image in the final paragraph is less successful because of its rather
clumsy expression (he seemed to be almost flat).
Initial references to the string successfully emphasise the relationship between the two
characters (I tugged at the string for comfort) although the device is over-used. The use of tug,
in particular, becomes increasingly repetitive as the piece continues.
A variety of sentence types is used, with evidence of varying sentence length for effect in the
use of one or two word sentences – for example Another roar. in the first paragraph, and
Nothing. in the second. Complex constructions are handled competently (through which).
Spelling is accurate, although the piece has few examples of complex words. Sentence
punctuation is correct. There are some examples of correct use of commas, apostrophes and
speech marks, but there are also some errors, particularly in the use of commas.
Despite the competent completion of the task requirements, some difficulties with pace and
development combined with some technical inaccuracies place this piece at just below level 6.
Marks
Composition 4
Presentation 2
138. Level 6
As I unravelled the silken rope it comforted me to know that Theseus was connected to me
somehow. But as his footsteps grew further away the grove seemed to swirl around, whispering
taunts at me. The dark shadowy entrance to the labyrinth was reaching out at me with gnarled,
withered, ebony hands. Above my head a large crow swooped across the sky hawking at me
mockingly. It settled on a clump of scrawny bushes, or was it a hunched body?, and fluffed out
its magnificent black wings. The crow’s gleaming yellow eyes stared at me in a smug manner. In
my mind the crow seemed to be teasing me, with its sunken eyes and croaking throat.
‘He’s going to be ripped apart by the Minotaur and it will be all your fault.....’
‘No!’ I cried clutching onto the door of the labyrinth for support.
‘No! You’ve got it all wrong, it wasn’t my fault!’ I wailed.
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‘Yes, yes it was.’ the crow chanted sneering. It seemed that the whole grove were chanting,
‘Yes, yes it was.’ until I fell to the ground with a thump. Startled, the crow leapt off it’s perch and
glided into the dark night. The echoes of the chant faded and all I could hear was my own heavy
sobs resounding through the grove. As my cries died down I heard another noise. It was the
roar of the minotaur. The roar began in a low rumble and built itself up into a mighty howl of
rage. My face twisted in horror as I realised the danger Theseus was in. My heart was in my
mouth as I waited for that terrible scream of pain and anguish from Theseus. But none came.
My palms were sweaty and my heart was beating faster than ever before. Then, suddenly there
did come a scream, but not from Theseus. It was the sound of an animal, in great pain. My
spirits lifted. Could it be, could it be? After a few minutes I began to hear Theseus’ footsteps.
And suddenly there he was! His sword dripped with blood and he was scratched and bruised
but he was alive and had defeated the Minotaur! All my anxieties and tensions were realeased
as I embraced him.
‘My Theseus, oh Theseus, you’re alive!’ I was happier that I had ever been before in my life.
Commentary
This piece makes good use of description of details of Ariadne’s surroundings to create a
dream-like, ghostly atmosphere which conveys her feelings of fear and guilt and builds up
suspense. The opening immediately establishes atmosphere (the grove seemed to swirl around)
and draws on references to the reading text. There is effective use of personification of both the
grove and the crow, which in Ariadne’s imagination are blaming her for sending Theseus into
danger. Description of the minotaur’s roar adds to the suspense (a low rumble ... a mighty howl
of rage). However, Ariadne’s wait for the next sound becomes repetitive, and the portrayal of
her feelings does not sustain the style of the first paragraph, relying instead on more
conventional description (My heart was in my mouth; My palms were sweaty).
A range of vocabulary contributes to the effects achieved. This is evident particularly in the
description of the crow (swooped across the sky hawking at me; a clump of scrawny bushes;
sunken eyes and croaking throat). However, there are examples of less well-chosen vocabulary,
such as the word smug which does not convey the same sense of menace, or Ariadne’s fall with
a thump.
There is confident use of a variety of sentence types in this piece, including short sentences used
for effect, such as But none came. and longer, more complex sentences which contribute to the
flow of the narrative. Spelling is accurate, including less common words (unravelled, gnarled,
anguish). The only spelling error is realeased. Punctuation is mainly accurate, with examples of
correct use of commas, speech punctuation, question marks and exclamation marks, although
there are also some errors. Paragraphing is not entirely secure - a paragraph break at As my cries
died down ... would have been appropriate.
This piece has a logical structure, uses dream-like details and personification to convey
Ariadne’s feelings, has examples of appropriate choice of vocabulary and sentence type to
achieve an effect, and the presentation is mainly accurate. Although not sustained throughout
the piece, there is sufficient evidence of these aspects to place this piece just into level 6.
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Marks
Composition 5
Presentation 3
139. Level 6
She was doing her homework with a look of concentration that could be seen on the face of a
scientist while they conducted a vital experiment. When she was working, the world became
more oblivious to her than it usually was, because she would regret it if she only gave ninety
nine percent.
Her pen was moving at the speed of a hummingbird’s wings, but it never hovered. Her hair clip
was failing to keep her fringe back, and it swept over her face like a dark silk curtain. With one
hand still writing, the other tamed the fringe, she was growing it out and it didn’t look neat, like
she usually was.
From her first day there, I thought she was a neat-freak. Shoes perfectly laced like a
prima-ballerina’s slippers, socks evenly turned over, so that just enough of the maroon trim was
showing. Perfectly hemmed skirt, nothing in her pockets apart from a handkerchief – she could
have been a porcelain doll – but she had the mind of an evil genius, a mind always whirring and
ticking, thinking of getting tens out of tens or one hundred percents.
As I looked at the black-haired, shiny head bobbing up and down next to me, I thought: If only
this walking calculator knew that she had a rival, and if only she knew that she had got number
three B wrong!
I thought that I wouldn’t tell her, after all what’s a little friendly rivalry, but I wish I had known, ‘a
little friendly rivalry’ with Jane Clark was like walking into a cave with a ravenous grizzly bear.
Commentary
This piece has controlled management of voice which effectively conveys the writer’s attitude
to the person described. The description of the girl’s neatness initially suggests the writer’s
admiration for the subject, but hints at an obsession with precision (Shoes perfectly laced; just
enough of the maroon trim; Perfectly hemmed skirt). Several references to numbers add to the
impression of over-perfectionism (she would regret ... ninety nine percent; tens out of tens or
one hundred percents; walking calculator). This double-edged attitude is developed through
contrasts which hint at the less positive view which emerges as it becomes clear that the subject
and the writer are rivals (she could have been a porcelain doll – but she had the mind of an evil
genius). The final comparison to a ravenous grizzly bear completes the negative picture.
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Although there is some confusion in the long sentences of the first paragraph, there are several
examples of varied sentence types used to good effect. Mature control of complex sentence
construction is evident in some descriptive sentences (Perfectly hemmed skirt ... one hundred
percents).
Apart from a misuse of oblivious in the first paragraph, vocabulary is well chosen. Spelling is
correct, including some complex words (ravenous; oblivious; concentration). Punctuation is
mainly accurate, with examples of correct use of commas, dashes and a colon, although there
are some examples of errors in complex punctuation – for example, the capital letter after the
colon in the fourth paragraph, and some confusion in the final sentence.
The confidence with which this piece uses aspects of the girl’s appearance and activities to build
up a picture of her character, the varied sentence structure and the accuracy of spelling and
punctuation place this piece at level 6, despite some weaknesses of sentence construction and
vocabulary use in the opening paragraph.
Marks
Composition 6
Presentation 4
140. Level 6
‘Why, oh why did I let him go in there?’ I thought as I heard another monsterous roar and just for
reassurance I gave the silk a gentle tug. A tug pulled back, my heart nearly burst. I put my foot
into the labyrinth and quickly drew it out again when I saw a shadow strolling through the gloom.
I had often watched this deadly game of cat and mouse but only through the bars of the main
gate never actually staring into it with no bars.
Another inhuman scream shattered through the abyss, nearly knocking me off my feet. Fear
clasped at my throat like an iron hand choking my breath out in short, sharp gasps. The thread
felt like a wire cutting into my palm. A bloodred moon shone down on me throwing a few rays
into the tunnel. Flashes of bones, stairs and uncountable tunnels gleamed out of the gloom
catching the moon’s rays. I heard a sword swipe and a scream as the blade cut through the air.
"Poor, poor Theseus". Tears fell from my eyes and landed with a drip on the stone cold floor.
Another sword swipe, another tear and another gentle pull on the thread.
Suddenly a roar blasted through the tunnels to my ears. I held my breath. A soft thud and
another and another, like footsteps, clonked through the black. SWIPE! a blast of rage
screamed from the minotaur and then silence. Someone was coming towards me but I couldn’t
make out who it was. The thread was coiling around itself, and I knew who it was. "I love you!" I
gasped as Theseus ran towards me.
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Commentary
This piece succeeds in concisely and confidently creating an atmosphere of fear and suspense.
The first two paragraphs use details of what Ariadne can see and hear to effectively suggest her
feelings. Phrases such as a shadow strolling through the gloom and shattered through the abyss
are well chosen, and the section in the second paragraph which begins A bloodred moon ...
shows an assured ability to use vocabulary choice and variation of sentence structure to describe
both the events in the labyrinth and Ariadne’s reactions. There is some inclusion of literary
devices such as alliteration (gleamed out of the gloom) and the use of rhythmic phrasing (landed
with a drip on the stone cold floor). The final sentence of the second paragraph, which contains
three parallel phrases and no finite verb, conveys the speed with which events are happening,
and concludes the waiting period before the resolution of the conflict.
The control of the style is not totally sustained in the final paragraph where the phrase clonked
through the black creates unevenness and the ending of the battle in the next sentence is
presented abruptly. However there are attempts to sustain the suspense since Ariadne is not sure
who is coming towards her, and the final image of the thread coiling around itself is an effective
conclusion.
There is secure control of paragraphing in this piece, and spelling is accurate, apart from
monsterous. Sentence punctuation is accurate, and there are examples of correct use of commas,
speech punctuation, question marks and exclamation marks.
The confident vocabulary choice, the effective variation of sentence type, the concise
well-organised structure, and the accurate presentation place this piece as a good level 6. The
style is not totally sustained to the end and there are some examples of errors in more complex
punctuation, which mean that the piece remains within level 6.
Marks
Composition 7
Presentation 4
141. Above level 6
The woman sauntered in, an air of self-satisfaction sitting smugly upon her carefully manicured
face and mingled in with the atmosphere of scent that wafted round after her person, like a dog
following its master.
The first thing, perhaps, that one would notice about her was her hair. It was as straight as a
needle and had a shine like the bonnet of a new sports car. It swung in a perfectly flat line as
she walked.
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Her eyes were the colour of chocolate – the elegant, dark sort served up with coffee at parties.
And above them rose two finely plucked brows arching high onto her forehead.
Her lips were the colour of the deepest crimson and looked, in a way, dangerous and tempting.
She sat down, taking great care to cross her legs so that one could slip casually out of the slit in
her close fitting black dress. Her eyes slithered across the room like a cat looking for prey.
When nothing seemed to interest her she fell to inspecting her nails – and what nails!
They were as claws. But red.
Commentary
This piece presents a confidently written description of an elegant sophisticated woman in
which every detail adds to the visual picture and suggests the writer’s attitude.
The piece has two layers of imagery which are sustained throughout. One is developed through
a series of images which compares aspects of her appearance to various expensive objects (like
the bonnet of a new sports car; the colour of chocolate - the elegant, dark sort served... at
parties) along with details such as her finely plucked eyebrows and close fitting black dress. The
effect gives an impression of expensive elegance.
Alongside this is another strand of imagery which compares her to a cat, with implications of
aloofness and danger. This is specifically introduced in the penultimate paragraph (Her eyes
slithered across the room). However, there are hints of her cat-like nature earlier, in an air of
self-satisfaction sitting smugly upon her carefully manicured face ... and dangerous and
tempting ... The two aspects of the woman – the danger and the sophistication – come together
in the final paragraph, where two short sentences are used to good effect.
The piece shows excellent use throughout of varied sentence structure to achieve an effect on
the reader, a confident ability to select and organise the content, and an assured use of
appropriate vocabulary. These qualities, along with the accuracy of the spelling and
punctuation, place it at above level 6.
Marks
Composition 8
Presentation 5
142. A report
Just below level 3
The Pack-it-in-bag works very well with the stile. But the only thing you could change is the stile
and make it more bigger and what it looks like.
you could change the way the Pockets are, so you can fit your Pencil case, and other things in.
Thank you for letting us test your new “Pack-it-in-bag” and “good luck”, with the new
improvements.
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P.S.
one more thing. It is strong, enough to carry the things that you need and the material, is
suitable.
And good luck in the coming year.

In this brief report, the writer presents a series of comments about the Pack-it-in-Bag. The
opening sentences serve as a short introduction, offering appropriately general observations,
although th views on the bag’s stile are contradictory and appear confused. There is an attempt
to continue with more detailed evaluation (you could change the way the Pockets are) and the
inclusion of a reason (so you can fit your Pencil case) supports the purpose of the report.
However, development is limited to comments on only one feature, and the report moves on
rather abruptly to conclude, repetitively, with expressions of thanks and encouragement. The
writer’s use of a postscript (P.S.) leads to the addition of a further observation about the bag;
however the information is undeveloped and the introduction of a letter writing convention at
the end is not consistent with the organisation of the piece as a whole. Overall, the simple
structure and basic awareness of purpose justify the award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
The vocabulary is predominantly simple; general words and phrases are used repetitively
(thing/things; new) and the writer relies heavily on the wording in the prompt for more specific
terms (material, suitable). Although some sentences include complex constructions (the things
that you need), other statements are coordinated simply by and and are incomplete (and make it
more bigger and what it looks like). The level of formality suggested by the writing is
inconsistent, ranging from the relatively formal second person address (you could change) to the
more casual, phrasal structures in the postscript (one more thing; And good luck in the coming
year).
2 marks
Punctuation
Many sentences are demarcated accurately using capital letters and full stops, although capital
letters are also used inappropriately for nouns within the sentence (Pockets, Pencil). Some
commas have been inserted, but they do not support the internal organisation of the sentences.
The postscript (P.S.) has been punctuated correctly.
4 marks
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143. A report
Level 3
Report on the Pack, in, it, Bag

I have tested the Pack, in, it, Bag for one month, and have reached the following conclusions.
A good part about it, is that it is unbreakable, so I can fit all my school stuff in it. However, the
buckle that holds the flap down became stuck so I couldn’t put my stuff in and go to school that
day. The small, mini holders inside the bag were too small and could only carry pens, pencils,
ruller and eraser so that was sort of a sucsess. Another thing is, it isn’t water profe, and when
we went on a feild-trip to the zoo, I was spayed by an elephant and had soggy sandwitches, so
that was a complete mess. The size and weight was fine and I can carry it around anywhere
because of its mass. The good thing about the zip is it never gets jammed or rusted, even when
wet! Inside the bag, it isn’t stainless, so at the moment I have sticky warm sweets stuck and
made stains inside the bag. The Pack, it, in, Bag is made out off suitable materials witch makes
it easy to carry, plus I like the idea of making some cotton inside it to make it nice and fresh.
You need some expanstion on the buckle to make it tighter or softer for more stuff or for fewer
stuff, and it’s the same with the straps, you un-tighten it for younger children and loosen it for
older children (or adults).

This report gives consideration to a range of the Pack-it-in-Bag’s features, and the writer’s
opinions of the product are given. The piece uses the suggested sentence from the prompt as a
short introduction to a series of more detailed comments. Observations include consideration of
the bag’s general qualities such as overall strength and weight, as well as references to specific
features
(The good thing about the zip is…). Some points are developed to include explanations,
although in one place this results in an excessive level of detail (I was spayed by an elephant
and had soggy sandwitches). The discussion of many features and suggestions for improvement
contributes to a sense of coverage; however, the overall impact is weakened as opinions on
similar themes are not consistently grouped together (for example, comments on the buckle
appear near the beginning and the end of the piece). Although the report ends without an
attempt at a general conclusion, the range of evaluative comments including some explanation,
and clear sense of audience, lead to an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
320 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
The writer makes use of a variety of sentence types to support the report’s purpose: there are
first person sentences to present the writer’s attitude and experiences (I can carry; I like); a
second person sentence to draw attention to what the company needs to know (You need some
expanstion) and third person clauses which focus on individual aspects of the bag (The small,
mini holders). In places, the use of interesting adjectives introduces a further level of detail to
the descriptions of the bag (sticky warm). Connectives are sometimes used to incorporate
explanation within the sentence (so, because).
4 marks
Punctuation
The majority of sentences are accurately demarcated with full stops and capital letters. In one
place, an exclamation mark is used correctly for emphasis. Within the sentence, there is some
evidence that the writer is using the comma accurately to separate phrases and clauses within
long, complex constructions (...never gets jammed or rusted, even…) although there is also
incorrect use. Other accurate punctuation includes apostrophes to signal omission (isn’t) and
brackets.
5 marks
144. A report
Level 4
Report on the Pack-it-in-Bag!

I have tested the ‘pack-it-in Bag! for one month and I personal have reached the following
conclusions. Firstly, I shall talk about things that work well. The material was a good choice for
these resons: It was water proof, hard to scrach and quite strong. The bag itself was O.K all
together because it had expandable straps, a good amount of space and of course the material
which I have explaned all ready. Secondly, I shall note you on some of the things that could be
improved. The material has its good sides and bad sides, its bad sides are: The material is not
that strong because it can’t hold so much weight, next you could make your bag glow in the
dark for children that walk home alone.
The bad sides of the whole bag are, the clip what shuts the bag is not long enough to close
only, if you have a lot of things in there, and mabye the bag is a bit to big for some and to small
for others so you could make the bag in different sizes eg: S = small, M = medium, L = large, XL
= extra large and so on.
So if I had to come to a conclution, I’d say it was a very desent bag for school. I think your bag
would be great, but with a little improvment* and if it comes on the market I’ll buy it. I hope my
report is some use to you.
(*) it would become better,
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This piece is clearly organised into sections which support its purpose as an evaluative report,
and provide overall shape to the writing. The main division of points into positive comments
and suggested improvements allows the writer to present the ideas in a logical way. Although
the introduction of each section appears formulaic, (Firstly, I shall…; Secondly, I shall…) and is
not entirely sustained (The bad sides…), these statements of intent nevertheless indicate an
attempt to guide the reader through the report. The second section is more developed than the
first, and includes specific suggestions for the company (you could make the bag in different
sizes).
However, some points are introduced briefly but not elaborated, resulting in rather abrupt
changes in pace. The writer brings the report to a suitable end point by summarising and
presenting an overall impression (I’d say it was a very desent bag for school ). Although the
presentation of arguments is not completely balanced or developed, the logical organisation of
the piece and consistent awareness of audience just merit the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Connectives are used to develop explanations (because it had expandable straps) and express
the conditional (if you have a lot of things). Although expansion is used in places to give
qualification (quite strong, a little improvment), much of the vocabulary is simple and presents
generalised contrasts rather than precise reference (good sides / bad sides; to big / to small).
Some sentences link ideas together using subordination (children that walk home alone) but
other attempts at complex constructions are less effective (I shall note you on some of the
things).
4 marks
Punctuation
Sentence boundaries are almost always accurately established with the use of full stops and
capital letters. Some commas have been placed correctly within the sentence, for example, to
separate introductory words (Firstly,…) and words and phrases in a list (water proof, hard to
scrach).
Apostrophes are used correctly to indicate omission (can’t) and there is some use of the colon to
preface a series of related statements.
5 marks
322 | P a g e
145. A report
Level 4
Report on the Pack-it-in-Bag

I have tested the Pack-it-in-Bag for one month, and have reached the following conclusions.
I like the bag because it can fit all my books in as well as my lunch box and my P.E kit. Also on
the outside it has little compartments so you can put all your pens and pencils in. This means
you don’t have to hunt through your bag just to find one pen.
The bag also looks stylish as it comes in an assortment of colours, it doesn’t just come as a
plain black school bag.
On the other hand the bag isn’t waterproof so all my books and the bag got very wet, as well as
that the bag can’t be put in the washing machine or tumble dryer so it took ages to dry.
Furthermore, as I am only small the straps on the bag are only one size and are too big for me.
For this reason the bag sliped on to my elbows and I needed to keep pulling it up.
I think if the bag was going to become more popular it would need to be in a more suitable
material (e.g. one that was waterproof) and you would also need to make the straps so the size
of them could be increased or decreased to fit different people.
In general I would give the bag seven out of ten marks which is reasonablly good. I hope you
will consider my ideas and maybe i’ll see the Pack-it-in-Bag in the shops soon.

In this logically organised report, the writer presents a balanced and well thought out account of
the Pack-it-in-Bag’s effectiveness. In the series of positive points which follow the introduction,
opinions are backed up with evidence given with the appropriate level of detail (all my books in
as well as my lunch box). Although the writer only singles out two features for improvement
(waterproofing and strap size), both points are convincingly developed.
Sensible connections are made between the tester’s personal experience (the straps on the
bag…are too big for me) and the suggestions to the company, which take the needs of other
possible users into account (you would also need to make the straps so the size of them would be
increased or decreased to fit different people). The conclusion of the report, though brief, stands
back from the detail, summarises the tester’s overall impressions and addresses the audience
directly. Overall, the balanced and developed presentation of ideas within a suitable
organisational framework justifies the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
The use of specific vocabulary adds a level of interest and precision to the writer’s comments on
the bag (little compartments; assortment of colours; sliped on to my elbows). In places,
impersonal constructions sustain the formal level of address which has been adopted (This
means; For this reason). Complex sentences with connectives are frequently used to extend
ideas (because, so).
5 marks
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Punctuation
There is evidence of the correct placement of a comma within the sentence (Furthermore,),
although in other places commas are used where other punctuation would be more appropriate
(an assortment of colours, it doesn’t just come as a plain). Full stops are used accurately for
abbreviation in one instance (e.g.); however, this is not entirely consistent (P.E). Other correct
punctuation includes the omission apostrophe (isn’t) and brackets. Sentence demarcation is
almost always accurate.
5 marks
146. A report
High level 5
Introduction: I have used the Pack-it-in-Bag for a week now, in place of my normal school bag.
This report will tell you my opinions on how the bag stood up to the test. I will also make some
suggestions that you might consider.
General points. The pack-it-in-bag works quite well as it is strong and comfortable. It is also
waterproof and can hold all my necessary school items for each day. However, there are some
ways in which the bag could be improved.
Detailed points. I noticed as soon as I got the bag that the zips on the front pockets move from
outside to in. This is not very practical as the zips look as if they are closed but are actually
open. Quite a few times now I have walked home and found the insides of these pockets
completely saturated. May I suggest you turn the zips on these pockets around or use a
different fastener.
The pen slots inside the bag need to be adjusted as my pens keep falling through. This is
because the pen slots do not have a bottom. Most of my class including me have pens without
clips to clip them to the sides and so the slots are being neglected.
The top flap and fastener on the bag are fine except in bad weather, the clip fastener leaves
gaps for rain to get in. I suggest a tie faster as well or instead of a clip.
Side pockets on a bag are an extremely good idea for note pads, dinner money, e.t.c. but again
they must be fastened. A button would do this job brilliantly.
My last point is on the colour of the pack-it-in-bag, the black is fine but the white just gets dirty at
every muddy puddle!
Conclusion. Overall I think the pack-it-in-bag is quite successful and will be much better when
the fastenings and colour have been adjusted.
I hope my suggestions are of use.
324 | P a g e
In this well structured report, subheadings are used effectively to make the organisation of
information clear for the intended reader. The introduction succinctly establishes the context
and prepares the reader for what is to come. The main sections of the report are divided into two
levels of comment; General points and Detailed points. In the general section, the writer’s
overall impressions are summarised, whereas the following, longer section includes developed
comment on specific parts of the bag, such as the zips and the top flap. Evaluative remarks are
consistently linked to evidence (my pens keep falling through), and extended by reasoned
explanation. Reference to other potential users adds weight to the writer’s argument (Most of my
class including me have pens without clips) and the inclusion of carefully considered
suggestions (I suggest a tie faster) rounds off some of the individual points. The conclusion of
the report allows the writer to move from the specific to the general and end with a final
comment. Overall, the detailed development of evaluative points, organised into methodical,
balanced arguments within an appropriate framework, leads to the award of 21 marks.
21 marks
Grammar
Style
The writer adopts a polite, formal tone which is sustained by the use of constructions containing
modal verbs (you might consider, May I suggest). The use of passive constructions in the main
section of the report supports this impersonal approach (they must be fastened).
Some carefully selected words are included (saturated, neglected), and the individual features of
the bag are given specific terms of reference (pen slots, Side pockets).
6 marks
Punctuation
With almost no exceptions, sentences are accurately demarcated with full stops and capital
letters. In one instance, an exclamation mark is used for emphasis in place of a full stop.
Within some sentences, commas are placed appropriately to separate phrases and clauses.
6 marks
147. A playscript
Just below level 3
Scene from a play

Sarah: owno.
Ben: What.
Sarah: It’s gone.
Ben: What’s gone.
Sarah: The coin It’s gone.
Ben: Is it in your pocket.
Sarah: no It’s not.
Ben: owno
Sarah: What Shall we do
Ben: I don’t now
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Claire: Hello. what is the matter
Sarah: I have Lost my Dad’s old coin and we can’t Find it
Ben: She Lost it
Sarah: Shut up
Claire: OK Stop Fighting you two
Sarah: Claire would you Like two help us
Claire: yes i would
Sarah: have you found it
Claire: found it
Ben: good that you have Found it
Sarah: thank you for helping
Claire: thats OK
Sarah: we better get home. I will see you tommorrow
Claire: OK. by.

This short piece presents the loss and recovery of the coin through simple exchanges in dialogue
form. Basic playscript conventions have been observed, and utterances from each character are
appropriately introduced with the speaker’s name at the beginning of a new line.
Although stage directions are not included, there are some limited attempts to indicate the
children’s feelings towards each other through what they say (Ben: She Lost it / Sarah: Shut up).
The introduction of a third character who helps to search for the coin allows the situation to be
explained to the reader (Sarah: I have Lost my Dad’s old coin and we can’t Find it) and in one
place leads to brief comment on the action (Claire: OK Stop Fighting you two). However, there
is no further development and events move rapidly to resolution with little indication of how the
coin was found. Overall, the communication of a simple event through the speech of the
characters leads to an award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
The writer relies heavily on vocabulary from the prompt, and uses simple words and phrases,
often with repetition (gone, found it). Sentence structures include questions as well as
statements, but they do not usually produce developed responses from the other characters (Ben:
Is it in your pocket. / Sarah: no It’s not). The use of connectives is limited (and).
2 marks
326 | P a g e
Punctuation
There is some evidence of the use of full stops to end sentences and phrases spoken by the
characters. Capital letters are sometimes used at the start of sentences and phrases, but they also
appear incorrectly at the start of words within the sentence (Find, Like). The script conventions
as modelled in the prompt appear with consistency, and some apostrophes are correctly placed
(can’t); however, other punctuation is missing or inaccurate (question marks).
2 marks
148. A playscript
Level 3
(feeling shakey and scared inside)

Ben: What about dad’s coin
Sarah: Iv’e lost it. I’v’e lost dad’s coin
Ben: (Shouting angrily at Sarah)
What do you mean you v’e lost it
Sarah: (Shouting at ben)

I mean what I Said Iv’e – Lost – dad’s - coin now which part of that didn’t you
understand.
Ben: (Shouting again at Sarah) Don’t talk to me in that attatude girl. (After ben
says that he clicks he’s finger in the air.) Because you need to go home and
tell dad what you did.
Sarah: (being in a mood) Why, I never lost the coin, you did.
Ben: (shouting and be sarcastic) Whoa whoa whoa ho what do you mean I lost
the coin.
Who did dad the coin to?. Who does he al ways send to the shops and who
is his favourite child?
Sarah: (sighs) Me!
Ben: (Sarcasticly) and why is this dear sister?

Sarah: (Sighs again) Because I’m the eldest.
Ben: (Happily) That’s right. I’m glad I got that out of my sistume.
(Sarcasticly)
Sarah: Don’t you thing we should do anything about.
Ben: Yes we should we’ll start Searching for it now.
Sarah: But what about the Simpsons
Ben: Oh forget about the Simpsons dad’s coins more Important.
(They Searh for it for 2 hours)
Ben: I can see something shining over by that rock Sarah!

(They run to it.)
Sarah: Is it the coin?
Ben: Yes it is.
(Ben picks it up and takes it to the antique shop).
Sarah: We should be getting back home now dad might be worried.
(They arrive home at 4.30pm
Dad: Where’ve you two been.
Sarah: It’s a long long story. Dad
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Dad: Well why don’t you tell me about it then.
(They tell there dad about it)
Dad: I’m not going to shout at you but, I’m never going to trust
you with anything else again.
Ben: but Why dad.
Dad: because you might end up loosing whatever I give you.
Ben and Sarah: OK dad.
Dad: It’s been a long day so go on you two go on to bed. School tomorrow
Ben and Sarah: OK dad, good night.

In this playscript, the writer narrates the story of the lost coin and begins to suggest relationships
between characters. The opening conversation establishes the problem, and also attempts to
explore the children’s reactions as they seek to blame each other (Why, I never lost the coin, you
did.). Stage directions support the development of character by revealing information about
manner of speech ((sighs) Me!), feelings ((being in a mood)) and action (he clicks he’s finger in
the air). However, the impact of this opening is weakened by the abrupt change of pace which
follows. The brief, undeveloped treatment of the search for and recovery of the coin results in
key events appearing incidental (Sarah: Is it the coin? / Ben: Yes it is) and reveals little about
how the characters’ feelings change. Events are drawn to an appropriate conclusion by a change
of setting and the introduction of a third character (Dad), but the ending is not completely
satisfying for the reader as it leaves important questions unanswered.
Despite some difficulties with pace and consistency, the use of connected dialogue and stage
directions, and attempts to develop character through the sequence of events, merits an award of
12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
Phrases characteristic of spoken language are used appropriately in the dialogue to suggest the
children’s conversational exchanges (Don’t talk to me in that attatude girl), although these
become less varied as the episode progresses. There is a variety of short, exclamatory words and
phrases, and longer, more developed sentences including some connectives (because, but).
Descriptive words and phrases are evident in the stage directions, but these are used rather
repetitively (Shouting, Sarcasticly).
4 marks
Punctuation
Full stops and capital letters are used in most places to demarcate sentences and spoken phrases.
The playscript conventions for showing speech are consistently followed, and brackets are used
for stage directions. In many places, question marks are used correctly, and commas are
occasionally used to separate words and phrases within the sentence. There is some correct use
of apostrophes (I’m) but there is also incorrect use (you v’e; Iv’e).
4 marks
328 | P a g e
149. A playscript
Level 4
Sarah: (nervously) The coin … dad’s coin.

Ben: (anxiously) What about the coin?
Sarah: (worried, tears coming from the corner of her eyes)
Dads coin, I…I think I’ve lost it, but I’m not sure, s, so don’t tell any one,
promise.
Ben: (surprisingly) you’ve lost it, you’ve actually lost it!
Sarah: (looking around, her face red and angry) Its got to be here somewhere, its
got to be.
Ben: *What are we going to do? it will take ages to find.

(*desperate)
Sarah: (panicing herself) Don’t panic we’ll find it, Im sure.
Sarah and Ben look around, scared.
Ben: Can we stop now my eyes are starting to sting?
Sarah: No! keep looking.
Dad rises on to the sceen ruffling his feet along the ground.
Dad: *Hi Kids.
(*happily)
Ben: (scared) H… Hi Dad.
Dad notices something is wrong and has a dreadful thought.
Dad: (quiring about his dreadful thought) Whats wrong kids.
Ben: (frightened, shouts) Its not my fault! Its hers! Its hers!
Sarah doesn’t hear them so she carries on looking for the coin.
Dad: Whats Sarahs fault?
Ben: (quivering) S… She’s lost the c… c… coin.
Dad: What!
Sarah hears and turns around in shock.

Sarah: H… Hi there dad.
Dad: (angry) Theres no time to say hello get surching!
(*)(Fed up) (*)Ok! Ok, what ever you say dad.
Ben and Sarah:
all look around for ages.
Ben: (worn out) Please can we stop dad, please!
Dad: We certainally cannot! Keep looking!
after a long time Sarah finds the coin under a big pile of leaves.
Sarah: (realived) I’ve found it, I really have found it.
Ben: (glad) Whey, we can stop now!
Dad: (Beginning to be pleased) Well done Sarah, Well done.
Sarah gives the coin to dad, who takes it to the antique shop.
Sarah and Ben: (begging) Can we come? please dad please.
Dad: Ok.
Get to shop, and find coin not valuable, dad upset and disappointed.
Stays in shop all day, wondering how much would have been.
329 | P a g e
In this well organised playscript, the eventual finding of the coin is well prepared for by the
preceding sequence of events. As the scene opens, the initial discussion between Sarah and Ben
conveys the children’s anxiety, primarily through the use of stage directions (worried, tears
coming from the corner of her eyes). The writer also uses this episode to suggest the contrast
between Ben’s lack of enthusiasm (Can we stop now) and Sarah’s determination to remain
optimistic (Sarah: (panicing herself) Don’t panic we’ll find it, Im sure.). The introduction of a
third character, Dad, during the searching, increases the tension and adds pace as events move
towards the moment of the coin’s recovery. The consistency of characterisation is evident in the
reactions to the find: Sarah’s relief and Ben’s pleasure that the search is at its end (Ben: (glad)
Whey, we can stop now!) sustains the contrasts established earlier. Although the scene ends in
note form, the controlled management of events building towards a climax, and the consistent
development of differences between characters within the conventions of a playscript fully
justify an award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
The writer uses repetition of words and phrases to create convincing speech-like effects such as
hesitation and emphasis in the dialogue (I…I think I’ve lost it; you’ve lost it, you’ve actually lost
it!). Sentence structures are appropriately varied, and include questions and commands (keep
looking, get surching!) as well as statements. Complex constructions are used to develop
explanations, particularly in the stage directions (Sarah doesn’t hear them so she carries on
looking). Precise vocabulary helps to communicate the characters’ physical actions and states of
mind (quivering, begging).
5 marks
Punctuation
Within a sentence, commas are used frequently and with accuracy to separate phrases and
clauses (I’ve found it, I really have found it). Other punctuation is used with general consistency
including the capitalisation of proper nouns (Dad, Sarah), apostrophes for omission (doesn’t),
ellipsis to suggest hesitation (c…c…coin) and brackets for stage directions.
Sentences are accurately demarcated using initial capital letters, full stops and exclamation
marks for emphasis.
6 marks
330 | P a g e
150. A playscript
Level 5
A Scene from a Play.

Ben: (Shakily) what about it?
Sarah: (Stuttering) It’s .........It’s g-g-gone!
Ben: OH! ha ha, nice joke Sarah! now where’s the coin?
(Sara shuffling her feet and chewing her bottom lip)
Sarah: I don’t know, we must have lost it in the park.
Ben: WE?? (Shouting) you more like, it was in your pocket!
Sarah: (trembling) I know, (Sniff)
(Ben chucks his bike on the ground)
Ben: well let’s go look for it then.
(Ben and Sarah walk into the park)
Scene 6. Back in the park
Sarah: I can not see it any where

(sarah hunting about in the grass)
(Ben looking over the tops of bushes)
Ben: Well neither can I!
Sarah: (shrieking) look! look! there it is that baby has it!
Ben: great lets get it!
(Sarah and Ben run over to the pram)
Ben: er ....... can I have that coin? ........ please!
Sarah: Hi there (in a sweet tone) could I have a look at that?
Baby: No! my coin! me keep! Keep baby coin….. no bad bad coin!
(Baby chucks coin into the sandpit)
(Ben and Sarah watch coin sail threw the air)
Ben: oh no!
Sarah: Oh no! Oh no
(Sarah runs over to the Sand pit only to see a dog there with a coin in his mouth)
Sarah: Ben, come here!

(Ben walks over)
Ben: What is it?
Sarah: look (pointing to the dogs mouth)
Ben: (shouting) get him! Its our only chance!
(the dog run’s off with coin and Ben and Sarah chasing after him)
(Dog stop’s infront of a juggler)
Juggler: Ah my good little Patch! What have you got there?
(He picks up the coin and starts to juggle)
Sarah: Erm could we have our coin back please?
Juggler: Sure!
(He chucks it at them, but it misses it lands on an old ladies hat)
(Ben runs over to the old lady)
Ben: excuse me are coin is on your hat!
lady: Oh! so it is! here you go! (She hands him the coin)
Sarah: thanks!
Ben: Yeah! now we can go home.
(they both walk out of the park.
331 | P a g e
The unwitting journey of the coin from one unsuspecting character to another provides the basis
for a humorous chain of events. The writer begins by establishing, through dialogue, Sarah and
Ben’s antagonistic relationship. The rapid exchanges convey the urgency of the situation, as
Ben’s initial disbelief (OH! Ha, ha, nice joke Sarah!) gives way to sudden action as the scene
switches to the park. The movement of the coin from the baby to the dog, the juggler and
finally, the old lady, builds suspense and allows the plot to gather pace towards a resolution.
Events move on largely through the children’s reaction to the unfolding consequences (Sarah:
look (pointing to the dogs mouth) / Ben: (shouting) get him!), encouraging the reader to share in
the frustration of the situation. Amusement is created by the minor characters’ apparent
ignorance of the coin’s significance, indicated through the interaction and stage directions
(Sarah: Erm could we have our coin back please? / Juggler: Sure! (He chucks it at them).
Overall, the integration of dialogue and stage directions and the control of a fast-moving plot
lead to the award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
The conversational tone adopted in this piece is achieved through the use of casual phrases and
the inclusion of spoken features (well, er…). There is some differentiation of characters through
speech style, most notably in the representation of young children’s language in the character of
Baby (No! my coin! me keep!). Some vocabulary has been carefully selected to indicate manner
of speech (Stuttering, shrieking) and quality of movement (Shakily, chucks).
5 marks
Punctuation
Full stops, capital letters and other punctuation (question marks, exclamation marks) are used
with accuracy to demarcate nearly all sentences. Within sentences, commas are used
appropriately to separate clauses. Ellipsis and dashes are used in places to suggest hesitation in
speech (…It’s g-g-gone!). Other punctuation features appropriate to the layout of a playscript
(colon, brackets) are used consistently.
6 marks
332 | P a g e
151. Three wishes
Just below level 3
The boys called Paul who is 22 years old and Sam who is 21 years old and the smallest one is
Al who is 18 years old.
They were going to their holiday for 2 weeks.
They kissed their mumy and said, “good bye! They were going in a sea side so they went. But
I’m afraid they took a wrong tern and they did not know were they were going so Sam said, “go
to that jungle. it is free. So they went and they saw lots of animals. Then Paul said, “to Sam
we’re is the food I’m hungry Sam said, “I left it at the car so they went back to go to the car but
their was something wrong they could not find the car. They got lost. They stayed in the jungle
for 3 weeks. They were starving. The thing that they ate was grass sundenly they just walked on
and on and Al saw a destert and Al shouted look! look! a destert so they went to the destert and
still they were starving and they stayed there in the destert for 1 week. Then Paul saw a Jeeny
so they rubbed the Jeeny and a wish master came out and the wish master said, “your wish is
my carmarnd so they eash had one wish and Paul said, “Oh I want to go home I going to diy
here, so he went Sam said, “Me too I’m going to diy here to so he went home. Al said, “oh I
alone Know I want my freinds back so his freinds came back. The wish master just vanchet in to
the air. Mum and dad got worried about were can the boys be so they called the police. Sam
took his red shirt of and waved it around and then a helicopter came and saw the boys and
tooked them to their homes. Mum and dad were very happy and Al said, “never go on a holiday
without your parents around so they never ever went to their holidays.

This simple series of events tells the story of three friends, whose holiday turns into an
unexpected adventure. In the opening sentences there is a brief attempt to introduce the
characters and indicate the initial situation (They were going to their holiday…). However,
events move on at a pace and there is only limited suggestion of what the places were like or
how the characters felt about their difficulties. There is some spoken interaction (we’re is the
food I’m hungry) but few differences emerge between the characters of Paul, Sam and Al. The
arrival of a traditional character, the wish master, adds interest; but the event does not contribute
towards the eventual resolution of the story. Overall, the inclusion of the basic elements of story
structure, with little development of character or setting, merits the award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
Many sentences and clauses are linked together simply with the connective and. Where more
developed structures are used, they occur repetitively (who is). The vocabulary used is
predominantly general rather than precise (animals, food, car). Some use of language
conventions from traditional tales is apparent in some characters’ speech (“your wish is my
carmarnd; “oh I alone Know), but this is not consistent.
2 marks
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Punctuation
The writer has demarcated over half the sentences correctly using full stops and capital letters.
In several places, a comma followed by speech marks is used accurately at the beginning of
direct speech (Sam said, “I left it at the car…) but not at the end. Exclamation marks are
occasionally used for emphasis.
4 marks
152. Three wishes

Level 3
There were two children called Sally and Trevor they live in the country with there mother and
father. sally and trevor went to a river and next to there house and Sally said to trevor that one
day she would find a stone and it would give her lots of wishes. And trevor just said “that if you
do you will just wish for jelly”. “No I wount” said sally. “I will wish for mom and dad to go away
and never come back again. “oh! shut up” said Trevor it is nearly 5oclok mom will wander were
we are. “I supose we had better get home” said sally in a mood. When they got home there
mom had got fish far tea folowd by jelly when they had finshed they went up to there room and
disided wat they were going to do to moro. then they went to sleep and so did there mum and
dad they had said they were going to get up realy early and go to the river and thay did they
went and took of there sock’s and shoes and step in they could nat wate to see wat they could
find sally went up the stream and trevor went with her then all of a sudden they heard a voise
and it said you shall have three wishes but use them with caire so they were looking to see
were the voice came from.
Then Sally saw a stair shaped stone With carved riting on and then the same thing hapened a
gain the vicce said you will have three wishes. sally said for her first wish mom and dad should
go to Inidya for ever and then could I have to houses made of jelly then she could nat tlink what
to do for her last wish so she kep it and then they went home.
When they walked in there mom and dad had gon away and trevor said were are mom and dad
Sally said they have gon away. So they went upstairs and Sally found 2 houses made from jelly
so they ate them for tea and went to bed and hoped that there mom and dad would come home
the next day so they woke up at six oclok and Sally went down stairs and trevor looked in there
room but there mom and dad were now were to be seen so they wished that every think that
they had wished for would go dack to normal So they had some breckfast and went out to play
with there frends Sara and donna so they told Sara and donna wat had happend and gat invited
to stay at there house over night and to go for lunch and tea but they said that they did nat want
to stay in case there mom and dad came home so they went and had tea and went to sleep but
there wish had nat come true so they wished a gain but still no luk there mom and dad were still
away and it was sally’s birthday tomrow so they went out side and through the stone away and
just hopet that there wish was going to come true and it did so the mom game home but there
dad did nat so the next day he had and the were all in time fore sallys birthday,
334 | P a g e
The discovery of a stone with special powers by a girl and her brother provides the theme for
this story. The opening paragraph briefly establishes the rural setting, and initial interaction
between Sally and Trevor introduces the wish that becomes significant later on (“I will wish for
mom and dad to go away and never come back again. “oh! shut up” said Trevor). Contrast is
set up between the two main characters and humour is suggested by Trevor’s mention of jelly,
which follows through in later references. However, as the story unfolds, the narration becomes
overly involved in minor details, leading to a considerable weakening of pace. Nevertheless, the
moment when the children find the stone is prepared for with suspense (they heard a voise) and
presented with some impact through detail (a stair shaped stone With carved riting on). The
characters’ reaction to their parents’ disappearance is not fully explained, although events
eventually move to an appropriate resolution. Despite the difficulties with pace, the presence of
the main features of story structure and the inclusion of the stone as a traditional story
convention lead to an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
There is some evidence of the use of a range of connectives (When, but, if) although elsewhere
there is a reliance on then and and to connect ideas. Some storytelling vocabulary is used, both
in the narration (all of a sudden) and in the speech of the stone (you shall have three wishes).
In places, expansion is used for emphasis (realy early). Tenses are generally consistent, and
possibility is expressed through the conditional (would find a stone, should go to Inidya).
4 marks
Punctuation
Although some sentence boundaries are demarcated, most are ignored, leaving long sequences
unpunctuated. Some direct speech at the start of the story is punctuated correctly, but in later
dialogue there are no speech marks to help the reader. In some sentences, initial capital letters
are used for names; however, this is not consistent.
2 marks
153. Three wishes

Level 4
Once upon a time there lived two brother and sister called Ruth and Tim. They were orphans.
They lived in there Auntie’s house. They both enjoyed it there. One morning Ruth woke up and
went down stairs her brother was fast asleep. She went down stairs and sat down and watched
cartoons. All of a sudden a Lamp fell in to her hands she gave a whispered cry.
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She was thinking “oh no, what am I going to do now” she said. She rubbed it gently and a genie
came just like that. The genie said “Im at your command you have three wishes” he said “I
would like a bicycle and a dress please” “Ting there you go. “You have got one more wish” said
genie “Ill save it for later.” The genie asked her if he could take her brother away in return
“ofcorse you can have him I’m not bothered about him” “Yes said the genie. The next day she
thought in her bedroom about getting her last wish. She thought and thought until something
came into her mind “Yes yes a gameboy”. She went in to Tims room to tell Tim. Ruth said “Tim
Tim I’m getting a gameboy, Tim are you there” There was no reply she looked under the bed.
She looked in shock he was’n’t ther at all. She thought the genie was just jokeing about having
her brother but now she knew he was serious. There was only one thing for it. She got mad and
went to the lamp and rubbed it and said “my third wish is this “I WANT MY BROTHER! He said
“OK” and she got her brother. The genie went inside and never came out.
The next day she went to an antiques shop and gave it away and had some money to her self.
she said to her brother “we will spend this money only on ourselvs and not give anyone a
penny” so both sister and brother never listened to anybody and lived happily ever after.

The traditional character in this story plays a key role in developing the plot: rather than
passively granting wishes, the genie demands something in return. Once the domestic setting is
established, detail draws attention to Ruth’s reaction when the genie arrives (whispered cry).
However, there is little visual description of the genie’s appearance or movement to support the
significance of the scene. Spoken interaction with the genie contrasts Ruth’s interest in her
wishes and her dismissive attitude to her brother (“ofcorse you can have him). The reader is
encouraged to experience what happens from Ruth’s point of view (She looked in shock),
although this level of comment and detail is underdeveloped towards the end of the piece as
events and settings move on rather rapidly. Ruth’s sacrifice of her final wish in order to rescue
her brother leads to a suitable resolution. Overall, the organisation of events and the attempt to
develop the role of a traditional character place the piece securely within the criteria for 12
marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
Storytelling language is used at the start and end of this piece (Once upon a time there lived)
although it is not evident elsewhere. In places, there are attempts to use precise vocabulary to
suggest manner (gently) and repetition is used for emphasis (thought and thought). Phrases at
the start of sentences are used to move the story on in time (One morning, All of a sudden,
The next day) and connectives other than and are sometimes used to link ideas together (if,
but). A range of pronouns is used for reference, but in one place an incorrect pronoun leads to
uncertainty as to the speaker (he said “I would like).
4 marks
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Punctuation
Many sentences are accurately demarcated using full stops and capital letters. The writer uses
initial capitals for proper nouns (Ruth, Tim) but there is also incorrect use (Lamp). In many
places, inverted commas have been used correctly to signal direct speech, although there is
some confusion towards the end of the piece (“my third wish is this “I …).
4 marks
154. Three wishes

Level 5
Long ago in Africa lived a girl called Abla. Abla lived with her mum, her dad had gone away to
America on an expedision. Abla’s dad said that he would come back after three months, but a
year had gone by and there was no sign of him. Abla’s family were very poor so they had to live
in a hut on the edge of a tiny forest, although Abla’s family were poor, Abla didn’t mind, she
loved the forest and her forest friends. She would go to the forest everyday and play, Abla didn’t
have real friends, but that didn’t stop her from playing.
One paticilar day Abla went into the forest and asuall she played, but this day she went deep
inside the forest, far inside that her house couldn’t be seen. Night had fallen and Abla dicided to
go home she ran this way and that but she couldn’t find the track that led home. After a while
she sat beside a tree and saw a monkey the monkey stopped and said, “you have seen me,
now I’ll grant you three wishes”
Abla was so excited that she forgot she was lost, and so she quickly said ‘I wish I had all the
pantana friuts in the world and at once she saw a huge pile of pantana friuts, Abla guzzeld them
up, all of the 3 hundred friuts and later she was sick.
When she was ready for her next wish, she wished she could have very nice clothes as before
her wish was granted she saw instantly she had worn new clothes, Abla danced about from side
to side, but her clothes got caught in a thorn bush and riped.
After a while Abla felt bad, she wanted to go home, but she thought and thought, and then she
made her last wish “I wish everyone in the world were happy her wish was granted she cried “if
only my dad would come home” the monkey said “I’ll show you the path home” he made a road
to Abla’s home Abla said ‘Thankyou’ and ran home. When she got there she saw that her dad
had come home, Abla ran to him and her dad said ‘I wizzed here only I don’t know how” at once
she knew that when she said she wanted her dad to come home, although it was not a wish it
still came true.
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The setting of this well organised story immediately creates an appropriate background for a
traditional tale. Details of the remote rural location (a hut on the edge of a tiny forest) in the past
support the introduction of Abla, the main character. Characterisation is built up consistently, at
first by comments from the narrator (Abla didn’t mind) and later in the story through Abla’s
interaction with the wish-granting monkey. A moral theme appropriate to a traditional tale is
used to provide plot structure, as Abla’s requests for food and clothes end in disaster (but her
clothes got caught in a thorn bush and riped). The climax of the tale is slightly weakened by a
lack of explanation; whether or not Abla’s final wish really brought about her dad’s return is not
made clear. Nevertheless, the return of the father from his expedition neatly draws together the
start and finish of the tale, and makes for a harmonious resolution as the family are reunited.
Overall, the development of character and the integration of traditional story conventions into
the plot justify an award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
In some places, expanded phrases are used to add visual interest to the story (a huge pile of
pantana friuts) and a descriptive verb is used effectively to emphasise Abla’s attitude to the
food (guzzeld). Some storytelling phrases are integrated into the narration (Long ago; Night had
fallen; this way and that), and a variety of complex structures are used to combine ideas
effectively (that her house couldn’t be seen; so excited that she forgot).
5 marks
Punctuation
In most instances, sentences are demarcated accurately. Within the sentence, there is some
evidence of the use of commas to show divisions between clauses. Inverted commas are usually
used correctly to signal direct speech, although the use of a comma after said is not always
evident (she quickly said ‘I wish I had). Other punctuation includes the use of initial capitals for
proper nouns (Africa, Abla).
5 marks
155. Three wishes

High Level 5
Once upon a time, on the south of London, a little girl called Bella the selfish lived with her
unhappy parents at 2 high S.t.
“I want ICECREAM!” screamed Bella.
“But you had a strawberry whopper dopper before tea Bella honey.” replied mum.
“Don’t talk sweet to her Emma darling.” interrupted dad. “Go to your room NOW!”
Shouted Dad (Mike).
Bella sobbed, running all the way up the stairs, into her bedroom.
“It’s not fair” moaned Bella.
“What’s not fair?” asked something, then, out of the blue, appeared a genie!
“My parents don’t give me anything.” mumbled Bella not noticing the genie’s uninvited
appearence, out of a lamp that she had barely noticed. “I will grant you 3 wishes!” boomed
the genie...”
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But before the genie could finish of his sentence, Bella used all her 3 wishes!
“I want lots of gold and I (Just me) want to live in a palace and I want to live for ever, and
ever, and ever!” sang Bella all at once, and before the blinking of an eye ‘ZAP’!
Bella was in a golden palace with rooms full of gold but before she could enjoy herself,
the genie coughed and grinned before saying “Did you know you will have to pay me for the
wishes you made?” Bella’s smile faded. There was a long pause of silence before Bella
screamed “That’s not fair!”
“Bella, dear!” replied the genie “life isn’t fair...... For YOU!”
Cackled the genie “I tried telling you, but would you listen?...NOOO! So this is the mess
you got yourself in. Normally I would kill you but since you wished for eternal life It would be a
waste of time so you will have to work for me for 5623YRS!” Laughed the genie.
So for 5623 YRS Bella the Selfish (now Bella the foolish) lived in slavery and as for the
palace and the gold it was all given to the genie, and for the rest of Bella’s life until the day of
judgement she lived on the streets begging! But the the genie....Oh....he lived happily ever after.
(well until the day of Judgement!)

In this confident, well-handled story, a moral theme is developed in a humorous manner. The
narrator’s tone of amused detachment is evident from the opening introduction of characters
(Bella the selfish, her unhappy parents). Dialogue between the family, interwoven effectively
with narration, is used to illustrate the fraught relationships, and Bella’s dramatic exit to her
bedroom moves the action swiftly on to the key scene. The encounter with the genie, seen from
the narrator’s point of view, draws attention to Bella’s self-absorbed personality (not noticing
the genie’s uninvited appearance). The twist in the tale replaces Bella’s self-confidence with
indignation as she realises the consequences of her actions, and the concluding paragraph brings
out the moral message of this cautionary tale. Paragraphing is used fairly consistently to support
the different sections of the story. Overall, the controlled changes in pace and mood, and the
playful use of the conventions of a traditional tale merit an award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
Contrasting speech styles are used to emphasise the characters’ personalities. For example,
Bella’s continual use of first person pronouns emphasises her selfishness (I want, I (Just me)),
whereas mum uses a term of endearment (Bella honey). The differing moods and reactions of
the characters are charted by the range of verbs used to describe their speech (moaned, sang,
boomed, Cackled). Complex sentence structures are interspersed with short, simple statements
for effect (Bella’s smile faded). The writer includes some conventional phrases and structures
(appeared a genie; before the blinking of an eye).
6 marks
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Punctuation
Commas are used effectively in places to separate phrases in complex sentences. Inverted
commas are used with consistency to demarcate direct speech, although the associated comma is
not used. Apostrophes indicate omission (Don’t, It’s, That’s) and also possession (Bella’s).
Other sentence punctuation includes brackets, ellipsis and capitalisation for emphasis.
Sentences are securely demarcated with full stops and capital letters.
6 marks
156. Mystery solved

Just below level 3
one early morning at 1:30am a man called sid was in bed when he heard his coach start up, it
was gone in less than 10 seconds. He slipped on his slipper and dressing gown and ran down
stars and the coach was gone.
He slowley walked up the stares and said “thats my coach gone, I’ll dial 999 and get the police.”
They asked me what I wanted fire, ambalance or police. “police someone has stollen my
coach”. He asked for name adress and phone number. “name please Sid, adress, number 28
Wood Street lane and last of all phone number (001140) 0050000 I’ll be there in less than five
minutes” I told him my Reg-st number XX2 Y6Y.
The police were off and I went with them, I saw it dumped in the middle of a feild, the men made
a legger.
We got out the squad car and chased them across a feild, he kept on stopping and trying to hit
us with a bat. We kept on running we wodn’t stop. He jumped in the squad car and we jumped
in the coach, we chased him down M25 and back he soon stopped and serrended they were
arrested for two years.
Two years later they were never to be seen again, but befor they went they have to by a new
coach ten times as much money than the coach befor. We couldn’t let them go befor they had
brought it. Their names were Fred and jim.

The theft of a coach and the search for the culprits forms the basis of this simple sequence of
events. The main character and his problem are briefly introduced in the opening sentences (sid
was in bed when he heard his coach start up) and there are attempts to build tension in the
details of the police hunt. The dialogue which follows is used to present Sid’s telephone call to
the police. However, the interaction is limited to an exchange of factual information and little is
suggested about Sid’s reaction (name please Sid, adress, number 28 Wood Street). Events move
to a resolution, and while some consideration is given to the consequences for the thieves (they
have to by a new coach), there is no indication of the main character’s feelings about the
situation. The switch from third to first person makes the narration appear disjointed. Overall,
the presentation of a story with a complicating event and simple ending, but without
development of character, leads to an award of 9 marks.
9 marks
340 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
Although some of the sentences and clauses are joined simply with and, there is some evidence
of other connectives (but, when). In places, verbs are varied to suggest quality of action
(slipped, dumped, jumped) and there is occasional expansion (slowley walked). There is some
attempt to use specific vocabulary (Reg-st number, squad car, serrended), but other word
choices are more general. Where pronouns are used, there are some ambiguities including
confusion of number (chased them...he kept on).
4 marks
Punctuation
Some sentences are punctuated with full stops and capital letters, but many sentence boundaries
are either ignored or demarcated inaccurately using the comma (I went with them, I saw it).
Some names have initial capitals (Wood Street) but this is not consistent.
2 marks
157. Mystery solved

Level 3
In a city in November 96
Joe and John were walking through a large and colourful city then heard an alarm.
“Come on,” Joe shouted then John and Joe both ran towards the loud sound of the alarm and
saw a man run out the shop and run into the center and ran upstairs. Then John and Joe ran to
the city center and squezd through the slide doors and ran towards the elevator. Just coming
from the elevator was old man and Joe and John screechd past and presst level 4 top floor.
Then they slowly started going. But Just Then the lift slowd down again. “Come on,” shouted
Joe ancshously. Then the lift jurked and went dark “when I find out who did this there died,”
shouted John angaly.
Just then the lights lit up and the Lift started to move. When they got to the top floor they went to
the control panal and got the finger prints. Then the man ran towards the elevator and pressed
G for ground floor then John flicked the switch. Near to the bottom the man managed to force
his way out and ran then John and Joe ran down stairs and saw that the lift was open. Just a
few minutes later Joe saw him in a shop and ran. Then he leaped into the air and landed on him
and said “was it you that stopped the elevator” “no,” he replied then Joe thought if it wasn’t him
who was it then he heard John “it’s him look I got his finger prints but he got away,” then they
both ran after the man and Joe said “I’m sorry,” then they leaped into the air and landed on him.
A couple of days later they both were awarded a medale then the presadent said I wonder what
happend to that man you jumped on Joe,”
“So do I” they both wisperd.

The sound of a shop alarm is the trigger for the chain of events presented in this story. An urban
setting is briefly established, although no background information is given about the two main
characters who decide to follow the suspect (John and Joe ran to the city center).
341 | P a g e
Although the story begins on the street, the build-up to the main events takes place inside an
elevator. Details of the lift’s erratic journey (the lift slowd down; the lift jurked and went dark)
and indication of the characters’ reactions (ancshously; angaly) create some suspense; however
as events unfold, some of the detail becomes unclear and the pace is uneven. Dialogue between
the main characters draws attention to the eventual capture, and an earlier piece of evidence
becomes significant (“it’s him look I got his finger prints but he got away). The reason for the
president’s question and the investigators’ response is not explained; but nevertheless, a change
of time and place to the medal ceremony provides an ending to the story. Overall, the attempts
to develop character and manage the action just merit the award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
The order of events is signalled by the repetitive use of then, although in places, expanded
phrases are used to indicate the movement of time (Just a few minutes later; A couple of days
later). Past tense is used for the narration, and there is some variety in the selection of verbs
used to convey action (squezd, screechd, leaped). There is some use of adjectives to give
descriptive detail (a large and colourful city) and sentence structures include questions and a
command.
4 marks
Punctuation
The writer has used full stops and capital letters to demarcate over half of the sentences in this
piece, although question marks are not used at the end of the questions (was it you that stopped
the elevator). Inverted commas are usually used to signal direct speech.
4 marks
158. Mystery solved

Level 4
It was a lovely spring moring and Ryan, Adam and Lisa were getting ready to go to the park
“Hurry up you guys!” said Lisa. Lisa was the clever one she had golden brown hair, glasses and
was kind and very good at computers. Adam was 11 years old the same as the others and he
was clever and sporty he was O.K. at maths and loved cricket he had black hair, brown eyes, a
great smile and was very good at cricket, on the other hand Ryan was the comidian he always
told funny jokes (not all of them were funny) Ryan had blonde hair, was a darey-dare devil and
was great at fishing and football.
Finally Ryan, Adam and Lisa were at the park and playing with there kite until they
thought there was something strange going on. They heard this large digging noise and they
looked around the corner “Whats that?” questioned Adam “Its a drill!” said Ryan (trying to be
funny) “This is serious Ryan!” exclaimed Lisa. They then saw a big rocket kind of thing that was
being buried deep under ground, then the machine put all the soil that it used on top of the
rocket like thing and disappeared into thin air!
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“Where, where did it go?” said Ryan (not being so funny this time) “I don’t know,” said
Lisa, “were probabley imagining things.” “I heard a news article that theres a mystery about a
disappearing digger on the T.V.,” said Adam “Stop lieing.” said Ryan “Its ture, I’m not lieing!”
replied Adam in an honest voice.
“Hey, that rocket looked exactly like a bomb,” said Lisa.

The group had relized that, that digger was planting a bomb to blow up London and were
determined to stop it. Just then the digger reappear and a man came out of it “We know what
your up to!” said Adam “and were going to stop you.” “Well you’ve only got 10 minutes.” said the
man. Ryan noticed a control which had a stop and go button on it he grabbed the control and
pressed stop, but then dropped it again and he had to catch it but Adam who was good at
cricket leaped and caught it and pressed stop Lisa called the police and the mystery was solved
but there only one thing the group were puzzled about and it was how did the digger disappear
and reappear? “It was an illusion used by projectry image but the large drill was real,” said Lisa
feeling smart “Clever cloggs,” shouted Ryan “I wonder what our reward is!” said
Adam “Not another mystery!” said Ryan!

Three friends’ attempt to avert danger becomes the central focus in this adventure story.
The opening paragraph establishes the setting and presents descriptions of the main characters,
but the large amount of detail weakens the pace. Nonetheless, characterisation is consistent, as
features mentioned in the opening become relevant later on (Adam…was very good at cricket).
Direct speech between the friends effectively conveys the transition from initial disbelief (were
probabley imagining things) to realisation that the situation is serious. Fast paced narration
builds tension in the final race against time (he grabbed the control and pressed stop) although
some impact is lost through the rather sudden conclusion to events (Lisa called the police and
the mystery was solved). A final exchange lightens the mood and returns attention to the
children. Although there are some difficulties with pace, the organisation of events and use of
dialogue just merit the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Expanded phrases are used to introduce a greater level of detail (lovely spring moring; golden
brown hair) and subordination is frequently used to link information in complex sentences
(which had a stop and go button; who was good at cricket). There is some variety in the use of
connectives (until, but). In the dialogue, spoken styles are suggested using repetition (Where,
where did it go?) and exclamation (Hey). In some places, words and phrases in the narration add
information about the manner of speech (in an honest voice; shouted Ryan) and precise
vocabulary is used for effect (illusion, projectry image).
6 marks
343 | P a g e
Punctuation
Sentence demarcation in this piece is correct in places. Question marks have been used
accurately to signal question sentences (Whats that?) and there are some exclamation marks for
emphasis. The beginning and end of direct speech is accurately signalled with inverted commas
on occasions. Commas are used appropriately both within speech and to separate phrases in
narrated sentences. Other punctuation includes the apostrophe to signal omission (I’m) although
this is not used consistently (Its). Overall, the punctuation of this piece just merits the award of
5 marks.
5 marks
159. Mystery solved

Level 5
“Coming to the park for a two on two,” said Ed as David answered the door.
“O.K.” David went back inside. “Sis, Ed and Daniel are at the door, they wanna have a
game, two on two.” Hayley came to the door.
“Lets go,” she said. As they went down to the park on that day, little did those four twelve
year olds know what was coming.
When they got to the park, they headed straight to the Basket-ball court. This game was
always a closely contested affair, this time was no different. It finished twenty four, twenty six.
On the way home they heard a strange noise.
“Whats that,” said Daniel.
“Sounds like a dog,” said David. Just at that moment Hayley fell down a trap.
“Are you all right,” shouted David. “Cos Mum’ll kill me if you aint.”
“I’m all right,” said Hayley. It’s a soft landing,” she said. The three boys jumped.
“Where are we?” Although it was Ed who said it, that was the question on everbodys
mind. They heard the noise again.
“You sure that’s a dog, bro.”
“Sounds like a cat in pain to me,” laughed Daniel. Little did they know, that joke was
about to come true. As they turned the corner, they saw a man. He was short, bulky and bald.
He was also quite old. They noticed he was guarding several cases full of cats. Then they heard
more foot steps. They dived for the nearest hiding place.
“Someones found their way in, Layton,” said a voice. “The trap’s open.” What are you
going to do about it, Layton.” The mans voice had a crescendo in it.
“I don’t know, sir,” whimpered Layton.
“Your going to find them,” roared the voice. The man started to materialise. He wore a
long, yellow coat with the coller turned up. Without thinking Ed jumped out.
“What have we hear,” leered the man. The other three jumped out. The man reached into
his pocket, evidently reaching for a gun. Ed through himself at the man.
The man hit the floor with a thud. The other three went for Layton. He was sent down to
the ground with a crash.
Just then the armed police came in.
“Well, well, well. It looks like the mystery of the missing cats has been solved,” laughed
the chief.
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In this logically structured piece, the reader’s interest is maintained by the effective pacing of
events and interaction between the four main characters. The everyday nature of the trip to the
park is established through the friends’ casual dialogue (they wanna have a game), whilst the
narrator’s comments build suspense (little did those four twelve year olds know). The
mysterious place that the characters find themselves in is described by their reactions (It’s a soft
landing) and the story is advanced through a humorous exchange. A combination of visual
description (a long, yellow coat with the coller turned up) and tense conversation suggests the
sinister nature of the cat thieves. The resolution is rather briefly described, but nonetheless the
arrival of the police adds another level of interest to the story, suggesting that the children
unwittingly solved the mystery. Overall, the development of characters through dialogue and
the use of the narrator securely merit the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Contrast is set up between the characters’ spoken language (Cos; two on two) and the more
formal style of the narration. Carefully selected vocabulary is used to develop characterisation
and build tension (crescendo, whimpered, leered). Complex constructions including expanded
phrases (several cases full of cats) are interspersed with shorter sentences for effect (The three
boys jumped).
6 marks
Punctuation
Speech marks are used accurately to introduce and conclude direct speech, and there is use of
the comma (“Lets go,” she said). Full stops and capital letters, including those for proper nouns,
are used correctly, although there is some omission of question marks. Commas are used
appropriately to distinguish clauses and apostrophes are frequently used to signal omission
(Mum’ll, I’m) although some have been omitted (Lets, Whats).
6 marks
160. Mystery solved

Higher Level 5
The icy plump drops of rain splatterd heavily against the old crumbling road, as Steven and I
darted towards the shelter of Mr Kings Hardware shop. As we ran through the musty side ally
we came across two stout men, standing against the graphited walls. One man was talking
quietly into a mobile-phone, but still we heard clearly what the man was saying. “We’ll get him
tonight at nine o’clock at the old warehouse at North Road. Good old Mr King!,” and with this he
slammed his phone into his spascious pockets and gave out an evil cackle, as him and his
friend ran away “There going to kill Mr King” Steven said shakily as a huge raindrop ran down
his red face “We need to tell him quick” and we darted of to Mr King to tell him the bad-news.
345 | P a g e
When we got to Mr Kings shop a big red sign hung from his wooden door ‘Closed’! We
had just missed Mr King. I looked at my watch the time read ‘8.55’ we had five minutes before
Mr King would be murdered.
When we reached the old Warehouse on North road we crept round the back and hid in
the beams of the roof. The warehouse was dark and barren we couldn’t see a thing. Spiders
webs hung from the roof and covered the beams we were rested on.
Suddenly Mr King entered the warehouse he shouted out “Hello, is there anyone here”
his voice echoed loudly of the metal walls. “Mr King” I whispered down to him, but before the
sound could reach is ears a light was switched on “Mr King” a gloomy voice bellowed from
somewhere in the building. “It’s us, were here” the voice came more loudly this time as if the
voice was getting nearer “Surprise” a whole lot of people shouted and from out of the blackness
of the far corner came millions of men all dressed in clown costumes. They all stood still for a
moment when all of a sudden a Chorus of “Happy Birthday to you!,” filled the silent air of the
Warehouse and all the clowns ripped of their suits. “Guys” said Mr King cheerfully
“You shouldn’t have”
I and Steven looked at each other in alarm. It was Mr Kings Birthday. His friends had
thrown him a surprise party. When all the lights came on we saw that the room was covered in
tables of Birthday presents and food!
With this me and Steven jumped down from the beams of the roof and began to join in
with all the fun!!!
Me and Steven went up to Mr King and whished him a Happy Birthday and told him are
story he laughed and said “These are all my hardware store workers and friends you didn’t think
they were going to kill me now, these people wouldn’t harm a fly” and with this Mr King turned
away and began to dance with his friends.
THE END

In this engaging story, the misunderstanding of a conversation provides initial motivation for a
developed chain of events, and leads to a comic ending. The choice of first person narration
allows the reader to share the surprise when the mistake becomes apparent. Initial details of
setting are used to evoke a hostile atmosphere (musty side ally), and support the sinister
interpretation of the phone call (We’ll get him tonight). Steven’s shocked reaction moves the
action on swiftly to the shop and then the warehouse location. Suspense is effectively built up as
Mr King’s entrance is described from the narrator’s viewpoint (I whispered down to him), and a
key moment of visual impact transforms the scene from terror to celebration (millions of men all
dressed in clown costumes). A slower pace enables the humour of the situation to be
emphasised in the resolution, as the friends confess their confusion to Mr King. The controlled
management of contrast, development of plot and effective characterisation lead to an award of
18 marks.
18 marks
346 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
Throughout the piece the writer has selected precise and imaginative vocabulary to suggest
visual detail (graphited walls; spascious pockets) and quality of movement (slammed his phone;
darted of; crept). In the warehouse scene, words describing sound are used to particular effect
(echoed loudly, bellowed). Complex sentences support the development of plot by indicating
shifts in time and place (When we reached the old Warehouse) and simple sentences are used
for emphasis (It was Mr Kings Birthday).
6 marks
Punctuation
Within the sentence, commas have been used to show division between clauses. Initial capital
letters are used fairly consistently for proper nouns (Steven, Mr King) although there is some
variation (North Road / North road). Inverted commas signal the inclusion of direct speech, and
most sentences have been demarcated with full stops and capital letters.
5 marks
161. Below level 6
Walton Park, near Watley, is a very popular place for people with dogs. There are lots of green
fields and open spaces for dogs to run around in. There is a model railway that you can sit on
and go round a track.
Lots of wildlife come to Walton Park including squirrels, badgers, foxes, rabbits and birds
of all kinds. There is and old walled garden that has two small ponds and a gazebo for people to
enjoy the peace and quiet. Many birds live in the surrounding hedges as they are in perfect
condition. There are many routes and trails at Walton Park. Some of these trails lead up to
Rigsby Common where you can look out over Cardingly.
Families often visit the park with dogs as it is suitable for children. Walkers also come to
the park for the day and some even camp there overnight. You don’t find many teenage children
here but there are a few who come with their families. Walton Park is acceseble for all ages and
abilities.
As people with dogs are the most popular visitors to the park you can imagine the mess
that the dogs leave in the fields. Unfortunately for other visitors, this mess is not always cleaned
up. There have been complaints about this from parents of young children. The park have been
notified about this and they know something has to be done.
Some people suggest putting up more signs to make people more aware of what is
happening. Others say ‘owners are responsible for cleaning up after their dogs. If they don’t, a
fine should be charged.’
Overall Walton Park is a quiet, peaceful place where people can explore the grounds or
just sit and enjoy the countryside. With the parks many attractions you can see why it’s so
popular. Why not come along and see it for yourself? Rangers are sure that you will enjoy your
visit and say that if you have any comments on the park that they are more than welcome to
hear them.
But please don’t forget, if you have a dog clean up the mess it makes!
347 | P a g e
Commentary
This piece includes appropriate details of the location of the place, the views, the appearance of
the park and the activities which take place there. There is a clear awareness of audience
throughout most of the writing, with a direct address to the reader and encouragement to visit
the park (Why not come along and see it for yourself?). However, the writer becomes somewhat
distracted by the problems with dogs, and the tone is not sustained in this section.
There is a logical structure, with an introduction which is followed by a general description of

the park. This leads to an account of the activities available for different groups, and the
problems caused by dogs. The penultimate paragraph summarises the attractions of the park and
encourages the reader to visit. The final sentence uses an exclamation to conclude the piece.
Vocabulary is mainly used accurately, although it is rather commonplace and unadventurous,

particularly in its use of adverbs and adjectives (There are lots of green fields; Many birds live
in the surrounding hedges). There are a few examples of ambiguity or inaccuracy. For example,
it is not clear if as they are in perfect condition refers to the birds or the hedges, and welcome is
used wrongly. Some effective use of variation in sentence structure is seen in the penultimate
paragraph. Elsewhere in the piece, sentence structure lacks variety, with an over-use of
sentences beginning with There is/are. Punctuation is limited in range but accurate, with the
exception of a missing apostrophe. Commonplace words are spelt correctly.
This piece has an appropriate level of factual detail, mainly sustains a suitable tone and has a
good level of technical accuracy. However, the limitations of sentence structure and the
unadventurous choice of vocabulary place this script below level 6.
Marks
Composition 3
Presentation 2
348 | P a g e
162. Below level 6
Now, just how much do you like walking? Personally, I love it. But farmers are not too sure. In
fact, a dispute has broken out over the freedom of ramblers on farmers’ land. There are many
arguments on both sides, so many that people are stressing the need to find a happy medium.
But would you like it if people started walking on your land? Farmers think that walkers ruin their
crops, drop litter, do damage and are simply a pest. Walkers, on the other hand, say that they
always keep to special countryside rules and that people living in Inner cities, as well as
themselves, lose out on opportunities to walk on ALL land. Farmers lose millions of pounds a
year on repairing fences and wire, even replacing crops and animals. Animals, say the farmers,
often sufficate or choke on rubbish dropped about by walkers.
But special organisations have been set up, opposing farmers’ decisions, like “The Ramblers”
and “Roam Free”. These are getting a lot of support and think that land should be open to
everyone. They also campain to stop building on the countryside, protecting our heritage, like
woodland from today’s monsters. They say that farmers and picnicers do all the damage.
With us today are Mr. Roger Turner, a keen walker and Mr. James Hughes, a farmer from the
Lake district. They are going to discuss with us the issues of walking and trespassing on
farmers’ land ….
Commentary
This piece gives a balanced coverage of both sides of the argument, and has a tone appropriate
to a television news programme. It begins with an address to the viewer in the first sentence,
followed by a reference to the speaker’s views. This personal tone is sustained in the second
paragraph by an appeal to the viewer in the first sentence. This awareness of audience is not
sustained in the third paragraph, where the use of the passive voice at the beginning has a
de-personalising effect; but the conclusion again shows an awareness of the requirements of the
format.
The content is generally well-organised, with an introduction to the topic followed by a

description of both sides of the argument. The organisation of ideas becomes somewhat
confused in the second paragraph however, which is mainly concerned with the views of the
farmers, but has a mention of the walkers’ views which would have been more logically
included in the third paragraph. The final paragraph gives a suitable link to the interviews, with
an introduction to the two interviewees and a reminder of the issues they will discuss.
Vocabulary and expression appropriate to the presentation of an issue in a television news

format are used (a dispute has broken out; people are stressing the need). There is a variety of
sentence structures, with rhetorical questions used effectively to contribute to the creation of a
suitable style (Now, just how much do you like walking? Personally, I love it). Longer, more
complex sentences are not always handled so skilfully. For example, there is awkwardness in
the organisation of the sentence beginning Walkers, on the other hand, in the second paragraph,
leading to some loss of clarity.
349 | P a g e
Basic sentence punctuation is correctly used, and there is evidence of correct use of question
marks and apostrophes, although the use of commas in complex sentences is not always correct
(protecting our heritage, like woodland from today’s monsters). Spelling is mainly correct,
including that of more complex words. Some errors occur in words with irregular spellings,
such as the omission of the silent letter in campain.
This writing shows features approaching level 6 in the selection of content, the appropriateness
to format and audience in most of the piece, and the choice of vocabulary. Despite these
strengths, occasional lapses in style, organisation and sentence structure mean that this piece
does not reach level 6.
Marks
Composition 4
Presentation 2
163. Level 6
Hello viewers! Welcome to today’s show on Your right to roam. I would like to welcome Mr
Smith – a rambler (that is a keen walker) and Mrs Jones – a farmer, representing the National
Farmers’ Union. But first I’ll explain to you what it’s all about!
Lots of people enjoy going for a walk in the countryside, in fact since we’ve mentioned our
special on ‘the Right to Roam’ we’ve had hundreds of letters, emails and faxes from our viewers
explaining their opinion. For example Sam from Manchester says ‘It is our right to walk where
we want to walk, after all it is our country’ but Michelle from Skipton argues ‘How would you like
it if people came into your house and started walking around in your bedroom, people who are
strangers, that is? That land people are walking on belongs to somebody and may be their
livelyhood.’ Thank you for your letters.
There are many paths, in fact 130,000 miles of paths for the public to walk on but sometimes
people feel they want to stray from the paths and see all the parts of the countryside. This is
where the problem starts.
A lot of the land people walk on belongs to the farmers. This may seem uncomplicated but
although the farmers want people to enjoy the countryside they do need to keep their farms
working and profitable. If people walk on their land and disturb their cattle and crops, the
farmers lose money.
Farmers are asking for more restricting access laws to keep their farms peaceful, but the
ramblers represented by Mr Smith believe that they should have a right to go anywhere.
Now let’s start the interview with Mr Smith and Mrs Jones.
Commentary
This piece shows confident use of the style of a television news programme, particularly in the
first two paragraphs. Awareness of a young audience is shown in the first paragraph where the
word ‘rambler’ is defined, with use of the conventions of a programme for young people in the
informal and speech-like style of writing (But first I’ll explain to you what it’s all about!). This
informal style is sustained in the second paragraph with the use of quotations from viewers.
The style becomes more impersonal in the subsequent paragraphs, and while this is to some
extent appropriate to the more factual content, this section does not show the confidence in style
of the first half of the piece.
350 | P a g e
The writing has a clear and well-organised structure. Both sides of the argument are represented
in the views in the second paragraph and the brief summaries of the issues in the third and
fourth. The sentence This is where the problem starts links the opposing views. The viewers are
then reminded again of the views which the two interviewees represent, with the final sentence
providing an introduction to the interviews.
There is confident control of sentence structure throughout, with a variety of types of sentence
used to good effect. For example, short sentences and exclamations are used for direct addresses
to the viewers (Hello viewers!; Thank you for your letters). Longer, more complex sentences are
used to explain the issues (There are many paths ... all the parts of the countryside; Farmers are
asking for ... a right to go anywhere). A range of vocabulary and expression appropriate to both
the format and the issues helps to sustain the style and momentum of the piece (This may seem
uncomplicated; stray from the paths).
A range of punctuation is used accurately and to good effect. Underlining is used for emphasis,
and there is an example in the first paragraph of the use of both dashes and brackets to clarify
meaning. There is one spelling error (livelyhood) but spelling is otherwise accurate.
This piece shows the features of the level 6 mark band in the confident style and awareness of
audience in the first two paragraphs, the efficient handling of organisation, sequencing and
sentence structure, and the technical accuracy. The style is not totally sustained throughout,
which precludes the award of a higher mark.
Marks
Composition 6
Presentation 4
164. Level 6
Good afternoon and welcome to this special edition of Newsworld.

Today we are going to be finding out about the opinions of ramblers and in many ways their
opponents the farmers.
Later we are going to have interviews with a dedicated rambler and an annoyed farmer. But first
I will give you the information for both sides of the battle.
The farmers state the argument that they have bought the land therefore they should be able to
use it for any purpose they see fit.
Their worst concern is probably, especially for livestock farmers, that if they have ramblers all
over their land during lambing season etc. the dogs will frighten the animals and possibly leave
the lambs traumatised. For arable farmers their lifeline is their crops and their ability to grow
them well and have the opportunity to earn a lot of money, but this time usually only occurs
once a year. If during this time it does happen that ramblers and their pets trample down vitally
important crops, the farmers will lose money and would have the right to, in my opinion, prevent
people crossing their land just for a simple short-cut.
The other perspective is that of the ramblers.
351 | P a g e
They want to explore the country, not in cars or on planes, but using what they pocess
themselves, their feet. They will walk anywhere where there is scenery and a track worth
walking on.
They want to have access to the beautiful lands some farmers pocess. But it seems they are
always confronted by the dreaded NO ENTRY sign which must be one of the most unpleasant
sights in the eyes of a rambler. All ramblers will think they will not affect the lands of the farmers
and one or two ramblers wouldn’t, but ramblers go round in groups and waves of groups of
ramblers would almost definitely trample and destroy some of the farmers’ lands. On the other
hand, the countryside should be for everyone. I hope I have set the scene, so now let’s go over
to a rambler and a farmer for what promises to be an exciting interview.
Commentary
The tone and style of this piece are appropriate for a news programme, with an awareness of
audience and purpose shown by direct address to the viewer and by the use of the pronoun we in
the first three paragraphs.
There is a clear structure which is sustained throughout. The issues are identified at the
beginning, with an outline of the way in which information will be presented in the rest of the
piece (Today we are going to; Later we are going to have). This outline is then logically
followed, with both sides of the argument introduced (The farmers state the argument that;
The other perspective is that of the ramblers). The subsequent paragraphs which explain the
issues include more detail than would be entirely appropriate, since this might be better left to
the interviews themselves. The paragraph beginning They want to have access does not have the
coherent structure of previous paragraphs, since it mixes the views of both sides. The final
paragraph however, links to the subsequent interviews appropriately and in a lively manner.
There is effective use of vocabulary and expression likely to have an impact on the television
viewer (leave the lambs traumatised; trample down vitally important crops; waves of groups of
ramblers; NO ENTRY sign).
Use of a range of sentence structures gives shape to the writing. Short simple sentences are used
to introduce ideas (The other perspective is that of the ramblers). Longer and more complex
sentences are used to discuss the complicated issues on both sides of the argument. The order of
clauses in complex sentences is sometimes varied for effect (They want to explore the country,
not in cars or on planes, but using what they pocess themselves, their feet).
352 | P a g e
Punctuation is competently managed and there is only one spelling error (pocess).
Lapses in the selection of detail and weaknesses in the paragraph coherence towards the end of
the piece are balanced by the clear structure, the effective use of expression and sentence
structure and the technical accuracy, placing it securely in the level 6 mark band.
Marks
Composition 7
Presentation 4
165. Level 6
I know a place – Fulfield rec

Fulfield rec is situated right in the centre of Fulfield, a tiny village near Oakhampstead,
and is a small park visited frequently by people of all ages.
The park includes a full size football pitch where Oakhampstead Juniors, a local team for
children, play their home games. Although the sgraggly grass is far from perfect it makes a
great place to play. Every Sunday morning the rec is a buzz of noise. Excited parents yelling in
delight every time their son touches the ball. Furious managers shouting angrily at sloppy
defending and the dull thud of ball on boot.
This pitch takes up virtually the whole park. Around the east edge though is a cluster of
overgrown bushes and paths making it a paradise for dog walkers.
When you walk into the rec through the rusty old gate your eyes will fall upon a tiny
play area.
There is a metal slide on which toddlers squeal in happiness as they shoot down like
bullets. Also there is a little rocket where if you shake you bob up and down. It is a hilarious
invention which gaurantees springy fun! And of course no playground is the same without a set
of swings. Although they’ve been around for ages they are still a firm favourite for fun seekers.
In the near right hand corner is a stone hut which contains football accessories. A
dangerous substation is embedded in bushes nearby, its electric current buzzing hazardously.
Most children who live in Fulfield are familiar with the rec. It is sometimes used as a
meeting place forteenagers. All in all the rec is like a people magnet for the Fulfield community.
However there are some niggling problems. Reckless teenagers come looking for trouble;
vandalising anything they see. Horrible graffiti is sprayed wildly across buildings too. We could
improve this by installing TV cameras to catch them.
To conclude this piece of writing I would say that I have always played here and it is like a
second home to me. As a soccer fan I’m forever kicking a ball around with friends. The rec
remains a fantastic place to play for everybody who wants to go outside.
353 | P a g e
Commentary
This piece has a confident authorial voice which is sustained throughout. The writer’s views on
the positive and negative aspects of the place are conveyed through selection of details and
effective use of descriptive language (Although the sgraggly grass is far from perfect; a
dangerous substation … its electric current buzzing hazardously). The description engages the
reader and gives a clear picture of the recreation ground seen from the point of view of a child
who enjoys playing there, but who can also see its negative aspects. The informal style, which
draws on spoken language, helps to sustain this point of view (a hilarious invention which
gaurantees springy fun!; a fantastic place to play).
The opening sentence introduces and locates the place, and the ideas are developed logically
and with a consistent level of detail. Control of paragraphing is uncertain in some places, with
very short paragraphs which could be re-organised into longer ones. For example, There is a
metal slide would be more appropriate as a continuation of the previous paragraph, as would
However there are some niggling problems.
Sentence structure is varied to good effect. There is a use of parallel sentences in the second
paragraph which adds to the vividness of the description (Excited parents yelling in delight;
Furious managers shouting angrily).
Punctuation is accurate, with an example of a semi-colon used for effect. Spelling is mainly
accurate, with the exception of sgraggly and gaurantees.
The confident interweaving of description, positive and negative aspects of the place and the
writer’s attitude, along with the imaginative use of language maintain the reader’s interest and
clearly place this piece at level 6.
Marks
Composition 7
Presentation 3
166. Above level 6
I know a place
If you walk down my road, past the postbox and past the Pub and still a little further, you will find
a small alley way leading into a back road. Turn left and you will find the old brick wall covered
with moss. If you peer over the top you will see a dustbin just high enough to step onto. Climb
over the wall and step onto the dustbin but be careful not to wake the brown scottish terrier.
He’s a ferocious fighter. He’s a stray dog. After that carry on walking. There will now be a right
diagonal turn. Walk along that path. Finally you will manage to get to a hole in a hedge. Now
you are standing in my best friend’s garden, her name’s Lucy, just behind the pine tree. She can
always tell when I’m there because her cat comes up and purrs. If you’re standing in front of the
pine it looks as if the tree has suddenly sprouted an arm and is stroking the cat. Her younger
sister once had nightmares for three days running because of this, or so Lucy says.
354 | P a g e
Even though I tried to keep my little passage way secret, Sam and Charlie (my brothers)
found out. Because they are so young they always follow me and one day I didn’t realise they
were there and I went to my passage way. Anyway, they attempted to climb over and they
knocked the dustbin over and the dog is even more hyper because they teased it. So now it’s
almost impossible to get into the garden without being bitten or followed. Of course they have
told my mum and so now she keeps a close eye on me. I can’t go there anymore. It’s
impossible.
Commentary
This is an accomplished piece of imaginative writing, which sustains the reader’s attention and
interest throughout, and gives a clear picture of the importance of an apparently ordinary place
in a child’s life. The appeal to the reader is confidently controlled through the changing stages
and moods of the piece.
The variation in the tone, which is achieved through variety in the sentence structure as well as
the content, has an impact on the reader. The piece opens with a series of short sentences which
are, in effect, instructions to the reader on how to follow the route to the friend’s garden.
Inclusion of details helps the reader picture the route (past the postbox and past the Pub; the old
brick wall covered with moss; a dustbin just high enough to step onto). The dog which plays an
important part at the end of the description is introduced at this point.
The sentence structure changes at the end of the first paragraph. After the short sentences which
effectively mark the stages of the journey, longer sentences are used to describe the scene on
arrival in the garden. The purring cat and the image of the pine tree which looks as if ... [it] is
stroking the cat are particularly evocative at this point, adding to the sense of having arrived in a
place which gives great pleasure to the child, after a hazardous journey.
The second paragraph changes the tone completely. The introduction of the narrator’s brothers
into the description clearly signals a problem to come. The two short sentences which end the
piece effectively convey sadness at the loss of the secret route.
The control of sentence structure and imaginative expression, the skilful organisation of content
with its consequent impact on the reader, and the high level of technical accuracy place this
piece at above level 6.
Marks
Composition 8
Presentation 5
355 | P a g e
167. Diary
Level 3
18th March 1999

Im nerves I love this house and my friends I didn’t won’t to move. The forest behind my house
was changing and thats when we have acorn fights.
I love my big garden and my pond please let this be a dream. I have to do one last thing I had to
say bye to my friends. As we was driving down the road I started to cry I closed my eyes I
could’ent look.
19th March 1999

This big house dosen’t fell like home it’s so dark I don’t now anyone. I feel so scared when I got
to school I don’t know anyone.
The gardens so big, dad started to build a pond and mum started to dig up the weeds and I’m
trying to make friends. I miss my friends.
Now I made a friend and I fell at home and the new pond is finished and the garden looks grate
but I steel miss my friends.

The writer’s attitude to the move is prominent throughout and some observations appropriate to
the diary form are included (1 love my big garden and my pond please let this be a dream).
Some specific details are described and link the different parts of the writing (dad started to
build a pond). Entries are distinguished by the appropriate use of dates and paragraphing,
although in the second entry, the final sentence suggests comment at a later point in time,
following the move (Now I made a friend). Although this piece contains narration in the past
tense (The forest behind my house was changing), and development is lacking, the inclusion of
appropriate reflection suggests that it just meets the criteria for 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
Sentences are mainly simple with many short phrases beginning with the personal pronoun, I.
This is used effectively at times, to give emphasis to feeling (1 closed my eyes I could’ent look),
but repetition (I don’t now anyone) weakens the piece at times. Detail of simultaneous events is
successfully conveyed through the use of an adverbial phrase (As we was driving down the
road), although simple connectives predominate.
4 marks
Punctuation
There is evidence of some understanding of sentence demarcation in this piece, with full stops
and capital letters used appropriately, although in places, sentences run on. The single comma
used in the script is incorrectly placed and many short phrases lack punctuation. There are some
instances of apostrophes to signal omission being used appropriately.
4 marks
356 | P a g e
168. Diary
Level 3
14/3/99
Today I got some awful news. My Mum and Dad told me, “Martin we are going to move house.”
Now my first reaction was where to, so I decided to ask my Mum and Dad,
“Where to” and they replyed,
“Westford.” Then I knew I could not see my friends again. So I told my Mum and Dad how I felt I
said,
“If we move to Westford I will miss my friends Chris and Rob.” They knew how I felt, and told me
when they were my age, how they had move and it turned out fine. And after a bit I said,
“I will go.” We are going in two weeks, so I’m best to go and help pack.
11/4/99
Sorry I haven’t written for a bit, but I’ve been a bit busy, trying to fit in at Westford. I’ve got lots of
friends, and I see my friends from Denport on weekends. The teachers at my new school are
very kind its a bit better than Denport. I’m glad I decided to move. Got to get my home work
done, then I’m playing football with my new friends.

This piece begins with a statement establishing context (Today I got some awful news), and
suggesting the writer’s feelings. Initially, details of the move and the writer’s response are
conveyed through dialogue and the narration of events, rather than reflection upon them. The
first entry does, however, end with an appropriate reference to immediate circumstances (I’m
best to go and help pack), and this is maintained in the second entry. Consistency between the
two entries is supported by references to the locations concerned (If we move to Westford I will
miss my friends / I see my friends from Denport on weekends). The inclusion of feeling and the
appropriate structuring of the two parts of the writing, lead to an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
The writer uses an informal style, incorporating some short phrases in note form, which are
particularly suited to diary writing (Got to get my home work done). Simple connectives are
used to link events (so, and) and a conditional clause (If we move to Westford) is used in the
imagining of future circumstances. The vocabulary is generally simple, and sometimes includes
story-like language (replyed).
4 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences in this piece are correctly demarcated, and there is some appropriate use of
commas to separate clauses (Sorry I haven’t written for a bit, but I’ve been a bit busy) and also
to punctuate speech. The speech-like elements of the writing provide opportunities for
apostrophes to be used, and these are included successfully to signal omission.
5 marks
357 | P a g e
169. Diary
Level 4
Saturday 22nd May, 1999. Today is really sunny, but I don’t care about that because my
parents told me that we are moving to a new house tomorrow. I haven’t seen it yet. I’m so
excited but nervous. I just can’t wait. This is my first house move. I’ve been in the house I’m in
now for eleven years.
I’m worried about the school I go to. I might not make any friends or I could get bullied or the
teacher might hate me, and I’ll miss all of my friends espessually my best ones. Well it’s not too
bad because I got everyone’s phone number and I gave them mine.
It’s going to be really depressing when I leave. My brother hates the house that we are in he
can’t wait to leave. I can’t explain how I feel. There’s this thing in me that makes me keep on
smiling and then I get really sad. What if I have a tiny garden and what if the house is small?
It’s now 7.00pm I want to get an early night sleep so the time will go quickly. My dad’s put the
television in a box and my stereo so I am so bored. All I can do is sleep. Before I sleep I’ve got
to say, this feels like a dream and I have no idea what the house looks like or any thing, I’ll write
tomorrow and tell you about the house goodnight.
Sunday 23rd May 1999. Today is the big move I’m in the back of the car. My sisters listening to
her walkman and my brothers playing his gameboy. They both are so annoying. I keep asking
my dad, ‘How long have we got left’ he just says only a little while. I think this is it. Yes this is it.
It’s georgus. Wish me luck. It’s massive there are loads of flowers around the house, roses
tulips, dafidils and lots more. Ok I’m going to go in I’ll write more later once I’ve explored.
Sorry it’s been five hours. Anyway it’s beautifull. I’ve got a massive room. I don’t have to share
one with my sister. We’ve all got are own rooms. I’ve got to tell you about the garden. Well it’s
about one kelometer long and about one hundred meters wide. I’m not joking. There’s a pond
with twenty goldfish in. My dad also got me the internet its really fun. There’s nothing else I can
say it’s amasing I’ve got butterflys in my stomache. There is one thing. The road is so quiet so
I’m allowed to play football, ride my bike and play tennis on the street. I hope that the school is
going to be fun. Well that’s tomorrow. Ok got to go now bye.

The writer distinguishes clearly between the diary entries, and establishes the context before,
during and after the move. Consistency is maintained through reference to specific concerns
(What if I have a tiny garden) and their outcome after the move (I’ve got to tell you about the
garden). The personality of the writer is presented through descriptive and expressive
statements (I’m so excited but nervous. I just can’t wait). The second entry contains some
description, hut also becomes an account of events as they happen (I think this is it. Yes this is it.
It’s georgus) rather than reflection at a later point. Movements in time are signalled
appropriately through the use of paragraphing. Overall this piece conveys a strong sense of the
identity of the writer and the impact of the events reported. This feature, and the detail provided
in the first entry in particular, suggest that the writing merits the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
358 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
The writer makes confident use of speech-like forms (Well it’s not too bad because I got
everyone’s phone number and I gave them mine), and establishes an informal tone in both
entries (there are loads of flowers). The use of idiomatic phrases (an early night sleep)
emphasises this feature. Some comments are made in note form, as appropriate to diary writing
(got to go now) and more complex constructions, including subordination, are used to
incorporate commentary at times (Before I sleep I’ve got to say, this feels like a dream).
Vocabulary choices (massive, amasing) develop descriptive and expressive detail in places, but
there is a lack of variety overall, with some repetition (for example, so excited, so bored, so
annoying). The movement between recounting of recent events, present reflection upon them
and speculation about the future, is controlled effectively through the manipulation of tense.
5 marks
Punctuation
Sentence demarcation is mostly sound in this piece, with the combination of short sentences and
some complex constructions being controlled through the use of commas. In a few places,
particularly towards the end of the piece, sentences run together without appropriate
punctuation. Apostrophes are used accurately for most instances of omission, and there is one
example of the correct use of a possessive apostrophe (everyone’s).
5 marks
170. Diary
Level 5
This morning I woke up; suddenly remembering that today was the last day. It’s not all bad —
apart from leaving my best friend (Jen) an hour and a halfs drive away, and going to a new
school — I mean, I am so glad to be leaving this dump of a house. Ok, I’ve seen some happy
times hear but everywhere you walk the floor creaks (this has been not very handy — espeically
when you are trying to get a midnight snack!), the next door neibous always are complaining
about really stupid stuff, and there is the dog across the road. It’s a ‘Great Dane’ and boy, it is
scary, sometimes it keeps you awake for hours on end.
By the way, a booklet about my ‘new school’ came in the post this morning; it looks a great
school. It was everything I expected it to be — one problem (this was the only thing that threw
me) the school is the 10th biggest in Britain. There are over 4,000 pupils.
Naturly Mum and Dad had a look through — not as thorough as mine though — and they said
that Jen had invited me for lunch. What a lovely surprise — I had been meaning to say goodby
to her. She was one of the three things I was going to miss the most.
My parents were really busy all morning; I just sat up in my bedroom drawing Jen and her dog
‘Max’. At twelve o’clock Jen called on me; we decided to go to the park together, for the last
time. There were hardly any geese there — for once. We had a wonderful time and although I
hated it when we had to say goodby to each other, on our doorstep, luckily she promised to visit
me.
359 | P a g e
Right now I’m sitting up in my bed. Everything looks so bare, nothing looks like it should do —
hundreds of boxes piled up: even my window I could not see! Tomorrow I am going to cry my
heart out. Well I’d better be going.
Goodnight.
Morning, well today had to come — it had to. I’m nice and warm in my new bed I love this new
house: I’ll tell you about it later.
Last night I did not sleep a wink — not Iitterally. I got about a 5 hour sleep. When Mum gently
woke me up, I thought in my dream that there was a earthquake! Eventually I got up, the
removal men had already come, and believe me I was in no cheery state of mind. To be honest,
I was really worried: for all I new my new school could be diabolicle. Jen might not visit me, and
what if I didn’t make any new friends? Mum carmed me down with some nice warm toast, and a
drink of squash. Eventually I mumbled to Dad that I would be waiting in the car. Here I cried and
cried, I was so anious.
I think, (Mum and Dad also confirmed) that I fell asleep; I woke up, and it was dark, I noticed
that we turned right.
“Are you awake now dear?”, Mum asked.
“Yes” I said.
“Oh bye the way, we are just going up our new road!” Dad cried.
When (a few minutes later) we drew up by the house — there was a street lamp just outside it
— I looked and saw one of the nicest houses I had ever seen. When we went inside it even
smelled nice. I have got the biggest bedroom — it has even got an un-suite.
Better be going! Bye.

In this lively piece, the diary writer records the twists and turns of her feelings during the move.
In the first entry, the events of the final day lead to reflection on the advantages and
disadvantages of moving. Key events — such as the arrival of the new school’s booklet, and a
last outing with a best friend — provide focus for the expression of emotion (We had a
wonderful time and although I hated it when we had to say goodby), although some comments
are overlong and lack control of pace. Events are less clearly established in the second entry, but
nevertheless the writer manages to provide connections with the first entry which suggest her
changing reactions to events (for all I new my new school could be diabolicle. Jen might not
visit me). Although the ending appears rushed, the conversational manner, strengthened by the
confiding asides (believe me I was in no cheery state of mind) is maintained throughout.
Overall, this piece merits an award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
A casual tone, appropriate for a personal diary, is suggested through the use of speech-like
phrases at the start of sentences (I mean..., By the way..., Right now...). Connections between
sentences are developed by the use of pronouns (it, this), and statements are elaborated by
words and phrases to convey opinion (What a lovely surprise). Changes in tense are handled
with confidence, with the present tense used to represent thoughts at the immediate time of
writing (I’m sitting up in my bed).
6 marks
360 | P a g e
Punctuation
Dashes and brackets are used effectively to vary the pace of sentences, and interject new
thoughts or information. In addition to the accurate use of commas, a semi-colon and a colon
are inserted to create relationships such as contrast between different parts of sentences (My
parents were really busy all morning; I just sat up in my bedroom). Exclamation marks
occasionally replace full stops, for emphasis.
7 marks
171. Letter
Just below level 3
414 redwood RD
Turnham
South burton
TS2 3GA
Dear Information Service,
Please identify this amazing creature for me. It has a big brown hairy body and a small head
that is blue and hairy and it jumps up on its head it has 4 white tenticals & big stary eyes with 6
small ginger eyebrows. The creature eats a lot of little creatures sometimes. it has got about
1,000 green, blue, pink and orange legs. It moves very quickly. On its body is a purpul hair and
right in the middle of its head is a small black nose but no eyes.
Please can you tell me what it is.
Yours sincealy
Sally Marsh
Thank
You!

This writer uses the phrases given in the prompt to begin a brief, predominantly visual
description of the creature’s attributes. There are attempts to point out a range of features, and
some details are included (big stary eyes, small ginger eyebrows), but other statements are
contradictory (but no eyes). Contextual information which might help the reader (for example,
the relative size of the creature, or where it was found) is omitted. Some observations refer to
the creature’s behaviour, but they are disjointed and general (The creature eats a lot of little
creatures). Layout features such as the sender’s address, and the conventional end greeting are
mainly appropriate to the format of a letter. Overall, this piece meets the criteria for 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
Many sentences introduce descriptive information simply (It, It has) with little variation. In
places, a further level of detail is established by means of expansion within the phrase (big
brown hairy body). Locational phrases are occasionally employed to guide the reader through
the description (On its body), but little use is made of connectives other than and to link pieces
of information together.
2 marks
361 | P a g e
Punctuation
Just over half the sentences in this piece are demarcated with full stops and capital letters.
Although punctuation within the sentence is sparse, commas are used to separate elements of a
list, and to present a number in numerical form (1,000).
4 marks
172. Letter
Level 3
53 Rosewood Street
Tonwich deene
Td8 5Rg
28.4.99
Dear Information service,
Please identify this amazing creature for me. It has green eyes, green skin and it is shaped like
a fox. It has two black feet and two white feet. It is living in my garden and in the field behind my
house. It has been chewing everything up in the garden. I have put food down, like bread, dog
food and water down as well. I have built a little shelter in the garden for him but when its cold I
bring him in to the consevtrey and make him a bed there. And it is friendly and I am not to shore
to let it in my house or not. I don’t want him disstroyed. I would like to keep him as a pet. Please
get back to me.
Yours faithfully
Miss D Hart
PS If you want to come and have a look at him you can. Just give me a ring on 367137 or
221426 and find out when. I’m look fourward to hearing from you.

This piece includes appropriate features of the letter form, with information about the creature
followed by a suitable closing appeal (Please get back to me). Points are brief but there is some
logical ordering of descriptive statements relating to appearance, habits and behaviour. Details
of the writer’s concerns and intentions (1 don’t want him disstroyed. I would like to keep him as
a pet) add interest and provide relevant information. However, the context of the sighting is not
explained, and details of the creature are not developed. Layout conventions for the address,
opening and closing greetings, and a postscript are used correctly. The use of basic
organisational features and awareness of the purpose of the letter justify the award of 12 marks.
12 marks
362 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
Sentences are mainly short, with connectives (and, but) used to link ideas in some cases. The
repetition of it has and it is, and inconsistencies in the use of pronouns (it, him), weaken
reference in this piece. However, the movement between descriptions of ongoing conditions (It
is living in my garden), and the writer’s future desires (I would like to) indicate some control of
tense. Vocabulary is simple, with adjectives used to describe colour, and with a few precise
terms used to give appropriate detail (shelter, consevtrey, disstroyed). Variation in the address
to the reader weakens the writing, with formal statements and more speech-like constructions
(Just give me a ring) included.
4 marks
Punctuation
Most of the sentences in this piece have been correctly demarcated with full stops and capital
letters. Commas are used for listing and to separate clauses (I have put food down, like bread,
dog food). There are examples of apostrophes being used correctly to signal omission.
5 marks
173. Letter
Level 4
7 Chester Avenue,
Selham
North Vale
N351 5SJ
Dear Information service,
I have got this strange animal or creature, should I say, at home and I haven’t got a clue what it
is. I found it by a lake just watching ducks. I used to walk past it every day on my way and back
from school. Then I decided, one day, that I would take it home.
I would like you to identify it if you can but I don’t blame you if you can’t because I have looked
in every book about animals at home on the Encyclopedia on my computer and have found
nothing, I just call it a weired looking animal from out of space. I will give a description as best I
can.
It has big green fluffy ears, horns which are a yellowish colour, a small green and red striped
body, a red face, with a round nose and black and white spotted legs, which I find most unusual.
It also has wings like a fly, but they are about ten times bigger, its face is shaped just like a dog
but it can’t be a dog because dogs don’t have horns and wear glasses.
Only on Monday did I realise what sort of noise the animal, or strange creature from outer space
made. It sounded like a donkey, horse, cow, cat and dog all put together. Now do you find that
unusual? I would like you to tell me if its an aliens pet, if there are aliens, or just an unusual
animal which has been on earth for years. Please, if you can, tell me what it is.
Yours sincerly
Luke Wetherby
363 | P a g e
The organisation of this letter supports the purpose for writing, with an appropriate opening
statement followed by points presented in logical order, and a closing request. The writer
provides the context of the sighting and the background to the request (I have looked in every
book about animals at home on the Encyclopedia on my computer and have found nothing). The
physical features of the creature are described in a lively fashion, although information about
behaviour or feeding is not included. Comments expressing the writer’s opinion (which I find
most unusual) and addressing the recipient directly (Now do you find that unusual?) are
effectively integrated within descriptive passages. The piece meets the criteria for 15 marks
because of the inclusion of some relevant information and commentary, competently organised
within the letter form.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
A polite, informal tone is established in this letter, and the writer conveys a sense of being
intrigued by the discovery (I have got this strange animal or creature, should I say, at home and
I haven’t got a clue what it is). There are several examples of the control of subordination to
enable comment, or expansion (I would like you to tell me if its an aliens pet, if there are aliens,
or just an unusual animal). Some speech-like constructions are used at times (I just call it a
weired looking animal from out of space). The placement of adjectives before or after the
subject (It has big green fluffy ears, horns which are a yellowish colour) and the use of
adverbials (Only on Monday did I realise) give variety to the writing.
6 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences in this piece are punctuated accurately. The informal style is supported by the
use of commas to separate clauses (Please, if you can, tell me what it is), but there are also
examples of incorrect usage. There is some evidence of the appropriate use of omissive
apostrophes.
5 marks
174. Letter
Level 5
Dear Information Service,

I have just found a little animal that I would like to keep as a pet, but no one seems to know
what it is. My family all act in a peculiar manner, shouting and screaming, so I thought perhaps
you might be able to tell me what he is and how to look after him.
I found him in my washing machine, to my surprise, eating a sock. Since then I’ve found he likes
to eat dutch cheese and carrots, (also enjoys the odd cabbage), and drinks, also to my surprise,
water dashed with vineger and salt (don’t ask me how I found out).
364 | P a g e
He is a very friendly fellow. He enjoys games and long walks, though I must say he looks rather
queer. His feet are shaped like a dogs, but red and scaly like a hen’s. He has bright green fur
except on his belly, which is covered in yellow feathers. His head is flabby like a pug’s with pop
out blue eyes and a toothy (white) grin. He barks like a dog, and purrs like a cat. His tail is like a
dog’s, only curled up into a snail shape. I’ll give you his measurements — one inch high and
three inches long (he doesn’t mind pockets). I do so hope you will be able to tell me how to care
for him, so far I have given him a little bow tie (he does look rather fetching) for a collar. I feed
him his food from a doll’s dish (I’m glad those dolls are good for something)
I will need to know:

What vet to get
What food to give him (likewise drink)
How to groom (I am using a toenail brush)
And Where to let him sleep. (Empty box of long matches, padded with — yes, you guessed it! a
doll’s pillow!)
Many thanks for your help.
Yours sincerly
Vivian Black

In this skilfully written piece, the writer adopts an amused but polite tone which is sustained
throughout the three sections of the letter. The introductory paragraph establishes the
circumstances of the find (I found him in my washing machine, to my surprise, eating a sock)
and develops the reason for the letter in the contrast between the writer’s attitude to the creature,
and that of her family (a little animal that I would like to keep as a pet; My family all act in a
peculiar manner, shouting and screaming). Further details of the creature’s unorthodox eating
habits follow logically. The second paragraph gives a well ordered description of the creature
and the inclusion of details, often using comparative images (like a hen’s), adds emphasis.
There is a controlled change of pace as the piece concludes with a list summarising the writer’s
perceived needs. Overall, the consistency of tone and awareness of the reader lead to an award
of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
Carefully chosen phrases combine to suggest the letter writer’s attitude (peculiar manner;
friendly fellow; I must say; rather fetching), and precise vocabulary develops the description of
the creature (scaly, flabby, pug’s). Complex constructions are used to connect information
within the sentence (on his belly, which is covered in yellow feathers). A variety of first and
third person sentences helps to maintain interest, and changes in tense are handled confidently
to refer backwards and forwards in time (I found him, I will need).
6 marks
365 | P a g e
Punctuation
Commas are used extensively within complex sentences to separate phrases and vary the pace.
In addition, a wide range of other sentence punctuation is employed with accuracy, including
omissive and possessive apostrophes (don’t, dog’s), brackets, a dash and a colon. Underlining
and exclamation marks provide occasional emphasis.
7 marks
175. Letter
High Level 5
Church Drive,
Southwood
Farby
FB61 3UB
21 April, 1999
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to ask if you can identify a strange animal I have seen in my back garden. I have
looked through a number of books, but it is not included in any. If you can find out, please mail
me at the above address. An accurate description is as follows.
The animal had a green body, covered in scales. The head and tail were identical in colour, but
the legs are of a slightly darker complexion, and covered in fur. It stood about five centimetres
high, and measured approximately fifty centimetres head to tail. On the head there were two
eyes, both of which were a deep red with black pupils. It did not have a clearly defined mouth,
and also appeared to lack any form of nose or nostrils. The tail was long and thin, probably as
much as thirty centimetres long and one centimetre in diameter, although the latter
measurement varied from place to place.
The animal’s behaviour was very interesting too, again, an accurate description follows. It
seemed to eat almost everything − when I went out into the garden earlier today, there were
several small holes near the bottom of my garden shed, which I presume were caused by it.
Although this was apparent, the creature seemed to particularly enjoy nibbling the grass and
other vegetable matter. It seemed to keep well away from direct sun, and was apparently much
more at home in deep shade.
I first saw this strange creature about a week ago, lying in the shade under my large conifer
tree. When I went outside to have a closer look, the animal bolted under a fence into next door,
which is now deserted. Over the following week I saw it on many instances, but could not once
get close enough to take a photograph. After six days of this, the creature dashed into the
deserted house once again, and on the seventh day (exactly a week after I had first seen it) the
creature did not return.
I am most curious to know anything you may be able to find out.
Thank you for your services.
Yours faithfully,
Robert Anderson
366 | P a g e
A direct but polite request for information introduces this carefully structured piece, in which a
creature found in the garden is the focus of interest. The letter writer’s methodical approach to
the problem, suggested by his initial attempts to identify the creature (I have looked through a
number of books), is convincingly developed by two paragraphs of controlled description. In the
first, the writer moves confidently from the general to the specific, describing the animal
systematically (The tail was long and thin, probably as much as thirty centimetres). In the
following paragraph, the writer builds up a minutely observed, dynamic picture of the creature’s
habits (It seemed to keep well away from direct sun). The piece ends with an account of the
writer’s failed attempts to photograph the animal, which justifies the necessity for written detail.
Overall the skilful and controlled development, and the consistency of tone, supported by the
layout of the piece, lead to an award of 21 marks.
21 marks
Grammar
Style
Complex sentences are skilfully managed so as to link information with precision (there were
two eyes, both of which were a deep red). Vocabulary is used to provide animated description of
the creature’s habits (nibbling the grass; bolted under a fence). The formal, objective tone of the
letter is sustained by means of impersonal phrasing (there were several small holes) and the use
of passive constructions (were caused by it).
7 marks
Punctuation
Almost without exception, sentences are correctly demarcated with full stops and capital letters.
Within the sentence, commas are used effectively to separate clauses and phrases. Initial capital
letters are included correctly in the address and the letter greetings, and an apostrophe is used to
denote possession.
6 marks
176. Trapped
Just below level 3
One day me and John was walking past a ware house. But we did not no it belongs
to someone across the road from John. So one day we went to see what its like so
they went throw the door and a pile of wood stops them getting out. John Said “I
can’t breath in hear lets go.” But we got trapped. Johns friend is going to knock it
down today and John rembered. “My mum and Mr Ryan saying that this ware
house is going to be knocked down so we must get out.” “your right”. So they
stareted shouting. Then People came to knock it down and they heard and when
they got out he said “I’m never doing that agane.” “Me to”.
367 | P a g e
This story consists of a simple sequence of events which follow on from a brief conventional
opening (One day) through to the complicating event and resolution. The inclusion of dialogue
adds interest to the piece (I can’t breath in hear). However, characters appear without
background detail or description. The action proceeds at pace, with some linking of
circumstance to establish cause and effect relationships (Johns friend is going to knock it down
today and John rembered), although how the characters become trapped is not clear. The writer
begins the narration of events in the first person, but this is not maintained throughout, leading
to some difficulty in the identification of participants. The establishment of the basic elements
of story structure, but without character development and descriptive detail, makes this piece a
best fit for the criteria at 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
Sentence structures are mainly simple in this piece with connectives (So, But, and) used to link
events. Some variation in tense is evident in both narration and dialogue, as a means of referring
forwards to possible circumstances (this ware house is going to be knocked down so we must get
out), and of establishing existing conditions. There is some development of information
achieved through expansion (for example, prepositional phrases, past a ware house; across the
road from) but the piece lacks variety and is characterised by the repetition of simple
vocabulary (went, get).
2 marks
Punctuation
At least half the sentences are correctly punctuated with full stops and capital letters. Proper
nouns are capitalised (John, Mr Ryan) and some understanding of the function of speech marks
is evident.
4 marks
177. Trapped
Level 3
It was the ninth of June. Paul and David got out of bed, got dressed and ran downstairs. They
both sat at the table waiting for breakfast then Mum said “Wheres that trophy that was on the
mantel piece?”
“Dad put it up in the loft two days ago”, exclaimed Paul eating his toast. Mum said “can you get
it from the loft David?” “Of course I can mum”.
Later that morning Paul and David went up to the loft, and they searched high and low for
Davids medal. Suddenly Paul said “Look it’s over there!” “But it’s past the three broken beems. I
can’t reach it”. “Aghhh!” Suddenly they were bothe trapped in a dark dusty hole in the beems.
They could not get out. Mum called up the stairs “Are you all right?”
They replied “No!”
368 | P a g e
But their mum miss heard them. She thought they said yes. So she carried on with some chours
and turned on the hoover.
Then thy started to shout ‘HELP, HELP”! but it was no good. They started to see if they could
get out but they couldn’t.
“HELP, HELP!” She suddenly heard them. She ran up the stairs “HELP!”, then she ran up the
lader. She saw the torch light. She got them out with the medal. Then they went back down
together. At lest they had the medal.

A domestic setting is used effectively as the background to the key event in this story.
Interaction between the three participants is integrated within the timeframe of a morning and
the single chosen location (ran downstairs; Mum called up the stairs). Events are organised
competently into beginning, middle and end, and there is a simple concluding statement (At lest
they had the medal). However, the resolution of events is handled very briefly (She got them out
with the medal). Dialogue is used successfully to present character and the response to dramatic
events (“...1 can’t reach it”; “Aghhh!’), but description of physical or personal characteristics is
underdeveloped. Some attempt is made to create tension and the plight of the characters is
commented upon (but it was no good). Overall, the organisation of this piece and the handling
of dialogue and action, place it securely within the criteria for 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
This story is written consistently in the third person, and speech is successfully integrated into
the past tense narration. Sentences are largely simple with several single clause statements, and
also some use of subordination to add circumstantial information (waiting for breakfast). Some
words and phrases show an awareness of effects appropriate to story action (exclaimed, high
and low). In the second half of the piece, in particular, the quick succession of events is
presented with repetitive sentence openings (She).
4 marks
Punctuation
The punctuation of sentences is secure in this piece, with full stops, question marks and
exclamation marks being used appropriately at sentence endings. In some instances, commas are
used accurately to separate clauses, and inverted commas are used to mark direct speech.
Capital letters are employed to give emphasis to exclamations (HELP!)
5 marks
369 | P a g e
178. Trapped
Level 4
“Laura,” Tina called as she climbed down the porthole, “are you going to come or not!”
Laura and Tina are on holiday in the mountains. It’s 12 o’clock and they’ve just had lunch. “Are
you sure you know this place?” she said.
“Like the back of my hand. Hurry up!” They went down a small tunnel. “You’ll have to bend
down on this bit” Tina shouted, and a louder echo came rushing back at them. Laura screamed.
Suddenly it went rapidely down hill until they came to an old rusty door. “I haven’t been here
before maybe we took a rong turning!” She exclamed. “We!” shouted Laura. “We! No, no. You
took a rong turning. I’m just following you.” She decided to go and check it out. Once she got
inside, Laura held the door.
“Wow.” Laura heard her making stupid noises. “Gosh, Laura you should see this stuff. Look at
that.”
“What?” Laura said impachently.
“Come and see for you self.” she said. She rushed in and as she did, the old wooden door
slammed shut!
“It’s OK, we can open the door anytime we want,” said Tina. They were ok for a minute,
because there was a candle nearby on a table, but then the candel blew out. They were in pitch
black. “Open the door.” Tina yelled. “There are lights in the hall, there must be people there.”
Laura tugged at the door but it wouldn’t buge.
“We’re trapped! Thanks to you Tina,” Laura screamed. Then Tina had an idea. “You know what.
The ceilling is mud. Lets scrape through it.”
“That could take years” Laura said sarcastacly.

“Well you haven’t come up with any bright ideas.”
So they started to scrape through the ceiling, and there was a flash of sunlight as they got to the
top. Tina gave Laura a shove as she climbed out and she saw some boys and girls playing
football nearby. She helped Tina up and they ran back home without stopping, exept for Laura
saying, “Next time, I’m telling you the way!”

This lively narrative focuses closely on the interaction between the two characters through
whose relationship events are presented, with dialogue used to reinforce this feature. The story
is briefly contextualised with participants and circumstance, (Laura and Tina are on holiday in
the mountains) and information is conveyed as the characters interact. The pace of action is
swift, and the complicating event occurs rather abruptly (Suddenly it went rapidely down hill).
The series of incidents leading up to the escape also occur in quick succession, with some
randomness (the old wooden door slammed shut; the candel blew out), rather than a defined
sense of causal linkage. The story ends with speech referring back appropriately to earlier
events (“Next time, I’m telling you the way!”), but the action itself lacks development. Overall,
despite some weaknesses in pacing and detail, the maintenance of characterisation in this piece
suggests that it just merits the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
370 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
This piece features some very brief sentences, used for emphasis in direct speech (“Hurry up!”)
and to support the pace of the action (Laura screamed; They were in pitch black). In addition,
there are some complex sentences with adverbials used to indicate simultaneous events (She
rushed in and as she did...). Simple connectives dominate but some others (until, as, without)
are used in the establishment of time and circumstantial reference, and adverbs add information
about action and feeling (rapidely, impachently, sarcastacly). The tone is mostly informal and
the predominance of dialogue appears to influence the narration, with some speech-like forms
used (She decided to go and check it out).
5 marks
Punctuation
Nearly all sentences are correctly punctuated in this piece, and dialogue is marked appropriately
in most cases, with speech marks and commas. Exclamation marks, question marks and
apostrophes are also used accurately.
6 marks
179. Trapped
Level 5
“Come on Kerry!” bellowed Catherine, “we have just got to get a look at that butterfly!”
“I’m trying, I really am!” panted Kerry. Catherine was his sister and she was a far better runner
than him. They were rushing through the woods of Ribton trying desperately to identify a rare
butterfly. “There!” Catherine was pointing to the flowerbed, where the butterfly had settled. Kerry
ran towards her and had only just glanced at the creature when it fluttered away. “I nearly saw
the pattern, but it wouldn’t stay!” Kerry whined. But Catherine just ignored him. She had stopped
and was looking at the great oak tree that stood as a shelter over the flowers.
“Wow, look at those doors,” said Catherine. Kerry looked up and saw two great big doors in the
trunk of the tree, with ivy weaving in and out of the cracks. Without a word the two children
opened them and stepped in. “Would you please stop tripping me up?” asked Catherine,
“Sorry, but I can’t see a thing” whispered Kerry.
They were in darkness. Kerry kept stumbling over twigs and roots so they knew they must be in
a wood. Then suddenly Catherine gave a mighty scream and before Kerry could see what was
happening, she had vanished. He searched without light until something grabbed him from
behind. He felt himself being carried somewhere until he was thrown into a room. He banged
his head and all was black.
After an hour Kerry was wakened by Catherine.
“Catherine, your here too!”
“Shut up, I want you to meet someone”. Catherine pointed and there before Kerrys eyes stood a
dwarf. “He won’t hurt you his name is Yagerfen. He said the things that grabbed us were Grats.
And the place we are in now is called Gratland.” He stepped forward and told the children that
with their cooporation they should be able to escape. “Beware of the Queen Grat though,” he
murmered.
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Yagerfen showed them to a low window with a tree sticking out. Catherine was the first to
clamber out then Kerry, then Yagerfen. “Hey theyv’e escaped” cried a Grat. Soon all the Grats
and the Queen were chasing after them. One of the Grats grabbed them and took them down to
the royal court. The Queen shouted “Kill them!” Grats all around drew their swards and ran
towards Catherine, Kerry and Yagerfen.
The children and the dwarf weaved out and ran to the big glass doors. “Quickly, we have no
time to loose!” panted Yagerfen. They ran out and slammed the doors behind them. “It’s so
good to be back in reality,” said Catherine.
“Thank you,” said Kerry.
“No, thank you if it wasn’t for you we would still be in the dungen and probably dead,” said
Yagerfen.
And with that he bowed down and took off into the wood.

A convincing narrative world is created in this piece through the confident blending of fantasy
and realism. The context at the opening of events is presented incidentally as the characters’
actions and speeches are depicted. The discovery of doors and the entry to a different world
follow fiction conventions and demonstrate the writer’s awareness of stories in this genre.
Tension is established through the description of atmosphere and setting (They were in
darkness. Kerry kept stumbling over twigs and roots). The fantasy setting is developed through
the creation of characters and the brief embedded narrative. The movement of action towards
the return to the original setting is managed competently, and the character of Yagerfen is
effectively used to integrate both worlds in the narrative. However, the relationship between the
two principal characters lacks development in the second half of the story. Paragraphing is used
appropriately to indicate progression in time. This piece fulfils the criteria for 18 marks through
the skilful establishment of setting and characterisation, and the control of narrative sequence.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
A consistent, formal narrative style is employed in this piece, with a variety of sentence
structures and sensitive vocabulary choices contributing to the overall control of the story form.
Verbs are chosen to add detail and to promote characterisation (bellowed, panted, whined,
clamber). Concurrent events and circumstances are presented economically through embedded
structures (Kerry ran towards her and had only just glanced at the creature when it fluttered
away). The narration in the opening paragraph establishes ongoing action, complementing the
pace established in the dialogue (They were rushing through the woods of Ribton). The use of
the passive voice for the point at which Kerry is caught and becomes a victim, is particularly
appropriate (He felt himself being carried somewhere until he was thrown into a room).
6 marks
372 | P a g e
Punctuation
The fluency of this piece is supported by appropriate punctuation at the level of sentence and
clause. The dramatic effect of dialogue is enhanced by the placement of commas and the use of
exclamation marks. Most examples of dialogue are correctly marked by inverted commas, and
although there are some examples of missing apostrophes, omission is indicated in places.
6 marks
180. The Big Event

Just below level 3
I was so nervous! My heart was pounding and my legs felt like jelly. I swalloed
hard. I knew that soon the moment would come. I sat on the grass nervous as
ever. I didn’t want to run with my legs like jelly. Then the head teacher came calling
out name’s for the start of the race and then we went off. I started off slow I started
to run a bit faster. I was in first place. When I was in the last 5 metres I ran a bit
faster and I was in first place but I didnt know if I could hold it for another metre but
I did. I won I won. I went over to my parents and they gave me a big hug. I got a
gold medal. I went back for a drink and sat down. I cant blieve it. I won.

In this straightforward, first person account of winning a running race, the writer relies mainly
on the prompt wording to establish initial anxious feelings. There are a few attempts to indicate
the sports day setting (the head teacher came calling out name’s for the start of the race) but
other people and places are mentioned rather than developed. The inclusion of some detail (I
didnt know if I could hold it for another metre but I did) conveys the build-up to the win,
although the impact of this is limited by confusion in the sequence of events. The consequence
of the runner’s success in the race (I got a gold medal) is not supported by details, and while
events are structured overall into a beginning, middle and end, the lack of detail suggests the
award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
Sentences are predominantly simple with and or then used to suggest sequence, although there
are some attempts at variation (When I was in the last 5 metres). Many sentences begin
repetitively with the personal pronoun I, showing the influence of spoken language. Vocabulary
denotes some basic contrasts (slow, faster), but expression of feeling is limited to emphatic
repetition (I won I won). Tense is used predominantly to indicate events in the past.
4 marks
373 | P a g e
Punctuation
At least half of the sentences in this piece are correctly demarcated with capital letters and full
stops. However, there is no internal sentence punctuation, and while there is one example of an
exclamation mark and a correctly inserted omissive apostrophe, there is also incorrect use
(name’s).
4 marks
181. The Big Event

Level 3/4
It was an ordanary day in the holidays. I had just got out of my bed and thought to myself, today
is the day! I had just remembered it was my birthday. I was so nervous. My heart was pounding
and my legs felt like jelly. I swallowed hard. I knew the moment was going to come and it has.
I ran downstairs and shouted ‘Mum, where are my presents?’
She turned around and said, ‘Could you go to the shop for me? lve got to do some work.’
What is going on? I thought to myself. I went to my dad and said, ‘Do you know where my
presents are?’
My dad answered, ‘I don’t know what your talking about. Then he just walked away.
As I was going to the shop I thought, ‘I know, I’ll go and see Craig. So I ran over to Craigs
house and knocked on the door. He answered and said ‘Oh, Hi Baz!’ Then he ran into his house
and came out again with a playstation game. ‘This is an early birthday present,’ said Craig.
‘What do you mean early? It’s my birthday today!’ I said.
‘OK then, Happy Birthday! He answered.
After I got back from playing football with Craig, I came home. I walked into the living room, and
sitting there were my mum and dad. I said to them, ‘Why arent you giving me my presents?’
My mum then answered, It’s not your birthday yet.’

‘Yes it is!’ I snapped.
Then I ran out in anger.
I finally went to the shop. When I walked in I asked the shop keeper, ‘What day is it today?’ And
he answered ‘The 19th’.
‘Hang on. My birthdays on the 20th’ I said to myself. I suddenly realized the mistake I made. I
must have thought that today was my birthday!
374 | P a g e
This humorous account centres on the narrator’s mistaken belief that it is his birthday. The
writer encourages the reader to share the confusion, by saving the revelation until the end. After
an opening to set the scene in the house, there is a series of episodes in which the narrator tries
and fails to provoke a satisfactory reaction to his demand for presents. Exchanges between
characters are effectively managed through direct speech, and the narrator’s increasing sense of
bafflement is conveyed by an unvoiced commentary (What is going on I thought to myself).
Although the account builds to an appropriate climax, the final events appear rushed and do not
include the reactions of the other characters to the misunderstanding. Nevertheless, the use of
dialogue and the overall control of structure merit an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
A variety of question forms is used to suggest the narrator’s puzzled attitude to events (Where
are my; Do you know; What do you mean early?), and casual phrases appropriately convey
conversation within direct speech (Oh, Hi Baz!). Complex sentences with connectives help to
move events on in space and time (After 1 got back). Past and present tense is varied
appropriately to contrast the present time in the dialogue (“This is”) with the narration (I
walked).
5 marks
Punctuation
Full stops and capital letters are used to demarcate most sentence boundaries. Exclamation
marks convey emphasis, and question marks are used accurately. Commas are used to separate
phrases within sentences, particularly where dialogue begins (My dad answered, “I don’t
know”), and speech marks are appropriately placed. In places, apostrophes signal omission
correctly (It’s), although there is also incorrect use. The variety of punctuation in this piece
merits the award of 5 marks.
5 marks
375 | P a g e
182. The Big Event
Level 4/5
I was really nervous before the competition. Even though I knew I’d been practising
on the ice for a whole year, I was still nervous. I changed my clothes millions and
millions of times, but nothing felt quite right. Three more people stood in line for
thier turns, and then, it was me. I couldn’t stop worrying. “Jill Barratt,” I heard a
voice say. It was me now. I stood up, and fell straight back down again. I got up
again and I was all red in the face with people pointing at me. I finally got on the ice
and started skating I went faster and faster I could not stop. I tried to turn, but,
crash! I was right against the side, with my face redder than before, people
laughing at me as they pointed. I thought it would all be sorted out with a nice fast
twirl. Well I tryed, but I found myself slipping out of control, and guess what? I did a
backward crash into the side. I pulled myself up. What an embarrisment. I slipped
over again and again. I tryed again and again to get something right, just one
move, but every single thing went wrong. I’m not sure, but I think my mum and dad
pretended that they didn’t know me. They were just as bad as everyone else. Of
course, I lost, but I got a little trophie in the end, for being the funniest skater! Once
we were home, I just wanted to forget the whole episode. But my mum was
behaving suspicously. She came up and suddenly gave me a present, all wrapped
up and special. I thought it was a box of chocolates or something. I opened it and it
was a......Positive Thinking book!

The narrator’s experiences are related with some sense of self-mocking in this piece. The
ice-skating competition is introduced economically in the opening sentences and an immediate
impression of the narrator’s anxieties is conveyed (Even though I knew I’d been practising on
the ice..., I was still nervous). Description of the series of mishaps during the competition is
effectively integrated with detail of feelings, supplemented by some wry commentary (What an
embarrisment). Direct address to the reader promotes anticipation before an anticlimax (Well I
tryed, but I found myself slipping out of control, and guess what? I did a backward crash), and
the humorous ending is also accomplished through the use of suspense (I opened it and it was
a......Positive Thinking book!). Organisation of the build-up, detail and outcome of the story is
controlled and well paced, justifying the award of 15 marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
This piece incorporates several effective features which support the pace of events, with short
phrases and sentences used in the narration of the skating action (It was me now; I could not
stop; I pulled myself up). Connectives are used in places to indicate sequence and to contrast
effectively the narrator’s intention with the actual outcome (I tried to turn, but, crash!).
Complex constructions are used successfully at times to provide detail and to move events on in
time (Even though I knew; Once we were home), and variation in tense is handled confidently in
the reporting of and reflection upon action (I’m not sure, but I think). Some phrases are used
rather repetitively within the piece (millions and millions; faster and faster; again and again)
but the inclusion of some specific vocabulary (nice fast twirl; trophie) provides variety.
6 marks
376 | P a g e
Punctuation
Nearly all sentences in this piece are punctuated accurately and the writer employs exclamation
marks judiciously to highlight action (crash!) and for dramatic emphasis. Commas are used
correctly within sentences to separate phrases and clauses (Of course, I lost, but) and the use of
the ellipsis to heighten the impact of the closing phrase, is particularly appropriate.
6 marks
183. The Big Event

Level 5/4
Ian Davidson was in a race. It was just a running race like lots of others he has at school. But
this time if he won his school wins the County championships, and his dad would buy him a new
pair of rollerskates if he lost the race the school will be kicked out of next years championship
trials. So theres alot at stake.
“Dad I’m going to the park to do some training,”
“Sure but be back for five,” he replied.
So he jogged across the field to the park to do some training for his big day. He tried to
concentrate but all he can think about is Sammy Atkins, the boy from Leewood school. He was
the best runner in the race. At about half past four he sat and rested. After a minute to cool off
he decided to go home because he would be worn out. After all, running round the park 17
times was enough for one day.
He had some salad for tea as usual. His cholesteral was very high, but he had lost 2 pounds
doing all the training. Ian was used to this routiene.
Bleep Bleep Bleep. That was his alarm clock and today was the day. He had one less
Wheetabix than usual and a glass of water for breakfast and after a jog around the block, he
was ready to win the race.
Everybody was already in thier lanes when he arrived at the track. He was a few minutes late
but Ian just jogged to his lane and waited to be signaled off. All the schools were there shouting
out for their runners. It seemed like a long wait.
On your marks, get set, go.
He was off, running in the lane next to Sammy. They were soon ahead of the rest of them and
Ian was glad he had all that training. He saw Sammy just starting to get tired. Ian slowed down
just a little, to pace himself as he came towards the finish line, neck and neck with Sammy. He
saw the championship within reach, then all of a sudden, he tripped one meter away from the
finish line! He tripped and almost bounced off the ground, and Sammy won the race. He heard
cheers and people shouting Sammy’s name.
He got up slowly, recovering from his fall. Nobody had noticed. He had to shout so he could tell
them what had happened. “Hey Sammy tripped me up.” Nobody heard. He kept calling out
getting despereate and then
377 | P a g e
“Yes my lad I saw him too,” said the teacher in charge of the race. “Because of that, I declare
Ian the Winner,” he said over the microphone. A big roar came from the crowd because it was
the first time Ian’s school had won the championship. Ian was too tired and happy to say a
word.
The next morning he got up as usual but this time there was no need to go training.
“Dad I’m going to the park.” He put on his new skates and skated off down the road.

This narrative is focused tightly upon the experiences of the central character and his
preparation for and anticipation of a key athletic event. The opening paragraph outlines the
context of the story and suggests the key factors by which dramatic tension will be sustained (if
he lost the race the school will be kicked out of next years championship trials. So theres alot at
stake). The specific details of the character’s preparation for the race add to the realism of the
piece, with the procedures of the training regime integrated with comments which refer
forwards to the approaching event (He tried to concentrate, but all he can think about is Sammy
Atkins). Feelings are described throughout, and events are concluded with an implicit reference
back to the opening paragraph (He put on his new skates). The development of characterisation
and tension in this story, and the structuring of events, supported by paragraphing, lead to the
award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
Both simple and complex sentence structures are evident in this piece, with some shorter
sentences used for effect (for example, the opening statement (Ian Davidson was in a race).
Connectives are used to link events and to indicate contrast and provide justification (but,
because), and there is some successful use of the conditional clause (If he won the race) to
establish context. Some vocabulary appropriate to the sporting focus of the story (County
championships, trials, lane, signaled) strengthens this piece, and the writer also shows an
awareness of contrasts between the levels of formality used by different speakers (“Sure but be
back for five”; “Yes my lad”). There are some inconsistencies in tense, with the occasional use
of present tense forms within the past tense narration.
5 marks
Punctuation
Sentences are mostly accurately demarcated with capital letters and full stops, and inverted
commas are correctly used to indicate direct speech. There is some evidence of the appropriate
capitalisation of proper nouns (County, Wheetabix), and the writer also employs capital letters
for impact (Bleep Bleep Bleep). In places, commas are correctly used to distinguish elements
within sentences.
5 marks
378 | P a g e
184. Account
Below level 6
The merchant rode up to the palace and dismounted in amazement. The doors and windows
were lined with gold the bricks were made out of a silver gleaming kind of stone, and the roof,
well you couldn’t see the roof since so much light reflected off it.
He took a step inside and gasped in amazement the inside was even more beautiful than the
outside. The merchant took a moment to take it all in before he realised how hungry he was. He
wanderd the house looking at what seemed to be infinate rooms. Eventually he found a room
with a table set with the biggest and most wonderful looking feast.
He called around looking for someone but after a few goes at finding someone he sat down and
ate the best meal of his life, a feast in fact with 10 kinds of meat, 12 vegetables, 30 different
wines, and 24 different puddings.
The merchant went upstairs and looked for a place to rest for the night. He tried the first door he
came to and found it to be a bedroom that looked like it had been made for him. He put his
belongings on a chair and laid down to rest for the night.
When he woke up he realised that his clothes had been taken and replaced with better ones.
He pulled them on and found them to fit perfectly. He then wanderd downstairs in search of
breakfast. He remembered the room in which he dined last night and searched, eventualy he
found it.
The table was once again set with all the breakfast foods. He sat down and ate, he ate well. He
then walked outside, looking for the stables, he saw them and headed that way. On his way he
came across a rose bush and remembered his daughter’s wish. He checked to see no one was
looking and picked a rose.
Commentary
This account has a good sense of structure; the writer is successful at moving the story on and
the constituent parts are well balanced. However, the writing is focused almost entirely on
events and there is little attempt to describe the merchant’s thoughts, feelings and reactions. The
opening paragraph develops the ornate appearance of the exterior of the house hut this level of
description is not employed to create the same impression of the interior. The magnificence of
the feast is limited to a list of dishes and the merchant’s new garments are not described.
There are some lapses in consistency of style. A mainly impersonal tone is employed, hut the
writer addresses the reader directly at one point in the opening paragraph, and the informal
language (a few goes) is inappropriate.
Although the meaning is generally clear, sentence structure is not particularly secure. For the
most part simple sentences are used, sometimes linked with and. There is also some
awkwardness of expression (a silver gleaming kind of stone; set with all the breakfast foods).
This detracts from other attempts to structure information in order to create a more interesting
effect (He sat down and ate, he ate well).
The writer has not used the width and richness of vocabulary suggested by the prompt and
spelling is not always accurate (wanderd, infinate, eventualy) although elsewhere words of
similar difficulty arc spelled correctly.
379 | P a g e
A limited range of punctuation is employed and there is also inconsistency in its use. Commas
arc used to demarcate clauses and phrases but they are also omitted. The apostrophe is
sometimes used correctly.
Although the writing has an overall shape and is true to the paragraph prescribed in the prompt,
its weaknesses place it in the below level 6 category.
Marks
Composition 3
Presentation 1
185. Themed
Below level 6
The merchant is picking roses for Beauty when Beast discovers him.
Beast: Why do you pick my roses, after all I have given you? For this you must die.
Merchant: I’m so sorry, I was only picking them to keep a promise to my daughter. Please
don’t kill me.
The Beast stands, looking thoughtful.

Beast: You may take the roses, but in return your daughter must come here to live.
Merchant: Yes, yes. I will go home and fetch her for you.
The merchant sets off home very grateful
Merchant: Hello daughters here are your gifts. And for you my dear Beauty, roses, just as you
asked.
Beauty: Why thank you father. I was very anxious about you when you didn’t return last
night. What happened to you?
Merchant: Ah well I was coming home and I decided to take a shortcut through a forest as it
was getting dark. Suddenly I was lost. I couldn’t find my way. I was getting very
woried when I stumbled across a large house. I found food, a bed and new clothes
for me. The mansion belonged to a Beast and the next morning, just before I left, I
saw a bed of roses and remembered my promise to you. I was picking you a bunch
when the Beast came up on me. He was going to kill me when I explained to him
who they were for. He let me take the flowers and live if I take you there to stay,
forever. I agreed, but don’t be scared daughter, I have no intention of keeping my
promise.
Beauty: No father. I must go. After all, a promise is a promise. Anyway he can’t be that bad,
and it must be awfully lonely, he probably just wants some company. I’ll go for a
visit, I’m sure he’ll let me come back again.
Merchant: No, he definately said to live, and I don’t want to lose you. He doesn’t know who
we are so he won’t chase after us.
Beauty didn’t argue, but that night she went out to the stables and mounted her fathers horse.
Beauty: Take me to the Beast’s palace.
380 | P a g e
Commentary
Apart from a small piece of narrative at the end, the writer shows understanding of the play
form in practical terms of page layout and the need for dramatic tension. Beauty’s reaction to
her father’s intention to betray his promise is clear and her determination to keep to the bargain
is linked to a sympathetic understanding of the Beast’s situation. However, her character is not
developed beyond this.
One of the main weaknesses of this playscript is that the writer has not understood clearly that
the focus of the scene should be the discussion between Beauty and her father. The extract
commences with the bargain between the merchant and the Beast, which is then repeated in the
merchant’s main speech later. As a consequence, too much time is taken up with this
unnecessary exposition and the moral debate is undeveloped. Also the writer relies almost
entirely on dialogue; there are very few stage directions.
There is a reasonable, though not extensive, range of vocabulary employed hut the use of
mainly simple sentences means that much of the dialogue is stilted; a greater use of connectives
would have helped to overcome this. Sentence structure is generally correct. There is a good
level of accuracy in the use of punctuation, except for her fathers horse, and there is no
punctuation to separate introductory expressions (Why thank you; Ah well 1 was coming home)
from the rest of the sentence.
Spelling is accurate apart from waned and definately while other words of similar difficulty are
correct.
Despite a good level of attainment in the technical aspects of writing, a failure to exploit the
dramatic possibilities of the situation place this script in the below level 6 category.
Marks
Composition 3
Presentation 2
186. Account
Level 6
Or at least it was empty apart from a large table set with a magnificent banquet, in which every
dish looked deliciously tempting. He sat down at one of the seats and, suddenly feeling very
hungry, helped himself to some beautifully cooked meat and, as he was thirsty, had a gulp or
two of wine, not realising how strong it was.
Once he had finished, he started to explore his surroundings. The hail was vast. It was easily
100 metres long and 50 metres wide. On each side of the hall, there were many doors. One led
into a kitchen, another into a basement and so on. He searched until he found a door to the one
room he was looking for. A bedroom!
By now, the effects of the wine had started to take its toll, causing the merchant to begin to feel
very sleepy. He just stayed awake long enough to take off his garments and get into the bed.
He realised he had not drawn the curtains just before he fell asleep.
381 | P a g e
The next morning he was woken up by the sun shining full on his face through the window
opposite his bed. He got out of bed sleepily, only to find completely new, clean garments lying
on the bottom of his bed. He found a new pair of strong, black leather boots, a pair of stockings,
trousers, a shirt, a velvet coat and a fine new hat with a feather in it.
He walked out into the hall, and found breakfast awaiting him. This time, though, he didn’t have
anything, because he didn’t want to fall asleep on the way home.
As he went outside to the stables to fetch his horse, he looked around for somebody to thank.
But he saw no-one. In fact he had seen no-one the whole time he had been there. As he walked
his horse out of the stables, he passed some rose bushes, and he suddenly remembered his
promise to Beauty.
Commentary
The writer has acted on the guidance included in the prompt (a much more detailed account, a
sundar descriptive style) to produce an account which makes links to the printed extract. The
opening phrase picks up the word empty as a way of introducing the banquet. The narrative
moves forward by, for example, the suggestion that the soporific effect of the wine makes the
merchant too sleepy to close the curtains so that he is awakened by the morning sunlight. In the
last paragraph the reader is reminded of the solitude and emptiness of the castle.
There is an attempt to evoke the magnificence of the castle, although the descriptive style is
simple. The writer is clear about the merchant’s reactions hut these could have been developed
more fully and opportunities to explore his character in greater depth were missed.
Paragraphing is accurate and sentences are reasonably varied in structure, employing a range of
connectives (as, until, only, because). Use of other writing techniques: imagery, more
adventurous modifiers, would have given greater power to the writing.
However, its high level of technical accuracy in spelling and punctuation combined with the
strengths outlined above, just place it in the level 6 category.
Marks
Composition 5
Presentation 4
187. Themed
Just level 6
Merchant: Look Beauty you must not say this to anyone but when I went out looking for the
roses I promised you, I found some beautiful ones in the strange, lonely castle
where I had spent the night.
Beauty: Oh Father! That’s wonderful, where are they? Why can’t I tell anyone about
this?
Merchant: Beauty you don’t see, do you? When I started picking the roses I saw the owner
of the castle for the first time.
382 | P a g e
Beauty: Father, who was it? A handsome prince!
Merchant: No Beauty, far from it. It was some hideous monster. He called himself the
Beast.
Beauty: That’s awful father, what did you do?
Merchant: You see Beauty I couldn’t do anything. (Sits Beauty and himself down at the
table.) He threatened to kill me. I told this... this creature all about how I had
promised to get you the roses and... and
Beauty: Carry on father. (Beauty takes hold of her father’s hand) Carry on.
Merchant: Well then he said that I could take the roses but you either had to live with him
or I would die.
Beauty: Oh father. That’s awful. (Beauty starts crying while her father tries to hold his
tears back).
Merchant: I was so frightened, Beauty, that I told him you could live with him and I came
back to get you but ... (The merchant starts crying) Oh! I’m so sorry Beauty.
Beauty: (Beauty stops crying and tries to look brave.) Oh Father, don’t be. Just finish
what you were saying. But what?
Merchant: But.... I’m going to break my promise to that... that monster. That promise was
forced from me. We’re going to carry on living here with your two elder sisters
like nothing’s ever happened. Everything’s going to be alright.
Beauty: No Father (she blows her nose and stands up). You’ve always taught me never
to break a promise.
Merchant: No Beauty. This is different. That promise was forced from me.
Beauty: No Father. No it’s not different. I’m going to go to that... Beast’s castle
tomorrow.
Merchant: Oh Beauty please don’t go (carries on crying). Please!
Beauty: Sorry Father. I’m afraid I must.
Commentary
The author of this extract shows a good understanding of the writing of a dramatic dialogue.
The merchant’s account of the events leading up to the bargain with the Beast is interspersed
with Beauty’s questions and comments, which give variety to the dialogue, help to develop the
relationship and allow a range of reaction by both characters. The use of questions, especially,
helps to move the narrative forward. Particularly impressive is the use of dramatic irony when
Beauty asks, Father who was it~ A handsome prince!
The writer makes use of a number of other techniques used in Version 3, especially directions to
the actors, which not only give interest to the stage picture but also emphasise the closeness of
the relationship between the two characters and thus give a greater poignancy to the ending.
The main weakness is that the conflict over whether or not to keep the bargain is dealt with
superficially, and the dramatic tension inherent in the situation is not explored.
383 | P a g e
There is a good range of structures used, including simple and complex sentences, questions and
exclamations. The use of vocabulary is accurate but limited in range.
Punctuation and spelling are both accurate.
The overall quality of the writing is sufficient to place it just within the level 6 category.
Marks
Composition 5
Presentation 4
188. Account
Good level 6
The merchant slowly wandered through the house admiring the great paintings and rich
furnishings of each room. He entered a room where, to his astonishment, he found a huge table
laden with the finest of foods. At that moment he realised that he was famished. Sitting at the
head of the table he filled a plate with duck, lobster, prawn and many other expensive foods. He
ate until he could eat no more and suddenly feeling weary, he rose slowly from his chair and
went in search of a bedroom.
At last he came to one where the floor was covered in a deep plush carpet, a warm and
comforting shade of purple. He undressed, dropping his clothes in a miserable, untidy heap on
the floor. He clambered into the king-sized bed, which seemed to welcome him in its warm
embrace and slowly drifted into a deep sleep.
The next morning he awoke to the sound of birds singing in the trees outside. The sun was
shining and the merchant went to get dressed. He was amazed to find fine new clothes, fit for
an emperor, folded neatly in the place of his old rags. He dressed and made his way down a
long corridor in hope of finding the remainder of last-night’s food. When he arrived in the dining
room, the table had been changed. In place of leftovers there were hot buns, fresh juice, pots of
homemade jam, honey and best of all, eggs with bacon. He wolfed down the food hungrily.
On his way out of the house, the merchant passed some rose bushes in the garden. He
remembered his promise to Beauty and stopped to pick some. Suddenly he heard an angry
voice shouting, “How dare you pick my roses?” The terrified merchant was aghast when the
voice continued, “For this you will die!”
384 | P a g e
Commentary
This is a well written and accomplished piece of writing using a style which matches with the
original. It follows on well from the end of Version 2 and then continues to develop and extend
a number of areas. The magnificence of the Beast’s palace is further reinforced by the details of
its rich furnishings (the great paintings, a deep plush carpet, the king-sized bed). The references
to the merchant’s behaviour and feelings are thoughtful and credible and add to our appreciation
of him as a person (slowly wandered through the house; suddenly feeling weary; the terrified
merchant was aghast).
The writer uses a good range of vocabulary in a precise and imaginative way (famished,
clambered) as well as some arresting phrases (comforting shade of purple, a miserable, untidy
heap). The vocabulary is complemented by some effective imagery (the king-sized bed...
.welcome him in its warm embrace; he wolfed down the food).
Spelling and punctuation are both accurate.
The overall quality of the writing places it securely at level 6, although there would need to be
evidence of more sophisticated authorial techniques for a higher level to he awarded.
Marks
Composition 7
Presentation 4
189. Themed
Level 6
Merchant: I was leaving the palace when I saw a huge bed of roses and remembered my
promise to you. I was just about to pick a wonderful red rose for you, when a
ferocious beast arrived who threatened to kill me for picking his roses. I told him
they were for you and he said he would let me have them on condition that you
would go to live with him in his castle.
Beauty: All right, father, your life is more important (tears run down her face).
Merchant: No! I can’t let you live with that... that... monster! You are only young, you have
your whole life ahead of you. You should spend it free, not trapped in some
castle with a monstrosity like him whereas I am old and feeble.
Beauty: Father, I would rather spend eternity there, only if you can live. (sobbing)
Merchant: My dearest Beauty, if you go, this house will never be the same and I do not
know how I will cope without you!
Beauty: I’m (sniff) sure he will let me come to visit you and my home once in a while.
385 | P a g e
Merchant: I’m not so sure, he seemed as though once he had you, he would never let you
go. It’s not fair. It’s my fault for picking the rose. You must not leave the people
you love to go and live with a savage.
Beauty: But you promised father. You must keep your promise and anyway, it is my fault
for asking for roses in the first place. You wouldn’t have picked them otherwise.
Merchant: Your gift was far more important to me, than worrying where they came from. If
you go to the Beast’s palace we may never see each other again.
Beauty: Father, (sobbing) don’t worry, I’m sure I will be back.
Merchant: I love you, Beauty and I forbid you to go to that dreadful place. Anyway you
don’t know where it Is.
Beauty: I love you, Father but I must keep your promise, it’s only right.
Commentary
Although this is quite a short piece, the writer has concentrated effectively on the conflict
between Beauty and her father. The scene begins in the middle of the conversation between
them and we have to imagine the question to which the merchant’s opening speech is the
answer.
The writer has remained true to and developed aspects of both characters as depicted in Version
3. There arc examples of Beauty’s determination, willingness to sacrifice her own happiness for,
and belief in the goodness of, others while the merchant is drawn as a less sympathetic
character: self-pitying and cynical. Greater use of stage directions would have helped to enhance
the reader’s understanding of the relationship between the two characters.
The dialogue is well structured and organised, and the strengths outlined above outweigh its
occasional melodramatic quality, Its high standard of accuracy in both spelling and punctuation
also help to place it at level 6.
Marks
Composition 6
Presentation 4
386 | P a g e
190. Letter writing
Just below level 3
29 Norman Road,
5 May 98
Dear John Brown,
You are very silly because this is England not Africa where spiders a poson the reason
why the spiders buld wabs in your house is to catch food to eat.
if you were a spider you will want to catch food.
They keep gardens free of insects that might damage your plants you will have to get rid
of them your self.
It is your house.
You will need a brush and cage to put the spiders in and send them to us. Stop talking
nonsacenc.
Your
Sincerely
John
Paul
Smith.

This letter suggests that the writer is addressing Mr Brown directly, but does not give background
information or explain the reason for this response. There is some attempt to use the spider facts to
persuade Mr Brown that his fears about spiders are unfounded (the reason why the spiders buld wabs
in your house is to catch food to eat.), but other statements made in the letter do not support this
purpose or follow logically (It is your house. You will need a brush and cage...). The letter establishes
its sender and its addressee appropriately by means of conventional greetings at the beginning and end,
with the date and partial address also given. Overall, this piece merits an award of 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
Most of the sentences are statements, some of which are short and suggest direct reliance on
speech-like forms: You are very silly... / Stop talking nonsacenc. Apart from the first sentence
(because), little use is made of connectives. The overall style of the letter varies in its level of
formality. In contrast with the spoken style, phrases where information from the prompt has been used
appear less personal. Use of the pronoun they to refer back in the text is muddled (if you were a spider
you will want to catch food. They keep gardens free of insects...).
2 marks
387 | P a g e
Punctuation
Some of the sentences are demarcated by capital letters and full stops, but this is not consistent
throughout the piece. Commas are used in the address and greeting, although the writer does not use
them to separate phrases and clauses in the letter itself.
2 marks
191. Letter writing

Level 3
Dear Editor
I’m replying to John Brown’s letter about spiders. I’d just like to say that you
should’nt worry about your children because British spiders can’t harm humans.
If you did’nt have spider webs and spiders you would have lots and lots of flies
which would be more annoying and your plants would have been dead ages ago if
it was’nt for spiders because insects kill plants not spiders.
So I hope that’s answered your question mr brown, good luck with the spiders. You
should give them a break. Spiders get rid of the insects for you.
Yours sincerely
Rob Peck
205 Kings Road

Greyshire
CP46 8DQ

In addition to the use of appropriate layout conventions, this piece includes basic letter organisation
within the body of the text. There is an introductory statement in which the general reason for writing
is given, and the final section of the letter refers back to this, indicating the intention of the writer (So I
hope that’s answered your question mr brown). However, there is also some confusion of audience:
the addressee is initially the editor, but after the first sentence the writer addresses Mr Brown directly.
The points about spiders are made systematically, although they are not consistently developed, and
one is reintroduced, perhaps in an attempt to summarize. An award of 12 marks is justified because
there is a series of points relevant to the purpose, and the writer’s role is established.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
The simple connectives because and if are used to link together ideas in a logical way, although at
times the writer loses his way in the sequence of explanation. Generalising phrases (I’d just like to say,
ages ago), which express the writer’s opinion, show the beginnings of a written style. Subjects and
verbs agree within the sentences, and the writer uses conditional structures accurately (would have,
should give) throughout the piece. However, the level of formality wavers noticeably within the piece,
switching from the formal to the speech-like remark, You should give them a break.
4 marks
388 | P a g e
Punctuation
Full stops and capital letters have been used correctly in at least half the sentences in this piece. The
sentence structure breaks down in the middle section where the writer attempts to develop a series of
points without the adequate demarcation of sentences. There is some evidence of apostrophes being
used correctly, but there is also incorrect use.
4 marks
192. Letter writing

Level 4
The Spider Supporter Group

17 Centre
Minby
NN5 MX1
21st April 1998

Dear Mr Brown,
I read your letter recently, the one about spiders, in the newspaper. I myself
was once terrified of the little creatures until one day my mother made a big joke
about it by saying "Your so scared of that tiny spider but your a giant to him he’s
more scared of you than you are of him."
They are extraordinary creatures they can spin a web in an hour and when it has
been raining or snowing the webs look so pretty. It is a well known fact that British
spiders do not hurt humans (in other words they are harmless) It is not uncommon
to find their webs in your house. They keep gardens free of insects that might
damage your plants.
I would tell your children there is nothing to be afraid of, one last fact before I sign
of did you know that a spider can spin a web without learning how to do it.
Yours Sincerely
Phil Young
Chairman of the Spider Supporter Group

This piece begins well, with an introductory sentence that establishes the context and audience of the
letter. The writer seeks to persuade Mr Brown initially by means of conveying a reassuring personal
experience (I myself was once terrified of the little creatures until one day...). Further points are made
which address some issues raised in Mr Brown’s letter. However, not all of the points are developed
logically, and although there are some attempts to reinforce and explain information clearly (in other
words they are harmless), the rest of the letter relies heavily on the wording in the task information.
Appropriate layout and paragraph structure supports organisation, but the conclusion is not entirely
satisfying as it introduces an additional fact irrelevantly. Overall, the piece just meets the criteria for
15 marks.
15 marks
389 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
This letter initially adopts a warm but polite personal tone, directly appealing to the addressee by
means of personal pronouns (I myself, you). Nevertheless, this is not sustained throughout, as towards
the end of the letter there are phrases taken directly from the information in the task. Subordination is
used to add extra information within the sentence (when it has been raining or snowing...). There is
confident use of a variety of tenses (has been raining, would tell). Some phrases include expansion,
with adjectives adding precision (little, extraordinary).
5 marks
Punctuation
Most of the sentences are correctly demarcated. There is some evidence of commas used accurately,
but there is also incorrect use in the final paragraph. Other sentence punctuation includes speech
marks, a contraction apostrophe and appropriate use of brackets for parenthesis.
4 marks
193. Letter writing

Level 4
Dear Mr J Brown.
After reading your letter, I have 5 main facts about spiders that I thought you might
like to know.
Spiders get rid of house insects. Don’t worry if you find spiders or spiderwebs in
your house, it isn’t that bad.
Spiders also keep gardens free of insects that might damage plants.
It is a well known fact that spiders are delicate and are easily injured, even the
large ones, so think of them and do your best not to hurt them.
Spiders are very intelligent creatures. They know how to spin webs without
learning how to.
British spiders cannot seriously harm you, they only bite for self-defense. If you
leave them alone they’ll leave you alone.
There is no need for your children to be terrified of spiders, infact the spiders would
be way more terrified of your children than your children are of them!
I hope that now you know more about spiders that you can enjoy your garden. The
main thing is that you and your children stop worrying.
Yours Sincerely,
Jill Meed.
390 | P a g e
The writer clearly attempts to address Mr Brown’s request. This letter is organised into three sections,
with an introduction, a sequence of points, and closing sentences which make a direct appeal to the
reader. As each sentence supports the purpose of the letter, a sense of overall coherence is created. The
sequence of points adequately covers those raised in Mr Brown’s letter. In addition, some points are
developed by the writer’s addition of her own ideas or opinions (infact the spiders would be way more
terrified of your children than your children are of them!), and phrases which seek to persuade the
reader, meeting the criteria for 15 marks. The layout of the letter is appropriate, and although no
address is given, the conventional greeting and ending phrases are used.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Through the choice of phrases and vocabulary, the writer manages to sustain the tone of polite concern
introduced in the first sentence. In addition, some complex constructions are used which help to
extend meaning. Subordinate clauses are included to specify information (...that I thought you might
like to know), and some phrases are expanded to include details (...very intelligent creatures). The
connective if isused to give logical order (If you leave them alone...). Where pronouns are employed,
they are used with accuracy, and verb tenses are correct.
5 marks
Punctuation
Most of the sentences are demarcated with capital letters and full stops. Also, the use of commas
shows that the writer is beginning to separate phrases and clauses effectively within the sentence (It is
a well known fact that spiders are delicate and are easily injured, even the large ones, so think of them
and do your best not to hurt them.).
5 marks
391 | P a g e
194. Letter writing
Level 5
79 Rowley Way
Jayford
Hallham
DF78 5SW
22/4/98
Dear John Brown,
After reading the letter you sent to the local newspaper, I felt the need to assure
you that you are completely wrong about spiders.
Neither you or you children need worry about spiders. They are not dangerous at
all, because British spiders cannot seriously harm you.
As well as being completely harmless spiders are extremely helpful creatures.
They get rid of any insects in your home and in the garden, this means insects will
not damage plants and flowers.
Even though spiders may look scary, remember you are a lot bigger and a lot
stronger than even the largest spiders. Spiders are delicate and easily injured. This
means there is absolutely no reason for your children to be frightened.
You say you have found spiders webs inside of your house. If you find any spiders
in your home there are things called spider catchers you can buy, so that you can
catch them, take them outside and free them, without having to touch or go too
close to them, if you find them a little creepy.
Remember that British spiders cannot harm you, that spiders rid homes and
gardens of insects that could harm plants and flowers and that you are stronger
than even the larger spiders.
I hope that you now do not dislike and possibly even slightly like spiders, and that
you now realise how harmless and even helpful spiders are.
Yours
Michael Dodds

This writer confidently handles the organisation of information within the letter. Throughout the
introduction, series of points and concluding remarks, the needs of the reader and purpose of writing
effectively influence and inform each section. This piece securely meets the criteria for 18 marks
because of the imaginative and sustained development of the spider facts in the main body of the
letter. Here, the writer has turned the factual information given into a series of arguments which
persuasively emphasise the advantageous qualities of spiders, attempting to coax Mr Brown into
modifying his view. Finally, the concluding sentences include a summary of the main points. These
features are supported by the layout of the piece, which includes paragraphs and conventional letter
format.
18 marks
392 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
Throughout this piece, the writer maintains an appropriate level of polite formality, and also
introduces an individual tone which conveys appreciation of Mr Brown’s attitude towards spiders (if
you find them a little creepy) as well as the need to reassure him. Sentence structure is varied for
emphasis and focus, with subordinate clauses sometimes placed in front of main clauses, and the use
of passive constructions (for your children to be frightened). The level of precision is developed with
modifiers (completely, slightly). The overall sense of coherence in this piece is enhanced by the use of
back reference (them, they) which avoids unnecessary repetition.
6 marks
Punctuation
In addition to the correct demarcation of sentences, this piece includes the capitalisation of the word
British from the prompt. Commas are competently used to separate sections of information,
particularly to signal breaks between clauses in complex sentences.
5 marks
195. Leaflet
Just below Level 3
Sea World
sea worlds sharks room has interesting videos and films. you can go to the cafe to
Sea worlds splash pool is a out door swiming pool for adotes and children with two
diving bords and two slides.
sea worlds boat torelest tells all you about the rivers and the back ground.
Sea worlds fish pound has all kind of fish and you get a chance to feed them too.
Sea worlds fish tank with sharks and you get to swim with them with a super vicer.
the sea worlds cafe has all sorts of foods turkish food india food chinis food all
sorts
English food and all sorts of drinks what ever you want we have got it.
and the price is right.

This piece consists of a brief series of statements, each introducing a different part of Sea World.
Although there is some elaboration (you get to swim with them), the statements are not in any
particular order, and there is little practical information to help the reader. Nevertheless, the use of
rudimentary organisational features (a heading and line spacing) and attempts to persuade the reader
with concluding phrases (what ever you want we have got it / and the price is right.) justify an award
of 9 marks.
9 marks
393 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
The influence of speech is apparent in this piece. Most sentences start in the same way (sea worlds),
and ideas are repetitively linked by the simple connective and. Nevertheless, there is evidence of
simple clauses in the second (you can...) and third person being used correctly.
2 marks
Punctuation
The writing in this piece is organised into units of meaning, separated by line spacing. Most of these
statements are demarcated with full stops. There is some use of capital letters to begin statements, but
this is not consistent and other capital letters are missing.
2 marks
196. Leaflet
Level 3
Introduction
The sea world is a place where you can see animals that are kind and playful. You
can have realy good fun with them.
What you can do
You can do realy fun stuff. You can feed the animals you can even swim with the
Dolphins
and see fishes.
How to Have fun
You can have fun by going to watch shark films like jaws and go on sea boat trips
see our tropical fish in our tropical aquarium have so much fun in the splash pool
and you can see our favoute animal FReDDy. He was born in 1990. He is a playful
cueture. He does tricks and if he likes you he will give you a ride and there many
How to get there
You can come to sea world by train by bus by car by train by coach any thing you
name.
rides you can go on
Theres a rollar caoster a miree go round. and a trip that we can only take you have
you ever seen a whale shark? a Hammer head shark? a white shark? little baby
sharks? Well you can only see them with us. Its £2.50. Believe me its worth it came
to sea world for fun.
394 | P a g e
This piece uses some basic features appropriate to an information leaflet. It begins with some general
statements about Sea World, makes a series of points about the centre and ends with some appeals
which persuade the reader to visit (Believe me...). The direct address of the reader (You can...), though
repetitively phrased, supports the persuasive purpose of the piece. However, the sequence of some
points is not always logical and the level of detail and generality do not take account of the reader’s
needs (for example, How to get there is too general to be of practical use, and comes in between
information about the attractions). Layout is used to support organisation, separating the points with
headings. The strong sense of audience in this piece is enough to give an award of 12 marks overall.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
This piece shows some aspects of style appropriate to a written leaflet. There is an impersonal
introduction (The sea world is a place...) and a final address to the reader in which a series of
questions (a white shark? little baby sharks?) gives persuasive impact. Nevertheless, the influence of
spoken language is apparent in some phrases (really fun stuff). In a few places, expansion adds interest
(playful cueture) to the information. There is some use of subordination (where, if) to link ideas
logically within the sentence. Most second and third person clauses are constructed accurately.
4 marks
Punctuation
The use of sentence demarcation is mainly accurate, although some full stops and capital letters are
missing in the middle of the piece, where sentences run together. There is some uncertainty as to
further uses of capitalisation for words in sentences and heading phrases (How to Have fun). In the
final paragraph, there is an attempt to use question marks to reinforce effect in the appeal to the reader.
4 marks
395 | P a g e
197. Leaflet
Level 4
Sea World
Introduction
Sea World has the most amazing creatures, tropical fish and family entertainment
for miles around.
Attractions
Come to sea world and see the worlds biggest white shark! At 6 foot 7ins long, Billy
is one of the most stunning creatures we have here, but hes not the only one! At
Seaworld you can see our spectacular killer whales and our 4 fantastic dolphins in
an outdoor display thats sure to be ‘splashing’ fun! You can visit the tropical
aquarium and see the outstanding collection of Manta Rays at mealtime. Then
travell under the shark tunnell. It makes you feel as if you are a scuba diver
swimming with the sharks. At the end of the tunnel, see the sharks in their natural
habitat as you watch the films, in the Shark Video Centre.
Cafe and shop
Feeling a little peckish? Then you can come to our cafeé for fish and chips!
Come while the kids visit the outdoor splash pool and drop into the water from the
top of our giant blue whale side. If you like seals, go on the boat trip down our very
own river and see the seals on the rocks near by. But wait there, don’t go yet. First
of all, visit our gift shop and buy a sauvenier to remind you of the brilliant time you
had at Sea World.
Prices
Adults - £4.99 each
Children and O.A.P’s - £2.99
Children 5 and under go free
Come to sea world for a great fun family day out.

This writer organises the piece into sensible sections by means of subheadings, which help to create a
sense of overall coherence. There is a brief and appropriately general introduction, followed by more
detailed information about Sea World’s attractions. A range of aspects is covered, and the writer
presents these in a logical sequence, as a tour around different parts of the centre (Then travell...). This
suggestion that the reader is already visiting the centre is sustained in the Cafe and shop section (But
wait there, don’t go yet.). Such attempts to persuade are supported by direct appeals to the reader,
suitably emphasised in the concluding phrase. Layout is used to present practical information clearly,
although this only relates to prices. The appropriate organisation, use of layout conventions and direct
appeal to the audience merit an award of 15 marks.
15 marks
396 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
A friendly and informal voice is sustained throughout the piece. Expansion is used to add interest and
contribute to the appeal of the attractions (outstanding collection, stunning creatures). Some phrases
convey a persuasive tone (sure to be), and choice is emphasised by a conditional sentence (If you like
seals...). A speech-like question is used effectively to give the impression of a casual inquiry (Feeling
a little peckish?). The writer employs a simple image to convey an experience vividly (as if you are a
scuba diver...). Pronouns (hes, It) establish connections within the text.
5 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences are demarcated correctly, and there is an example of the accurate use of a question
mark. In places, exclamation marks are used for emphasis. Commas are sometimes used to separate
phrases or clauses in sentences, but not always accurately.
5 marks
198. Leaflet
Level 4
SEA WORLD
Sea World is for all ages. Everyone can have fun. We have all kinds of sea animals
from sea horses to sharks.
Fish Ponds
The first thing you see is the fish ponds. In the fish ponds we have house fish (the
normal ones that you have at home). We have tried to make it as big as we can, so
the fish have enough space to go around. At the fish ponds we also sell the fish for
good prices. If you are interested you don’t have to pay to come in to the park you
can just tell the lady at the counter, she will help.
Splash Pool
Next to the fish ponds you have the splash pond. Every day at 4pm to 6pm we
have a sea animal show, every half an hour.
Time Table
Monday 4pm - 6pm we have the always amazing All the aligator.
Tuesday 4pm - 6pm we have the not so dopy dolly the dolphin
Wednesday 4pm - 6pm we have wally the whale
Thursday 4pm - 6pm we have sammy seal
Friday 4pm - 6pm we have Olly the octopus.
On Saturday and Sunday we have all of these. You can also rent Birthday partys at
splash pool ask for information at the entrance.
397 | P a g e
Tropical aquarium
Our aquarium is one of the largest. We have every thing here even the smalliest
fish. We have the dulliest to the colour fuliest fish around. If you are thinking that
they haven’t got enough space then you’re wrong they have loads of space there
are about 11 fish in a 4 metre tank.
Seal Boat trips

Timetable
DAY From To Every
Monday 3pm 8pm 20 min
Tuesday 2pm 5pm 20 min
Wednesday 4pm 7pm 30 min
Thursday 5pm 7pm 40 min
Friday 1pm 8pm 10 min
Boat trips are free! While on this do not tease the seals.
Sharks videos
These are not scary, there for any age There on all day. Its got all kinds of sharks.
After the video if you have any Questions just ask we’re happy to help. On the it
has about the habitats, what they eat and how they get around.
CAFE
We have an interesting menu. If we have not got something you want, just ask,
we’ll get for you.
So come to sea we’re open at 9am - 9pm everyday.
If you want information about adopting a sea animal just ask.
You you eat co-co pops for Breakfast you’re in luck get six tokens and you’re
children (however many) can come free.
On special days if you bring a teddybear you can get in free. That’s on every
second months first Friday.
We open at 22nd April.

This piece sustains a sense of pace and coherence throughout, with both general and specific
information about Sea World included. A series of paragraphs which deal systematically with the
different areas of Sea World follows on from some introductory remarks. Most paragraphs develop
relevant ideas sensibly (for example, Sharks videos gives time and content information). There is no
mention of how to get to Sea World, but other convincing practical information is presented clearly,
and timetable layout formats for some activities are integrated appropriately. Although the
introduction and final remarks are not titled, subheadings are used to establish the topic of each
paragraph. The frequent and persuasive appeals to the reader (you can get in free) establish a
consistent sense of audience, justifying the award of a secure 15 marks.
15 marks
398 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
This piece includes phrases which convey a persuasive, warm tone (you’re in luck). In complex
sentences, subordinate clauses with conditionals help to develop ideas (If...). In places, sentences are
introduced using time or place information to alter the emphasis (Next to the fish ponds...).
Connectives such as so are used for order. Vocabulary appears well chosen and sometimes adds
precision (one of the largest).
5 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences are correctly demarcated. There is some use of commas to separate clauses and
phrases, but this is not consistent. Although there is some evidence of the correct use of contraction
apostrophes (we’ll), there is also an incorrect use. Within sentences, there is some appropriate use of
capital letters for proper nouns, but some common nouns are inappropriately capitalised (Breakfast,
Questions).
5 marks
199. Leaflet
High Level 5
SEAWORLD
Welcome to the magical place of Seaworld. This new exciting world is a wonderful
place for family & friends who want an unforgetable day out!
Visit our tropical fish centre, where the most exotic sea life in the world is kept in
non-captivity conditions. Stroke our friendly rays. Communicate with our humorous
dolphins and watch our sharks in the sea being fed!
Being on the brink of the sea our large creatures are not kept in tanks, but are left
to roam and explore their natural habitat.
Dive into the octupi dome and experience the personality of Oscar, our biggest
Octupus!
The domestic centre is a fantastic place for small children where they can watch
our smallest fish with fascination.
Splash out in the SHARK SIMULATER if you dare! Our sharktastic 3d cinema with
hi tech 3D affects will take your breath away!
Our staff are more than willing to lend you a helping hand, or give you any
information you need. There is at least 2 members of staff at EVERY attraction.
Our safety standards are outstanding, but in case of emergency there is an
un-used first aid centre.
399 | P a g e
If you need a rest why not eat at our clean and tidy picnic area while children can
have good fun in the enormous play area or, our toddlers area (where staff are
also)
Indulge in the Seaworld gift shop where you can find magical mermaid mirrors,
corel, gemstones, rocks and much more!
for serious painters there is our special view point where the scenes are just what
you need! And it is only £1.00 extra!
(Map to go here)
OPEN TIMES
(am) (pm)
open close
Mon & Tue 10:00 6:30
Wed & Th 10:30 6:30 Closed
Fri & Sat 11:30 6:30 Sunday
PRICES
Adults £2.50 consc. £ 2.00
Children (under 16) £1.50 consc. £ 1.00
O.A.P.S £1.80 (No concession)
Family ticket £6.50 (No concession)
COMMENTS
‘Absolutely Brill, I loved it’
Pip smith (11) york
‘fantastic’ ‘Really exciting’
Sam GreenThe Hall’s
Sheffield sussex
So, there you have it step right in!...

The writer confidently sustains an informative and persuasive tone throughout the piece. The
introductory remarks establish an inviting and enthusiastic style of address which immediately
engages the reader’s interest with the promise of more. The series of appropriately detailed points that
follow draw persuasive attention to the main attractions (why not eat...), create interest and even
humorously challenge the reader (Splash out in the SHARK SIMULATER if you dare!). Practical
information with details of times and prices is presented separately, by means of tabular and bullet
point layout formats and clear headings. The final section provides a continuation of the persuasive
tone but in a varied form, with satisfied customer comments. The awareness of audience, consistency
of tone, interest and variety in this piece are just enough to merit an award of 21 marks.
21 marks
400 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
The persuasive tone of the writing is given impact by a series of imperative sentences which start with
verbs (Stroke..., Dive..., Splash..., Indulge...). Variety of sentence length and type adds interest and
maintains pace. A range of connectives and use of subordination in complex sentences extend
meaning (where, but, who, if), and expansion of phrases with appropriate vocabulary adds a layer of
inviting detail (enormous play area, magical mermaid mirrors, fantastic place). Humorous word play
(sharktastic) is used for effect.
7 marks
Punctuation
Sentences are almost entirely accurately demarcated, with exclamation marks sometimes replacing full
stops for particular emphasis. Capital letters are used appropriately for proper nouns (Seaworld,
Oscar) and whole word emphasis (EVERY). Commas separate clauses and clarify meaning within
sentences. Speech marks correctly demarcate the customer quotations.
6 marks
200. If Pictures Could Speak...

Level 3
Suddenly the picture smiles. We were on a school trip at an art exhibition. I was
walking through one of the gallery rooms. There on the wall was a portrait of a
man. It smiled at me. Suddenly it said take a seat please. I looked around no one
else was there. There was a padded stool in front of the picture. I sat down and the
picture started to speak it asked me what I was doing. I told him I was on a trip with
the school. I asked him what his name was.
He said that it was Sir Roger Dolton. I asked him where he was from he said
that he was from England. He had died in battle.But he was a famous kings guard.
He asked me where I came from I said that I was from coventry. He asked why the
school had come to the gallery. I told him we had been invited to an exhibition. He
asked what was school. I told him school was a place children of all ages go to
learn things. I asked him what was he. He had said he was a ghost he had
unfinished business on earth. He said that he had to protect the king. He was in full
musketeer uniform with a blue sash and I had my school uniform on a grey jumper,
black trousers, a white shirt and a green tie. I didn’t tell him there was no king
anymore. I just kept quiet.
I looked at the time 3:00. We to be at the coach for 3:10. I said that I’d have to
go. He said goodbye. I went and got a security guard. I told him all about the
picture who it said it was, what it was, and what it said it had to do. I took the
security guard back with me and showed him the picture but It was normal. The
security guard thought I was mad. I wondered if I had fell asleep and dreamt it. But
as I walked out the room back to the coach the picture of the man smiled at me. So
it wasn’t a dream it was reality.
401 | P a g e
In this story, the interaction between the narrator - a visitor to an art exhibition - and a character in a
picture provides the main interest. The first paragraph establishes the setting for the story although
some details are subsequently repeated. The central section recounts the interaction between the two
characters, written as reported speech, but without developing the characters. Whilst the central issue
is developed in this paragraph, this is not clearly resolved in the final section of the story.
Nevertheless, the story is effectively concluded in the penultimate sentence which echoes the
narrative’s opening. The story is written throughout in the first person. Although some aspects of this
piece suggest 15 marks, the limited characterisation and lack of resolution of the central issue makes
this a best fit for an award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
Sentence structures are mainly simple. Sentences often start with
the pronouns He or I and the lack of connectives is evident in the number of short sentences (He said
goodbye. I went and got a security guard. I told him...) Subordination is
used to convey reported speech (I said that I was from coventry) but this leads to a loss of pace in the
story as a whole. The story starts a little uncertainly with the opening sentence written in the present
tense. Thereafter, the past tense
is sustained. Some precise vocabulary is used (musketeer uniform, blue sash, security guard) to add
detail.
4 marks
Punctuation
Some sentences are correctly punctuated with capital letters and full stops. Direct speech, although
used infrequently, is not demarcated. There is some evidence of the correct use of apostrophes to
indicate omission and commas are used to separate items in a list.
4 marks

Level 4
If Pictures Could Speak

‘Oh great!’ I thought. My grandma had dragged me along to some exhibition of
paintings. I hate stuff like this, I can’t even rember how I even got into this! My
grandma had just gone off to look at some paintings. I’m just sitting on this posh
bench thingy and looking at the same dumb painting for the past half an hour. I
was borred and I wanted to go home really badly.
Then I heard this strange chattering sound. There was nobody around me. I
heard another voice. These two voices seemed to be talking at the same time. I
turned round and right behind me there were two little girls in a painting argueing!
402 | P a g e
I walked slowly up to the painting and asked "What...is...t.t.the matter?" One
of the girls said "Come in here, where nobody can hear us tell you!" "But how do I
get inside there?" I asked not so shocked anymore. "Just jump in!" they said
together. I closed my eyes tight and jumped as high as high as I could. The next
thing I knew I was sitting next to the two girls. They told me that there names were
Elizabeth and Catherine. "Tell me know!" I demanded. "No, not here we’ll tell you
at our house, it just a little way from here," said Catherine.
we walked for hours! "Are we there yet?" I mouned. "No. we’ve just been walking
for ten minutes! Elizabeth told. What? It seemed like hours. Finaly, we were there
"Now I will tell you." said Elizabeth. "We were fighting about who’s hair is the
longest I mean its...." "Stop" I interupted Catherine. "You dragged me all this way
just to tell me you were fighting over who’s hair was longest!" I screamed. "You
wanted to know what we were fighting about and we told you!" grinned Catherine
"You pair of idiots!" I yelled as I ran off. I ran for hours! Finaly I got to where I
jumped in. I shut my eyes tight and jumped as high as I could. After about five
seconds I was back at the exhibition of art. I went to find my grandma. I never
coming here again.
"Oh there you are!" my grandma said, "We are coming back here next week!"
I began to feel dizzy, my legs started shakeing. I calapsed onto the floor!

The narrator, a reluctant visitor to an art gallery, finds herself in discussion with two characters in a
painting. An effective opening paragraph, in which the writer’s irritation at being in the gallery is
clear, establishes the narrator as the central character. The change in the narrator’s mood as she
encounters the two girls in the picture is developed in the interaction in the central section. The
conclusion of the story includes both a ‘return’ to the exhibition and also the writer’s reaction to the
news of another visit the following week. The dialogue is effectively written, successfully continuing
the story line and developing the characters, although the ending is rather abrupt. On balance, this
lively piece of chronological writing is assessed as securely meeting the criteria for 15marks.
15 marks
Grammar
Style
Simple and complex sentences add variety to the writing and help to shape the narrative. Detail is
given in the expansion of some phrases (strange chattering sound) and in the selection of verbs to
describe speech (I mouned, I demanded). Although the piece is mainly in the past tense, in the opening
paragraph there are some phrases in the present tense (I can’t even rember... , I’m just sitting...).
5 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences are accurately demarcated and there is some evidence of the appropriate use of
commas. Direct speech is clearly marked and exclamation marks and question marks are used
appropriately.
5 marks
403 | P a g e
High Level 5
If Pictures Could Speak

The bus drew up at the station. I am quivering with excitment. I am in Stawary,
near Stroke-on-Trent. I have come all the way from Scotland, just to see the
Stawary exhibition! I turn the corner and see the entrance. Have I remembered my
ticket? Phew. Its in my pocket. I hand in my ticket and go in.
All these pictures! I decide to start from the top floor (the second floor) and work
my way downwards. I take the lift up and turn left. Wow! Look at all the pictures.
There’s a horse, a dog, the sea, a stormy sky, and right in the far corner, an old
man, his wife, and their little newborn, naked son. The old man seems to be
holding a flute, ready to play it to ward of danger.
Suddenly I start, I hear a grumpy, snarling voice from around that far picture. There
is no-one else in the room. I look more closely at the old man and see that his lips
are moving.
"All I do is sit here night and day, poised to play the flute and I’ve never learnt how
to play one. The worst though is those beastly humans, exploiting me and my
family to show what we look like! There’s another one! Go away! Go away, I say!
I’m glad I never was a human. Beastly things. Oh, some are all right, but the rest!
Only yesterday we had two boys laughing at my little son...."
The wife interupeted his tirade, "Quite right! I agree with you Harry! I say we strike!
We should not be put on display for horrible humans to laugh at us all day!"
I get fed up. I yell that they would not have a family if it weren’t for a human. I storm
out to the lift. While I am waiting I hear the voices saying:
"That’s the longest time a human has ever listned to us Silvia!" "Quite right, Harry! I
was beginning to warm to her before she yelled and stamped out!"
I go and get on the bus, and on the five hour journey, I vow never to go to Stawary
exhibition again. I go home, go up to my room, get charcoal, a piece of paper, my
paints and my paint brush.
I start to draw. What is it! I suddenly know. That was the outline of the old man! I
never knew I could draw so well from memory. My hand moves of its own accord to
my paints when the picture is finished. It starts to mix. All the way through my
drawing I get exactly the same colours as in the gallery. My finished picture. I look
at it carefully. The man’s lips could move! I hang it over my bed.
Ever after that the picture from the gallery had gone. It was never recovered. When
I had just finished the picture, the one in the Art exhibition had vanished!
After that day I was never short of anyone to talk to. I just took my picture along.
404 | P a g e
In this unusual piece, written predominantly in the present tense, the writer has created a lively and
well-structured story which retains an element of mystery despite being neatly resolved at the end. The
opening paragraph, in which the significance of the exhibition to the narrator is established, engages
the reader. The thoughts of the narrator as she starts to view the paintings are contrasted with the vivid
dialogue between the characters in the paintings. The narrator’s speech is reported indirectly, adding
variety and maintaining the pace of the story. The story concludes with an account of the creation of
another painting, in which it is implied that the painter / narrator is not fully in control of the process.
The piece is organised appropriately into paragraphs. This ambitious story is carefully crafted and it
succeeds in engaging and sustaining the reader’s interest. Overall, it just merits the award of 21 marks.
21 marks
Grammar
Style
This piece is written in the present tense and in short sentences, features which combine to give the
writing a sense of urgency and excitement. Dialogue is strongly written and includes the use of
ellipsis, for example, to indicate interaction and to increase authenticity. There are occasional lapses
into the past tense (The wife interupeted...) and the final two paragraphs are written in the past tense
giving an impression of an element of reflection. The paragraph describing the painting activity is
particularly effective in the use of the pronoun ‘it’ to describe the narrator’s hand (It starts to mix),
emphasising her lack of control. There is some expansion (grumpy, snarling voice; those beastly
humans) and words are used with precision (exploiting, of its own accord).
6 marks
Punctuation
Almost all sentences in this piece are correctly demarcated with full stops, exclamation marks and
question marks as appropriate. The dialogue is fully punctuated and commas indicate the divisions
between clauses.
7 marks
405 | P a g e
203. Home at Last
Just below Level 3
HOME AT LAST
One day me my Dad and my Brother and Mum went on holiday and we were in the
South of France and we got there at 3.00 pm. When we got there it was good we
onley had 2 weeks until we had to go back to school. We were injoying, are, selves
and we were in a caravan. A week had gone and we onley had a haft of a week
left. My brother couldent wait to get back because he had, some gerbils. everyday
since we have been here my dad and my brother were very noisy because they
were watching TV in the caravan and my mum come in and said that we have got
an other week in the South of France. We were getting fed up because there not
much to do. You can onley do swimming, football tennis and badminton. When we
were having dinner my mum and dad were talking, about if i should go to childrens
club for the week and a half so my mum and dad can sort things out It was are last
week and 5 days left in France the next day we all went to play badminton for 2
hous it was getting late so we went back and we had tee and went to bed the next
morning we hered that there is a tournement a football tourterment i went into it
and so did my dad my team won all are matches and we got a certifercute for a
couple of hous later we went out for dinner in a resteraut. The next day my cousion
came to join us for the last week of our holiday and we had a good time. it was our
last day and we did loads of things the next day we were on our way home we
couldent wait to get home it was great to be back to see our gerbills and go to
school.

This piece consists of a series of events during a caravan holiday. The setting and the characters are
established simply following the story opening One day... but are not developed subsequently. The
number of remaining days is a persistent theme but the events described are sometimes muddled and
there is no main event to create interest. The ending is very simple, although it does return to a
previous reference to gerbils. Overall, this simple chronological account of a holiday includes some
basic features of story structure, sufficient to merit 9 marks.
9 marks
Grammar
Style
Sentence structures are mainly simple and ideas are linked with and, although there is some use of the
connective, because. Whilst predominantly in the past tense, there is the occasional inappropriate use
of the present tense (we hered that there is a tournement). The narrative is mainly in the first person.
The influence of spoken language is apparent in the use of general verbs such as went, got, had and in
the use of the second person (You can onley do...).
2 marks
Punctuation
Several sentences are accurately demarcated with capital letters and full stops. Commas are used
inappropriately in this piece.
2 marks
406 | P a g e
204. Home at Last
Level 3
HOME AT LAST
It was Saturday morning and Mr and Mrs Cuthbert had been up since the break of
dawn packing the landrover up with the items that they would need for the
weekend ahead. They were going to the mountains in Wales, and were hoping to
climb Snowdon one of the tallest mountains. The whole family were going, Laura,
Lucy, Nan, Grandpa and Mr + Mrs Cuthbert.
They had a few hours in the car driving there and it was no weight o, clock, They
were hoping to leave at half past so Mrs Cuthbert dressed the children while Mr
Cuthbert rang his mother and father in law to tell them that they were on their way.
They picked them up and were on their way. Lucy the youngest of the sisters had
gone to sleep as soon as she had got in the car and Laura was dozing. A few
hours later they were there and had checked into the hotel where they were
staying.
It was one o, clock now and they had Saturday afternoon to go and look around
and plan the rest of the weekend. At five o’clock they came back to the hotel after
planning their weekend in time for a disco.
Next morning they had a lie in and at ten o, clock they decided to get up. They had
their brunch as they called it and got ready for the afternoon that they had left.
They decided to go to the Snowdon mountain. Mr and Mrs Cuthbert were walking
up and rest of the family were going on the train but much later on because it
would take a long time to walk up. Lucy and Laura and their nan and grandpa
decided to go to a small village by the mountain where they hired a boat to go
down the river which went past the small village.
It was a good boat ride except for they nearly came to disaster when the boat
nearly tipped up.
As they drove back they sang songs and talked about the adventures that they
would have tomorrow. When they arrived ready to get on the train they had to run
to catch it as it was just leaving. as they went up in the train they saw loads of
nature and wildlife but nan was so tired that she went to sleep.
On the top of Snowdon they all had a walk around taking photo sand eating the
leftovers from the picnic yesterday. They met Mr + Mrs Cuthbert and they all went
back down on the rain. They drove to the hotel and arrived to see a ruin of black
smithers. They found out that someone had burnt it down.
They had nothing left to do so they had to go home. It was a long sad journey and
at last they were home. After all that had happened, they had never been so happy
to see their own house.
407 | P a g e
This piece recounts a family weekend break in Wales. The context for the story is established in the
opening paragraph and the preparations for the trip and the journey are covered in some detail. A
series of events including a boat ride and mountain walk is structured in paragraphs but not developed;
details which do not move the story forward are frequently included. The main event is set up very
simply towards the end of the story (They drove to the hotel and arrived to see a ruin...) but it is not
followed through. This results in a lack of balance and pace in this story as a whole. Although
members of the family are introduced in the opening paragraph, there is no interaction. Despite the
lack of characterisation and the unbalanced structure, the logical sequence of events and use of detail
presented in the story lead to the award of 12 marks.
12 marks
Grammar
Style
The beginning of a written style is evident in the use of connectives (but, so), but many sentences are
linked with and. In a few places, other connectives help to order events in time (they came back to the
hotel after planning their weekend). There is some subordination (where they hired a boat) but the
vocabulary is fairly restricted. Details within phrases sometimes introduce another layer of
information(Snowdon one of the tallest mountains) but this is rarely used to add significance to the
story.
4 marks
Punctuation
Most sentences are correctly demarcated in this piece. There is some evidence of the use of commas to
separate items in a list and proper nouns are capitalised correctly.
5 marks
205. Home at Last

Level 4
HOME AT LAST
"Mum always makes us do the shopping" I said to my brother Joe. "And she
doesn’t even pay us" he replied. We were on our way to catch a bus to the
supermarket. When we arrived at the bus stop nobody was there waiting which
was a bit unusual but we thought nothing of it. A few minutes later the bus arrived.
It was the right number so we hopped on. We told the driver where we wanted to
go and got on a seat. There were a few people already on the bus who looked at
us as if we were some kind of aliens. But we took no notice.
408 | P a g e
It had only been a couple of seconds and Joe started to bring swimming into the
conversation. Since he joined the team he’s done nothing but talk about it. I looked
at my watch and we had been on the bus for an unusually long time. I told Joe but
he said we’re probably going a different route. After an hour even Joe was getting
worried. We had tried to get off but the driver wouldn’t let us. All of a sudden we
came to what looked like a desert. The driver stopped and dumped us in the
middle. All the other people started walking in one direction like they were
hypnotised but Joe and I didn’t know what to do.
The bus had suddenly vanished as well. Then I spotted what looked like a forest in
the distance. I showed Joe and we agreed to explore it. We started to run over to it.
Within a minute we were there.
On our first step in an owl hooted, a fox barked and a bear made a bear noise. I
kept hearing footsteps behind us but when I turned round no-one was there. Joe
told me to stop imagining things but I knew it was this forest. It totally spooked me
out. After a couple of minutes the owl hooted again. Bears, foxes and all other wild
beasts started to chase us. "Run for it" Is creamed. We ran as fast as we could
until at last we shook them off. We came to rest at the other side of the forest.
There was a hole of water that Joe called an oasis. We started to drink from it
when suddenly what felt like a hand, pushed us in. Not even Joe could keep
himself up so we both sunk into the water. At least we were out of that horrible
forest I thought.
Suddenly we landed, thud, in the supermarket we should have been in. Joe and I
looked at each other and we both knew what we wanted to do. Do the shopping
and go home. So as quickly as we could we did the shopping and jumped on the
bus. The journey was the right length this time but when we got of and thanked the
driver we recognised him. He was the same on that dumped us in the desert!
"Have a nice trip" he asked. Then laughed an evil laugh. Joe and I picked up the
shopping and ran home. Joe unlocked the door and we stumbled in. "Home at last"
I said, "Home at last".

In this story, an everyday bus journey to the shops turns into an adventure for the narrator and his
brother. A brief, opening exchange in direct speech establishes the characters. The writer builds up to
the main events by suggesting increasing concern(we had been on the bus for an unusually long time).
Joe’s somewhat calmer reactions allow this character to be effectively distinguished from the narrator.
There is a definite middle section to the story, which starts with the brothers’ abandonment. A short
adventure sequence follows, but the pace is rushed and the relevance of the happenings remains
uncertain. The resolution, though rather abrupt, is clearly marked and leads appropriately to the
expression of relief at arriving home. The final, sinister appearance of the bus driver adds interest and
provides continuity with the previous sections. This piece amply meets the criteria for 15 marks
because of the development of characterisation within clearly distinguished beginning, middle and end
sections of the story.
15 marks
409 | P a g e
Grammar
Style
The use of phrases such as All of a sudden, After a couple of minutes, move the story on in time and
add interest. Within the sentence, clauses are related to each other and developed by a range of
connectives (so, but, until, when). There is some expansion of phrases to add detail, and in places
images are used to create impressions (like they were hypnotised, felt like a hand). In some action
sequences, verbs are selected for dramatic effect (dumped, vanished, screamed, stumbled).
5 marks
Punctuation
Almost all the sentences are correctly demarcated with capital letters and full stops. Commas, though
infrequent, are mainly accurate, and there is evidence throughout the piece of speech marks and
contraction apostrophes being used correctly.
5 marks
206. Home at Last

Level 5
HOME AT LAST
Tabs’ sleek black coat shined with water dripping off it.
"Why did we run away in the first place? They only forgot to feed you once!"
Moaned Barney.
"You weren’t the one who got picked up all the time and told what a beautiful cat
you are!" Miaowed Tabs.
They had run away and were in the middle of raining London. Tabs had started to
look a bit like a drowned rat and Barney didn’t look much better.
"I knew this was a bad idea, Miss Purrrrfect!" he joked.

"Huh! I’ve taken offence! How dare you make fun of me!"
"Someones got to make jokes around here."
"Lets just find shelter," said Tabs.
They stood on the end of the road waiting for it to clear. They stood there patiently
for two minutes. Finally they were able to cross.
Barney ran across as fast as his little legs would carry him. But Tabs walked and
she was about to put one of her front paws on the pavement a blue Ford Escort
came racing by and hit Tabs back legs with a lot of impact.
410 | P a g e
"Ah...! I’m dying!" a peircing scream came from the cat.
"A..a..are you alright?" asked Barney nervously.
"Nooo. My leg hurts in case you haven’t noticed." said Tabs mournfully.
Barney picked her up in his mouth by the scruff of her neck. He carried her into the
public toilets. "Why did you bring me here?"
"So you can have a rest." said Barney.

They slept there until lunch-time the next day.
"We must go home! I’m taking you home now!" exclaimed Barney as soon as they
woke up.
They started a long journey home. Over hills, across streams, until finally they saw
it.
At last they were home. After all that had happened, they had never been so happy
to see their own house.
They got a warm welcome from the family. They realized Tabs had a broken leg
and took her to the vets.
Tabs wouldn’t stop thanking Barney for losing one of his teeth for her (his tooth got
sore from carrying her). They became the best of friends, Tabs never did anything
to upset Barney again. Or Barney would chase her all over the garden.
"You know, you looked so sweet and innocent hanging in my mouth." said Barney.
"Don’t push your luck to far, buddy. You never know what I’ll do next."

This well-controlled piece, written from the point of view of two runaway cats, skilfully combines
action, dialogue and description within a story format. Lively opening exchanges between the cats are
used to convey information about their predicament. The ensuing pacy dialogue and authorial
comments advance the plot and allow for development of the humorous, antagonistic relationship
between characters: "A..a..are you alright?" asked Barney nervously. "Nooo. My leg hurts in case you
haven’t noticed. "The events, although based on a linear time scale, move effectively between settings
and towards a fitting resolution of Tabs’s accident with a homecoming and consolidation of the cats’
friendship. The strength of characterisation, use of dialogue and control over events securely merit an
award of 18 marks.
18 marks
Grammar
Style
The writer successfully conveys the distinctive, informal style of the cats’ dialogue by means of
spoken features (Huh, You know), abbreviation (I’ve), and colloquial vocabulary(buddy). An
imaginative selection of verbs and adverbs in the authorial comment provide further shape and
character to the speech (asked Barney nervously, exclaimed Barney). Simple and complex sentences
vary the pace, with expansion used for precise description (sleek black coat, blue Ford Escort).
6 marks
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Punctuation
Most of the sentences are correctly demarcated. Question marks are used accurately, and exclamation
marks are used for effect. Within some complex sentences, commas separate clauses and phrases, and
contraction apostrophes are used. All proper nouns are written with initial capital letters and speech
marks appropriately set out direct speech, although there is some incorrect use of initial capitals in
words following dialogue.
6 marks
207. Descriptive writing

Below level 6
As she walked through the fields of deep red poppys with the summer sun beating
down on her Jenny wondered why nobody lived here. How could they not live here,
with all the beautiful wildlife and lovely greenery. The thing that amazed her most
was the sound. The sound of silence. Everything was quiet except a few bluebirds
singing in a nearby oak tree and the long grass stiring in the breeze.
"I could live here for ever," she thought, "and never leave."
When Jenny had progressed through the field she came to a small beech tree. She
decided after all her walking it was time for lunch so she quickly climbed to the
safest spot in the tree and opened her back-pack. Inside were her favourite
sandwiches, together with a bottle of orange squash and two chocolate biscuits.
Good old mum!
As Jenny ate her food hungrily she looked down over the countryside. It was
shimmering in the sunlight but in the distance she spotted a small cottage with a
thatched roof and rose bushes. Standing in the garden she could see what looked
like two people.
"Ah ha!" she thought, "I knew there must be someone who just couldn’t resist this
place!" Replacing the nap-sack on her back she jumped down from the tree and
began to make her way towards the cottage.
Commentary
Although the writer has included some descriptive passages, these are interspersed with
narrative which weakens their impact. The references to the countryside do not go much beyond
background information, rather than evoking a particular mood or genre. There is some attempt
at setting in the opening paragraph but it is generalised and the details selected are predictable,
as is the reference to a small cottage with a thatched roof and rose bushes mentioned later.
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Sentence structure is accurate, and complex, as well as simple, sentences are used. Component
parts are connected in a variety of ways, including the use of conjunctions - as, when, so -as
well as commencing the sentence with the present participle, although in one instance this
produces an ambiguity. Another authorial device is juxtaposing sentences for effect: The thing
that amazed her most was the sound. The sound of silence.
Vocabulary is used accurately but is limited in range and its predictability means that there is
little impact....progressed through the field and shimmering in the sunlight are the only
indications of a more adventurous use of words.
Basic punctuation is generally well used, including direct speech, apostrophe and exclamation
mark. At one point the question mark is missing while elsewhere commas would have made the
meaning clearer. There are only two spelling errors: poppys and stiring while other words of a
similar level of difficulty are spelled correctly.
Despite a good level of technical accuracy, weaknesses in the choice and arrangement of
content place this piece in the below level 6 category.
Composition 4
Presentation 2

Level 6
Imagine a quiet, peaceful farm, secretly buried deep in the heart of the countryside.
The nearest village is several miles down a dusty, broken, ankle turning track.
Finally you arrive at an old, rusty, iron gate, swinging open at the entrance to the
farmyard. Across the yard is a small cottage with a thin wispy trail of smoke lazily
rising from a small square chimney. The cottage is built from old stone and covered
with a heavy, dark brown thatched roof. Ivy is creeping up over the front of the
house. The window frames are blotched with flaking white paint while the
partly-open door is of dark oak. An old, dusty dog lies, sunning himself in front of
the door, lazily thumping his tail and twitching in his dreams.
In the yard the hens are pecking around hopefully in the dirt. There is a shabby,
dilapidated outbuilding on one side. Under its shingle roof is some old, rusting farm
machinery as well as other objects, worn out, broken, and never used, but too
good to throw away.
In the distance, across the fields, you can detect the faint sound of bird song. The
sun is shining and there is not a cloud in the sky.
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Commentary
The writer has a clear idea of the scene to be described and the technique used allows the reader
to see the scene through the writer’s eyes, which gives shape and cohesiveness to the passage.
The first sentence with its opening imperative is effective in capturing the attention and
establishing the setting. A series of simple sentences is used effectively to bring the reader
nearer to the cottage, thereby revealing more of its detail. There are allusions, which might have
been developed if the writing had continued, to life beyond the scene: old dusty dog...thumping
his tail and twitching in his dreams, objects, worn out, broken, and never used, but too good to
throwaway. The sense of age-old decay is emphasised effectively and adjectives (dilapidated,
faint, partly opened) are used effectively.
The writer shows confidence in using an extended range of vocabulary accurately, including
some particularly well-chosen expressions: blotched with flaking white paint; pecking around
hopefully.
Punctuation is unadventurous but accurate. Spelling is correct.
Composition 5
Presentation 3

Above level 6
Deep in the countryside, away from the noise and bustle of city streets, lies a
cottage. It has a rotting, thatched roof and murky windows which open with a
creak. Once it was a pretty place with bright curtains, flowers and laughter inside.
Now, the flowers are dead. All that is left of them is a dry stem trailing across the
cracked doorstep.
The paint inside is chipped and peeling, the carpet yellowing with age and thick
with dust. In the wooden cabinet in a corner of the one room are what were once
beautiful objects. Now they are ruined, as are all objects there.
The atmosphere of this place is thick and heavy. A sense of dread lurks in every
corner. Even the creatures of the wood do not dare come near. The silence is
almost stifling.
In the garden no bird sings. The plants are dead, except for weeds which have
long since choked any beautiful flower attempting to grow there. As you try to walk
down the cracked and worn path, creepers trip you and thorns snatch at you,
entangling you, and trying to drag you down.
In the village a few miles away, the place is rarely spoken of and then only in
hushed whispers. Legends are handed down but few believe them. All that is
known is the dreadful sense off ore boding which has stopped even the bravest of
hearts from going within a mile of this cottage.
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No-one knows, none can now remember the terrible struggle which raged there
years before. They do not know of the malevolent power which holds it and always
will, until the one comes who will break the spell. That one has now come.
Things are about to change.
Commentary
This is a well-written piece with a strong awareness of audience. Using a range of techniques
the reader is led into and through the description which finally links to the story which is to
follow. The techniques build from the established setting to the development of mood. The
contrasts and the phrasing raise questions in the reader’s mind, taking the reader quickly to the
stage of asking, ‘What has happened? What will happen?’.
The opening sentence suggests the start of a straight forward country scene but this is
immediately contrasted with the images of decay and corruption (rotting, murky, dead, dry)
which pervade this description. Contrast continues to be used effectively, together with other
authorial techniques: alliteration in the paint inside is chipped and peeling; the use of synonyms
for emphasis as in thick and heavy...stifling and trip...snatch...entangling...drag. There is also
thoughtful and effective use of figurative language as well as a rich and precise vocabulary
especially in the choice of verbs and adjectives.
The overall control of language, the range of techniques employed, the selection and expression
of detail place this in an above level 6 category.
Composition 8
Presentation 5
210. Article
Below level 6
Dear Pat,
I think you should take up stamp collecting. The idea may sound boring - but
believe me it’s really quite fun! You will need a stamp album, some tweezers, sticky
backs and a magnifying glass, which you can buy in a beginner’s kit.
If you had something you enjoyed from your old area, such as football or cycling,
there are special collectors stamps as well. Once you tell all your neighbours,
friends and relatives you’re collecting, you’ll soon have an interesting collection.
415 | P a g e
My collections are still quite small, but if there are special stamps you see, you
must try and get them or your chance might not come again. There are also
different shaped stamps, which might interest you. Have you ever seen a triangular
stamp?
You can arrange your stamps nicely on each page, and it is possible to move them
once they are stuck.
The activity is enjoyable, because I know one day I’m going to be able to look at
this and be proud of my collection.
I hope I have given you some ideas - if not you could always do some extra
schoolwork!
Commentary
The writer has stayed on task and included a reasonably wide range of ideas, including the
equipment needed and some suggestions regarding choice of stamps and presentation. However,
these are not well organised and there is little attempt at development. There is an
acknowledgement that the idea may sound boring but despite the claim that stamp collecting is
really quite fun there is little attempt to justify this. Information is limited by the author’s own
admittedly limited experience and there is only a passing reference to Pat’s situation as a
newcomer to the area. Little attempt is made to use the language or techniques of persuasion
and the assertion that the activity is enjoyable is not justified in a convincing way.
Sentence structure is accurate and there is some use made of more complex sentences. The
rhetorical question and the humorous conclusion suggest an awareness of the reader but
otherwise the information provided and the expression of it are unfocused and generalised in
tone, using an unadventurous vocabulary.
Collectors stamps contains two errors but otherwise spelling is generally accurate and there is a
sound grasp of basic punctuation, including the dash and exclamation mark. Overall, the
weaknesses outlined in this piece place it in the below level 6 category.
Composition 3
Presentation 2
211. Article
Level 6
Dear Pat,
I think that you should consider taking up the sport of swimming. I enjoy swimming
greatly as a leisure activity. It is quite a hard sport to master completely but it is
easy to be reasonably good enough to swim confidently.
There are many good swimming pools and leisure centres in the area so you
should find one near where you live. The only equipment you need is a swimming
costume and a towel and it does not cost much to get in. You can either have
proper lessons, if you want to improve your technique or learn new strokes, or you
can just swim for fun. If you need some exercise, or want to practice, you can do
lane swimming in a separate lane for people who want to do just that.
416 | P a g e
If you have time left over after your swimming time, then there are lots of additional
things to do at the leisure centre, eg badminton, squash, indoor tennis etc.
Swimming is a sport that you can do with friends or by yourself. It is great, if you
are in a playful mood, as you can frolic and splash about in the water with your
friends. Sometimes it is nice to forget your troubles and go for a soothing dip on
your own. For those thirty minutes you can forget all your worries and just relax.
I often go swimming with a friend or in a group and find great fun in doing so. I
seriously hope that you will think about swimming as a possibility for something to
do. I enjoy it greatly and can really recommend it.
Yours sincerely
John Porter
Commentary
This piece has a clear structure with ideas presented in a logical and ordered way. The first part
is factual and includes information on equipment and facilities as well as a range of possible
options. The writer’s enjoyment is stated early on but is then further developed in the second
part which includes attractive images - frolic and splash...soothing dip... and a more
conversational tone as means of persuasion.
There is awareness of the reader throughout, although Pat’s particular situation is not explored
in any depth. Most paragraphs start with a strong opening statement which is then developed
more fully. The frequent use of I and you create an intimacy and suggest the reader is being
addressed directly. The passive voice is used infrequently.
Punctuation is confidently managed and spelling is accurate.
Composition 6
Presentation 4
212. Article
Above level 6
At eleven years old, a lot of things may seem boring when in fact they are not,
especially when you have just moved house and you are missing your old school,
your friends and the things you did there.
When you were living in your old house you must have had quite a lot of exciting
hobbies and interests! Maybe you could try to keep up some of the things you used
to do. Find out what other children in your new class like to do in their spare time.
They might suggest you come with them.
There will probably be some interesting clubs which you could join in your new
school but don’t give them up after one session. First impressions aren’t always the
best ones. You may be angry at moving house but give this area a fair try, I can
assure you it’s not that bad!
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If you are a very active person (and fit) and you enjoy sports then why not come
and discover our Leisure Park which offers various sports, such as swimming,
tennis, football as well as activities like dancing? It also provides a range of places
to eat and is a great place to meet new friends.
I personally am very into crafts of various descriptions, from painting and drawing
to cake and chocolate making. There is a group that meets at the Leisure Park on
Tuesday night. At this meeting we each bring different crafts to demonstrate while
others can have a go (all equipment provided). The only thing that you have to
bring along is yourself.
Craft is a very good way of calming yourself down and also provides immense
satisfaction when you complete something that is good and you consider worth the
effort!
Remember you cannot find things to do unless you look for them, so find out about
as many clubs and activities as you can. You might just find the perfect hobby for
you. Alternatively, if you wanted to do something which isn’t available, why not start
up your own club?
Commentary
This writer has chosen to address Pat’s basic situation as someone who has recently moved into
a new area, rather than limiting themselves to a detailed account of one activity. The writer
speaks directly to Pat and clearly empathises with the situation described (you are missing your
old school; you maybe angry at moving house) but offers positive advice and a variety of
possible ways forward.
The writer then begins to focus on specific suggestions, beginning with the Leisure Park and the
range of attractions it offers. It is not until paragraph 5 that the writer’s own hobby is
mentioned. A simple statement of the pleasure and satisfaction derived from it is allowed to
speak for itself.
The writing is thoughtfully organised and ideas are clearly expressed. The style is
straightforward without being simplistic with a high standard of technical accuracy. The
strengths indicated above place it in an above level 6 category.
Composition 7
Presentation 5
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213. Below Level 2 - Alice
Letter: Dear Magician
This piece starts as a letter but soon becomes narrative. Towards the end, the purpose of the letter – to
persuade the magician to release the smells – is lost, as Alice writes: I’m very happy to meet you.
Although some parts of the letter are difficult to understand, the final greeting shows some awareness
of the conventions of a letter. Some attempts at spelling are hard to decipher and there is reliance on
simple sound - symbol relationships: any is written as en. One full stop is used correctly. The
handwriting is legible and partly joined but there is confusion over the use of capital letters.
419 | P a g e
214. Below Level 2 - Alice
Description: The Dazzling City of Fratsia
Alice attempts to describe the city in this piece: so hot, so big. However, the description has little
structure and the piece almost becomes like a letter: I live in the city, what is your name. The
description of Fratsia becomes a description of London and Alice adds personal details. Some
sentences are correctly punctuated and some attempts at spelling are successful.
420 | P a g e
Summary
In both pieces teacher mediation is required in some parts in order to communicate meaning. The
lapses into narrative and repetition show that Alice cannot sustain purpose throughout her writing and
so is not yet able to write consistently in non-narrative forms. Alice has not included much sentence
punctuation. In order to attain Level 2, Alice needs to show some awareness of the reader in her
writing. Overall Alice’s work was assessed as below Level 2.
215. Just Level 2 - Christopher

In this short letter, Christopher writes as Sanji. He engages the reader straight away with the direct
appeal to the magician: please give our smells back we are missing them very much and continues with
a series of relevant ideas expressed in simple sentences. Although the letter does communicate
meaning, it becomes a little confusing towards the end when the smells are personified: do you them
poor old smells like it in that bottle. Most of the sentences are punctuated with full stops but are not
followed by capital letters. Christopher spells a range of words correctly: please, give, bottle, happy,
sad. Attempts at very (vary) bread (brad) are phonetically plausible.
The Dazzling City of Fratsia

In this description, some words are chosen for effect: eye catching, proud, shining. A range of words
are spelled correctly: front, live, singing, round, money, and plausible phonetic attempts are made at
others: enofe, rilee. However, some spellings are hard to decipher: mercuet, proed.
Ideas are developed in a series of simple sentences and some are linked with the connective but. Some
sentence punctuation is used appropriately. Although Christopher’s handwriting is legible, throughout
the piece some upper case letters are used inappropriately.
421 | P a g e
422 | P a g e
Summary
Across the two pieces, Christopher shows evidence of Level 2 attainment in his ability to handle the
letter and descriptive forms, his choice of vocabulary and his spelling. However, he does need to
develop a more consistent use of full stops and capital letters. His handwriting is legible but contains a
mixture of upper and lower case letters. Overall, his performance was assessed as just Level 2.
217. Secure Level 2 - Wayne

423 | P a g e
Wayne has made effective use of some of the ideas in the story - bakery smells, silver coins - and
shows an awareness of his reader, addressing the magician as you. There are pleas and inducements to
the magician, mixed with some information about the effects of the theft on the people of Fratsia.
Full stops and capital letters are often used appropriately. There are attempts to use a variety of
sentence structures: Would you please..., Even the animals..., What else could you... . Wayne does not
use a broad range of vocabulary. Although there are attempts to write persuasively, there is perhaps
too much repetition of please.
Wayne’s handwriting is, for the most part, legible. His attempts at spelling are quite successful
although the mistake, beging, shows that he has not yet learned to change the root when he adds the
-ing suffix.
218. Secure Level 2 - Wayne

424 | P a g e
Wayne uses appropriate adjectives to describe the city of Fratsia: beautiful, cosy, simple, lovely,
although there is repetition of nice. His ideas are not organised logically, although he is clear about the
purpose of the piece. He uses simple sentences but not always with full stops and capital letters. There
are details to appeal to the reader: The people... swap things like spices, chilly, fruit, anything they can
get hold of. Many words are spelled correctly and his attempts to spell beautiful and lovely are
phonetically plausible. Wayne’s handwriting is uneven but is mostly joined.
Summary
In these two pieces, Wayne shows a range of features typical of secure Level 2 attainment. His letter
and description show that he understands how to write for different audiences and purposes, but he
does not yet know how to organise ideas logically in non-narrative form. Wayne shows an awareness
of the reader by providing some detail. He often uses simple sentences with some appropriate
punctuation and understands some uses of the comma. The handwriting is mostly legible although
uneven.
425 | P a g e
219. High Level 2 - Sally
Letter: Dear Mr Magician
Sally immediately grabs the reader’s attention with the opening question: Shall I tell you why the
people of Fratsia are so unhappy? She then gives a very clear explanation describing why the people
are so unhappy. This letter is constructed as a series of simple sentences and the sentence punctuation
is almost entirely correct. The content is quite sophisticated as Sally expresses a number of reasoned
arguments in the appeal to make Fratsia a nicer place and in the offer of sharing the smells. The letter
closes with a persuasive appeal to the magician’s conscience.
Summary
Appropriate adjectives are chosen and are used for variety: wonderful, sweet juicy oranges and soft
ripe peaches. Spelling is generally accurate with a good attempt to spell appreciate. The handwriting
is joined and legible.
426 | P a g e
220. High Level 2 - Sally
In this short piece, Sally uses ideas from the story to form the description of Fratsia. For example,
reference is made to the greedy baker, the merchants and the crusty bread. Her ideas are developed in
a sequence of simple sentences which are correctly punctuated and she demonstrates the use of
commas and exclamation marks. The first sentence, however, is more complex in structure, using
apart from to link ideas. The description of the seagulls pecking at things is quite imaginative and the
closing sentence is particularly engaging. Spelling is almost entirely accurate; the slip wouldent
indicates that Sally is not yet aware of the use of the apostrophe to show the omission of a letter.
Summary
Across these two pieces, the spelling, handwriting and punctuation show good attainment at Level 2 as
well as some evidence of Level 3 attainment. Sally can vary her writing style to suit her purpose and
audience. She uses simple sentences to express clear and imaginative ideas. On balance, these two
pieces show typical features of high Level 2 attainment.
427 | P a g e
221. Just Level 3 - Patrick
The letter begins in a chastising tone: Why did you do it? then Patrick moves on to appeal to the
magician’s conscience by describing the effects of his actions. There is some development of ideas;
not only are the people missing their favourite smells but they are in danger because they cannot smell
fire. Patrick uses some connectives such as because and if to develop his points.
A variety of words are spelled correctly: coffee, flowers, danger. Patrick also demonstrates that he can
tell the difference between are / our. Punctuation to mark sentences is accurate, and some commas are
used accurately. However, Patrick does not always consistently use an apostrophe to denote the
omission of a letter: Id, youd.
428 | P a g e
222. Just Level 3 - Patrick
In this piece, the reader is engaged by the use of a variety of appropriate adjectives to describe the city:
wonderful, lovely, bright, beautiful, luxurious. Some of the sentences are quite complex: It looks so
beautiful and vivid you would think I am making it up. Some words are spelled correctly and most
incorrect attempts are also phonetically possible: brite, vews, sbor, frendly. The punctuation to denote
sentences is correct and the handwriting is joined and legible.
Summary
Throughout the two pieces, Patrick is beginning to show signs of attainment within Level 3, especially
in the use of sentence structure and punctuation. The letter and description show that he can write for a
variety of purposes and audiences. Although he can spell many words accurately, the incorrect
attempts suggest that he needs to learn letter patterns as well as relying on sound. Overall, the two
pieces show typical features of just Level 3.
429 | P a g e
223. Secure Level 3 - Atanu
430 | P a g e
Atanu engages the reader straight away with the opening question: Why have you taken our smells?
The letter continues in a lively way as the effects on the traders and people of Fratsia are described.
Atanu writes as Sanji and uses some of the ideas in the story which add to the appeal of the letter.
Some of the vocabulary used is impressive: lost their charm, encountered, regard them so highly.
The basic grammatical structure of the sentences is usually correct, although there are a few slips: I for
one are missing, and The whole of Fratsia our praying... . However, some of the sentence structures
are more complex: Everyone would think you so kind... . Various words and phrases to connect ideas
are used such as especially, but never before. Spelling and punctuation, including question marks and
commas, are almost entirely accurate. Handwriting is joined but uneven.
431 | P a g e
224. Secure Level 3 - Atanu
432 | P a g e
The ideas used in this description are extended from the story; the smells from the bakery are
described and the characters of the baker and merchants appear. There are some interesting visual
details: the roof tops of the buildings are all sorts of shapes; dome shapes, top points, hat shapes.
Different sentence structures are used for variety. However, the piece is not logically structured as it
tends to jump from one idea to another. The last two sentences in particular seem to be rather
disjointed from the rest of the description. Spelling and punctuation are mostly accurate, although
some slips are made towards the end of the description.
Summary
The detail in the letter, the choice of vocabulary and the variety of sentence structures show that Atanu
can write in a lively way for a variety of audiences. Spelling and punctuation are accurate and there is
some use of within-sentence punctuation. The letter is particularly engaging. However, the description
would benefit from more structure and both pieces are perhaps a little too reliant on the story for ideas.
Atanu’s handwriting is joined though uneven. On balance, these two pieces show secure Level 3
attainment.
433 | P a g e
225. High Level 3 - Melanie
In this letter Melanie approaches the magician as an advocate for the people of Fratsia, a stance which
she sustains throughout the piece. The opening sentence strikes an appropriate tone of formality: I am
writing to you on behalf of the people of Fratsia. She uses connectives to develop her ideas logically
and uses a series of well thought out arguments to convince the magician to set the smells free. She
describes the plight of the merchants, the florists and the bakers in an imaginative way. The letter goes
on to summarise the problem effectively: you are causing a great deal of sadness; and closes with an
attempt to appeal to the magician’s conscience: Please give them back their smells and end this
misery.
434 | P a g e
Melanie uses a range of vocabulary: worthless, emit, misery. She uses varied sentence structures with
connectives such as but, even though, because, and if to help organise his arguments and structure her
letter. Her spelling and punctuation are entirely correct, with one use of commas to separate a phrase.
226. High Level 3 - Melanie

In this piece, Melanie uses some vivid descriptions and details to engage the reader. Her ideas are
structured logically, with the description moving from the outside appearance of the city to the scene
in the market place. She uses some impressive vocabulary: clifftop, turrets, incorporated, magnificent.
She also uses combinations of adjectives to build up a picture: strong, thick wall. A variety of sentence
structures are used and Melanie makes use of within-sentence punctuation: ... five turrets, each with ....
Melanie shows that she can spell a variety of polysyllabic words accurately, and her rare mistakes tend
to show difficulties with vowel combinations. Her handwriting is joined and legible.
435 | P a g e
Summary
These two pieces show that Melanie can write in an imaginative, clear and lively way for different
purposes. She uses a range of vocabulary for effect. She is beginning to develop her ideas logically
and thoughtfully, using connectives and a variety of sentence structures. Spelling is accurate, as is
punctuation including some within-sentence punctuation. On balance, the two pieces show evidence of
high Level 3 attainment.
227. Just Level 4 - James

436 | P a g e
This letter shows some logical order. The opening sentences catch the reader’s attention, emphasised
by appropriate use of exclamation marks. The piece is imaginative, for example, in the reference to
stink bombs and the graphic descriptions of the effects of the theft. The final paragraph contains a
summing up and a final plea, although the financial inducement seems to have been added as an
afterthought.
There are varied sentence structures, including complex sentences with because, by removing and One
terrible thing is... . James adds details to create interest: blood and guts and brains and flesh are flying
everywhere! and the reference to the number of residents. Interesting words are chosen for variety: the
rich smells..., the fresh smells..., the bright smells..., the mouth-watering smells... . James tries to write
persuasively by means of the these descriptive details, contrasting the chaos with the attractive
description of smells.
228. Just Level 4 - James

Description: The dazzling city of Fratsia
437 | P a g e
The piece begins with a vivid description, showing a range of vocabulary, towers, minarets, and
pinnacles. The added detail about the shouting and calling of the people is imaginative. The piece then
contains a surprise, signalled dramatically by BUT... . An alternative view of Fratsia is presented,
together with a string of appropriate vocabulary, disgusting, foul, gross looking, smelly. However, the
contrast is not quite sustained and the piece loses its structure towards the end, Anyway that’s... .
Punctuation is used appropriately, including commas and exclamation marks. Spelling is almost
entirely accurate including the spelling of several polysyllabic words such as covered, disgusting, and
population. The handwriting is joined and legible.
Summary
Overall James’ writing is beginning to show signs of level 4 attainment. He is beginning to organise
his ideas appropriately for different purposes, vary his sentence structures and choose vocabulary well
to engage the reader’s interest. Spelling, punctuation and handwriting are quite accurate. James needs
to structure his ideas more logically. On balance, these two pieces show typical features of just
Level 4 attainment.
229. Below level 2 - Sarah

Letter
438 | P a g e
Sarah’s letter clearly adopts the characters of Carla and her Grandad from the story, but the ideas are
simple and rather disjointed. Although there is little introduction to the piece, the final greeting does
show some awareness of the conventions of letter writing. Two basic elements of the original story are
evident: Carla’s new baby brother and a reference to magpies. Towards the middle of the piece Sarah
loses her train of thought, making it difficult for the reader to follow. Capital letters are a feature of the
writing, but are not used to demarcate sentences. One connective, ‘but’, is used and there is minimal
sentence punctuation. Monosyllabic and some phonically regular longer words are spelled correctly.
Incorrect attempts appear to be based on an awareness of sound-symbol relationships: ‘plest’
(pleased), ‘finshing’ (finishing), ‘sone’ (soon), ‘goodby’. Individual letters are correctly formed and all
are correctly orientated.
230. Below level 2 - Sarah

Description
Sarah’s brief description of her dog consists of a series of simple statements. Sarah shows some
awareness of the reader, addressing what she says to ‘you’, but she does not clearly differentiate
speech and writing: ‘as you can see’. The piece is not clearly structured and there is little attempt to
punctuate sentences. Simple spellings are mostly correct, but all attempts at polysyllabic words are
incorrect: becaase (because), sposs (suppose), playfull (playful).
Summary
Sarah can express simple thoughts and ideas that are relevant to the topic. She shows some awareness
of the conventions of narrative writing. However, her lack of control of sentence structure and her
uncertainty about adaptation of speech into writing leads to a lack of consistency. She can spell simple
words correctly, but lacks strategies for dealing with more complex words. Overall, her work was
assessed as below level 2.
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231. Just level 2 -Adrian
Letter
This piece shows that Adrian is aware of some of the conventions of letter writing, for example the
initial inquiry about Grandad’s health and the closing remarks. The ideas in the letter draw on the
original story as reference is made to the bird table, the snow and Carla not liking school. There is
some confusion about the sequencing of events: ‘My mum is hafing a baby and it is called Tony’. The
letter is composed of lists of ideas joined together with the word ‘and’, with little sentence
punctuation. However, the letter does communicate meaning.
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Spelling shows a reliance on basic sound-symbol correspondences. There is some confusion between
the ‘f’ and ‘v’ sounds: visit is written as ‘fishit’ and having as ‘hafing’. However, some words are
spelled correctly such as ‘snowing’, ‘called’ and ‘back’. The handwriting is legible although it
contains a mix of upper and lower case letters.
232. Just level 2 -Adrian

Description
In this piece, Adrian describes his favourite object and explains why it is so special. However, some
parts of the description are difficult to understand without teacher mediation and there are no full
stops. Some words are hard to decipher (‘yelley’, ‘casrer’) although many words are spelled correctly,
and there are good attempts at words such as Christmas (‘chrstmas’) and Nintendo (‘Nitandow’).
Summary
Adrian’s letter and description both communicate meaning although the description is not entirely
clear. The letter shows an awareness of some of the conventions of letter writing, but the sequencing
of events is somewhat confused. In both pieces, he shows that he can select and express some relevant
ideas, but he is not yet able to organise these logically in non-narrative forms. Attempts at spelling in
both pieces are often phonetically plausible with some monosyllabic and polysyllabic words spelled
correctly. Adrian needs to develop his use of sentence punctuation and his ability to organise ideas
more thoughtfully. Although legible, his handwriting is inconsistent and contains a mixture of lower
and upper case letters. Overall, his performance was assessed as just level 2.
441 | P a g e
233. Secure level 2 - Jack
Letter
In this letter, Jack successfully conveys much information about Carla’s little brother. It is
conversational in tone: ‘I didn’t have time to write Grandad’. The tone is conversational with repeated
use of ‘I am’, ‘I have’, ‘he has’, ‘he is’. In the central section, jack’s sequence of ideas is not
demarcated into sentences but joined by several uses of ‘and’ and ‘but’. Some punctuation is used
correctly however, including one question mark. The vocabulary used is appropriate and quite varied:
‘cute’, ‘gets on my nerves’, ‘rosy cheeks’. Jack even uses the synonyms ‘smells’ and ‘stinks’ for
effect.
442 | P a g e
Many words are spelled correctly: ‘brother’, ‘called’, ‘nerves’, ‘nappies’. The attempt at cheeks
(‘cheecks’) shows that Jack is aware of the ‘ck’ letter pattern but has misused it in this attempt. His
attempt to spell countryside (‘conutryside’) suggests that he is relying on a visual memory of the shape
of the word. The handwriting is legible, but uneven, with a mixture of joined and unjoined words.
234. Secure level 2 - Jack

Description
In this piece, Jack is able to communicate plenty of details about his camera in an enthusiastic manner.
He occasionally uses sentence punctuation correctly. Although the sequence of ideas is coherent, the
description itself is unclear in places. An impressive range of words is spelled correctly: ‘picture’,
‘quick’, ‘light’, ‘sometimes’, ‘finished’ and ‘winded’, indicate that Jack is aware of the pattern of
adding ‘ed’ to a word to signify the past tense. The handwriting is legible, although some capital
letters appear randomly.
443 | P a g e
Summary
Across these two pieces, Jack shows a range of features of secure level 2 attainment. His letter
conveys a lot of appropriate information and he attempts to use a varied vocabulary to add interest.
The style is mainly informal, and sentence punctuation is used only occasionally. His description
shows he is beginning to organise ideas logically in non-narrative form, and the two pieces show that
he is beginning to understand how to write for different audiences and purposes. Jack demonstrates
that he can spell a wide range of words correctly. Although uneven, his handwriting is legible and
mostly joined.
235. High level 2 - Dawn

Letter
444 | P a g e
Dawn uses the themes from the story to form her ideas for the letter, including references to the carved
magpie and the bird table. Dawn even manages to create the urgency found in Carla’s letters with her
own catalogue of questions: ‘So how are you feeling?’ ‘What’s the weather like? [... ] Just one more
question’. Her ideas are expressed through a sequence of simple sentences. Most of these are correctly
demarcated, but others have the sentence breaks unmarked or marked by commas. Question marks and
apostrophes are used appropriately. A good range of connectives and phrases are used to vary pace
and maintain the reader’s attention: ‘I’m so surprised, Oh, I’d better tell you’. Throughout the piece,
spelling is almost entirely correct and the handwriting is joined and legible.
236. High level 2 - Dawn

Description
The details Dawn gives and the adjectives she uses in this description are so effective that she
communicates what her object is without ever having to explicitly name it. Her use of similes is
adventurous: ‘Her eyes are blue like a dolphin, her eyes glisten like the sun’. The piece is constructed
by a series of simple sentences, often beginning with ‘My object’. Full stops and capital letters are
used correctly, but within-sentence punctuation is missing. Spelling is usually correct, and incorrect
attempts are phonetically plausible: ‘cudderly’, ‘dolthin’.
445 | P a g e
Summary
Overall, these two pieces of writing demonstrate that Dawn can communicate meaning effectively,
using appropriate and interesting vocabulary. Her letter shows an awareness of the reader and attempts
are made to vary pace and maintain attention. The style she adopts in the letter is carefully drawn from
the original story. Dawn’s description is thoughtfully constructed and she uses a range of vocabulary
to build an effective picture of her object. In both pieces though, ideas are expressed in simple
sentences and there is some repetition of sentence openings, especially in the description. The spelling,
handwriting and punctuation show good attainment at level 2 as well as some evidence of level 3
attainment. On balance, these two pieces show features of high level 2 attainment.
237. Just level 3 - Salim

Letter
446 | P a g e
The tone and style is appropriate for a letter to a family member. Questions and exclamations are used
appropriately. Some variations in sentence length are used for effect: ‘I wander.’ There are indications
of the beginnings of written style.
The content is relevant, concentrating on details around the new baby, and with some use of the story
origins by referring briefly to the carved magpie. However, the content is not particularly organised,
although the paragraph break is appropriate. There is repetition of content: ‘please visit soon.’
The full stops, question marks and exclamation marks used are correct, but the sentence structure is
not always secure and the lack of use of commas reinforces this. The sentence structures more closely
resemble speech, particularly in the longer sentences. The more complex spellings are not correct:
‘curios’, ‘proberly’, ‘jeolouse’, and other vocabulary is limited to frequently used words.
238. Just level 3 - Salim

Description
This piece begins very well: ‘My special object doesn’t look very special’, by using the title in a
contradictory way. The first nine lines are appropriate and follow up the initial idea. However, after
this, the piece lacks organisation and, while the content is relevant, it is not integrated into the piece as
a whole.
447 | P a g e
There is some use of connectives: ‘but’, ‘even though’, ‘when’, but sentences are not fully controlled
and tend to become a series of statements without punctuation. Capital letters for names are not used.
Most spellings are correct, but Salim still has difficulty with some common but frequently erroneous
spellings: ‘dosn’t’, ‘quit’.
Summary
These two pieces show Salim is beginning to develop a written style and can use words and sentences
for effect. He has relevant ideas and can develop them, using simple connectives. Whilst the
vocabulary is mostly unadventurous, the meaning is clear.
The organisation of longer sentences owes more to patterns of speech, and the lack of commas to show
sentence structures reinforces this lack of precision. The writing tends to begin well but lacks
organisation overall, which suggests that Salim has not thought out the ending before starting to write.
Each piece has a paragraph break used appropriately.
These two pieces show the qualities of just level 3 writing, where a written style is developing but at
sentence and text level is not yet fully controlled. Spelling and punctuation are also at a basically
competent stage and more complex words tend to be misspelled.
448 | P a g e
239. Secure level 3 - Tali
Letter
449 | P a g e
Tali writes as if she is speaking directly to Grandad. Her letter includes recognisable aspects of the
characters and relevant information about the new bird table, the new baby brother and Grandad’s
recent illness. The ending shows clear evidence of an understanding of letter conventions, but the
piece opens abruptly with a statement about the new bird table and lacks an appropriate introduction.
There is some intention to create interest as shown by the inclusion of details: the ‘brilliant’ new bird
table, and Tali’s appropriate afterthought, ‘P.S. I really, really loved the magpie you made me.’ There
is an informal, chatty style with varied sentence structures and the use of ‘because’, ‘but’ and ‘which’
help to organise Tali’s ideas. However, the piece lacks sustained logical development and details are
not always developed at a suitable length.
Tali’s letter shows clear evidence of an understanding of sentence punctuation in the use of full stops
and capitals, although one full stop has been omitted. Three commas are used to separate clauses,
although one is applied incorrectly: ‘I hope it’s not so cold where you live, now because. . ..’ There is
one grammatical error, the substitution in: ‘because a love writing letters to you...’. Handwriting is
joined and legible and, although most spellings are correct, there is little attempt to use adventurous
vocabulary. The errors in ‘writting’ and ‘reciving’ show that Tali is aware of letter patterns and
spelling rules but does not always apply them correctly.
450 | P a g e
240. Secure level 3 - Tali
Description
451 | P a g e
Tali’s description communicates meaning through a series of statements and observations. Some
organisational features are present: the open sentence defines the context, but Tali purposely neglects
to provide the reader with all of the information about her special object. Her ‘oldest cuddly toy’ is not
clearly defined and she concludes with the question: ‘Can you guess what it is?’ Her writing shows an
awareness of the reader and the purpose, but seems to lack overall direction or pace. She provides
rather exhaustive coverage of the colour of the toy and the amount of damage it has sustained over the
years. Only one paragraph is used to separate ideas. Beginnings of a written style are evident and Tali
uses some simple imagery to help create interest: ‘the same colour as the sparkling sea, its mouth is as
pink as a pig’. Some of the writing appears clumsy, and Tali makes one noticeable grammatical error
with a comparative: ‘It’s very soft but when I got it, it was even more softer.’
Most sentences are correctly demarcated and there is some correct usage of within-sentence
punctuation. ‘Which’, ‘so’, ‘where’ and ‘because’ are used to link clauses. Spelling is accurate with
the exception of ‘noes’ (nose).
Summary
Throughout the two pieces, Tali demonstrates that she has developed a sense of audience in her
writing. The provision of detail, choice of interesting vocabulary and the variety of sentence structures
used in her letter show that she can write in a lively way for a variety of audiences. Her description
shows the beginnings of a written style and an ability to structure sentences effectively. Her
weaknesses lie in the overall structure of her writing which sometimes lacks sustained logical
development and pace. Spellings are mostly correct and handwriting is joined and legible. Overall,
Tali’s work shows secure performance within level 3 attainment.
452 | P a g e
241. High level 3 - Laura
Letter
453 | P a g e
This piece immediately engages the reader’s attention through the urgent, opening exclamation: ‘I
know I haven’t written for a while, and yes, the baby was a boy!’ With this, Laura carries forward the
relationship between the two letter writers. The piece contains a variety of information with details
which add burnout and interest: the ‘funny little squirrel’ called Sirrel, the new school friend and
dinner companion and the mischievous baby brother who suddenly ‘spilt mum’s tea all over the floor’
whilst the letter is being composed. Laura draws the letter to an effective conclusion, with her wish
that her baby brother ‘could talk know because it sometimes gets lonely here’. Although ideas are
sustained and the writing shows the beginnings of organisation and control, the piece is not always
organised logically. As Laura is not yet proficient in the use of paragraphing, ideas are not clearly
differentiated and the writing appears to jump from one subject to the next.
Simple connectives and a varied sentence structure show evidence of the beginnings of a written style:
‘We always eat . . ‘, ‘Mum and dad said...’. The piece provides clear evidence that Laura has an
understanding of sentence structure and of the use of full stops, capital letters and exclamation marks.
The misspellings: ‘Sirrel’ (Cyril), ‘hollidays’, ‘beable’ (be able) and ‘know’ (now) show an awareness
of letter patterns. Handwriting is neat, joined and legible.
454 | P a g e
242. High level 3 - Laura
Description
In this piece, Laura uses some imaginative descriptions and details in order to engage the reader. Ideas
are sustained, although they are not always logically structured. It moves from a brief introductory
statement, through to some description of the doll’s appearance, on to a brief history of its origins, and
then returns to a fairly exhaustive account of what the doll looks like.
455 | P a g e
Laura successfully uses combinations of adjectives to help build a vivid picture: ‘swirly gold lace’,
‘tiny white shoes’, ‘twinkling blue eyes’, as well as the simile: ‘ivory as white as chalk’. A variety of
sentence structures are used which are sometimes quite complex, but Laura does not make use of
within-sentence punctuation. ‘But’, ‘which’ and ‘that’ are used to shape some of the ideas. Laura
shows that she can spell a variety of polysyllabic words accurately, including: ‘completely’,
‘coloured’, ‘patterns’, ‘wearing’, ‘umbrella’, but has incorrectly spelled: ‘speceal’, ‘barley’ (barely),
‘earings’, ‘matearial’, showing that she is not quite sure about the application of her knowledge of
letter patterns. Most punctuation is correct, although there is evidence of some lapses in her ability to
use capitalisation correctly, and she is not yet proficient in demarcating clauses within sentences.
Summary
Over these two pieces, Laura is beginning to show signs of level 4 attainment. Her letter is
imaginative, lively and immediately engaging. The piece contains a variety of appropriate information
and detail intended to sustain interest. The description includes some imaginative vocabulary and ideas
are sustained. A variety of sentence structures is used in both pieces, although Laura is not yet
proficient in the use of within-sentence punctuation. Although she can write with some imagination
and accuracy, she needs to show more logical organisation of her ideas in non-narrative pieces such as
these. Laura can spell a range of polysyllabic words correctly, and her spelling errors demonstrate a
knowledge of letter patterns. On balance, the two pieces show evidence of high level 3 attainment.
456 | P a g e
243. Just level 4 - Adam
Letter
This letter succeeds in echoing the style of the original and conveying a range of relevant information
about the new baby, the carved magpie and Carla’s continuing progress at school. Ideas are organised
logically and arranged into three main paragraphs. Some imagination is shown in the selection of
details: ‘in a cot in my room by the window’; Carla fetching ‘a warm bottle of milk’ to keep her new
baby brother quiet at night, and the disclosure that ‘A bit of paint is coming off the magpie.’ After
relaying events related to Carla’s own artistic capabilities at school, the piece finds a suitable
conclusion in the question: ‘Did you get a gold star when you were young?’ This continues the
dialogue between the two correspondents.
457 | P a g e
Evidence of a written style is shown through varied sentence structures: ‘If he cries during...’, ‘Miss
said it was ...’ as well as the use of connectives: ‘if’, ‘then’, ‘but’. Adam is clearly proficient in his use
of full stops, capitals and question marks, though there is no attempt to use commas to separate
clauses. Spelling is mostly accurate with the exception of ‘crys’, where Adam has not applied the
spelling rule about the final ‘–y’. Handwriting is neat, mostly joined and legible.
244. Just level 4 - Adam

Description
458 | P a g e
Adam opens with a relevant introductory statement and proceeds with a series of points and
observations about his Playstation. These points are dealt with in a sensible order and the description
is clearly differentiated into three paragraphs. These cover three main topic areas: its purchase and
why it is special; how it operates; and the games that can be played on it.
Adam’s shift from impersonal constructions to the direct imperative: ‘Turn on the telly and press the
power button and your playstation is up and running’, helps to engage the reader’s interest.
Appropriately chosen vocabulary, including some technical and specific words and phrases, enhance
the precision of the piece: ‘Sony Playstation’, ‘Virgin Megastore’, ‘Final Fantasy VII’, ‘Nagano
Winter Olympics’. Most sentences are correctly demarcated and there is some evidence of the correct
usage of commas within sentences. Adam is clearly proficient in the capitalisation of proper nouns. He
is able to use abbreviations as well as acknowledge the convention of using speech marks when
referring to a title. Spelling is entirely accurate.
Summary
In both pieces, Adam’s writing is coherent, concise and to the point. The ideas in his letter are
organised logically and details are included to add interest. The variety of sentence structures used in
the letter show evidence of a written style, although many are quite simple constructions, as in the
original model. Adam’s description includes attempts to engage the reader, and his writing is clearly
structured. Effective technical vocabulary is used to enhance precision, and nearly all words are
spelled correctly. On balance, these two pieces show the logic, variety and clarity that are typical
features of just level 4 attainment.
459 | P a g e
245. Secure Level 4 - Nicola
Letter
This letter is direct in addressing ‘Grandad’ and uses the original story very well, picking up on the
main ideas and using them effectively to create the sense of the relationships. Details are added for
effect: ‘Mum and dad are very pleased with me’, ‘a rabbit with a hat on’.
460 | P a g e
The use of some simple sentences, particularly at the end, echoes the direct style of the story.
However, there are few complex sentences, and opportunities to develop connections between
statements are missed. Punctuation is correct, and spelling, mostly of straightforward words, is
accurate.
Though not particularly ambitious, this writing communicates a range of relevant information
effectively.
461 | P a g e
246. Below Level 3 - Daniel
Story
462 | P a g e
Daniel’s story consists of a clearly told sequence of events, in which he sees a pirate ship, contacts the
authorities and takes part in a sea battle. There is some detail in the description of the pirate ship at the
beginning and in the use of direct speech. There is a defined ending which is rather abrupt. The story
consists almost entirely of simple sentence structures, with little use of connectives other than and.
Daniel’s writing does not show a clear understanding of sentence punctuation, with a number of
inappropriately placed full stops and capital letters. Speech marks are beginning to be used correctly,
however. Daniel is able to spell many words correctly, including some with more complex spelling
patterns such as through, but his attempts at unknown words are based on simple phonics: pieret,
anoth, ialand, treasher. The handwriting is correctly formed and legible, although uneven and
generally not joined.
463 | P a g e
247. Below Level 3 - Daniel
Poster
In his poster the main message is clear, Help Turtles. Daniel is able to impart some information about
the problems turtles face and he has recognised some ways in which they might be helped. However,
the poster does not have a clear sense of audience, as some of the information is addressed directly at
tourists and some at the authorities. Daniel does not address the main purpose of the poster in that he
there is no mention of the collection. He does, however, show some attempt to appeal to readers by
contrasting the different attitudes of the characters in his poster. He shows the beginnings of an
understanding of design conventions by using different lettering and layout,
464 | P a g e
Summary
In these two pieces Daniel shows that he is beginning to understand how to write for different
purposes. He is able to narrate a story and to include some detail, and he is beginning to develop a
sense of audience in his writing. He is beginning to organise his ideas but needs more experience in
presenting detail and interest for his audience. Overall Daniel’s work was assessed as below Level 3.
248. Just Level 3 - Becky

Story
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In Becky’s story, which is told in the third person, the amazing discovery turns out to be a number of
ancient artefacts. There is some effective description in the opening paragraph: an ancient warrior
helmet ... shiny and golden with little bits of silver on it. Becky attempts a fairly complex storyline:
Edward and his friends are prevented by circumstances from searching further, and later hear that
valuable discoveries have been made in the meantime. The pacing of this is rather uneven, however,
with a lengthy section of direct speech in the middle which holds up the narrative. There is some
variety of sentence structure: walked on in the windy weather for a while ... ; down by the riverside
where all the kids hang out together .... Becky’s writing does not show a consistent approach to
sentence punctuation, with some breaks unmarked or marked with commas. Her spelling of simple
polysyllabic words is usually accurate: helmet, golden, digging, birthday, and her handwriting is
joined and quite even.
466 | P a g e
249. Just Level 3 - Becky
Poster
Becky’s poster makes an appeal which is direct and to the point. The purpose of the collection is clear
and has been independently derived from the source materials. Her choice of words shows an attempt
to persuade her audience and she makes the point that the turtles may never be seen in Saltos again.
However, the poster lacks detail and the actual problems faced by the turtles, other than being stamped
on, have not been addressed. She has shown some understanding of design and layout conventions
using different letter types and sizes.
467 | P a g e
Summary
Becky shows that she can narrate a story clearly and include detail to interest her readers, in spite of
some weaknesses in punctuation and structure. Her poster has a clear sense of persuasive purpose and
some details. Overall, Becky’s work has enough strengths to be assessed as just Level 3 across the
two pieces.
468 | P a g e
250. Secure Level 3 - Amir
Story
469 | P a g e
Amir’s story takes the form of a simple narrative in which he meets and makes friends with an alien.
There is detail and some attempt at creating suspense in the opening paragraph, which describes the
mysterious object effectively, but leaves the reader to guess what it is: I could make out a shadow then
a bright light then a dazzling, beaming light and a shape. Detail is also given in the description of the
alien: a strange, green, pink spotty and ugly thing, and direct speech is used to move the action
forward. Towards the end the narrative becomes less well paced, but the final sentences round the
story off with a direct comment to the reader. Sentence punctuation is generally accurate and there are
some correct uses of commas and speech marks. Spelling is almost entirely accurate. Amir’s errors
show that he is still not sure about adding -ing to verbs (dazzleing but shaking) and using apostrophes
to abbreviate words (where for we’re). Handwriting is joined and neat.
470 | P a g e
251. Secure Level 3 - Amir
Poster
Amir’s poster makes a direct appeal to the reader asking for a donation of 50p or more towards the
campaign. He explains, persuasively, that the purpose of the collection is to try and save these
beautiful creatures from extinction. He does not present a written review of the problems the turtles
face although this information is addressed by the illustrations. He also uses the turtle illustration itself
to appeal directly for help. Amir’s poster has some impact and includes most of the relevant
information.
471 | P a g e
Summary
Amir’s writing shows secure performance within Level 3. He is beginning to write in ways which
engage the reader’s interest, and to have a clear sense of audience, but still needs to learn to sustain
pacing, Organisation and structure within his work.
252. High Level 3 - Sarah

Story
472 | P a g e
Sarah writes an adventure story about a ride on a lumpy monster. It consists of a short sequence of
events, clearly structured and fairly well paced. The storyline is simple but the reader’s interest is
engaged and maintained by the use of well chosen and varied verbs; stammered, darted, glimmered,
suggested, adjectives; humungous, long, lumpy, loud, and some adverbs; swiftly, which give detail.
Sarah’s writing shows the beginnings of organisation and control. Dialogue and description are
included and there is some attempt to create mystery in her simple but effective ending. Spelling is
almost entirely accurate with the exception of beleive at the end. Sentence punctuation is not entirely
consistent, with some sentences not properly demarcated, but there are instances of speech marks,
commas, question marks and exclamation marks all used appropriately.
473 | P a g e
253. High Level 3 - Sarah
Poster
In her poster Sarah clearly states the reasons for the collection and explains how the money will be
spent. She uses pictures and numbered points to summarise the problems faced by turtles and
introduces a persuasive illustration of a sad little turtle saying My babies have been stolen. The poster
is well laid out, all the relevant information is included and the main points are highlighted by block
capitals and underlining.
474 | P a g e
Summary
Over these two pieces Sarah has shown that she can write for different purposes and audiences,
organise her ideas and include details to interest her readers. Her work is beginning to show signs of
Level 4 performance in its structure and interest, but she needs more experience at sustaining ideas
and rather more control of punctuation. Overall, these pieces were assessed as showing high
attainment within Level 3.
475 | P a g e
254. Just Level 4 - Joshua
Story
476 | P a g e
477 | P a g e
Joshua develops the story opening into a fantasy with a giant eagle which only he can see. He manages
a series of logically related events – helping the eagle to find her way, finding the hatched eggs – and
rounds off the story simply with a reflection on the day’s events. Dialogue is used effectively to move
the action forward and to suggest the friend’s reaction. There is detail to interest the reader: an eagle, a
great golden eagle ...; its bead was a dull gold colour and its body was fluffy and white ....; the
colourful map ... and awareness of the reader is also shown in asides: now I really thought I was
dreaming ...; to our surprise .... Sentence punctuation is not entirely consistent with some unmarked
sentence breaks. Speech marks are used correctly. Joshua’s spelling is generally accurate, with some
mistakes involving words that sound the same: their and write. His handwriting is joined and even.
478 | P a g e
255. Just Level 4 - Joshua
Poster
In his poster, Joshua has chosen a selection of slogans to engage his reader’s interest beginning with
Beaches are not just for us! The relevant details are included and vocabulary has been chosen to be
persuasive. Some of the problems of the turtles are presented around the main message that Sea turtles
are dying out here – because of tourists. He has used a variety of letter types and the appeal for money
is presented in capitals and underlined. Although his use of design and layout conventions is a little
muddled the poster achieves its purpose and has emotive impact.
479 | P a g e
Summary
Overall, Joshua’s writing is adjusted to its purposes and shows that vocabulary is chosen for its effect
on the reader. His story is well structured and the detail in both pieces of writing suggest that on
balance his work shows just enough strengths for an award of Level 4.
480 | P a g e
256. Secure Level 4 - Jodi
Story
481 | P a g e
482 | P a g e
In this piece Jodi develops a simple story which is told with control and awareness of the reader. The
opening evokes an effective visual image: a whole swarm of every sea creature you could imagine,
from a tiny shrimp, to the dolphin ...; then they sent one little wave forward .... The message in a bottle
provides a turning point in the plot, and the reader’s reaction is managed as Jodi realises what she has
to do. The final sentence forms an effective closure, contrasting the physical cold of the sea with the
warm with happiness feeling. Jodi uses a variety of simple and complex sentences to shape her
writing. Apart from the first sentence, which is over-long, punctuation is generally accurate. Commas
are used correctly to separate phrases, and there are speech marks and series of dots. Spelling is
accurate apart from whatched and happiness and Jodi’s handwriting is neat and mainly joined.
483 | P a g e
257. Secure Level 4 - Jodi
Poster
Jodi’s poster conveys all the relevant information in a clearly ordered and informative presentation.
She uses a combination of slogans and full sentences to deliver both main points and details. She has
made effective use of well chosen sub-headings to focus the reader’s attention and selected vocabulary
which is both succinct and persuasive. Design and layout conventions are appropriately applied and
the purpose of the poster is easily accessible to the reader.
484 | P a g e
Summary
Jodi’s assured management of a single narrative and her clear sense of audience in her poster show
that she is working securely within Level 4.
485 | P a g e
258. High Level 4 - Kay
Story
486 | P a g e
487 | P a g e
488 | P a g e
As Kay continues the story, the reader is immediately engaged as she describes finding a little black
cat a tiny bundle of fur sprawled out with something shiny around its neck. She takes it home secretly
and discovers that it has magical powers. Using a variety of simple and complex sentence structures,
dialogue and description are effectively interwoven to move the story towards a conclusion in which
the cat apparently grants her wish to rule the world. She shows awareness of the reader by the
effective use of well chosen vocabulary and by commenting on her feelings as events unfold. The
story is imaginative, coherent and well paced. Punctuation is accurate in the main. Commas are used
to separate ideas within sentences, speech marks, question marks, exclamation marks, brackets, series
of dots, capitals and full stops have all been used appropriately, and she uses three asterisks to separate
one day from the next. Kay’s spelling is mainly accurate, including words such as believed,
disappeared and reappeared with her only slips being engraving and mightly. Her handwriting is neat,
legible and mainly joined.
489 | P a g e
259. High Level 4 - Kay
Poster
Kay uses a mixture of sentence types and letter styles to maintain the reader’s interest from the initial
title through bullet points, all direct imperatives, to explanation in continuous text. Slogans are
interspersed to reinforce the main points of the poster, although the fund raising collection is not as
precise as it might be. The review of the turtle situation is persuasive and independently derived from
the initial source. She has made use of well chosen vocabulary and her awareness of design and layout
conventions to produce a well planned and effective poster.
490 | P a g e
Summary
Kay’s assured use of conventions, her logical organisation and her appeal to the reader through
dialogue and description show good control of narrative writing. The poster is well presented and
effective and therefore, overall, these two pieces were assessed as showing high attainment within
Level 4.
491 | P a g e
Story
492 | P a g e
493 | P a g e
Christopher takes immediate control, using the ‘wind’ given in the opening lines to continue the story
with a vivid and atmospheric image. He effectively manages the reader’s interest by creating suspense
‘there it was ...’, and describing his feelings ‘I was frozen to the spot...’, ‘a million different visions
went through my head...’. Carefully chosen, although simple, vocabulary is used for effect, and to
maintain control, ‘... all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating’. The narrative is well
structured and Christopher uses both simple and complex sentences to shape and pace his story to its
conclusion. Punctuation is accurate in the main although there are some unmarked sentence breaks.
Capital letters, full stops, speech marks, question marks, commas, apostrophes, series of dots and
hyphens have all been used appropriately and he has made use of paragraphing. Spelling is generally
accurate and his handwriting is joined, fluent and even.
494 | P a g e
Poster
In his poster, Christopher engages the reader’s interest with his opening slogan ‘Slow movers, fast
disappearing’. This is followed by an informative and persuasive review of the turtles’ problems
written in full sentences and a simple but effective illustration of a turtle. The turtle’s thought bubble ‘I
wish I could be safe from tourists’ serves to focus the reader’s attention on the main purpose of the
poster and to appeal for sympathy. The money raising focus is clearly presented and all the relevant
information is included. Christopher uses design and layout conventions appropriately, using a range
of sentence structures and slogans.
495 | P a g e
Summary
Christopher’s writing, over both pieces, shows a clear sense of audience and an ability to write for
different purposes. His story is simple but well structured and imaginative. His poster is both
appealing and informative. Taken together, the level of control and shaping shown in Christopher’s
two pieces of writing give it enough merits to be assessed as just Level 5.
262. Secure Level 5 - Colin

Story
496 | P a g e
497 | P a g e
The opening lines of Colin’s story effectively set the scene and reflect the rest of the tale in that
supernatural events take place in an everyday setting. (What I saw was quite usual - the old lighthouse.
But it was working ... ) Colin establishes a narrator, Alex, who is different from the writer himself. The
reader’s interest is aroused and maintained by the use of well chosen vocabulary to create some
suspense and to give economical but effective descriptions of the scene, the man he met there and of
his feelings. He uses dialogue to move the action forward and to show the development of the
friendship. Interwoven throughout are carefully chosen details which maintain the reader’s curiosity
and suggest moods and feelings – It was back in 18-1930 ... quickly correcting himself. He uses a
combination of simple and complex sentences to shape and pace his writing effectively and to bring
his story to a controlled resolution. The handwriting is fluent, joined and legible and spelling, even of
more complex words, interruption, is accurate. Commas are used to separate phrases within a
sentence; speech marks, series of dots, question marks, exclamation marks, dashes, capital letters and
full stops are all used appropriately and his writing is organised in paragraphs. Colin’s use of well
chosen vocabulary and his combination of description, dialogue and action create a well structured and
interesting story, fluently told.
498 | P a g e
263. Secure Level 5 - Colin
Poster
499 | P a g e
Colin’s poster shows an effective combination of brevity and detail. The main message SAVE
TURTLES is clear. He shows an awareness of the reader by attracting their attention in the first
instance with the slogan Sea Turtles need help. See? Turtles need help. He gives a succinct and
independent review of the turtle situation and introduces a creative use of ‘turtle’ bullet points. The
reader’s attention is then refocused on the fund raising purpose of the poster by the simple but
effective second sub-heading HOW CAN YOU HELP? Colin has selected design and layout
conventions which are simple but effective, he uses a variety of letter types and has chosen to keep
photographs/illustrations to a minimum. He has not made use of emotive language but an understated
element of persuasion is evident. Overall he has achieved impact and clarity combined effectively with
an easily accessible but informative overview of all the relevant information.
Summary
Over both pieces Colin has shown that he can write with precision and control for different purposes
and audiences. His story engages and sustains the reader’s interest, making use of surprise and
suspense; his poster clearly presents a range of information chosen to persuade. Overall, these pieces
were assessed as secure performance within Level 5.
500 | P a g e

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1.

It’s maded out of different materials and they are,

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

simple subjects and

simple joining (A2)

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

When I went bike riding the trainers were comfy and

At school in the sports lesson I thought they were

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

I found that the trainers material was satisfactory and

My personal opinion on the colour choice for the trainer is

It was difficult to remove the smell from the trainers and ,

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

of splashing from other people jumping in the

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

faces. Knocking things over as they went by, they

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

10. A Busy Place

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

everywhere – even the people on stage are

SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PUNCTUATION & TEXT ORGANISATION

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

12. A Busy Place

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

repeated verbs (A2) Pip Davenport stayed carm if he was angry.

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

14. Pip Davenport

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

adverbials (A3) When he was five, he went to a primary school called

SENTENCE STRUCTURE & PUNCTUATION

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

When Pip creeped to the age of 10 years old he was employed, by

My favourite all round subject has to be topic. I learnt

forever. This year, my last at this school has been

This is a leaflet about things that need to change.

Ali stood silently, looking at the door. With a

Ali stood silently, looking at the door. With a

Ali stood silently, looking at the door. With a

Ali stood silently, looking at the door. With a

Ali was beginning to be unsure of this place. She heard a

Ali stood silently, looking at the door. With a

and when I had an ice cream my Brother made me drop

Sara’s Diary organisation of the

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

walk through this huge bird cage with millions of birds in it

good thing was when the trip was over.

COMPOSITION & EFFECT

TEXT STRUCTURE & ORGANISATION

COMPOSITION & EFFECT