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Volume 53 - Issue 6 October 9, 2019 theeyeopener.com @theeyeopener Since 1967

- Issue 6 October 9, 2019 theeyeopener.com @theeyeopener Since 1967 THEDARKESTTIMELINE PHOTO/ILLUSTRAION: PERNIA JAMSHED
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Ryerson to provide free menustral products during exam season

By Reedah Hayder

The Eliminate Period Poverty cam- paign by Ryerson’s Centre for Safer Sex & Sexual Violence Support (CSSSVS) will provide students with free menstrual products during exam season. Last spring, Ryerson’s CSSSVS saved students $4,000 in menstrual products during exam season, ac- cording to Sydney Bothwell, a full- time coordinator for the CSSSVS.

This semester, the centre is working

to double that number. CSSSVS provides easy access to

free menstrual products year-round

in their office at the Student Cam-

pus Centre on the third floor. All Ryerson buildings will be stocked with pads, tampons, liners and personal wipes during the two- week exam period. A kick-off party for the program took place on Oct. 4 and was orga- nized by the CSSSVS in collabora- tion with Toronto Red Dot Project and the Help a Girl Out Charity, a non-profit that provides menstrual products to people in need. This year, members from Help

a Girl Out will be travelling to Jamaica during the winter holi- day season to provide 600 middle

school girls from five schools with menstrual products. Speakers at the event talked about issues around period poverty, such

as a lack of access to menstrual edu-

cation and products and how these organizations are working to tackle these issues. “When I moved to Canada from Jamaica, I thought I had escaped period poverty, but it’s not just a third-world problem,” said Yanique Brandford, founder of non-profit Help a Girl Out. “It’s a hidden issue in the first-world because no one wants to talk about it.”

“There’s a lot of stigma around periods. Even now when I talk to my mom about my charity, it’s a dif- ficult subject,” said Brandford. Maryam Mohamed, a first-year new media student, said while it’s hard to break the stigma around periods, it’s an important topic to talk about. “I think events like [the Eliminate Period Poverty party] help students know that it’s okay to talk about it,” said Mohamed. The Eyeopener visited 102 wash-

rooms in 14 buildings on campus in January. Seventy-one wash- rooms had no dispenser and 31

had an empty dispenser, still ad- vertising prices ranging from 10 cents to a dollar. There were no signs on the machines indicating they were empty, and at the time of reporting, Ryerson had no plans to restock. The CSSSVS will have 40 vol- unteers and five coordinators go- ing around Monday to Friday, restocking menstrual product bas- kets in washrooms. “We are currently talking to other student groups at [the University

of Toronto] and other institutions who are working to eliminate pe- riod poverty among the homeless population,” said Bothwell. At the event, there was also a Make-Your-Own Period “Survival” Kit station that invited students to

fill powder bags with their choice of menstrual products, including tam- pons, personal wipes, period under- wear and mini chocolates. The CSSSVS event also touched on the need for better education around periods in school. Bothwell said the centre is hoping to have more similar events, adding that the Make-Your-Own kit was a huge hit, “so we hope to incorporate that as well.”

Disclaimer: Advertising allows us to remain an independent publication. Ads do not reflect our editorial stance or values, and we do not endorse any organization unless stated otherwise.

we do not endorse any organization unless stated otherwise. Editor-in-Chief Sarah “Dean Craig Pelton” Krichel News

Editor-in-Chief Sarah “Dean Craig Pelton” Krichel

News Emma “Britta Perry” Sandri Madi “Annie Edison” Wong Valerie “Shirley Bennett” Dittrich

Photo Elana “Prof. June Bauer” Emer Khaled “Prof. Sean Garrity” Badawi Pernia “Prof. Ian Duncan” Jam- shed

Online Funké “Abed Nadir” Joseph Kosalan “Troy Barnes” Kathira- malanathan

Features Sherina “Alex ‘Star-Burns’ Os- bourne” Harris

Arts & Culture Tyler “Prof. Eustice Whitman” Griffin

Sports

Libaan “Señor Ben Chang” Os- man

Biz & Tech Nathaniel “Jeff Winger” Crouch

Communities Kieona “Garrett Lambert” George

Fun & Satire Andrea “Magnitude” Josic

Media Raneem “Leonard Rodriguez” Alozzi Parnika “Vaughn Miller” Raj

General Manager Liane “Todd Jacobson” McLarty

Advertising Manager Chris “Rich Stephenson” Roberts

Design Director J.D. “Harry Jefferson” Mowat

Interns Kaizer “Sgt. Nuñez” Tolentino Leul “Crazy Schmidt” Mengestu Kaye “Mark Millot” Joy Reyes

Rahma “Vicki Jenkins” Borges Jaedyn “Annie Kim” Muir Caleb “ The Greendale Human Be- ing” Rogers

Contributors Kiernan “Whole Lotta Energy” Green Jonathan “Words On The Street” Bradley Jessica “Democracy Darling” Mazze Reedah “Periodt.” Haydar Mariam “Eager Beaver” Nouser Denise “Jagmeet Singh In It For You” Paglinawan Heidi “The More They Will See” Lee Ash’er “He’s From NY” X Curtis “The Photo Man” Martin Joseph “World” Shenouda Gavin “Lowry Got An Extension” Axelrod Troy “Hockey Guy” Langstaff Justin “Buddy” Walters Megan “Harry Styles Is Coming” Mullen Hayden “PSL” Godfrey Jimmy “Jim Jam” Kwan Jaime Lynn “Too Good For Us” Maria Strand

ILLUSTRATION: KHALED BADAWI
ILLUSTRATION: KHALED BADAWI

Or don’t. Happy Sleeping Week, folks

Kwan Jaime Lynn “Too Good For Us” Maria Strand ILLUSTRATION: KHALED BADAWI Or don’t. Happy Sleeping

I can’t believe it’s not better

BY ANDREA JOSIC

PHOTO: ELANA EMER
PHOTO: ELANA EMER

I’ve always been big on conspiracy theories. The alleged death of early 2000s punk queen Avril Lavigne was the first conspiracy theory that pulled me into the cobwebs of deep Internet research. I came across a detailed Tumblr post about Lavigne’s alleged death, for still undiscovered reasons, when I was an angsty 15-year-old in 2013. Apparently, Lavigne’s doppelganger named Melissa was hired so that the record company could continue capitalizing on the fame that came with Lavigne’s debut album “Let Go.” Evidence to support the theory included picture comparisons of birthmarks and facial features, lyrics from later released songs that supposedly allude to her death and even a paparazzi shot of Lavigne with the name “Melissa” written on her hand. Buying into the theory was a big decision for me. If I believed that Lavigne was Melissa, that would mean that I would never see Lavigne sing “Sk8er Boi”—it would be Melissa instead. Such is the price for truth. At 15, the stakes were high. But more recently, I focus on and hold dear to my heart one particular high-stake conspir- acy: the multiverse theory. This theory says there are infinite parallel universes, where different versions of our current re-

ality exist. It is equal parts interesting and depressing. It would mean that that no matter how shitty your life is, there’s a universe out there where you’re better off. But it also means there’s a reality where things are much, much worse. According to variations of the multiverse theory, some- times there are glitches where universes interchange, and our universe becomes the worst for a brief period of time. This brings us to the The Darkest Timeline. We don’t call it The Darkest Timeline because things are fucked in a “this is it and we’re all going to die” kind of way, but more so in a “this is a massive clusterfuck and it’s time to do something about it” way. What I’m holding onto, and what you should be holding onto as well, is the fact that every clus- ter can be unclustered. As the Fun & Satire editor, it’s basically in my job descrip- tion to make fun of such clusters. That’s why I combined satire and reported stories in order to prove to you that we truly are in The Darkest Timeline glitch. After reading this issue, you’ll be able to laugh about the scary things, then we’ll deal with them together. I can’t believe it’s not better. But I believe we’ll get there.

believe it’s not better. But I believe we’ll get there. Newspaper has two editors SATIRE BY

Newspaper has two editors two editors

SATIRE BY KOSALAN KATHIRAMALANATHAN

Dimension Travellers

MANAGING

EDITOR

Andrea Josic

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Sarah Krichel

VISUALS

Khaled Badawi

Elana Emer

Pernia Jamshed

Jimmy Kwan

Jaime Lynn Maria Strand

WRITERS

Catherine Abes

Emma Buchanan

Neha Chollangi

Nathaniel Crouch

Akanksha Dhingra

Tyler Griffin

Sophia de Guzman

Raizel Harjosubroto

Alexandra Holyk

Abbey Kelly

Kosalan Kathiramalanathan

Lyba Mansoor

Julia Mastroianni

Zachary Roman

Rhea Singh

Lyba Mansoor Julia Mastroianni Zachary Roman Rhea Singh PHOTO: FUNKÉ JOSEPH After losing nearly all of
Lyba Mansoor Julia Mastroianni Zachary Roman Rhea Singh PHOTO: FUNKÉ JOSEPH After losing nearly all of
PHOTO: FUNKÉ JOSEPH
PHOTO: FUNKÉ JOSEPH

After losing nearly all of its funding due to the Student Choice Initiative, the critically-acclaimed student newspaper The Ryeopener has had a dramatic restructuring after firing all its full-time staff, except for two editors. “Honestly I’m not surprised it’s come to this,” said current Editor-in-Chief, Arts and Culture, Sports, Community, Fea- tures, Media and Photo Editor, Haras Lehcirk. The decision to cut staff came after heavy deliberation on the alternative solution suggested by former Editor Sokalan Catir that instead of firing half of the masthead, that they just all work half as hard. He was the first to go. Despite the struggles, Whyler Stiffen, the current News Editor, is optimistic that this is the chance to break the mold other publications have been adopting and “grow into a tru- ly modern paper.” “We were at first considering only publishing three times a semester but said ‘fuck that.’” He went on to explain that they needed to preserve the culture of the paper and decided to in- vest into their paper copies at the expense of losing their web- site and social media platforms. “We’re moving the way the industry is. Budget cuts to jour- nalism is like skater boys to Lake Devo—they’re inseparable,” said Lehcirk. “But we see this as the start of a new chapter in the long history, and future of The Ryeopener print edition only.(UPDATE: The Ryeopener had to shut down after publishing one issue and the Masthead blew the rest of their funding on Billys at the Ram in the Rye. They will be missed.)

The Darkest Timeline

4

The previous tenants’ garbage greeted Jay Dittburner from the lawn as they walked up to

The previous tenants’ garbage greeted Jay Dittburner from the lawn as they walked up to their new place. Their bedroom is an ex- tended closet with a barred-window view to the outdoor laundry suite. The landlord left the washer and dryer sitting outside the apart- ment. The ceiling of their bedroom is slanted. Dittburner, now a second-year masters of philosophy student, has a list of different nightmarish places they have lived in—and the list is long. “I’ve stayed in some places that

True confessions from

housing hell

GAME BY ABBEY KELLY

were just filthy, completely illegal, massive fire hazards.” Toronto’s population is the second fastest growing metropolitan area in Canada, ac- cording to a 2018 U.S. census. But due to the housing crisis, this presents major issues for finding affordable and good quality housing in the city—particularly for students. Because of high demand, even the lowest quality of places are overvalued. “More and more people are going to be pay-

ing higher rent for whatever accommodation they can afford,” said Frank Clayton, senior researcher at the Centre for Urban Research and Land Development, who studied the cen- sus. “Something has to give. You only have so much money to spend.” To alleviate some of these issues, some individuals rent out rooms or areas of their house to students so they can produce more of an income, Clayton said. This is similar to a place Dittburner stayed

Clayton said. This is similar to a place Dittburner stayed for a year. He lived with

for a year. He lived with two others on the main floor while the owners lived upstairs. The family had rules—they didn’t want any- one to come home after 10 p.m., no guests and no candles. There were also ‘severe limits’ on the type of food they would let their tenants cook because they allegedly didn’t want any- thing to “smell up their house.” Dittburner isn’t the only student with bad living experiences. Check out the horror sto- ries below for more housing hell.

Of the eight wild housing stories below, only four are real, but all of them are fucking nightmares. Can you guess the truths from the lies?

Answer key below

1 Pull out couch with bookcase available as clothing storage. No door or divider to close off the area. Four roommates. $800/month, Baldwin Village.

2 Attic in townhouse. Probably haunted. Bathroom shared with five other people. Fresh mouse droppings appear regularly. Use three different keys to enter the room. $900/month, The Village.

different keys to enter the room. $900/month, The Village. Literally, a tent in a living room.

Literally, a tent in a living room. Mattress capacity: one. Store other belongings just outside the tent. $800/month, Bay and Gerrard streets.

4 On paper, this place seems like a dream. Spacious, furnished rooms. Bed- room cleaned three times a week. Laundry and all meals included. Here’s the catch: no food available outside meal hours, no lock on the door to the rooms and tenants must work three hours at the front desk per week. The building is locked from 11 p.m. to 6:45 a.m. on weekdays and 1 a.m. to 7 a.m. on weekends. $1,650-1,750/month, near University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

5 This open loft with exposed brick is every Instagram influencer’s dream. Industrial accents with refurbished wood. There are no walls except for a single enclosed bathroom with no door. Share this space with one roommate. Dividers are suf- ficient, but the sound carries. $1,300/month, Church and Dundas streets.

the sound carries. $1,300/month, Church and Dundas streets. 6 VERY low price. Ensuite bathroom. Two bunk

6 VERY low price. Ensuite bathroom. Two bunk beds in one room, BUT you get top bunk! Three roommates. Roommate on bunk below you kicks you out often to fuck every four days. $450/month, Bay and College streets.

7 Make friends fast by living with 10 other people in one townhouse! Two bathrooms, one kitchen, three fridges and no dishwasher. This place comes with the opportunity to argue with your 10 other roommates on who’s going to clean the bathrooms this week. $600-700/month, near University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

8 Living room in a two-bedroom den. The house comes with friends: mice. They rattle in the oven when you try to cook and sometimes say hi by poking their heads out of the burners. Free rat poison sprinkled throughout the house. $950-1,050/month, Cabbagetown.

throughout the house. $950-1,050/month, Cabbagetown. Creative freelancer runs out of personal narratives to

Creative freelancer runs out of personal narratives to profit off of

Alice Moon says she hasn’t been able to write any poetry since releasing her zine back in July, “Read 3:26 a.m.” The collection of poems un- packs a string of Bumble dates gone wrong due to “incapacitating, maternal-induced trust is- sues” and a “deflated sense of self-worth.” The third-year creative industries student first started writing about her past trauma on the recommendation of her therapist, who suggested it could help her heal. In first year, she accidentally sent a pub- lisher an excerpt from her diary instead of the first draft of her poem. Before she even caught the mistake, the piece had been posted online, he’d sent her a contract for a full book based on her life and Disney had bought the movie rights.

SATIRE BY CATHERINE ABES

Since then, Moon has banked on her trau- matic experiences to pay her bills. But she’s run into a new problem: she has no more emotional trauma to exploit in her work. Often, creative industries ask people to “dig deep” and rehash their own stories of suffer- ing, such as family turmoil, identity and being ugly until the age of 17. River Edwards, a former Ryerson dance major, knew he was out of experiences to in- corporate for his work when his last solo, “Getting Ignored by Yorkdale Customers at My Minimum Wage Retail Job” was met with boos. Critics said his movement, while techni- cally clean, had “no feeling.” Unable to produce heartwrenching choreography, he dropped out of school and now lives in a bachelor apart-

ment with eight other retired creatives. While the situation isn’t ideal, he’s grateful that he won’t have to relive any more signifi- cantly damaging experiences. “Now I can work towards healing—includ- ing the trauma of being retraumatized.” Cashma Nee, Edwards’ former agent, says it’s worth it for creatives to go through emotion- ally damaging experiences if it means they can produce authentic, touching, totally unique, completely never done before, work. “I suppose it could be distressing for cre- atives to gut their previous traumas and lay it all out,” she says. “But art is about suffer- ing. All of the great artists had to suffer. I’m even suffering here—I have to give all my clients a 30 per cent cut of everything I make

off their work.” Nee said the suffering will do creatives well—the money they make now can help them afford actual therapy later. Moon picked up a second job at the Metro on Gould Street to help support herself and her succulents named after poets. She witnesses pain every day—from students living off of po- tato wedges to the look of defeat when custom- ers learn they can’t use their 10 per cent student discount on a six-pack of PBR. Moon says that if something fucked up doesn’t happen to her soon, she’ll go into debt. “This stress of waiting to be traumatized is almost traumatic enough to write about,” she says. “My agent said it’s too niche for the in- dustry to profit of off, though.”

TRUTH8.TRUTH7.LIE6.LIE5.TRUTH4.TRUTH3.LIE2.LIE1.KEY:ANSWER

illustrations by: elana emer

The Darkest Timeline

5

You’re not alone in your eco-anxiety FEATURE BY JULIA MASTROIANNI G eorgia Koumantaros was at

You’re not alone in your eco-anxiety

You’re not alone in your eco-anxiety FEATURE BY JULIA MASTROIANNI G eorgia Koumantaros was at a

FEATURE BY JULIA MASTROIANNI

G eorgia Koumantaros was at a party playing a twisted ver- sion of “Truth or Dare.” Amongst the participants were

friends, acquaintances and none other than Conservative Par- ty Leader Andrew Scheer. “Okay guys,” said the second-year University of Toronto environmental studies student to the crowd. “Do you actually care, in your embodied being, about climate change, about the environment, about what’s happening?” Sitting in a haphazard circle in the living room, Koumanta- ros challenged Scheer, wanting him to admit how he really feels about the environment. That was when she came to a realiza- tion: as some weird defence mechanism, Koumantaros herself stopped caring about the urgent climate crisis a long time ago. “I was trying to relate to everyone else, I was trying to say, ‘Listen, I don’t care either, I checked out for a long time,’” Kou- mantaros says. “But in retrospect, looking back on it, it was me confessing this shame to Andrew Scheer that I had checked out, even though I shouldn’t have, for so long.” Or at least, that’s the way Koumantaros interpreted it af- ter waking up from her dream—shaken and frustrated by this latest addition to a recent slew of climate crisis-related

nightmares. She says in her conscious life, she’s been able to keep from panicking about the crisis. “But in my dreams, it all comes apart,” she says. Koumantaros’ dreams are an example of so-called “eco- anxiety.” The condition is affecting youth in particular as the reality of the environmental crisis starts to set in. Described as a chronic concern or even psychological disorder plaguing individuals who worry about climate change, eco-anxiety re- flects just how complex the effects of the crisis are. According to a 2019 research paper for the Climate Institute, individu-

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als are suffering from psychological effects never linked to the environment before. Panic attacks, daily episodes of despair or grief and increased levels of mental illness have been reported. If it wasn’t enough that humanity is teetering on the edge of irreversible levels of warming, the knowledge of that warm- ing and its impending effects like food and water shortages, dangerous amounts of air pollution, coastal flooding and other extreme weather conditions is also taking a psychological toll. Eco-anxiety is particularly hard to cope with since there isn’t a lot of evidence to prove to someone experiencing it that things are getting better.

to someone experiencing it that things are getting better. M aya Shlayen has tried to be

M aya Shlayen has tried to be aware of what’s going on with the environment since she was a teenager. But the

recent Ryerson journalism graduate says that a couple of years ago during the summer, she started to become severely emo- tional about what she was learning about the climate crisis— animals going extinct in particular. “This is going to sound

melodramatic, but it felt like death. It felt like a loss, like a visceral loss that you could feel.”

A 2018 study in the Global Environmental Change journal

found that there are three types of environmental concerns. Ego- istic concern is worry about how environmental change impacts the individual, altruistic concern is about humanity in general and the future and biospheric concern is about plants, animals and na- ture. Researchers found that people with high levels of biospheric concern also had the highest levels of stress related to global cli- mate change, as well as the highest reported signs of depression. One of the researchers on the study, University of Arizona science professor Sabrina Helm, suspects this has to do with

how much the climate crisis has already affected nature and wildlife on a bigger picture scale. This ultimately means the danger of the crisis appears more pressing to those with bio- spheric concern. “So they have the most pronounced worry, because they already see it everywhere. We already talk about the extinction of species and know it’s happening,” Helm told UANews, news outlet for University of Arizona.

At the time of Shlayen’s extreme distress over the environ-

ment, she says she was also dealing with some personal issues.

“Our planet is headed for a mass destruction of the environment”

With the two occuring at the same time, she says her mental health suffered. “It affected my academic performance, and while I can’t say it was the environmental thing alone that did that, it was kind of a snowball effect.” Susan Clayton is a psychology professor at Wooster University in Ohio who has been reviewing literature re- lated to the mental health impacts of the climate crisis and natural disasters on individuals. She says that while the re- search out there currently focuses on the mental health of survivors of natural disasters, she’s starting to see a pattern among others. “For some people, this level of worry might

among others. “For some people, this level of worry might The Darkest Timeline 6 be rising
among others. “For some people, this level of worry might The Darkest Timeline 6 be rising

The Darkest Timeline

6

be rising to the level of a threat to mental health, and that it’s interfering with their ability to function, to be happy [and] to be stable,” she says. Clayton believes the uncertainty around what is going to happen to the earth and to humans could be a major source of this stress. “There’s a sense that something big is happen- ing. It has the potential to fundamentally change something that I take for granted, which is the stability of the global ecosystem. But I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen. I don’t know exactly when it’s going to happen. And I don’t know exactly who is going to be affected or where we’re go- ing to see the changes.”

be affected or where we’re go- ing to see the changes.” F or Stephanie McNeil, a

F or Stephanie McNeil, a third-year environment and sus- tainability student at Ryerson, the looming threat of what

those changes might be is something that follows her everyday at school. “Just hearing it every single day, every time I go to class, that our planet is headed for mass destruction for the environment, is such a burden on me mentally.” McNeil says that she’s always thinking about the environ- mental effects of everything she does. “Like when I order cof- fee, it’s just there reminding me of the implications of how this coffee was made and shipped. And I can use a reusable cup, but even then I’m thinking about it, like, how was that reusable cup made?” she says. But she knows, while it’s great for her to make all these individual changes, there needs to be action from those with more power to make a difference. “It gets to a point where you feel like you can’t do anything because there’s too much to do.” Janet Swim, a psychology professor at Penn State Universi- ty, co-authored a 2011 American Psychologist study on coping with eco-anxiety. In a 2019 interview with CNN, Swim said this response of anxiety is normal when people are dealing with an “anti-goal,” or a negative result, like the destruction of the planet. She said avoiding or disengaging from the problem is a common reaction for those with anxiety. Koumantaros knows how overwhelming it can be if she thinks too much about what could happen in the future, and understands the impulse to freeze up or give up on doing anything. Koumantaros has combatted this feeling of futil- ity by getting as involved as she can in groups petitioning for change and staging protests to get the attention of govern- ments. “There’s not really a case for not doing anything, right? There’s a reason why you have this sense of shame or anxiety, and the facts are the facts and they’re only going to get scarier,” she says. “So you kind of just have to do something.” Koumantaros has been sending petitions and emails to the politicians in her riding and has also become involved in Extinction Rebellion, an international organization with the goal of encouraging governments to put forward environ- ment-centred policies. So far, Koumantaros says active involvement in the move- ment has worked to keep her from panicking too much about the crisis. “I’m also not trying to think too far ahead, because why go there if I don’t need to? I can try to just focus on the now, and what I can do now.”

Alternate universe without climate crisis discovered

Alternate universe without climate crisis discovered SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI A team of researchers at Ryerson
Alternate universe without climate crisis discovered SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI A team of researchers at Ryerson
Alternate universe without climate crisis discovered SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI A team of researchers at Ryerson
Alternate universe without climate crisis discovered SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI A team of researchers at Ryerson
SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI
SATIRE BY NEHA CHOLLANGI

A team of researchers at Ryerson have recently found an alternate reality in which the Earth is not burning and the climate crisis simply does not

O n their brief helicopter ride over the Arctic, team member Linus Vasel said he passed out when he actually saw glaciers for the first time in his life, as well as arctic animals

exist in their vocabulary. The search for a new home has been ongoing but accelerated

like polar bears and seals. “They were living their best lives,” said Vasel, which is unlike how he last saw them sitting on an iceberg the size of a donut on his cruise to Alaska. In fact, many ecosystems were actually completely undamaged and thriving to the point where the planet was slowly expanding with an abundance of land and natural resources. The team reported an overwhelming prosperity of species in both the Amazon rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef. But, while Universe 95 has a handful of positives, the team felt homesick for Earth’s grimey and edgy vibes. “It obviously doesn’t have the same charm without sparkling plastic deco- rating the oceans, mountains of food waste and the beaming light of forest fires,” said Vasel, who was nostalgic for Earth’s homely landscapes during his expedition. “I have to admit that there is a kind of exciting thrill to being on the brink of a mass extinction.” Nevertheless, the inevitable question has been raised on whether it’s possible to relocate our people to Universe 95. However, it seems to be very unlikely. Alternate reality experts say it is practically impossible to even attempt to transfer over our population. “We would probably burn that world too,” said Denny Turner, a random student who

ever since climate scientists started screaming about rising sea levels and the rapid demise of our planet.

A

few of the researchers travelled through a por-

tal created inside the men’s washroom in their lab building to observe the alternate reality. After nine full days of chanting spells, the portal blossomed open and immediately sucked in the group of five researchers. “We didn’t expect the portal to open so quickly at all,” said Julio Henderson, captain of the research expedition team. “In fact, we were actually prepared to keep chanting for another three weeks until we even got the smallest results but I reckon there is a power- ful source on the other side that really wanted us to see this alternate reality.” The team has dedicated their lives to running away from their real life problems. They found their calling in exploring the magical worlds hidden from our sight. Their past discoveries include Universe 27 where dinosaurs are alive and thriving, and Universe 56 where plants can talk. As for their lat- est exploration, Universe 95 gives us a peek into a world where the climate crisis isn’t threatening the Earth’s very existence. “We wanted to see what our world would look like if we didn’t screw up everything so badly,” said Henderson. One of the first things the team noticed was that the people of this world were significantly happier and didn’t have the deep look of despair lingering in their eyes. Instead, they were skipping around the streets, holding hands and

whistling songs. “I do admit that it is a privilege to have luxuries like clean water, fresh air and robust landscapes for all of our people to enjoy,” said local resident Gladys Fin, before she rode her bike into the sunset.

tagged along on the expedition. “The most we can do for now is to live vicari- ously through the alternate world and admire their sustainable lifestyles. But, we truly hope that, perhaps through prolonged exposure, our population can adapt the same habits and see this reality as something Earth can become, ” said Turner. The team also had a short meeting with the monar- chy of Universe 95 and met the Queen to question her about how they achieved the impossible task of keep- ing their world in a livable condition. However, the Queen being quite cryptic in nature, told them that we are “absolute morons” who need to do more than avoid plastic straws and turn off lights for an hour once a year. She also firmly said “There is no way in goddamn hell that you lot are bringing your destruc- tive people onto my land.” The team installed close to 30,000 cameras in Uni- verse 95. They plan to use the footage to document the eco-conscious world and make a movie once we save Earth, entitled: “We’re Going To Reverse The Crisis If It’s The Last Thing We Fucking Do.”

The Crisis If It’s The Last Thing We Fucking Do.” “It was really alarming at first,”

“It

was really alarming at first,” said Henderson, who experienced serious culture shock. “I’m

so used to seeing everyone looking drained of all hope. I honestly couldn’t believe they weren’t all on ecstasy. It was just a sober joy for life.” Despite the initial confusion from the unfamiliar culture, the team spent a total of five days in Uni-

verse 95 to make crucial observations on what our world has yet to achieve.

crucial observations on what our world has yet to achieve. Good vibes despite planetary existential crisis

Good vibes despite planetary existential crisis

SATIRE BY ALEXANDRA HOLYK

With the negative effects of the climate crisis finally being talked about now more than ever, it’s important that Ryerson students stay optimistic before the end of the Earth. We’ve comprised a list of totally valid and 100 per cent ef- fective ways to turn that anxiety-induced resting bitch-frown upside down. 1. Walk or bike to school, regardless of where you live Last year, Mariah Skinney, a second-year environmental and urban sustainability student, took the GO Train from Oakville to get to Ryerson everyday. This year, she stopped using public transit altogether and walks to school. Skinney said she feels “#blessed” waking up at 12 a.m. to get to her 8 a.m. lecture on time. Everyday can be leg day for Ry- erson commuters, and students will have super jacked calves to show off. 2. Go buy a fancy and expensive planner made from re- cycled paper to organize your day Even if you don’t have any upcoming plans, buy a planner. It’ll make you feel like you have your shit together when really, you’re just faking it till you make it. Use different co-

loured gel pens made from leftover vegetable oil from Salad King to organize your 30-minute study breaks for every 15 minutes of studying you do. Don’t forget to include the plans with friends that you’ll just end up cancelling anyway. 3. Take a nap to avoid all responsibilities Catch some zzz’s before, after, in between or even in your classes. Napping costs the planet zero energy and just so hap- pens to be the easiest way to save our planet (while sleeping, you’re not polluting!). Those 8 a.m. movie theatre lectures are meant to be slept through, so feel inclined to recline in those chairs-turned-beds while your algebra professor goes on a literal tangent. 4. Go vegan Practically every restaurant has plant-based options, and they aren’t as bad as you think. Being vegan will also give you the chance to brag about your amazing life choices to your friends about the positive impact you have on the environ- ment while making them feel bad for still eating meat. Don’t think of veganism as giving up the things you love, though. Vodka and tequila are vegan-friendly!

The Darkest Timeline

7

5. Get yourself a nice plant friend, or two—or seven Plants are not only good for the environment and provide oxygen—they are also super aesthetic in any dorm room, espe- cially in Pitman Hall. It’s recommended by experts that stu- dents invest in some greenery in their rooms because partying won’t save their livers, but plants will save their lungs. 6. Pet local dogs Wherever you are on campus, it’s guaranteed that you will see one RyEng sticker, one Juul-er and one dog. The latter is the highlight of student life at Ryerson and should not be taken for granted. Your local floofy monster or chonky boy is eagerly taking their walk as you’re reading this and they’re almost always up for cuddles, pets and kisses. 7. “You should smile more!’’ The easiest way to become a little more positive is by crack- ing a smile and exercising the muscles that make up the resting bitch face expression you have when trying to avoid people talking to you on your way to class. And don’t smile because the catcallers ask you to—smile because the end of the world means the end of the catcallers, and the end of class.

Illust

ratio

n

by

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hal

ed

B

a

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i

Child care in Ontario worse than ever

REPORTING BY RAIZEL HARJOSUBROTO

T he class lecture had just started when Jael Joseph got a call from the daycare. “Your son has a fever. You have to come

pick him up,” the daycare worker said. As a second-year jour- nalism student at Ryerson completing a regular commute from downtown Toronto to Scarborough, her trip was now aggra- vated by a snowstorm and heavy traffic. The daycare has a rule that a child needs to be picked up within two hours after notice. Joseph took nearly three hours to get there. Had this been any other daycare, who knows how understanding they could have been? In addition to raising two children and studying for an un- dergraduate degree, Joseph and other parents across the prov- ince are now faced with the government’s recent cancellation of a $50 million fund to help child care centres in Ontario. Funding has to come from somewhere in order for these cen- tres to run, so child care fees must increase, directly impacting the parents who have to pay for those services. The child care system was already faulty before the gov- ernment’s cuts. Ryerson early childhood studies professor Rachel Langford says that child care works within a “mar- ket system.” In the same way a parent would purchase baby

formula or diapers, “they purchase a spot in a child care set- ting.” The parent fees are already high, and according to the long-time early child educator, parents can pay up to $2,000

a month for childcare. The funding is also meant to pay the wages of daycare staff— already working for a low wage—and

support parents who cannot fully afford daycare. Langford, who advocates for

a publicly-funded system, says that the

Conservatives are against “government interference” and is instead “motivated by the belief that young children should be at home with their mothers.”

A nnalise Zala, a second-year psychology student at Ryer-

son, has been looking for a daycare to take care of her

one-year-old ever since he was born. Because of this, Zala misses out on many opportunities, such as daytime courses, volunteer research positions she’s interested in and extra- curricular activities. “If you don’t have someone to take care of your kids, it’s like you’re choosing between going to class

or you’re trying to fit courses into what works for your family.” Ryerson has an early learning and child care cen- tre known as the Early Learning Centre (ELC) that provides full-day

child care, but the wait list for appli- cants is long. According to their website, families may wait for more than one year to enter the program after they fill out a “Waiting

List Application” form. They then encourage par- ents to check the status of their application every six months. At Ryerson, groups and resources for mature stu- dents are available, including post-secondary tran- sitional programs like Spanning the Gaps, but the programs are not tailored for students who are also parents. Joseph believes it’s unfair for students to be under the same waitlist bracket as everyone else. “Why wouldn’t you consider a person going back to school ur- gent?” she says. On top of the waiting game and unaffordable resourc-

es off campus, parents like Zala and Joseph must also deal with geographical barriers to getting the resources they need, since parents can only apply to daycares and subsidy programs that fall in their neighbour-

hoods or zones. It’s clear that the demand for child care is high. When St. Stephen’s Com- munity House recently opened their new childcare site in one of Toron- to’s neighbourhoods, Canoe Landing, launched online at 6 a.m. By 6:03 a.m.,

r e g i s t r a t i o n

over 200 spots were already taken. Associate executive di- rector Lidia Monaco says that investment from the govern- ment is needed if there is such a high demand for more spaces and subsidies. “[Childcare and public education] are all very important things in order to get young, little people off on the right road. If we want to invest in the future, that’s what we’ve got to do to help people.”

“You’re choosing

between going to

class or

what

works

for your family

between going to class or what works for your family ” A survey done by Statistics
between going to class or what works for your family ” A survey done by Statistics

A survey done by Statistics Canada in April 2019 shows that 60 per cent of Canadian children—nearly 1.4 million—re-

ceive some form of child care, whether that be through day- cares or from family members. But while most political parties have made promises regarding child care, it isn’t typically a top priority.

In 2015, the Liberal government promised to pro-

vide affordable and high-quality child care to folks who need it. They committed to $7.5 billion over 11 years to child care in the 2017 federal bud-

get but since the framework was broad,

there were no parameters on how the money could be used. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said

earlier

that

this

month

provin-

cial governments are able to make their own decisions, even if they decide to “not invest in vulnerable people.” Monaco says it’s partially a women’s issue, too. “It’s really im-

portant for women to be able to have that choice, whether I want to stay at home with my child, or I want to go to school, or I want to have a career…for some people, there is no choice.” If it were men that had to stay home or be the ones to have kids, we would be having a different conversation, Monaco says. Because it’s turned into a women’s issue, it’s not a priority. “We have the power. The power’s in the vote,” Monaco says. “If we want them to take this issue seriously, we have to vote [this federal election].”

Need counselling? You’ll have to get in line

REPORTING BY RHEA SINGH

T hings looked promising when fourth-year social work stu- dent Chris Merhar first tried accessing Ryerson’s counsel-

ling service. He had four sessions in the span of three months. Until, that is, a waitlist put him on a three-month wait period. Merhar was then told he’d benefit from more sessions, but wound up waiting another seven months to get regular sessions going. Whether it’s admission to a school or getting into

a

waiting game. When it comes to mental health services, however, the consequences of the waiting game can be even more severe. Ryerson’s Centre for Student Development and Counselling (CSDC) offers services to both full- time and part-time undergraduate and graduate students. These include one-on-one counselling, group counselling, same-day crisis appointments, online modules for preemptive and post-counsel- ling care as well as referral services. There are also extensions such as ThriveRU, therapy dogs and the Office of Sexual Vio- lence Support and Education. According to the CSDC, in the 2018-19 academic year, the centre supported 2,253 students with on-site mental health counselling services. Students typically encounter wait times af- ter their initial counselling session, according to Maura O’Keefe,

clinical coordinator at the CSDC. Merhar called the CSDC four to five months after he had last visited the centre, but was told he was removed from the waitlist for reasons not clarified. “They didn’t communicate this with me at all, so I couldn’t even go seek a counsellor outside of Ryerson.” After the mixup, Merhar had to wait twice as long to access counselling services. While Merhar had a good support system, other students who don’t could struggle more with Ryerson’s extensive wait times. O’Keefe said Ryerson’s system for first-time ap- pointments has improved over the last two years, with a 63 per cent reduction in wait times. The waitlist, according to O’Keefe, is managed in many ways, depending on factors such as time of year and a student’s individual needs. Stress- ors such as financial pressure, living situation changes and career anxieties make up some of the factors. The need for awareness of mental health has been empha- sized in the wake of multiple recent suicides at the University of Toronto (UofT) at the St. George campus. In response to the lack of mental health services on campus, 24 students formed UofThrive. Second-year student Ashwini Selvakumaran spoke to the CBC about wait times being an issue at UofT Health and

The Darkest Timeline

8

being an issue at UofT Health and The Darkest Timeline 8 Illustration: Elana Emer class, being

Illustration: Elana Emer

class, being waitlisted is known for being a stressful

Wellness Centre as well. When third-year Ryerson new media student Natalie Korac finally got the courage to reach out for mental health support, she felt discouraged by the support she received from the school. Korac was told she’d have to wait three months to access long- term counselling, which would bleed into the summer. But Korac wouldn’t be in the city for that long. A major part in what students need counselling for, she says, is school-related issues—rendering summer counselling useless. Both Korac and Merhar believe hiring more counsellors, ex- panding the service with community organizations and student advocacy are effective ways of improving Ryerson’s system. “Ryerson positions themselves as this progressive school that welcomes you and wants you to succeed, then you get waitlisted for six months,” Merhar said. “There is no other option if you can’t afford therapy outside [of school].” On top of that, counsel- ling isn’t something people prioritize when they have to afford rent, tuition fees, among other bills, said Korac. Merhar says the worst part about these situations is that there has to be some sort of wake-up call; nobody reacts until some- thing terrible happens. “I feel the main thing current students can do if we want to ensure that the future generation of Ryer- son students have better access to these services [is] advocate for them,” he said. “They’re not going to do anything if we aren’t talking about it.”

Doug Ford used Student Choice Initiative to ‘cancel culture’ the RSU, sources say

SATIRE BY NATHANIEL CROUCH

T he Ryerson Students’ Union (RSU) is a collective that represents the best in-

terests of the larger student body at Ryer- son. They hold events free of charge, have

a thorough understanding of how a union

should operate and always acts with digni- ty when aiding student-run groups whose work directly benefits the mental and phys- ical health of students.

The Premier originally wanted to call the SCI “Fuck Them Kids”

ing student lives all around worse. Ford found the perfect marketing scheme for his Student Choice Initiative (SCI): a policy he announced prior to the scandal which would allow students to opt out of certain ancillary fees. Those crucial fees would threaten student groups like campus media, arts and culture groups and, of course, the student union. Anonymous sources also tell us that the Premier originally wanted to call the SCI “Fuck Them Kids,” but realized he had to be more deceptive and give the choice to the stu- dents to take initiative on what they would support or cancel. He came up with a social media plan of one single tweet: linking an Eyeopener story about the credit card scandal, using it as evidence in favour of the policy. Ford’s adversaries, how- ever, were quick to remind him Edmund Sofo, vice-president of student life and events, was at his iconic, yearly, annual Etobicoke barbecue of that summer. They took a photo together which was widespread on social media in response to its irony. Ford’s plan was perfect; or so he thought. As the year came to a close and the executive

members of the RSU began looking more like Iron Man at the end of Avengers: Endgame, punishment was rolled out. For a few executives, they received an embarrassing amount of memes and a lifetime of fear that someone would recognize them on Yonge Street and yell “Get ‘em!” One just fell off the face of the planet and hasn’t been heard from in a while (Mr. Ganesh, if you are reading this, give us a call—we miss you, boo.) The new executives in charge of the RSU had to start brainstorming ideas to face the coming changes. Those who followed student politics were hit with extreme déjà vu, as the new execs fired the person in charge of man- aging their finances which is exactly what the team that got impeached did last year.

When RAMSS gave students the option as of early August to opt out, the cancelling commenced. In September, student groups ran to secure funds in the few weeks they had before students could no longer opt in. The SCI had pissed off a bunch of groups. While the RSU has a love/spend relation- ship with money, the unions savings ensured they’ll at least hang on for a few years. Ford failed as our champion, and went back to his usual position; looking like someone aged that kid from Home Alone 30 years and left him in the sun for too long.

Kidding! Maybe on Earth-616, where Alan Rickman is collecting his sixth Oscar and hu- manity
Kidding! Maybe on Earth-616, where Alan
Rickman is collecting his sixth Oscar and hu-
manity as a whole figured out racism is bad,
we get a student union that works to benefit
students. Here in The Darkest Timeline, we
have a bunch of slap sticks with a weird at-
tachment to Scaddabush and the LCBO.
When the scandal broke that a quarter of
a million dollars in student funds were alleg-
dly used by the RSU’s 2018-19 executive team
for personal effects, such as Uber and the Rec
Room in Cineplex, student outrage was quick
and loud. From the memes to hearings to stu-
dents demanding impeachment, the scandal
had lit a fire under students’ asses and forced
them to reevaluate how much of student
politics they took for granted.
Down in the bellows of Conser-
vative hell awakened by student
cries, sources say a sentient
cheap blue suit named
Doug Ford crawled out
to the surface and to-
wards the warm
glow of mak-
Doug
Ford worried
journalists will
find his tax refund,
cancels journalism entirely
SATIRE BY ZACHARY ROMAN
A whistleblower,
who has remained
Illustration: Alanna Rizza

anonymous for fear of assassination, told The Eyeopener that Doug Ford is implicated in a Fyre Festival-esque tax evasion scheme. According to the Sunshine List, a database that includes Ontarians who make over $100,000 per year, Doug Ford’s 2019 salary is currently at $112,958.06. This places him into a personal income tax bracket of 11.16 per cent, according to the government of Ontario’s website.

Doug Ford. The man who accused student

unions of being ‘up to Marxist nonsense’ in a fundraising email last February. The man who ditched the traditional media bus on his campaign only to release interviews on his party-owned Ontario News Now network (which totally isn’t unethical). The man who ended a press conference by declaring the me- dia “the official opposition.” According to our source, Ford and other wannabe global elites are stashing money offshore on a solar powered yacht that never docks. “They have been dodging taxes since before taxes were even a thing,” said the whis- tleblower, with a wild look in their eyes. “A spray-tanned goblin like Ford is the perfect candidate to join a secret tax evasion society.” The next day, Ford took to Twitter to deny the accusations of tax fraud. “I would never cheat on my taxes. If we don’t all pay our fair share, the corporations I’m in bed with won’t get enough of citizens’ money,” said Ford. This issue has become a common topic at press conferences to Ford’s dismay. “I get

along with journalists one-on-one, I really do,” Ford said. “I like them, but it’s like the cheese slipped off the cracker with these guys and they went far-left. My friends would nev- er ask me about my taxes.” As Ford walked back to his office after a media scrum this past Friday, he heard a jour- nalist shout at him, asking about line 185 of his income tax slip. “Screw it, I’m cancelling journalism,” said Ford, storming back into the scrum. “As of right now, all journalism is illegal and punishable by imprisonment.” Toronto Star courts reporter Wendy Gillis asked Ford how this would fly in a court of law, to which Ford replied: “Where we’re going, we don’t need laws.” While everyone was distracted, Ford’s close personal friend Ron Taverner appeared and body slammed Gillis out of Queen’s Park, send- ing her plummeting 16 feet through a media- tor’s table. The incident bore a resemblance to the WWE’s 1998 ‘Hell in a Cell’ event. Last year, Taverner was set to become the next commissioner of the Toronto Police Ser- vice until the news broke that he was a close

family friend of the Ford’s. He is now the head of Ford’s anti-journalism task force (AJTF). “I’m here to make sure the cheese stays firmly on these journalist’s crackers,” he said. Former Toronto Sun editorial director Jamie Wallace is also involved with the AJTF. As Ford’s chief of staff, he is in charge of recruit- ing like-minded immoral individuals to join the secret group. Toronto Police have been raiding every competent news outlet in the city and arrest- ing everyone inside. The Toronto Star, Globe and Mail, CP24 and City News have all been hit, with the Toronto Sun and Rebel Media left untouched. Raids are spreading across the province under the direction of Taverner. As the era of news in Ontario comes to an end, I urge you readers to rise up against this injustice. Spread the word on social media and make this a national emergency! I’m not sure how much time I have left here at The Eye before I’m found out and locked away forever. I’m sending to this article to my editor before it’s too late. Oh fuck, is that Doug Ford in the reflection of my comput—

The Darkest Timeline

9

Students just fucking hope we’re in a simulation

SATIRE BY LYBA MANSOOR

The climate crisis, the discovery of incels

and the nazis are in. Our world is pretty fucked up right now. But what if this isn’t actually our world?

A handful of Ryerson students, under the club

Zion, a safe haven for those who are #woke, are convinced that what we call reality is nothing more than a very complex lie. They believe we’re trapped in a sophisticated

simulated reality, and they’re on the lookout for The One. The group is led by third-year student More Pheus, constantly enveloped in his signature leather trench coat and comically small sunglass- es (which also come as an accessory in a Bar- bie playset). Ryerson students believe finding The One will set humans free from this simula- tion.

system—a really bad, racist, misogynistic glitch.” Pheus claims the simulation has been glitch- ing ever since. “The Notre Dame Cathedral caught on fire and Grumpy Cat DIED this year. What more proof do we need?” Pheus cried. Amongst all this craziness, Pheus said that he found inspiration in a fortune cookie. “I went to a Chinese restaurant called The Oracle, and when I was done eating dinner I opened my fortune cookie it said, ‘We’re living in a simulation and The One can save us all from this toxic hell.’” After this, Pheus petitioned for the club

Zion. He wanted to find other like-minded stu- dents and save them from the simulation. He was sure having a larger group would also increase their chances of finding The One. “I knew I needed help, and I knew I couldn’t have been the only one noticing the glitches,” he said. Pheus began putting up posters around Ry- erson, advertising both club Zion, and his tire- less search for The One. The posters attracted a handful of stu- dents who have since joined his cause. One Ryerson student, Trint Itty, describes her inter- est in the club and her experience with it.

“The notion that this is all a simulated reality is kind of comforting. I mean, I’d rather believe our real bodies are Tethers currently floating in sleep pods, being harvested for bio- electrical power by some evil forces, than to think that this is the world we’re living in,” she said. Itty explained that it was slightly odd inter- viewing for membership. “It wasn’t a traditional interview, but I guess this isn’t a traditional group. He made me, and the others, choose between a red Jolly Rancher or a blue Jolly Rancher. Those of us who chose red got to join. I don’t really know what happened to the others…” With several students aiding his cause now, Pheus is steadfast on finding The One and “freeing humanity from the shackles of the simulation.” “Some may call us and our cause crazy, but I’d say

real

realized we were stuck in a accepting this as life is he said.
realized we were stuck in a
accepting
this
as
life
is
he said.

“I

simulation in 2016 during the U.S. elections,” he said. “The way

that unfolded, it had to have been a glitch in the

crazier,”

ILLUSTRATION: PERNIA JAMSHED

The Darkest Timeline survey results

The Eyeopener released a survey last week about all things dark, weird and existential. Here are our favourite results:

On the celeb you want at your side during the apocalypse:

• “Betty White. I’m confident she can’t die”

• “Michael Cera. I’m not sure if he has any useful skills. I just feel like he’s the only person in the world I can trust”

Three of you chose Danny DeVito with zero context

On what to do on your last day on Earth:

“Wear a ridiculous outfit, paint myself in glitter, talk to strangers and comfort them as we all rage until our inevitable death”

“Your mom”

“Invest in the coffin industry”

On your biggest regret:

“Coming to Ryerson”

“No Ragrets”

“Joe”

Error 404

On the future: 39.4% 39.4% 21.2% We’ll be okay ?
On the future:
39.4%
39.4%
21.2%
We’ll be okay
?

We’re going to save this planet if it’s the last fucking thing we do

On your death in the apocalypse:

last fucking thing we do On your death in the apocalypse: 24.2% You were last seen

24.2%

You were last seen raiding a grocery store

apocalypse: 24.2% You were last seen raiding a grocery store 36.4% You hurt yourself with your

36.4%

You hurt

yourself with

your own

weapon

a grocery store 36.4% You hurt yourself with your own weapon 39.4% You keep ignoring that

39.4%

You keep ignoring that cut on your leg

God abandons humanity to loiter on campus

Multiple students have reported finding God on Ryerson campus this week, only to come to the somber realization that He sucks just as much as we do. Students said they felt overjoyed to find His blinding light and promise of eternal life, but were shocked to discover He had taken on the form of a Gould Street skater boy. God alleged that he took a mortal form because it was the “perfect vessel” to understand the complexity of the human condition. Fourth-year film student and former God- fearing mortal Thea Byss texted God one night when she found out He was on Earth. “U up?” she texted Him, in search of answers to her despair. After proposing a meetup, God wrote via iMessage: “Yes my son.” The day of their meetup on Tuesday, Byss

SATIRE BY TYLER GRIFFIN

said she woke up slightly less dead inside than usual in her flesh prison. When Byss entered Tim Hortons she ran into God, the original Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Byss said He had a shaved head, finger tattoos and one dangly earring. “Dude, where

the fuck have you been?” Byss asked Him. The Supreme Being explained He abandoned

humanity after millen- nia of sin and human rights violations, but was trying to reconnect with His children after a re- cent backpacking trip through Thailand. God admitted He ran away from the Kingdom of Heaven to try and understand the hardships of the working class. “Southeast Asia

was life-changing. I did a lot of soul-searching.” “I’m thinking of teaching kids English in Bali next year,” our Lord and Heavenly Father said. Byss said that listening to God’s white saviour complex was the second most unbearable thing in her day, after listening to a white guy in her philosophy class play

“devil’s advocate.” English student Proust Malone found God loi- tering in a cloud of cu-

cumber Juul smoke in front of the IMA building. Malone asked God how he could get closer to Him in the godless life he leads, to which God replied, “Try acid.” “I was trying to understand the secret to living a holy life free from sin, but he wouldn’t shut up about the time he tried Ayahuasca.”

He wouldn’t shut up about the time He tried Ayahuasca

He wouldn’t shut up about the time He tried Ayahuasca The Darkest Timeline 10 The student
He wouldn’t shut up about the time He tried Ayahuasca The Darkest Timeline 10 The student

The Darkest Timeline

10

The student asked The Almighty Being to prove His omnipotent powers by answering the question on every student’s mind: when the godforsaken Gould Street construction will end? “The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field; and this is smaller than all other seeds, but when it is full grown, it is larger than the garden plants and becomes a tree,” God replied. “I have no fucking idea what that is supposed to mean,” Malone told The Eye. Malone left the interaction with a strange sense of hopefulness. “Maybe God really is dead, like, metaphorically—and good fucking riddance,” Malone said before running into the middle of the street and screaming at the sun. “HE IS DEAD! WE ARE FREE! GO ON, LIVE, NOW AND FOREVER!”

11
11

11

Your Space, Your Place

SCC OPEN HOUSE

Thursday, Oct. 24, 2019

Your Space, Your Place SCC OPEN HOUSE Thursday, Oct. 24, 2019 WhosE space? Students' space! Student

WhosE space? Students' space!

Student Campus Centre

55 Gould ST. (CORNER OF CHURCH & GOULD)

ryersonstudentcentre.ca

ST. (CORNER OF CHURCH & GOULD) ryersonstudentcentre.ca EVERYTHING FREE 11am-3pm: • Tons of activities, events,
ST. (CORNER OF CHURCH & GOULD) ryersonstudentcentre.ca EVERYTHING FREE 11am-3pm: • Tons of activities, events,

EVERYTHING FREE 11am-3pm:

• Tons of activities, events, free food!

• Scavenger Hunt, Ping Pong & Gaming Tournaments

• Live music

• After Party & Craft Beer Tasting at The Ram 5-7 p.m.

• After Party & Craft Beer Tasting at The Ram 5-7 p.m. @RSCOnline / R y

@RSCOnline

/RyersonStudentCentre

12

12
12
12
ENJOY FRIENDLY CONVERSAT1O NS. DINING SHOPPING SPECIALTY MOVIES North-East Corner of Yonge and Dundas
ENJOY FRIENDLY
CONVERSAT1O NS.
DINING
SHOPPING
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North-East Corner of Yonge and Dundas
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