The Warcry

Issue 1 October 18, 2019 

You B You-Crossfire  members to pick sides. However, 

many of us were taken aback by 
LGBT flag and string up effigies of 
various religious figures.  
Turf War?  the events that unfolded earlier  In retaliation, Crossfire 
We all know that over the  this week.  decided to initiate a very similar 
past few weeks, the tensions  As I’m sure many of you  declaration as they started to 
between the You B You and  have heard, on the 16th of  make moves to claim the math 
Crossfire gangs have slowly been  October, the tension between  block. Although Crossfire’s ability 
building. Some speculate that they  these groups climaxed. The You B  to expand was constricted by its 
are just naturally predisposed to  You gang members made a public  limited member size, they made 
be at odds with each other, for  declaration against Crossfire,  up for this fault by creating an 
obvious reasons. Others suspect  pledging to crush the rival group.  unforgettable display. Throughout 
that the two groups have been  This action was followed up by You  their domain, they hung up flags of 
antagonizing each other from the  B You quickly claiming their  the Holy Roman Empire 
start. Chief among these are their  personal meeting room as well as  accompanied with several large, 
meeting schedules. They are  taking possession of the  makeshift crosses. One member 
coincidentally ​scheduled at the  surrounding second-floor rooms.  went so far as to declare himself 
same time, forcing possible  Throughout their turf, they would  the Pope.  
proceed to hang banners of the 

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 While no fights have broken  small niche for itself on Instagram  read: “Knapp’s investigating this 
out as a result of this conflict, both  and Twitter by making fun of the  account… Thank you Knapp 
groups are refusing to back down.  various facets of Valley Forge. It  xoxoxo.”  
This has led many to believe that  appears that when this account    
this situation will only escalate.  slowly started to rise in its infamy  We here at Warcry stand 
Rumors have even circulated that  among students, it also brought  with Mr. Knapp in this goal to 
You B You members are currently  along the attention of the school  squash these troublemakers. As a 
planning their future skirmishes  administration. According to  proud newspaper of the district, 
against Crossfire.   multiple sources, they are  we do not support these 
We are interested to see  attempting to apprehend the  dissenters, nor do we support their 
how this war unfolds and how it  students responsible for the jokes  mindless legion of followers. We 
will affect the political hierarchy  that this account produces. The  hope that every last one of them 
of the clubs as a whole. However,  Valley Forge staff, headed by Mr.  gets the retribution they deserve!  
remember to stay safe throughout  Knapp, have been heard discussing   
the Valley Forge halls. Be wary of  the account and calling various 
possible gang members lurking  students suspected of running 
about. If you suspect that one of  (Not) Valley Forge​ down to Student 
your peers is associating with these  Services to confront them, but 
groups, be vigilant and steer clear  none of the actual culprits have 
of them.   been caught. We tracked down and 
  interviewed one of the students 

Dissenters Among the  who was called and, remaining 

anonymous, they commented, “He 
District?  showed me a jojo meme from 
Last Monday, on the 7th of  across the table. It was pretty 
October, it came to our attention  surreal.” The account itself 
that an account named ​(Not)  published a statement on October   
Valley Forge​ had carved out a  9th, in the form of a story, that 

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Laundered Lunches  Upon interrogation, some 
students with half-eaten nuggets 
The Quarter is Over 
Some find it sketchy that  seemed to behave inattentively or  For you, that only means the 
the district suddenly has the funds  irritably. Other students refused to  next one’s starting right after. You 
to support projects that in the past  eat their nuggets, declining to give  could think of this optimistically; a 
they deemed needless expenses.  our reporter any of them or to try  new, clean slate! A chance to 
This sudden wealth has been used  some themselves when he  make your family proud after you 
to improve the sports programs,  inquired. One student threatened  completely crashed and burned 
increase the quality and diversity  to file a Stay-Away contract and  last quarter! You could maybe see 
of imported mystery meats, and  promptly “tell his mommy.” An eye  it as a way to get rid of the 
even add to the salaries of certain  witness report concurred to this  senioritis you’ve somehow already 
teachers. The student-led  testament later last week. The  contracted even though you’re a 
Investigation-Team has decided to  I-Team obtained some of the  freshman;although I can speak 
further survey the suspicious  nuggets and sent them to the lab  from personal experience when I 
circumstances surrounding the  for further analysis, and they are  say that likely won’t happen.  
instantaneous influx of cash, what  believed to have trace elements of  It could also just be the 
they discovered is not for the weak  THC. Further examination is  deathly reminder that it is already 
of heart.   required, but the investigation  a quarter through the year and 
An undercover agent went  team has a lead on possible gang  we’re all growing up and 
to gather some information at the  activity. Perhaps this is a ploy for  graduating at some point.  
lunch line. He lingered a little  the Weed Enthusiasts Club to gain  Either way, the second quarter has 
longer than usual to observe the  more support than the Nicotine  come upon us. The Patriot sends 
behaviors of the other buyers. He  Addicts Association?  you all good vibes for this quarter 
found it peculiar that students who  More updates will be released in  and your midterms! For if you 
bought multiple drinks with their  the following issues.  don’t pass, you will be subject to 
lunch also bought some sort of    his wrath. 
chicken product, namely the 
nuggets.      

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 Inspirational Poetry  Ask Stupid Questions, 
Bro what the lunchladys 
 
Get Stupid Answers  serving ussss? 
Carz in Barz   

There once was a car that  The corpses of everyone caught 

Who really owns this account  vaping in school. Stay cool don’t 
broke into a bar  lol  juul kids. 
To steal some booze since he   

had nothing to lose.  The Zodiac Killer’s several 

Horcruxes. Congratulations, you’ve  Why is there piss on the 
He messed with a gang and  floor?? 
found us! 
blew up with a bang.   
To avoid drowning the centipede 
So he was never seen again.  Thoughts on Normandy?  that just tryna live its best life on 
The End.   
the urinal. 
They aren’t worth any. 
 
A poem by haha no you’ll never  How gamer are you? 
know who we are  What made you want to start 
  
this account? 
   
Very gamer if I do say so myself. 
 

Honestly, it started out with a 

  desire to annoy Knapp and then  Can I help out with the 
  just kinda spiraled out 
of control. 
account? 
 

    Absolutely not. Nice try though. 

 
 
   
If your question wasn’t picked, 
it’s probably because it was ​too 
   
stupid. Try again when we post it 
for the next issue. 
   

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 Club Advertisements  Do you find that you just 
have too much free time in eighth 
Sports! 
Do you desperately need to  grade? Do you want to ​feel ​like  Since we aren’t a real 
look good on a college application?  you’re making a difference,  school newspaper, we won’t be 
Do you literally have absolutely  without doing anything at all? Do  covering all of the sport events 
nothing better to do with your  you want to be part of a group that  that have gone on in the past two 
time? Join ​Student Council​! It’s a  is the very definition of arbitrary?  weeks. However, we will give you 
fun way to lose all brain cells and  Why not join ​Eighth Grade Student  a brief overview of some of the 
be made to feel like complete and  Council​? It’s just the same as  more ​interesting​ events.  
utter garbage by our president.  Student Council, except with less   
Also, make sure you check out our  authority and full of kids that are  -Cross Country- 
instagram for unironically bad  even more immature! So if you  On Sunday, October 13, the 
captions that give you the urge to  want to have a conniption fit over  Patriot Cross Country Teams raced 
bang your head against a wall until  frustration with your peers, or if  around the coast of Innsmouth. 
you forget.  you want to make decisions that  The top Patriot men were: Michael 
If you’re the kind of person  will inevitably be overruled by the  Davis, Mark Wilson, John Smith, 
who wants to be surrounded by 8th  real Student Council, this club will  Garret Tatham, Ferdinand MacRae, 
graders and freshmen who are still   
fit you perfectly! Feichín Reeves, Apollo Yanev, 
way too attached to the dreaded    Burkhart Korošec, and Þórgísl 
emo stage of life, join ​Drama Club​!    Opeyemi. The Patriot ladies were 
All of them want a degree in    paced by: Sophia Brown, Emma 
musical theatre, and all of their    Miller, Isabella Williams, Alexis 
mom’s don’t get that it’s not just a    Goddard, Corretta Vahn, Joann 
phase! So if it really isn’t just a 
 
Smythe, Guiomar Maeda, Bodil 
phase, then this is the club for  Bazzoli, and Gunda Dhiszhuubaax. 
you! 
 
   
 
   

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 -Jousting-  -Demonic Battle-  months, and we all know just how 
On Saturday, October 12,  On Friday, October 11th,  holy the Redmen are. 
the first tournament of the  the Valley Forge Demonic Battle  The game, although 
long-awaited jousting season took  team began their season, and they  generally a blur of blood, guts, and 
place. Pitted against each other  truly couldn’t have gotten off to a  latin that I don’t understand, 
were the Normandy and Valley  better start.  ended with our brave Patriots 
Forge riders. Both 20-person teams  For those unaware of this  winning 4-1. Let’s keep the 
were eager for it to begin as they  demonic sport, it simply goes as  winning streak going in capture the 
had been preparing for roughly a  follows: a game is chosen and each  flag next week against Padua! 
month for their first match.   team must prepare and hastily   
Within twenty minutes of  bring the power of their 5 chosen   
the match starting, Normandy had  demons to the mortal world and   
gained a four point lead and left  immediately become their vessels.   
two Valley Forge riders fatally  Valley Forge’s Daniel Nelson,   
wounded. However, Valley Forge  Alyssa Bower, Iodocus Drest, Bouzi   
began their comeback after they  Yexa, and Zivoodoom Uxx chose to   
managed to shatter three ribs of  be inhabited by some exemplary   
the top Normandy rider. From  dark forces, including but not   
here, Valley Forge continued to  limited to Abbadon and Malphas. It   
make up for their early losses.   was clear from the beginning that   
The tournament ended with  Parma simply didn’t have a chance   
VF winning 9-5. The wounded  in this game of demonic dodgeball.    
Patriots in the Valley Forge team  This was proven to be true   
were: Jorge Garnett, Ulyssa White,  when Abbadon’s army of locusts   
Ovídio Elwin, Jeremías Wright, and  brought their wrath upon the   
Hubert Rhodes. Good work  opposing team. For they torment   
Patriots!  men who lack the seal of God on 
  their foreheads for more than five 

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 Disclaimer 
The Warcry​ is a satirical publication whose intent is to entertain and satirize various events and happenings within 
Valley Forge High School and the Parma City School District. ​The Warcry​ is in no way officially associated with Valley 
Forge High School, the Parma City School District, or any subsequent staff. ​The Warcry​ is owned and operated by ​(Not) 
Valley Forge,​ which is not and does not claim to be an official account of Valley Forge High School in any capacity. ​The 
Warcry​ is not and does not claim to be an accurate and credible source of news and information pertaining to Valley 
Forge High School, the Parma City School District, or any other subjects found in its contents. ​The Warcry​ is written 
with comedy in mind, and it and its owners should not be viewed as reporters of accurate information. ​The Warcry​ is 
not written with the intent to personally attack or target any PCSD staff or students, and all students that are named 
within ​The Warcry​ are fictitious persons, and any correlation between them and actual members of the PCSD student 
body are coincidental. ​The Warcry​ is not written with malicious intent, and its contents should be viewed as a 
light-hearted and comedic stance, rather than a slanderous piece to be taken seriously. Any individual associated with 
The Warcry​, whether it be an author, an interviewee, or any other individual connected to ​The Warcry​’s creation, will 
remain anonymous. Do not attempt to contact ​The Warcry ​or ​(Not) Valley Forge​ with questions pertaining to the 
identity of any of the parties involved, as your request will be denied. The making of ​The Warcry​ was influenced and 
inspired by Valley Forge’s newspaper, ​The Battlecry​, but is in no way a replacement or “newer version” of ​The 
Battlecry​, as ​The Battlecry​ is the property of the PCSD, and therefore not associated with ​The Warcry.​  
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please keep in mind that PCSD staff possess no inherent authority over ​The Warcry​ or ​(Not) Valley Forge​, as they are 
not official facet of the PCSD. As such, if you are PCSD staff, you will not be treated as a figure of authority, but 
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The articles and illustrations found in ​The Warcry​ were made by the creators of ​The Warcry ​in-house. We do not give 
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