Passion Sex Intimacy

The Healthy Relationship Program:
A Workbook Series for Couples
*************
Passion, Sex and Intimacy:

Keep the fires of passion burning
By
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage
or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.
Published by Richard Nicastro
Copyright © 2008 by Richard Nicastro
First Edition
Table of Contents
Disclaimer…………………………………………………………………………………………. v
Introduction………………………………………………………………………………………. vi
Chapter 1: Passionate Sex: How to overcome boredom in the bedroom….. 1

Blocks to sexual intimacy……………………………………………………………………. 5
Sex can be pretty complicated…………………………………………………………….. 6
Chapter 2: Assessing your sexual/passion scripts………………………………….. 9

Pro-sexual scripts………………………………………………………………………………. 10
Anti-sexual scripts…………………………………………………………………………….. 10
The origin of your negative sexual/passion scripts……………………………….. 14
Overcoming your negative sexual/passion scripts………………………………... 17
The antidote to the quick fix: The 3 P's………………………………………………... 24
Chapter 3: Passion 101: The essential passion principles……………………….. 27

Prioritize sex……………………………………………………………………………………... 27
Plan for sex……………………………………………………………………………………….. 28
Plan for romance……………………………………………………………………………….. 31
Become playful and provocative………………………………………………………….. 33
Nurture your sexual attitude……………………………………………………………….. 36
Break the Taboo: Talk about sex………………………………………………………….. 39
Learn about your own sexual needs……………………………………………………... 41
Become less predictable………………………………………………………………………. 44
Think about the benefits of making love……………………………………………….. 46
Use fantasy to ramp up passion……………………………………………………………. 47
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Chapter 4: Lessons learned from the infatuation stage of relationships…… 50
The power of anticipation…………………………………………………………………... 51
Ramp up anticipation: The joy of teasing……………………………………………... 54
The basics of teasing…………………………………………………………………………... 55
It's all about attitude………………………………………………………………………….. 55
Knowledge……………………………………………………………………………………….. 57
Variety is the spice of life…………………………………………………………………... 59
Try something different…………………………………………………………………….. 59
Teasing and anticipation: a perfect match…………………………………………... 61
Pacing: don't over do it……………………………………………………………………… 63
Teasing lost and found……………… ……………………………………………………... 64
Relationship rule……………………………………………………………………………... 65
Look for teasable moments……………………………………………………………….. 66
Chapter 5: A match NOT made in heaven: Stress and passion………………. 71

The power of focus……………………………………………………………………………. 73
Increasing your sexual appetite through the power of focus………………….. 75
Focused rehearsal………….. ……………………………………………………………….. 76
Mind clearing…………………………………………………………………………………... 79
Mind organization………….. ………………………………………………………………... 80
Learn to compartmentalize………………………………………………………………... 86
Create a new reality…………………………………………………………………………... 90
Chapter 6: Sensuality 101: Fine-tune your senses………………………………….. 94

Sensory blunting versus sensory astuteness…………………………………………. 94
The antidote to sensory blunting: savoring your new reality………………….. 97
The sensual touch exercise…………………………………………………………………. 99
The power of heightened awareness……………………………………………………. 101
The selfless lover…………………………………………..………………………………….. 102
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Chapter 7: An in-depth look at experimentation………………………………….. 104
The 7 steps of effective sexual experimentation……………………………………. 105
Keep it consensual……………………………………………………………………………. 105
Make it playful…………………………………………………………………………………. 105
Keep it simple………………………………………………………………………………….. 107
Everyone passes!.......................................................................................... 108
Communication openly…………….. ……………………………………………………... 108
New ideas lead to new excitement………………………………………………………. 111
Use fantasy………………………………………………………………………………………. 113
Chapter 8: A note on varied eroticism………………………………………………… 114
Chapter 9: Mindsets that can destroy intimacy……………………………………. 120

Familiarity: The good and the bad……………………………………………………... 120
Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship………………... 122
The ten anti-passion mindsets…………………………………………………………... 123
But I'm just not attracted to him anymore!................................................. 157
The importance of like in your marriage or relationship……………………….. 158
Take the necessary steps to keep like alive…………………………………………... 159
Chapter 10: The role of fantasy in your sex life……………………………………... 162

When fantasies become a problem………………………………………………………. 163
The role of fantasy in long-term relationships……………………………………… 163
Different uses of fantasy……………………………………………………………………. 164
The fantasy danger zone: When fantasy replaces intimacy……………………. 164
Some final thoughts………………………………………………………………………….. 166
Some points to keep in mind……………………………………………………………... 167
One last point about why sexual incompatibilities occur………………………. 169
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Disclaimer:
The Healthy Relationship Program is not designed to treat a mental disorder or replace
counseling. If you are experiencing mental symptoms that are negatively impacting
your ability to function, you should be evaluated by a mental health professional
trained to diagnosis mental illness. The content of this workbook is informational and
should not be considered a substitute for counseling.
If you are in marriage or couples counseling, it is recommended that before

implementing the Healthy Relationship Program, you share the information in this
program with your counselor or therapist. This will allow your counselor to assess if s/
he feels that the information contained in the program is consistent with the goals you
have established in couples counseling.
If your relationship is volatile or abusive in any way, it is recommended that you seek
professional counseling.
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Introduction:
Welcome to the Healthy Relationship Program—a series of comprehensive workbooks

designed to teach you the skills needed for a strong and vibrant relationship. The
Healthy Relationship E-Workbooks are both informational and interactive: As you read
you will be asked to answer questions about your life and complete different exercises
along the journey. The questions and exercises in this workbook were developed in my
work with couples over the past fifteen years. You may find certain exercises more
powerful than others—this is to be expected. But each question and exercise should be
given your full attention and best effort. To get the most benefit out of this program,
you will need to roll up your sleeves and give it your all. (Remember: a healthy
relationship doesn’t just “happen”—it is the product of hard work and consistent
effort.)
It is strongly recommended that you write out your responses to the questions
throughout this workbook. Spaces have been left for your responses; keep extra paper
handy so that you can answer in greater depth when you need to. Journaling has
several benefits and will allow you to revisit your responses and gain more objectivity.
Journaling can help you clarify and deepen your experiences—an essential part of the
Healthy Relationship Program.
So, are you ready to begin?
In this module, you will discover:
~The common blocks that can be standing in the way of sexual intimacy;
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~The powerful concept of unconscious sexual “scripts” and how they may be impacting
your sex life;
~Concrete steps you can take to increase the passion in your marriage or relationship;
~Why the art of teasing shouldn’t be limited to young love;
~How to become effective at teasing and creating sexual anticipation;
~How the stress of your daily life may be taking a dramatic toll on your romantic life;
~Practical, effective exercises to help you and your partner create a sexual sanctuary;
~How to become a more sensual lover;
~How to increase the passion in your relationship through the art of experimentation;
~Ten mindsets you need to avoid in order to nurture intimacy and passion;
~The pros and cons of fantasy in your sex life;
~and much more!
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Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Passionate sex: How to overcome boredom in the bedroom
When couples are asked about their biggest struggles, challenges, and the issues that
lead to conflict, sex often tops the list of complaints. It is said that a satisfying sex life
accounts for 5% of a healthy relationship, but when sex becomes a problem, it accounts
for 95% of what's hurting a relationship. In other words, dissatisfaction in the bedroom
dramatically impacts the overall quality of your marriage or relationship—the long-arm
of sexual dissatisfaction touches all parts of your relationship.
From Gwen, married twenty-two years:
“I love my husband. He's kind and gentle and a great father to our three children. If I
had one complaint about the relationship it would be that somewhere along the way
we've become more like friends than lovers. We had an amazing sex life early in our
relationship but now we're lucky if we have sex once a month, and when we do it's
pretty unremarkable. I really enjoy sex and I'd like to make it a regular part of our life
again. It makes me feel special and loved…”
From Jeremy, married almost nine years:
“I'd never say this to Jennifer, but I'm not sure if she turns me on. Well, she does and
she doesn't. At times I find her attractive but not always. I know she's pretty and other
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Reproduction of this book, or sending it to another person without written permission from the author is prohibited.
Passion, Sex and Intimacy: Keeping the fires of passion burning © 2009, Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.
guys probably drool over her, but our sex life never reached the stratosphere.
Sometimes that feels OK and other times I wonder if there should be more to our
relationship—that maybe something is missing…”
From Lauren, dating her boyfriend Austin for two-and-a-half years:
“Sex has never been that important to me—I can take it or leave it. My doctor told me
that that's normal, but the problem is my boyfriend wants sex all the time. I can't put
my arm around him without him getting turned on. When we make love I really enjoy
it, but he gets mad because I never initiate sex…”
As the above quotes indicate, physical intimacy is a frequent casualty in many

relationships, especially long-term relationships. This workbook is designed to help
you protect this vital part of your relationship.
Creating and maintaining a satisfying and passionate sex life takes work. Many couples
are surprised by this fact and often feel blindsided by the reduction of passion that
occurs over the course of their marriage or relationship. There are many paths to
creating a fulfilling sex life with your partner, but problems arise when couples hold on
to what sex was like in the beginning of their relationship and see that as the sexual
standard that should be maintained throughout the life of their union. Here's the
problem: in the beginning of many relationships, sex and passion seem to have a life of
their own--sex occurs spontaneously, effortlessly, and for many couples, frequently.
You may be painfully aware that the bliss that existed early on in your relationship is
now elusive at best and non-existent at worst.
Throughout this module we will be revisiting the idea that sexual satisfaction cannot
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Chapter 1
exist independent of other relationship issues. I often tell couples that the quality of
their relationship follows them into the bedroom. Let's look at a brief example to
illustrate this important point.
Not all relationships start off in pas-
sion overdrive. Relationships (like
Meet Irene and Victor:
the individuals in the relationship)
have unique rhythms and cycles. For
some couples, passion remains a Irene is a thirty-two-year-old aerobics instructor who has
slow simmer throughout the life of
lived with her boyfriend Victor for two years. They dated on
their relationship; for others, intense
sexual peaks followed by lulls and and off for five years before deciding to make the commitment
even periods of inactivity may be the to live together. Victor, a manager at a high- end restaurant in
norm. Work to become aware of
Chicago, met Irene while working out at the gym where she
your (and your partner’s) sexual
rhythms and note what increases works. He likes to joke about how his workouts suffered
passion in your relationship and because he spent most of his time staring across the gym at
what blocks the passion you and
Irene. Initially Irene didn't give Victor much attention. "I
your partner desire.
thought he was like most guys at the gym who were into
themselves and their bodies. I guess I haven't had a lot of luck
with dating. The guys I've met turned out to be jerks who were totally into me at first
and then just wanted to coast. I don't need to be catered to 24/7, but when I have to
compete all the time with the television or his friends, then I draw a line."
Victor admits he isn't always the best boyfriend, and after two failed attempts at
couples counseling, he now concedes that he needs to change if his relationship with
Irene is going to last. In a beaten-down tone of voice, Victor says, "I don't like talking
about my feelings or how my day went at work and we fight about this all the time.
When I come home from work I'm just not in the mood to 'communicate.'" Victor says
the word "communicate" in a mocking tone a voice, which leads me to believe that
Irene has more than once used it to try to get through to him.
After Victor is done explaining his side of things, Irene quickly jumps in with, "And you
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won't believe what he wants from me when he gets home. For You are not alone if you and your
partner struggle to maintain a pas-
some reason, he isn't able to talk to me, but he has the energy
sionate, sexually rewarding relation-
to have sex. Do you believe this! So he's basically telling me ship, or if you feel that your sex life
that I'm not important enough to talk to, but as long as I'm is just "OK" and you long for a
greater physical connection with
willing to have sex he'll give me some attention…"
your spouse/partner. Your subjec-
tive level of satisfaction is what mat-
As you might imagine, Irene doesn't want to make love to ters, not how often you have sex. You
and your partner may be having sex
Victor in these moments and they've be fighting more often.
once a week and feel highly satisfied
Victor calls Irene "passive-aggressive" in her refusal to have sexually, while another couple may
sex, while Irene has a long string of negative adjectives to prefer to engage in more frequent
lovemaking.
describe Victor's behavior (including “self-centered”;
“uncaring”; “selfish.”) Couples often make the mistake of
comparing themselves with other
couples—for instance, the neighbors
What Victor doesn’t comprehend is that Irene needs to feel
are having sex five times a week,
emotionally connected to him before making love. When Irene your best friend and her new hus-
gave in and had sex with Victor in those moments when she band make love once or even twice a
day, while you and your partner are
wasn’t ready, she felt resentment toward him and angry with
lucky if you see each other naked,
herself for not standing her ground. Their relationship and maybe have sex twice a month.
problems (the lack of communication and Victor's But what if you and your partner/
spouse are totally happy with this
insensitivity) have a direct impact on Irene's sexual desire and
arrangement? This is the central
sexual satisfaction. question to ask when evaluating
your love life.
Relationship Rule: The quality of your relationship outside the

There is no one-size-fits-all mean-
bedroom directly impacts what happens inside the bedroom. ingful sex life. What works for one
couple may not for another. So if
keeping score with someone else
Take comfort in the fact that you're not alone if you want a
makes you feel bad about yourself
more thrilling or satisfying sex life. Many couples in long-term and your relationship, it's probably a
relationships note a marked reduction in the quantity and good idea to stop these punishing
comparisons.
quality of sex as the years progress (while others report that
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Chapter 1
physical intimacy becomes more meaningful as their partnership deepens). When

you're wrapped up in the heady euphoria of a new relationship, it's hard to imagine
that the grinding reality of daily life can ever dampen sexual desire, but, voilá! Here
you are, years later, juggling kids, a mortgage and a new career, and sex just isn't a
priority.
Over the course of a relationship, lust and infatuation give way to a deep and stable
attachment that many couples regard as the hallmark of a meaningful and fulfilling
union. If you mistake these natural changes (a cooling of fiery passion) as a sign that
something is inherently wrong in your relationship (rather than understanding these
changes as normal and inevitable), then you are likely to panic and possibly make
decisions that aren't in the best interest of your marriage or relationship.
Relationship Rule: the first step in rejuvenating a lackluster sex life is the awareness
and acceptance of the natural ebb and flow of passion and intimacy.
Blocks to sexual intimacy
In addition to the natural reduction of sexual desire and frequency that occurs in long-
term relationships, there are other factors that may be contributing to a lackluster sex
life. Here are a few to consider:
~Hormonal changes associated with pre-menopause and menopause (it is estimated

that one in four premenopausal women and one in three menopausal women struggle
with low sexual desire)
~Low levels of testosterone (high testosterone levels are associated with heightened
sexual desire in both men and women)
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~Stress (the adverse effects of stress are well-documented and can easily dampen your
interest in sex)
~Depression (low sexual desire is a common symptom of depression)
~Side effects of certain medications (including many anti-depressant medications)
~Emotional conflicts over sexuality (we will be examining the power that negative
attitudes about sex can have on your relationship)
~Unresolved anger or resentment toward your partner
~Poor communication between you and your partner
~Sexual performance anxieties (common in men but also prevalent in women)
~Fatigue (caused by stress, a medical condition or insomnia)
~History of trauma (especially sexual abuse)
If you or your partner struggle with low sexual desire, it's always a good idea to rule out
any possible medical causes as the primary cause of low libido. I've heard many stories
of individuals and couples spending loads of money in counseling only to discover that
a medical condition was the central cause of a lack of physical intimacy.
Sex can be pretty complicated
Depending on your culture and family background, there might have been powerful
rules (often unspoken) that shaped your expectations and attitudes about sex. In
American culture it's still common to esteem young men who have numerous sexual
partners while chastising women for similar behaviors. This double standard sends the
powerful message that women are somehow flawed for expressing their physical needs;
while the counter-attitude that, "boys will be boys," gives men free clearance to
irresponsibly act out without consideration of the impact their behavior has on others.
The ways in which you learned about and experienced sex was filtered through your
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Chapter 1
predominant cultural and familial backdrop. For instance, if sex was a taboo subject
that was never openly discussed in your family (like it is in many families), then you
might have felt isolated and confused about your development and sexual awakening.
This dynamic can imbue sex and physical intimacy with a forbidden-shameful energy
that can shape your sexual experiences. If, on the other hand, you were taught that sex
was a natural expression of the love you feel for another person, then you may have
developed positive attitudes and feelings about sex.
Your attitudes, expectations and feelings about sex have an enormous impact on your
relationship. Because of this, you will be examining these attitudes in great detail
throughout this workbook.
The experience and expression of love through sex is the ideal

To create a fulfilling sex life with that many couples strive for. On paper this goal sounds
your partner, it is essential to exam- simple, but the reality is often quite different, depending upon
ine your beliefs and feelings about
your (and your partner's) attitudes and feelings about sex, as
sex—many which may not be con-
scious. This workbook will give you well as your sexual compatibility with one another. For
the tools to examine your attitudes instance, you might prefer to make love five times a week,
while also giving you specific behav-
while your partner is satisfied having sex once every two
ioral suggestions to enhance the
passion in your relationship. weeks; you might experience sex as an expression of love that
feeds emotional intimacy, while your partner tends to
experience sex as a highly erotic and mainly physical act that
has little to do with feelings. As you can imagine, under such diverse sexual
perspectives, conflicts are likely, as well as hurt feelings and resentments.
The influence of peers and your earliest sexual experiences cannot be overstated in
shaping your sexual attitudes. Many people learn about sex from friends and through
experimentation. When this is the central way you connect to your sexuality, it's likely
that the information obtained was skewed, incomplete or simply incorrect. But proper
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sex education isn't just about information—sex is an experiential, emotional and

spiritual phenomenon for many people. Just as important as the information you have
about sex is the context through which self-discovery occurred—learning about sex
within a supportive and loving relationship(s) creates an atmosphere of acceptance and
normalcy.
Questions to Ponder:
How did you first learn about sex?
What were the negative messages that surrounded these early experiences?
What were the positive messages that were a part of these experiences?
In what ways are you still impacted by these early events?
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Chapter 2
Chapter 2
Assessing your Sexual Scripts
A script is a set of rules and expectations you've learned early in life (they can be
conscious and/or unconscious) that guide and influence your perceptions, feelings and
behaviors. When an actor first learns a movie script, s/he must memorize dialogue
(what to say in a particular setting), but the actor must also learn what it feels like to be
a particular character and how this person is likely to behave. After rehearsing and
practicing the script, it becomes internalized by the actor (the actor takes on the
attitudes, feelings, motivation and behaviors of a character) and this new persona
becomes natural and automatic.
Childhood learning is similar to learning a script. Your parents/caregivers, siblings and

peers were the directors of the early drama of your life. By observing others and by
direct experience (being told how to behave, being praised and reprimanded for certain
things you've said and done), your character was slowly shaped. Ideally, your parents
were the kind of directors that allowed you to experiment with different scripts and
personas that felt most natural to you—allowing your authentic self to emerge and take
root. But unfortunately, the parent-director can set rigid rules and constraints on a
child so that little in the way of spontaneity and authenticity is encouraged. When this
occurs, you can end up feeling lost or not fully alive within the constraints of your
overly-scripted self.
Over the course of your life, you developed scripts to help you navigate family life,
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social relationships, your work environment, and romantic relationships. Within the
arena of love, you are guided by scripts for intimacy, how to communicate, how to
express feelings and emotions, as well as using your body as a means for connecting
with your partner.
Your passion scripts are your attitudes and feelings about sex—these are often
unspoken, and linger behind the scenes of your conscious mind where they exert a
powerful influence over your experience of physical intimacy.
Here are some sexual scripts that people often hold:
Pro-sexual scripts:
~Sex is an important expression of love, affection and intimacy

~It's healthy and perfectly acceptable to have physical and sexual needs
~I enjoy receiving pleasure and giving my partner physical pleasure
~I'm open to experimenting sexually with my spouse/partner
~Being a sexual being is an important part of being human
Note how each script has a particular feeling and motivation associated with it, as well
as an action/behavior that will likely result from the script.
Anti-sexual scripts:
~It's wrong to have physical/sexual needs and desires

~I should be ashamed for wanting to have sex
~I should not find others attractive
~My partner should not ask me to give her/him physical pleasure
~I'm too old to feel passion and sexual arousal
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Chapter 2
What are your sexual scripts?
To help you become more mindful of your attitudes about sex, complete the partial
sentences below. It's important to write whatever enters your mind—try not to filter or
“edit” your answers. When you screen your responses, you end up saying what you
think "should" be the response rather than the natural response (if you're concerned
about someone seeing what you've written, write your answers on a scrap of paper and
then shred the paper when you’re done).
Note: there are no "right" or "wrong" answers. The goal is self-discovery so that you
can create a more passionate and physically intimate relationship with your partner.
When I think about sex I______________________________________
Sex is___________________________________________________
When my spouse/partner and I make love, I_________________________
Sexually, I like it when my partner________________________________
To me, sex is all about________________________________________
The best part about making love is________________________________
Sex is an expression of________________________________________
The worse part about sex is_____________________________________
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When I get sexually aroused, I___________________________________
Sexually, I don't like it when my partner____________________________
Love and sex are____________________________________________
If my spouse/partner and I couldn't have sex again, I'd

feel_____________________________________________________
When I touch my spouse/partner's body, I feel________________________
After sex I________________________________________________
When I see my partner/spouse naked, I feel_________________________
When my partner/spouse sees me naked, I feel_______________________
When my partner is touching my body, I____________________________
My attitude toward my body is___________________________________
Now it's time to examine your responses. Take your time in exploring the following
questions:
When you review all your responses, what themes stand out for you?
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Chapter 2
Are you surprised by any of your answers? If so, what surprised you? Why?
From the themes that emerged in your responses, list any pro-sex scripts (attitudes)
that you hold:
Pro-sex Script #1:
Pro-sex Script #2:
Pro-sex Script #3:
Pro-sex Script #4:
Pro-sex Script #5:
Describe any struggles you might have regarding physical intimacy:
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Now list any anti-sex/passion scripts (attitudes) that you hold:
Negative-sex script #1:
If you are guided more by pro-sex scripts than negative scripts,

If you've been guided by negative
you are more likely to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with
scripts for some time, you might find
your spouse/partner (assuming s/he also is guided by pro-sex that you can think positively about
scripts). In order to enhance your sexual fulfillment (and feelings sex yet still have negative feelings
about physical intimacy. This is to
of freedom while making love to your partner/spouse), hold your
be expected. Rest assured, though,
pro-sex scripts in your awareness. Build on these scripts by that as you change your negative
speculating about the behaviors that might follow such sex- scripts and behaviors, sooner or later
your feelings will become more in
friendly scripts and attitudes.
line with your more pro-intimacy
views. Be patient.
The Origin of Your Negative Passion Scripts
If you've struggled with physical intimacy in the past, examining your negative-sex
scripts can help you begin the process of reversing this trend. Here are some questions
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to help you loosen the grip of any negative scripts:
(NOTE: If you have experienced sexual abuse or trauma in your past, exploring these
issues in this module might be disruptive and painful. For this reason, it is
recommended that you only explore trauma-related issues with a therapist or
counselor. If you are currently in treatment and feel ready to answer these questions,
it is recommended that you share the information in this module and the issues it
brings up for you with your counselor before proceeding further. You may find that
certain parts of this module are helpful and do not require you to revisit painful past
experiences. This means that you can boost the passion and intimacy in your
relationship without revisiting things you may not be ready to face.)
Describe at least two experiences that might have contributed to these negative scripts:
Experience #1:
Experience #2:
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As you reflect on these experiences, what stands out for you? What repetitive themes
do you note?
Negative experiences impact inti-

macy in a multitude of ways—you
might not even be fully aware of how
How have these negative sexual experiences impacted you,
intimacy is affected. These experi-
your attitude toward your body, and your ability to express ences decisively shape your scripts/
your physical needs? attitudes; how you feel about your-

self, your body, and others; and
these experiences can alter your
physiology and brain chemistry in
ways that make physical intimacy
challenging.
This doesn't mean you have to be a
In what ways do these past experiences (and negative scripts) prisoner of these experiences, but it
may take some time to loosen the
impact your current relationship?
grip of the past. Here is a powerful
way to free yourself: become hyper-
aware of all the ways in which your
relationship differs from past nega-
tive experiences. Actively notice,
focus on and internalize your pre-
sent day experiences that differ from
prior negative ones. Write lists of
how your current relationship is
It's not always easy to let go of past behaviors and attitudes. different and revisit these lists each
You may even feel conflicted about changing your scripts/ day. With consistency and patience,
your new growth-enhancing experi-
attitudes—maybe they've served some purpose that you found
ences will begin to create new pro-
helpful. To help tease this out and bring clarity to this issue, intimacy scripts that can be a new
think about the costs/benefits of holding onto your negative- guiding force in your relationship.
sex scripts (you might be surprised to discover that the scripts

that block your enjoyment of physical intimacy feel protective
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Chapter 2
in some way—give this some thought before moving on):
Benefits: Costs:
Overcoming Your Negative Sex Scripts
As you examine the benefits and costs of your scripts, turn your attention to all the
ways in which your current relationship is different from the experiences that created
any negative scripts. This is an important part of changing any negative scripts/
attitudes that you may hold. Describe in as much detail as possible these differences:
How can you begin using these important differences to change your negative scripts/
attitudes?
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One powerful way to reduce the influence of negative scripts is the replace them with
pro-intimacy, pro-relationship scripts—scripts in line with having a more fulfilling
relationship (you can to this with any self-defeating scripts/attitudes you hold). Think
about the kinds of scripts you would like to bring to your relationship and list them
below (e.g., making love is a great way to increase intimacy; it's OK to share my body
with someone I love deeply; I'm worthy of experiencing the gift of physical intimacy;
it's healthy and natural to talk about sex with my partner):
List up to five new pro-sex scripts you'd like to bring to your relationship:
Pro-sex script #1:
Pro-sex script #2:
Pro-sex script #3:
Pro-sex script #4:
Pro-sex script #5:
At this point it's important to make a commitment to rehearsing your new scripts on a
regular basis. It may not feel natural and you might not fully believe what you're telling
yourself at this point—that's perfectly normal when you're trying to change a long-
standing script. You have to give your new scripts enough time to "take"—to become a
part of who you are. It's similar to learning a new language—you need to repeat the new
material over and over until it is integrated into your mindset and until it feels
automatic.
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As you rehearse your scripts, stay mindful of your ultimate goal: To express your
feelings and desires with someone you love and trust. Don't you and your partner
deserve this?
List up to five pro-sex script behaviors that are a logical extension of your new scripts
(e.g., making the decision to initiate sex more often; acting flirtatious with your
partner; telling your partner what you need to feel safe with him/her):
Remember that scripts aren't just

Behavior #1:
static beliefs. They also involve feel-
ings, motivations and behaviors that
extend from the logic of the scripts. Behavior #2:
Try to feel what it would be like to
really embrace and believe your new
scripts. Looking at your pro-sex Behavior #3:
script list above, which behaviors do
you think should flow naturally from
Behavior #4:
these scripts (to help with this, imag-
ine how someone would feel who
holds these pro-intimacy scripts). Behavior #5:
Any new behavior (as well as any new script that you create for yourself) should be
consistent and in line with your core values. The goal is to enhance your passionate,
sexual self and the physical intimacy of your relationship, not to abandon your values
and what's most important to you.
Experimenting with new pro-sexual behaviors may take some getting used to. As you
explore behaviors that are more consistent with your new scripts, try to maintain a
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mindset of playfulness and respectful experimentation (we'll discuss the rules of

experimentation in greater detail a little later). Pick one new behavior that you're most
likely to follow through on and incorporate this behavior into
your passion repertoire. If you feel nervous or need
Whenever you attempt something
encouragement, let your partner know exactly what you'll new, it's important to show self-
need from him/her as you explore new ways of being (don't compassion. Be kind to yourself as
you leave your comfort zone and
assume s/he knows; the more detail you present about what
experiment with the unfamiliar. If
you need, the better the chances are of success). you're not ready to test the waters by
trying new behaviors, continue to
focus on rehearsing your pro-sex,
pro-intimacy scripts. Doing so will
Providing there aren't medical reasons for a dwindling sex life allow new behaviors to emerge down
(again, if you're not sure, schedule a complete physical and the road. Rehearsing your pro-sex
scripts can increase your confidence
voice your concerns to your doctor), there are some simple
and self-acceptance. Self-acceptance
principles you can incorporate into your life now that can help is an important part of a fulfilling
you and your partner resuscitate your physical relationship. love life.
Too often when couples attempt to address a particular issue

in their marriage or relationship, they take the initial steps to move forward, but lack
the follow-through that's necessary for real change to take root. This is usually
connected to a "quick fix" mentality: a mentality that advertisers instill by creating the
expectations that once you purchase the coveted "secret" to a happy life or marriage,
then everything will effortlessly fall into place. Unfortunately, there is no golden egg
that will help you build a better relationship. The best relationships are built on
consistent, hard work; regular mindfulness; sustained focus and attention that will
allow you to overcome past negative patterns that have been holding you and your
relationship back.
Before moving ahead, it's important to assess your expectations about change –your
beliefs and feelings about what it takes to build (and maintain) a meaningful
relationship. Your expectations have the power to bring about desired changes and
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Chapter 2
they can also stand in the way of real change. Having a clearer picture of your
unconscious expectations is vital for creating the type of marriage or relationship you
and your partner deserve.
The following questions will help you assess your beliefs about change. Decide whether
each statement is true or false for you:
1. I deserve a great marriage/relationship.

True or False
2. Most relationships go through difficult periods.

True or False
3. Great relationships just don't “happen.”

True or False
4. A successful marriage should take work and effort.

True or False
5. I am worthy of love.
True or False
6. Love isn't enough for a relationship to last.

True or False
7. My partner/spouse and I work hard on our relationship.

True or False
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8. I'm committed to my relationship for the long-haul.

True or False
9. I am ready to give my relationship ongoing attention.

True or False
10. It is normal for couples to work hard at making their relationship last.
True or False
11. Couples who give their marriage attention have stronger unions.
True or False
12. My partner and I have the power to build a stronger relationship.

True or False
13. Bringing about lasting change takes time and effort.

True or False
14. Hollywood depictions of love are unrealistic.

True or False
15. Most couples will have to set relationship goals and work toward creating a
successful relationship.
True or False
If you responded ‘false’ to three or more of the above statements, you may hold
unrealistic expectations about love and long-term relationships—if so, you're not alone;
many people hold expectations that prevent them from putting in the effort that
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Chapter 2
relationships require.
For each "false" response, think about where you might have learned this belief.
Describe one or two events that contributed to the formation of this expectation, with
an emphasis on why this experience was so informative for you:
Event 1:
Event 2:
As you work on the questions and read through this module (and other Healthy
Relationship Program Workbooks), try to be mindful of how these expectations block
you from moving forward in your relationship. Unrealistic expectations build cynicism
and can prevent you from being open to new experiences.
Throughout the different Healthy Relationship Program modules, you will be asked to
put in the necessary time and effort that intimate relationships demand. At times you
may find that you are your own worst enemy when it comes to strengthening your
relationship. It's important for you and your spouse/partner to develop an anti-quick-
fix mentality and take responsibility for creating positive change (by focusing on what
you can change, not by focusing on what you believe your spouse/partner should
change).
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The Antidote to the Quick Fix: The 3 P's
The 3 P's are vital when you’re ready to create your new anti-quick fix mindset. While
this might sound overly simple, I believe it's important enough for you to write them
down to remind yourself during those times when you lose perspective, get overly
frustrated, or feel hopeless about things changing for the better in your relationship.
1. Patience
Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
The virtue of patience is slowly becoming obsolete. Especially in western civilization,

immediate gratification is now the norm. It used to be that if you wanted something
you didn't have, you worked hard for it, saved up until you had enough money, and
then you purchased it. Today, people do the opposite—we purchase whatever we want
and worry about paying for it later thanks to credit cards. And usually by the time it is
paid off (if it ever gets paid off), the item that we needed so badly is collecting dust
somewhere in the attic.
A hedonistic mindset and the expectation of immediate and easy gratification are
unfriendly conditions to your marriage or any relationship, for that matter. Be patient
with yourself and just as patient with your partner. This will help create the conditions
necessary for you both to take the risks necessary for passion and intimacy to grow.
2. Persistence
Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another. ~Walter
Elliott, The Spiritual Life
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Chapter 2
Changing a relationship—improving it, learning how to give your partner what s/he
needs, even as these needs change over time—requires that you learn persistence.
Remember that there are no “quick-fixes” in life or in relationships. If you try
something new with your partner and find no immediate improvement, it doesn’t
mean this aspect of your relationship is beyond improving. Persistence is a vital tool for
couples, and it is only through persistence that the change you seek can be revealed.
When you persist in trying to improve your marriage or relationship, you reinstate your
commitment to your partner. You send the important message--through actions--that
you're staying put and that you are dedicated to improving things. Patience and
persistence are needed for passion to remain a part of long-term relationships.
3. Presence
Part of the responsibility of being in a relationship is showing up day to day

emotionally present for your partner. It's easy to walk around like a zombie, distracted
by the never-ending "to do" list floating around in your head. Unfortunately, it seems
like more and more people struggle with being fully present, not only in their
relationships, but also in their lives in general. The commitment to your partner (that
"for better or worse" vow) sends the message that you aren't going anywhere, anytime
soon. Now it's time to go a step beyond that traditional commitment and make a
commitment that's vital for the health of your relationship: Your Presence
commitment. It goes something like this:
"Each day I will take time out of my busy day to share myself with my spouse/
partner."
This type of commitment is pro-passion. It will help your partner feel cared for and
connected to you, an important ingredient in the world of passion. But what does
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sharing yourself actually look like? This doesn't have to be complicated and laborious.
A good rule of thumb is to always take simple steps first.
When scientists review their re-

There is no better way to demonstrate presence than by asking search findings, they follow the Law
your partner questions as a way of showing genuine interest in of Parsimony. They seek the simplest
explanation first to understand their
him/her. Here are a few sample questions to get you started:
findings. It's only after the straight-
forward reasons fail to clarify the
Are you OK?; How are you doing?; What was work like research findings that more compli-
cated explanations are sought. The
today?; Do you feel like talking about it?; What's new?; What
Law of Parsimony is a helpful princi-
do you think about that?; I'd like to hear your opinion; Tell me ple for you to apply in your relation-
how I can help out?; Do you need anything from me?; You ship. And give the simple changes
enough time to make a difference
seem troubled, what's going on?...
before moving on to trying some-
Notice how straightforward these questions are. They also

have something in common—they show that you are interested and present for your
spouse/partner. (To learn more about the power of listening and the essential skills
needed for listening, see the module: Healthy Relationship Program: The ABCs of
Effective Communication).
Let's turn our attention now to the essentials of passion.
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Chapter 3
Passion 101: The Essential Passion Principles
1. Prioritize sex.
Both you and your partner/spouse need to make a commitment to nurture the physical
aspect of the relationship. It's a big step to acknowledge that you've been overlooking
passion. But once you do, you can begin having the discussions that will get you
thinking about sex and eventually bumping it up on your list of priorities. There is no
shame in saying, "Hey, we got caught up in life and left something behind that we really
miss. Let's agree to openly and honestly work on this together."
A satisfying sex life is often one of the first casualties of a busy and over-extended
lifestyle. This can only change when you and your partner make the decision to place
sex back on the to-do list. If you and your partner skip the essential, mutual decision
step, the likelihood increases exponentially that your relationship will continue to fall
into a passion rut.
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Action plan:
What is one thing you and your partner can do today toward making a commitment to
prioritizing sex?
How will your partner know that you've made this commitment and that you plan to
take it seriously?
2. Plan for sex.
Once you've both agreed to make sex a priority, it's time for some planning. When you
create an action plan for passion, you've taken an important step toward increasing
success. Too often people have grand goals but lack the follow-through to reach these
goals. This is frequently the result of poor planning. Couples who fall into this trap
have good intentions but end up growing distant and confused about why things aren't
clicking the way they should.
It may seem unromantic to put sex on your running list of things to do, but be honest
with yourself: isn’t it a fact that the things on your list usually get done? (Besides,
having planned-for sex is far more romantic than not having any sex at all!) If you’re
serious about having a more meaningful love-life, then you might want to start making
it a priority you write down and therefore take more seriously. Plan for sex using the
same methods you use to plan for other important things in your life. Let’s face it: if
you didn’t think passion was important, you wouldn’t be reading this module.
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Chapter 3
Meet Jen and Larry: Totally in love but lacking planning
You immediately get the feeling that you're at a business meeting whenever you speak
with Jen and Larry. They exude a shared sense of professionalism and formality that is
difficult to penetrate. I wasn't surprised to learn that they're both highly successful
corporate lawyers who have worked hard to achieve this career success. Now in their
early fifties, they've been married for eleven years (second marriages for both) and
speak positively about one another.
When asked about their most pressing relationship issue, Jen took the lead in saying
that she and Larry feel more like friends and business partners rather than husband
and wife. Their explanation for why this occurred seems reasonable—they've both
made the choice to make their careers a priority and most of their energy is channeled
in this direction. But this ambitious drive to succeed hasn't blinded them to the
emotional and relationship costs that have taken a back seat to these career goals. They
both stated that a top priority is to infuse their relationship with passion and
sensuality. Taking inspiration from the Nike slogan, Larry interjected, "We know we
have to 'just do it' more often.'"
But Jen quickly jumped in, "We've been saying this for almost a year now and we're
both guilty of dropping the ball on this one…" They both agreed that more frequent sex
is a top priority and appeared committed to this goal. When they do have sex, they
report that it's satisfying and they feel closer to each other afterwards. After assessing if
there are other potential issues that might be standing in the way of this shared goal,
they both appeared surprised when I asked them to take out their daily planners so I
could see them. Each quickly shared the last month's appointments and meetings.
What was striking is that in addition to their work-related activities, they both
scheduled activities such as the gym, meeting with friends, sending out birthday cards,
shopping for food and other essential life maintenance tasks. When I commented on
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this, Larry said they'd never get anything done without writing in down. Jen said,
"When I write something down, it makes it more urgent for me, so I'm more likely to
follow through." Larry agreed.
They both stared blankly when I asked, "What's missing in your daily planners?"
Like many couples, Larry and Jen are overbooked, overscheduled and over-
committed. When this occurs, something's got to give and usually the relationship
takes the hit. By failing to schedule time for love-making into their busy lives, Jen and
Larry were destined to fail, unless they both drastically changed their lifestyles to such
a degree that their days were now less hectic—considering their interest and
commitment to their careers this wasn't likely to happen. They had plenty of career-
passion and they realized to keep their forward momentum going, they needed to plan
considerably in their jobs. The same held true for their relationship—they now had to
plan for physical intimacy. This might sound simple, but it's often difficult to execute
on an ongoing basis.
At this point you may be thinking: "Sex should be a spontaneous, natural experience.
Planning for it will ruin the magic." Not at all! Quite the contrary: many of the most
enjoyable, rewarding things we experience in life are things we must plan for. And
when couples put effort into creating the time and space they need for physical
intimacy, they temporarily take themselves away from the stresses of their hectic lives.
This planned-for time and space actually allows spontaneity to flourish. It did for Jen
and Larry.
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Chapter 3
Action Plan:
Are you ready to get out the daily planner (or your BlackBerry) and block out some
time for that all-important intimate moment with your spouse/partner?
When you consider scheduling intimate time together, what feelings arise for you?
Note any internal resistance toward this action plan and journal why you might be
having this reaction below. (When you set a call to action, sometimes hidden barriers
emerge that are often tied to negative scripts or unexamined feelings you might harbor
toward your partner/spouse.)
3. Plan for romance.
Romance is one of the most neglected aspects of a marriage or long-term relationship.

When romance takes a nose-dive, so does affection, playfulness, nonsexual touch, and
the messages that make your partner feel special. Romance is a mindset, but more
importantly, romance is action: Acts of romance feed romantic love and romantic love
feeds passion.
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A word for some of you men out there: Planning for sex doesn't mean buying a new
multivitamin and sprinting into the bedroom for a quickie (though if you're both up for
a quickie, go for it). The type of sex that fosters a couple's connection occurs within the
context of a loving, intimate relationship. When you nurture romance and make your
partner feel special, you set the stage for an evening of passion and great sex.
Couples often get stuck on the issue of romance because they hold overwhelming
expectations about what romance entails. I often hear something along the lines of,
"When we first started dating I was Mr. Romance. I don't have the time or energy to go
through all that again…" If romance = grand gestures in your mind, then you're less
likely to incorporate romantic gestures into your relationship. Romance doesn't have to
be costly or time consuming (of course, it can if you want it to be). A sensual body
massage with your partner's favorite lotion can go a long way in setting just the right
mood for passionate love making. Pay attention to romance first, and sex will follow.
Relationship Rule: With regard to romance, small gestures have a cumulative affect.
But small romantic gestures are also easy to overlook, so it's important to make the
effort to remain attuned to these small gestures.
Action Plan:
Ask your partner to write his/her definition of romance. You do the same. Then answer
the following questions:
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Chapter 3
What similarities and differences exist in how you each view romance?
List at least three concrete actions you can take to become a more romantic spouse/
partner:
1.
2.
3.
What are three concrete actions you can ask your partner/spouse to take in order to
increase the romance in the relationship? List these below:
1.
2.
3.
4. Become playful and provocative.
Couples in long-term relationships need to revisit the art of flirtation (this will be
Page 33
discussed in greater detail later in the module). Flirting and teasing are great ways to
ignite desire. Have you ever noticed how people in a new relationship excel at teasing?
Whether seducing each other at the supermarket or while sitting at a red light, new
lovers discover ways to turn each other on in the most ordinary of circumstances.
Unbeknownst to them, these couples are actively creating opportunities to flirt with
and entice each other.
"When was the last time you flirted with your wife?" I asked Emile. He stared blankly
for what felt like several minutes before turning to Evelyn and asking for his wife's
help. She didn't know either. “But don't you flirt only when you’re trying to seduce
them…I mean you flirt to ‘get’ the person, but once you know you've won them over,
what's the use?” He laughed. “As I say that, I realize it sounds pretty bad…”
For Emile, flirting was a method to be used during courtship only; once he felt
confident that Evelyn was committed to a relationship with him, he abandoned flirting
as an unnecessary remnant of the past. As I listened to Emile, I wondered if others held
a similar view about the role of playfulness and flirtation in their relationship. Clearly,
such behavior is more common when couples first meet and begin courting, so maybe
Emile isn't alone in his feelings about the role of flirting in his marriage. But Emile is
missing out on an important way to bring passion and excitement back into his
relationship.
When was the last time you flirted with your spouse or partner?
Action Plan:
The first step in infusing your relationship with passionate playfulness is to examine
your own blocks and inhibitions to the playful and provocative energy that exists within
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Chapter 3
you.
Self-reflection exercise:
Find a quiet place where you feel safe and won't be distracted in any way. Find a
comfortable position and take a few moments to focus your attention on your breathing
(this will take your mind out of over-active mode and create the mental space needed
for self-reflection). As your mind and body enters into a calm, reflective state, turn your
attention to the energy within your body. This energy can be very subtle and difficult to
discern, or it might feel clearly defined. Either way, allow yourself the time and space
needed for you to connect and just be with these energies—notice without trying to
influence these experiences.
When you feel ready (continuing to sit quietly and connecting with your body), gently
ask yourself: "Where is my playful energy, my playful self?" Send this question into the
internal quiet space that you've created and just note any images, sensations, thoughts
or bodily experiences that respond to this question. If it feels right to you, you can ask
this question more than once, or you can ask your own version of the question.
Action Step:
As you go through this exercise, ponder the following questions:
Do you welcome and allow space for your playful self?
Page 35
What form does your playful energy take (e.g., an image of you as a child; energy in a
particular part of your body)?
What would allow you to bring this playfulness into your

relationship? What stops you? Remember, at some point in your
relationship it will be important to
work on being playful, sensual and
seductive with your partner. While
this often occurs naturally early on
in relationships, as love matures it is
perfectly normal to have to deliber-
ately fan the flames of desire—this is
What information can you give your partner or spouse to help why open and ongoing communica-
tion with your partner about your
him/her become more playful and provocative with you?
desires and wishes is so important.
5. Nurture your sexual attitude.
Remember that having a sexy mind is one of the best aphrodisiacs available to you.
Passion and sensuality start with a particular attitude and mindset. The most
important part of this attitude involves giving yourself permission to be playful and
provocative with your partner. Without permission, you will remain inhibited and lose
the freedom necessary to have a fulfilling sex life. Learn to give yourself permission to
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Chapter 3
have fun with your partner.
The sex research pioneers Masters and Johnson talk about the importance of taking the
time to think about yourself as a sexual person. Your sexual
self is an important part of who you are and shouldn't be
If you find that you’re having signifi-
cant trouble giving yourself permis-
hidden from your partner or thought of as something
sion to be sexual and provocative shameful or embarrassing. Whether you choose to have sex
with your partner due to some unre-
often or not is less important than the acknowledgment that
solved issues such as trauma from
your childhood, it will be important
your sexuality can be an important part of the fabric of your
to consult with a mental health pro- relationship. Unfortunately, many people struggle with and
fessional to help you better under-
are conflicted over their sexuality. This can lead to feelings of
stand and clarify the impact these
underlying issues are having on you
estrangement, denial and defensiveness about one's sexual
and your relationship. self.
Action Plan:
Negative attitudes about sex undermine the level of physical intimacy you and your
partner will be able to create. You may be fully conscious of these attitudes, but often
these anti-sex scripts exist just behind your consciousness. Teasing out your attitudes
and feelings about sex can play an important role in increasing passion and meaningful
lovemaking.
If you believe you hold any scripts that inhibit you, list them below:
1.
2.
3.
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4.
Think of an "attitude" as a type of
script that you've learned through-
5. out your life. For instance, if your
parents told you to share with your
siblings, you might hold the script:
"I'm supposed to share with others"
Where did you learn these scripts? What purpose do they or "Sharing with my sister makes my
currently serve in your life and, more specifically, in your parents happy, so I shouldn't be
mean to my sister." Throughout your
marriage or relationship?
life you've developed thousands of
scripts that shape and guide your
behavior and reactions. When you
become aware of any relationship-
destructive scripts (e.g., "I can't trust
anybody"), it is important to exam-
ine the evidence that supports and
contradicts this script. You can also
re-write negative scripts in order to
empower your relationship. (See the
Rewrite your inhibiting, anti-permission scripts listed above “Take Control of Your Relationship:
Don’t Let Your Past Dictate Your
into pro-intimacy, pro-lovemaking scripts (e.g. "I'm too old to
Future” module for an in-depth dis-
be playful" becomes "I'm full of life and I have the right to cussion of how to use scripts to build
celebrate this with my partner"): a stronger relationship).
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
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Chapter 3
Rehearse your new pro-permission scripts on a daily basis and before you know it, the
attitudes that have been holding you back will begin to lose their grip on you. Over time
(remember, patience is a virtue), you'll be in a better position to create a deeper and
more meaningful bond with your partner/spouse.
6. Break the Taboo: Talk about sex.
Your assumptions about what your partner enjoys sexually might be standing in the
way of a great sex life.
Couples don't talk about sex, not as much as they should. This is unfortunate because
the best lovers ask questions of their partners: Do you like it when I do this? How does
this feel? What do you like? What would really turn you on? The message behind these
questions: "Teach me to be the kind of lover you need me to be." A curious lover is a
generous lover.
When communicating about each other's sexual needs and what is and isn't working in
the bedroom, tact is required. Your goal is to educate your partner/spouse about what
you want, not criticize him/her about what you're not getting. Sex is a sensitive topic
that can easily send your partner scurrying behind his/her psychic defenses. Without
tact, your partner is likely to hear the message that s/he is an inadequate lover—ouch!
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Action Plan:
Use the following two communication principles whenever you discuss sensitive issues:
1. Start with what's working/what your partner is doing right. You're both evolving--your partner's
In short, start with the positive. This will make your partner tastes in music, food, and clothes
have probably changed over the
feel good about him/herself and ultimately be more receptive
years, so why do you assume that
to your message. his/her sexual desires are the same
as when you first met? Ask your
partner what turns him/her on to-
2. Focus on what you need rather than what your partner is day—in this moment.
failing to give you. For instance, "I would love it if you touched
me like that more" or "I think I might like it if you touched my
(erogenous zone)" rather than, "You hardly touch my _________" or "You did that
once and I said I liked it and you stopped. What's wrong with you?"
Relationship Rule: When it comes to your relationship and sex in particular, you and
your partner are both teacher and student. The best lovers are life-time learners.
Don't assume you know everything there is to know about your partner's erotic
longings and desires (even if you believe you know your partner really well). Maybe
there is something s/he would like you to try sexually that s/he would find exciting.
Consider that it might be embarrassing for your partner to talk about his/her sexual
longings. It's your job to make her/him feel safe through acceptance and openness.
Remember, information about your partner's sexual desires and fantasies can go a long
way in creating an exciting sex life.
Research shows that healthy communication adds to a satisfying sex life. It gives your
spouse/partner the knowledge s/he will need to satisfy you, as well as helping you
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Chapter 3
satisfy your partner's needs; communication strengthens the emotional bond between
you—the biggest prerequisite needed for intimacy, passion and great sex.
There will be times in your relation-

ship where passion and sex take a
backseat because other priorities
need immediate attention (and some
of these priorities can gobble up a In the question above, you were asked about the pro-sexual
substantial amount of your emo- attitudes you share with your partner. When reflecting on this
tional and physical resources). This
is a common occurrence after having
question, did you draw a blank? Was it really difficult to
a child, since the demands of caring answer this question? If so, you're in good company. Many of
for an infant and young child are the couples I've worked with over the years know little about
exhausting. But does hitting the
their spouse’s or partner's attitudes about sex, lovemaking, or
pause button on passion and sex
mean that you and your partner have eroticism. And still others don't know what turns their partner
to abandon sensuality? When you on sexually—"she seems to like what I do" isn't the most
continue to touch one another
effective way of finding out what your partner needs. If you
(hand-holding, hugging, back rubs,
etc.) and send messages that make and your partner/spouse have a terrific sex life, then you
each other feel special—even when probably already know about each other's sexual needs
sex is on a temporary hiatus—you
(whether you discovered this by chance or by openly
feed the emotional bond that is the
foundation of your relationship. communicating about your needs). But if sex between you is
When this occurs, endorphins are "just OK" or you yearn for a sex life that's more fulfilling, then
released that make you feel calm and
it's time to start talking about sex!
content. This is one reason people
seek out their loved ones during tur-
bulent times.
7. Learn about your own sexual needs
At a recent workshop on how to increase intimacy, one of the attendees shared the
following:
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"Once I asked my husband what he needed sexually and he just looked at me like I had
three heads. After five minutes of silence, he said, 'How the
heck should I know…just keep doing what you've been doing, I There are certain conditions that
guess.' And honestly, I don't think I couldn't have answered must exist in your relationship that
that question without considerable thought." promote open communication—two

central ingredients are trust and
mutual acceptance. Without these
You might get a similar befuddled response from your conditions, you're likely to remain
partner/spouse when you initiate conversations about sexual inhibited, fearful that you might be
rejected, judged or even ridiculed.
needs. Most people aren't used to thinking in terms of having Feelings of anger, shame or embar-
psychological, emotional and physical needs (beyond the rassment are often indicators that
obvious need for food and shelter). Consider this for a you took a risk with your partner
and felt judged, minimized, or ig-
moment and think about what your needs are. Your needs can nored.
be categorized into the following:
Psychological needs
Emotional Needs
Physical Needs
Sexual Needs
Spiritual Needs
Intellectual Needs
To become an effective communicator, a good place to start is with your own needs. As
you comb through the above categories, begin to list what your needs and wants are. Of
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Chapter 3
course, it isn't reasonable or realistic to think that all your needs will be met (or that
your partner can meet all your needs). Ideally, your most important needs will get met
through a wide range of outlets, such as work, friends, family, intellectual and creative
pursuits, etc. But a big part of being in an intimate relationship involves meeting (or at
least trying to meet) each other's needs.
When you and your partner begin having direct discussions about needs, allow for
these "I don't knows," but don't give up at this point. Be patient and try not to badger
him/her. So when you (or your partner) proclaim, "I don't know what I need," it's
important to say something like, "Can you think about what you might need and we can
talk about this some other time?" This will give you and your partner permission to
start thinking about needs and how these can be communicated and met within your
relationship.
One way to get around the barrier to knowing about each other's sexual needs is to ask
specific questions (rather than the generic "What do you need?"). Here are a few to get
you started:
Did you like it when I _________?

Was I too gentle/rough when I did __________?
Should I do that longer?
You seemed to like it when I________. Would you like me to do that more?
I was thinking of trying________; what do you think/would you like that?
And any other questions that might be relevant to your relationship and love life.
Many couples find it helpful to ask for feedback while in the act of making love. Just
one or two well-timed questions during sex can give you important information about
your partner—asked in a teasing/provocative manner, your questions can increase your
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partner's excitement and add to the overall passion of lovemaking. But remember, keep
it simple--too many questions can become a distraction from the physical sensations
and pleasure you're trying to give one another.
8. Become less predictable.
Some couples fall into a rut because their sexual routines have become too predictable.
They have sex in the same place, at the same time, and go through the same sexual acts
without any variety. While familiarity is comforting and helps build trust, it can also
become a little boring when it comes to sex. Uncertainty and novelty feed excitement
and can give your sex life an electrical charge. There is research evidence to support
this claim.
When you and your partner participate in novel activities (such as vacationing in a new
location), the pleasure centers of your brain become more active—in particular, the
neurotransmitters Dopamine and Norepinephrine are released in greater quantities.
These chemicals increase feelings of happiness, increase motivation and can make you
feel more amorous. This is why couples feel excited and more in love while vacationing.
So when you become less predictable, you kick-start your brain’s pleasure centers and
you set the stage for greater passion.
When you experiment together, you create a shared sense of adventure in the bedroom
(or the living room, or the study...)
Meet Peg and Joel (and the art of experimentation)
"We're best friends and we spend most of our free time together." Joel delighted in
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talking about his relationship with Peg. And Peg was no different. The admiration and
love she feels for Joel is palpable. They seem like they've created the ideal union—a
union they both worked hard to create and maintain.
Part of their relationship work involved learning to experiment sexually. Peg described,
"Over the years we went through times when we couldn't keep our hands off each
other." Laughing and touching Joel's hand, Peg continued, "We're back in the place
now. It's been wonderful." They talked about the natural ebb and flow of passion and
came to accept the fact that passion isn't a constant. But
A little later we'll discuss ways to experimentation has helped them break some of the sexual
bring experimentation into your
lulls they've encountered. Before Joel continued, he asked Peg
relationship. It's important to note
that becoming less predictable for permission to share what their latest experimentation
should not compromise the basic involved. "Peg started wearing different wigs and dressing
values of your relationship. To suc-
differently. I couldn't believe it. And before you know it, we
cessfully stir the pot of passion, ex-
perimentation needs to occur within both started creating different scenarios. One time I meet her
the context of a stable, respectful at a bar and we pretended we just met. It was so hot…"
relationship/marriage. Otherwise,
you place yourself at risk for rejec-
tion or worse and/or your partner/
spouse might feel threatened that
your unfamiliar behavior is an indi-
cation that the relationship is in
trouble or deteriorating further. Action Plan:
Ideally, you and your spouse/partner can work as a team and

brainstorm about new and exciting sexual adventures you'd both like to create. As
emphasized throughout this workbook, such experimentation can only occur within a
supportive and accepting atmosphere. To make emotional safety a priority, you can
each think about what you'll need in order to feel safe with one another. You can write
these down separately and then exchange lists. It's important that you both commit to
one another's emotional safety lists.
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Once the ground rules of safety are established, try writing down something you’ve
always wanted to try regarding passion or lovemaking and let your partner see it. Ask
him/her to do the same. It's imperative that you don’t judge or criticize each other; just
share your thoughts—think of this as a conversation of self and other discovery.
Sometimes it’s easier for couples to broach sensitive subjects in writing (it can diffuse
some of the difficulty/vulnerability).
9. Think about the benefits of making love
This can be an effective way to increase physical intimacy, especially when you’re not
feeling particularly sexy or in the mood. Making love (even when your sexual desire is
low) has numerous benefits to your relationship and contemplating these benefits can
increase your (and your partner's) motivation to connect physically. Sex is a powerful
way to:
Express your love;

Give to your spouse/partner;
Research shows that the hormone
Receive pleasure; Oxytocin is released in both men and
Increase emotional intimacy; women during and immediately af-
ter sex. This hormone has been
Reconnect to one another;
linked to increased feelings of at-
Continue to build trust; tachment and closeness that occurs
Strengthen and refuel your bond; because of sex (it is also released
when mothers breastfeed their in-
Reinforce and highlight the shared love you both feel;
fants, thereby fostering a powerful
Show a commitment to each other and the relationship; bond between offspring and
Make each other feel loved and special; mother).
Meet each other's physical needs for sexual release (while

burning a few calories!).
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Can you and your partner brainstorm about other benefits?
10. Use Fantasy to ramp up the passion.
In the 1980s sexologist Dr. Ruth Westheimer talked about the power of fantasy and
imagination as a means to heighten sexual arousal. Millions of Dr. Ruth's fans learned
that it was perfectly normal to fantasize and use fantasy in a healthy way to increase
sexual satisfaction with their spouse or partner. Dr. Ruth's advice is as relevant today
as it was twenty-five years ago.
Why do so many people fantasize? Because the human mind seeks stimulation and
variety; and your imagination can allow this to occur in a safe way within a
monogamous union. Fantasy and imagination allows you to travel, to take a temporary
hiatus from the mundane and frustrating circumstances of your life. With the power of
your imagination, you can travel to far off destinations, confront the inconsiderate boss
who's been making your life miserable, sample power and success or fame, as well as
transform yourself into the world's greatest lover. (Later we’ll examine how fantasy
can be overdone and stand in the way of real intimacy).
Fantasizing can be an effective way to jump-start a low sexual desire. Sexual fantasies
can be categorized into the following:
Other Person Fantasies:
You think about a coworker, a favorite athlete or movie star during sex. While
fantasizing about someone other than your spouse or partner isn't uncommon, when
taken to an extreme, this type of fantasizing can become a problem and block intimacy.
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So if you need to see mental imagines of Brad Pitt to get going, have Mr. Pitt step aside
in your mind at some point so you can reintroduce your partner to the lovemaking.
This will allow you to reconnect with your partner and nurture the physical and
emotional intimacy that is a centerpiece of healthy relationships.
Other activity fantasies:
In these mental scenarios, you engage in a romantic or sexual activity that you find
titillating. This might involve having your spouse or partner treat you differently or
speak to you in a certain way. Or maybe you want to be wined and dined, made to feel
loved and special. Or perhaps it’s about engaging in activities you find highly erotic.
The central feature of this fantasy is that something is happening (some activity) that
may be missing in real life.
Self-as-different fantasies:
In these fantasies, you are transformed by your imagination. You may picture yourself
acting in ways that elude you in real life: The inhibited become spontaneous and
confident; the assertive and in-control person may wish to relinquish control and
submit; the partner who takes comfort in routine and predictability may look to shake
things up by experimenting with his/her partner, and so on. These fantasies allow you
to explore and try out new roles without the restrictions that accompany real life.
Some people share their fantasies with their partner, while others choose to keep this
world private for fear of judgment. Some fantasies can be safely acted out with your
partner, while others might push the envelope too far if brought to life. It's your fantasy
and you have every right to keep it private if that's your preference.
The important point to remember is that your erotic imagination is a healthy part of
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being human and can promote passion and give your love-life the burst of energy that's
been missing.
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Lessons learned from the infatuation stage of relationships.
"It was like I could predict everything that Stephen was going to do. Every time we had
sex, it was the same—he touched me here, then here, then here…And to be honest, I
probably did the same thing to him. I totally love him, but if I'm honest, things just got
boring after a while." ~Kathy, married six years
"One time I wanted to try a new sexual position I read about in a book on improving
your sex life and my girlfriend turned me down. I felt like such an idiot. I won't ever do
that again." ~ Allen, living with his girlfriend for eleven years
"Sometimes I wonder what other people are doing to keep their sex life exciting. I'm
just curious and I want to talk to my husband about trying new things, but I'm afraid
he'll think I'm unhappy. I don't want to hurt him." ~ Veronica, married two years
Kathy, Allen, and Veronica are all dedicated to their relationships and are seeking ways
to keep passion alive. They've each identified a common struggle: At some point in
their relationship, predictability hurt their sex lives. This doesn't happen to everyone
(many find the comfort of predictability a necessary ingredient for love making) and if
it does, it doesn't mean your relationship is in trouble. People have different needs and
some people thrive on change and variability.
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We will now go into greater detail and depth by exploring different ways to harness the
psychology of passion and erotic desire. Remember that it is perfectly normal to have
to work at keeping the embers of passion fired up in your relationship.
Part of what fuels passion and a heightened sense of sexual desire in new relationships
is the somewhat unpredictable, spontaneous nature of the relationship—after all, your
partner is still somewhat of a mystery to you. When you first fell in love with your
spouse/partner, you weren't certain how your partner was going to act (in and out of
the bedroom) and this uncertainty can be a big turn-on for many couples. So when you
(or your partner) shake things up a little and alter the usual structure and routine of
the relationship, you recapture that erotic energy that charges so many new
relationships.
The Power of Anticipation
You might have heard the saying, “Wanting is more exciting than having.” Desiring
something or someone that you cannot immediately have creates a state of tension—a
yearning that pulls at you, gripping your focus and attention. Research shows that the
pleasure centers of your brain are most active when you think about and anticipate
some type of reward, something pleasurable—even more so than when you actually
receive the reward.
So anticipation can act as a powerful way for you and your partner to passionately
connect and reconnect.
At an extreme, a level of anticipation and yearning can arise until it feels like little else
exists except the object of your desire. Using the psychology of anticipation can be one
of the most powerful aphrodisiacs available to you. How can you do this?
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You (and your partner) need to practice creating periods of longing in your sex life.
This can occur by deliberately withholding or delaying sex for a brief period of time in
order to create a deeper state of desire. So if your sex life is feeling mundane and
predictable, tell your partner that you want to make love in two days (instead of making
love on a night when it’s expected). To increase the heat a little, give your partner
flirtatious reminders that forecast the anticipated event; and let her/him know that
there will be a "surprise" the next time you make love (remember the power of the
unpredictable).
Rick and Tina: A Passion Rut Personified
Tina didn't hold back any punches. "Our sex life sucks. And it's both our fault; It's like
we both don't even try…We don't even see each other dressed up any more. Rick's
always in those grey sweat pants and baseball cap and I'm no better, to be honest with
you." Apparently feeling attacked, Rick quickly chimed in, "Well the other night I asked
if you wanted to have sex. Didn't I?" From the way Tina described that evening, Rick's
lethargic sexual query was no different from when he asks, "What's for dinner?"
According to Tina, on a good night, he usually gropes Tina's breasts before asking if she
wants to make love.
Rick and Tina are not alone when it comes to struggling with a passionless
relationship. Sex and romance are no longer a priority and there's no mental foreplay
between them. They've lost sight of the basics of passion and romance, and if they don't
work to revive this part of their relationship, they're in danger of becoming roommates
rather than romantic partners.
Why is such a rut so problematic for a relationship?
Passion, sensuality and romance are not just about the physical act of sex. In fact, you
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can have a passionate and sensual relationship independent of sex. When you and your
partner prioritize passion and romance, you are making the effort to make each other
feel unique and special.
This is worth repeating:
Passion + Romance = making each other feel unique and special
Passion and romance may lead to sex or it may not. But the more you make one
another feel special, the more likely that love-making will follow (though this may not
feel necessary for everyone).
When couples lose sight of this, they begin to feel disconnected and lonely within the
walls of the very relationship that's supposed to bring intimacy and connection. I've
seen this lead some people to become affair-prone. While there are many different
reasons why an affair happens, individuals who continuously feel underappreciated
become hungry for attention—this often sets the groundwork for an emotional affair
(you start to feel drawn to and connected to someone who gives you the attention that's
missing in your relationship). Before you know it, you begin to anticipate and feel
excited about spending time with this person; and as an emotional affair progresses,
secrets develop as you begin sharing more and more of yourself outside of your
marriage/relationship. This pattern may seem innocent at first, and you may
rationalize that you're just being "friendly" with this person. But if you're honest with
yourself, you would realize that you are retreating from your partner as you give more
of yourself to this other person.
Emotional affairs are more common than you might think. But there is an easy, two-
step solution to avoiding this problematic situation:
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Step 1: Each time you interact with someone you are drawn to other than your spouse/
partner, pretend that your partner is witnessing this interaction. Use this as a guide:
behave as if your partner were there with you. If you wouldn't say something if your
partner were present, it's probably a good idea to keep your mouth shut.
Step 2: Use the energy and time you would exert falling prey to an emotional affair for
your own relationship instead. Too often people are all too willing to give someone new
attention, but not the someone in their own marriage/relationship. Let's reverse this
unnecessary pattern.
Whether an emotional or physical affair occurs or not, feeling neglected by one's

partner is devastating and can have an enormous impact on your mood and how you
feel about yourself. It's a challenge to feel good about yourself when the person you
love and are committed to doesn't put in the time or effort you deserve.
Ramp up Anticipation: The Joy of Teasing
Teasing is a great way to fan the flames of desire by creating a state of anticipation. As
we discussed earlier, people in a new relationship are highly skilled at the art of
teasing. They take advantage of ordinary situations (being stuck in traffic, routine
phone calls, being in line at the post office) and elevate them to opportunities for
flirting and teasing and general romantic playfulness. They seem to be involved in a
type of game—a game with unspoken rules. These rules create moments that feel
enticing and forbidden to the couple, thereby increasing their excitement and desire.
This occurs naturally during new love (we discussed the changes of brain chemistry
that lead to intense passion and lust) and often people act in ways that they might
consider uncharacteristic.
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As Cindy said during a recent counseling session, "We'd pull off the road somewhere
and rip each other's clothes off. What were we thinking! We're
For some, an element of risk or dan-
lucky we didn't get arrested…" Eight years and two children
ger is highly arousing (for Cindy and
Oliver this involved the possibility of
later, Cindy and her husband Oliver look at their past sexual
being caught while getting romantic adventures with disbelief. Oliver joked, "I couldn't see us
in their car). For others, taking such
doing this again…Unless Cindy was into it. Actually, that
a risk would create a level of worry
and anxiety that would dampen any
would be pretty hot." Cindy playfully smacked Oliver on the
possibility of passion. What feels arm and told him not to hold his breath.
risky and exciting to one couple
might feel mundane and ordinary to
another. So there isn't any universal
rule about using risk as a passion-
enhancer—except, of course, that
Are you ready to enter the game of teasing with your partner?
safety should always be kept a top
priority. If you and your spouse/
partner find pushing the limits The Basics of Teasing:
arousing, it's important to be aware
of the potential risks and conse-
quences of this type of experimenta-
1. It's all about Attitude.
tion.
The art and skill of teasing starts with a particular attitude.

The most important part of this attitude involves giving
yourself permission to be playful and provocative with your partner. Without
permission, you will remain inhibited and lose the freedom necessary for the game of
teasing. It's vital that you give yourself permission to have fun with your partner.
Think back to a time in your life when you felt flirtatious. Maybe this occurred at a
particular time in your life or at a different time in your relationship. Reflect on this
time and answer the following questions:
What did this flirtatious/teasing energy feel like? Describe the thoughts, emotions and
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physical sensations associated with this energy.
What gave you the freedom to feel and act in this way?
What blocks this energy from becoming a part of your relationship today? Notice your
emphasis on internal/emotional blocks and/or external/circumstantial blocks.
What do you need (from yourself and your partner) to grant yourself permission to
experiment with teasing? Be as specific as possible.
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2. Knowledge.
Since there is no standard, one-size-fits-all rule for teasing, information about your
spouse/partner is essential for teasing to be effective. Use and build on what you
already know about him/her. How can you do this?
Take the time to review the sexual history of your relationship and answer the
following questions:
What kind of activities aroused your partner in the past?
What turns him/her on presently?
How have your partner’s sexual tastes and preferences changed?
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To get at the heart of these questions, you'll need to talk with your partner about her/
his current sexual interests and fantasies. Ideally, this should be a mutual process
where you each share with one another your sexual/physical needs. As you listen to
your partner, your job is twofold:
Effective communication is essential
for a satisfying sex life (and a healthy
~Continue to ask questions so that you gain a full
relationship). As the speaker, your
understanding and appreciation of your partner's needs; goal is to be clear about your needs
and what you need from your part-
ner; as the listener, your goal is to
~Respond and act in ways that demonstrate to your partner
communicate an understanding of
that you are making an effort to use this information. what your partner said, as well as
using this information to meet your
partner's needs (see The ABCs of
Effective Communication module).
When you behave differently in an
Passion Plan: effort to meet your partner's needs,

you also send the powerful message
of love and caring.
From the answers to the above questions, think of several
ways you can use the information about your spouse/partner's
needs, desires and fantasies to whet your partner’s sexual appetite (and, of course, s/he
should do the same for you).
And when you try something different/new, find out how your partner felt about it
(his/her physical reaction is one clue; but what s/he says about it is also important). If
you try something that flops, don't take it personally. It's more information you have
about what works and doesn't in the relationship. Remember, information and
knowledge are king!
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3. Variety is the spice of life: Try Something Different.
The exciting passion that is inherent to many new relationships usually becomes
sidelined by the familiar and routine as the relationship ages. This is natural. If the
sexual terrain of your relationship feels too predictable, try changing the routines that
have led to stagnation. You and your partner might find it exciting to periodically
replace the familiar with something new, such as changing the location where sex
typically occurs or educating yourselves about new sexual activities/positions (The
New Joy of Sex is an excellent book to help couples explore different sexual activities).
Research shows that when you engage in novel activities, the pleasure centers of your
brain become more active and lead to a range of positive feelings, greater focus and
increased motivation. In fact, new and exciting experiences cause your brain to release
the same neurotransmitters that were responsible for the heady euphoria you
experienced when you first fell in love! So when you and your partner create new and
varied experiences (sexually or otherwise), an orbit of positive feelings surround your
relationship. It's a simple fact: You strengthen your relationship when you and your
spouse/partner create and share opportunities that elicit positive feelings.
The Try Something Different Action Plan:
Again, this doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. The positive effects come from
creating a shared and novel experience together. This is why couples seem to fall in
love all over again when they go on vacation. The novelty of the experience creates a
sharing of positive feelings that reframes the way couples see each other—the old
power struggles and lingering issues seem less important when new, positive
experiences are created.
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Brainstorm a list of new activities you'd like to try with each other (each of you should
try to come up with 10 items):
Your List Your Partner's List
1. 1.
2. 2.
3. 3.
4. 4.
5. 5.
6. 6.
7. 7.
8. 8.
9. 9.
10. 10.
After completing your respective lists, you should swap lists. From your partner's list,
circle the items that you are open to trying with him/her (after circling your items,
prioritize each choice by writing a letter next to the item. Letter "A" would be your first
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choice, "B" your second, "C" your third, and so on).
This next step is very important: take your list back. Now it's your responsibility to
schedule the activity your partner circled, starting with her/his top priority. You can
rotate going back and forth from each other's lists (after you complete your partner's
"A" on your list, you move to completing your "A" on his/her list, and so on).
Depending on your preference and lifestyle, you may want to try something from each
other's list once a week, twice a month or monthly. Find a pace that works for the both
of you.
The most meaningful part to this exercise is following through on each other's lists.
Some couples fail at this point—they lack the follow-through needed to experiment
with these new experiences. Note any resistances that might arise and address them
right away. And really put effort into the follow-through. Sometimes just starting is
half the battle. Many couples I’ve worked with have said that once they actually began,
they found this exercise immensely enjoyable and rewarding, and wondered what they
were ever resisting!
4. Teasing and Anticipation: A perfect match.
Teasing becomes more intense when you create an atmosphere of anticipation—

anticipation and teasing work beautifully together. For instance, imagine sending your
partner steamy emails throughout the day reminding her/him of what’s going to
transpire later that night. Or how about leaving your partner a sensuous note or
voicemail? Remember that to be a really good teaser you need to create moments of
enticement.
One way to accomplish this is to become skilled in the art of giving just a little, followed
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by playful, temporary withholding. As the teaser, your message becomes, “I’ve got
what you want and I’m not going to let you have it—just yet.” (One caveat: Make sure
your partner doesn’t perceive you as rejecting her/him when you withhold. Reminders
of what will occur when you and your partner finally make love should do the trick.)
How Garret and Larissa Turned a "Ho-Hum" Sex Life into Passion
Overdrive:
Teasing can ramp up the level of passion in your marriage or relationship. Listen to
how Garret transformed his relationship from passionless to exciting:
"We were definitely in a sex slump. It felt like this part of our relationship just ran out
of gas and when we tried to have sex something was missing. I mean it was good, I
guess, but I think we were both hoping for more…I started worrying that I was letting
Larissa down somehow."
Garret then brought the art of teasing into the relationship.
"One night we started playing Truth or Dare with each other. I dared Larissa to write
down her wildest sexual fantasy and what she wants sexually…We never talked about
this before. Larissa kept writing and writing. I kept thinking, 'Wow, I can't wait to see
this!'"
"But she didn't show it to me right away. She'd tell me just a little and then she'd say,
'Oh, I don't want you to know about that one just yet.' She had this 'bad girl' look in her
eyes. It was a real turn-on."
Then Garret joined the teasing fun. "I started calling her at work and telling her how I
was going to make her fantasy come true later that night. Listening to her reaction
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really got me even more excited…"
This approach seemed to stir both Garret's and Larissa's sexual fires
Larissa described her reaction to Garret's teasing. "I thought

Garret was crazy calling me. Good thing he called on my cell
For some couples, making the deci-
sion to make love more often ulti- phone; if someone was listening in to our conversation at
mately leads to greater passion and work I would die! I have to admit, it was all really arousing.
feelings of closeness. For these cou-
He'd methodically tell me what he was going to do to me and
ples, a more passionate relationship
results from greater frequency of would then ask if I'd like that…I couldn't wait to get home. I'd
sex. have to put it out of my mind or else I wouldn't get anything
done at work! I think we're going to play Truth or Dare more
For others like Garret and Larissa,
increasing the frequency of love- often."
making wasn't enough to reignite the
flames of desire. The "more" that
was needed was attention to the psy-
chological aspects that feed passion
and sex. When you become skillful in 5. Pacing: Don’t Overdo It.
the art of teasing and anticipation,
you are utilizing the most powerful
aphrodisiac available—your imagi- A rule of thumb about teasing: Don’t overdo it. If you
nation. constantly tease your partner, the effectiveness of teasing can
be diminished. How often you use teasing, flirting and the
psychology of anticipation as a way to maintain the passion in
your relationship will depend on the particular rhythms that exist between you and
your partner.
You may need to experiment in order to find a pacing that works well for your
relationship. Don't forget, when you tease, use the information you gathered from
asking about your partner's desires and turn-ons.
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Teasing Lost and Found—A Real Life Example:
Often couples wrongly believe that they have “outgrown” certain erotic activities that
were once a part of their relationship. Jessica and Ronnie are one such couple.
In a recent coaching call, Jessica and Ronnie told me that they “used to do crazy
things” while dating. Seven years later they described having a “good” sex life but
hinted at a lack of excitement and passion. The good news is that they realized this
change was common for many couples, and didn't think their relationship was
somehow flawed. But they were stumped on how to re-ignite the flames of desire that
once existed between them.
As they continued, both recounted how they would drive each other into a sexual frenzy
during the first two years of their relationship. It turns out that their “crazy” sexual
behaviors involved a significant amount of teasing. When questioned about their
current lack of teasing, Jessica (referring to the first two years of their relationship)
said that she feels “too old to act that way again.” Before I had a chance to respond,
Ronnie challenged his wife’s statement and said that he would welcome a return of
some of their past sexual adventures.
In our next meeting Ronnie proudly shared how Jessica immediately took him up on
his offer! He stated, “She drove me absolutely crazy when we drove to the supermarket.
It was after our coaching call with you last week…” It turns out that Jessica hadn’t lost
her ability to tease. She seductively flirted and teased her husband, slowly describing
how she was going to make love to him later that evening. Several times she provoked
him while at the supermarket, whispering in his ear what she wanted to happen later
that day. Ronnie joked that he became so aroused that he wanted to make love as soon
as they got home.
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It’s all in the Attitude.
Jessica’s changed behavior resulted from a shift in her attitude. Once she altered her
perspective (from believing she was too old to act seductively with her husband to
giving herself permission to be seductive), she began to feel
Jessica's story highlights an impor-
and act erotically towards her husband. The resultant and
tant issue: couples need to remain
open to each other's attempts at nur- dramatic changes in Jessica’s behavior illustrate how passion
turing passion. Ronnie saw that his is first and foremost a mindset—a way of viewing yourself
wife was trying and even though he
and your partner. Try giving yourself permission to act
might not have been in a sexual
mood in that particular moment, he seductively with your partner even if you have trouble
accepted his wife's flirtatious invita- thinking of yourself as a sensual/passionate person. Be patient
tion and before long, he was in the
and kind with yourself as you venture out of your comfort
mood, too.
zone. You may be surprised to discover how effective teasing
When your partner takes the risk to can be in your relationship.
try something new, s/he is going out
on an emotional limb—the danger is
that s/he will face rejection and em- For Jessica, the biggest turn-on was her husband's reaction to
barrassment. This type of rejection her provocative behavior. As she described, "It was so obvious
can really set your relationship back,
he was getting aroused. That made me excited and his
so remember to be kind, respectful
and non-judgmental with each reaction made me feel OK about what I was doing…I started
other’s attempts to heighten physical feeling sexy and powerful. If he seemed disinterested, I guess I
intimacy.
would have felt rejected. To be honest, I would have felt like a
big idiot. But the good news is he loved it!"
Relationship Rule:
While it's necessary to give yourself permission to enter into the game of teasing with
your partner, it's just as important that you and your spouse/partner give each other
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permission to experiment with new ways to increase the passion of your relationship.
While an important opportunity may be lost if you reject your partner's efforts to
increase passion, you shouldn't have to give up your core values and dignity for the
sake of experimentation.
Look for Teasable Moments.
When Jessica gave herself permission to become more playful and tease her husband,
she observed something interesting. She reported that her changed attitude led her to
discover that there were many “teasable moments” that existed in their life—situations
that she would have overlooked in the past now became opportunities for her and her
husband to sexually entice each other.
Teasable moments exist at every corner of your relationship—couples in new

relationships take advantage of this fact. Remember, it's all about perspective—
shopping for groceries can be totally mundane or an opportunity for teasing and
eroticism. If you find yourself waiting for the right moment to tease your partner,
chances are you’re missing opportunities that presently exist.
Teasable-moments action plan:
Think back to when you and your spouse/partner first started dating (or any time in
the relationship when the passion fires burned brighter). List one or two atypical
circumstances where you provoked each other sexually—i.e. other than places like the
bedroom where it's expected.
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How did you think, act and feel in these moments?
Thoughts (e.g., I have to have him right now):
Actions/Behaviors (e.g., discreetly caressing his thigh):
Feelings/Emotions (e.g., sexually aroused, flustered, excited):
Describe in detail what in particular you found arousing (something you did;
something your partner did; something about the location/circumstances):
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Put on your creativity/brainstorming hat and list the different ways in which you (and
your partner) can bring these earlier experiences back to life in your relationship:
While responding to the above question, note any resistant thoughts or feelings that
arise. It's important that you track these experiences and become mindful of how they
block your attempts to create teasable moments in your marriage or relationship.
Here are some common reactions that can stand in the way:
I'm too old;
I don't feel sexy, so why try;
My husband/wife/partner won't be open to this;
It won't make any difference because things are hopeless between us;
I'm no good at stuff like this;
We're past our prime;
It's wrong to act like that;
If s/he doesn't try harder, I'm not going to;
This is silly;
Passion is overrated anyway;
I don't like the way I look/I don't like my body;
My spouse/partner will only reject me…
Such thoughts and beliefs have a powerful impact on your behavior. In particular, note
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how each thought denies permission—such thoughts are like an overly-harsh school
teacher pointing her/his finger at you and proclaiming, "How dare you try to do
something fun and exciting and playful for yourself and your partner. Mind your
manners!"
I've worked with couples in their seventies and eighties who know how to keep the fires
of passion alive and burning in their relationship; and I've worked with couples in their
twenties and thirties who feel passionless. In each case, it was the couple's attitudes
and beliefs about sex that made the difference between passion or the lack thereof. And
in each case, the passionate couples gave each other permission to be sexual and
playful, and deliberately created an atmosphere that welcomed new experiences; the
passionless couples were more judgmental of one another (the partners were more self-
critical, as well as more critical of each other).
Relationship Rule:
Passion (and everything that goes into building a passionate marriage/relationship)

cannot survive within the oppressive walls of criticism.
Thoughts and beliefs (and the feelings arising from your beliefs) are often a significant
barrier to creating a more passionate, sensual connection within your marriage/
relationship. These thoughts and feelings may stem from anti-passion scripts that still
guide your experiences. If you're experiencing significant resistance to working toward
your passion goals, revisit chapter two and focus your energies on practicing the new
pro-intimacy, pro-sex scripts you created. While practicing your scripts, try to think
and feel what it would be like if your new pro-passion scripts were 100% true.
Remember, it's natural that this might not feel authentic at this moment. Research
shows that it can take at least thirty days to practice something new before you are able
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to successfully integrate the new behavior into your life (that's

thirty days straight of practicing, without missing days). If you Throughout this section we've fo-
find yourself becoming impatient and frustrated, envision the cused on accessing elements of your
past sexual self—particularly atti-
final outcome of your efforts: A more passionate and intimate
tudes towards sex, eroticism and
relationship. When this goal is reached, your new scripts will flirting. It's important to note, how-
begin to feel very genuine and real to you! ever, that a satisfying sex life for you
today may look very different from
the past. People evolve, their tastes
and preferences change, and what
you've enjoyed years ago may hold
no allure for you today. As you go
through these exercises, an impor-
tant question to ponder is, "What do
I need today to make me feel sexual
and sensuous?"
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Chapter 5
A Match NOT Made in Heaven: Stress and Passion
Many of the couples I work with talk about the corrosive influence of stress on their
relationship. Since each person experiences stress differently (and what may be
stressful for one person may be energizing for another), it's important to define what
stress is.
Stress is any event or experience that removes you from your emotional center—that
place where you feel emotionally grounded, resilient, and at your best.
While stress impacts people in different ways, couples usually report that intimacy and
passion is profoundly compromised when stress reaches a certain level. And this makes
sense for several reasons:
When under stress, your body readies itself for danger. No matter what the stress is
that you're facing (finances, job security, dealing with difficult in-laws), your body
doesn't distinguish modern day stresses from the physical dangers of yesteryear. So
when you're under stress, your body undergoes physical reactions to prepare for
danger. When faced with stress, you undergo a stress-response (your body releases
stress hormones) that prepares your body to either fight off the danger or flee the
threat or freeze (remain immobile to avoid drawing attention to yourself) until the
danger passes.
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How can you feel sexy and passionate when your body is getting ready for such a
dramatic, automatic response?
Your priorities dramatically shift

when you're under stress—and sex
This poses a significant problem because so many couples live isn't a top priority in the fight, flight
hectic, stressful lifestyles (two jobs, running the kids around, and freeze reaction. This is one of
the reasons that passion and physi-
taking care of elderly parents, worrying about finances and job
cal intimacy is lost in relationships
security, conflicting priorities). While there are many ways to as more and more couples feel be-
reduce stress, it's unlikely that stress will become nonexistent sieged by the stresses of everyday
life.
in your lifetime. This makes dealing with stress a priority for
you and your spouse/partner if keeping passion alive is a
priority for you both.
Let's turn our attention to ways you can manage stress and sow the seeds of passion.
Remember, the steps you take today that will allow you to get a better grip on stress
will lead to a more passionate relationship tomorrow.
Individuals and couples who feel "stressed out" all have the following in common:
They lack presence and focus
What does this mean?
Stress (or the way you deal with stress) causes you to worry and feel overwhelmed.
Whenever your mind enters this altered state of worry, it is focusing on something
other than your spouse/partner. Passion, intimacy and emotional connection require
that you bring all of your emotional resources into your marriage/relationship. For this
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reason, it's vital that you begin exercising your mind in ways that counter the effects of
stress. Let's turn our attention to the power of reshaping your mind to deal with stress
and increase passion.
1. The Power of Focus
Have you ever noticed how new couples (no matter what their age) seem to exist in an
orbit all their own? A parent I worked with long ago, frustrated with her nineteen-year-
old son, exclaimed, “He and his girlfriend lie on the couch for hours, doing nothing!
They stare at each other and hardly speak. I call them for dinner and nothing—no
response. The house could be on fire and they wouldn’t notice. I don’t think they’ve
gone to the bathroom in two days…”
Talk about a Zen-like focus!
I mention the young lovers because new relationships (with all their intensity and
naiveté) hold the key for anyone wanting to increase the passion in their relationship.
Many of the couples I’ve worked with who have been together for quite some time
complain about feeling over-burdened by obligations and competing commitments that
have squeezed the life and passion out of their relationship. Raising a family,
maintaining a home, worries over finances and the pressures of holding down a job
take a powerful toll on any relationship.
But here's the interesting point: Most of the couples I've worked with who have little
time and energy for each other now recalled having stressful, busy lives when they
first started dating. The pressures of college or graduate school, finding the right job,
and having limited financial resources are a few scenarios they remembered—yet
almost all of these couples described intensity and passion early on, despite being busy
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and having numerous priorities outside of their relationship.
Even couples who had to deal with the time-consuming complexities and stress of
blending families from previous relationships reported that they found ways to create
steamy moments with their new lover. For some mysterious reason the challenges of
life didn’t hold these individuals back when their love was
new—they had the motivation and found the time (even if it Lindy swore that she didn't have the
time or energy needed to rekindle
was limited) to bump up the passion.
passion in her marriage. Five years
ago this was a major issue in her
Relationship Rule: While limited time and competing marriage because she and her hus-
band Jim had little money and both
priorities are a reality for many couples, these realities do
had to work extensive hours to make
not have to stand in the way of creating and nurturing ends meet. Slowly their business
passion and sensuality. took off and they now have the fi-
nancial security they hoped for and
are able to work less. But passion
still eludes Lindy and Jim. Now they
complain about the new commit-
ments that stand in the way of giving
It's up to you to make passion and intimacy a top priority.
their marriage the attention it needs.
There are no signs to suggest that our fast-paced, hectic And it's very likely that in the future
lifestyles are going to change anytime soon. Priorities will there will be other, new priorities
that are allowed to stand in the way
mount and give way to new, seemingly important priorities—a
of intimacy. When one stressful pri-
treadmill of ongoing priorities that will continue to pull you ority is resolved, a handful of new
(and your partner) away from the relationship. commitments and priorities are
waiting in the wings, ready to pull
you away from your relationship.
Will you make your relationship one of these priorities?
It is nearly impossible to feel passionate and sexual with your partner while your mind
is pulled in different directions. Anxiety and stress blot out passion. And while you may
never be able to recapture the intense focus that existed in the beginning of your
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relationship, don’t worry—that superhuman level of concentration isn’t necessary for

passion to survive and thrive in your relationship.
If you want to increase the sexual spark in your relationship, you will need to learn
ways to reduce your mind-clutter and block out life’s constant intrusions—at least
temporarily. You did it at the beginning of your relationship, so you can do it now!
To keep passion alive, you must learn to focus.
Increasing your sexual appetite through the Power of Focus
Quieting your mind is a basic requirement to becoming more focused. While this might
seem obvious to some, it's much easier said than done. If you’re anything like most
people, your mind is in some past or future time-zone, reflecting on what has already
happened or anticipating life’s next surprise. The antidote to this mental time-travel is
awareness. Awareness of:
a. All the ways in which you are not present for your partner.
b. Awareness of the negative impact that distraction is having on your relationship.
When couples achieve greater awareness regarding their lack of presence, they are
often astonished by the amount of mind-clutter that exists and that gets in the way of
physical and emotional intimacy. Much of this clutter occurs automatically and takes
the form of thoughts, worries, and anticipation about things that rob you of the present
moment.
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Becoming more present will help you create opportunities in

Neuroscientists have theorized that
which to plant the seeds of passion.
the rapid information kaleidoscope
of the Internet is altering people's
The following exercises will help you recapture the brain circuitries in a way that will
ultimately make sustained attention
focus needed to ignite passion and intimacy:
and concentration more difficult.
People are being primed to focus for
Focused Rehearsal brief periods of time before moving
onto something different. This will
certainly create problems for cou-
Each day create a pocket of time (at least ten minutes) to ples—since sustained concentration
deliberately think about your partner when you’re not with is essential for effective listening and
a healthy relationship. If you spend a
him/her. (Remember how you automatically did this at the
significant amount of time online,
beginning of your relationship?) Schedule this time in your monitor your ability to pay attention
daily calendar and take this mental appointment very in other areas of your life, particu-
larly your relationship. Notice if
seriously.
you've been having difficulty listen-
ing to your partner/spouse. Also
You should feel calm and centered while practicing this take note of the feedback you’ve
been receiving about not being able
exercise. Some people listen to soft music to help them enter a
to stay present and listen.
relaxed mental state, while others focus on the rhythmic
nature of their breaths. Once calm, picture your partner, using
as much visual detail as possible. You might focus on the color of his/her hair, or any
particular physical feature that can help you become absorbed in your focus on him/
her. Remember to focus on the things you like and enjoy about him/her (for added
benefit, focus on all the ways in which you are grateful for your spouse/partner). When
your mind drifts to competing obligations, let go of these momentary distractions and
refocus your efforts. Practicing this daily is a powerful way to control the drift of your
mind.
You can also practice this exercise by focusing on something external, like a picture,
artwork, something in nature, even a spot on the wall. Again, try this for ten to fifteen
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minutes a day as a way to work out your attention-focus muscle.

Jerry's Focused Rehearsal:
Jerry used a two-step approach to develop his ability to focus on his partner and block
out the clamor of daily life: Already motivated to try meditating each day, he used a
Meditation For Beginners DVD to help get started. He commented on how focusing his
attention on his breath for fifteen minutes each day allowed him to sharpen his focus
and attention. After a few months of practice, he noticed that he was becoming less
distracted by his daily mind-clutter and worries.
In the second step Jerry added visualization to his meditation practice. Because his
wife commented several times that Jerry seemed to have more difficulty listening and
being present (something he acknowledges himself), Jerry pictured himself listening
intently during conversations with his wife.
In particular, Jerry focused on:
~"clearly picturing myself making eye contact with Anne Marie"

~"expressing interest and concern" (nodding, touching her arm)
~"asking questions to show I'm present and engaged with her"
~"and most of all, feeling calm and centered as I listen to her."
This visualization allowed Jerry to picture the type of listener he wanted to be and he
began bringing this into their real-life interactions. He now had a clear blueprint on
how to feel more centered and be more attentive, traits which were starting to elude
Jerry as he was swept up in the business of work and home-life. As Jerry noted, this
allowed him and his wife to feel emotionally connected (a prerequisite for passion).
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Your Action Plan Commitment:
Write down how many days (and specifically which days) you are willing to commit to
your mental focus workout (don't be time-stingy):
How can you increase your accountability for carrying out this exercise each day? (e.g.,
writing it into your schedule, letting a friend or your partner know how often you plan
to practice and reporting your progress to her/him)
As you do the focused imagery work of this exercise, describe any reactions that you
have (positive and/or negative):
In particular, be aware of any difficulty you have focusing on the desired target (the
image you'd like to focus on). Describe any internal resistance to following through on
this task:
If you've identified any resistance (e.g. intrusive thoughts about something else; feeling
hopeless or that your focus workout will not lead to meaningful changes, etc.), it's
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important that you prevent any interference from standing in the way of your follow-
through. Unchecked resistance and interference will keep you stuck and ultimately, it
will keep your marriage/relationship stuck as well.
There are several ways to work with interference. Meditative practitioners work toward
allowing any thoughts or reactions that arise to pass through their minds like a gentle
breeze. So each time your mind drifts away from your intended focus, simply guide
your attention back to its point of focus. Over time, you will become more adept at
allowing intrusive thoughts and feelings to gently pass through your mind as they arise,
without struggle or distraction.
Mind-clearing is another way to deal with resistance. This is discussed below.
(Remember: With patience and practice, it will become easier to successfully complete
this exercise).
2. Mind-clearing
There are going to be times when you are distracted because of an emotionally-charged
issue that pulls at you. Each time you think about your partner or attempt to spend
quality time alone with him/her, the gravitational pull of what is troubling you may
interfere with your desire for an intimate moment with your loved one. Emotions have
the power to do this. They have a salient quality to them that can feel like an incessant
tap on the shoulder. (Some mind-clearing exercises are described in sections that
follow.)
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If this emotionally-charged distraction continues to occur, you need to schedule five

minutes to journal about the troubling event that is currently grabbing your attention.
Five minutes—no more, no less.
Journaling can help you create emo-
tional distance from what is distress-
ing you. In addition to giving you
Write about all the things that are bothering you and any greater perspective, research shows
feelings that take you away from the present moment. Express that journaling can help you sort out
your feelings and organize your
yourself fully during this time and even attempt to exaggerate
thoughts. If you're concerned about
your reactions on paper. When your time is almost up, writing down such personal informa-
conclude by stating that you are no longer going to give this tion, you can rip up what you've
written—this can also act as a sym-
issue attention until another scheduled mind-clearing exercise
bolic “letting go” of the distressing
(you can schedule several a day, one each day, or spread them material.
out further, depending on your need). Be firm with yourself:
You can only think about this issue during the scheduled
time!
Repeat this process as necessary (for instance, in the morning and evening) to help you
achieve a reduction in the feelings that are troubling you.
3. Mind-organization
There is a simple reason why your kitchen has cabinets and your office has book
shelves and file cabinets: Organization. You know where to go to find what you need,
and at the same time you’ve got a clean work space when so many things are shelved or
filed. For those of you with a messy desk, you know first-hand the headache involved in
finding what you need. We frequently create unnecessary frustration and stress by our
lack of organization. So being disorganized (in addition to negatively impacting your
productivity) also comes with an emotional cost--a disorganized space can cause you to
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feel overwhelmed, stressed and less efficient.

Your mind works in a similar fashion. The work space of your mind needs to be clear
for the task of focusing on your partner. If your mental clutter is left unattended and
scattered on the desk of your consciousness, you will be preoccupied and emotionally
unavailable. As Malcolm recently told me, "My wife gets frustrated because I'm always
so overwhelmed. To be honest, half the time I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
I need to get my life under control or I'm going to wind up single again."
One way to help with mental organization is to set priorities—a mental check-list of
everything you'd like to or need to accomplish in a day. Now let's get this mental check
list onto paper:
Priority List:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
People who make priority lists are more focused and accomplish more. They also are
more mentally focused because they've taken all the mind-clutter and competing
priorities out of their heads and transferred them onto a priority list. If you're like most
people, you probably put off the things you find most unpleasant (e.g., paying bills,
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doing your taxes). Two issues need to be addressed on your list: what is most pressing
(has a deadline) and what is most important in helping you reach your goals. So your
top priorities should be the most urgent and most important.
Without a priority list, your mental clutter will continue to have a strong emotional pull
and distract you from being present with your spouse/partner—unfinished business
(whether it's unfinished emotional business or unfinished "to-do" activities) can exert a
mental energy because of its incomplete status—your psyche is continuously seeking to
reach a state of homeostasis and one way this is accomplished is by completing tasks.
Ignoring your priorities will only offer you a temporary hiatus and ultimately
exacerbate your mind clutter.
Once you’ve established your priority list, relegate each item to a particular time and
day that you’d like to give the item attention. Creating a time-based structure for your
mental clutter allows you to store the items away until their scheduled time. If you are
unable to complete an item in its scheduled time, re-schedule the remaining item to a
new time and day.
It’s very important to follow through on the schedule you create. Failure to follow
through will increase your self-doubt and your mental clutter will remain displaced,
leading you to remain perpetually preoccupied (and disconnected from your partner).
Remember, passion and intimacy will suffer if you are constantly preoccupied and not
present.
As people learn to let go of their mind-clutter, they often describe a physical shift as
well--their body begins to feel lighter and less-weighed down. But this physical shift
isn't always immediate and often unexamined physical reactions can continue to feed
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unwanted emotional and mental experiences. In other words, your body might be
preventing you from successfully completing the mental mind-clearing exercises.
Meet disorganized Doris:
Stress, worry and distractibility have

By her own admission, Doris is extremely disorganized. When
powerful physical components to you first meet her, you can't help but be swept up by her fiery
them. This is probably why going for
personality and passion for life—all this energy is exuded in
regular massages has become so
popular. In many ways, your body
her relationships. Sadly, she acknowledges that her passion
keeps an ongoing tally of the pres- for life has been dulled by the negative impact her
sures of your day and life. When you
disorganized life is having at work. On her last evaluation,
attempt to free your mind of distrac-
tions and stress, your body may still
Doris received several unsatisfactory scores that were clearly
be holding the residues of stress. associated with her lack of organization and she added that
This is why it's important to also
this has always been a bone of contention for her husband
focus your attention on the impact
that stress has on your body, as well
Vince. "I didn't realize how much it impacted him…I guess it's
as your mind. pretty obvious that I'm always distracted and thinking about
ten different things."
Vince's perspective: "Ever since Doris started her new job, she's gotten worse. She'd
lose her head if it weren't attached…It's made me feel like I don't matter as much
anymore. I realize she's under a great deal of stress, but aren't we all? I give her space
when she needs it. But all I want is to spend some time with Doris and feel that she
wants the same thing. I haven't felt that in a while…"
What Doris and Vince are describing occurs in many relationships—the intrusive,
corrosive impact of stress on intimacy. But it's not just stress: Doris adds an additional
level of stress to her own experiences—her inability to become more focused, which is
aggravated by her inability to become more organized. I've often heard this from the
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partners who are married to people with attention deficit disorder and how this
negatively impacts their marriage and relationships. But you don't have to have full-
blown attention deficit disorder to see the negative influence of a disorganized lifestyle.
Before moving forward, take a few moments to answer the following questions:
If you were a close friend to Doris, what recommendations/suggestions would you give
her? Describe your advice below:
What have you done in the past that has helped you become more organized and
present in your life? (If you have trouble recalling anything, think of someone you
might know who has been successful at managing stress—what have they done?)
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Describe in detail all the ways in which you live the advice you offered to Doris:
What allows you to be successful in this regard?
What blocks you from living this advice more fully?
What negative impact has the way you handle stress had on your relationship—in
particular, on passion and intimacy?
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Action Plan:
Commit to controlling/managing the stress in your life by becoming more organized.

Brainstorm ways that this can happen (e.g., setting daily priorities each morning to
help guide you throughout the day; keeping "to-do" lists where items get checked off
after they’re completed; delegating certain responsibilities that others can do for you;
breaking down large tasks into smaller chunks; writing down everything you need to
remember throughout the day…) and use at least one of these methods each day. Once
each week (or at another interval that makes sense to you), look back and assess how
effective you were at implementing your chosen method; this is a good time to decide
whether you need to change course or tweak your approach.
Remember, the goal is to help you focus and be more present in your relationship.
4. Learn to Compartmentalize.
It’s impossible to feel sexual after you’ve just put your sick child to bed and you still
smell of the meal he couldn’t keep down. The ability to compartmentalize involves the
creation of mental walls that can temporarily house or block out certain experiences.
You already do this. Just think of a time that you had a really bad day at work but you
refused to let the negative experience interfere with your evening plans. Or the time
when you had a great experience with friends, despite the intense argument you had
with your adolescent son hours earlier.
Compartmentalizing involves the ability to temporarily forget something that is

troubling you—to put it out of your mind. In order to do this, you need to first select
whatever it is that you’d like to forget. Barbara is really adept at compartmentalizing. I
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remember her saying, “I’m not going to let that bother me right now. I’m going to lock
it away in my mental safe until later. When I open the safe, I’ll deal with it then.”
Barbara wasn’t denying her problems. She realized the importance of attending to
whatever was troubling her, but she did this in a controlled way. Instead of lamenting
about what was bothering her all day, Barbara would deliberately focus her attention
elsewhere. As she described to me, this took some practice but she became quite good
at it. The good news is, if Barbara can learn to compartmentalize, so can you!
Are you ready for some healthy compartmentalization?
Three Steps to Compartmentalizing
Step 1: Clearly identify what you want to temporarily store away from your conscious
mind. This can be an external experience (your boss treated you unfairly at work),
thoughts (repetitive thoughts that you'd like to stop) or feelings (for instance, anger or
guilt), or it may be some or all of these. To gain clarity, write down all the features and
particulars of what you'd like to compartmentalize:
Step 2: The second step is to create a mental image of something that can store and
hold the experience you’d like to gain distance from.
Mentally place the troubling issues into a box (picture any box you'd like). You can
visualize yourself placing each troubling or distracting item into the box. It's essential
that you develop as clear a picture of yourself doing this as possible—take your time
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and rehearse this step as often as necessary until it feels like you are really placing
these items away.
For example, Barbara’s visualization is of a steel, walk-in safe. She pictured the safe
and personalized it by making it a certain color; she placed decals on the safe with her
favorite sayings and picked a location for the safe outside in the woods. The door to her
safe was airtight and extra locks were added so the safe wouldn't fail. Barbara practiced
picturing the safe for several days until the image became clearer and more familiar.
Once the items are in the box, visualize yourself taking twine and/or duct tape and
begin tightly wrapping the box. Put as much twine and tape as you'd like in order to
securely contain the thoughts and feelings in the box. Once you can picture the box
securely tied, store it somewhere far enough away that you don't have to see it. You can
always come back to add items whenever necessary.
Another option is to actually place the troubles you’ve written in a real box, or
container of some kind. For those of you who would gain an additional benefit from
witnessing this type of concrete closure, go right ahead and add a literal twist to the
exercise.
Describe what you will use to store your unwanted experience in. Add detail so it feels
like it’s all yours:
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Step 3: Once step two is complete, steer your attention away from that locked-away
experience and focus on something else. Here you decide to direct your attention away
from something and towards something more benign or desirable. (You may need to
practice this before you get the hang of it. Don’t give up—it’s worth it!)
Attention is like a muscle that needs to be exercised regularly. Left to its own devices,
your attention will automatically be pulled to whatever is troubling you (negative
feelings have a enormous pull on your attention), so you'll need to deliberately direct
your attention away from what is stressing you.
Finally, it's important to give yourself permission to feel what it's like to be free of these
distractions. It's important to really feel this. In particular, notice your body—a body
that is free from the burden of distraction.
Compartmentalization is an effective way to manage stress. This is a skill that will help
you cope more effectively with stress and ultimately be more available and passionate
in your relationship.
When to use compartmentalization?
Compartmentalization is helpful whenever you are trying to spend time with your
spouse/partner and you don't want to be distracted and burdened by something that
has been nagging at you. Remember, the goal of mental clearance is to give passion and
intimacy fertile soil in which to grow.
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5. Create a new reality. Unlike any other living presence on

earth, humans have the capacity to
create different realities through the
At any moment in time, you have a multitude of options about power of imagination and fantasy.
what you think about and focus your attention on. Your Your imagination is a tool that can
help feed your passions and your
perception of reality is a thin slice of the vastness of
relationship. Are you feeling a bit of
existence—it is a selective process. When you choose to focus cynicism as you read this? Let me
on a particular part of your world, in effect you have created offer some proof that might make
you more of a believer. Close you
that reality by your interpretations of what you've included
eyes for a moment and picture your
and what you've chosen to exclude from your experience. Most favorite place—nurture this image
of us are unaware of this fact because of the automatic quality until you can see and think about
nothing else. As your vision comes
of our interpretations and thoughts (our thoughts seem to just
into greater focus, now imagine your
happen or come to us) about external events. But once you spouse or partner with you, and fo-
gain an awareness of the automatic nature of your thinking, cus your attention on the radiating
love that binds you two together.
your view of reality starts to change—it is the first step to
Feel his/her presence and love. Stay
gaining control over your perceptions and thoughts—you with this loving energy as long as
become the active creator of your reality rather than a passive you like before coming back to your
present experience.
victim.
Let's use this information to help you become less stressed Isn't the time you briefly spent in
that imagined moment just as real as
and more focused on creating a pro-intimacy reality that can
other experiences you shared with
nurture passion and romance. your partner? After all, you experi-
enced the moment in a very real way,
even though your partner wasn’t
physically sitting beside you just
then.
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Let's get started:
The “Just the two of us” experiment
Next time you’re with your partner, use your power of imagination and pretend that
nothing and no one else exists when you’re with him/her—work, money, kids, in-laws,
household chores, troubled friends, lingering resentments, illnesses, etc., are all placed
outside your field of awareness. You aren't denying these other realities; rather, you are
taking a respite from them as you focus on a different reality for a period of time—the
love that binds you and your spouse/partner.
You may need to practice this before becoming proficient in it--repetition will be
essential in learning this skill. You might find this is more effective if you both engage
in this activity together.
Prior to spending time with your partner, prime your mind by saying, “No one and
nothing else exists. I’m with the person I want to be with and in this moment all I want
to do is focus all my energy on him/her. Everything I need is right in front of me.”
Close your eyes and repeat this new mantra:
"Everything I need is right in front of me"; "Everything I need is right in front of me";
"Everything I need is right in front of me."
Make this your mantra and repeat it often, whenever you're trying to create intimate
moments with your spouse/partner. Let the other realities you typically focus on wait
("I hate work"; "We need milk"; "I have to take the car in for an oil change"; "The house
needs painting")—after all, obsessing on them isn't going to change anything except
stress you out further.
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When you begin to believe and really feel the power of this statement ("everything I
need is right in front of me"), a sense of calm will permeate
Relationship Rule: Intimate mo-
your reality. After all, isn't it comforting to know that
ments require you to be present.
everything you might need is sitting across from you in that When you work toward feeling that
particular moment? everything you need is right in front
of you, you create a centered, emo-
tional and spiritual platform that
will allow you to reach out to your
If you have trouble with this exercise, you may find it helpful partner and accept all s/he has to
offer you. Even if you and your part-
to focus on a particular feature of your partner, like hair or eye
ner sit silently in this new space
color, or the sound of his/her voice, or the energy s/he you've created, you will be creating a
radiates. Mentally highlight something that you haven’t given powerful moment of quiet intimacy.
attention to in a while, describing it to yourself in as much

detail as possible. In this moment of alone-time, try to see
your partner in a new way—this can help you stay present-focused. Don’t worry if you
have trouble at first. Practice and repetition and persistence are the key to making this
experience a reality for you both.
Michelle and Bernie (and the “just the two of us” experiment)
Here's what Michelle had to say about the exercise:
"Our first challenge was finding the time to do this exercise. We agreed to do this twice
a week for one month after the twins went to bed. Bernie was reluctant at first, but he
agreed to give it fifteen minutes each time. We both told ourselves that everything we
needed was right here, right in this moment, and the more we said that, the more I
became overwhelmed with emotion. I guess it just made me feel so grateful for Bernie
and our life together."
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Here's what Bernie had to say:
"It was more difficult for me than Michelle. Maybe I'm more skeptical, at least initially.
And maybe I don’t have as much patience. (I have trouble sitting still sometimes,
actually.) But I could see it was important to her, so I gave it my all. I agree with
Michelle--surprisingly it ended up being an exercise in gratitude for the both of us. It
really made me feel connected—and the great thing is I didn't have to talk about my
feelings!” He laughed. “Oh, one other thing: I focused a lot on Michelle's eyes. She has
piercing blue eyes and after I started really focusing on them, it's like I fell in love with
Michelle's eyes all over again…"
The above information and exercises are geared toward helping you learn to control the
distractions in your life. Being fully present with your partner is a prerequisite for
passion to flourish in your relationship.
We just covered a significant amount of material about how to stay present and fight
against the deleterious effects of stress on intimacy and passion. Revisit these exercises
as often as needed. You may find that some of the exercises work better for you and
your partner. Experiment to find the best fit, and then regularly use what works for
you—make it your own. Remember, great relationships don’t just spontaneously
“happen”—they take effort and attention.
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Sensuality 101: Fine-tune your senses
Heighten Your Senses
Have you ever eaten something so fast that you hardly taste it? Compare this to when
you’re enjoying a meal—savoring the visual presentation and textures of the food, the
aroma and each mouthful. When different senses are involved (and when you take the
time to attend to each of those senses), you elevate your experience.
By heightening your sensory awareness (your sensory astuteness), you allow yourself to
become mindful of all sensory experiences that surround you. For instance, as you read
this, you’re probably focused on the words on the page. But when you take a moment to
expand your perception of your environment, all of a sudden you’ll become aware of
sounds and smells and sensations. Perhaps your back feels tight in the chair; maybe the
heating vent is pushing hot air into the room; perhaps you smell dinner cooking or
your neighbor’s mowed lawn. Within a flash of a moment, your sensory awareness has
been awakened.
Sensory blunting versus sensory astuteness
Let's start with the obvious: you exist in a body that is designed to interact with your
environment. And your five senses are the pathways to this interactive world. As I type
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these words, I'm aware of the visual shapes of the letters as they appear, my coffee cup
in my periphery, the sensations of the computer keys under my fingers and the soft
music that's being piped through my headset.
Now it's your turn to awaken your senses. Take a moment to tune into your sensory
experiences and notice what enters your awareness at this very moment and list them
below:
Visually:
Smell/Olfactoral:
Touch/Kinesthetic:
Hearing/auditory:
Taste:
You might have noticed that as you focused on each of your sensory experiences, you
became aware of information that you didn't realize existed moments ago.
Let's call this heightened experience sensory astuteness—being attuned and open to
your different sensory experiences.
Why is this so important for your relationship? And to passion and sensuality?
At any moment in time, you are inundated with a multitude of sensory information/
experiences, many of which never enter into your conscious mind. This is because you
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have a mental filter that lets certain experiences in, while excluding others—this is
actually a good thing for your sanity. Your mental filter helps you manage the
thousands and even millions of external stimuli that are competing to get your
attention—all knocking at your sensory door seeking entry.
A mental filter is like a teacher in a classroom: The teacher creates filters by setting up
class rules (no shouting out, raise your hand and waiting to be called on before
speaking) that prevents class chaos. Without the teacher-filter, all the students could
talk whenever they felt like it and shout out answers as they compete to be heard. This
cross-talk would be hard to understand and end up as garbled,
undecipherable sounds. Little would get accomplished in Sensory-blunting occurs when you
become disconnected from your
such an environment.
body and your experiences in an
effort to regulate sensory overload.
Likewise, without a mental filter, you'd be flooded and This protective reaction is becoming
quite common. Some people de-
overwhelmed by all the external sensations competing for
scribe this as "feeling numb" or shut-
your attention. ting down emotionally, while others
feel like they've lost their emotional
center, as if they're walking around
One problem is that our mental filters were not designed for
in a dream state.
today's fast-paced and over-stimulating world. When you
begin to feel increased stress, your filter may become over-
taxed and begin shutting out large chunks of your experience, including potentially
positive experiences. When stressed, your filter doesn't discriminate that effectively. In
essence, your mental filter is attempting to over-compensate by relying on a type of
sensory-blunting in order to manage life.
Sensory-blunting has enormous implications for your relationship, in particular the

level of intimacy, sensuality and passion that you and your partner can achieve. The
danger is that at a certain point in your life, sensory-blunting becomes automatic and
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your mental and sensory filters cannot discriminate between welcome and unwelcome
experiences. As your sensory-blunting becomes more and more pronounced (which it
must do to keep up with all the sensory experiences and information-overload people
face today), your body's sensory system casts an ever-widening net and begins filtering
out experiences that could ultimately enhance intimacy and passion. The energy and
spark that fuels passion is thereby dulled.
This usually occurs when couples become numb to each other; touch becomes
nonexistent and if they do touch one another, the physical sensations hardly register;
sensory-blunting can even cause couples to have a glazed-over look in their eyes when
communicating. It isn't that these couples no longer feel love for one another; in fact,
many are very much in love and committed to their marriage/relationship. What is at
work in many of these cases is the result of sensory blunting: stress and emotional
overload are wearing down each person and therefore, ultimately, the relationship.
This can be misinterpreted by the couple as a lack of love and, if left unchecked,
couples may seek out ways to rejuvenate themselves outside of the relationship—the
excitement and euphoria of meeting someone new quickly undoes sensory-bunting and
many misinterpret this as an indication that you should be with someone other than
your spouse/partner—someone that makes you feel alive again.
The antidote to sensory-blunting: Savoring your new reality
Once you create opportunities to focus more intently on your partner (e.g., scheduling
alone time with absolutely no distractions, or potential distractions), the next step is to
fine-tune your awareness of your sensory experiences. Let’s use the analogy of looking
at something under a microscope (remember high school science lab?):
You first place the slide you want to view under the lens (the focus stage). Next you will
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need to adjust the lens to capture all the potential details that exist in what you're
observing (the awareness stage).
The same steps are needed to rekindle the passion and sensuality in your relationship:
First, you’ve reduced all the external distractions and mind clutter that has been
weakening the connection with your partner (practice the above mind-clearing skills).
Find a place to be alone with your partner, go to a quiet room, a room devoid of all
distractions; once in the room you are now faced with many options—so you will need
to adjust your internal microscope and begin focusing on some aspect of your partner.
Awareness of your focus options is an important first step because you can end up
stuck in the non-focus stage, which will leave your mental and sensory filters
overwhelmed. So you must narrow your focus.
So when you are trying to increase passion and sensuality, the first step is to narrow
your focus—maybe this is noticing your partner's scent, or focusing on her/his skin, or
hands, or eyes, or hair, or smile (you get the point).
Another way to overcome sensory-blunting is to slow your experiences down. A major

problem for couples is that they are used to a certain fast pace that is very difficult to
shut off—and passion and sensuality require a much slower, deliberate pace. With this
in mind, it will be important that you attempt to notice your partner in new ways by
slowing down each experience that unfolds. Remember that your mind needs to be
clear for this to occur.
The primary goal in the awareness stage is to begin savoring your experience of your
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partner—using as many of your sensory experiences as possible. This is an active

process since you will need to deliberately direct your mind’s eye to the different
features of your partner. For instance, notice how her hair looks, feels and smells—
actively enliven these three different senses to accomplish this.
It may take some time and practice

to undo the impact of sensory-
If you have trouble focusing, see if you’re naturally drawn to
blunting. Some couples report that
when they first attempt this exercise, some particular feature of your partner. Don’t rush this. Stay
it feels as though they are going with one sensory experience for as long as you need to fully
through the motions without the
appreciate what you’re focusing on.
benefit of a heightened sensory ex-
perience. This is perfectly normal
and shouldn't deter you from contin-
ued practice—the removal of sen-
The sensual touch exercise:
sory-blunting within your relation-
ship can be a slow process, but it is
totally doable and well worth the The following exercise builds on the experience of savoring.
effort.
Find a quiet, comfortable place where you both can give each
other undisturbed attention.
This touch can be nonsexual or sexual, depending upon your and your partner's goals.
In either case, the objective is to heighten your awareness of the power and sensuality
of touch. Touch often falls off the relationship radar along with passion as the
relationship matures and the importance of touch as a path toward fostering
connection cannot be overstated. This doesn't mean you have to become overly
"touchy," but it does mean making a commitment to two things:
Increasing touch and becoming more mindful of the sensations and experience of
touch.
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Remember for a moment the way you felt when first dating your partner. Try to think
back to one of those very first touches. Maybe s/he innocently grazed your forearm
(and you felt an almost electrical charge!). What about when you first held hands, or
when holding hands was a novelty? Didn’t it feel wonderful and so rewarding? Couples
often report that touch was an important part of their relationship early on and that
each moment of touch led to a heightened sensory experience. Simply holding hands
felt like a magical moment. Of course, it is natural for this level of sensory intensity to
wane over the years. But many couples end up on the opposite end of the touch
spectrum, having no awareness of what touch feels like when it does occur. This can be
due to habituation (simply getting used to something that happens often and taking it
for granted after a while) and/or sensory-blunting (your senses partially shutting down
in order to regulate and funnel overwhelming streams of outside stimulation). The
sensory touch exercises will help you reverse these trends.
Sit across from your partner and simply touch him/her (you may want to ask if it's OK
to touch a particular part of her/his body). Do this slowly and notice the sensations on
your hand (or whatever part of your body you're using), in particular the pressure and
warmth radiating as your bodies join. Simply focus on these sensations (and any others
that are radiating from the touch)—keep your mind open to what is happening right in
this moment. You and your partner may choose to speak or remain silent; whichever
helps you both keep the experience alive. Your goal is to notice and savor.
After some time, you may notice the sensations diminishing. You can adjust the touch
slightly (move a few inches in a different direction; touch with another body part) and
stop when you feel new sensations arise. Then simply notice and savor. After several
minutes, you can switch roles with your partner (s/he now touches you).
The goal for the person being touched is the same for the person doing the touching:
notice and savor. When finished, you can share your experiences with one another.
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This exercise helps you retrain your mental filter to let the sensations that accompany
physical contact back into your field of consciousness. As you
In addition to this exercise, you and attempt this touch-awareness experiment, redirect your focus
your partner can make a touch- on the physical sensations every time you mentally drift
commitment: agreeing to touch
toward something other than the sensations. At first, this may
more often (e.g., several times a day,
several times a week, etc.). As the feel like a mental tug-of-war as your awareness bounces back
frequency of touch increases, make and forth from whatever is bouncing around in your mind.
an effort to focus your attention on
This is to be expected. You and your partner can check in with
the physical sensations when you are
touching and being touched. Savor each other and give gentle reminders of the importance of
the sensations: the pressure, your shared journey toward heightened awareness.
warmth, tingly sensations, etc. and
how it makes you feel. Whether you
and your partner touch one another
often or not, it is the awareness of The power of heightened awareness
this touch that is so vitally impor-
tant.
The more you focus your mind, the better you'll become at it.
And over time you may notice a powerful shift in your sensory
experiences in general: As you strengthen your awareness to include all the sensory
experiences that accompany passion and sensuality, a sensory harmony will occur.
Your heightened awareness fosters a harmony among all your sensory experiences—
moments are created, for instance, in which the visual, olfactory (smell) and tactile
(touch) become indistinguishable. During these intense moments of sensory-flow, only
you and your partner will truly exist in that moment. Couples describe this experience
as a deepened form of intimacy that temporarily bridges any form of separateness that
exists between them. This is truly is a transformative type of intimacy that takes time
and patience to achieve. The more you practice, the more you'll get to this deepened
connection.
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The selfless lover exercise
Reflect on the following question for a moment:
Are you a selfish lover or a selfless lover?

If you doubt that you can achieve
this level of awareness, remember
that your relationship is a continu-
A selfish lover makes his/her sexual needs a priority. A selfless ous journey that involves intermit-
lover places his/her partner's needs first. While we'd all like to tent periods of closeness and dis-
tance. There is no end point of suc-
think of ourselves as selfless lovers, the reality is that most of
cess that will be reached, no sense of
us go back and forth on a continuum of selfishness and "We've achieved everything we
selflessness (we’re human, after all!). Problems usually arise wanted, we're finally done"—but
rather a shared, ongoing journey
when one person stays at the selfish end of the continuum for
with ups and downs that hopefully
extended periods of time. will bring periods of passion and
intimacy that are meaningful to you
and your partner.
In an informal survey I conducted with the couples I work
with, almost half felt that their partners were frequently
selfish lovers. This came as a total shock to those being
described as selfish. From these findings came the selfless lover exercise.
The rules of this exercise are simple: you and your partner will
Remember that with any kind of new
take turns being a selfish and selfless lover. In the role of the experience, feedback about what is
selfless lover, your goal is to meet your partner's needs—to and isn't working should be a top
priority. Mutual respect should also
give him/her what s/he wants. Your chief concern is to give
be a top priority at all times. If your
your partner pleasure and make her/him feel taken care of partner asks something of you that
sensually and sexually. So the person in the selfish role must you do not feel comfortable with,
your discomfort should not be ig-
communicate his/her needs, wants and desires to the selfless
nored or minimized!
lover. And the selfless lover must ask questions if something
doesn't feel clear.
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Then the next time you and your spouse/partner make love, the roles are reversed.
Another variation of this exercise is to switch roles in the same evening (e.g., for a
particular amount of time, you take one role and your partner takes the other, then you
reverse roles at some designated point).
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An in-depth look at experimentation
People in new relationships naturally explore and experiment with each other—the
journey that leads to familiarity is exciting and heightens passion and a sense of
adventure. New couples spend time discovering each other’s likes and dislikes, what
works and doesn’t. (And taking time for those discoveries doesn’t feel like a chore.)
Novelty and experimentation gives people a dopamine boost that leads to positive
feelings, elevated motivation and increased intimacy, sensuality and passion.
At some point in the progression of relationships, a plateau is reached—the mutual-

exploration learning curve hits a roadblock and all experimentation grinds to a
screeching halt. While this pattern is common, the danger is that familiarity (a
necessary and important part of any long-term union) will lead to passion-draining
relationship ruts.
After a certain amount of time together, you probably think, “I know exactly what my
partner likes, and I’m going to repeat what I’ve learned, over and over again because I
want her/him to be happy." There’s absolutely nothing wrong with repetition. In fact,
trust and safety are built upon the foundations of repetition and predictability. That's
why you and your partner may find certain routines comforting; however, if
predictability has been siphoning away the passion and life that once existed in your
relationship, then you can invite passion back into your relationship by experimenting
with your partner. Let's turn our attention to what goes into healthy experimentation.
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The 7 Steps of effective Sexual Experimentation:
1. Keep it Consensual.
You don’t want to take your partner out of his/her comfort zone to such a degree that
s/he becomes fearful and anxious. The goal is to create excitement (not fear) and for
this to occur you both need to build on the trust you’ve established – trust is an avenue
for exploration--not violation.
2. Make it Playful.
A playful attitude can help create a healthy perspective in which life is approached
(temporarily) in a lighthearted, comical manner. Life can be unnecessarily painful if
you take yourself too seriously. While there is definitely a time and a place for a
business-like approach to life's problems, now isn’t the time or place for that level of
weightiness. I’m assuming you do not want to create a tense, uneasy atmosphere that
can backfire on your passion plans. If you and your partner can embrace the playful-
experimental-mindset regarding passion, sensuality and sexual exploration, then you
will increase the likelihood that experimentation will continue to be a part of your
relationship’s future.
Action step:
To help you incorporate this approach and make it a natural part of your relationship,
complete the following sentences (write whatever comes to mind without censoring
your responses):
When I hear the word "playful," I think and feel______________________
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If I become playful, I'll_______________________________________
The last time I felt playful, I____________________________________
Adults who act playful are_____________________________________
If I act playful, my spouse/partner will_____________________________
Note in your answers any pro-playful attitudes and any resistance to adopting a playful
mindset. And then answer the following:
What are the costs and benefits of this pro-playful mindset?
What do I need (from myself and my partner) to give up any resistance I feel?
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What steps can I begin taking to move closer to a pro-playful mindset?
3. Keep it Simple.
Don’t reinvent the wheel and don't act like a know-it-all (neither of you should take on
the role of expert while experimenting—think of yourselves as two explorers needing to
rely on one another). Small changes can make a big difference in re-establishing the
spark in your relationship. Plan to incorporate a new and small change into the
relationship. This might involve wearing a different item of clothing, teasing, speaking
differently, varying the way you typically touch your partner, or changing the time or
location of your love-making. As one of my former clients once stated with a smirk on
his face, “I’ll never be able to look at our kitchen table the same way.”
Action step:
List three small changes you'd like to attempt with your partner:
Change # 1:
Change #2:
Change # 3:
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4. Everyone passes!
Think of experimentation as a process of discovery, not a performance-based test.

Establish the rule that no one is wrong while making sure that you do not pressure
yourself or your partner. If you attempt something new that’s a big turn-on for both of
you, great—keep at it. If something fizzles, appreciate that you’ve learned something
new and important about each other’s tastes and preferences, and move on.
Action step:
Brainstorm with your partner about ways you can keep judgment in check while
nurturing a mindset of mutual discovery. For instance, when you’re experimenting in
the bedroom, what types of comments should you avoid making? (Remember that even
if you don’t intend your statement to be critical, certain comments made in sensitive
moments can be perceived as judgmental by your partner.)
5. Communicate openly.
Some couples are chatty during sex; other couples prefer to talk after the excitement is
over. Whatever your style, be sure to communicate openly and honestly about what
worked and what didn’t work for you. Experimentation is a trial and error learning
process—so give your partner feedback about what you loved, liked, felt indifferent
about, and disliked (and this feedback should be ongoing).
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While the importance of good communication may seem obvious, for many people a
dissatisfying sex life is often the end result of a breakdown in communication. Often
feelings of shame and/or embarrassment inhibit such communication. Many of us were
taught to feel embarrassed about our bodies and were raised to believe it is wrong to
talk about our sexual needs. These feelings can be reversed only in the context of a
supportive environment where you and your partner take the risk of talking about your
physical needs and then experiencing firsthand how this conversation leads to a more
fulfilling experience.
It is important to know that it is common to feel uneasy about frank discussions of

sexuality. This is not a reflection that there is something wrong with you or your
relationship. These discussions place you both in a very vulnerable position, and it is
essential that you support each other and make it clear that you are not judging or
criticizing one another. Part of this dialogue might involve telling your partner exactly
what you need from him or her as you share this part of yourself. This will help your
partner to be more responsive to your needs. While discussing such sensitive issues,
you increase the likelihood that you may misinterpret a relatively innocuous statement
or something your partner thought was supportive as critical. If this occurs, it’s
important that you share this with your partner.
Keep the following formula in mind:
Good communication leads to…

…a stronger emotional bond and deeper intimacy with your partner,
which is a prerequisite for…
…a passionate and satisfying sex life.
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Action plan:
Do you and your partner already talk about how to build a better sex life? If not, what
stands in the way of you having these important conversations?
List some specific steps you can take toward the goal of You and your spouse/partner may
have different comfort levels about
becoming a better communicator about your sexual needs:
sex and conversations about sex.
Keeping in mind each other's com-
fort levels is important while work-
ing toward to a more fulfilling sex
life. Remember, mutual respect
should always be a top priority.
What are some questions you can ask your spouse/partner to better understand his/
her sexual needs?
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6. New ideas lead to new excitement.
There are many good resources available to help couples expand their sexual
repertoires. Think of it this way: Some people are natural cooks. Instinctively they are
able to throw ingredients together to make a wonderful meal. Most of us, however,
need a little help and guidance from cookbooks and their already-tested recipes. So we
get ideas from what others have discovered and use their tips and direction. And
sometimes you might even experiment by altering a recipe—you change the ingredients
to fit your own tastes.
Why wouldn’t the same hold true for passion and sex? In this module you've already
read about numerous ways to increase the passion in your marriage or relationship.
But there are many other resources available to you. All you have to do is take a trip to
your local library or your favorite bookstore and peruse books related to love, sex and
passion. And if you do this as a couple, this mutual exploration with the goal of
discovery often ignites the fires of passion.
Meet Vicki and Tim (a love of books led to better sex)
Vicki loved it when Tim went to the local bookstore on the weekend—in fact, this
turned into a little game for Vicki and Tim. Vicki knew that when Tim returned, they
were going to try something new sexually. This was a big turn-on for her. What was
Tim's secret? Why did the bookstore increase his libido and sense of adventure? It's
quite simple and effective.
Tim would scan books on how to improve his sex life, jot a few notes down and
experiment with his wife. He discovered new sexual positions and how to be a more
giving lover by examining such books as The Joy of Sex and The Cosmos Kama Sutra:
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77 Mind-Blowing Sex Positions. For Tim, the more information he had about sex, the
better. And his wife couldn't agree more.
Many people weren't properly educated about sex and how to be a passionate lover.
And let's face it, the junior high school sex education class required by the school board
(that perhaps focused more on reproduction than on sex itself) in all likelihood didn't
give you the information and tools needed to create a healthy physical side to your
marriage or relationship. And on the small chance that the class was useful, you
probably weren't listening—after all, you already knew everything, at least that's the
impression you had to give everyone sitting around you.
Good educational resources exist (i.e., books, DVDs, CDs) to help guide and inform
couples about developing and maintaining a more satisfying sex life. These resources
exist because, like you, there are tons of people who are eager to improve their sex lives
and increase the passion in their relationship. So don’t go it alone. Healthy, loving
relationships should never stop evolving. Many couples report that shopping together
(either online or in the relationship/self-help section of a book store) for items that
improve their marriage or relationship and enhance their sex life can, in and of itself,
be a really big turn-on.
Action plan:
Are you ready to increase your passion knowledge-base?
What is one thing you can do this week to help increase your knowledge and create a
more varied passion toolbox? Describe this below:
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Make a commitment to accomplishing this task (writing a "to-do" list with completion
dates can help increase your accountability to reaching your goals):
Target Date for Goal #1:____________
Target Date for Goal #2:____________
If you try something new that does- Target Date for Goal #3:____________
n’t add anything positive to your
relationship, move on to something
Remember that writing down a projected date dramatically
else. Healthy and successful rela-
tionships involve learning about increases the likelihood you’ll complete a task, any task. This
each other—what works and doesn't. rule holds true for your relationship.
One couple committed to experi-
menting on at least two occasions a
month (though they made love a few
times a week). They tried numerous 7. Use Fantasy.
new behaviors before discovering
that anticipation and teasing was
what worked best for them. We briefly addressed the role of fantasy in your sex life, and
this important topic will be explored further in chapter ten.
The point I'd like to reiterate here is that many couples who
report having a fulfilling sex life describe the use of fantasy as a powerful aphrodisiac.
Of course, this doesn't mean that something is wrong with you or your relationship if
fantasizing is not part of the relationship fabric. People vary greatly in the amount of
fantasizing that takes place and the way that fantasy is used in their marriage or
relationship. Many people fantasize and many do not. Think of fantasy as an active
imagination: When used responsibly and mindfully, fantasy can create the novelty and
excitement needed to increase the passion threshold of your marriage or relationship.
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A Note on Varied Eroticism
Sex means different things to different people. For some couples, sex is a highly
emotional event that brings closeness and a deep connection (these couples may talk
about their sexual experiences as "making love" rather than "having sex"); for others,
sex can feel transformative and take on a spiritual dimension; while for others, sex is
an erotic, primitive act that gives a physical release and little else.
The type of sexual experience one seeks is often a reflection of preference and need—
e.g., you may have the need to form a deep emotional connection with your partner
while having sex. This doesn't have to be an either/ or experience (either you make love
with your mate or you have sex with him/her. Some couples are able to have both: they
create varied types of sexual experiences with each other).
Where do you and your partner tend to fall on the eroticism continuum?
Purely physical, erotic act------------emotional-------------transformative/spiritual
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Brad and Pamela: How Varied Eroticism gave their marriage a much
needed passion-boost
Pam was the first to notice that their sex life was becoming less than satisfying or, as
she described it, "pretty boring." She realized that changes in sexual frequency and
passion were normal aspects of a long-term relationship. "I read about this in different
women's magazines, so I didn't panic or think my marriage was over…But everything I
read also said that we needed to work on this part of our relationship."
So Pam gave Brad a challenge. She asked him to think about what was missing in their
sex lives so they could begin working as a team at restoring the passion to their
marriage. Brad gave this a great deal of thought and was "surprised to find that I felt
something was actually missing. I was a little nervous talking about this to Pam
because I wasn't sure how she was going to react."
But Brad did speak to Pam and this conversation ended up being an important catalyst
to resuscitating their passion. Brad told Pam that he wanted to have "more hot sex."
What did Brad actually mean? He wanted to add a dash of purely erotic sex to their
lovemaking. As Brad described, "Don't get me wrong, I want to make love to Pam. But
at times I want us to act naughty—like we just met at a club or in a shopping mall and
we were going to have sex. Maybe that's a guy thing, I don't know, but I can't deny
finding that hot."
The good news for Brad and their marriage is that Pam was very open to role- playing
erotic, steamy scenes with her husband. As Pam said, "It was an obvious turn-on for
Brad and that turned me on…"
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The reality is that many couples naturally blend these types of

sexual experiences—for instance, you and your partner may Couples pick up on and feed off each
engage in sex talk that might lead to highly erotic sexual acts other's energies, so when you turn
your partner on, you may find your-
that open the door to feelings of closeness and a deep
self becoming more aroused.
emotional/spiritual sense of connection.
Problems can arise if your focus is on mostly having one type

of sexual experience, say expressing your primitive sexual side, and your partner only
wants to express his/her tender, emotionally-focused sexual side. When this dichotomy
occurs, couples may begin to feel sexually incompatible and unfulfilled.
Communication is essential in order to bridge these different sexual preferences. The
goal is to learn to meet each other’s needs and find some middle ground.
This may not come as a surprise, but with the couples I've worked with, it is usually the
men who desire a more erotic form of sexual expression (of course, there are
exceptions to these observations). What is most telling is that many men keep this
desire hidden from their wife or partner. Some men come to believe that their needs
are somehow wrong and have no place within the boundaries of a loving marriage/
relationship. Fears of rejection, embarrassment and shame may fuel their silence, and
to cope, some men may try to repress their desires. A small percentage of men make
the unfortunate decision to seek out more erotically-charged experiences outside the
relationship. Couples need to work on creating space within the relationship to allow
the expression and fulfillment of each other's varying sexual needs.
When this dynamic occurs in relationships, the goal is to create balance by making it
safe for each partner to discuss their needs and to reach compromises on how to meet
each other's needs. This is how Pamela and Brad dealt with their sexual desire
imbalance. On certain nights they agreed to engage in more erotic types of sexual
foreplay (talking "dirty" to each other; role-playing); and other nights they tenderly
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express their love through physical intimacy. This compromise allowed both Pamela
and Brad to feel good about themselves as partners while achieving sexual fulfillment.
Self-assessment action step
Varied Eroticism Continuum:
highly erotic------------------------emotional---------------------------spiritual
physical release love-making transformative
For a moment reflect on your preferred means of sexual self-expression—while this

may not be a static experience, think about what is typical for you. Where on the
eroticism continuum do you fall?
Describe your spouse/partner's preferred method of sexual self-expression:
How are you and your partner compatible in this area of your marriage/relationship?
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In what ways are you incompatible?
Do either of you see any benefits to varying the kinds of sexual experiences you share?
Why or why not?
What holds you back from adding a wider range of sexual behaviors/experiences to
your sex life?
If you and your spouse/partner agree that there would be benefits to varied eroticism,
what steps can you both take to move in this direction? List up to five below:
Varied Eroticism action step 1:
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Mindsets that can destroy intimacy
Anyone in a marriage or a long-term relationship understands the challenges of

keeping romance, passion and intimacy alive. Candlelit dinners, gazing into each
other’s eyes, and the priority of talking and making love begin
to buckle under the pressure of busy schedules, the demands
The emotional excitement and en-
of maintaining a household, the stresses of work, and for all ergy experienced at the beginning of
those parents out there, the constant attention and energy a relationship serves the important
function of helping you bond emo-
children require.
tionally with your partner. Without
that connection, most of us wouldn't
Familiarity: The good and the bad stick around when our relationship
falters—which all relationships do
from time to time. But this early
Familiarity is a double-edged sword for most couples. phase of your relationship can also
Familiarity and repetitive routines can make you and your set the stage for the creation of unre-
alistic expectations.
partner feel safe and comfortable with one another. You can
only feel safe with someone you trust; and you can (and
should) only trust someone you know well—someone who is reliable and consistent
and follows through on his/her word. This level of trust grows out of the familiar
rhythms that develop in your relationship. After some time in the relationship, you
begin to know what to expect from your partner: he laughs at these particular jokes,
she enjoys these types of movies, his political leanings are in this direction, and so on.
While it differs from person to person, and couple to couple, familiarity is a feature of
long-term relationships that many find comforting.
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But for some couples, these same relationship staples that create a comfortable setting
can also slowly cool the embers of passion.
For many, passion and novelty go hand-in-hand--new love is inherently passionate and
sexually exciting. Just remember the level of passion you and
Think about this: didn't you con- your partner experienced early on in your relationship and
sciously put on your best face when you'll know what I'm talking about. But those spontaneous
you were first dating your partner?
fireworks cannot last indefinitely—at some point deliberate
You might not have let your partner
see you in your worn and tattered attention and effort are needed to nurture this part of your
pajamas with your hair a mess...not relationship. This is unavoidable and completely normal.
until much later in the relationship.
We tend to create a dream-like ver-
sion of reality early on in the rela- At some point in the relationship, it becomes imperative that
tionship. Neat, pressed clothes; each of us ask ourselves the following question:
hours of preparation to look your
best; elevated levels of charm and
tenderness; selfless generosity that If my marriage or relationship doesn’t involve the kind of
would even impress the Dali Lama passion and intimacy I desire, then how am I contributing to a
all set the stage to impress—but the
low-passion, low-intimacy union? While focusing on yourself
stage is also set for a fall from grace.
Slowly and over time, those passion- for the moment (and not on your partner), write the thoughts
friendly expectations tend to wane that come to mind in the space below:
and are often replaced with anti-
passion, anti-romance, and anti-
intimacy mindsets. It's important
that you become aware of these
mindsets if passion is going to sur-
vive and thrive in your relationship.
Being aware of these normal trends
is the first and most important step
in putting passion back in your rela-
tionship.
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If I asked you who your best friend is, many of you would point to your spouse or
partner. Close friends share a strong emotional bond, enjoy spending time with each
other and often have a lot in common. However, there are important elements of a
romantic relationship that set it apart from a just-friends relationship--passion,
sensuality, and physical attraction.
Sexual desire fluctuates throughout the life of a relationship
Every individual is different, which means that every couple is different. Take this one
step further and it's clear that every couple has different levels of sexual desire and
different needs for intimacy. Despite the urge to compare
ourselves to others as we search for the ideal "times per week," Despite these natural fluctuations,
the fact is there is no magic number because a couple's there are mindsets that can creep
into your relationship that negatively
sexuality is intensely personal and completely unique to the
impact your attempts to keep pas-
couple. sion alive. Be aware of them and you
put yourself on the road toward a
more fulfilling sex life with your
You're in very good company if the quantity and quality of sex
partner.
fluctuates in your marriage or relationship. Many couples
report steady declines as the years march on, others
experience periods of little physical intimacy intermixed with sporadic increases in sex.
Couples have different sexual rhythms.
In addition to the natural erotic lulls that accompany long-term relationships, many
couples are surprised to discover that they are doing things to contribute to a no-sex
marriage. In particular, these couples espouse anti-erotic mindsets that make
passion nearly impossible (and they might not even realize it!).
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See if you and your partner hold any of the passion-annihilating, intimacy-inhibiting
mindsets listed below:
Ten anti-passion mindsets:

(I’ll list them first, and then will explore each one in greater detail.)
1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.
2. You’re waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.
3. You believe sex is mainly physical.
4. After all these years, you still believe in “the quickie.”
5. “Foreplay is a waste of time.”
6. “Passion shouldn’t take planning.”
7. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” (AKA: Don’t disturb a good rut.)
8. “Why bother touching each other if it isn’t going to lead to sex?”
9. The “why bother?” mindset.
10. The anticipation of failure/rejection mindset.
1. You believe that sex is separate from other parts of your relationship.
A relationship truism couples often forget: How you treat your partner outside the
bedroom affects what happens inside the bedroom. If your partner perceives you as
indifferent or judgmental or non-communicative, it shouldn't be a surprise when you
hear, "I'm really not in the mood tonight."
The seeds of passion are set outside the bedroom--nurture the emotional connection of
your relationship and you'll nurture passion.
Okay, so at this point you might be thinking, "It's a pretty tall order to nurture the
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emotional connection of my relationship in order to increase passion. Is there

something I can do right away to get my relationship moving in the right direction?"
The good news is that you can immediately start to nurture your relationship bond and
the most powerful step is becoming more attentive to your partner. This doesn't have
to be complicated and for you guys out there cringing over the idea of having to spend
hours talking about your feelings, rest assured that there are ways to heighten
attentiveness without signing up for a communication-marathon.
What follows is a simple roadmap that, if practiced each day, will increase the chances
of you building a stronger, more loving relationship bond—and ultimately, a more
passionate, sensuous marriage/relationship. Pick one or a few that you feel will fit well
with your personality and your relationship.
Steps to overcome this anti-passion mindset:
Send messages of love and interest every day
You realize your partner loves you and you assume s/he realizes the same about you.
The problem is that these assumptions often stand in the way of a much needed,
continuous expression of the love you share. Over time, these omissions can lead
couples to feel unappreciated and marginalized. So if your knee-jerk reaction to
hearing this is, "S/he knows I love her/him; I don't have to say it," you'll need to take
my word on this one. Knowing it and hearing it are worlds apart.
Here are a few ways you can begin adding messages of "I love you" into your
relationship (in addition to the irreplaceable “I love you”):
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"I missed you"; "I can't wait to see you"; "You make me so happy"; "I love spending
time with you"; "I look forward to spending time with you"; "I'm thinking of you"; "I
love that about you"; "How was your day? I'd love to hear about it"; "How would you
like to celebrate?"; "I love it when you leave me messages"; "Do you want company?"
"It would be great to do that with you."
Action step:
Brainstorm other ways you can express your love to your spouse/partner. List them
below:
Each day, show your support and commitment
This is a little different than sending messages of love, but just as important. As you
read through this list, imagine how you'd feel hearing your partner send you these
types of messages.
"We're a great team"; "We're in this together"; "We'll get through this together"; "I'll be
right by your side"; "You’re not alone"; "I'm right here"; "What can I do to help?";
"Don't worry, I'll take care of it"; "You're being so hard on yourself--everyone makes
mistakes"; "Congratulations! You deserve it"; "That took a lot of courage"; "I'm so
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proud of you"; "You did a great job"; "I'm sending you good-luck vibes"; "Let me know
what happens"; "I knew you could do it"; "I believe in you"; "I'll be right here waiting";
"I'm here for you"; "Tell me what you need."
Action step:
Brainstorm other ways you can express your support and commitment to your spouse/
partner. List them below:
Gestures of love and support
You probably heard the expression, "Actions speak louder than words." This couldn't
be truer than when it comes to marriage/relationships. So in addition to regularly
sending your partner verbal messages of appreciation to make him/her feel special,
take the necessary action steps to make this happen in other ways. And remember: big
gestures aren't necessary. A relationship benefits from regular, consistent, smaller
gestures, not large-but-rare ones.
A kiss; a hug; holding hands; making love; touching one another; giving each other a
massage; helping out more around the house; a smile; a loving glance; a wink; a wave;
a thumbs-up; a high-five; making him laugh or smile; making her coffee; bringing
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home his favorite food; compromising more often; a loving note, e-mail, text message,
or voice message; a gift; a pleasant surprise; helping out more; being emotionally
present; listening carefully; being playful; planning for fun.
Action step:
Brainstorm other ways you can show more gestures of love and support. List them
below:
These lists are by no means exhaustive. Start with them and practice with your partner.
It's important to feel the truth behind each statement of love and support you send. If
you parrot statements you truly don't believe, your insincerity will come through and
undermine your efforts. Your goal is to touch your partner's heart, and to do that you
have to be in tune with your own heart first. As you read each statement (and as you
think of your own), focus your energies on the love that connects you to your partner—
this love is the energy source that connects you both and surrounds your relationship.
If you and your partner are going through some rough times, it may be difficult to
connect with these feelings. If this is the case, try to remember a time in the
relationship when your loving feelings were more pronounced and accessible. This may
take some effort (especially if you haven't felt loving toward your partner in quite some
time), so patience may be needed. If you continue to experience considerable resistance
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in accessing loving feelings, it will be important for you to assess what is standing in
the way. Here are some questions to guide you.
What is standing in the way of you feeling warmly toward your spouse/partner?
What will you need (from yourself and from your partner) to begin the journey of
unblocking your love?
What would you need to let go of in order to let go of your resistance (even
temporarily)?
Take some time to reflect on your responses and come back to these questions over a
period of time to help you flesh out your reactions/feelings.
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Each day, send at least one message of appreciation
Feeling loved and appreciated go hand-in-hand. Love and emotional intimacy are
nurtured by messages and actions that make you and your partner feel special. While
this tends to flow naturally when couples are first dating, years into the relationship it
often takes reminders and consistent effort to stay on top of this vital part of your
relationship. Expressions of appreciation are a powerful way to keep intimacy alive
(and it is a powerful way to begin the healing that must take place when lingering
feelings of hurt block intimacy or when trust is violated).
Any sentiment that communicates thanks and gratitude fall into this category:
Make it a habit to say "Thank you" more often, even when your partner or spouse does
the little things that s/he has done a million times before (poured you the first cup of
morning coffee, fed the dog, took out the trash…even if you had to ask). Make sure your
partner hears your thanks. (In other words, don't mutter it or say it under your breath.
Be generous with your verbalized gratitude.)
Beyond "Thank you," try to add statements like:
"You're such a giving person";

"That was so thoughtful of you";
"That really helped me";
"I appreciate what you did for me";
"You're such a hard worker";
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me";
"That was kind of you";
"You’re the kindest person I know";
"I can't thank you enough";
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"You're wonderful";
"You always surprise/amaze me";
"You do so much for me";
"You’re my best friend";
Try to focus on the present in an
"I can never thank you enough."
effort to build a stronger relationship
in the future. Why is this important?
Some couples get bogged down in
never-ending cycles of conflict—old
Gratitude Action Step:
hurts and grievances are continu-
ously dredged up until the past be-
Start each day by evoking feelings of gratitude. Each morning, comes an obstacle to the present.
You and your partner need to ac-
make a short list of the things in your life that you are grateful
knowledge that as long as you focus
for. Then add one or two items to this list that reflect your exclusively on the past, your union
appreciation of your spouse/partner. can never advance to the future you
desire. When you make a commit-
ment to sending powerful, loving
Research shows that people who keep gratitude lists messages in the present, you create a
experience more positive feelings, and in general have a more hospitable present. Sending
the messages described in this sec-
greater sense of well- being.
tion (and sending them each day) is
a powerful way to begin this process.
And it is an ongoing process, so give
it time.
[Now back to our list, “Ten anti-passion mindsets”]:
2. You're waiting for spontaneous sex to occur.
Sometimes spur-of-the-moment sex will occur, often it won't. This might reflect the
stage your relationship is in, or differing levels of sexual desire, or the effects of
stressful circumstances. Whatever the reason, this is a reality for many couples. So
please ignore the Hollywood movies that show couples knocking over every pot and
pan in the kitchen (even pot and pans filled with ready-to-eat gourmet food) as they're
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overcome with desire and can’t wait to get to the bedroom to have sex. Spontaneous
sexual combustion might have occurred when you and your partner were first dating,
but for couples who survive past the two- to three-year mark, life's spontaneous
happenings are more likely to involve heartburn and indigestion than sex.
You need to plan for romantic moments, thereby creating them. Even if, over breakfast,
you can't imagine yourself being in the mood later in the evening, if you set aside a time
and create a romantic space, you might later surprise yourself when you become
aroused.
So don't be passive about passion--successful couples work on creating passion. Here's

how one couple, together for fourteen years, keeps passion alive. Meet Connie and
Louis.
Connie and Louis (a slow simmer but still passionate after all those years):
Connie's affection and admiration for Louis is palpable and his feelings for Connie are
no different. But their relationship didn't start out this way. They first met at a liberal
arts college in Vermont and Connie had little romantic interest in Louis. She often
joked, "I thought he was weird and I wasn't even sure if he was straight. I wanted to set
him up with one of my male friends…" As their friendship matured, Louis harbored
feelings for Connie but intuitively realized that Connie's feelings were only platonic.
After graduation Connie planned to move back to Oregon and Louis realized that he
had to make a move or lose Connie forever—"I had to find out if it was possible; if we
stood a chance as a couple."
As they describe their marriage today, both quickly agree that their romantic
relationship matured slowly. "Our love and passion has been a slow simmer--Slow and
consistent." Connie shared that they developed a very rewarding sex life. Louis added,
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"I don't think either one of us has a high libido, so we're a good match in that regard.
But we both realize that sex is important so we made it a priority. Even though we both
can go a long time without sex and be fine with that, we're
always glad after we make love…" If Louis and Connie waited around
for sex to occur, they'd have a pla-
tonic relationship rather than a ro-
mantic relationship. They both get
Describe your expectations about how sex should arise turned on and sexually aroused after
initiating foreplay and erotic touch.
between you and your partner and how often you believe you
It's important to remember that for
should be physically intimate: some couples, sexual arousal follows
the initiation of sex (rather than
arousal leading to sex). This is why
scheduling time to make love—even
when you do not feel like it—is im-
portant to passion and intimacy.
What, if anything, stands in the way of planning for physical intimacy?
How do (can) you and your partner plan for romance, for sex? What steps can you
begin taking to make romance and sex a more integral part of the relationship?
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3. You believe sex is mainly physical.
"When I was younger, sex was nothing more than sex. It felt good and I went after it.
That seemed to change in my late twenties. It still felt great, but it wasn't just about
having an orgasm…" ~Oscar (married to his second wife for thirteen years)
"For me, sex is all about connection. I feel so amazingly close to Dan after we have sex.
Don't get me wrong, it feels great, but it's mainly emotional for me." ~Beth (living with
Dan for six months)
Sex means different things to different people. Because of our brains (in particular our
cerebral cortex), humans make meaning out of experiences—including sex.
Sex is psychological, emotional and physical. For many, the road to great sex starts in
the mind. You've probably heard the adage: "The most powerful sex organ is between
the ears." Your imagination and fantasy life can be great aphrodisiacs. For this to occur,
you and your partner need to openly communicate about your sexual desires and
interests and what sex means to you.
Feedback and discussions about why sex is important to you will pave the way to a
more fulfilling sex life. And remember that the meaning of sex may change: on one
occasion you might find that you emphasize the physical release that sex brings, at
another time the psychological and emotional connection you feel when making love
might be the centerpiece of your experience. And still at other times, you may have a
transcendent, spiritual experience when having sex with someone you deeply love and
feel connected with; and of course, these divergent experiences may happen all at once.
Do you find you emphasize one type of experience over the others? If so, which one,
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and why do you think this is so?
4. After all these years, you still believe in "the quickie."
For some couples, nothing kills passion more than a hurried atmosphere. You're not a
teenager any longer, which can be translated as: Your body and libido have slowed
down since raging hormones were the new kids on the block. Do you warm up before
exercising? Do you let your car idle before heading off to work in the morning?
You and your partner may have different warm-up times before feeling ready for sex—
especially if one or both of you typically have low libidos (low sexual desire).
Differences in sexual desire often result in frustrations, hurt feelings and conflict. And
clearly, this shouldn't be the case—your (or your partner's) low sexual desire has to do
with hormone levels you have no control over. Many couples misinterpret a low sexual
desire as a lack of interest or caring, rather than recognizing it for what it really is—the
physiological effects of hormonal levels.
So if you or your spouse/partner have a lower sex drive, it's essential that these
differences in libido be respected. And you should take it slow—a person with a low sex
drive can become just as aroused as someone who's always ready to jump between the
sheets. The only difference is that the low sex drive person needs time and effort to
ramp up the passion—give him/her this necessary time.
Give passion the time and attention it deserves.
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Is there something inherently wrong with quick sex? Absolutely not, and a "quickie"
may fit well with your and your partner's personality styles and lifestyles. As I've been
saying throughout, a rewarding sex life comes down to effective communication
between you and your spouse/partner. Troubles occur when
Even someone who was sexually your sexual needs differ from your partner's and you don't
ravenous at the beginning of the address how to navigate these differences.
relationship may ultimately have a
low sexual desire. The chemical
changes that occur in the brain dur- Compromise: The Wonder Mindset
ing new love (increased dopamine
and serotonin) elevate the hormone
testosterone in both men and
Learning to compromise is essential for a successful marriage/
women. It is elevated levels of testos- relationship, including a satisfying sex life.
terone that lead to a greater desire
for sex. As your brain chemicals go
So imagine the following: you are a staunch advocate of quick
back to normal levels (as the rela-
tionship matures), the testosterone sex (let's say ten minutes, tops) and your partner prefers at
in your body will also return to its least ten minutes of sensual touching that leads to extended
pre-infatuation levels. So someone
foreplay before having intercourse.
who typically has a low or average
libido may become hyper-sexual
during the first two years of the rela- How can the two of you create a meaning sex life under these
tionship, but by year three or four,
conditions? (Think about and answer this question even if you
it's very likely that his/her sexual
desire will dip significantly. This is and your partner do not fit this profile.)
totally normal and is to be expected;
it is not a reflection on you or your
Brainstorm for a moment and list possible solutions to this
relationship.
dilemma below:
Solution #1:
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Solution # 2:
Solution #3:
In your solutions, what changes and compromises were you willing to make? (Note any
resistances to your willingness to compromise.)
What changes do you feel your partner should make in this scenario?
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Compromise is all about give and take; without compromise, relationships remain
inflexible and sooner or later will crash into the brick wall of reality—the reality that
you and your spouse/partner are different, separate beings—each with unique traits
and different needs. While the ability to compromise is an essential skill for the overall
health and vibrancy of your relationship, the focus here is on
learning to compromise in the bedroom. So let's take a closer
It's hard not to keep score when look at how compromising fits into your marriage/
you've compromised numerous relationship.
times without any reciprocity from
your partner. But when you keep
score ("I've been giving and giving--
when are you going to give back?!"),
you set yourself up for disappoint-
ment, resentment and feeling dis-
tanced from your partner. Most The role of compromise in your relationship:
likely, tension will build between
you. So rip up your score card and
~When you compromise, you momentarily place your partner
try to compromise because you know
it's good for the relationship (and at and the relationship first. This takes a certain level of maturity
the end of the day, good for you). since you will have to temporarily hit the pause button on
your own needs.
~Your ability to compromise will benefit the greater good of the relationship.
~When you compromise, you send your partner a message of caring, kindness and
respect.
When you develop a flexible, cooperative mindset about sex, you create a trusting and
safe atmosphere for you both to share your sexual needs, preferences and desires. This
isn't always easy, especially when your partner's desires differ significantly from your
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own, but hopefully, there will be some amount of sexual compatibility between you—
just enough to make you feel that your needs are also being met.
What stands in the way of you compromising?
~You feel the relationship is unbalanced (you're always attending to your spouse/
partner's needs without any reciprocity).
~You feel angry or resentful toward your partner.
~Your partner's requests/needs conflict with your core values.
~You're easily frustrated and not used to placing someone else's needs above your own.
~Compromise is viewed through a win/lose mindset: You feel that if you give in, you
somehow place yourself in a one-down position to your partner/spouse.
Do any of the above ring true for you? If so, how has this played out in your marriage/
relationship? How has this made you feel?
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Developing a win/win mindset in the bedroom
"Sex and money! Those are the two main reasons we fight all the time. He doesn't make
me feel attractive anymore. I know that I should feel attractive and that's not his job.
But that's the way I feel and I can't help it. I don't ask for a lot!"
Alyssa and Damien had been over this issue time and time again. Unable to contain her
anger, she continued, "The other day we both got home from work and after eating
something, he took a shower. I knew something was up because he always showers in
the morning. You won't believe what happened next. I hear him calling my name in this
sheepish voice and there he is, lying naked on the bed. He smiles and calls me over…He
didn't say two words to me over dinner and now he wants sex. Just because he was
ready and willing didn't mean I was…"
To her credit, Alyssa has made several attempts to communicate her emotional and
sexual needs to her boyfriend. She enjoys making love to him, but Damien's approach
to physical intimacy doesn't work for her. As she describes, "He wants it when he wants
it and I'm supposed to have sex whenever he's ready…I don't think so." Damien doesn't
deny his caveman-like approach to physical intimacy. If fact, he realizes that he's
"probably being selfish," but this insight hasn't changed anything. He knows that
Alyssa wants to be held and caressed before making love, but he hasn't consistently
followed through on incorporating this information into their love-life. As Alyssa
described, "I need to take it slow at first. I know it's frustrating for him to take his time
to get me in the mood, but lying naked and saying, 'Come on, baby, let's do it,' isn't my
idea of romance."
The problem has become so intolerable for Alyssa that she is now threatening to leave
Damien.
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Can you think of a possible solution for Alyssa and Damien (besides Alyssa finding a
new boyfriend)? Explain your thoughts below:
You'd probably agree that Damien isn't the most considerate lover in the world. He
wants quick sex (he's basically looking for an orgasm without any real emotional
connection) and remains reluctant to meet Alyssa's needs in this important area. The
sad thing is that with a little effort and attention, Damien can really make Alyssa feel
special—which would make her more open to having sex with him.
Damien has two options in front of him:
1. Continue to upset his girlfriend and create distance between them for the sake of a
quick orgasm.
2. Attend to his girlfriend's emotional and sexual needs, thereby making her feel cared
for and emotionally connected to Damien, while ultimately getting his own sexual
needs (a need for an orgasm) met.
More often then not, Damien chooses option 1. That is why their relationship is in
trouble.
What if Damien made the decision to choose option 2—what would be the outcome of
this decision?
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First, he would turn his girlfriend on and this would make their sex life more
passionate and gratifying (making love with a partner who is emotionally present,
physically aroused and motivated to please you compared to having sex with a partner
who is emotionally distant and going through the motions in order to get it over with).
Second, Alyssa would feel that her boyfriend really loves her because he is responsive
and attentive to her sexual needs. This could make her feel loved and cared for, which
would elevate her mood (she'd probably feel more content) and these feelings are likely
to permeate her interactions with Damien. These positive feelings will last long after
the physical experience has ended.
Third, if Alyssa sees the effort Damien is making to satisfy her needs, she may feel
more willing on occasion to accommodate Damien's desire for a quick “roll in the hay.”
Fourth, research shows that during and after sex, chemicals are released in the body
that foster a greater sense of connection between partners. So the chances increase that
the emotional bond between Alyssa and Damien will be strengthened.
What would you do if you were in Damien's shoes?
Action Step:
Working toward compromise
Compromising and communicating go hand in hand. In order to compromise, you have

to find out what your partner/spouse needs from you. There is a powerful way to
discover what your partner's sexual needs are—ASK!
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Here are some questions to get you started:
~I want to make you feel good and give you pleasure. Tell me
what I can do.
All too often, one partner states her/
his needs or makes a request that
~Is there something I'm doing that isn't working for you?
only leads to a temporary change—
for instance, you ask your husband
~Is there something I'm not doing that you'd like me to try? to help out more around the house
and he helps out more for about a
week or so and than falls back to his
not-so-helpful ways. Many people
Since you and your partner are continuously evolving as fizzle out after initially responding to
their partner's request for help. It's
people, what works for you (and your partner) in one instance
as if the request remained in his
(or at one time of your life) may not be ideal at another time. temporary memory folder but was
This is why ongoing communication is so important and never saved to his mental hard-drive
where he could continuously access
asking questions creates opportunities for greater intimacy
it. One way to help permanently
(and fewer misunderstandings). store and have access to the new
information is to use highlighting
questions that keep this information
But asking questions is only part of the picture—listening to
primed and readily available. Ques-
your partner's answers and the feedback s/he gives you are tions like, "How can I use what my
essential. Or rather, listening and internalizing the spouse/partner just told me to keep
up my follow-through?" "What spe-
information received. (See Healthy Relationship Program
cific actions can I take to complete
module: The ABCs of Effective Communication). When you the circle, from request to appropri-
internalize feedback from your partner, you utilize the ate response?" When you ask such
questions, what has been asked of
information by asking yourself, "How can I use this
you is more likely to lead to a more
information to be better serve my partner?" This allows you to reliable follow-through.
transfer the information into behaviors that are concrete
representations of the feedback.
When you compromise, you also place your needs on hold—at least temporarily—in
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order to give to your partner. And hopefully your partner does the same. You might do
this automatically (without discussion) or you and your partner may openly negotiation
a compromise ("We'll see the movie you want now, but next week let's see my movie").
5. "Foreplay is a waste of time."
Some people are anti-foreplay. They'd rather jump right into sex, even if their partner
isn't in the mood. Sure, some people like to start slow and their sexual arousal levels
require a little attention and nurturance, but people who hold this particular mindset
are probably convinced that they don't have the time or patience for foreplay. As a
husband once said to me, "Doc, I work sixty-five hours a week. Foreplay isn't
economical—it takes too much time and effort." Since when does foreplay have to be so
time-consuming? Even a "quickie" can include a little foreplay.
If you want to chase all lasting remnants of passion out of your relationship, forget the
warm-up and embrace an anti-foreplay attitude. But if it's satisfying love-making that
you're after, learn to embrace a pro-foreplay attitude.
Meet Jennifer and Todd (it's all about the foreplay)
For some couples, deep emotional intimacy and sexual gratification is achieved
through foreplay—and for others, foreplay is preferred over intercourse. Together for
seventeen years and married for four, Jennifer and Todd describe their sex life as
"fantastic." Not surprising, both see communication and compromise as the bedrock of
their marriage and in particular, how they remain sexually fulfilled.
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Jennifer joked, "I actually want to have sex more often than Todd. That hasn't been a
big problem for us. Maybe we got into one or two arguments about it. Hey, considering
how long we've been together, I think that's pretty darn good." Jennifer described a
history of experiencing pain while having intercourse. A medical check-up showed that
she is healthy but that during sex the walls of her vagina aren't properly lubricated. As
she described, "So the doctor told me to use lubrication during sex. We did and it
helped and sometimes we still go this route. But to be honest, we naturally seemed to
compensate by having more foreplay and that seemed to work great. When I asked
Todd if he wanted to have more intercourse, he said he would let me know. That was
three years ago and he hasn't said anything. I check-in with him once in a while to see if
he wants to have intercourse…"
Todd said that he has been completely satisfied with his and Jennifer's sex life. When
asked if he feels he's been missing out because of the lack of intercourse, Todd replied,
"Jen asks me the same question. I don’t and she keeps telling me that if I want to have
intercourse she's totally OK with trying. But the sex we have is great…I feel really close
to her when we do make love and I wouldn't change anything."
As you can see from the example of Todd and Jennifer, some couples rely exclusively
on foreplay and have very satisfying sex lives. Other couples prefer intercourse to
foreplay and still others enjoy both. Problems can arise if one of you is strongly
opposed to foreplay and one of you really desires foreplay. This is why it's so important
to communicate and learn to compromise so each person is getting his/her needs met.
Are you and your spouse/partner compatible when it comes to foreplay? If you're not
certain (don't assume that you are compatible), ask questions to find out.
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Some of the questions already mentioned are relevant to this issue. Here are a few
more you can ask:
When we have foreplay, is there something you'd like me to do or do differently? It's

important to me that I make you feel good; that's why I'm asking.
I really like it when you do _____________. Are you able to do more of that?
When you do _____________ it feels a little uncomfortable (or it hurts). Can you do
it a little easier?
I just read about _____________ in that book I've been telling you about. And they
have some interesting suggestions. Would you like to try one?
6. "Passion shouldn't take planning"
This mindset is a little different than the "passion/sex should be spontaneous"

mindset. With the "passion shouldn't take planning" perspective, you keep telling
yourself that once the job stress vanishes or the kids grow up and leave for college, or
you can afford to work less, passion will magically find its way back into your
relationship (so there's no reason to bother making the effort now). Part of this
mindset includes the erroneous belief that passion should remain a natural extension
of the love you and your partner feel and once all the stress in your life is removed,
passion will resurface.
Some couples in long-term relationships discover that great sex often results from sex
that's planned. These couples have learned the hard way that stress is an inevitable
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part of life and that despite the pressures that surround them, time and planning are a
necessary and important step in order to keep passion alive. If, on the other hand, you
want to be sure the bed is used just for sleeping, then throw
I've worked with many people who
away your daily planners and keep your fingers crossed that
are efficient at organizing their work
passion will find its way into your relationship—but this route day, from all walks of life: from
is an unnecessary, risky gamble. plumbers to lawyers, athletes to poli-
ticians, these organized people regu-
larly schedule appointments and
meetings and learn how to estimate
how long a particular task will take.
However, when it comes to their
7. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." (AKA:
marriage or relationship, their abil-
Don't disturb a good rut.) ity to plan grinds to a halt. Often
people use particular skills at work
(communication skills, prioritizing,
Here's a guaranteed passion-drain that you should watch out
scheduling, etc) that would be useful
for (see if what follows seems familiar to you): You (or your if used in their romantic relation-
partner) resist any change or initiative that might add zest to ship. But they don’t make the leap
and instead labor under the assump-
your relationship; you prepare the same meals, eat at the same
tion that work skills are only useful
restaurants, use the same exact script each time you make at work. If this applies to you, think
love, and you rarely carve out alone-time for you and your about what you'll need to do to
transfer the skills that aid you at
spouse/partner. And the scary thing is you might not even be
work to your marriage/relationship.
aware that you hold this mindset. I call this the "maybe next
time" attitude (a slightly different version is the "another
time…" attitude).
Here's how this works:
"Hi honey, a new restaurant opened, you want to call Cindy and Larry and check it
out?"
"Maybe next week…"
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"Doesn't this new adult ed. class sound great? You want to go with me?"
"I'm so busy right now, another time…"
"It's beautiful out today. Want to go for a quick walk?"
"I'll pass. Maybe next time…"
In these above examples, one partner is attempting to try something new or different
and the other person is rejecting the offers and resisting the effort. Of course, you're
not going to always be in the mood when your spouse/partner suggests that you join
him/her in some activity or adventure. But, unfortunately, these "maybe next time"
and "another time" responses sometimes become so habitual that they reflect an
ingrained and chronic response-pattern that permeates the relationship.
One way to test whether this mindset is taking hold of your relationship is to monitor
each and every time you pass on a new suggestion/offer from your partner (s/he should
do the same kind of monitoring).
Self-awareness action step:
Over the next couple of months, document all the times you decline an offer (from your
partner or from friends) to help get a better sense of the pervasiveness of this mindset.
Simply write down the date, what the offer was, and whether you accepted or declined
the offer. To make it a little more interesting, you can even include the tasks you
wanted to do (and committed to) and then reversed your decision on to see if you have
a pattern of false start-ups. Note whether you had to back out of proposed plans due to
circumstances beyond your control (i.e., the baby got sick) versus the more general
kind of declines (i.e., always seeming to be tired when faced with something new or the
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“just didn’t feel like it” excuse).
After two months, count up all the times you "accepted" and "declined" an offer. If the
number of times “no” appears on your tally outnumbers the number of times “yes”
appears, then this mindset might be eroding passion and excitement in your
relationship, even though you weren’t aware of it before you
began monitoring yourself. For a moment think back to when
you first met and fell in love with
your spouse/partner. Was frequent
touch a natural part of your relation-
8. "Why bother touching each other if it isn't going to ship then? I'd imagine it was. The
next time you're around a couple in
lead to sex?"
the throes of new love, take a mo-
ment to observe the natural flow of
This mindset is more common then you might think. Too touch that occurs between them (the
couple might not even be aware of
many couples touch one another only when they want or
how much they are touching each
expect sex—unfortunately these couples are omitting a very other). Unbeknownst to the couple,
powerful form of communication. Nonsexual touch is a they are deepening their emotional
bond through the frequent use of
powerful way to increase intimacy and boost sensuality.
touch.
Inundated with nerve endings, the skin is the largest organ of
your body. Research shows that infants need touch in order to
thrive physically and psychologically. But adults need to be touched too! The pleasure
centers of your brain are activated through touch. Touch increases the emotional
connection couples feel and it can have a calming effect on people (this is why
massages are so popular as a means of stress-reduction).
Self-Assessment Action Step:
For one week monitor the frequency of touch in your marriage or relationship (each
day note how often you and your partner touch one another).
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After the week, think about the ways in which touch is used in your relationship and
answer the following questions:
How are your feelings of love expressed through touch?
Are you receptive to your spouse/partner's touch communications? If so, describe how
his/her touch makes you feel:
If you are unreceptive to your spouse/partner's touch, why do you think this is the
case?
What steps can you and your partner take to increase touching one another? How can
you keep this touch commitment a regular part of your marriage/relationship?
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9. The "why bother?" mindset
A close relative to the "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," this mindset is more
pervasive and often impacts all areas of one's relationship. In particular, there are two
passion-destroying beliefs that many couples end up endorsing.
"Nothing will ever change, so why bother trying?"
And/or:
"We've been together for so many years, it's useless trying anything different."
Since you’re reading this module, you clearly want to increase passion rather than
decrease it. Understanding the kinds of beliefs that stand in the way of passion will
help you create a pro-passion and intimacy mindset. Let's turn our attention in that
direction.
Self-assessment action step:
It's important to learn about your blocks: the internal hurdles that prevent you from
reaching your goals. In this case we're focusing on your goals to create greater passion
and deepen intimacy, and your mental hurdles that resist taking the necessary steps to
move forward. It's common for people to have goals they'd really like to reach, yet come
up against internal resistances that make goal-attainment unlikely. This becomes even
more complex when your goals involve other people (e.g., deepening intimacy with
your spouse/partner).
Complete the following statements to help you assess whether any internal hurdles
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exist (focus on your relationship while responding and write whatever comes first to
your mind—in other words, don't screen your responses):
When I think about trying something new, I feel______________________.
For my marriage/relationship to improve, I need

to_____________________________________________________.
The last time I tried to make a difference in my marriage, my

partner_________________________________________________.
The one thing that stands in my way of trying something new is___________
______________________________________________________.
To believe that change is possible, I need to ________________________.
I'm more likely to try something new when_________________________.
For me, change is__________________________________________.
To believe change is possible, my spouse/partner needs to

______________________________________________________.
Now it's time to examine your responses. Highlight any responses/reactions that are
anti-change—responses that would stand in the way of you developing an action plan
for change in your marriage/relationship.
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What stands out for you in these responses?
For a moment, close your eyes and reflect on these anti-change responses (mentally sit
with these responses for several minutes). As you hold them in your conscious mind,
note how the different parts of your body feel (take your time with this) and when
you're finished, write what you've observed/experienced below:
Describe what your mood and energy is like while you invite these responses into full
awareness:
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Now it's time to go back to your sentence-completion answers and review and highlight
your pro-change responses--any responses that indicate that you are ready and willing
to move forward.
In this exercise you're attempting to What stands out for you about these responses?
fully access any anti-change beliefs
and mindsets that may exist. It's
important to become fully aware of
these beliefs for the following rea-
son: Your mental hurdles exert a
tremendous influence over you,
whether you’re aware of it or not.
Often, these hurdles are like the wiz-
ard, hiding behind the curtain of
your awareness, pushing and pulling
you in directions that may differ For a moment, close your eyes and reflect on these pro-change
widely from your conscious goals responses (mentally sit with these responses for several
and values. When you lift the curtain
minutes): As you hold them in your conscious mind, note how
and shine the light of awareness on
your hurdles, you've taken an impor- the different parts of your body feel. When you're finished,
tant step forward toward reaching write what you've observed below:
your goals.
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Describe what your mood and energy is like while you invite these pro-change
responses into full awareness:
Note the balance between pro-

change and anti-change beliefs and
feelings that you may hold. If your
pro-beliefs are more prominent, you
Do you ever lose sight of these pro-change beliefs? If so, list may find that you are able to move
forward and try new things to keep
the steps you can take to make them a part of your day—the your marriage/relationship moving
more accessible your pro-change beliefs are, the more forward.
motivated you'll be to follow through on your goals. In the

To keep your motivation high and
space below, list three steps you're willing to take to integrate your relationship progressing, con-
a pro-change mindset more fully into your life (e.g., “send tinue to rehearse your pro-change
myself a phone message describing my pro-change beliefs and responses in order to keep you moti-
vated—this is especially important
listening to the message once a day”): on those days you feel frustrated
with your partner and/or start feel-
1. ing discouraged about the relation-

ship. This will help you build up
"motivation credits" that will get you
2. through the tough times that all rela-
tionships face.
3.
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10. The anticipation of failure/rejection mindset
Passion and emotional intimacy require a certain relationship atmosphere—an

atmosphere that fosters mutual trust and a feeling of acceptance. Whenever you
attempt to become more passionate and closer to your partner, you place yourself in a
vulnerable position. In essence, you are taking a risk by giving the other person control
over whether to accept or reject you (even a glimpse of indifference from your partner
can be quite painful after you've opened yourself up emotionally to him/her). Any
reaction by your spouse/partner that shames or embarrasses you can really set the
relationship back.
Relationship Rule: Passion and/or deep emotional intimacy can only occur when
you and your spouse/partner allow yourselves to be vulnerable—passion requires a
carefree abandon. Fear will always prevent you from becoming vulnerable with your
partner—in other words, fear is the death-knell to passion and intimacy.
Meet Cathy and Tim: a glimpse at the sting of rejection
“Tim is a really good husband but he was a jerk as a boyfriend. If I didn't believe in
him, we wouldn't even be together.” Cathy described the first two years of their
relationship: Tim was unreliable and, at times, downright mean. According to her, it's
remarkable how much he's changed. If you ask Tim about these early years, he'd say
that he was “immature” or “oblivious,” but for Cathy the important point is that for the
last seven years of their marriage, he's redeemed himself. But the emotional scars of
one wound still impact Cathy, though to a lesser degree as the years go by.
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Cathy described this painful experience: "It was our second Valentine’s Day together
and I wanted to surprise Tim, so I bought a sexy outfit and I was wearing it when he
came over…At first he didn't even say anything. Then he turned to me and said
something about having a bad day and not being in the mood. I felt like such an idiot.
Here I am, wearing the skimpy outfit that I thought he'd like and he wouldn't even give
me the time of day...I'm still wary about initiating sex. And I'll never do anything like
that again! I made a promise to myself that I would never place myself in that kind of
position again. I was really humiliated."
Even though she might not have been aware of it at the time, Cathy became vulnerable
and took a risk—one that could have led to great passion and intimacy but instead led
to rejection, shame and humiliation. Anyone who has experienced this level of rejection
knows first-hand how devastating it can be.
All couples face (to some degree) the same dilemma: To create a deep and meaningful
connection with your spouse/partner, you must take a risk and walk the tightrope of
vulnerability. Those who avoid this risk sacrifice intimacy for the sake of self-
protection; and for those who take the risk, the potential gift of a deep and meaningful
connection with your partner awaits.
In circumstances where rejection is likely, the expectation of failure/rejection is

adaptive: You protect yourself from the likelihood of a real danger. But when your
spouse/partner is supportive and kind (and wants you to share all of yourself in the
relationship), the "expectation of failure" mindset prevents opportunities for a
meaningful connection. Why would this happen?
You (or your partner) may struggle with deep-seated fears of rejection because of
highly distressing experiences in previous relationships. You may resist intimacy
because of the emotional residue stemming from difficult childhood events, as well as
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the impact of previous romantic relationships that were traumatic (abusive

relationships). Whatever circumstances lead to this mindset, it may be that these
beliefs are outdated and don't adequately take into account the realities of your current
relationship (again, assuming that your spouse/partner is supportive, compassionate,
and has your best interests in mind).
But I'm just not attracted to him anymore!
Lindsey was baffled and distressed by her admission that she is no longer attracted to
her husband James. "He used to turn me on and I honestly don't know what happened.
But it really bothers me…Of course I'll never tell him that. My best friend tells me I
should just have an affair. I don't want to hear that but I do feel trapped. I don't know
what to do."
Unfortunately, Lindsey isn't alone. There are many couples who at some point in time
in their relationship not only lose the spark of passion, but also don't feel attracted to
their spouse/partner any longer. There are several reasons why someone might not feel
attracted to their partner. But it's important to note that there is a significant difference
between being with someone you once were attracted to (and this attraction has been
lost), versus being with someone you never found attractive.
The more Lindsey described her relationship and her feelings for James, the more the
pieces of the puzzle fell into place about her current lack of attraction for him. While
she once found James sexually desirable, over the course of their four-year marriage,
James started to act in ways that made him pretty unattractive. In fact, it turns out that
Lindsey stopped liking James around the same time she stopped being attracted to
him. The dynamic of loving someone you don't like is a real problem in many
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marriages and long-term relationships.
The importance of LIKE in your marriage or relationship
Adults seem to focus more on the experience of the love than

like. It's implied that if you are heading down the path of love,
I have found that in my work with
you already like the person. But the reality is that it is possible couples, feelings of like and dislike
to love someone yet dislike them at the same time (ask the are strongly related to feelings of
attraction and desirability. One of
parent of many a teenage child, for example).
the first questions I ask someone
who says that s/he isn't attracted to
Does your spouse or partner still like you? And, just as their partner any longer is:
important, do you still like your spouse or partner?

On a scale from 1 to 10, how much
do you like your partner?
It is very difficult to feel drawn to

Although it might not be the stuff of Hollywood movies, falling
and connected with someone you no
in like (and out of like) is an important part of your romantic longer want to spend any time with.
journey and an important part of a sustainable, fulfilling long-
term relationship. Couples who get into trouble fall out of like
long before they fall out of love--often without realizing it. For some reason, the
importance of liking one another is overlooked once love takes over the romantic
landscape—this is a significant relationship faux pas.
You can still love your partner while having momentary lapses in like--couples argue
and fight all the time (and rarely like each other in these moments), but at the end of
the day love and commitment remain intact. As one wife recently said to her husband
during a counseling session, "You’re lucky I love you, because right now I can't stand
you!"
But you shouldn't be fooled into thinking that love is all you need—It’s just as
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important that you and your partner like each other (most of the time, anyway). When
like totally vanishes, the safety net of love is in danger of eroding—and passion and
intimacy are usually the first casualties of a lack of like.
Momentary lapses in liking your partner is one thing—completely “falling out of like”
is entirely another.
Take the necessary steps to keep like alive
When couples are first dating, they make it a habit to put their best foot forward. These
efforts are directed toward increasing their likeability factor. Just think back for a
moment when you were first dating your partner/spouse. Even if you both had a
natural, magnetic chemistry, you probably didn't just rely on this mystical attraction.
I’m betting you exerted extra effort to get your partner to like you.
Do you continue to act in ways that make you likeable?
People often choose their friends because they like them. When you like another
person, the relationship remains interesting and fun. Liking someone brings out the
best in you. It’s human nature to distance yourself physically and emotionally from
someone you don’t like. Time and time again I hear couples talk about feeling trapped
in their relationship—still in love and committed to one another, but they don’t find
things to like about each other anymore. When this occurs, they begin to close
themselves off emotionally from each other. No wonder they might not find each other
attractive!
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Questions to Ponder:
What have you done recently to prevent this from happening to your relationship?
Describe in detail how can you make liking each other as much of a priority as loving
each other:
If you have trouble answering the above question, think about and describe how you
acted at the beginning of your relationship (when you were motivated to get your
partner to like you). What specific things did you do?
Think of it this way: If you don’t like someone, what’s the point of waiting around for
love to strike? And this is applicable to people already in loving relationships: don’t let
love become a type of blind loyalty for you. Remember all the things you first liked
about your partner (before you began loving him/her). Celebrate those things regularly
so you can keep like alive in your marriage or relationship. This provides the dual
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benefit of keeping your partner a unique individual in your eyes, as well as

strengthening the love between you.
Often, a breakdown in communica- Remember: like isn’t just a precursor to love as so many
tion, built-up resentments and unre-
people erroneously believe; like is a powerful way to nurture
solved conflicts contribute to a loss
of passion and intimacy. When these and sustain long-lasting love.
conditions are present, it is impera-
tive that you and your spouse/
The issue of liking your partner points to a common theme
partner learn the skills needed for
effective communication—see The throughout this module: what happens outside of the
ABCs of Effective Communication bedroom has a profound effect on what occurs in the
module. If your and your partner's
bedroom. So if you find that the spark of attraction you once
best efforts continuously lead no-
where, seeking professional help felt toward your partner is nowhere to be found, don't panic.
may be in order. The first step is for you and your partner to develop a plan
together to start nurturing the vital parts of your relationship.
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Chapter 10
The Role of Fantasy in Your Sex Life
You're probably tired of hearing me repeat this message, but it's so important and so
many of the couples I work with lose sight of this truism, so I have to say it one more
time:
The most important sex organ is between your ears.
That's right, your mindset and imagination can make all the difference between a ho-
hum sex life and one that you find exciting and fulfilling. Early in this module, we
explored how fantasy can add a dash of zest to your relationship. But there are times
when the use of fantasy can be overdone and work against intimacy rather than
bringing you and your partner together.
Fantasies can be categorized as sexual and non-sexual. Picturing oneself as president of

a particular country or being the greatest sports figure of all time are lofty, non-sexual
fantasies. A less lofty, non-erotic fantasy might involve thinking about asserting
yourself with coworkers or living in a particular neighborhood.
For the purpose of this module, we're focusing more on the role of sexual-erotic
fantasy.
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When fantasies become a problem
Ed and Brenda have been married for nine years. Both describe their marriage as
fulfilling and generally happy, and they experience the typical ups and downs that
many couples face. They report that they share a good, solid sex life, and--as in all
relationships--the passion between them ebbs and flows with the tides of life.
However, Ed has a secret that weighs heavily on him: He fantasizes about other
women.
Ed doesn't fantasize all the time--just some of the time. But sometimes he thinks of
other women (real or imagined) while he makes love to Brenda. He was relieved to hear
that it's normal to periodically fantasize about other people. And he knows that he
doesn't want to have an affair, and that most of his sexual energy is directed toward
Brenda.
Should Ed be concerned that his fantasy life means his marriage is in trouble?
Not necessarily…
The role of fantasy in long-term relationships
We are sexual beings and research shows that many people with healthy marriages and
relationships fantasize -- in a healthy way.
As I discussed earlier, fantasy can be used as a tool to enrich your sex life. It can
increase passion by adding a dash of eroticism that may be temporarily lacking in your
relationship. So when you periodically fantasize, you're relying on a safe and creative
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way to refuel your sexual energy.
Different uses of fantasy
~Some people rely on fantasy to overcome certain inhibitions. For instance, someone
who feels embarrassed about asking their partner to try a new sexual position, or to
incorporate erotic talk into love making, might fantasize about carrying out these
different, unexplored activities while having sex.
~Fantasy can act as a momentary escape from the pressures and responsibilities of
daily life.
~A good imagination can allow you the opportunity to feel free and expand your erotic
self.
~Fantasy can be used as a trial run of sorts, a mental rehearsal that allows you to
prepare for something you are going to attempt in the world.
~Some use fantasy to boost self-esteem. Within the story of your fantasy, you might
take center stage in a way that makes you feel better about yourself. This may explain
why fantasies often involve the doting supermodel or movie star who cannot get
enough of you.
The fantasy danger zone: when fantasy replaces intimacy.
Like all pleasures in life, the use of fantasy can be overdone. If you find yourself
needing to fantasize most of the time in order to become aroused or to be physically
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intimate with your partner, fantasy has replaced reality. You've created a world where
other people (real or imagined) have taken the place of your partner. This level of
fantasy indicates that there is trouble in paradise--something
maybe lacking in your marriage or relationship and/or you
Ideally, fantasy can be used as a tool
to enhance the connection you feel might be struggling with unfinished emotional business that
with your spouse/partner; it should- prevents you from being emotionally intimate with your
n't act as a replacement for intimacy.
partner.
This kind of escapism, if continu-
ously relied upon, might indicate
larger issues at work that need to be
addressed.
There might be many reasons why you feel the need to escape
from your partner through the use of fantasy. Communication
problems (you are unable to communicate your sexual needs
and desires) and/or sexual incompatibility are just two possible explanations. Some
questions to reflect on from time to time:
What role is fantasy playing in my marriage/relationship?
Is fantasy being used to enhance intimacy or flee from a connection with my partner?
Why do I think this is the case?
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If I stopped fantasizing, what would be lost?
If I stopped fantasizing, what would be gained?
Back to Ed
So let's give Ed our verdict: Because he doesn't act on his fantasies, because his
fantasies don't interfere with his daily life, and because his wife is still the center of his
erotic and emotional world, Ed's relationship is not threatened by his periodic flights
into fantasy.
Some final thoughts
Couples who have been together for some time often report a decline in the frequency
of love-making. For many, the intense and omnipresent sexual desire that was once a
tenant in their relationship has packed up and relocated without leaving a forwarding
address. This can occur naturally for both parties, thereby causing the couple little
concern or distress. Problems can arise if there is a disproportionate reduction of one
partner’s passion.
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Remember, it is fairly typical and considered natural for a certain level of passion to
dissipate in your relationship. When you first entered your relationship, powerful
chemicals in your brain were released that led to intense feelings of euphoria and
excitement. This led you to feel consumed with your relationship and you may have
wanted to spend every waking moment with your partner. Did people yell for you and
your lover to “get a room” because of the constant displays of affection? With the
passage of time, your brain returned to a more balanced, less extreme state of
existence--so the infatuation you felt slowly began to melt, hopefully into a more
manageable, balanced, deep and abiding love for your partner.
Aside from the naturally occurring relationship-equilibrium that nudged the intensity
of your passion away from the early extremes, there are other factors that can wear
away at passion, factors that may be within your control. There is no reason why your
relationship should be devoid of passion.
Some points to keep in mind:
~Passion, sex and intimacy are intensely personal experiences and only you (and your
partner) know what is and isn't working in your marriage or relationship. Some
couples are totally satisfied with less frequent but more intense periods of sexual
activity (e.g., one intense love-making event per week). Others have more frequent sex
(e.g., multiple times per week). The intensity and passion when you do make love will
vary. You probably won't see fireworks every time you and your spouse/partner make
love, and learning to accept this fact is an enormous step in aligning your expectations
with reality.
~Many couples report that their level of sexual passion occurs in waves or cycles.
Passion’s peaks and valleys appear to be quite common.
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~Research shows that relationships go through a series of stages that can impact the
quality of passion and intimacy in your relationship. For instance, it is common to have
less interest in sex after having a child. The dependency and needs of children absorb
an enormous amount of time and energy, often leaving little left in the way of sexual
desire. The priorities within your relationship shift and re-shift on an as-needed basis.
~Many external factors, such as work-related stress, financial pressures, and the like
can dampen your libido. This is very prevalent and throughout this module we focused
on different ways to manage stress and stay focused and present in order to sow the
seeds of passion and intimacy.
~Untreated medical and psychiatric conditions (such as clinical depression) can have a
negative impact on your libido or affect your sexual functioning in other adverse ways.
Seek your doctor’s advice if you suspect a medical or psychiatric condition.
~The quality of your relationship is directly proportionate to how connected you feel
with your partner. For many, sexual passion is an extension and expression of
emotional intimacy. For instance, if you feel that an important issue between you and
your partner has not been resolved, you probably won’t feel the desire to tear his/her
clothes off and make love for hours. Unresolved anger, hurt, resentments and a
breakdown in basic trust can all stand between you and your partner. These issues
need to be addressed and worked through before the pathways of passion and intimacy
can be traveled. Generally, if you and your partner feel emotionally attuned to each
other (just being on the same playing field may be enough), you're more likely to be
open toward putting in the time and effort required for passion and intimacy to grow.
~Take gender differences seriously. You may have very different passion buttons than
your lover. Whatever the makeup of your relationship, be mindful that you and your
partner may get sexually worked up by different experiences. Discovering what makes
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your spouse or partner feel connected to you is a priority that should not be minimized.
Communication is the vehicle to finding out what does and doesn't work for your
partner inside and outside the bedroom. Rule of thumb: If you're not sure, ASK!
~You are setting yourself up for a big disappointment if you believe that intense desire
is supposed to arise naturally and automatically throughout the entire life of your
relationship. Understand that there are two types of passion: Spontaneous and
effortful. At times passion may self-ignite and, at other times, you will need some
kindle, a few matches, several ounces of lighter fluid and a cord of firewood to get the
flames of passion burning brightly. Some of the most passionate couples I've worked
with work at it!
One last point about why sexual incompatibilities occur
When relationships are new, many couples often experience record levels of desire and
passion. Even people with low libidos are transformed into sexual dynamos and sex
becomes an important part of intimacy and the getting-to-know-each-other experience
(of course there are exceptions, where couples start sexually at a slow simmer rather
than a wildfire).
For many, passion and desire level off over the years, and the frequency of sex shifts
into a slower gear—it is often at this point that couples learn about any sexual
incompatibilities that may exist. Research shows that the hormone testosterone in both
men and women is correlated to sexual desire.
So if you have high levels of testosterone, you are likely a highly sexual person (easily
aroused and often ready to have sex). Sexual incompatibilities may result when couples
have differing levels of testosterone. For the high testosterone individual, arousal and
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desire are a constant companion that is easy summoned; the low testosterone person
enjoys sex but may not feel the need to have sex as often and may need lots of
preparation to get aroused.
So sexual incompatibilities can be based on biological differences in testosterone levels.
Here's a simple equation that the high-T (high testosterone) and low-T
person should keep in mind to help overcome any sexual incompatibilities:
High T: Desire & arousal leads to sexual activity
Low T: Sexual activity leads to desire & arousal
The high-T person is in a readied state for sex and does not need much prodding or
foreplay to get going; this is the direct opposite for the low-T individual.
If the low-T person waits to feel motivated to have sex, s/he will be waiting a long time
(and his/her partner will also be waiting). Desire and arousal follow sexual activity
(such as foreplay, caressing and sensual touch) for the low-T person.
What does this mean for your marriage or relationship?
To overcome any sexual incompatibilities that may exist in your relationship, you need
to compromise. Part of this compromise can involve the knowledge that the partner
with lower libido can become aroused and enjoy sex just as much as the partner with a
strong libido. However, you need to be patient: the high-T partner has to slow down
his/her need to sprint into sexual activity. Realize that the differences that exist
between you and your partner might be physical (hormonal). The job of the high-T
partner is to realize that the low-T partner will start off slowly and need to build sexual
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momentum. The job of the low-T partner is to commit to sex as an important part of
intimacy and the long-term health of the relationship.
Compromise Action Step:
What compromises are you willing to make to meet your spouse/partner halfway with
regard to passion and intimacy? Brainstorm some of your ideas below:
Ideally, you will use the information about hormonal differences to help you avoid the
power struggles and hurt feelings that often arise from sexual incompatibilities
between partners. It's easy to take it personally and feel rejected when your partner
says, "Not tonight, I'm not in the mood." Realize that "I'm not in the mood" might have
more to do with biological differences than anything else. Of course, there are non-
biological factors that can impact desire (and we’ve covered a great deal of them
throughout this module)—so don't forget to come back to the information again and
again as you and your partner work toward building and maintaining a deeper, more
passionate and intimate connection with one another.
Remember that great relationships create great lovers!
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~~~~~~
Congratulations on completing the Passion, Sex, and Intimacy module of the Healthy
Relationship Program! We've covered a great deal of information. Like all seven
modules in this program, the more time and effort you place in the exercises in the
workbooks and the more you and your partner attempt to integrate the information
into your marriage or relationship, the greater benefits you’ll enjoy.
I wish you and your partner great success and all the passion and intimacy you desire!
Page 172
About Dr. Richard Nicastro:
Richard Nicastro holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship and intimacy coach.
Over the past fifteen years he has helped hundreds of couples build stronger, more
fulfilling relationships. Dr. Nicastro has lectured at several universities and now
conducts workshops for couples on a wide range of issues. His relationship advice has
appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.
A member of the International Coach Federation, Dr. Nicastro is passionate about

coaching and believes that healthy relationships can add meaning and fulfillment to
our lives. His goal is to guide individuals and couples as they implement the skills that
will allow their relationships to flourish.
Dr. Nicastro has developed the Healthy Relationship Program, a comprehensive

workbook series designed for individuals and couples eager to acquire the essential
relationship tools needed to create a meaningful, lasting union.
You can reach Dr. Nicastro through his website:

www.StrengthenYourRelationship.com
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The Healthy Relationship Program:

A Workbook Series for Couples

Passion, Sex and Intimacy:

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D.

Published by Richard Nicastro

Copyright © 2008 by Richard Nicastro

Chapter 1: Passionate Sex: How to overcome boredom in the bedroom….. 1

Chapter 2: Assessing your sexual/passion scripts………………………………….. 9

Chapter 3: Passion 101: The essential passion principles……………………….. 27

Chapter 5: A match NOT made in heaven: Stress and passion………………. 71

Chapter 6: Sensuality 101: Fine-tune your senses………………………………….. 94

Chapter 8: A note on varied eroticism………………………………………………… 114

Chapter 9: Mindsets that can destroy intimacy……………………………………. 120

Chapter 10: The role of fantasy in your sex life……………………………………... 162

If you are in marriage or couples counseling, it is recommended that before

Welcome to the Healthy Relationship Program—a series of comprehensive workbooks

So, are you ready to begin?

In this module, you will discover:

~Why the art of teasing shouldn’t be limited to young love;

~How to become effective at teasing and creating sexual anticipation;

~How to become a more sensual lover;

~The pros and cons of fantasy in your sex life;

~and much more!

Passionate sex: How to overcome boredom in the bedroom

From Gwen, married twenty-two years:

From Jeremy, married almost nine years:

From Lauren, dating her boyfriend Austin for two-and-a-half years:

As the above quotes indicate, physical intimacy is a frequent casualty in many

Relationship Rule: The quality of your relationship outside the

physical intimacy becomes more meaningful as their partnership deepens). When

Blocks to sexual intimacy

~Hormonal changes associated with pre-menopause and menopause (it is estimated

Sex can be pretty complicated

The experience and expression of love through sex is the ideal

sex education isn't just about information—sex is an experiential, emotional and

How did you first learn about sex?

In what ways are you still impacted by these early events?

Assessing your Sexual Scripts

Childhood learning is similar to learning a script. Your parents/caregivers, siblings and

Here are some sexual scripts that people often hold:

~Sex is an important expression of love, affection and intimacy

~It's wrong to have physical/sexual needs and desires

What are your sexual scripts?

When I think about sex I______________________________________

When my spouse/partner and I make love, I_________________________

Sexually, I like it when my partner________________________________

To me, sex is all about________________________________________

The best part about making love is________________________________

Sex is an expression of________________________________________

The worse part about sex is_____________________________________

When I get sexually aroused, I___________________________________

Sexually, I don't like it when my partner____________________________

Love and sex are____________________________________________

If my spouse/partner and I couldn't have sex again, I'd

When I touch my spouse/partner's body, I feel________________________

After sex I________________________________________________

When I see my partner/spouse naked, I feel_________________________

When my partner/spouse sees me naked, I feel_______________________

When my partner is touching my body, I____________________________

My attitude toward my body is___________________________________

Pro-sex Script #1:

Pro-sex Script #2:

Pro-sex Script #3:

Pro-sex Script #4: