Sat, Feb 26

Met Stinky for lunch and it was nice seeing her but the whole time I couldn't
stop thinking about what happened yesterday and wondering what will happen when
I go down today. How can I hate something so much and want it at the same time?
I don't even know what I want. Do I actually want her to embarrass me again?
Yeah, I guess I do. Oh, I don't know.

It's almost 4:00 and I am getting more and more nervous. Maybe I like this.
But it all feels like things I don't like. Hey Marilyn, maybe you get turned on
by something you don't like. Like duh! Big news flash there. G_d, I am such a
freak.

Well I can't think of anything else to say so I guess I better go get ready.
___

I feel like I am sliding into a deep black hole. I watch myself take these
steps down knowing that I won't be able get out but not able to stop.

When I first got there she just said "hi" and then went back to watching tv like
I wasn't even there. I didn't know if I was supposed to make tea or sit down or
what so I just sort of stood there feeling awkward. Finally I just said "Well I
guess I will go make tea now" and she said "Oh thanks, Marilyn" like it was the
most normal thing in the world for me to come in to her apartment to make her
tea. After that it was the same as yesterday. She turned the tv off when I got
back with the tea and pried her shoes off and it was pretty clear that I was
supposed to rub her feet. So I did. I really felt like her maid. I liked
pretending that. But it makes me sick to my stomach that I just do what she
wants. I guess I like pretending it but it is just so embarrassing to actually
do it. To imagine what she must be thinking about me.

She didn't nurse Alyssa today. After a long time she just said "Thanks,
Marilyn" and asked me to take her empty cup so she could put her shoes back on.
That really made me feel like a servant who was being dismissed. Then she added
"See you tomorrow?" and for some reason that was just too much. Like she
somehow she knows that she can treat me like that and knows that I will come
back for more. It was like a wave of blush crashed over me and my heart started
pounding even harder and I got that ringing in my ears and I just couldn't face
her so I tried to leave with the tea tray and she said "Marilyn." in this firm
tone that told me to stop. It seemed like a long time that I just stood there
in the kitchen door trying not to drop the tray because I was shaking, trying to
make myself either keep going and get out of there or turn around and face her.
Finally she said "Marilyn?" again, like she was mother or a teacher talking to a
naughty child and I forced myself to say "yes" but I still couldn't turn around
and let her see how upset I was or look her in the eye.

"Will I see you tomorrow?"

I don't know why it was so hard to say "yes", but it was. I think it may have
taken me 2 or 3 minutes. But I was stuck. It was like I couldn't go until I
had answered her and if I said "yes" it was like this huge thing. And the
longer it took for me to answer the bigger a thing it was. I felt so stupid
standing there with my back to her holding that tray not answering her. And the
thing is, I could feel myself getting so wet which only made it more
embarrassing.

Well, I finally managed to make myself say "yes" just to get out of there, she
just said "great, see you tomorrow" like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing.
Her tone when she asked and the huge pause before I answered made it HUGE. Oh,
and that I didn't turn around to look at her and she waited for me to answer.
And I am not even sure what it meant. I guess it meant that she can expect me
to make her tea and rub her feet every day like I am her servant and that I will
just do it. And that she can talk to me like am a bad child and I will let her.
And will need to run home to use Kendal when she does. I didn't even care about
her stupid television, I needed it so bad. I mean, I pretend I ran up the
stairs to get away from her but I know what I was really running for.

The funny thing is, I only just realized now that it never even occurred to me
to say I wouldn't see her tomorrow.

Sun, Feb 27

Couldn't sleep all night. I feel like the idea of going back today is killing
me, but I know I will go. I wore out Kendal's batteries last night. I think I
better go get more before I go back there. Hah, who am I kidding, I am going to
go get them as soon as I finish my coffee and writing this. I think I am
becoming some kind of sex addict. I just keep thinking about what has happened
and it makes me feel so stupid, pathetic I guess, but I get so turned on and
Kendal seems to make both of those feel better. Then I just feel guilty but
somehow even that feels good. Maybe not so much guilty as dirty. Oh G_d, I am
just so screwed up!

I am still wondering how I am going to be able to go down and face her. I don't
know why it is so much worse than yesterday, but it is. maybe because it isn't
about rubbing her feet, it is about how she talks to me and looks at me and what
she thinks. And that every time I go it seems to be a little worse so I am
dreading what she will do today.

I think I really have to go get more batteries now. Nympho.

___

It wasn't so bad today. Basically the same as yesterday. It was still

embarrassing acting like her servant, but I guess I am getting used to it. Even
when she asked what time I will be coming tomorrow I just told her. Oh, when I
was taking the tray back out to the kitchen she said I had forgotten to wash
them yesterday. That was probably the most embarrassing thing today and even it
wasn't too cause I just went in the kitchen and washed it all. I mean I am
already making her tea like her servant so it isn't that big a deal to wash the
cup and teapot afterward. And she was still in the living room so she couldn't
see me. I did picture her laughing at me because I did it, but she could not
see me so it wasn't so bad.

Mon, Feb 28

Oh G_d, I went down after work expecting the same as the last couple of times,
but Ryan was there! I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to make her tea
with him there? She let me stand there for a minute feeling totally embarrassed
before she asked him if he wanted tea. "No thanks". "No thanks"?! I knew she
must have told him! How could I do those things with him there? It was hard
enough with just her! The whole time the kettle was on I was trying to make
myself tell them I had to go, but of course I didn't. So I made her tea and
took it out to her and she kicked off her shoes. I really did not want to do it
but she kept looking at me with this stern look with her eyebrow raised and then
looking at her foot and then back at me with me shaking my head trying to tell
her I didn't want to, trying to see out of the corner of my eye if Ryan was
watching. Finally she just said, "Marilyn, would you mind doing your reflexology
on me?" and somehow that made it okay for me to do it. I guess it made it more
like a favour then like she could just expect it. So I did it and then washed
up and left. Of course with them both watching tv I could hardly come up and
use Kendal, so that was frustrating, but I didn't NEED to like I did yesterday.
Still, I hope they get cable soon. Of course it only makes it better when I do
get to.

Tue, Feb 29

Ryan was at work today, thank goodness. Trish was wearing a skirt today and
while I was doing her feet I got really turned on imagining what she would think
if she caught me looking up it. Not that I had any interest in looking up her
skirt. I think if I was a lesbian I would want to and I really have no
interest. It just made me excited to imagine getting caught doing it. Maybe I
will do it some day, just so she can catch me. G_d, you are so weird, Marilyn.

Hey, I wonder if she is a lesbian? I mean, she obviously knows something is

going on. It just isn't normal to treat someone you just met the way she treats
me. Gross. I sure hope she never wants me to do anything. Yuck! Eeeww. That
is just SO disgusting.

When I was washing up she called in that Ryan is off again on Saturday and asked
if I wanted to come to dinner. I just know she is going to do something so I
said I thought I had something on and would have to check. So now I have to
decide what I want to do before I see her again. I feel like a moth with a
candle. I just know she is going to hurt me if I go but I want to go anyway.
But I don't want to go, too. Especially because Ryan is going to be there. I
wish I knew what to expect. Maybe I should see if Diane wants to get together.
Oh, but I want to find out what Trish is going to do. I mean part of me doesn't
want to know, but part of me can't wait to find out. I just hope it isn't too
bad. And I guess there is always the chance that she won't do anything. I
guess I'll go.