ADOLESCENCE: WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE

Sohema Rehan December 02, 2018

Everyone can’t be an high-achiever but parents and teachers want them to excel in all fields

While school-going teenagers present with a myriad of problems, it

has become an annual routine to come across at least two students
who are on the verge of breakdowns because they did not make it to
their coveted school councils. The gowns, the prestige, the power,
the impact on college applications: the desire to officially lead your
student body is immense. My degree in clinical psychology, and
work as counsellor in different capacities, has allowed me to come
across a wide range of socio-emotional issues in our cultural
context.

School seniors remain an inspiration for all of us: their swagger, their
achievements, their confidence — we have all secretly admired and looked up
to them for years. To say that they are our first role models would not be a
misnomer, and those wearing those authoritative gowns hold a special place.
They probably become the ultimate yardstick of the first measure of our first
success. Added to this personal fandom, is pressure from various teachers and
staff members.

“I am in grade eleven now. For the past two years, I had been constantly told
by my teachers that I am ‘head girl material’ and have a sure shot chance to
lead my school,” says Sania, a student in a leading educational institute in
Karachi. Sania’s selection was not to be based merely on her teachers’
recommendations but was to include nominations from students, teachers and
the school management, a process that is generally followed in most schools
now. Her teachers raised her expectations considerably but, unfortunately, the
management’s vote was not in her favour and she did not make the cut. The
result: extreme disappointment manifesting in symptoms of clinical anxiety
and depression.

The lines between motivating and pressurising

youngsters sometimes get blurred by well-meaning
adults
“I hate going to school now,” confides the teary-eyed teenager. When I look at
my friends who made it to the council, I feel extremely jealous, and don’t want
to hang out with them. My studies have also been affected even though I know
it’s a crucial year for me.”

High hopes from caregivers are a motivating factor for enhanced performance,
but the flip side is the pressure that youngsters like Sania face due to high
expectations. The disappointment that comes with a failure to achieve is not
always easy to take. While the best strategy is to move on, youngsters may find
it difficult to do so. The emotional pressure that comes with dealing with the
disappointment sends them spiralling down. “So do we just stop giving our
students goals to achieve?” asks Saad, a teacher in Sania’s school. “In my
opinion, goal directedness has to be steered with the right choice of words,”
says Rubina Feroz, a senior clinical psychologist. “‘Try your best, work hard
and hope for the best’ is the recipe I recommend,” says the associate professor
of psychology at Karachi University.

For various life situations, Feroze’s mantra is the best strategy but in the
context of winning a once-in-a lifetime school election, there is no going back.
An athlete can try harder next time for a lost match, a student can study more
for the next test but there is no coming back to being the student head of your
school. Hence, functional supporters such as teachers and, in many cases,
parents root for their children to achieve a bigger responsibility instead of
being cheerleaders.
Preparing youngsters for all eventualities and supportive flexibility are key life
skills that have to be imparted to them. “All my friends worry a lot before
parent-teacher meetings, because they fear their parents’ reactions,” smiles
12-year-old Saad, who is among the top students of his class in a top tier
school in Karachi. “I, however, don’t worry at all, because my parents don’t say
anything if I don’t do well,” he adds.

Saad is neither an underachiever nor a book worm. He gets admirable grades

and is one of the best athletes in his schools. His mother’s mantra: always be
there for your children to the best of your ability but don’t forget that failure is
an important learning curve in life also resulting in better life-coping skills,
according to experts. Saad is the polar opposite of 17-year-old Bilal, a college
student. “When my O’ Level result came, my father a professor, and mother, a
teacher, said they expected me to do better,” says Bilal. “I tried my best, I
helped them at home, did whatever is possible for them, didn’t waste time
with friends nor was careless with money, but they are never happy with me,”
he laments. His grades were five As and four A stars.

The difference in a caregiver’s approach can be a make-or-break factor for

youngsters. Everyone is capable of making mistakes — elders and their
progeny. But resilience and a desire to get up and cope with life situations
needs grit, one of the most important psychological qualities in current
literature or emotionality. It is a key predictor for success.

*names have been changed for privacy

The writer has a degree in Clinical Psychology and certificate training in Art
Therapy

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 2nd, 2018