Knights of the

Dinner Table
TM

No.11
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN

WHEN IN DOUBT ...HACK!!!

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Whether you’re looking to spice up a pre-existing campaign or don’t need

the depth of resources offered by the complete Kingdoms of Kalamar ™
fantasy campaign setting, the individual resource books offer a cost effec-
tive way to put that extra spark into any gaming world. Just like the rest of
the Kalamar line, they are suitable for any rules system, including, but not
limited to HackMaster™ and Advanced Dungeons and Dragons®*.

The Kingdoms of Kalamar™ The Kingdoms of Kalamar™

volume II: volume I:
Mythos of the Divine and Worldly Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands

Mythos of the Divine and Worldly Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands

This 88 page guidebook painstakingly describes
the 44 deities and religions of Tellene. Volume
II also includes details on Tellene’s major secret
organizations, rune-sets for 11 languages,
constellations, astronomical marvels and an
all-inclusive eight page index. $10.95
This 100 page tome details the history of the
peoples and nations of Tellene. From the depths of
the mysterious Vohven Jungle to the vast savanna of
the Drhokker horse-lords, this book describes every
kingdom, race and topographical feature of
Kalamar’s world. $11.95

Kingdoms of Kalamar Deluxe Boxed Set $29.95

In addition to both of the campaign sourcebooks (Mythos of the
Divine and Worldly and Sourcebook of the Sovereign Lands), the
Kingdoms of Kalamar boxed set contains two gorgeous 24” x 36” full
color maps depicting the lands of Tellene. These maps are printed
on extra heavy stock and have been recognized as the finest fan-
tasy maps on the market. A hex grid overlay is provided to protect
these treasures.

*Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast. Use of this trade-
mark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the Sovereign
Lands, HackMaster and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.
 Knights of the
KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the Dinner Table #11
“When In Doubt — Hack!”
September, 1997
_______________
Dinner Table TM

“When in Doubt—Hack!”
© Copyright 1997, Kenzer and
Company, All Rights Reserved.
Knights of the Dinner Table™
magazine is published monthly by
Kenzer and Company.
Subscriptions: A one year By Jolly R. Blackburn
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US $50.00 Overseas).
To subscribe, send a check or
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Back Issues: Back issues and
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Hack!, CattlePunk SpaceHack,
KODT, Hack Master, Gary
Jackson Files, the Kenzer and Co.
Logo, and all prominent
characters and likenesses thereof
are trademarks of Kenzer and Co.
Mailing Address: Kenzer and
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Send a S.A.S.E. for writer’s
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 Editorial of a Madman
“It is a sad truth! There is no honor among collectors”
Disgruntled KODT collector.
CRIES FROM THE ATTIC
going to hit the stands a few weeks late. Computer

T
heir sad faces lined up at our booth all through
the summer convention season. You could see it
in their eyes as they desperately scanned the back
issues of Knights of the Dinner Table at the booth. They
were part of the growing group of readers we fondly
refer to as the ‘newbies’ here at KenzerCo - unfortunates
who only recently discovered the strip and were now
scrambling to complete their collections.
After taking inventory of the available issues at the
booth they would move in closer and almost whisper the
question, “Do you have any Issue number one’s tucked
away?” Those of us who worked the booth would shake
our heads sadly, apparently sympathetic to the plight of
those beating the bushes for that rare, first issue.
All through the summer, however, I felt a twinge of
guilt. You see, I was harboring a dark seceret. For many
months I’ve been hoarding away my own selfish stash
of KODT #1’s. I’m ashamed to admit it but I squirreled
away ten issues for my personal collection. Seven of
those issues I recently gave to the other share-holders at
KenzerCo after months of badgering and interrogation.
I figure I can justify keeping two issues. One as a
collectible and one as a personal reading copy. But what
to do with the third copy? At GenCon someone
suggested that I give it up as the grand prize in some sort
of contest. It seemed like the only fair way of getting it
into the hands of the right person.
Look for an annoucement in a future issue of KODT
of a contest, probably a KODT trivia quiz of sorts. The
winner will receive that highly coveted issue number 1.
So if you missed out on issue number 1, here’s a chance
to get one. Watch for further details!!
Speaking of guilt, I’m afraid this issue of KODT is
problems coupled with a busy convention schedule and a
touch of lazy-day fever took their toll.
I was summoned before the KenzerCo High Council a
few days ago and willing took my flogging. I was also
forced to endure a second trial-by-ordeal. I was forced to
walk to Yellow Knife Lake in Canada to dig up a variety
of wild shrubbery with my bare hands. Then I had to
carry the shrubbery to Dave Kenzer’s house and plant
them around The Great Gazebo in his back yard. Just as I
was about to leave, Dave emerged from the Gazebo’s
gaping jaws wearing a Masters of the Universe printed
curtain in toga fashion and holding a dead herring.
He was just about to order me to cut down a tree with
the herring when I managed to over-power him by
pummeling him senseless with a tin of Spam. (And they
wonder why I refuse to move to Chicago to be closer to
the home office). I’m sure Dave has his own version of
the story but fortunately he dosen’t have the space in the
comic to present it.
Enjoy the issue at hand. As always, I look forward to
your letters and comments.
Until next time!
Jolly R. Blackburn
August 24, 1997

HEY TY!!! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO??? I THOUGHT WE AGREED TO CHARGE THE DRAGON
ON THE COUNT OF THREE?? I’M STANDING IN FRONT OF OL ROT GUT ALL ALONE HERE!!!

I HAD SECOND THOUGHTS AT THE LAST MINUTE. I REMEMBERED AN OLD

TY, YOU COULD HAVE
RULE-OF-THUMB I LEARNED AT THE HACKMASTER ACADEMY. IF YOU
MENTIONED THAT TO DAVE
MULTIPLE A DRAGON’S LENGTH IN FEET BY THE NUMBER OF TEETH YOU
BEFORE HE RUSHED INTO
HAVE A FAIR APPROXIMATION OF HIS TOTAL HIT POINTS. I FIGURE IT’S
THE DRAGON’S LAIR?
AROUND 2500 HITPOINTS. DOING SOME QUICK MATH I REALIZED THAT EVEN
IF WE BOTH ROLLED CRITICAL HITS THE BEST WE COULD DO IN DAMAGE HMMMM. I WAS GUESSING
WOULD BE 975 POINTS!! AN EXERCISE IN FUTILITY. 2496 HITPOINTS. BUT YOU
WOW!!! YOU WERE ONLY FIVE HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, TY.
HIT-POINTS OFF!!! I’M
WRITING THAT RULE DOWN.
 Our Readers Talk Back!
Dear KODT,
Just wanted to say it was a real thrill to see KODT
flying off the table at GENCON. It's my opinion that it
was the hottest selling product at the show. I literally
couldn't turn around with out seeing someone with a
stack of KODT comics in their hands and a big smile on
their face.
I have a story to relate. We were sitting up late
Saturday night in our hotel room reading the comic books
out loud. We were packed. (11 guys in one room). My
friend Eric was lying in bed reading Agent of Evil and he
was giving each character a unique voice and really
putting emotion into his reading.
We were dying. The whole room was exploding with
laughter when suddenly there came a pounding from the
wall from our neighbors who were getting upset at the
noise. We tried to keep it down but the laughter level
kept going right back up. Finally there was a knock at the
door and this groggy, blurry eyed guy was standing there.
Instead of saying, "Can you keep the noise down." he
raised his hands and said, "What in the hell are you guys
laughing at?"
Eric held up the Knights of the Dinner Table comic
and the guy just smiled and said, "Oh....okay." That was
that. No further explanation needed.
At one point in the story we I was laughing so hard I
couldn't breathe. Then I hear my friend Brett cry out,
"Damn it! I just wet my pants." Almost in perfect unison
three other guys cried out, "ME TOO!!" I guess you had
to be there. I can't think of anything, ANYTHING that
has made me laugh so hard so frequently.
Keep up the good work. And keep us laughing.
Tony Ellis
via email
Thanks for the hilarious letter, Tony. We might have to
use, “Damn it! I just wet my pants!” as part of our
advertising campaign. Remember folks, drinking and
reading KODT doesn’t mix. Please wait 2 hours before
delving into an issue of KODT.
Jolly
Dear KODT,
In the dark ages of my gaming life, I was the DM over
two unrepentant munchkins who once asked me if they
could used experience garnered over the summer (when I
wasn't there) in regular game play. I said, "Sure,"
tentatively. As expected, they rolled out their 30th level
characters (I left them at 6th level). They had used TSR's
battle system and run rampant over the Dragonlance
modules. They told their loyal minions that if they
brought all the "items" to the characters, then they could
keep all the gold. One, an expert at math, used
probability to figure out how many items randomly found
on draconian bodies (according to treasure type) would
grant wishes. With these items, they boosted their stats
across the board, and went after the gods in the Deities &
Demigods book.
Needless to say, I told them to scrap that, and start
over as 1st level characters. One of them had picked up
Unearthed Arcana, and was enamored of the non-
weapon proficiencies. He asked if he could take Animal
Handling, and I figured that this was a non-threatening
ability, so I agreed.
TABLE TALK: READER MAIL
Then I pulled out good ol' B2, Keep on the
Borderlands. Both of them smiled sagely.
"What's up?" I asked.
"Well," Karl explained, "Anthony and I pooled our
resources, and bought a huge mess of dogs."
"Huge?"
"A pack of 50."
"And?"
"And he's trained them, so now we're leading them to
the dungeon, and letting them go, where they'll kill
everything in sight. When the smoke clears, we'll go in,
and loot the place. Then we'll buy more dogs, and look
for the next dungeon."
"And you've bought food for these animals?"
"Of course."
Amazing. The game hadn't even started, and they'd
already run roughshod over the module. I was certain
that I could monkeywrench their plan, so I allowed it.
Anthony even showed me the name of his character:
Mergog, Master of the Hordes. ("Hordes?" "Dog
Hordes." "Ah.")
So there they were, passing unhindered through all
the wilderness encounters. They reached the entrance
of the dungeon without depleting a single resource. In a
moment of inspired brilliance, I asked Anthony, "So
what are you feeding them?" My thinking was that iron
rations would be too expensive, and I could always spoil
normal rations.
"It's in the equipment list, under foodstuffs. The first
entry." He handed me the book. "Mead."
"Mead?"
"Yeah, it was really cheap, too."
"Do you know what mead is?"
"Um...no."
"It's basically beer."
"Oh."
"So you've been feeding your dogs beer for the last
two weeks?"
"I guess."
"Right. So all your dogs are either drunk or dead.
What are you doing?"
"Eating the dogs."
"Why?"
"Because we were eating the mead, too."
The next day, the two bought a dictionary.
Timothy Toner
Eating the mead? Isn’t that an old Dean Martin
tune?
Jolly
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??? HUH???
YOU CAN WRITE TO US VIA E-MAIL AT
J O L LY R B @ A O L . C O M ! !
OR YOU CAN SEND YOUR SNAIL MAIL TO
KO D T L ET T E R B O X
1003 MONROE PIKE
MARION, IN 46953
 Gary™ Jackson™’s®

CattlePunk

i t ion
d EdNDEDand es
A n l
not for WIMPS! 3r EXPling guter™ ru
t
Ga pMas
50% more mayhem than al
Sc
CattlePunk® 2nd Edition.
* some additional rulebooks supplementing the CattlePunk
manual may be necessary for proper game play ®
some minor contributions by Edmund Finley

® Legal Notice: CattlePunk®, ScalpMaster™, Hard 8 Hard 8 Enterprises ®

Enterprises®, What do you want to Hack today?™, Gary™ Jackson™’s® likeness, this ad and
associated artwork and typography, this magazine, and your thoughts and those of your friends,
associates, and family, are Trademarks, Copyrights, Patents, and Trade Secrets owned by Hard 8
Enterprises® [a subsidiary of Gary™ Jackson™®].
What do you want to Hack today?™
© 1997 Gary™ Jackson™®, artwork © 1984 Elmore Vallejo, an
artist wholly owned, body and soul, by Hard 8 Enterprises®.
The Empty Chair
SIX WEEKS HAVE PASSED OKAY GUYS, I TALKED WITH BOB TODAY AND THERE’S NO CHANGE
IN HIS SITUATION. I’M AFRAID HE’S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO
SINCE BOB’S DAD HAS GAME WITH US ANYTIME SOON. THEREFORE, I’VE DECIDED WE
FORBIDDEN HIM FROM SHOULD START LOOKING FOR BOB’S REPLACEMENT.
PLAYING HACKMASTER!!*
EVEN THOUGH BOB IS I PUT A NOTICE UP ON
SORELY MISSED, B.A. WEIRD PETE’S
BULLETIN BOARD THAT
HAS RELUCTANTLY WE ARE LOOKING FOR A
DECIDED THAT A NEW PLAYER.
REPLACEMENT MUST HOPEFULLY....

BE FOUND FOR BOB’S

EMPTY CHAIR.
“THE GAME MUST
GO ON¡¡”

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING I HATE TO ADMIT IT BUT I MISS THE LITTLE GUY!!
ABOUT? REPLACE BOB?? NEVER!!! IT’S JUST NOT THE SAME WITHOUT BOBBY-BOY
LOBBING BOLTS FROM HIS CROSSBOW.

I MISS BOB TOO, BUT I THINK B.A. IS RIGHT. WE

JUST UNTIL BOB
SHOULD FIND A REPLACEMENT FOR HIM
CAN MAKE IT BACK
UNTIL HE COMES BACK.
TO THE GAME.

THEN IT’S DECIDED. NEXT WEEK WE’LL BEGIN
INTERVIEWING REPLACEMENTS. OH....AND LET’S
NOT MENTION THIS TO BOB IF WE SHOULD
HAPPEN TO RUN INTO HIM. YOU KNOW HE WOULD
TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY.
WELL, IF WE HAVE TO FIND A REPLACMENT WE MIGHT AS
WELL DEMAND THE BEST. BRIAN, WHY DON’T YOU WORK UP A
CHECKLIST OF CRITERIA AND DESIRED TRAITS THAT WE CAN
USE AS PART OF THE SCREENING PROCESS.
I’LL BREAK IT DOWN INTO FOUR PARTS, RULE
MASTERY, DUNGEON TACTICS, GROUP
INTERACTION AND COMPATIBILITY.

GOOD IDEA!!

*See KODT #10: The Temp

5
THE FOLLOWING WEEK...
HI CODY!! DON’T MIND DAVE. I’M
AFRAID HE’S STILL NOT USED TO
THE IDEA OF REPLACING BOB.

HEY GUYS, I’D LIKE YOU HEY CODY, BEFORE WE

HEY CODY!! YOU’RE SITTING IN
TO MEET CODY WINKLE!! START THE GAME WE’D
THE CHAIR OF A GREAT MAN.
HE’LL BE JOINING US LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW
DON’T DISHONOR IT!!
FOR TONIGHT’S GAME. QUESTIONS.
HEY GUYS!

LET’S SAY YOU’RE RUNNING A FIFTH LEVEL OH MY!! SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY DREADFUL!!! TELL ME... WHAT’S MY
DWARVEN MAGE WITH FULL PSIONIC ABILITY, BUT MOTIVATION FOR THIS CHARACTER?? WHAT’S BROUGHT HIM TO THIS
OTHERWISE PRETTY MUCH A STANDARD DUNGEON?? I’M AFRAID I’LL NEED HIS BACKGROUND AND HISTORY.
CHARACTER WITH AVERAGE STATS AND SKILLS.
AND LET’S SAY YOU’RE ABOUT FIVE HOURS INTO A BACKGROUND?? WOW, A REAL ROLE-PLAYER!!!
STANDARD DUNGEON CRAWL WHEN SUDDENLY A HISTORY?? YOU’RE
MUTE-SCREACHER DROPS ON YOU FROM ABOVE. A DWARF!!! WHAT BOOM!! YER DEAD!!!
QUICK!!! WHAT DO YOU DO?? MORE DO YOU NEED THERE’S NO TIME FOR INWARD
TO KNOW?? REFLECTION IN THE DUNGEON!!

LATER THAT EVENING... WAAA?? (SPUTTER) WHAT THE HELL

OKAY THE GIANT LIFTS DAVE
OVER HIS HEAD AND IS ABOUT TO
THROW HIM INTO THE LAVA PIT.
YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WITH A
CLEAR SHOT CODY. WHAT DO YOU
WANT TO DO??
ARE YOU DOING? GET BACK IN THERE AND
I JUST CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO PEPPER THE BASTARD WITH ARROWS!!
HURT THE POOR CREATURE.
AFTERALL, WE INVADED HIS LAIR UNBELIEVABLE!! THANK YOU FOR
AND SLAUGHTERED HIS OFFSPRING. PLAYING CODY!!
I WITHDRAW FROM THE AREA. NEXT¡¡

6
THE FOLLOWING WEEK...
I’LL BE RUNNING A THIEF- WELCOME TO OUR
ALRIGHT TABLE, NEWT!!
ASSASSIN CALLED,
NEWT!! SOUNDS
SHADOWVEIN!!!
LIKE YOU’RE GOING
I WEAR A DARK CLOAK CALLED, HMMMM...I’LL DISPENSE
EVERYONE, THIS IS TO FIT RIGHT IN!!
REVENGE AND MY ONLY WITH THE STANDARD
NEWT FORAGER. HE’S FRIEND IS THE SAVAGE QUESTIONS. SOUNDS LIKE
GOING TO BE PLAYING CALL OF THE WILD NIGHT!! NEWT HAS A LITTLE
WITH US TONIGHT!! EXPERIENCE UNDER HIS BELT.

LATER THAT NIGHT....
HOLD ON, B.A. WHILE THEY ARE
OKAY, LOOKS LIKE NEWT ALL SLEEPING I’M GOING
PULLS FIRST WATCH ON THROUGH THEIR PACKS AND
GUARD DUTY. NOTHING STEALING ANYTHING OF VALUE.
REALLY HAPPENS ON I HAVE A POCKET OF HOLDING
YOUR WATCH NEWT SO... ON MY CLOAK WHERE I CAN
HIDE THE GOODS.
HUH?? HEY YOU NEWT, YOU REALIZE SUCH ACTION
LITTLE THIEF!!! WE WOULD JUST DISRUPT THE ENTIRE
DON’T TOLERATE GAME? IT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO
THAT KIND OF PROVOKE IN-PARTY FIGHTING.
BEHAVIOR HERE. I’M
DRAWING MY OOOOOH, I’VE GOT A FEW SPECIAL
HACKMASTER +12!! SPELLS I’VE BEEN SAVING FOR
JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.

SORRY GUYS!! YOU CAN’T ACT ON THAT INFORMATION BECAUSE YOUR CHARACTERS NEWT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD BACKTRACK
AREN’T AWARE OF THE THEFT YET. BESIDES, I’M USING MY RING OF SUGGESTION AND AND RETHINK THIS. YOU’LL NEVER GET
PLACING THE MEMORY IN YOUR MINDS THAT THE ITEMS WERE LOST WHILE ALONG WITH THE GROUP IF YOU DO THIS.
CROSSING A STREAM. THERE’S NO SAVING THROW.

OH YEAH?? WELL I’M ATTACKING YOU YEAH!! I’M IN A BAD MOOD TOO!!
UH.....HE’S RIGHT. ACTUALLY JUST BECAUSE I’M IN A BAD MOOD!!
THAT’S A BRILLIANT ACTION. FIREBALL COMING ONLINE, B.A.!!

7
WHO CARES?? I’M ONLY PLAYING WITH YOU
GUYS TONIGHT. I’M ON THE WAITING LIST FOR
EARL SLACKMOZER’S GROUP AND
THERE’S AN OPENING NEXT WEEK. I JUST CAME TO
STOCK UP ON SOME MAGIC ITEMS AND GOLD.
HEY NEWT, I’M GIVING YOU FAIR WARNING. IF YOU START
RUNNING NOW YOU MAY BE ABLE TO MAKE THE DOOR BEFORE
BRIAN MAKES YOU DO THE PRETZEL-DANCE!!
RUN NEWT RUN!!

SLACKMOZER!

THE FOLLOWING WEEK... OKAY TY, WE NEED A HACKER-TYPE TO TAKE THE POINT UP FRONT
ALONG SIDE MY FIGHTER. NO FRILLS! NO BELLS AND WHISTLES!!
NO PROBLEM MR. FELTON!!! YOU SEE SOMETHING MOVE - YOU KILL IT!! IF ONE OF US GETS IN
AS A GAMER-TEMP IT’S MY TROUBLE YOU COME TO OUR AID. YOU GOT IT??
WELCOME BACK TY!! I’M
GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT JOB TO FILL THE
OCCASIONAL EMPTY CHAIR. THAT’S ONE WAY OF PUTTING IT DAVE.
ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.
HAD A LAST MINUTE
CANCELLATION SO YOUR LET’S GAME!!!
PHONE CALL WAS TIMELY!!

OOOOH, SO YOU WANT A MINDLESS HACK-N-SLASHER WHO SIMPLY SMASHES HIS THAT’S PRETTY MUCH THE JOB
WAY THROUGH THE ADVENTURE WITHOUT RESORTING TO ONE CLEVER THOUGHT OR DESCRIPTION FOR BOB’S CHAIR, TY.
EVEN ATTEMPTING TO ASPIRE TO ANYTHING GREATER THAN A PITBULL ON SPEED??
I’LL BE WATCHING
YEAH!!! YOU GOT THE YOU TY.....JUST IN
LOOKS LIKE RIGHT IDEA!! I THINK. CASE.
WE HAVE A
GAME.

8
 LATER THAT NIGHT...
OKAY YOU ENTER THE BUILDING ONLY TO DISCOVER IT’S A LARGE WHAT THE HECK IS HE DOING??
ORPHANAGE. THE PLAGUE HAS LEFT HUNDREDS OF SMALL CHILDREN WITHOUT THEY’RE JUST CHILDREN??
PARENTS. AN ELDERLY MONK APPROACHES YOU AND BEGS, “PLEASE KIND SIRS, WE NEED
SOME HEROES TO JOURNEY INTO THE VALLEY OF SHADOWS AND RETRIEVE THE
TEMPLE TREASURY FROM SKAAG THE BLOOD-WYRM SO WE CAN FEED THE CHILDREN.” APPARENTLY THAT’S
WHAT PITBULLS ON
I HAVE A SWORD IN EACH HAND AND WHOOOOAH TEX!!! SPEED DO!! (SIGH)
I’M WADING THROUGH THE ORPHANS DOWN BOY!!!
CUTTING THEM DOWN LIKE WHEAT!!!

AFTER THE GAME.... BOB LIVING ON HIS OWN?? DO

YOU THINK IT’S POSSIBLE?? HOW
WOULD HE SURVIVE??
THAT’S IT!!! WE’VE WELL, HIS DAD SAID HE
GOT TO GET BOB COULDN’T PLAY AS LONG AS MAYBE THERE’S A
BACK!!! THINK!!!! HE LIVES UNDER HIS ROOF. BETTER WAY.
HOW DO WE DO IT?? WE’VE GOT TO GET BOB OUT I HAVE A PLAN....
ON HIS OWN!!

THE FOLLOWING WEEK..
GAWD IT’S GOOD TO IT’S GOOD TO BE BACK. TELLING
MY OLD MAN I WAS GOING TO
HAVE YOU BACK BOB!!!
DAVE’S FUNERAL WAS A
BRILLIANT PLAN. BUT WHAT
ABOUT NEXT WEEK?
NEXT WEEK YOU DON’T YOU THINK BOB’S DAD IS GOING
HAVE A JOB TO FIGURE IT OUT EVENTUALLY?
INTERVIEW WITH
THE F.B.I. DUDE!!! HAAA!!! HE’S DEALING WITH ROLE-
(NUDGE NUDGE) PLAYERS, SARA!!!! WE CAN COME UP WITH
A ZILLION EXCUSES TO GET BOB OUT OF
THE HOUSE ON THURSDAY NIGHT.

9
A Little Help?
THE ORC SLAVE-MASTER RAISES I’M NOTCHING ANOTHER ARROW AND
HIS BATTLE AXE HIGH OVER OVER HIS HEAD HA!!! ONCE AGAIN THE MOVING FORWARD THROUGH THE TREES.
AND AIMS AT DAVE’S NECK. HMMMM.....THIS GOOD FATES INTERVENE
IS INTERESTING HE FUMBLES. AND SPARE ME!!! ANOTHER FIREBALL
COMING ONLINE!!! ONE
ROASTED BAD GUY
FUMBLES?? COMING UP!!
KEWL!!!

LET’S SEE....WHOAH!!!! IT GETS EVEN BETTER FOLKS!!! I

ROLLED A NATURAL TWENTY TWICE!!! ACCORDING TO THE NOT DAVE’S
FUMBLE CHART THE OPPONENT’S WEAPON HACKMASTER +12 ¡¡¡
BREAKS!!! THAT MEANS DAVE’S SWORD BREAKS.
THIS IS INDEED A
DARK HOUR!!
HUH¡¡

BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!!! MY HACKMASTER IS A MAJOR RELIC!!! IT WAS FORGED IN THE BELLY OF THE BLIND
GOD LUVIA!!! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, IT’S MADE OF DWARVEN STEEL AND WAS TEMPERED IN A VAT OF SWACK-IRON DRAGON
BLOOD!!! FIFTY BLIND DWARVEN CRAFTSMEN ETCHED THE RUNES ON IT’S BLADE WHICH WAS THEN POLISHED WITH THE CHEST
HAIR OF THOR HIMSELF!!!! IT JUST CAN’T BREAK!!!
I AGREE!! I DON’T THINK A MAJOR
YEAH....WELL... I’M JUST FOWL¡¡ FOWL¡¡ GM HOLD ON FOLKS,
RELIC WOULD JUST SNAP!!
GOING BY THE INCOMPETENCE¡¡ I THINK I HAVE A
OFFICIAL SOLUTION!!!
FUMBLE CHART.
SUCK IT UP!!

10
 I’VE GOT IT WRITTEN IN ON MY GAME MASTER SCREEN RIGHT
MAYBE THIS IS ONE OF THOSE SPECIAL OCCASIONS HERE. HELL, IT’S A 1-900 NUMBER. WHY NOT??
WHERE THE HACKMASTER
SUPPORT-LINE WOULD BE USEFUL!!! IT’S
BEEN UP AND RUNNING FOR A FEW MONTHS NOW. AT LAST!!! A LITTLE GOOD OL’ GARY!! WHAT A
THE NUMBER IS LISTED IN THE LAST ISSUE OF PLAYER JUSTICE JUST A GUY!!! STARTING UP A
HACKMASTER JOURNAL!! PHONE CALL AWAY!!! WE’VE SUPPORT LINE REALLY
NEEDED THIS FOR YEARS!!! SHOWS HE CARES!!

THIS IS GREAT!!! WE
CAN GO RIGHT TO THE
MAN HIMSELF!!! WHAT ARE WE
WAITING FOR???
CALL!!

A DOZEN BUSY SIGNALS LATER... OH LIKE GARY HAS NOTHING TO

DO BUT HANG AROUND ON A
SSSSSHHHHHH!!! IT’S MAKE SURE THEY THURSDAY NIGHT TAKING CALLS
RINGING!!! IT’S RINGING!! UNDERSTAND WE’RE FROM GAMERS.
IS IT GARY HIMSELF?? TALKING ABOUT A
HELLO? YEAH, WE MAKE SURE YOU GET A
WE DON’T WANT JUST HACKMASTER CLASS
HAVE A RULE DISPUTE SPECIFIC PAGE, PARAGRAPH
ANY DWEEB!! SWORD HERE.
HERE AND NEED AN AND RULE REFERENCE!!
OFFICIAL CALL!!

THANK YOU FOR CALLING SIR!! WHILE I HAVE YOU ON
THE LINE WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN ORDERING OUR
NEW HACKMASTER TEMPORARY TATOO SETS?? WE
HAVE FOUR TO CHOOSE FROM. WE ALSO HAVE THE
OFFICIAL HACKMASTER GRAPH PAPER IN STOCK.....
UH...NO, NO THANK YOU. WHAT’S THAT? REALLY? HMMMM....OKAY.
SURE. I’LL TAKE THREE PACKS. UH HUH....UH HUH.. HMMMMM,
OKAY. YEAH, PUT ME DOWN FOR TWO OF THOSE. UH HUH.....
WHAT’S HE WOW!! SOUNDS LIKE THEY’RE
SAYING?? GIVING HIM A TON OF
INFORMATION. THIS IS AWESOME!!!
WE SHOULD BE RECORDING THIS.
IS IT REALLY GARY??
TELL HIM I SAID HI!!

11
 TWENTY MINUTES LATER...
HEY GUYS, THEY’RE TELLING ME THE ANSWER WILL BE REVEALED WHAT KIND OF SUPPORT
IN THE HACKMASTER RULE CLARIFICATION LINE IS THIS??
MANUAL VOL III WHICH SHIPS ON MONDAY!!!

CAN THEY OVERNIGHT IT??? DAMN!! I DON’T HAVE THAT

DO THEY TAKE
I CAN’T WAIT TILL MONDAY!! ONE!! ORDER TWO COPIES!!!
CREDIT CARDS???
WE GOT TO KNOW!!

AN HOUR LATER... UH......DID HE SAY

THIS WAS A 1-900
A BUSHEL OF NUMBER??
REALLY?? UH HUH...YEAH, I DAMN DUDE!!!
DICE?? WHAT KIND
GUESS I COULD USE A FEW HANG UP AND
OF DEAL ARE THEY B.A., GET A PRICE ON SODA-
NEW GEM DICE NOW THAT LET’S GET BACK
GIVING??? REPELLANT CHARACTER
YOU MENTION IT. WHAT’S TO THE GAME!!!
THAT?? A VOLUME SHEETS. I’M RUNNING LOW!!!
DISCOUNT IF I ORDER A
BUSHEL?? WELL....SURE...

LATER... I KNOW SOMEONE WHO WILL BE WORKING

OVERTIME MAKING PIZZAS NEXT MONTH.
AND THEY SAY GARY
WELL WE SHOULD DOESN’T CARE ANYMORE!!!
HAVE AN ANSWER I’M GOING TO WRITE A DID YOU TELL HIM DAMN, WE SHOULD HAVE PAID
MONDAY WHEN THE LETTER AND THANK HIM!! I SAID HELLO?? THE EXTRA FIFTEEN BUCKS FOR
BOOK ARRIVES. WHAT MORNING DELIVERY!!!
A GREAT SERVICE!!!

12
IN YER FACE EVERY MONTH!!!

KENZER &
COMPANY
Knights of the
Dinner Table
TM
No. 12
$2.95 USA
$3.50 CAN

The Good, the Bad, and the Unlucky!!

Be Sure to Reserve Your Copy of the Next Issue

at your favorite Game or Comic Shop!!
Let’s Make a Deal Story suggested by James (Nozroth) Maslanka

OKAY, THE LAST WE SUSTAINED A LOT

FESTERING-TROLL
DROPS DEAD. GREAT BATTLE
GUYS!!! EXCELLENT TEAMWORK!!
YOU QUICKLY FIND THE TROLLS’
TREASURE HORDE BURIED IN SOME
DRIFTWOOD AND SAND IN THE
CORNER OF THE CAVE.
NOW YOU’RE TALKING!!! GIVE
US A QUICK INVENTORY OF
WHAT’S IN THE HORDE!!
WELL THEY SURE OF DAMAGE. LET’S HOPE
PUT UP ONE HELL OF
IT WAS WORTH IT.
A FIGHT!! IT’S GOT TO
BE SOME PRETTY
DON’T WORRY! FESTERING-
GOOD STUFF!
TROLLS ARE PACKRATS BY
NATURE. THEY GET TWO ROLLS
ON TREASURE TYPE F AND FOUR
ROLLS ON TREASURE TYPE C!!

THE TROLL’S TREASURE INCLUDES 2,500 GOLD HOODY-HOOO!! THAT NOT THIS TIME BEAN-HEAD!!! MY
PIECES, 3,000 SILVER PIECES, 1 BAG OF GUANO, AND MAGIC DAGGER IS JUST MAGE NEEDS A WEAPON AND I’D
A DAGGER OF SOUL-STEALING. PERFECT FOR MY SAY THAT DAGGER HAS HIS
THIEF!!! I CALL DIBS!! NAME ALL OVER IT!!

GUANO??
WHAT’S THAT?? IS IT UH OH, I SEE
MAGICAL?? I CALL TROUBLE
DIBS ON THE GUANO!! BREWING.

ALRIGHT, BEFORE YOU START FLIPPING TABLES OR THROWING DICE I HAVE A SOLUTION. ACCORDING TO THE
HACKMASTER WEBSITE THE OFFICIAL WAY OF HANDLING SUCH DISPUTES IS TO HAVE EACH PLAYER
ROLL DICE. HIGHEST ROLLER THEN GETS THE OPPORTUNITY TO PURCHASE THE MAGIC ITEM FROM THE PARTY BY
PAYING THE LISTED GOLD PIECE VALUE IN THE HACKMASTER’S GUIDE. IF THAT PLAYER DOESN’T HAVE
ENOUGH CASH ON HAND TO PAY, THEN THE NEXT HIGHEST ROLLER GETS A CHANCE TO BUY IT. THAT’S MY CALL!!
WELL SINCE NO ONE ELSE WANTS STOP YACKING AND ROLL SOME
BUT I CALLED DIBS!!!
THE GUANO I’M TAKING THAT. DICE BOB!!! I’M FEELING LUCKY!!
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TIME-HONORED
TRADITION OF DIB-CALLING? HUH??

14
 OKAY, LOOKS LIKE BOB WINS THE ROLL. I AGREE. YOU HAVE TO PAY NOW OR IT
ACCORDING TO THE HACKMASTER SORRY DUDE!!! HE SAID
CASH-ON-HAND. IF YOU MOVES ON TO THE NEXT GUY.
TREASURE TOME A DAGGER OF
SOUL-STEALING GOES FOR 8,000 GOLD CAN’T PAY THEN BRIAN
PIECES. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO BOB? GETS A CHANCE TO BUY IT.
EXCELLENT!!! ONCE AGAIN MY BAG
OF HOLDING SAVES THE DAY. I
GAAAAA!!! THAT’S STEEP!!! BUT I ONLY HAVE EXACTLY 6,000 GOLD PIECES.
HAVE 7,200 GOLD PIECES ON ME. I’LL PAY THE AFTER DEDUCTING MY SHARE I
REST WHEN WE GET BACK TO TOWN AND I CAN ONLY HAVE TO PAY EACH OF YOU
GET TO MY STASH. WADDA YA SAY?? 2,000 GP FOR A TOTAL OF 6,000

HEY¡¡¡ THAT’S NOT

FAIR!!! IF I HAD KNOWN
THAT I WOULD HAVE
BOUGHT THE DAMN
DAGGER MYSELF!!!
I’M WARNING YOU BIG
GUY!!! HAND OVER THAT
DAGGER OR THERE WILL
BE HELL TO PAY!!!
WHAT’S YOUR ANSWER??
IT’S CALLED BASIC MATH, BOB!!!
LEARN IT! USE IT!!! IT’S YOUR
FRIEND!!! HAR HAR -
LOSER!!

HEY BRIAN, CAN YOU BRIAN, DON’T

CAST A DETECT PROVOKE HIM!
MAGIC ON MY
GUANO??

DAVE, DO YOU KNOW

WHILE THE FAT MAGE IS LAUGHING I’M MAKING I’M TASTING SOME OF THE
WHAT GUANO IS??
A CALLED SHOT WITH A BOLT OF GUANO. DO I FEEL DIFFERENT??
SLAYING!!!! I’M SHOOTING HIM IN THE IF SO, I’M GOING TO MIX SOME
WITH MY DRINKING WATER. ??? WHAT THE... THAT
GNADS AND TAKING BACK MY DAGGER!! DOES IT!! B.A. I’M THROWING
THE DAGGER AT BOB!!

OH NO. THERE GOES

THE ADVENTURE.

15
I ROLLED A NATURAL TWENTY!!! NOT ONLY DO I HIT FOR
YOU BASTARD!!!! GIVE ME
8 POINTS OF DAMAGE BUT I’VE JUST
MY SOUL BACK OR DAVE WILL CUT
STOLEN BOB’S SOUL¡¡¡
YOU DOWN IN YOUR TRACKS!!!
HAR HAR HAR!!

WHOOOOAHHHH!!! I AIN’T MESSIN

WELL BOBBY BOY.... HIM. NOBODY IS GONNA STEAL MY SOUL. I’M
CARE TO ONLY 2000 POINTS FROM 17TH LEVEL DUDE!!
MAKE A
DEAL?? EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!!!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS!! DO I HEAR AN
OPENING BID FOR
BOB’S SOUL??

THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

OKAY BRIAN, MY FINAL OFFER IS 6,000 IN
DAMN IT DAVE, STOP GOLD AND MY MAGIC ROCK*
BIDDING AGAINST ME!!! HEY IT’S AN OPEN AUCTION!! I
CUT IT OUT!!! GOT JUST AS MUCH A RIGHT
TO BID AS YOU DO!!! GEE, I DUNNO. DAVE IS THROWING IN
POOR BOB!! A WHOLE BAG OF GUANO.
8 HOURS OF DUNGEON PREP
DOWN THE DRAIN!!

AFTER THE GAME..... 25,000 IN GOLD??? I THOUGHT

YOU GUYS SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF
YOURSELVES!!!! HE LEFT IN TEARS..
BOB WAS GOING TO GO
HEY, I’M PLAYING A DWARF!!!! I’VE GOTTA THROUGH THE ROOF.
MAKE A PROFIT. IF I CAN’T DOUBLE MY
MONEY ON A TRANSACTION I AIN’T DEALING. GAWD I MISSED BOB!!!
IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE
HIM BACK..

16
BLOOD BATH AT THE GAMES PIT
HEY GUYS, I HEAR WEIRD PETE IS
HOLDING A CONTEST THIS SATURDAY.
FIRST PERSON TO OUT ARM WRESTLE
WEIRD PETE’S MONKEY,
SQUIRRELY WINS A COMPLETE
SET OF 1 ST EDITION
HACKMASTER BOOKS
SIGNED BY GARY JACKSON HIMSELF!!
WE’VE ALREADY HEARD THE NEWS!! THOSE BOOKS
ARE AS GOOD AS MINE!!! IT ONLY
COSTS A BUCK A TRY AND I’VE BEEN SAVING UP.
YOU WISH!!! I’VE ALREADY CLEARED OUT A
SPACE ON MY BOOKSHELF FOR THEM!!
I DON’T THINK IT’S GOING TO BE
SO EASY GUYS!! NO ONE HAS
EVER BEATEN SQUIRRELY!!
WELL IT’S NOT A MONKEY,
IT’S A CHIMPANZEE!!! WHY
DOES HE CALL IT
SQUIRRELY ANYWAY??

SOME PEOPLE THINK IT’S LEAD FIGURES? I’M AFRAID TO ASK!!

WEIRD PETE CALLS HIM SQUIRRELY
BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY HE ACTS. THAT
MONKEY AIN’T WORKING WITH A FULL DECK
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
BECAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
FANBELT OF WEIRD PETE’S VW
VAN THAT ONE TIME BUT LEAD
FIGURES ARE MORE LIKELY
TO BLAME!
SQUIRRELY MUST HAVE EATEN 100
LEAD MINIATURES OVER THE
YEARS BEFORE WEIRD PETE
CAUGHT ON AND MOVED HIS CAGE
AWAY FROM THE DISPLAY RACKS.

HOW HORRIBLE!!! BOYCOTT?? AND RUIN THE OPPORTUNITY OF A

AND THAT LOWLIFE, WEIRD LIFETIME?? OOOOOOH, I GET IT. YOU ALREADY KNOW YOU
PETE, HAS THE POOR DON’T HAVE A SNOWBALL’S CHANCE IN HELL OF BEATING
ANIMAL ARM WRESTLING SQUIRRELY SO YOU WANT US TO BOW OUT AS WELL.
ANYONE WITH A BUCK? GOOD TRY MISSY!!
I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD
RETHINK THIS AND BOYCOTT BESIDES, EVERYONE KNOWS SQUIRRELY
PETE’S CONTEST. LOVES NOTHING BETTER THAN A GOOD
ARMWRESTLING MATCH.

17
WELL SO FAR, NITRO FERGUESON IS THE FAVORITE TO WIN.
I WOULDN’T GET MY HOPES UP OF WINNING THOSE BOOKS.
HELLO?? BRIAN?? YOU’RE
WADDA YA SAY, BRIAN?? AFRAID OF SQUIRELY??
NITRO? DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH. HE’S WHAT EVER FOR??
LOST THE HUNGER FOR HACKMASTER. I’LL YOU IN OR WHAT?? YOU’RE
HAVE THAT EYE-OF-THE-TIGER NOT STILL AFRAID OF
I WAS IN A HACKMASTER
ADVANTAGE ON HIM. BESIDES, I’M SQUIRRELY ARE YOU?
TOURNAMENT ONE WEEKEND AND
GONNA DO A LITTLE CARBOHYDRATE- THE THIEF STOLE MY
LOADING FRIDAY NIGHT. GUMMYBEARS. WE SCUFFLED
OVER THEM AND HE BIT ME.

NOW EVERY TIME I GO INTO WEIRD DUDE, SWALLOW

PETE’S STORE I TAUNT SQUIRRELY BY YOUR FEAR!!! WE’RE
STANDING NEAR HIS CAGE AND EATING TALKING ABOUT 1ST
A CANDY BAR. I’VE SEEN THAT LOOK IN EDITION HACKMASTER!!!
HIS EYE. HE WANTS ME. SIGNED BY GARY HIMSELF!!!!
HE WANTS ME BAD!!
THAT MONKEY IS
LAUGHING AT YOU,
DUDE!!! YOU GOTTA
THROW DOWN WITH HIM.
BRIAN DON’T DO IT!!! JOIN MY
BOYCOTT AND DON’T BE A
PART OF THIS NONSENSE!!
I’LL HAVE TO THINK
ON THIS FOR A WHILE.
YOU GUYS WANNA GET
A PIZZA??

ONE WEEK LATER... THAT DAMN BRIAN WAS DISQUALIFED FOR

MONKEY WUSS- FIGHTING WITH SQUIRRELY BEHIND
GOOD LORD!!!! I GOT A WRENCHED SLAPPED ME!!! AMD THE COUNTER. IT TOOK FIVE GUYS
WHAT SHOULDER AND A THEN HE LAUGHED TO BREAK IT UP.!!
HAPPENED??? HAIRLINE FRACTURE OF AT ME!!! I SWEAR TO HE PROVOKED ME!! I KNOW
THE FIBULA. GAWD, I’M GONNA GET REVENGE!! DARN WELL WHAT THOSE
HAND GESTURES MEANT.

18
 KODT FANS DEMANDED IT...
IT’S ALL HERE!!!

CRAMMED
BETWEEN TWO
COVERS AND
BURSTING AT THE
SEAMS.

ALL THE KODT

STRIPS THAT HAVE
APPEARED IN:

DRAGON™
__

SHADIS™
__

THE FAMILIAR™
__

THE GAMER’S
CONNECTION™
__

AND ELSEWHERE!!

• INCLUDES ORIGINAL KODT STRIPS NEVER BEFORE PUBLISHED!

• EXPANDED BIOS OF YOUR FAVORITE KODT CHARACTERS
• KODT TRIVIA AND HISTORICAL NOTES
• 64 PAGES AND ALL FOR JUST $9.95!!

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The Venus Elixir Story suggested by Wayne Wallace, James Wicke & brian dolger

OKAY GUYS AS YOU FORCE OPEN THE LARGE IRON PORTAL YOU REVEAL A LONG MIGHTY BOLD TALK BOYS!!
NARROW HALLWAY. AT THE OTHER END, YOU SEE THE EVIL LICH MASTER, THROD REMEMBER, THIS GUY CAN SUCK
LAUGHING MANIACALLY AND TAUNTING YOU TO COME HITHER! LEVELS OF EXPERIENCE FROM
YOUR CHARACTER MERELY BY
THE STING OF MY TOUCH!!
YEAH, LAUGH IT UP CORPSE- HACKMASTER +12 WILL
BREATH!! YOU’RE GONNA BE EATIN’ SILENCE HIS LAUGHTER! THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS
THE BOLTS FROM MY CROSSBOW
YOU HAVE A POWERFUL
OF SLAYING IN A FEW SECONDS.
MAGE AS AN ALLY!!

I’M LETTIN’ LOOSE A COUPLE OF FACTOR HOODY HOO!!! WAY TO GO BIG GUY!!! WE WORK
FIVE SIDEWINDER FIREBALLS!! TOGETHER LIKE A WELL-OILED MACHINE!!! YOU SOFTEN
LET’S SEE HOW OL’ THROD LAUGH HIS WAY OUT ‘EM UP - WE GO IN AND FINISH ‘EM OFF. HUH?? OF
OF THAT!! COURSE NOT.
THEY......UH, OH
WE’RE INVINCIBLE¡¡
HAR! HAR! YEAH. YOU’RE
HAR! RIGHT. (GULP)
AREN’T LICH MASTER’S DAMN THAT 2ND
IMPERVIOUS TO FLAME EDITION ERRATA!!
AND HEAT??

IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER BECAUSE THE LICH CAST A POWERFUL PUSH SPELL JUST AS BRIAN’S FIREBALLS WE’RE LOOSED.
THE LARGE IRON PORTALS SLAM SHUT BEFORE THE FIREBALLS PASS THROUGH!!! THEY EXPLODE RIGHT IN
YOUR FACE!! AND SINCE YOU ARE IN A NARROW, CONFINED SPACE THEY DO DOUBLE DAMAGE!!!

NO WAY WE’RE I’M VERY DISAPPOINTED BRIAN. YOU SHOULD HAVE

I DON’T BELIEVE IT!! WE CAME ALL THIS
WAY ONLY TO BE THWARTED BY
FIREBALL BACKLASH!!
THOUGHT THINGS THROUGH BEFORE TRYING TO KILL
GETTING OUT OF THIS
ONE GUYS! THROD ALL BY YOURSELF.
SORRY! I’VE GOT A
HAIRPIN TRIGGER.

20
 WELL, HOLD ON TO YOUR SEATS FOLKS!! AS YOU LIE ON THE GAME OVER MAN!!!!
COLD FLOOR WRITHING IN PAIN AND AGONY, THE IRON PORTALS WE’RE ALL GONNA END UP AS ZERO-LEVEL
BEGIN TO CREAK ON THEIR HINGES. THEY ARE OPENING AGAIN. TO WRAITHS AND SLAVES TO THROD FOR ALL
YOUR HORROR YOU CAN SEE THROD MOVING DOWN THE ETERNITY!!! THIS SUCKS!!
CORRIDOR TOWARD YOU. HIS INSANE LAUGHTER ECHOES FROM
THE WALLS. “HOW DARE YOU PROFAINE MY SANCTUARY OF COME ON BRIAN!!
EVIL!!!! NOW I SHALL MAKE YOU PAY!!” SAY, WHAT ABOUT THAT BAG
SURELY YOU HAVE OF POTIONS YOU FOUND ON
SOMETHING IN YOUR BAG THE THIRD LEVEL??
OF TRICKS THAT CAN
SAVE US.
HEY I FORGOT ALL
ABOUT THOSE. BUT I
DON’T KNOW WHAT
THEY DO.

HEY B.A., THERE WERE FOUR VIALS OF POTION. I’M GIMME THE BLUE
PASSING THEM OUT RANDOMLY. EACH OF US WILL I GOT DIBS ON THE YELLOW ONE. I
ONE!!! I WANT THE JUST KNOW IT’S A POTION OF
DRINK A POTION. HOPEFULLY ONE OF THESE BAD BLUE ONE!!
BOYS WILL SAVE OUR BUTTS. GIANT STRENGTH. COME TO PAPA!!

DON’T WORRY BRIAN, I’LL TAKE THE

PINK ONE. THAT LEAVES YOU WITH
THE GREEN ONE.

WELL, BOTTOMS
UP!! LET’S HOPE
THIS WORKS.

MOMENTS LATER...
OKAY LET’S GO AROUND THE TABLE. BOB, YOU JUST DRANK A POTION OF POLYMORPH TO PRIMATE. LET’S SEE
ACCORDING TO THE TABLE YOU JUST TURNED INTO A RINGTAIL LEMUR!! DAVE, I’M AFRAID YOU DRANK A POTION
OF ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. YOU ARE SUDDENLY TELEPORTED TO ANOTHER PLANE WHERE YOU ARE QUICKLY JUDGED
BY A COMMITTEE OF GAWDS AND IMMORTALS, FOUND GUILTY OF VIOLATING THE CONVENTIONS OF YOUR CHOSEN ALIGNMENT, STRIPPED
OF ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS, BEATEN SEVERELY AND TELEPORTED BACK TO THE PARTY.
MAN, TALK ABOUT I’M NEXT.
A RINGTAIL SWIFT JUSTICE! (GULP)
WHAT??

21
 SARA YOU JUST DRANK A VIAL OF THE MYTHICAL VENUS
ELIXIR!!! THE FIRST PERSON YOU LAY EYES UPON WILL
ACTUALLY, I WANT TO SAVE YOU WIN YOUR HEART AND YOUR UNDYING LOVE. AND THE FIRST
FOR LAST SARA. YOU PICKED A PERSON YOU SEE WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR EYES IS.....
A DUD?? SO WHAT’S
REALLY INTERESTING POTION.
WITH SARA’S
BRIAN, YOUR POTION WAS A DUD!! PLEASE NOT ME!!! I DON’T VENUS ELIXIR?? HOW INTERESTING.
POTION?? WHAT
YOU FEEL NO SIDE AFFECTS NEED ANY GROUPIES. I CAN’T WAIT TO ROLEPLAY THIS
HAPPENS TO HER?
WHAT-SO-EVER. SITUATION.
I’M
AVERTING
MY EYES.

SORRY BRIAN!!! LET THE DICE FALL WHERE THEY MY BARBARIAN LOOKS PASSIONATELY INTO THE EYES OF
MAY!! AND THE DICE SAY SARA SEES YOU FIRST THE HANDSOME MAGE. I FLUTTER MY BABY-BLUES AT HIM
AND FALLS MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU!! AND MOVE TOWARD.....

RUN BRIAN!!! RUN UH...ER....(BLUSH)

FOR YOUR LIFE!!! SPUTTER....
UH....ER...(GASP)...UH....

HEY COOCHIE MOMMA, COOCHIE COOCHIE

HOW’S ABOUT BRINGING SOME OF THAT COO... OKAY GUYS, LET’S NOT FORGET
BARBARIAN LOVE STUFF OVER HERE?? .UMMRFFF¡ THROD!!! HE’S STILL MOVING
TOWARDS YOU WITH AN EVIL GLOW
BO

IN HIS HOLLOW EYES!!!

N
K
¡

BUG OFF
WRRRRRRRR!
LEMUR-BOY!!!
MEOWWWRRRR!!
MY HEART
BELONGS TO
TEFLON BILLY!!

22

I’M GOING TO RULE THAT SARA’S BARBARIAN
IS SO INSPIRED BY HER LOVE FOR BRIAN THAT
SHE GAINS A ONE-TIME SURGE OF
REPLENISHING POWER. IT WILL LAST ONE
COMBAT ROUND. HOWEVER, SHE WILL STILL
NEED TO ROLL A NATURAL
TWENTY TO SCORE A HIT. THE REST OF
YOU ARE STILL TOO WEAK TO FIGHT.
HEY DON’T FORGET I’M A
LEMUR NOW!!! DON’T I GET
MODIFIERS FOR THAT??
CAN SOMEBODY LOAN ME A
BLANKET AND A SWORD??
INSPIRED BY THE BEAUTY OF THE HANDSOME
MAGE, MY BARBARIAN RISES UP ON ONE KNEE.
SHE DRAWS A JADE ARROW AND KNOCKS IT IN
HER ELVEN BOW. I GRACEFULLY PULL BACK THE
BOW STRING, KNOWING THAT FAILURE WILL
MEAN THE DEATH OF MY ONE TRUE LOVE.
HANDSOME???

HAA!!! MY LOVE
WINS OVER THE WAY TO GO SARA!!
HANDS OF FATE!!! A
NATURAL TWENTY!!! I CAN’T TAKE CREDIT
BOYS!! I WAS
LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST EARNED
INSPIRED BY THE
THE MOST VAULABLE
LOVE OF MY HEART!!
PLAYER AWARD * FOR A
SINGLE SESSION!!

THE JADE ARROW STRIKES THROD
RIGHT IN THE HEART!!! THE EVIL GLOW
BEHIND HIS EYES FLICKER AND FADE AS
DOES HIS LAUGHTER. HE FALLS
LIFELESS TO THE DUNGEON FLOOR IN
A HEAP OF BONE FRAGMENTS AND DUST!!
HOODY HOO!!! I SCURRY
UP TO HIS REMAINS AND SNATCH UP
HIS RINGS AND NECKLACES!!
I’M FOLLOWING THE LEMUR!!!
I’LL SEARCH THE BODY FOR ANY
OTHER TREASURE!!
I’M HANGING BACK WITH THE HANDSOME
MAGE AND TENDING TO HIS WOUNDS.
WHERE DOES IT HURT BABYCAKES??
I’M DESPERATELY SEARCHING
THROUGH MY SPELL BOOK FOR A
BREAK CURSE
SPELL!!!

* See KODT#6: Shiny Things Upon His Chest

23
ARRRRRGGHHH!!! I CAN’T STAND IT ANY LONGER!! I’M SILENCE
ATTACKING SARA WHILE SHE’S DISTRACTED. MAYBE SEDUCTRESS!!!!
I COUPLE OF GOOD WHACKS ACROSS THE BACK OF GUYS??? FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. MY CHARACTER
A FEW BOLTS FROM MY
THE HEAD WILL BREAK THE SPELL!! IS SIMPLY IN LOVE WITH BRIAN’S CHARACTER.
CROSSBOW WILL
IT’S NOT A HOSTILE ACT!!
DAMPEN THE FLAMES
OF YOUR LOVE!!
YES! YES! WE MUST SAVE
OUR BRAVE COMRADE
FROM THE VILE THANKS GUYS!!! I WAS ON THE
TEMPTRESS!! VERGE OF USING MY POISON
RING ON MYSELF.

SEVERAL COMBAT ROUNDS LATER... MY LOVE IS STRONG, TEFLON

BILLY!!! YOU CAN’T DENY ME WHAT
SARA’S ARROW HITS DAVE FOR 12 POINTS OF DAMAGE KILLING DID I MANAGE TO THROW I NEED SO BADLY. YIELD TO ME
HIM. BOB, YOU MANAGE TO DRAG YOURSELF BEHIND HIS LIMP MY ROCK BEFORE SHE AND BE COMPLETE!!
BODY TO GAIN A MAKESHIFT COVER BONUS FOR NEXT ROUND. KILLED ME? UH...ER...UH...I’M OPENING MY POISON
RING AND SWALLOWING THE
I STILL SAY A RINGTAIL LEMUR IS STRONG CONTENTS. “GRANT ME MY
ENOUGH TO OPERATE A CROSSBOW. I WANT TO ESCAPE DR. DEATH!!”
CONSULT THE ENCYCLOPEDIA ON THAT CALL.

LATER THAT EVENING... WELCOME BACK SWEET PRINCE!!! MUSN’T BE

A BAD BOY AND JUMP FROM THE TALL
I’M GOING TO ATTEMPT TO I’M CONCENTRATING TOWER AGAIN, PEACHY-WEACHY!!
SORRY BRIAN, AS LONG AS PICK THE LOCK ON MY CAGE REAL HARD TO GATHER
SARA CONTINUES TO AGAIN!!! NO WAY IN HELL I’M MY ETHEREAL POWERS.
SUCCESSFULLY HAVE YOU GOING IN THAT PETTING ZOO. I’M COMING BACK TO DAGGER TO WRIST B.A.!!! I GET
RAISED FROM THE DEAD, HAUNT SARA. A +2 MODIFIER FOR
YOU’LL HAVE TO ENDURE DESPERATION. I’M ROLLING!!!
HER ATTENTIONS.

24
 now that we are monthly, we need your ideas and suggestions for KODT STORies MORE
THAN EVER!! what are you waiting for?? this could be just the thing you’ve been waiting
for - your name in bold letters on cheesy newsprint for all the world to see!!! photo-
copy this page and write your own classic KODT story ideas. Mail your entry* to

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KODT: 1003 MONROE PIKE, MARION INDIANA, 46953

* The Fine Print: All entries become the property of Kenzer and Company. By submitting your story line, you hereby assign all
right title and interest in and to the story to Kenzer and Company. If your idea is used you will receive a free, autographed
copy of the issue in which it appears. By returning this form with your submission, you agree to be bound by these terms.
 B.A. is 30 years old and lives with his parents.
When he isn’t gaming he works part-time in his dad’s
dry cleaning shop. B.A. dropped out of college to
Who’s Who In the Group
follow his dream of being a game designer. He sunk
$6,000 into his first gaming product, DOG: the Role-
Playing Game ™ , which was a bomb. B.A. suffered
a nervous breakdown and left gaming for a few years
before picking up his dice bag again. He founded the
B.A. Felton Knights of the Dinner Table in 1976.

Bob is 26 years old and also lives with his parents. He

is currently unemployed even though he’s taken over 8
years of vocational classes at a local tech college. He has
a habit of losing his job because of his temper and sharp
tongue. Bob was the first dues paying member of the
group. Bob is from the old school of role-playing and
believes it’s all about breaking things and killing people.
He made the local papers once when he got lost in the
steam tunnels under the tech college for seven days.
Bob Herzog

Dave is 22 years old and attends Ball State

University where he is studying cultural
anthropology and dance theory. Dave was introduced
to role-playing by Bob whom he met at a local
paintball tournament. Dave is a true blooded hack-n-
slasher who becomes bored easily. He often forgets
to bring his character sheet to the game and tends to
borrow someone else’s dice. Dave originally joined
the group to take advantage of the free munchies.
Dave Bozwell

Brian is 27 years old and lives alone. He manages

to make a modest living operating a local computer
bulletin board and selling painted miniatures. Brian
is typically quiet and utters only three word sentences
unless a rule has been broken or his character has
been maligned. Even though Brian can’t remember
his own phone number, he can recite entire passages
of various rule books from memory. He claims to
have a girlfriend but no one has ever seen her.
Brian VanHoose
 Sara is 25 years old and is B.A.’s cousin. She recently moved back
to Muncie, Indiana from Wisconsin and is the newest member of the
group. Unfortunately, Sara is also the only female in the group and
fights a lonely battle to bring more role-play into the group’s gaming
sessions and less hack-n-slash. Sara has decided it is her sworn
obligation to bring the other members of the group around to her
style of play. She attempts to do this by example but occasionally
has to resort to threats and physical bullying to make her point.
Sara Felton
Gary Jackson is fondly known as the “Gawdfather of Gaming” by
millions of gaming enthusiasts around the world. His failing
wargame company, Hard 8 Enterprises, was about to close its doors
for good in 1977 when Gary tossed the dice on a hastily produced
role-playing game, The HackMasters of EverKnight™ . The first
print run was quickly snapped off the shelves and soon frantic
distributors were calling Gary’s three man shop with pleas of
“More!” Gary has been riding Hackmaster spin-offs ever since.
Gary Jackson
Edmund Finely was once Gary Jackson’s paperboy. One morning
he was coerced into filling an empty chair during a play-testing
session of HackMaster and became ensnared in ‘Gary’s Game’.
That was twenty years ago and Edmund has been on the Hard 8
team ever since (though he’s only been on the payroll for the past
four months). Edmund wears the proud title of “Director of
Research and Development” and recently oversaw the production of
his first written work, Abe, Babes and RollerBlades™ , described
as a “sexy, zany, time-travelling romp through history and fashion”.
Edmund Finley
Victor Fergueson became known as the Lord of Steam when he adapted the
HackMaster rules to live-action play and began taking hand picked groups of
players on late night forays into the labyrinth of steam tunnels beneath Ball State
University. After ‘Fergueson’s Folly’ made national headlines (Victor and his
group were lost for 7 days prompting a massive rescue search), the steam tunnels
were secured and dozens of entrances were sealed with concrete. There are
several contradicting accounts of what happened weeks later on the evening of
January 5th, 1987 but it involved a satchel of C-4 high explosive, a miscalculation
of the expected blast radius, and a medical evacuation of the Campus
Administration Building which collapsed during an attempt to breach the steam
tunnels. The incident earned Victor the nickname ‘Nitro’ and 5 years probation.
Nitro Fergueson
“Weird” Pete Ashton is 46 years old and is the sole proprietor of a
local gamestore called the “Games Pit”. Pete is proud of the fact that
he was one of the co-designers of the cult classic role-playing game,
Lynch Mob ™ . Pete loves to relate the story of how he was burned
by his partners and lost “millions”. Pete is always available for
advice but oddly seems to be very bitter about the hobby he loves so
much. He was a major stockholder in Hard 8 Enterprises but sold his
shares mere days before HackMaster was released.
Weird Pete
 Well, it's finally over. Another
GenCon. The Knights and I had
a great time this year, our first
with KenzerCo. Sara, Bob,
Dave and I showed up on
Wednesday afternoon to help
set up the booth. Brian was
already there. He came up
B.A. Felton early Tuesday morning to
touch up a few miniatures for
the painting contest. On the drive up from Muncie, we
amused ourselves by creating new words for songs on
the radio. I can only recall two or three. One was
Dave’s Sharp Broadsword - to the tune of Sharp
Dressed Man by ZZ Top:
Broadsword, crossbow, ten feet of rope ‘cause ya never
knooow;
Caltrop, iron spike, I got a mule and I named him Miiiike;
C’mon step-up I’m gonna do you in;
‘Cause every Orc’s scared of a sharp broadsword.
Another was Bob’s classic Dwarven Rhapsody - to the
tune of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Here’s a small
piece:
B.A! Just killed my dwarf;
Put a poisoned knife against my head;
I rolled a 1 and now I’m dead.
B.A! Oooo-ooh. My dwarf had just begun;
But now you’ve gone and blown my dwarf away.
I’m just a poor dwarf nobody loves me;
He’s just a poor dwarf from a poor family;
Spare him his life from this monstrocity.
Easy come easy go, you missed your saving throw.
Will you let me reroll? I will not NO!!!
Please let me reroll! I will not NO!!!
Let me reroll! Let him reroll! Let him re-rooooo-ll!
Ooooh mama mia mama mia, let me reroll!
We finally arrived, set up the booth, received work
assignments (register, Monty Python demos,
autographing our buttons and pictures for adoring fans,
etc.) and went to game in our room at the Hyatt. Brian
stayed behind to "get some practice playing MPHG for
my demo time tomorrow." That seemed crazy because
Brian plays MPHG almost more often than
Hackmaster™, and he knows all the rules by heart.
(Later he told me he just wanted to play MPHG with
Brian Jelke to try to catch him on a rules flaw - he was
unsuccessful, but to his credit the big guy did win 2 of
3 games with his special “Frenchman deck”). The rest
of us had a great time playing Give Me the Brain!
The next day the show started. Yep 30,000
screaming gamers all crammed into downtown
Milwaukee. The con was BIG. Tons of new games and
new companies. The TSR castle still stood in the Broadsword, crossbow, ten feet of rope ‘cause ya never knooow....
center. Rumor had it WoTC was going to pull it down
at the end of the show and all the gamers could take a
piece à la the Berlin Wall, but alas, the rumor was false.
Anyway, the REAL fun came after hours. Thursday night
Jolly got drunk at the WoTC tent party and made a fool of
himself. He had to be wheeled back to the room in a luggage
cart. It was virtually impossible to get to sleep that night
over the din of Jolly’s horrendous Temple of Snoring.
Several times before dawn, Dave was forced to free his
pillow, sheet, room curtains and cot from Jolly’s Sucking
Nasal Tractor Beam™.
The next day also proved to be a great time. We all went
down to the Live Action Monty Python and the Holy Grail
event. There fans from the audience acted out on stage the
whole movie, scene by scene. A good time was had by all
and Sarah won a T-Shirt for acting out the part of Zoot.
That night we played the classic card game Nuclear War
with Rick Loomis of Flying Buffalo, Inc. It was quite a
thrill. The best part was forcing Rick to play by my home
rules. Later, we made paper airplanes out of KoDT flyers
and threw them from the balcony into the bar/open gaming
area. Brian’s was the best. An odd structure, it flew clear
down into the restaurant.
The next day we played in the Hackmaster™ tournament.
We would have advanced to the final round if our game
hadn’t been interrupted. An ambulence burst through the
south doors of the role-playing area in a desparate effort to
get to the Arena where Nitro was running his new
Hackmaster™ variant, Live Action Gladitorial Combat.
That night Jolly made a spider out of pipe cleaners and
Dave Kenzer attached it to fishing line and lowered from the
Hyatt balcony onto unsuspecting role players. Everyone at
the bar had a good laugh at the prank. Then we moved to the
other side of the balcony where we lowered the spider onto
some Live Action Gamers. Unfortunately, when the
Vampire players spotted the spider they swatted it, then
stomped on it. Vamps, no sense of humor.
Elsewhere, at the White Wolf party, Bob spotted Jolly. As
a prank, he snuck up behind him, tickled his sides and
whispered “hey sweetie” in his ear. To Bob’s complete
surprise, the man who turned around was NOT Jolly. Bob
could only stammer a weak, “Uh, I thought you were Jolly
Blackburn, my roommate.”
The next day was Sunday, the last day of the con. We
were quite busy hawking our goods all day. At Dave’s
suggestion and over Sara’s objection, we Knights split
before booth breakdown. I hope the nice folks at KenzerCo
don’t remember and cut us off next year. Anyway, when we
left the parking garage, Brian had a plan to scam our way out
of paying for parking; just tell the guards we lost our
parking ticket. We tried, but they had my license plate
number written down. We thought we could role-play our
way out of it, explaining that we paid in full the night before
when we drove out to Lake Michigan for the HackBeard™
award ceremony and fish-fry. The angry old manager
threatened to call the cops, so we ponied up the dough and
headed back to Muncie. All the while we were a-singin’,
See you at HackCon™!
 shots from the KoDT-cam™two fireballs
Hey BA, coming online b.a.!!
why do
we
always
get
stuck
manning
the
booth?
i waste ‘em
with my
I’m tellin’ you, it’s just another drill. crossbow!
No one would dare attack this station.
Hey, is there a new SpaceHack story in
that issue?

The Phantom knows

what the most
popular comic strip
in the gaming
industry is.

Beam me up
Scottie. There’s
no intelligent
at
I wonder wfh
o r a life here!
Hmmm, would pay+12?
JabbaackMaster
H

Sorry Mr.
Perot, we’ve
His favorite already got
story was someone to
“The Spyder make charts
Pits of for us.
Queen
Krawler”
 Life’s a Gamers
BRIAN’S SMALL PRESS PICKS
Game!! Price: $2.50
PLAY!! Tri Tac
P.O. Box 61
Madison Hts, Michigan 48071
_____
Here’s a little gem from the past
that you may have over looked.
Originally published in 1984 this
digest sized, 28 page comic pokes
BR IA N ’S fun at gamers.
If you like KODT, chances are
PICKS you’ll like Gamers though some
people may consider some of the
humor in poor taste. (One strip
features a designer who
determines shotgun damage for
his game by shooting his little
brother.)
I found plenty of laughs in the
book and found myself wanting
more.
Brian’s Rating: Gotta-Have

Give Me the Brain

Price: $5.00
By James Ernest
Cheapass Games
2376 W. Michigan Ave., Battle Creek, MI 49017
_____
You gotta love a game company called, CheapAss Games. It’s a small company with
a simple belief that gamers just want fun, entertaining games for a decent price. Give
‘em that and they’ll forgive you for cheap-ass production quality.
Give Me the Brain is just one of several products available from CheapAss. It costs
about five bucks and comes in an envelope. The cards are little more than Astro-Brite
cardstock ran through laser-printer and cut on a butcher block. Players take on the role
of zombies working in a fastfood restaurant. Each player’s hand reperesents a series of
tasks that they must perfrom as part of their job. The problem is there is only one brain
and everyone must share it. It’s a simple beer-and-pretzels game (emphasis on beer -
the more you’ve had, the more fun you’ll have) that’s worth the cost of admission.
Brian’s Rating: You can’t lose

Stuper Powers
The First-Class Role-Playing Game for Third-Rate Heroes
Price: $4.95
By Unstoppable Productions (unstopmail@aol.com)
262 Fifth Ave., 2nd Floor
Brooklyn, NY 11215

Funny. Funny. Funny. Funny. Funny. This is a great

superhero role-playing game where the heroes are armed only
with trivial, bizarre or downright rude powers. The game
mechanics are fantastically simple which means you will never
let rules get in the way of having a good time. This is a fresh
and hilarious look at all the little guys who don’t get
invulnerability, super strength or x-ray vision while bathing
under the light of a yellow sun. The fantastic illustrations and
production quality help simplify understanding the game and the
available super powers.

Brian’s Rating: Run-out-and-buy-multiple-copies-now!

 WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD
ATTENTION FREELANCERS
Kenzer and Company is looking for a few good writers and artists!!
Get a copy of our writer’s guidelines by sending a SASE to:
KenzerCo, 1935 S. Plum Grove Rd, Suite 194, Palatine, IL 60067
or you can request them via E-mail by writing to KenzerCo@aol.com

ATTENTION RETAILERS!!!!!
KNIGHTS OF THE DINNER TABLE
COMIC BOOKS AND RELATED PRODUCTS ARE AVAILABLE
THROUGH YOUR FAVORITE GAME DISTRIBUTOR!!

Thanrus,
I’ll meet you, Brandon the Good, and the others at Seaton. I suspect that
the rumors of vampires are without basis...
Fruviad

ATTENTION MANUFACTURERS
Place an ad in WEIRD PETE’S BULLETIN BOARD. It’s an inexpensive
way to reach thousands
of really DERANGED GAMERS!
We uncovered a small cache of KODT #2s [Gluttons for Punishment] in the back of the
warehouse. These are being sold via credit card only on a first come, first served basis. If
you are interested in purchasing one of these, call or fax (847) 397-2404 or E-mail
kenzerco @aol.com with your Visa/Mastercard/Discover number and expiration date. The
cost is $6.95 + $1.00 postage & handling. Once these issues are gone, they’re gone forever!!

A SUBSCRIPTION TO Rich,
KODT makes the Ear seekers! I leave and go to
the next door down the corridor.
perfect gift!!! Fred

McBain:
See Dr. Richard, Culver City,
California. He can Help.
A Friend
WEIRD PETE”S BULLETIN BOARD is a meeting place where readers pass along information, barter, trade and gossip. Readers are invited to place
classified ads, announce group meetings, seek out other players, etc. Subscribers of KODT may place classified ads free of charge with a limit of one ad
per issue and a maximum of twenty-five words. Non-Subscribers may place ads at the rate of 50¢ per word with a limit of 25 words. Companies may
place ads at the following rates: [5.5 inches x 2 inches - 50 dollars], [2.75 inches x 2 inches - 25 dollars], [1.5 inches x 1 inch - 10 dollars]. Non-profit
organizations (serving the gaming community) and Conventions/Seminars may place ads for free. All ads are placed on a first-come-first serve basis with
subscribers having priority.
 The Good and Bad of Live Action Roleplaying
Good LARP: Good LARP:
When your friends tell their friends about it. The Players use props to heighten their belief.

Bad LARP: Bad LARP:

When your friends tell the police about it. The Players use drugs because they can't believe they paid for this.
Good LARP:
When you invent new rules to cover brand new ideas. Good LARP:
News of the last session have people lining up to play.
Bad LARP:
When you invent new laws to cover new ideas. Bad LARP:
News of the last session resulted in a police line-up.
Good LARP:
PARTING SHOTS

When you decide to have another hour or two because it's JUST THAT Good LARP:
FUN.
The moderators have players fill out suggestion forms so they can
Bad LARP: improve the game.
When you extend four hours to cover the first combat.
Bad LARP:
Good LARP: The moderators have players fill out waivers releasing them of
When people show up in costumes that took four months to make. responsibility for all ‘physical and psychological damage.’

Bad LARP: Good LARP:

When people show up in costumes that took four months to grow. Part of the proceeds go toward awards for the most outstanding
player(s).
Good LARP:
Inventive Roleplayers take the game to the next level.
Bad LARP:
Bad LARP: Part of the proceeds go toward funeral expenses for those killed during
Bored Players use a rope to get to the "NEXT LEVEL"! the game.

From the Usenet

Different Ways of Calling Someone Stupid Part Duh

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.

Got into the gene pool when the life guard wasn't One neuron short of a synapse.
looking.
Was left on the Tilt-a-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
A room temperature IQ.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
A photographic memory, but the lens cap is glued
on.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

During evolution, his ancestors were in the control

group.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the

train isn't coming.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be

watered once a week.

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d

get change back.
And Now For Something Completely Different.....
A Card Game That’s Fun(ny)

Collectible Card Game

Once again, Monty Python makes the headlines. Monty Python and The Holy
Grail Collectible Card Game (MPHG) is a zany, wacky game designed by Kenzer
and Company. Kenzer & Company was started with the unofficial slogan “Games
made by gamers, for gamers” and MPHG exemplifies that spirit of a truly enjoyable
game. From King Arthur (who has the brain of a duck, you know) to some lovely
filth down here, you steer a group of Knights of the
Round Table through England to
Avalon, in search of the Most Holy
Grrrrrail. Along the way you may
encounter The Knights Who Say Ni, a
rodent with a vicious streak a mile wide,
clever French folk who taunt you a second
time-a; even wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot awaits. All the while your
opponent is on a journey of his own through his England and you’re
each playing Questions Three, taunts and Plague Ridden Villages to
impede each other’s progress toward
an unfettered ending that can only be
described as a fair cop. So GET ON WITH IT .
Company founder, MPHG co-designer, trained
stunt man and part-time Chilean coffee grower and
llama rancher, David Kenzer, describes MPHG as “Jolly
good fun.”
“We were faced with a difficult task,” Dave adds,
“design a game that was not only fun to play and chal-
lenging, but funny; and not just funny, but PYTHON
FUNNY.” They have hit the nail on the head with a 40
ton weight. “I laughed so hard my sides hurt,” says Mr.
Spock after playing the game just once. This type of
response seems to have been expected from game designer,
beer brewer, and professional liver donor, Brian Jelke. “We
wanted people to laugh out loud when they played our game.”
But what is this game really all about? What sets this CCG apart from all the rest?
What’s the catch? It’s not the lack of naughty bits and full-frontal nudity. Then what is it?? One reason is the rib-
splitting quotes found on almost every card. “The quotes were so enjoyable, I nailed my opponent’s head to the
floor,” says D. Piranha. “That type of extreme reaction is unusual,” says co-designer, computer geek and mob hit-
man, Steve Johansson. “We knew that people would be affected to differing degrees; but we hoped to keep the body
count (and subsequent FBI investigation) to ‘an acceptable level.’”
But MPHG involves more than just great quotes. There is also play acting, taunts, head tapping, spankings and a
few raspberries. Every gamer knows that nothing is more fun than verbally abusing and mocking your friends during
game play. The beauty of MPHG is that the taunting is built right in. A close second to taunting in gamer enjoy-
ment is embarrassing your friends in public. MPHG encourages this with song cards that require your opponent to
stand and sing such classics as the Brave Sir Robin Song, or the Knights of the Round Table Song. Singing is volun-
tary, of course, but if your opponent does not sing, a nasty effect listed on the card will occur. Besides songs, other
cards require head-tapping, raspberries, hip shaking, sword swallowing, high jumping and sumo wrestling.
Quite a bit of strategy is involved both during the game and before. While playing you have to make key, split
second decisions about whether to use your wits, combat or to stand and shout “Run Away! Run Away!” CPA and
retired rodeo bull rider, Jennifer Kenzer explains, “[T]he game is simple, but the strategy is all rather complex.
Almost every card has both a
primary and a secondary
ability so it’s hard to decide
when to play your cards
because you have so many
options.”

60 card Starter Decks $10.95

15 card Booster Packs $3.45
Monty Python and the Holy Grail CCG is produced by Kenzer and Company, the exclusive holder of the worldwide card game license from Python (Monty) Pictures,
Ltd. Card content and design © Copyright 1997 Kenzer and Company. All Rights Reserved. Movie stills © NFTC Ltd.
 TURBOCHARGE
YOUR CAMPAIGN
Exciting Adventure Supplements set in Kalamar
Like all Kenzer and Company products, these adventures have been designed with
the Gamemaster in mind. Both feature ImageQuest - a pullout picturebook of real-
istic artwork keyed to the text. Each story contains fully developed historical back-
grounds and perspectives of all the major protagonists. All descriptions have boxed
text for speedy play and a wealth of aids for GM and players alike are included.
These supplements are suitable for use with any role-playing system, including, but
not limited to, Advanced Dungeons & Dragons®*.

“Gamemastering has never been so easy or so much fun!” - B.A. Felton

Tragedy in the House of Brodeln Secret Temple of Adajy

Duke Aldriv III has been brutally murdered
and his brother, Prince Cardor, has disappeared.
Prince Cardor’s son, Mordeln. believes he may
be the assassins’ next target. Let your player’s
personalities come alive as they join forces with
Mordeln in his desperate race to find his miss-
ing father. Can your players find the Prince
before the assassins do?
This accessory provides entry level characters
with a chance for every type of adventure:
town, wilderness & dungeon. You will take
your PCs to the Duchy of Etwerl in southern
Mendarn, within the village of Yelden, into the
dungeons of Castle Brodeln, through the Narond
Forest and up the Yan Elenon Mountains.
$ 9.95
Danger lurks in and around Thygasha, the famous
City of Dreams...
Religious factions disrupt the peace with mortal com-
bat in the streets, prospectors have been disappearing,
the Orb of Midnight - an evil artifact - has been stolen,
Prince Shyja’s scout troops are missing and an ancient
burial crypt has suddenly reappeared.
This 72 page world supplement and free-flowing
adventure setting has hooks for mid-level characters of
any motivation from chivalry or knowledge to greed
and evil. You will take your players to Thygasha on
the eastern side of Renaaria Bay, around the Arajyd
Hills, into the foreboding Khydoban desert, through
two dangerous dungeons, and back again.
$ 9.95

*Advanced Dungeons & Dragons is a registered trademark of Wizards of the Coast. Use of this trade-
mark is NOT sanctioned by the holder. Mythos of the Divine and Worldly, Sourcebook of the Sovereign
Lands, HackMaster and the Kingdoms of Kalamar are trademarks of Kenzer and Company.