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84 TEN-MINUTE PLAYS: VOLUME 5

by

Jane Martin

85
TATTOO

(Three women in their 20s sit on chairs facing a door upstage.


UNK [shortfor Linchovna] is dressed in black slacl<s, has shon
blond lwir several earrings and all ten fingers adorned with
rings. IENNY is dressed in a suit as a young advertising ac-
count executive might for a date. JONES is tmore in the girly-
girl vein with curly hair and Laura Ashley style: She is a gradu-
ate student who works also as awaitress.)

JENNY. What time is it?


JONES. (Very Southern. ) 7 :45.
JENNY. Where is this guy?
LINK. (A Russinn accent.) He will come. He is sister's ex-hus-
band. Very reliable person. He will come.
JONES. But ... like if they both ... I mean what do we do if, you
know, they both ...
LINK. Very reliable.
JONES. I am sweating like a shot-putter.
JENNY. Calm down. Breathe. (Knock.) See.
JONES. But what if it's ...
LINK. Is Vladimir. Very Russian knock. Okay? I get.
JONES. But if it's William, do we ...
LINK. Only Russian is knocking so deliberate as this. You sit, I
do. (She goes to the door) Ah. (Russian ) Ooh m*y6h b frll pree-
pr{h-dok syr{ird-tsuh. Tih uh-priz-dah-v6-yesh. (You gave me a heart
attack. You are late.)
VLADIMIR. ( Russian. ) 1*hv-t6e-booss pree-sh6al pfhz-dnuh.
Yah l6ohch-shuh dy6luhl shtaw smrig. (Bus was late. I did the best
I could.) (He enters. He is big, very big, and bearded and tattooed.
He has a bag with him much like an old-fashioned doctor bag.)
(K)huh-ruh-sh6w, 6h-tut chEl-uh-vi6k gdyeh aown. (Okay, this guy
he is where?)
JONES. My God, he's speaking Russian

87
88 TEN-MINUTE pLAyS:VOLUME 5
LINK. He ls Russian. All Russians are coming to your country,
TAITOO 89
qet (Russian.) Aown n'ee yesh-chdw niee pree-ydh-1t<1hui1. drawers." I was pointing out that there are issues of privacy, that
1eady.
Ee-d6e zhdoo f6h-toy k*6m-nah-tuh. (He hasn't arriu"i. Go in there are questions of trust ... (Realizes he is still embracing LINK.)
thut
room and wait.) Oh. Excuse me. (He releases her) I was so ...
VLADIMIR. (Russian.) (K) huh-ruh-sh6w n"o* ooh mi"n_ydh JENNY. Fucked up.
svee-dilh-nyuh chr6e-ez chahss. gtr-tutr dvair? (Okay, but in one WILLIAM. No, not fucked up, Jenny, taken aback. Yes. Com-
hour I have an appointment. That door?) pletely taken aback that you ...
JENNY. Knew each other.
(VI-4DIMIR heads toward the other room.) WILLIAM. No. I didn't say ... you are putting, unfairly, words
in my mouth. Look Jenny, if you are looking for the negative, you
LINK. (Russian.) Da. (yes.) will find the negative. If you insist something is shoddy, it will
JENNY. What did you tell him? look shoddy to you.
LINK. Be ready. We will tell him when. Call him in. JONES. My daddy will come down here and eat your lunch!
J9ijES^. Is this really a good idea? Is this really, really, really
a
WILLIAM. Jones, will you for once in your life wait to start
good idea? crying until there is something to cry about?
JENNY. We need closure. He needs closure. There is going to JONES. You slept with me at 6A.M. this morning!
be closure. WILLIAM. Well, yes I did, Jones. I did that. Well, actually, it
was around 6;15.
(A knock on the door) JENI.IY. So that was the early meeting?
WILLIAM. Well no, I mean yes, there was an early meeting ...
JONES. (Wispering.) Oh my God. Oh my God it's him. I have JONES. You said you had to see me. You said you were wracked
a good idea. You guys do this. you'll be better at this than me. I,ll with desire.
just ... oh my God, can I do this? LINK. Wracked with desire?
LINK. Sit down. Not to vacillate. We do tltts. (They anange JENNY. You said that to me at lunch.
themselves onthe chairs.) Okay. Very calm. Very good. This
is io
WILLIAM. Okay, hold it...
more than result of his actions. we are a living rogic for him.
Breath- JENNY. It's why I went into the trees with you in the park.
ing. Breathing. Good. Okay. We begin. (An-othir knock.) I am
lik_
LINK. "Wracked with desire," yes, it's very charming.
ing this. WILLIAM. Excuse me ...
LINK. In the trees his methodology is what?
(She opens the door The man outside, WILLIAM, immediately grabs JENNY. Kissed my neck.
her and pulls her into a passionate kiss. Arter it has goni iryo, JONES. That's it! That's what he does! He goes for your
awhile, he has the sense of being watched. He remives hls itps goddamn neck like an attack doglAnd here I was thinking that
from LINK and sees the seatedioman.) was because he was wracked with desire!
LINK. Then hand goes up leg. He is then unbuttons the blouse...
WILLIAM. Oh shit. JONES. Then he starts saying "please," he says "please" over
JENNY. Hello, William. and over and over! Please, please, please!
JONES. Hi. LINK. Is like puppy.
LINK. (Still in his arms.) Hello, William. WILLIAM. All right, goddamnit, I concede the point!
W.[LIAy. (T_aing to rec-ovex) All right, all right, rhis is really JENNY He "concedes" the point.
... an intrusion. This is really second-rate is whit it is. I
cannot
WILLIAM. If the point is that I am having more than one rela-
believe ... have I ever gone through your purses, have I ever gone tionship, you can get offthat point because nobody is arguing with
through... you!
JENNY. You were going to say ..our drawers?" JENI{Y. Oh good.
WILLIAM. No, no, I wasn't, Jenny, I wasn't going to say ,,your WILLIAM. We can calm down!
JENNY. Fine.
90 IEN-MINUTE PLAYS: VOLUME 5
TAITOO 9I
JONES. You made love to me at 6 A.M. this morning ! you called
account executive, but you have a demeaningly reductive view of
me your little tuna melt!
JENNY. Tuna melt?
life. That is one of the reasons your spirit hai iought me out. you
want to be carried into deeper water.
LINK. What is tuna melt?
JENNY. Well, I will admit that it's getting pretty deep.
JENNY. You took me behind the trees at noon.
LINK. And tonight you will teach me Kama Sutra. WILLIAM. Now I'm not saying there aren,t issues here. Mat-
ters of the heart, intimacies that I want to discuss with you alone,
WILLIAM. This isn't about sex. This is about something way
Jenny, and you too Jones, ofcourse I meant you, too.
more profound than sex.
JENNY. Oh good, because I thought it was about sex. JONES. Okay now, I want to get down and talk some Georgia
talk here ... you know, get right on down in the red dirt here ... and
WILLIAM. Well, it isn't, Jenny, it's about ...
JENNY. Screwing like a rabbit. what I got on my mind is "am I ls or am I ain,t your Tuna Melt?',
WILLIAM. No. WILLIAM. I am what you need me to be, Iones. (LINK toclcs
the door) What are you doing, Link?
JENNY. Completely indiscriminate sex.
LINK. Altogether impersonal. LINK. I am making here old-fashioned totalitarian state.
JENNY. (Moving one chair away from the others.) Sit down,
JENNIY. Wildly dysfunctionat.
William.
JONES. He called me his "tuna melt."
WILLIAM. I see no reason to sit down.
IEI{NY Okay, Jones, that adds a dollop of romance. JENNY. Bill, do you remember when we very recently began
_ .WII.LIAM. You may not recognize ttrii but it's aboutpassion. seriously to make our wedding plans?
It is a frank admission that complex personalities have iomplex
needs, and that ...
WILLIAM. Yes, I do.
JENNIY. Do you remember saying you wanted a really big wed-
JENNY. Pointof order.
ding?
WILLIAM. Each of those needs finds passionate fulfillment ...
JENNY. Point of order.
WILLIAM. Yes I do.
WILLIAM. Whar? JENNY. And I said, "Honey, I just don't know that many
JENNY. You are the complex personality in question? g9ople," and you said, "Sweetie, I could list two hundred family,
friends and business associates right now.,'And I bet you ten doi-
WILLIAM. Yes, I am.
lars and, by golly, you sat right down and did it!
JENll"Y. Just trying to keep up.
WILLIAM. Now each one of you is very different. LINK. He has good organizational memory to do rfus he had to
have such a memory.
JENNY. We are very different.
WILLIAM. And in each case a different part of me responds. I JENNY. (Taking a paper out of her biefcase.)Now, Bill, this is
don't give the same thing, I don't get the same thing. The^me that the account ofyour activities today that I plan to fax to that list if
you don't sit down. (He glances over the letter and sits down.) I
is with each of you could not respond to the otheri. That self is
faithful and would never betray you. you wouldn't want that part know it's a little heavy on sexual specifics, but you have such a
remarkably individual style I rhought ir made good reading.
of me you don't have, and were I not as complex as I am there
wouldn't have been enough ofeach part ofme for you to relate to, JONES. I am never dressing up like that again at 6 A.M. !
to care about, in fact, to love. WILLIAM. What precisely is it that you want?
LINK. Ah.
(There is a long, stunned pause.) JENNY. Ah.
JONES. Ah.
JONES. Whar the hellishe talking about?
JENNY. What precisely? Well, we want you to meet someone.
LINK. He has many souls. LINK. (Rassian.) Vlah-d6e-meer, vuh-(k)huh-d6e ! puh-nih rah-
b"o*-tdhts. (Vladimir, come in ! It is time to go to work.) (VLADIMIR
JENNY. He da three-souled man.
enters.) Vladimir, I am wanting you to meet interesting person
WILLIAM. Go ahead, Jenny, make fun of what you don't un_
William. William, this is interesting person Vladimir.
derstand. You are a wonderful person, a very talented advertising
92 TEN-MINUTE pLAyS: VOLUME 5
TAmOO 93
(VIADIMIR clicks his heels and bows slightly.)
MLLIAM. You know perfectly well that would ruin my ca-
reer.
... YLL.IAM. If you are planning to kill me or harm me, I would JENNY. Well, see no% we just seem to be on the horns of a
like it to be clearly understood that I am a lawyer, my friends
are dilemma.
lawyers, my mother is a lawyer, my brother bon
is aferocious JONES. Your career or your rear.
luly:ljnd rou will pay. p-A-y. nay.
LINK. I like this, William, this is very dramatic, but in this LINK. The lady ...
time JONES. Or your skinny white butt.
we don't kill you. This is very funny idea though. you make good
Russian joke. Wait, one moment, I
WILLIAM. How the hell did the three of you find out about
iell VladimIr. each other?
(In Russian, LINK communicates WILLIAM| LINK. Vladimir is also private detective.
laughs and slaps WLLIAM on the back.)
fean VLADIMIR WILLIAM. (To LINK.) And what made you think you needed a
private detective?
JENNY. Okay, so it's ..the lady and the tiger.,, Behind LINK. Because, my darling, I am Russian.
.
the choice is yours. Here's the dial. I wil iax
rwo doors, JENNY. So what'll it be, Billy?
the aforementioned WILLIAM. Can I have just a goddamn minute here?
document to the aforementioned list, or VlaOimir
will tattoo on JONES. I'm gonna wash your mouth out with soap.
your butt our version ofwhat you did today.
LINK. Man must come to terms with tragic fate. Is good. Okay,
(JENNY hands WILLIAM another piece while you think, Vladimir will sing you song of suffering and trans-
of paper) figuration from Ukraine. (VLADIMIR does; it has no words but
great feeling.) And I will read you Kama Sutra.
WILLIAM. What?!
JONES. Signed.
WILLIAM. OhGod.
JENNY. And dated. LINK. You say tonight our souls, our bodies will become one
WILLIAM. You through Kama Sutra. This I don't want to miss.
are kidding.
. . .ryNIY. Take a good look it Vhaimir. Does he look like he,s (UNK begins reading the first few sentences of the Kama Sutra.
kidding?
"Man, the period of whose life is one hundredyears, should
(VL\DIMIR opens his bag, takes out a small towel practise Dharma, Anha and Kama at different times and in such
and begins a tnanner that they may harmonize together and not clash in
laying out the tools of iis trade.)
any way. He shouW acquire leaming in his childhood, in his
youth and middle age he should attend to Artha and Kama, and
LINK. In Russia this man is thoracic surgeon, but in America
he is tattoo artist. Such is fate of Russian peipte.
in his old age he should perform Dharma, and thus seek to gain
(Russraz.) Niee M o ksha, i. e., re Ie as e fro m fu rthe r trans mi g ratio n. " V I^A,D I M I R
pliihts, moy droohg. (Do not weep, my friend)
sings more softly and prepares, The women watch. WILLIAM
(He wipes his eyes.) fumes and puts his head in his hands.)

(Lights Out.)
. WILLIAM. (Still holding. the paper) I am supposed to go
through life with this tattooed on my 6utti
. ryNNY. William, like many pharrnaceuticals, you need a warn_
ing label.
JONES. But they can take a tattoo off.
LINK. Not with Russian inks. END OFPLAY
WILLIAM. I cannot believe this is happening to me!
JENNY. So you choose the fax?

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