TASK: SELF-REGULATION
From Co-Regulation to Regulation
Kids learn best in the context of an
adult/caregiver who is well-regulated.
Kids cannot regulate without being taught
to regulate first.
When adults lose control of their emotions
and their words when communicating with
a child, they are essentially teaching the
child to only comply, listen, and follow
through in the context of extreme emotions
and words.
This does not teach regulation. This
teaches compliance out of fear.
Depending on the child’s personality, some
will shut down or withdraw. Others will lash
out and challenge the adult’s authority.
Still others will continue their misbehavior.
In order to teach a child to self-regulate, we
need to teach them.
We can do this by: Remaining calm,
speaking in a firm and direct voice, and
remaining in control of our emotions and
words
Parenting is not about winning a
battle against your child. It is about
loving them through their difficulties.
Don’t risk winning the battle and
losing your child in the process.
-Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, PsyD, ABPP
Tel: 210-816-4149
16607 Blanco Road, Ste 1107, San Antonio, Texas 78232
www.anewdaysa.com
Other helpful recommendations:
Provide choices between two desirable
outcomes
You can choose to do A or B
Help child utilize and practice coping
skills: It didn’t go this way and so it’s okay.
Deep breathing
Muscle tension and relaxation
Take a break
Provide time limits
Write down “to do” tasks at bedtime (to
decrease worrying at bedtime)
If child makes self-loathing/self-
deprecating/negative statements about
themselves:
1. Listen
2. Join child in the resistance.
3. Empathize: “Of course you feel that way.”
4. Validate: “Many people feel that way when
they…[make mistakes, don’t do something
right.”]
5. Joint Solution: “What do you need from me
right now?”, “What will help you?”
Help child build “Feeling Vocabulary” (this
builds self-monitoring skills)
Use feeling words when child cannot find
the words
Avoid using word “angry” (just a cover-up
emotion for other emotions)
Help child identify the emotion based on
their emotional expression