To: Jim Okrasinski

From: Dena Almusa

Subject: Rationale and Revisions
12/07/2019

Good Evening Mr. Okrasinski,

I would like to take this time to demonstrate my writing progression so far and to reflect on my
previous essays for this course. Quite frankly, I walked into this class thinking it would be rather
easy for me to write the essays required, but after receiving the grade for my first essay, it was
clear to me that I would have to recognize the flaws and weaknesses in my writing. With that
being said, I look at the term revision as a second chance in writing because it allows the writer
to actually confront their shortcomings, whether it pertains to miss-usage of specific words or not
completely answering the objectives given for the essay. Personally, I struggled immensely with
vague explanations and unnecessary statements. Being able to reflect on the comments of
yours and my peers has allowed me to realize my weaknesses and strengths in writing. For
instance, the steps taken to revise for different audiences and contexts include reading your
comments, reviewing my peer-reviews, and looking back at the text itself in order to get a better
understanding of what I have previously misinterpreted.

In regards to my writing process and revisions, I truly believe that peer reviews played a great
role in my development as a writer because it forces me to engage with my own writing and
allows me to reflect on the sections that I feel needs improving. Furthermore, it gives me the
opportunity to have my peers either encourage my strengths in writing or confront the
vagueness and lack of support that I have yet to comprehend. Participating in peer reviews
allows me to identify errors in my papers because I am essentially reviewing and editing my
writing in order for it to be better understood and followed. Additionally, peer reviewing my
classmate’s papers also gives me the chance to see how they perceived the article and how
they were able to synthesize ideas together in order to interpret their paper as a whole.

I chose to revise essays number 1 and 2 because I received a low grade on both and was
given a lot of feedback that I can use in order to improve my papers. With that being said, I gave
myself a couple of days to revise each of the essays so I can change some sections, further
explain, and tie any loose ends I have in any of my paragraphs.

For essay number one, my personal narrative had a lot of mistakes in regards to grammar but I
felt like that problem wasn’t as significant as the others because I made the mistake of not
reviewing my final draft before submitting it. The main problem I had with this essay was my lack
of description and fine detail. For instance, I mentioned that I learned tips that would strengthen
my writing, but never went more in depth to actually describe what they were. When revising this
essay, I made it a priority to go further in detail on sections that lacked explanation. I was able to
accomplish this by using your saying “show, don't tell”. I also highlighted portions that you felt
needed better clarification, as well as highlighting statements that I felt were either too wordy
and needed to be shortened. For instance, I was vague in my explanation of the sessions I
attended in Arabic school. So when I began revising, I made sure to add more details in
explaining the literature and vernacular taught, as well as demonstrating how these skills were
beneficial to my writing.

I originally planned to discuss more about the Arabic school I attended in order for my audience
to have a better understanding of what I was actually taught; however, I neglected this essay
and applied last minute closing statements that appeared to be vague. I believe I had the
opportunity to better explain my thoughts and to make my sentences more concise. Although I
felt like I integrated my support thoroughly, my focus wasn't as clear as I hoped it to be. For that
reason, when I was revising, I had the tendency to repeatedly ask myself “why is this
significant?” so I can make sure that my purpose in writing was clearly understood among the
audience.

Essay 2 was the other paper I decided to revise because I received a low grade, but more
importantly, I felt like knowing how to properly write a summary would be beneficial when
continuing my academic career. I wanted to make sure that I was able to effectively write this
paper for my specific audience without adding any personal thoughts. I revised this essay by
removing any commentary that I thought was my own and not of the author. I also added further
explanation in certain topics that I deemed were more significant than others. With that being
said, I made it a priority to synthesize the various blue collar works that Rose had mentioned in
order to show the similarities and the abundance of cognitive intelligence that many utilize in
their line of work.

I originally planned to add more details in regards to uncle Joe’s contributions, but was not able
to because I felt like I was adding personal opinions where it was not required. But being able to
have time to revise and look back at yours and my peers’ comments made it easier for me to
synthesize Rose’s claims about uncle Joe’s acquired skills and knowledge from General Motors.
My original opening did not introduce Rose, therefore when I was revising I made sure to give a
background on the author in order for the audience to have a better understanding of the
summary. I believe I made my focus clearer by taking notes on Rose’s article in order to avoid
sounding exactly like him. Also, I was able to integrate more support thoroughly by introducing
a claim made by Rose and then providing a specific example that goes along with it. This would
allow the trade school recruiters to have a better understanding on how blue collar jobs, like
uncle Joes, utilize machinery or implement tactics through their personal experiences.

As I conclude my email, I would like to take this time to thank you for everything you have taught
my peers and I. With that being said, I plan to utilize your teachings to the best of my ability as
my academic career progresses.

All the best,

Dena Almusa