Emma Suarez

Dr. Novak

English 101

7 November 2019

Peer Review comments WP #3

Introduction​: I think your audience can connect to your introduction. The point of the essay isn't

introduced until the second paragraph. This is fine however I think that the point should be

slightly touched upon in the first paragraph as well. In order to further identify the significance

of the issue may be some statistics could be used to give the reader some perspective on how big

this problem is.

Thesis​: The gap model is used. To clearly present the positions disputed a suggestion would be

maybe to change the phrase "they have missed the importance of a child's right to privacy" to

"they have ignored their child's right to privacy." Also "allows them to surely protect their kids

on their phones" could be changed to "allows them to protect their kids from danger while using

their phone." The main claim can be clearer by basically stating that parental tracking technology

invades the privacy of their children. There is no need to include "this paper will show how."

Structure​: The reader can understand what will be discussed in the paragraph based on the topic

sentence. However, the sentences are either lengthy or a jump to sentence, meaning that "we just

finished this now we're going to talk about this." I find that there are many different good points

made about the topic however is seems repetitive and could use revision on the wording of some

sentences. All paragraphs seem to stay on topic.

Evidence​: Each paragraph has only one piece of evidence to support the paragraph’s claim. The

connection between paragraph point and evidence are discussed. Additional research to look for

to deepen your argument would be if any kids have stated how they felt as a result of their

parents keeping tabs of their phone usage. Also, look for statistics and research that demonstrate

how big this issue is and what consequences resulted from parents using this type of technology.

Alternative Views​: Alternative views are not discussed. Instead of focusing solely on how the

child perceives this "stalking," talk about some of the parent’s viewpoints other than wanting to

protect their child. This could be that they don't trust them, they feel better when they know

where they are, or they want to know who they are talking to.

Integration of Sources​: There is no introduction of sources and signaling of phrases missing.

In-text citations were accurate. Like I mentioned before, some statistics would be great.

Style and Mechanics​: Editing wise would occur in the body paragraphs because there are many

awkward sentences that could be fixed. There are also sentences that pretty much repeat the same

thing so those could be taken out.

Conclusion​: The paper concludes with a summary of the ideas that were discussed throughout

the paper. To make the conclusion more interesting touch upon the thesis but don't restate it.

Also, point out that kids have a voice and parents should respect their privacy. Something along

those lines would be great.

Works Cited​: Works cited is formatted in MLA format.