Hello?

What?
Yes?
He said - Come to the campus at 8.
What? On the tank.

Sir, kindly switch off your mobile Oh shucks!

phone.
Hurry!
Just one sec, please.
Ok.
Excuse me.
Honey, l'll be back soon.
Excuse me... Oh, shoes.

Sir, please sit down. We found our buddy.

Captain, there's a medical emergency. What?

A passenger has just Tell me later - bye.

fallen down in the aisle.
You forgot your pants.
Delhi, Air lndia 101 returning
due to medical emergency. Now to the hotel sir?

Excuse me, sir. Yes, but via Imperial College of

Engineering.
Hold on!
Ok sir.
l'm fine now, thanks.
Carry on, please. Forgot my socks.

Wait. More than just your socks...

- Get the car! your pants.

- Mr. Dhillon?
Oh no.
Want the name tattooed?
Get the car. Now get my brother
from the airport
To the hotel, sir?
Same last name - Dhillon
Yes, yes, but via Vasant Vihar.
This is Dhillon.
Step on the gas, dude! Where's my cab? On the runway?

Yeah, Farhan? Hey Rancho

Get ready. l'll pick you up Hey Chatur, where's Rancho?

in five minutes.
Rancho
What happened?
Where's Rancho?
Chatur called. Remember him?
Welcome, idiots
The 'Silencer'?
Some 'madeira' for you?
Yeah.
The same rum you
He said Rancho is coming. guzzled those days.
Have a drink. To meet Rancho.

Where is Rancho? Come and see where l've reached

and where he rots
Patience. First look at this
So you know where Rancho is?
Don't eye my wife. Check out
the mansion behind, idiots Yes.

$ 3.5 million Where?

Swimming pool - heated! He is in Shimla.

Living room - maple wood flooring Free as the wind was he

My new Lamborghini 6496 cc - Like a soaring kite was he

very fast. Where did he go... let's find him

Why're you showing us all this? Free as the wind was he

Forgot? Like a soaring kite was he

What's this? Where did he go... let's find him

'5th September'. Today's date We were led by the path we took

l challenge you While he carved a path of his own

We'll meet again after ten years Stumbling, rising, carefree walked he

Same day. Same place We fretted about the morrow

We'll see who's more successful He simply reveled in today

Have the balls? C'mon, bet! Living each moment to the fullest

Remember? l'd challenged Where did he come from...

that idiot right here
He who touched our
l kept my promise. l'm back hearts and vanished...

Jackass! l aborted a flight, Where did he go... let's find him

he forgot his pants
ln scorching Sun,
all to meet Rancho he was like a patch of shade...

5 years we've searched. ln an endless desert, like an oasis...

Don't know if he's alive
On a bruised heart,
and you think he'll show up like soothing balm was he
for your silly bet
Afraid, we stayed confined in the well
l know he won't show up
A Fearless, he frolicked in the river
You gonna break his jaw
or should l Never hesitating to swim
against the tide
So why'd you call us here?
He wandered lonesome as a cloud
... Yet he was our dearest friend
Where did he go... let's find him
Rancho
Ranchoddas Shamaldas Chanchad
He was as unique as his name
From birth we were taught -
Life is a race
Run fast or you'll be trampled
Even to be born, one had to race
300 million sperms
1978. l was born at 5.15 pm
At 5.16, my father announced
My son will be an engineer.
- Farhan Qureshi. B.Tech. Engineer
And my fate was sealed
What l wanted to be... no one asked
Raju Rastogi...
Ranchoddas Chanchad
Room number?
D-26
C'mon
l'm Man Mohan. MM
These engineers call me
Millimeter
For eggs, bread, milk, laundry
finishing journals,
copying assignments
l'm your guy. Fixed rates.
No bargaining
Hey wait, hold this
Meet Kilobyte, Megabyte
and their mother Gigabyte
Go ahead, click -
this family doesn't bite.
Check him out...
another God-fearing soul.
- Hi. Farhan Qureshi.
- l'm Raju Rastogi.
Don't worry.
a few days here and
he'll lose faith in God.
Then naked babes will be
on the wall, and he'll say -
"Oh God, give me one chance with her"
Get out of here.
Four bucks. Two per bag.
Here's five. Keep the change.
Thanks boss. For your tip,
here's one in return -
Wear your best underwear tonight.
Why?
Your Majesty, thou art great
Accept this humble offering
Ha... here's a He-Man
What a pretty piece.
Cute and compact
A campus tradition - On Day 1...
Freshmen must pay
their respects to Seniors
in their underwear.
This is when we first saw Rancho
Spiderman
Batman
Fresh meat
Greetings.
Drop your pants, get stamped
Name?
'Ranchoddas Shamaldas Chanchad'
What a mouthful!
Needs serious cramming
Come on - pants off
Being stubborn?
Wet pants not good, kiddo.
Take them off
- Aall izz well.
- What's that?
Aall izz well.
What did he say?
Someone tell him.
Hey James Bond.
Make him understand.
Take off your pants or
they are going to piss on you.
Hey 007!
Ashamed to speak Hindi?
Sorry sir, l was born in Uganda,
studied in Pondicherry
so little slow in Hindi
So explain slowly. No hurry
Feeling cold?
Pray undress
or he'll do
'urine-expulsion' on you
Calls pissing 'urine-expulsion'!
A true linguist
in the land of engineers!
Hey, come out of there
Come out or...
or l'll do 'urine-expulsion'
on your door
lf you aren't out by
the count of ten
l'll do 'urine-expulsion'
on your door all semester
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Salt water is a great conductor
of electricity. 8th Grade Physics
We had studied it.
He applied it
Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe
was the Director of lCE
Students called him Virus,
computer Virus
Virus on the way, with eggs
Freshmen are summoned.
Come quickly
Virus was the most competitive
man we had ever seen
He couldn't bear anyone
getting ahead of him
To save time,
his shirts had Velcro
and his ties had hooks
He'd trained his mind to write
with both hands simultaneously
Everyday at 2 pm he took a
71/2 minute power nap
with an opera as lullaby
Govind, his valet, had instructions
to carry out all unproductive tasks
such as shaving, nail-cutting etc
What is this?
- Sir, nest
Whose?
- A koel bird's nest, sir
Wrong
A koel bird never makes
her own nest
She lays her eggs in
other nests
And when they hatch,
what do they do?
They push the other eggs
out of the nest
Competition over
Their life begins with murder.
That's nature
Compete or die
You also are like the koel birds
And these are the eggs
you smashed to get into lCE
Don't forget, lCE gets
400,000 applications a year
and only 200 are selected - You!
And these? Finished.
Broken eggs
My son... he tried for three years
Rejected. Every time
Remember, life is a race
If you don't run fast,
you'll get trampled
Let me tell you a
very interesting story
This is an astronaut pen
Fountain pens and ballpoint pens
don't work in outer space
So scientists spent
millions to invent this pen
It can write at any angle, in any
temperature, in zero gravity
One day, when I was a student
the Director of our institute
called me
He said, 'Viru Sahastrabuddhe.'
I said, 'Yes sir'
'Come here!'
I got scared
He showed me this pen
He said, 'This is a
symbol of excellence'
'I give it to you'
'When you come across an
extraordinary student like yourself
...pass it onto him'
For 32 years, I've been
waiting for that student
But no luck
Anyone here, who'll strive
to win this pen?
Good.
Put your hands down
Shall I post it on the notice board?
Hands down
One question, sir
Sir, if pens didn't work
in outer space
why didn't the astronauts
use a pencil?
They'd have saved millions
I will get back to you on this
He zaps a Senior's privates
at night
fingers the Director in the day.
Best avoid him
You deflated Virus's erection
Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering
Buzz off.
You don't have school?
Who'll pay for it? Your pop?
Keep off my dad!
- Relax
For school you don't need
tuition money, just a uniform
Pick a school,
buy the uniform, slip into class
In that sea of kids,
no one will notice
If I get caught?
- Then new uniform, new school
See that?
- He was different...
He challenged conventions
at every stage
A free-spirited bird had
landed in Virus's nest
We were robots, blindly following
our professors' commands
He was the only one
who was not a machine
What is a machine?
Why're you smiling?
Sir, to study Engineering
was a childhood dream
I'm so happy to be here finally
No need to be so happy.
Define a machine
A machine is anything that
reduces human effort
Will you please elaborate?
Anything that simplifies work,
or saves time, is a machine
It's a warm day, press a button,
get a blast of air
The fan... A machine!
Speak to a friend miles away.
The telephone... A machine!
Compute millions in seconds.
The calculator... A machine!
We're surrounded by machines
From a pen's nib to a pants' zip -
all machines
Up and down in a second.
Up, down, up, down...
What is the definition?
I just gave it to you, sir
You'll write this in the exam?
This is a machine - up, down...
Idiot! Anybody else?
Yes?
Sir, machines are any combination
of bodies so connected
that their relative motions
are constrained
and by which means, force
and motion may be transmitted
and modified as a screw
and its nut, or a lever arranged
to turn about a fulcrum
or a pulley about its pivot, etc
especially, a construction,
more or less complex
consisting of a combination
of moving parts, or
simple mechanical elements,
as wheels, levers, cams etc
Wonderful
Perfect. Please sit down
Thank you
But sir, I said the same thing,
in simple language
If you prefer simple language,
join an Arts and Commerce college
But sir, one must get
the meaning too
What's the point of blindly
cramming a bookish definition
You think you're smarter
than the book?
Write the textbook definition, mister,
if you want to pass
But there are other books...
- Get out!
Why?
In simple language - Out!
Idiot!
So, we were discussing
the machine...
Why're you back?
I forgot something
What?
Instruments that record,
analyze, summarize, organize
debate and explain information;
that are illustrated, non-illustrated
hard-bound, paperback,
jacketed, non jacketed
with foreword, introduction,
table-of-contents, index
that are intended for the
enlightenment, understanding
enrichment, enhancement and
education of the human brain
through the sensory route of
vision, sometimes touch
What do you mean?
Books, sir
I forgot my books. May I?
Couldn't you ask simply?
I tried earlier, sir.
It simply didn't work
Professors kept Rancho
mostly out... seldom in
When thrown out of one class,
he'd slip into another
He said - First year or fourth year,
it's knowledge. Just grab it
He was unlike any of us
We fought for a shower
every morning
He'd bathe wherever
he found water
Morning, sir
Machines were his passion
When he spotted them,
he opened them
Some he could re-assemble...
some he couldn't
There was another, just like him
Joy Lobo
Sir. Excuse me, sir
Mr. Joy Lobo!
Sir, if I could know the
convocation dates...
Why?
Dad wants to make
train reservations
I'm the first engineer from my
village. Everyone wants to attend
In that case, call your dad
Please hurry up.
Don't waste my time
Hello
Dad, the Director wants to
speak to you
Joy!
Mr. Lobo, your son won't
graduate this year
What happened, sir?
He has violated all deadlines
Mr. Lobo, it's an unrealistic project
He is making some
nonsense helicopter
I suggest you don't book
your tickets. I'm so sorry
Sir, I am this close, sir
- Is your project ready?
Is your project ready?
- Sir, see it once, please
Submit it, and we'll consider
Sir, a small extension...
- Why, why should I?
After dad's stroke,
I couldn't focus for two months
Did you stop eating?
No
Stopped bathing?
So why stop studying?
Sir, I'm very close.
See it once, please...
Mr. Lobo!
Sunday afternoon, my son
fell off a train and died
Monday morning, I taught a class.
So don't give me that nonsense
I can give you sympathy,
not an extension
Sir... I'm very close...
♪ Lifelong I lived ♪
♪ The life of another ♪
♪ For just one moment ♪
♪ Let me live as I... ♪
♪ Lifelong I lived ♪
♪ The life of another ♪
♪ For just one moment ♪
♪ Let me live as I... ♪
♪ Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain ♪
♪ Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again ♪
♪ Give me some sunshine
Give me some rain ♪
♪ Give me another chance
I wanna grow up once again ♪
Dude's come up with an
amazing design
A wireless camera atop a helicopter
Can be used for
traffic updates, security... Wow!
But Virus said it's an
impractical design, it won't fly
It will fly! We'll make it fly
Don't tell Joy. It'll be a surprise
We'll fly it up to his window
and capture his reaction
If we work on his project,
who'll work on ours?
Tests, vivas, quizzes -
42 exams per semester
You scare easily, bro
Take your hand, put it over your
heart, and say, 'Aal izz well'
All is well?
- Aal izz well
Words of wisdom from
His Holiness Guru Ranchoddas
We had an old watchman
in our village
On night patrol, he'd call out,
'Aal izz well'
And we slept peacefully.
Then there was a theft
and we learned that
he couldn't see at night!
He'd just yell 'Aal izz well',
and we felt secure
That day I understood
this heart scares easily
You have to trick it
However big the problem,
tell your heart, 'All is well, pal'
That resolves the problem?
No. But you gain courage to face it
Learn it up, bro.
We're gonna really need it here
♪ When life spins out of control
Just let your lips roll ♪
♪ Let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ When life spins out of control
Just let your lips roll ♪
♪ Just let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ Yell - All is Well... ♪
♪ The chicken's clueless
about the egg's fate ♪
♪ Will it hatch or
become an omelette ♪
♪ No one knows
what the future holds ♪
♪ So let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ Whistle away the toll
Yell - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey mate - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
♪ Confusion and more confusion
No sign of any solution ♪
♪ Ah... finally a solution
But wait... what was the question? ♪
♪ If the timid heart with fear
is about to die ♪
♪ Then con it bro,
with this simple lie ♪
♪ Heart's an idiot,
it will fall under that spell ♪
♪ Let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ Whistle away the toll
Yell - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey mate - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
♪ Blew the scholarship on booze
But that did not dispel my blues ♪
♪ Holy incense lit up my plight
And yet God's nowhere in sight ♪
♪ The lamb is clueless for
what it's destined ♪
♪ Will it be served on skewers
or simply minced ♪
♪ No one knows
what the future holds ♪
♪ So let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ Whistle away the toll
Yell - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey mate - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
♪ When life spins out of control
Just let your lips roll ♪
♪ Just let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ All is Well ♪
♪ The chicken's clueless
about the egg's fate ♪
♪ Will it hatch or
become an omelette ♪
♪ No one knows
what the future holds ♪
♪ So let your lips roll
And whistle away the toll ♪
♪ Whistle away the toll ♪
♪ Eureka! Eureka! ♪
♪ Yell - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey Mrs. Chicken - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey Mr. Lamb - All is Well ♪
♪ Hey bro - All is Well ♪
Hey, take it up to Joy's window.
Take it higher.
Look at Silencer - the nude dude!
Joy, come out.
Come to the window.
Joy, look outside.
Good news, sir.
The police and Joy's father
have no clue.
Everyone thinks this is suicide.
The post mortem report -
Cause of Death: Intense
pressure on windpipe
resulting in choking
All think the pressure
on the jugular killed him
What about the mental pressure
for the last four years?
That's missing in the report.
Engineers are a clever bunch...
They haven't made a machine
to measure mental pressure.
If they had, all would know...
this isn't suicide... It's murder.
How dare you blame me
for Joy's suicide?
If one student can't handle
pressure, is it our fault?
Life is full of pressures.
Will you always blame others?
I don't blame you, sir.
I blame the system.
Look at these statistics -
India ranks No.1 in suicides
Every 90 minutes,
a student attempts suicide
Suicide is a bigger killer
than disease
Something's terribly wrong, sir.
I can't speak for the rest...
but this is one of the
finest colleges in the country
I've run this place for 32 years.
We were ranked 28th.
Now we're No.1
What's the point, sir?
Here they don't discuss
new ideas or inventions
They discuss grades,
jobs, settling in the USA
They teach how to get good scores.
They don't teach Engineering
Now you will teach me
how to teach?
No sir, I...
Sir, my paper...
Vaidyanathan, please sit down.
Here is a self-proclaimed professor.
who thinks he is better than
our highly qualified teachers.
Professor Ranchoddas Chanchad
will teach us Engineering.
We do not have all day.
You have 30 seconds
to define these terms.
You may refer to your books.
Raise your hand
if you get the answer.
Let's see who comes first,
who comes last.
Your time starts... now.
Time up.
Time up, sir.
No one got the answer?
Now rewind your life by a minute.
When I asked this question,
were you excited? Curious?
Thrilled that you'd learn
something new?
Anyone?
... Sir?
No. You all got into a frantic race.
What's the use of such methods,
even if you come first
Will your knowledge increase?
No, just the pressure.
This is a college,
not a pressure cooker.
Even a circus lion learns to sit
on a chair in fear of the whip.
But you call such a lion
'well trained', not 'well educated'
Hello!
This is not a philosophy class.
Just explain those two words
Sir, these words don't exist.
These are my friends' names.
Farhan and Raju
Quiet!
Nonsense! Is this how
you'll teach Engineering?
Sir, I wasn't teaching
you Engineering.
You're an expert at that.
I was teaching you... how to teach.
And I'm sure one day you'll learn.
because unlike you, I never
abandon my weak students.
Bye, sir.
Quiet!
Quiet, I said.
I regret to inform you
that your son...
Farhan...
Raju...
has fallen into bad company.
Without urgent corrective steps,
his future will be ruined.
Virus's letters dropped on
our homes like atom bombs.
Hiroshima and Nagasaki
plunged into gloom.
Our parents invited us -
for a dressing down.
Come in.
See that?
We could afford
just one air-conditioner.
We put it in Farhan's room,
so he could study in comfort.
I didn't buy a car.
I manage with a scooter.
We put all our money
into Farhan's education.
We sacrificed our comforts
for Farhan's future. Understand?
You took these pictures, Farhan?
He had that useless
obsession for a while.
Went around taking
pictures of animals.
Wanted to be a
wildlife photographer.
Son, what was your
score that year?
91%
Hear that? Straight drop
from 94% to 91%.
You find it funny?
No sir, sorry. I'm just
amazed at the photos
Why make him an engineer...
Why not a wildlife photographer?
Enough!
I humbly request you -
Don't ruin my son's future.
Food's on the table, boys. C'mon.
If you ever visit again,
do eat with us.
Dad denied us a meal...
So, to fill our bellies with food...
and ears with more reprimands,
we reached Raju's house.
Raju's house was straight
out of a 50's black and white film.
A small, dingy room...
a paralyzed father...
a coughing mother...
and an unwed sister
A sofa sprouting springs...
a 24 hour water supply -
from the leaking roof.
Mother was a retired school
teacher and a tireless complainer.
Father was once a postmaster.
Paralysis shut down
his body partly...
his salary completely.
And the sister...
Kammo's turned 28.
They demand a car in dowry.
If you don't study and earn,
how will she marry?
Some okra?
Okra is now 12/- per kilo,
cauliflower is 10/-
It's daylight robbery!
What will we eat if we get
warnings from your college?
Mom!
Cottage cheese?
Cottage cheese should be sold
at the jewelers, in velvet pouches
- Cottage cheese?
- No, no, it's ok.
Mom, please.
Alright, I'll shut up
Earn for the family,
slave like a maid.
and then take the vow of silence.
If not with my son, with whom
do I share my woes - his friends?
Hey Raju.
We were in a huge dilemma.
Do we comfort our friend
or console his mom?
Screw it, we thought, let's
focus on the cottage cheese.
Even his eczema cream
costs 55/- now
Another roti?
No, thank you. We're through.
Okra for 12/-
- Cauliflower for 10/-
At least you were offered a meal
Unlike your sadistic dad...
'Hitler' Qureshi!
And your mom is Mother Teresa...
Feeding us 'eczema roti'!
- Don't poke fun at my mom!
- Enough, you guys.
I'm famished. Let's eat out.
It's month end. Who'll pay?
His Mother Teresa?
To eat out, you don't need money.
Just a uniform. Look...
- C'mon.
- Come.
Good evening,
good evening.
Oh, Uncle.
- Three large vodkas.
- Half soda, half water.
If we're caught, we're dead.
- What's for starters?
- Get double portions.
Leave this here and start
some peppy music.
Pia, what the hell?
Why're you wearing
this ancient piece of junk?
What'll people say - My fiancee...
a doctor in the making,
wearing a cheap, 200/- watch!
Please take it off. Thank you.
Hi handsome.
Hey Aunty.
You're looking good.
- Don't miss my set, darling.
- Rubies?
- From Mandalay
- Mandalay... Wow!
- Hey, let's go meet David.
- Of course.
Excuse me.
Yes?
Flowers.
- May I take the glass?
- Why?
So you don't break it on my head
Why would I do that?
For the free advice I'll now impart
What?
Don't marry that ass
Excuse me?
He's not a human,
he's a price tag.
He'll turn your life into a
nightmare of brands and prices.
He'll ruin your life.
Your future will be finished. What're you doing here?

Want a demonstration? We'll hand these gifts

to the couple.
Shall I find out the price of his
shoes? I'll do that for you.
It's my sister's wedding.
I won't ask.
He'll announce it himself. Sister?

What the hell... Sir, what's the sum total

Mint sauce on my $300 shoes! of your daughters?

Run for your life! Empty. No gift cheques.

It's free advice. Take it or leave it.
Genuine Italian leather -
hand-stitched!
Dad, are they your guests?
Forgot the cheques, Raju
... Farhan?
We didn't invite you,
you must be from the groom's side.

My students. No sir, we're here as the

What're they doing here? emissaries of science.

Hold on, Dad. How? Can you explain?

These beans smell great. Dad, he explains superbly.

I'm sure he'll give us a demo.
- No room for roti.
- Just pile it on. Won't you?

- Hi. Well, Delhi has plenty of

- Hey. power cuts that...

That was an eye-opener. disrupt wedding celebrations.

Thank you so much.
So I thought of making
It was my moral responsibility. an inverter that...

Can I ask you for little more help? draws power from guests' cars.

Dad won't let me break off I see.

this engagement.
Wow!
You explain so well.
Can you give him a demo too? So where's the inverter?

Certainly. Sir, the design is ready.

Raju, the mint sauce
Where's the design, Farhan?
You're really sweet
- I gave you the design.
- Where is your daddy? - I gave it to Raju.
- Right behind you.
Raju, design?
Aal izz well
Never mind the design.
Run for your life! I'll make the inverter and show you.
It's free advice. Take it or leave it
You can only invent stories,
not an inverter.
I'll make one, I promise.
And I'll name it after you.
After all, it was invented...
at your daughter's wedding.
So it'll be an honor...
Farhan, Raju. I'll see you
in my office tomorrow.
Sir, what was the cost per plate?
We'll reimburse you...
... in installments.
- We'll never crash a wedding again.
- Not even my own.
In fact, I won't even marry.
Nor will he.
Uh... right. No marriage.
Your parents shouldn't have
married either.
The world would have
to feed two less idiots.
Sit!
Pay attention.
This is Ranchoddas's father's
monthly income.
Couple of zeroes less,
and it's still a sizeable income.
But erase another zero,
and I would worry a little.
Isn't that your fathers income,
Farhan?
Yes, sir.
Now take away another zero...
and that's your family income,
Raju Rastogi.
Big reason to worry.
Take my advice and shift into
Chatur Ramalingam's room.
Exams are here. Stay with
Rancho and you're sure to fail.
- Want a shave?
- No, sir.
Then get lost!
Raju, don't worry. This is Virus's
move to split us. Divide and rule.
I have to worry.
He grades us, and I need
good grades for a good job.
Unlike you, I don't have a
rich dad I can live off.
Shut up, Raju.
Must we follow all his hogwash?
'Aal izz well'.
I won't be his flunky... like you.
- You're crossing the line.
- No, I'm drawing one.
I have a family to support.
Dad's medicines
swallow up mom's pension.
My sis can't marry because
they want a car in dowry.
Mom hasn't bought a
single saree in five years.
Now don't get your mom's
wardrobe into the debate.
By the way, how many sarees
per annum is reasonable?
Hey... no wisecracks about mom.
We'll study with all our heart,
but not just for grades.
To quote a Wise One - Study
to be accomplished, not affluent.
Follow excellence. And success
will chase you, pants down!
Which Wise One says this?
His Holiness Guru Ranchoddas?
Go rot in the bogs! Please collect the printout.
I'll be right back.
Raju, don't stress. We'll top
our class. Nothing is impossible. Oh... the things I have to do...

Oh yeah? Mr. Dubey, the Director was

remembering you.
Shove this back into the tube.
- Really?
Raju got onto another train. - Yes. Just now.

His travails with Chatur began. I'll see him right away.
Yes, I mean travails, not travels Give this to Chatur.

Chatur was called 'Silencer'. - Hello. Hello.

- Hello, Mr. Ramalingam?
To sharpen his memory,
he popped pills from a local quack. Yes?

And then let off silent... I'm calling from the police station
but lethal farts.
- Are you from Uganda?
I didn't do it... Raju? - Yes sir.

He always blamed others - Your life is in danger!

for the output. - What? ... How?

Silencer crammed 18 hours a day. Listen carefully, or else...

On exam eve, you'll get killed as you step out

he would distract others. of the college gate.

His belief - There are only Why? What happened?

two ways of topping.
While Chatur was kept engaged,
Elevate your own grades or
shrink your opponents' grades. Rancho altered a few words
in his speech, for eg...
Rancho decided to subdue
Silencer and rescue Raju... 'served' became 'screwed'.

with one master plan. Yes sir?

Our Director has unceasingly - Who are you?

served... 'Served' means... - Dubey. Librarian.

Damn the meaning, I'm permanent staff, sir.

I'll memorize it.
Congratulations!
Chatur was the introductory speaker
at the Teachers' Day function. Hold on a moment.
The chief is on the other line.
To impress Virus, he got his
speech written by the librarian... Excuse me, sir...

in highbrow Hindi. Yes... so where was I?

Hello. Hold on. You said I may die...

Chatur, call for you. outside the gate.
Right. As you get out of the gate,
you'll see a traffic signal.
Traffic signal. Ok.
When it turns red,
all the cars will halt.
Ok. Then?
Then cross the road
with great caution.
Because son, in rush hour
if a car hits you, you're dead.
What nonsense! I know that.
You know that? Excellent.
Then you're safe my boy.
From the librarian, Silencer.
You don't call me that,
Chanchad.
Hey. The Director said
he didn't call for me.
Who said 'called'?
I just said he 'remembered' you
Remembered?
Rascals!
Distinguished Mr. Chairperson.
Chief guest, the Honorable
Minister of Education....
respected teachers and friends.
ICE has now soared
beyond the stratosphere.
The credit goes solely to...
Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe.
Give him a big hand.
Sir, the voice is his
but the words are mine.
He's a great guy, really you are.
For 32 years, he has
unceasingly screwed students.
He means - 'served' students.
I'm sure his endeavors
will continue.
We are astounded at
how one man, in one lifetime
can screw so many, so well.
With rigorous training
he's built up his stamina.
He's spent every living minute
just screwing.
Let's replicate his methods.
Tomorrow ICE students
will go across the globe.
Wherever we go,
we promise to screw.
We'll hoist this screwer's flag
all over the world.
We'll show the world that
our capacity to screw...
cannot be matched by any student...
anywhere on the planet.
Mr. Minister. Good evening.
You have given this institution
what it sorely needs...
- Booty, funds.
- Bosom
It's booty, stupid. Bosom means...
What nonsense! That's insulting.
Everyone has a bosom,
but it remains pocketed.
No one offers it so readily.
Vulgar fellow!
You have generously offered
your bosom...
to this relentless screwer.
Now see how he makes it grow.
Is this what you teach here, Director?
On this august occasion, Go ahead.
here's a Sanskrit verse... Laugh at my methods.

Listen to this - the might But one day these methods

of his fart in verse. will bring me success.

A good loud fart is honorable. That day I'll laugh and you'll cry.

'Fart'? Go, Silencer. You're on the wrong track again.

Don't chase success.
A medium fart is tolerable.
Become a good engineer
Softer windbreaks are terrible. and success will chase you.

And the silent ones unbearable. These ideals don't work

in the real world.
That's what mindless cramming
does to you. You take your train, l'll take mine.

Cramming may see you Ten years from now

through four years of college, we'll meet at the same station.

but it will 'screw' you Same day. Same place.

for the next 40 years. We'll see who's more successful.

He still doesn't get it. You... or me.

'Medium fart is tolerable'... Have the balls? C'mon, bet!

Unbelievable!
lt's a challenge.
You're a poet, Rancho.
How did you think of this? Watch it!

That was fun. What's he writing?

He didn't know what hit him.
Don't forget this date.
You swines!
What did I ever do to you? l'm not used to
such expensive gifts, Suhas.
Sorry man.
Don't take it personally. Get used to them, Pia.

I will. You're gonna be

Suhas Tandon's wife.
Chatur Ramalingam
will never forget this insult. Where's the bill, man?

I'll think of it every minute, l'll be back.

every second of my life.
- You changed the speech?
Sorry man. That was a demo - What?
for Raju - Don't cram blindly.
Don't lie.
Understand and enjoy
the wonders of Science. Um... Yeah.

I'm not here to enjoy Science. - What's your problem with dad?
- l have no problem.
So You're here to screw Science?
l'm making an inverter
named after him. Look... Oh.
Why're you harassing him?
'Cause he runs a factory,
not a college.
Churning out asses.
Like that one.
She destroyed it, man.
How dare you call him an ass?
He is one!
First Engineering, then MBA...
then becomes a banker in the USA.
Because it rakes in
more money?
Life for him is just
a profit-loss statement.
He sees profit in you,
so he's with you.
Director's daughter, doctor in the
making... Good for his image!
lt's not you he cares for.
Who do you think you are?
What do you mean
he doesn't care for me?
New watch? One moment.
You always need a demo.
Hey Suhas!
Where were you?
She's looking for her watch.
What? You lost the watch?
Never mind. Get another.
lt cost 400,000!
Mine's just 250/-
but keeps the same time.
Shut up! How could
you be so careless, Pia?
This callous attitude is
disgusting. lt's disrespectful!
That was a limited edition watch.
Now wear your ancient
piece of junk at dinner.
What're you staring at?
Here come the tears!
Real mature, Pia.
l can't handle this.
Stop crying and look for it.
Find another wrist
for this watch... Ass!
Hey, you're awesome.
Called him an ass to his face.
Get lost!
lt's too noisy here.
She's saying 'Thank you',
l hear 'Get lost'.
- l said 'Get lost'.
- Don't get so uptight.
Actually, you never really loved him.
What do you mean?
When you see him, do the
winds whisper a melody?
Your scarf flies in slow motion?
The Moon appears gigantic?
That happens in movies, not in life.
Happens in life too -
if you love a person...
not an ass.
Hello. What?
Oh God! Ok, l'm on my way.
You're a medical student, right?
Need your help.
- lt's an emergency, please.
- What?

Please come with me.
What's that oath you doctors take -
You'll never deny a patient help...
The Hippocratic Oath.
Please help me,
it's an emergency.
You gatecrash my sister's wedding,
break off my engagement...
my dad is popping
BP pills because of you...
and here l am, helping you!
Unbelievable!
This Hippocratic Oath -
lt's really done us in!
- Where's Raju, ma'am?
- Gone to get a cab.
Called the ambulance
two hours ago.
ln this country,
pizza reaches in 30 minutes...
but an ambulance...
He needs hospitalization.
Urgently!
Hey stop!
Move, it's an emergency!
Move... move...
Doctor, emergency!
That's the patient.
Keep this. Hey, here's Raju.
What the hell!
You brought dad on the scooter.
Should l've sent him by courier?
No wisecracks on dads profession!
Where is he?
Go ask the doctor.
Close call, Pia. A little delay,
we'd have lost him.
Glad you didn't wait for an ambulance
and got him on the scooter.
Call me if there's a problem.
Rancho! Thank you...
Thanking your buddies!
Silencer teaching you manners?
Didn't he teach you -
A friend is man's greatest bosom?
Go on now.
You have an exam tomorrow.
Exams we have many...
Dad mostly just one!
We won't budge from here
without the Postmaster.
Don't worry!
Rancho, forgive me.
l was scared.
lt's ok. Quiet, now.
Please forgive me.
lt's ok, calm down.
Go see your dad.
And don't go
with that weepy face.
Thanks buddy.
Natty scooter. Saved a life.
How much does it cost?
Pour some mint sauce on it.
l'll tell you.
Hey, happy lndependence Day.
Today isn't lndependence Day.
For you it is! Now you're free
to wear your mom's watch.
No ass can say it's an
ancient piece of junk.
Hey.
How do you know
it was mom's watch?
At your sister's wedding,
you wore sparkling new clothes.
Only the watch was old.
What could that mean?
You really missed your mom
that day, didn't you?
Yes.
Your mom must've been
really beautiful.
Yes. How do you know?
Seen your dad.
'Life is a race. lf you don't run fast
you'll be a broken egg
... cuckoo bird.'
You...
♪ The winds whisper a melody ♪
♪ The sky hums along ♪
♪ Time itself is singing... ♪
♪ Zoobi do... ♪
♪ Param pum ♪
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪ ♪ Drenched in rain and passion
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪ Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ Leaves sing on their branches
Bees jam with flowers ♪
♪ Crazy sunbeams dance off petals
As birds yodel in the skies ♪
♪ Flowers, bold and brazen
Snuggle and cootchie-coo ♪
♪ l've seen it happen in movies
What's now happening with us ♪
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪
Let's make the unique and
ever useful mint sauce.
The all-powerful sauce that
exposes phony people.
Your 7th house is clear...
Shunning an ass,
you'll fall for a human.
Time is ripe for love.
Temperature in New Delhi
remains stable.
Clear skies.
But if in love, expect rain.
♪ Pitter-patter go the raindrops
Whish-whoosh whistles the wind ♪
♪ Do-da-dee waltzes the rain
Boom-boom echoes the sky ♪
You sway your hips on cue ♪
♪ I've seen it happen in movies
What's now happening with us ♪
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪
♪ The gorgeous low moon
Serenades the earth ♪
♪ A shooting star skips along
Crooning a ballad of love ♪
♪ The night is bright but lonesome
Come touch me, my handsome ♪
♪ I've seen it happen in movies
What's now happening with us ♪
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪ I can't accept these.
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara
Zoobi doobi param pum' ♪
♪ My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi
zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along
♪ Even then...
♪ 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi'
... goes my silly heart ♪
Hello. Wake up.
- Huh... Postmaster's dead?
- What!
No, stupid.
lt's 8.30, your exam is at 9.
But we can't leave him alone.
I'm here.
It's a matter of three hours.
Take my scooter.
It's getting late.
Hey...
Gosh, what an ancient watch.
Go.
- Sorry, we're late.
- It was an emergency.
Settle down there.
Sir, they're still writing.
Hello. Time up.
Please, five minutes.
We started half an hour late.
It was an emergency.
He glared at us like we'd
asked for both his kidneys.
But we continued writing.
He continued arranging
the answer sheets.
Done, sir.
You're late.
Sir, please, sir.
Sir, do you know who we are?
Prime Ministers son?
I will not accept your paper.
Do you know
our names and roll numbers?
No...
Who are you?
He doesn't know - Run!
Hey, what's your roll number?
Where the hell are their papers?
O Lord, have mercy.
Today was Results day.
Time to make a deal with God.
Just save my Electronics.
I'll offer a coconut.
Sir Snake, bless my Physics.
I promise a pint of milk per day.
O Mother Cow,
help me pass... have this grass.
I vow: No X-rated thoughts
of girls in my class...

Watch over my results.
God of Wealth, I'll offer 100/-
every month.
100/- won't bribe even a traffic cop,
let alone the Almighty.
Check from the bottom.
You are... last.
And you?
Second last.
Rancho?
Not there.
My heart sank.
Not 'cause our ranks tanked,
but 'cause our friend flunked.
There's a mistake.
It's not possible. It's injustice.
What's Silencer howling about?
He got the second rank.
Who's first?
Rancho.
Rancho?
Move aside.
We learned a lesson
in Human Behavior:
Your friend fails, you feel bad.
Your friend tops, you feel worse.
We were sad.
Two others were sadder.
Ranchoddas Chanchad.
Front row. Right of the Director.
Uday Sinha. Second row. Third seat.
Alok Mittal. Second row. Fifth seat.
Sahili Rao. Third row...
Sir, why this seating
according to rank?
Any problem with that?
Yes, this grading system is
like a caste system.
A-graders: Masters
C-graders: Slaves
- It's not nice, sir.
- You have a better idea?
Yes. Results should not be
displayed at all.
Why publicise someone's flaws?
If your iron count is low,
will the doctor prescribe tonic...
or air your report on TV?
You see, sir?
So basically, what you are saying is...
I should personally go to
each student's room
and whisper in his ears...
'You have come first',
'You're second".
'Oh, I'm so sorry,
you have failed'.
No sir, I mean
grades create a divide.
I've topped, so I'm next to you.
My pals came last,
they're in the back corner.
At least they're in the corner.
More time with you, and
they'll be out of the photo.
They will neither pass,
nor get a job.
They'll get jobs, sir.
There must be some firm that...
prefers humans to machines.
They'll get jobs. I guarantee. - Chatur, your pills.
- Thanks. Where were they?
You guarantee it!
- In the pocket.
Bet, sir? - Hey, my pants!

- Govind. Karl Marx says to share all resources.

- Yes, sir?
Hey, you'll give people ideas.
Even if one of them gets
a job in campus interviews... I want it now!

shave off my moustache. What happened?

Sir! Rancho's father.

- Happy? Excuse me, where is Ranchoddas?

- Smile, please.
- There he is.
Happy, sir. - Thank you.

Jackass! - Rancho...
Honking to hide your tooting. - Yes?

Septic tank! Popping pills again? Sorry. We're looking for Ranchoddas.

I didn't do it... Raju? I am Ranchoddas.

This is a familiar stink. No, I mean...

'Ranchoddas Shamaldas Chanchad'.
He's the sole cause for global warming.
Ranchoddas Shamaldas Chanchad.
Toss me your wallet - I'll buy pants. That's me.

- Take Chatur's suit instead. Ranchoddas, take care, son.

- Don't touch my suit.
'Ranchoddas Chanchad'
Rancho'll recognize you
even in underwear. Raju

- Where's this? I'll be in the Guinness Book for

- If I could read, would I sell driving Delhi-Shimla in underwear.
peanuts?
That too, for the wrong guy!
- He can't read.
- But he can speak. Same name, same degree,
same photo, but a different guy.
Wait. Do you know a
Ranchoddas Chanchad? What's going on?

Yes, he lives there. How did Silencer get

♪ Free as the wind was he ♪
♪ Like a soaring kite was he ♪
♪ Where did he go... ♪
♪ let's find him ♪
Rancho's address?
Good point!
Hey Chatur, come here.
How dare you open this?
I got this from San Francisco.
Handmade biscuits.
Specially for Mr. Phunsukh Wangdu.
Phunsukh Bangdu?
Who's that?
Not Bangdu. Wangdu. 'W'.
Phunsukh Wangdu.
Do you know who that is?
He's a great scientist.
400 patents.
The world wants him.
Took me a year to get an appointment.
Once he signs the deal with
my company, I'll be huge!
Forget Wangdu.
How'd you get Rancho's address?
You should be thanking
Phunsukh Wangdu.
He led me to Rancho, see this.
My secretary was here to fix
an appointment with Wangdu.
She didn't get the appointment.
But I found Rancho.
I checked the Shimla directory
and found Rancho's name.
What happened to his face?
Plastic surgery in honor of your visit?
Only one man has the answer.
Sorry Papa,
I couldn't fulfill your last wish.
You kept asking me
to take you on pilgrimage.
But I waited
for the highway tender.
There the tender opened,
here you closed your eyes.
I am so sorry, Papa.
I could not be a good son...
Wrong.
You're an engineer.
Your degree's on the wall!
You were a very good son.
How dare you barge in?
I'll have you arrested.
No, you'll be arrested.
We've made enquiries.
You use the degree
to clinch contracts.
It's our friend's degree.
How did you get it?
This is a 150 acre estate.
If I shoot and bury you,
no one would even notice.
Get the point?
Now get lost!
I'm taking Papa's ashes to the
sacred river. Can take yours too.
Grab Papa!
Here, here.
Let go of Papa!
Tell the truth or Papa is flushed!
- Hand over Papa!
- Papa goes to the sacred sewer.
- Get Papa out of the potty.
- You pull trigger, I pull flush.
I'll count to three.
Wanna shoot us?
Raju, scatter the ashes.
One.
Take us down,
and Papa's down the drain.
Two.
Then grope for him in the gutter.
What is it, Raju?
We've got the wrong urn. You started it, you will finish it.
It's empty!
People pretend to show me respect...
Empty?
But behind my back...
Empty - we'll empty it out!
mock me as an illiterate.
No, no!
I won't let that happen to my son.
We'll empty it out!
This boy wants to study.
No... hands up! I want just a degree.

Who are you? Let the game go on.

I am Rancho. Make this kid an engineer,

I swear on Papa, it's true. and I'll have a degree

in my son's name on that wall.
I am Rancho!
That was Chhote. I went to London for four years,
he went to college as me.
Chhote?
He'd promised to cut contact with all
He was our gardener's son, Chhote. after getting the degree.

He stayed on with us But he always said:

after he was orphaned. 'Two idiots will come looking for me'

Did odd jobs around the house, He really misses you both.
ran errands.
I'll give you his address,
He had a passion for learning. go to him.

He'd wear my old uniform But please keep my secret.

and slip into school.
What secret?
And attend any class he liked.
It suited me. You got the wrong urn, sir.
Papa is in here.
I made him do my homework,
take my exams. What the hell's going on?
Who was that gun guy?
It was going well, till
one day... Complicated story.
Without subtitles. Not for you.
Our teacher saw a sixth grader
doing tenth grade math. - Ignore it.
- Where're we going?
Which grade are you in, son?
Ladakh.
What's your name?
Ladakh! Why?
We got caught.
To meet Rancho.
Papa was a powerful man, so...
What's he doing in Ladakh?
our teacher alerted him
before going to the Principal. No clue. We have
the address of a school.
School teacher!
I'm Vice President of
Rockledge Corporation, and he...
A for Apple, B for Ball...
D for Donkey.
Next week I sign a huge deal
with Phunsukh Wangdu.
And he... A for Apple, B for Ball...
Today my respect
for that idiot shot up.
Most of us went to college
just for a degree.
No degree meant
no plum job, no pretty wife...
no credit card, no social status.
None of this mattered to him.
He was in college
for the joy of learning.
He never cared
if he was first or last.
Who was the first man
on the Moon?
Neil Armstrong, sir.
Obviously, it is Neil Armstrong.
We all know it.
Who was the second?
Don't waste your time.
It's not important.
Nobody remembers the man
who ever came second.
Soon, 26 companies
will be here with job offers.
You'll have a job
even before your final exam.
This is your last lap, my friends.
Put the pedal to the metal.
Step on the gas.
Go out there and make history!
Any questions?
Yes?
Sir, suppose a student gets a job...
but narrowly fails the final exam,
will he still have the job?
Very good question.
Anyone else
with the same question?
As expected.
Please come on stage.
Give them a big hand.
For the last four years...
they've been our most
consistent students.
Consistently last in every exam.
Come my geniuses, come.
Their brains will fetch
a handsome price.
'Cause they're completely unused.
And to answer their question:
The exam won't affect their jobs.
Because no company
will hire them anyway!
They're so unique, their
names will be writ in gold -
'Farhanitrate' and 'Prerajulization'
Give them a big hand,
please, everybody.
He screwed us!
In front of everyone.
God, I'll give up meat,
light a 1000 incense sticks.
Do me just one favor.
Delete Virus!
Burn him in hell.
Fry Virus-nuggets in bubbling oil.
You think God is a contract killer?
You shut up!
You're in the center
of the photo every year.
We're rotting in the corner.
This year we may fall
out of the photo altogether.
- Know why I come first?
- Why?
Because I love machines.
Engineering is my passion.
Know your passion?
- That's my bag.
- Be quiet.
What're you up to?
This... is your passion.
Go post this letter.
What letter?
5 years ago he wrote this for
his favorite wildlife photographer
- Andre...
- Istvan.
He wanted to train with him
in Hungary.
But in fear of his dad, the Fuhrer,
never posted it.
Quit Engineering, marry Photography.
Follow your talent.
If Michael Jackson's dad
forced him to be a boxer...
and Mohammad Ali's dad
pushed him to be a singer...
imagine the disaster.
Do you get it?
Idiot! Loves Photography,
but is marrying machines.
Your Holiness Guru Ranchoddas!
Engineering is
my wife and mistress both.
- But I still fail. Why?
- Explain.
'Cause you're a coward,
scared of the future.
Look at this -
more holy rings than fingers.
One ring per fear -
exam, sis's dowry, job.
With such fear of tomorrow,
how'll you live today?
How'll you focus on studies?
Strange buddies! One lives
in fear, the other in pretense.
You live in both - fear and pretense.
You're scared to tell Pia you
love her... so you pretend you don't.
What rubbish!
Easy to offer free advice,
tough to follow it.
Have the guts? Go confess to Pia.
- There's no connection!
- Deep connection, Your Holiness.
Listen, if you confess to Pia...
I'll tell Dad - No Engineering,
I'm marrying Photography
And I'll dump my rings
before the job interview.
Deal?
Have the guts?
His Holiness is speechless.

Let's go.
- Follow me.
- Where?
Let's go.
Hey Virus! I'm anti-Virus.
Hope no dog here.
Cowards! Let's go.
If any danger,
I'll give the Virus alert.
Beware - Virus inside.
Need background score?
- Pia.
- Who's it?
Don't yell! It's me, Rancho.
Just listen for a moment,
then I'm gone.
Say not a word...
- Pia...
- Yes?
Those 22 minutes with you
on the scooter
were the most enchanting
22 minutes of my life.
I could spend an eternity
with you on the scooter.
Wow!
... and time stands still.
Every night you ride into my dreams
on your scooter, dressed as a bride.
Instead of a veil,
you lift your helmet...
and come close to kiss me.
But that kiss doesn't happen.
Why?
Because the noses collide,
and I wake up.
The noses never collide, stupid!
I'm sorry,
I thought you were Pia.
I wish I was.
Sis, why did you interrupt?
It took him four years to say this.
Pia, kiss him.
Show that noses don't collide.
You have my permission,
kiss him... He's so cute!
- Who's this?
- My sister.
Who're you?
When you were talking,
he kicked. First time!
He? How do you know
it's a 'he' or 'she'?
Papa asked the astrologer If we'd
get an engineer or a doctor.
Meaning?
Boy becomes an engineer,
girl a doctor.
Champ, better stay inside.
Out here's a circus.
Your grandpa is the ringmaster.
He'll crack his whip -
'Run! Life is a race.
Be an engineer.
But you follow your heart.
If grandpa scares you...
put your hand on your heart
and say, 'All is well'
He kicked.
Say it again.
All is well.
Kicked again.
 Hasn't slept two nights,
- Once more. that's why he looks scruffy.
- All is well.
Not slept?
All is well.
What did you study?
Who is it?
Induction motor, sir.
Go. The whole chapter.

You sent hate-mail to Dad, Whole chapter?

here's pee-mail for you.
In that case, Mr. Raju Rastogi...
Enjoy the pee-mail, happy reading!
Yessir!
- Who is it?
- Your future son-in-law. Can you tell us how an
induction motor starts?
And the wedding party.
Stop it!
Rastogi!
Sir, rum.
Security, that way.
Mr. Rastogi!
So you all have already learned
about the simple pendulum. Let's have a cup of tea
in my office.
Now let's get down to the advanced
study about compound pendulum. Sir?

It's an irregular object Close the door.

oscillating about its own axis.
Can you type?
Let me demonstrate to you
Yes, sir.
- What's this?
- Pencil. Will you type a letter for me?

- What's inside? Definitely, sir.

- Lead.
Come, sit.
Good. Lead is the axis to this pencil.
Sir, I'm sorry sir...
Even you can be a compound
pendulum, if you oscillate about... Please type.

- Where is Raju Rastogi? Dear Sir...

- Present, sir.
It is my painful duty to inform you...
Hi. Everybody is here.
that your son is rusticated...
Good morning, sir.
No, sorry, delete that.
Where were you last night? Go back.

- Studying all night, sir. Your son, Mr. Raju Rastogi...

- Studying?
is rusticated from the
Really? Imperial College of Engineering.
Come on, type.
It'll kill my dad, sir.
- Please type.
- Sir, please sir.
My decision is final and irrevocable.
He lives just to see me
become an engineer.
Should've thought of that
before peeing on my door.
Sir, give me one chance... please.
Ok, remove your name
from the letter...
and put in Rancho's.
I know he was with you
last night.
Be my witness and
I'll spare you.
You have 71/2 minutes to think.
♪ We won't let go of you ♪
♪ We're not done yet... no way ♪
♪ The heavens may beckon you ♪
♪ But we'll take up arms against God ♪
♪ And it's not a fight we intend to
lose ♪
♪ You may try your best to escape ♪
♪ Try with all your might ♪
♪ But there is no way
we are letting go of you ♪
♪ We won't let go of you ♪
♪ We're not done yet... no way ♪
Rancho, watch that monitor.
Raju.
His body is paralyzed with shock,
but his mind is alert.
He can see and hear us.
Please don't cry in front of him.
Speak to him normally,
motivate him, joke around.
Good news, Raju.
Your dad's recovered.
The new medicine worked.
Is this your family tradition?
As one male gets up,
the other conks out?
Come, wake up.
Your dad wants Pia's scooter.
Should I give it to him?
Hope he won't dent it.
Raju, Farhan is live on webcam.
From the hostel.
Look, Virus has canceled
your suspension order.
Problem solved... Wake up now.
Everything's resolved!
You hear that?
Rise and shine, buddy.
♪ In this journey of few strides ♪
♪ On the path called life ♪
♪ Don't quit...
Just celebrate the ride ♪
♪ Listen please to those
who love you ♪
♪ Every dark night is
followed by sunrise ♪
♪ Don't shut out those
who love you ♪
♪ We won't let go of you ♪
♪ We're not done yet... no way ♪
♪ We won't let go of you ♪
♪ We're not done yet... no way ♪
- Look, mom bought a new saree.
- Brand new.
Farhan will marry your sister.
It cost 2000/-
For free! Free! Free!
Wake up now.
Raju!
She bought not one,
but ten sarees. One kilo okra, 500 grams cheese
for 'free' would've woken him.
Look!
Why sacrifice me...!
Hey Raju!
Well done, buddy.
C'mon tell me... How do I look?
So it's all fixed -
♪ Remember the letters Farhan will marry your sister.
mom would write... ♪
Rancho!
♪ Always blessed you
with eternal life ♪ Rascals... Stop fibbing.

♪ Don't die on her... you can't die ♪ Lucky escape!

♪ Look at us now, don't turn away ♪ ♪ We won't let go of you. ♪

♪ Smile once to show you care ♪ ♪ We're not done yet... no way ♪

♪ Wake up, ♪ We won't let go of you ♪

don't torment us anymore ♪
♪ We're not done yet... no way ♪
Did you hear about your sis?
♪ We won't let go of you ♪
She's getting married.
'Okra Rs.12/ kilo'
Without any dowry.
You called for a taxi?
The bridegroom wants
nothing at all. - I did.
- It's waiting.
He just wants Kammo.
Thank you. Why?
- You know who the bridegroom is?
- Yeah. I'm going to the job interview.

Guess! You coming with me?

- You know him very well. No. I'm going for the interview.
- Yes. You're going home.

- He loves animals. Why would I go home?

- Huh...?
Remember, we promised
He's going to be a this rascal.
wildlife photographer.
Give me your tie.
Quiet... Shhhh...
Why?
Didn't get it? It's our Farhan.
I doubt you'll go for the
Farhan will never take any dowry. interview after reading this.

What's that?
- A letter...
- For you, from Hungary.
Some photographer
called Andre Istvan.
You posted my letter!
He loved your pictures.
The guy wants you to assist him...
in the Brazilian rain forest,
for a year.
Will pay you, too.
Dad will never agree.
Go speak to him...
from your heart.
For once, dump your fears...
or someday, on your deathbed,
you'll regret it.
You'll remember that the letter was
in your hand, taxi at the gate...
With just a little courage, you
could've turned your life around.
Do you think he'll like it?
Why such an expensive gift?
Our son's getting
his first job today.
Don't be stingy at
such a proud moment.
Farhan?
Don't you have
the job interview today?
I didn't go.
I don't want to be
an engineer, Dad.
What happened?
You had an accident?
See that building?
I jumped from its third floor.
Why?
Because I was rusticated
from college.
Why?
Drunk, I urinated
on the Director's door.
That scoundrel Rancho
is messing with your mind!
I don't enjoy Engineering.
I'd make a terrible engineer.
Rancho has a simple belief -
Make your passion your profession.
Then work will become play.
What'll you earn in that jungle?
A small stipend, but I'll learn a lot.
Five years from now...
when you see your friends buying
cars and homes, you'll curse yourself.
Life as an engineer will bring
only frustration. Then I'll curse you.
I'd rather curse myself, Dad.
The world will laugh!
Label you a loser,
for quitting in the final year.
Mr. Kapoor feels you're fortunate
to be at ICE. What'll he think?
Mr. Kapoor didn't provide me
with an air-conditioner.
It wasn't Mr. Kapoor who slept
in discomfort while I slept well.
He didn't take me around the zoo
on his shoulders.
You did all that, Dad.
How you feel, matters to me.
Mr. Kapoor makes no difference.
I don't even know his first name.

You think you're the hero
of a melodrama?
Enough, please... he's upset.
God forbid, if he did
something crazy like Raju...
Then the discussion is over.
Don't say a word or
His Lordship will jump off the roof.
No, Dad. I'll never attempt suicide.
I promise.
The Rancho you detest
put this picture in my wallet.
Told me to see it if a suicidal thought
crossed my mind
and imagine what'd happen
to your smiles
when you see my dead body.
I want to convince you, Dad...
but not with a suicide threat.
Dad, what'll happen
if I become a photographer?
I'll earn less.
I'll have a smaller house,
a smaller car.
But I'll be happy.
I will be really happy.
Whatever I do for you
will be out of genuine love.
I've always listened to you.
For once,
let me listen to my heart.
Please... Dad.
Dad...
Please don't go away...
Return this.
Son, what's the cost
of a professional camera?
Can the laptop be exchanged for it?
If you need more money, just ask.
Go live your life, my son.
Your grades are consistently poor.
Reason?
Fear.
I was a good student
since childhood...
Parents hoped
I'd end their poverty.
That scared me.
Here I saw the mad race.
You don't count if you're not first.
My fear grew.
Fear is not good for grades, sir.
I slipped on more
charms and rings.
Prayed to God for favors.
No... begged for favors.
16 broken bones gave me
two months to think and reflect.
Finally, sense dawned.
Today I didn't beg God for this job,
just thanked him for this life.
If you reject me, no regrets.
I'll still do something
worthwhile with my life.
Such frank behavior
is not good for our firm.
We need someone diplomatic
to handle clients.
You're too straightforward.
But...
if you assure us
you'll control this attitude,

we may consider you.
It took two broken legs
to get me up on my feet.
Wasn't easy to get this attitude.
Can't change it, sir.
You keep your job...
I'll keep my attitude.
I'm sorry, no offense, sir.
Wait.
I've interviewed countless
candidates for 25 years.
Everyone turns into
a yes-man to get the job.
Where did you spring from, son?
Sir?
Shall we discuss the salary?
Thank you, sir.
Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering.
Govind!
You had said, 'If he gets a job,
shave it off'.
What have you done?
I feel naked without
my moustache.
I've lost my dignity.
I won't accept defeat, Rastogi.
The job isn't yours until you
pass your final exam.
And this time,
I will set the question paper.
Dad, that's not fair.
Everything is fair in
Love and War.
And this is World War... III
Rastogi, you're dead meat!
Hey.
What're you doing here?
Be careful.
- You've been drinking.
- Yup, had to down a couple.
A couple too many!
- Needed the guts.
- For what?
- For stealing this.
- What's this?
The duplicate key to
Virus's office.
The question paper's
in a cover with a red seal.
Dad has set it, to fail Raju.
Go get it!
Are you mad or what -
that's cheating!
Everything's fair in
Love and War.
Tell me something...
Do you really feel...
the noses collide while kissing?
Wait. Have some dhokla.
You Gujaratis are so cute.
But why does your food
sound so dangerous?
Dhokla, Fafda, Handwa,
Thepla, Khakhra...
Sound like missiles.
C'mon.
'Today Bush dropped
two Dhoklas on Iraq'
'400 dead, 200 injured' Why would she be there?

C'mon. She's getting married today

- in Manali
Oh...
Too late! She's married.
I can deal with Khakhra, Fafda.
But your name... Not yet. It's a six hour drive.

'Ranchoddas Shamaldas If we rush, we'll reach

Chanchad' - Yuck. before the vows.

I won't change my last name What do you say?

after marriage.
It's a no-brainer. Let's turn back.
Pia, we can't get married.
No turning back.
Why?
Straight to Ladakh.
Is there someone else? We'll meet Rancho and return.

No. I have a Friday meeting with

Phunsukh Wangdu.
- Are you gay?
- No. Get into the car.

Then why don't you If I miss my meeting,

propose to me? the Japanese will get him.

- Are you impotent? They're offering him a

- No. first name in the company.

Then prove it. 'Phunsukh and Fujiyashi',

profit sharing...
Pia, no.
- Pia weds Suhas!
Stop, stop! - Thanks for the suit.

- What happened? Virus will have a heart attack.

- We didn't inform Pia.
Stop here,
my bladders are bursting.
- Shut up!
- Are you in touch with her?
- No... I have her home number.
- Then call her, I'll stop.
Hello.
At every daughter's wedding,
we're there to rock the party
Listen, I'll update Pia,
you peel off the price tag.
- Farhan.
- We found Rancho.
- For Room 107?
- Yes, sir.

No place for urine-expulsion - You've taken ages.

in this country. - Sorry, sir.

- Hello, is Pia there? Off, now.

- No, she's not.
- Housekeeping, sir.
Is she at the hospital? - Come in.
Amore... Amore...
Quick, iron my coat.
Amore... Amore...
We found Rancho!
Now you can't marry this ass.
You're mad, Farhan.
Don't fool yourself, Pia.
You still love Rancho.
You're still eating his favorite food.
Amore... Amore...
He's incorrigible.
Once a price tag, always a price tag.
Shut up, Farhan.
Suhas is a changed man.
He doesn't speak of
brands and prices anymore.
My 150,000/ - coat.
Why do you people eat sauce?
- I'll sort it out, sir.
- How?
Our laundry specializes in
cleaning mint-stained suits.
I'll clean it in a jiffy.
Get it soon.
- But it's too late now, Farhan.
- Pia.
Let's go, Pia, we're late.
Pia, it's me... Raju.
Don't yell, they'll kill me.
Where is Suhas?
Housekeeping took my coat.
Go... Send Suhas here.
It's rude to leave the ceremony.
- Yeah, Farhan?
- The car's ready.
Grab her hand and run.
Don't move.
- Sir...
- My coat?
You're here...
- So who's at the altar?
- Altar?
Another couple of rounds,
and we'll be considered married.
I'm already married, Pia.
Let's go.
It's too late.
People will laugh at me.
So you'll commit suicide?
Rastogi!
People will gossip briefly,
then forget.
But you... you'll regret
on your deathbed.
That the car was at the gate,
Rancho within reach...
but in fear of people,
you married this ass.
Housekeeping?
Pia, minor problem.
What?
We don't know if Rancho's married.
What!
- He won't be married.
- And if he is?
Then we'll drop you back.
Relax! Handmade biscuit?
What's he doing here?
- Ignore him.
- The biscuit's very good.
Till yesterday,
I was a law-abiding citizen.

But in the last 24 hours,
I'd grounded an aircraft...
almost assigned Shamaldas's
ashes to the sewers, and...
made a bride elope from her
own wedding! All for Rancho.
But he too would do
anything for friends.
Like stealing the question paper...
from the lion's den.
Envelope with the red seal.
He feared that if Raju failed,
there'd be another high jump
We were principled thieves,
stealing the paper only for Raju.
We'd sworn we won't even
take a peek.
Where's it hidden...
We'll grow old searching!
Ask Pia.
Pia, your phone.
Mr. Papa-To-Be!
If you say 'All is well', he kicks.
He kicked.
Pia, your phone.
Found it! Rancho.
Hello?
Quick, photocopy this.
Where was it?
Put it back.
- We're safe!
- Where were you?
- Here.
- What's this?
A gift.
Question paper.
Virus set it himself, to fail you.
Strange buddies!
First teach you to be upright,
then offer a path to shame.
No way!
If I pass,
it'll be on my own steam.
If I don't, it's still ok.
He'd won us over!
I felt like embracing him as family...
but then I controlled my emotions.
- Damn thief.
- Sir, please, sir.
- Rascal.
- Sorry sir.
Wanted to change the system?
- You'll pee on my door.
- Sir, what're you doing?
Sorry sir.
You are rusticated!
If all of you aren't out by morning,
I'll call the police.
I will call the police!
Rascals!
Rascals, all of you.
How did he get my office key?
I gave him the key, Dad.
I wish I'd given this key to
my brother... He'd be alive today.
Stop it, Pia.
You think your son
fell off a train and died?
Shut up, Pia.
You decided he'd be an engineer.
Did you ever ask him
what he wanted to be?
You put such pressure on him...
that he chose death
over the entrance exam.
I don't understand...
Dad, you go to your room.
Pia, don't do this.
He wanted to study Literature,
be a writer.
But all he wrote was
this suicide note.
Put that away, please.
No more cover-ups!
Just once...
if you'd said - Don't do Engineering
if you don't want to...
just do what your heart is in...
then he'd be alive today.
He didn't commit suicide.
You're right, Dad.
It wasn't suicide...
It was murder.
Many city roads are
completely submerged.
Traffic has come to a standstill.
Dad...
Mona?
Go back, Millimeter.
Why're you following us?
Why?
Your pop owns the road?
Please help,
we are desperate here!
You can't send an ambulance?
Get it from another hospital.
The entire city's flooded, sir.
We're helpless.
Mona, you ok?
Rancho, Pia.
Rancho, you can't reach here.
Do as I say.
The water bag has burst.
Disconnected! Mona.
Mona!
- Turn on the lights.
- Where to?
- To the table tennis table.
- Pia, we're in the common room.
Raju, turn on the web camera.
Where's Mona? Show me.
Hold on.
Here, Pia.
Mona, don't worry. I'm with you.
Pia, I'm dying!
Rancho, even when
there were no hospitals or docs...
babies were delivered.
You all will deliver this baby.
All is well.
How dare you? I'll kill you.
Dad, stay out of this.
Farhan, get towels and scissors.
Millimeter, get clothes clips
and hot water.
Rancho, cover Mona.
Mona, try pushing.
Push with all your might.
Stop it! I can't do it.
Mona, push.
Rancho, check if there's crowning.
Oh my God!
Crowning...?
What happened?
Get that diagram.
- Raju, what happened?
See if the head is coming out. - The power's gone.

Check quickly. How'll the vacuum work now?

Go! Farhan, you get the vacuum,

I'll get the power.
Go, Rancho, go.
How?
No crowning.
Millimeter, get Virus out.
Mona, please push.
What nonsense is this?
Mona!
Not this Virus.
She's tired, Pia. My Virus, the inverter.

Wake her! If she won't push, - Get that, quick.

it's a big problem. - Ok.

- They need a vacuum cup. Raju, wake up the hostel.

- Where will they get one?
What's a vacuum cup?
How is it used?
I'll show you.
If the mother's too fatigued to push,
a cup is placed on baby's head.
Suction makes the cup
stick to the head...
and the baby is pulled out.
Get car batteries, wires,
and a vacuum gauge.
Emergency in the common room!
- Where's Rancho?
- Here, sir.
Keep the batteries here
... and the wires.
Raju, switch off everything,
connect the inverter to the mains.

- I can make this. Rancho, vacuum cleaner.

- How?
Farhan, get your lens cleaner.
- With a vacuum cleaner.
- Vacuum cleaner? - Blower?
- Yeah, get it.
Yes.
Rancho, blower.
That pressure's too high.
Good. Fix this to the gauge.
- I'll control it.
- D'you have a vacuum cleaner? Rancho, I'm done.

Yes, in my office. - All switches off?

- Yes.
- Farhan, rush and get it.
- Here's the key. Hit the table
and computer switches. Farhan, two clips on the cord.

Ok. - Get scissors.

- Be careful!
Raju, turn on the computer.
Cut at the center,
Farhan, here. get a towel.

Pia, come here quick. Pia, he's not crying.

Love you, Rancho. Hey Champ!

- Farhan, turn it on. Rancho, rub his back.

- Ok.
- Hey Champ!
Pia, how much suction? - Come on, Champ.

Not more than 0.5! No, nothing.

- Farhan, 0.5! Blow air into his mouth.

- Cover it.
C'mon, Champ.
0.5!
No response.
Vacuum cleaner baby!
Mother of all deliveries. Hush Mona, say -
All is well.
Farhan, stop.
He kicked.
Ok.
What?
Raju, get on the table.
He kicked.
Push the baby down, like this.
Say - All is well.
Ok.
All is well.
Farhan, turn it on.
If Virus had said, 'My grandson
C'mon, you can do it. will be an engineer'...

C'mon, push. I would've broken his jaw.

Do it for Champ. But when he finally spoke,

he stunned us.
C'mon, Mona.
What a kick!
He's coming out! Wanna be a footballer?

You can do it. Be what you want to be.

Yes Mona, push. Wait - I've not finished with you!

Farhan, turn it off. First day of college,

you'd asked me a question...
Ok, off.
Why didn't astronauts
Two clips, use a pencil in space?
cut the umbilical cord.
If a pencil tip breaks...
it'd float in zero gravity.
Get into eyes, nose, instruments...
You were wrong!
You cannot be right all the time.
You understand?
Yes, sir.
This was an important invention.
You understand?
Yes, sir.
My Director said, 'When you find
an extraordinary student...'
Go, study!
Pass your exams and leave.
And now, Student of the Year...
Ranchoddas Shamaldas Chanchad
Sir, one photo.
I wanted to capture all these
memories and take them home.
That day, we hugged,
we rejoiced, we cried...
We vowed that we'd meet
at least once a year...
Who knew then, we were seeing
Rancho for the last time.
Untie him.
I'll sue you all in an
American court.
Raju.
Only Rancho can create
a school like this.
But where is he?
Don't pee here.
Go away creatures.
- Don't pee here.
- I'll smack you.
Bingo! He cannot be far.
Excuse me,
where is Ranchoddas?
- He's not Ranchoddas!
- Rancho...
Chhote... Dammit,
what's his name?
Calm down. Come with me.
- Where's he?
- Rancho.
Farhan, he's read all your books.
Raju, he reads your blog everyday.
Proudly shares it with the kids.
Remember your helmet, Pia?
It was stolen...
Who are you?
How do you know us?
- Didn't you recognize me?
- No.
How would you?
Millimeter is now Centimeter.
Not Centimeter, you're Kilometer.
How did you get here?
I got a letter with
a train ticket inside.
It said - 'Miss being in school?
Catch this train'... I did.
That rascal Rancho!
Where is that idiot?
Dorje, you fly it.
Every night you ride into my dreams
on a scooter, dressed as a bride.
Instead of a veil,
you lift your helmet...
and come close to kiss me.
Couldn't you tell me
before leaving?
 Ranchoddas Chanchad.
No. How do you do, Mr. Teacher?

Sorry. Wow, you're a teacher in a village -

A for Apple, B for Ball...
Did you marry?
Our trains left together.
What? No. But yours traveled in reverse...

- You? from engineer to primary teacher.

- Almost... Idiot.
What's your salary, Chanchad?
So? 5000/-?

So what? For me that's $ 100.

Do you love someone? My son's pocket money is

more than your salary.
Yes.
- Cut the crap.
Who? - Crap is what he gave us.

You. Wanted to change the education

system, change the world.
See, the noses don't collide,
stupid. Finally what does he change?
Kids' diapers.
That's right!
You gonna break his jaw
Rancho. or should I?

Hi... Farhan! Just relax.

Screw your 'Hi'. Remember I'd said

Hey, listen to me...
No, you listen to me.
I can explain everything.
Hi... Raju!
one day you'd cry and I'd laugh?
Sign here.
Accept - You lost, I won!
'Declaration of Defeat'!
Unbelievable, man.

How we hunted for you! - Chatur...

- Crazy guy.
Didn't have a coin
for one phone call? Hey, this is Virus's pen!
You pinched it?
Add a couple from me too.
Forget it, man.
- Rascal, scoundrel!
- Let him go now. This is for winners, not losers.

Ok ok, enough. If your school ever needs help,

On your feet, c'mon.
Having fun, idiots?
Hey... Hi Chatur.
call my assistant for a donation.
A for Apple, B for Ball...
- He hasn't changed at all!
- Ignore him.
He's full of crap.
Good news is your name
isn't Ranchoddas Chanchad.
Imagine, after marriage,
I'm Pia Chanchad - Yuck!
By the way,
what is your real name?
Phunsukh Wangdu.
Wangdu?
Pia Wangdu!
You mean you're a scientist?
You have 400 patents?
I won't change my name
after marriage.
You mean you're Chatur's
Wangdu?
It's you the Japanese are wooing?
I don't like Wangdu.
Are you a scientist
or a teacher?
Scientist,
but I also teach children.
So you are
THE Phunsukh Wangdu?
Yes, yes!
- Hey Silencer.
- Hey Chatur, come back.
Take that.
Wait, I'll stop him.
Mr. Wangdu,
I can't believe it's you.
I'm sorry, Mr. Chatur.
I can't sign the deal
with your company.
What sir? Why sir?
How do I sign, man?
You took my pen.
What pen, sir?
I didn't get you...
The one in your hand -
Virus's pen.
Mr. Wangdu...?
Yes, Chatur?
A for Apple, B for Ball is...
S for Screwed.
You got me, Rancho.
I mean, Mr. Wangdu.
Totally floored me. Good one.
I hope our personal problems
won't affect this deal.
Hey Chatur, take that.
I was just joking, man.
Deep down,
I knew you'd do great things.
You're fibbing.
No, really, I swear.
Rancho - 100, Chatur - 0
You win, I lose.
You don't believe me?
Beware of farts.
Your Majesty, thou art great.
Accept this humble offering.
Free advice, Mr. Wangdu -
Run for your life!
Rancho, I'll lose my job, man.
I have small kids...
His Holiness Guru Ranchoddas
had correctly stated.
Follow Excellence... Success
will chase you, pants down.
Edited by Sonah