A COMPARISON OF PASSIVE, ASSERTIVE, AND
AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOURS
Verbal Behaviours
Passive
You avoid saying what you want,
think, or feel. Apologetic words with
hidden meanings or silence are used
frequently. You allow others to
choose for you.
Nonverbal Behaviours
You use actions instead of words.
You hope someone will guess what
you want. You look as though you
don’t mean what you say. Your
voice is weak and hesitant. Your
eyes are averted. You look
uncomfortable and appear tense.
YOUR APPARENT GOALS AND FEELINGS
Goals
To please, to be liked.
Lose - win
Feelings
You feel anxious, ignored, hurt,
manipulated. You are often angry
and resentful later.
Payoffs
You avoid unpleasant situations,
conflicts, short-term tensions, and
confrontations. You don’t have to
take responsibility for your choices.
Their Feelings
They feel guilty, superior, frustrated,
or even angry.
Their Feelings Toward You
They feel irritated, frustrated with
you. They lose respect for you
because you are a pushover.
PROBABLE OUTCOMES OF EACH TYPE OF BEHAVIOUR
You don’t get what you want. If you
do get your own way, it is by indirect
means. Others achieve their goals
at your expense.
Assertive
You say what you honestly want,
think, feel in direct and helpful ways.
You communicate with tact and use
“I” statements. Your words are clear
and objective.
You listen closely. Your manner is
calm and assured. You
communicate caring and strength.
Your voice is firm and warm. You
look directly at the other person, but
you don’t stare. You have a relaxed
expression.
To communicate, to be respected.
Win - win
You feel confident and successful.
You feel good about yourself at that
time and later.
YOUR APPARENT PAYOFFS
You feel good and respected by
others. Your self-confidence
improves, and relationships with
others are improved.
THE EFFECTS ON OTHERS
They feel respected or valued. and
feel free to express themselves.
They usually respect, trust, and
value you. They know where you
stand.
You often get what you want if it is
reasonable. You often achieve your
goals and gain self-respect. Your
rights and others’ rights are
respected.
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Aggressive
You say what you want, think, and
feel, but at the expense of others.
You use “you” statements that label
or blame. You employ threats or
accusations. You choose for others.
You make an exaggerated show of
strength. You are flippant and have
an air of superiority. Your voice is
tense or demanding. Your eyes are
cold and staring. You are tense and
appear angry.
To dominate or humiliate.
Win - lose
You feel self-righteous, controlling,
and superior. Sometimes you feel
embarrassed or selfish later.
You get some anger off your chest.
You get a feeling of control and
superiority.
They feel humiliated, depreciated, or
hurt.
They feel hurt, defensive, humiliated,
or angry. They resent, distrust, and
fear you.
You often get what you want but at
the expense of others. You hurt
others by making choices for them.
You may have increasing difficulty
with relaxing and unwinding later.
UCL Personal Leadership – Communication Skills
Communication Skills

The following lists include strengths and challenges in communication. Identify ONE element
under each category that you believe you need to improve in order to enhance your leadership
communication ability.

Set specific goals for this development now. Now that you have participated in the Personal
Leadership program, how will you develop your communication strengths in the three areas
you’ve identified from this list?

Listening Expression Rapport

I check in with my listeners while I
speak to make sure they are on track
with what I am saying.
When someone speaks with me I am
sure to ask them questions to clarify
what they are saying.
The people whom I speak with find it
easy to accept my point of view.
(persuasive speaker)
When I speak with others I find that
they aren’t focused on the
conversation or what I’m saying and
many times I just have to let the idea
or conversation go because the
listener is ‘in a different space’.
I paraphrase what others have said
to me as a way of confirming that I’ve
understood what the person speaking
with me has said.
I clearly convey my ideas.
I invite questions from my listeners.
I interrupt people who are speaking
with me.
I make conclusions about ‘the topic of
the conversation’ early in the
conversation.
I speak in a level, unanimated way.
I tend to raise my voice when I
speak.
I know I speak quietly because
people are often leaning in to hear
me.
When I have conversations I tend to
dominate the conversation. I like to
talk, a lot.
People with whom I speak are eager
to share ideas with me.
I can tell when the people I speak
with are in a bad, or sad, or
indifferent mood.
I am aware of how my listeners are
feeling/reacting to what I have to say.
Before I begin speaking with
someone I try to think of their
feelings/experience so that I can
relate what I have to say to them
more appropriately.
I maintain eye contact with the
people I talk to.
I tend to look down or look away
when I speak.
I use a lot of hand gestures and
expressions on my face to support
what I am saying.
I find that I am nervous when I speak
to others whom I don’t know very
well.

Strategies:
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________

UCL Personal Leadership – Communication Skills

 Tips for Assertive Communication
1. Show your respect for the other person
• Use a level, calm tone – it’s more convincing and acceptable
• Empathize with the other person’s feelings and viewpoint
2. State the problem
• Describe the problem in objective and clear language
• Focus on the behaviour or situation, rather than the person
• Use ‘I’ statements to indicate ownership rather than blame
3. Describe your needs
• Specify the changes you would like to see
• Use clear, direct language

Remember…

• Use assertive body language. Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't
use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial
expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.
• Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. Example: "I get angry
when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." or "I believe the
best policy is to…" instead of "The only sensible thing is to …"
• Make clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to say no. Example: "Will
you please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind … ?" or "Why don't you … ?"

In difficult situations…

• Broken record: Keep repeating your point, using a low level, pleasant voice.
Don't get pulled into arguing or trying to explain yourself. This lets you ignore
manipulation, baiting, and irrelevant logic.
• Fogging: This is a way to deflect negative, manipulative criticism. You agree
with some of the fact, but retain the right to choose your behavior. Example:
Mom: "You might be right about that, but I still…” Fogging is great for avoiding
fights and making people stop criticizing.
• Content to Process Shift:: This means that you stop talking about the problem
and bring up, instead, how the other person is behaving RIGHT NOW. Use it
when someone's not listening or trying to use humor or a distraction to avoid the
issue. Example: "You're getting off the point. I'm starting to feel frustrated
because I feel like you're not listening."
• Defusing: Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue. Example: "I
can see that you're upset, and I can even understand part of your reaction. Let's
talk about this later." Also, if they try to stay with it, you always have the right to
walk away.
• Assertive inquiry/stop action: This is similar to the content to process shift.
"Let's hold it for a minute, something isn't working, what just happened? How did
we get into this argument?" This helps to identify the real issue when the
argument is actually about something bigger than the immediate topic.
• Summarization: This helps to make sure you're understanding the other person.
Example: "So what you're trying to tell me is ... ."
• Specificity: It's really important to be very clear about what you want done. This
helps prevent distractions. Example: "The thing I really wish is that you'd pick
your clothes up off the floor."

(Source: http://www.uiowa.edu/~ucs/asertcom.html)

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Communication Styles

Relator Socializer

Expressiveness

Thinker Director

Directness
The Relater (indirect, open)
Relaters are warm, considerate and sympathetic. They are focused on people and interpersonal
relationships. Relaters are wonderful team players since they are cooperative and easy to work with.
Relaters are great listeners and are always willing to help others. However, their desire to keep everyone
happy may sometimes interfere with getting the job done. Relaters dislike conflict and will try to mollify the
people involved and smooth over the issues. Change can upset relationships as well as work routine.
Relaters can become upset by this, and so need time to adjust to change.

Strengths: listens well, is a good counselor, uses supportive language, builds trust
Potential drawbacks: avoids conflict, gives in easily, keeps opinions to oneself, overemphasizes feelings
How to communicate with a Relater:
• Spend the time needed to establish rapport. Feel free to share personal experiences or common
interests.
• Avoid being aggressive or pushy.
• When discussing issues, focus on how the changes may affect the interrelationships among the staff.
• If you are the leader, make sure that the Relaters on your staff are not overburdened or distracted by
other people's problems.

The Socializer (direct, open)

Socializers are expressive and spirited. They value relationships, acceptance, and personal prestige.
These people are animated and expressive. They'll often speak quickly, use gestures, and may get easily
sidetracked onto another story altogether. Socializers are great motivators because of their enthusiasm.
Socializers usually focus on the bigger picture, and may sometimes neglect the details or the order of
things. They are easily bored by routine, and work best in a group setting. They work at a fast pace
because they prefer stimulation. Socializers are spontaneous communicators and lean toward quick and
decisive action. Socializers are not afraid of conflict, and enjoy spirited discussions that involve a
difference of opinion. They love change and challenges.

Strengths: persuasive, good storytellers, focus on big picture, use motivational language
Potential drawbacks: ignores details, exaggerates, generalizes, can be overdramatic
How to communicate with a Socializer:
• Be willing to keep up with their breakneck conversational pace, and be patient with digressions.
• Focus on concepts and trends, and on what they might mean for the future.

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• If you're the leader, give the Socializers on your team tasks that require innovation, and invite them to all
the social gatherings. If you've assigned independent or repetitive work to a Socializer, keep a closer eye
on her/him.

The Thinker (indirect, reserved)

Thinkers are technical and systematic. They value logic, thoroughness, and precision. Thinkers tend to
focus on facts and technical details while communicating. Thinkers have a methodical way of
approaching problems and tasks, and work well independently. They are detail-oriented, accurate, and
always have the best PowerPoint presentations. However, they may sometimes become overwhelmed by
the details and lose track of the big picture. Thinkers are uncomfortable with conflict, and feel that facts
should take precedence over emotion. Thinkers need time to adjust to change.

Strengths: presents precisely, focuses on facts, efficient in speech, well-organized

Potential drawbacks: focused too much on details, fears personal disclosure, can be terse, uses little
variety in vocal tone
How to communicate with a Thinker:
• Present your ideas in a logical fashion, and back them up with lots of facts and proof.
• Try not to rush a Thinker during a conversation or in her/his work.
• To help Thinkers cope with change, focus on the reasons that made it necessary, and the individual
steps needed to achieve it.
• If you're the leader, encourage the Thinkers on your staff to share their ideas, since they tend to be quiet
and reserved during group sessions.

The Director (direct, reserved)

Directors are bold and direct – they tend to take charge. They focus on the big picture, and tend to be
competitive and ambitious. Directors get right to the point, and generally use as few words as possible.
They may come across as forceful and intimidating to others. Directors are concerned with achieving
tasks and goals, and often forget about the needs of the people carrying out the work. Directors like to be
involved in several projects at once – they can maintain a fast pace. Directors are not detail-oriented, and
can under-estimate how long it would take to accomplish a task. They are unafraid of conflict, and may
seem overly stubborn in defending their ideas. Directors thrive on change.

Strengths: gets to bottom line, speaks forcefully, maintains eye contact, presents position strongly
Potential drawbacks: poor listeners, impatient with others, does not heed advice, likes to argue
How to communicate with a Director:
• Get to the point right away, and communicate your ideas quickly and clearly.
• Show how your ideas are compatible with their goals.
• If you're the leader, ensure that the Director's curt and straightforward style of communicating isn't
causing conflict with the rest of the team. If you are the leader and a Director, remember to pay attention
to the feelings of your team, not just the end results they achieve.

Each communication style has its own strengths and drawbacks, and most teams and workplaces rely on
a mix of styles to be productive. Recognizing another person's method of communicating and adapting
your own style accordingly can help get your message across, avoid conflict, and improve your
communication as a leader!

Sources:
www.medhunters.com/articles/communicationStyles.html
www.hrdq.com/products/wmcommstyle.htm

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Non-verbal Communication Skills
Different modes of listening:

Competitive or Combative Listening

This type of listening occurs when the receiver
may be more interested in promoting his or her point
of view instead of considering the speaker’s thoughts.
When this occurs, the listener might look for breaks in
the conversation so he or she can deliver his or her
own points of view, perhaps attacking any points they
may not agree with; hence combative listening. In such cases, the listener may only be
pretending to pay attention to the speaker, while actually formulating what they
need/want to say next. Unfortunately, as this happens, the listener is often more involved
in formulating their argument or rebuttal than in listening, which so often results in
confused communication.

Passive or Attentive Listening

This type of listening occurs when the listener is sincerely interested in both hearing and
understanding the message that is being spoken to them. However, the listener fails to
verify that he or she has heard and understood and is thus passive. Communication is
one-way.

Active or Reflective Listening

This type of listening occurs when the listener is genuinely interested in the speaker’s
message. He or she sincerely wants to know what the speaker thinks, how the speaker
feels and what the speaker wants, and is active in confirming that he or she understands
all of this before reacting. This listener is very effective and will take the time to verify the
message by repeating it to the speaker. Clearly, this type of listening is most effective
and highly recommended for optimal communication.

(adapted from www.mindtools.com)

SOFTENERS
(modified from Face to Face Communication by Peter Urs Bender)

Smile – occasionally and appropriately

Open body posture
Forward lean – to show interest
Tone
Eye contact
Nodding – non-verbal recognition
Energy and enthusiasm
Recognition – show understanding
Space – orient your body to have appropriate space

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Verbal Communication Skills

Barriers to Effective Communication

• Poor listening habits

• Advice giving
• Interrupting
• Arguing and debating
• Criticizing, blaming and name-calling

Tips on Communicating Effectively

Use open-ended questions: ask questions that require more than a yes or no to
encourage conversation. Open-ended questions start with words like how, why,
describe, explain, etc.
Paraphrase: summarize what you have heard periodically to confirm that you
received the correct message
Watch your emotions: try to focus on what the speaker is saying rather than
getting overly-distracted by your own emotional response
Be slow to disagree or argue: make your intention to understand rather than
agree with the speaker. Everyone is entitled to their own point of view and
feelings
Keep an open mind: everyone’s experience is different and you might learn
something!
Find a suitable environment: listening is difficult in noisy or busy settings - find
a place where you can concentrate on listening and one where the speaker feels
at ease
Gauge your ability to be present: actively listening takes energy, so make sure
you are up to it!

In our communication with others, we need to keep in mind these

principles of leadership:

• Lead by example
• Maintain the self-esteem and dignity of others
• Build and maintain positive relationships

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