SMILE PRETTY ALICE

In this female dramatic monologue, Anita tells her neighbor that she knows she cheats on her husband and that
she is appalled by her behavior.
ANITA: Smile pretty, Alice. We both know one thing…the truth. We both know what you’ve done. We both
know. Your poor husband, a good man at that, will never come to realize what a louse you truly are. A real
whore is what you are!
You think it was okay to spread your legs for that other fellow? You think it was excusable? Have you
rationalized it to yourself and justified it in the face of God? You call yourself a holy woman! Baaaash!!!

It’s okay. I know you are not in a happy marriage. Smile pretty, Alice. Smile like the world shines for you. Smile
as if it were okay to shame a man, yourself and your children. They should only know the real you. I hope the
day never comes when the truth is told. It will not be from my lips but it will be told.

Dancing on Eggshells

Alicia has been getting ready for the big dance. Earlier, her friend suggested washing her hair with eggs so it
would be extra healthy and shiny. Her friend shows up, ready to go to the dance. Alicia is clearly upset and her
hair is sticking out all over the place.

Alicia: What’s wrong? You’re what’ wrong! I can’t go to the dance now. Look at my hair! You and your big ideas!
“Put eggs in your hair,. It’ll make it all shiny and smooth.” Right. I went to wash them out and they fried on my
hair! (beat) It’s not funny! You never told me I had to rinse with cold water! I tried scrubbing it out and it turned
into scramble eggs, stuck in clumps all over my head! It took two hours to get most of it out, and I still smell like
an omelet. What am I suppose to do – wear toast for earrings and make it a theme? Everything’s ruined.
There’s no way I’m going to the dance with my hair sticking out like this (Beat) Okay, Okay. Fine. Try to put it up.
Go ahead. Make me a big, old sticky bun.

A Series of Insignificant Questions

In A Series of Insignificant Questions, TANYA interviews someone for a position in the company she works for,
with no intention of hiring the person.
Tanya: Hi, it’s so terrible to meet you, please, sit down, sit down…so, I make no apologies for giving you the run
around. At first, I really wasn’t that interested in you. Still not. Your resume is doo-doo for lack of a better
word and there are so many other people way more qualified than you. But you are so persistent, like stalker
psycho persistent, so, we have to watch out for the crazies! (she laughs with a snort)
For the record, we have security cameras on you as you can see. (points to four corners of the room) That’s
just for my safety, in case you are a genuine psychopath. Oh, and this pen also functions as a knife.So! We are
meeting together, now, to get you over with and out of the way forever and ever because I really have no
heartfelt intentions of ever hiring you but I have to conduct this interview because it comes with my job
description as manager, besides it makes me look professional and busy to my boss.

So! I’m going to ask you a series of insignificant questions, questions that really don’t mean a damn thing for
you or me or anyone in the world…I’ll nod and shake my head as you answer. I’ll narrow my eyebrows and
occasionally smile to show some sort of falsified interest. But trust me when I tell you, I could freaking care
less. Okay? Okey, dokey.

Shall we begin?
Contents Flammable

In this monologue, Nora talks about the tragic events that unfolded with her daughter. She speaks to a group of
people in a therapy session.

NORA: I memorized the side of the bottle. I wanted to be clear to myself as to what I done and repeating that
phrase to myself, reminds me of how horrible a person I am. I just couldn’t quit the damn smoking. Had a habit
of leaving my cigarettes lit when I’d put them down and forget ’em. My daughter, always used to play with my
hair spray bottles. She would spray and then brush her dolls hair. Ha Ha, so cute she was.
…One day she was playing in the bathroom, while I was getting ready for work. Anyway, I was smoking my
cigarettes and decided to put it down on top of the sink in order to fuss with my hair. Then the phone rang, the
babysitter and I were distracted.

That’s when my baby daughter sprayed her hair bottle just right which caused the cigarette and the hair spray
bottle to ignite and catch fire to the bathroom towel and to my daughters pretty face…

When I saw her… I screamed… Went to put the fire out…I put my hands all over her tender face while she kept
screaming my name… I panicked. I pulled her out of the bathroom, then back in the bathroom. I dunked her
head into the toilet to put out the flames. She was coughing and… The rest is history.

My daughter is blind because of me. Because I smoked cigarettes, because I was stupid. Now my baby daughter
is gonna be blind for the rest of her life and I did that. I took those beautiful blue eyes she had and singed them
forever….FOREVER…

Coffee Table
Melanie is a psycho ward patient. She talks to a person that only she sees. There may be more going on under
the surface than we first notice.
MELANIE: My table came to life. I was just staring at it and it came to life. It started with the legs…the legs of
the table. They moved first. It was quick and I had to blink really hard a few times to make sure my eyes weren’t
playing tricks on me.
Then it happened again. I was like, “What the heck is going on around here?”

I stared directly at the table, it was a coffee table and…glass…glass coffee table, and the glass that sat on the
legs of the table opened up and jaws, TEETH, teeth came out like a shark and it started biting the air and the
legs became fully animated and it was a monster now and this monster table wanted to eat me.

…it wanted to eat me…

So I, I ran and got the chair and I bashed it…I bashed the glass coffee table monster.
I killed it…it’s dead!
Baby ants in a Pie

(ROBIN, 12-30 years old, is in the kitchen with her friend, Gabe. She offers him some of the apple pie that has
been sitting in the window sill for a week now, as she has been savoring it. As she gets it out, she notices
something unusual.)

There are ants in the—oh, gross—oh, gross—there are ants in the pie! Ew ew ew! Squish them! Quick! Wait—is
that a queen in it? Is that possible? It looks like it has wings. That would mean, I guess, that would mean they
must have their nest there, or their hill or farm, whatever it’s called…They must have made the pie their home.
And…I already ate a piece—and I don’t even know if I regret it yet because it was really amazing apple pie, but
that also means…I probably ate some…ants…and maybe some…baby ants…if the queen just hatched them. Are
baby ants like worms? Or just tiny looking ants? Oh, I really don’t know anything about ants. But I do know that
I do not want to eat them, and I definitely don’t want to eat a baby ant. I mean…look, ants are gross. Really, just
all bugs are gross. Except maybe…butterflies—but otherwise, yuck, right? But a baby…I mean, a baby can’t
help it if it was born in an apple pie. A baby is just…waking up…and… trying not to get yelled at or stomped on.
Just trying to live and maybe it cant be happy but at least it doesn’t have to be sad, and I bet a baby ant born in
an apple pie is the happiest ant in the world. You know Gabe, I guess, I’ll put the pie outside.

Lick my Wounds

In this drama monologue Crystal confronts her boyfriend about how she thinks he should break up with her if he
isn’t happy.
Crystal: I don’t know what to say…if you don’t love me, leave. I don’t want to be with someone who feels that
they are wasting their time. Really, I don’t need it. Well, you claim that you don’t love me anymore, not like
when we first met and you throw that in my face every time we have some sort of disagreement…so,
go. Leave.
I don’t want to be with you either, if that’s how you feel toward me. I can’t live a phony life, especially when it
comes to my heart. I won’t allow for it.

I’ll make it easy for you. I’m not going to hold you back. I know you’re not happy, so why stay? Why be with
someone you aren’t in love with? That’s horrible. It’s just as bad as leaving someone you are in love with.
We’ve tried, we really have and I am giving you permission to leave me. I’m pretty sure it’s what you need.
Attention
In this teen girl monologue, MICHELLE confronts her sister about how she is always the cause of drama in their
family and how she wants it to stop.
MICHELLE: That’s all you want, isn’t it? That’s what you do, it’s why you always create drama in this
family. Attention! You’re just never happy unless the world is talking about you. You can’t live without creating
some kind of drama so everyone can be thinking about you and that makes you happy.
Why are you so sick in the head? Why? Why can’t you just be normal and not be so crazy like that? It’s freaky
and weird and there are better things you could do for people to think of you. Do some good stuff once in a
while and I bet you will not only get everyone thinking about you but you will also feel good about yourself for a
change.

Don’t you want that? Don’t you want to feel good about yourself?

Chasing, Jeremy
In Chasing Jeremy, Kimberly tells her Aunt about what took play earlier in the day with the boy she likes at
school. Drama.
(she sighs)
KIMBERLY: I think I’m in love. I am, I am in love. Oh Jeremy, Jeremy, where art thou Jeremy?
Today was the greatest day of my life! During lunch, in the cafeteria, I was on line waiting to buy my
sandwich. Jeremy was in front of me the whole time!

When it came time for him to pay Mrs. Mullen, the cashier, he didn’t have enough money. He was short a
whole dollar.

I watched him turn beat red in the face and I felt so bad for him, as he kept checking his pockets for money. He
didn’t have any more money, so I offered him, well, I gave him a dollar. I had an extra dollar.

(she smiles)
I couldn’t believe that I had enough guts to speak to him!

(she chuckles wildly)

And this was the first time he ever looked at me. He said “thanks” and took my dollar from me and asked me
my name! And he said, “Thanks, Kimberly.” He said my name…

(she sighs)
Greatest day of my life!
Flicker
In this monologue, WILLA catches her fiance picking his nose and flick launching it across the living room.
WILLA: What was that? No, really, what was that exactly that I just saw you do? Did you…did you just flick
something from your finger, Greg? Hold on, wait a minute, wait just one freaking minute here, tell me now,
whatever that thing was that you just finger launched between your thumb and index finger, that thing…was
that a boogie?
(beat)
Don’t remain silent and gawk at me, Greg…okay, this is that moment honey…this is that moment when couples
need to be honest with one another. Right here and now, it’s now baby…just tell me…did you pick your nose,
roll your findings and (making launch sound) sssszzzzzffffffff, flick it across our living room? (beat) Tell me now
Greg or God help you!
(she shrieks)
Huuuuuh, you LIE! You outright lied to me. I watched you, Greg. I watched the whole entire episode. I was
standing right there, peering out from the kitchen. I saw you go in, roll and flick. You never got a tissue. You
just sat there watching t.v., like what you were doing was the most natural thing in the world. You know why?
Because it is to someone like you!
That is the wor—what the…Oh my G—it can’t be…(she peers in to examine closer) on the upper left corner of
the t.v. frame…is that what I think it is…GREG, is that, is that where he landed?

Razor Blades
April 20, 2018 Joseph Arnone
In this hard comedy monologue, Kelly discreetly talks to her co-worker about a painful dump she took early in
the morning.
(whispering)
KELLY: Sharon, Sharon….can I ask you something? No, really, I’m a little worried about something. You got a
second?
(beat)
Well, um, you ah, you ever shit so hard that when you got up from the toilet bowl, it actually made you walk
funny for the rest of the day?

SHHH!!!! SHH!!! Don’t laugh, please, please don’t laugh so loud. SHHH! Others will hear Sharon, please, please,
please. It was like razors were shooting out of me this morning. Like I was giving birth to baby piranhas.

This is so embarrassing! I’ve never talked about this stuff to anybody! But I need to know if I’m fine cause I’m in
pain when I walk. I can’t seem to walk straight. Do you think I’ll be alright? Cause I’m a little worried…oh…this
happens to you all the time? Really? You poor thing. Jesus. How long have y–what do you t—oh, OH, well,
right, that explains it quite vividly, quite perfectly, actually. Thanks. WAY more info than I anticipated receiving
but HEY, I guess I asked the right person after all. Cheerios.

I feel much better now. Comfort. After you, yes. Oh no, I don’t want any, I’m fine. I’m gonna rough this one
out. Probably just tore a bit but I’m a trooper. Yep. That’s me. I’m good.

Thanks for your help though. Really. Just between us pooper troopers, right? Okay, excellent.
Mind Trick
Mind Trick is a teen drama monologue that explores how one deals with strange thoughts and erratic behavior
within ourselves.
Male/Female: Sometimes I feel like I’m not normal…what is normal anyway, right? I guess, like everyone else. I
get stupid thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a weirdo. I
wonder if everyone gets strange thoughts but just don’t want to admit it. I think we all get strange
thoughts. You want to know what kind of thoughts I get? (beat) Well, I can’t tell you cause, it’s too
embarrassing. It is. I just can’t. I mean, you ever have a thought where your mind just wanders off into some
unknown world and it captivates you for a minute or two and suddenly you snap out of it because you realize
that it’s a messed up thought?
That’s as far as I want to go with it, with what I’m telling you cause it makes me feel funny discussing this but do
you, honestly; do you ever—does your mind ever play tricks on you?

Second Look
In dramatic monologue Second Look, CHER is talking to her close friend about how she may not be as attractive
to men as she once was.
CHER: It hasn’t happened for quite some time. I was thinking about this all day and it must have been years
since I’ve ever felt that feeling…you know? When a man looks at you, looks away and then takes that second
look. It’s the second look that validates something for me as a woman. I’m not trying to say that I need a man
to salivate over me or anything like that…it’s only that I haven’t gotten that second look in quite awhile and I’m
beginning to feel a bit inadequate.
Even on a lousy looking day I used to catch a second look, nowadays I’m lucky I even get a first look.

Hmmm. Can I asked you something? (beat) Have my looks, changed? (beat) Am I not as attractive as I used
to be? Wait! Don’t answer me, don’t answer my question! It’s all just too much, really.

(she stands up abruptly and grabs her drink)

I’m alright. I just don’t know. I’m not looking for comfort or consolation. (nervous chuckle) I just want to know
if I still appeal to men. Is that so wrong? Not in the sense in a, in a, in an intellectual way but more in
an attractive way, you know…that would be nice, to know, if I can still turn a man on. If, in fact, if a man is
actually still interested in me that way.
That’s all…
Who’s Harry?
September 23, 2018 Joseph Arnone
Who’s Harry? is a short female comedic monologue. ROSALIE tells an embarrassing story to one of her girlfriends
over coffee.
ROSALIE: The other day I was having a tickle fest with my two year old son. I was just eating him up with
love and tickling him up a storm and we were having the best time together.
Then out of nowhere my son starts saying, “Harry, Harry”. I didn’t know who Harry was and I asked him,
“Harry? Who’s Harry, sweetheart?” And he repeated, “Harry, Harry” and he starts pointing in my direction. I
look behind me and see the t.v. and so I put it on, thinking it’s a new cartoon show or something he’s seen. And
I ask him, “Where, sweetheart? Did you see Harry in the t.v.?” And he walks up to me and with the most
determined little face, he points directly at me and says, HARRY, really loud. So, I say, “Mommy? Is Mommy,
Harry?” And he nods his head and says, “You, Harry.” “I’m not Harry, I’m Mommy.” I said. So, I pick him up and
give him more kisses and he smacks my chin and points right at my chin and says, “HARRY MOMMY,
HAAAARRRRRY!”

So now I carry him over to the mirror with me and I look at my face and I almost died. I had an unseen
collection of chin hairs hanging off my chin! The entire time my son was trying to say, HAIRY, not
Harry! Hahaha. He’s already looking out for his MaMa…or himself for that matter! Haha!
How do you like that one?

Who’s Harry?
September 23, 2018 Joseph Arnone
Who’s Harry? is a short female comedic monologue. ROSALIE tells an embarrassing story to one of her girlfriends
over coffee.
ROSALIE: The other day I was having a tickle fest with my two year old son. I was just eating him up with
love and tickling him up a storm and we were having the best time together.
Then out of nowhere my son starts saying, “Harry, Harry”. I didn’t know who Harry was and I asked him,
“Harry? Who’s Harry, sweetheart?” And he repeated, “Harry, Harry” and he starts pointing in my direction. I
look behind me and see the t.v. and so I put it on, thinking it’s a new cartoon show or something he’s seen. And
I ask him, “Where, sweetheart? Did you see Harry in the t.v.?” And he walks up to me and with the most
determined little face, he points directly at me and says, HARRY, really loud. So, I say, “Mommy? Is Mommy,
Harry?” And he nods his head and says, “You, Harry.” “I’m not Harry, I’m Mommy.” I said. So, I pick him up and
give him more kisses and he smacks my chin and points right at my chin and says, “HARRY MOMMY,
HAAAARRRRRY!”

So now I carry him over to the mirror with me and I look at my face and I almost died. I had an unseen
collection of chin hairs hanging off my chin! The entire time my son was trying to say, HAIRY, not
Harry! Hahaha. He’s already looking out for his MaMa…or himself for that matter! Haha!
How do you like that one?
Boys

Mad Mike
February 17, 2018 Joseph Arnone
In this serio-comedy monologue Mad Mike, a teenager raps in front of his full length mirror imagining himself to
be the most famous rap star ever.
MICHAEL:
“I was in my Mercedes checking out the ladies,

along came a girl who said she was crazy,

I opened my door to let her in,

I said, “Yo baby, wanna go for a spin?”

We went around the block a couple of times,

she said, “Stop the car!” and I—

(mother calls him for dinner)

What?! Okay, okay…I said OKAY!

(beat)
I HEARD YOU MA! OKAAAAAAAAY!

(back to mirror)
Yeah, uh huh, yeah…whattup whattup? Yeah, what up son? Yeah dog, I ain’t clowning, I ain’t clowning
dog. Yeah, you frontin’, yo you frontin’? Yo, stop clowning dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah!!!

Yeah, I’m a rapper, I’m a rap star. Yo, for shizzle my nizzle little sizzle. Yeah, yo they call me MAD
MIKE. YEAH! Ta-dow! Mad Mike son! Psssf! Psssf! What? What?!

Aight! Aight! Don’t hate the–

(mother calls her son AGAIN for dinner)

Mom, I’ll be right down! I’m coming! God! I can’t do nothing! Yeah, okay ma!!!

(looks back in the mirror)

Don’t hate the player, hate the game…

(he walks out of his bedroom)

Baby ants in a Pie

(ROBIN, 12-30 years old, is in the kitchen with his friend, Gabe. He offers him some of the apple pie that has been
sitting in the window sill for a week now, as he has been savoring it. As he gets it out, she notices something
unusual.)

There are ants in the—oh, gross—oh, gross—there are ants in the pie! Ew ew ew! Squish them! Quick! Wait—is
that a queen in it? Is that possible? It looks like it has wings. That would mean, I guess, that would mean they
must have their nest there, or their hill or farm, whatever it’s called…They must have made the pie their home.
And…I already ate a piece—and I don’t even know if I regret it yet because it was really amazing apple pie, but
that also means…I probably ate some…ants…and maybe some…baby ants…if the queen just hatched them. Are
baby ants like worms? Or just tiny looking ants? Oh, I really don’t know anything about ants. But I do know that
I do not want to eat them, and I definitely don’t want to eat a baby ant. I mean…look, ants are gross. Really, just
all bugs are gross. Except maybe…butterflies—but otherwise, yuck, right? But a baby…I mean, a baby can’t
help it if it was born in an apple pie. A baby is just…waking up…and… trying not to get yelled at or stomped on.
Just trying to live and maybe it cant be happy but at least it doesn’t have to be sad, and I bet a baby ant born in
an apple pie is the happiest ant in the world. You know Gabe, I guess, I’ll put the pie outside.

I AM Your Father
In I Am Your Father, a paternity test comes back that states that the Father is NOT the Father to a young twelve
year old Jackie.
FATHER: Well, Jackie…I guess we are one of those rare cases…but, do you feel any different? (beat) I don’t. In
fact, Jackie, I feel even more like your Dad. I want you to know now that a blood test doesn’t separate us but
only makes us closer because we have something even more special than genetics…we are bonded by
something greater than what doctors tell us…we have love. You are my daughter no matter what and I AM
your father. I want to see you get into college, I want to help you buy your first car, see you get married one
day..much later in life though, we don’t have to rush that part…um, one day see you have a great career and
purchase a house…so many more memories we are yet to share and I will never give all that up. I love you with
all my heart sweetheart and nothing and no one can take that away from us. I will always be here for you
through thick and thin as your father.
Mind Trick
Mind Trick is a teen drama monologue that explores how one deals with strange thoughts and erratic behavior
within ourselves.
Male/Female: Sometimes I feel like I’m not normal…what is normal anyway, right? I guess, like everyone else. I
get stupid thoughts sometimes. I keep them to myself because I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a weirdo. I
wonder if everyone gets strange thoughts but just don’t want to admit it. I think we all get strange
thoughts. You want to know what kind of thoughts I get? (beat) Well, I can’t tell you cause, it’s too
embarrassing. It is. I just can’t. I mean, you ever have a thought where your mind just wanders off into some
unknown world and it captivates you for a minute or two and suddenly you snap out of it because you realize
that it’s a messed up thought?
That’s as far as I want to go with it, with what I’m telling you cause it makes me feel funny discussing this but do
you, honestly; do you ever—does your mind ever play tricks on you?

Walter Ford
In this war monologue, Walter Ford pushes his men forward under heavy fire from the enemy.
WALTER FORD: You have to keep going until you squeeze out the last drop of juice you have in you to squeeze
out. They’re gonna come at you with everything they got, with all their heart, all their mind, all their guts, all
their spirit, everything…they are just as crazy as you. But you have something else; you went through this war
already, you’ve already been through the worst of it, this shit ain’t knew to you, you’ve already lived it, killed it
and you loved it…this is their first time, boys…you understand…you know what it feels like to be torn away from
your family, see your brother’s head get chopped off, get stabbed and shot…scars are decoration where you
come from and when they look you in the eyes and you glare into them for the very first time, they will know as
sure as there heart skips a beat that they met their end. That is all. We do what we came to do and that is all…