A Parent's Rules for Spanking: The

Correct Way to Spank Your Child

Rules for Proper Spanking

1. Never spank a child who can understand rules unless you have
given him or her fair warning. In other words, lay down very clear rules
for your children - they get grounded for not doing homework, for
lying, for minor misbehaviors. But for major infractions, such as theft,
fighting, incorrigible lying, etc., they will be spanked. Small children
should be limited to 1 spank per year of age, up to 3 spanks maximum.

2. Because every child and every family is different, it's impossible to

give a clear idea for where to draw the line. It should be as far down
the range of misbehavior as possible. It is also critical that the rules
governing spanking and other disciplines be applied across the board
to all your children - if lying is a spanking offense for your 12-year-old
son, it must also be a spanking offense for your 7-year-old daughter.
But - also see rule #3.

3. As children age, spanking rules should change with them, but any replacement
punishments should be at least as traumatic as the original spanking. You might require
your teen to let you drive him to school, for

instance, instead of spanking him for lying about skipping school.

4. Spanking should not be done on the bare bottom, but at the minimum on a layer of
cloth. A child should never be struck anywhere except on the bottom.

5. Spanking should be done only with your bare hand so you can accurately gauge how
much force you are putting behind each stroke.

6. Children should never, never bear any mark from a spanking for more than a few
minutes. If they do, you used too much force. Again, pain is not the major goal of a
spanking; the emphasis of how far the child transgressed is the real goal.

7. Never spank a child while you're angry. Calm down first, and then let the child know
why they're being punished before you proceed.
8. Treat your child's spankings as a ritual. Each spanking should be identical to the degree
possible - the same place, the same amount of force, the same pattern of notification, and
the same actions surrounding it. For instance, when I spank my boys (a very rare
occasion), I first let them know why they are in trouble and ask how they feel about it. I
then take them to a private place - usually the bathroom, sometimes a bedroom - just
somewhere away from witnesses. The spanking ensues, three smacks to a clothed bottom.
Then we discuss the behavior; invariably, though I'm a wimp and I know the spanks
didn't hurt much, there will be tears. After my son tells me what decision he should have
made, we hug, I tell him I love him, and that's the end of it. All over.

The reason for the ritualization is that it helps the child understand that this will happen
every single time he or she misbehaves. It also enhances the feeling of dread - which is
what punishment is all about to begin with. But most importantly, the ritual helps me - I
can approach the punishment calmly, with no anger, and treat the situation as a necessary
punishment instead of a way for me to release rage. Afterward, I feel terrible and often
cry too - but the behavior that brought on the punishment is almost always eradicated. It
never takes more than two spankings to correct a behavior.

9. Spanking should always, always be the punishment of last resort. I probably spank my
boys about once a year, and even when they were younger I may have done it two or
three times. This is

with two young men who had distinct behavior problems, who were kicked out of
daycares as very small children, and who consistently acted out in school. Today, the
older of my sons is just wonderful; the younger has behavior problems secondary to
autism, but does well with the very clear rules I lay down for him.

While it should be a last resort, spanking should also be combined with other
punishments like grounding and removal of privileges. Otherwise, some children may
choose to work toward a spanking - which is over with quickly at least - as opposed to a
longer-term punishment like grounding. Again, every child is different.

10. Spanking should be a part of a very clear set of rules. There shouldn't be so many
rules that children can't remember them, but they should be very clear on what behavior
is unacceptable and what level of misbehavior can earn the child a spanking.

I'm sure I'm going to get comments that I am a bad parent because I spank. That's fine. I
think it's more important to have that final, critical punishment available for the child
who can't be taught in any other way. While spanking, well, sucks for both parties, it is
far, far better to keep that tool available than to not adequately discipline a child. And if
you discipline your child properly, even the most ill-behaved child will only need to be
spanked rarely.