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By
Felipe E. Perez
Hawkins, Ronald E. 1991. Strengthening Marital Intimacy. Kearney, NJ: Morris Publishing.
Today, the world views the term “marital intimacy” as a way to describe sexual
intercourse. However, this term is used in a broader context meaning a sense of togetherness.
Intimacy is best defines as “oneness with healthy separateness.” Occasionally, the female loses
herself in her husband and becomes adrift in a sea of submission (Hawkins, 1991). Intimacy
implies a connection between two persons, in this case between and man and a woman, or better
yet, a husband and his wife. Achieving intimacy requires a commitment to oneness; therefore,
the two individuals must enter into covenant with each other (Hawkins, 1991).
fascinating look at God’s design for marriage and what intimacy is marriage is all about. He
gives us a biblical model for a successful marital relationship in order to build stronger
marriages. Dr Hawkins starts by showing us how God created male and female to function as a
team and share the joys of God's creation. Satan drove a wedge between them, and over the
centuries males and females have been locked in a tragic power struggle (1991). Christ, through
the Holy Spirit living in the man and woman, is the wedge remover; in which the walls that
In addition, Dr. Hawkins expresses that intimacy is the ultimate goal for a marriage.
However, much misunderstanding exists concerning what intimacy really is (1991). There are
many people who have been taught generation after generation that intimacy is primarily or even
solely a physical reality but this is simply not the case. We are all victims of the fall of humanity
into sin and self indulgence. God intended for couples to live in a condition of spiritual intimacy,
intimacy of the soul or intellect, as well as physical intimacy. The author goes above and beyond
by breaking down the word “intimacy.” Dr. Hawkins defines intimacy as “oneness with healthy
separateness.” In our separateness, the author emphasizes both our strengths and weaknesses
which as a whole complete each individual person. However, spiritual unity and oneness requires
commitment for both individuals to enter into covenant with each other just like God’s covenant
with Abraham and the Davidic covenant. Married couples complete God’s team. Both the man
and the woman are at the ends of the baseline with God at the apex. As husband and wife draw
Satan planted a wedge between male and female. In today’s society, it is not unusual to
see a woman in charge of a corporation, single, and in power. While there is nothing wrong with
a woman in leadership and authoritative position, Satan sold a lie to many people (including
men) that one is better than the other. Many have misunderstood Genesis 3:16 to say that God
decreed that the woman must be the follower and submitter and that the man should be the leader
and authority. As a result, husbands deny their wives what they want and need. They become the
oppressors and the wives are the oppressed (p.51). Many radical feminists continue to add to this
lie by emphasizing separateness over conscious commitment to oneness. Husband and wife
should not be in a battle; they should be a team fighting for the good.
It is difficult to erase the lies that the devil has introduced to our society in which we have
learned to accept and live by. Fortunately, Christ has done it all for us. He is the wedge remover
as Dr. Hawkins explains. Christ can and will break down the walls that divide all of God’s
people. It will take both the will of the man and the woman to reinstate the original relationship
of perfect love between the husband and wife in marriage. According to Dr. Hawkins, intimacy
is the ultimate goal for our marriage. It is not to procreate and have kids or to make more money
with dual income. It is God’s desire to see His people living in prosperity and happiness. The
proper balance of spiritual unity and intimacy allows married couples to function efficiently for
the glory of God and the ultimate good of each contributing member.
CONCRETE RESPONSES
who got married at an early age of 20 years old, I had my own misconceptions about marriage. I
thought that marriage was about sex and more sex with one person and that was it. Fortunately,
God had revealed to me that marriage is so much more than physical pleasures. God had given
me a wife, my good thing, and my partner in this world that we live in. Over the years, I have
worked at drawing closer to God and improving my personal relationship with Him through
prayer, fasting, and studying of His Word. I then discovered along the way that God had changed
me for the better as a Christian man, husband, and father. The intimacy that Dr. Hawkins
discussed all throughout his book is my ultimate goal for my marriage. It is not a one-time deal
but a continuous goal that my wife and I will continue to strive for. I have learned to appreciate
my wife for who God had made her to be—both her strengths and her weaknesses. We have both
learned over the years that we as individuals will make mistakes. What matters is that we learn
together as a team and that we continue to improve our personal relationships with God and do
things to glorify Him and His Kingdom. Furthermore, this book made me realize that my wife is
still an individual even if we are one as a couple. It is easy to forget that our spouses can and will
think for themselves. Submission does not mean that our spouses should lose their own sense of
self. Instead of fighting about this, I need to see my wife as God sees her and love and adore her
as such.
REFLECTION
As I was reading this book, I realized that there is much to be said about intimacy
particularly as it relates to marriages. It is unfortunate but many couple of who have been
married for several years has yet to experience spiritual and soul intimacy in their marriage nor
do they know what to look for. As a father, I cannot help but think, “How do I teach my daughter
about intimacy?” “What should she expect of her future husband?” Of course, my daughter is
only two years old right now and most people would say, “I wouldn’t worry about that yet.” I
understand that my wife will have to take a big part of teaching her about intimacy but I also
would like to teach her about God and how God sees intimacy in married couples. In order to
build and sustain a lasting, committed and intimate relationship, a couple must be firmly
grounded in the wisdom that God has revealed in order to enable couples to make good choices
and wise decisions as they travel the journey of this life together.
APPLICATION
I plan to utilize Dr. Hawkins’ book as a reference for future counseling sessions. This
book is a good reminder of what intimacy should be and the importance of having a daily
commitment to knowing and loving my wife. It is also important to remember that it takes a
conscious effort to understand another person particularly our spouse who think and react
differently that we (men) do. Despite of the differences, I can use this book to remind my future
patients or clients that we must appreciate the physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual
dimensions of our individual personality. Finally, Dr. Hawkins’ book is a valuable addition to
books on marriages out there, communication is critical in any relationship. Without it, it will not
work. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to communicate within me and in my marriage in order for
my wife and I to fully realize and experience the very intimacy that God desires for us to have.