Healthy Mind -

Your brain comes first

2020 is a year of change, a year of bettering ourselves, a year of transforming our mind and
body to be better than it has before. Between 2010-2019, the decade was a weird one, I did so
much growing up, but I also gave in to my mind, I developed low self-esteem and low
confidence, which led to anxiety and depression. The first half of the decade included a lot of
firsts, first boyfriend, first time going to a night club, first cigarette, first exams, first mental
breakdown. I was experiencing all these new things that I felt like I was growing up, transitioning
from a vulnerable teenager into a vulnerable adult. I could go into a shop and buy alcohol, I
could drive, I could step foot into a casino, and because I could I took a huge advantage to what
was a trigger of my mental health. Because of the decisions I made in the first half of the
decade, led me to the consequences in the second half. I used alcohol to suppress my
emotions, cigarettes to suppress my appetite, food to suppress my stress.

The second half of the decade I was a student, so you can imagine I did my fair share of
drinking, smoking, eating shit. It seemed fun and fulfilling at the time, but the following day I
would feel regret and embarrassed. I had really bad mental health, but I never really linked that
my habits were part of the cause. Smoking would make me feel good for all of ten minutes, until
after I would feel sick, guilty, and the smell was putrid. Drinking would make me feel invincible
until the next morning when I was greeted with a huge wash of anxiety and a raging hangover. It
took me a long time to realise I wasn’t just poisoning my body, but my mind too.

Now, of course, I am wanting to look after my body, but my mental health is my number one
priority. I don’t want to wake up in the morning, think ‘fuck this’ and go back to sleep. I want to
get up, have a bottle of water, eat a healthy breakfast, then get to work. It has been a little over
three weeks since the ‘collywobbles’ as Mum calls it. Where you genuinely think you can’t get
out of bed and face the world, you bury yourself under the duvet and squeeze your eyes shut
praying you’ll fall back to sleep. I haven’t suffered from the collywobbles because of 1. I have
put myself and my mental health first. 2. I have actually cut myself some slack. It’s okay to have
bad days, it’s okay if you have no motivation, it’s okay to let the laundry pile get bigger, and it’s
okay to stay in bed all day and binge-watch whatever you like. If it makes you feel safe and
cosy, that’s exactly what you need at that exact moment. Remember, there is always tomorrow.
But because I gave myself some slack, I didn’t feel pressurised to do certain tasks, and because
there was no pressure, it eased my mental health, and I actually get excited to wake up in the
morning and be productive for the day. It’s utterly strange, from telling myself I don’t have to do
anything, instead of worrying about it, I actually do it.

I must admit, I still struggle going out by myself. If I am with my mum or dad or my boyfriend, I
don’t feel too bad. However, if I have to get a train or a bus by myself or if I am sat in a cafe
alone, my anxiety hits the roof. Again it is just a setback, but I’m sure as I improve, I will get
back into the swing of things and gain my independence. Slowly but surely, my esteem and
confidence will improve, building myself up day by day, little by little, until I recognise my old,
bubbly self again. It’s okay to have setbacks, it’s okay to not push yourself and most important,
it’s okay to ask for help. Be safe, and be kind.