LECTURETTE ON POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM

(TIP-SDP Module 4: The Winning Mindset)

GILBERT B. OCAMPO, Ph.D.
Chair, Physical Education (QC)
 
Self-esteem is shaped by your thoughts, relationships and experiences. We must
understand the ranges of self-esteem and the benefits of promoting healthy self-
esteem — including mental well-being, assertiveness, resilience and more. It is your
overall opinion of yourself — how you honestly feel about your abilities and limitations.
When you have healthy self-esteem, you feel good about yourself and see yourself as
deserving the respect of others. When you have low self-esteem, you put little value on
your opinions and ideas. You might constantly worry that you aren't "good enough."
To capture the multifaceted nature of self-esteem, it is divided it into seven different
areas. Of course, as you’ll see, they intertwine in real life.

The Seven Areas of Self-Esteem

1. Physical prowess: Feeling confident in your body’s ability to meet the demands of
daily life through physical strength, endurance, and flexibility.

2. Social skills and social comportment: Knowing how to present yourself well and to
act appropriately and graciously in a variety of social situations. Becoming someone
others want to spend time with.

3. Self-discipline: Developing the ability to direct your will toward a desired goal in a
sustained manner; to stay with a task even when you’re tired, distracted, discouraged,
or no longer interested; to keep your promises.

4. Self-trust: Knowing how to tune in to and trust what you know and what you feel; to
assess safety and danger; to act on your perceptions even when others may not agree
with them.

5. Financial literacy: Developing your ability to spend, save, give, and invest wisely; to
value your time and energy fairly; and to understand the laws of prosperity.
6. A place in the sun: Developing a special skill or innate talent for which you will be
recognized and valued.

7. Positive self-image: Feeling secure and good about yourself, which includes a
positive body image, and a positive relationship with self-adornment and personal style.

Factors that shape and influence self-esteem

Self-esteem begins to form in early childhood. Factors that can influence self-esteem
include:
• Your own thoughts and perceptions
• How other people react to you
• Experiences at school, work and in the community
• Illness, disability or injury
• Culture
• Religion
• Role and status in society

Relationships with those close to you — parents, siblings, peers, teachers and other
important contacts — are especially important to your self-esteem. Many beliefs you
hold about yourself today reflect messages you've received from these people over
time. If your close relationships are strong and you receive generally positive feedback,
you're more likely to see yourself as worthwhile and have healthier self-esteem. If you
receive mostly negative feedback and are often criticized, teased or devalued by
others, you're more likely to struggle with poor self-esteem.
Still, your own thoughts have perhaps the biggest impact on self-esteem — and these
thoughts are within your control. If you tend to focus on your weaknesses or flaws, you
can learn to reframe negative thoughts and focus instead on your positive qualities.

The ranges of self-esteem

Self-esteem tends to fluctuate over time, depending on your circumstances. It's normal
to go through times when you feel down — or especially good — about yourself.
Generally, however, self-esteem stays in a range that reflects how you feel about
yourself overall. Consider how to recognize the extremes, as well as a healthy balance
somewhere in between:
• Overly high self-esteem. If you regard yourself more highly than others do, you might
have an unrealistically positive view of yourself. When you have an inflated sense of
self-esteem, you often feel superior to those around you. Such feelings can lead you to
become arrogant or self-indulgent and believe that you deserve special privileges.

• Low self-esteem. When you have low or negative self-esteem, you put little value on
your opinions and ideas. You focus on your perceived weaknesses and faults and give
scant credit to your skills and assets. You believe that others are more capable or
successful. You might be unable to accept compliments or positive feedback. You
might fear failure, which can hold you back from succeeding at work or school.

• Healthy/ positive self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem lies between these two extremes.
It means you have a balanced, accurate view of yourself. For instance, you have a good
opinion of your abilities but recognize your flaws. When you understand your own
worth, you invite the respect of others.

Benefits of healthy/ positive self-esteem

When you value yourself and have good self-esteem, you feel secure and worthwhile
and have generally positive relationships with others. You feel confident about your
abilities and tend to do well at school or work. You're also open to learning and
feedback, which can help you acquire and master new skills.
With healthy/positive self-esteem you're:
• Assertive in expressing your needs and opinions
• Confident in your ability to make decisions
• Able to form secure and honest relationships — and less likely to stay in unhealthy
ones
• Realistic in your expectations and less likely to be overcritical of yourself and others
• More resilient and better able to weather stress and setbacks
• Less likely to experience feelings such as hopelessness, worthlessness, guilt and
shame
• Less likely to develop mental health conditions, such as eating disorders, addictions,
depression and anxiety
• Self-esteem affects virtually every facet of your life. Maintaining a healthy, realistic
view of yourself isn't about blowing your own horn. It's about learning to like and
respect yourself — faults and all.
Positive self-esteem is the single most important winning quality.
 
THE FOUR CORNERSTONES OF SELF-ESTEEM

1. Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or

condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it,
protest, or exit.
2. Power and Control
a. Power is maintaining influence over the behavior, attitudes and feelings of others.
Control is maintaining a check on the behavior, attitudes and feelings of one's self.

b. Power is exerting control over others. Control is exerting control over one's self.

c. Power is the expression of commands, demands, directives, orders and requests as

to how others are to act, think, behave, feel and believe. Control is the expression of
commands, demands, directives, orders and requests, as to how I am to act, think,
behave, feel and believe.

d. Power is the attitude of strength, ``one up,'' ``on top,'' ``number one'' or ``leader''
projected to others in order to direct how they live their lives. Control is the attitude of
being strong, being on top of it, being in control and being self-led, that one feels inside
as he lives his life in his self-directed way.

e. Power can be a survival tool used to exist in a self-threatening environment to avoid

being taken advantage of by others. The power response is to go on the offensive, take
a position of strength, take the lead, and direct others in the environment. This can lead
to over responsibility and feeling overly concerned for everyone's welfare. By taking the
``power'' role, people try to ensure that others survive a threatening environment, but
this exacts a major price emotionally, physically and spiritually from them. Control can
be a survival tool used to exist in a threatening environment. The control response is to
go on the defensive, and direct oneself so that it appears one is not being taken
advantage of by another. It can also help one to exist in and maintain sanity in a
confusing environment. This can lead to a position of being too ``self-contained'' and
``self-directed.'' The ``over control'' phenomenon can result when it becomes difficult
to ``let go'' of control over self. This can result in never loosening up enough to accept
direction from others, be they teachers, employers, spouses or authorized authorities
and leaders.

f. Power is a vehicle by which people can become exempt from revealing personal
feelings. They have risen to the top and the people below are refused entry into the
``power type's'' emotional life. This is a defense mechanism to avoid full emotional
involvement. Control is a vehicle by which one can avoid revealing personal feelings,
because by maintaining self-control he submerges and hides how he is reacting to the
emotional stresses in life. One can close oneself off from others so successfully that
the emotional side of life is kept hidden. A person who exerts self-control over his
emotions hides behind a ``guard all'' invisible shield, however, the lack of emotional
self-disclosing takes a toll on the self-controller.

g. Power is often exerted by people who believe they have the ``answers'' but lack the
patience for others in their lives to come to a consensus or agreement on what an
appropriate course of action should be. The ``power play'' is using the position of
authority or status to get your way with total disregard for the feelings or ideas of
others. Control is often exerted by one who believes he has the ``answers,'' yet also
believes that no one in his environment will listen to him. The ``control play'' is the
refusal to reveal any ideas, thoughts, emotions, attitudes, beliefs or alternative problem
solutions, so as to avoid expected or anticipated rejection.

h. Power can be the mode of operation of people who believe that at one point in their
lives they were taken advantage of, and that will never happen again. Actually, they are
treating others in as poor a fashion as they believe they were treated in the past.
Control can be the mode of operation of one who believes that at one point in his life he
was taken advantage of, and that will never happen again. By his emotional passivity, he
often incurs the wrath of others in his life who cannot break through the ``guard all''
shield.

i. Power is the mode of operation of people who desire to make their beliefs of what
reality is become the reality. They take charge in order to reorganize their existence to
become the expression of what they believe life should be. They take over to ensure
that their ``reality'' becomes the ``reality'' of others. Control is the mode of operation
of one who desires to make his beliefs of what reality is become his reality. He controls
himself in order to retain his existence as the expression of what he believes his life
should be. He takes control of his life to ensure that his ``reality'' is the ``reality'' for
himself.

j. Power is ensuring that people get their way, even if manipulation, conning, lying,
deceit and dishonesty need to be used. It may result in their eventually getting their
way. It could also, however, result in their being exposed as people who would do
anything to get things their way, ultimately losing all power. Control is ensuring that one
continues to see life his way, even if he needs to use self-manipulation, self-conning,
lying to self, self-deceit and dishonesty to self. It may result in the eventual
maintenance of his own view of life. However, it could result in such deep self-
deception that he no longer can perceive the difference between what is real and what
is not real.

3. Moral Virtue. One should try to develop good habits. Developing good habits will
help us do the right thing without thinking about it too hard. Good habits protect us by
making good use of the human tendency to fall into consistent patterns of behavior. If
you consciously develop a good habit, you are in effect training yourself to do the right
thing.

4. Competence (or competency) is the ability of an individual to perform a job properly.

A competency is a set of defined behaviors that provide a structured guide enabling the
identification, evaluation and development of the behaviors in individual employees.
 
 
THREE ROADBLOCKS TO SUCCESS
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in
circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look
for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them." -George
Bernard Shaw

Have you ever found that when you know what you really want (to be, to do or to have)
that there seem to be any number of reasons why you cannot be, do or have it? It can
be that the more deeply you aspire, the greater the apparent obstacles. Yet there is a
purpose in this: to bring forward more of your innate talent, gifts, creativity and
personal resource to overcome whatever may be holding you back. Blocks can be
transformed into assets, new understanding, greater commitment and enthusiasm.
The three blocks I usually hear are: Time, Money and Other People. Have you ever
heard yourself say something like: if only I had the time, I would easily fit an exercise
regime into my day? Or, I just don't have enough money to make that trek across the
Mount Everest. My partner would never let me. My boss does not want to promote me. I
have to cook for my family - I could never adopt a healthier pattern of eating that works
for me.
"One very positive way to look at life is to realize that everyone - everyone - who comes
to you is teaching you freedom.” -John-Roger
So looking at each of the three blocks:

1. TIME
There are only so many hours in the day. True. But have you ever noticed how time is
"elastic"? When you are doing something that fully engages you, you lose all sense of
time? When you are bored, time seems interminable.
Managing time is really about managing yourself effectively in the time you have
available. That is to say becoming more productive in all areas of your life.
"We can't change the wind, but we can adjust the sails."
If time is your issue, your opportunity is to clear the decks so you have less draining
your energy. You can get done all you need - with time to spare.

2. MONEY
The current financial crisis may make better money managers of us all. We may need to
learn to select more carefully how we spend, save and invest our funds, so that we do
not become victims of forces outside of ourselves. Is this possible? I think so. Even
though times are very tough for many of us, nevertheless there are those, who have
always been relaxed about money, generous and resourceful with their funds, who are
not suffering.
When you are truly enthusiastic about an objective, it is amazing how you can find the
money you need. Money has been called a "mirror of consciousness". If you are
experiencing an issue concerning money, relative to what you want, then you may learn
what is limiting you that money reflects to you. Do you lack a sense of personal value,
for example? Are you afraid of success, or failure? Could you be more accountable,
generally, for your how your life is unfolding?
"Listen, there is endless supply. Once you understand that, you are on your way to a
much higher level of freedom." -John-Roger

3. OTHER PEOPLE
If we have any hidden doubts about what we want, you can be sure that those closest
to you will reveal them. When you talk about something you really want, it is amazing
how people can show up with all the considerations why not to go ahead. What might
happen if..., ? Have you thought of all the dangers? You're much too old to do that -
what if you get ill and need a doctor? These statement can really discourage you.
However, they do serve a purpose in helping you to be clear. When you are 100% sure
about what you want, no one can stand in your way. My great aunt, when she was
campaigning for the women's vote in the Elections 2010, would say to me that men
would stand aside to let her do what she wanted. What a role model!
"As you realize that there is no reason to hide what is true for you, you find yourself
living a life of integrity, a life of loving. In so doing, you open yourself to an inner
experience of loving and freedom that transcends words."-John-Roger

The love that we are is the greatest liberator. When we can love the blocks that show
up, they have a way of dissolving. When we are feeling stuck, we also need to love
ourselves through those times; to be kind, compassionate and forgiving. No matter the
challenges we meet, the love within us is much greater and can overcome all fears,
doubts, or obstacles on our path, releasing new energy in the process.

What blocks have you experienced, and how have they given you the resources to
achieve what you want? Have you found ways of transforming blocks into assets? How
have the challenges you have met been valuable for you?